I mentioned on Facebook that it was a big week for several reasons. Let me preface that the last year and a half has been very much about healing, finding myself and creating a new reality. So I have been quiet.  Laying fairly low and after having been very active with my photography for many years and slowing it down purposefully has been a really nice break.  I have been working on a few things and have been on the edge of “busting out” with something.  Things are still marinating. It’s taking a little bit longer than I anticipated but when it happens it will be right and it will be great.

Why is this such a big week?  Well, on April 10, 2012 a dear friend of mine insisted she take me to the emergency room after at least 12 hours of my being in pain.   So grateful for that girl. Looking back I should have gone in earlier than I did but it usually went away on it’s own after an hour or two. I thought I was out of the woods.  I was 2 months out of a toxic relationship.  4 months into my holistic health education and about 6 months into a serious dietary change. I  was doing really well. I had lost weight.  I was happy and feeling good and BAM…  ended up here…..toasted on morphine… with a sweet hospital bill to boot.

Well… I am here to say… I have been PAIN FREE for ONE YEAR.  Hot damn.  Traditional doctors tried to put me on medication and I said no thanks, let me try this on my own first.  So the research continued. Modifications ensued.  I  literally healed myself by eliminating things that were not serving me. I have to admit that I also did a series of 10 full body treatments with Jodi at  Living water Rejuvintaion Center in Escondido. Lymphatic massage, foot detox and colonics.  I am CONVINCED that this played a major roll in my healing process.

The next day after this super attractive photo was taken of me was taken in the hospital at 3am…. I met Andrew and my life really started to change and it just keeps getting better.  I still have a lot of work to do on myself but I am here to say if you are in a “spot”  no matter what that spot is…whether it’s a skin condition, women’s issues, migraines,  a bad relationship, you can change things, reverse things and take control of what your body and mind take on.  You really are what you absorb. We have a great deal of control when it comes to the food, thoughts, verbal tones, stress and energy we allow in our lives. Make changes!  I am hoping to be able to help more people here in the near future with that.   If you asked me a year ago where I thought I would be I can’t say that I would have been able to tell you. Sometimes you just can’t see past the end of your nose and working with the health coach that was appointed to me through my holistic health program I probably would not have been as successful.  Accountability and an additional like minded brain that isn’t all up in your daily life is essential.

This year is really going to be about getting some more weight off me bones. It’s been a by product of a lifestyle change but it’s plateaued so it’s time to get more focused.

I’m working on a few things that I hope to share with you very soon that I think you will want to be a part of.  I am about half way through at yoga teacher training certification program that I love and have finally started working regular and intense cardio and strength training into the mix. Ya know because there is talk of babies.  Wait. Did I say that out loud?

This is the most recent photo I have of us together.  Shot in March a few days before my birthday.  I am so grateful to have this man in my life. Happy one year to us.

xxoo,

amy

Breathe deep and let go of the things that don’t serve you in positive ways. Exciting things are in the works. For everyone.

xo, amy

Before I get Angie on the mic, I just want to say…this adventure is a long time coming. I don’t recall how she and I met but over the the past few years the universe has pulled us together for brainstorm sessions on photography and life in general. So many ideas. So little time. Here we are joining forces on something that has nothing to do with photography. It’s funny. and perfect.

Angie guest blogged on my photography site about wardrobe color palettes a few years ago. It really is a timeless post on what to wear for your family photo session you can read HERE. She is the Author of FLY, a photography mentoring guide, the original creator of the Creative Mama and she is also a very busy mama of three.  I am thrilled to have her as a client and contributing author here on eat-swell.

What I love about  Angie:  The girl has some serious heart. She’s a gifted story teller, sensitive yet bold and determined and like many of us she finds herself totally overwhelmed with the amount of information being thrown around about “what to eat.”

Angie is participating in my 6 month program REprogram and she will be sharing her journey with us regularly.  Super excited.  There is also a group program in the works so please stay tuned for that.

Get set. Go,

Amy

My love affair with dieting began after high school when a friend and her parents were doing Weight Watchers. I gave it a try, or two or three. I didn’t need it but told myself I did.

After my first son was born in 2004 (and I gained a good 50 lbs) I decided it was time. He was 16 months old when I began. Three months later I was 30 lbs lighter and a skeletal 118 lbs. I felt like I was on top of the world. I was sexy and tiny and floated around the house in my little shorts and tanks.

I would keep this weight off for a few years until I got pregnant with my second son. At the end of nine months I had gained 80 lbs. EIGHTY. I hit the scale at 200 and after his birth gave Weight Watchers a few more tries. Juicing happened for a day, followed by another Weight Watchers attempt, then some binging and of course more tries at counting my points. A lot of that weight fell off and I was feeling really, much better. I was going to the gym and had a good system down though I failed to keep Weight Watchers “working” like it did before.

