ELearners Portal

70 MOTIVATIONAL SUCCESS QUOTES

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Sun, 21 Aug 2016 08:21:00 -0700

SUCCESS QUOTES

1. Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. ~Winston Churchill

2. Opportunities don't happen, you create them. ~Chris Grosser

3. I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~Thomas A. Edison

4. If you don't value your time, neither will others. Stop giving away your time and talents- start charging for it. ~Kim Garst

5. A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. ~David Brinkley

6. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you. ~Lolly Daskal

7. Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ~Lolly Daskal

8. Knowledge is being aware of what you can do. Wisdom is knowing when not to do it. ~Anonymous

9. There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: those who are afraid to try and those who are afraid you will succeed. ~Ray Goforth

10. The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary. ~Vidal Sassoon

11. The function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers. ~Ralph Nader

12. If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. ~ Jim Rohn

13. Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time. ~George Bernard Shaw

14. Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable. ~Theodore N. Vail

15. It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation. ~Herman Melville

16. If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.~Abraham Maslow

17. You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives.~Clay P. Bedford

18. It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.~Epictetus

19. “If you don’t value your time, neither will others. Stop giving away your time and talents. Value what you know & start charging for it.”~Kim Garst

20. “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.”

21. “You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”~Albert Einstein

22. “The best way to succeed in this world is to act on the advice you give to others.”

23. Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value. ~Albert Einstein

24. Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

25. Sooner or later you have to make achoice .. .leave behind your passion,yourdream - or have the strength to lookpast all discouraging faces and look atyourslef and know that you have whatit takes.. and you will prove them wrong- Kel –

26. Nothing can stop the man with the right mentalattitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earthcan help the man with the wrong mental attitude.-Thomas Jefferson

27. A failure is a man who has blundered, but is notable to cash in on the experience.-Elbert Hubbard

28. I cannot give you the formula for success, but Ican give you the formula for failure--which is: Tryto please everybody.-Herbert Bayard Swope

29. "It is not the strongest of the speciesthat survive, nor the most intelligent, butthe one most responsive to change."Charles Darwin

30. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."Eleanor Roosevelt

31. "There are two types of people who willtell you that you cannot make adifference in this world: those who areafraid to try and those who are afraidyou will succeed."Ray Goforth

32. "Start where you are. Use what youhave. Do what you can. "Arthur Ashe

33. "All progress takes place outside thecomfort zone."Michael John Bobak

34. "I don't know the key to success, but thekey to failure is trying to pleaseeveryone."Bill Cosby

35. "Though no one can go back and make abrand-new start, anyone can start fromnow and make a brand-new ending."CarlBard

36. "The first step toward success is takenwhen you refuse to be a captive of theenvironment in which you first findyourself."Mark Caine

37. "If you genuinely want something, don'twait for it--teach yourself to beimpatient."Gurbaksh Chahal

38. "You can't connect the dots lookingforward; you can only connect themlooking backward. So you have to trustthat the dots will somehow connect inyour future. You have to trust insomething--your gut, destiny, life, karma,whatever. This approach has never letme down, and it has made all thedifference in my life."Steve Jobs

39. "If you want to make a permanentchange, stop focusing on the size ofyour problems and start focusing on thesize of you!"T. Harv Eker

40. "Success does not consist in nevermaking mistakes but in never making thesame one a second time." George BernardShaw"Successful and unsuccessful people donot vary greatly in their abilities. Theyvary in their desires to reach theirpotential."John Maxwell

41. Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.-Albert Einstein.

42. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.-Albert Einstein.

43. Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.-Albert Einstein.

44. The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.-Albert Einstein

45. Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are just better at hiding it than others-Will Smith.

46. Money and success don't change people; they merely amplify what is already there.-Will Smith.

47. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.-Will Smith.

48. All of us do not have equal talent. But, all of us have an equal opportunity to develop our talents-Abdul Kalam.

49. Don’t read success stories, you will only get a message. Read failure stories, you will get some ideas to get success-Abdul Kalam.

50. Excellence is a continuous process and not an accident.-Abdul Kalam.

51. My message, especially to young people is to have courage to think differently, courage to invent, to travel the unexplored path, courage to discover the impossible and to conquer the problems and succeed. These are great qualities that they must work towards. This is my message to the young people.-Abdul Kalam.

52. Don't take rest after your first victory because if you fail in second, more lips are waiting to say that your first victory was just luck-Abdul Kalam.

53. All Birds find shelter during a rain.But Eagle avoids rain by flying above the Cloud . Problems are common, but attitude makes the difference-Abdul Kalam.

54. Life is a difficult game. You can win it only by retaining your birthright to be a person.-Abdul Kalam.

55. Let us sacrifice our today so that our children can have a better tomorrow.-Abdul Kalam.

56. Man needs his difficulties because they are necessary to enjoy success.-Abdul Kalam.

57. Climbing to the top demands strength, whether it is to the top of Mount Everest or to the top of your career.-Abdul Kalam.

58. Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.-Abraham Lincoln.

59. And in the end it's not the years in your life that count; it's the life in your years.-Abraham Lincoln.

60. I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn't have the heart to let him down...-Abraham Lincoln.

61. If you can't make it good, at least make it look good.-Bill Gates.

62. Don't compare yourself with anyone in this world...if you do so, you are insulting yourself.-Bill Gates.

63. I studied everything but never topped.... But today the toppers of the best universities are my employees.-Bill Gates.

64. Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.-Bill Gates.

65. In a gentle way, you can shake the world-Mahatma Gandhi.

66. A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.-Mahatma Gandhi

67. “There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” -Colin Powell, U.S. General

68. “The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.” -Theodore Roosevelt, 26th U.S. President

69. “Success … is no longer a simple ascension of steps. You need to climb sideways and sometimes down, and sometimes you need to swing from the jungle gym and establish your own turf somewhere else on the playground.” -Reid Hoffman, Founder of LinkedIn

70. “Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it.”~Winston Churchill

Do you know a good success quote? add it in a comment box below!

Secrets Of Success, Principles from How To Win Friends And Influence People By Dale Carnegie

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Sun, 21 Aug 2016 08:10:00 -0700

Secrets Of Success

Principles from How To Win Friends And Influence People By Dale Carnegie

How to Become a Friendlier Person

1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

4. Become genuinely interested in other people.

5. Smile.

6. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

8. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

9. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Begin in a friendly way.

Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of

Appeal to the nobler motives.

Dramatize your ideas.

Throw down a challenge.

As a Leader

Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Let the other person save face.

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Fundamental Principles for Overcoming Worry

Live in “day tight compartments.”
How to face trouble:

a. Ask yourself, “What is the worst that can possibly happen?”

b. Prepare to accept the worst.

c. Try to improve on the worst.

3. Remind yourself of the exorbitant price you can pay for worry in terms of your health.

Basic Techniques in Analyzing Worry

Get all the facts.

Weigh all the facts — then come to a decision.

Once a decision is reached, act!

Write out and answer the following questions:

a. What is the problem?

b. What are the causes of the problem?

c. What are the possible solutions?

d. What is the best possible solution?

How to Break the Worry Habit Before It Breaks You

Keep busy.

Don’t fuss about trifles.

Use the law of averages to outlaw your worries.

Cooperate with the inevitable.

Decide just how much anxiety a thing may be worth and refuse to give it more.

Don’t worry about the past.

How to Cultivate a Mental Attitude that will Bring You Peace and Happiness

Fill your mind with thoughts of peace, courage, health and hope.

Never try to get even with your enemies.

Expect ingratitude.

Count your blessings — not your troubles.

Do not imitate others.

Try to profit from your losses.

Create happiness for others.

Don't Worry about Criticism

Remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment.

Do the very best you can.

Analyze your own mistakes and criticize yourself.

Prevent Fatigue and Worry and Keep Your Energy and Spirits High

Rest before you get tired.

Learn to relax at your work.

Protect your health and appearance by relaxing at home.

Apply these four good working habits:

a. Clear your desk of all papers except those relating to the immediate problem at hand.

b. Do things in the order of their importance.

c. When you face a problem, solve it then and there if you have the facts necessary to make a decision.

d. Learn to organize, deputize and supervise.

Put enthusiasm into your work.

Don’t worry about insomnia.

Foundation Academic Merit Scholarships, UK 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:52:00 -0700

Foundation Academic Merit Scholarships, UK 2016

University of Birmingham is pleased to offer foundation academic merit scholarships for undergraduates starting in September 2016. Applicants from all around the world are eligible to apply for these scholarships. The main objective of the university is to provide high quality, comprehensive educational and training opportunities that are compatible to changing needs of the students. Birmingham is constantly developing and evolving in its desire to become a leading global university. This is being achieved through their enhanced research power and reach; the distinctiveness of their exceptional student experience; the breadth and depth of their academic portfolio; their size and the extent of their global networks. In order to undertake a programme of study here at the University, applicants will need to demonstrate that a suitable level of English proficiency. They can demonstrate their level of English with IELTS/TOEFL/PTE or alternative qualifications.

Scholarship is awarded for undergraduate programme.
Scholarship is available learn any of the courses offered by the university.
The Academic Merit Scholarship award is for £3,000 towards tuition fees for the one year full-time Foundation programme at the University, starting in September 2016.

Eligibility Criteria:

To be eligible to apply for an Academic Merit Scholarship, applicants must meet the conditions below:

Candidates should have accepted their Foundation offer from the university and have submitted a scholarship application by 30 June 2016
Candidates should not be in receipt of any other internal or external scholarship, funding or sponsorship.
Meet the academic conditions of your offer to the programme.
Start their studies at the University in September 2016
Be classed by the University as an overseas fee payer for tuition fee payment, and should be able to fund the remaining costs of your studies at Birmingham from other sources.

Eligible Nationalities: Applicants from all around the world are eligible to apply for this scholarship.

Entrance Requirements:

Candidates should have accepted their Foundation offer from the university and have submitted a scholarship application by 30 June 2016.

English language Requirements:

In order to undertake a programme of study here at the University, applicants will need to demonstrate that a suitable level of English proficiency. They can demonstrate their level of English with IELTS/TOEFL/PTE or alternative qualifications. The sections below will tell them what grades they need in these qualifications for the subject area they want to study. Please note that English tests/qualifications normally need to have been taken within two years of the start date of their programme.

Documents Required:

The online application form includes general questions about your academic background and includes short, essay-style questions (250 word limit) about academic and extra-curricular achievement. Students who firmly accept their offer will be eligible, shortlisted on the basis of academic merit and selected based on their answers to the essay-style questions.

Application Procedure:

The mode of application is online.

Application Form

Deadline:

The deadline for applications to the scholarship is 30 June 2016.

Scholarship Link

SMART Scholarship Programme, Singapore 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:48:00 -0700

SMART Scholarship Programme, Singapore 2016

Applications are invited for SMART scholarship programme for postdoctoral research for the year 2016. International applicants are eligible to apply for this scholarship programme. As a leading research hub in Asia, SMART aims to identify and carry out research on critical problems of societal significance and develop innovative solutions through its interdisciplinary research groups (IRGs). The Singapore-MIT Alliance for Research and Technology (SMART) is a major research enterprise established by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) in partnership with the National Research Foundation of Singapore (NRF) in 2007. SMART is the first entity in the Campus for Research Excellence and Technological Enterprise (CREATE) developed by NRF. One note for all non-native English speakers who wish to study abroad in Singapore: in order to be accepted by a college or university for study in Singapore, Applicants will need to present a proof of language proficiency. It means they have to pass an official language test (for example – TOEFL or IELTS).

Scholarship is available for pursuing Postdoctoral programme.
Scholarship is awarded to learn any of the courses offered.
The awards provide an annual salary of up to S$90,000, a research grant of up to S$40,000, and a travel allowance of up to S$5,000.
SMART scholarship programme, Singapore

Eligibility Criteria:

The following criteria must be met in order for applicants to be eligible for this scholarship:

These awards will provide a unique opportunity for recent or soon to be Ph.D. graduates to participate in the Singapore-MIT Alliance for Research and Technology (SMART) Centre in Singapore, and to become members of an alumni network that we anticipate will continue to evolve and expand over the years.
The awards, to be given annually, are open to those with less than three years postdoctoral experience and provided they have received their doctoral degree by September 1, 2016. The fellowship recipient would be able to conduct research of his/her own choice in Singapore within, but not necessarily tied closely to, a current project in one of the five existing SMART Interdisciplinary Research Groups (IRGs). It is anticipated that the recipients will take up their appointments at SMART by September 1, 2016 or earlier.

Eligible Nationalities:

International applicants are eligible to apply for this scholarship programme.

Entrance Requirements:

These awards will provide a unique opportunity for recent or soon to be Ph.D. graduates to participate in the Singapore-MIT Alliance for Research and Technology (SMART) Centre in Singapore, and to become members of an alumni network that we anticipate will continue to evolve and expand over the years.

English language Requirements:

It’s important to know that English is the official language of instruction in Singapore, so all international students who wish to study abroad in Singapore can expect courses taught in English. One note for all non-native English speakers who wish to study abroad in Singapore: in order to be accepted by a college or university for study in Singapore, Applicants will need to present a proof of language proficiency. It means they have to pass an official language test (for example – TOEFL or IELTS).

Documents Required:

Applicants have to submit the following documents along with the application form:

Curriculum Vitae not to exceed 2 pages.
Complete list of publications. Also include one copy each of not more than three of their publications that they consider to represent their best work.
A description of the research project applicants propose to conduct at SMART, including some background/context, technical approach and anticipated results (no more than two pages).
Indicate the SMART Interdisciplinary Research Group (IRG) in which they would like to conduct their research. To find out more information on the projects within the IRGs, click on the links below:
BioSystems and Micromechanics (BioSyM)
Center for Environmental Sensing and Modeling (CENSAM)
Future Urban Mobility (FM)
Infectious Diseases (ID)
Low Energy Electronic System (LEES)
Identify an MIT faculty member who belongs to SMART who applicants feel could best provide mentoring and guidance for their proposed research topic.
Provide a brief description of why they want to conduct their research at SMART in Singapore. Include some indication of how the proposed research might benefit from being conducted in Singapore, and/or how it might promote collaboration between SMART faculty members from MIT, the National University of Singapore (NUS) and the Nanyang Technological University (NTU).
Describe their long-term career goals and the role of this postdoctoral experience in achieving them, including future plans for collaborative activities (no more than ½ page).
Provide three professional recommendation letters. One must be from their doctoral supervisor and the other two from persons qualified to comment on their scholarly achievements. The letter must be prepared using the company’s official letterhead, sent electronically to Ms. Jocelyn Sales at jsales-at-mit.edu. If additional information is needed, SMART will contact applicants references directly.
Please provide the selection committee with any additional information that they feel will be helpful to the committee in assessing their application.
If applicants are interested in the Joint post-doc programme with SUTD:
Applicants can include in their research statement the propose research project within SMART that closely aligns with the research being conducted at the International Design Centre (IDC) at SUTD.
Identify a SUTD faculty mentor with links to the IDC, (in addition to the SMART-MIT Investigator) whom they feel could best provide mentoring and guidance for their proposed research topic.

Application Procedure: The mode of application is online.

Application Form

Deadline: The application period is from February 1 through April 15, 2016. Successful applicants will be notified by email sometime during the first or second week of June 2016.

