Mrs. O’Leary should shoot that damn cow
Remember learning about the Great Chicago Fire in history class and how 19th century cities were basically tinderboxes on the brink of burning down? That’s pretty much the reality of life in present day Detroit. As we learned during last night’s 85 fires, a little wind and an illegal power hook-up can pretty much burn Detroit to the ground. Also a dangerously undermanned, underequipped fire department. Like in Backdraft! Damn you Alderman Swazack. Get yourself a fire extinguisher, a garden hose, and pray for Chapter 9. This town is maybe one budget cut away from open sewers and roving gangs of cockney pickpockets. (Freep)

A bellwether day of awfulness
If the 85 fires (all caused by flammable high winds) wasn’t enough of a punch in balls, how about the shooting at Mumford High? On the first day of school. Robert “Bob” Bobb’s late bus doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. Our good friend, the Rev. Reverend David Murray, explained on WDET last summer how the school board’s stellar efforts reduced school violence. He ignored the recent Cody shooting because it technically happened away from school grounds. Using that logic we can discount this shooting because it started with a summertime feud. When school wasn’t in session. Everything is super. (Freep)

Really? Was it really that easy? Seriously?
The state’s budget mess is solved! After all those budget battles of the last few years, turns out all Lansing had to do was refinance a little debt, make a 3% cut, and durka doo everything is swell. Hey, that’s great. Thanks to the super work of Jennifer Granholm, Mike Bishop, and Andy Dillon, Michigan’s next governor will have a super-easy time now that Michigan’s structural budget deficits have been solved forever. Pay no attention to that MBT surcharge behind the curtain. Again, everything is super. Thanks Team Granholm-Bishop-Dillon! (DetNews)

Jesse Jackson’s cognitive dissonance
If Jesse Jackson insists on hanging around Detroit, he really should pay resident income tax. The guy literally won’t go away. It’s getting ridiculous. Yesterday, the once relevant Jackson voiced his opposition to urban farming. And yes, the whole let’s-grow-enough-food-to-feed-ourselves hippie claptrap is obnoxious and smacks of WorldNet Daily “crisis garden…also gold” paranoia, but that isn’t Jackson’s problem with citified agriculture. He’s afraid urban farming will displace residents because abandoned houses will be demolished. We wouldn’t want to displace residents of abandoned houses. That would be awful. (Freep)

Who is building new homes?
Supply and demand is a pretty basic concept. When there’s a surplus in supply, it means there’s more of something than there is demand for that said something in the marketplace. This is always the case except in the housing market where, despite nose-diving home values, record foreclosures, and a stagnant population, people are still building news homes. And other people pretend increasing housing supply while demand is at an all-time low is a good thing for the economy. It’s probably a good time to re-read Michael Lewis’ The Big Short. Not as a cautionary tale but as a how-to manual. I’ll short my way to a Caribbean-edition of Dyspathy. (Crains)

Things that should surprise no one
Who would’ve thought the scion of the Powerhouse Gym empire might turn out to be a violent psychopath. After all, that Powerhouse logo with that juiced guy lifting the giant barbell in no way reflects the kind of culture that condones ‘roid rage or unnecessarily violent machismo. It’s like those guys on Jersey Shore. They only get into fights because people keep hassling them. Same thing with Peter Dabish. He probably has a good explanation for (allegedly) torturing and killing his girlfriend. (DetNews)

Labor Day in D minor
The struggle of the proletariat continues, and this time the songs of the Red Book will be performed in full symphonic orchestration. Because the Detroit Symphony Orchestra is the new battleground in the epic fight to control the means of production. Once they get justice, the bosses will finally respect the working class. Or something. And Lansing anger bear Virg Bernero will make sure Rick “Michigan” Snyder doesn’t tuk ur jibs. By losing the gubernatorial election. Also Jesse Jackson showed up. Again. Doesn’t he have somewhere else he can go? Apparently not. Worst. Labor Day. Ever. (DetNews)

