President George W. Bush

I kind of wish we'd thought about trying this sooner.

president_dubya — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 06:47:28 GMT

Hack the Vote. Hump the Children.

president_dubya — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 12:07:34 GMT

As citizens all across America are preparing for the crucial mid-term elections, I want to urge all my loyal Republican cronies and evengelical Christian sheep not to worry.

Forty percent of the people voting this year will be using electronic voting machines. Three out of four of those are manufactured by pro-GOP corporations such as Diebold, whose leader vocally said he would guarantee the 2004 election would be delivered to me. By running stealthy programs once again this year to erase or even reverse Democratic votes in the 37 states that have no way to verify the accuracy of these machines, we will once again prevail, and show public opinion and exit polls both to be blaringly inaccurate within these regions, and Republicans who are down by as many as thirty points the very morning of election day will miraculously find themselves the victors once again.

When this very same situation arose in Australia, it was addressed in a number of weeks. We won't be able to investigate this until after mid mid-term elections, though. That's how it's done. Those pansies from down under don't know how to hold on to power the way we do.

There are some important facts you should emphasize to freedom-loving pro-democracy Democrats you may know. Tell them that the economy is strong, and our trade deficit is only at one third of a trillion dollars. If they mention the fact that when I came into office I inherited a 500 billion dollar surplus, just ignore that fact. The past is the past. Also, don't mention that I've already put in to borrow another 800 billion after elections this year. That will just give them something else to whine about.

Also do not mention the large number of Republican child sex offenders, not even including Mark Foley, as this may cast uncertainty on our phony moral values stance, which we maintain in order to manipulate the votes of countless respected rednecks and nutty evangelicals. God loves your votes. And we love your children. In fact, we love them so much that we pay tens of millions of dollars to our own agents to trade pornography of them with online enthusiasts. The Republic love for your children can be both educational and enriching. This past Friday, I personally declared two young girls' parents enemy combatants, and while they were enroute via Areo Contractors to one of our prisons in Egypt, I gave the young girls lessons in dance, including the Pelvic Thrust, the Unskinny Bop, and the Humpty Hump. That's my favorite.

Lastly, and possibly the most importantly, do not share this blog on the interwebs with any Democrats. This is only for us Republicans and our political bitches. If this information were to get into the hands of people that don't support our cause, we're just gonna have to kill 'em.

Remember, in order for democracy to thrive, we must clutch it firmly by the balls.

God bless you, and thank you for being one of us.

Torture Bill FTW

president_dubya — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 21:24:37 GMT

I understand some of you are upset that my Torture Bill has been overwhelmingly approved. Now first off, you shouldn't call it the Torture Bill. While I do intend to use it to detain former president Clinton, it's not just to torture Bill. With the passage of the Military Commissions Act of 2006, we can hold anybody as an enemy combatant and rip their testicles off slowly, or lock them up for as long as we like. This is a great victory for freedom, as I am now more free to do whatever I want to you, and my Thuggee Guards are not obligated to even tell you why they are shoving a living salamander up your ass (I really love the looks you citizens get when they do that). Or the sewing under the eyelids of hungry Madagascar cockroaches.

I especially want to thank all the treasonous Democrats who voted for this measure to pass, such as Mike McIntyre from North Carolina, Sanford Bishop of Georgia, and the lovely Melissa Bean from Illinois, among others. Without your support, I might actually have had to justify this complete disregard of what used to be Americans' rights. Here's a list of who voted what way. You should memorize this list of politicians loyal to my regime, because if you don't know their names, how will I know you are loyal when we come to your house?

God bless them all.

Pope your eyes out

president_dubya — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 20:22:28 GMT

I feel the need to clarificate on some points made by the Pope in some recent pointage. A lot of Muslims are angry at the Pope for saying that all Muslims are terrorists. And the Muslims will probably try to blow up the Pope in a terrorist attack in order to prove him wrong. In order to protect the American people, we have to remember that what the Pope says is right. Islamic religions propogatify themselves through violence and death. Everything the Pope says, you should listen to. Except that he is wrong about a couple things. Gays are evil, not just someone you have to keep an eye on. Also, the Catholic church is a church of well intentioned but misguided people. Once we have converted the Pope to a Southern Baptist, everything will be OK.

Thank you, Red America

president_dubya — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 03:25:07 GMT

We've just concluded the fifth annual 9-11 Orgy For Freedom and disposed of the guests Flight 77 style, and I am in a great mood! I'm in such a good mood, that I want to thank each and every one of you, the American citizens. I would also like to thank the Iraqi parents who left their daughters and sons unattended.

