I have a case of the mean reds. This particular case of the mean reds has left me gripping for authenticity and not wanting to sugar coat things. You see I try really hard to focus on the good and positive things in my life. But sometimes the mean reds slip in and I am left with a big pile of grief, fear and anger.  My usual response to the mean reds is to pretend that they are not happening, to completely ignore my feelings and go on pretending that I am okay and everything is happy and dandy.

I give myself permission to authentically express my emotions

I give myself permission to have the mean reds and not hide that I am having them

Today I am sad and grieving. I am missing my beloved friend and coming to grips with the fact that she is no longer a part of my present or future. I am listening to Melancholy Blue and remembering how my life was with her and recognizing the pain of living without her.

Today I am angry. Angry for the little girl that I was who was unable to fight back. Angry that my body now holds within it the marks of years of trauma. Angry that justice is an uneven process and I have to fight like hell to get it.

Today I am scared. Scared about the future. Scared about who I am becoming (even though I know  she is wonderful and authentic). Scared about what I am leaving behind.

This post is a response to this weeks Wishcasting prompt by the lovely Jamie Ridler. This week she asks, “What do you wish to give yourself permission for?”

• Being honest: back when we did The Joy Diet, I realized how important it was to speak and live my truth. Somewhere between then and last week, I forgot that lesson. For the past week I have been practicing speaking my truth and it has made me so much happier and has made things much less complicated. For example in therapy I was constantly trying to please my therapist and tell her what I thought she wanted to hear. When I finally spoke up and told her what it was that I was feeling and what I wanted to address, our session became completely different and much more healing.
• Snow: Toronto is known for being quite a snowy place in the winter. This winter however, there really hasn’t been a lot of snow. We got ten centimetres of snow today and it making me grin from ear to ear. Mostly because it means that I can build a snowman, go snowboarding and drink copious amounts of hot drinks.
• The rest in no particular order: watching my favourite Gilmore Girls episodes; reading by candlelight; warm fuzzy mittens, reading questions and answers on Formspring; warm sheets fresh out of the dryer; Pushing Daisies; Gala Darling’s Love and Sequins Podcast; massages; The amazing people I converse with regularly on Twitter; Meeting with other survivors and hearing their stories; social work classes; Mary Oliver’s poetry; Morning pages; Tumblr; realizing how much I have to be grateful for; friends who drop by, leave texts and phone me about gluten free discoveries; receiving surprise hand written notes in the mail; making surprise snail mail packages; reading about Carolyn’s vegan journey on her new blog; the book Gluten Free Girl; setting intentions for the week & finding notes from my darling all around my apartment.

What about you lovelies? What is making you happy this week?

• Being out of the hospital. I absolutely hate having to stay at the hospital. It makes me miserable and antsy. I am so happy to be home surrounded by my own bed + loved ones + oodles of magazines.
• Being diagnosed as Celiac. I know most people probably would not be happy about this but I am beyond happy to finally have answers to my previous unexplained health issues. Finding out I have celiac has given me the push to learn more about the food I am eating + be more creative in the kitchen.
• Perfecting the art of the gluten free crepe. I got home from the hospital this morning and really wanted to make some crepes for my darling. After some trial and error I was able to make some delicious crepes. The best part was that neither of us could tell that  they were lacking in gluten.
• The rest in no particular order: sheets warm from the dryer; Super Mario Bros for Wii;  smoothies with a coconut base; the Toronto Public Library; the smell of fresh baking cookies; cuddling; holding hands; 100 Ways To Start Loving Yourself Right Now; amazing friends and “family” who have come over to drop off some gluten free goodies and spend time with me; finding out most of Lush products are gluten free; Carolyn’s list of her favourite Lush Products; perusing local health food stores; getting more in touch with my body; chai tea; using dance to spice up boring tasks; watching the snow from my balcony; Buddha Bar music & Snow Leopard.

How about you darlings? What is making you happy this week?

• The book Tranquilista. I managed to pick up a copy at my local book store yesterday and fell madly in love with the book. Much like Kimberly Wilson’s first book Hip Tranquil Chick, this will be a book that I frequently read and highlight in pink.
• Volunteering for the local rape crisis centre. The responses to my post:  The Stories That Define Us made me realize that I have a voice and that I have the ability to speak up. My survivor spark in burning brightly and it has made me want to give back to other survivors. I have decided to take the brave leap and do the rape crisis centre training.
• The rest in no particular order: Watching Audrey Hepburn movies; Reading Pablo Neruda poetry; blood oranges; bright and sunny winter days with snow covering the ground; making delicious home cooked meals; learning how to make red velvet cupcakes; corresponding with readers of this blog; wearing lace; getting closer and closer to discovering my Style Statement; Lush Sex Bomb; My new Coach purse; making new spinach + fruit combinations with my Magic Bullet; spring anticipation; tweaking my morning and evening routines; decluttering; saving money by not eating fast food and putting it in a splurge fund; people watching at Starbuck’s; Searching for the perfect green tea; Lincoln Park After Dark OPI nail polish; being able to wear my hair in a ponytail; Gala Darling’s Radical Self Love posts;  attending my first social work class; making time for self-work; winter runs; debating which organization to choose for my social work placement & playing really loud  inspirational music in the morning.

