Life has a way of taking us from loud to quiet, doesn’t it?

I studied theology and music in college. (Somehow that started 21 years ago.) At the time, I didn’t yet have a lot of experiential knowledge of how either theology or music interacted with my real life. So when I chose hymn arrangements and classical compositions to work on, I chose the big, bombastic, hugely expressive styles. I loved the grandness of them, and how elated they made me feel. The same was true with my studies in theology. I loved what I was learning, the depth of it and the vastness of all there was to learn.

But after graduation, life hit. And it hit hard. As the early years of marriage and ministry slid by, I realized that something was happening in my soul. And the result was coming out in my fingers on the piano. I was leaving the crashing arrangements closed up in their books. And I was reaching for softer styles. More chord color. More depth of theory instead of a lot of noise and flair.

My music was reflecting the suffering I had been through. Still to this day I prefer the melancholy pieces with minor tones and depth of theory. Chopin would be so happy to know that he is one of my favorite composers. My own compositions of sacred arrangements have also changed, and reflect substance and whitespace more than surface and constant movement.

During this same season, my theology was sending strong roots down into my soul. My understanding of the Gospel was broadening, deepening, reaching the far corners of my life…and it was bearing fruit. More and more I was setting aside aesthetics and going for the heart in conversation, hospitality, parenting, and ministry endeavors as a pastor’s wife. I was learning that it was okay to be misunderstood, because God knows me. I was learning that steady faithfulness mattered, even if no one but God saw. I was learning that small, daily Gospel applications were life changing for myself and my children. I was learning that suffering has value.

And a certain verse was becoming precious as I tumbled it over and over in my heart:

“The words of wise men are heard in quiet more than the cry of him that rules among fools.” Ecclesiastes 9:17

This principle is so rich, and it just brims with God’s ironic, upside-down ways.

He silences the loud voice of the fool. He increases the volume (impact) of the quiet, wise person. I take comfort in knowing that my God values quietness- having a still heart before Him (Psalm 46:10), being a good listener (James 1:19), adorning with a meek and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4), cultivating the ability to hear His still, small voice (1 Kings 19:11-13), and letting Him quiet you with His love (Zephaniah 3:17).

During Christ’s ministry on earth, He went about doing good (Acts 10:38). He didn’t allow fanfare or pomp and circumstance everywhere He went. He found quiet corners and forgotten people and He worked. He changed hearts, healed bodies, lifted lives from the ash heap, reoriented people’s eyes to the cross and to eternity.

He also suffered silently. And that was part of His ministry, which He calls us to follow (1 Peter 2:21; Isaiah 53:7.)

Some of us struggle with quiet ministry. And others of us crave it. Still others feel forgotten in their small corners, and it’s not like they necessarily want the limelight- they just want to know that what they are doing matters.

I think that God hides us away sometimes and gives us a quiet, unseen ministry. We can also choose it by stepping back from social media or purposefully ministering under the radar. There are many ways to embrace quiet ministry.

Quiet ministry matters. How can you can be sure of it? Because Christ lived that way before us. He exemplified a holy humility that was content with quiet service and quiet suffering. He has made sure that His wise words (the Bible, the Gospel) has been heard in quiet by generations upon generations. His quiet ministry continues to be louder and more effective than the cry of the ring leader among fools.

Because Jesus walked the quiet way first, we can live in quiet ministry before God and know that our labor is not in vain and has eternal value (1 Corinthians 15:58). We don’t have to fear not being noticed or utilized to our full potential or feeling like we were either ahead of our time, or that we missed the boat.

Also, I’ve read the last chapter. And in the end, the quiet way wins. (It is also a narrow way with a small gate, leading to the One we love. Matthew 7:14)

Pastor Zach Eswine (author of Sensing Jesus) said, “I am already discovered. Jesus already knows me. I am already loved, already gifted, already known.” I have this quote written inside the opening page of my current journal.

Turns out I’m one of the ones who both struggles with and craves quiet ministry. Somehow I think I’m not alone…and that we all need the reminder that quiet ministry matters.

Maybe you do, too.

Take heart, my friend. Your quiet ministry speaks volumes, impacts many, and is heard and seen by the only One Who matters- your Jesus.

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

My life has given me much to meditate on lately, and that means it’s time for a new letter. After talking with a friend recently about discipleship in the church context, I started ruminating about John 10:11, where Jesus names Himself as the Good Shepherd. He goes a step farther and says that He gives His life for the sheep. He laid it down, sacrificed it for us. And He calls His pastors and wives to follow in His steps. Those are sometimes steps of suffering, for the good of the sheep we care for.

This suffering comes in many forms, which most pastors’ wives are familiar with. Those who serve with pure motives (not hirelings) know that laying down our lives is part of the calling. We answer midnight emergency phone calls, sit by bedsides of sick and dying, listen to criticism, sit through tough meetings, absorb false accusations, keep giving when we are empty, and a myriad other sacrifices both large and small.

But another aspect of laying down our lives is one that we do well to stop and ponder every so often. We not only live a life of sacrifice for our people in our actions and words. We also commit to a lifetime of patient discipleship, compassion, and of staying with our people for as long as we both shall live (and as long as God leaves us in that place.)

In short, we give our tenure to our people. We grow in understanding that sanctification, in both our lives and those of others, takes a lifetime. God spends people’s entire lifetime slowly and patiently shaping them to be like Him. We as pastors’ wives are tools in His hands, and responsible to also spend a lifetime loving our people.

My husband and I have never looked at our ministries as stepping stones to something else. Each church, even the first one where my husband was the youth pastor, was a permanent move in our minds. Unexpectedly, he went on to become the interim pastor and then the senior pastor; and I remember that he would state from time to time how much he hoped we would be there for 35 years. By that he meant he hoped we would spend our lives there. And he meant it. (Perhaps this is why God made it rather impossible for us to stay when He was moving us on. We had made a commitment and we planned to stick it out.)

Whether or not you serve the same people for 35 years or you spend 2 or 5 or 10 years and then move on by God’s leading…the point is that you continue laying down your life, your time- the hours and days and months and years- for your people. When you approach ministry with this mindset, you can relax and know that people’s growth doesn’t depend on you. Their journey is being guided by God, and you are there to support and teach and love and edify…as long as it takes.