Along with the arrival of my second child was a horrendous bout of PPD and anxiety. I was on one medication after another until I found something that worked. What my doctor failed to mention however was the weight gain that came along with it. 30 lbs later I was inching higher and higher. Depressed and anxious and frustrated and feeling like crap I decided I would try juicing again, then Weight Watchers, dabbled in GF eating and finally the 17 Day Diet. My mom and friend had success, so I could too, right?

Then out of nowhere, I found out I was pregnant. Again. I was 162 and at only 5’2 any extra weight shows, this was not good. I had never gotten pregnant at this weight. I was now dealing with perinatal PPD, horrendous morning sickness, extra weight and anxiety over our life situation (no job, lost our home, lost our car, etc).

The pregnancy with my daughter would see me gaining 60 lbs more. SIXTY. She was born and I fell deeper into depression and anxiety. I hated my body, was constantly stressed out and emotionally eating. 2012 would see me starting and stopping about 10 different diets at least a few times each.

Weight Watchers
Calorie Counting
Juicing
Smoothies
HCG
17 Day Diet
GF
Sugar Free
Diet pills

… just to name a few.

I would see something someone else was doing and knew if I could only do that I could be tiny again. Yet, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to break my Starbucks habit, or my new love for Italian beer, or bread or sugar or anything that tasted and made me FEEL good. FEELING good made me happy, until I looked in the mirror and could no longer recognize who I saw. I was living in my stretchy maternity pants and long and lean tanks.

I’ve had a mental block with Weight Watchers for a few years now. Not sure why I could do it SO successfully before but not now? It’s as simple as counting and tracking points, right? But something hasn’t felt right about it. The more I learned about food and how it correlates with our mental and emotional health, the more research I did on preservatives and sugars and genetically modified foods and the like, the more I realized Weight Watchers is simply one of the worst ways to lose weight and gain health. Like, ever.

The good fats out there? Way too many points. Instead I chose SF jello with light whipped topping. Maybe a frozen Smart Ones meal. Perhaps I’d just drink Diet Pepsi when I’m hungry. That’s 0 points right? I was literally a walking disaster. Alas I had nothing to really back me up. Most people I know are for Weight Watchers and find reasons to argue against my thought process.

Sure I could lose some weight with it, but at what cost? I got good at manipulating my daily and weekly points so that I could still have that venti iced latte or pizza or beer or candy at the end
of the day.

Now what?

-Angie

Transition is an interesting place to be. It makes my heart pound just thinking about the fear associated with the unknown.  I am sure you know what it’s like to hold on to something for dear life long after it’s expiration, long after it proves to be a positive force in your life.  Your job, bad habits, unhealthy relationship…. Growth is difficult. Growth is painful. Growth is awesome and if you are lucky it never stops coming at you.

I was exposed to this little parable by Danann Perry and thought it was worth a share as I am sure so many of you can relate.

Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I’m hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.

Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I’m in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I’m merrily (or not so merrily) swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It’s empty, and I know, in that place that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness going to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well known bar to move to the new one.

Each time it happens to me, I hope (no, I pray) that I won’t have to grab the new one. But in my knowing place I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moment in time hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar. Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn’t matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on the unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of “the past is gone, the future is not yet here.” It’s called transition. I have come to believe that it is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.

I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a “no-thing”, a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that’s real too. But the void in between? That’s just a scary, confusing, disorienting “nowhere” that must be gotten through as fast as unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid, where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.

And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to “hang- out” in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening.Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.

Changing what fuels our physical or emotional selves, wether it be it dietary  and/or lifestyle in nature, is no easy task.  It is in our nature to fall back into old habits whether it is too much time on the computer, fast food, gravitating back toward an unhealthy relationship, smoking, partying, eating what you know you shouldn’t, over analyzing, too much TV, going for that soda, negative thoughts, caffeine, sugar, gossiping, withholding affection, spending money, not being as present for your kids as you would like, overeating, under-eating, obsessing, avoiding, pointing fingers,  and a myriad of other things that we do to unintentionally harm ourselves and the ones we love.

We all rock back into that comfortable space every now and again knowing that it is that part of us that is broken and each time deep down we know that there are bigger, better, healthier, happier things to be had. By revisiting we are also letting go. What an amazing thing to realize and how comforting to fall back on knowing that these setbacks are only temporary and the pain that we sometimes feel is actually healing.

Only we have control over what we do, what we say, how we react, what we put into our mouths and ultimately how we decide to feel toward any given thing.  However, we are only human and it never fails that every once in a while we will find ourselves in that place where our cover has been blown.  It does not mean we are taken back to the start. Don’t let one set back ruin the rest of the day. Get back on track and keep going down the path that you know know your heart is meant to travel.