Scholarship Link

University of Edinburgh Drever Trust MSc Scholarships, UK 2016-2017

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:46:00 -0700

University of Edinburgh Drever Trust MSc Scholarships, UK 2016-2017

Drever Trust MSc scholarship is available for students from any country within the School of Philosophy, Psychology and Language Sciences at University of Edinburgh. Scholarship is available for pursuing master’s degree (MSc) program. The main objective of the university is to provide high quality, comprehensive educational and training opportunities that are compatible to changing needs of the students. The University of Edinburgh is the sixth oldest university in the English-speaking world and one of Scotland’s ancient universities. The University’s mission is the creation, dissemination and curation of knowledge. Applicants must be liable for the overseas rate of tuition fee. Students of every nationality are required to prove their English language competence.

Scholarship is available for pursuing master’s degree (MSc) program.
Scholarship is awarded in Psychology within the School of Philosophy, Psychology and Language Sciences.
This scholarship covers fees at the UK/EU level.

Eligibility Criteria:

The following criteria must be met in order for applicants to be eligible for this scholarship:

The scholarship is open to applicants from any country, who are of high academic merit and lack adequate funding to undertake the degree.
A small additional amount may also be available to contribute to research costs. This amount may vary.

Eligible Nationalities:

Students of any country are eligible to apply for this MSc scholarship.

Entrance Requirement:

Candidates must have, or expect to obtain, a UK first class or 2:1 Honours degree at undergraduate level or the international equivalent.

Test Requirement: No

English Language Requirements:

All students of every nationality are required to prove their English language competence. Even native-speakers of English must demonstrate that they meet our minimum language requirements to gain entry to the university. University accepts all of the English language qualifications for entry to the university, including IELTS qualifications from any IELTS test centre. Applicants who require an IELTS test as part of an application for degree-level studies may take this test at any IELTS centre.

Documents Required:

Whilst completing these application applicants will be asked to provide the following:

Their personal details;
Details of any degrees they hold or expect to hold;
A personal statement of no more than 300 words;
Any additional information that you believe would assist us in evaluating your application;
Details of any other scholarships or awards you hold or have held.

Application Procedure

The mode of application is online.

Application Form

Deadline:

All applications must be submitted no later than 2nd May 2016.

Scholarship Link

Scholarships for Masters Level in BSMS Global Health , UK 2016-2017

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:43:00 -0700

Scholarships for Masters Level in BSMS Global Health , UK 2016-2017

Brighton and Sussex Medical School (BSMS) is inviting applications for Global Health scholarships for masters degree. UK/EU and international applicants can apply for the scholarships. The BSMS MSc in Global Health gathers students from a wide range of backgrounds. The scholarships are funded by BSMS, and confirm the emergence of the Global Health department as a national and international leader in global health research, practice and PG study. The BSMS Global Health scholarships are awarded on the basis of academic and/or professional merit and financial need. Applicants must have a minimum score of 7, with no less than 6.5 in each section.

Scholarship is available for masters degree programme.
Scholarship is tenable in global health.
The scholarship provides two £2,500 awards towards tuition fees to UK and EU students or one £5,000 award towards tuition fees to International (non-UK/EU) students.

Eligibility Criteria:

The scholarship provides towards tuition fees to UK and EU students or one award towards tuition fees to International (non-UK/EU) students.
Applicants must first apply for admission to the MSc in Global Health course

Eligible Nationalities:

UK/EU and international applicants can apply for the scholarships.

Entrance Requirement:

A first- or upper second-class undergraduate honours degree or equivalent in any Global Health-related subject (e.g. anthropology, development studies, sports, nursing, political sciences, psychology, pharmacy, etc.) or the successful completion of at least three years’ basic medical science at a UK medical school (having gained at least 360 credits).

Test Requirement: No

English Language Requirements:

Applicants must have a minimum score of 7, with no less than 6.5 in each section.

Documents Required: Required documents are:

CV
Personal statement
References

Application Procedure:

The mode of applying is electronically.

Application Form

Deadline:

The application deadline is 30 June 2016.

Scholarship Link

2016 Developing Countries FSC Short-term Scholarship , Germany

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:40:00 -0700

2016 Developing Countries FSC Short-term Scholarship , Germany

Food Security Center (FSC) is inviting applications for short-term scholarships open to postdoctoral and PhD students from developing countries or developed countries. These scholarships are offered to conduct their research and career at the University of Hohenheim. Women are explicitly encouraged to apply for a scholarship. The scholarships aim at increasing their previously gained scientific knowledge and skills relevant to food security-related issues. Finally, FSC aims at establishing an active, long-lasting collaboration with the supported researchers and their home institutions through an interactive alumni-network. The Food Security Center (FSC) is a university center of excellence in development collaboration at the University of Hohenheim, Stuttgart, Germany. Applicant must have excellent proficiency in oral and written English.

Scholarships are available to conduct their research and career at the University of Hohenheim.
Scholarships are available for students interested in an interdisciplinary and international (post-) graduate education in food security relevant issues. There are certain topics provided by the Faculties of Agricultural Sciences, Natural Sciences and Business, Economics and Social Sciences from which the applicants have to select as their doctoral research topic when they are applying for the scholarship.
List of Subjects: Sociology of Agriculture and Food, Agricultural Engineering, Nutrition and Health, Biological Chemistry and Nutritional Science and Economics
The scholarship includes award for a stay at the University of Hohenheim in Stuttgart, Germany.
Postdoctoral students:-The monthly grant is EUR 2.150
-Travel costs to and from Stuttgart will be covered
PhD students:-The monthly grant is EUR 1,000
-In addition, FSC pays for traveling to and from Hohenheim
-Proofed costs for a health and liability insurance will be refunded for an amount up to EUR 100
-Successful applicants can select from the regular course catalogues of the international MSc and PhD study programs offered by the University of Hohenheim (also including the courses offered in the PhD Program “Global Food Security”).

Eligibility Criteria:

In order to apply for scholarship, applicant must follow the given criteria:

Be able to conduct innovative research
Have excellent interpersonal skills and team spirit
Be able and willing to work well in an interdisciplinary, multicultural environment with individuals -from different scientific, societal and cultural backgrounds and with organizations from the public, private and civil society sector
Be available for the entire period of the research stay of 3 months
Be a national of developing country according to OECD DAC List

Eligible Nationalities: Applicants from developing countries of the OECD DAC List are eligible to apply.

List of Countries: Afghanistan, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Armenia, Angola, Kenya, Bolivia, Bangladesh, Tajikistan, Cape Verde, Benin, Zimbabwe, Cameroon, Bhutan, Congo, Burkina Faso, Ivory Coast, Burundi, Egypt, Cambodia, El Salvador, Central African Republic, Georgia, Chad, Ghana, Comoros, Guatemala, Democratic Republic of the Congo, Guyana, Djibouti, Honduras, Equatorial Guinea, India, Eritrea, Indonesia, Ethiopia, Kosovo, Gambia, Kyrgyzstan, Guinea, Micronesia, Guinea-Bissau, Moldova, Haiti, Mongolia, Kiribati, Morocco, Lao People’s Democratic Republic, Nicaragua, Lesotho, Nigeria, Liberia, Pakistan, Madagascar, Papua New Guinea, Malawi, Paraguay, Mali, Philippines, Mauritania, Samoa, Mozambique, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, Swaziland, Nepal, Syrian, Arab Republic, Niger, Tokelau, Rwanda, Ukraine, Sao Tome and Principe, Uzbekistan, Senegal, Vietnam, Sierra Leone, West Bank and Gaza Strip, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Sudan, Sudan, Tanzania, Timor-Leste, Togo, Tuvalu, Uganda, Vanuatu, Yemen and Zambia

Entrance Requirement:

PhD students must be currently enrolled in a doctoral program and postdoctoral students must have PhD degree in agriculture, nutritional, natural, social, economic or political sciences, or related disciplines with specification on food security related issues.

Test Requirement: No

English Language Requirement:

Applicant must have excellent proficiency in oral and written English.

Documents Required:

The following documents must be submitted in English:

Checklist/Guideline
Abstract of Master/Diploma Thesis
PhD Research Proposal
Recommendation Letter 1
Recommendation Letter 2

Application Procedure: Eligible applicants should complete an online scholarship application.

Scholarship for Postdoctoral students

Scholarship for PhD students

Deadline: The application deadline is April 11, 2016.

Scholarship Link

Exercise & Health Physiology: Fully Funded PhD Studentship, UK 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:38:00 -0700

Exercise & Health Physiology: Fully Funded PhD Studentship, UK 2016

Swansea University offers fully funded PhD Studentship in Exercise & Health Physiology for 2016-2017 academic session. UK/EU and international applicants can apply for the studentship. University offers a number of general and subject-specific funding schemes. The aim of the scholarships is to attract the best and most motivated people to Swansea University. Swansea University has a clear vision to be a research-led university of international quality. Applicants must prove their knowledge of the English language when applicants apply. This usually means passing a secure English language test (SELT).

Studentship is provided for PhD studies at Swansea University.
PhD studentship is available within Exercise & Health Physiology:
Investigating the Measurement of Physical Activity and its Impact on Quality of Life in Youth with Cystic Fibrosis
The studentship covers the full cost of UK/EU tuition fees, plus a tax free stipend of £14,052 p.a. International students will receive £4000 towards the cost of their tuition fees.

Eligibility Criteria:

Candidates should have an MSc degree and an undergraduate degree (2:1 or above) in Sport, Exercise & Health Sciences, Medicine and/or Physiology. Candidates will be considered from both a quantitative and qualitative background. Candidates will also need to be able to demonstrate:

Experience of working with human participants, preferably patient groups;
Experience of multidisciplinary knowledge/problem solving;
Ability to work with qualitative and quantitative data;
Experience working with large data sets and data management
This studentship is open to UK, EU and international applicants.

Eligible Nationalities:

UK/EU and international applicants can apply for the studentship.

Entrance Requirement:

Candidates should have an MSc degree and an undergraduate degree (2:1 or above) in Sport, Exercise & Health Sciences, Medicine and/or Physiology.

Test Requirement: No

English Language Requirements:

Applicant must prove your knowledge of the English language when you apply. This usually means passing a secure English language test (SELT).

Documents Required: To apply, please send their:

CV
Covering letter
University transcripts
Names of two academic references

Application Procedure

The mode of applying is electronically.

Deadline

The deadline for applications is Friday 29th April 2016.

Scholarship Link

25 Postgraduate Scholarships at University of New England, Australia 2017

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:36:00 -0700

25 Postgraduate Scholarships at University of New England, Australia 2017

25 postgraduate scholarships have been offered by University of New England. The scholarship is for applicants from those countries where English is not first language. Therefore IELTS test with 6.5 band with no band less than 6 will be required. The scholarship will be given for all courses taught in University. A scholarship of AU $26,000 per year tax free will be given to successful candidates. International applicants are eligible to apply. Applications should be submitted online and deadline for submission of application is 30 June 2016. The application process will open on 18th April.

Eligibility Requirement:

Academic Qualification: Up to 25 UNE IPRA’s are available to outstanding applicants who wish to enrol in a postgraduate research degree at UNE

Eligible Nationalities: Students from countries where English is not primary language are eligible to apply.

Scholarship Test / Selection Criteria: Applications are assessed on academic merit and research potential

English Language Test Requirements: IELTS with 6.5 with no band less than 6.

Documents Required: See Online Application Application Form

Application Procedure: Apply Online.

Application Deadline: 30 June 2016

The University of New England is a public university in Australia with approximately 21,000 higher education students. Its original and main campus is located in the city of Armidale in northern central New South Wales.

Scholarship Link

Janet T Anderson PhD Scholarship 2016, University of St Andrew, UK

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:34:00 -0700

Janet T Anderson PhD Scholarship 2016, University of St Andrew, UK

University of St Andrews is delighted to offer PhD scholarship in any subject. Applicants of all nationalities are eligible to apply for this scholarship programme.

The main objective of the university is to provide high quality, comprehensive educational and training opportunities that are compatible to changing needs of the students.

Over the last 600 years, the University of St Andrews has established a reputation as one of the world’s leading research and teaching centers. Today, university offer a flexible degree structure based on their choice of subject specialism or research, creating an environment which nurtures inquisitive minds and a culture of shared learning.

Applicants whose first language is not English must provide evidence of English proficiency. This can be either an IELTS score of 7.0, a TOEFL score of 100 iBT, or a Cambridge CPE at grade C.

Course Level: Scholarship is available for pursuing PhD programme.

Study Subject: Scholarship is awarded to pursue any of the courses offered by the university.

Scholarship Award: One scholarship of £9,500 value will be paid towards tuition fees first. If the recipient’s tuition fees are less than the award value, the balance will be paid as maintenance.

Scholarship can be taken at: UK

Eligibility: The following criteria must be met in order for applicants to be eligible for this scholarship:
-There is no restrictions on Geographical criteria.
-There is no restrictions Domicile for fee status.
-Level of study is Postgraduate Research programme.
-Scholarship is awarded for Year of entry.
-There is no restrictions on level of Subjects.
-There is no restrictions Schools.

Nationality: Applicants of all nationalities are eligible to apply for this scholarship programme.

College Admission Requirement

Entrance Requirements: The degree of MD (Medicine) requires a medical qualification that is recognised by the UK General Medical Council.

English language Requirements: Applicants whose first language is not English must provide evidence of English proficiency. This can be either an IELTS score of 7.0, a TOEFL score of 100 iBT, or a Cambridge CPE at grade C.

Supporting Material: All applications must include the following supplementary documentation before a decision can be made:
-CV/résumé. This should include your personal details with a history of your education and employment to date.
-A research proposal
-A sample of academic written work in English
-Two original signed academic references.
-Academic transcripts and degree certificates. Please only send certified copies with official English translations if applicable. Do not send original documents as they cannot be returned.
-English language requirements certificate.
Research proposal
-Applicants intending to read for a PhD, DLang, or MPhil award should include an outline in English of not more than 500 words, with the following exceptions:
-1,000 words for applications to International Relations
-1,000 words for applications to the School of Philosophy
-2,000 words for applications to the Department of Film Studies. Please also provide a brief statement of purpose or personal statement.

How to Apply: This scholarship is available for application on the Scholarships and Funding Catalogue. If applicants have applied to a new course beginning in the 2016-2017 academic year, they will receive an email with instructions on how to access the catalogue. If applicants are a current student at St Andrews, you can access the catalogue through the scholarships and funding section on iSaint.

Application Form

Application Deadline: Scholarship application deadline is 28 April 2016.

Scholarship Link

Jim Duncan Scholarship, University of Aberdeen, UK 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:33:00 -0700

Jim Duncan Scholarship, University of Aberdeen, UK 2016

University of Aberdeen UK is offering Jim Duncan Scholarship for Undergraduate degree program. The Study programs will start in 2016 September. The scholarship is available for students of all nationality and irrespective of fee status. Scholarships are available for all full-time undergraduate areas of study, (MA, LLB, BSc, MSci, MChem, MPhys, MEng, BEng, BScEng, MBChB, BD, BTh, BEd, BMus), but not the PGDE or BA education programmes. Applications from medical students would be particularly welcome. Each scholarship is valued at £1,500 per annum. The scholarships shall initially be awarded for a two year period of the undergraduate course in order to give security to the scholar awarded. Thereafter, the scholar may apply to have the scholarship renewed on an annual basis. The scholarships will be awarded on the basis of financial need and academic potential.