We know that growth is incremental and we often only glimpse minute change in others. But that is also why we sometimes wonder if our labor is in vain, if what we are doing is worth it or accomplishing anything.

If only we could see with the eyes of faith. If only our definition of success matched God’s heart. If only we believed that our faithfulness over a lifetime matters greatly- both to God and to others. If only we could see the heavenly deposits we have piled up through our small but faithful ministry.

Sometimes I think that our faithfulness is what makes the greatest impact on others. They know you have always been there, are there now, and always will be there….patiently loving and encouraging and pointing them to Christ….

Laying down your life. Being available. Saying ‘yes’ to interruptions. Living like your time doesn’t belong to you, but to God. Resting in this lifetime work, knowing that God is the One doing the work in others and in us. (Sometimes it is more about what He is doing in us!)

It’s very human to want out of this “laying down your life” kind of life from time to time. But Christ’s example on the cross is our motivation which continually resurrects our desire and strength to go on loving and laying down our lives for others.

This is how the Gospel is reality in our everyday, enabling us to redeem our time.

This is why we can spend our lives in calm, slow, quiet, consistent discipleship of our immediate family and our church family, and know/believe that we’ve laid down our lives for the most worthy cause there is.

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

I read a concept recently which, after mulling it over from various angles, has enriched me enough to want to share. It is this:

Only a still body of water lends an accurate reflection.

Living in South Africa on an ocean-fed lagoon which rises and falls with the tides, I simply had to lift my eyes to our living room window to see the truth of reflection shining through stillness. On days when the wind is high and seas are rough, so is the lagoon that flows in between two ridges that could pass for small mountains. On days when the wind is low and seas are calm, the lagoon water sits in peace, looking more like a lake as it reflects the clouds above and the small mountains that form its borders.

One could say on clear days that the glassy reflection IS the actual picture itself.

So it is with life. In times of change and transition, trial and testing of faith, we often feel anything but stable by human specs. We long for those no-wind days when things feel manageable. Really it is more about control, if we are honest.

But a life of real faith in action (how my husband and I have chosen to live) involves astounding miracles, yes (we have just seen one!) but also the exercising of faith, which at the time feels anything but settled and miraculous. Faith is death- more on that later.

So through the ups and downs of life, how do we navigate these unsettled times? How do we achieve the stillness we need in order to accurately reflect internally?

Psalm 46:10 is a common Scripture to go to when we need to remember stillness. “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.” Actually the entirety of Psalm 46 has an “ebb and flow” sense to it, even a “tossing to and fro” in places. You can literally feel the unsettled nature of the heart as you read this Psalm. It ends with a plea to be still before God, the only way to truly know His sovereignty in our lives.

When our hearts are tossed and unsettled, let it be a notification bell that we are likely not finished processing, that we are not seeing things clearly- the way God sees them- yet.

Only in a still heart can we accurately view what we are experiencing currently or have experienced in the past.

This is why writers are encouraged to wait even years after an event before writing about it for the public eye. For example, after our crisis pregnancies when we were told that myself and our babies would not survive, I waited seven years to write our story into a book. Before that, my private journal held its tongue. The truth is, I could have waited even longer, and even now I think that I want to write our story again, eight years later still. It has taken time for the waters of that traumatic experience to settle (and truth be told, it is a lifetime process because it was so life altering).

Stillness is both a discipline and a process. There are times when we need to purposely still our hearts and cease the internal strivings of leaning on our own understanding and force our minds to think biblically. Sometimes this brings instant stillness- an alignment of sorts- and sometimes we must continue to respond biblically over and over while a trial of longer lasting works its sanctification in us. Sometimes both of these are going on at the same time.

It is important to recognize that when we are unsettled internally, we generally do not have an accurate reflection of our lives, our emotions, our relationships, our purpose, etc. That is why it is wise to refrain from hasty actions and words which are based on how one feels at the moment. Most often, even those reflections do not last because they weren’t the actual picture.

The actual picture- the accurate reflection- automatically comes with stillness.

How does this apply in ministry? Well, those among us with a strong sense of justice may feel inclined to set things right, to be the sovereign ones. There are certainly times that warrant that. But the wisdom of waiting, of letting things settle and letting God work, is the wisest course. I remember times in our early ministry when I wanted to act, and my husband said simply “let’s wait.” I cannot think of a single time when he said that, that it did not end up being prudent to wait. Wait until the waters settled and the reflection of the situation as a whole, was clearer.

Wait to speak, wait to write, wait to act, wait to make a judgement call, wait to move forward, wait to stop something, wait for/to ________________(you fill in the blank.)

Ah, so the being still part is actually waiting. Waiting on God, waiting for God. Not always what we want to hear, eh? Again, it takes faith, a death to self.

But it’s the only way to stillness. May we have the courage to crucify our worrying, hurrying, mulling nature, and submit to stillness. Only then will we gain an accurate perspective- the clearest reflection- of God, ourselves, others, ministry, and life in general.

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

Without further ado, here are the interesting reading facts, in the form of the questions I get most often:

What was your 2020 reading goal? I set a goal to read 50 books this year. While this was my goal for 2019 as well, I didn’t make it (due to an international move and the resulting upheaval and transition). So this year I re-adopted my goal of reading 50. (Side note: my reading goals do not include Bible reading, which is already part of my daily life.)

Did you reach your reading goal? Little did we all know what was in store for 2020, and the fact that we would have extra reading time during our strict lockdown months. So, in terms of goal reaching, this year was kind to me. I not only reached my goal, but surpassed it. I read FIFTY-FIVE (55) books! And what a rich reading year it was! I really think that every year is full of rich reading, probably because I’m so choosy about what I read.

What was your favorite read this year? Worst question ever- at least the hardest to answer! I simply cannot choose. Because I pray about what to read next, I see God’s hand in my reading life in very specific ways. So I can’t choose a favorite because each book is perfect for its time in my life. My books mark memorials along the way during the year. I can remember what was going on in my life based on what book I was reading, and vice versa. I typically don’t have books that I hate, because I don’t make myself finish books like that. I did have a few that weren’t my favorite, and you can see those details in my short reviews.

