Electric Itlog

Gospel of Jake

2008-03-31T04:03:00.001+08:00

Warning: This post is Long, Weird and Fictional. Not suitable for people under 18 years of age, depressed emo kids, hot guys who can get anyone they want and Dora the Explorer. By the way, it's just like reading a book from the Bible—a depressing gay bible that is.

Jake Calls Ross

¹ Jake waited until ten thirty. ² When the time arrived, he took the receiver and dialed the number. ³ After five rings, Jake heard Ross on the other end. ⁴ Jake said "Hi," Ross said "Hello." ⁵ They made small talk until around midnight. ⁶ Then Jake started to say what he wanted Ross to know.

⁷ "This is the 100th day of our friendship, I want you to know how happy I am to have known you." Jake said. ⁸ Ross did not respond immediately. ⁹ He did not know what to say. ¹⁰ Finally, Jake told him the truth. ¹¹ "I like you very much." Jake told Ross.

¹² Ross made excuses. ¹³ He said he was straight. ¹⁴ He said he cannot reciprocate the feeling. ¹⁵ He said he was in love with someone else.

¹⁶ Jake was heartbroken. ¹⁷ He didn't know what to do. ¹⁸ Finally, he just told Ross how he really felt. ¹⁹ "I really love you." Jake said.

²⁰ "If I was gay, I would love you too." Ross responded.

²¹ Jake was in joy, yet still incredulous. ²²He mustered the courage and asked Ross. ²³"Is that how you feel? Would you really love me if you were gay?"

²⁴"No." Ross responded poignantly. ²⁵"I just thought it was the right thing to say right now."

²⁶Ross heard the receiver slam.

***

Jake Sleeps with Bernard

¹Jake was on the bed with Bernard. ²The two men were kept decent only by the sheet that covered them. ³There was silence in the air, and the only light that shone was a lamp five houses away. ⁴Bernard took Jake into his arms into a tight embrace.

⁵Jake faced Bernard and gave him a light peck on the lips. ⁶Bernard smiled at Jake. ⁷Bernard is Jake's ex-boyfriend and they just finished their second round of sex.

⁸Bernard then told Jake what happened after they broke up. ⁹Jake was surprised that Bernard had a short lived relationship with Fred, a guy a year older than them. ¹⁰Fred went to the same school as Jake and Bernard. ¹¹Fred was a slut.

¹²"He's not great at giving blowjobs," Bernard confessed to Jake. ¹³"He doesn't seem to know what he's doing."

¹⁴Jake just gave Bernard a strange look. ¹⁵Bernard smiled at Jake. ¹⁶"He's not as good as you," he told Jake.

¹⁷Jake smiled at the thought, beaming and proud of his skills. ¹⁸He kissed Bernard hard on the lips which eventually turned into a full blown tongue fight. ¹⁹When they pulled away, Bernard's face carried a pensive expression.

²⁰"He kisses better though." Bernard said aloud.

²¹Bernard then heard Jake's fake snoring.

***

Red Calls Jake

¹Jake stood up and walked to the ringing phone. ²He took the receiver and placed it against his ear. ³"Hello." he answered.

⁴"Hi Jake, it's Red" the guy on the other side responded. ⁵"Oh hi Red." Jake said, unenthusiastically.

⁶Jake had confessed to Red, three days before, that he liked him. ⁷Red didn't respond at the confession and kept quiet. ⁸Jake was confused. ⁹He thought that Red was the one. ¹⁰He liked Red so much and he thought that Red liked him too. ¹¹Jake was wrong. ¹²Jake assumed something that wasn't true.

¹³Jake and Red talked on the phone for an hour. ¹⁴After some idle chatting, Red asked Jake the Killer Question.

¹⁵"Now that you've told me how you felt," Red started, "and I've told you that I didn't feel the same way, do I still have to wave at you or acknowledge you when we see each other or talk to you?"

¹⁶Jake was dumbfounded with what Red asked. ¹⁷He was furious. ¹⁸"Why not?" Jake asked, trying to calm down.

¹⁹"Because, some of the people who were like you..." Red started again, "..didn't want to talk to me after I told them I don't like them. I just thought that you'd want time to get over me."

²⁰Jake shook his head in disbelief. ²¹He saw red, not Red, just red.

²²"My world doesn't revolve around you Red." Jake said calmly. ²³"You're no longer significant to me."

²⁴Jake swore he heard crickets for two minutes.

***

Jake Kisses Phillip

¹Jake was at Phillip's apartment. ²Phillip was the boyfriend of Jake's best-friend. ³He asked Jake to accompany him that day, going around the city to do some stuff. ⁴Jake thought it was weird for Phillip to ask him for company, since he and Phillip weren't close.

⁵Jake's fears were quelled when Phillip started telling him about how his relationship with Jake's best-friend was on the rocks. ⁶Jake felt Phillip's need to know how to deal with his best-friend. ⁷He gave Phillip the best advice he could think off. ⁸Phillip was thankful.

⁹Jake and Phillip sat on the edge of Phillip's bed, watching the news on CNN. ¹⁰They chatted about many thing. ¹¹Suddenly, they looked at each other. ¹²Phillip kissed Jake on the lips.

¹³Jake was shocked, but he didn't fight Phillip. ¹⁴Jake kissed him back. ¹⁵After two minutes of lip-lock, they finally separated. ¹⁵Jake was in a state of confusion. ¹⁶He left Phillip's apartment in a daze.

¹⁷A few days later, Jake received a call from Phillip. ¹⁸He told Jake that he and his best-friend broke up and he wanted to be with Jake. ¹⁹Jake couldn't think of anything to say to Phillip. ²⁰He told him that he'll call him back.

²¹Jake never called Phillip back. ²²He was afraid of what might happen. ²³If Phillip could cheat on his best-friend, he could cheat on him too.

²⁴Through the next few months, Phillip became more persistent. ²⁵He courted Jake the best way he could. ²⁶But Jake was still afraid.

²⁷Phillip became tired of playing Jake's game. ²⁴He flew to Australia, never telling Jake he went away. ²⁵He never came back for Jake.

²⁶Jake knew he lost someone who he could have loved.

***

Jake Dreams of Gino

¹Jake had loved Gino for five years. ²He always loved him, even though Gino never knew. ³Jake was sure that Gino was straight, and if he told him, he'll just distance himself from Jake.

⁴One day, Kurt, a close friend of Jake, gave him a letter. ⁵He was surprised to learn that the letter was from Gino. ⁶Jake opened the letter, unsure of what it said.

⁷Jake was almost in tears. ⁸The letter contained a poem that answered another one which Jake wrote for Gino. ⁹And in the very end of the letter, Gino confessed to Jake that he was in love with him too.

¹⁰Jake was in ecstasy. ¹¹The man who he had loved for five year loves him too. ¹²The man who had been a constant source of pain, pleasure and inspiration for him was now finally going to be in his arms.

¹³Jake cried so hard when he woke up from his dream and found the letter no longer in his hands.

***

Jake Sees Jake

¹Jake stood up from his computer. ²He walked to the kitchen and started making some coffee. ³Jake then sat himself on a chair in the dining room. ⁴He pondered on the things that happened during the week.

⁵In less than seven days, Jake was able to meet four new guys through the Internet. ⁶In less than seven days, Jake was rejected by four new guys. ⁷One was too proud. ⁸One was too busy. ⁹One was too stupid. ¹⁰One was too taken.

¹¹That night, Jake met another guy. ¹²But Jake was scared, because from all the things that happened in his life, he knew that this was bound to fail.

¹³As he finished filling a mug with steaming coffee, he walked towards his bedroom. ¹⁴On the way, he passed by the antique mirror hanging by the wall of the hallway. ¹⁵Jake looked at himself.

¹⁶Jake is still alone.

Rush

2008-03-27T13:47:00.000+08:00

The room fell into an uneasy silence as I slid into it from the doorway on the right: the strong winds that promised a thunderstorm suddenly became dumb and the distant sounds of a howling dog turned into a memory—as if everything was ushered into silence, awaiting the start of a good scene that was meant for unadulterated viewing only.

No commentaries please! No small talk inside the theater! No smoking, drinking or eating allowed inside the auditorium! You are not allowed to breathe!

I put down the bulky messenger bag that has been burdening my shoulder for the past ten hours into its usual position by the dresser and took off my socks and tucked them into my shoes, which I gracefully toed-off while entering the room, then I proceeded by taking-off my shirt and my favorite denim jeans which left behind my blue and white pinstriped boxers that carefully hugged my scrawny body and kept me a safe distance from being fully nude.

I sat on the edge of my bunk that has become my refuge for the past four year—with the crisp blue sheet that was a sight to behold, topped by an old striped comforter laying across the old black bed in a non-recognizable form, carefully pinned down by the two pillows, dressed in a quirky case that bear prints of archaic shells and fleurs-de-lis, that were within my reach—but I decided to forgo slumber, instead I decided to reach to the table at my front and take what was left of a box of Marlboro lights, taking the stick that preceded the one which I had carefully turned over a day before.

The smoke rose into the air, as I let out the remnants of my first puff of the cursed poison—steadily mixing with the stale air that hangs inside the room and with the salty tears that escaped my eyes, brought about by the smell of burning paper and tobacco that slowly filled the room, impregnating the confines of the four walls with the scent of my chosen vice.

My prized dagger lied in peace on the hard concrete floor—a replica of a sixteenth century Italian weapon which I bargained for in a flea market six years before—glimmering with an invitation that I answered as I carefully snuffed my cigarette in a blue shot glass where I house the honorable dead butts that have serviced my lips with smoke.

The eyes of the non-visible audience grew wider, anticipating the scene that will logically follow..

I unsheathed my dagger and ran my fingers across the iron blade, noting in my head the features that have somewhat fallen into a dull state over the past years yet still sharp enough to inflict pain, and I carefully held the knife—as I did not want any accidents to happen that might save my life.

I could hear the imaginary crowd gasp in their seats and squirm in the sight of horror..

There was a slow rush of red and an even louder silence followed as I felt the heat as the liquid slowly crept down my arms and I wondered why a certain heavy numbness started to creep through by body, preventing me from the pain I sought to feel.

My mind told me it was time for another smoke, so I stood up and reached for the almost empty box of gold and white, unfazed by the blood that dripped into the floor and the table.

They can clean it up later.

Using the shaky fingers attached to the hand in the end of my uncut left arm, I took out my wish-stick—the last stick in box that has become a tradition of every pack and I steadied the flame of my lighter into the end of the cigarette that hanged from my lips.

And as the tip of the white roll of shredded tobacco started to burn, I let out the last wish among countless others:

Give me peace.

Disforget

2008-02-12T02:44:00.000+08:00

Warning: This post is unusually long. If you're not into reading long blog posts, do not proceed. If you are, then get yourself a comfortable chair. You'll need one.

I always had an eclectic taste in music. Unlike most other gay dudes out there who prefer high-pitched diva songs and popsy female vocals, I often find myself listening more to alternative rock bands, "emo" OPM acts and music that only straight guys would understand. Maybe this is the effect of spending seven years in an all-boys school where each first Friday celebration is accompanied by rock sounding mass songs... or maybe I was just born with heterosexual ears.

My usual Musikcube playlist is dotted with songs from many of my favorite bands: Spongecola, Yellowcard, Acceptance—to name a few. The emo sound really sticks to my ears, and I often find myself singing songs that would never give a hint of my sexual orientation.

But this post isn't about my auditory preference, but about one song from one of my favorite bands—the song that keeps on playing on my head; the song that I sing every time I board an FX home; the song that has kept me awake many nights, thinking and humming and introspecting.

That song is none other than Join the Club's Dekada (Nakalimutan Ko Na Bang Magmahal?).

***

I remember the first time I had a serious relationship: it was my senior year in high school. I rose from being a nobody to one of the campus figures—the one you see every morning and leading prayers, the one who asked you to rise and sit at every mass, the one who wrote the best documents for the student council, the one who introduced every guest, performer and activity during major campus events.

He was really more of a nobody. While I was standing under the lights of the follow-spots of the gymnasium, he was there among the multitude of students on my front clad in white polos and navy blue pants. We didn't share the same stage.

But to be fair, he did have his own stage. He was one of the best athletes in school, albeit not one of the well-known. Give him any kind of ball and you'll know he'll win. He could even beat me at table tennis if he wanted to.

We didn't really share the same space. His crowd, although not directly in opposition to mine, was not one of those that I hang out with. Unlike most of my batch, he was one of those freshmen transferees who never really fitted into the whole system.

I never really fancied him, nor did he fancy me (I think). All I know is that during our freshmen year, one of my close friends had a huge crush on him. But weird things happen. And come the third academic quarter of S.Y. 04-05, I found myself tied to him. We were the new couple... although no one knew except for him and me.