Also, I would like to thank Disney for producing the propaganda film "The Path to 9-11", and Steve Jobs in particular. When a recent polling showed that only three out of ten people believe the World Trade Center was destroyed by airplanes, Mr. Jobs and his firm took this task of bending the facts that are on the record, as well as the daunting job of fabricating all the rest. I would also like to thank Mac users everywhere. Not only have you demonstrated that you are easily led by the media, and thus the ideal Americans, but you also have given your money to Mr. Jobs in order to further our campaign of disinformation. Wow, without you... people might think our lies ain't true!

While I was looking at our handiwork at the site of Ground Zero, I was glad to help lend an air of religion to the scene. Remember, do as God says. And I'll tell you what that is. You've got to obey me and God, or you're a terrorist wiccan commie towelhead whore, like the entire Democratic party, who would rather see humane treatment of people and higher rates of pay for working Americans than gratuitous (and often fun) torture and more estate tax breaks for the wealthy. God damn them! And god damn reporters for claiming we said there was a link between Iraq and 9-11, solely based on the fact that we did say that. Motherfuckers jumping to conclusions. Like I told Mr. Blair, they need to just stop that shit.

I just want to remind you that a police state is a safe state, and unless it's in the palm of your hand, you just can't trust freedom! You don't want a Democracy -- that would be a country controlled by Democrats! The only way to be safe from the terrorist threat is for this country to be run by Republicans. That would make it a Republic, like the wonderful and free country of China.

Also, we have to stop Iran with the nukeyaler weapons, and all Democrats are terrorists. And all members of the Green Party are Al Qaida operatives made out of plastic explosives.

So I'm gonna finish this very last beer, snuff this last girl, and jerk off to the film of those towers falling over and over and over again. This has really been a fabulous plan. God bless you.

president_dubya — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 01:45:55 GMT

My pants still will not open. This is obviously the work of the terrible, terrifying terrorists. Also, my horse piss tastes like beer.

My Pants. Are wholesome Christian pants.

president_dubya — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 23:22:57 GMT

Sorry for the delay. We're still hanging out here on the second day of the fifth anniversary celebration of 9-11, passing around the 40's. God damn, we're having a good time. We've had a bunch of little Iraqi girls kidnapped and Cheney's jumping in and out of the dungeon as I type this. Listen, your tax dollars are HARD at work, and there's still more beer. I think Gonzales just ran back in with the whip. Man, that's like the sixth time today! Anyway, I'm gonna go show 'em who's in charge. As soon as I can figure out how to undo my pants.

Zark Owie and the Queers

president_dubya — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 08:34:08 GMT

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi got killed again. First we blew up his house and a bunch of people he had over for tea or whatever those people drink. Then he was reportedly shot several times while making his exit. So we killed him twice. Some might call it overkill (I made a funny), but it's a turning point on the War on Terror™. Yes, another one. We have a lot of turning points, because God likes them. Since it had to hurt, I'm going to call him Zark Owie. I made another joke. I am so clever. It's not like Iranian names mean anything anyway. Anyway, Zark Owie has met his end and this violent man will never murder again. Almost definitely. Probably.

In more important news, Alabama has agreed to become an official theocracy and has now written a law against gay marriage. Because it's immoral and wrong. Not like killing three thousand people and blaming someone else -- that was for God. Those obnoxious nigger- and queer-loving liberals stopped my national ban from going through once more, so I've turned right back around and I'm putting it in again. While Americans are supposed to be able to pursue happiness, homosexuals are clearly un-American. Didn't you read your bible? It says "straight and narrow", and that clearly defines our ideals.

A few thoughts on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

president_dubya — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 04:00:22 GMT

These thoughts are accurate and correct, and they should be your thoughts too.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day was established by a bunch of darkies that thought to themselves "Man, the crackaz gots it too good yo. We gots to do wit'out like every dizzle n' shit, know what I'm sayin'?" So what they did was they pooled all their welfare checks and Planned Parenthood income and bought the administration for one day.

The idear is that since Whitey keeps the chocolate munchkins from getting ahead in life, they'd set aside a day to shut the whole system down and give them a taste of what it's like to do "wit'out". After all, you can't make it day to day on just your cushy-ass Affirmative Action corporate executive pay alone, with sixteen kids and two new Cadillacs (you need seventeen kids to pull that kind of income). So for one day, under the onus of Black Power, whitey can't, say, go to the grocery store to buy food, get electricity turned on, take their seriously ill pet to a veterinarian, or any of the other frivolous crap that whitey likes to do.

