MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS

* You will never see things through your partner’s eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
* You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
* Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you’re with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.

MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE

* Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don’t kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
* Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It’s impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
* Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren’t in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.

MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING

* Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can’t be happy if you can’t resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
* There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can’t you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
* You can simply agree to disagree and reach “emotional closure” even though you haven’t reached closure on the issue.

MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER

* There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don’t share common interests and activities.
* If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don’t do it!

MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE

* Don’t be afraid to argue because you think it’s a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.
* If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated.
* Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines:

o Don’t abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument.
o Don’t seek conflict because it’s stimulating.
o Don’t pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments.
o Don’t avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument.

MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS

* Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can’t forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
* Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we’re letting loose often don’t represent how we really feel and shouldn’t be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive.

MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX

* The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
* Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the “importance scale” if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the “importance scale.”
* Don’t restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.

MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER

* Nobody’s perfect. As long as your partner’s quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
* Instead of focusing on your partner’s shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn’t mainstream, doesn’t mean that it’s toxic to the relationship.
* Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.

MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT

* Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive “right way” to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you.
* Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
* Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner’s expressions of love. There is no “right way” for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn’t make those feelings less genuine or of less value.

MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT

* Don’t fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
* Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
* If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.

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Dr. Phil Kills 10 myths

I didn’t tell anyone what happened today. I went through the whole day acting like I usually do. I failed my English test. I know I did, I as even focused. Ms. Conway didn’t look too happy with my sheet, and that was just from a glance. Who knew that Romeo and Juliet would be such a tough story to digest?

I walked home by myself, repeating the number in my head over and over. 457-901-1292, 457-901-1292. As soon as I got into the house, I ran to the phone. Halt. Wait. I hear talking. 

“I’m going to talk to him when he gets in. This is getting out of hand.”

Uh oh. Being an only child isn’t always the best. In situations when you can hear your mom speaking of a “him”, you just know she’s talking about you. I’m not looking forward to this.

“Hi mom.”

Oh, I had a memory lapse again. I didn’t take the time to tell you what my mom does for a living. She works from home running websites. If there’s anything to do with computer software, hardware or websites, she knows it. Which is where the problem starts.

“Come here Kavin.”

Not even a “Hello Kavin, how was your day?” remark. This is not good.

“Yes mom?”

“What’s this?” she said in a monotone voice.

As the screen pulled up, I looked to see a woman. As the screen loaded, I saw more of the woman. As the screen was fully loaded-

“MOM, WHAT THE HELL?”

“Well, I certainly didn’t go on this website.”

No. No, no, no. She doesn’t understand. My friend sent me this website as a joke. 

“Mom, my friend sent-”

“Oh so now your FRIENDS are involved in this too?”

Strike two. 

“No m-mom, you don’t understand. He sent it to me as a joke.” I stuttered.

“Then why does it show that this page was open for 24 minutes?” she said bluntly.

Strike three. The problem is that the website opened in the background and I didn’t know it was there until later.

“Kavin, I never thought I would have to do this, but you’re grounded from the phone and computer.”

NO! I need to use the phone tonight!

“Mom, please, I need to use the phone tonight! Please!” I begged.

“Oh? And why is that?”

Ah the hell with it. I might as well tell her what’s going on.

“I’m…going on a date…” I stammered.

Awkward? Farting in class and trying to cover it up is awkward. Being caught in your boxers by a classroom full of your friends is awkward. Talking to Kim was awkward. 

This was way more than awkward.

“A date? Oh! I never thought the day would come!” she exclaimed.

Wow. My mom seemed to be a little TOO excited. 

“When do I get to meet her?”

What?

“What?” I asked.

“Well, your girlfriend of course.”

I don’t have a girlfriend. 

“Mom, she’s not my girlfriend, it’s just a date, and it’s with a group of people.”

My mom’s face changed to a disappointing look.

“Nonsense,” she convinced herself. “I’ll let you use the phone on one condition. You invite this girlfriend of yours for dinner next week.”

