"EDDigest" via Rachel in Google Reader

America the Beautiful revisited

2008-07-25T00:03:02-05:00

Since my last post talked about a new documentary being filmed on eating disorders and self mutilation, I thought I'd briefly mention again America the Beautiful. I wrote about this film back in April here.

The film has already been shown in Chicago with good response as well as the Minneapolis "Emily Program," a comprehensive treatment program for eating disorders. It will be making its

The real problem

2008-07-24T22:25:48-05:00

My real problem was never with food.

Yet I had an eating disorder.

I thought that I had a problem with control. Feeling I couldn't control anything else, I decided to control what I ate. I needed to learn how to fix my control issues, and then the food part would sort itself out. Except I was controlling my fears about food, and not the food itself. I needed to lose the fear, not the control.

Well, okay, I do have some control issues.

The real problem, I was also told, was with my mom (we were too close) or my dad (too distant) or society (diet like a woman so you can look like a boy). Because an eating disorder is not about food. Right?

Part of this is true: I had a problem with anxiety and depression years before anorexia even darkened my door. For me, anyway, the anorexia was OCD about food made manifest in the most hideous of ways. It was also an attempt to flee the anxiety and depression. Restricting and over-exercising were a way to self-medicate, to try and make these horrid feelings go away. Didn't work in the end, of course, but the initial promise was fantastic.

But, as Laura so wisely said once, it wasn't food that was my problem. Avoiding food (not eating enough calories, enough variety, and with enough regularity) was my real problem. Stopping the food avoidance was a bit part in "fixing" my "problem."

I don't know if I can say the problem is "fixed." I don't know if you can fix an eating disorder. But I do know the real problem.

fat/anxious

2008-07-24T18:51:07-05:00

Eesh. We leave tomorrow after work and I won't get back till late Saturday, so you won't be hearin' from me in a few days. I'm starting to get nervous now that I'm packing and stuff, mostly just about the food (I'm riding the van tomorrow so I get to exercise -- yay!). Like, I'm not bringing the bread or cocoa or yogurt for night, so it's like oh-em-gee... I am, out of habit I guess, packing food like I'm not gonna have any other meals. I just have to remind myself that okay, other people do get hungry too, so if I'm hungry, I'll find somewhere and something to eat. And it's not a bad thing if I get hungry. It's bad if I restrict or if I pull away from everyone so I can eat. Oy. It's gonna be so hard. Like I said, this will be the first night I'm away from...everything comfortable...in about two years. The ana's kickin' my ass right now, y'all.

Oh, and yeah, I'm gaining weight like freaking crazy. Which makes this weekend a zillion times as hard. Ughhh...words can't even express how fat I feel right now... More so than when I was way underweight and stuff, cause then I still knew at least a little bit that I was way too skinny, but now I'm a normal weight (though I'm still slim) so I don't have that leverage...ughhh...ickyyy...

xoxo
Tori

OT: Bat mitzvah follow-up

2008-07-24T17:35:43-05:00

I couldn't resist linking to this delightful blog, written and illustrated by a woman who attended my younger daughter's bat mitzvah a few weeks ago as a visitor to our community.

It's an unexpected perspective on not only my daughter's bat mitzvah but on being Jewish in America. And it's so much fun to read and look at. Enjoy!

Beautification

2008-07-24T15:53:00-05:00

Today was what my husband calls a "day of beautification". I took my mom to our local beauty school, and I got my haircut, and we both got spa pedicures,and parafin wax treatments for our hands. It was my moms first time ever having a pedicure, and I think that she enjoyed it. We sat in the massage chairs, and we got to keep the nail polish that we picked out for our toes. It was a fun day, and now we are feeling fabulously beautiful!