Eligibility Requirements:

Academic Qualification : The Jim Duncan Scholarships are open to applicants who have decided to go to the University of Aberdeen to undertake an undergraduate degree starting in September 2016 after having had a break in their education, or who are resuming their undergraduate studies at the University after an interruption, and require financial assistance.

Eligible Nationalities: The scholarships are open for all applicants irrespective of Nationality and fee status.

Scholarship Test/ Selection Criteria: Not Known. See official website link below.

English Language Requirements: English language proficiency is assessed by referral to the following tests. IELTS Academic; TOEFL iBT TOEFL DI code is 0818; PTE Academic; Cambridge English Advanced & Proficiency.

Documents Required: Applicants have to provide the following details along with application form:

Personal details
Qualifications and grades awarded
Qualifications and predicted grades
Sponsorships, Scholarships and Prizes
Employment History
Relevant outside activities
Personal statement
Financial Circumstances.

Application Procedure: Submit your application and reference forms by post.

Application Form

Application Docs

Jim Duncan Scholarship Application Form 2016.doc

Jim Duncan Scholarship – Guidelines for Applicants 2016.doc

Jim Duncan Scholarship – Confidential Reference 2016.doc

Deadline: Scholarship application deadline is 20th of May 2016.

Scholarship Link

R&D Systems Scholarship in Science, USA 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:30:00 -0700

R&D Systems Scholarship in Science, USA 2016

Bio-Techne is awarding scholarship for international students to pursue a degree in a science related field. Scholarship is open for students worldwide. The main objective of R&D Systems is to provide high quality, comprehensive educational and training opportunities that are compatible to changing needs of the students. R&D Systems has been setting the standard in quality research reagents for over 30 years. R&D Systems is proud to support education in science with a scholarship program established to students who are pursuing a degree in a science related field.

Applicant must be proficient in English with a minimum TOEFL score of 78 iBT/547 PBT or an IELTS score of 6.5.
Scholarship is available for baccalaureate, graduate, associate degree or diploma program.
Scholarship is awarded in science related field.
One student will be selected to receive $1500 (or international currency equivalent) to use towards their education.

Eligibility Criteria:

The following criteria must be met in order for applicants to be eligible for this scholarship:

Applicants must have a major declared in a science related field.
Open worldwide.
Enrolled or accepted for enrollment (baccalaureate, graduate, associate degree, or diploma) with a declared major in a science related field.

Eligible Nationalities

Scholarship is open for students worldwide.

Entrance Requirements:

Applicants must enrolled or accepted for enrollment (baccalaureate, graduate, associate degree, or diploma) with a declared major in a science related field.

English language Requirements:

Applicant must be proficient in English with a minimum TOEFL score of 78 iBT/547 PBT or an IELTS score of 6.5

Documents Requirement:

Applicants have to submit the following documents along with application form:

Download and complete the scholarship application form
Submit a transcript of all college/post-secondary coursework (if high school student submit high school transcript).
Submit a written statement addressing the following topics:
Make a top ten list of their favorite emerging technologies.
Write a personal statement of 500 words or less on how they plan to use degree to further advance science in their field of interest.

Application Procedure:

Applicants have to submit their application and written statement to nb-scholarship-at-bio-techne.com by July 8, 2016 to be considered for the fall 2016 R&D Systems Scholarship.

Application Form

Deadline:

Deadline for this application is July 8, 2016. Finalist will be notified by July 22, 2016.

Scholarship Link

Chancellor’s Scholarship at School of Social Policy, Sociology and Social Research

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:27:00 -0700

Chancellor’s Scholarship at School of Social Policy, Sociology and Social Research

The School of Social Policy, Sociology and Social Research (SSPSSR) is pleased to offer Vice Chancellor’s Scholarships for UK and international students. Scholarships are available to pursue PhD programme. The applicant is required to have MA MSC degree in relevant subject. Ielts Academic score 7.0 is required. The Scholarship is available for PhD in Applied Psychology, Community Care, Criminology, Environmental Social Science, Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities, Mental Health, Migration Studies, Social Policy, Social Work and Sociology. Last date to apply is 27th April 2016. The scholarship covers tuition fees at the postgraduate standard home/EU rate (£4,052 per annum) in addition to an annual maintenance stipend of £14,057 per annum (for entry in September/October 2016 only).

University’s aim to provide an excellent education, delivered by world-class researchers and accomplished educators, to all those who have the ability and are ambitious and motivated to learn.

ELIGIBILITY REQUIREMENTS:

Academic Qualification: Applicant must have a 1st or good 2.1 undergraduate degree in a relevant subject, and ordinarily an MA or MSc at Merit or Distinction level.

Eligible Nationalities: Students of UK and Foreigners are eligible to apply

Scholarship Test/ Selection Criteria: No test is required. Selection will be based on criteria set by university.

English Language Requirement: Ielts Academic with 7.0 band with no band less than 6.5 is required.

DOCUMENTS REQUIRED:

Research proposal of approximately 2,000 words.
CV.
Two academic references (on official headed paper) that include:
- full name and status/title of referee.
- name, address and telephone number of their institution or place of work.
- details of referee’s relationship to the applicant.
- full name of the applicant.

Note: references from University of Kent academic staff may be emailed from their University email account. Under the UK Data Protection Act 1998, references received by the University may be disclosed to the applicant.

APPLICATION PROCEDURE: Eligible applicants should complete an online scholarship application.

Application Form

Deadline: The application deadline is 27th April, 2016.

Scholarship Link

Scholarships for Masters Students, University of London UK 2016-17

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Wed, 6 Apr 2016 13:26:00 -0700

SOAS, University of London is inviting applications for FDPS scholarships for international students. Scholarships are available for FDPS Pre-master’s and ICC Foundation students. The programme aims to familiarize students with the academic culture of British university education and to introduce students to further study in academic disciplines relevant to their chosen field of study. SOAS, University of London is the only Higher Education institution in Europe specializing in the study of Asia, Africa and the near and Middle East. SOAS is a remarkable institution. The English Language requirement for all SOAS, University of London postgraduate programmes is 60% overall in FDPS Academic English course, or the standard IELTS requirements.

Scholarships now available for FDPS Pre-master’s and ICC Foundation students at SOAS, University of London in UK.
Scholarship offered within the following Department/Faculty:
List of Subjects: Centre for International Studies and Diplomacy; Department of Financial and Management Studies; School of Law; Development Studies; History of Art and Archaeology; History; Centre for Gender Studies; Anthropology and Sociology; Centre for Media Studies; Interdisciplinary Area Studies Master’s; Department of the Languages and Cultures of Africa; Department of the Languages and Cultures of China and Inner Asia; Department of the Languages and Cultures of Japan and Korea; Department of the Languages and Cultures of the Near and Middle East; Department of the Languages and Cultures of South Asia; Linguistics; Centre for Cultural, Literary and Postcolonial Studies; Centre for Film and Screen Studies.
In 2016-17 University will be awarding six scholarships to students joining FDPS in September 2016. They will double the value of the scholarship to £2000 if you go on to a degree at SOAS starting in September 2017.

Eligibility Criteria:

The following criteria must be met in order for applicants to be eligible for this scholarship:

All students who apply for FDPS 2016-17 and accept an offer of a place before midnight (UK time) on 31 May 2016 (including the payment of a 10% deposit) will automatically be considered for a scholarship, except students who already hold an offer of a place at SOAS with no academic conditions at the time they apply for FDPS.
Scholarships will be awarded on academic merit and will be judged on the basis of the student’s university transcript and academic reference, English level, IFCELS entrance test (if taken) and interview performance. Scholarships will be awarded to students who are interested in postgraduate study at SOAS and who demonstrate the potential to achieve the entry requirements and to study successfully at postgraduate level.

Eligible Nationalities:

International students can apply for these masters’ scholarships.

Entrance Requirements

Applicants must have a Bachelor’s degree from a recognised institution in their own country or elsewhere. (If they have a three-year Diploma, they may in certain cases be considered for admission if they have substantial relevant work experience)

English language Requirements

The English Language requirement for all SOAS, University of London postgraduate programmes is 60% overall in FDPS Academic English course, or the standard IELTS requirements.

Document Requirements

Applicants have to submit the following documents along with the application form:

A certified copy of the candidate’s undergraduate transcript If applicable, a certified copy of the transcript of any further studies (e.g. PG diploma, masters, premasters) If available, a copy of the test score of any recognized English language exam (e.g. IELTS, Pearson PTE) A copy of your passport or, for EU applicants, national identity card Two passport-sized photographs.

Application Procedure

Applications should be submitted by post and email.

Application Form Link

Deadline

Scholarship application deadline is 31-May-2016.

Scholarship Link

PhD Studentships in the Rosta Group, UK 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Fri, 1 Apr 2016 01:00:00 -0700

Applications are invited for 4-year PhD studentships in the Rosta group at King’s College London, to start in September 2016. UK and international applicants can apply for these studentships. The Department of Chemistry at King’s College London provides excellent opportunities for postgraduate training in interdisciplinary research, including research seminars, studying in an exciting collaborative environment, and gaining valuable experience as a teaching assistant. King’s College London is a public research university located in London, United Kingdom and a constituent college of the federal University of London.

If applicants’ first language is not English they must be able to provide recent evidence that their spoken and written command of the English language is adequate for the programmes for which they have applied.

Degree Level: Studentships are available for pursuing PhD programme.

Study Subject: Studentships are awarded within the Department of Chemistry.

List of Subjects: Below is a list of available topics, with relevant literature:

Ab initio calculations of small molecule host-guest systems. Single-molecule strong coupling at room temperature in plasmonic nanocavities, Chikkaraddy et al, Nature (accepted) 2016. Light-regulated Molecular Trafficking in a Synthetic Water-soluble Host, Barrio et al, JACS Comm 2016.
Targeting Big Data: Statistical analysis of molecular trajectories. Free energies from dynamic weighted histogram analysis using unbiased Markov state model, Rosta et al, JCTC 2015
Biology of cancer: Using molecular dynamics simulations to reveal the MAPK pathway activation mechanisms. Phosphorylation of RAF Kinase Dimers Drives Conformational Changes that Facilitate Transactivation, Jambrina et al, Angewandte Chemie 2016

Scholarship Benefit: The studentships will be funded for 4 years, on a starting bursary at the standard research council rate (£16,296) per annum and tuition fees at the Home/EU rate. There is no provision for overseas student fees.

Participating Institution(s): UK

Eligibility Criteria: The studentships enable graduates with excellent honours degrees to undertake a four year training programme that integrates a research project with teaching experience plus training in research methods and transferable key skills. The student will spend approximately 75% of their time on cutting edge research and 25% on education, including teaching training.

Eligible Nationalities: UK and international applicants can apply for these PhD studentships.

Admission Requirement PhD Studentships in the Rosta Group, UK 2016

Entrance Requirement: A master’s degree is usually required with a CGPA of at least 3.0 out of 4.0.

Test Requirement: No

English Language Requirement: If applicant’s first language is not English applicants must be able to provide recent evidence that their spoken and written command of the English language is adequate for the programmes for which applicants have applied. The level of English language which the applicants are required to demonstrate is dependent upon the programme for which applicants have applied. The level of English required for each programme is denoted by a five-band system, each band corresponds to a level of English language competence.

Documents Requirement: To apply, please send a CV and a short statement of interest to Dr. Edina Rosta

Application Procedure: Applications should be sent via email to edina.rosta-at-kcl.ac.uk.

Application Deadline: Applications will be considered until May 1st.

Scholarship Link

More about PhD Studentships in the Rosta Group, UK 2016

King’s College London (informally King’s orKCL; formerly styled King’s College, London) is a public research university located in London, United Kingdom, and a constituent college of the federal University of London. King’s was founded in 1829 by King George IV and the Duke of Wellington and received its royal charter in the same year. On this basis, King’s claims to be the fourth oldest university in England,^[8] although student groups have laid claims to it being the third-oldest university.^[9]^[10] King’s became one of the two founding colleges of the University of London in 1836

PhD in Engineering, Optimization for Novel Material for advanced Manufacturing Scholarship at Cardiff University UK 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Fri, 1 Apr 2016 00:58:00 -0700

Cardiff University UK has offered PhD Studentship, open to students of all nationalities, in Engineering. The specialized field is Optimization for Novel Material for advanced Manufacturing. Applicant must hold a masters degree in Engineering. In case, English is not the first language of the applicant he or she will be required to demonstrate proficiency in English language (IELTS Academic with over all 6.5 band). Interested candidate should submit CV along with an application as covering letter. Last date to apply for scholarship is June 2016.

Eligibility Requirements:

Academic Qualification

Applicant should hold or expect to gain a first class or a good 2.1 MEng degree and/or an appropriate Master’s level qualification (or their equivalent) in a relevant subject area (engineering, physics, applied mathematics).

Eligible Nationalities

Students from all countries / Nationalities are eligible to apply for this scholarship. Students classified as international for fee purposes have to self-fund the difference between home and international fees.

Scholarship Test

Candidate is not required to undergo any test for qualifying for scholarship.

English Language Requirement

Applicants whose first language is not English will be required to demonstrate proficiency in the English language (IELTS 6.5 or equivalent).

Documents Required

CV
Application as covering letter
Academic References
Academic Transcripts

Application Procedure

you should submit a CV & Covering Letter to Engineering-PGR-at-Cardiff.ac.uk.

Deadline: 15th June 2016

Scholarship Link

PhD Electrical Engineering Scholarships at Cardiff University UK 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Fri, 1 Apr 2016 00:56:00 -0700

Cardiff University UK is Offering Scholarships in the discipline of Electrical engineering for Students intrested in doing PhD in mentioned subject. The scholarship will be awarded to all nationality students. Studentship is tenable in Electrical Engineering: Rapid Identification of Broadband and Efficient PA Modes.

Eligibility Requirements:

Academic Qualification

Candidates should hold or expect to gain a first class degree or a good 2:1 and/or an appropriate Master’s level qualification (or their equivalent).
Applicants whose first language is not English will be required to demonstrate proficiency in the English language (IELTS 6.5 or equivalent).

Eligible Nationalities

Students from all countries are eligible to apply.

Scholarship Test

No any test will be conducted

English Language Requirements

Applicants whose first language is not English will be required to demonstrate proficiency in the English language (IELTS 6.5 or equivalent).

Important Scholarships Links
UK Scholarships	Australia Scholarships	Canada Scholarships

Documents Required: Required documents are:

Applicants should should submit a CV & Covering Letter
Academic References
Academic Transcripts – where applicable, academic transcripts must be submitted with the online admissions application by the funding deadline.

Application Procedure:

Applicants should submit a CV & Covering Letter to Miss J Cleaver by emailing engineering-pgr-at-cardiff.ac.uk.
Shortlisted candidates will then be invited to submit a standard application for Postgraduate Study via the Online Application Service.

Deadline: The deadline for applications is 1st September 2016.

Scholarship Link

Cardiff is established as one of Britain’s leading universities. Its ambition is to be among the top 100 universities in the world and top 20 in the UK.