Is my mom blackmailing me? I can’t believe I’m hearing this from my own mother’s mouth. And that’s just the beginning. She wants me to invite Kim over? But I can’t! She doesn’t know me well enough! But, she won’t let me use the phone if I don’t…and I don’t want to miss out on this group date.

“…OK, mom. I’ll call her tonight…”

“Oh this is just wonderful! I can’t wait!”

And thus, the weirdness began.

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Story Time Pt. 3

OK, my mind’s out of control. I just have to walk up and start a conversation. How hard could that be? I slowly walked up to her, only looking at her beautiful curvacious figure. She’s definitely petite, but she’s the kind of petite that you could live with if you know what I mean. As my eyes traced her body, our eyes met. 

You might think this is a beautiful way for your eyes to meet, but I thought of it from her perspective. Yet another thing I learned from my dad. If I had a guy tracing me with his eyes, jaws dropped, the first thing I would do is walk away. 

On the contrary. She gave me a small smirk. Her dimples were enough to light up my heart, and her teeth were enough to light up New York city. I finally did it. I managed to approach her.

“Hello there beautiful.” I said in my attempt at a deep voice.

“Aww thank you, hello to you Kavin.”

Wow. She knows my name. Maybe the books were wrong, maybe she is the one. Maybe she’s willing to go out on a date with me. Wait, what am I thinking? A girl of her stature going on a date with me? Unfathomable. But maybe Kim likes the nice guy attitude. Maybe she does like scrawny 5′8 men who don’t brush their hair. The more I thought of uncertainties, the dizzier I got.

“Kavin, are you alright?”

“Oh yeah, I’m totally fine, just a little dizzy, that’s all.”

“Oh do you want a Tylenol? I have some in my bag.”

She’s the girl of my dreams, no doubt about it.

“Sure, I’ll take one.” 

As she handed me the pill, our fingers brushed. My hand almost went out of control out of excitement. Wow, I am pathetic aren’t I. Getting excited over a little hand brush. I have to get myself in check. As I swallowed the pill, I felt instant relief.

“Wow, I feel better already!”

Maybe it was the Tylenol, maybe it was just the excitement of being close to her.

“Oh, it’s the new fast dissolving gel pills they sell.”

Maybe it was the Tylenol.

“Oh, I have to repay you somehow Kim.”

I don’t know what was going through my mind at the time, but a whole well of feelings started to come out. I had never been this close to a girl I liked and I felt like I would never be this close again. Before I could even think, the words slithered out of my mouth like a decisive snake.

“Do you want to go watch a movie sometime Kim?”

I was in shock. I can’t believe I just said it. We barely even know each other. It just, slipped out of my mouth. I want to say that, I want to say it’s a joke but if I retract the statement, what chance would there ever be of saying it again? This was it. I had just taken accidental action and now I must take accidental responsibility for it.

“Sure! I’ve been wanting to watch Watchmen for sometime now. Maybe you can get your friends and I can get mine? It’d be nice to go as a group.”

Saved. I was saved. She misunderstood me. I was saved. She thinks it’s a group thing. I’m saved. I can’t believe how saved I am. Uh oh. The broken record syndrome is happening again, I’m starting to repeat myself. Yet ANOTHER trait from my dad.

“Sure thing Kim, I’ll check out the movie times later tonight. Do you want to give me your number so I can tell you the times tonight?”

“Sure thing. My number is 457-901-1292″

Even her numbers sound sensual.

“Alright, call you tonight.” I said.

Wait a minute. Did I just get Kim’s number? I just got Kim’s number. Without even trying or giving it a second thought, Kim just gave me her number. God is truly on my side today. I could use this as an opportunity to bring up another conversation with her. Who can honestly say that they got Kim’s number on their first try? I can.

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Story Time Pt. 2

As I head to the shower, I place a smile on my face. Forcefully of course. My father’s broken record of a mouth always told me, “Smile even in the grimmest times, the action will bring out the feeling.” It’s something I never forgot, as it was the day my father passed away on his deathbed. He was always one to give advice, good and bad. He could never tell the difference but he was only human, I’m not one to judge the man that I looked up to.

