It has gotten so busy that I am finding myself in dire need to schedule absolutely everything. I’ve been retained as an expert witness in an industry dispute and this project has consumed a lot of my time. The Photosecrets subscriber list has grown to over 1300 (we’ve added 250 people last month alone!) and the monthly Free Call audience grew an additional 50%. In addition to that I am finishing the “How to Make Money With Stock” product and between software training, copywriting, filling orders, interviews, coaching, consulting and being the mom of an aspiring and talented young woman I once again find myself a little busy. Did I mention that my book is being considered for publication of all places in GERMANY! Keep your fingers crossed, I am ready to get this project moving forward.

In order to get it all done I have to figure out the ‘how.’ And that starts usually with focusing on what’s important. But that’s easier said than done so I thought we would do that together.  I know I am not the only one who wonders how everything can get done in time.

When determining where your focus should be you need to take a look at what’s going on in your life right now. I call that finding a main focus. What is truly and honestly the most important thing for you? In my case, right now it’s my daughter because she is going to college in a few months. I want to spend every moment with her because this time will never come back. How about you? What is your main focus? Is it work, health, your relationship, your children, family or money?

Once you have your true priority straight you want to take a look at what that means for your daily routine. In my case I will not work when Gina is here  – simple enough. What does it mean for you? Do you need to take care of your health? Then perhaps eating right and exercising is your main focus. Or, if it is making money then you need to focus on those tasks that generate income for you the fasted. You may want to move those phone calls, go-see’s, updating the website, sending out promotions and mailers on the top of your list.

I am sure this isn’t exactly breaking news to you and hardly something you are not telling yourself frequently. Maybe it’s on your list already but you are not doing it.  But why is it so hard to stick to what we know is important and why can’t we just do it when we know we should? The answer is simple – we don’t want to. It gets’ better, in addition to not wanting to do it or feeling like it, we can explain why! One of mine is that I am already German so do I need to be more disciplined and structured? Isn’t it enough that it runs already in my genes? I would love to just float through my day and dabble a little in this and that. And I suffer from Entrepreneurial ADD (a term I invented to describe why Entrepreneurs are so easily distracted) and rather not focus on one thing. Your answer might be that you hate to make those calls and feel awkward when you do and therefore just don’t make them. Or run so late for that industry-networking event you already RSVP’d to, that it now makes no more sense to go. Although you know you should have, you still didn’t.

Do you suffer from Entrepreneurial ADD?

The truth is we all have our excuses. So let’s simply take note that we tend to not want to do certain tasks and figure out how we can trick our way around this issue. One of the things that I talk about when I give a speech or in my coaching is to pay attention to what you say and how you say it. Everything we do is in essence a choice. As long as you make that choice consciously and recognize it as a CHOICE you are in good shape. But more often than not we use language like ‘have to’, ‘need to’ or ‘should’. If you present that to yourself in that way frankly it’s going to be a tough one. How in the world are you going to enjoy being on the phone if you tell yourself you ‘have to’ do it?

For my next Silver and Charter Membership call I will be interviewing Douglas Kirkland. That’s right, that Douglas Kirkland, the world famous glamour photographer, a legend in his own right. When I went to the event to meet him (which was my focus that night) I was ‘privileged to go’ and when I followed up via email and a call I was ‘thrilled to be able to talk to someone like him.’ Suddenly the task is not a must do but a pleasure and privilege. For you that means as you set your main focus maybe you want to look at this from a new perspective? Maybe you are privileged like I am to be able to do what you love, to live your passion, to talk to people that are interesting and provide the world with your great service and your great attitude!

Below I posted the video of the memorial service from this past weekend at Zuma Beach in Malibu, California. Dagmar was outrageous, funny, determined, opinionated and spiritual. My apologies about the sound, due to the waves crashing it is difficult to hear what is said throughout that part of the video. Gina sang once again the song that she had sung to Dagmar shortly before she transitioned. Many of you have thanked me for putting these videos together (I am just doing my part) and enjoyed the sensitivity Gina’s song brought to the visuals. Gina and Dagmar had an instant connection. It is perfect that Gina was the one who got to see her off with a final song goodbye just as Dagmar welcomed Gina into this world with her choice of music, Mozart.  Life goes full circle.

Inexplicably, I was very happy that day. I thought I’ll cry my eyes out and be very emotional but instead I felt almost joyous. I loved and appreciated the presence of her many friends whom I had lost touch with over the years. The stories were hilarious and we agreed that there will never be another one like her. She will be sorely missed. Funny that when a story was told that she might not have wanted to hear conveniently a motorcycle would come by and that part of the story drowned out. We laughed, even now she likes to be in control.

Glimpses of my final hour with her are still embedded in my memory. I knew she could hear me but she was unable to move or acknowledge my presence. When I said my goodbyes it was as if she tried to respond to me. I knew this was the last time I would see her.

When I woke up the following morning I felt that she had ditched her physical body. I could sense her spirit soaring and screaming (in her signature style) whoa, this is so cool, I can’t (@$&*) believe this! This sensation of her swooshing by lasted for about 48 hours and then I heard her whisper that she had to attend to some work that needed to to be done. Since then I feel her come around here and there, just as I am feeling her right now.

