Life's twists and turns

Belated Birthday Resolutions 2025

2025-12-29T11:10:00-07:00

Why?
Gut check
2025 in review
What now?
Final reflection

Why?

Why reflect and set resolutions? To look forward to something. To have an aim. It's really not about plans and details, because those can change drastically through the year. It's more about having a compass to guide me towards where I want to be headed.

This year I'm picking a theme and integrating that into the 4 dimensions: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual.

Past: 2025, 2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.

Gut check

The last 2 months of 2025 have been a whirlwind of emotions: beautiful peace, joy, worship, followed by heavy sadness, tears and struggles.

I reflected and wrote so much over the last 5 weeks, I'm still exhausted. I'm writing this starting on the Monday mid-holiday, between Christmas and New Year's, after 2-ish days off of rest.

A lot of this year I've had little motivation to push harder in work, due to people problems: it's difficult managing people, difficult being a leader and not making mistakes. I had to work through a lot of self-doubt and question my moral compass and my perspective: did I do wrong? Am I a bad person? Overly analyzing the same things and going around in circles... it's an unfortunate signature of my brain's inner workings and INTJ tendencies.

And then personally, some of the same tendencies to overthink, broken trust and hurt someone, and feeling the weight of aging parents to support. I take on external pains so fully that they become heavier than my own, somehow paralyzing me in days of self-punishment.

Instead, over the last month or so, I've been gradually leaning into faith and trust in God to help me move forward. Realizing that my own understanding is so limited, my own perspective as well, and there's really little to nothing I can do about many things. I can't control how people age, how they act towards each other, if and when they forgive me. For any relationship to be repaired, it takes two.

One notable change from 2024: while I still have a strong urge to solve problems ASAP, I have spent so much less time chasing. Instead I would step away and go towards something I enjoy, such as swimming, kiteboarding, spending time in nature. I didn't feel the pressure of time nearly as much, and the constant review and revisit the idea that there is time, just enough time, has helped.

The compassion theme for 2025 served me well, although I didn't always live up to it.

Sidenote: This year I'm dictating most of the post using Whispering, which does a better job of transcribing with punctuation.

2025 in review

It's interesting to note the similarities between 2024 and this year. Although this year didn't start out quite as stressful. There was still a stressful event in the business within the first quarter. By April I started going to church.

In the middle of March I already went out to kite at Aurora once and by middle of April to Wyoming as well, stepping away from work gradually after delivering a project at the end of May.

I really made the most of summer with camping, hanging out with friends, enjoying the water, enjoying swimming. I also started a physical recovery program for my shoulder and neck. I'm still doing this program and I've seen great results in mobility and strength already. I've been really diligent about doing my stretches every day and staying strong.

Heading into fall. I was making the most of wind season and grateful that the business was getting just enough work to keep going. Finally come November, I was away for three weeks in Mexico by myself. This was the time of inner exploration and some of the big changes with my partner and my parents. I'm still reckoning with all of these major life events happening at once.

The year ended with a nice holiday and lots of emotions. There has been so much to process this year, and I really feel like I'm entering midlife, and I'm no longer a child with no responsibilities or a young adult. It's so much the process that I will hand it over to God because I don't have the strength by myself to make sense of it all and understand what it will all be adding up to. I spent so much time introspecting and analyzing and asking why and resisting it. So I'm not as stressed mentally by work, which is really great: I'm grateful that part of my life is not demanding my full attention right now. But my personal life is and I feel emotional and full of energy and like I'm always walking around five minutes away from crying.

For 2025, my goals were:

Physical: Steady and Balanced
Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness
Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership
Spiritual: Fly and Play

Physical: Move, Play, Give Myself Time

Grade: A+

Affirmation:

My body wants to heal and feel better. It wants to play and enjoy moving.

Physically I'm in a really good place from a year ago.

My weight and waist are the lowest in 3+ years. My waist is actually the lowest it's been since I started measuring 3+ years ago. I did lose some muscle mass, as it would be hard not to when losing nearly 15lbs, but I feel strong.

I've also been the most active this year compared to past years: 2 trips to Mexico, the most kite days in Colorado+Wyoming, all in all maybe 40 days on the water.

I've kept up with swimming, and swam about 2x/week consistently, occasionally more, 1km in 26-30 minutes. I swam in Mexico too, sometimes 2x a day, and loved seeing all the fish and being in that warm, clear water. Swimming has gotten so much easier than when I started in September of last year!

Plus, since May I've been doing daily stretches for 30+ minutes, and for the last 3-4 months of the year I'm also doing 3 days of strengthening my shoulders and core. Between all that, I've had less pain, less cramping and much better mobility when doing exercises.

A big theme of this year was to improve and reduce the pain in my shoulder and keep it strong.I managed to do that to a large extent and I would say eighty percent of the way there. There's some soreness in my forearm and occasionally, when I work long days or exercise too hard, my shoulder does act up and it goes into my elbow or my forearm. But I have a much better understanding of it now. I can't really dock any points off myself for it not healing completely since I did everything very well. And I prioritized my well being. I allowed myself to enjoy many days of being physically active. And I'm in this place where I feel fit and strong and eager to keep moving. And that's really amazing for being 38.

Well:

Increased mobility in my left shoulder, a better understanding of the pain triggers.
Stronger arms, shoulder rotators. The last 4 months I've been doing strengthening exercises and have been able to increase the strength and time spent holding certain postures. There's a clear sense of progress.
I got a treadmill in the middle of the year and started using it to walk at my desk. Usually thirty minutes, sometimes twice a day. So I spent more time moving and minding my posture.
I've been doing daily stretches strengthening three times a week.
I swam twice a week most weeks of the year and after getting back from Mexico I felt such motivation that I've been swimming four times a week. Feels amazing. Swimming has gotten so much easier that I routinely swim 1km and it's only taking me 26-28min. My heartbeat is also consistently lower. And I could really notice this at sea level when I got into swimming in the sea. And I could just keep going and going and going and my breath was not running out. If anything, it was my arms that would get tired. So rewarding! I'm really proud of how much progress I've made.
Enjoyed doing some Pilates and weightlifting. I was working out until about the middle of the year when I started doing the physical recovery. And after about a seven month break, I'm now eager to get back into working out.
My waist is the slimmest it's been in 3+ years (with a half inch lost in the last 2 months), and weight lowest in 3.5 years, even 4+ years (I weighed 5lb less mid-2021, when I started measuring).
Bonus from the daily leg stretching exercises I've been able to kite on the water and, when I get off, not feel such a strong pain and discomfort in my left leg, quad in particular.
This is probably a record year of number of days on the water to kiteboard as I went to Mexico twice and was able to get started hiding in Colorado as early as mid-March and continued until mid-October. I even took a trip to Nebraska to camp for one night around Cinco de Mayo with a friend. That was really fun.
Did a good job leaving more space for things, so I'm not always in a rush.
Kept up with walking throughout the year.
I think I figured out that my digestion generally does really well when I'm emotionally open and not holding on to things. If I do hold on to something, I usually have a tougher time and feel more bloated. Still enjoying eating bread, in fact I'm having lots of it!
Would have liked to hang out with friends and play more games, but really got to do some great fun activities this year. Bowling, new board games, great conversations, playing tennis with dad

Nell:

Didn't do much yoga. But with all the stretching I did, I feel like this one gets a pass.
I still struggle sometimes to take a break from work when I get into zone.
Didn't get wing gear. That was a conscious decision, by Black Friday. Maybe I will next year. At this point I'm ready.

Intention:

Be curious about how I feel, check in daily.

While I still get some shoulder pain and my neck is still sore. I feel like it's on the path to keep healing and going back seven months I can definitely see there's been improvement.

I got an infrared heating pad this year, and I'm hoping to use that more along with the other tools that I've accumulated over time. I think heat and ice seemed to work the best as far as providing relief and reducing inflammation. Then stretching and strengthening on top of that, keep the body functional, mobile and strong.

Emotional: Self Compassion and Quality Experiences

Grade: A-

This year I learned that getting emotionally stirred can bring up a lot of energy and motivation to expend that emotional energy in a physical way or a mental way.

When I chose to act out physically, I've been doing it in very healthy ways. In contrast to mentally, while it's helped me to process the emotions by thinking about them, sometimes it led to me leaning on the wrong people, saying the wrong things, or blaming and torturing myself over my feelings or actions.

I would say that this year I struggle the most with self compassion. I spent a lot of time going around in circles in my head processing what's happened. In addition to what happened with work and some difficulties with a past employee, I also had a tough ending of the year with major events all happening at once. Suddenly it felt like there was too much to process and no end in sight. And I felt resistance to being present. I wanted to get away. I wanted to go off on my own or just be with my partner and have no responsibilities and no worries and everything just fine between us.

But there is no magic wand I could wave. And I've never been one to run away from responsibilities without looking back. I couldn't see myself uprooting my whole life or disappearing no matter how much I wanted to.

Affirmation:

I am doing my best and, when I need to, I rest. I take time to empathize with myself and others.

Before the year end holiday, I felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I spent the last week resting a lot, cuddling, seeing family, and somehow remained emotionally open. I love this feeling and the motivation and energy it gives me. And I hope to maintain it going into the new year for months and months. At the same time, if I think about compassion and especially self-compassion, it's been challenging. There have been times when I got mad at my partner or my parents, and I hope to have more mercy for everyone, including myself. I not hold things to such a high bar.

That's more emotional sin, I look forward to lean more on God to help guide me towards commitment and loyalty.

Well:

Found compassion towards others. In many ways much better than towards myself. Especially as the year came to an end, I felt so emotionally open and willing to listen. It was such a strong ending that I'm having a hard time remembering how the rest of the year went, really.
A bigger focus on family and my partner. And less focus on the day to day grind.
Going to church gave me a weekly emotional outlet. I cried most times. And perhaps this is why in the end of the year it was so easy to build up towards even more emotional openness.
Regular reminders to help my partner with her goals. Made me feel like I'm contributing a little bit more.
So my parents more frequently. I'm not sure if I always hit twice a month. But I tried to help more. And sometimes did. This intensified after I got back from Mexico and I've been seeing them nearly every week.
Although we didn't travel anywhere together. My partner came camping with me once and that was super cute. I watch lots of TV shows and movies and had many good conversations and delicious food experiences.
I responded better to my co workers when things weren't going swimmingly. There were definitely opportunities to be more critical and then I tried to be constructive and supportive. Not perfect, but better than in the past.
Nice to spend time with some kiteboarding buddies. A couple of them I feel like I got to know better.

Nell:

I didn't really meditate this year. It was very sporadic.
I would struggle to listen to my partner sometimes and make her feel hurt. Reading this Love and Respect book is giving me some ideas for next year.
I missed my partner during the second Mexico trip. Wish she had come.
My temper still got the best of me a few times, responding to my dad or my mom in ways that could have been kinder.
Wish I had a friend nearby to lean on in times of stress. A guy friend in particular.

Intention:

Care for my inner self like I would for a dear friend.

I was between an A- and B+ this this year. But I'm going on the higher end as I'm finishing the year with an open heart and with trust that I will find more kindness and compassion through surrender: giving myself and others time and space. I hope that by allowing my faith to guide me I will find peace and relief, as opposed to trying to figure it all out myself, and figure it out NOW! I can be such a fixer...

Mental: Journal and Appreciate, Sustainably

Grade: B+

Affirmation:

I notice and recognize good efforts myself and others make.

This year I stepped back from work mentally in many ways. I started the year with a fun project and really enjoyed getting involved in that. Of course there were a few things about it I could have handled better, such as putting less pressure on my teammates when it comes to budget. I was really excited in the first part of the year. And then some challenges came. And lengthy processes for legal decisions. And lots of inner turmoil.

Overall I dealt with it pretty well, but I did have some sleepless nights. And then starting mid year I kind of pulled away and enjoyed my personal life more and more. I occasionally felt bad about this, but for the most part I let myself go through with it and I don't have any major regrets as the year comes to an end. Things worked out, the business is still afloat, and I contributed a solid effort to what was needed when it was needed. I'm proud for being able to shake off the guilt of not putting work first at all times. As a business owner, that's always been a tough priority to balance with the rest of my life.

Then as the year came to a close, I spent a lot of time thinking in circles about my relationships, things I've done, what I want out of life. I ended up questioning a lot more than I probably should have. But I also realized that things in my life had degraded a bit more than I initially thought.

I still struggle with patience and fighting the urge to fix something right away or say something right away and get what's on my mind and in my heart out. But sometimes that really doesn't serve me and it hurts those I care about.

Despite some poor decisions and poor emotional outbursts, if I look at what happened with some grace, there has been a lot of good and growing up as well. One sad and heavy insight is that I'm entering midlife, when starting over like I was young is no longer a great option. Sure it's possible, but it means a lot more sacrifice. I have built a lot in my life to get to this point, and I have been with my partner for nine years, and I live where I live. And for the most part I embrace that. But there has been a part of me, challenged to want to flee from responsibilities and live a life of adventure without any burdens. There's heavy feelings as relationships mature and I start looking in the far future, and my parents need more support, and I'm just not as young to give everything up and make drastic changes. As the year comes to a close, I'm letting go of that resistance. I'm looking into the future with hope that by surrendering and trusting in the path things take, I can live with lightness and acceptance. Because the only way to build something meaningful is to commit and stick with it.

I have some regrets and some resentment in my life. With how my relationship with my partner has turned out and how my parents are managing. I just wish it was all easier. I wish that things hadn't gotten so degraded. I wish that I had stepped up more and paying more attention. I wish that I hadn't rationalized things to this point.

But what's done is done. I must be present and look to the future. And I'm grateful to have the awareness brought on where things are at, so I can intentionally and patiently steer things, and trust in a better direction.

Well:

I paid pretty good attention when I was stressed.
I started adding Kudos to our team meetings at work, and made an effort to recognize good work. Felt some appreciation in return, as well. Work environment was more relaxed over time.
Enjoyed solving problems with less stress. In particular enjoyed using AI tools to help me with all sorts of things: mostly programming, but also tasks around the house, emotional support for others.
Read a wonderful book about not hurrying--The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, and it really stuck with me. I still think about it months later. I was embodying it very well in Mexico.
I journaled even more in Romanian, especially in November!
I worked at a more sustainable pace last year. I averaged 25 hours of work per week, up to 30 if 8 of those weeks would have been off (2 weeks a quarter). That feels like a good pace.
Rested more. Started observing Sabbath on Saturdays (more about this in the spiritual goal)
Started using Whispering for dictation. Started using AI to get work done and combining that with voice dictation as well.
The reinforcement helped: "There is always plenty of time. There is no other good way to work."