Where can I view your album? Here is the link to my 2020 reading album.

It’s a public album so you should have no trouble accessing it. Enjoy, and I hope you find some good reading material for 2021!

One final question- What is your reading goal for 2021? This year’s goal was hard to set, for a few reasons. Goals cannot keep increasing without limits, so I had to weigh what I think is actually possible to attain, while stretching myself a bit more each year. So I set my goal to read 65 books during 2021. Stay tuned, and watch my new album on Facebook for ideas throughout the year. Happy reading!

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

I’ve had this topic and the Scripture passage of 1 Corinthians 15 on my heart and in my studies for a couple of years, letting it marinate, as I often do, before I write. What I’m about to share has radically changed the way I live and minister, and I hope it will for some of you as well. I have no doubt that it is needed- even crucial- for pastors and wives in these unsettling days.

A New Beginning

Fifteen months ago, we landed in South Africa to begin a new phase of life and ministry. It was a late June evening when our feet touched the soil that was to be our home. Traveling finally finished, we settled into our AirBnB for a week while our new home was being readied. On our first morning here, a song I’d not heard before came across my vision somewhere on social media (I can’t even remember where.) It was this one:

I sat on the floor and listened to this song over and over, through tears. (It seems like quite a few defining moments in my life have happened on the floor, interestingly.) I knew God was giving me this song and these words at exactly the right time, knowing my needs, my past, and my desires for the future. I desperately needed a new beginning, a new way of ministering, a different path that perhaps didn’t follow pastoral or even missionary norms. This song is now a favorite of ours because it became a line in the sand between the old and the new.

The “Do Everything” Pastor’s Wife

My husband and I- we know burnout. We’ve been the “do everything” pastor and wife. We know the crazy cycle and the nuances of how hard it is to break out of that, especially in a smaller church where there isn’t much help. We know what it’s like to realize that your own schedule is slowly killing you, but to feel powerless to change it. We used to spend our long drives back home to Canada after vacation making lists of everything we were doing, trying to eliminate things to create some whitespace. It never lasted. Ministry was like a hungry beast that devoured everything and gave nothing back. Still we soldiered on, asking God to bless our work. The mercy of it is, He did. We saw Him at work. He met us where we were, answered prayer, blessed our efforts. But still something was missing. When we started our sabbatical after 10 impossibly difficult years, I wondered what it was all about, if that was all there was to ministry. Suffering aside, I knew I never wanted to repeat that busyness scenario again.

Though I didn’t realize it at the time, much of what we had been doing (all good and right and necessary) was done out of pastoral obligation. We worked, and we asked God to bless it. Nothing wrong with that, right? Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? In all our ways acknowledge Him?

I thought so, until I studied 1 Corinthians 15. During our sabbatical, I began to understand this passage in its context, not just for that encouraging last verse that we like to pull out and share. Then, at our commissioning service, our pastor chose this very text to preach from, giving us a challenge that dovetailed perfectly with what God was already doing in my heart. I was in awe. I hoped that God was preparing me for a different way of “doing ministry” going forward. I had, from our sabbatical onward, declared that I would never do ministry again the way we had done it before. But in truth, I didn’t know exactly what that would look like or how to put it into real life practically. I felt nervous about this. What if we got sucked back into the insanity of being busy and endlessly tired again? What if there wasn’t another way, and my desires for something different were just pipe dreams?

But when I heard the song “Your Labor Is Not In Vain” I knew that God was indeed showing me that there IS a different way. There IS a way to know that your labor is not in vain.

What The Different Way Looks Like

My husband and I both still feel a strong caution against repeating our pre-sabbatical way of life. Starting the first week here, this caution drove us to decide to pray daily, “God, what did You bring us here to do? Why are we here? What are you already doing here? Show us.” (We have done this without fail since we got here, and we continue to pray this regularly.) The two things we knew with certainty were that we would be a) helping to pastor a church plant here, and that b) we would be eventually re-opening our piano studio (we prayed about the timing of that, too.) Other than that- a blank slate.

We had many invitations in those early weeks and months- people in the community asking us to get on board with what they were doing. They were all good things, but we said no to most of them. We didn’t want to fill our schedule with a bunch of busy work when we still weren’t sure what God brought us here to do. We still believed that He had specific tasks and specific people to connect us with, if we would just wait for it to unfold. And we wanted to avoid backing out of things OR missing the things God had for us when the time came, because we were already too busy.

The different way looks like FAITH. It seems we accept the Gospel by faith but then we set about working like it all depends on us. Somewhere along the way, we stop actually living by faith without even realizing it.

You see, the entire passage of 1 Corinthians 15 is about the Gospel. It is in this context that the apostle Paul closes the chapter with verse 58- a strong, bold challenge to Christ’s servants to be steadfast, unmovable, abounding in Jesus’ work. All of this is possible, and we can know that our labor is not in vain because of the Gospel.

What is the Gospel? The finished work of Christ- His death, burial, and resurrection. It is the work that He is doing at every given moment in every place in the whole world (see Colossians 1:6- an amazing truth!)

So, if Jesus Christ is at work in every place to bear the fruit of the Gospel, then He is at work in my life, my family’s life, my church’s life, my town’s life, my state/province’s life, my country’s life.

This means that a servant of Christ should not have their own agenda, even their own ideas of service. We shouldn’t decide to do something (even if it fits our gifts and talents- because life has seasons) and then ask God to bless our efforts.

NO.

It’s the opposite.

We need to be asking God what He is ALREADY DOING. And we need to be asking Him how He wants us to be involved in what He is ALREADY DOING.

Then we WAIT for His leading.

THIS is the labor that is not in vain! It is the labor that is truly “in the Lord.”

If we operate any other way, we run the risk of working ourselves to death, and in vain.

I don’t like to think of how much of my former way of doing things produced labor that was in vain. I know that God was working in me where I was at, and that there is so much grace for maturity during the sanctification process. But I’m so glad that God has opened my eyes to the fact that there IS a different way. And it produces the easy yoke- the work that is still work (and often hard) but is a joy to do because I am simply coming alongside what God is already doing. In many ways, the work itself becomes its own reward when done this way.