On the day of her memorial service I started to see activity with my book “Women Who Want It All and get it, too.” My agent and I are looking for a good home at the right publisher and the recent activity is a sign to me that there is perhaps divine guidance through the hands of my friend. It was the last piece she read.

Gone is only who is forgotten and I am quite sure that we won’t forget her. If you would have seen her in the clown outfit, the orange pumpkin coat, the Egyptian hand painted outfit or her pearl wig you wouldn’t either.

Feel free to post your comments and share your memories on the blog. We have heard from people from Manila, Spain, France and Germany.

Have you noticed that most of the time when you like or dislike someone that the feeling is mutual? Science has studied this phenomenon and there are a number of criteria that factor into it, like scent, facial expression, body posture or voice.

But sometimes this feature doesn’t seem to work quite right. I’ve been the target of a real hater. The interesting thing and the flabbergasting part about it – is that I didn’t even know this was going on. Imagine you know a person as a friend for some thirteen years and all of a sudden you are at the center of their hate campaign. It’s an ugly roaring beast. Emotionally charged, unfair, factually wrong, hurtful but still, this is the United States and everyone can say whatever they want about anyone – anytime. The bad comes with the good. Anyone can start a blog and write what they want (while more often than not they are destroying their career.) The rule of thumb for the internet is as outlined by Wired – What goes on the internet is there to stay. So,  before you are tempted to do that be reminded that you cannot take it back.

But back to the hater who’s blog I encountered and stand in the center of the ugliness that unfolds. Comments are written, exclamation marks are made, someone has an opinion, another couldn’t wait to add their five cents, someone sees it for what it is, another screams who cares and  a woman writer snubbing at another woman’s choice with a snotty remark about me, the mother.

I had to reach deep into myself and make a choice. It would be easy to state what really happened and expose the person for what he is. The facts if exposed and brought to light stand for itself and tell the story for what it is. I had a blast during my moments of examining what I know (oh and it’s good stuff) and all that I could do with that. For that moment I was Max in “Where The Wild Things Are” and I did my roaring.

But, is that who I want to be? Is there another choice that I can make and can I find a better way to deal with that? As this incident roared it’s ugly head I went to Agape for a midweek spiritual fix and listened to an  amazing speaker Niurka who happened to speak that night. It was no coincidence and just what I needed. Niurka had injured and broken her leg badly in a motorcycle accident. She hobbled on stage and gave her sermon sitting in a chair. When she told the story of her accident she was speaking to me directly. She said that her first instinct was rage, anger and the broad variety of emotions when you ask yourself, what Tony Robbins calls the endless loop question “why.”

Instead this powerful woman said that she choose to see what was the good that would come from her accident? In her case she managed to meet some of the most powerful healers of our time who rushed for support to her bedside at the hospital. Not a bad turn-around if you ask me.

Still utterly upset and feeling wronged by this hater I realized that I need to stay focused on what is important to me. If I give this incident energy by thinking about it over and over again I am going to give it power. It will become more toxic than it already is. Is this who I want to be?

Following Niurka’s thought of “How I can turn this into good” I created a folder on my computer that is called exactly that. This is where I copied all the documentation from this incident in case I need to proof the facts (better safe than sorry.) Now when I look at this folder I am reminded that I want to turn this into something positive and that I made a choice to not feed its negativity.

How can you apply what happened to me or Niurka to you? When you encounter someone who doesn’t like you, backstabs you, spreads lies or picks a fight for no reason see if you can find what the good in this situation is. I recommend following my 24 hour rule. That means you let at least 24 hours pass before you even think of reacting. During this time you ask yourself the question if you want to react on the same level or if you choose to take a different route. Could you examine this situation and find one good thing in it? What would that be? Could you focus on that one thing instead of feeding the negative energy?

As an additional thought: The harder the blow, the bigger the project I will tackle. I choose pick something that I have been meaning to do but just haven’t gotten around. In a challenging personal time I focus my energy on a (physical) project. During my this past summer I had one of these times and I am pleased to tell you that my deck, the wooden bench and the hot tub have several fresh layers of paint and look better than they ever have. Now I remember this difficult and tearful summer as the summer when I remodeled my deck. Electric sander and all! Now I defined how I will look at this time of my life.

As for this current situation… I have since contacted Niurka and let’s keep our fingers crossed that she will accept my invitation to be part of “Women Who Want It All and Get It, Too.” If this is what comes of this than perhaps I might consider thanking the hater and it would become one of these: If that wouldn’t have happened than I would have never met her and I would have never….

That is not how my life used to be! In the last ten years before I sold my company everything was on fast track. Instant results, instant action, instant everything but that feels long gone. So what is going on with me, with you and around us?

This last weekend I finished reading Dan Brown’s latest novel. In his page turner he examines through one of his characters the science behind the power of thought. He also goes in detail addressing the presumed end of the world.  Which I see when I turn on my TV as the end of the world is advertised by the example of the movie 2012.

The world has indeed changed and much of what we used to think and know perhaps is indeed coming to an end. And that might not be a bad thing after all.