Nell:

Did not journal much until I returned from my trip in November (on the flight actually). I started the year trying, but most mornings I felt like I was just writing down what happened with no reflection.
I think I read one Romanian book that I gave to my parents after, but didn't get to Romanian audiobooks yet. I didn't listen to as many audiobooks this year.
Could take more breaks during the workday still.
I still have the tendency to make things harder for myself, by justifying my tendencies to problem-solve or reasoning that something needs to be figured out. When something is important to me, I want to figure it out ASAP. I also don't want to hold things in or carry any weight.
Boundaries are still a challenge: I rarely worked late because I didn't work many long days, but I would use my phone in the evenings, and sometimes laptop too. It was tough at times, because I would have responsibilities other days or take a day off to go kite, or I would get started late with the workday, so I would allow that flexibility. This is a tough one to handle, but the main reason for the boundary is to keep stress levels and sleep in a good place, and I did that pretty well.

Intention:

Create space, awareness, and calm in my mind and my environment.

I said it well in last year's mental goals that I would focus more on emotions as a gateway to my mental health. It seems like that is one of my challenges, kind of dwelling in circles between emotions and thoughts.

I did better this year mentally. Although I finished off with some tough challenges and a lot of self-doubt and second guessing. I feel like now I am looking to rebuild my self-confidence and trust in my decision making. Hence the B+.

Spiritual: Cherish what Life Brings Today

Grade: A-

Affirmation:

I cherish today, all it has to offer, and appreciate chance to share it with others.

When this year started, I couldn't have predicted where I would be spiritually in 2025 by the end. By April I found myself going to church regularly, which I wouldn't have guessed. The process is still ongoing and I feel like it's a slow and steady change. But it feels like a definite change. And then as the year ended with three major life events that felt largely outside of my control, even when I participated in them, I recognize that I am so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. That life is a lot about the growth of our soul over time. And less about all the material things. And even our relationships with other people are secondary to the big picture.

This all culminated with my Mexico trip. I went by myself this time, and I started out by seeing the sunrise on the very first day. And for two weeks straight, waking up to see the sunrise every day. Listening to worship music at the apartment. Swimming for fifteen to twenty minutes, sometimes twice a day, walking down the beach, getting some sun, doing my stretches as the sun came up. Going to bed around nine o'clock. No drinking. Taking time to see baby turtles coming out of the sand and heading to the water. Taking time to talk to people and get to know them. Being open hearted. Then I let myself go down a path that did not serve me. In the long term, this will teach me about who I really want to be and forced me to work through my values, boundaries, and what I stand for. But in the short term, it caused a lot of pain and suffering.

This will take me into 2026. With a need for patience, trust, and faith.

Well:

Connected to my inner self and others deeply. I spent a lot of time driving this year, to Wyoming, to Nebraska, to Aurora, to my parents. During these times I would introspect and also enjoy seeing the mountains. Nature.
I camped a few times and got to see the sunrise. I saw so many sunrises this year and quite a few sunsets as well. I found a lot of peace in these moments. Sometimes sadness or joy. They opened my heart and helped me be present. I feel a deeper connection with God from spending so much more time connected to nature and patient when it comes to the wind or work or time in general to the next thing.
I really got into kite foiling at the lakes this year. This culminated in some beautiful light wind kitefoiling in Mexico as well, where I really learned to improve my turns.
I also have a beautiful memory of kiting in shallow water in the pond in Wyoming and enjoying the opportunity to jump into some tricks and just be happy that I have such a beautiful place to ride in.
I have another beautiful memory with Kristen taking a video of me in Wyoming and us camping together there and feeling the rain overnight like it was such a strong storm. But then waking up to the car being dry in the middle of the night. I remember hiding in the pond and smiling and being so happy the next day that I got a chance to ride.
While this year didn't involve much travel with my partner, I did take those two trips to Mexico and I spent a lot of time by myself with nature. I also met people and got to know them and more openly and warmly talked to them.
I bonded with my partner over our world views and grew more closely together through God. As the year was coming to an end, I felt like she was making an effort to move towards me and be there for me in the ways that mattered to me most. I tried to do the same for her and look to continue that into the next year.
I didn't expect to develop a commitment to connecting to God. But I think it has come at the right time in my life as I'm entering midlife and more challenges are arising, and there's just no way that I can plan and control everything. I can't do it all on my own. And the more I find it, the more I try to be perfect, the more difficult the resistance and pushback would be.
I wasn't really able to celebrate what my body is able to do this year. I was also able to support my partner through her journey with her body and continue to love her as she would struggle at times. I had a lot to celebrate in what I've been able to do this year physically: kite many days, swim strongly, recover my shoulder strength and mobility, all while driving a lot and losing weight. It took a lot of determination and perseverance.
I switched from meditations to prayer. And I would like to deepen that relationship into the new year.
I spend some beautiful time with my parents, connecting to them, and learning and listening. And being kind, although not perfect.

Nell:

Did not meditate much this year
I'm craving more intimacy with my partner and feeling more confident that I am a good partner to her and she is one to me. Relationships are hard, and as we're in our tenth year together, it feels like a time for recommitment and intentional support and kindness towards each other. Trusting and having faith in God to help us find a new spark.
I felt a lot of self blame this year and resentment for parts of my life. I felt annoyed or had a tough time understanding others at times. This lead to some regrets and some bad decisions.

Intention:

Celebrate getting through each day, being present and kind.

This year was a much deeper spiritual journey than I anticipated. And I'm now in a place where I don't feel ready rationally to surrender so much faith. But I also kind of don't have a choice if I want to find a path to more peace and less blame. Especially blame over myself.

2024 goals

Quick review of 2024's goals, what's changed after another year?

Physical: Steady and Balanced
- [+] PT switched to a more holistic and functional approach through my chiropractor. Great progress!
- [+] Did some pilates and workouts. Then moved more towards strengthening my shoulders: great progress again!
- [+] Less upper body stress and eye strain (although still present, it's never gonna be 100% not there)
- [+] Much better digestion. Better understanding of mineral-rich meals, fibers.
- [+] Amazing growth in swimming, kiteboarding, kitefoiling.
Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness
- [+] Less time in alert mode!
- [+] Deepened relationships and presence when driving, being with kite buddies
- [+] Effort to deepen my relationship with my partner and my parents. Not always smooth but going!
- [-] Would like to be kinder and less temperamental/analytical in my responses.
Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership
- [+] Lower stress, treadmill, less urgency
- [+] Great recognition and encouragement at work, I feel pretty good about my leadership
- [-] Didn't read much in Romanian, but got into journaling more in Romanian EOY.
- [-] Lot of self blame, still rough with myself. Making bad decisions, not being strong enough, second guessing.
Spiritual: Fly and Play
- [+] More time alone on trips, driving, kite days. Nature.
- [+] Less hurry, more self care.
- [-] Self doubt as I feel I don't measure up to what God expects of me...
- [-] Did not meditate much, probably gonna cancel my subscription. Switched to prayer.
- [-] Struggle with self-compassion, I am hard on myself.

What now?

My theme for 2026 is trust and faith. Together they mean more than individually.

Trust feels a lot more like something one can build, with more control, direction. Trust can also be earned and it is a two-way feeling, but it can also be taken as trust in oneself. This year has shaken me up in more than one way, and I want to rebuild my trust and confidence.
Faith, meanwhile, is a lot more about suspending judgment and reason. It's a sort of blind trust, taking a leap and hoping that I land somewhere good. I feel I need this now more than ever, as so many of life's turns are outside my control.

This year I'm really starting with the personal focus and would revisit with a business mindset once I get all the personal ambitions sorted.

Reading my top six values from last year, it's interesting how much they still resonate.

Health - placing importance on physical and emotional wellbeing
Relationships - connections between and among people
Play - imagination, spontaneity, the ability to be amused
Stability - taking on day to day activities in a calm and consistent manner
Spirituality - appreciating the need to understand one's inner self and its relationship with the world
Recognition - acknowledgment and/or validation

In particular, I'm drawn to play and recognition, but spirituality is the one calling me the most.

If it was December 2026 and I looked back on the year, where would I want to be?

Physical: Trust in my Strong, Healing Body
Emotional: Allow Time and Faith to Guide Me
Mental: Strong, Committed, but Limited
Spiritual: Guided by Faith and Time Perspective

Physical: Trust in my Strong, Healing Body

Physically I'm in a really good place from a year ago.

There is still some pain in the left calf, weakness in the left bicep and shoulder (in particular bicep curls and shoulder rotation), left forearm can get sore, and the right shoulder has been acting up a bit since October or so. I got a new office chair that caves in less around the shoulders, hoping it will lead to a more open stance at my desk.

Applying the trust and faith team here means trusting in my body to know when to rest and listening to it. Having faith that my body is strong and wants to remain strong.

Well enough what I would do would just continue my activities from 2025. I might actually have a hard time staying quite as active due to other challenges with family and my partner, so I have to give myself some grace here, especially given 2025 was a record-breaking year (at least since 2020, if not longer).

I have reminders in place to use tools, take breaks. I got a treadmill mid-year and started using it.

My intention for 2025:

Trust my body to know when to rest and when to work hard.

Affirmation:

I have faith in my physical strength, and set aside time to care for my body.

Enjoy every move
- A big theme from 2025, especially starting with my November trip to Mexico (but, I think, even before), I feel like I enjoy any excuse to move until I tire (and I tire less). Even going up and down the stairs in the house. I'm just happy to be moving.
- Walks: at least 30m a day. Use a treadmill while working
- Stand at the desk more--after every hour.
- Swim 2x/week or more (currently doing 4x and loving it). Maybe learn some new swim styles: breast stroke, butterfly. Sharpen dolphin kicks
- Weight lift 1x-2x/week, add in exercises while taking breaks from work. I'd like to get to 3x/week of weights, and getting stronger, but that really depends on the maintenance program I follow with chiropractic and functional movement.
- Continue strengthening and following the program from chiropractor
Rest intentionally
- Trust in the power of rest.
- Rest at least 1x/week
- Rest at least 1 full week every other month (or 2 half-weeks?)
Trust in my body
- This one's a bit hard to explain, but I can say what it looks like.
- When I feel the need to rest, I rest.
- I check in with my body regularly, multiple times a day.
- I pay attention to what feels tight, what feels strong.
- I treat my body care, affection, attention.
- In general, I leave space and time for this to happen naturally, instead of pushing through like I am used to doing.

And have faith that this will be enough. I don't need to be pushing hard every week. I love the momentum I have today and would love to keep this going.

Emotional: Allow Time and Faith to Guide Me

2025 was hard emotionally, perhaps the hardest year since I moved to the United States. Tough challenges with my parents as they are aging and my dad needs more support. Tough challenges in my relationship with my partner as I made some mistakes that I deeply regret, which in turn also highlighted that our relationship was missing the mark for both of us.

I feel like emotions are closer to the surface and I have a more open heart than I have had in years. I cried more in November and December of this year than perhaps the last five years of my life or more. All of this has stirred up a lot of energy and seems to be playing well with keeping me motivated to move. I'm discovering that in a way opening my heart like this makes me feel really alive and makes me appreciate moments more dearly.

To integrate trust and faith into my emotions, it feels really more about faith than anything. Trust comes in that I'm a good person. I have good intentions and I try to do well by those I care about. Faith would help me accept that I can't figure out my emotions or other people's emotions and I can't control them. I have to let things run their course and time and gentle guidance to help point me in the right direction. And that's where faith comes in as well by helping me align what I believe in and the goodness, joy, and love of God with who I want to be and how I want to treat others.

Intention:

Trust that I am a good person and strengthen my faith to guide me towards who I want to be.

Affirmation:

I channel my emotions through movement and believe in the power of time to allow them to take a good course forward.

Breakdown:

Feel and let time pass
- Let emotions take their course. I can still write down my feelings and ideas, but don't act on them when they're nebulous and going around in circles. Just let time pass, sit with them as needed, although it's not good to get stuck on them and feel them over and over again. Look forward, or breathe through and let it pass. Stop thinking in circles.
- Listen to Romanian audiobooks to practice my native tongue (try Voxa?)
Forgive myself
- Forgive myself for mistakes, for "wasting time" or "wasting energy" thinking about things over and over.
- Avoid circles of self-blame, and avoid blaming others too. I can feel upset and write things down, etc, but don't get hung up on them.
Trust and connection
- Trust in my partner and other close ones' good intentions.
- If I feel disconnected, reach out with an offer to reconnect and show love, caring, respect
- Check in with myself and revisit my values, convictions. Sit in silence. Sit with God. Pray. Ask for guidance.
- Support my partner, love her unconditionally. Remember her intentions are good.
- Support my parents. Commit to 1x/week as of now, visiting them and helping with something.

This is much more about surrender, trust and faith than about how I feel in the moment. More about letting time pass and looking ahead with hope that things will work out. I spend a lot of time trying hard to guide things myself, to control and wrangle my emotions or others' responses.

Mental: Strong, Committed, but Limited

There were two major mental challenges this year. One was professional and one was personal.

The professional one made me question my perspective and cause some sleepless nights and self-doubt in my abilities to lead and be a good leader. I came through feeling acceptance for what's out of my control and understanding that perspectives can differ while not necessarily making me a bad person.

The big challenge that surfaced at the end of the year is where my commitments lie. Can I be there for those who depend on me and for myself to follow through on what I really want out of life? Can I build something meaningful even when it is hard? Can I trust that there is a greater understanding out there than my own and that I can't solve some problems even if I tried to know and control everything possible?

My mind is strong, sharp, able to figure out so many things. It's not always committed to the things that serve me best, but it sure is stubborn. Finally, it's got a limited perspective, and always will. I can't know everything.

Intention:

Commit to a meaningful life, even when it's hard. Be present, look forward, trust and let go.

Affirmation:

I believe God looks out for me and my mind alone can't solve all my problems.

Breakdown:

Check in with my commitments
- What are my values, what do I say yes to and what are the thousands of things I say no to in order to honor my commitments? Having a partner, parents, building a family and business. These all require saying no to lots of other things
- Care for my health, my well being
- Reach for healthy habits that energize me or give my mind a break, whether it's swimming, laying down and taking a breath, smelling something relaxing like rose or lavender, etc
- Read "Traction" book (EOS)
I am not alone
- Seek connection when I need support. Offer what I can, bring something forward, with care, first and ask for support gently.
- Read, write, or pray for strength and guidance. Surrender to a greater help than I could possibly get from myself or others, through God.
Trust the reasons behind my struggles
- Look beyond my worries or constant inner turmoil and try to find what's really the hot thought or fear. Do I fear being alone? Being a bad person? Being unworthy of what I have?
- When I feel full of self-doubt and want to blame my mind for being so annoyingly persistent, remember I am only human. I don't and can't know everything, and no amount of struggle is gonna give me an easy answer. Trust in God, allow thoughts time and space to turn on their own: don't force a fix now.

Mentally, I still beat myself up a lot and go around in circles. I also tend to want to pursue my thoughts and can lose sight of my commitments and the bigger, long-term picture.