But it never turned out like the fantasies I had since I knew that I had a liking for men. And within three months, we broke up after an incident that is almost exactly like that in Jojo's "Leave":

Cause I know, about her and I wonder
How I bought all your lies
You said that you would treat me right
But it was just a waste of time.

It's funny that most of my friends only knew about our short-lived affair after we broke up. I guess we were good at keeping secrets. We did have casual sex every now and then after that, but we never really got back together, even if I have always wanted to.

I had flings and short lived affairs after that, but nothing serious nor long lasting. I guess I felt that that was my first, true relationship. And I never had another one since then.

***

Join the Club's Dekada has strong lyrics. Strong in a way that you either don't get it or get it completely as though it was written just for you.

Although the whole song is ripe with lines that strike the rusty chords of a loveless heart, perhaps the best line is from the chorus itself:

Nakalimutan ko na bang magmahal?

Join the Club has a track record for their songs dealing with the lives of broken hearted people—their band, after all, is a homage to the bitter. But this particular line has haunted me for quite a bit, because I have asked myself the same question for quite some time now.

***

Many of my friends who have not seen me for quite some time often begin our accidental conversations with the question:

"O, may jowa kaba ngayon?."

But for most of my close friends, this question almost never pops. I guess they know that I'm the type of guy who thinks boyfriends are like cellular phones—you don't have to get a new one every month. Indeed it has been quite some time since I last had to answer that question. I'm sure they know that if I had one, I'll be proud to tell them all.

Don't think of me as someone who's afraid to get into a relationship, or someone who doesn't have crushes or never fancies anyone; I have had more crushes than the number of contacts in my phone book. And the list grows almost every month. And I'm sure that if someone I like asks me to be his boyfriend, I'd be on the next train out of Singlestown.

But though I can say that I know how to fancy, I cannot say for certain if I still know how to love.

***

Whenever I go and meet my friends, I try to stay with them as much as I can. It's not always because I love wasting my time but because I don't want to go home.

Because location has always been a problem for me. The places I tend to visit the most are the places which tend to be miles away from where I live. When I was still studying at UST, it would take me an hour to get there every morning and another hour to get home at night.

I always get that nasty feeling whenever I wave goodbye to my friends, because I know that in a few minutes time, I will be boarding my ride home, alone and lonely.

Two full hours (sometimes even more) of being alone.

***

They say that you can't forget being human—because that's who you are. I won't be wrong to say that you can't forget hunger or thirst or pain.

But when you've been alone for almost all your life, is it not possible to forget how to love?

***

Do you know that feeling you get when your riding a PUV alone and a bunch of people ride the same vehicle and they talk for hours on end about all things they could think of and when they say something funny, you're left all alone to fend off the laughter in you? It seems that it's rude to laugh at jokes which are not directed towards you.

How about that feeling you have when you suddenly remembered something and you want to share it with someone else but unfortunately, you have no one to talk to, aside from the other people around you who you barely know?

How about when you go to bed at night, feeling so sad, wanting nothing else but to share the bed with another human being, only to find that you are still alone and that the only thing that will touch you is the cold wind from your fan?

And how about you not needing to remember those things, because you never forgot them in the first place since this is how each and every moment of your life feels?

It sucks to be lonely.

***

I love the concept of the word "forget." At it's purest, it is a verb, an action word. But aside from that basic definition, it has semantical implications that are very interesting.

Unlike many other verbs, "forget" can be intentional or unintentional—meaning you can do it on your own free will or do it without your knowledge. There are two sides to this word. Two very different sides.

***

Yes, to answer Dekada's question. Yes, I have forgotten how to love. I have forgotten how it feels like to care for someone so much that you can't sleep or you can't eat or you can't even think properly. I have forgotten how it feels like knowing that you'll have someone who cares for you so much. I have forgotten the feeling of sleeping with someone you love so much at night and waking up to see him still there, still with you, still loving you.

And now I remember how it feels like to be so alone.

***

The English forms of the two concepts of "forgetting" are the same, primarily due to the highly uninflected grammar of the language. But if we switch to the Tagalog forms, it becomes clearer.

The Tagalog root word is "limot." There are two verb forms in the present tense: "kinalimutan" and "nakalimutan." The first signifies forgetting willfully, out of your own free will. You forget because you want to, because you need to.

But the second is an unconscious act: one which you didn't do on purpose, one without consent. It's not your decision to forget. It was due to circumstances, it was accidental, it was unwanted. It was Fate that decided.

I find it interesting that the line that strikes me most from the Dekada doesn't use the first, intentional form but takes the second one:

Nakalimutan ko na bang magmahal?

Why is it interesting? Because the song is given a whole new depth. The lyrics resonate a new message: with this unconscious act of forgetting, there is that possibility of reversing the action.

With every instance of "nakalimutan" comes the hope of redemption:

Maalala

***

If I fall, will someone catch me? If I cry, will someone dry my tears? If I'm sad, will someone cheer me up? If I'm cold, will someone be there to warm me with in arms? If I wake up, will someone be there by my side?

If I finally decide that it's time, will someone be there to help me remember how to love?

***

This is one of my longest posts and certainly one of the most "emo." I won't be apologetic about the length—I have so many things to say and I need many words to express them.

You can infer that from the subject, the tone and the length of this post, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and you're right. I guess that's all I can do while I'm all alone.

In the end, I'd like to post another question to myself, now that the former question that Dekada has posited upon me has been answered:

Maalala ko pa kayang magmahal?

The Need

2008-01-18T02:04:00.000+08:00

A few months ago, the BBitch and I were sitting at Rosarito, talking about stuff. Inevitably, our conversation headed towards the topic of boys—wait, I meant to say, a boy. And after clearing out the basic terms and definitions we were using throughout the conversation, BB finally asked me, "What will I do?"

I said (in an academic tone I always use when trying to make a point):

You must make him feel different when he's with you. You must offer him that one thing, that single thing that only you could give. This single thing must be something that he'll want, something that he'll try to have. It must not be anything that can be lost or anything that anyone else could give. It must be that unique thing you bring to the table.

And when he finally realizes that this one thing, that only you could bring, is essential to him, then you have created the Need.

The Need. A very interesting concept...

***

When I talk about the Need, I'm not referring to Maslow's Hierarchy—but it is somewhat connected (I think..). In case you slept through your basic psychology class, the Hierarchy of Needs is a theory of personality created by Abraham Maslow that proposes that personal growth is achieved by fulfilling different needs—which range from the physical (food, water, air, etc.) to the more "spiritual" aspects (morality, creativity, etc.). And because I slept through the same discussion, I will refer you to the Wikipedia article, in case you still need some brushing up.

But as I said, this is not really about those needs. When Maslow defined the needs, he placed the need for Love and Belonging (which includes sexual intimacy) right in the middle. But this was a generalization—one that says that humans need to feel a sense of belonging.

The Need that I speak about here is not the simple need for love, but rather that special driving force that binds us to another person. The Need is the reason why you can't sleep at night, why you can't eat breakfast, lunch or dinner and why you can't talk about that special someone without loosing your breath every two minutes.

Think about it. There are literally billions of people sharing the same planet with you, and more than half of them aren't as bad-looking as you think. It is not impossible for you to be attracted to an eight of the whole population of earth.

But somehow, there's that one special person who you will care for the most. The one who will make you forget all others. The one who will make you think that the sun and the moon revolves only around the two of you, and that everyone else is a gate crasher on your perfect date on earth.

Why that one person? There are billions of others, but you chose that one instead of the other billion. Why?

"Love! It's Love I tell you!" I can hear people shouting now. But I'm pedantic, and the concept of "love" is too vague. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the Need.

Yes, the Need. I believe that then real driving force of love is not a metaphysical or even spiritual force. The real battery that makes love go round is the Need, and nothing but.

As Leann Rhymes sung:

I need you like water, like breathe, like rain.
I need you like mercy from heaven's gate..

You might think of me as too unromantic, having the guts to exchange that highly valued concept of love for a rather simplistic and crude view that we are all just driven by a need.

Yes, you can whine your romantic ass all you want. But think about it hard—so hard that you almost feel your brains explode.

Why do you like someone? Why he (or, ehem, she) of all people? Don't give me that "you-don't-need-to-give-reasons-on-why-you're-loving-somebody" shit, because no one really cares for that anymore.

If you examine your feelings to the point of actually getting zen-like enlightenment, then you'll see that there are really reasons, logical explanations on why you're hooked and not just weird new-age theories.

At first you're going to give reasons that start with "I love him cause I like the way" or "I love him cause I love how" or even "I love him cause I love his".. You're still not getting it, because frankly, you're just trying to enumerate some of the things you like about him.

But when you get to the point that you'll say things like:

I love him cause I need to feel the way he messes up my hair when he thinks I'm corny.

I love him cause I need to see him smile every morning when I wake up beside him

I love him because I need to feel his touch, or else I know I am destined to be alone forever.

In that one blissful moment, you have finally discovered the Need.

***

But wait, aren't we forgetting something that Claudine Barretto said in Milan?:

Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako?
O kailangan mo ako dahil mahal mo ako?

If I was Piolo Pascual in that scene, I would have probably said something like this:

Boba, e'di pareho!

Isipin mo nga, pano kita mamahalin kung hindi kita kailangan? Kailangan ko munang maramdaman na isa ka sa mga bagay na hindi pwedeng mawala sa buhay ko. Kailangan ko munang madama na ikaw ang hangin at na hindi ko kayang huminga kung wala ka. Kailangan kong madama na ikaw ay tubig at na mauuhaw ko kapag bigla kang naglaho. Kailangan ko munang makita na ikaw ang ay pagkain na papawi sa gutom kong puso. At kapag alam ko na na kailangan talaga kita para mabuhay ako sa mundong ito, doon ko lamang malalaman na mahal kita.

At kapag mahal na kita dahil kailangan kita, alam kong kakailangin na kita—dahil ikaw ang mahal ko

As you can see, love will always be directly proportional to the Need. As the Need increases, so those love. It's not hard to reconcile the ideas.

So the next time you find yourself looking out the window, staring into the sky and imagine how it would feel like to finally touch his skin in the heat of passionate romance, think about the Need and what the friggin' hell you can do so you can get him to need you too.

I guess I've blabber too much, explained too little and place myself in a great position of being targetted by the fury of those who have erected the altars of cupid. But then again, please remember, it's early Friday morning and I haven't slept for two days..

And so, as I can now hear my bed calling me once more, I leave you know with this very romantic quote I heard a few days ago:

Para kang bubble-gum na kahit wala nang lasa,
hindi ko parin maitapon.

Hiated

2008-01-10T17:12:00.000+08:00

For a moment, imagine yourself finally taking a deep breath after ten hours of continuous computer programming. You finally finished ninety-percent of the project you were struggling to complete before the year ended—which you couldn't because of the multitude of new DVDs you keep on buying every two days.

You opened Safari, which you believe is the best browser around (while not downplaying Firefox), and you navigated to your blog. Everything seems in order. The posts are still there, the cool theme you created still works fine, and look here! There's a new comment.

And then you notice something very weird. So look again. No, this is not induced by the ten cups of coffee you had within the hour, nor the funny video about Whitney that Misterhubs posted four days ago (which you were only able to read the night before). You shriek in horror.

Yes, you haven't updated your blog for almost two months.

In the swirling confusion that haunted the air in that moment, you quickly opened notepad. You stared at the blank white background and tried to think of something to write. But because of your NADD, you struggled first to come up with a nice title—something unique, something weird, something that comes in a single word. And finally, after 30 minutes of quiet conversation with yourself, you opted to name your post by turning the perfectly valid noun hiatus into a linguistically improper verb.

Welcome to my world.

***

Yes, I know that it seems as though my blog has been deserted. Contrary to what you might have heard, I didn't loose my typing hands during New Year's eve over a freak accident that involved three roman candles and some petroleum jelly. I have just been so busy over the past two months that I couldn't push myself to stop for a while and open my word-processor (Yes, I use notepad—it's cool) to create a new post.

I guess it'll be too late to create a year-ender post or a new year's post. So I'll just do what I normally do when I see a blank piece of paper—I'll write a list of posts I should have written over the past two months (which I didn't).