The Inheritance

2008-07-24T11:38:21-05:00

Weighing The Fear

2008-07-24T05:33:00-05:00

Yesterday I saw my therapist and nutritionist. It was a great therapy session, filled with laughter and joking around. Fun, but still productive. As I was leaving the office building, there are four steps you have to walk down, and I literally skipped down them, filled with energy. There have been many times when just getting down those steps would have been a struggle, and in my mind, I took note of that.
My nutrition appointment wasn't so fun though, and as I sat in the waiting room, my anxiety and fear over weight quickly turned to tears. I know that I've gained...it isn't that, and it isn't even how much I weigh, because I have no idea. I always get weighed backward. The fear is that I won't be able to stop gaining and it will get out of control. When my nutritionist came out to get me, I was already in tears. She gave me a cup of water and we walked back to her office. She asked why I was crying...I said that I didn't know. She asked if I was mourning the loss of something...I said that I didn't know. All I know is that I'm afraid. She weighed me, told me that I had gained some, and that I was now in a normal weight range. I sat down on her couch and sobbed for ten minutes. She told me to keep a food diary for the next week, and then if she needed to, she would make me a maintenance meal plan. That made me feel better. I just don't want to gain anymore. I still cried all the way home, and then fell into an exhausted sleep when I arrived. I know that it is hard for my family to understand. They have seen me so happy and filled with energy for the past few weeks, so why would a few pounds send me over the edge. I wish that it didn't, but it is hard to let go of those old fears. I'm going to try really hard not to restrict though, because that is what Claudia would like for me to do.
Today my mom and I are going to get pedicures, and I'm going to try to enjoy my day, and work on feeding myself positive messages.

Emotional

2008-07-24T10:31:27-05:00

A quick update :-)

Ever since I began focusing on changing behaviours towards eating I've found myself clashing with people more, especially at work, getting wound up by passengers, arguing back and even upset. It's been along time since I have felt fustrated and angry enough to cry and it is draining; these are the times I want to give up and curl up. This is the time I am also more thankful than ever for my friends and the support they always give.

I'm still struggling along with planning meals and snacks, it's difficult to work out what I can eat without it leading to a binge or without purging. I introduced yoghurt into my diet again this morning, one thing at a time so I feel comfortable within myself I think.

The Side Effects of Recovery

2008-07-24T09:52:24-05:00

On the Canadian’s day off from the tattoo shop we often head out for a Date Night of sorts. Last night, after rumbling about Uptown for a while, I noticed that the Smitten Kitten was still open and after a couple minutes of begging, managed to get the boy in there. (Not familiar with the Kitten? Then you’re in for a treat! It is my most favorite sex shop in the Twin Cities. ‘Cause nothin’ says lovin’ like a new toy.)

Wandering about the store, checking out the merch, I can tell that the boy’s skin is about to crawl off his bones but he bravely sticks it out. As we’re heading for the door, I stop at the display of glass sex toys, and start to tell Jeff how uneasy the idea of a glass dildo makes me. As I reach up to look at a stainless steel piece that caught my eye, I inadvertently bump another toy which sets off a chain reaction of bumping, rolling, and tumbling merchandise that would make Charlie Chaplin proud. When I hear a glass toy hit the floor and shatter, not only am I 100% convinced that glass toys are probably one of the worst things ever designed for my va-jay-jay, but I am filled with dread when Jeff reads the price tag: $76.

I slink over to the register and pull out my credit card as the super-nice staff at the Kitten sweep up the shards of sex toy. (Doesn’t that seem wrong!??! No toy should ever have shards!) The Canadian is kind of smirking, but gallantly offers to pay for half of the toy. I, meanwhile, am not only embarrassed but super-pissed off that I’m about to flush $76 down the toilet. And there isn’t even any cool, half-used merchandise to keep! If I had broken a vibrator and left it with only 3 out of 5 of its settings, I would be happy to pay for it and take it home. Alas….the glass dildo was turning out to be a waste in several ways.

Against all logical sense, I start to tear up. The Canadian looked startled and quickly tried to assure me that this is not a big deal. It’s okay. I am not convinced, and the tearing turns in to a kind of welling up of tears and I can tell there’s going to be a spillage. This is even more embarrassing than breaking the toy. I headed over to the lube display and grabbed a paper towel from the try-it-out area. I was absolutely appalled at how emotional I was. Emotional! My brain: “I work so hard in therapy so I can enjoy moments like this?!? If this is what it means to experience emotions, then pass the fucking Oreos!” It all seemed so ridiculous at the time.

Back at the register, the clerk is clearly in the Land of Uncomfortable Silences. She just stares at me. While I cry. Over a DILDO. The Canadian is unphased - he’s already seen this freaky sideshow many times. Instead, he starts working on the clerk to put her at ease: “It’s okay. She’s just a bit emotional this evening. She’ll be fine.”