Spiritual: Guided by Faith and Time Perspective

My spirits were growing and looking up through most of 2025. The last 2 months brought heavy questioning and opportunities to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself who am I? What do I believe in? What's really important to me? Am I really living in my life as-is, or dreaming of some other life?

For 2026, I'm committing to reading scripture and exploring my relationship to God on a deeper level. Although rationally I'm curious and open emotionally, I don't feel a strong conviction or deep connection at all times. I have many doubts. Many doubts in myself also and my own strength.

Intention:

Spend time with God each day. Pray, trust, have faith, surrender.

Affirmation:

I believe my soul is here to grow, and commit to live a meaningful, honorable life.

Breakdown:

Read scripture
- Bible in a year
Live more biblically
- Look at biblical values for marriage, relationships, business, and live through those
- Read Love & Respect and other books (Boundaries, maybe)
Widen my perspective
- Keep in mind there is a great God who knows much more than I do, loves me, and wants to make my burden easier through faith.

This one is the most concrete and the most abstract at the same time? I know reading will help me. And yet having faith and feeling it is not that natural for me. It will take time.

I don't know what 2026 will bring in this regard, I didn't expect 2025 to bring what it did... but I am hopeful that the heavy burdens I feel today will lighten and I'll come through wiser, more loving, and more joyful. I want to keep my inner playful youthful spirit.

What's going to guide me best this year is faith. And when I say time perspective, I mean letting time give me perspective before pursuing a major change or new direction.

Final Reflection

2025 started and ended with challenges, but it was a beautiful year with so many gifts and opportunities to learn, grow, and enjoy life.

Again started Q1 with hard work and travels just like last year.
Got a ton of days on the water this year. And really enjoyed time to myself and with friends.
Although I didn't travel to any new country this year, I explored a lot by being president, by be visiting the same places more times, and one fun drive to Nebraska with a camping trip.
Really improved my foiling skills, especially in light wind. And I'm now feeling more confident about going out in Colorado and Wyoming. And just excited to enjoy something I had a lot of difficulty with and fears around. There were several times in my last Mexico trip when I would be the only one on the water being able to make it work with the foil.
Proud of myself for sticking to healthy habits during times of stress such as swimming.
Really love slowing down and letting go of hurry. Observing Sabbath, seeing so many sunrises and taking slow walks on the beach, swimming to see fish, and just spending time enjoying nature at its pace and being present and resting. I think this might be a reason I feel so much motivation to enjoy life as well.
I can swim 1km without breaks now, and switched from drinking calories to drinking water.
Lots of progress in physical recovery and strengthening my shoulders and my legs. I feel better than I have in years.
Feeling hopeful and inspired about deepening my connection to my partner and my family.

My goals for 2026 feel more spiritual, emotional, and relaxed. And also an extension of 2025 in many ways.

I'm really excited to look back on the year in 12 months and see where life has taken me. I hope I can find more trust in myself and live a fuller, more meaningful life!

The disappointment of compassion

2025-02-09T14:02:00-07:00

Compassion is disappointing because it's so simple. It boils down to just being present. What? That's it? Yes! You be present, to make space, to feel your feelings, to accept that it's okay the way it is. Feel love and understanding for all as it is. It's just letting the heart be open, non-judgmental, not necessarily forgiving but understanding, sitting with it.

As I was working through some challenges, it seemed like the answer to every self-stress, self-judgment, self-aggression, is just compassion. And then practicing it is just about making room feel your s---? Just sitting with it?

Boring. Disappointing. Also... beautifully simple.

Belated Birthday Resolutions 2024

2024-12-25T09:57:00-07:00

Why?
Gut check
2024 in review
What now?
Final reflection

Why?

Why reflect and set resolutions? Not just to have something to measure against, but to guide my daily decisions and help me focus on what matters to me.

Top-down with a focus on values, and broken down into examples or key results.

Past: 2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.

Gut check

As a quick gut check, what's on my mind heading into 2025, what would serve me and those I care about?

Sounds silly to write this but, being nicer, more considerate? My stress levels have been quite high the last few weeks. Compassion, starting with self compassion, may be key.

Top 10 values, in order:

Health - placing importance on physical and emotional wellbeing
Relationships - connections between and among people
Play - imagination, spontaneity, the ability to be amused
Stability - taking on day to day activities in a calm and consistent manner
Spirituality - appreciating the need to understand one's inner self and its relationship with the world
Recognition - acknowledgment and/or validation
Privacy - the need for solitude or separateness
Flexibility - the ability to adapt to different environments, situations or change
Education - placing importance on learning and education
Achievement - places importance on the fulfillment of activities, goals, tasks or work

Rereading my 2024 reflections, I find myself having stressed or urgently chased solving problems, especially at work. The last quarter of the year especially felt too busy, too intense. Adding to that, my parents are getting older and struggling with certain things.

Another big theme for me over the years has been feeling the pressure of time. How can I - reframe my perspective to feel like I have plenty of time?

The theme for 2025 is compassion, which is a hard one for me. It doesn't come naturally, especially self compassion.

Sidenote: I'm excited to be dictating this post for a change. I've been wanting to reduce the time I spend typing or staring at the screen, and have been able to find an awesome tool which I highly recommend, Talon Voice.

2024 in review

2024 started out stressful as well, then getting into April and beyond I began stepping away.

As spring kicked in and the weather got warmer, I began spending more time outdoors, heading to Wyoming, and generally working less. I shared with my team that I was kind of burnt out. That lasted for quite a while, and I was fortunate enough that the business was sufficiently strong to get through this period, with help from my coworkers of course. I was looking forward to a much needed break and travels during the month of August, but my parents had some difficulties in July.

In the end I was able to travel, but it started out rough with a flight cancellation and rearranging part of the trip. All worked out, and I was able to work just over a dozen hours during the four week trip. I came back feeling more optimistic, and catching up with family and work. It was a very late summer, warm through the end of October, and actually it barely snowed this quarter at all.

As the year is coming to a close, I'm feeling similarly stressed as a year ago, having struggled to catch up and stay on top of everything I feel I should be doing.

Health-wise, I was able to exercise a lot, my legs are ninety percent recovered and I gained some muscle and was able to kiteboard more than 15 days in Colorado alone. My shoulder and neck are probably a little worse than they were a year ago (though my elbow is better), and physically that is the one thing I would like to change and heal. Family wise, I've been spending more time with my parents and I'm looking to support them more in 2025.

Opportunities:

Q1 started with hard work to launch a new project. This conflicted a bit with my travels, but I made it work.
I enjoyed several snow days during '23/'24 winter, though it also made my schedule feel busier with the longer drives and overnights to justify them. Still, I have nice memories spending time with a friend, enjoying the hot tub. No regrets.
Gardening was easy and tough this year. I tended to the garden less, and overall it was a dry year which made it tough to grow anything. Next year, I'll be taking a break from growing food altogether.
Got to kite in a new place near Denver - Aurora reservoir. Beautiful spot, though Wyoming remains my favorite. Also got to foil in Wyoming for the first time ever, and feeling more comfortable with that.
Got a new grill and enjoyed using that. Hope to keep using it into 2025, I'm sure I will.
Enjoyed mocktails at the farmers market. Got cornhole and had fun playing that a while.
Gained some muscle and strength in my legs. Was able to strengthen my arms, including the areas that were sore and weaker, which helped my posture and recovery overall. My weight came down to the mid-180s most of the year, and am now back to the low 190s. I figured that'd happen heading into winter!
Loved traveling to Ireland, Slovenia and Croatia. Beautiful places, views, great food, and spending time with an old friend.
As I returned from travels, I got into swimming, and just this week managed to swim 1km in one session for the second time.
Had some great breakthroughs in therapy around anger--both by sharpening my tools, but mainly by sitting with it (and myself) in compassion. Who knew that letting feelings be felt for a few minutes every day can make such a big difference?
Finally got a new car and I'm loving it!

I'm feeling quite stressed as this year comes to a close, and really looking to release that over the holidays.

For 2024, my goals were:

Physical: Steady and Balanced
Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness
Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership
Spiritual: Fly and Play

Physical: Steady and Balanced

Grade: B+

Affirmation:

I give my body the time and rest it needs to heal and strengthen between the times I push. I know I can push hard, but can I "rest hard"?

Overall, this affirmation has stuck with me through the year. I've had periods of pushing hard physically, for example working out 5 days a week in September - 4 weight days + 1 cardio. That resulted in some genuine muscle gain, and the program really worked. I also gained strength of course. It felt very rewarding to gain some chest muscle! There were also months when I rested or worked out quite a bit less to give my body a break.

The tough part is my upper body tension, as I'm ending the year with higher levels of stress and longer workdays, I have a lot of soreness in my left shoulder/upper trap/neck. The last week I've been giving heating pads a try, and looking to add in the prana mat, the infrared lights, more magnesium sprays, and come up with other ideas. Acupuncture has been helping as well.

I was able to step back from work in the summer, which was nice. My legs are doing very well. There are occasional aches, especially on the left quad and calf/Achilles from some harder sessions on the water, but they are overall holding up strong.

Well:

Started out with PT and moved towards Rossiter's, and eventually acupuncture. Figured out my elbow pain and now it's mostly neck and upper trap.
Worked out many times through the year, with different programs, including some tough ones. Was able to step away from workouts when I was tired, busy, or otherwise not fully recovered.
Got back into swimming and routinely swim 600-750m, with a couple of bursts to 1km. Feeling super proud of this, as when I started my BPM would be well over 140 after just a couple of laps and I had to rest a lot. I probably spent about 25 minutes to get to 500-600m, and now I can do 1km in 35 minutes or so, with a lot less rest and overall lower BPM in the 130-140 range. So rewarding!
My body has shaped up well, with an overall similar waist measurement as last year (mostly lower this year than last, until Q4), and gained some decent muscle elsewhere. Serious muscle gains in September, and serious strength gains in my legs. As a prime example, I remember returning from a kite day in Wyoming, and holding all the kite gear by the backyard gate while I stand on one leg and push the gate open with the other, feeling super steady. I still have very good balance on one leg from that, and part of it is due to focused workouts.
Got an incredible number of days on the water in Colorado and Wyoming this year. I gave McIntosh a try, but decided it's not worth kiting there. Met some friends that go to Aurora and went there a few times with good success--only 1 day didn't work out. And Wyoming never let me down, I even had a beautiful session where the rain came through and then the wind turned south. I got to paddle board for 30 minutes and then the wind came up and I went out again in South wind, and it was so clean and steady and relaxing. I was able to enjoy longer sessions again, and relax more on the water. Being able to ride 2-3 hours a day or more has been so rewarding! Also, fall was warm and late, and so I got to kite all the way into end of October. Even had a chance to go in November but decided to pass. Got a new kite I have yet to try. Excited for next year!
HTMA results made me stop taking magnesium. Look forward to see results of that soon.
Used the trampoline here and there. Took breaks here and there.

Nell:

Didn't do as much yoga as I hoped, but... a little. And threw in some pilates too.
Still feeling lots of upper body stress.
Still got headaches due to eye strain and poor posture.
Digestion had its ups and downs. Still experiencing some bloat. Overall though, I'd put this at 80% of where I think I could be, with some of the year being solid 90%+. My partner got into baking sourdough and I'm grateful to be able to enjoy that without my skin breaking out.

Intention:

Steadily take care of my body, daily, consistently.

It's not an A because my shoulder and neck are hurting, mainly. Otherwise most of my focus areas here grew and got better.

Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness

Grade: A-

Affirmation:

I love my life and appreciate what I have every moment. I'm surrounded by caring, kind people.

I did love my personal life quite a lot this year. The trouble is, I had difficulty stepping away from stress due to work, and later on, family. I had bouts of frustration and anger, and developed tools and practices in therapy to help me with that.

One of the tools was a daily check-in and sitting with "Hulk", and familiarizing myself with what anger is like in my body. And a second, more powerful concept was the validation of anger, and recognizing that it's an important feeling just like the others, and I shouldn't just brush it aside. I was able to have some honest open conversations with my partner as well, and hope to remember these lessons for years. So, that feels like a big achievement.

Well:

Stepped away from work some in Q2/early Q3. Was able to let go of stress when the opportunity arose, and get suport from my team to do so.
Some enjoyable QT with my partner. Saw my parents more, especially Q2/Q3.
Made friends kiteboarding and am excited to be part of a group of wind sports folks now.
Worked through some anger and frustration in therapy, and that was a very satisfying WIN for the year!
Was aware of shallow breathing and took more deep breaths. Downregulated my nervous system quite a bit at times, though the year overall was stressful which made it tough.

Nell:

Still spending quite a bit of time in "alert mode"
Would like to connect more with my partner, although we had some good bonds this year.
Failed to take afternoon rests. But, I was able to take more breaks during the workday, generally. Added a mid-morning/noon ish walk that I did many times, although I also skipped it many times.

Intention:

Feel warm and safe and loved and connected. Everything is OK.

I'm emotionally fairly centered, but a bit thrown off by my own temper and stress levels built up during Q4. I do feel fairly well equipped to DO something about it, but am unsure if I have enough time to do it. Another aspect here is self-compassion as well as compassion for others. I'd like to give that more room and focus in 2025.

I'm giving myself an A- despite some important misses, because I really did have some breakthroughs with anger, and change in my values and priorities with my parents' misadventures.

Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership

Grade: B-

Affirmation:

I am unshaken, a pillar or a strong tree, rooted in my Romanian past and leading a collaborative team/environment.

I'm happy I was able to read 2 Romanian books this year, that feels rewarding. The year also ended with a nice Christmas celebration with family and Romanian carolers coming by to sing--I couldn't help but tear up during the few songs they sang! Beyond that, reconnecting with my high school friend in Croatia was really fun, and even though I didn't visit Romania this year, I made an effort to keep my brain engaged.

I do feel emotionally strong, but I also had some outbursts and periods of high stress.

Well:

Created some space, took deep breaths to downregulate my nervous system.
Generally let go of sense of urgency, but struggled with afternoon breaks.
I did discuss this overall in therapy and struggled to come up with additional ideas. Compassion?
Read 2 Romanian books and started looking into Audiobooks--I have that queued up for next year.
Lead the team with transparency, though I could be more compassionate. Proud of transparency and directness overall.

Nell:

Did not write 1 Romanian blog post yet, but I did journal in Romanian
Was rough with myself and the team under stress. This is understandable, and human, but it still sucks.

Intention:

Remember my roots and lead with patience and compassion.

I've made some mental breakthroughs through emotional growth this year, and that's a good indication to focus more on emotions as a gateway to my mental health in 2025.

The B grade is fair for the challenges I faced, but it was a real struggle to engage in a less stressful way with work. It makes me wonder whether the whole thing is even worth it and whether I should change my work life in a new direction. Had some good discussions about this with a consulting friend as well.