The Cost of Choosing To Labor Not In Vain

I have a dear friend who I call my “faith friend” in Canada. We text a lot, mostly about faith and what God is doing in our lives. We recently had a passionate conversation about this very topic- how to know that your labor is not in vain. She’s living it, I’m living it. It’s an exhilarating, terrifying, challenging, exhausting, rewarding way of life- all rolled into one. It makes for a never-dull life and an always-full journal!

The truth is- and I say this sensitively- many people don’t want to live this way. It’s a life of dependence on God that requires pausing to wait for Him, often. People, even fellow believers, will misunderstand you- “Why aren’t you crazy busy, like us? There is so much to do, so many needs. Find a place yesterday, and serve!” Even our Bible colleges teach us this- go out there, and get busy! What if, instead of rushing to be busy, we went out and prayed, and waited? There’s no badge of honor for that like there is for being busy.

Living by faith in this area will require some unshaken resolve, and a confidence that God’s Word is true when He says that He will reward those who diligently seek Him. It’s ok to be misunderstood. Just go quietly on, sure of how God is leading you and focused on eternity instead of the here and now, or how things look to others.

In the end, you will be the healthier person as a whole. Not only that, but you will have the assurance that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. It’s much more than busywork- it’s reaping eternal rewards.

The Rewards of Choosing To Labor Not In Vain

So, here we are, fifteen months into our different way of life and ministry. Fifteen months after my “song on the floor” moment. I wish I had time and space to share all of the amazing answers to prayer, the evidences of God’s leading, the stories of connections with people, the surprises as we realized what God is doing and calling us to do, the specific ways He has showed us what He is doing and brought us alongside Him to work. He has flung open doors we couldn’t have even dreamed up for ourselves, and given us opportunities to serve Him that we couldn’t have arranged for ourselves if we tried.

I’ve tested this out since we got here and am seeing God move in ways I never have before. I’ve never “done ministry” like this before, but it’s changing me. This is the labor that’s not in vain. Not all the busy work that we do, while asking Him to bless it. No, the other way around. God, what are You already doing? Where are you working? How do you want me to fit into that? Then waiting for His movement.

You just can’t miss it when it comes, because it somehow fits exactly what you’ve been praying for, even though you didn’t know what you were praying for.

The irony is that God was working during lockdown when it seemed like things were at a standstill, and ministry was all online. Still we prayed, Show us. This is an ongoing process and prayer- a way of life. We are continually praying and waiting. God is continually leading and showing, lifting the curtain on what He is doing and how He wants us involved. It’s been a wild ride, but we are in awe and humbled that He even answers these prayers of ours and gives us work in His harvest.

You can labor like this, too, friend. You don’t have to live in burnout or fearing burnout. You can live and serve by faith, saying “yes” and “no” with confidence because you know exactly what God wants you to do, and not do. “Living by faith” is not just a Christianese quip that gets us through life. It is REAL, it is tangible, it is lived out day by day, and it only cares about pleasing Christ.

This culmination of 1 Corinthians 15 in such a powerful, encouraging verse as verse 58 is not meant to snatched out of context and used without the Gospel connection. No, the strength to labor steadfastly, unmoving, always abounding is only and always because of the power of the Gospel.

Let the Gospel be the context of your daily motivation, your hope, your joy, your prayer. Watch how it changes your work, your ministry, your life. Even the time spent in prayer and in waiting- will not be in vain.

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

P.S. Are you in need of a safe place to share and find support in your journey as a pastor’s wife? Join our private online community- it’s a Christ-focused, deeply compassionate, prayerful gathering of pastors’ wives from all over the world. Click here to join: https://www.facebook.com/groups/HopeForPastorsWivesCommunity

I’m a delayed processor who does a lot of internal work before I ever say anything out loud or public. And, to be honest, a lot of the time my musings never make it to my keyboard. But this story is one that needs to be shared and talked about, not for exploitation, but for the good of the human experience and for getting to the heart of life. (Please stick with me here.)

Why has Marilane’s story captured so many of us?

Pastors’ wives find themselves in her life.

Moms (especially postpartum and moms of littles) find themselves in her life.

Wives find themselves in her life.

Daughters and siblings find themselves in her life.

Friends and family of those who have taken their lives find themselves in her life.

Mental health sufferers and suicide survivors find themselves in her life.

Religious converts find themselves in her life.

It is precisely these human experiences that cause us to relate so keenly with the detail of the story.

But herein also lies a danger. We can so characterize ourselves to her story, that we think we have it figured out- at least- the aspect that most resounds with our own struggle or experience or role.

I’ve seen some posts floating around that take on only the pastor’s wife angle, as if that is what caused Marilane to leave her life. Something hasn’t set right with me when I read these posts. I’ve also seen posts that only take the angle of a mental health sufferer. Something hasn’t set well with me when I read those posts, either.

Did being a pastor’s wife play into her struggle and eventual decision? Very likely. But being a pastor’s wife (and all that comes with that role) is not the cause of Marilane’s suicide. The same could be said for the role of “mom” and “wife” and every other part of who Marilane was. Marilane was a whole, multi-faceted, complex person with many aspects to her life. We do her a huge disservice to assume that we know which straw broke the camel’s back.

I joined several groups online during the two week search for Marilane. I was a silent observer in all of them. And I was grieved at the lack of human decency that erupts when mystery enters the picture.

It’s like we have to know. We have to be omniscient.

It’s like we have to be the first to know, to peg the situation as we see it. We have to be omnipotent.

It’s like we have to read every post, weigh every comment, analyze every angle. We have to be omnipresent.

We have to be like God, or be God- I think it’s the latter, sadly. What on God’s green earth have we allowed social media to do to us? Turn us into arrogant conspiracy theorists, thinking we know it all?

God’s Word says that our hearts are so desperately wicked, that we can’t even know the depths (Jeremiah 17:9). There is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart- it’s the Word of God, through the leading of the Holy Spirit (Hebrews 4:12; Psalm 139:23-24). If we believe everything we think, we will go down a path that leads to destruction (Proverbs 16:25).

Instead, we must ask “What does God say? What matter of the heart is at stake here?” Because everything goes back to the heart. (Please don’t hear me as saying that all mental illness is sin. Our minds and bodies are inexplicably linked, so that every situation is much more complicated than that. Could there be a spiritual/emotional need that needs attention? Of course. Could there be a physical/hormonal problem that needs attention? Of course. Could it be both? Most likely.)

