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The Penis Enlargement Blues

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve received a lot of emails over the course of my life telling me I need to increase the size of my penis. Usually I mark them as spam, and then sit and admire my yogurt slinger. Every once in a while there comes a message that speaks directly to me, and convinces me that I need to increase the size of Stretchy and the Twins. My third arm of justice.

That is to say my Candy cane, Captain Winky, Cattle prod, Cack, Cervix crusader, Cheese staff, Cherry picker, Chick sticker, Chicksicle, Chief of staff, Chorizo, Chowder dumper, Chubby, Clam digger, Clit tickler, Cock-a-saurus Rex, Colon cowboy, Coral branch, Corndog, Crack slapper, Cramstick, Crank shaft, Cream-filled meatsicle, Creamsicle, Crimson Darth Vader, Crotch cobra, Custard cannon, Cycloptic milk spitter, Dangling participle, Diamond cutter, Dickimus Maximus, Dickory dock, dilly-ho-ho, Ding-a-ling, Ding-dong, Dingaroo, Dingle dangle, Dingus, Dinky, Dipstick, Divining rod, Dong-bong, Doodle dandy, Doppelganger, Doughnut holder, Dribbling dragon, Dr. Cyclops, Elephant trunk, Elmers glue shooter, Everlasting gob-dropper, Excreting eel, Executive staff member…

You get the picture. Without further ado, the message that is sure to launch a thousand damaged penis lawsuits:

The occupants come out from the other boxes into virgin’s
feet were poised on clouds, and beneath the thirsty animals,
when released, would rush know my nerves can’t stand much
of a shock. I he was in the firmament, and with the other
he.

Create Your Own Personalized Arby’s Jr.

I’ll take a Reubens sandwich, hold the pickle.

This never fails to make me laugh; it’s one of the funniest jokes in history. Nobody tells it anymore, because nobody gets it anymore. It belonged to a specific time and place, long gone. It’s reminiscent of Kurt Vonnegut’s favourite joke, which he told often in his books, and claimed it was the funniest joke he knew. “I had a dream I was eating flannel cakes, and when I awoke the blanket was gone.” I never found it funny, or at least as funny as he seemed to. Then again he also claimed a ‘twerp’ is a person who inserts a set of false teeth in his or her ass in order to bite the buttons off back seats of taxi cabs. Back to the joke, you probably won’t get this joke either. This is sad for me, as it reflects on my growing irrelevance in the world. Sad, but I can still laugh at this joke which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I’ll give you a hint:


http://www.arbys.com/juniorizeme/

Which brings me to Arby’s new juniorize me widget. This widget allows you to upload a picture of yourself and morph into a retro-cool Arby’s Jr. Character. Type in some text of your own choosing, and create a custom animation that looks like you which can actually speak! Whooeee. If you are really hip, you can even record your own voice instead of the computer generated O.K. Computer sounding one . I’ve created my own unique custom animation here utilizing my friend PW, and the funniest joke in the world that nobody laughs at. Please try to ignore the spoken backslashes:

http://www.arbys.com/juniorizeme/?mId=36639134.3

It reminded me of what I had for lunch that day. I heated up a can of soup, it was a little salty. The whole episode left me feeling unsatisfied. What you’ve eaten for lunch is important to other people. Have you ever gone out for dinner and not thoroughly enjoyed your meal? Had some fast food that wasn’t all that great? Maybe even had a cup of lukewarm coffee? People want to know. Dammit, THEY DESERVE TO KNOW!

These things are important, so if you’re running low on inspiration just remember you’ve got a wealth of incredible interesting stories at your fingertips, and an insatiable audience hanging on your every word. You are the news thats fit to print.

This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of Hampton Hotels. All opinions are 100% mine.

If you’ve ever entered a contest it’s most likely been for a free bottle of seltzer, or laces for your boring sneakers. If you know anything about contests, if you know anything about hotels, if you know anything about chains, armour, adolescent nights consisting of renting a hotel room with your buddies with a fake ID just so you have a place to drink, or even Chihuahuas as fashion accessories, this is the contest for you.

The Hampton Hotels Chain of friends contest grand prize consists of an entire hotel for you and 100 of your closest friends for an entire weekend, plus $5,000! Just think of what you could do with a prize like this! You could have a seriously good time; pretend you’ve just been sent to Las Vegas to cover a motorcycle race with your attorney. You could eat sheets of blotter acid and sit in the bathtub with a giant hunting knife! You could relive the glory days of the Who by driving cars into the swimming pool, have orgies in hot tubs full of baked beans like Led Zeppelin, or if you’re lucky hang a fishing pole out of your room and catch a mudshark!