As I stepped out of the shower and got my clothes on,the scent of scrambled eggs and pancakes snooped under my door. “Kavin, come down and eat breakfast, you’re going to be late for school!” Unfortunately, my mom doesn’t realize her clock is 15 minutes ahead like mine, and hasn’t figured it out for the past 4 years. She always rushes out of the house to get to her workplace only to tell us later in the day that God is looking down on us because we’re never late.

“Mom, these eggs are amazing.”
“Aw honey, you still haven’t lost your ability to be so kind with your words.”

Yet another thing my dad taught me. Being appreciative towards things in your life always has great outcomes. It’s worked throughout the majority of my life. The minority of my life includes women.

I guess I never talked about it. I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m 17 years old and I haven’t had a girlfriend. I have yet to kiss a girl. I haven’t even touched a girls hand yet. The funny thing is, I’m not even shy around girls. I can talk to any girl and become great friends with her but when I even hint at wanting a relationship, I get hints of rejection back at me.

Bringing up the topic of broken records again, the words I keep on hearing are, “Don’t worry Kavin, you’ll find the right girl at the right time.” Why can’t the right time be now?

No, today is going to be different. I’m going to be more outgoing, I’m going to be more talkative, I’m even going to take some risks with girls. In fact, as of right now, the next girl I talk to will be my girlfriend.

The walk from my house to the school is pretty lonely. The fog covered, dead tree haven you can call my neighborhood leaves me wondering if there are human life sources amidst it.. Almost half the neighborhood moved away since the propane explosion incident that happened last January. Long story short: don’t take apart a propane tank without proper guidance.

As I reach the mossy brick gates to my school, I feel a sudden warmth on my shoulder.

“Kavin my man, what’s going on?”

Great. Just what I wanted. A guy to talk to me.

“Hey Al, just heading into school man.”

I turn around to see Al, a 6′4 giant wearing a plaid shirt and torn up jeans.

“Al,” I began. “Why do you always wear those jeans? They don’t make you look cool.”

“Kav, you just don’t get it. Guys wear these kinds of jeans all the time. Get with the trends!”

Surprisingly, Al is one of the most popular kids in school. So popular that he was voted school president for this year. I was iffy on the choice the students made at first but he proved me and all the doubters wrong. He managed to change the school time from 8:30AM-3:30PM to 9:00AM-3:00PM. He isn’t exactly the most intelligent person you could meet, but he sure holds his ground.

As I was about to start a pointless argument about clothing trends with Al, I saw her. 5′3, dyed blond hair, Kim. She’s an incredibly nice person, she’s beautiful, and she’s single. What more could I ask for? I’ve read stories about her type before. She acts nice on the outside but she’s a bitch on the inside. Or, as another book stated, “She’s a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” I’m hoping it’s the latter.

Still with the promise I kept to myself today, I approached her and her group of friends. That’s when it hit me, literally. I turned my head, then craned it down to see Stacy. She was not someone I knew well and she didn’t really stick out in my mind, but I helped her pick up her books regardless.

“Sorry about that, I should have watched where I was going.” I proclaimed.

“Oh, it’s OK, it’s not the first time,” she smiled.

Oh shit, I just realized. I just unintentionally fulfilled the promise I made, to the wrong person! After I walked away, I panicked a little until I came to another realization. “It was a stupid promise anyway,” I said to myself. “It’s not like it means anything…”

To be continued,
D’Tanga Small

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Story Time Pt. 1

First of all, what is true peace? I may not speak for everyone, but a definite element of true peace must be the halt of all wars and hate. This may be a little extreme but it’s what mankind wants consciously. Our subconscious may disagree though.

Our history is riddled with many instances of war. Some gigantic wars such as WWI and WWII, some wars fought without violence such as the Cold War and some smaller instances of war that are happening right now that we don’t know about.

We can all agree that war is a continuous cycle in the history of mankind. Why does war exist and what does war accomplish though? Justice? Hardly. Millions are slaughtered over matters that may have been dealt with differently. That’s hardly justice. The other reason is to fight over ownership of something. This may or may not be physical though. This can switch from pride to oil to gold to slaves. Whatever the case may be, war is most often fought for the ownership of something. Wouldn’t war just be selfish and repetitive then?

