The Father's Life

Think mom's work is worthless?

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:46:00 -0700

So obviously, I've been asking many questions about "work" lately. What is work? What does it mean to me? How should work effect me or change me? Does work have more or less value based on the type of work? Is one type of work worth more than another and not just in monetary terms? Do I as a human being need to work? Is it a need just like needs for beauty, truth, nature, art, and recreation?

Although important, I don't want to discuss using your "gifts and talents" and the monetary return of work, at least, not right now. I have been gathering material on work and reading as much as I can. I would like to discuss who first does work effect? Is work for me? Or is it to just to save and change the world only?

As I turn and watch my wife going about her day it is obvious she does a lot of work. I don't have to list them here because we all know what moms do. Then I turn back and think about myself (something I do much of) sitting trying to find or create my perfect ideal work. Then I think about how my work involves getting to go out and about, meeting people here and there, and doing this and that. And she is at home doing dishes and changing diapers and cleaning the living room for the 59th time in 1hr. My work effects many people. Her work effects the family. My work could be saving the world? Her work saves me from going crazy because she is in the kitchen making some great chili (because it snowed all day yesterday).

So, where am I going with this? There are many aspects of work that effect you and me and others indirectly but what is most important is how it effects me or you as a person - as a human. Is the work of a mom less important then a CEO of a non-for profit organization that saves millions? NO! If it was then all moms should just quit and go become CEOs - well, we should all become CEOs then. I am not saying being a CEO is not noble or important. And I am not saying that moms who work are doing something wrong. What I am saying is that work is first off FOR the person doing it and not the people that it effects.

Regardless of the type of work being done (whether doing dishes or being a CEO) - work is good for me. It changes me. It helps me get to know myself and who I really am. It shows me my limits and boundaries as a human. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. So if you are stuck in a job you hate or a mom doing dishes all day or a CEO with tons of work - know that first, "work" is given to help you grow. And that is what really matters.

My experience thus far is suggesting that we don't have to do something great or do it all to be or feel important. It is about letting our work help us realize more of who we are and to help us grow and mature in our humanity. In this sense, doing dishes is just as important as directing a world organization. Your thoughts???

Photo credit Dorothea Lange

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Exposing myself and a breakdown – Part 2

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:35:00 -0700

Trying to figure things out...

So, what was the real reason I broke down, fell into despair, and life seemingly turned dark? Why did I have to stop everything I was doing in that moment? It seemed like time stopped and I fell into some dark hole surrounded by a cloud of existential angst (don't worry, it has passed). Now, as I look back, I think the struggle with my work only deepened a desir for concrete answers to my deepest questions and my deepest needs; the need to belong, the need to know that my life is part of some bigger thing or story and the need to be a "part" in that story.

As I think back on that moment, I am realizing exactly what caused that moment. I came to grips with the fact that I don't have control. THAT'S IT! I don't have full control of my circumstances and the circumstances of my future. That is the reason why I had that despairing moment. NOT having full control of the journey that I find myself in...totally scared me. Toward the end of my breakdown, of which am grateful for, I had to surrender my desire for control and in that moment I felt freedom never felt before.

Know what I'm saying????

Photo credit Slawek Lopko

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Exposing myself and a breakdown - Part 1

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:05:00 -0700

( 5am - Oct 9, 2009) Let me say up front that we lack nothing. We have a roof over our head, shoes on our feet, and food to eat. In regards to my destiny - I can't wait to get there but for now I am happy (it wasn't always that way, but that's another story). So, what I mean by exposing myself is that I am going to lay it all out there, unmask myself, or make myself subject to who knows what:) I am sure this will help with getting over what people think, right? It is not easy to live behind a mask. And maybe, just maybe by doing this (writing) it will force me to unmask and find some more freedom. You will get to know who I am and maybe in the process it will help you get to know more of who you are too. Maybe this will, in way, help us to, as we use to say, "stay real". For most of us, I think we loose this realness as we grow older. Yesterday, I had sort of a breakdown.