I will be the first to say- even with my theology degree and counseling training- that I don’t have all the answers. In fact, the more I study and prepare, and the closer I get to being a certified counselor, the more aware I am of how much I don’t know, how desperately I need God’s wisdom, and of how serious is the responsibility of guiding people’s hearts and lives.

We must allow the relatable human experience make us compassionate. We must open hard conversations. We must deconstruct stigmas that prevent these hard conversations within the family, the church, and the community. We must be committed to getting to the heart of issues of life. We must accept that we cannot, do not, and will not ever have all the answers. Jesus didn’t promise answers to everything. He promised His presence, His guiding Word, and His Holy Spirit. We must be continually look at life through the lens of the Word of God- not our own experience- when needing wisdom to understand situations.

There was a time, shortly after I started this ministry for pastors’ wives, when I rallied the troops, calling for systemic church change. I felt that if church members understood the plight of pastoral families, we might be able to see change that would impact the health and tenure of those pastoral families, creating a healthier church as a whole through a trickle down effect.

I still think that that type of change is needed and would be amazing to see happen. But I don’t believe it will happen on a large scale. Several reasons why- The church will never fully look like Jesus until His return. Jesus said plainly that He was leaving us an example of suffering. The servant is not greater than His master, so if our Good Shepherd suffered while shepherding us, who are we to expect that we will not suffer while shepherding others?

If you’re thinking that what I just said sounds a bit insensitive, let me assure you that I have lived through things in pastoral ministry that some would not believe if I shared the details. I’m no stranger to the brutality and trauma that is part of being a pastor’s wife. My stories could fill a book, and it is through those experiences that I heard God’s calling to start this ministry almost 10 years ago, so that other pastors’ wives could be encouraged on this road. I wanted to be the help and encouragement that wasn’t available when I needed it.

I have realized along the way that no matter who or where suffering in life comes from, it is my heart that responds, and in a way, determines my future. God is the One who ordains my path, and He is the healer of my heart. I respond to Him. It’s not that simple, but it is.

This is why my writing changed some years back, and I turned my focus to helping the hearts of pastors’ wives to respond and become more like Jesus, instead of trying to get churches to change. This is also why I say….it’s not the fact that Marilane was a pastor’s wife, or a mom, or a wife, or a daughter, or a mental health sufferer, or a ________________(fill in the blank with whatever role you resonate with) that drove her to suicide.

It’s much deeper and more complicated than that. And we should be fine with not knowing, and set to work tending our own hearts, and then the hearts of those around us.

Paul Tripp said in his always very timely devotional New Morning Mercies, “We need help to face the often overwhelming call to relationships, following God’s high standards and not giving way to the desire to run.”

And the apostle Paul said in Romans 13:8, “Owe no man anything, except to love one another.”

What do we owe to Marilane, to her family & friends, to the hearts of those around us? Nothing but love, for in this (as Paul goes on to say) the entire law is fulfilled. That law was fulfilled in Christ, who gives us that resurrection power that we desperately need in order to “not give way to the desire to run” (we’ve ALL been there- it’s part of the human experience) and to love one another as He has loved us (John 15:12).

It’s a high calling, higher than any role we can identify with in any part of the human experience. Will you take this role?

The fine print: This role comes with a high price.

Are you willing to pay it?

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

It’s not that pastors’ wives aren’t acquainted with theology, per se. A lot of us have degrees from Bible college or seminary (but it’s totally okay if you don’t.) And we are surrounded by the Bible and hopefully good teaching and preaching on a regular basis. But if this is so, why do so many pastors’ wives lack confidence in expressing and articulating theology? Why do we leave it to our husbands to handle the theology? Why do some doctrines seem so fuzzy still, or a non-issue in our daily life?

Writing these theology exams has caused me to stop and think about what a wonderful exercise this has been for me. But- even before I started these exams, I read about doctrine often in the books I choose. I sit under the best preaching there is (I may be biased about my pastor, but he’s my favorite person!) Still, digging and searching and comparing and rooting my beliefs even more deeply has done spiritual good for me in a way that reading books and listening to sermons can’t do. Here are a few reasons why I think every pastor’s wife should study theology:

1. Bible college/Seminary was a long time ago

In my case, my theology degree was earned 15 years in the past. For many of you, the length of time between college and now is even longer. Some didn’t go to college, and many didn’t study for ministry or get a Bible degree. Some got saved later in life, and/or were called to ministry later in life. You married an electrician and now you’re a pastor’s wife. (Wait, how did that happen?) Whatever your situation is, now is a good time to refresh your theology.

While in college, I worked my way through the entire Bible and studied doctrine. But the study I did 15 years ago is not enough for now and the rest of my life. I’m not saying that Scripture isn’t sufficient; I’m saying that stuff gets fuzzy and we lose our ability to articulate what we don’t keep fresh. Before we moved overseas, I parted with my box of files of college notes. I thought that someday I would review them, but I finally faced the truth that I never would. If I studied that stuff again, it would have to be fresh. So here I am, studying fresh. And I’ve been able to solidify my position on a few things that I didn’t fully understand before. All this to say, unless you are currently enrolled in seminary, you likely have some fuzzy stuff too. You don’t have to tackle all the doctrines at once like I am doing (I don’t have a choice). You can pick one and study it out, then move along. You might be surprised what you will learn and understand in a fresh way.