Since the black minority, which accounts for 60% of America's population, can't afford any of the above crap, they won't miss it for just one more day. And it's yet another inconvenience to the caucasian masses. After all, two hundred years ago they kept the black folk down, right? And there's nothing like making an entire race pay for mistakes that took place a hundred years before any of its members were even born. That's why we make those damn Irish farm potatoes and work on the railroad every day.

I fucking hate the Irish. Alberto says it's because they drink more than me, but I don't agree. There's no way the combined Irish populace can drink more than I do.

Anyway, I expect my speech writers to polish this before I deliver it publicly. Oh, and New Orleans got flooded because God is white.

Really, it's just a goddamned piece of paper.

president_dubya — Fri, 16 Dec 2005 05:49:41 GMT

I understand that a lot of weak-willed, unpatriotic freedom haters are whining about me referring to the Constitution as such just a few days ago. I would like to remind you that this is a country built on freedom. One of the basic human rights of freedom that has been established in this country is our responsibility... out duty... to change the government to more properly serve the people. As ~~Supreme Ruler of Everything~~ Commander-In-Chief, I feel that it is my duty as a proud American to lead by example. And so, I would like to remind you that the Constitution can be wadded up and chucked like any other government document, by the wording in it and the Declaration of Independence as well. I could ball it up and wipe my ass with it, and it wouldn't matter. Cheney, Gonzalez, and I could all rip it into strips and roll big joints and roll around on the Oval Office floor, laughing our asses off the way we did with the Downing Street Memo. Err... Anyway, that's the long and short of it. And under the First Amendment, I can say anything about the Constitution I damn well please. So stick it, and shut up already.

Culling the Herd

president_dubya — Tue, 06 Sep 2005 13:26:09 GMT

It's been a busy couple of weeks. Aside from the important issue of making sure gas prices get raised all over this fabulous nation, we've also been hit by a hurricane which has caused a region-wide ecological disaster that will take years to recover from. I was mad about that to begin with, since there were hundreds of thousands of homes without power. If they aren't using power, that looks bad on my credibility about an energy crisis. Dick Cheney recommended having everyone without electricity shot, and Gonzalez said it would be better to glue jars of starving rats to their faces and blowtorch the outside. They got in a big fight, then went off to be alone together. I suppose they didn't want to be seen fighting in public. What gentlemen!

Both libruls and conservatives have pointed out that Katrina was almost certainly brought on by global warming. Global warming is brought about by greenhouse gases, which the United States produces more of than any other nation. I argued that since global warming is American-made, it can't be all bad. In fact, I'm working on making it mandatory for every country in the world to pay the United States a fee for saving them energy during the winter. Ingrates. ~~Naturally, I had them shot.~~

The city of New Orleans, as you have no doubt heard despite my best attempts to make it a black op, has been mostly destroyed. Lots of people are drowning and dying in the streets. The so-called survivors (which, I assure you, are temporary) are going on and on about not having food and water. Well, there's meat laying everywhere, and the bodies are seventy percent water. John Kerry and I learned this in Veitnam when we'd sneak out into the night and eat Veitnamese teenage girls. If these people don't care enough for their own survival to improvise, fine. I'm sending Halliburton in to clean up after our engineered floodgate collapse anyway. As everybody knows, New Orleans is full of blacks, which are all terrorists who steal color TVs, and not really people. They take welfare and don't pay taxes, so they are a burden on ~~my wallet~~ our great nation's economy. Once Cheney's men have slaughtered every man, woman, and child left there, maybe we can convert it from a mook breeding ground to something useful.

Do you think New Orleans would look better as a parking lot, a golf course, or a big stone face of me that could be seen from orbit?

A stroke of fortune.

president_dubya — Sun, 21 Aug 2005 04:59:13 GMT

The silly broad that was camping out on my front lawn finally left when her mother had an ill-timed stroke. Isn't that a laugh riot? It was sort of tough slipping the old vulture enough toxins to put her in that state. We must have hit her with enough drugs to keep Ted Kennedy pickled for life, but the bitch just wouldn't go down. Didn't help in the end, because we are always coming up with creative new ways to hurt American citizens.

Now all Cindy's hangers-on should kindly get the hell away from my property as well. We've got their children wired up to spontaneously combust. You know... for their safety.

