Say something funny.

As a professional comedian, I am frequently asked to “say something funny”. You know, like how architects are always asked to “draw something buildingy” at parties. Like how people are always saying “real quick — remove my moles!” to doctors at movie theaters? No?  That doesn’t happen? Hm. Weird.

Last week — as I was being wheeled into surgery*, on a gurney, in a hospital gown with a goddamn IV in my arm — my doctor demanded I say something funny to the nurse. “Go ahead! She’s a comedian — she’s really funny. Do a joke.”

Because it is scary to be in a hospital with a bunch of strangers about to knock you out and poke around inside of you, I was not feeling “hilarious”. So I replied, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m kind of off the clock right now.”

You would think I had just said “Eat a dick, Whitey.” And I kind of wish I had.

“Uh! Whuh! Well, I met Sarah Silverman the other day, and SHE would have told a joke when I asked.”

“Sorry. I guess you should operate on Sarah Silverman then?” The nurse laughed. “And I just made your nurse laugh, so I guess I did say something funny.”

So what I am saying is that I probably have a fork sewn into my intestines now.

*Don’t worry about it. Same old broken gut, nothing too bad.

My newest is called We Pretty Ugly — the prettiest ladies making the ugliest faces.

I know, fellas — It’s pretty tricky to figure out how to approach a lady. Even more so online. What do you say?! How much? When? WHY WONT SHE JUST COME OVER AND LOOK AT YOUR DOG AND PENIS?????? Well, as a lady, I have gotten more than a few emails from men online. Based on the emails I have received, here are a few tips for crafting yours:

1. A good way to stand out from the crowd is to start by pointing out any spelling or grammar errors in her profile. Nothing says “I’m going to be super fun on a date!” like “Too many semi-colons.”
2. A lot of ladies are “almost perfect”, but don’t know why. Grr! Don’t keep your new gal in the dark. Tell her straight out -
   “You’re almost perfect, except too short.“
   “You’re almost perfect, except too much eyebrows. Gross!“
   “You’re almost perfect, except you like Dirty Dancing and that movie blows, stupid! Lololololol, hahaha, also tacos.“
   It’ll be a fun reminder of trying to wish her dad home from business trips when she was a kid!
3. Pay close attention to the time you send your message. Everybody and their brother emails during the day. BORING! Try reaching out at a sexier time, like 3am on a Tuesday, or 9pm on a Friday. Let her know what time of day you are sitting at home, alone, staring at the ceiling with your dick in your hand.
4. Don’t “bust your hump” writing email after email to different girls. Just write one and cut and paste it to a bunch of different ladies! They can’t tell the difference! Better yet, make her do the work and just send a note that says “hi, u.” That way you don’t even have to read her profile! Or be literate at all. Can you read this? Oranges? People phone? Karrowanger flim flak? Hi, u!
5. If you are a middle aged virgin who always pays for dinner and hates taller men, that is part of what makes you special and quirky. TELL HER ABOUT IT! You gotta sell yourself, brother.
6. Definitely don’t beat around the bush! Yes, ask her what books she’s reading, but don’t forget to ask her right away if she likes to suck cock. Not everyone does! It’s important to know up front, and it will be a question she really wants to answer, so she’ll for sure write back.
7. A fun word to use a lot is “obsessed”. As in “I’m obsessed with my dog” or “I’m obsessed with the way my dog smells” or “I have a hard time getting erect around humans.”
8. When in doubt, remember that everyone loves a good story, and ladies especially love to laugh. Send her a detailed account of the time you shit your pants in your pick-up truck outside a stranger’s house. And GET READY FOR TONS OF TAIL.

I have threatened/planned to get a tattoo for years now. It has taken a long time to wear down my mother’s panic from a “next you’ll stop wearing a bra and get raped in a van by a carnie” fervor into a dulled “what will your children say”/“when you get fat it will look melty” throb. I am also very indecisive, and have occasional bursts of horrible taste. If I had gotten the tattoos I have wanted I would currently have a Mary Jane wrapper on my ankle, an E.T. tramp stamp, the word “Shameless” across my back, and — I assume - a job at a gas station.

But now I am older and wiser, and I figure the world is ending in 3 years anyway, so it’s time to tattoo it up! Here are the ideas I am considering:

• Kittens with bows and tiny machine guns
• Purple pieman holding the severed head of Strawberry Shortcake with the words “Sic Semper Tyranus” under it
• Seagulls all over my face
• The latitude and longitude of the birthplaces of Angelina Jolie’s children
• 01110011 01101100 01110101 01110100 (Binary code for “slut”)
• Cat eyes with dancers for pupils on my shoulder blades
• Screaming half-melted ice cream cone
• The Jem Glitter and Gold roadster I never fucking got for Christmas.
• The phrase “Remember, the enemy’s gate is down.” In Klingon.
• “Xavier Roberts” signature on my ass.
• E.T. tramp stamp

Of course, all of the above would say “Tyler Perry’s _____ tattoo” above them.

