Emails Not Sent

Dear Boss

2010-04-15T08:34:00.001-04:00

Here are the five reasons I can't be at work today.

5. I'm tired of not having time to listen to my Kids On The Block CD Box Set.

4. I'm missing Rachel Ray's Show. She's the white Oprah you know.

3. If I don't get back to the couch the imprint of my ass will soon disappear.

2. I'll never reach my goal of eating so much that I can't leave the house if I have to keep leaving the house for work.

1. How the hell am I ever going to start Hairclub For Me if I can't find time for an appointment?

Dear GPS

2010-03-30T13:35:00.002-04:00

Yeh, I know I missed that last turn. Get off my ass about it!

Dear Congress

2010-03-24T15:37:00.002-04:00

Please pass the Shut The Hell Up About Healthcare Act.

Dear Scotty Lago

2010-02-21T16:05:00.003-05:00

It's easy to mistake an Olympic medal as an athletic supporter. Clearly the fan pictured in the photo was confused too and was simply helping you ensure the Bronze cup was positioned correctly. Personally, I wouldn't have used my mouth to do that, but each to their own.

To All The Girls I've Loved Before

2010-02-14T08:15:00.000-05:00

Bite me.

Dear Viewers of the Winter Games Opening Ceremonies

2010-02-13T00:38:00.002-05:00

Anyone else see that the Canadians couldn't get one of the pillars of their indoor Olympic cauldron up? Was anyone else hoping NBC would cut to a Viagra commercial at that moment?

Dear English Teacher

2010-02-06T12:11:00.001-05:00

Who came up with the term 'give a shit'? More importantly, why in the hell would you want someone to 'give a shit'? Isn't that a bad thing? Personally, I would hope nobody ever plans to 'give a shit' to me.

Dear Music Teacher

2010-02-01T21:34:00.002-05:00

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes". Now why the hell are the knees and toes so damn special you have to sing them twice?

Dear Skittles

2010-01-27T18:30:00.000-05:00

I've tasted the rainbow and it doesn't taste a damn thing like Skittles. Those freaking leprechauns are liars.

Sincerely,

Mr. Sarcasm

Dear President Obama

2009-07-31T13:40:00.002-04:00

Thank you! Your Beer Summit idea was fantastic! Now instead of telling my significant other that I'm heading out to the bars to drink with the guys I can simply tell her I'm going to a beer summit to promote racial peace.

This is yet another reason why I voted for you!

Sincerely,
Samual Adams

Dear Monday

2009-07-27T08:03:00.001-04:00

You suck.

Dear Taco Bell Dog

2009-07-23T11:53:00.005-04:00

I was saddened when I heard of your passing at the mere age of 15. In honor of your memory I've written you a memorial in Haiku.

Yo quiero my friend
You're right. Burritoes are good.
Chihuahua's kick ass.

God speed on your way to the Taco Bell in the sky. Run, run to the border my friend and don't worry. You don't need any stinking badges to get in.

In memorial,
Your fans

Dear Demi and iTunes

2009-07-21T13:20:00.003-04:00

I hear that Demi Lovato has the #1 album on iTunes.

Great. Between that and the upcoming eclipse there is no doubt we live in the end times now.

Your oracle,
Nostradamus

Dear Celebrities

2009-07-15T14:15:00.002-04:00

Please. Somebody else die so they will quit talking about Michael Jackson.

Your fan,
A person sick of Michael Jackson coverage

Dear Exercise Machine

2009-07-13T12:03:00.004-04:00

You want me to do what how many times?

Your friend,
Mr. Motivation

Dear Twitter Follower

2009-07-12T12:52:00.004-04:00

A New Direct Message.

Thanks for following me. Now that you have can I interest you in learning how to make money using Twitter. How about visiting my website where you can learn how to make $1500 a week at home? Wait, wait there's more......

By following me you will now learn how to lose 200 pounds in 200 hours. Ok, ok I can see that this is a hard sell. What if I offer you a free book on how to gain 1500 followers a day?

Trust me. I am very interested in following you and will no doubt read EVERY tweet you submit. It's not like I just use Twitter to sell something.

By the way, follow me on Facebook too and learn how you can use Facebook to make money.

Your Twitter Marketer, I mean friend,

SellUSomething122

Dear Inconsiderate Lady At The Parade

2009-07-04T12:23:00.003-04:00

That's ok. My kids didn't want any candy. After all, I'm sure that's why people hand candy out so that adults like you, who could use a few more minutes on the stairclimber, can get even more calories.

Now that I know that I need to play a little defense so my kids can get a chance next time I'll be sure to bring a chili cheese dog to distract you. After your fat ass chases the chili cheese dog about a couple of blocks there's no doubt that I will be able to get back to the family to enjoy the rest of the parade since you will have passed out by then.

Hey, by the way. Happy 4th! Thanks for the reminder that though our country is full of great Americans there are still dumbasses like you that provide a good contrast.

Yours In Christ,
Pastor Jim Dandy

Dear Sarah Palin

2009-07-03T19:41:00.003-04:00

I understand why you have to quit.

After all, the sitting governor of Alaska can't do Playboy.

Your friend,
Hugh Hefner

Dear Ron Artest

2009-07-03T11:42:00.001-04:00

Congratulations on going to the Lakers.

They were getting a little short on assholes anyway.

Sincerely,
A Pacers Fan

Dear Michael Jackson

2009-07-02T17:53:00.003-04:00

You're dead I get it. Now stop with the media coverage.

Sincerely,
John Q. Public

Dear God

2009-07-01T17:35:00.003-04:00

Surely, there must have been an easier way to get OxyClean. Though I suppose even God needs his own pitchman.

They say deaths come in threes. You must have wanted the fourth death for free. Billy would have wanted it that way.

Sincerely,
Fans of Billy Mays

P.S. - Billy will be greatly missed. Take good care of him.

Dear Gov. Sanford

2009-06-30T09:00:00.003-04:00

It's hot down in Argentina. Not as hot when you're down here, but hot nevertheless.

I miss being with you. I hope you venture down my Appalachian Trail soon.

Miss you,
Your trail guide

Dear Police Officer

2009-06-29T19:33:00.002-04:00

Thank the city for me. Those new bullshit detectors are awesome at getting rid of ex-husbands.

Sincerely,
An appreciative consumer of police services

Dear Optimus Prime

2009-06-26T09:00:00.001-04:00

Who do you think you are? Out of all the vehicles you could choose to transform into you transform into a truck and you're not even pulling any cargo? I think it's about time you transform into a nice hybrid SUV.

Don't you know you are a role model for goodness sake? What's the next thing? Will you start going to truck stops and making out with fuel pumps?

Respectfully,
The Campaign for Energy Concious Role Models

Dear Jackass

2009-06-25T09:14:00.002-04:00

You're giving donkeys a bad name.

Sincerely,
PETA