Then one of the Smitten Kitten co-founders walked over and defused the situation: “Ohmigosh! You’re not paying for THAT! Do you know how many $300 toys I’ve broken in this place? Don’t get me started…”

[Currents]

2008-07-24T04:52:52-05:00

Currently:
A little land sick and cold

Current Book:

Current Album:

Current Film:

(I don't know what that guy in the corner is about but this is one of my favourite stills)

Current shame-inducing guilty pleasure:

In the last couple weeks I've forced myself back into drinking coffee and loving it and now I'm addicted to it again. I was just so bored at work I didn't know what else to do. Soy french vanilla lattes, iced for now though preferably hot.

Current Colours:

Current Link:
http://michaelianblack.typepad.com/

Current Drink:

Over ice. The more generic the better.

Current fetish:

Current wish list:

and sleep kisses

and

Current Song:

Current Triumph:

giving slightly less of a fuck about being fat

Current celebrity crush:
(pretty much always)
and

Current indulgence:

wearing pants as little as possible.

Current excitement:
a wild weekend at the ocean

Current Mood:
(puddle lovey)

Seeing the light, feeling the heat

2008-07-23T23:19:25-05:00

"People don't change when the see the light; they change when they feel the heat."
--David Brooks, NY Times editorial

During many of my years of therapy, I looked for the light. The light at the end of the tunnel, the light from the bulb that would pop on once I figured out why I wasn't eating. Mostly what I found was "light" foods- light on calories, fat, nutrition, and taste. And the light at the end of the tunnel became more of the light of an oncoming train.

Maybe, I thought, I'm just not looking hard enough. Or in the right places. So I kept on searching for...whatever it was.

Eventually, I was told I would starve to death before I saw the light, and was hospitalized. And send to treatment. Again and again and again. I felt the heat of the light as I was told eat or get a feeding tube- and so I ate. Only to fall back into old habits upon discharge.

So it was back to looking for the light.

I was told I needed to suffer the consequence of my choices. These consequences might, after all, help me see the light. Or at least start feeling the heat.

Except it was like applying heat to the legs of a paraplegic: if there aren't functioning nerves, you aren't going to feel any pain.

Right?

A new treatment team helped me realize that I didn't need to feel the heat, but the eating disorder did. Ed felt the heat in the hospital and in treatment centers where there was a subtle (or not) threat to eat or else. And when I started eating at home, my parents helped Ed feel the heat.

I still don't know if I've seen the light. Obviously, I have to take care of myself and my recovery. There's no getting around that. Yet now I'm the one keeping anorexia under the broiler, not my treatment team or my parents (though they provide admirable backup). They only make sure that I have the temperature on high enough.

So, Ed? If you can't stand the heat, you really should get out of the kitchen.

guilty

2008-07-23T19:55:02-05:00

Sooo...how this whole not procrastinating thing is going: I ate later than usual today on purpose because yesterday I was so hungry when I got home, so I wanted to make sure I was really hungry before eating, because if I ate too soon I'd be hungry during my appointment and that would be no fun. So I ate later than normal on purpose, and when I came home I had some cashews, but then I didn't eat until almost 7:30. Oops.

Oh, and I have another appointment tomorrow...

xoxo
Tori

unsatisfied

2008-07-23T18:48:14-05:00

So I went to the chiropractor today and, basically, a normal back has a curvature of 35-40 degrees. Well, mine is 63 degrees. Which means that it's not gonna be just a fix-and-go thing. I have to go in three times a week! My mom is not going to be happy when I tell her that -- she hates chiropractors...

Oh, and Sarah is letting me do another kiosk! This one is on the main floor by the elevator! Who's the shit?! (Just say it)

xoxo
Tori

Nice to see you

2008-07-23T08:09:24-05:00

I don't get out much, but the other night, I met some fellow writers to discuss a manuscript I'm working on (fiction, and nothing to do with eating disorders). I gussied myself up a bit - something I rarely do in our small town where I work from home and have few business or fancy social occasions at which to put on airs.

Interestingly, these days when I brush my hair and wear a dress it is out of town and at an eating disorder event.

All this is preface to say that I was completely flummoxed by the words "You look great!"