Rizal (Rizal at Blummentrit)
Summary of Post: The Artistang Artlets play where I played the lead role. The most dramatic (in more ways that five) AA play ever and a whole lot of fun.
Barely Little Christmas (Christmas 2007)
Summary of Post: Even though I didn't receive (nor give out) any gifts, even though I didn't join the AA Party, even though I didn't attend UST's Paskuhan, even though my most hated person in the world didn't send me his Christmas greeting, this is one of the best Christmas I ever had.. ^_^
Karaoke (Post-Christmas, Pre-New Year)
Summary of Post: A very intimate description of the multitude of songs, vocal styles and artistic interpretations I learned from using the big, bulky, videoke machine my folks rented for two weeks.
And There (Year Ender)
Summary of Post: My year ender which should have included a gist of my whole year and the list of my top ten most influential people of 2007. Bloody brilliant!
Bombshell (New Year's Post)
Summary of Post: Details of how the hottest guy from our block almost turned to cinder—all because of me. (Hint: it involves a cigarette and a five-thousand-piece Judas's Belt).
And Here (Year Starter).
Summary of Post: My year starter which includes a list of resolutions, wishes and goals. Bloody stupid.

So there, everything that you and I both missed. Hope you're happy. Don't worry, I have already prepared my 2008 Christmas, Year Ender and my 2009 New Year's and Year Starter posts so I won't miss anything this year.

And finally, I just wanna say that the Hiatus period is over. I'm done hiating (hiatusing just sounds wrong), so everyone:

Tadaima! I'm Back!

Armed

2007-11-19T10:00:00.000+08:00

I boarded a bus at Robinson's Galleria. It was a Saturday, and I running out of money faster than you can say "peso." I sat down on an empty seat halfway to the end of the air-conditioned bus and I sighed heavily. The money I was expecting didn't come and all I wanted to do is sleep.

I was stirred a few minutes later and I felt the bus going towards the halt. The window to my right sported the view of the Star Mall. Shaw, I thought to myself. The bus doors opened and several people boarded the bus. And then, almost like a vision, I saw him.

He was 5'11, short messed-up hair, moreno and as hot as the burning sun outside. He was all dressed-up in a blue shirt that displayed the work of an unknown graphic designer and stone-washed jeans, perfectly showcasing the well defined legs underneath.

And after that vision of hotness that might have burned my eyes a little bit, I again fell back to sleep.

The bus stopped again. I turned to the large glass window on my right and saw the industrial design of the old car-park near the Ayala Station. Makati, I said silently in my brain. Still a few minutes before I hit home. I decided to snooze some more. But before I did, I turned to my left, which was now occupied by an unknown person.

There he was, to my surprise, seated right next to me. Amazement suddenly knocked me off my sleepy state, and I could now clearly see how hot this guy was. For a moment I wanted to borrow the sunglasses dangling from his shirt—the sight was just too much to behold. I'm was afraid that I may permanently be blinded. But I endured the sight of this almost surreal being of the heavens.

And after a few minutes of ogling, I again regained the ability to close my eyes. I slept once more.

But my dreams of buying the latest book on programming the universal serial bus was cut short. My mind suddenly became half awake, with my eyes still shut.

I felt something in my lower back, down the hip area—a firm yet gentle touch with a slight tingle of heat. In a split second, my mind processed the whole moment and I suddenly came to the conclusion that this hotness who sat beside me has just place his hand on my hips.

Oh fucking heavens! What in the world is happening? Is this guy trying to rob me? Hmm, it could be.. But then again, I'm dead broke, and his hands are too far away from that thin piece of leather that once upon a time held my cash. Maybe he's trying to mess with me. But why? My mind had numerous questions.

But in that fleeting moment, I felt as though someone cared for me. Someone liked me. Someone wanted me so badly that he'll risk being mistaken for a pick-pocket just so he could lay his warm, muscular arm around my waist. Honestly, I was in heaven.. for about 30 seconds.

He suddenly stirred, and I stirred too. He woke up, and I woke up. He realized where his hand was lying and quickly pulled it. I could swear I heard the angels suddenly gasp and cry. He looked at me with a gaze of shock, and I now realized that we were both fully awake.

"Oh my god!" he said, in a voice that reverberated through the whole bus. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!"

"Uhm," I responded, not knowing what to say. "It's okay?.."

"I'm so sorry! I was dreaming!" he explained, his face now flushed red and reconfigured into a look of apology. "I really don't mean it! I really didn't know!"

"It's okay," I said, repeating myself like I always do--but with a tender tone and a seducing smile.

"I was dreaming that I was still at home. Akala ko you were my girlfriend."

There it was, the answer that I was searching for a minute back. It hit me on the face like a triple-coated, industrial-grade, teflon pan. I was dumbfounded, flabbergasted, and that other weirdly spelled adjective that could mean "shocked, confused, weirded-out and disappointed" at the same time.

He stood up, still apologizing and looked for a seat in the front of the bus. I sat there, still trying to figure out what just happened. From afar I can hear his voice, now directed to his girlfriend who was on the other side of his cellular phone. He was relating what happened.

I just sat there silently. I had no one to call, no one to text. I couldn't share the moment, the shock, the confusion and the all-too-sudden depression I felt.. and I found it impossible to just close my eyes.

Within a minute, I found myself standing up, walking towards the exit of the bus. He rushed off before me, trying not to bump into me again, and could no longer find him among the multitude of people outside the bus.

I smiled. I could only imagine what could have happened if I was right: if he was really trying to touch me, if he really wanted me. But alas. I left the bus, alone once again, with no one to touch my back.

And as I walked home, I remembered that depressing fact that I still didn't have any money in my pocket.

Ten Things

2007-11-13T00:02:00.000+08:00

Here's a list of ten things about me I probably haven't told you before.

When I was young, I believed that my sole destiny was to become a priest. I would often lead prayers during family gatherings and I was the "most religious" kid on the block. And although I no longer subscribe to the Catholic faith, I still dream, every once in a while, of performing mass and giving an ass-kicking sermon.
I'm a DB Alumnus and I'm the only one from my campus who can claim that I did it with a batchmate inside the Assistant Principal for Student Affairs Office. Yup, I'm that adventurous. It was class hours and the Assistant Principal was making rounds while the Student Council Treasurer, another Batchmate and I were in the office. My other batchmate got horny--and apparently, horniness is very contagious. So we did it there, with the SC Treasurer (who is a close friend) on the lookout. Thank god my friend had clear eyesight. We finished our, uhm, "student affairs" just before the Assistant Principal finished his rounds.
Currently, I have around two-hundred books in my collection, of which only twelve are fiction. I have 43 books on graphic design and the arts, 16 books on programming, 30 books on different sciences, 19 books on linguistics, 20 general reference books and 61 books on religious studies. (Not to mention around two-thousand plus Digital Books.) Total estimated price of all printed books is around a quarter of a million pesos. And yes, I have read less than half of them. ^_^
I suffer from N.A.D.D. or Nerd Attention Deficiency Disorder. As there is no known medication for this illness, it seems that I'm doomed to live with it.
I was once banned from Timezone Glorietta after I got into a fight with another gamer there. I probably would have kicked his ass, had he not invoked the help of six other men. (Hello? A gang of three gay men against seven "rappa-gansta" dudes? If only it was in bed.)
I was voted-off once from my High School course session. While the teacher was blabbering away about connecting to a database with an ActiveX control, I was busy speaking with my seat-mate regarding the cute guy a year ahead of me that I was eying during lunch. The next thing I know, my teacher was asking my classmates, "Who would like your talkative classmate [refering to me] to leave the room?" Apparently half of the class raised their hands. I stood up, walked to the door. And before I left the room, I turned around, faced my classmates and said, "Okay lang, because I already know what he's talking about. I'm sure I will pass this course.. Are you as confident as I am?" I left the room and I slammed the door.
I don't have a sense of time and a sense of dates. I could wake up on a Wednesday at around 2pm and think that it's 10am on a Monday. Thus, I'm a big loser when it comes to time management, and that's my biggest weakness.
I have a knack for forgetting the important stuff and remembering the trivial ones. For instance, don't expect me to remember your birthday or your phone number. But I can tell you the first text message you've ever sent me and the every small detail of the funny story you told me the other day.
I get all giggly and girlish every time I watch a cheesy romantic comedy. You'll see me laugh, cringe and cry. And speaking of movies, the last Harry Potter flick is the sole reason why I will never-ever return to Trinoma again.
I am addicted to typography, typefaces and fonts. Don't ever ask me what my favorite font is, unless you want a two-hour lecture on the history of fonts and why I despise certain typefaces. I once became so afraid of this addiction when I correctly pointed out which paragraph was set in Times New Roman from a text rendered in twenty similar fonts. And weirdly enough, a beautiful sans-serif font can put me in an orgasmic state.

Post

2007-11-03T14:50:00.001+08:00

Gelo started snapping his fingers impatiently, as if trying to make a tune to break the silence that surrounded him. The sun was slowly hiding from his view, and he saw that people were already packing up their things, saying their last prayers and leaving the cemetery. He looked at his watch. Quarter to six.

Where is he? Gelo thought to himself as he seated himself at the foot of the tall white angelic figure overlooking a majestic tomb owned by a family he knew nothing of. He took a deep breath and crossed his hands. He closed his eyes as if listening for something. He heared the slamming of a car door from a distance. He's here.

Gelo opened his eyes and looked to his left, where the sight of a mahogany tree greeted him. At the side of this aging tree was a man, dressed in a green polo shirt, straight cut denim pants and an old pair of red chucks. His face was well-defined, his hair styled to look unstyled. He was holding nothing except for a single white rose on his left hand.

But Gelo didn't pay attention to what the guy was wearing or what he was holding. What Gelo noticed the most was the man's brown eyes—which had that empowering sense that captured him five years ago when he first met him, walking towards the bench he was sitting on. And in that moment, as the man slowly walked over to were he stood, Gelo knew that this was the man he was waiting for.

"I didn't expect you'd come."

"Don't lie." Brian answered as he approached him. "You always say you didn't expect something, yet you always hope it will still happen."

Gelo smiled. He knew Brian knows too much about him. He also remembered that Brian had beaten him twice in separate Debate Competitions during their senior college year. He would rather be silent than face the agony of defeat once more.

"How's tita? I've heard she got sick." Gelo asked as Brian drew nearer. "I hope she's doing well."

"Just a minor cold." Brian replied, almost automatically, as he sat down beside Gelo. "She's doing fine."

"That's good." said Gelo. "I was really worried when I heard, I thought it was something serious. And how about your sister? Did she pass the Bar Exam?"

"No results yet. But I think she will." Brian answered sparsely.

Gelo knew that something was bothering Brian, who was normally more outspoken. He starred at him and saw the contours of his face. He knew of the story of every line, every speck and every small detail. This wasn't unchartered territory for him. Everything has been revealed before during those mornings when he woke up with him at his side.

But Brian wasn't looking at Gelo, nor was he examining his face. He was starring at the horizon, observing how the silhouettes of the tree atop the distant hill overlooking the cemetery were playing tricks on his eyes, with the help of the light of the setting sun. The orange flares made the swinging branches dance with life, as if enchanted by some strange form of magic.

"What's bothering you?" Gelo asked.

Brian looked away from the dancing tree as silence was broken. He bowed his head and took a deep breath.

"Tell me." Gelo demanded almost silently.

An eerie silence hung around the now darkening cemetery. Brian looked up. He faced Gelo and looked straight at his eyes.

"I found somebody new." Brian revealed.

Gelo smiled weakly and looked away. A sudden feeling of dread and vindication flooded him. Slowly, the memories of him and Brian passed through his eyes, like memories pass through the eyes of those standing between the lines of life and death.

"I know." Gelo replied in a faint yet confirming voice.

***

Brian stood up and walked slowly towards big tomb before them. There was a faint light coming from the candles left burning inside by visitors now gone. He could smell the burning wax and feel the slight heat lingering in the air. He clenched his fists and remembered the single rose he brought. For a moment, he thought he had been pricked by a thorn. But there was no blood or any wound.

Gelo didn't stand nor stir. He sat there motionless, trying hard not to cry, but finding it harder to let out a tear at the same time. The news wasn't startling. After all, he knew for some time now about Brian's new love. But Gelo found it impossible to speak any works to break the invisible wall now dividing them.

Brian held out his watch towards the yellow glow. Ten minutes past seven.

"It's getting late." Brian said. "I think I should get going."

Gelo stood up. He hesitated for a moment, but suddenly found the words he wanted to blurt out.

"Do you still remember our first kiss?"

Brian turned around. In his mind, the moment which Gelo sought to remember replayed and he remembered every sound and every color; every scent and every movement were now repeated in his mind. The memory flooded his senses, and once again he was at that old Italian restaurant where their lips first met five years ago, underneath the light of a full moon.

"No." Brian replied coldly.

Gelo could do nothing but smile. He was looking down, afraid to show Brian the tears that are now slowly pouring from his eyes. He let out a small sob, but took out his faded white handkerchief and wiped this eyes dry. He sat down.

"What happened to us?" Gelo asked Brian, who now stood silently before him. "What happened to everything we were?"