I’ll post a pic when I get it finished!

Jem Glitter and Gold Roadster.
It plays tapes! This would have been a sweet Christmas gift, seriously.

When I was a kid I decided that if I knew I was going to die I wanted to go one of two ways: sucked into a black hole, or eaten by a shark. Both of them are things that you can only experience in death. Now, sure, you could argue that ANY way you die is going to be something you could only experience by dying. But I was like, 7, ok? Plus, I don’t care to know how it feels to get shot in the face. I DO want to know what the inside of a black hole looks like, and I would like to get up close and personal with a shark.

I think the black hole thing makes universal sense. Who WOULDN’T want to get sucked into a black hole? I mean, sure, you’re probably going to get stretched and torn to pieces just on your way in. But, WHAT IF YOU DIDN’T?? Then you could at least get a minute or two of “HOLY SHIT!! This dimension is exactly the same except here ponies brush US! Numbers are sentient!!!” before the diabetes gets you.

The shark thing might be weirder. Sharks are fucking terrifying. They are real, live, murderous dinosaur monsters — they kill, they fuck, they die. That’s about it. No art projects, no dams or nests to build. Even bears take care of their young and like honey — that’s relatable. Sharks will fucking cut a bitch. If you look into the eyes of a tiger, you feel something. Look into a shark’s eyes? Nothing. Blank. Total murder. Somehow, getting very close to something that powerfully threatening is fascinating. But you can’t just touch a shark — I mean a REAL shark, not one of those tiny ones — you have to be ready to go all-in.

Plus, for just that one moment while it’s eating you, you are the most important thing in the world to that shark. There is no other way to have a shark give a shit about you. Maaaaaybe if you and Roy Scheider spend days on a boat trying to kill it, MAYBE then. But for the most part they just don’t care about you.  You could say that their brains are too stupid and primitive to care about anything, or you be cool and romanticize it like I did above.

Now, my mother reads this blog — so I am trying avoid the comparisons to  swimming nightmare dicks. But come on, they are. I mean, look at that photo. That is super sexy. I mean “scary”!  WHATEVER. If sharks aren’t an answer to vagina dentata, I don’t know what is. Women often get a bad rap for being attracted to “bad boys” or “assholes”. That seems misguided — I think maybe what we all really want is a supportive relationship with a nice cute guy, and then to be eaten by a shark. Or to get sucked back into a cosmic vagina.

1. Want to hear a secret? The Mummy was CGI. Oh, you knew that? Ok. How about this? I smell like cedar and honey.
2. John Cena and I found an injured baby fawn, can your hold our shirts while we lift it out of my pick-up truck?
3. You’re Eliza Skinner? From Elizaskinner.net?! Holy Shit!
4. Yeah, I do all my stunts, except kissing. My kisses are too dangerous.
5. Can you hold this giant bag of money for me? I need to find someone hilarious and largely unknown to buy a movie from.
6. Ugh, some times I get so tired of shooting action movies every day - I really just want to read young-adult sci-fi novels, listen to hip hop, and bone.
7. One time I got so drunk I totally made out with Robert Downey Jr.  Just kidding, I wasn’t drunk.
8. I’d like you to meet my friend, J.J. Abrams.
9. “Why aren’t you dancing? You come to a club and you’re supposed to dance!” haha, just kidding. That’s you, right? I love Amy at the Club!
10. What’s up? I’m Brendan Fraser.

But wow, is it bad. One issue included a feature called Grab His Butt Like This. I am not even lying you guys. Someone went to college and got a journalism degree and now instructs androids, autistics, and Cosmo readers on how to properly touch their human boyfriend’s ass. There is also an article entitled How To Get Him To Tell The Truth, which I expected to be about waterboarding. Actually, it is all about how to manipulate your liar boyfriend into lying to you less often.

And worst of all, WORST OF ALL (I swear to god, go to a newsstand and check for yourself) there is an article actually listed as: When Your Hoo-ha’s Burning: Don’t Use This Common Cure! HOO. HA. Come on, ladies and gays of Cosmo — cut to the chase and entitle it “Nasty Pussy - Cranberry Juice Won’t Fix A Broken Snatch, Dummy!”

I just wish it was written by witches. Then all the advice might actually be effective, instead of impotent and manipulative.  Plus it would be more fun. Articles like 5 Risks That’ll Make You More In Love will be full of cool things like “Kill a virgin at midnight! Bleed into his cereal! Never wear panties/always wear a rat’s skull!” Gut Feelings You Should Never Ignore would have some entertaining “Your spell has been thwarted by a more powerful warlok”, “Your monkey is turning evil”, or “The undead have a score to settle with you” material. And Must Have Items would definitely not be a leather jacket, oversize tote and a tiered miniskirt. It would be a spooky hooded robe, extra eyeball, and a tiered miniskirt. Just because you’re a witch doesn’t mean you can’t slut it up some too.