In the ED world it rarely happens. Yes, people dress their best and clean their ears, but commenting on appearance is, just, well, not done. Who has the heart to: the over-valuing of appearance sounds too much like the mental illness which brings us together. But it is also taboo and tasteless in that community. And rightly so.

I believe our society's fixation on appearance is utterly wrongheaded and poisonous (my parents are civil rights activists, after all - I was raised to look deeper than appearance). I do NOT believe this stuff causes eating disorders (though it can trigger dieting, which does), but it is clear it delays diagnosis and stalls recovery when the eating disorder's craziness is hard to distinguish from the rest of our silliness.

But it was interesting to observe my own extreme discomfort at each person I met going on and on about my "looking great" because I wasn't dressed to pick up hay at the feed store. I was awkward, really awkward, and I said stupid things and I'm sure I seemed quite rude not to just reciprocate "Oh, you, too!" Because I simply don't do that any more.

I just wanted to get on to other topics. "HOW are you?" "What's up with you these days?" "How're the kids?"

Ironically, I must report that one of my reactions was to comment on someone's arm cast - which if I want to be entirely consistent is an aspect of appearance so why comment on it? Habit, trying to be sociable, deflecting attention... I'm a hypocrite.

Getting free of that appearance stuff has been lovely. It didn't happen overnight, naturally, but I'd not realized how very far I've drifted from the mainstream. How unnatural it is to me now to do that whole "you look great; I'm a mess" dance. As if I've been living in another culture and come home for a visit to discover how bizarre my family's habits really are.

I didn't go on a consciousness-raising rampage, though it was tempting. I just appreciated how far I've come. And how far we all have to go.

Never Stop Fighting

2008-07-23T06:10:00-05:00

Dave and I had a great therapy session yesterday. He is pleased to see that my depression is lifting, and that I'm eating on a regular basis. It feels good to be able to laugh and smile again. Dave said that he missed being able to joke around with me. Depression really doesn't lend itself to a sense of humor, but I do feel like mine is coming back. It is as if we are falling in love all over again, and that is wonderful. Recognizing all of the qualities that we love about each other and cherishing the time we are able to spend together. I don't want to waste anymore time worrying about my body...trying to chase some kind of elusive perfection. I realize how pointless and counterproductive it is to all of my relationships. Claudia is very close to the curb!

"To be nobody but yourself~
in a world which is doing it's best,
night, and day,
to make you like everybody else~
means to fight the hardest battle
which any human being can fight,
and never stop fighting."

e.e. cummings

I have made vows and promises to the people that I love.
I will never stop fighting...for them, but most of all, for me.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-23T06:02:00-05:00

Mondello Pier in Sicily

Going Through the Motions

2008-07-23T10:56:51-05:00

The longer you "go through the motions," the easier recovery becomes. Soon you do it more naturally and you discover things that are unknown to you right now. You learn about yourself. You will get where you want to be, but it takes time and effort.

You are probably giving a tremendous amount of effort right now. And you're probably thinking, "When will something give a little?" or "When will I actually be free of this?" Keep reminding yourself that the best is yet to come. You can do this. It will get easier.

Setbacks are going to occur. Don't let them stop you in your tracks.

No one can tell you what you are feeling and experiencing. Don't let anyone define it for you. And it really makes no difference what you call it--a relapse, a slip-up, depression...whatever it is, it is real and you can change it if you want to or live it if you don't. (And who wants to live it?) The only word that matters is Recovery. If you feel you are going through recovery, good. If you don't think you are but want to, then do something to change it. If you think you have a recovery mindset but lack the drive or the will to care 100% of the time, you can change that too.

Change one thing and you end up changing a lot.

Recovery doesn't mean you are doing well 100% of the time. It just means that you WANT to be.

No matter how many cons there are to your dilemma, one big pro outweighs them all: you getting better, you feeling better, you learning to live life again.

You don't have to define what you are going through with a word (relapse, recovery, slip-up, setback, etc.). You just have to know where you want to go.

Movie Review: “disFIGURED”

2008-07-23T10:37:32-05:00

“disFIGURED” bills itself as a film about “women and weight,” but this is no chick flick of women bemoaning the sad, fat state of their thighs. Two women with overlapping insecurities – one is struggling with anorexia, the other with emotional overeating and morbid obesity – embark on an unlikely friendship in Glenn Glers’ directorial debut. Shot on a barebones budget of little more than unknown talent and a director’s dream, “disFIGURED” is both absorbing and evocative, sentimental but not saccharine. This is a film that shows female body-image dysfunction comes in all shapes and sizes.