Partner Scholarship at University of Koblenz-Landau, Germany 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Fri, 1 Apr 2016 00:53:00 -0700

University of Koblenz-Landau is pleased to offer Partner Scholarship for 2016 entry. International students from partner universities (European and non-European) are eligible to apply for these scholarships to undertake MSc programme at the university. The primary aim of this scholarship is to support qualified international students financially during their first semester at the University of Koblenz-Landau so that they can settle in and get used to living and studying in Germany. The scientific profile of the University of Koblenz -Landau today is formed by the Educational Sciences, Humanities, Cultural, Social and Natural Sciences as well as Computer Science in Koblenz and psychology and environmental sciences in Landau.

Applicants must have achieved very good grades (GPA of 1.9 or better) in their previous studies. The Programme is conducted in English. Therefore good active and passive English language skills are essential.

Degree Level: Scholarship is available for pursuing master’s programmes (MSc) at the University of Koblenz-Landau.

Study Subject: Scholarship is offered MSc in diverse fields to help students in upgrading their education.

List of Subjects: Ecotoxicology (Landau); Environmental Sciences (Landau); Mathematical Modeling of Complex Systems (Koblenz); Chemistry and Physics of Functional Materials (Koblenz); Web Science (Koblenz).

Scholarship Benefit: Scholarship of 500 Euros per month will be awarded to the applicants.

Participating Institution(s): University of Koblenz-Landau, Germany

Eligibility Criteria: Applications are accepted from applicants who:

are not of German nationality,
are accepted at University of Koblenz-Landau for any master’s program, including one of the following international master’s programs:
M.Sc. Ecotoxicology (Landau)
M.Sc. Environmental Sciences (Landau)
M.Sc. Mathematical Modeling of Complex Systems (Koblenz)
M.Sc. Chemistry and Physics of Functional Materials (Koblenz)
M.Sc. Web Science (Koblenz)
start their studies in the winter semester 2016/17
have achieved good grades (GPA of 2,3 or better) in their previous studies
Applications are not accepted from students who…
are exchange students or short-term students at University of Koblenz-Landau
are registered only to acquire an academic certificate but not a full degree qualification
are of German nationality or who have completed their higher education entrance qualification or their under-graduate studies in Germany
receive BAföG payments
receive a full or partial scholarship from another organisation/institution.

Eligible Nationalities: International students (except German nationality) can apply for the scholarship.

Admission Requirement Partner Scholarship at University of Koblenz-Landau, Germany 2016

Entrance Requirements: Applicants must have achieved good grades (GPA of 2,3 or better) in their previous studies.

English language Requirements: The Programme is conducted in English. Therefore good active and passive English language skills are essential.

Document Requirements: In order to apply, please hand in the following application documents:

Properly completed, printed and signed application form
Copy of the Letter of Acceptance at University of Koblenz-Landau for winter semester 2016/17
CV (max. 2 pages)
Copy of passport or identity card
Please note that application can only be considered if applicant submit a properly completed application form along with all the required documents within the given deadline.

Application Procedure: The documents can be sent as an email attachment to the following email address: ishalaginova (at) uni-koblenz-landau.de. However, the original paper version of the application needs to be sent via mail in addition to the electronic version. Therefore, please send the application and all relevant documents by post.

Application Form

Deadline: Ongoing (the scholarship is given on the “first come, first served” basis).

Scholarship Link

More about Partner Scholarship at University of Koblenz-Landau, Germany 2016

The University of Koblenz and Landau(German Universität Koblenz-Landau) is a university located in Koblenz and Landau,Germany. It was founded in 1990.The University of Koblenz and Landau is one of the youngest universities in Germany. It was transformed from a teachers’ training college in 1990. Since then, new Departments and Institutes have been founded, new Degrees and Chairs have been created, while at the same time existing courses and research interests have been expanded. The university’s academic profile today is marked by a combination of Computer Science and Psychology together with the traditional Departments of Education, the Humanities, and Natural Science.

Joyce Nield Scholarship at Manchester Writing School UK

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 18:45:00 -0700

Scholarship for Masters in Creative Writing UK

Manchester Writing School, Manchester Metropolitan University is pleased to offer Joyce Nield Scholarship for students joining the programme in September 2016. The scholarship will assist a student from a non-UK Commonwealth country with the cost of an MA in Creative Writing.

The successful applicant will be expected to act as a “Masters Scholar” and make a modest, but important, contribution to the learning community of the Manchester Writing School.

International students will be required to demonstrate a sufficiently high standard of English language ability. In order to enter most postgraduate courses the English requirements are: IELTS 6.5, TOEFL 575, TOEFL computer-based 230.

Degree Level: Scholarship is available for pursing MA program whether for full- or part-time, on campus or online.

Subject Offered: Scholarship is awarded within the Department of English at Manchester Writing School.

List of Subjects: Creative Writing

Scholarship Benefits: The scholarship will be awarded to an applicant of outstanding potential and commitment, and will pay 50% of the tuition fees for the MA, whether for full- or part-time study, on campus or online.

Eligibility Requirments: To be considered for the scholarship, applicant should:
-Be a citizen of a non-UK Commonwealth country;
-Submit an application to the MA Creative Writing programme before 31st August 2016;
-Indicate at the top of your personal statement therein that you would like to be considered for the scholarship; (if you have already submitted an application and/or been offered a place for September 2016 entry, you can just let us know by email that you would like to be considered);
-Through your application to the MA demonstrate your eligibility, excellence, commitment, and potential.

Eligible Nationality: Citizen of a non-UK Commonwealth country can apply for this scholarship.

List of Subjects: Africa: Botswana, Cameroon, Ghana, Kenya, Lesotho, Malawi, Mauritius, Mozambique, Namibia, Nigeria, Rwanda, Seychelles, Sierra Leone, South Africa, Swaziland, Uganda, United Republic of Tanzania and Zambia; Asia: Bangladesh, Brunei Darussalam, India, Malaysia, Maldives, Pakistan, Singapore and Sri Lanka; Caribbean and Americas: Antigua and Barbuda, Barbados, Belize, Canada, Dominica, Grenada, Guyana, Jamaica, Saint Lucia, St Kitts and Nevis, St Vincent and The Grenadines and Trinidad and Tobago; Europe-Cyprus and Malta; Pacific: Australia, Fiji, Kiribati, Nauru, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea, Samoa, Solomon Islands, Tonga, Tuvalu and Vanuatu

Admission Requirement at Manchester Writing School UK

Entrance Requirement: Applicants should have an honours degree or a postgraduate diploma or a professional qualification recognised as being equivalent to a UK honours degree. Other qualifications or experience may be acceptable if they demonstrate appropriate knowledge and skills to a UK honours degree standard.

English Language Requirement: International students will be required to demonstrate a sufficiently high standard of English language ability. In order to enter most postgraduate courses the English requirements are: IELTS 6.5, TOEFL 575, TOEFL computer-based 230.

Documents Required: Supporting documents include:
-Copies of your academic transcripts and graduation certificates
-Two references, one of which must be an academic reference
-Your personal statement
-Evidence of your English language proficiency
-Some courses will have additional application requirements, please check individual course entries on our website or in the online prospectus.

Application Procedure: Apply Online

Application Form

Deadline: The application deadline is 31st August, 2016.

Scholarship Link

Established within the Department of English at MMU, the Manchester Writing School is a thriving centre of creative excellence. The School hosts an ambitious suite of degree programmes and short courses, a vibrant series of public reading events, a leading programme of outreach activities, a major international writing competition and an annual festival of children’s literature.

Computer and Information Sciences Jubilee Scholarship, UK 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 18:43:00 -0700

University of Strathclyde is offering Computer and Information Sciences Jubilee Scholarship for the academic year 2016/2017. Applicants of all nationalities are eligible to apply for this scholarship. The university main objective of the university is to provide high quality, comprehensive educational and training opportunities that are compatible to changing needs of the students. The University is committed to providing a high-quality education and experience to all students, regardless of their background. Inspiring them to develop to their full potential, producing outstanding professional and enterprising people for industry, business and the professions.

In order to be eligible applicants requires IELTS (Academic): 6.5 overall (no individual band less than 5.5).

Degree Level: Scholarships are available for pursuing Postgraduate Taught programme.

Study Subject: Scholarships are awarded in the field of computer and information sciences.

Scholarship Benefit: The scholarship of £1000 value will be awarded to the applicants.

Eligibility Critria: Applications for scholarships are open to students who meet the following criteria:

the student must be paying full international fees
the student must be self-funded i.e. not sponsored by Government, employer or educational institution
the student cannot be in receipt of this scholarship and another University of Strathclyde scholarship
the student must have accepted a conditional offer for a full time Postgraduate Masters in the Department of Computer and Information Sciences by 20th May 2016
the student must be able to demonstrate academic excellence based on their previous study
the student must provide evidence of a desire to study at the University of Strathclyde
Please note this scholarship is awarded on a competitive basis.

Eligible Nationality: Applicants of all nationalities are eligible to apply for this scholarship.

Admission Requirement Computer and Information Sciences Jubilee Scholarship, UK 2016

Entrance Requirements: the student must have accepted a conditional offer for a full time Postgraduate Masters in the Department of Computer and Information Sciences by 20 May 2016.

English language Requirements: University accepts a number of English language tests as proof of proficiency in English. Applicants require IELTS (Academic): 6.5 overall (no individual band less than 5.5).

Documents Required: Applicants must submit the required details of family income and supporting documents. Applications without supporting documents will not be proceed. No further reminder will be sent.

Personal Supporting Statement
Declaration
Degree Transcript and Qualifications
2 Academic References
Wage slip/verified salary information for the month preceding the application date.
Last 3 months Utility Bills for electricity and gas.

Application Procedure for Computer and Information Sciences Jubilee Scholarship, UK 2016

Application Procedure: Applicants should download and complete the Computer and Information Sciences Jubilee Scholarship Application Form and email the completed form to cis-pgtadmissions-at-strath.ac.uk.

Application Form

Deadline: Scholarship application deadline is 20th May 2016.

Scholarship Link

More About Computer and Information Sciences Jubilee Scholarship, UK 2016

The University of Strathclyde is a Scottish public research university located in Glasgow, United Kingdom. It is Glasgow’s second university by age, being founded in 1796 as the Andersonian Institute, and receiving its Royal Charter in 1964 as the UK’s first technological university. It takes its name from the historic Kingdom of Strathclyde.

SIM GE Diploma Scholarship, Singapore 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 18:25:00 -0700

Singapore Institute of Management is accepting applications for SIM Global Education (SIM GE) Diploma Scholarship. It is awarded to outstanding international students to pursue diploma programmes. This scholarship is granted to international students with exemplary academic results and covers the minimum period required to complete the full course of study, as stipulated by the programme. Singapore Institute of Management (SIM) is registered with the Council for Private Education (CPE) under the Enhanced Registration Framework (ERF), as set out under the Private Education Act and the Private Education Regulations.

Applicants must meet the academic and English Language requirements for the programme.

Degree Level: Fellowships are available for pursuing diploma programmes.

Study Subject: Scholarships are offered in diverse fields to help students in upgrading their education.

List of Subjects: Accounting, Banking & Finance, International Business and Management Studies

Participating Institution(S): Singapore Institute of Management, Singapore

Eligibility Criteria: In order to apply for scholarship, applicants must follow the given criteria:

New international students pursuing Diploma programmes awarded by SIM at SIM GE
Outstanding academic results in high school or Year 12 equivalent qualifications
Strong leadership, interpersonal and communication skills

Eligible Nationalities: International students can apply for this scholarship.

Admission Requirement SIM GE Diploma Scholarship, Singapore 2016

Entrance Requirement: Applicants must separately seek admission to their programmes of choice and must be accepted for admission before being awarded the scholarship.

English Language Requirement: Applicants must meet the academic and English Language requirements for the programme.

Singapore Scholarships

Documents Required: The required components for complete application packet are as follows:-

Educational certificates (e.g. ‘O’ and ‘A’ level certificates, diplomas, exam transcripts, etc). Translated and notarised copies are required if documents are not in English. By the application closing date, student must have attained the minimum qualification required for the programme.
NRIC or FIN/passport (for international applicants).
Passport-sized photograph: Applicant’s photo must be taken in the last 3 months. It is to be in JPEG format, 400 by 514 pixels, and file size of around 60KB.

Application Procedure SIM GE Diploma Scholarship, Singapore 2016

Application Procedure: Applicants should apply by post.

Application Form

Deadline: The application period is from 1st April to 30th June 2016 (for October 2016 intake).

Scholarship Link

More About SIM GE Diploma Scholarship, Singapore 2016

The Singapore Institute of Management(abbreviation: SIM; Chinese: 新加坡管理学院) is Singapore’s largest provider of private tertiary education and professional training. It was founded by the Singapore Economic Development Board in 1964. SIM offers diploma, undergraduate and postgraduate programmes as well as executive education courses. In 2005, SIM University, Singapore’s first university to be privately funded, was established.

Cyprus Institute Dean’s Distinguished Scholarship 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 18:21:00 -0700

The Cyprus Institute is now accepting applications for Dean’s Distinguished Scholarships to pursue doctoral studies. During the 2016-2017 academic terms, the institute will offer scholarships for these programs-Energy, Environment and Atmospheric Sciences, Computational Sciences Science and Technology in Cultural Heritage. The scheme provides the opportunity to young scholars that are able to demonstrate outstanding academic performance to pursue their PhD studies in one of the Institute’s world class research facilities. The Institute operates under the aegis of the Cyprus Research and Educational Foundation (CREF), which is governed by a Board of Trustees, comprised of leading personalities of the international academic, political and business world.

The Institute accepts IELTS (at least 6.5) or TOEFL (at least 570 paper-based or 220 computer-based) and TWE certificates.

Degree Level: Scholarships are available to pursue their PhD studies.

Study Subject: Programs offered are Energy, Environment and Atmospheric Sciences; Computational Sciences and Science and Technology in Cultural Heritage.

Scholarship Benefit: Successful candidates will receive the following financial support for up to three (3) years that is the minimum duration of the PhD studies, at the CyI:

Full funding of registration, tuition and bench fees (16,400 Euro per annum)
A stipend of 14,000 EURO per annum for living expenses
Travel and relocation expenses from their country of origin

Participating Institution(s): Cyprus

Eligibility Criteria: A selection committee comprised of experts from the three scientific fields evaluates all eligible applications according to the Institute’s selection criteria. Shortlisted applicants will be invited for interview.

Eligible Nationalities: Cypriot and international students can apply for these scholarships.

Admission Requirement Cyprus Institute Dean’s Distinguished Scholarship 2016

Entrance Requirement: Applicants must have a master’s degree from a recognized accredited institution, with a strong academic record in a major field of study and background relevant to the proposed graduate-level studies with a GPA at least 3.5 (on a 4.0 scale) or equivalent. Strong computational skills to allow competent search and analysis appropriate for the selected field of study.

Test Requirement: GRE general test scores, or equivalent. Applicant will be asked to submit GRE scores in the application form. An unconditional offer cannot be made until GRE scores are submitted.

English Language Requirement: The Institute accepts IELTS (at least 6.5) or TOEFL (at least 570 paper-based or 220 computer-based) and TWE certificates.

