My intention last week to stop people pleasing really challenged me. It allowed me to finally gain the courage to end an abusive relationship for good. It also allowed me to reexamine my current relationships and see where my people pleasing was having a detrimental impact. Although my week is over, I am going to continue to work towards lessening the people pleasing and increasing the pleasing of myself.
My intention this week is to live in the moment. I decided on this intention because this week is going to be busy (I am moving next Tuesday!!!) and I want to make sure to be present for my last week living in Toronto. This means not getting too boggled down by my to-do list and really focusing on experiences.
What about you lovelies? What is your intention for this week?
]]>Day 2:
I was spoiled by the universe on Day 1. On Day 2, I set my intention and eagerly awaited to see what the universe had in store for me. Around noon, it became clear that the theme of the day for the universe was connections. I received emails, Tweets, phone calls and text messages all allowing me to connect more with the people in my life whom I love and/or care about. From fellow bloggers to old friends, day 2 was full of heart warming exchanges that really allowed me to refuel my soul and see that I have so many amazing and wonderful people in my life. I am so grateful to the universe for gifting me with connections!
Day 3:
On Day 3 the universe gifted me with a life lesson. A life lesson that the universe has been trying to drill in my head over and over. Yesterday I finally stopped and listened to the lesson. Over and over again yesterday I was given the message: If someone loves you, they will not hurt you. Plain and simple. It doesn’t matter how much they apologize or how many times they say they will never do it again. If somebody you love is hurting you, you should not be in a relationship with them. I know this. Deep down I know this. But when logic and emotion tangle, I usually side with emotion. However, yesterday was different. After a long argument, a physical altercation and spending most of the night screaming with my Ex, I woke up covered in bruises and with the feeling that I had to do something. Rather than my typical approach with him, I decided that enough was enough and that I was going to tell him to leave my house. I did. He got angry. I left crying and went to therapy. I was completely honest with my therapist about the situation and we had a really good talk about safety planning and what my next steps should be. Throughout the day in various contexts, I kept seeing the message above that if someone loves you, they won’t hurt you. Seeing this message over and over again made me realize that I had to start putting myself first. I could never have the life that I wanted if I was letting someone control and hurt me
I decided first to call my Ex. On the phone, I told him that although I loved him and would always care about him, I could not be with someone who had no control over their anger and who more often than not hurt me. He didn’t take this well at all and began with a parade of threats. After talking with a couple of loved ones and my therapist, I decided that the only way that I was going to be able to gain control and stop fearing for my safety was to get a restraining order. So last night after work I went to the police station in my area to start the process.
I am so grateful to the universe for making me see this lesson. I know the road ahead is going to be sad and painful, but I know I am resilient and I am will come out of this stronger and in control of my life. And that is one of the greatest gifts I can ever imagine.
]]>For the past couple of years I have struggled a lot with my relationship to the divine. Often times, I have felt anger, bitterness and upset at God because of what happened to me when I was younger. As a child, I could not understand why something so horrible would happen to someone who was good and who prayed. I am realizing now as an adult that what happened had nothing to do with the divine and had to do with the individuals involved.
Watching Eat, Pray, Love yesterday for the second time, what really stuck for me was the scene where Gilbert said: “God is within you, in you.” This concept is something that I would like to explore in the coming weeks as I dig deeper and deeper in to exploring my spirituality.
What about you lovelies? Have you ever struggled with spirituality?
]]>You can work but you can’t let go
Oh, oh but you have to know
Don’t look back all you’ll ever get is the dust from the steps before
My intention for this week is to stop people pleasing. Journalling this morning, i realized that my people pleasing had a lot to do with living and thinking in the past. Or in other words, I still feel like the abused child who has to prove herself over and over again in order to get love. When in a conflict or when trying to make a decision, I revert back to my child self and make decisions based upon what will please whomever I am dealing with the most and thus prevent me from being hurt. This is no way to live and I have decided here and now that I am going to change this. It is time to say goodbye to past and let it stay in the past.
In order for me to say goodbye to the past, I think it is important to focus on the present and the future. I have big dreams that I want to live out and I do not want them to get covered in dust from the past. I was inspired today to re-write my Mondo Beyondo list. I have changed and evolved quite a bit since October 2009 when I wrote my first list. This list reflects who I am today and what I am looking forward to in the future.
Mondo Beyond List August 2010:
The Receiving Project is 32 day process designed to explore and enhance your ability to receive the multitude of gifts that life has to offer.
