Damn you awesome caterers >_<

So this week has been split between living in a hotel and camping out in my empty apartment which to be honest is just depressing as hell. It’s jacked up how much an empty home affects your mood. I remember being in the same sort of funk when I moved to SD initially. It’s totally like when you break up with your gf (or politically correct non-contractual spousal partner) and they take their stuff and move out and everything is all hollow and echo-y like your heart and there’s this void and maybe this Loreena McKennitt album will make the pain go away and…

Uh. Yeah. You get the idea.

Anyway in my efforts to keep busy I noticed I had 800+ photos on my phone and Holy Jesus did the camera roll ever take forever to open. I decided it was time to clean it out and spent um, 3 hours deleting the bad and blurry ones and archiving the naughty ones for ‘later review’. *wink*wink*nudge*nudge* I came across a lot of good memories- about 70ish- dating back over the last two years. Apparently my camera roll dated back to the week I came to San Diego to do some vacation / job hunting, which was exactly a week ago two years ago. Here’s a gallery of a few but check out the Flickr stream here. There’s actually like, captions and junk there on Flickr explaining them.

Two years ago today I was on vacation in San Diego. At the precise hour of this writing in fact I was in my interview of a certain large Japanese gaming company; it had been bumped from 11am to 8:30am and I was definitely still feeling the effects of splitting a bottle of Jack with Dorian and Spaz the night before. I wasn’t hungover and I wasn’t drunk, I was just really REALLY thirsty. We’re talking Saraha during the dry season here. So what if I did fall back in bed the first time I tried to get up; don’t judge me. The point is tipsy me apparently knocked it out of the park (or I was cheapest) and I got an offer before I flew home on my birthday two days from now.

I first visited San Diego probably close to 4 years ago now. I don’t remember what I was thinking when I flew in, but I do remember what I thought when I flew out; I knew beyond any doubt that I WOULD live here. San Diego clicked with me in ways I couldn’t fathom or explain. Everything looked somehow familiar and yet was glisteningshinywetnew at the same time, and that feeling that hasn’t dimmed in the slightest over the past two years. I’m perfectly content to sit at home reading while ocean breezes waft through the apartment, driving to work along the 101 with surfers as my fellow commuters, or even walking around downtown looking at the unwashed masses of humanity. I’ve never encountered such a diversity of experience in such a concentrated area- seals and sea lions basking 3 feet away from you in La Jolla, sharks and dolphins nosing you while surfing in North County, coyotes skirting you with their sideways walk out in the desert, the list goes on and on. Even after all the time I’ve spent here I MIGHT have seen maybe 10% of what there is to see here. The idea of moving and leaving it all behind was pretty lackluster to say the least.

Frankly it went way beyond just not appealing to me; I outright dreaded it with the cold shivering certainty that I’d hate it. It was the cold and clammy lump of iron dread coupled with the blind unreasoning panic that prehistoric man felt in the dark. I was grumpy and I certainly wasn’t sleeping well. I kept trying to reassure myself that it would be fine, that I would come down to visit San Diego on the weekends like that would somehow make it OK. It didn’t work of course; it was a repetitive mantra that was overlaid with an overpowering stench of fear and a subtle touch of desperation. Why was I so determinedly unhappy with this? Was it because it San Diego first city that I ever felt like I fit in, somewhere I could call home? As it turns out, that was pretty close to the truth- I had put down roots in San Diego in 2 short years which was something I hadn’t ever managed in 30 odd years while living in Alabama. Perspective is a bitch; this must be what most people went through when leaving home for the first time. Once I realized that everything began to make sense. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want to move up to the Bay Area, I felt safe and secure here and I didn’t want to give that up. I was more fighting mentally for that security and comfort than anything specific to San Diego. I was willfully locking myself in complacency, like the little kid with their eyes screwed up tight and fingers in their ears singing at the top of their lungs.

I like to think that’s not me. While I don’t espouse change for the sake of change, I don’t think we as human beings can grow without constant change and stimulation. We should fear stagnation in our lives; it’s an insidious rot that erodes you from the inside out and we’re generally incapable of seeing it in ourselves until it’s too late. I made the conscious decision to embrace this move as a chance for that and haven’t looked back. It might be a year, it might be for 10, but it’s a new experience and I want to learn from it and enjoy it to every extent I’m capable of. I’m trying to approach it with the same outlook and enthusiasm as I did moving here and it’s working. I’ve already got stuff lined up to do in September and October, including trips to Yosemite, Monterrey Bay, San Francisco, scuba diving, and going out to see the giant redwoods. I’m sure there’s a Napa trip going to be wedged in there somewheres. *ahem*

My friends here are still my friends, just like my friends back in Alabama. I can easily come down to visit just like I go back to the South now. The mistake that I almost made is in assuming that my old life would be somehow closed to me now, and I don’t think it has to be like that. There are people who will write you off for sure- I saw that firsthand when I moved to San Diego originally. Some folks just take you leaving personally, like they’re only in your social circle due to physical proximity. I expect it’s some a heady cocktail of subconscious envy and feelings akin to betrayal. They’ll either get over it or not; so far in my limited experience it’s been roughly a 50% turnover rate.