Brian couldn't find the words to answer the question. He wanted to spout out reasons and explanations, but he knew that it wasn't the right time for philosophical blabberings.

"I guess," Brian slowly whispered, "I guess some things just need to end."

Gelo didn't move. Nor did Brian. The air was thick and the silence was almost unbearable. From the distance, they could hear the last set of people walk out of the cemetery. They were all alone now.

***

"Angelo.." Brian finally whispered.

Gelo looked up. He always loved the way Brian called out his full name, and it always made him feel all tingly inside when he heard him pronounce each sound. It was like his name was being discovered for the first time, like a new word being produced out of thin air. It was magical and it was special.

But this time there was no magic.

"It's been two years." Brian continued. "Two years emptiness. Two years of nothing. I think I've suffered long enough. I think it's time for me.. for us.. to move on.."

"I guess I was always right with my guesses." Gelo responded without looking at Brian. "I guess I should have known that this time will come, sooner or later. Or maybe, I already knew that it would end up this way. I have always expected it.. but maybe I didn't hope for it."

The silence and darkness merged, and the cemetery was now almost emptied from both sound and light. The two men now glowed faintly of gold, lit by the candles that dotted the tombs scattered around them. No words were spoken. No movements were made. Only breath can be heard. Slow and faint breathing.

"It's weird when you look at it." Gelo said in an amused tone. "It's ironic that we are finally letting go and we're doing it in a cemetery. We can't do it like normal people do. We can't do it on the phone. We can't do it in public. It has to be secret and hidden. It's like we're burying our past and leaving it behind, never speaking of it again."

Brian didn't answer. He walked over to were Gelo was sitting and lifted his arm, extending the rose to Gelo, who still sat upon the foot of the tall angelic work of art. Gelo lifted his head and saw the beautiful flower, bathing in the light of the distant candles, glowing faintly. He took it and he examined it in the way he examined Brian's face. Its beauty was not fit for such a moment and it felt as though it was mocking him.

Brian turned around and started walking. "I'm leaving."

Gelo stood up, still trying not to look at Brian.

"Did when did you learn that you didn't love me anymore?"

Brian stopped. For a moment he stood there motionless.

***

"Blue." Brian whispered.

"What?" Gelo said, unable to understand the meaning of what Brian said.

"You were wearing a blue shirt on the night of our first kiss." Brian replied as he turned around. "I remember your white cordoroy pants, your light brown sneakers, your Hugo Boss perfume. I remember the way your hair bounced a little while we walked along the patio of that old Italian restaurant you always loved to check out. I remember the chicken scarpariello you ordered and the casata we shared. I remember the Fontodi Chianti you told me to order. I remember the violins that played as we were walking out. I remember us gazing at the full moon and how you said that you never saw the moon that big before enthroned around the majesty of stars. And most of all, I remember the heat of your lips as it touched mine. I remember the moment when I knew I really loved you."

A tear came rolling down Gelo's cheeks as he listened to Brian's words. He looked at the man before him and he smiled.

"So that's how it was." Gelo said, more tears now rolling from his eyes.

"And honestly, I don't know when I learned that I no longer love you." Brian told the man before him.

"Because I never stopped loving you."

Gelo's smile widened as more tears began falling.

Brian could not say anything else. He smiled and turned his back and started heading to the parking lot. And as he watched him disappear into the distance, Gelo let out a faint sigh. He felt relieved in some way, as though he has somehow moved on. And as he heard Brian's car slowly drive out of the cemetery, he smiled, and he felt the special tingle he had always yearned to feel again since he died two years back.

Electric Itlog: Now Even Stickier

2007-10-28T03:20:00.000+08:00

After almost ten hours of mind-numbing coding and design, it's finally finished. Yes, I'm proud to present to you the new edition of my blog. Welcome to Electric Itlog, Oh-Sooo-Sticky Edition.

Yeah, I know that it's almost a month late (me and my press-releases), but I've been so buried with my client work that I didn't have the time to actually finish my design. I spent quite some time trying to figure out how this new edition will look, trying out new ideas and techniques I have learned through my past projects. In fact, I had to go through three design ideas before finally settling for this one.. And it's good cause I'm happy.. Hehehe..

As the name suggests, this edition of Electric Itlog is inspired by stickers. Thus, the "stickish" design and the fancy wallpaper background. I chose a light powder blue as the highlight color and blended it with hues of rich gray (which, accidentally, I worship and adore.)..

Anyhow, this is still a work in progress. I'm just excited to see it working, so I didn't plug-in all the things that I want. There are still some elements that I'll add in the near future, including nifty ajax functions and javascript effects. So don't be suprised if it suddenly breaks or goes down every now and then.. As I said, it's a work in progress.

There are also some things to take note:

This theme will look different depending on whether or not you're using Internet Explorer. If you are, you'd probably see the next best thing. There will be no semi-transparent backgrounds and great PNG based overlays (due to the lack of PNG transparency in IE6 and below). I had to hack my way (in several different places) just to be able to showcase something in IE. I even got to the point that I wanted to not include IE support. But knowing that most people are still stubborn enough to use it, I just did my best.
If you're using Firefox, Opera or Safari (or any other browser, except IE or derivatives of IE), then congratulations! You're browser doesn't suck!
Javascript and CSS will make the experience better.. But they're not really required..

Well, here it is: the seventh reincarnation of my blog. I thank every one who cares to drop by every now--you are the reason I love doing these things.. ^_^

Don't forget to drop a comment if you have suggestions, questions or plain comments..

It Could Have Been Me

2007-10-19T20:53:00.000+08:00

I guess you've all heard about the Glorietta Blast. Let me just say one thing: I am so grateful that by some force of heaven, things didn't go the other way.

Let me explain for a second. I am a Glorietta Person. Ever since I could remember, I have always thought of Makati—and Glorietta in particular—as my sanctuary. You'll often find me lurking around the shops at Glorietta, looking at books or buying clothes. This mall is like my third home.

The blast happened at Glorietta 2 at Luk Yuen. Near this resto is a branch of Starbucks where I usually buy a cup of coffee before going home. A few steps further are branches of CD-R King and Booksale, two other stores were I frequently hangout to buy stuff from.

Thinking about it, it could have been me. I could have been one of over seventy people injured in the blast. Or worst, I could be one of the unfortunate few who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I could have been just a few meters from the blast. I could have been ordering a cafe americano. I could have been buying DVDs or thumb-drives. I could have been browsing through books. I could be lying in a hospital right now. Or the scariest thought of them all, I could have been a lump of meating flying all over the curb.

But I'm not.

It's really an eye-opener when something like this happens. Had my theater org's event fallen on another day, or had I been hard-headed and decided that I will not catch-up when they left me (because I was late), or had I been impulsive enough to go to Glorietta today, you might not be reading this post.

But you are.

It's weird when I think about all the possible things that could have happened. It really makes me wonder how great the circumstances were that place me away from the things could have happened.

You might think of me as too cliched, but I really believed that the Higher Powers are still keeping me here because they have a plan. As John's mom reminded me, this is the second time that I dodged a Makati incident--it was also luck that kept me away from the blast that happened on a bus under the Ayala MRT station a few years ago (I get my ride home from there). I feel so lucky that some possibilities turned out to be impossible and that I am still here, still alive, still kicking.

Glorietta is closed for now, and will remain closed to the public until all things have been sorted out. In my estimate, it'll take more than a few weeks to clean out the mess and to finish the investigation. The long time it'll take for them to rebuild and resecure the place will be the amount of time I have to wait for until my sanctuary becomes a safe place once more.

Until then, I guess I'll just have to live my life to the fullest. Because even if it could have been me, it turned out that wasn't me--and that's all that really matters.

[WWYD] What Would You Do?

2007-10-06T00:18:00.000+08:00

A set of interesting case scenarios. When in a tight spot, what would you do?

One of the most interesting aspects of creating websites for clients is the use of case scenarios. This is where you create scenes for potential users and try to see how they work it out.

I find it interesting because it helps me understand what people are most likely to do and why they do it. It gives a glimpse of the minds of my users, helping me understand them better.

This time, I'm trying something new. Instead of me blabbering about stuff, I'll let you, my readers, do the blabbering. I'm presenting you with three case scenarios. All you have to do is post a comment on how you would react on these case scenarios. Feel free to explain or elaborate. There are no right or wrong answers of course, so feel free to think and experiment..

Case Scenario 1

You're walking down an alley one morning. It's so early that no one's even walking with you. It's cold and a bit foggy, but you somehow catch a glimpse of a big black thing sitting on the sidewalk.

You come closer and you realize that it's actually a small black bag. Feeling curious, you picked it up and after a closer examination, you decided that it's safe to open the thing. Inside the bag are ten rings of cash, each (to your estimate), is worth around a hundred thousand pesos.

You notice a small note that says "It's for you." Puzzled, you try and look for any name or any other indirect-object on the note. Nothing. Of course, being logical and a little more knowledgeable in grammar that others, you quickly thought that "Hey, you can refer to anyone--even a monkey." But there's no one else in the alley. So you examine the bag. Still, no identification whatsoever. It's almost six o'clock and you're pretty sure that you emptied your stored-value MRT card last night. It's now or never. What would you do?

Case Scenario 2

Your bestfriend fancies someone both of you know. Wait, fancy is the wrong word--your bestfriend is madly in-love with someone you both know. Unknown to him or to anybody else, you also fancy that person. Of course, you never plan of telling your friend, since he doesn't really need to know. And besides, you just fancy the person right?

One Saturday morning, while eating breakfast at a small cafe in Tomas Morato, the person you and your bestfriend likes passes by. You notice him, you call him out and he waves at you, giving you a smile that you swear just melted the foam atop your hot cappuccino. You invited him for some breakfast and he agreed to sit with you for a while. He ordered some Cafe Americano (ooh, so strong and manly) and the small talk started.

Of course, being such a good friend, you decided to build-up your bestfriend and you started talking about how cool, great and uber-fascinating your bestfriend is. You both laugh and exchange great stories. He remarks, "Your bestfriend is really interesting.." and you mentally do your victory dance. Your bestfriend will finally get the man he wants.

At around 8, he excused himself and waved you goodbye--he was off to this charity event to teach some poor kids to read and write. You gave him a nice wave (just so he'd remember all your great remarks about your bestfriend) and he takes off. He's gone, and you start finishing off the cold coffee you ordered. You realize that if it wasn't for your bestfriend, you'd be with that guy to that charity event. But oh well, friendship can sometimes be a bummer...

As you were standing up, you notice a small tissue with something written on it. You dismiss it as some doddle the guy just dropped but then you realize that it's a note, written in his beautiful handwriting: "You're bestfriend is interesting, but I like you more. Go out with me." Your jaws just dropped. What would you do?

Case Scenario 3

You had this highly-publicized scuffle with someone from work. You don't know how it really started, but it seems that you have become quite unpopular with his peers (who form a larger group than yours).

A few days before your Christmas party, you were tasked to prepare the food for the party--which unfortunately meant you coming earlier than usual to your office and sharing the kitchen with the other person tasked with the food preparation: your arch-nemesis.

On that morning, you woke-up, feeling a little gloomy. You got dressed and went to the office. You saw your archnemesis already there, preparing his famous carbonara (so last year). You set-up your workcamp a few meters from him, on the table closer to the sink and started working on your new sushi recipe.

While you were deboning the fish you were to serve (in perfect Martha Stewart hand movements), your idiot archnemesis suddenly tries to hold the hot steaming pasta bowl with his bare hands, causing his ugly fingers to swell-up and burn. As the smell of burning flesh slowly rises around the room, your archnemesis quickly tries to run towards the sink, stepping on the small chamois you dropped--causing him to slip. He bumps to you hard, hitting you on the knees and sends the small (yet deadly) fillet knife you were holding straight into the air.

Almost like a prayer answered by God with choirs of angels, the knife lands directly on your co-worker's nape and severs his spinal cord. Shaken and disoriented, you stand up and see your archnemesis on the floor, now but a mere vegetable. You approach him and examine the knife sticking out of his nape. You look up and see five of his friends at the door, holding plastic bags filled with ingredients your archnemesis asked them to bring and looking at you nastily.

Shit. What would you do?

You Are the Music in Me

2007-09-20T02:30:00.000+08:00

One of my favorite songs from High School Musical 2.. Hey! Don't snap.. It's really catchy.. ^_^

Na na na na
Na na na na yeah
You are the music in me

You know the words "Once Upon A Time"
Make you listen? There's a reason.