What is making you lovelies happy this week?

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

What about lovelies? Do you have a favourite poet or poetry collection? Do you have go to poem that you read over and over?

My Story

I have debated for a long time about whether or  not I should share my story. When I saw that today’s  wishcasting prompt from the lovely Jamie Ridler  was:  What story do you wish to live or let go of? I decided that this was a wink from the universe letting me know that it was time to share my story.

My story begins at four years old. I was a bright and cheery child who loved art and had knack for reading. I started kindergarten that year and I was a generally happy and well adjusted child. That was also the year that a family member began molesting me. Before long inappropriate touching turned to rape and every so often turned to daily.  I spent seventeen years of my life in this situation because I was scared, threatened and unsure of how to get out of it. On December 3, 2007 I ran away from it all. I ran far and fast and with time and a little bit of distance got the police involved and began the process of rebuilding my life. Today I am still in the process of healing and surviving. Trying to put the pieces of my life back together and figure out what it is like to live without the fear of abuse.

The Many Faces of This Story

I have to tell my story quite often in different manifestations. To strangers who ask about my family, I tell it in a sugar coated way. To my therapist who is encouraging me to dig deeper, I tell it without holding back. To the legal system, I tell it as it happened. To my friends,  I tell it as honestly as I can in any given moment. T0 myself, I tell it in a hurtful way.

What story do I wish to let go of?

Internally I tell myself that the rape, the molestation, the beatings and the various broken bones were all my fault. I come up with a number of logical and valid reasons to justify how I made the abuse happen. All of the things that I did and didn’t do to make it continue to happen. I tell this story to myself frequently because it is comfortable.  But I know longer want to tell this story. Partly because it is untrue and partly because it does not do justice to me and the person I am today. For so long this story has defined me. But I am ready to let go of it and let a new story define me.

What story do I wish to tell?

I wish to tell the story of a young girl who went through incomprehensible trauma but was able to survive and is working hard to create a life full of safety love and laughter.

Fast Food

This week I will be tackling fast food. Here are the reasons that I want to cut back/eliminate the amount of fast food that I eat

1. Fast food meals are not all that healthy. They lack the whole foods, vitamins and minerals that my body needs to thrive.
2. Eating fast food many times a week has also had a negative impact on my finances. The amount of money I spend on eating out is ridiculous and that money could be better spent.
3. Eating fast food is about convenience and it usually does not leave me feeling satisfied.
4. I have no control over the ingredients that go in to fast food or how the food is obtained, prepared and cooked

Nourishing Home Cooked Meals

In order to encourage myself to give up fast food, I am going to encourages myself to make nourishing home cooked meals and bringing the leftovers for lunch. To make this switch possible, I plan to do the following:

1. I am going to plan my meals for the week: I am going to sit down tonight and decide what I will be eating for lunch and dinner every day for the next week. Once I have done this, I am going to make a grocery list and get all of the groceries required to make the meals I have planned out.
2. I am going to stock up on healthy snacks and keep them readily available at work and at home.
3. I am going to pack my lunch every day this week so I wont be tempted to go and buy fast food.

Here are a list of resources that I am  finding helpful in attempting to kick my fast food habit:

• Purse and Briefcase Food from Making Love In The Kitchen
• The Anti- Fast Food Diet from Zen Habits
• The documentaries Food Inc and Fast Food Nation
• The books In Defense of Food and The Kindness Diet

What about you lovely readers? Do you ever find you rely too much on fast food? Have you been able to kick the fast food habit? Any stories, resources or helpful links would be greatly appreciated.

• Getting accepted in to my dream social work program after months of paper work. The best part I get to start taking classes next week that will lead me to getting my Masters in Social Work.
• Launching Ellecubed 2.0 and getting supportive and encouraging tweets, emails and comments.
• Creating and putting together my new Planner Pad. I had so much fun deciding what paper to  use, which things to add and how to get it bound.
• Watching documentaries on a variety of subjects.  Over the past couple of weeks I have had the pleasure of watching Food Inc, Enlighten Up, Crazy Sexy Cancer and Valentino.
• Style Statement: This is probably the best book that I have read in the past year. It is chock full of goodness and has allowed me to learn more about my authentic self. As I work through the process of figuring out my style statement, I am having so much fun doing the written exercises and oogling the beautiful pictures. If you would like to learn more about the book, the lovely Analiese Marie of Tulips and Tea did a lovely write up of the book here that inspired me to check it out of the library.
• Taking 15 minute walks in the sunshine. The past couple of weeks have been really dark and gray in Toronto. This week however we have had a few days with shiny blue skies. On each of these days, I have gone out for a walk in the sun and have felt so much better after doing it.
• Winding down the evening with a hot bath full of sea salt + bubbles, a good magazine and my journal

What about you lovelies? What is making you happy this week? Are you participating in the Happy Book Mail Around?