2. You need to be able to articulate what you believe for the purpose of evangelism

I like to go to a local coffee shop some days to study and write. At a corner table, with my computer, a stack of theology books and Bible, and my favorite hot drink (a red cappucino), I at first felt fairly incognito. But perhaps a woman with books and a computer is a rare sighting, because almost every time I go, someone asks me what I am doing. When I tell them, they want to know more. A few people have point blank asked me, “What do you believe?” Others have had specific questions about specific areas of spiritual life that they are curious about. Because of what I am studying, I have had boldness to share what I believe about Jesus, salvation, what it means to be a true follower of Jesus, and more. When someone asks you “What do you believe?” you better be ready to tell them! And what a joy it is to be able to speak up with confidence and the authority of Scripture…and readiness! 1 Peter 3:15

3. You are a counselor to someone

You don’t need to be a certified counselor. It is nice to have, and worth working for- it shows you have studied and done the preparation work and have been given a stamp of approval from others that you are qualified to handle the Word of God properly and use it to help others. But every single one of us should be biblically literate enough to counsel. Counseling comes in many forms- parenting, mentoring, discipling, etc. Any time you pour into another person with Scriptural advice, you are counseling. Wouldn’t it behoove us, then, to be sure that we are rightly handling the Word of God (2 Timothy 2:15), and that we know what God’s Word says? Aside from remedial counseling (which is a natural part of pastoral ministry), we are often called upon to do impromptu counseling. I have been asked to do this via video chat a couple of times recently. It’s natural to scan your brain quickly, wondering what to say, especially if you have only a few hours (or less) to prepare. But if we are grounded in the Word, and depending on the Holy Spirit for guidance, we do not need to panic.

Knowing that many pastors’ wives are not in the Word daily, I think it is also true that those same pastors’ wives have a general, fuzzy understanding of theology and doctrine and the Gospel. This limited time in and knowledge of the Word prevents them from knowing it solidly enough to pass it along to others in a counseling role. They prefer to pass people along to someone else when people need spiritual soul care. To be sure, there are times when we must pass people along to others more qualified than we. I do this on a regular basis within my ministry to pastors’ wives, especially when there are topics that I have not studied out. But in this particular blog post I am referring to theology and Bible doctrines, not specialty areas per se. Every one of us can and should be trained in the Word, enough so that we are grounded in truth ourselves, and can confidently pass it along to others. You are a counselor to someone, (even if only to your children -the most important people of all!) And if that thought terrifies you, you have some studying to do.

4. Theological conversations are for everyone

My husband and I thoroughly enjoy hashing out theology, and we have since before we got married. Maybe we are nerds, but in truth, we really just want to stay sharp and able to help ourselves and others spiritually. Because of the intensity of what God has led us through, we’ve never had the luxury of settling into a mediocre life or ministry. We are generally both reading or studying something that is interesting, inspiring, controversial, or a gray area that we want to understand better. We both love to learn. It is so good for us to discuss these things, comparing Scripture and weighing the Words of God, even tackling nuances to define what we believe. We both also have people in our lives with whom we talk theology and the Bible and what God is doing in our lives. These types of discussions are not for the purpose of division or straining at things that don’t matter. Rather, these discussions allow us to test out what we are studying and to consider various angles of approaching a topic, various Scriptures that weigh in on a subject. These conversations also allow us to humbly differ with others who may not land in exactly the same place that we do.

I so appreciate the friends in my life who go deeper than just surface talk in conversation, and who welcome deep engagement in theology and Scripture, embrace the topics that don’t have simple conclusions or easy answers, and who will hover with me (and I with them) in the unsure places, when we play devil’s advocate and ask “out of the box” questions that bring us closer to truth. Don’t settle for staying in your padded room of theology that you learned years ago but have never refreshed or studied in depth…or tested by faith. Climb out of your box, find a friend to engage with and bounce things off of while you study, and learn not to fear conversations that challenge your intellect (or that challenge what you’ve always heard in your circles.) P.S. I am NOT talking about doubting Scripture or deconstructing our faith. I am talking about searching Scripture and asking ourselves critical questions to make sure we are thinking biblically, and not allowing ourselves to be spoon fed everything we believe, or just automatically still believing everything we were taught earlier in life, without ever having studied it out.

5. Your own heart needs theological depth in order to thrive

Last but not least, you need to study theology for your own heart. Actually, it is for your own heart first before it is for anyone else. Something that I have noticed lately during my times of studying for these exams is that my heart is being reawakened in certain areas/topics. I think it’s so easy to get lulled into rhythms of thinking we are already biblical, and we get used to what we believe. In re-earthing truths about substitutionary atonement recently, I found myself ready to rise from my seat in the coffee shop and explain it to everyone around me. There is so much hope, so much joy in this doctrine! I knew it was there, of course. I studied it years ago in college, and have heard it preached many times since then. But I took a morning to seep my heart in it, looking up Scripture after Scripture, and I emerged with a renewed passion for what Christ did for me. Those truths were immediately applicable to the counseling setting, to people carrying heavy burdens of guilt and shame. But they were first applicable and heart renewing for me.

Studying theology will deepen your joy in the Word of God, and will overwhelm you with love for Jesus because of what He has done for you. If the idea of studying theology is dry and boring to you, you don’t have the right study tools and books. Or perhaps you aren’t even in the Word- the ultimate study tool. And it’s more than a study tool- it’s a living book where you behold Jesus Christ, and are changed by the study and application of who He is.

Let’s not ever settle for letting others study theology for us. Knowing who God is and what His Word says and means is where we begin to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Happy studying!

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

I remember the first time my husband and I were called to sit with the family of one who had passed away just hours before. Sitting beside and pulling them in tight with a hug felt natural. But I didn’t expect the awkward pauses as we fished for something, anything to say that would ease their cavernous loss just a tiny bit. I didn’t expect to have their tears on my face, their used tissues in my lap. (Do I throw them away or give them back?)

I remember being appalled at how difficult it was to make small talk with people before the service started. This was before I understood that I was an introvert. Some years later, I remember being appalled that understanding my personality better didn’t help me make small talk with people. Going deep feels natural. Talking about Jesus- it brings me to life. But coming up with sensical surface conversation while greeting people before the service? Still so awkward- even after all these years of being a pastor’s wife. (Isn’t making small talk a form of torture?)

I remember the first time we were called to help a family in trouble, then a marriage in trouble. They were all older than us. So many awkward pauses, tense family moments that caught us in the middle, situations that left us wondering why God called us into ministry if we flailed about so much. (Couldn’t He find anyone else better equipped?)

I remember the first time I did public speaking for a ladies event at my church. I wasn’t prepared for how unnatural it felt to me. At the time, I hadn’t yet discovered the joy of writing. I was just finding out that speaking just about killed me. Too many awkward pauses. I hoped desperately that the listeners gleaned something in spite of my distracting, awkward self. (Why did I even agree to this?!)