When you dream there's a chance you'll find
A little laughter or a happy ever after

Your harmony to the melody
It's echoing inside my head

A single voice
Above the noise

And like a common thread
Hmm, you're pulling me

When I hear my favorite song
I know that we belong
Oh, you are the music in me

Yeah it's living in all of us
And it's brought us here because
Because you are the music in me

Na na na na
Na na na na na
Yeah yeah yeah
You are the music in me

It's like I knew you before we met
Can't explain it
There's no name for it

I've sang you words I never said
And it was easy
Because you see the real me
As I am
You understand
And that's more than I've ever known

To hear your voice
Above the noise

And know I'm not alone
Oh you're singing to me

When I hear my favorite song
I know that we belong
You are the music in me

It's living in all of us
And it's brought us here because
You are the music in me

Together we're gonna sing
We got the power to sing what we feel
Connected and real

Can't keep it all inside

Na na na na
Na na na na na
Yeah yeah yeah
You are the music in me

Na na na na
Na na na na na
Na na na na
You are the music in me

When I hear my favorite song
I know that we belong
You are the music in me

Yeah it's living in all of us
It's brought us here because
You are the music in me

Na na na na
Na na na na
Na na na na
You are the music in me

The World is Better with Free Stuff (Part 1)

2007-09-13T04:42:00.000+08:00

As I posted before, this blog is gonna get a new theme soon. But before releasing the new Electric Itlog edition, I would just like post something for everyone.

A Little Dash of Introduction..

As you know, I'm a Web Applications Developer (Designer + Programmer), so I spend all day in front of my computer. Through the years of using Rebornskee (el nombre de mi computador), I have installed and used many software products. Some of them were for business reasons, some for work and others for plain fun.

Of course, most software come with price tags. For those of us who buy authentic software (for legal reasons), we could spend thousands of pesos for a license or two--which makes buying really good and legal software is a real pain in the wallet. So for most people, piracy is the way to go. Need Photoshop for your laptop? Here's one for a hundred pesos. Need the entire Adobe CS3? Make that two hundred pesos (or perhaps 250 for a DVD). Oh, you have a Mac? No problem--iLife 2007 for 300 bucks..

But of course, piracy comes with its hidden cost. Aside from the fact that it's illegal, some keygens and cracks contain hidden viruses, trojans and other nasties that will effectively render you computer into an electricity consuming piece of crap.

So what's the solution? Well, unknown to many computer users, there are thousands of free software scattered all over the internet. For a few years now, the Open Source community has been spurting out all kinds of free and legal software that you can use, without paying a single centavo. Go to their website, download the software, install and bang! Free software baby!

For almost every commercial software, there is a free, open-source alternative. So instead of shelling out thousands of pesos on commercial software (or worst, buying illegal pirated copies), try out these free alternatives instead.

Enough Babble! Where's the Free Stuff?

Okay, so I'll stop talking now and present you my list of recommended free software. I categorized them according to use and I included links on where you can download them.

Disclaimer: I guarantee that I personally tried and tested all software here, and I am happy with using all of them. What I don't guarantee is that they'll be as you expected, or that they'll be suitable for your needs. Everyone's unique of course! Also, I am not part of any of these software companies, and I was not paid to do this; I just love this software, and I'm giving them back the publicity they deserve.

Surf's Up Dude!: Mozilla Firefox and Thunderbird.
Platforms: Windows, Linux, Mac
These two are the grand-daddies of all free software. Firefox is a web browser, while Thunderbird is an email client.

Mozilla Firefox

I stopped using Internet Explorer for almost a year now, and I use Firefox instead. If you're as tech-savvy as I am, you'd probably know that Firefox is a better browser than IE. First, it renders web pages as they should really look like. Secondly, it has tons of great features (tab browser, security features, live bookmarks, etc.). Plus, it's much less prone to viruses, unlike IE which can easily be targetted by bad software through its ActiveX controls. Plus, it really looks better. And if there's something you want in your browser (like the ability to create pictures from webpages or save entire websites), Firefox has hundreds of extensions that you can install (also freely) to improve web browsing.

Mozilla Thunderbird

Thunderbird is the Email Client and brother of Firefox. Like Firefox, it has a nice clean look. It also supports RSS feeds and News feeds, has built-in security features and has hundreds of extensions for those who want a little more.

You can download both Firefox and Thunderbird at the Mozilla Site.

Computer Rubber: Comodo Antivirus, Firewall Pro and BoClean.
Platforms: Windows
Everyone knows that a good computer is a safe computer. But unless you rarely open computer files or don't have an internet connection, your computer will always be bombared by viruses and spyware--unless of course you're running a Mac.

So for those of us who use PCs, I recommend using a good and free antivirus, firewall and anti-spyware: Comodo Antivirus, Comodo Firewall Pro and Comodo BoClean.

I guess there's no need for me to explain about an antivirus program. It suffices to say that Comodo Antivirus is a great, free antivirus program. It's not a secret that I don't use commercial antivirus programs like Norton or McAffee. Why? Because they both suck bigtime. For some time now, both of these antivirus software (as well as a handful other commercial software) have began to lose their customer base because of the amount of harddisk space they use and the fact that they miss several high-risk viruses. Comodo Antivirus is free and it performs well. And that's that.

The Comodo Firewall Pro is a free and effective firewall program. A firewall is a special software (or hardware) that keeps your computer safe while you're connected to the net by ensuring that no program can connect to the net--unless you trust it. It keeps hackers and intruder at bay, blocking them from accessing your files and your system. While Windows XP includes a firewall program, it's not as sophisticated as Comodo's.

BoClean on the other hand, is an anti-spyware application. Spyware are nasty little software programs that record your actions while using your computer. Some spyware are key-loggers that record everything you type--including your passwords, personal information and other sensitive data. Others record your movements through the net (Beware porn viewers!). BoClean makes sure that your computer stays spyware free by removing known spyware programs and blocking other applications that install them.

You can download the Antivirus, Firewall and Anti-Spyware programs at the Comodo Free Products page.

Ei, Work?: OpenOffice.org Suite
Platforms: Windows, Linux, Mac
Microsoft Office is great, but it's not free. This is where OpenOffice.org comes into play. It's a MSOffice alternative that provides the same features at a better pricetag (which is free).

OpenOffice features a full office suite: Writer for wordprocessing, Impress for presentations and Calc for spreadsheets. It also features Math for creating equations, Draw for creating nifty graphics and Base for your databases.

OpenOffice.org Writer

The programs have a very similar interface with the MSOffice programs, making them easier for your use. Plus, they support open standars (which is the future of your documents) and they are very easy to install.

You can get them through the OpenOffice.org Website.

Sweeter Jams: musikCube
Platforms: Windows
While I'm writing this post, I'm listening to my Paboritos playlist. Nope, not on Windows MediaPlayer (I trashed that a few weeks ago!) but on musikCube, a free and open source music player.

musikCube

Like Windows MP, musikCube supports the usual MP3s that we all love. But aside from that, you can install other extensions that will make it play other audio formats, like ogg, wav, wma and even aac files (yup, iTunes and iPod music files!). It can rip directly from your cds and it has a very nice and minimal user interface.

There are other great features too, like being able to connect to a FreeDB server to retrieve music information. When I needed to rip my Kami nAPO Muna cd, I just clicked on the Lookup CD Info button and wallah! My mp3s got tagged with the correct artist, title, album info and other information. Even Spongecola had a listing.

Also, aside from your Music Library, there's also a Collected Library, where new music files will appear, in case you don't want them to be in your Library immediately. Makes it easier to preview downloaded files without them being added immediately to your music library--one of my pet peeves with Windows MP.

There's a lot more cool features and a dozen cool plugins to extend musikCube (like a nifty plugin that will automatically update your YM status message with the title of the track you're currently listening to.). You can find out more about musikCube and download the program from the musikCube Website.

I'm Sooo Artistic: The GIMP, Scribus and Inkscape
Platforms: Windows, Linux and Mac
For those of us who are more in touch with the left sides of our brains, there's the GIMP (Photoshop alternative), Scribus (InDesign/Publisher/Pagemaker alternative) and Inkscape (Illustrator alternative).

The GIMP

The GIMP (which stands for GNU Image Manipulation Program) is a program for digital image editing. Like Photoshop, it supports layers, custom shapes, brushes and a host of other image editing tools. Although it's not as robust as Ps, it is certainly a good program that almost anyone can use. If you want something free to edit those new pictures you took of you and your new (again?) hubby, the GIMP is certainly a good choice. You can download the GIMP at the GIMP.org website.

Scribus

Scribus is a desktop publishing software, for those who want to create newsletters, magazines, posters and other nifty printed materials. I've personally used Scribus for two of my client's projects, and I'm very happy with it. Again, not as robust as InDesign, but is certainly better than using Pagemaker or Publisher--or worst, Microsoft Powerpoint or Word--for creating your printed stuff. You can download it at the official Scribus website.

Inkscape

And finally, there's Inkscape, a vector illustration software. If you're into drawing and nice vector illustration, then you'll certainly going to fall in love with Inkscape. And unlike the GIMP and Scribus, Inkscape is just as robust as Illustrator. It's great for illustration work, and is certainly one of those free apps that should be on every creative person's computer. You can grab your free copy at the Inkscape Website.

More, More, More!

Well that wraps it up--the first page of course! If you're a bit "bitin" with the list, then grab my feed and check out Part Two in a few days. I guarantee that the second part would be tastier.. ^_^

Okay, start those installers! Try out these apps and see for yourself how good it feels to get things free. Don't forget to post your comments!

Blind Items? Nope, Blind Messages..

2007-09-03T04:03:00.000+08:00

Are you in for a game of Blind Items?.. Twenty things about twenty people. Think you're included in the list?.. Hahaha, don't be so sure.. ^_^

Okay, so I got this thing for Nikki and I loved the concept. Basically, it's a Blind Item "game".. Here are the rules:

Write something about 20 different people.
You cannot say who they are.
If someone asks which one is about them, don't tell.

Simple enough right?..

Unfortunately, I didn't want it just like that. So I modified the idea. Instead of writing about people, I'm writing to people. Get it? Each item is a message I so badly want to tell the person, I just don't have the guts to tell it directly, so let's just put it inside a "blind message"..

The "names" are not the real names. They're clues actually (tip: use your handy japanese dictionary ^_^). Anyway, here it goes:

Kikai. Well, I've known you for quite sometime now, and to tell you the truth, I don't know how we met. Haha, yeah, it's funny I know.. Well, I think you're gay, and I have valid reasons to prove that. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. You're not, ei? Yeah, that's a good argument, but not everyone could believe that.. But I still believe that you're gay.. you should be.. Because I'm really digging you.. Let's date..
Fukuro. You know what, I really think you're improving. Before I thought, "What the hell?", but now, looking at all the things you've done, I'm surprised at how you improved with your work. Although at times I snicker at your projects, it's just my way of showing you that I think you can do so much better. And oh, I'm sorry about that thingy.. Didn't know it won't work fine. Anyway, I look forward to working with you in the future.
Genmai. Yeah, I really treat you like shit sometime right? I'm so sorry. I'm too bossy, I know. But know that I consider you a very close friend. No, not a bestfriend (that's over the top). A very close friend. Let's just let the good times roll and don't hold back if you think I'm becoming a Man-Bitch. Slap me in the face! Shout at me! At least you'll feel much better.
Kyuukon. You son of a bitch! Don't think that I've forgotten everything! I really don't know what happened!! It's as if you suddenly turned your back on me. Yes, I know we didn't make a pact! But still, you should have given me the chance to do what I've always wanted to do. How many words does it have to take for you to know that everyone is secretly loathing you? It's not because you're a total dipstick.. No, I know you're better than that.. But please, don't be like that. You're just bringing everyone loads of nega-vibes! P.S: I still consider you as my friend.. Hahaha
Kissaten. Ooh, I'm so glad we sorted it all out. I thought it would end then and there. Anyway, I'm happy that we're back. And just lean on me if you want too.. Okay, not too close.. Yeah that's fine.
Takai. I must admit, sometimes you go all crazy.. I don't like that.. No one likes that.. And why are you being self-centered sometimes? That's not good.. Okay, there you go again, turning the whole conversation about you.. Stop it! Please! You need to be more open if you want to get what you want.
Hikui. Okay, so I loathed you back then.. Why? Cause you're crazy, moody and weird. But now, I kinda like you. I kinda think you're cool. Yeah, try to keep it up, okay? Don't worry, I'll defend you.
Onna. I have loved you since the day I knew you. I have longed for you since the day I talked to you. Yes, I know it all started with a joke, but looking back, now I know that you are the one person that could really fill me. I'm sad because we will never have the chance to be together. No, I won't. No, you should. What? Yeah, I guess so. But it's better this way. I won't let you wait. We just can't change. Sorry... You'll be happier, trust me.
Fushubi.Oh dude! I'm so happy for you. Have I told you that I had a huge crush on you before? You're the only reason I log on to a computer. Anyway, good luck with everything. Just ping me, I'll answer. Be safe okay?.. And oh, let me have a go on him once.. Hahaha
Ixero-Yakke. I really, really, really wish that someday, somehow, I would find another person just like you who will love me as much as I loved you. Yeah, I know that. No, I won't try at all and I'm not expecting. But let's stay good friends, okay?.. And just in case you want to explore the other side of the coin, you know my number.. I'm free on Saturday nights.
Tatsutahime. I respect you so much. I owe you so much. I miss you so much.
Kosshi. Don't let them get to you. Trust me, you're way better than they are. Hope to spend more time with you in the future.
~~Kun. Why? Am I ugly? Am I fat? (Hell no!) Am I too short? Why? Why can't you just try and look behind you? I just thought that this was really it...~~
Kiguoshougou. You're so cool! I'm so happy that I've stumbled upon that website. Yeah, you're funny too. I like emo boys.. Hahaha.. We're miles apart, but I'm beginning to fancy you. Ooops! Sorry.. I kinda think you're not straight.. Hahaha.. Let's meet when I go there.. and I do hope that's soon. And oh, thanks for that.
Aisoku. Ugh! I so hate you right now! Why? Because you said that you would do everything! Okay, I know, I know. But still!.. Hmm.. Now I hate you even more.. Stop smiling! I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist it when you smile. Yeah, I know--you told me a million times. But is there any hope? Well, I though so too. I really like you, that's why I did what I had to do. And OMG! I'm not your free pass. I think you're cute, but you won't get away with that so easily.
~~Kyoku. Sometimes, I just wished that I had feelings for you, so you didn't have to go away. Huh? Oh yeah, I ate already. Pardon? What am I wearing?!~~
~~Byoukin. If you could love me for what I am, I'd download you to my heart right away--no virus check, no firewall.. I'm sure you're clean of spyware.~~
Sensei. I so wish you and your hubby will breakup. Because if you do split up, I guess I'll be more than willing to go out with you. Oh really? Okay then, let's stay friends.. PS: Stop texting her.. I feel so jealous.. Hahaha..
Kyuu-douyou. Yeah, we can add the nipples.. Please free up your schedule. I so badly need to screw you.
Dono. You're my inspiration. Believe it or not, it's your blog that I visit every time I surf. You're on my RSS reader, you're on my bookmarks. It seems that I can't stop reading your blog. There's this one post that makes me all tingly.. ~~Yeah, I'm not on your Blogroll~~.. Damn it.. How many comments should I post?.. What? Okay then, I'll start thinking of funny and crazy comments.. And now, about that link..