You may know that I am a Creative Entrepreneur and I love business. All kinds of businesses but especially everything around photography and self-improvement. You see, I believe that both of these go hand-in-hand and  you can’t have one without the other. The reason is that even in business things change dramatically and I will be honest with you, the way I ran my business three years ago probably wouldn’t work anymore. So what has changed?

First and foremost I sense a massive shift in the way people think and it is coming from everywhere. What we believed to be secure, such as 401K’s and owning a home or a big business like a bank turned out to be not so secure after all. Our security blanket was ripped out of our hands. Naturally people are afraid of change and the shift first manifested itself in fear and resulted in a full blown panic. The results are visible in our economy, our way of thinking and the path to recovery ahead.

But now there seems to be another shift. Not too long ago our country choose to decide its future based on the word HOPE. We didn’t choose words like profit or security, we choose the simple word hope. (As a note of clarification I am taking no political sides although I do have an option.) Lately I have noticed that the new TV shows seem to be a little bit more uplifting and fun. I am loving Glee, Castle and Leverage and have stopped watching Law & Order SVU and House. I don’t want to be dragged down anymore I want to see something that makes me feel good. You can argue that perhaps that is a personal preference and that there still plenty of scary TV. That might be the case but at least it demonstrates the shift in my thinking and if I look at the viewer numbers my point appears to be valid.

You know that my friend Dagmar transitioned just last month. I’ve been feeling the loss and the discomfort that comes with it. I want to push forward and out of it. I am tired and a little bit cranky which are all signs of grief. Yet, there is nothing to push, things are moving at their own pace. Could it be that just like my grief which goes at its own pace it is time to trust that what happens around us is the right thing and happens at the right time?

What if we are witnessing the great shift that all religions and spiritual teaches seem to have predicted and what if it is real? What if we can build businesses and families that are based on functioning and mutually beneficial relationships and authenticity? What if what goes on around us brings us back to the true self?

One of my favorite examples occurred during a service at Agape where one women said: I lost my job today but now I don’t need to worry about loosing it anymore. She seemed to be happy to have lost the fear of loosing her job and the reality of being unemployed gave her incredible strength and a vision of her future authentic that she was ready to create.

So what does that mean for you? As all the signs around us indicated that we are in a time of snail pace make the best out of it. Know it, embrace it and use your time wisely. Invest in yourself, a coach, a seminar a workshop or whatever else there might be that will light up your passion and will make you fearless and optimistic. Use this time to clean your house, contemplate what that authentic you looks like. Find happiness in small moments and be conscious when they happen.

Because it might not be the end, this might just be the beginning of something so much better.

Please join me as I will be the featured luminary on Inspire Me Today on November 8, 2009. And if you haven’t already done so please download your free gift and chapter of my upcoming bestseller “Women Who Want It All, and get it, too” here.

Hello from Beate Chelette! Please join me on November 8th, 2009 on InspireMeToday.com! I’ll be sharing insights from my experiences in an exclusive 500-word article on the best things I’ve learned in life – full of beneficial nuggets for you! While you’re visiting InspireMeToday.com , sign up for the free daily inspiration email and free 44 page eBook Secrets to Soaring. I encourage you to use these gifts to help you on your life’s journey. On behalf of the InspireMeToday.com family, thank you for your support. We greatly appreciate you!

Until next time

Beate

When I walked through the door and into her room I was shocked and had to brace myself. This body did not resemble the woman I know. I want you to keep your wonderful memories and not replace them with what I saw that day but it was tough. I had not been filming for the last month.

That morning I went into my daughters room and selected a stack of children books to read to Dagmar. So there I sat on the most uncomfortable wooden chair doing the best I could to read the books with the same enthusiasm as if I read it to a child. And in a way that is not so far stretched because Dagmar had many childlike qualities. She laughed a little too loud, wore clothes that were perhaps not always quite appropriate and when she told a story she did it with the sincerity of a child.

I read the books “Where the Wild Things Are”, “What is Love” and “Briefe von Felix” which is about the adventures of a toy rabbit who accidentally went on the wrong plane and ended up traveling the world.

It is said that the hearing goes last so I just told her that I knew she could hear me, wished her a wonderful journey, assured her that her work here was done and encouraged her to let go when she was ready. I knew this would be the last time I would see her alive.

My daughter Gina who is now 17 and the voice in the video must have known because she canceled her date on Wednesday evening to hang and snuggle with me. We ate a huge piece of chocolate mousse and a fruit tart with appropriate civilized amounts of hot teas in honor of Dagmar’s sweet tooth. The fire place was going and we watched our favorite shows. I pulled out Dagmar pictures and put them on the mantle. I woke up briefly before midnight and when I woke up again in the morning I felt that she had left. I turned on my phone and got this message:

Dear Friend of Dagmar:

Wednesday at 11:30 p.m. our magnificent Dagmar opened her wings took flight.

Peace to all.

Barbara

The message made me cry instantly and still I marvel at how Barbara could put everything in this one sentence. Dagmar referred to her as her angel and I had to promise to watch over Barbara once she left. There are no words to describe what Barbara has done for Dagmar and on her behalf. All I can say is “Thank You.”