PhD Scholarships

Documents Requirement: In addition to the application for the scholarship, the applicant must submit the following documents:

Application form
Statement of Intent (Statement of Purpose)
Letters of Recommendation
Academic Degrees and Transcripts
English Language Certificate
Test scores of GRE

Application Procedure Cyprus Institute Dean’s Distinguished Scholarship 2016

Application Procedure: It is strongly recommended to apply online through application system indicating the Deans’ Oustanding scholarships choice in the financial support section of the online form.

Application Form

Deadline: The application deadline is 1st June, 2016.

Scholarship Link

FSC`s Long-Term Scholarships, Germany 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 18:16:00 -0700

FSC is offering long-term Excellence Scholarships for PhD students from developing countries for a period of 37 months. Scholarships are offered to participate in the PhD Program “Global Food Security“ at the University of Hohenheim. The scholarships aim at increasing their previously gained scientific knowledge and skills relevant to food security-related issues. Finally, FSC aims at establishing an active, long-lasting collaboration with the supported researchers and their home institutions through an interactive alumni-network. The Food Security Center (FSC) is a university center of excellence in development collaboration at the University of Hohenheim, Stuttgart, Germany.

Applicants must start with a one-month German language course.

Degree Level: Scholarships are offered to obtain their PhD degree at the University of Hohenheim.

Study Subject: Scholarships are available for students interested in an interdisciplinary and international (post-) graduate education in food security relevant issues. There are certain topics provided by the Faculties of Agricultural Sciences, Natural Sciences and Business, Economics and Social Sciences from which the applicants have to select as their doctoral research topic when they are applying for the scholarship.

List of Subjects: Sociology of Agriculture and Food, Agricultural Engineering, Nutrition and Health, Biological Chemistry and Nutritional Science and Economics

Scholarship can be taken at: Germany

Eligibility Criteria: Applicants should be interested in an interdisciplinary and international (post-) graduate education in food security relevant issues.

Eligible Nationalities: Applicants from developing countries of the OECD DAC List are eligible to apply.

List of Countries: Afghanistan, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Armenia, Angola, Kenya, Bolivia, Bangladesh, Tajikistan, Cabo Verde, Benin, Zimbabwe, Cameroon, Bhutan, Congo, Burkina Faso, Côte d’Ivoire, Burundi, Egypt, Cambodia, El Salvador, Central African Republic, Georgia, Chad, Ghana, Comoros, Guatemala, Democratic Republic of the Congo, Guyana, Djibouti, Honduras, Equatorial Guinea, India, Eritrea, Indonesia, Ethiopia, Kosovo, Gambia, Kyrgyzstan, Guinea, Micronesia, Guinea-Bissau, Moldova, Haiti, Mongolia, Kiribati, Morocco, Lao People’s Democratic Republic, Nicaragua, Lesotho, Nigeria, Liberia, Pakistan, Madagascar, Papua New Guinea, Malawi, Paraguay, Mali, Philippines, Mauritania, Samoa, Mozambique, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, Swaziland, Nepal, Syrian, Arab Republic, Niger, Tokelau, Rwanda, Ukraine, Sao Tome and Principe, Uzbekistan, Senegal, Vietnam, Sierra Leone, West Bank and Gaza Strip, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Sudan, Sudan, Tanzania, Timor-Leste, Togo, Tuvalu, Uganda, Vanuatu, Yemen and Zambia

Admission Requirement FSC`s Long-Term Scholarships, Germany 2016

Entrance Requirement: In order to be admitted to a doctorate in one of the University of Hohenheim’s three faculties, the following degrees are required:

Master’s program
a degree program with a standard period of study of at least four years at a university, college of education, or art college
a postgraduate program at a university or college of education

Test Requirement: No

English Language Requirement: Applicants start with a one-month German language course.

PhD Scholarship

Documents Requirement: The following documents must be submitted in English:

Checklist/Guideline
Abstract of Master/Diploma Thesis
PhD Research Proposal
Recommendation Letter 1
Recommendation Letter 2

Application Procedure: Eligible applicants should complete an online scholarship application.

Application Form

Deadline: The deadline for application is April 30, 2016.

Scholarship Link

2016 40th Anniversary MSc Scholarship of Petroleum Engineering, UK

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 17:32:00 -0700

2016 40th Anniversary MSc Scholarship of Petroleum Engineering, UK

The Institute of Petroleum Engineering at Heriot-Watt University is inviting applications from 40th Anniversary Scholarship for international students. Scholarship is available to undertake masters degree programme.

This scholarship is designed to support International students from outwith the European Union and recognises the challenges currently faced by the international Oil and Gas Industry.

Degree Level: Scholarships are available to undertake masters degree programme.

Study Subject: Scholarship is tenable in Petroleum Engineering at Heriot-Watt University.

Scholarship Benefit: A new scholarship worth up to £3,000 per student for International applicants to the MSc Petroleum Engineering programme.

Eligibility Criteria: The following criteria must be met in order for applicants to be eligible for this scholarship:

Applicants must be classified as an International (non-EU) fee payer from outside the UK or EU
Applicants must have accepted an Unconditional offer to study on the programme
Applicants must fully complete the application and acceptance process and pay the non-refundable deposit (£4,000) to Heriot-Watt University before 1st May 2016
Applicants must enrol on the MSc in Petroleum Engineering programme before 12th September 2016

Eligible Nationalities: International applicants can apply for these scholarships.

Admission Requirement Institute of Petroleum Engineering at Heriot-Watt University

Entrance Requirement: Applicants must have bachelor degree.

Test Requirement: No

English Language Requirements: Applicants from outside the home country will often need to meet specific English language/other language requirements in order to be able to study there.

Postgraduate Scholarships

Documents Required: Required supporting documents are:

Relevant transcripts from your current or previous programme of study.
A copy of your degree certificate
Two academic references using the Referee’s Report Form
Proof of English language ability
A copy of the photo page from your passport
A financial guarantee* to prove how your tuition fees and personal maintenance costs will be met
A supplementary application form

Application Procedure: The mode of applying is electronically.

Application Form

Deadline: The application deadline is 1st May 2016.

Scholarship Link

More about 2016 40th Anniversary MSc Scholarship of Petroleum Engineering, UK

Heriot-Watt University is big enough to attract some of the leading experts in their fields and small enough to give our students the chance to lean from them – not at arms-length, but hands-on. Applicants must have bachelor degree and from outside the home country will often need to meet specific English language/other language requirements in order to be able to study there.

80 JOKES THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH AND FORGET YOUR SORROW

noreply@blogger.com (Nelson) — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 16:46:00 -0700

This Is A Collection Of Children Jokes, Adult Jokes, Women Jokes, Lawyer Jokes, Christian Jokes, Men Jokes, killing jokes, top funny jokes for kids, racist jokes, racial jokes, Sports Jokes, Funny Text Jokes, Funniest Jokes And Religious Jokes.

#1. AKPOS AND WIFE FIGHT

Akpos and his wife had a fight. After the fight, the wife went into the bedroom. A few minutes later, Akpos also trooped into the bedroom only to find his wife busy packing her suitcase!

He asked: “You’re packing! Where are you going?”

She answered: “To my mother”.

Akpos paused for a while and also got his big brown leather suitcase and started packing his clothes. The angry wife stared at him and said: “You are packing! Where are you going”. Akpos replied: “O’h yah! I’m going to my mother!” The wife replied,”To your mother? And what about the 6 Children! Who is going to look after them?” Akpos replied,”You’regoing to your mother! I’m going to my mother. The 6 Children should also go to their mother!..

#2. AKPOS AND HIS FATHER.....

Dad: Who do u like more, mum or Dad?

Akpos: Both.

Dad: Ok, if i go 2 America and ur mum goes 2 Paris, where wil u like 2 stay..?

Akpos: Paris....

Dad: Dat means you like ur mum more...

Akpos: Nooo, I like paris

Dad: Ok, if i go 2 Paris and ur mum goes 2 America, where wil u go...??

Akpos: America [wink]

Dad: [angry] why..???

Akpos: Because i have been 2 Paris before.....

3. IMAGINE IF THE 3 WISE MEN WERE WOMEN.

1. Dey would have asked 4 directions instead of following the star.

2. They would have presented gifts such as pampers, powder, feeding bottle, napkins, Akamu, cerelac and so on.

3. After leaving one would have told the other ''did you see Mary's shoes, they don't match her dress''.

4. One would av also said ''I heard Joseph is not working, he's just an ordinary carpenter. how can they survive?''

5.Another would have said ''imagine the kind of dirty environment she delivered, are they didn’t perceiving the bad odour from de sheep & Goats?''

6. Another would have also said ''the baby doesn't even resemble Joseph, was she really a virgin?''.

7. One would have replied ''Virgin indeed, I knew Mary during SECONDARY SCHOOL days nah. What are u telling me.

8. Another would have been eyeing Joseph.

9. One go de form queen Elizabeth saying "how can I enter dis dirty place"?...

CHEI! ..... Gals and dia Amebo.

4. A MAN AND HIS DONKEY

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man, "this donkey has been trained in a very unique way. The only way to make the donkey go is to say Hallelujah, and the only way to make it stop is to say Amen."

The man immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" He shouted. And immediately the donkey began to trot.

"Amen!" He shouted again, and the donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great," he said.

With Hallelujah he rode off very proud of his purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"STOP!" He blurted, "HALT!" He blurted again.

The donkey just kept going, "Oh no, Bible! Church! Please stop!" Cried the man. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer, "Please, dear God, please make this donkey stop before i go off this mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN!"

The donkey came to an abrupt stop, just one step from the edge of the cliff. Immediately the donkey stopped, the man joyously said, "HALLELUJAH!" Guess what happened to the man…

5. PEARLY GATES CLOCKS?

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ''Why all the clocks?''

St. Peter answered, ''Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.''

''Oh'', said the man. ''Whose clock is that?''

''That's Mother Teresa's.'' replied St. Peter. ''The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.''

''Incredible!'', said the man. ''And whose clock is that one?''

St. Peter responded, ''That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved Twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.''

''Where are the clocks of the Ghanaian PRESIDENT AND Nigerian PRESIDENT?'' asked the man.

St Peter replied, "They are in the office. We're using them as ceiling fans."

6. GENIUS AKPOS

The Lecturer said, "let's begin by reviewing some Nigerian history." The Lecturer asked who said, "I shall return to die in the land of my fathers?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Akpos, who had his hand up. Akpos replied: "King Jaja of Opobo, 1875"

"very good!" said lecturer.

Then she asked again, who said, "The land use act will feed the nation?" Again, no response except from Akpos

Akpos: "Obasanjo, 1976."

The Lecturer snapped at the class; "class, you should be ashamed. Akpos, who is new to our Country, knows more about our history than you

do."

The Lecturer heard a loud whisper: "Ghana must go". "who said that?" she demanded,

Akpos put his hand up, "Buhari 1984."

At that point, a student at the back scornfully said; "Hmmm, you think you are smart?" The Lecturer glared and asked; "All right! Now,

who said that?" Again,

Akpos said,"Babangida to Abiola, 1992." Hmmm, a Student at the back smilled " I dey laugh ooh"

Akpos smilled back and said Obasanjo to Atiku 2001.

Now furious, another student yelled; "Oh yeah! Eat this!" Akpos jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Lecturer, "Indian mistress giving an apple to Abacha, 1998". Now, with almost mob hyseria, someone said; "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Akpos frantically yelled at the top of his voice; "Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!"

The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said; "Oh shit, we're in Big trouble now!"

Akpos whispered; "Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007"

Someone angrily said; "Dont answer him, he is a fool" Akpos smiled replied; "Obansanjo to IBB, 2011"

Now the Lecturer manage to get up and asks Akpos; pls, who're you? Show your self..Akpos jumped, yelled and said; Jonathan to BOKO HARAM, 2012.

**How Many Like For Akpos!!!**

7. FISHERMAN AND PROFFESOR

One day, Akpos the fisherman was travelling with a Professor and the following conversation ensued:

Professor: Fisherman, do you know Ecology?

Fisherman Akpos: No

Professor: What about Zoology?

Fisherman Akpos: No

Professor: what of Biology?

Fisherman Akpos: I don’t know.

Professor: (irritated) What on Earth do you know this man your going to die in ignorance.

Two hours later their boat started to sink and the Professor got scared.

Akpos then asked, “do you know swimminology? ”

Professor: No

Fisherman Akpos: What about Escapology from the Riverology?

Professor: No

Fisherman Akpos: Today, the Crocodiology is going to consume your Headology beacause of your bad Mouthology.

8. WHO IS MORE STUPID

A farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his yam and decided to drag him to the village square. Half way to the square, the thief said to the man, “Please, I have forgotten my slippers in the farm, can I go and get them?” The farmer obliged, “Hurry up! I would be waiting for you here.” He waited endlessly and realised he had been fooled. He went home and

Told his elder brother what had happened. His elder brother brutally slapped him and said, “You are extremely dumb! You should have told the thief to wait while you go get his slippers for him!”

Who is more stupid!

9.A MONK

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, You must travel the earth 🌍and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key🔑, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

Don't be angry at me .. I am

Also searching for the guy who sent me this one

11. AKPOS SEEKING FOR JOB

Akpors is seeking for a job. This is the conversation that ensued between Akpos and the interviewer…

Interviewer: Tell me the opposite of Good.

Akpos: Bad.

Interviewer: Come.

Akpos: Go.

Interviewer: Ugly.

Akpos: Fine

Interviewer: Tithe

Akpos: Offering

Interviewer:Demand

Akpos: supply

Interviewer: boko

Akpos: haram

Interviewer: input

Akpos: output

Interviewer: Waec

Akpos : neco

Interviewer: tom

Akpos: jerry

Interviewer:copy

Akpos: paste

Interviewer: point

Akpos: kill

Interviewer: You are wrong!

Akpos: you are right!

Interviewer: Shut up!

Akpos: Keep talking!

Interviewer: Ok, now stop all that.

Akpos: Ok, now start all that.

Interviewer: Get out!

Akpos: Come in!

Interviewer: Oh, my God!

Akpos: Oh, my Devil!

Interviewer: You are Rejected!

Akpos: I’m selected!

Interviewer: you are fired

Akpos: am hired

(The man fain)

12.SILLY STUDENT

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?

TEACHER: Yes!

STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside the fridge?

TEACHER: I don’t know..

STUDENT: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question!

TEACHER: Ok, ask.

STUDENT: How do you put a donkey inside the fridge?

TEACHER: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.

STUDENT: No sir, you just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in.

TEACHER: Ooh...ok!!

STUDENT: If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, with one animal missing which one would it be?

TEACHER: The lion of course because it would eat all the animals.

STUDENT: No sir, the donkey because it's still inside the fridge.

TEACHER: Are you kidding me?

STUDENT: No sir, one last question.

TEACHER: Ok!

STUDENT: If there's a river of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?

TEACHER: There's no way, I would need a ladder to cross.

STUDENT: No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion's birthday party....