That's it folks! So, do you know which one is about you? Clueless ei? This will make it easier:

Three of them are girls, seventeen are guys.
Eight are straight, ten are gay and I suspect two of them to be gay..
Fourteen are people who I always bump into (from AA and from other communities) and six of them are purely online contacts..

Haha, so it is clearer?.. If you think it's you up there in the list, post a comment or ring me up.. Who knows, I might just tell.. or maybe not.. ^_^

SIFWS: The Perfect Cigs

2007-08-30T14:06:00.000+08:00

Stuff I Found While Surfing

God I wanna smoke these..

Why Don't You Try and Look Behind?

2007-08-22T04:39:00.000+08:00

Before anything else, two excerpts:

August 15, 2007:
Me: kasi I feel so weirded out by guys like him..
GD: why?
Me: pag sobrang gwapo kasi ng guys, I think of them as existing in a whole other planet..
Me: :D
GD: ayaw mo ba sa gluthatione boys? heheheh
Me: ewan..
Me: siguro they're just too way outta my league, I dismiss them as mythical assholes..
GD: ano kb..
GD: isa sila sa mga prospect ko in life.
Me: hahaha..
Me: well, they don't exist in mine.. :D

August 17, 2007:
Me: I used to like japanese guys..
Me: :P
GD: dahil?
GD: and now?
Me: hindi na rin sila nag-eexist..
Me: :))
GD: kawawa naman ang mundo m..
GD: lonely.

Yup, my world is lonely. In my world, two things don't exists: cute japanese boys and hot guys. Weird hu? Why? Because I just figured out that I'd be much happier excluding them from my world.

I'd had it with crushes and flirting. It seems that everything has changed around me. When I go out with my highschool friends, all I hear are great stories on how they hooked-up with hot guys, cute boys and the works behind the hot nights and cool dates. It seems that everyone has escaped the cruelty of studying in an all-boys school where you can have crushes all day long but receive nothing because the boys you fancy are straight.. Everyone, except for me.

It's weird, since I have surpassed the level of fancying straight boys who I know won't give the slightest damn about me. For a few years now I've set my eyes on the real prize: gay (or bisexual) guys who are ready for real relationships and homosexual explorations. But I'm still amazed of how futile my attempts have been.

It seems that everyone is way beyond my league. Every person I try to go out with, every guy I try to get to know--it's like I don't deserve them at all. No, I won't go down and break my self-esteem by saying things like "maybe I'm not good-looking enough," or "maybe I'm just too short". I'm done with that shit.

For me, it's just better that these guys, who make me feel so underrated, to not exist in my world. They're a problem I don't want to have. And just for a little philosophy, I'd like to propose an explanation on why this thing keeps on happening (which I'm sure applies to many people and not just me.)

It's because everyone tries to look up, beyond, forward. They don't care to look behind. Want an example? The average guys try to hook up with cute guys. The cute guys look for hot guys. The hot guys try and go out with hotter guys. The hotter guys try to have it with "gods". And of course, the gods--who think they're better than everyone else because they were gifted with good physique, olympic looks and non-dying sex appeal--ignore the hotter guys, who ignore the hot guys, who ignore the cute guys, who ignore the average guys. And what happens in the end is certain: no one gets anything, everyone becomes lonely.

I'm not generalizing, but I assume that many people will agree with my theory. Of course there are some exceptions to this, and those are the lucky ones. But try and go to a hotspot and observe the guys lurking around and you'll see what I mean: you won't see an average guy with a hot guy or a cute guy with a god. It's like we have a gay/bisexual caste system based on our looks, our body and our fashion sense. It's a friggin shit that we can't display our wits, our intellect and our character publicly.

I could go all day with this, but I won't. I stated my case long enough. And I don't expect things to change in the future, I guess we're all trapped in a society where our happiness depends on our profile pictures and our physique. And it's really fucking shity.

So please, do all of us a favor.. Try to look behind you.

Avanza Paranoia

2007-08-04T03:24:00.000+08:00

Lately, napansin ko na parang sinusundan ako ng mga electric-royal-blue na Toyota Avanza. Yup, I know it's weird (even paranoid), pero I have a weird feeling talaga.

Nagsimula ang lahat last monday, when I went to my client to present my studies. Nung nasa expressway na ako, nakakita ako ng isang avanza, similar to this picture:

Well, I said to myself, "Shit, what an ugly car!" Kasi totoo naman, it really doesn't look good and the color sucks bigtime. Yeah, I confess na gusto ko dati yung color na ito in car I buy a car.. pero after seeing that avanza talaga, I swore I could have cursed cars for good.

So ayun nga. Later, paglabas ko ng office ng client ko sa Kalayaan Ave., biglang may humarurot na isa namang Avanza: same color, same design, same build, pero not the same car.. Hmm, I thought.. Siguro coincidence..

Pero naloka talaga ako, kasi when I rode a taxi to UST, nakakita na naman ako ng same avanza sa Q.Ave. Nako, akala ko nga eh same car from Kalayaan, pero turns out, iba pala kasi may sticker siya ng DLSU sa likod.. Pero hindi pa dyan nagtatapos ang lahat..

Up to yesterday, palagi akong nakakakita ng ganong klaseng Avanza. As in everyday talaga! Pati nga mga members ng Tuesday Group alam yung tungkol dun eh..

So what's up ba with those blue Avanzas? Nagsale ba ang Toyota ng ganong color? Or maybe, namimigay ang Pepsi nang ganong mga model... Hmm, pwede.. Pepsi-colored naman kasi sila..

Actually, I know for a fact na yung kulay na iyon ay hindi mass-marketed.. My tito works for Toyota kasi and he tells me that that color is, in fact, custom-mixed--meaning you have to ask for your car to be painted in that color.

Weird.. Feeling ko tuloy eh I'm being followed by a fleet of Avanza-driving guys.. Hahaha.. Sana nga.. Malay natin, baka isa pala sa mga Avanzang iyon ay naglalaman ng Vollkommensch na matagal ko nang hinahanap.. Hehehe..

die Vollkommensch

2007-07-29T21:26:00.001+08:00

Computer Programmer, Web Designer, Graphic Designer or knows these stuff.
Walks fast.
Good speaker but knows when to listen.
Knows how to make good coffee.
Knows how to cook good food or knows how to eat good food.
Good singer or great dancer.
Speaks with the eyes.
Speaks more than three languages.
Replies as soon as possible.
Calls just so I don't worry.
Asks about my day.
Can speak about his own day.
Doesn't mind me rummaging through stuff.
Doesn't mind me going alone.
Knows the basic bed-stuff.
Wouldn't mind changing positions.
Doesn't open his eyes when we kiss.
Keeps me involved.
Gets along with my friends.
Helps me get along with his friends.
Wouldn't leave me for a video game.
Wants to be my best friend.
First to offer me a hanky.
Knows his goals.
Plans well, but knows when to break plans.
Spontaneous.
Keeps me surprised.
Has me on Number 2 speed dial.
Can spell my last name the first time he tries.
Owns a pair of comfortable walking shoes.
Doesn't mind me doing things alone.
Doesn't mind doing things alone.
Knows how to argue well.
Tilts my head on his shoulder on long trips.
Can blabber about current topics.
Philosophically inclined.
Puts family first.
Knows his way.
Can style my hair.
Isn't afraid to try new stuff.
Can teach me new stuff.
Can bear AMs.
Great to wake-up with in the morning.
Can dance in the rain.
Writes my name on the emergency list.
Swims.
Has a fireman tendency.
Doesn't need reminding.
Doesn't hold back.
Can push me.
Can lift me.
Can carry me.
Can tell me to work my ass!
Celebrates the small stuff.
Secretly reads my blog.
Helps me improve.
Wants me to help him improve.
Knows the time.
Killer smile.
Knows what I like.
Lets me know what he likes.
Wouldn't want a Mit einer Bettgeschichte.
Giggles when he hears "Ich bin verrückt nach Dir" and returns the compliment.
Can say "Mahal Kita" instead of "I Love You."

Ai! Ich drücke die Vollkommensch dieDaumen.

Eulogia Para Sa Isang Kaibigan

2007-07-26T21:21:00.000+08:00

Matagal na panahon narin simula nung tayo'y unang nagkita. Masaya ako noon at kagagaling lamang sa isang paglalakbay. Nasa isang sulok ka naman ng Asturias, naghihintay ng pupulot sayo mula sa duming iyong kinaluluklukan.

Hindi ko mapaliwanag kung paano kita natagpuan. Siguro, langit narin ang nagtakda nang ating pagkikita. Naroon ako nung mga oras na kailangan mo nang tutugon sa iyo, at hanggang ngayon, nagpapasalamat ako na ako ang taong pinili mo.

Wala akong alam sa pinanggalingan mo, o sa mga bagay-bagay na nagtulak sa iyo para layuan siya. Alam kong minahal mo siya, at nakaukit iyon sa iyong kalooban. Nakita ko ang mga larawang iyong itinago, kasama narin ang mga sulat at mga pahayag. Ngunit hindi mo ako hinayaang makilala siya o malaman ang kanyang pangalan. Hindi mo rin ako binigyan ng pagkakataong makilala ka ng lubusan. Siguro, iyon talaga ang iyong nais. Kung ikaw man ang iniwan o kung ikaw ang nang-iwan, hindi ko na iyon malalaman..

Sa loob ng mahigit isang taon nating pagsasama, marami narin ang nangyari. Marami ang mga tulad mo na dumaan sa aking buhay. Ngunit lahat sila ay bigla nalang nawala, umalis o di kaya'y sapilitang kinuha mula sa aking piling. Ngunit naging matatag tayong dalawa. Ikaw ang palaging tumutugon sa aking pangangailangan, ang palaging tumutulong sa aking paghihirap.

Marami tayong tinago mula sa mundo. Marami tayong mga nilipat mula sa iba't-ibang lugar. Nakarating na tayo sa maraming mga siyudad, bayan at lipunan.

Ngayong lumisan ka na nang tuluyan mula sa aking piling, isang butas ang iniwan mo sa aking puso. Ang dating kaibigang palagi kong kasama at katuwang, ngayo'y wala na. Ako'y nagluluksa at nagdadalamhati sa iyong pag-alis sa mundong ibabaw. Ayong lumuluha sa iyong pagkawala.