Boom Today

president_dubya — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 01:27:52 GMT

It's been a little while since I've offered my greetings. But you will understand that Prime Minister Tony Blair and myself have been very busy fighting terror. After the bombings of the public transportation system in London two weeks ago (which was Blair's idea, not mine), the British government has begun to consider many new regulations to combat the terrorist threat. By taking away civil liberties and compromising personal privacy regarding communication, they will help keep freedom safe.

Here in America, parts of the helpful Patriot Act are coming up for review. I urge members of Congress to again approve all aspects of the Patriot Act so that we can make sure people stay in line, and so that we can more ea ily find potential terrorists, sand monkey sympathizers, and people who don't agree with our moral values, and detain and torture them for indefinite periods of time.

Finally, there has been a lot of ruckus about my nominee for the Supreme Court. A lot of people saying that a Supreme Court judge should be moderate, not some kind of extremist who has practically no judicial experience, but a long track record of fighting against civil rights. Some asshole even had the gall to point out that I said I dislike "activist judges", yet I'm appointing one.

Fuck all of you. It's okay if it fits into my agenda.

Assassassinashun

president_dubya — Tue, 14 Jun 2005 07:15:26 GMT

Since it's now declassified, I suppose it's okay to let you in on the assassination attempt to assassinate me eight months ago in the past.

I was standing up at the podium to read one of those fabulous speeches we've got somebody that writes, when out of the blue somebody shot me in the head with a bullet from a gun.

I started leaning on the podium then and getting a bit impatient. After all, I did have a hole in my head. Imagine someone hating freedom so much that they shoot their own dictator! Fortunately, my brain is very very compact.

Remind me next time and I'll tell you about how, when I was in Russia, I defused a grenade with my mind.

Stop cloning around!

president_dubya — Sat, 21 May 2005 17:26:47 GMT

I hear that Korea has discovered a way to cure certain diseases by growing stem cells and putting them in people. This upsets me for several reasons.

1) Science is an affrontery to God®. In a theocracy like the United States, keeping people as ignorant as possible is necessary to maintain a powerful power base.

2) I am greatly concerned about a world where cloning is acceptable. If we start cloning people, they'll be evil dopplegangbangers and kill innocent people. This is a bad thing because less people means less taxes, less taxes means less grog, and we're getting dangerously low on grog. ~~It also means Jeb and me can't get as many underage prostitutes for our snuff orgies.~~

3) The ability to cure disease inspires hope, and hope is unhealthy.

4) As Emperor of Earth and Right Hand of the Almighty, I have ~~dickread~~ decreed that no country in the world should have cloning. Any country or individual found to be cloning anyone other than Jerry Falwell will be blowed up with nukeyaler weapons.

Super Soldiers

president_dubya — Wed, 20 Apr 2005 19:55:40 GMT

All of you commie mutant traitors will pay for your insolence. Even though the genetic prototypes of my super soldiers made in my own likeness were shot to death, they did mutilate one of you evil tree hugging bastards in a most amusing manner. I will soon unleash an army of these super soldiers in the accursed blue states. Beware!

I believe the term is w00t!

president_dubya — Sat, 16 Apr 2005 21:37:34 GMT

I got a slime-mold beetle named after me! How many of my opponents can make that claim, huh?

Monkeys in office? Not on my watch!

president_dubya — Sat, 16 Apr 2005 10:48:42 GMT

I was in the room when Dick Cheney's cherry-ass dyke daughter was watching an old film called "Bonzo Runs For President". I believe this movie is a slap in the face of all decent, hard-working Americans. To imagine that a monkey could run for president is completely ridiculous. And what would happen if he won? He would beat his chest and use the might of this nation to fulfill his primitive and barbaric primal instincts. At least as long as I'm here, America can rest easy knowing that a chimpanzee will never get into office!

God's Justice

president_dubya — Mon, 04 Apr 2005 13:52:16 GMT

Well, the pope is dead. He opposed the invasion of Iraq, so naturally God decided he was a heretic and killed him outright. I went in person to make sure it wasn't some kind of pagan satanist catholic trick (along with two thin Secret Service men packing Thompsons under their coats). Let me assure you, my good Christian readers, that he is as dead as a Jew on a communion wafer.