Funny how life comes full circle. Why does it seem I always move on Labor Day? In two days I’ll be camping out in my apartment in San Diego with most of my worldly goods making the trip to Sunnyvale. In one week I’ll be on a sightseeing tour bus in San Francisco. In two weeks I’ll (hopefully) have started unpacking. With all that living to do, I should probably get out of this freezing Starbucks and start getting ready for the packers and movers huh?

This pic is a bit of an oldie- I took it about two years ago. The lion laying there with one foot in the air is somehow the epitome of laziness. I gotta say some days I’m jealous.

Something #1 – something old
I’m turning 33. Sweet Jesus Crimminey. The actual date is August 23rd, but due to Something #2, I’m probably having a gathering the weekend of the Aug 20th.

Something #2 – something new
Some people know, some don’t, but I’m relocating to Palo Alto in 3 short weeks. I’m still working for Playdom/Disney Interactive, the relocation is just an effort to cut down on the sheer amount of travel I’ve been doing for the past 8 months or so. I still plan to be in San Diego for at least a week of every month for a while. My combo going away/birthday bash will probably be the 20th.

Something #3 – something borrowed
I had an early exposure to photography (pun intended) in the 5th grade. For the past few years I’ve been using a Sony A100 DSLR I borrowed from Dad- as of last week, that’s changed! I’ve upgraded to a Canon 5D Mark 2, which is just…unbelievably sweet. The pics in the header up there come from it With the new camera also comes my new side gig as a freelance photographer which I’ll be talking about later.

Something #4 – something blue
Uh, at this point the theme fails me. The only things blue right now are:

• Me! I hate to leave San Diego behind!
• This sweet sweet panorama background you can download for free! If you like it, you can download the full size version all with some color variations here.

Tijuana to Temecula, from the top of Palomar Mountain

We’ll call it here for tonight- it’s a teaser post. I got lots to say on each of the subjects above but the laundry is done and it’s time to pack so I can fly out in the morning.

photo credit: Tawni Rae

Every year I make a list of things to do that year. I refuse to call them resolutions because no one ever does those anyway. I am slightly OCD and organized in life (otherwise I procrastinate horribly) but it’s written on a list, I’ma friggin do it. It’s a weird little compulsion that I’ve harnessed as a way to Get Shit Done(TM). At some point, an enterprising young woman will figure this out and try to write “propose to me” on a piece of paper and slip it to me. Meh. Might be easier than doing it on my own. At any rate my equivalence of resolutions is a public list of all the stuff I want to get done for the year. This year’s was actually not half bad. I was going to link it in this post to give an example of my weird to-do list mentality when I realized- holy crap, I’ve accomplished most of my list already. The year is barely half over and I’ve got like 2.5 items out of 10 to go.

So what does this have to do with anything? Other than pointing out to all you slackers how much I’ve done so far, I was going to announce that I took my first stab at surfing today and could cross it off the list. That’s when I noticed- it wasn’t even on the damn list. I had put it off in the past because I thought I wasn’t in good enough shape or coordinated enough (newsflash, I’m still not!) but the idea was still kicking around in the back of my mind. “Must be a bucket list item or something”, I thought. Not that I maintain one, or even like the idea of one mind you, but I’ve been kicking around the idea of learning ever since a friend offered to teach me. While we’re on the subject, had anyone even heard of the phrase before the Jack Nicholson movie came out? I certainly hadn’t and now it’s a cemented into everyone’s vocabulary to the point you couldn’t get it out with an Urban Dictionary sized crowbar. I’ve come to the decision that I hate this damn phrase and everything it represents.

Because it makes people lazy, that’s why.

Life is about goals people. Wait, no, I take that back. Life is about having and accomplishing your goals. This “bucket list” bullshit encourages people to put their desires on a magical list and get to it before they die. It’s the ultimate New Year’s resolution / procrastinator bastard love child. It’s resolutions for lazy people- don’t worry about accomplishing them this year, you have your whole life. You don’t need that kind of pressure man!