Lydia (Deidra Edwards) is a fat woman struggling with the Cartesian duality of wanting to accept herself as she is while still wrestling with how her life could be if only she were thin. She joins a fat acceptance support group dedicated to fighting the fat prejudices of a thin-obsessed culture, but it soon becomes clear that the negative voices Lydia hopes most to stifle are her own. Yet even amongst her fat peers, Lydia still doesn’t quite fit in. She proposes a fat walker’s group and is harshly scolded by the militant group who see any such move as simply code for dieting.

Strangely, the only person who supports Lydia is Darcy (Staci Lawrence), a shockingly thin newcomer who wanders in mid-meeting to the open-mouthed shock of the group. Darcy identifies herself as a recovering anorexic who hopes that joining the group will allow her to finally accept her “fat” – an image only visible to Darcy herself. For group members whose weights number in the hundreds of pounds, Darcy appears both mocking and cruelly satirical. She’s voted out of the group, despite Lydia’s protestations that no one should be excluded.

The two outcasts soon strike up an uneasy friendship and in Darcy, Lydia finds a perfect parallel: Darcy is sophisticated, willowy, elegant… and mentally ill. There isn’t an ounce of fat on her body, or in her acting: She has pared himself down so remarkably her skin barely covers her soul. Darcy receives accolades and praise from an adoring public; Lydia faces taunts and jeers from strangers on the street. Yet, it soon becomes apparent that happiness isn’t found in the junior’s department. Lydia’s story reveals itself in lush, saturated colors, while Darcy’s unfolds in cold austere tones and stark black and white imagery. There are no shades of grey in Darcy’s world, both literally and metonymically. It becomes obvious that Darcy still actively struggles with anorexia, but viewers get the sense that while she is starving physically, its human connection Darcy hungers for most.

Despite Darcy’s emotional constipation, she and Lydia strike up a curious friendship that pivots uneasily on the opposite ends of the weight spectrum occupied by the women. In each other, the two find solidarity, but it’s a friendship fraught with insecurity and marked by brutal honesty. When Lydia hesitantly asks Darcy what she thinks of Lydia’s body, Darcy doesn’t sugarcoat her words. “I think it’s disgusting,” she replies without apology. Later, Lydia invites Darcy over to her pad, where she makes a major faux pas in encouraging Darcy to join her on a wild food binge. For Darcy, the idea of submitting to her own flesh and desires is inconceivable and the proposal nearly marks the death knell of the fragile friendship.

With Darcy’s help, Lydia’s walker’s group idea meets with great success – in more ways than one. When burly Bob (Ryan C. Benson) joins the group, sparks fly between him and Lydia and the two soon embark on a non-committal sexual relationship. Genuinely fat people are rarely featured in films, much less are they made the subject of a non-satirical love interest. And sexual scenes involving one or more fat partners? Unheard of. But fat sex appears perfectly au natural in “disFIGURED” and Gers deserves kudos for the film’s beautifully-constructed and artfully-shot sole sex scene. The burgeoning relationship between Lydia and Bob brings an unforced intimacy to the film that is one of its strengths. To watch their characters interact is to eavesdrop on some of life’s smallest but most universal moments.

Armed with a new love interest and a fledgling friendship, Lydia’s life appears to be making an upswing. Then Bob mentions he’s getting gastric bypass surgery, shocking Lydia out of her calm complacency and back into her deepest insecurities. She asks Darcy to give her “anorexia lessons” to which the latter reluctantly obliges.

The bizarre concept might easily have easily turned into a how-to guide paraded across pro-ana boards and studiously studied by legions of aspiring anorexics. But in Gers’ capable hands, anorexia is seen not as a glamorous way to get thin quick, but as the emotionally-devastating and all-consuming mental illness it truly is. My only quibble with Gers here is that while he responsibly shows the mental toll of anorexia, Darcy appears almost too healthy in body.