The teacher fainted…

14. PRISON

I Have Been Thinking About This All Day.......Nelson Mandela Came Out From Prison And Became President....Obasanjo Came Out From Prison And became a President.... Burahi came out from prison and he became a president.....Theodore Orji Left Prison And Became Governor.... Omisore Iyiola From Prison To Senator....Even Jerry Rawlings From Prison To Head of State.... My Dear Friend, Spending Five Years InPrison Is Far Better Than Spending Five Years In University....... Even Jomo Kenyatta From Prison To President......Even In The Bible, Joseph Came Out Of Prison And Became A Prime Minister....You See??Brothers & Sisters! Please Let Me Advice You. Be Wise.. Just Go To Prison And Become Something In Life Forget School Jare!!! Don't Say I Don't Tell You

15. WHAT WILL YOU DO

You entered ur bedroom and saw a strange man sitting on ur bed u told him to get out but he refuses,u get angry and slaped him. Amazinly,he vomited #1000 u slaped him again n he vomited#1000. Wat would you do?

A-Run away

B-Kidnap him

C-Call the police

D-Call ur pastor

E-Continue slapin him.

16. AKPOS AND JOHNNY

Akpos and johnny went for an interview for employment. johnny was the first to enter the interviewing office.. (the manager asking johnny questions).

Manager: who was the first military head of state in Nigeria???..

Johnny: General Aguyi Ironsi..

Manager: when was the North and southern protectorate in Nigeria

Amalgamated???.

Johnny: 1914..

Manager: Dat is gud of you..

Question no 3, is it true that the cure for hiv/Aids is discovered???..

Johnny: eehm.. yes but not scientifically proven…

Manager: good way of answering questions,

Pls can you wait for us outside and we will attend to you later… (when johnny went outside akpos asked him)..

Akpos: johnny, what are the questions and please tell me the answers??.. (as johnny was about to tell akpos the questions and answer, the manager shouted from inside `NEXT’.. Akpos then said to Johnny)..

Akpos: Ok tell me only the answers..

Johnny: answer to number 1 is: General Aguyi Ironsi, number 2 is=1914,

number 3 is”yes but not scientifically proven” (mumu Akpos got to d interview, after exchanging greetings, d manager told

him to sit down)

Manager: Please sir, What is ur name?

Akpos : General Aguyi Ironsi (manager became confused)

Manager: Please what year where you born?

Akpos: 1914

Manager: (angrily, he shouted at Akpos) !! are u mad?!!!

Akpos: Yes, but not scientifically proven.

Pls describe akpos in a word!?

17. JAMB RESULT

Papa Akpos: Akpos,I learnt your JAMB result is out.

Akpors: Yes Daddy You remember John wey dey carry first for our

whole school? he failed…

Papa Akpos: That’s terrible,what happened?

Akpors: You also remember Paul wey dey teach me for house? He failed too.

Papa Akpos: what’s causing the poor performance?

Akpos: Daddy I don’t know, na so e be o. Even Kelvin who won the Cowbell competition failed too.

Papa Akpos: so how was your own result?

Akpos: You also remember OKON, our senior prefect? He failed.

Papa Akpos: (Angrily) Boy, Tell me about your own result!!

Akpos : (angrily) If all those people failed, do you expect me to pass, I be witch?

18. AKPOS & HIS WIFE !!

Akpos comes back from work. As he enters the sitting room, his wife asked:

Wife: Darling! Why are you looking so sad?

Akpos: Sweetheart, I have a problem at my office.

Wife: Don’t say you have a problem. You should say we have a problem because we are now married. Your problem is also my problem.

Akpos: OK, we have a problem in our office.

Wife: And what is the problem, darling?

Akpos: Our secretary is pregnant for us.

Wife: Whaaat!!!

The wife fainted!

19. UNTRUST WORTHY AKPOS

Wife: Give me your phone for a second.

Akpos: Wait let me switch it on.

Akpos

Delete video.

Delete picture.

Delete music.

Delete private folder

Delete number.

Delete sms.

Delete out goin calls.

Delete incomin calls.

Delete mms.

Delete what's app.

Delete bbm.

Delete

FORMAT Memory Card.

Here you go I have nothing to hide from u!!

Wife: I just wanted to see the time!

Akpos faints

20. TEN ANIMALS

Akpos was busy sleeping in the class when the lesson was going

on. The teacher caught him and asked him:

Teacher: Why are you sleeping while I was teaching? You are not listening!

Akpos: Madam, your voice was so

sweet, that's why I slept off.

Teacher: Then why are others not sleeping?

Akpos: Because they are not listening.

Teacher: Ok, if you said you were listening, give me 10 examples

of wild animals! Akpos: Hahahahahaha, na this I can’t answer? Common ten examples of wild animals? Ma, the question is too cheap.

Teacher: Just answer it.

Akpos: Ok! Ten examples of wild animals are: 4 lions, 3 cobras, 2

tigers and 1 gorilla.

"Describe apkos in one word"

21. AKPOS DAUGHTER

Akpors’ daughter returns home after 5 Years.

Akpors: Where the hell have you been all these years?”

Daughter: I was working as a Prostitute in the Vietnam.

Akpors: What!?.. Get out of my house, you whore, I don’t want to see your face again do you understand?

Daughter(crying): Before I go Dad, I came to give you ‪#‎10million cheque, and here is ‪#‎2million for my brother. I have bought a big house in the states for you with everything in it including a Ferarri, goodbye Dad”

Akpors (smilling ): Ah ah, my daughter, what kind of work did you say you were doing in Vietnam again?

Daughter (weeping): Papa, I said prostitution!

Akpors: Aahhh, come and give your father a hug”, I thought you said you were a “prosecutor”.

One word for Akpors this time around?

22. NEW CRK TEACHER

A new CRK teacher, transferred to a JSS 2 class during the mid term, wanted to know how well the students understood the syllabus so far. He decided to start from the last topic the previous teacher had taught, "Hello class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?" There was a full minute of absolute silence. All the students just stared at him blankly. The teacher then pointed at the students in the front desk to answer the question. The students began responding.

Amos: "Sir I'm a new student here, I just started this school last week."

John: "Sir the day the walls was broken, I didn't come to school, I swear"

MARY: "Sir I only passed by the walls of Jericho, I didn't even touch it, as it was already broken when I passed it."

Rufus: "Sir, I didn't even know the walls had been broken, until you mentioned it now."

The teacher became so shocked and infuriated, "What!!!" He screamed. The Students began murmuring amongst themselves that the new teacher is so mean. The teacher, shocked by their ignorance, stormed to the principals office to tell him what happened. The principal kindly responded, "Sorry about that. You know how mischievous these JSS students can be? Always destroying things and later denying it. But be rest assured, this matter would be fully investigated. Just write down the total cost in fixing the said wall, and at the next PTA meeting the issue would be discussed"

Who is more stupid, the students or the principal?

23. THE FUNNIEST

Who is the fooliestst?

1. HAUSA man whoremoved his shoes toenter ataxi.....

2. IGBO man who wentto the bank with aspanner to open abank account.

3.YORUBA man whowent to bed with a rulerjust to knowhow long he slept

4. A TIV man who watched the news and wave that the news reader.

5.AN EFIK nurse who woke up a sleeping patient simply because she forgot to give him sleeping pills....

6. AN IGALA man who lowered his TV volume because he wanted to read a text message..

9. AN IKWERE man who polished his shoes to take a passport photo.

10. AN ISOKO man who climbed a mango tree to check if the mango was ripe enough then came down and started stoning it.....

11. A FULANI man who chose to drink Fanta because he thought sprite was unripe

11.A GWARI man whosaw something thatlooked like shit, touchedn tasted n said"Hmmm" na shit ooo!!!Thank God I no matcham....

12.AN IDOMA man whoput his radio inside therefrigeratorbecause he wanted tolisten to Cool FM...Hapi sunday!

24. OBSERVATION

First year medical students were attending their first anatomy class.

They all gathered around the table and there was a real dead body on

the table. The professor started by teaching them two important qualities of a DOCTOR. The first is, 'Never be DISGUSTED about anything in the body'. So he inserted his finger into the dead body's anus, put the finger in his own mouth and tasted it. Then he asked the students to do same. They hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's anus and tasted it, frowning. Then the professor looked at them and said, 'The most important second quality is OBSERVATION. I inserted my MIDDLE finger but tasted the 2nd finger. Now learn to pay attention!' All the students fainted......

25. HOW SMART ARE YOU?

If someone from

(1) Anambra is called 'Anambrarian'

(2) Imo is called 'Imolite'

(3) Abia is called 'Abian'

(4) Ebonyi is called 'Ebonyian'

(5) Enugu is called ..............?

Let's see who gets the right answer.

26. WELCOME TO THE 21TH CENTURY!!!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless

*Cooking ~ Fireless

*Cars ~ Keyless

*Food ~ Fatless

*Tyres ~ Tubeless

*Dress ~ Sleeveless

*Youth ~ Jobless

*Leaders ~ Shameless

*Relationships ~ Meaningless

*Attitude ~ Careless

*Wives ~ Fearless

*Babies ~ Fatherless

*Feelings ~ Heartless

*Education ~ Valueless

*Children ~ Mannerless

*Women ~ Pantieless

*Single ~ Stressless [Just added this one]

Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes

are ~ Endless. In fact, I am ~ Speechless!

27. STORY

Akpos:"Baby, I'm gonna tell you a story with 4 parts.Remember that, 4 parts!"

Ekaitte:"Alright love."

Akpos:"Okay, i'm gonna start with part 1.. There was a husband and a wife, they were drivin 2 a campsite when they came upon a split road.

The husband says"let's take the left one." The wife says"I think we should

take the right road." Then the husband slaps the wife across the face " who's driving, me or you?!" and they take the left path."

Ekaitte: "Hahahahahahahahaha"

Akpos: "Now i'm gonna tell you

part 2..

Once they get to the campsite the husband goes fishing so his wife

can cook their dinner. He comes back and the wife says "good now I can cook fish soup for us to eat!" The husband says "but I wanna

eat fried fish" The wife slaps the husband across the face and says "who's cooking me or you?!" and they end up drinking fish soup.

Ekaitte: "Oh crap!" lmao

Akpos:"Now I'm gonna tell you part 4"

Ekaitte:"What about part 3?!"

Akpos:[Landed Ekaitte hot slap across the face] who's telling the

story you or me?

28. PRESENTER AKPOS

PRESENTER AKPOS: What’s your contribution?

CALLER: There is this lady I wanted in my life shortly after my NYSC, But all my efforts proved abortive. She wouldn't pick my calls, she would laugh at me while passing by for reasons best known to her, 5 months

later, I was able to get an apartment, get a new car courtesy of a contract job I secured with a major oil company. Now most of the missed calls I have are hers, barrage of sms and all that. I am confused on what

to do. Please advise me.

PRESENTER AKPOS: Listen up, give her a call letting her know you will be at her house in 2hrs time. When it’s time call her up and delay for another 2hrs. Take a cool Shower, wear a nice outfit and attention catching perfume. When it’s time drive to her house, walk to her door and knock, once she opens, with d sexiest smile you've got, look stylishly into her eyes, draw her slowly to yourself, take your mouth close to her ear

And whisper ''THUNDER FIRE U'.

Pls is Akpos right or not?????

29. AKPOS AND HIS FATHER

A boy was with his father when he saw his girlfriend coming.

BOY: Have you come to collect your book titled; "SPEAK

ENGLISH MY DAD DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT?" by Ngozi Okafor.

Girl: No, I want that our hymns called "WHERE SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?"

Boy: I don't have that one... may be you should take the other one "UNDER THE MANGO TREE" by Crooks.

Girl: Fine but don't forget to bring "I WILL CALL YOU IN 5 MINS" while coming to school...

Boy: I will also bring this one too, "I WON'T LET YOU

DOWN" by Chinua Achebe.

Then;

Dad: These are too many, will she read all of them?

Boy: Yes dad, she is very smart.

Dad: Okay, don't forget to give her the one on the table

titled, "I AM NOT STUPID, I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING

YOU'VE BEEN SAYING" by Shakespeare!

Dont ever think u are wiser than your parents. .

30. NATIONAL ANTHEM

Akpos was arrested by the police and taken to court.

Magistrate: Mr Akpos, you were arrested on the expressway for abruptly stopping your car in the middle of the road and causing 10 other vehicles behind you to run into one another thereby causing damages and injuries, Are you guilty or not?

Mr Akpos: I'm not guilty sir. Magistrate: What is your defence?

Mr Akpos: I heard the national anthem on the car radio and as a good citizen, I stopped immediately and stood at attention... Or has it been amended in d constitution that we should stop paying attention 2 d national anthem? Oga magistrate...? The magistrate becomes speechless…

31. ILLITRATE WOMAN

An illiterate woman boarded a plane from Enugu to Abuja. She was booked for an economy class seat, Just after the plane took-off, the woman stood up and went to sit in the first class cabin. The flight attendant went to ask her to go back and sit in economy class because that's where the ticket allowed her to sit but she refused. She had paid and wanted the best seat. Then the attendant informed the Jnr. pilot. The Jnr. pilot went and spoke with the lady and she still refused. Then the Jnr. pilot went to inform the Chief pilot. The Chief pilot said, I am married to an illiterate; I'll go and talk to her. The Chief went and whispered some

words to the woman and she peacefully stood up and went to her economy class seat. The attendant and Jnr. pilot surprisingly asked, sir what did you tell her? The Chief pilot said: Easy guys, I just told her that first class is not going to Abuja, only economy class is!!!

32. CUT N10 FOR ME

AKPOS was hungry and went to 'mai shayi' (men selling tea and bread).

The following dialogue transpired between them:

AKPOS: You get loaf of bread?

ABOKI: yes

AKPOS: bring one; slice am into two and put two sachet of butter in between

ABOKI: (happy and thanking God for bringing customer, is quickly doing as he is instructed )

AKPOS: You get egg?

ABOKI: yes customer

AKPOS: fry 6 eggs put am inside the bread.

ABOKI: Okay customer

AKPOS: You get sardin for inside gongoni?

ABOKI: yes customer everything dey. AKPOS: put two gongoni inside the bread. ABOKI: Okay customer (happy and doing as he is told, already enthusiastic he'll make a lot of money 2day) AKPOS: you don finish? Oya press the bread together for me. ABOKI: See am customer, i don prepare am finish. AKPOS: OYA CUT N10 Naira OWN FOR ME!

33. WHO IS A PHARMACIST

Teacher: Who is a pharmacist?

Akpors raised up his hand.

Teacher: So only Akpors knows the answer in this class?

(There was no reply from the students)

Teacher: (Angrily) Ok now Akpors, go round the class and give everybody two hard knocks on the head before telling us the answer.

Akpors excitedly goes round with joy giving every body the knock of their lives.

Teacher: Now, my dear Akpors tell this dumb students who a pharmacist is?

Akpors: Yes, sir. A Pharmacist is a farmer who assists people.

What do u think happened to Akpos??

34. LOTTERY GAME

Akpos bought a 100 Naira ticket and won the lottery. He went to Lagos to claim it. A man verified his ticket number. Akpos said; I want my 20 million Naira. The man replied; No sir! It doesn't work that way. We will give you a Million Naira today. You will get the rest within the next 19 years. Akpos said; I want all the money now! I won it, and I want it. Again the man patiently explained that he would only get a million naira that day and the rest within the next 19 years. Akpos got furious and shouted; If you are not going to give me my 20 million naira now. I want my 100 Naira back.