Spiritual: Fly and Play

Grade: A

Affirmation:

I am one with those around me. Nature protects me. All is well in the present moment.

I was able to find comfort in the present at times, and to really enjoy detaching, time in nature, and resting, during travels and otherwise downtimes.

Well:

Enjoyed time with kitties. Olive often rests in my lap during the workday and it's a nice way to rest and relax.
Had some inner journeys, but would like to do more
Really enjoyed Ireland's beauties, lakes of Slovenia, and drives through Croatia. Also really enjoyed kite trips in Wyoming and Colorado, snowboarding and driving in nature.
Enjoyed QT and my partner's beauty <3 and we had some shared growth in communication and bonding over the economy, politics, and our views as we are changing and getting older/more mature/etc.

Nell:

Did not start a family
Did not meditate much this year

Intention:

Live like a bird. Relaxed on a branch. Ready to fly and play in the wind.

Overall I didn't have a deep spiritual journey this year, but the experiences I did have were very rewarding, and I feel like I have grown more than I expected.

2023 goals

Quick review of 2023's goals, what's changed after another year?

Physical: Bolster and Balance
- [+] Changed to higher carbs, really helped with muscle gain and gluclose levels. Stuck with that through the year
- [+] With more than 4 years since COVID and I have yet to really get sick. Nothing this year, really. No shots, either. Incredibly grateful and lucky!
- [+] Continue to use the trampoline. Take walks and breaks before lunch.
- [+] Used the kettlebell for workouts. Not so much for relaxing, though I thought about it. Used the punching bag here and there.
- [+] Solid swimming since September
- [-] Still some struggles with bloat and glucose levels. But, am wondering if mostly due to stress
- [-] Still sore in neck/shoulder. Still getting occasional headaches from eyestrain as well.
Emotional: Kindness and Support
- [+] Great progress in therapy, breakthroughs in handling anger and my perception of it. Reduced outbursts this year!
- [+] Made some new kite friends. Got a community feel now. Got into snowboarding and did well at that!
- [+] Had a nice vacation in August and was able to step away!
- [-] Struggles with self compassion and self blame still, stress levels high at times
Mental: Guide and Surrender
- [+] Awareness of stress levels, aches, posture more so. Big focus on that.
- [+] Good use of lists/must-dos
- [-] Still getting pulled in and obsessing over occurrences. In particular a conflict with a former employee that lingered through the year.
Spiritual: Float and Observe
- [+] Baths, self care going great.
- [+] Beautiful nature in CO and WY, travels to Europe
- [-] Dropped off meditation, though I still do it 1x/week or more sometimes
- [-] Struggle with self-compassion, I am hard on myself.

What now?

My theme for 2025 is compassion. Both:

self compassion, offering myself understanding, patience, forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt, mostly understanding that I am human and can make mistakes or not always do everything perfectly
and compassion for others, taking care to consider that others are just doing their best, or might be having a bad day.

In both cases, also remembering that the outcome or current situation is not nearly as bad as it seems.

I'm proud to have stuck with my goals another year, and to reflect quarterly on this site. While I did not feel as inspired about my yearly goals as in some past years, it was also rewarding to not feel like him measuring up against a mountain of things to do.

As part of this year's reflections, I'm incorporating the values exercise we got as part of my business group. The exercise calls for selecting values out of a deck of cards, discarding down to 15 most important, and then 10, and then 5-6, keeping in mind these may change with age, and are not fixed forever. So here are my top 6 values for the year:

Health - placing importance on physical and emotional wellbeing
Relationships - connections between and among people
Play - imagination, spontaneity, the ability to be amused
Stability - taking on day to day activities in a calm and consistent manner
Spirituality - appreciating the need to understand one's inner self and its relationship with the world
Recognition - acknowledgment and/or validation

Following up with this, I'm supposed to come up with phrases that contain these values or connect to them. And my own addition to this is to incorporate them into the 4 goals that I outline for my year.

If it was December 2025 and I looked back on the year, where would I want to be?

Physical: Move, Play, Give Myself Time
Emotional: Self Compassion and Quality Experiences
Mental: Journal and Appreciate, Sustainably
Spiritual: Cherish what Life Brings Today

Physical: Move, Play, Give Myself Time

I liked the gradual approach of 2024, and managed to make steady progress healing my shoulder and neck, strengthening my legs and glutes as well as the rest of my body. I ended 2023 with an anti pattern a rolling my left shoulder forward, and continued that into most of this year. Just the last few weeks my shoulder has started to feel better as I deployed a set of tools such as:

heating blanket
infrared lights
roller and stretches
neck pillow
baths
pranamat/acupressure
acupuncture
posture corrector
time off :)

My intention for 2025:

Be curious about how I feel, check in daily.

Affirmation:

My body wants to heal and feel better. It wants to play and enjoy moving.

Give my body time
- Mind my posture, strengthen it, pay attention to it
- Take a break and move when I'm sore. Rest my eyes too.
- Space out the things I do further apart than I think
Move
- Stretch, daily, especially neck, shoulders, arms and legs.
- Strengthen, 2x/week. Feel strong. Steadily gain strength and muscle.
- Swim or otherwise do cardio 1x/week
- Continue walks, yoga, pilates
- Look into wing gear, get some by Black Friday 2025.
- Release tension (swimming is great with this, but also baths, kiteboarding)
Play
- Enjoy kiteboarding, tennis, board games, walking. Value physical activities whenever there is an opportunity.
- Play games in general
- Play with my partner and family
- Look at my work and daily tasks as play, too, whenever possible. Remember that it can be fun

As for my values, this goal incorporates health through time (patience, reduced stress) and movement, and incorporates play as well.

Emotional: Self Compassion and Quality Experiences

2024 was a tough year emotionally. My parents are aging and need more support. My business has stressed me out more than in years past (for multiple reasons), and I got very involved with the projects I was leading as well as the people working on them. I found myself stressing in the evenings, on weekends, and generally drowning in thoughts about work. On the flipside, I developed some good practices around dealing with anger and had some good conversations with my partner around this.

For 2025, I'm giving myself the year to feel differently about my job and my business. If too many weeks in a row I am still wondering if I should still be doing this, it might be time for a change. I'll see how that goes when we get there.

Intention:

Care for my inner self like I would for a dear friend.

Affirmation:

I am doing my best and, when I need to, I rest. I take time to empathize with myself and others.

Breakdown:

Self compassion and care
- Re-start a morning meditation, even just 5 minutes. 10 even better.
- Remember what's most important in life, it's not the day to day grind, but my health, relationships and having a good time, enjoying the experiences that life presents.
Quality time with family, partner
- Support my partner with her goals and efforts
- See my parents at least 2x/month and help them with whatever they need to take care of: be it cleaning, finances, appointments, shopping, etc.
- Bond and spend quality time with partner and family. Create quality experiences with those around me, especially my close ones.
Compassion with others
- Take a step back and give coworkers the benefit of the doubt more. Patiently consider what they might have thought when doing X or Y (or not doing).
- Embrace my temper, but don't throw at others so readily
Develop friendships
- Have fun with new friendships. I've met some nice folks through wind sports groups and would like to see them again.
- Look for opportunities to embrace a social situation and connect with others genuinely.

This goal mostly incorporates my theme for the year, self-compassion and compassion. It includes emotional health through relationships, stability in the face of life's daily challenges, and play.

Mental: Journal and Appreciate, Sustainably

Mentally, my stress levels were high much of the year. In the middle of the year I stepped back and kind of checked out from working hard but then my parents had some misadventures, there was a trip in the middle, and I came back to ramp up on work more and more. Now I still harbor frustration, stress and resentment at the thought of heading back to work. So, in 2025 I'll focus on reframing my perspective around my work, responsibilities, what I have to do and when, etc.

Intention:

Create space, awareness, and calm in my mind and my environment.

Affirmation:

I notice and recognize good efforts myself and others make.

Breakdown:

Journaling
- My partner inspired me to begin journaling daily, just jotting down some thoughts. It can be any time of day, though I hope to give it 5-10 minutes in the morning and the same in the evening. The main intention here is to shed light on how I'm doing that day and notice when stuff is piling on or what needs attention. Also, sometimes making lists or getting it out on paper can be calming. I'm really hopeful this will help my mental health.
- Pay attention to my nervous system. Notice my stress levels, maybe write down a number each day.
Culture of recognition
- I want to create a culture of recognition at work, and encourage others to appreciate each other's efforts, with the hopes that it will also trickle over to me.
- Create a positive work environment. Make it fun. Play. Joke.
- Solving problems may be rewarding, but so is the journey. Celebrate it. Encourage learning.
- Recognition is a tricky one to ask for.
Sustainable pace
- Work at a sustainable pace. Take more breaks than I think I need. There is plenty of time.
- Rest. Rest. Rest. Space things out. Have a daily list (already do), and pick off the minimum first, then add a little bit at a time.
- Remember, I'm not chasing anything, because there is nothing to catch. Even when I reach or complete something, the next thing is just around the corner. And yes, there is a thrill or reward for achievement, but it's not any less fulfilling if I take time to get there at a more sane pace (in fact the opposite is likely true).
- Use tools to make my workday easier such as dictation and AI.
- There is always plenty of time. There is no other good way to work.
Boundaries
- Don't work after dinner. Stay off my work email or laptop for work-related tasks.
- No phone use after 8:30pm in general. No laptop either.

Mentally, I nourish myself (health) through stability and a culture of recognition and fun (play).

Spiritual: Cherish what Life Brings Today

Spiritually, 2024 was a good reminder of what's most important in life, even though when I am busy I tend to lose sight of that. I got to experience some tranquility and peace on the trip in August, especially in Ireland with slow mornings and reading.

For 2025, the focus is on self compassion and recognition. Both being recognized and recognizing others as well as what's important. And I always incorporate time in nature as it's very healing for the spirit.

Intention:

Celebrate getting through each day, being present and kind.

Affirmation:

I cherish today, all it has to offer, and appreciate chance to share it with others.

Breakdown:

Spiritual compassion
- Experience quality connection with self and others
- Recognize that, with age, we all get to celebrate what we're still able to do and experience, as our body needs more care and understanding.
- Through journaling, as well as sitting with myself and my feelings
- In morning meditations, incorporate appreciation for my body, my emotions, my thoughts, and my inner self.
- What must I do? Not as much as it seems.
Recognize and appreciate myself
- Detach from the daily (kiteboarding is great for that, as is time in nature)
- Recognize my efforts, appreciate my own accomplishments and than I do many good things
- Feel a sense of peace and contentment for having lived a good life, for being healthy, for being able to
Love and intimacy
- Through quality time with myself, my partner, and my family, experience the beauty of connection and be present with it.
- Ask: what am I blaming myself for? What am I blaming others for?

Of course, this goal encompasses spirituality, and expands on it through recognition and creating stability.

Final Reflection

While 2024 had many stressful moments, it also brought a lot of joy, inner growth, and opportunities for reflection. Here is what I celebrate, most but not least (?):

A continued focus on my body, recovery, strengthening and relieving pain. Working through a variety of modalities (massage, PT, acupuncture, Rossiter, stretching and weight lifting, etc).
Kiteboarding at least 15 days locally, mostly in Wyoming but also in new places (Aurora, Croatia). Kitefoiling locally as well, getting over my fear of that in Mexico.
Spending more time with family
A beautiful trip to Europe, enjoying Ireland, Croatia and Slovenia. I still think about the unlikely chance of discovering raw milk at vending machines in Ljubljana, and enjoying that over and over. I also remember: breakfasts on the beach in Orebic, swimming in lakes in Slovenia, and enjoying a good stew after a chilly walk in Ireland. And driving around everywhere.
Working through and sitting with my anger ("Hulk") and developing tools as well as compassion towards it, integrating and acknowledging there are benefits to anger as an emotion.
Snowboarding early in the year and staying strong on my legs! Enjoying hot tubs and hot chocolate with that.
Strong body 💪, gained some leg, bicep and chest muscles through workouts, especially in September.
Getting into swimming, and going from "man, it's so hard to breathe and I don't know how people can keep going back and forth for so many laps" to swimming 1km with probably a total rest time of 1/3rd or less than when I started swimming 500m!
Playing tennis with dad and being there for him in his struggles later on.
Enjoying lots of chocolate truffles. Mocktails. Making mocktails. Getting into making bread with my partner, and sharing that with others.
Getting a new car, very excited to use that more in the next years!
Using dictation to write part of this blog (although dictating uses different thought muscles than typing, it's interesting).
And many more, I'm forgetting.

My goals for 2025 feel softer, and also an extension of 2024 in many ways. I'm excited to revisit at the end of next year, and of course every week, month and quarter between now and then.

Q3 reflections

2024-11-09T11:13:00-07:00

Preface

Q3 started off with hot weather and 3 kite days within a week - around July 4th. I think that's when I felt I "really made it" as far as kiteboarding in Colorado goes.

Still no car as it's built without airbags, but hopefully it comes through soon.

August started with some family difficulties as my parents are aging, and I almost had to cancel my trip to help. But thankfully my brother was able to, and then there was a lovely trip to Europe. My partner and I visited Slovenia, Croatia and Ireland. I loved something about each. One highlight that was totally unexpected was raw milk, available at vending machines in Slovenia. Incredible! Loved the food, the beaches, the greenery and narrow roads of Ireland, the landscape overall everywhere, and nice people too. Slovenia and Croatia were quite hot, and this is why we don't usually travel in August... It was amazing to see my high school friend and his wife, and spend the day together having food and wine!

I got a LOT of sun this spring/summer/fall, and it felt great. I really wanted the trip as a refresher/step-back from work as I had been kind of burnt out since April. Returned in September and felt more motivated, and was able to continue taking kite-days off, and help with growing the business and closing a new project. I returned with a mission of nurturing my shoulder and elbow, and that's gone fairly well (though I still have the same patterns that make it sore). Lastly but not least, I am determined to see my family twice a month and have been holding to that for September and October! With the holidays now it'll be even easier.

It's nearly halfway through Q3 as I write this, and I'll cover some reflections on October as well while I'm at it. I was able to get about 20 kite days this year in Colorado, which is more than I had in Mexico. So I feel like I'm making the most and embracing the local options. I was even able to foil for a couple of short sessions, and am excited to do that more after I sharpen my skills in Mexico. To end October, I got myself a new kite which arrived in early November.

Got to see some awesome concerts this summer/fall as well: Cold War Kids and Glass Animals!

Did some serious work outs in September especially and going into October, and really strengthened my legs and arms. I've gained muscle as well. This has been going very well this year and I feel in better shape than last year! My weight has been fairly steady around the high 180s, near 190 now, and my waist measurements are unchanged so most of the gain has been muscle. Amazing!

Seeing my parents has been nice as well. I got to play tennis with my dad a few times, and really enjoyed it.