Picture yourself in a warmonger’s shoes: your people are slaughtered day in and day out for the sake of gaining something of value for yourself.

How would we go about solving this problem?

First of all, we have to realize that it is human nature to have war and hate. There is no doubting that. There is always a polar opposite existing in the world. For as long as there is peace, there is war and vice versa.

What we may not realize is that our fight for our own peace may be putting another person’s peace in jeopardy. The US is now having a war in Iran and innocent people are being killed daily on both sides. Both sides are experiencing this pain but is there enough to convince people that doing this is wrong? A soldier on the battlefield may think so, but who’s the one that gives them the command in the first place? Most of the time, it’s a person who’s never experienced war.

So where do we go from here?

Like I said, everyone is aware of the previous wars and some of the current wars. Knowing is never enough though. We can preach and protest all we want about ending war, but until we experience the pains of war, the pain of losing someone, we can never stop it.

In essence, for the world to achieve true peace at least temporarily, everyone in the world would have to either be inspired to stop war or feel enough of the pain of war to stop them by sheer fear. The latter can be the quick solution but it can also be the most painful. The question here is, would the world accept a massive amount of global pain to add peace to the cycle of war in future generations or should we go about leaving things the way they are now? It’s a tough decision that no one wants to face but may be necessary. Of course, all of the peace will only be withheld temporarily and the cycle of war will start again, but as long as that massive pain keeps coming back to teach people not to have wars, then we can add peace to the cycle of revenge and war.

People learn through fear or inspiration. Would you acknowledge global and equal fear if you knew it meant adding peace to the cycle of hatred?

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True Peace

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Phase One

Anyway, I’m all better now!

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I’m better

I’ll be back to the weightroom tomorrow, and that means no holding back.

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Hamstring Injury

Try not to hold in your emotions, it can be painful and it’s alright to feel negative at times. Holy hell, I was so pissed today and to a certain extent I still am, but if I were to have held in those emotions, my body would go haywire along with my mind. It’s always good to talk things out too, but the one thing that people DON’T do when they talk things out is they don’t actually do something with the advice. Everyone’s guilty of it and it’s not a bad thing, but your problems will move a lot quicker if you listen to someone with more experience. That person for me, is probably my older sister and my really close friends. For you, it could be a parent, a friend, anybody. It doesn’t matter who it is. As long as you know that they’ve experienced what you have and got through it, then it should be find to talk to them.

Try not to take advice from people who probably don’t know anything about your situation. Would you ask your mechanic for medical advice? If you would, then have fun rubbing iodine on a broken bone (HAHA it’s supposed to be a joke, comedy!!). 

Being emotional isn’t the problem, controlling your emotions is.

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Displaying your emotions

The reason I’m saying this is because a lot of divorces these days are caused because of poor money managing skills and debt. Money management should be #1 on our to-do list of life, because no matter how you look at it, money is VERY important. 

Love can’t be the only thing pushing a relationship. Love and logic placed together are a sure winner.

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Logic + Love = Success

Whenever I was listening in on conversations people have, it seems that everyone’s ego is overshadowing their intelligence. Clothes, music, friends, it seems that all of this plays into people’s egos. People start to forget about other people and are so sucked into their own egotistical world that they forget about the happiness. People will sink down to the lowest level because someone else insulted them. This is what happens when 2 egos collide. They argue and argue, and fight, and hate, simply because they are insecure about themselves. 

What people don’t seem to get, is that there is a difference between ego and self-respect. Big egos make you look like an ignorant asshole. Self-respect means that no matter what happens, no matter who says what about you, that you can recover and come out stronger than before, because you love yourself enough. I’m not perfect. Of course people’s words have hurt me, and guess what? They still do. It’s all a part of being human. I’m just asking people to stop being so self-absorbed and to start reaching out to others. When you get too self-absorbed, you’re going to realize that there is no one else around you that cares about you. 