The two videos I made were done knowing that Dagmar would depart. I wanted to create a moment of selfish comfort so I can see and hear her when I miss her. And I wanted to be able to share this with her friends after she left so that you can take comfort in the courage she had and how she spiritually mastered her fear and accepted and embraced the next steps of her journey.

Dagmar said to me that she didn’t know that she had that many friends who cared so much about her and she was truly humbled by it. She didn’t think she had exactly been Mother Theresa and the outpouring of love was very emotional for her. By no means had I been the closest of her friends over many years but she knew when to call on me. Perhaps she also knew that I would create what I am creating now to give those who loved her a few last visual moments of comfort.

The second time I took my daughter because I knew that Dagmar would liven up being around her spunkyness and sure enough the two had a grand time. When Gina sang for Dagmar I can still see that little smile lingering around her mouth as she closed her eyes and just listened. It only dawned on me how timely the piece was Gina choose to sing when I edited the video finally yesterday.

All throughout yesterday I literally could hear Dagmar screaming as her spirit was roaming around and assuring me how much she loved it and how “unbelievable” this experience was for her. I truly feel that she is having a watchful eye on all of us and having the time of her life. They will be having their hands full in heaven with her now and that makes me giggle. Little did they know!

I encourage you to post your comments about what you remember about Dagmar on this blog. It is important that we share our great moments with her and the wild experiences you might have had.

Here is what I have received already:

Hi Beate,

I just don’t know how to thank you enough for these beautiful videos of my dear friend Dagmar.

I wanted to come to LA to be with Dagmar and help with her care – she was always there for me, such a great and special friend..  I moved back here to Connecticut primarily to care for my mom.  Unfortunately she has not been well and it just wasn’t possible for me to leave.  So, I was feeling so far away and so alone when I received the news.  The videos allowed me to be with Dagmar again and remember all the good times (I remember your house in that first video!).  The second video reminded me of the inspiration she brought to my life – really captured her spirit, which is now flying high with all the other angels.

Thank you for this beautiful gift. My heart goes out to you as we both try to imagine life without Dagmar.  I feel her presence, her spirit and her love and know that she is at peace.

Sending you love and light,
Linda

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sending along these dear videos of Dagmar. I will keep them with me. (The singing brought me to tears of joy).…
With love,
Elaine

Dear Friends of Dagmar,

I’ve been living away from LA for many years, but stayed in close touch with Dagmar by phone and email.  Beate’s videos showed me a little of the progress of Dagmar’s disease – the toll it was taking on her physically. But more importantly, it reminded me of the determination Dagmar had to squeeze as much out of her life as possible – and she shared this lesson with all of us every time we spoke with her. Thanks, Beate. Seeing these videos made me feel just a little bit better about losing Dagmar, and inspired me to include a photo of my own with a few thoughts.

I saw Dagmar in person nearly every day for a week starting two weeks before she passed. As I said, she showed us all how to live, but by her example she also showed us how to exit this world with dignity and grace. She was allowed that dignity in part by the presence and persistence of a few incredible friends. Thank you, Barbara. Thank you, Vicki. She referred to you as two of her angels. Forgive me if there are others I’m not mentioning.

There are so many things about Dagmar that stand out. One of my favorites was her big laugh – the one where she would laugh so hard she was gasping for breath. I can’t imagine anyone will ever again find me so funny – whether I am or not. Dag and I often spoke about traveling to Berlin together. But we both agreed that if she didn’t make it back to Germany, the journey upon which she was about to embark would be far more amazing than any in this world. During our last conversation, she referred to this final journey using the title of her children’s book, “What a Ride!” She said, and I quote, “It takes on a totally new meaning, doesn’t it?” I can’t think of anything better to describe the life and future travels of my friend, Dagmar. What a ride.

Bon voyage

Tschuss

XO

Dagmar 3-7-06

Thank you, Mark, for sharing these beautiful experiences of being w/Dagmar. I only got to spend a short time with her on this Earth, but my impression of her was just the same, of her packing and infusing a whole lot of joy, passion, and power into each moment she shared with others, and so willing to open herself to both fully give and receive. What a great teacher and a great friend. I am so grateful to have had her in my life. “What a Ride” connotates something that’s FUN, exciting, and an adventure. This ride/life—sometimes too short, but well worth the price of admission! Then we get to just jump on the next one….

With love,
Elaine Nakashima (friend in Santa Barbara)

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful remembrance of Dagmar, I have passed it on to a few of her other friends that have helped in the last 2 months.

Blessings,
Chris

Thank you so much, I feel so much comfort from her through these….

Jeannette Miss

Thank you for this beautiful gift!
Barbara, you are an angel!
Please let me know if there is a service. I will be in the MidWest until October 27th but I would like to send flowers. With love, Marion

Dagmar be at peace.  You will be missed. xoxo Frederique & Paloma

Her email stated simply that she had a bit of bad news. Her past, had caught up with her, so she said. She had been told that her stomach bug was actually liver cancer in an advance stage along with Hepatitis C. It didn’t sound good so I decided to see her two days later. When she opened the door and I saw her for the first time in about a year I was shocked. She was a bit yellow and looked thin, frail and weak. I had never seen her like this and it scared me. But I wanted to be upbeat and positive so I tried not to show how worried I am. I brought pictures and we went back twenty years and I filmed it. I want to document this journey. Watch the video, it’s about five minutes and we had some goofy moments there.