Rick Snyder: working class hero
When famous nerd Rick “Michigan” Snyder was busy reading Fortune Magazine at age eight, America’s future carpenters were probably doing something less nerd-like. Maybe playing baseball, climbing trees, or giving Rick Snyder a wedgie. Oh, but it was all in good fun and everything is forgiven now. They endorsed Snyder because even these humble carpenters (just like Jesus!) understand Snyder’s brilliant plan to save Michigan. Maybe they can explain it to those dullards in the legislature. (Freep)

Robert “Bob” Bobb gets a tardy
It’s the first day of school which sucks for everyone except stay-at-home parents. They get the next nine months to drink box wine and watching their stories all morning long. But the kids have to get to school on time. It doesn’t matter if the bus is late. Show up on time or get a tardy slip. Three tardies and it’s detention. Even if you’re the DPS Emergency Financial Manger. Robert Bobb missed homeroom and was late for math class because his bus was delayed. Not exactly off to a good start, Mr. Bobb. (Freep)

Things will get better once Granholm leaves office, says Jennifer Granholm
Michigan’s had its share of problems over the last ten years. The collapse of the housing market, a national economic crisis that brought the domestic auto industry to its knees, a nearly bankrupt state government, and a weak-willed governor unable and unwilling to deal with that bankrupt state government thing. Everything will be ok in a couple months because that last problem will go away in January. Michigan will turn around then. According to our weak-willed, soon-to-be-former governor. Who could use a job, if you know anyone that’s hiring. (MLive)

Rug-gate to topple Obama Administration
This west Michigan company made a new rug for the Oval Office with this quote from 19th Century progressive Theodore Parker stitched into it. But so-called President Barack HUSSEIN Obama often attributes the saying to Martin Luther King, Jr. because King sometimes quoted Parker. Excuse me while I crumple papers and dummy up some crocodile tears like a garden-variety ex-junkie…THIS IS THE CRIME OF THE CENTURY! And socialist. Why should Theodore Parker be forced to share his words with Martin Luther King just because of Obama? This isn’t America. I just want my country back. (MLive)

Rick Snyder outsources another job
Michigan has four gubernatorial campaigns worth of unemployed Republican flacks. Does famous nerd Rick “Michigan” Snyder hire any of them? Nope. He’s outsourcing work to Democrat Chris DeWitt, genius behind A Whole Lotta People Supporting John Cherry. This is what Lansing anger bear Virg Bernero warned us about. It starts with Michigan Democrats, next he’ll hire Ohio Republicans, and he eventually staffs his entire administration with Bharatiya Janata Party operatives. Jon Yob is reduced to consulting school board elections in the U.P. while Saul Anuzis becomes an x-ray tech. And no one will understand the guests on Off The Record. (Crains)

Rochelle Riley wants to outlaw already illegal behavior
It’s really horrible how those people stole that money from the Detroit Public Schools. There should be some kind of law to protect school children from this kind of graft and malfeasance. Kym Worthy will have to write these people stern letters asking them to never steal from DPS again because, without new laws, there’s just no way to prosecute these thieves. That explains why DPS was mired in a culture of corruption for so long. A lack of laws. Thanks, Rochelle! (Freep)

Charitable giving to make Sarah Palin, nation’s heroes cry
Everyone (by which we mean any gullible dumb slob watching Fox News) knows that Islamic charity efforts are really a secret plot by the Saudi royal family to force Debbie Schlussel to wear a burka. Which is not why America’s brave first responders risked their lives on 9/11. So why are these local Muslims doing charitable good works because of this “Ramadan?” What is their real agenda? Do they have a secret plot? Can we take that chance? Let’s ask Fox and Friends. (DetNews)

Nation’s Attorneys General do Metro Times a solid
America’s alternative weeklies rely on ad revenue from prostitution services to stay afloat. But this awful Craigslist came along and gave away hooker ads for free. Craigslist is to alternative papers as drunken sluts are to hookers. It’s an affront to the American system of free enterprise that the alternatives hold so dear. Thankfully, 17 of our nation’s bravest Attorneys General stepped up to defend the alternatives’ exclusive right to market “fully functional” TS escorts to traveling salesmen and dentists. Thus saving News Hits from extinction. It’s Detroit’s most precious journalistic jewel. (MLive)