Therapy's been great too, have made some important strides on feeling into anger and frustration, and integrating those into the rest of "me", as opposed to pushing it aside or repressing it. I think it's helped me defuse the feelings more often than not, so I don't "blow up".

Revisit resolutions

Here are 2024's focus areas:

Physical: Steady and Balanced
Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness
Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership
Spiritual: Fly and Play

Physical: Steady and Balanced

I continued assisted/appointment PT, Rossiter and then home-PT. Overall feeling much better, minus the neck/shoulder area.

Celebrations:

Great workouts, did a 4x/week workout + 1 day of swimming consistently for 4 weeks, on top of kiting every other week or so. Once sleep quality declined, I took some rest and then got back into it.
Swimming has been phenomenal. I set a new personal record of swimming 750m in about 30m (and that's about 30 laps of the pool). With breaks of course, but since then I've been swimming about 600m with fewer and fewer breaks, and quicker, and it is starting to get easier (my pulse feels lower, e.g. 140s, as opposed to 150-160). Excited to swim at least 1x/week and even 2x/week during winter. I've gotten really into the flow with it!
20 days of kiting for 2024. I even got to kite 1 day in Orebic Croatia, beautiful waters! Surprisingly many people were out on the water! Mostly windurfers, it's one of the windsurfing meccas of Europe. Kite sessions definitely got long, some days I was able to ride for 3-4 hours in total. Sometimes my left quad would act up, and I got more mindful about my posture on the water which seemed to help. I developed a great routine around my kite trips to Aurora and Hattie, with magnesium spray, snacks, massage gun, enjoying warm lunches and tasty drinks, leaning into warm teas as it got colder. Very fun and rewarding.
I have a good understanding of my left elbow pain, and it seems to be mostly tied to my work posture and typing. My right arm has been doing fine.
Continued PT and scheduled acupuncture as a next step.
Awareness of stress, frustration, and pent-up anger, sitting with that at times has helped. Used the punching bag when I felt into it too
Lots of sun, fun road trips in Croatia
Had some awesome nights of sleep through the night, and generally don't wake up more than 1x/night now, except when I push myself to far that my brain is buzzing all day, or my body is exhausted from workout/long kite days.
Consistent long walks in summer
Happy with my current weight. Would like to continue working out, but also manage to rest right now.
Digestion has continued to be good!
Core workouts have been awesome for kiting! They help with swimming too. Plan to keep doing that at least 1x/week.
No longer sweating excessively. Seemed to be mainly from too much magnesium combined with stress. Instead, I increased potassium and sodium, and my muscles have done better with that as well.
Very strong legs, glutes by the end of the September workout. Feeling solid!

Improvement:

Getting back into yoga/pilates as it gets colder and in between workout breaks
Not as good about taking breaks/resting my eyes as I had some long workweeks, mainly in October.
Still aching in my left neck/shoulder area. Elbow not really aching, but it's all connected.

Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness

Emotionally there was definitely some stress, anger, and sadness around my family. Had a fight with my partner as well and we learned from that, I got to work through it and it's been much better since. We're a team!

My dad is aging and supporting him can be a challenge. Right now it's mostly on my mom, but I try and help (and feel like I should more - guilt). Q3 marked a turning point, late July specifically, and I just want to make sure I spend quality time with my parents. It's been rewarding to be able to do so, and through therapy I'm exploring the feelings of guilt/what I feel I should be doing...

Celebrations:

Supporting family, seeing parents more.
Worked through the fight with my partner and got to explore that more together as well as on my own. It's been helpful and nice to come together.
Enjoying time with the kitties, Olive especially relaxes me and loves to sit in my lap at the start of the workday.
Making friends/kite community (I'm part of a group now)
Great to see my high school best friend and his wife in Croatia!
Therapeutic time in water, exploring sights, walking through European landscapes
Got into a work project and having fun with that! Now to balance it with stepping away/detachment
Continued awareness of stress state/PNS, frustration and anger
Giving myself time to wind down
Found more peace around wind/kite days, deciding when to go vs not. Though I'd still like to debate less...
Really enjoyed making bread and my partner took it to another level!

Room for improvement:

Still chasing. It's an embedded pattern for me, even in ways I reach for relaxation. Just got to be more patient... So, awareness of PNS: yes. Downregulating it: mostly, except on busy days or when I get caught up in something. It has been more rare (1-2x/mo?)
Am not really doing afternoon rests, but maybe in winter I can...

Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership

Pretty similar to Q2. Q3 was definitely more relaxed. I got some guilt off my chest by telling my coworkers I'm probably gonna take it easy for the summer, and I really did. I took a step back and focused on enjoying life for a bit.

That was great, and culminated with a fun and relaxing trip, including chill beach time in Orebic, Croatia.

Made great progress working through my anger, and my sleep has improved from lower stress/less brain buzzing as well.

Celebrations:

Added a noon-ish walk to the workday.
Deep breaths, let go of sense of urgency.
Delivered and followed through at work, was able to hire more folks in October and grow a bit again.
Some full nights of sleep, especially the last couple of weeks: no snacks, sleeping through the night.
Continued to manage my backlog of tasks to unload my brain, prioritizing very well during September and October to continue enjoying kite days.
Finished a Romanian book, finally! Started a second one during my August trip and plan to finish that too.

Room for improvement:

Not as mindful of dorsal/ventral transitions. Want to revisit that more often.
Still chasing/sense of urgency
Want to write in Romanian soon!

Spiritual: Fly and Play

Q3 was my favorite in this dimension. I loved loved loved getting so much sun and spending time in nature. Spending time and Lake Bohinj in Slovenia was beautiful. Other beach time as well. And time at Hattie and Aurora kiting, 20 days overall this year is amazing.

I'm also feeling the joy of spending quality time with the kitties and giving them attention. Watching shows and laughing with my partner. Seeing my parents twice a month.

Enjoying life, as much as possible, I find a lot of peace and acceptance around that.

Quality time with friends has been great too. Playing games. Paddle boarding.

Celebrations:

So much kite time, sun, meeting new wind folks
So much nature time on the trip, and enjoying food, life, walking. Very slow mornings in Ireland at the BnB.
Seeing family and friends
Integrating my anger and embracing it as a human emotion.

Room for improvement

More time with my brother and his kids
Dropped off meditating... Want to pick it back up.
Start a family?

Present and future

Q3 has brought me closer to connection and nature, and also brought some growth in business.

I feel strong and healthy, fitter than last year, and very grateful for the opportunities of this year. I'm glad I was able to step back from work for a few months and enjoy the rest of life more. Great to get into some solid workouts, swimming, tennis with dad, kitefoil a bit in Colorado, and now, as it's getting cold, enjoying warm drinks and wearing slippers :)

I'm more at peace with running the business for now, and hope that the next 6 months will be lower stress on that front.

I look forward to more family time during the holiday season, to continue swimming and workouts, combined with yoga/pilates. Hope to also pick up meditating regularly.

There are some house things to take care of: garden beds, rebuilding a deck, but that's for next spring.

To follow last quarter's ending, here are the top 5 things for the rest of the year:

Stay fit, continue moving
Explore further physical nourishment, reduce pain and discomfort in neck and shoulder: acupuncture, targeted massage, dry needling, PT, and more.
Spend QT with family, parents especially.
Nervous system downtime. Awareness of stress levels and take a step back.
Enjoy the holidays!

Q2 reflections

2024-07-30T17:38:00-06:00

Preface

Q2 started off with some fun adventures and warmer weather. Test driving cars (a new one is due!) and wow, cars have had quite the improvements over the last 10 years. Planting vegetables: carrots, lettuce and arugula, cucumbers, tomatoes... It's been proving to be a tough year for gardening due to high temperatures and basically no rain, but the leafy greens actually did OK.

Got more and more sun as the weather got warmer and days got longer. Finally, come mid-May, I got to kite in cool waters and lukewarm air temps, with gloves! First time ever. And I also got to kite in Aurora in Colorado, before the storm came I had a nice long session, and it was hot - nearly 90 and I was wearing a shorty. That was June. Super fun. Got a lot of windy days this year, I'm counting close to 10 in May and June. So grateful and I must say this has made me happy for weeks upon weeks, and also kept me in shape. My body's been handling it so well, too! I'm feeling more optimistic about foiling in CO/WY someday. This was the first year I got to kite 3 days within a week, and two of them in a row. Lots of driving, someday I hope to camp.

With some breaks, I continued working out and strengthening, and have been steadily increasing weights, maintaining muscle mass, and losing a bit of fat. No easy feat, and I'm finding it hard to gain muscle while losing fat, but I prefer the current tradeoff while I'm in the 180s.

My posture has been better, elbows and knees doing better as well. My neck/shoulder are sort of the last pieces that struggle. I'm doing home PT exercises to help improve my posture and it's slowly steadily working!

Got to spend more time with family, celebrating Easter, birthdays.

Got a new grill and hosted the family over. Watched lots of tennis with my partner, we had fun getting into it. As it got warmer, we had more mocktails. I've barely had any alcohol in Q2. Paddle boarded. Enjoyed a concert at Red Rocks. Had fun hand-making a gift for my partner. Got cornhole and enjoyed playing that with her as well.

Got some great tips and insights from my business group. Mainly, to organize the team a bit better so less falls on me. And then being able to share with the team how I honestly feel, and that I'd like to take advantage of the downtime instead of pushing myself for more work for a bit. Also took advantage of the downtime to catch up on long awaited business items and enjoy building a team. Grateful for a few opportunities to hire folks on new projects, started at least 2 new substantial projects in Q2 and continued hiring. Considering the tougher times the past year or so, it's been really good.

I think I am most grateful that I got to enjoy life outside of work, and was able to step away from stress, spend more time with family, getting sun, out in nature, at hot springs, disconnect.

My relationships are doing better, and I feel more like a team with my partner. There is work to do, for me personally on my inner anger and frustration. For the relationship, on communication and expectations. But we're in a bit better place than a couple months ago. Having more free time has also made it easier for me to be present.

Did not manage to get a car, but that's due to a long waitlist for hybrids. Ugh, a tradeoff. Patiently waiting can be hard!

Revisit resolutions

Here are 2024's focus areas:

Physical: Steady and Balanced
Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness
Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership
Spiritual: Fly and Play

Physical: Steady and Balanced

I continued assisted/appointment PT, Rossiter and then home-PT. Overall feeling much better, minus the neck/shoulder area.

Celebrations:

Continued workouts and ramping up weights and difficulty
10 days of kiting, seriously got some long sessions - 2.5+ hours a day a couple of times, 1.5 hours maybe longest session. Felt amazing. Sometimes my knees/quads would be tired and sore, but they recovered fairly quickly and I nurtured them and gave them rest, magnesium spray, massage gun, etc.
Elbow pain even less than Q1, mostly left now.
Consistent PT at home
Awareness of stress levels. More patience with myself, healing, and more compassion for how I'm feeling.
Enjoying the sun, the water, road trips/driving.
Sleeping better since I made my bedroom darker. Still wake up around 2-3am, but usually fall back asleep within an hour.
Longer walks, enjoying evenings especially.
So grateful and confident about my kite flying skills. Had some amazing sessions and managed to get through lulls/gusts by using the right kite size and moving it consistently.
Trampolining
Continued to lose another pound or two. Arm measurements has dropped a bit more, as has waist. Gaining strength, though.
Digestion has been very good!
Added in core workouts to support my kiting, lower back, and work posture. It's been going well, even just 5-10m 3x/week!
Taking breaks at work, resting my eyes - easier during downtimes.

Improvement:

Punching bag a bit, also found other ways to release frustration
Didn't do as much yoga/pilates in Q2. I did stretch, used foam roller and massage gun more though.
Still want to get back into swimming
Still aching in my left neck/shoulder area.
Kept up with cardio for most of Q1, but heading into Q2 kind of lost that habit.
Excessive sweating - palms, feet and armpits. Has gotten better end of Q2, something to keep an eye on. Could be a release of pent up stress and anxiety? Plus hot weather.

Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness

Emotionally I've been releasing more emotions and enjoying a more relaxed schedule. Still feeling quite tense in my neck and shoulders though.

Q2 has definitely been calmer so on that note, things have been going very well.

Celebrations:

Continued therapy
Meditations, workouts, emotional releases
Played with friends, spent time with family, grilled
Made friends/connections kiteboarding, some of which I hope to see again soon!
More detached from work, relaxed more in the afternoons.
Connected more deeply with my partner
Continued awareness of stress state/PNS
Taking it easier in evenings, doing nothing a bit here and there

Room for improvement:

Still tensing myself up, chasing stuff during the workday and sometimes after, trying to keep busy.
Had a difficult disagreement with my partner, still processing that.
Would still like to see my parents more

Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership

As noted, patience overall is doing well. I still tend to run in alert-mode, but it's been easier not to. I worked on average fewer hours in May and June. April was still stressful. June especially was more relaxing and I felt the spaciousness of shorter workdays and fun activities.

Unfortunately my anger still reared its head and I'm looking at working through that in therapy the rest of this year.

Celebrations:

More breaks through the workday. Walks. Trampoline.
Deep breaths, let go of sense of urgency.
Lead the team compassionately, share how I'm doing and my struggles.
Very rarely mind spinning at night. Typically slept without struggle.
Great practice keeping a backlog of my daily tasks and prioritizing those week to week.
Been reading a Romanian book more steadily. Past halfway?

Room for improvement:

Not as mindful of dorsal/ventral transitions. Want to revisit that more often.
Still chasing/sense of urgency
Want to write in Romanian soon!

Spiritual: Fly and Play

Just spending time in the sun and nature, on long drives, on lakes kiteboarding has been very spiritual. Continued to meditate and reflect on my life as well. As I'm getting older, parents as well, there is more opportunity to focus on what really matters. Connection and shared experiences.

Celebrations:

Seeing family and friends
Nature time. Really enjoying being out on the water, driving there and back. Patiently waiting for the wind.
Meditating 1x/day
Enjoyed a trip to BV to relax at the hot springs. Walks. Taking it easy. Sleeping in and taking slow mornings.
Sharing how I'm doing with my team at work and feeling supported there.

Room for improvement

More time with family
Second daily meditation
Spend more time with friends, this has been tough in Q1.
Cultivate sense of connection with others and nature more

Present and future

Q2 has made me happier to be alive, love and be loved. Just being able to get some sun, free time, people time, make new friends, kiteboard my butt off, feel supported, and overall enjoy being in Colorado and being outside, all really helped.

I'm still questioning the future of running a business, but having had an easier couple of months I'm at least getting back some energy to continue and contribute.

Overall, it feels like the first half of this year flew by. I feel a bit better about life and the future, with the exception of my parents aging and wanting to spend more time with them. As time passes, they may need cared for more and we may want to live closer together. Hopefully that doesn't all come down at once, and we get more years able to enjoy family time without serious health challenges.