Even as I type, so many awkward moments and memories come flooding back- awkward conversations, awkward requests, awkward phone calls, awkward situations to navigate, awkward social gatherings, many times out of my comfort zone.

Awkward, why won’t you go away?!

Probably five years into being a pastor’s wife, my brain wrapped itself around this reality of awkwardness. Okay, ministry is awkward. It just is. Oh dear. Now what? I don’t like how this feels!

I had spent a few years equating my personal awkwardness with the Holy Spirit’s caution in my soul. It felt awkward? I must have done something wrong. It still feels awkward? I must just not be good at this (yet.) I tried it and the awkward never went away? It means I’m not called to that area of ministry. God isn’t asking me to do this.

Oh, but imagine my horror as I realized that it was sometimes just the opposite. God was teaching me so much about grace. God was calling me to do these awkward things where hearts meet and meaningful ministry happens. The awkward moments are where the grace is so needed. And they are where the grace abounds. If I stopped serving at the onset of awkward feelings, I would miss the grace! Talk about horror!

“And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.”

2 Corinthians 9:8

Just like I remember the first time I felt the awkward, I also remember the first time I pushed through the awkward and prayed anyway, attempted conversation anyway. Imagine my surprise to find joy on the other side! Fellowship in Christ. Friendship. Seeing God work and answer prayer. Perfection? Nope! (Still awkward me here) But sweet unexpected grace, and enabling to do God’s will.

Ah, so that’s the key. I must stop trying to avoid it. Instead embrace it, lean into it, do it anyway. Stick around to see what is on the other side.

This may seem like a “no brainer” or simplistic topic to actually put words to or take the time to write about, but I think it’s important. It’s important to normalize the awkwardness that we all feel from time to time as pastors’ wives in ministry. It’s not you, per se. It’s just the nature of working with people, of shepherding humanity. It’s the nature of being human and interacting so intimately with fellow humans. The bodily closeness and sensations that are there during bereavement, the wracking of the brain for words in a situation that has taken your breath away for a second, the anxiety of not knowing what this meeting or that visit will actually be about, how it will end, or where it will lead, what you will say or do. There is humanity in all of these places, and it is awkward.

There is also always grace in these places, and it is waiting to be discovered. I am sure that we could all tell our stories of grace with clear memory, and then if we think back a bit, we will remember the awkward moments just before the moments of glory, or the moments of grief and pain.

Thank goodness it wasn’t my words that needed to bring comfort to the women I’ve prayed with.

Thank goodness it hasn’t depended on us to say the perfect words that would comfort and heal the hearts of our grieving church members.

Thank goodness it didn’t ever hinge on us to mend marriages, to put families back together, by what we said or did.

Thank goodness it doesn’t depend on me to say the perfect greeting to people that will make them want to stay for the service…and come back again next week.

Thank God it ALL depends on HIM!

If you are a new pastor’s wife, learn and accept early the fact that feeling awkward in ministry is normal. Embrace it, look for the grace. Ask God for grace to push through awkward situations and your own personal feelings. You will be delighted here, grieved there- but always graced.

If you are a seasoned pastor’s wife, you know this awkwardness is true, regardless of personality even. Maybe you are weary of the awkward, even surprised that after this many years it could still be this awkward in certain situations. But dear soul, take heart. There is still so much grace waiting for you in these moments. And there is so much for you to teach others along the way.

Let us be sisters who normalize the struggles and surprises of ministry so that the joys are more easily exposed and realized together.

So, welcome, awkward. We’re not afraid of you. We know that you are just the door to grace!

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

Here are six things that changed my life in 2019. They are not in any particular order.