Are you a “giver”, giving of yourself and time, but have a hard time when other’s want to appreciate you? Is it a challenge to receive from The Universe? Are you receiving the experiences that you want in your life?
Something amazing happens when people set the intention to receive gifts from The Universe. They become open to the magnificent presents that are all around them, everyday. They get into a groove where goodness flows. And most of all they have fun.
All you do is set the intention to receive a gift from the universe every day for 32 days. These gifts can come in any and every form. If you feel like it’s a gift that you were able to receive, then it counts.
After reading the above description, I eagerly signed up to participate. However, after getting the welcome email and reading through the questions I began to panic. I thought back on some of the reflection I had done while reading The Wishing Year by Noelle Oxenhandler and wondered:
I used my Morning Pages all weekend to journal about these thoughts and in the end I realized that my hesitations had more to do with my emotional state than to do with my relationship with the universe. I decided while writing my Morning Pages on Sunday morning that I would give The Receiving Project a try. Every day for the next 32 days I would set the intention to receive a gift (or gifts) from the universe.
This morning I set the intention for the first time. I got up early, did some meditation and then wrote in my Moleskine: “Today I will receive a gift from the universe.” After I wrote it, I stared at it for awhile. Would the gift just appear from the pages of my planner? What would my gift for the day be?
After setting my intentions for the day, my day became a little rocky. I waited for a couple of hours at the hospital only to find out that they would not be able to do my blood test for an additional hour. While waiting I spilled homemade ketchup all over my cute new white shirt. I was late to work because I accidentally got on the wrong streetcar and ended up 20 blocks from where I needed to be. As I got off of the streetcar, it crossed my mind that perhaps I was being punished for daring to ask the universe for a gift. What I failed to realize was that taking the streetcar by accident was leading me to my first gift.
Gift # 1: Because I got on the wrong streetcar, the only way I could get to work was to either walk or take a cab. I opted to walk and on my walk I was able to truly slow down and appreciate the smaller details all around me. I discovered for the first time that there is a yoga studio within five minutes of my work that offers Kundalini yoga at a reasonable price. I also got to witness the most adorable family of little birds taking care of one another. Both of these things I would have missed had I been on the right streetcar.
Gift # 2: After work I headed back to the hospital to attempt to do my blood work again and to see my specialist. I figured I would have to wait at least another hour to get my blood drawn. But as soon as I got there the nurse remembered me and put me at the front of the line. As she was taking my blood, we had a really great conversation about miracles, Goddesses and the power of the mind. If I had of had my blood taken in the morning, I never would have gotten the chance to have this conversation and learn more about a circle of Goddesses taking place near the hospital.
Gift # 3: Since getting sick in April money has been really tight. I was approved last week for sick leave employment insurance for the time I was sick. However, bureaucracy means that it may take up to two months for me to received the money. On top of having limited funds, I also had to pay three months rent at once in July (Rent for July on my current apartment + first and last on my new apartment) which meant I had to deplete my savings. I had a couple of bills due at the end of the week and was really worried about being able to pay them. While I was opening my mail this evening I noticed that there was a cheque mixed in between magazines, bills and appointment notices. The cheque part of a new tax rebate program in my province was in almost the exact amount of money that I need to pay my bills this week.
Gift # 4: A couple of years ago, I had the most amazing purse. It was a Motorcycle Bag from Aldo in black that lasted me nearly two years. It fit everything that I had perfectly and was just the right size. Last year after two years of hard use, it began to wear around the edges and eventually both zippers broke. I tried to replace it but nothing seemed quite right. For the past six months, I have been scouring Ebay and Craigslist hoping to find that some beautiful soul is selling their Motorcycle Bag. But I had no luck until today. Early this evening I went to Kensington Market to get some gluten free goodies. While I was walking to my favourite health food store, I decided to stop in one of the vintage/used clothing stores. On the shelf was my beloved purse. The exact one that I had been searching for. And it was only $10.
My first day with The Receiving Project has been amazing and i cannot wait to see what is to come. I happy that I challenged my negative assumptions and decided to go on with the project.
Are any of you lovelies participating in The Receiving Project? How do you view wishing and the universe?