To follow last quarter's ending, here are the top 5 things for Q3:

Process anger, frustration
Deeper dive into partner relationship, process our (anti-)patterns
Nervous system downtime. Enjoy August trip/vacation.
Continue physical exercise: cardio, kite, workout, yoga, release.
See parents monthly.

Q1 reflections

2024-04-21T12:36:00-06:00

Preface

Q1 started off OK after Q4 ramped up with more business. I had to work hard on a project deadline which kept creeping towards end of February. I had a nice long trip planned for 3 weeks during this time, and balancing the work with the trip was challenging at times.

Overall it was a great time though, and despite my posture and working either from bed or at a tiny table, my elbows actually recovered. That's even with increased kiteboarding each day! I was really grateful to make some friends at the beach and work through some fears of foiling, as the year prior I had some fairly scary kitemares, while learning to foil. In the end, I returned home more fit, more tan, and more recovered physically. This time, my knees and elbows both felt better than before.

I've continued with physical therapy and working out as I got home, getting plenty of sun, and even snowboarding - I was able to enjoy 5 more days on the slopes, a hot tub, hot chocolate and fun times with a friend. Work never did really get less busy, and had to deal with a whirlwind of adventures with employees leaving, conflicts, and new projects coming about. I was juggling too much.

April started out busy as well, yet as I'm writing this the first "chill" weekend has arrived, and also possibly the last snowy set of days. I'm excited to start the warmer season in Colorado, hopefully with more rain, and windy days for kiting.

These busy times also brought some strain on my relationships, and I'm looking forward to nurturing myself and my close ones through Q2. I'm also looking forward to a trip to the hot springs, and booking more travel for later this year.

I had some help in counseling, and am grateful to have the support that I have. And lastly, hoping to get a car in Q2, it's time to upgrade!

Revisit resolutions

Here are 2024's focus areas:

Physical: Steady and Balanced
Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness
Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership
Spiritual: Fly and Play

Physical: Steady and Balanced

I have definitely ingrained in myself a more gradual approach to overall physical endeavors. I've been keeping up consistent physical therapy, working out, and hobbies/sports. I managed my knees well through 15 days of kiteboarding/foiling, and was able to return to working out - now at roughly 10 weeks of workouts, without any significant knee pain. I did step back when legs were feeling it: getting massages, PT, massage gun, baths, etc. I even bumped my knee snowboarding and managed that well.

Celebrations:

Steady, gradual exercise and demands of my body
Reduced elbow pain, though it has returned partially on the right elbow since February
Consistent PT
Awareness of ventral vs dorsal / lower my nervous system alertness overall
Digestion, CGM experiments, overall steady even with the travels to Mexico
Consistent workouts, including heavy on the squats - days where I was able to do nearly 50 squats + other leg workouts, some with weights! Super proud and excited about this.
Loving the sun, especially during my trip
Some solid days of sleep in a row, sleeping through the night.
Consistent about walking, too
Mostly consistent about 1x a week yoga or pilates
Improved kitefoiling skills enough where I would try wingfoiling next year
Still trampolining here and there
Overall lost about 5lbs since Q4, and muscle measurements have not dropped a lot (lost some in the arm). I wouldn't say halfway there on the muscle gain, but the fat loss has gone well.
Very committed to stomach acid improvements, bitters, ACV. I look forward to more on this.

Improvement:

Still no punching bag
Still want to get back into swimming
Still stressing out my posture: neck and shoulders
Kept up with cardio for most of Q1, but heading into Q2 kind of lost that habit.
Not doing both yoga and pilates, would like to.
Keep at it with PT and reduce strain on my elbows during work

Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness

Emotionally I've been quite stressed in 2024, and I've felt it and my relationship at home has felt it too. That said, I've also had some great releases, and the trip was lovely and therapeutic, even with the additional stress for a project. There was quite a bit out of my control in business, with turnover and new projects clashing at once.

I really hope things calm down in Q2, so I can renew my efforts to downregulate my nervous system.

Celebrations:

Good therapy sessions, working through my self-imposed burdens.
Fun with kitties
Shopping for a new car, exciting!
Meditations, workouts, emotional releases - though more needed.
Played board games with friends
Handled difficult professional situations. Didn't lose as much sleep over them as I used to
Good about taking deep breaths, horsey lips, shaking off the tightness. Baths (though could do more of those)
Had some nice family time for birthday celebrations

Room for improvement:

Still chasing, busy, on alert. I have a somewhat toxic relationship with pushing through when work gets busy, and neglecting other aspects of my life and myself.
Didn't really meet new people, outside of my trip.
I miss connecting deeper and more quality time with my partner, and make her feel loved more.
Would like to see my parents more
Didn't really take time in the afternoons to relax.

Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership

I had more patience with others and even myself, though the challenge was getting through the busy times. Holding it together was challenging at times, and I could do with more self-compassion.

Overall though I managed stress best I could. I do have periods when I pay special attention to my stress levels, and enjoy the sun/walks/day more. But when times get busy, that's when I have a hard time keeping up with healthy habits. I tend to lose my roots and my tranquility.

Celebrations:

Consistent minimal breaks throughout the day - 2-3 walks, looking out the window
Spent more time in PNS during the start of the year. Struggled to continue this in March.
Mindful of dorsal/ventral transitions and practicing those with intention. This was a good outcome of therapy that I hope to build on top of.
Lead the team compassionately through challenging times.

Room for improvement:

Could rest more and leave more space instead of pushing through, still
Daily plan - break down what I must do for the day, leave more room, don't fret so much
Still addicted/chasing that sense of urgency
Have yet to read or write Romanian, gotta!

Spiritual: Fly and Play

I've deepened my connection to my body and emotions. I can tell more frequently when my body is stressed, or my emotions are flowing through. For example, had times dancing when shivers released through my whole body. Moments of joy. Moments of appreciation.

Celebrations:

Enjoying play with the kitties, even when I'm busy
Meditating 1x/day 20m again, feels good
Enjoyed some beautiful nature time at McIntosh Lake in early April - technically this is Q2, but it was so lovely I had to write it down
Enjoyed beautiful nature time in Mexico. Enjoyed many walks in Colorado, spring flowers, gardening, planting veggies, and more.
Felt more in tune with myself, my nervous system, my vicious circles of thought.

Room for improvement

Appreciate family more, more often.
Meditate that second time a day, though I do manage to dedicate 20m now so I'm content.
Spend more time with friends, this has been tough in Q1.

Present and future

Q1 ended in a busy haze, and I'm just now coming out of the feelings of anxiety and stress from that. I hope that, through Q2, spring, warmer weather, longer days, and a healthier business, I will be able to break through another level of nervous system stress, and generally spend more time relaxed and less time chasing/pushing through.

I'll wrap up this post with the top 5 things I'd like to focus more on in Q2:

Nurture. Myself. My partner.
1. Tranquility. Nervous system downtime.
Swim, punch bag, kite, workout, and otherwise physically release frustration
Play more.
Make friends. Connect with people. Laugh more.

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2023-12-17T12:19:00-07:00

Why?
Gut check
2023 in review
What now?
Final reflection

Why?

Why do these resolutions? To add purpose (direction), growth and focus on what I value.

Continuing with a top-down, intentional approach, and key results added and connected after.

Past: 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.

Gut check

I like to start with a quick gut check - what's top of mind for 2024? What powerful questions can I ask?

Questions:

How would I like to feel by EOY 2024? What would serve me most? Generally, health and balance. Sustainability. Feeling strong and sharp, fit, focused, etc.
What would I like to have by EOY 2024? A family, at least as many friends, and fond memories and experiences.
I would also like my aches and stress levels to be lower, to be overall content and feel energetic.

The theme word for 2024 is tranquility. I think about warmth, connectedness and safety as part of that - the ability to relax and feel in a good place.

The main focus is on my nervous system - downregulating, spending more time in PNS (parasympathetic nervous system). On the personal front, the focus is on reducing mental and emotional alertness, and physical stress so my muscles can truly relax and let go. On the business front, it's about not taking everything so seriously, to be urgent or needed to be done, and letting more things move along on their own.

Sticking with max 4 top-level items for each goal.

2023 in review

2023 was a more stressful year than usual.

On the business front, demand for software contracts went downhill fast and stayed there through most of the year. Closing projects was tough. Some very large payments were delayed until Q4 and that put a strain on the business overall. Couldn't extend all contractors and lost an employee as well. It was rough. Made it difficult to rest and enjoy time away from work.
On the personal front, I started the year by overdoing a workout program and busting up my knees. I was discouraged for many months. On the upside, I was able to enjoy my February kite trip all the way until the end. Then, later in the year, my upper body - shoulder and neck - started acting up, and I'm still working through that. Ah, the joys of an aging body and long-term patterns of computer work and other hobbies...

Opportunities:

Started Q1 with investment in sales and business development, learned some useful strategies for growing and closing projects.
Was able to host a team building again, despite economic pressures. Small but fun!
Learned a lot about recovery - tried Rossiter's, a very interesting technique for tissue recovery and had great results for my knees/legs overall. They are 90+% recovered now! At the end of the year learned about dry needling and physical therapy overall, and am excited to continue with that to help recover my upper body and improve my posture overall. In November my left elbow started hurting and I'm currently working through that, I'm cautiously optimistic.
Learned to kitefoil. I'm very grateful to have been able to do that in my mid-30s. It wasn't easy and this is probably the year I got the most bruises and scars since I started kiting, but it was also exhilarating, fun and challenging. It gave me reasons to stay strong through the year, which I really did.
I'm the heaviest I've been but not by a lot - roughly 195 lbs. Last year I was mostly around 190 and the year before 180-185. Most of the gain is muscle, though some is fat which I'll be working on trimming in 2024. I've definitely managed to maintain my muscle and strength through 2022, and continued to exercise in 2023 despite the injuries. I'm looking forward to building up strength again in 2024.
Lastly and also very important, my home life has a good balance and I find my relationship with my partner to continue growing and provide contentment and some excitement still. I also started doing therapy/counseling this year in Q2, and have been very consistent about with helpful insights into my past and my relationship. More coming on this, and it's really great to be able to have support and growth in this area.

Overall, even though some of the physical and mental (business) challenges this year were quite rough, I was able to enjoy growth and learning in more ways than I expected. However, I see that the level of stress I've experienced is not sustainable and I feel a strong need to devote energy in ways that help with recovery and an overall lower baseline of stress.

For 2023, my goals were:

Physical: Bolster and Balance
Emotional: Kindness and Support
Mental: Guide and Surrender
Spiritual: Float and Observe

Physical: Bolster and Balance

Grade: B-

Affirmation:

I bolster my muscles so my body feels balanced and strong. I nourish my body with care and patience so it can support me and my adventures.

I encountered many challenges in 2023 with my body - muscles and stress being very affected. I don't feel as fit as I did by EOY 2022. My sleep has been solid for many months now though, and my knees have been mostly recovered since mid-summer. A challenge going into 2024 is the overall stress and tension in my upper body - neck, shoulders and arms. I'll feel a lot better once I can release some of the stress and tension accumulated there, and maintain a healthier baseline.

I also didn't take as much time off this year as usual, due to business stresses. That would have helped my physical recovery too, I'm sure.

I'd give myself a B+ if it wasn't for these challenges and setbacks. I was hoping to continue strengthening my body and have barely managed to maintain my 2022 levels. While I healed my lower body, the upper body's in worse shape. I've dropped off doing yoga almost entirely, though I continue working out 2-3x/week.

Well:

Improved nutrition and experimentation. Low fiber for a while which did help with gas and bloating.
Improved blood sugar levels. This has got to be one of the biggest wins of the year. Used CGMs repeatedly to experiment and learn that a low carb diet is not great for my blood sugar. Seems counter-intuitive, right? But I've confirmed multiple times that high fat/low carb is taxing for my body. The higher carbs probably contributed to gaining some weight, but I'm very glad that my average blood sugar has dropped, probably by 10 points or so into the mid-80s.
Continued maintaining a healthy gut with diverse microbiome. Hit over a year of raw milk consumption now. Experimented with gluten again to confirm I'm somewhat sensitive to it, OK in low doses.
Got plenty of sun, IR/NIR, blue blocking in the evenings, reduced bright lights and have circadian-friendly lighting in the bedroom. Even got a bedroom lamp at the end of the year and enjoying that, and a Vit D lamp as well that definitely helps with sleep in the winter. Exciting stuff!
Went another year without COVID, basically - well, I suppose I had it since my partner did, but other than a scratchy throat one evening and maybe feeling a bit tired, I had absolutely no symptoms. Crazy to think it's 4 years since the pandemic started and this was "the first time". I haven't had a shot in 2 years now either, so I'm not even sure if the vaccine made much of a difference in 2023, but it likely helped in previous years.
Used the trampoline for sure. Mounted the punching bag and used it less than a handful of times - could use more
Continued to invert and care for my neck. Used the massage gun extensively and even got a nicer one.
Got back into swimming in Q4

Nell:

Didn't use the kettlebell and I'd like to. It should help with posture and elbows.
Want to use the trampoline more regularly
Barely swam, want to do more in 2024 and stick to weekly.
Sore neck/shoulders/elbow - big reason for the lower grade. I worked too hard in November and December without breaks.
More headaches due to long workdays/sessions at PC without resting eyes and posture

Intention:

Feel strong and balanced in posture and digestion.

It almost seems like an A except that I don't feel nearly as good as I could be feeling.

Emotional: Kindness and Support

Grade: B+

Affirmation:

I listen patiently and appreciate myself and others first, and support with questions and ideas second.

I lived by this in my work very well, learned a lot about sales, business development, managing my team and dealing with stressful situations in a healthier way. In years past I lost more sleep over work issues, so overall I feel good about how I dealt with challenges, though I did stress too much at times. For example, when things did go very south with a client project that ended up terminating early and I felt bad for that for days. I touched on this in Q2 reflections.

I found less self-blame but still had a hard time letting things go, mostly due to ongoing stress. In my personal relationships things grew steadily and found more balance. I spent less time with family than I'd like, but it went well. I thank my brother as well for providing some detachment/perspective on dealing with work issues more patiently.

Well:

Seeing a therapist regularly
Made a new friend and got back into snowboarding for the first time in 5 years!
Reminders to support my partner weekly in different ways
Spent QT with kitties and watched them grow. Managed to put up a christmas tree and not have it be totally destroyed.
Was kind to coworkers and friends, partner.
Reduced self-blame
Used the punching bag a couple of times when I got angry and frustrated
Measuring my stress levels daily, and then only when it's a 4/10 or above - helped me become more aware of when I tend to stress and how I deal with it. More on this will be good.
Enjoyed a relaxing beach vacation in Jamaica!