1. I prayed through the book of Psalms 12 times (once per month) using this simple method. I don’t think I will ever be able to adequately express how the discipline of doing this daily has changed me. It opened my eyes to amazing patterns in the book of Psalms, challenged me to pray for things I had not given much consistent consideration before (like the persecuted church), and gave me a deeper love for praying Scripture that feels almost addicting. My goal this year is to pray through the entire New Testament. There are 260 chapters in the NT, and guess what? There are 260 weekdays in the year! One chapter per day is my goal, which is actually less than my 5 chapters per day in the Psalms. BUT I will cover more ground in the Bible in the course of the year. I am three chapters into the Gospel of Matthew and already jotting down and praying through things I’ve never considered before. There is something about turning Scripture into prayer that changes everything.
2. We moved overseas. I can’t possibly write down all that has changed and how and why, but suffice it to say that our entire lives have changed. Having navigated culture shock twice before in two other countries, we know how living internationally changes us over time. I am already aware of this in myself, and we are only 6 months in to living on a new continent. Culture adjustment is such a hard but healthy agent of change- it gradually expands our worldview over time. Taking the longview, we couldn’t be happier to be raising our children this way, and to be experiencing it ourselves. It’s not perfect by any stretch, but it’s good for us and the hard days shape us more than we realize. I am grateful to have a two ended perspective living here, which I did not have in our previous country. So as changed as I already am, I know I will “emerge” an even more changed person this time next year. Stay tuned.
3. I read 32 books. I expounded more on this in my “What I Read” post, but I wanted to mention it here as well because the books I read in the run of a year are some of the biggest agents of change in my life. Aside from the Bible changing me, I see God changing me through the books I read. He leads me in my reading choices, impresses on me the timing of reading certain books, and holds me back from reading others. Some I have started and not finished until years later, when I realize that I couldn’t have read it any sooner and gleaned from it what I did. That book was meant for that specific time, and no other. I don’t mean to make this sound weird- it’s not. I just believe that God is interested and involved in my reading life in a very personal way. Each time I finish a book, I pray about my next book, asking God, “What should I read next?” I challenge you to make prayer a part of your reading life and see how it shapes what you read. Then notice how what you read shapes and changes you. It’s really quite amazing. This is why I call books “friends” because my interactions with them leave me different, hopefully always in a good way.
4. I started taking classical guitar lessons. If you’ve been reading this blog for a few years, you know that I love to learn. I intentionally choose at least 1 new skill to learn or improve on each year. While on deputation, my husband was gifted a very nice left handed guitar. And our son received a guitar for his birthday. While we are fairly eclectic with the instruments we play, guitar had never been in our sights. But we are responsible for our gifts, so when we got here I decided to look for a teacher. Two teachers never replied to my inquiries, and I landed a spot with a guitarist who is a South African legend. I didn’t even know who he was when I signed up…and then we discovered that in his tours around the world, he has played in the very towns where we lived in Canada. But we didn’t meet until God brought us here. The stories God weaves are unique. Now when I sit down to practice and strum songs, I realize that my music world has gotten a bid broader and wider, and I’m paying attention to an instrument and a learning process that I never have before.
5. I stopped homeschooling. After nine years of homeschooling, we put our children into public school in our new location overseas. I knew it would be a drastic change for both of them, but I didn’t anticipate how big of a change it would be for me. To be honest, I never felt totally equipped or confident while homeschooling. I have trained to teach piano and theory, not math and history. That said, we utilized many tools and helps to make sure our children were getting a solid learning experience. (It paid off, too, when we realized that they were ahead of students here in some subjects.) Anyway, I had gotten very used to having them home all the time, and I loved it. Our children adjusted well over all, with some bumps along the way. What surprised me was how difficult it was for me to adjust to them not being home all day anymore. I have enjoyed the break from having the full responsibility of teaching them, but I miss them. They have been home for a lengthy break this summer/Christmas, which will end up being 7 weeks, and I’ve truly enjoyed it. But it’s about to change again…and so I will adjust again. All that to say….not homeschooling has changed my routine and life in a big way.
6. I kept a bullet journal. I had heard friends of mine talk about keeping a bullet journal, and how amazing it was, etc. I watched from afar for a few years and then decided to give it a try in January 2019. I bought myself a knock off moleskin, lined journal. And I basically made it my “brain dump” book. Using colored pens, I filled it (halfway, so I can keep using it) with packing and moving lists, shopping lists for our big move, details about the history and care of my grand piano, book lists, Scripture memorization lists, guitar lesson notes, titles of music pieces I want to play on the piano, funny things my children said, quotes I wanted to remember, phrases I wanted to hand letter, church planting ideas, counseling certification reading requirement list, song choices for our concerts, life hacks, goals big and small, piano teaching notes, blog post ideas, financial details, and so much more. I listed all that to give you an idea of how to use a bullet journal. It’s a place where you can take something out of your brain and have a book remember it for you. I don’t know about you, but that is a win in my book…literally. It took losing years worth of notes on my iphone during an accidental delete to show me that I needed to interact more with paper and pen, and less with technology. I am hooked on using a bullet journal. It’s never far from me at any given time, and it relieves a great deal of stress. In a thousand tiny ways (and words), it has changed my life.

There were, of course, many more than six things about 2019 that changed me. God is the ultimate change maker, and His ways of sanctification are infinite and creative. I’ve listed just six to hopefully encourage you to do things that stretch you in ways that make it easy to look back and see how you’ve changed. Sometimes we look for the big things, when it’s little things that create the most change in the long run. What little thing can you change today that will in turn change you?

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit

So, without further ado, here are the answers to the burning questions I get most often:

How many books did you read this year? I read 32 books this year (about 7,472 pages.) This doesn’t include Bible reading, Bible study books, or books I read to my children or other people’s children. This also does not include books I have started but not finished due to heavy content or lack of interest/difficult reading style. I had a few of those this year. The “lack of interest” ones I will likely not finish. The heavy ones (I started one about the effects and healing of trauma) I will finish eventually, but I tend to take those in rhythms of reading and rest.

What was your literary goal this year? My goal was to read 50 books, 10 more than last year. Last year I read 40 books, which exceeded my original goal. This year I upped my goal by 10 books…but in the frenzy of goal making I forgot that we were moving overseas in June. This meant that most of my books were packed up by April, and we didn’t see them on this side of the ocean until early August. Now, to be fair to the goal, I did have my Kindle with me. So I suppose I blame my summer “lack of reading muddle” on culture shock and the extreme exhaustion that comes with that! Anyway, at some point in the year, I decided to follow Jon Acuff’s advice to cut your goal in half. So I cut my goal to 25. And ended up exceeding my half goal, finishing the year at 32. I’m calling it a pretty good year considering all of the transition we have navigated.

What was your favorite book of the year? Well, if you’ve been following my reading journeys for awhile, you know me. I simply cannot choose. I suppose I need categories such as “utterly fascinating” and “mind blowing” and “sobering” and “life changing” and “just okay” and “everyone must read,” etc. I just can’t choose, and that is partly because I see God actively using certain books in my life at certain times during the year. I firmly believe that He guides my reading- the “coincidences” are far too many to believe otherwise. So, take some time to read through my reviews and you will likely absorb a feel for which ones rose to the top of my list.

What is your reading goal for 2020? In terms of a number goal, I’d like to read 50 books. In terms of what I read, I am gleaning ideas (thank you Modern Mrs. Darcy) of how to expand my typical reading genres. I naturally gravitate towards spiritual/life enrichment, biography (mostly missionary, but some historical), and jaw dropping historical events. This year I would like to add in more theology, poetry, and (gasp) maybe even a fiction. Reading fiction would be a BIG step for me- I’ve just never (in my adult life) found a book that holds my attention. What can I say, I am a realist. But you are welcome to entice me with your fiction favorites.

You know, being an introvert and a book lover at the same time are two such delightful things about life. I like to say “Jesus knows me, this I love” and it’s true for many reasons. But this year, in this place, at this time- God has loved me in a little big way by giving me a home that has a spare room with one wall that is floor to ceiling book shelves.

So I finally have a library in my home- something that’s been a dream of mine for a long time. It’s a cozy little room with two recliners, blankets, candles, a dollhouse, board games, books everywhere, inspiring pictures and quotes, and one wall that is window- which overlooks our entire town, the local lagoon, and the Indian ocean beyond. It’s truly a happy place.

Well, as promised, here’s the link to 2019’s “My Year In Books.” <—- Click on that. (You can also just go to my profile- the album is public and currently featured on my page.) Enjoy!

And here are 10 Tips To Help You Read More Books This Year. You- especially you– can do it! The rewards will be many, I promise.

XOXO,

A Kindred Spirit