]]>For the past little while, I have noticed that I have this tendency to consider the feelings of all those around me but not my own. For example, in therapy I tend to say what I know will please my therapist rather than what I am truly feeling. But enough is enough! It is time for me to start expressing myself and saying how I really feel in therapy and in life. So this week I intend to stop people pleasing and start pleasing myself. I am not exactly sure what this will look like, but I am excited to try.
What about you lovelies? Do you set weekly intentions? Have you ever struggled with people pleasing?
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Here are some of the ways that I intend to use in order to invite some self-love in to my life:
What about you lovelies? Where do you wish to send some love? Do you have any tips for encouraging self-love?
]]>Beginnings:
My journey with disordered eating began when I was around five years old. My mom and grandmother were on Weight Watchers and I decided that I should join them in restricting my eating. At this time, I went from being a food loving kid to a kid who would only eat certain foods, in a certain order, at certain times. This pattern continued for about a year, until I grew tired of the rigidity and began to overeat. When I was around thirteen, I was bullied pretty severely for being overweight. This led me to thinking that my body was not good enough and the only way that I would be loved would be if I was able to lose weight. What began as a healthy and moderated diet, quickly turned in to restricting followed by the binge/purge cycle. This went on roughly from the time I was thirteen through to seventeen. When I was seventeen, I confided in my doctor at the time that I was worried about my problematic eating and wanted some help. He said that I was too “overweight” to have an eating disorder and that I did not fit in with what a person with an eating disorder is supposed to look like. After this conversation, the eating disordered voice in my head was determined to prove him wrong and show him that I was indeed sick. I slipped deeper and deeper in to bulimic behaviors and took off a lot of weight really quickly. After about eight months of severe behavior, I was finally ready to get help. I talked to a new doctor and began treatment which consisted of seeing a doctor, nutritionist and therapist. I continued seeing all of these practitioners until I left (ran away) from home three years later.
Relapse:
The thing about eating disorders is that you can relapse at any given time. Part of my original treatment was learning ways to prevent relapse. But even when you have relapse prevention strategies in place, that ED voice can come creeping up. The past three years has had me struggling on and off with eating disorder behaviors. Through therapy, I was able to notice that my ED behaviors are tied for the most part in to trauma. Whenever I experienced trauma and or relived certain traumatic events (due to PTSD), I was more likely to have a surge in the eating disorder voices. Still for the most part I was able to keep away from completely engaging in ED behaviors.
Present Day:
When I got really sick in late March my throat ulcerated and I was unable to eat or speak for about six weeks. For the first three weeks, I was at home and because it was far too painful to eat, I just didn’t. When I got to the hospital, I was put on a liquid diet. Being without food for so long meant that I rapidly lost weight. The combination of not being able to eat, losing weight and wanting to have some sort of control over my body, led me to begin listening to the ED voice again and thus engage in eating disorder behaviors. For the past 2-3 months I have been really struggling with the resurgence of my eating disorder. Last week I realized that my ED behaviors were getting a little out of control and decided to begin the process of getting help again.
Getting help has been quite difficult for me. I find that when I ask for help, I become really shy and feelings of inadequacy and not being deserving of help come up. Last night I left a message for one of my medical health practitioners (whom had called me and I trust) asking for help and I have been freaking out all day because I feel like I am not deserving of help. Do any of you lovelies have any tips on asking for help/getting help?
I have decided to share my struggles here because I think it is really important for us to talk about these things, support one another and share resources. Have any of you lovelies ever dealt with an eating disorder? Do you have any advice?
]]>August is going to be a busy month for me. I am moving at the end of the month, going on two weekend trips to Montreal and Niagara on the Lake and attempting to spend as much time as possible with loved ones. Because of all these wonderful things are happening, I am only going to focus on one goal this month. That goal is to relaunch Ellecubed and make it more in line with who/where I am today.
I have been going back and forth for awhile about whether I should shut this blog down and start a new one or if I should just relaunch. Last week my hosting came up for renewal and was automatically paid, I took that as a sign from the universe that I should continue on with Ellecubed and not start another blog.
Ellecubed will still be about my life. But the truth is I have changed so much in the past six months and I want my blog to reflect the new and changing me. This means writing on new topics and engaging in new subjects. Particularly I am interested in writing about body acceptance, gluten and free adventures, the law of attraction, magic, budgeting, technology, style , eating disorder recovery, natural health, yoga, gratitude and the things that are making me happy.
Would you lovelies still be interested in reading if I wrote on the above topics?
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What does your ideal day look like? Do you believe in the law of attraction?
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