Wala na ang tingkad mo sa aking mga mata. Wala na ang iyong mga tinagong mga alaala.

Alam ko na hindi dito natatapos ang lahat. Alam kong kailangang kong patuloy na gumalaw. Masakit sa akin ang pangyayaring ito, ngunit alam kong masaya ka na sa iyong pagpapahinga. Wag kang mag-alala, malalagpasan ko rin ito. Sana'y makahanap rin ako ng papalit sa iyo sa aking puso.

Iisa lang ang tunay kong hinagpis: sana ay nalaman ko nang mas maaga na mawawala ka. Sana ay mas inalagaan kitang mabuti. Sana ay nailipat ko ang mga alaalang iyong dala.

Nawa'y mahimlay ka nang mapayapa.

Hindi kita kakalimutan.

Para kay Asturksy (2006-2007), ang mahal kong Flash Drive.

Balitaktak Mo, O Balitaktakbo?

2007-07-24T21:24:00.000+08:00

A Balita-Roundup of the Latest Happenings in My World..

Syempre, medyo matagal narin since I told everyone my stories. I'm lucky kasi may mga tao akong palaging kasama, so alam nila mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. Pero there are a lot of you na hindi ko na masyadong nakwekwentuhan, so here's a balita roundup.

The Workaholic Syndrome

For the first time in my life, I have become a little workaholic. Yup, madami talaga akong trabaho ngaun, and I'm loving it. I'm doing what I love the most and I'm getting paid for it, which makes it the best job!

Syempre, I miss school life, I can't deny that. I miss the AB Uniform, I miss the lectures and the assignments. Pero before you actually think na I'm regretting my decission to skip this sem, let me clear it out again: I love what I'm doing right now and I don't regret my choice. Yeah, I miss school things, pero my job keeps me happy naman eh.

At oo nga pala, I kinda decided na rin to give up the whole "graphic and web designer" thing and focus solely on being an web application developer. Nakita ko kasi from the trends from my past projects na halos wala akong nakukuhang solid graphic design jobs and puro web applications talaga. And I can say naman that web applications are really my strength. So giveup na muna ako sa print design jobs.

As for financial, no worries pa naman at the moment. Hindi na ako masyadong namumulubi, and I have savings na rin naman. So all's well sa career ko.. :)

New Phone

After almost six years, nagpalit na ako ng phone. Nothing fancy, just a sleek Sony Ericsson Z530i. Maganda naman ang features and I love the cool black matte finish nung cover.

I bought it on July 7, 2007 (777, yeah, lucky phone.. hahaha) with the help of Marianne and Tekla. Wow, amazed pala ako sa bargaining skills nitong si Tek.. Babaeng baratillo pala ito.

You'll find the basic features naman: media player, java, sms and mms, email, wap, etc. May camera din sya, na akala ko e pangit ang pictures, pero maganda naman pala. Maliit lang yung LCD kaya hindi mo makikita yung real quality. Pero once transferred sa PC, it looks good naman.

The thing I like most about this phone is the fact I can sync it with my PC. Since I'm always trying to schedule appointments with my clients, it's a good thing na syncronized ang phone at PC ko because I always work with both.

Pero I hate the fact that mahina yung message alert tone, kahit na super lakas na nung ringing volume. I did some research and found out na sakit pala talaga yun ng mga Sony Ericsson phones. Anyway, I can live with that naman, since I put my phone in silent mode almost every time.

And for those who are wondering, I didn't change numbers. It's still 0916677****.

Lovelife.. Or Should I Say, Lovedeath?

When it comes to my lovelife, bano parin ako.. Hahaha, no change at all. Ayun, ganon parin: still single and quirky.

Let's have a quick rundown of my most recent love-related kyemes. For the sake of being polite, hindi ako maglalagay ng pangalan--code songs nalang. At hindi rin pala ako magsusulat about the more well-publicised ones.. Sorry, for close people only..

"How can something so wrong, feel so right all along? Catch me, I'm falling for you." Hahaha. Kilala nyo namang lahat ito eh. Well, I can safely say na tapos na ang sagang ito ng buhay ko. From Tinoco Park and the UST Grandstand, to Plaza Calderon at the Big Dome, nasubaybayan nyo ang kwento ko at ni Ascat. Fortunately, okay naman na ang lahat. Somehow, I learned my lesson: you can try and break a straight stick, but it will never really bend. Pero it's really all good. We're still friends and we bump into each other every once in a while. At naprove ko rin na mali pala ako; he still remembers my name.. Hahaha.. Pero yun, goodluck nalang sa mahabang list ng mga bilat na nagkukumahog magpost ng comments sa profile nya!
"And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful and it kills him inside." Nako, masyadong madugo ang isang ito. After the weird Ortigas incident, naging mas close kami ng taong ito: to the point na malapit nang maging kami. And although nakakatuwa naman siya, I really can't have a relationship sa menchung ito. Pano naman, hindi maalis sa isip ko na kung kaya nyang gawin iyong ginawa nya sa iba, how could it be any different with me, diba? So kahit na palagi niyang sinasabi na gusto talaga niya ako, at kahit pa muntik na akong mahulog sa mga kamay niya, no parin ang ending. Hindi ako mang-aagaw.. nangyari nalang bigla. Pero okay lang naman yung, I'll just groove to the Maroon 5 cd na gift niya sakin. Besides, very good friends pa naman kami ni Lo..
"Just turn around now, cause you're not welcomed any more!" Eto ang nakakatawa. I met this person na DL. Nagchat kami tapos binigay nya number nya. Tinext ko tapos hindi nagreply. I sent a message pero no avail parin. So I thought it was a lost cause. Pero nagulat nalang ako nang nagtext siya a few weeks later. Nung una sinabon ko, pero mabait naman pala. We still text, even if he's quite committed. Pero alam ko namang hindi ko siya talaga type: masyadong busy-busyhan.. So ayun, si Nuggets nalang siguro ang katapat niya..
"I thought you we're my fairy tale, a dream when I'm not sleeping." Well, this is the saddest talaga. Nameet ko rin siya sa DL. Tapos we hit perfectly nung una. Pareho kami ng interest, we make each other laugh at talagang nakakatuwa siya. Pero ewan, talagang hindi yata ako meant for UP people na mahilig maglaro ng Tekken. Siya yung kasama kong nanuod ng Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix sa Trinoma (sidenote: Trinoma sucks! Isang malaking MRT station!) at nakita pa nga namin ang isang AA Apprentice (si Tatay Keith). Well, akala ko may next day date pa sa UP, pero turns out wala na pala. Ewan ko talaga. I really thought I was right for the first time, hindi pala. Not when you see the words "I want us to be friends" flashing sa iyong YM screen. Hay.. I must admit na umiyak talaga ako ng todo. The truth is, masakit talaga para sakin kasi I was really, really expecting. It was so painful na wala na akong maramdaman. Sayang, yon lang naisip ko. Pero hindi pala ganon ang naramdaman niya. Siguro I really need to stop watching for signs: hindi lahat ng nakakatuwa, cuddly at touchy people ay may pinapahiwatig. Sometimes, it's just that plain. Anyway, okay naman na ngayon. Come to think of it, it's not really a loss. Mas masakit para sakin ang fact na hindi ako pwedeng kumain ng cheese flavoured popcorn sa sinehan. Nako, mabuti pa ay maghubad nalang tayong lahat at sumayaw ng Happy Happy Joy Joy..

As you can see, bigo parin talaga ako sa pag-ibig. Pero hindi naman ako totally sad. Masaya parin naman kahit walang jowa or walang kasama. Ilang taon narin naman akong single (pero hindi tigang.. :D) and I don't think there's any rush.

And by the way, thank you nga pala kay Jmaricon para sa kanyang inspiring words the night before I went out with number 4.

May Buddy Ako!

Sa AA naman (which stands for Artistang Artlets), masaya rin naman ako this year. Masayang-masaya dahil may buddy ako! Yehey!

Halos four years narin ako sa AA at medyo reluctant din ako sa buddies this year. Nung first year ko kasi, may buddy ako, si Kuya Gean del Mundo. Pero hindi kami masyadong naging close, kasi girls daw palagi buddies nya. Anyway, napasa niya yata sakin yung curse nya kasi hindi na ako nagkaroon ng buddy after niya. Nung second year, ang buddy ko ay si Nina, na nagquit from AA at ngayon ay Artistic Director na ng Teatro Tomasino. Last year naman, ang buddy ko ay si Lizelle, na nagquit din at hindi ko na nakita ever since.

Kaya this year, reluctant talaga ako sa mga buddy-buddy. Feeling ko kasi eh baka madisappoint lang uli ako. Pero dahil Senior ako, pwede na akong pumuli ng buddy. Kaya I took the chance nalang...

Dalawa yung buddies ko. Yung una, si Ysabel, ay under sa aspect ko: techical directing. Well, at first na natuwa naman ako sa kanya, kasi bibo siya nung auditions. Unfortunately, nag-quit ang lulu. Well, sorry nalang sa kanya.

My second buddy is Nikko, who is also from (surprise!) TD. Nako, mahal ko talaga itong buddy kong ito. He's funny at gigglish, kaya natutuwa ako sa kanya. Sana eh magstay siya at maging maayos ang acads nya. Panawagan pala sa parents ng buddy ko: Ah, mam, sir, sana po eh maintindihan niyo naman si Nikko. Magaling naman yang batang iyan eh.. and he promised to do good with his studies. Sana po eh payagan niyo siyang magcontinue sa AA.. :)

(Sidenote: TD stands for Technical Direction, not Technical Design. You can design lighting schemes, you can design musical scores, you can design sets and other PD things. But you can never design technicals. You direct technicals. Wag sana po tayong maconfuse.)

Oo nga pala, umamin ako agad sa buddy ko. Yeah, I know, loser move. Pero I had to kasi; sabi kasi niya magquiquit na raw siya and I don't want to lose another buddy na hindi niya ako kilala. Gusto ko pa sanang maging anonymous for another month or so, pero okay na rin..

And another thing: Buddy, mag-globe ka na ha?.. Hehehe

Outta Time!

Well, yan lang naman ang recent happenings ngayon. I'll keep everyone posted kung may mga bagong balita. Toodles!

Coffee Breakups

2007-07-22T21:23:00.000+08:00

- Oh, share na tayo sa kape ha!
- Fhadz, nasabi ko nabang magkape ka?
- Pahiram ng shorts
- Wait, nasabi ko nabang hihiram ako ng short?
- Fhadz, magkape ka na.
- Changed, awaken.
- Nasabi ko nabang magkape ka Fhadz?
- Hihiram ka ba ng shorts?
- Fhadz, magkape ka na raw.
- Changed, awaken.
- Hihiram ka ba ng shorts?

- Fhadz, nabasa mo ba yung kanina?
- Alin?
- Sabi ko gusto ko ng closure. Ang weird..
- Bakit?
- Wala, nakuha ko kasi yung closure na gusto ko.
- Kailan.
- Kanina.
- Mark, uhm..
- I want us to be friends.
- :D
- Nasabi ko na bang magkape ka?

- Oy! Babasa mo na?
- Ang alin?
- Yung post sa blog ko.
- Tungkol sa?
- Nasabi ko nabang sa blog ko?
- Pahiram ng shorts
- Changed, awaken.

- Sabi ko na nga ba.
- Thanks for a good laugh!
- Hindi naman ako picky sa friends.
- Si Mark ito.
- Nasabi mo na yon.
- Fhadz, magkape ka na.

- Wow, Jolly Hotdog!
- Powertop ka pala.
- Yup, pero I don't mind if you're not hung.
- =))
- Gusto kitang i-fist
- =))
- Changed, awaken.
- Pahiram ng shorts.

- In fairness, cute pala katabi ko.
- To be fair.. :)
- Sorry, to be fair pala.
- Ah, so power bottom pala ako.
- Lumiliit ba yung bun o lumalaki yung hotdog?
- Flaky na siya, unlike before.
- Changed, awaken.
- Stupid amputa!
- Stats mo?
- Tignan natin kung makaupo ka pa!

- Go Cajucom! Nakabandana pa!
- Six years na yan.
- Markee!..
- Four years na, move on!
- Pahiram ng shorts.
- Taga Manila Doctors kaba?
- *cartwheels*
- Changed, awaken.

- Ang Kheps na Halimaw.
- Hahaha! Etits na submissive!
- Jaymar, mag-cr ka na!
- Wag kayong magchant!
- Changed, awaken.

- Mark, four years, pero mahal ko pa xa.
- Fhadz, magkape ka na.

- Ulitin mo nga...