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Ego

So why do people reject friendship? Is it because of their view of what ‘annoying’ is or what ‘mean’ is or what ‘bitchy’ or anything else is? Everyone has their own personalities, and that’s something you have to deal with. You should embrace everybody and everything around you, because you never know when you’re going to lose something close to you. It’s the hardest thing to lose someone you love but at least you know that you’ve worked to create that relationship, whether it be friendship, dating or marriage. It’s hard to lose someone but at least you have memories of when you were with them. It’s hard to lose somebody but it would’ve been even worse if you had never met them in the first place.

It’s also impossible to be friends with everyone, but don’t be so picky. You never know when you’ll find the most amazing person, even if their first impressions aren’t so great. People are a lot deeper than you think. They may have more in common with you than you think. 

You know what I find interesting? I find it interesting that (and yes, I stole this from Denis) people will date someone after only a couple of days of knowing them, while the people that truly care for them, that have been waiting for that one day where they would be accepted by them, are never accepted. I find it funny that people will simply go with another person because they ‘feel them’ or because of how they dress or some dumb shit like that. I find it funny that people will be with someone because they’re the same race as them. And I find ithilarious that people will actually BLAME a whole gender for one breakup. I’ve seen it before. I’ve seen messages like “all women are bitches” or “all men are dogs” and it’s just so ignorant. YOUR relationship is an isolated situation and it has nothing to do with men or women in general. 

Something else that irritates the hell out of me is how people take other people for granted. These are your FRIENDS, your LOVERS, the people that you’ve lived with for so long. How can you take them for granted, how can you take advantage of them? Is it because of something that happened in your past? GET OVER IT. Or maybe you just enjoy doing that type of thing to other people. I’m not one to make assumptions though, maybe you regret it and you’re too scared to do anything else. Maybe it’s a defensive barrier, a mask that covers your true emotions. Maybe you’re incapable of giving a damn about another person because you’re afraid of losing them. If you’re in that situation, I can’t say I can relate, but it’s a situation that people come by very often. I think this mask that we wear all the time may be the cause of a lot of negativity around us. We’re afraid of showing our true selves, so we mask ourselves to make sure other people don’t think weirdly of you, or don’t think of you as a bad person. I think every once in a while though, that we need to take off our mask and just let out our true emotions. 

Why am I writing such a long note? A lot of stuff happened, and I’d prefer not to make it public. I just want to let everyone know that if you love someone, not to take them for granted. You never know when you can lose them. When I say lose them, I mean that they can die any day. When I say lose them, I mean that because of the way you treated them, they could be gone from your sight within moments. Don’t take people for granted, they have a lot more control over your emotions than you think.

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You never know what you have until you’ve lost it

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Insignificant Problems

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DanceCubed

WE’RE PERFORMING ON JUNE 29TH!! I’m nervous, but recently, I watched a Macbeth presentation and one of the actors said himself, “Whenever I think I’m nervous, I just say ‘I’m not nervous, I’m excited!’ and my nervousness slowly dissapates.” It’s an interesting concept and it works! Distractions also help, if I’m distracted before the performance, I’m not focusing so much on how much I remembered or how nervous I am.

I’m getting into the basics of hip hop dancing. I purchased a How To Breakdance DVD and it’s proven to be quite effective. The only problem is that I’m too weak for some of the moves. That means I have to focus on losnig weight and gaining muscle this summer. No more McDonalds for me! It’s all healthy eating and working hard. Learning the basics is really fun to be honest. I believe that working from the bottom to the top proves to be stronger than being a genius at it from the start. Hard work beats genius in my opinion, simply because you have more effort going towards it. That’s why I’m so focused on getting stronger, slimmer and becomine a better dancer.
I’m sick, but I don’t think it’s much. I’ve been coughing more than usual but it hasn’t really affected my performance. To be safe though, I’m going to the doctor’s tomorrow to see if there’s anything I can get prescribed to me. It wakes me up sometimes but I’ve chosen not to think about it in a bad way and just continue to do what I do best: practice!

Well, that’s a small update but I hope it’s an effective one. Hope y’all liked it.

- D’Tanga

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The Basics, The Performance and The Sickness