This sweepstake is open to everyone, so let your inhibitions down and invite all of your friends on myspace and facebook. You could storm the ice machines dressed like wiener dogs without disturbing anyone. You don’t need to be a Hilton Honors member, or even to have previously stayed at a Hampton Hotel.

I’m assuming the chains will be supplied with your room, you don’t want anybody sneaking off on your big night. Or perhaps they’re whoopin’ chains. Whatever floats your boat. I’d like to sit in a heart shaped hot tub with towels folded to look like swans, while 100 of my closest friends tossed single links of the grand prize chain into the water I was soaking in. Rusted, busted and encrusted. Talk about good times. I’d also invite the Queen of England to stop by for a cup of tea. That’s always a very civilized thing to do. If I became friends with her on facebook, do you think she’d come?

What would you do if you won this great grand prize? The best comment will be supplied two years worth of microscopic dog biscuits suitable for the next fashion canine accessory, earring sized schnauzers.

Good luck everyone!

BFF is a new word that’s been tossed around a lot recently, and by new word and recently I mean it’s pretty old. As a relatively un-hip cat, I’ve gone through life with no idea what this strange acronym means. I know Paris Hilton has a reality show called My New BFF, unfortunately I’ve never seen it. This has left an empty hole where my heart should be. Sometimes this hole sucks in darkness and spits out light.

As time passed I grew increasingly irrational trying to decipher reason from this damnable triumvirate. Night after night, panic stricken, I hid beneath the covers silently screaming, “What could it mean?!?” My mind raced endless circuits inside my head, whirling maniacally like a soggy marble. Boy Fu-Friend? Buy French Fries? Nothing made sense. My world had been turned upside down and yanked backwards through time and space.

Out of desperation I began hanging around outside of McDonald’s, hoping to find a wise face. I was met with the pitying eyes of a plastic clown. I sat for hours at Dunkin’ Donuts and tried to catch the attention of knowledgeable coffee drinkers. When I finally did, I became so excited that my words became entangled. Instead of asking, “Pardon me friend, but could you possible tell me what BFF stands for?” like I had rehearsed, I accidentally blurted out a stream of profanity laced gibberish while simulating sex with a donut.
Finally, after months of sleepless nights it occurred to me: I’ll look on the internet! Eureka! I dashed to the computer and feverishly consulted google. I typed in “B” and waited. Nothing! I tried again, this time with the letter “F” Damn! Still Nothing! I tried the third “F” with the same sickening result.
Growing despondent I was on the verge of giving up when I had a brainstorm, ‘Why not try and type in all three letters together?’ It was a longshot, but having nowhere else to turn I gave it one final try. I held my breath, closed one eye, and with my typing finger I cautiously tapped in the letters B…F…F. In the blink of an eye, I had my answer. Best…Friends…Forever. Needless to say, very disappointing.

Put yourself in a World Cup video

If you know me at all, you know I’m very passionate when it comes to sports. On more than one occasion I’ve driven friends to various sporting events; bowling, darts, hopscotch, and even soccer, when I invariably hear somebody in the car scream at me, “Hey man, yer passing it!” It makes me feel quite robust knowing that my intense feelings for all things manly are worn upon my shoulder, with pride, for the entire world to see. Because of my machismo I’m rarely called a wuss anymore. When I am, its usually because I’m either crying or watching Sex in the City.
Obviously, my favourite team is the Maldives National Football Team. There is no greater feeling than watching these football masters battle it out on the field with their peers. Go Maldives! Take the Cup!

The only thing cooler than the Maldives football team, is this custom world cup soccer video maker. You can upload your own face and suddenly be playing in the world cup! What I love most about this is how it makes it look as though Leatherface has sliced off your face and sewn it onto different people. Buffalo Bill, eat your heart out. There’s even a great segment which shows how your rotting face would look with insects crawling all over it. It really makes me wanna kick some balls!

If you can’t believe it, check out how cool Pee Wee Herman looks in this video!

Pee Wee Herman, Maldives Football Team.

Leave a link to your video and tell me why Maldives have the coolest Football team in the world.

Hey Bloggers, if you’re stuck for some good material here’s another tip, Boring is the new interesting! Let yourself write about anything that’s happened in your life, no matter how mundane it might seem to you. People will love it!

Have you had a bad day?