The most important thing is that we treat ourselves kindly, cut ourselves and the ones we love some slack. The very best we can do for ourselves is to hug whatever it is that we are struggling with tight, love it,  let it go, and step back into the present.  Releasing it a little more each and every time. We will soon recognize  that the things that are bad for us no longer feel as comforting or produce the outcome we genuinely desire. Nor do they fulfill our needs to be everything we are meant to be.  Only then will we begin to form new relationships with food, emotions, ourselves and others. The present will become brighter than anything that held you back in the past and eventually the present  is where you will choose to reside.

Please feel free to share your experiences of some of the things that you find yourself reverting back to? Is the time between setbacks becoming farther and farther apart? Less intense?  I would love to hear your thoughts.

much love,

amy b.

Like many of you, I have a very smart man on my hands.  Mine is a total history buff, science geek, math and finance wizard. He can fix and build just about anything and he is a great photographer. He has multiple degreed black belts in a couple different kinds of martial arts, volunteers time teaching kids, long distance runner and veteran of the Iraq war. He’s pretty fancy. He has like, a thousand college degrees. Smart right?!  He has the athletic discipline part down so with all that you would think he would be the cleanest eater on the planet. A “your body is a temple” kind of guy…. not so much.

I can only imagine that there are many other women in this same position.  He is SO smart…How can this be?  Or maybe it’s you reading this…. I am so smart why do I make the food choices I do? Habits.

I’ll tell ya, it could be worse and this is in no way to sound like a male bashing throw down. If he is stubborn about anything it is this and there is nothing quite like the impressive display of banging of heads, arm twisting and negotiating that takes place in the isles of the grocery store.  Thankfully we laugh about it. It’s kind of comical really and I know that I can not force feed anyone anything.  I mean hey…what child of the 80′s doesn’t like crunch berries, top ramen and nutty bars.  Ahhhh…crunch berries.  We certainly don’t fight about it and I never am genuinely angry about his food choices. I just know that eventually it is going to catch up with him….much to his disbelief.

I do love that he totally eats whatever I make and loves it 99.9% of the time.  Smoothies, juice, vegan, gluten free and all that jazz without a fight and claims it’s deliciousness regularly. Like I said…it could be worse.

He even went so far as to say I got the spoons mixed up. That it was fixed.  Ha! Hahhaaaahhaa!!!  I had my suspicions it was psychological ….ahhhhh sweet victory.

Do more. Say less.

Make changes one meal at a time.  Silently. Think 80% natural home cooked whole foods and 20% or less of those comfort foods that sometimes just make you happy. I am not interested in being a food natzi.  I like crunch berries every once in a while.  Just not everyday. It’s all about balance and we all know quitting anything cold turkey and restricting things to the full extent of the law is to our own detriment.

Here are a few small things I suggest to ease your household in the right direction:

Learn to make your own salad dressing, BBQ sauce and marinades: It always tastes better than anything you can get premade in a jar and you can regulate how much sugar goes in if any at all.

Read labels: Start noticing what is in your food.  How much sugar is in it? Is there anything you can’t pronounce?  Preservatives? Additives?

Cook in bulk.  At the beginning of the week make a big batch of brown rice and store it in the fridge.  You can use it for all kinds of things throughout the week.  Add it to burritos, stir fry, soup, as a side dish with veggies, fried rice, ore make veggie sushi rolls. It’s a handy gluten free whole food that totally satisfies. You can do this with just about anything.  Chicken…Lentils…pasta…  Whatever it is just make sure it’s something you will use so it doesn’t go to waste.

Buy in bulk: Not only from the bulk bins but if things that you buy often go on sale stock up.  Olive oil on sale $4 bucks off.  Buy several.   Raw almonds on sale…get in there!  I only buy coconut water, nutrition bars and gluten free pastas when they are on sale. Otherwise it gets crazy expensive.

Buy a juicer.  This I think is such a necessity. There is no pick me up as great as a fresh juice and my favorite way to do breakfast.  I don’t care what anyone says about time.  I can wash and cut fruit, bust out 16+ ounces of juice, and have the machine cleaned in 5-7 minutes flat…if that.  I rock the hamilton beach big mouth juicer.  It’s not the cream of the crop but I am getting a lot of juice out of it.  It’s a great intro juicer for a $60 price tag.

Sublingual B12:  B12 is a super vitamin.  It calms your nervous system, lifts spirits, fights depression naturally, promotes focus and energy.  It’s pretty amazeballs.

Try new things:  There are so many great blogs with easy to prepare meals. Never had quinoa? Try it!  It’s very versatile.  There is no reason why people should feel cornered into eating salad all the time in order to be healthy.

Until next time….

Amy

The greatest gift you can give someone is your own personal development.

I’ll take care of me for you, if you take care of you for me. 

-jim rohn