This week I took her to the hospital and without health insurance let me tell you – it is not pretty. For five hours we sat in an old building with another hundred other cancer patients on wooden benches waiting for someone to tell us something. After two hours I asked what was taking so long as we had an actual appointment. The nurse said it usually takes 3-4 hours. So I cracked a joke and said, wow, that means we are rushing through the system.

Sitting like a waiting duck with people who are ill and often with no insurance and finally listening to a pretty devastating prognosis was a spiritual challenge.

When you feel the looming presence of death – how do you suppress that feeling and be a pillar of support and positive energy? I want to be one thing yet I feel the tight grip the disease has on her tiny body. I feel her fear of what may happen to her and how little time there might be left. But she is not like me. She is not a roll-up-your-sleeves and declare the war person. For my part I’d be on the internet and research what there is, find ideas, forums, post things and and and. I did and at first I emailed her the links and then I stopped because she isn’t like me. She has her own way of dealing with it.

But first let me finish the hospital story. Finally after four hours we see an Oncologist versus medical students (one of which told us that students see the clear cut cases and only the complicated ones go to the doctors -geez, thanks for that!) and a nice one. For the first time in the three weeks that Dagmar has been in and out someone actually TOLD her what is going on. I think she brought me along as she knows I think and do well under pressure and don’t mind asking uncomfortable questions. The real diagnosis came down on us like a hammer. She has bile duct cancer and it is a very large tumor. It constricts the bile flow so her tummy is bloated like a balloon. The poison can’t go anywhere and it has to be drained occasionally to ease her discomfort. It is stage four cancer and has infected the liver so she has liver cancer, too. They can’t operate on the tumor or give her a transplant because the Hepatitis C is taxing her system further and on top of it she has liver cirrhosis. All there is for her is an experimental treatment. The sign up form to one of the sought after spots literally states on the form that you are offered this treatment because there are no other options. Improvement is unlikely but at least you’ll help other cancer patients that come after you… Or her other option is – nothing.

What do you say to that? After my questioning why someone would want to be a guinea pig for no benefit the doctor said that the drug actually does help many patients. That the lawyer language is unfortunately a little inhumane but they don’t want to make people to hopeful to avoid litigation. What to think and what to say now?

So I take my shaking yellow friend (term of endearment) and drive her back home. I am thankful she picked me to take her because I realize how much time I have missed with her. I feel her leaning on me and I am OK to be strong for her. Somehow she seems to know when she needs someone like me to fend for her. It is clear to me that her fight will not be the fight I would be fighting simply because her journey is different. She goes inward.

I have to leave and go home and immediately fall asleep for an hour. I am drained and I am the healthy one.

The next day Dagmar is back with another terrible five hour ordeal with a different friend thought and she signs up for the clinical trial which I am happy about. But knowing her fear of the side effects of the drug I worry that she might stop. I want her to fight  but something tells me that she might not want to or maybe her way is so different from anything I know that I grossly underestimate the power of her thirty years of spiritual work. She’s done and knows a lot about spirituality, god and the powers that there are. Maybe I just need to shut up and let her be. So I am.

But, the universe works in great ways. During a Las Vegas conference I happened to hang out with a wonderful woman Dr. Marilyn Joyce. Take a look at the video we did during lunch. With my new vice, the video camera and my always being ready to take action we tood this little video where Marilyn advises the blond (me) how to make better lunch choices!

Marilyn is a cancer survivor and wrote a book about it. She counsels cancer patients on nutrition, exercise and mental preparation. So three days after I got back from the trip I get Dagmar’s email the logical next step was to get Marilyn involved. The holistic approach works for Dagmar. She is not threatened by it and it ties in with her spiritual belief.

So here is some info about Marilyn and here is a link to this great book she wrote. If you know anyone with cancer or with cancer in remission I recommend you to get this.

There is no end to this story because it just begins. The lack of concept of how much time there might be makes me uneasy. The feeling of the inevitable scares me and my not being able to muster up enough hope and positive energy for her makes me angry at myself. I want to believe that she can beat this and be a cancer survivor. But deep down I am scared, too. I sense the presence of the disease and this one is a nasty one. All I can do is spend time with her and be as positive as I can be. But then I need to pull away to recharge so I can be supportive and hopeful for her again. It takes a miracle to heal her now, but they do happen and we need one now.

I haven’t told anyone, not my sister, not my mother and not many of my friends even know. I change my status on Facebook and deleted it immediately because I don’t want anyone to comment on it. Because then I would have to say something and I don’t want to.  I fear that if I speak the words that either I am smothered with pity or in the case of my mom I’ll be subjected to a well meaning but careless comment that has threaded itself through my life and sounds like men don’t like women like you. In her defense she has been genuinely worried about that my entire adult life. Never mind how well I have done and how happy I am in the overall picture of my life, that I am not married is a hard one for her.