Nell:

Did not talk to current friends more. Got busy, tired, etc
Didn't contribute as much in the kitchen as past years, leaving more on my partner.
High levels of stress due to business downturns
Some challenges with friends, partner, family, but probably exacerbated by work stressors more than anything. Times of anger and frustration.
Could have "given first" more often.

Intention:

Show kindness and support to myself and others.

While I've grown in this area, there is still quite a bit of room for self-kindness and finding ways to release stress as it accumulates. That's the main takeaway for 2024: lower that average stress. How? That's the challenge. I need some tools and I'm skeptical of their success.

Mental: Guide and Surrender

Grade: A-

Affirmation:

I lean into my senses, breathe, and surrender to what's coming up.

I had some mental struggles with stress this year for sure, but also let go of things a bit more easily than I expected. Given the ongoing challenges with business and physical pain, I'll cut myself some slack and grade for how I coped - which is ultimately all I can control when challenges arise.

Well:

Guided others well and mindfully. Increased awareness and context on this.
Paid attention to my levels of stress very diligently for at least 4 months.
Organized with lists/must-dos when there was too much going on, and that helped. Didn't really use the list to induce more of a relaxed state though. I did use the Delegate Doc/Daily list when things got busy, and still use it now for biz.

Nell:

Still did not step away as much as I should have. But I did let things go and come back to them later, with more ease than before.
Took some deep breaths but not enough. Still lived in a heightened state too much.
Make lists to help get to a relaxed state, and allow more time than I think I need - 2-3x more, to leave room for recovery and downregulation.

Intention:

Nudge my thoughts in a direction that serves me.

Overall this goal was kind of loose and I didn't have great ways to measure. The nervous system alertness/stressors and ongoing pushing myself are the main drawbacks - but some of those were really tough due to external circumstances. Of what was within my control, a big victory was being able to guide others and improve my overall people skills and conflict approach. On that front it's an A+, but the B stuff is in how I dealt with ongoing stress, not resting enough and pushing myself with that sense of urgency. When shit hit the fan I jumped around and tried to do everything in one day, so I worked quite a few late days.

Spiritual: Float and Observe

Grade: A-

Affirmation:

I appreciate my life, my body, my people, my plants, my self and my loved ones, with all the support and love shared everywhere

Well:

Regular baths
Enjoyed inner journeys and weekly transformations with medicinal plants
Enjoyed kiting, visited the Wyoming lake even more and had some beautiful days there. Also tried it in Longmont once for fun
Explored Saratoga WY and nearby areas, hot springs, walks. Got more plants at home and took care of them. Enjoy planted tulips from last year. Trimmed roses and took care of the trees.
Continued meditation
Awareness of stress and related patterns, to some extent
Did find dealing with work challenges easier and learned some tools for that.
Made it through 2023 with a decent size business and revenue.

Nell:

Didn't leave enough time for stress levels to come down, especially on the body, but also on the mind/emotions on busy days
Downgraded to 15m meditations, want to go back to 20m
Didn't really feel inspired or connected to the world as much, possibly due to stress.

Intention:

Float and observe closely.

Overall I felt compassion and beauty in the world around me.

2022 goals

Quick review of 2022's goals, what's changed after another year?

Physical: Move with Ease
- [-] Better digestion and learned some more with a hair tissue mineral analysis (HTMA) test. Reducing fibers helped the most with bloat and gas, starchy foods were fine actually.
- [+] Better glucose management
- [+] Got back into swimming, though didn't do it enough.
- [-] Worse headaches than last year. Not too bad but noticeably more.
Emotional: Embrace What Is
- [+] Took a proper beach vacation in Jamaica and really enjoyed it, no work, not much of anything but chillin'
- [-] Still struggling to step away on busy days, and my brain would sometimes be fried - headaches, eye sores.
  - [+] Got more eye relaxing tools though to use
  - New year I'd like to set a goal of 5 work hours a day. Everything beyond is a bonus.
- [-] Still struggling to do nothing on weekdays
- [+] Enjoyed doing nothing for an hour most Sundays
- [+/-] Haven't been doing business coaching, but got help with sales/bizdev, and personally with therapy
Mental: Part of a Whole
- [-] Deep breaths were not enough this year. I need to do more. Still could be just 5-10 min break.
  - I did rearrange my desk to look out the window and am excited to do that more.
- [+] Continued to use trampoline, inversion table, neck pillow
- [-] Still struggling with "one more thing and then I'm done", perhaps making a list and classifying by urgency - what can wait? would help. Also taking breaks and working later is better than pushing through
- [-] Still spending too much time in a stressful state
Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration
- [-] Busy mind, stress
- [+] Collaboration. Empathy at work. People skills.

What now?

My theme for 2024 is tranquility. It's about taking things as they come and not amping myself up on the daily. Letting challenges unfold and only tackling what's truly needed.

I'm even more proud this year for quarterly reflections and even wrote a quick blog post about migrating Android SMS backups. Being able to consistently review where I am and where I want to be helps keep things in perspective, and I was able to write without overthinking each paragraph.

If it was December 2024 and I looked back on the year, where would I want to be?

Physical: Steady and Balanced
Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness
Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership
Spiritual: Float and Observe

Physical: Steady and Balanced

For 2024, my main focus on the physical front is to see steady improvement. Don't try to go too far and injure myself. Don't be impatient and try to "heal quickly".

Intention:

Steadily take care of my body, daily, consistently.

Affirmation:

I give my body the time and rest it needs to heal and strengthen between the times I push. I know I can push hard, but can I "rest hard"?

Do a few small things consistently and patiently wait for improvement. Aim for balance instead of skyrocketing in any way. Better to gain a little bit of strength, reduce the pain bit by bit, and improve my overall posture over months, rather than try to rush or give up altogether.

Heal my aches
- Heal my shoulder with PT and at-home exercises
- Strengthen my posture. Take breaks
- Continue maintaining knees, strong glutes
- Watch out for eye strain and any prolonged periods of strain on my posture from desk work
Sustainably active
- Swim 1x/week
- Yoga at least 1x/week
- Weight workouts at least 2x/week
- Cardio at least 1x/week
- Improve kitefoiling just so I eventually get into wingfoiling - could be 2024
- Ultimate goal here: trim body. Lose some fat, gain more muscle. Perhaps -5lbs with increased bicep and reduced waist measurements.
Continue focus on digestion, use insights from HTMA results
- Reduce felt stress on an ongoing basis
- Measure with CGM again and pay attention to diet
- Eat more plants and fiber again
- Increase stomach acid: take bitters, apple cider vinegar (cobalt phosphorus and copper low-ish)
- Maybe try taurine for heavy metals
- Get another HTMA test mid-year
  - Hope for lower oxidative number (<3)
  - Hope for reduced signs of long term stress

Emotional: Warmth and Connectedness

In 2023 I stressed a lot about work and also some personal things, especially how my body was doing. Instead of stress, I want to appreciate and feel into whatever comes up, reminding myself that everything is OK at any moment.

Intention:

Feel warm and safe and loved and connected. Everything is OK.

Affirmation:

I love my life and appreciate what I have every moment. I'm surrounded by caring, kind people.

It's kind of the same idea as my physical goals. Sounds kinda boring maybe, but I just want to feel relaxed and content with the daily life, and not fret so much about what's going poorly.

Let go
- Let go of stress
- Take deep breaths. Belly breaths. PT exercises that involve letting go and unlearning those stress postures
- Downregulate nervous system and spend more time in PNS
Family time
- Connect emotionally with my partner
- Contribute at home. Help my partner out.
- Family time and be present with them
- Meet new people
Afternoon rests
- Find time each afternoon, even just 20 minutes, to relax, belly breathe, appreciate another day well-lived (or not well lived, but survived lol)
Work through past burdens
- Part of my therapy

Mental: Tranquility, Roots and Leadership

Again with the high levels of stress from 2023, my focus for 2024 is to take things piecemeal and remember that nearly everything can wait and isn't earth shattering.

Intention:

Remember my roots and lead with patience and compassion.

Affirmation:

I am unshaken, a pillar or a strong tree, rooted in my Romanian past and leading a collaborative team/environment.

The main one here is to relax my mind and not always be thinking I must be doing something. As a simple and "feels dumb that I think like this" example, even when my partner is off doing her own thing, I'm thinking I must be doing something so I don't "fall behind" or "miss out" or "wish I'd been doing something". This urge to be doing something is strong and I've tried many things with little to moderate success. At the end of the day, it's possible that quick releases + periods of "sitting around" would do the trick? Talk to people and see.

Spend more time in PNS
- Add some routines through the day to relax and create space. Allowing the mind to find rest/reduced alertness
- Work on releasing sense of urgency, afternoon breaks of some sort
- Ask PT and therapist about ideas here, discuss why I feel the way I do or how to adjust my perspective. Come up with concrete things and try them.
- Examples from top 10 playlist: "I always must be doing something", "This is not good enough", analyzing or second guessing decisions, rehearsing todos and thinking of things to check off
Strengthen Romanian roots
- Read 2 Romanian books. I missed out on that this year. I started a book but barely read 10 pages.
- Write 1 Romanian blog post
- Maybe have some intentional medicinal inner journeys in Romanian. Journal in Romanian.
Compassionate leadership
- Lead at business with compassion, patience, empathy, understanding, etc.
- Network and maintain relationships with clients, contractors, etc

Spiritual: Fly and Play

Spiritually I do feel a bit more lost, and I've been wondering if that's because I'm getting what I need so I can't think of what's missing? I think in part that's true. With the amazing nature journeys this year in Saratoga, kiting and learning to foil, medicinal journeys at home and a decently long few-week period of dreams sort of "forecasting" what's about to happen, I felt surprisingly content with my spirits. The stress weighed on me though, so a bit more deliberate practice and appreciation for the spirit would be helpful.

Intention:

Live like a bird. Relaxed on a branch. Ready to fly and play in the wind.

Affirmation:

I am one with those around me. Nature protects me. All is well in the present moment.

Family
- Start a family
- Enjoy time with kitties
- Appreciate family and friends and find ways to love and give to them more
  - How can I make this more concrete?
Experience tranquility and peace
- Feel solidarity with the world and with those close to me.
- Meditate 2x/day OR 20m at once
- Continued inner journeys.
Nature and beauty
- Spend time in nature. Explore somewhere new. Enjoy the usual places fully, presently.
- Appreciate the beauty around me. Kitties. Partner. My own body as it is.

Final Reflection

Even with all the setbacks in 2023, there was a lot of good stuff. I'm grateful for what this year has taught me, and for all of the accomplishments, opportunities, and fortunes that came my way. It may have gone by even faster than 2022, but there was more newness, I feel.

Here are some celebrations from 2023:

Starting off with a strong workout program that eventually went too far and taught me to heal and recover.
Learning to kitefoil in my favorite place in Mexico, and taking that to Colorado even. Enjoying many days in Wyoming kiteboarding, pacing myself well, using knee sleeves to stay safe.
Many hot springs and baths, PT, massage and much self care. Soaking in 109F hot springs in Saratoga.
Family time, travel to my partner's family to meet 4th nephew/niece! Time with kitties. Teaching me to become more tender and child-like :)
Getting back into snowboarding after a 5-year break and jumping right in. Enjoying a hot tub after to aid recovery, so nice!
Continuing to work out and keep my body in shape despite setbacks and injuries. I've been consistent about body measurements so I know I've maintained good metrics. Learning about recovery from PT and Rossiter's.
Consistently doing therapy for self growth and understanding. Excited for more of this in 2024!
Had a very sweet birthday celebration this year, with friends and games and laughs!
Great metrics on blood sugar and learning more about my digestion.
Enjoyed many concerts and shows this year. To name a few: Dermot Kennedy. Ed Sheeran filled a record stadium attendance. Lord Huron. Hip Hop Nutcracker. That 1 guy. Riverdance 25th anniversary. TedX Boulder returned. The Taste Walkabout foodie walk. Loveland Chocolate Festival.
Ate amazing foods - Lanna food at Waldo Thai in KC. Amazing fine dining at the Wolf's Taylor in Denver.
Relaxed in Jamaica, enjoyed the sun, sea, pool and food.
Watched a lot of tennis - Grand Slam Tournaments.

Although it doesn't feel as inspired as other years, I'm excited for 2024 to heal, grow, and feel relaxed and content with my life. It's time to give myself and others the tranquility we all neglect to take in.

2023 Q3 Reflections

2023-10-15T16:51:00-06:00

Preface

Entering the last quarter of the year. Q3 was... summery.

July brought with it a trip to California to get some kiteboarding, kitesurfing and kitefoiling in. After learning earlier this year I've gotten more comfortable on the foil, though I'm looking forward to switch to the wing instead of kite for safety. Got back into PT and I was nervous going into it, how my body would take it, but things have gotten even better since - my knees are almost back to their January levels, and it's encouraged me to keep getting stronger.

Work started getting busier and in August things picked up even more. August is a great month to celebrate in my personal life - family time was very sweet. Enjoyed a very fancy meal at the Wolf's Taylor in Denver. Some projects didn't work out and had to navigate losing a team member. Got to see Ed Sheeran at the Broncos stadium, setting a new record 85K people. Also got to see beatiful parts of Wyoming and enjoy some (super hot) hot springs while fully disconnecting (no cell coverage!).

In September a lot happened! Won a project. Enjoyed the Taste Walkabout, sampling lots of restaurants in Fort Collins. Went to a chocolate festival that was wayy too crowded, attended TEDx and played board games with friends. Paddle boarding was a big theme this quarter overall, went several times and loved it. Also went kiteboarding in Wyoming every couple of weeks, it was a very good year for it!

Q3 also brought a garden harvest, Tomatoes, bell peppers.

Revisit resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Bolster and Balance
Emotional: Kindness and Support
Mental: Guide and Surrender
Spiritual: Float and Observe

Physical: Bolster and Balance

My knees have been doing better, while my posture feels like it's gotten a bit worse. Things have also gotten busier at work and some weeks were busy overall. I felt this weight at times. I'd say my knees are closer to 90% now, while my posture is maybe at 60% - I'll be looking for some new types of PT and returning to a favorite past massage therapist.

I managed to grow more muscle mass again in September, with a 30-day workout challenge. My sleep suffered a bit as a result, but I managed to keep my weight relatively steady while building muscle, and my measurements returned to peaks of 2022!

My digestion had its ups and downs, but is overall steady. After many months break, I used a CGM again and confirmed that my average glucose has really dropped, and likely other metrics have improved as well. I got a mineral analysis and the implications were digestive as well - low stomach acid, not absorbing magnesium. I look forward to addressing these next. Sleep has gotten much better and a key factor was vitamin D - sun, milk, and more.