No one dead at Arts, Beats, and Eats
It sure is a good thing everyone freaked out over guns at Arts, Beats, and Eats. The Royal Oak street festival wasn’t overrun by roving gangs of violent criminals for gun-toting vigilantes to protect us against. And no one’s holstered gun went off, accidently killing busloads of war orphans or nuns. Even though that’s as plausible as Skylab falling a Powerball winner. People just enjoyed the over-priced funnel cakes and free Macy Gray concert. That’s a lesson. Everyone who freaks out about guns, one way or the other, is an idiot. The end. (Freep)

Poor thing, she’s lost her mind.

By now you’ve heard about the theft of the mayoral vehicle’s wheels. No doubt taken by the same suburbian interests who stole Cobo Hall and DPS. Seriously what the hell people? Who steals Dave Bing’s rims? He seems like a factory-issue wheel kind of guy.

Whatever, we can never allow this to happen again. As Mayor Bing himself recently explained, it’s up to citizens to stop crime because God knows the DPD can’t. Dyspathy is here to help. This humble blog will draw a line in the sand, and say no more. To ensure Mayoral rims will never go gently into that good night (or the gray-market aftermarket supply chain, as it were) we searched The Amazon (Internet Wal-Mart) to create this handy wheel lock buying guide:

Gorilla Automotive 61631 Acorn Guard Locks - $18.41 (eligible for free shipping on orders of $25 or more)

The Gorilla 61631 locks are Amazon’s best-selling wheel locks. Based on 9 customer reviews, the 61631s have an average rating of 4 ½ stars. Out of a possible 5. Be warned: while these are solid wheel locks, Zackley616 “Byran” notes they “stick out about an inch further than the OEM locks which sat flush to the rim.” Still, he’s “very pleased” with his Gorilla 61631 wheel locks.

McGard 24193 Chrome Cone Seat Wheel Locks - $19.95 (eligible for free shipping on orders of $25 or more)

McGard makes a lot of wheel locks, so if the 24193 isn’t right for the Mayoral vehicle, they probably make something that’ll work. And, who wouldn’t want cone seating on their wheel locks? No idea what it means, but it sure sounds good. Only one customer reviewed these locks, but Vaughn Speavey of San Diego, CA says the 24193 is “a great product at a great price” He does warn against losing the key because replacements “can be expensive.” Good to know.

McGard 27178 Chrome/Black Bolt Style Cone Seat Wheel Locks - $38.99 (eligible for free shipping on orders of $25 or more)

Earlier we accused Mayor Bing of being a factory-issue wheel guy. When you assume you make an ass out of you and me. So if Bing prefers something a little more stylish, like those kick-ass black rims the kids are into, the McGard Black Bolt Style may be the best choice. Ricardo of New York City (no doubt a legitimate businessman in a legitimate business like trucking, sanitation, or concrete) paid “a measly $40” to buy 27178s for his son’s fancy BMW. Ricardo’s “seen several brands of wheel locks and these seem to be of a higher quality than most others.” There you go.

Free the DPS Four!
Noted neo-fascist despot Robert “Bob” Bobb and his jack-booted lackey Kym Worthy launched a full-scale assault upon the sacred right of local control of the Detroit Public Schools, and by extension, the entire diaspora of oppressed peoples. They unjustly indicted Gwendolyn Miller, Eugenia Rose Holimon, Eric Holimon, and Robert Gibson spent DPS money without submitting to bourgeois-capitalist-suburbian notions of “propriety.” Who are these reactionary outsiders to tell DPS workers (and their kids) how to spend the people’s money? If mistakes were made it’s because the system lacks the safe guards of true participatory democracy. Like a revolutionary vanguard Councils of Elder to oversee DPS spending in an anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-imperialist manner. </sheahowell>  (Freep)