And everything was going so good on all levels, it was all right here. Even the sore spot, the teenage drama is resolving. My smart and beautiful little girl is growing up. Every day I see her mature more and I can’t believe how good she is turning out. The darkness of the ugly teenage years is subsiding each day a little more. She seems to understand that I have feelings and strengths and weaknesses. There is no doubt that she will be leaving to go off to another city far away and my heart all of sudden aches. I live for preparing those last lunches and cooking her favorite food.  I cherish the spare moments where I can have her around me. I couldn’t wait to get my freedom back but all of a sudden that doesn’t mean so much anymore. Which party would I want to go to? Which nightlife do I need to participate in? What trend is there to follow and who do I need to be seen with anymore?

As a woman who wants it all I proudly wrote the final chapter of the book in which I say that having it all is a woman’s way to graduate in life. As you have mastered the heartbreak, the pain, the crazy hours, the frantic dashes with your kid to the doctor and the thousand things you need to do in the course of a day – a woman gets to eventually figure it out. It comes over time and is a result of years of learning, practicing and more available time and eventually you succeed. Things coexist all at the same time it is miraculous but it doesn’t come without you putting the conscious work into it. I wrote an entire book about it.

My work and my art which are intertwined and can’t be separated are fulfilling and exciting. I have more time for everything. My house is beautiful, my life is a blessing and every day I am full of gratitude for what I have worked for and what has been given to me so richly. The one thing that has eluded me as a working single mom all these years was to find love. I decided to go for it two years ago. I declared myself ready. I’ve created the list and the vision board and signed up for online dating.

And there it was. It came like a speed train out of the Eurotunnel and it was fabulous. For the first time in a long time I felt something and I thought it to be real. As in real life a few cracks showed up here and there and over time life happens. And then out of nowhere without warning in a split second a series of events are set off. I am in an action movie with villains and I have become the center of an ugly plot. The only dignified option I have to gain some sort of control over my life is to run to the train and now it is my turn to jump on it and to depart. Hopeful I glance out of the window but there is nobody running after me.

Could it, could it not, will it, would there be, is he, will I – I have no answers but only questions. This is not new; I’ve been there. We all have been there. We know how it works. It’s hard at first and with discipline and a good amount of tears you’ll move through it. Time heals all wounds.

We must find a way to deal with our pain. In my case, I feel I am more like a man when I want to get my head around something hurtful. One of the theories taught by John Gray in “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” is that men go to their cave and seek solitude whereas women seek out support from their girlfriends and talk about “the problem.”

When I get injured I hole up for sure. I call it my girl cave. I don’t want to go out much or socialize. Taking the bike to the beach is a small victory but I can’t just yet be around a bunch of happy people playing on the beach. So I ride the bike there and back. I paint, start reading a new book, hang out for hours in the tub, do long postponed projects around the house, bring out my Tarot cards and I cry over just about anything that has an emotional context (which includes toilet paper and diaper advertising).  Anything can set me off.

I’ve avoided writing my blog. I don’t want to give away too much. I want to keep the pain and my hurt close to me. But I am the woman who wants it all and my mission is to help you to figure out how to get it. So there must be something in this that is good, something worthy of being shared that can and will make sense.

So I have been thinking about it. When you don’t get what you want what is at work? Did you not create it right? Did you wish for the wrong thing? Did you make a bad choice once again? Is it that it’s not good enough for you?  Is it not good enough right now and you have to wait or it wasn’t good enough to begin with? Is something else much better coming?

The only thing that keeps me sane and has kept me sane the many times that I did not get what I wanted is the thought:  “This can’t be it, this can’t be all there is. The joke cannot be on me.” There has to be something out there that has my name on it, that is better, richer, fuller and with more of what I really need. While I want to be in charge and define my path I have to come to the conclusion:

You only have influence over two things: The beginning and the outcome – the middle, the path, is not up to you ~ Beate Chelette

We can dream it, wish it, manifest it and define the “what.” Then we have to let it go on it’s own path. You have to release “it.” Only when we surrender control of the “how” it will come back to us in the best possible way. And sometimes that is your only thought of comfort that you have.

The article talks about how we are wealthier, healthier and better but unhappier than we have ever been. Ouch!

Today in the Los Angeles Times Meghan Daum publishes an article “Why aren’t women happy? Who knows? Has the feminist movement failed us? She muses that it is Angelina Jolie’s fault. Grinning, I will agree. Someone so perfect really ruins it for the rest of us.

So I did what I thought was the sensible thing and I purchased and downloaded 48 pages of “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness” by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers. At least two women wrote the paper.

My first reaction was “what in the world…” but then I got hooked into the topic.

Here is the opening paragraph of that paper:

By many objective measures the lives of women in the United States have improved over the past 35 years, yet we show that measures of subjective well-being indicate that women’s happiness has declined both absolutely and relative to men. The paradox of women’s declining relative well-being is found across various datasets, measures of subjective well-being, and is pervasive across demographic groups and industrialized countries. Relative declines in female happiness have eroded a gender gap in happiness in which women in the 1970s typically reported higher subjective well-being than did men. These declines have continued and a new gender gap is emerging—one with higher subjective well-being for men.
Here I paused (scratched my balls, spit, got a beer, burped and turned on the TV to watch some sports) and reflected on what I have done just in the last decade:

• I raised my daughter by myself
• I ran a business by myself
• I made all my money by myself
• I had no support system
• I had no social life (single moms are not invited to couples events)
• and I, I, I

I was very unhappy and very angry then. It was hard.  The reason I am happy today is because everything worked out for me while I am still considerably young. I made my money, I raised my daughter, I have time to establish a social network and I can take time for friends. I am in a supportive relationship and in essence I can do whatever I want whenever I want it. It is easy now to be happy and supportive which is why I choose to take what I know and share it with you.