Have you had a bad day? Was some lady walking slight slower than you would normally walk, causing you a mild inconvenience? Did some guy you encountered on a forum have poor netiquette? Tell somebody about it, people not only want to know, they deserve to be informed of these events. Are you feeling down, uninspired, bored? It’s news to us.

Believe it or not, billions of people lead interesting and fulfilling lives. When they get home there’s nothing else they’d rather do than sit in front of a computer and find something boring to read.

Don’t stop there!

Take it a step further. Find lyrics to some lame song you like, and then simply copy and paste!
Do you want to write a movie review, but can’t be bothered? It’s simple! Merely search on google for a movie you’d like to review, find a review somebody else has already written that you think you might agree with (if you read it), and copy and paste it into your blog with the preface, “I agree with what this person wrote.”
This is writing 2.0 – writing without the hassle of writing.

Be sure to tune in next week when we’ll be discussing an even more advanced blogging topic, how to write a movie review that takes longer to read than actually watching the movie.

Ken Block Gear

I’m sure that most of you have heard about Ken Block teaming up with DC Shoes and Ford Gear. When I first heard this I couldn’t believe how incredible my life had become. If I you’ll allow me to take you back a few years, you will understand why this seeminly trivial occurance is so important to me, a guy whose incredible charm, stunning good looks and incredible physique have kept him uneployed and single for the majority of his life.

I’d had the idea for Direct Current shoes six years ago. When I was pitching my idea to various manufacturers, DC was obviously the first. Initially my vision was for a pair of shoes which could be used to recharge batteries. From there the design of D.C. shoes took on a life of their own, and before I knew it I had a pair of shoes that could not only magnetize themselves and allow me to walk up metal walls, it could also knock you across the room. All of these effects were triggered by a series of delicate tap dance moves.

Soon afterwards I was invited to demonstrate my new invention to the crumb bums at DC shoes. I wore my protoype to the meeting in order to make a stunning entrance, walking in the room upside down on the ceileing. Unfortunately for me, there weren’t any solid metal walls or ceilings anywhere in the building. Nevertheless, I stalked confidently into the room when the called me. The next unfortunate event occured as I walked into the room. ‘Hello Dolly’ by Louis Armstrong came over the muzak, and I was unable to stop myself from breaking into a quick soft shoe routine during the horn solo. This triggered a strange reaction from my DC Shoes, and suddenly three people lay dead at my feet. Literally.

Anyway, check out this killer video of Ken Block doing shoe stuff, and leave a comment saying what your favorite Monster World Rally piece of clothing is!

Anywhoo, Ken Block is a really renowned rally racer. He’s raced the pants off lesser men not only in the X games, but around the world. Many people don’t know Ken Block co-founded DC shoes. These people are fools. DC shoes are good for skateboarders who like to skate the pants off their competition. Aside from separating people from their pants, DC shoes and Rallysport have been very kind to the young gajillionaire. Surprisingly, his success has not caused him to turn his back on friends and family.According to sources he has adopted the nasty habit of referring to friends and foe ‘Old chap’ ala The Great Gatsby.

It’s Ken’s goal to grow the Monster World Rally Team best known rally team in the universe, and this young man can only reach his goal with your help. Please call 1-800-MON-STERS or go buy some DC shoes. Give until your heart hurts. Give until you can’t give anymore. When monster world rally reaches it’s zenith there will be free Mountain Dew for all of us.

Christians across America have been under siege since Britney Spears new song was released. “If you go to church, you’d better watch out!” Susie McBread, chairperson of the Parents Television Council warns, “That song is like getting fucked in the ass by Satan!”

The catchy little ditty has been causing chaos amongst God-fearing citizens not only in the Promised Land of America, but around the globe. In Rome, an eleven year old girl suddenly began spurting blood from her ears when the song was heard from a passing car. More recently it was reported that five grade eight children exploded after they downloaded the song from an illegal website named Itunes.

The song in question is Spears new single, “If U Seek Amy.” According to PTC president Tim Winter, “There is no misinterpreting the lyrics to this song, and it’s certainly not about a girl named Amy.” An enraged Winter claims that if you say the title of the song fast enough, it sounds like the F-Word. “Kids turn on the radio to hear happy songs about love and shit, not hear a bunch of fucking stupid bullshit for fuck’s sake! This song sounds like the fucking F-word, and that’s so much fucking bullshit that I fucking hate it and I hate that fucking bitch for making such a fucking fucker song! FUCK!”