On the flip side, Gers skillfully deals with the issue of Lydia’s emotional overeating while yet stopping short of falling into the stereotype of the fat person as uncontrollable glutton. Writing about issues of eating disorders and disordered eating amongst fat people is a difficult balance to strike. There’s the danger in the implicit assumption that all fat people must have problematic relationships with food – hence explaining their obesity. But it is also very difficult to be fat (or thin) in this current culture and not have fallen victim to social cues and conditioning that reaffirms and rewards weight-loss and thinness and denigrates and degrades fatness and fat people. To ignore this reality is self-delusion, at best, and “disFIGURED” does a beautiful job of portraying the struggles many people face in light of an increasingly disordered culture.

“disFIGURED” is a film of great risk-taking. People who believe in the absolute infallibility of the calories in/calories burned weight-loss equation will likely pass by this film altogether. But nor will hardcore fat acceptance activists see this as a valentine to fat people or to the movement. To their credit, most fat acceptance circles are more inclusive than the film’s group, and very few fat activists would reject even the most shockingly thin. Anti-thin sentiments do exist amongst those in the movement, but fortunately they are thin in the ranks. Fat people have a heavier load to bear than thin people, but most fat activists recognize that weight-based discrimination is a collective fight. Despite the unlikelihoods that drive the film, the filmmaker finds so many grace notes in the humanity of his characters that it ends up feeling fiercely and emotionally real.

The often ad-libbed discussions of this wounded group of mostly women sound off on experiences that won’t come as unfamiliar to fat viewers. Their search for empowerment and self-acceptance in a crazy-hostile world doesn’t stint on desperation and anxiety, but also refreshingly includes positive affirmations and personal validations. I wish there were more voluptuous actors like this, these men and women who look like someone you might sit next to on the bus, pass on the street or even see in the image reflected in the mirror. They hold the spotlight beautifully.

“disFIGURED” has the tact and sophistication not to tie things up too tidily for either Lydia or Darcy. The film ends on a vaguely optimistic note, but it remains uncertain if any of character’s personal catharses will pan out. In the end, these characters find that while the process of healing is a step forward each has to make for herself, it’s not a journey one has to make alone.

Ultimately “disFIGURED” is less about the ways in which we treat and are treated by others and more so about the lies we tell ourselves. This is a film that shows the power of words and of speaking honestly — both with others and with ourselves. Fortunately, “disFIGURED” helps us answer the difficult question of how to start that dialogue in our own lives.

Showing in Manhattan through July 24. Widely released through major retailers (Amazon, Netflix, Blockbuster, Best Buy) on July 29.

Written and directed by Glenn Gers; director of photography, Idit Dvir; edited by Mr. Gers and Gregory Plotkin; music by Kayla Schmah; production designer, Tabitha Johnson; produced by David W. Higgins; released by Cinema Libre Studio. Cast: Deidra Edwards (Lydia), Staci Lawrence (Darcy) and Ryan C. Benson (Bob).

Running time: 1 hour 36 minutes; this film is not rated.

Website: www.disfiguredmovie.com

Administrative Note

2008-07-22T23:34:04-05:00

Wow, it doesn’t seem like a whole year has passed since the boy and I made our heathen-like cohabitation all official and respectable by churchy standards. We’re celebrating our one-year anniversary on Friday, so we’re headed out of town tomorrow for a few days. I would have loved to go back to Mackinac Island and stay at the B & B we got married at again, but with gas prices now requiring one’s first- and second-born children, we decided to stick closer to home. I love the outdoors and all, but I’m not exactly what you’d call a camping kind of girl, so I’ve reserved a fully-equipped log cabin that sits secluded on 165 acres of land in Ohio’s beautiful Hocking Hills region. I have a friend watching over the blog and the messageboard, but I won’t have internet access for a few days and won’t be checking in personally.

In the meantime, I’ll be posting my review of the film “disFigured,” followed by an interview with writer and director Glenn Gers. See you in a few days, everyone.

Two Quick Ones

2008-07-22T12:31:00-05:00

In honor of "Love Yourself Up" week, Claire did an interview over at U.K. teen queen author Lisa Clark's blog, Pink World. Check it out.

We are all over Facebook these days. You can become a fan of 5 Resolutions, Claire's book, and join our group if you haven't already. Okay, okay, we promise not to challenge you to Scrabulous.