God hates hangovers

president_dubya — Sun, 20 Mar 2005 13:53:19 GMT

Man, I am so hung over from last night's party. The last hooker just left ~~in a bodybag~~ a few minutes ago. It has been a wild time, and I wish more of you could have been there. Gonzalez crushed some jumping beans and snorted them off a mirror, then pissed in the punch. Laura beat him with a stick and then they went off somewhere -- I guess he was teaching her a lesson for hitting him, 'cause I think I heard her moaning. Dick Cheney does a swell Henry Kissinger impression. I have got a pile of beer cans half filling the oval office from Jeb and my drinking session last night (Coors, the beer that hates queers).

Well, I got to get up and go support the socialization of private security. Or something like that. The voices tell me it's important. I'll talk to y'all later.

Anniversary Party

president_dubya — Sat, 19 Mar 2005 23:19:25 GMT

Here at the White House, my beer buddies and me are celebrating the second anniversary of our invasion of Iraq. Think about it. Two years of glorious Republican warfare and marketable patriotism. Two years of killing off non-white non-Christians. Two years of snuffing out ideals and societies that are different from our God-ordained mandate of democracy.
Here's to four more years of the same thing! Excuse me. Some little animal is trying to feed me a pretzel. Man, we are having such a good time. I tried to get Gonzalez to do the Mexican Hat Dance, but he gave me the finger and went to stretch some members of the Green Party on the rack. That man has a lot of wit. Dick Cheney did a great table dance once Laura had some boubon and a few ~~ordurves~~ ~~H'ors douvres~~ little sandwiches in him.
A lot of people are protesting the war. Well, I'm thinking of having them drafted. We'll see how opposed to fighting they are when they're nose to nose with some scumbag with a rifle. Or an Iraqi.

president_dubya — Sat, 05 Feb 2005 02:15:27 GMT

I've been out on the road, promoting privatization of Social Security into personal accounts. It is what the people need, and the people need it. I was in Nebraska. I went to Omaha but I saw no cat dancers. Decent Americans everywhere are being misled by yiff-brains.

More important than your well-being as American citizens, I had a terrifying dream. I had a dream that terrorist ninjas were stalking around the White House and throwing pretzels at me like salty little ninja stars. The Secret Service men thought I was crazy, but since I'd had that pesky First Amendment repealed they couldn't say anything for penalty of death. Then one of the Secret Service men turned out to be a terrorist ninja and threw a pretzel at me during one of those fabulous speeches I often read aloud. It went in my shirt pocket and was very embarrassing. Either it was chocolate covered, or the ninja tried to remote stink-palm me.

Iguanarration

president_dubya — Fri, 21 Jan 2005 06:44:38 GMT

I've had one terrific evening and have had one Hell of a night partying with my rich friends in Washtington DC. The inaugural went as planned. By selling tickets only to supporters, I was able to keep those commie pinko freedom haters largely out of the media coverage of the motorcade and speech. Laura and I even got out of our custom Cadillac limousine for a moment near the Treasury.

The speech I ~~read~~ wrote centered on the ideals I've supported for the last four years. I stated that the only way to secure the freedom of America is to pre-emptively destroy the governments of other nations who think differently from the way I think they should, through subterfuge or force if necessary. The only way to protect the freedom of minorities is to destroy them, so they don't have to worry about it, like I've been trying to do to blacks, gays, and women. And I made sure to invoke the mighty God several times to continue eradicating the line between church and state because, by re-electing me, you have clearly shown your desire for a theocratic elite oligarchy.

May God bless you, and may He watch over the United States of America.

Iraq the Vote

president_dubya — Tue, 18 Jan 2005 20:25:06 GMT

As you know, the new frontier of freedom, Iraq, will be holding its first democratic election later this month. We will demonstrate the true meaning of democracy by holding polls in which only a small percentage of the population can attend and the outcome will be only a guideline for the shape of government to come. We are also planning to keep heavily armed military personnel around to protect the Iraqi people responsible enough to do their duty as Americans and vote.

Weapons of Mass Destruction

president_dubya — Thu, 13 Jan 2005 05:52:58 GMT

As you have heard, we have officially called off the search for weapons of mass destruction in the country or Iraq. Iraq is a country. It has a lot of people. A lot of people can hide weapons of mass destruction in creative and terrible ways. That will be our official line.

It is now common knowledge that there were never any nukeyaler or biological weapons in Saddam Hussein's arsenal. Since you, my dedicated supporters here, have re-elected me, you have supported my decision to remove him from power by any means necessary. Even though we fabricated the threat of nukeyaler weapons, I believe I did the right thing by sending thousands of your loved ones to die. Apparently, so do you.

To all my loyal supporters, please be patient. I understand that you may worry that things will change now, but I assure you that they will not. I will continue to wage the War On Terror™.