This is where Frank Beckmann’s head explodes
The Great Voice of Great Lakes pollution will have a tough time explaining this to WJR’s target audience of aged ignorants. The wholesome, patriotic job creators at Enbridge Oil hired illegal immigrants to clean up the Enbridge oil spill. Illegal immigrants from Mexico who tuk r jibs and make you press “1” for English! They’re all jihadists too. Or they would be if they weren’t, you know, mostly Catholic. Hopefully we can get that fence built before more Mexicans are willing to clean up our waterways and forests for a modest wage. I just want my country back! (DetNews)

Incarcerated felon Kwame Kilpatrick is like an old-timey cleaning product
Bernard “The Killer” Kilpatrick finally showed up for his Tamara Greene deposition, and blah blah blah the whole thing is sealed so who cares. Afterwards, Bernard said his son is as strong as “20 Mule Team Borax.” For those of you not currently eligible for Social Security, 20 Mule Team Borax is an oddly-named cleaning product from olden times. Based on Bernard’s obscure (even for Dyspathy) reference, we can only assume he means there was a lot of blood that night. And Kwame did a good job cleaning the carpets. As though he were using miracle cleaning product 20 Mule Team Borax! (Freep)

Benny Hinn is probably still legal in Oakland County
Thanks to the brave efforts of fourth-place gubernatorial candidate “Sheriff” Mike Bouchard, Oakland County is finally safe from the scourge of medical marijuana. A judge ruled that the sick people arrested with medical marijuana can’t use the legal-in-Michigan substance while they’re out on bail. Noted stoner hippie radical Dave Gorcyca is defending these anti-social cancer and glaucoma patients. However, if you want to (in the words of Mencken) “climb upon a table and submit to a heroic pummeling by a retired piano-mover,” Oakland County has plenty of legal chiropractors. Or maybe you’d like some ill-trained “healer” to rinse your bowels with a fire hose. Colonics are also kosher in the OC. And let’s not even talk about homeopathy. (DetNews)

Detroit needs Antoine Dodson now
Can you imagine how really, really dumb the guy who tried to rape Antoine Dodson is feeling right about now? He doesn’t have to run because, really, where can he run to at this point? The whole world is looking for this piece of shit. And we’re gonna find him. You can count on that. Homeboy. Some brave local crime fighter is employing the Dodson Technique (which is the new broken window theory) to thwart the Cass Avenue Bike Thief. And Sterling Heights should take note. Hide your Schwinns, hide your Huffys, and even hide your tricycles because they be stealing everything. (Facebook, Macomb Daily)

Michigan employers have high standards
You people probably still think getting a job is easy. Scrape through high school or get your equivalency, and your old man can get you in at the plant. Look losers, it doesn’t work that way anymore. Because Asians with better math skills will do the same work as you for less money. And they won’t call in “sick” every time they have twelve beers while watching a hockey game on a Tuesday night. You’ll have to try a little harder to land that dream cubicle because there are 8.24 work-seeking Michiganders for every available job. You know how we get full employment? One hour work days. Eight people can fill one job. (MLive)

Thinning out the November ballot
Voting can be hard. All those candidates and proposals and little circles to fill in with a black marker. The good news here is your November ballot won’t be as hard as it could’ve been. Detroit voters won’t have to decide if possession of less than an ounce of marijuana should be legal. Statewide, we won’t have to consider the fake candidates from the fake Tea Party. Next they should replace all those words with pictures of the candidates. Then voting will be like ordering dinner at Applebees. (Freep, DetNews)

Southwest Warren to finally get representation
Rochelle Riley will be excited to learn Warren voters might shrink the City Council in Macomb County’s coolest city from nine to seven members, while electing five of them in districts. That way everyone will in Warren will get their own representative. Hopefully someone will draw an imaginary map dividing up Warren’s precious jewel equally among the districts. Then people will talk about it in churches, on the radio, at birthday parties, and other places no one is plausibly discussing a third-rate newspaper column. (Freep)

Native Americans used every part of the drifter
Human limbs were found near Eastern Market yesterday. Typical Western decadence. When Native Americans (or First Nations Peoples in Canada) killed a drifter (no really, they had drifters with names like Smells Like Wolf Dung) they would use every part. Today non-natives kill for the meaty torso and discard the limbs. How sad. Native Americans understood the limb meat could be rendered down into a stew, and the bones could be fashioned into tools. This wastefulness will be our undoing. America, we can’t keep discarding human limbs on the side of the road like so many bags of fast food. Keep America Beautiful. (DetNews)