One word for Akpos.

35. MY SALARY

TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria?

CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi!

TEACHER: Correct! Who is the Minister of Defence?

CHILDREN: Asari Dokubo!

TEACHER: Good! What is the capital city of Nigeria?

CHILDREN: Enugu!

TEACHER: Very good! Who composed the National Anthem?

CHILDREN: D-Banj and 2face!

TEACHER: Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow?

CHILDREN: Mosquitoes!

TEACHER: Perfect! How much is 2 + 5?

CHILDREN: 25!

TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary! One word for this teacher...

36. BOKO HARAM FEAR IN THE CHURCH

One Sunday, armed boko haram memberentered a church while the service was going on. They asked the ushers to close every door and windows so that nobody can escape. They counted the number of worshipers and they were 150. They told them they would kill 100 out of these 150 members but in an alphabetical order starting from the pastors. They approached the senior pastor and ask. What’s your name? pastor said Zechariah Zwingina. the next pastor said Zebede Zacheus, the third pastor said Zemmanuel Zwiliams. They approached the elders. The first one said Zarepath Zolomon. The next one said Zalade Zomorin. The next one said Zetunji Zolusegun. They approached the choir and the first chorister out of fear pointed to the organist and said his name is Abraham Ahmadu. The Organist answered, he is liar. My name is Zabraham Zahmadu. If you were in the congregation , what will

be your name?

37. ENGLISH PASS ENGLISH

A professor drove into a petrol station in his sleek state of the art Range

rover sports.

Professor: guy, abeg, who go attend to me, I wan buy fuel

Fuel Attendant: Sir, I don't speak pidgin, I only speak English

Professor: Ok! good morning, I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propelling of my motorized automobile. Therefore I cordially request you to transfer from your subterranean reservoir a sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim.

Fuel Attendant: Oga na play I dey play o, how much fuel you wan buy?

38. ZOO JOB

A man who was looking for a job? He noticed there was an opening at the local zoo. Upon inquiry, he discovered the zoo had a very unusual position that they wanted to fill. Apparently their gorilla had died, and until they could get a new one, they needed someone to dress up in a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla for a few days. He was to just sit, eat, and sleep. Of course, his identity would be kept a secret, and no one would be the wiser, thanks to a very fine gorilla suit. The zoo offered good pay for this job, so the man decided to do it. He tried on the suit and sure enough, he looked just like a gorilla. They led him to the cage; he took a position at the back of the cage and pretended to sleep. But after a while, he got tired of sitting so he walked around a little bit, jumped up and down and tried a few gorilla noises. The people watching him seemed to really like that. When he would move or jump around, they would clap and cheer and throw him peanuts. And the man loved peanuts. So he jumped around some more and tried climbing a tree. That seemed to really get the crowd excited. They threw more peanuts. Playing to the crowd, he grabbed a vine and swung from one side of the cage to the other. The people loved it and threw more peanuts. "Wow! This is great," he thought.

He swung higher and the crowd grew bigger. He continued to swing on the vine, getting higher and higher and then all of a sudden, the vine broke! He swung up and out of the cage, landing in the lion's cage that was next door. He panicked.

There was a huge lion not twenty feet away, and it looked very hungry. So the man in the gorilla suit started jumping up and down, screaming and yelling, "Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm not really a gorilla! I'm a man in a gorilla suit! HELP!" The lion quickly pounced on the man, held him down and said, OKECHUKWU NO FEAR, NA ME WILLIAMS "be quit

39. SMART DOCTOR

A doctor wrote on his new clinic: Any treatment is 10000Naira and if we cannot treat, we will pay you 20000 Naira. Wanting the 20000 Naira for himself, intelligent Akpos came to the doc and said: I can’t feel any taste. The doc asked a nurse to give Akpos a few drops of medicine from box 22. Upon taking the drops, Akpos shouted “Oh STOP! it is urine!”

The doctor said “congratulations, your sense of taste is back now”.

Akpos was very angry that he lost 10000Naira. He came back two weeks later determined to get 20000 Naira. The following conversation ensued between Akpos and the doc:

Akpos : I lost my memory.

Doctor: Nurse! Please give this man some drops of medicine from box 22.

Akpos: Wait doctor but that medicine is for sense of taste.

Doctor: Congratulations, your memory is back.

Akpos fainted

40. AKPOS AND CHICKEN

Akpos was sent to deliver a chicken in Lagos. On his way a careless okada made him to fall. The chicken immediately ran off. When Akpos

saw the chicken running away, he started laughing. When asked why he was laughing, he said "see this Mumu chicken, where does she know in Lagos when the address is with me?" One word for Akpos...

41. TEACHER BAND APKOS

TEACHER: Class, what is the chemical symbol for Sodium?

AKPOS: Na sir.

TEACHER: What is the chemical symbol for Barium?

AKPOS: Ba sir.

TEACHER: What will you get if one atom of Ba is added to two atoms of Na?

AKPOS: Banana sir. Describe akpo.

42. AKPOS AND MAGICIAN

Akpors who has no wife, no child, no money, no home, a blind mother infact very very poor. But one day he saw a magician1 who promised to grant him only one wish.

Magician : tell me one thing Ɣou wish and i will do it for u right now

Akpors : ok, i have just one wish, I want my mother to see my wife caring two of my kids in my hammer jeep parked near the swimming pool in one of my many mansions situated at london city.

•

magician Fainted!!

43. WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Imagine an ATM machine dispensing cash without anybody in front of it while u are passing by. What would u do?

A. Notify a staff of the bank.

B. Cancel the operation.

C. Press continue to withdraw.

D. Walk away

E. Alart the security officer.

Be sincere please

44. AKPOS AND DAD

DAD: Akpos, if Mr John asks after me, tell him I'm not around. How will you tell him when he comes, because I know you are funny?

AKPOS: When he comes, I will say my daddy said I should tell you he is not around.

DAD: Idiot! Just tell him, he is not around. Ok!?

AKPOS: Yes daddy. [When Mr John arrived...]

MR JOHN: Akpos, where is ur daddy?

AKPOS: He is not around.

MR JOHN: When is he coming back?

AKPOS: Wait let me go and ask him he didn't tell me.

(Rushed into the room, shouting, daddy, daddy, when are u coming back?)

45. TROUBLE AKPOS

A Guy Akpos rushed into a bar and said; Bar man, quick, give me one bottle of beer before the trouble start. The bar man gave him and he finished it at once. He said again; Quick, give me another bottle of beer

before the trouble start. The bar man gave him and he drank all of it.

The bar man asked; When is the trouble going to start? Akpos replied; Any moment from now, because, i don't have money.

One word for Akpos.

46. DEAD AKPOS

Police Men were chasing a thief, Akpos that escaped from prison at night.

Akpos ran into a nearby cemetery, stripped naked and sat on a grave.

When the police got there, they asked; Did you see anybody that ran past you?. Akpos replied; No. I'm a visitor. I was buried yesterday. The heat is too much inside my grave. I came outside to receive fresh air.

The police men took to their heels....

47. AKPOS AND HIS BROTHER

Akpos On Phone With His Elder Brother.

Akpos: (Breathing Heavily) Hello Bros!

Elder Brother: What happened?

Akpos: (Sobbing) He's dead!

Elder Brother: (Shocked) Who is dead?

Akpos: He's dead o.

Elder Brother: (So Shocked Thinking That It Is Their Father Or A Member Of Their Family That Is Dead) I say who is dead?

Akpos: He's Dead o.

Elder Brother: (Shouts On The Phone) Who is Dead?

Akpos: The chicken that you bought for us for Christmas is dead.

One word for Akpos

48. SMART AKPOS

1.He who fights and run away?

Akpos: E don surrender be dat na, na fear catch am 2.

2.A rolling stone?

Akpos: No fit just dey roll, na person push am.

3.He who lives in a glass house?

Akpos:Na rich politician e go be.

4.A stitch in time?

Akpos: Dey prevent further tear tear.

5.Birds of the same feather?

Akpos: Na the same mama born them.

6.One good turn?

Akpos: Na correct power steering fit do am.

7.A bird in hand?

Akpos: Wetin e wan be again if nobe barbeque. Dem plenty for chicken republic.

8.Half bread is better than?

Akpos: Puff puff, buns or garri without sugar.

9.A journey of a thousand miles?

Akpos: Na d person wahala be dat na, Why e no enter car or aeroplane jeje?

10. He who laughs last?

Akpos: Get brain problem. Make dem examine am, becos na begining of madness be dat.

11. A patient dog?

Akpos: Na hunger go kill am.

12. All work and no play?

Akpors: Na bank job be dat bros.

13. Once beaten?

Akpos: Na revenge go follow be dat.

14. A fool at forty?

Akpos: U never see Naija own, our own starts @ 50

49. AKPOS DEY FOLLOW INSTRUCTION DIE

Akpors’ elder brother, Rukewe, traveled to London months ago, leaving behind Akpors, their aged mom & their pet cat, kelly. Last week Rukewe called from London to know how they’re doing…

RUKEWE: Akpors how una dey now, how kelly?

AKPORS: Kelly done die.

RUKEWE (after a pause): Akpors you for use small small reveal dis kind bad news na. U for jus say d cat fall inside well but neighbors de try comot am. Den when I call again, u go say e break neck small but vet doctor dey try revive am. Den when I call again, u go say dem try their best but dem no fit save am. Na so dem dey reveal bad news in a mature way. You hear me?

AKPORS: Yes bros no p.

RUKEWE: Ok. how mama na?

AKPORS: Bros. mama sef fall inside well o, but neighbors dey try comot am. (Phone cuts). Rukewe has been admitted in a private hospital in London after going into coma.

50. AKPOS & HIS NEW ONLINE CHICK!!!

Akpos: Hi babe, wasup?

Girl: i'm cool thanks!

Akpos: u're welcm, i'll like 2 knw u wella

Girl: i'm Tichick, 19, slim & dark from Lasgidi.

Akpos: babe u're the kind of girl i like.

Akpos continues: babe actually, my name is James Ovie Akpororo but my friends call me Akpos. I am 59 years old, I live in No16 Church

street, Oshodi, Lagos. I have a supermarket @ 12 Femi Johnson street, Mushin, Lagos. Babe I like dating young girls like you. You can call me on 08028264598...

Girl: but oga u're a family man. How will ur wife & daughter feel if they see me with u. Or don't u think its wrong?

Akpos: babe dont even mention my useless daughter & her wayward mother here. They're on their own & I have my life to

live.

Girl: its ok then. But do u care to know more about me?

Akpos: babe give me ur full detail including ur bank account number

Girl: well, my full name is Augustina James Akpororo, i'm a primary 6 student of Gov't School. my mum's name is Gladys Akpororo, she sell fish @mushin. My father's name is James Ovie Akpororo, he is a gateman @oshodi where we both live.

Akpos: Tina, so it is you!

Girl: Papa, so it is you!

Akpos: Your mother must hear this

Girl: Papa, mama is here o. LMAO

51. AKPOS AND UNCLE

Akpos went to Abuja to see his uncle. He got to his uncle’s office very early by 8am and the secretary said he should come back by 2pm that Oga is not around. So, Akpos had to hang around till 2 pm. By 1pm, hunger was wiring Akpos. He had not eaten since morning and only had N200 in his pocket. There was no bukka around the to eat swallow or rice, only big big hotels. Akpos began to feel dizzy so he decided to find a solution. He looked around and saw a fantastic 5 star hotel. He adjusted himself, cleaned his dusty shoe, wiped his oily face with hanky and entered the hotel with confidence. In d lobby, the receptionist at the front desk said: are u here to see somebody or you want to lodge? Akpos said confidently “lodging!”. The hotel receptionist said the cheapest room here

is N47k per night. Akpos: “no problem dis place is lovely, just like the

hotel I slept at yesterday in Dubai on my way from United states. Receptionist said “thank you sir“. Akpos said: But can I pay in hard currency as I've not changed my dollars?

Receptionist: No problem sir

Akpos: but first, where is your restaurant I want to eat before I go up to the room. They showed Akpos to the restaurant and told the chef to treat him well cos he was a new customer that just came back from US! The chef welcomed him and gave him the menu. Akpos first ordered appetiser, 2 bowls of assorted pepper soup with a bottle of red spanish wine. Total cost N18k. Next for the main meal, Akpos ordered pounded yam, efo riro with snail and catfish! - N15k. Akpos total bill was

now N33K but Akpos only had N200 They cleared his empty plate away and brought the bill. Akpos began to sweat even inside cold air conditioned room. The waiter came twice to the table, Akpos waved him away that he was still relaxing after the heavy meal. The staff began to suspect Akpos, that he didn’t have money, they called security and gathered round him. Akpos looked at all of them quietly, then he brought out one his phones and used it to dial another one in his pocket which was on silent.

Akpos (on the phone): Ehen, is it time? Yes na, the bomb is still with me not yet exploded. …In 2 minutes? Of course, no problem, I will detonate it on time. I‘m proud to be suicide bomber, and there are many people where I am, so the impact will be even better. Yes o. Government will have no choice but to listen to our cause. Before Akpos even dropped phone, the restaurant had cleared. As he walked out of the restaurant,

nobody was in the lobby. Even street sef empty!

One word for akpos!?!

52. MY DESTINY IS MY HANDS

Akpos went to a native doctor and requested to know how bright his destiny would be. The native doctor drew a circle with a white chalk and another circle with a black chalk. After that, he placed a dead millipede on the floor and asked Akpos to watch carefully. He said he would recite some incantation to make the dead millipede start crawling. He told Akpos dat if the millipede crawls into the white circle, it means that his destiny will be bright but if it crawls inside the black circle, it means his destiny will be dark. Finally he started his incantation and the dead millipede started crawling. When it got in between the two circles, it turned and started crawling towards the black circle. Akpos watched and immediately it was about entering the black circle, Akpos picked it and gently dropped it inside the white circle. The native doctor who got furious asked Akpos why he did that, Akpos replied;i won't fold my arms & watch my destiny crawl into darkness bcos my destiny is in my hands.

One word for akpos

53. MUMU AKPOS

GIRLFRIEND : (Low Voice) Sweety, Last night I had a dream about you.

Akpors: (excited) Oooh, Tell me Something Honey... :

GIRLFRIEND: I dreamt We were traveling in a bus, Suddenly the bus lost control and fell in the river. Everyone swam to save their life, but you were still swimming and searching for someone.

Akpors: (with luv): Oh,

Definately, i was searching for You..Right?"

: GIRLFRIEND: (Frown) NO, You were shouting, Conductor! Conductor!!, Please, Give me My Change before You Died…

54. AKPOS AND SONIA

Sonia: Hey-

Akpos: Who’s Hey?, don’t ever call me hey again!

Sonia: Sorry! My Love, how are you doing??

Akpos: I’m Fine! And You??

Sonia: I’m fine, but I need something from you

Akpors: What???

Sonia: Sweetie please could you SEND me 15k?

Akpos: 15k for what??

Sonia: 5k for my Cloth, 7k for my Hair and 3k for my Shoe

Akpos: sure my love, k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k,k.count it, its complete and take extra 2k. k,k that’s for your perfume, I didn’t like the

way your Body smells Last Night.

One Word For Akpos?

55. AKPOS AND LION

Akpo was walking in a bush when he suddenly saw a lion in front of him.