During the decade of bad luck as I call it I wished someone would have invented a “maninism” movement. I am sure many of you know what I refer to, a movement where men are encouraged and empowered to do the things men should do. As in: support their children, chip in, make the money, roll up the sleeves, make it through hard times, communicate and stick to their women in good and bad times. As I look around I don’t see so much of that. Single mom’s numbers are exploding across the world. A deadbeat dead is now called an absent father. It seems to be OK to skip on child support payments if he can even be expected to pay at all and not go after us for spousal support. I know women who are told by their families to be too proud to go after him. For the record: female empowerment does not mean we want to do it entirely on our own. But if we can’t have it our way, we’ll be darned, we do it anyway and if it kills us.

Forgive me if I get on a little rant here, but this whole thing makes me very upset. How can a woman be happy if she does more than ever? Our plate is full but what has changed for men? I can tell you what has. Their lifestyles have exponentially become better because women make their own money – so they don’t have that sole breadwinner pressure anymore. But I don’t see how this has enhanced a woman’s life? Yes we are liberated and make our own decisions. But we do way more than we ever had to do and society still tells us it’s not enough. If I can’t look like big boobed Mrs. Perfect smiling at me at the newsstand or can’t be back at work six weeks after having had my baby looking better than ever and as focused on the career as I was before – I am doomed.

Time to take a breath – so what is really going on here? Women do more without a doubt. We have come a long way and we are quite happy about it. What has changed is that because we stand our (wo)man in just about any category we are expected by a male dominated world to act and feel like men. Men have honed the skills of being men for hundreds of years. Their roles have not changed until recently. Their loads have become featherlight compared to what they used to be. No longer does society look funny at a man who can’t take it, runs off, avoids responsibility or simply doesn’t feel like it anymore. It’s easier for men than it has ever been in some respects. That this causes a toll on men as well is a different story and perhaps when I write the follow up book “Men Who Want It All and Get It, Too” I’ll address all of that.

Look at our roles in comparison. Womens roles have changed so much that we don’t even know who we are sometimes. We do what we have always done AND we do everything else on top of it. Powerful women need a lot of support and love and understanding as we are truly the first generation of “Women Who Want It All and Get It, Too.” We have to figure out how that works and how it all fits together. It is our generations responsibility to figure this out fast so we can teach our sons to understand our daughters.

But wait, there is help. It is why I developed the concept of ego-RHYTHM which will help us to understand and resolve much of this unhappiness. Once we wean ourselves from the having-to-do-it-all-at -once idea but accept that we have to set priorities we’ll do better. Yes, I know you have heard this before. But- ego-RHYTHM is different. It is not just a smarty pants idea. Ego-RHYTHM helps you to discover the current main main focus of your life. There are nine major ego-RHYTHM’s. First you figure out in which one you are and you allow that one rhythm to be your main focus point. The rest of your life still happens but you are consciously not trying to achieve perfection in all of them at once. The concept is hands on and can actually be implemented. KARL (know, accept, relax, live) is your quick fix to bring you back to the now. Women in the test group felt liberated, empowered and said they looked at their lives as more fulfilled just after reading the first draft. More than ever do I believe that the message couldn’t be timelier. There is nothing wrong with our lives. What if our happiness could be as simple as a new perspective?

Hang in there my ladies, girls and my hard working friends. Let them not tell us that we are so unhappy for no reason. Let’s tell “them” whomever “they” may be that with proper support and a public intolerance toward wishy washy employers, ex’s and this insane race to perfection we’d be doing a heck of a lot better. But we have to start with ourselves. “They” won’t do it for us. And we have to learn to stick together like glue and support each other. That is the one thing that we have not learned from men yet and I say it is about time that we figure out how to truly be there for each other.

And yes, I am making a point and yes, not all men are like that and not all women are like that either but than again you knew that…

When I looked at the pictures this image stood out. I still see her beautiful face glowing from the inside out. I kept thinking that this was so different from other weddings I had gone to. Instead of walking straight ahead toward the groom Ninaya took in much more.

It made me think about “Women Who Want It All” and how we so many times forget to stop and look at what is around us. Perhaps some of the greatest beauty could be found in the little gifts to our left and our right. Or as in the case of Ninaya through the support and love of her friends that she would have not seen would she not have stopped. Imagine what we can gain if we’d only realized how much support is all around us?

To that point just last week I was invited by my beautiful friend Nikki to a focus group. We were discussing an upcoming book by new author Sarah Brokaw (yes, it is Tom Brokaw’s talented daughter) who is writing a book called “Fortytude,” to be published by Hyperion in March 2010. An amazing group of very powerful and opinionated women had been invited and shared openly what our experiences are as we either have approached forty or are in the process of doing so.