John Cherry is your new David Icke
John Cherry knows, man! He knows! And since he isn’t running for governor he’s free to tell the truth about the global conspiracy. He knows about the black helicopters. Sent by the UN on reconnaissance missions so the Bilderberg Group properly deploy the Russian tanks currently housed at Fort Grayling. To take our gold and guns and give it to Lizard People! But pay no attention to Cherry’s Facebook misdirection about Homeland Security exercises. He’s just saying that to trick the Trilaterialists. We got your real message loud and clear, Mr. Lt. Governor. We’ll await further instruction. Either from you, or Alex Jones. (Facebook)

I don’t want to rush the Big Guy, but it’s been 20 hours since Detroiters (including state Representative David Nathan) gathered at Campus Martius to pray the recession away. I figure if He can create the heavens and the earth and all the rest in six days, it shouldn’t take Him but a few hours to create a financial breakthrough. So did the praying work or what?

Socialist federal government hurts Frank Beckmann’s feelings
The Great Voice of Great Lakes Pollution, Frank Beckmann, will not like reading about this. Assuming he possesses the cognitive capacity to read. The government won’t let the God-fearing, patriotic job creators at Enbridge Oil re-open their beloved oil pipeline. Even though said pipeline generously donated oil to the rivers and streams that feed our Great Lakes. Why do radical environmentalists, i.e. Republican Congressman Fred Upton, keep hassling this wonderful company? Thank the Christ Jesus brave media personalities like Frank Beckmann defend the little guy. Which is corporate America. (Michigan Messenger)

Do we need a Jesse Jackson-Detroit drinking game?
The formerly relevant Jackson is spending a lot of time in Detroit. Move over Time Magazine, Jesse Jackson is your new Assignment Detroit! Rule #1: Whenever Jesse Jackson refers to Detroit as the economic crisis “ground zero,”, drink. Rule #1a: If one of his Dominionist friends, say the right Reverend Charles Ellis (praised be His name), opposes building a mosque on the ground zero of the economic crisis, drink while eating a Slow’s Triple Threat Pork sandwich. On a Sunday. With a gay friend. Add your own Jesse Jackson drinking game rules as you see fit. (DetNews)

Rochelle Riley has this amazing idea no one ever thought of before
You’ve probably never heard this before, but historically most Detroit City Councilmembers live in northwest Detroit. Who would have figured that people with middle-class incomes would live in the city’s middle-class neighborhoods? Crazy. Still, someone should do something about that. If only there was some way to, I don’t know, create a more proportional system of electing Council? Maybe some kind of Council By…let me finish…Districts? Oh wait, that passed last year. By a 3-to-1 margin. When Rochelle Riley didn’t think it was a good idea. (Freep)

Dumbing down “mastermind”
Criminal supergenius Loren Wheeler devised a clever plot to kill his ex-wife. Except he was caught. And pled no contest. Then he said (in Monica Conyers-esque fashion) he didn’t understand the plea bargain he agreed to. So Wheeler is hoping for a do-over. A regular Bond villain, this one. The Bay City Times calls Wheeler a “mastermind.” Excuse me if this sounds like a Sports Reporters-Lupica-Albom-Chicken-Little rant, but what happened to standards in this country? When did every jilted loser with homicidal intentions become a criminal mastermind? Have some standards, people. (MLive)

Mitch Albom is very concerned about Antonio Cromartie’s children
Cromartie has eight kids by six women, and one time he had trouble naming all of them. Mitch does not care for this situation. Because of morals Mitch learned from Morrie. Then again, unlike most serial procreators, Cromartie can afford his flock. It’s not like he’s a 17-year-old high school dropout with no marketable skills. How would that person get by as an unwed parent? Other than going on Dancing With The Stars. Mitch won’t write a Bristol Palin column for a few more years. Because, seriously, the rest of the world stopped caring about over-breeding professional athletes around 1998. (Freep)