Korean Mush Fest

2007-07-20T19:07:00.000+08:00

I'll admit it. I love mushy movies (mushies). And that's why you'll be reading this post... Don't worry, I know you love them too.

It doesn't matter where the film comes from—if it's really mushy then you're sure that I'll watch it. I'll even cry and giggle at every mushy moment. Of course, you won't see me doing that; I need to be alone to fully appreciate a mushy film.

Since I'm really biased when it comes to mushiness, I only watch mushies from the US and Korea, and I believe that the best mushies come from the latter. And this is why I wrote this post, to give my Top 5 Korean Mushies.

The Criteria

So what is my criteria for a good mushie?..

Weird and unique storyline. Mushies should be very cliched—since they're about a very overrated subject (ehem, love.). Plus points if the story is so interesting, it can never happen in real life.
Great Script. It's the dialogue that really makes a mushie shine. Mushies should have very mushy dialogues, with lines that stick to your head and echo over and over again. Plus points for new takes on cliches.
Great Shots. Mushies should have great cinematography with special emphasis on uber-mushiness. Plus points for scenes with snow and rain.
A Predictable Twist. All mushies should have twists because that's what makes it more interesting, but these twists should be predictable enough. Plus points if you can predict the twist but still stay to watch the whole thing. That's a really good mushie. Also, plus points if someone dies.
Impact. Mushies should stay in your head for a very long time and should give you a chance to discuss it with other people who watched it themselves. Plus points if you'll be able to reminisce about the mushie and still giggle or cry.
Good Weepers. A weeper is a scene that is intended to make a mushie fan cry. Plus points if the weepers make even the eyes non-mushie fans water.

With that criteria, I present my Korean Mushies List.

Top 5: A Bungee Jump of Their Own

The Story: A guy falls in love with a girl. The girl dies and the guys finds her reincarnated. The Twist: The girl is reincarnated into a boy—who happens to be the guy's student. The Verdict: The story is really, really weird and I really like the fact that it's semigay in a way. Great shots and great dialogues. I also love the feeling of desperation for the lead male, which was really heavy in some parts. The final scene, with the bungee jump and the aerial shot is so romantic. And I must admit, I really love the train station scene. Plus Points: Final scene is literally to die for. Line to Remember: "Sorry, I think I came too late" "No, at least you came.

Top 4: Lure of the Wolf

The Story: Two rivals fighting for the love of a girl. The Twist: One of them is the girl's half brother... and he dies. The Verdict: This one had a great impact on me—I was really rooting for the brother and I really wanted the twist to be like a way for them both to be together.. which didn't happen. I also like the fact that the two leading men where strong figures and not the sissy types like in other Korean Mushies. The fight scenes where great and the cinematography is good. I really also liked it that there are actually two weepers: the flight scene and the death scene. All in all, this flick is a great introduction to Korean Mushies. Plus Points: Rain scenes all throughout—even in the fight scene, one lead dies, I cried twice. Line to Remember: "Nuna [Older Sister], in our next life, don't be my sister."

Top 3: Sad Movie

The Story: Four interwoven stories of different kinds of love. The Twist: One gets unrequited love, one ends up breaking with himself, one dies of cancer and one dies in a fire. The Verdict: I must admit that the first part of the movie wasn't in any way sad. In fact, it's a very comical movie. But as the movie progressed, the conflicts show up and the characters start to become more interesting. There is also that haunting sense of foreboding sadness throughout the whole film, which makes it very interesting. Cool use of a single song that is played all throughout the film. I love the scene where the guy ends up breaking with himself and the scene when the mother blew the whistle for the last time. The title of the movie isn't really misleading—it is really a sad movie. Plus Points: Several rain scenes, two people die, really haunting at some points, I cried twice. Line to Remember: There's no line to remember—for this movie, actions speak so louder.

Top 2: A Millionaire's First Love

The Story: A rich kid needs to move into the province and graduate before he can get his inheritance. He falls in love with a girl. The Twist: The girl is actually his childhood sweetheart, she has a heart condition wherein she'll die of too much love.. and she dies. The Verdict: I love it! I loved it so much that my eyes were so red after the movie. It's one of those movies wherein you'll really feel the sadness and where you'd really wish there was a happy ending. It's like, the quintessential uber mushy film. Plus points for the rain and snow scenes and the graduation scene still gives me shivers. Plus Points: Rain and Snow scenes (with the snow scene being an integral part of the story), uber mushy lines, the girl dies, I cried trice. Line to Remember: "Do you know why people close their eyes when they kiss?" "It's because they are both blinded by each other's brilliance." "In that moment that my eyes are closed, I'll miss you."

Top 1: The Classic

The Story: Too complex to tell. The Twist: Too many to list. The Verdict: A classic! It's one of those films that even non-mushies appreciate. The story is so complex and so twisted that you'll have a hard time remembering all the details, but the main points get stuck in your head like lettuce in your teeth. It is also unique in that it happens through a narative spanning two different time frames. The shots were really great and the music was so inspiring. The twists weren't that predictable which made it much more exciting. And most of all, its a flick that'll really make you wet.. your eyes that is.. Hahaha Plus Points: Great Rain scenes, several twists, I didn't cry—I wept so hard. Line to Remember: "I opened the window today. The romantic breeze signalled the coming of autumn. I'll put that in a letter and send it to you. "

Final Words

So there, that's my Top 5 list for the best Korean Mushies. If you're a bit weirded out as to why My Sassy Girl, Windstruck and Il Mare are left out, it's because they're too overrated and to tell you the truth, they didn't pass my criteria.. Hehe.. Post you comments now!

The Very Long Blog Post (with a very long title and hints of subtexts that are not really subtexts but truths that are veiled by a fear of reality)

2007-07-19T21:54:00.000+08:00

WARNING: This posts contains several passages from different murder and thriller stories in progress. They are included within the post as part of an experimental subtexted writing style. Stop reading if you're queasy.

Yes, I am very, very scared. Frightened to death of the things that come my way.

It was a sunny day in Alabang. Too sunny, Jean thought to himself. Too hot, I should guess, that Jean decided to shoot his daughter dead.

I guess you could say that the smoke has finally started to go down, and that my vision is slowly becoming clearer. The few months spent on trying to fix everything is finally taking their final bow, and the curtains are now being closed upon a dark chapter of my life. But instead of the light of the auditorium coming to rescue the audience and guiding them back towards the exit to face again the realities of this world, it seems to me that the booth has forgotten its work, and the people inside are left to wonder aimlessly in the dark, trying to find their way back towards the light--stumbling stupidly upon every block that sits on their path.

I have never been a person of emotions, and I am open to admit that I am not an expert on the subject. Yes, you can hear me babble on everything philosophical, technical and informational. But when I turn off the mind and listen to the heart, I only hear a string of static, blocking every insight that I want to find.

It wasn't too long before Alice found out that what Eric was hiding behind his back was a knife. And she became ever more sure as the cold blade started to rip appart the skin on her throat, spilling out thick red blood upon the white carpet she washed the morning before.

If I look back on the months that I have spent trying to regain my life, I guess I am left to wonder how I survived it all. The tears and troubles paid for my stupidity and my laziness are now but distant memories of a darker age. My dawn should be here by now, and I see the bright yellow rays from the distance. But why am I still in the dark?

Yes, I am happy--in a sense much like being fed after a months' worth of hunger. But I am not satisfied, nor am I really happy (in the sense I would like to believe).

I try to be philosophical when I define happiness: a temporary or extended state of emotion. Yet I try to find solace that happiness, contrary to what my mind tells me or my religion teaches, could not be temporary or extended. If bliss, as it says, is not found on this plane of existence, then I am proud to be a heretic.

No one was in the apartment that evening and it seemed as if everyone has decided to leave the boarding house for the weekend to celebrate the Holy Week. But little did Tricia know that she was about to see three of her roommates lying inside their room--with their heads severed and arms cut off.

I am happy as of the moment: I have a descent flow of income, I love my work, I have a loving family and a great set of friends, what more could I ask for?.. Well, there is a saying that when your career blooms, your love life fades. And this is exactly why I am still rotting.

It seems unfortunate that I am not able to do as I want. The answer is clear, yet it hurts.

I love people who could not love me. People want my love but I could not give it. I love others, and hope that they love me back, only to find out that I am weak--weak enough to fear of what might happen next. I am in love, but I am not in love.

To give something I must have that something. Else I fall into the delusion that I am worthy of giving. I'd rather see them happy in the arms of someone else, knowing that in mine they shall only thirst for something I could not provide. However I want it, man could not live with love alone.

Jacob was certainly in a good mood as he combed his hair in front of the mirror, humming a dance tune he had heard the night before. "This will be a fun night," he said to himself quietly. And in fact, the night did turn out quite well. Until the point he had to strangle his girlfriend.

My mind and my heart are one. My mind and my heart are not one. My body and my soul are similar. My body and my soul are not similar. I love someone, I don't love someone. I don't love someone, I love someone else. I love them both. I love them not.

Being in my position is not easy as it looks. I'm sorry, but my shoes are hard to fill. Believe me, I would do anything, anything. But I cannot change.

Why? Because change happens when something else happens, like when a fruit grows after the flower dies. To change something means to give up something else. And I could not give up who I am.

Mary always knew she married the perfect man, and all her friends thought so too. John was certainly Mr. Right--tall, dark, handsome and works with a large marketing firm that pays him more than he could ever spend. He was really the perfect guy, for even the way he disembowels his brides is a perfect technique.

Knowing that I was once a neopagan, my friend asked me once what would happen if someone I love dearly asks me to change my philosophy, my beliefs and my way of life. In a whirl of poignant emotions, I responded that I will not change.

I guess it's a large babble, with many subtexts, alternate meanings and other things like that. Medium not the message. The man is not the blog.

What is the sound of one hand clapping? Is it half-full or half-empty?.. I try to answer, but my mouth bites a branch of a tree.

You know I am scared. I have always been. So why the hell am I still dating?

Fred was panting. He just ran a mile, and he knows that there's no way that the man in the dark suit could find him. But it was he who found something. His eyes slowly grew larger, when he saw the bones of his mother, which he threw on this spot five years ago after he killed her.

DISCLAIMER: This posts contains various ideas on different topics. Do not try interpreting the text. Do not give it any meaning other. This work is a literary experiment. Nothing more.

Por Que?

2007-06-30T18:40:00.000+08:00

Te quiero verdad, pero no se si me quieres tambien.

Eres un dios, soy un hombre regular.

Me pregunta unica es, Puedes querer alguien quien no es tan caliente como te?

Porque quiero un japones raro, no lo se de verdad..

Revelation 1.0

2007-06-05T19:00:00.000+08:00

I guess you all know it by now.

School year 2007-2008 has come. The year I was set to graduate. The year when I march towards the end of my academic life. Unfortunately, some things are always unexpected.

No, I won't be graduating this year. Yes, I will have to endure another year. No, I didn't get debarred. Yes, I will continue my studies. No, I won't be going to school this semester. Yes, I feel so screwed.

Allow me to plunge myself in the illusion that you want to know how all of these things happened...

Milk, Basketball and the Storm

This whole thing started when I decided that I was bored with school. First semester, A.Y 2006-2007: I was constantly late in all my classes; I often didn't attend the boring ones. And I was pre-occupied with the things I'd rather do.

One day, a huge project came to my lap. I was a big break for me and my design career: a contractor asked me to do a project for this multi-national brand involving an interactive CD for kids. I was thrilled. For the first time in my life, I had gotten a six-digit deal. I thought everything was going to be great.

But I failed everything. I had no sleep. I had little time for anything else. And most of all, my academics were suffering.

And that isn't all. I caught school-spirit fever. I watched every basketball game I could. I was in Araneta instead of somewhere else. I thought that I should be there--not anywhere else.

So when the storm came and blew away my entire life, I was left alone. I didn't know what to do. I was shocked. I was devastated. I was thrown to the deepest bowels of my sanity.

Most of you never knew, and will never know, how awful I felt during those days. I never told anyone; I never wanted pity. And I know you all hated me.

And so one thing led to the other, one failure brought forth the next. My academics slowly dwindled into nothingness. I knew that this would happen, I always had. But the truth is, I never told anyone.

Decisions

To most of you, my decision to not enroll for this semester seems to be too naive. Of course, I never expected everyone to understand my decisions.

Trust me, I have thought of this matter over and over, and the only logical answer I get, aside from the fleeting ideas of my suicide, is to take a breather. And this is exactly what this is. A time for me to breathe.

My decision to not to come to school this semester is not an escape from the problem of my academics. Although I now regard my choice of journalism as a huge lack of foresight, I am wise enough to know that I have invested so much. And I do not plan to waste this investment.

To be honest, I am not really into the my own plans of going back to UST next semester. But then again, things are always unexpected.