You see - my major struggle since high school has been "figuring" out what I should do career wise. NO, I didn't know early on that I wanted to be this or that. I didn't even think about it until after high school. No one even asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now that I think about it - damn them for not asking (I better remember to ask my kids). Anyway, I have about 130 college credits, which is enough for a bachelors degree, but I all I have is an associates. Why no bachelors? I took all the classes that I wanted to take (mostly philosophy). Was that a mistake? I guess it doesn't matter now, huh? Oh, yea, that includes 5 different colleges. Hey, at least I got somewhat of a diverse education.

(9:24am - Oct 11, 2009) Sorry, I am finishing sometime later. I had to stop writing because it was early morning and my 6 month old woke up and I need to take him so mom can sleep. I also just realized that it is hard to come back to a moment of writing that is in the past. I guess I'd better find a better time to write. With that said - I will try to continue and start with a little more history. Most of my work in the past 8 years (years I have been married) have consisted of construction work and technology. Both of which I enjoy and like to do. More recently, I have been helping people by creating their websites and teaching them how to reach their audience using social media. The core of my mental "work" breakdown was that the work doesn't feel like it is enough. There is this feeling of "I can do more" or "offer more or want to know that I can make a bigger difference". For awhile, I wanted to help people figure out what their most "ideal" job could be and help them move into it. There is nothing wrong with this but my perspective at the time was that we can be totally "happy" if we had the perfect job. I know that is not the case now. Our "happiness" comes from elsewhere. What I am trying to say? I think what really is bothering me is that I still don't feel like I have found my "thing" and I am not sure what to do next in order to get closer to that "thing". I haven not found something I can pour my heart into - something I can be totally be passionate about.

(9:45 - Oct 12, 2009) I had to leave writing again for a whole day and half. Man! This is not easy. This post is already getting to long and so I might have to split it into two. Here is what was going through my head and what I was feeling at the time I pretty much spiraled down.

it is not easy working for yourself
finding clients is tough and I need some by next month
I am not totally passionate about this stuff (at least parts of it)
how the hell did I end up here in this place and why????
am I on the right path and how does effect my destiny?
what exactly is my next step? (this is probably the most difficult of them all)
I have 5 kids to feed.....ummmmm!
my wife must think I'm crazy:)
does all this really matter anyway?
I am loosing energy thinking about all this
how in the world do I face this reality

I am going to have to continue later... ---- Photo Credit: Slawek Lopko

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My First Post

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 07:15:00 -0700

I found the word "me" on a tree
I went to see the movie Julie and Julia (I was the only one in the theater) last night. I also went by myself because I figured no guy friend would want to go and it is not easy to find a babysitter at this point. I didn't go because it was about cooking although I would like to taste everything she cooked. The reason I went is because part of the movie had to do with blogging or more so writing. I have been wanting to write for about 31/2 years now and have been putting it off. I have a million excuses that go through my head. That is the problem I think, I think I think to much, well sometimes. I start asking myself questions. I think they were used more as excuses, right?

Here is a list:

1. Where does this desire to write come from?

2. What the hell do I write about anyway?

3. What if I am not supposed to right?

4. Who cares if I write?

5. Why should I care if others care if I write?

6. My grammar sucks and therefore no one will understand what I am trying to say anyway.

7. My vocabulary is not big enough - so I can't express myself.

8. I can't get the site to look good.

9. I can't write an "about" page.

10. Or even a "what I do page".

11. Will my writing correspond with my work and just confuse people?

12. Ultimately, I am scared to share my life and it's experiences with the world.

I am to damn worried about what other people might think. Maybe this whole project will help me get over myself and not worry about what other people think - because it doesn't matter! I just need to see it as a way to write about the judgment I make regarding my experience. I am a happily married father of 5. And yes it is a crazy life. My "work" situation isn't the greatest and I am still searching for that niche. It is not easy and it can be very tiring. But it is my reality and these are my circumstances. I in no way want to give it up but am always in search of how to truly face my reality. So, the blog is not designed yet, there are no other pages yet and there is nothing really fancy here. But I started. I guess.

The Father's Life

Think mom's work is worthless?

Exposing myself and a breakdown – Part 2

Exposing myself and a breakdown - Part 1

My First Post

Hole in the clouds on the fourth of July.