Sarah posted the question to the mother of triplets (!!!) on how she would feel if someone gave her encouragement throughout one of these moments that have happened to the best of us. You know when our kids don’t quite behave the way we raised them – in public! The women were unsure and while at first they thought being ignored might be best eventually the thought of a heartfelt “I’ve been there, I remember, sometimes it’s tough” comment was eventually appreciated.

I was the mother with the oldest child and of course as usual had plenty to say. Now, with an almost seventeen year old who says nice things to me ever so often, I can see that Gina is becoming this powerful, strong and beautiful woman.  I can tell you and did tell them – you will be alright, you will get your life back and it will all make sense. If I only would have known that then, I would have stopped, smiled and much more graciously accepted the love and the support around me. I would have let go of my fear that I am not a good enough mother, too stressed out, unworthy to be loved and about another five thousand things. But I did not know, so I looked only straight ahead and kept my eyes peeled to the goal. Not that it didn’t work out for me – it did, but I would have had more fun on the way here.

It is all in my upcoming book “Women Who Want It All and Get It, Too” and it is coming soon. Today I read this article in the NY Times that yet another wonderful friend, Ruta Fox from Divine Diamonds has spotted out for me. It states that women happiness is at an all time low. The data is from a study that Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers just published called “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness.”

I am proud to say that I truly believe that my book will make a difference. I realize how much encouragement and support we need TODAY. There is so little out there even in the self help arena that makes us feel good about where we are. Instead I feel often inadequate when I read other books that point out all the stuff we still have to do to get “there.”

Stay posted, I am stopping now, looking to you and you, smiling, nodding and asking for more of your support to move my project forward. Send me your best energy so that we can find out soon who the lucky publisher will be. I dropped the proposals off with my literary agent and now the world will read my words, soon.

Please stop by on Thursday the 28th at Inspire Me Today. Gail Lynne Goodwin, the Ambassador of Inspiration interviewed me. Gail is about to set out on her Global Hug Tour. More to come soon.

Much support and still smiling,

Beate

While I did that I had one AHA moment and immediately set up a new photography business (check out the blog) which is doing just amazing.

In the meantime I had been to Mark Victor Hansen’s MEGA Book seminar as well. Heard Lisa Nichols and Barbara De Angelis speak who both blew me out of the water. They are truly amazing. When I heard Lisa speak and introduce her new book  I had another AHA moment.

You all know that I have been working on my book “Women Who Want It All and Get It, Too.” I am proud to say that I have secured a fabulous literary agent. For the longest time I thought about self-publishing but it is just too much for me to handle. My book proposal is about to be ready and we are out shopping for a good home. It is time for you to send me good energy for that part of the journey. I know that the book will be published, it is a fact that never has been in question for me, but I want the right publisher who will put some marketing power behind it.

My book is about recognizing and identifying timing in your life in the simplest of words. Ego-RHYTHM says that we all have a personal rhythm and during our defining years each rhythm represents a main theme in our life. There are nine ego-RHYTHM’s that I have identified, which are, Career/Education, Friends/Family, Health, Relationship/Love, Mom, Personal Cause/Crusade, Transition, Zen/Faith, Me.

The purpose of knowing which rhythm you are in is crucial to a happier life. Why? Because if you know that, let us say the health ego-RHYTHM is the main event right now, you can give yourself permission to focus on that – your health. And while that goes on you allow the rest of your life to happen but with a clear focus on what you have identified as the most important event in your life.

We as women stress out that we can’t seem to fit into our lives what should fit. Family, love, career, success and finally where is you in all of this? Why is it so difficult to find happiness? Because there is always something that we could have done better or more of. My mission is to empower you. I want you to find that happiness every day by allowing yourself to be focused on one big thing, the main event and letting everything else just BE until it is time to focus attention on one of the other ego-RHYTHMs in your life.

My original idea was to get all kinds of contemporary luminaries to write about rhythms but when I heard Lisa speak it dawned on me. It is a book by a woman for women and about women – so I need all women to be involved. That brought me back to the drawing table. I want more than just a simple endorsement. I want to find the perfect chairwoman for each rhythm.

There are so many great spiritual thought leaders and all of them have one particular area of focus. For example there is the amazing Cyndi Dale whose book I just introduced on this blog. Cyndi is on the forefront of intuitive healing and known all over the world. She is the first confirmed chairwoman for the chapter on the ego-RHYTHM health.

Or there is the wonderful Gail Lynne Goodwin, The Ambassador of Inspiration who is putting together her global hug tour. She IS the example for the ego-RHYTHM personal cause/crusade. If you go to her amazing website you will find an interview by her with me amongst so many other great interviews with fabulous luminaries.

This is very exciting time for me and things are falling into place. The other day I ran into Charlie Gay, the founder of HUB, (one of the most amazing contemporary business models). Charlie offered to help me as well to find the right chairwoman for each ego-RHYTHM. Things are definitely heating up and I can’t wait to announce who is on board as participation is confirmed. And even just today Creative Business Strategist Anthony Benson contacted me. He works closely with Cyndi and offered his assistance and his connections to me as well. All of a sudden I feel energized once again and realize my time is now or as Barbara De Angelis said: The World Is Waiting For My Words.