F that. I got junk to do and no magical “eventually” wish list is going to make it happen for me. There is a list, it is short, it has an expiration date, and shit is getting done man. Each year’s list builds off the previous years. Bucket list. Whatever.

And yeah, I’m going surfing against next weekend. Probably every weekend from here on actually, until I can actually manage to stay upright on the board for longer than 0.2s. I will however be buying a rashguard because right now my chest looks like a slab of raw meat.

I really need to make better lists. 2010′s already needs more stuff on it.

Peace out!

(heh, I said rectify.)

First things first: let me start by telling you who I am NOT talking about. I am not talking about the homeless, the unfortunate, the downtrodden, the Girl Scouts, the Shriners, or the poor. I’m not saying that each of these are not worthy causes, or that they don’t do great things. They do. Who I am talking about, is you. Yes. you. All of you reading this, but you in particular. Don’t look behind you because there’s no one there. I’m talking to you so pay attention. I’m writing about this nasty little trend of “my life is not my fault”, aka the Cult of No Responsibility, that seems to be taking over our society. It’s time to quit being whiny wonders and start taking responsibility for both the good and the bad parts of your life. It can be overt or it can be insidious; it can be intentional or unknowing, but one way or another everyone out there (including you and me) have at some point tried to escape blame for something. I’m here to say stop. Stoppit right now.

It’s sometimes difficult to know when you’re one of these people. Quite often it takes a dramatic life event to shake your world view enough to make you realize what you’re doing. Mine happened in 2004; I ended up spending 10 days in jail because I was basically a dumbass. I went through life running from my problems instead of taking care of them and tried to hide. When everything finally caught up to me I had time to sit, figure out what I was doing wrong, and decide how to fix it. Ever since then my personal mantra has been that you can’t take credit for your successes without also taking credit for your failures. If I see the former without the latter I’m immediately on my guard in either a personal or professional setting. On the flip side of this, you can go too far and be paralyzed by the “it’s all my fault” syndrome. I’ve made a list here of the little rules that I’ve learned over the last six years so hopefully it helps someone out by posting it here too.

• Nearly everything in your life is under your direct control. Events themselves may not be results of your direct choice, but 99% of the time you made a choice that put you on this path.
• Understand that while your choices put you in a situation, your choices can also take you out of it too. Sure, your sucky life may be all your fault and you know it. But as you put yourself there you have to be the one to pull yourself out too.
• Admit your mistakes. People will generally help you work through it and you’ll probably learn something new to boot. This generally only works once per person. Abuse it and you’ll lose what friends and family you have left.
• If you DO make a mistake, don’t try to cover it up. It invariably backfires and you look worse than ever.
• There is no such thing as luck. I have heard so many times how lucky I am. Let’s set the record straight: I was not born clutching a winning lottery ticket. I grew up strictly low-middle middle class. My dad often worked multiple jobs to provide for us, and my mom worked too as soon as we were old enough. My sisters and I worked around the house, had jobs as soon as we turned 16, and were expected to bring home good grades too. Everything I’m good at today, from my job expertise to my friend making ability to my fitness level I’ve had to work my ass off for. The only thing in life that I’ve EVER had without working for is my limited ability to draw.
• There is no such thing as talent. There IS such a thing called inclination. Nature and nurture can combine together in weird ways to give someone a formative edge over someone else in niche xyz. The biggest thing that comprises that which is commonly referred to as talent is “time vested”. Also known as practice. Using my ability to draw I mentioned above, it’s nothing more than a trick of good hand / eye coordination, my brain acts like a photocopy machine. To this day I can’t sit down and draw things out of my head.
• The expedient thing and the right thing are seldom the same thing.
• You HAVE to try new things. Always. How else do you know what you’ll enjoy? I’m horrible at writing but I keep plugging away here because it’s cathartic, and I think I’m getting better. My website traffic is going up to, so that seems to be a good sign.

Further good reads on this topic:
How to be Resilient – Part 1 : The Art of Manliness
Bosting Your Resiliency – Part 2 : The Art of Manliness

So what brought all this on? It’s a long story at this point but I’ve discovered it’s not an uncommon phenomenon in the tech world. Whether your IT or IS (ie, computer guy or programmer), there is such a wealth of knowledge and specialization that it’s easy to be tempted to cover your mistakes. IT in general is a high pressure career vs the old days circa 2000; no longer gods, IT people are leashed to the MBAs of the world and can’t treat everyone as a “n00b”. There will always be someone better and/or cheaper than you, so at the end of the day it’s your people skills and respect that are the ONLY things that will save you (and your job).

Click here to download. You probably wanna right-click save as.