He knelt down praying God to deliver him. When he opened his eyes, he saw the lion kneeling also and praying.. Then Akpo asked the lion. "are You are also religious?" The lion replied..."shutup!!!! dont you pray before u eat!!!!!" haha..wat do u think happened????

56. UNFAITHFULL AKPOS

Akpos spent the night with his mistress and comes back in the morning.

WIFE: Where have you been? Where did you sleep?

AKPOS: At Johnny's place, he lost his sister.

WIFE: OK...you can eat your food, I'm going to the bathroom.

[After bathing]

WIFE: I'm going out...

AKPOS: Where are you going to?

WIFE: To Johnny's, need to check how they are doing.

AKPOS: Honey, they called the time you were bathing and told me she rose from the dead!

57. LIKE FATHER LIKE SON

Papa Akpos got drunk & came home very late. He sat on the door step for thirty minutes trying to figure out what to tell his harsh and super strict wife - Ekaitte the reason for his lateness. He gained courage, opened the door and found Ekaitte and his son (Akpos) watching a late Night movie. He passed them and went upstairs, his heart pounding hard. To his surprise, his wife didn't say a word. Just to confirm, he decided to walk past them, and again back to the upstairs corridor. But his wife didn't say a word. He signal Akpos to come.

And he asked him;

"How come today your mother isn't speaking?. or even uttering a word!"

Akpos replied; "She asked me for lipstick and I gave

her glue"

58. THREE FRIENDS

Three friends Akpos, Rukewe and Oghene decided to go for a picnic. Rukewe packs the picnic basket with drinks and sandwiches. Oghene carried the basket and they set out for the park 10km away. It takes them 2 hours to get there. When they arrived, Oghene found out that Rukewe did not pack the bottle opener. They begged Akpos to make the 4 hour trip to go for the opener. He disagreed. "You'll finish the sandwiches before I return", Akpos protested. "No we won't'", assured Rukewe. After some more cajoling from them, Akpos reluctantly sets out for the opener. After 5 hours, there was no sign of Akpos. They decided to wait for another 3 hours, still no sign of Akpos. After waiting for more than 8 hours they were now very hungry so they decided to take one sandwich each. As they were about to eat, Akpos pops out from behind a rock screaming "I KNEW IT! I'M NOT GOING AGAIN!!!"

59. MIND YOUR BUSINESS

A boy was in a taxi eating chocolate, then he took another one then a man next to him said "do u know that chocolate will damage your teeth".

The boy replied "my grandfather lived 132 years". The man asked "was it because of eating chocolate?" The boy replied "NO he was always minding his own business!"

60. AKPOS AND WIFE

"Argument between akpors and the wife" Akpors and his wife were arguing about man and woman,,,who is greater. These are there conversations... Wife: men are the head but women are the neck, without the neck, the head cannot stand, men where created out of dust but women were created out of flesh. and flesh is stronger than the dust. also....."anything man do.......woman can do it better. And in the life of any successful man there must be a woman.

Akpors: a woman is not complete without a man because you cannot spell "woman" without "man". You cannot spell "she" without "he". Nor "mrs" without "mr" Nor "madam" without "adam". and why is it that we say "Amen" in the church instead of "Awomen".

Vote akpors and his wife. Who won?

61. AKPOS AND MONEY

Akpos mistakenly sent 800 Thousand Naira to a wrong phone number via Mobile Money. Akpos realized that before the person withdraws the whole money, he had to think of what to do if he wants to get his money back. To the person phone number. He immediately sent a text: Hi Boss, i hope you are okay. I hope you’ve received the money i sent you for the introduction ceremony of joining Illuminati Satanism scheduled to happen at 12midnight. That money is only for transport. I will send you

more for pocket money and there are riches awaiting you. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood every 20 minutes. Please don’t be late because the devil will be present to officiate the ceremony. Thanks in advance. But in case you are not ready to join, please send back the money. 4 Minutes later. Akpos gets a Mobile Money message – You have received 800 Thousand Naira for your mobile money account.

One word for Akpos

62. THREE PASTORS

Three Pastors met and agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept as a secret between the three of them. The First Pastor Said: My problem is money I do steal even from the church offerings please pray for me. The Second Pastor Said: Mine is women, whenever I see any woman my desire will be to go bed with her. In fact I have slept with most of my female church members. Turning to the Third Pastor to hear his problem he started crying. It took his friends some effort to calm him. When they asked Him to continue he was still crying, He said "My problem is GOSSIPING when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me? Please Pray For me." The Two Pastors Fainted!

63. BOKO AKPOS

A man was on a taxi chatting on Whatsapp with a lady. Akpos who was sitting close to him was looking at his chat. The man became uncomfortable and then decided to change the chat style. He typed; Oga please tell Kabiru Sokoto or Abu Qaqa that i only took two of the bomb we just manufactured for this operation. Let them know as well that i may find it difficult to get to the target destination before the bombs explode because there is terrible traffic jam now but nevertheless, i am very sure casualty figure will be high since we are five in our taxi and all the vehicles in the traffic will be affected too. We have less than 3 minutes before the bomb explodes. As agreed, take care of my children. Bye bye.

Akpos without allowing the taxi to stop jumped down and ran away.

One word for Akpos

64. AKPOS IN HOTEL

Akpos just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Abuja. The manager told him:"...in here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant so you know how to address their every need even before they ask" Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly approached them, nicely took their baggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel. Please come this way to the reception"

... and he led them to the reception. After the couple had been taken care of, Akpos asked the manager, "Has the couple been visiting this hotel before?" "No" came the reply from the manager. "So how come you knew their name?" asked Akpos. "That is why I told you to be very observant. All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag". "Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?" "Ok" said Akpos and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs SUPERIOR HAND MADE LEATHER! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."

The manager fainted!

65. THREE UNIVERSITY STUDENTS

Three University student didn't write an exam because they did not study. They came up with a plan, got themselves dirty using grease then went to see the Dean. "Sir we are sorry we couldn't make it to then exam. We attended a wedding and on our way back the car broke down thus we became so dirty as you can see." The Dean understood and gave them three days to prepare. After three days they went to the Dean very ready for the exam because they had studied. The Dean put them in there separate classes.

There were only four questions in the exam paper:

1. Who and who got married? (25 mks)

2. Where was the reception held? (25mks)

3. Where exactly did the car break down? (25mks)

4. What type of car broke down? (25mks)

Note: Your answers must be the same. Good luck

66. BETTER THIS WAY

An elderly man boarded a bus in lagos with a pretty girl sitting close to him. A young man wanted to light a cigarette in the bus.

MAN: What is wrong with you young man, why would you light a cigarette in this bus? Do you want to kill this pretty girl here.

YOUNG MAN: Sorry sir...he put off the light.

After a long time in the traffic without movement, the pretty girl stretched with her hands in the air and a serious odour came out from her armpit. Immediately the elderly man said to young man.

MAN: Light the ciga!

YOUNG MAN: Sir?

MAN: Are u deaf? I say light the ciga!!!

YOUNG MAN: Ok sir. [He lit d cigarette]

MAN: Blow it to my nose, bloooow it!!!

YOUNG MAN: Yes sir.

MAN: It is better to die this way than to die that way!

67. MAKE THEM UGLY AGAIN

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and killed everyone. Upon arrival in heaven, God says "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can't decide on what to wish for so ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point Akpos who was last on the queue starts to laugh. The next couple of people make their wish to become beautiful and Akpos laughs even louder. One after the other the people wish the same thing and the closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder Akpors laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" Akpos said "MAKE THEM UGLY AGAIN"

68. NIGERIAN POLICE

Omo, police don upgrade oh, dis na d call center numba 112. There was a robbery in my neighbour's house and I called them... next thing I heard was. Welcome to Nigeria Police Emergency Center... for English press. 1, for Igbo press 2, for Yoruba press 3. Then I pressed 1... then another voice came up....For Car Accident press 1, for Armed Robbery press 2, for Boko haram please hang up...Den I pressed 2, another voice came up...If they're with knives press 1, pistols press 2, AK 47 press 3, machine guns press 4, bomb press 5, all of the above press 6...Then I checked and saw they were with all of them then I pressed 6... another a voice came up saying...

Hmmmm...! My brother, if your brother dey police u go gree make im come

69. NIGERIAN AND LAWYER

An American lawyer and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily, So the lawyer asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game. The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says. This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?" The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him $500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Nigerian up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

70. AKPOS AND RUKEWE

Akpors, John and Rukewe were stranded in the Sahara desert, when they saw a bottle of Wine. They were so happy because they hadn't taken a drink in days. They decided to share the drink equally among themselves.

John would take the top One-third, Rukewe would take the second, and Akpors would take the last. Since it was evening, they decided to keep it till the next morning, before drinking. Then they made themselves swear not to steal the wine. The next morning, the bottle of wine was empty. After cross examination, Akpors admitted he drank it. They asked him why and he said, "I woke up in the middle of the night, and was thirsty. But since my portion was at the bottom of the bottle, I had to drink through yours to get to it"

Please is Akpors at fault?

71. AKPOS AND TEACHER

A new science teacher walks into the classroom. Akpos asks the new teacher "Excuse ma, if you mix Omo and Klin, will there be foam?" Teacher responds "Yes of course, why ask such a silly question at the beginning of the year, are you going to pass this class at all?"

Akpos laughs and whispers to the other kids, "such a dumb teacher, how can you get foam without adding water, are we going to learn anything at all from this teacher?"

72. AKPOS AND RATS

AKPOS: I'm in big trouble!

JOHNNY: Why is that?

AKPOS: I saw a mouse in my house!

JOHNNY: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

AKPOS: I don't have one.

JOHNNY: Well then, buy one.

AKPOS: Can't afford one.

JOHNNY: I can give you mine if you want.

AKPOS: That sounds good.

JOHNNY: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

AKPOS: I don't have any cheese.

JOHNNY: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

AKPOS: I don't have oil.

JOHNNY: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

AKPOS: I don't have bread.

JOHNNY: Then what is the mouse doing in your house!?

73. ELECTIONS

Here is a conversation between three men about elections in their respective countries:

1ST MAN (An American):In my country, the winner of an election is announced a five hours after the election.

2ND MAN (A Chinese): My country is better, in my country, the winner of an election is announced an hour after the election.

3RD MAN (A Nigerian): My country is the best. The winner has already been announced even before any election.

74. PASTOR AKPOS

Akpos was baptized and dipped in water 3 times. At the 3rd time the Priest said : "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Godspower." Godspower went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said : "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice!" cheers was he right?

75. AKPOS AND DEATH

One fateful day, Mr. Death came to Akpos

DEATH: Akpos, today is your day

AKPOS: But I am not ready!

DEATH: Well your name is the next on my list.

AKPOS: Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?

DEATH: All right.

Akpos gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. Akpos took the list and removed his name from top of the list and put it at the bottom of the list.

When death woke up he smiled and said to Akpos, "Because you have been very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list"

76. THREE FRIENDS

Akpos, Ken and Seth went to rob a supermarket at night. They decided not to give an answer to any question if they were unfortunately caught. A neighbor saw them, called the police and unfortunately for them they were caught.

POLICE:[to Ken] What's your name?

There was no answer.

POLICE:[to Seth] What's your name?

He didn't respond either.

POLICE:[to Akpos] What's your name?

AKPOS: Ken and Seth did not mention their names why should I?

77. TAKE MY LOAD

Akpos was on his way to school when he alighted at station he was supposed to take taxi to the school

AKPOS: How much is the fare to the campus?

DRIVER: Two Cedis.

AKPOS: What about my load?

DRIVER: I will take no money for that.

AKPOS: Then take my load to the school I can walk.

78. COMPARISONS

1 boring monday morning, Mr. Tinko the English teacher enter Akpos class and addressed them.

He started: lets show the principal and our quest how much we have learnt so far this year. Lets do some comparisions……So i say small, you

Say small, smaller, smallest.. [we all nodded, looking very tired]

Mr. Tinko: big

Akpos Class: big, bigger ,biggest

Mr. Tinko: clean

Akpos Class: clean, cleaner, cleanest..

Mr. Tinko: tall…

Akpos Class: tall, taller, tallest

Mr. Tinko: Mr. Tinko smiled and said: very good

Akpos Class: very good, very gooder, very goodest

Mr. Tinko: oh gosh.

Akpos Class: oh gosh, oh gosher, oh goshest

Mr. Tinko: stop it now

Akpos Class: stop it now, stop it nower, stop it nowest

Mr. Tinko: oh please…

Akpos Class: oh please, oh pleaser, oh pleasest…

Mr. Tinko: look at me!!

Akpos Class: look at me, look at me-er, look at me-est

Mr. Tinko: what a disgrace.

Akpos Class: what a disgrace, what a disgracer, what a disgracest

Mr. Tinko: [so furious]:i don die

Akpos Class: i don die,.. i don dier, i don diest

79. AKPOS AND TEACHER

Teacher:If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Akpos: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Akpos: Seven!

Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Akpos: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Akpos: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Akpos: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!

80. ILLITRATE FATHER

An illiterate Father with his Educated son, Dumbo went on a camping trip. They set up their tent & fell asleep. Somehours later, Father wakes his Son,Dumbo up & asks ” Look up to the sky & tell me what you see?”

Dumbo:“I see millions of stars.”

Papa Dumbo:“What does that tell you?

Dumbo:“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of Galaxies & Planets.”

Papa Dumbo slaps Dumbo hard & says, “You idiot! Pesin don thief our Tent.

81. HUSBAND AND WIFE

Husband(AKPOS)working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling, I can't send you my salary this month becausethe global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100kisses. You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation. Your loving husband Akpos,

His wife replied Hey hubby Thanks for the 100 kisses.

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of

the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and

I hope I can survive the month using this balance.

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart

82. PASTOR AND DEMON

A Pastor was praying 4 a man possessed with demons and said, In da name of Jesus, What do you want from this man, Speak up before i cast u out this moment!!!The demon answered, I want him 2 win the America lotto draw worth$200 billion 2nyt..Then pastor lowers the microphone and whispered, Get out of him and enter into me......

83. AKPORS BEST MATHEMATICIAN

Teacher: Prove that 2/10 = 2

Japanese student: Wrong question.

Chinese student: No Way

American student: It's strange, how is it possible !!

AKPOS: I can solve it very easily sir,

Two / Ten = wo / en

( T with T cancel )

w = 23rd letter

o = 15th letter

e = 5th letter

n = 14th letter

So,

23+15 / 5+14

= 38 / 19

= 2

Answer is 2 sir

Teacher: Confused and Fainted!!!

Describe Akpos in One Word

84. A CHINESE, AMERICAN AND NIGERIAN MAN

A chinese man, American man and a nigerian man (MR Akpos) were traveling by sea suddenly d Devil appeared and said 2 dem, "drop anytin on d sea water,if i can find it, i wil eat u buh if I dn't i wil be ur slave".

D chinese man dropped a coin, devil found it and ate him,. D American man drop a pin, Devil found it and ate him,. Now its d turn of d Nigerian man Akpos who hails 4rm Warri, Akpos brought out his bottle water, and pour a drop on d sea and said, "oya devil, today nah today, u don jam, quickly find am".. Devil collapse…

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