Celebrations:

Solid workout, kiting, awareness of posture changes
Digestive improvements, reduced bloat, lower average glucose and more balanced blood sugar
Inversion table, neck pillow and daily stretches are still on track (with hip hinges, glute bridges and lunges)
Soaking the sun
Walked a lot and plan to continue this
Used weights, though not the kettlebell
Got back into trampolining, though still only 2x/week

Improvement:

Still no punching back, but I got it mounted at a better height, which should be easier.
Still want to get back into swimming. Did a bit here and there, but very inconsistent
Digestive bitters and minerals, should help adrenals too (high-ish cortisol mornings)

Emotional: Kindness and Support

Emotionally I'm feeling optimistic. I'm writing this just coming off a beach vacation in Jamaica (more on this next quarter), so I may be a bit biased, but I was feeling relief a few weeks ago before starting the trip.

Things are getting busier, but I'm managing to disconnect from work, and be aware when my body talks to me and my stress levels rise. I've been keeping up the habit of tracking my levels, except now I only write when it's a 4 or above, or I notice substantial change (like today I wrote a 3 because it feels busy, but I'm not stressed yet).

Having the punching bag installed should help me release some additional frustrations :)

Celebrations:

Continued to see therapist
Kitties got even sweeter, feels like, and they turned 1 in Q3!
I feel I've been kinder to myself, and others. Maybe it's the kitties being so darn cute.
Played board games with friends
Handled more difficult professional situations well. Found some exciting people and connections to grow with into the future and feeling most optimistic since about a year ago!
Continued to socialize kiting, took a trip with one of my closest friends, and attended lots of events that lifted spirits - concerts, TEDx, food, hot springs... ahh, therapy!

Room for improvement:

Talk to current friends more, I miss them
Find new friends, meetup/group.
Being kinder, especially to myself. I self blame a bit less, but still feel like I'm running behind or stress about time.
Could feel more giving and give more

Mental: Guide and Surrender

I'm still practicing stress rating and am glad it's a habit when stress arises. I've definitely felt less frustrated towards the end of the quarter, but the middle had some tough moments and late nights.

I do feel more aware of my thoughts and not beating myself up as much. Lately, stress has been more from difficult situations. Feeling less panic, more worry and concern.

An example challenge was losing a team member unexpectedly. I wondered if there's much I could have done to change it. And other things happened that felt outside of my control, I went through a phase where I felt that people are just not reliable or not following through - things just weren't working out. After a few weeks though, the momentum shifted.

I'm also working on "My story" and assembling fragments of my family tree, family history. It's been fun, and quite a project.

Celebrations:

Awareness of stress, body
More breaks, more walks, managed to recover from longer days
Continuing to use the Daily Doc
Surrendered more to things as they unfolded, less self-blame
Less panic, though still stress
Being present. For those hot springs. For nature. For kiteboarding by myself and managing to stay safe and enjoy whatever comes.

Room for improvement:

Use that punching bag, now that it has a dedicated mount there's no excuse when I need a release
Be present more instead of getting caught up in thoughts/urgency - this has improved especially in September and October, and I want to keep the momentum going
Use passion planner the night before a busy day

Spiritual: Float and Observe

I feel like a lot of beautiful things happened in Q3 - enjoying nature, walks, summer, paddle boarding, kiting, friends. I loved this summer so much.

I still spend a bit more time on my phone than I'd like, mostly in community groups. I did take a look at how much and I'd like to cut it in half, but it's also easier to do more on my phone than it used to be.

Celebrations:

Be present with nature - kiting, garden, walking, sun, water
Continued meditation, fewer baths
Workouts, especially 22 of 30 day challenge
Contributing in the kitchen more

Room for improvement

Been less consistent about meditation lately
Reduce phone time, at least first thing in the morning try and avoid it
Accept doing nothing, leave space
Listen more in biz, Pay attention if I talk most of the meeting.
Act more caring with my partner

Present and future

The end of the year is looking very promising and also more relaxing. October starts out fairly busy with work and a vacation (funny how vacations feel busy around the time).

I'm not fully ready for winter, so good thing it's not here yet. Enjoying a beautiful fall, slow transition with lots of colorful trees and bushes. Halloween, more holidays.

As winter comes, I look to sleeping and resting a bit more, and also staying active. I'm inspired to collaborate more at work.

I'll wrap up this post with the top 5 things I'd like to focus more on in Q4:

Swim
Care. Be caring
Business development
Be present. Meditate daily
Make friends

2023 Q2 Reflections

2023-07-08T14:05:00-06:00

Preface

Halfway through the year - already! I left Q1 with hopes that have mostly come through, and I'm really grateful for that.

For April, I wanted to use my new phone and finally did so, setting it up just as I like it. Enjoyed beautiful blooming tulips, first time planting those. Went to the hot springs with my partner and stayed in our favorite place yet, while relaxing at the springs was really nice. Also started working out gently and watching how my knees handle the return. I also started therapy in April, to support me and my relationships for the future. It's something I wanted to get ahead of as life can become challenging quickly, and it's nice to have the support there when I need it.

For now, my main focus is growth and dealing with some ongoing challenges and habits I want to change: such as not taking enough breaks on busy workdays, and managing my stress levels. The latter really got better by just watching and rating my levels at 3 different points in the day - am, pm, eve - fascinating how that act alone has brought awareness and later on, ease. By mid/late May I was dealing with stressful days much better, and had made it a point to do something relaxing when the levels are high. I'm still not the best about taking breaks but I've come to need them a bit less with this awareness, at least.

I was hoping to kite in May, but we had so much rain (my dad counted only 3 days out of 45 that didn't rain). It's been a beautiful green spring, and entered Q3 of this year with only 2 days in the 90s so far, amazing! I continued to enjoy my phone. Spend time with family and have a lovely and fun baptism for my nephews. The end of the month brought my business' smallest offsite yet, and it was really fun, engaging and relaxing to spend time with everyone talking, brainstorming, hacking and thinking about the future. Lots of concerts and events, super fun seeing Dermot Kennedy at Red Rocks. At times I felt overwhelming and frustrating, and therapy helped more.

Finally June came about starting with a 25-yr anniversary Riverdance performance. I got to kite mid-month, first at my favorite spot from last year, and then checked out a new place in Longmont that I had just learned about. I got to swim and test my endurance in more challenging conditions, and try out the foil in Colorado which I wasn't sure when I'd get to do. As I got back into things, I got myself knee support and took care to continue Rossiter's/PT which I started in May as well. Keeping up with that and seeing good results has brought me peace of mind and sped up my recovery. I'm grateful to continue to work out and flex my kite muscles.

Q2 also brought some gardening, planting bell peppers for the first time (TBD how those turn out), and taking some care of the garage and garden, trimming roses, enjoying fresh flowers and salads with homegrown greens.

In business I got to practice more sales and business development, as well as managing internally and having discussions on performance and output in a positive way, I'm proud of how I handled things. The quarter ended with a strong business proposal (which we won in early July!)

Revisit resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Bolster and Balance
Emotional: Kindness and Support
Mental: Guide and Surrender
Spiritual: Float and Observe

Physical: Bolster and Balance

My posture, muscles and knees have been doing very well. On long workdays when I push myself, I still feel sore in my wrists and neck, but I'm really happy and impressed with how the knees have recovered - I'd say I'm at 80% now and getting that last 20% slowly but surely. I've learned to be more patient with my body, and also to continue working out, gaining strength.

Recently I looked at my body measurements over a year and, though subtle, I can tell that my muscle mass has grown and I've had some fat loss (slimmer waist, same bicep circumference and same weight).

After pushing my legs too hard in Q1, I was deflated at the slow recovery in March and April, and finding Rossiter's + doing at-home stretches and workouts has really made a difference.

My digestion is overall better and I've laid off the gluten again. I still feel bloated more than I'd like, and am continuing to adjust my nutrition but more subtly, mainly with mineral balance in mind.

Celebrations:

Consistent body weight and strength
Consistent adrenal support, sunlight, sleep/blue light
Inversion table, neck pillow and daily habits are going well
Added hip hinges, glute bridges and lunges to stretch work/kite affected areas
Walking more consistently
Using the kettlebell 2-3x/week for workouts
Hardly got any headaches

Improvement:

I kind of dropped off trampolining, partly to protect knees. Did it a few times but lost the habit
Still want to have more consistent digestion, though it's better overall
still no punching bag
IR/NIR dropped as well
Still want to get back into swimming. I got a tease when the wind dropped off kiting, to remind me why it's so important.

Emotional: Kindness and Support

Emotionally I feel less stress than last quarter for sure, and I have data to back it up now :) I still get frustrated maybe 1x/week, probably 2-3x less than before and less often. I got some time to myself as my partner traveled, and reflected on my well being and my habits. I do a bit better letting go of things that trying to fix them in the moment, being kinder to myself then.

Celebrations:

Continued to see therapist
QT with kitties (though they can sure mess things up when I'm not there)
Supported my partner through some tough challenges, which brought us closer
Supported my coworkers and team, handled difficult professional situations well.
Got a bit of a social life with kiting, meeting locals and talking to them, visiting a friend at the lake. And have continued to see friends.

Room for improvement:

Find friends, meetup/group.
Talking to current friends more - I'd like to do this, but life keeps adding unexpected things that distract me
Being kinder, especially to myself. I self blame a bit less, but still feel like I'm running behind or stress about time.
Love others first each day. Give first.

Mental: Guide and Surrender

After practicing stress rating for 3 months or so, I'm definitely handling stress with more easy, and not getting as caught up in anger and frustration. I could do with healthier, easier release when it does accumulate.

I still like getting caught up, feel that compulsion to push through or find some urgency, a sense of rush perhaps. It been easier these last 3 months to handle that feeling and let it go, and it helps that it's also arisen less frequently.

An example challenge was losing a project unexpectedly. It tore at me for a while and kept coming back to my mind weeks later, as I was trying to find a healthy way to deal with it. It really bothers me to disappoint others and I tried to make things right while also accepting the way things unfolded. Sometimes it's easier to let go when you realize your heart's not been in it.

Celebrations:

Awareness of stress and frustration
Took breaks more, pushed through less - and also had more shorter days overall.
A bit less overthinking things as well
Continuing to use the Delegate Doc/must-do tasks on busy times.
Enjoyed a rest or stepping away towards end of Q2 when fewer tasks needed done

Room for improvement:

Use that punching bag to release frustration
Be present more instead of getting caught up in thoughts/urgency
Come up with uses for passion planner maybe?

I've had an easier quarter even with the slow market on the business front. On the personal front, quite a few things came up that were challenging and I did feel overwhelmed at times, but handled it with more easy than in the past. Moving forward, I think the main takeaway is to find more opportunities to be present, and continue to release frustration/let go, and take breaks.

Spiritual: Float and Observe

Getting back into kiting has of course brought me to the present. The unplanned swim in Longmont was frustrating at first and then I surrendered and dealt with it. It's very peaceful to know what to do and just go through the motions. Going to the hotsprings was lovely too, and baths at home, and beautiful drives to Wyoming, rains too. Gardening.

I still spend a bit more time on my phone than I'd like, mostly in community groups.

Celebrations:

Be present with nature - kiting, garden, rains
Continued baths, meditation, even second meditation
Workouts
Supporting myself, my partner, my business team

Room for improvement

Been less consistent about meditation lately
Accept doing nothing, leave space
More team collaboration in biz

If we made it through half the year, we can make it through another half!

Present and future

I definitely feel more inspired now than I did at the end of Q1. The business front seemed daunting and while it's not exciting to have to flex my muscle in areas that are not my core expertise, it's gotten easier and I have hopes of continuing to do good business in Q3. On the personal front, with my knees more healed and having an upcoming kite trip planned again, I'm ready for summer, activities, swimming, and general fun.

I'm excited to continue foiling as well, it's getting mentally easier to prepare for it. I got to tinker with my new phone and work on some fun projects for business. And now the garden has taken shape and the tomato plants are growing quickly.

Here's to a continued effort towards a relaxed baseline ("default state" as I called it last time).

Also it's been fun watching tennis, both Roland Garros and Wimbledon!

2023 Q1 Reflections

2023-04-09T21:55:00-06:00

Q1 of 2023 sort of flew by, but also felt long in some ways. January started out after a relaxed vacation but a stressful Q4. Lots of stress on the business side. Personal nutrition and workout goals kept me busy, active, and perhaps too concerned with how to manage all the changes. I was able to cope, but underneath my body was feeling the stress. After a tough ladder program, I had to rest my legs and prepare for an upcoming kite trip to my favorite spot in Mexico.

February was mostly travel, and I was able to detach, really go at it on the water, and learn to foil - a different type of board that what I'm used to kiting with. It was tough and I ended up with bruised and blue thighs, but I was able to learn to go upwind and stay up on the board. I got 15-16 days on the water, a lot of sunshine, daily beach meditation, walking, and am really proud of my body for handling it with such strength. At work there was a renewed focus on sales and business development, with long-tail results to come later on.

I was a bit sad to come back home, though excited to rest and spend time with family (birthdays!) and kittens. My legs actually felt worse and are still recovering into April. I've taken a step back from working them hard, and the timing is good with winter turning into spring, and an overall renewal. I made progress towards my goal of finding a counselor/therapist to help support me along the way this year and into the future.

Meditation is still a strong habit. Yoga not as much. And metabolic health is on its way - seeing some improvements, like much more balanced blood sugar, but still overall room to improve and bring into balance (higher than I'd like to).

Revisit resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Bolster and Balance
Emotional: Kindness and Support
Mental: Guide and Surrender
Spiritual: Float and Observe

Physical: Bolster and Balance

I really wanted to continue feeling strong and balanced in posture and digestion.

I've continued to consistently strengthen and February culminated with some tough kite learning which I'm really proud of doing successfully without injury. I did, however, push my legs too hard in January, and that has lead to a long tail recovery.

I definitely feel stronger, and my body/fitness/weight and overall strength have maintained quite well after February.

On the digestion side, I've had some improvements and experiments that succeeded, but no long-term steady balance yet. I had more bread again and that didn't go as well as I hoped, so Q2 I'll be giving it up again.

Celebrations:

Consistent body weight and strength
Consistent adrenal support, sunlight
Inversion table, neck pillow and daily habits are going well
Trampolining
better/successful experiments with bloat and gas (even with starches!)
Walking fairly consistently

Improvement:

still no kettlebell
still no punching bag
IR/NIR but not consistently
getting more headaches (still not taking breaks or resting my eyes consistently during the workday)
get back into swimming

Emotional: Kindness and Support

Emotionally I feel more stress than I expected. It's a bit better than 2022 Q4, but not drastic. I get frustrated, stressed, tense and I get headaches. I manage these well in temperament, or at least better than I used to.

Celebrations:

Found a counselor/therapist for support, and already had a session, yay!
Spending QT with kitties - laughs, play, lots of petting
Supportive relationship with my partner, I think we're doing quite well!

Room for improvement:

Find friends, meetup/group, though I did get to spend time with a past coworker and we're staying in touch!
Talking to current friends more
I get annoyed/frustrated quite often and it shows with myself mostly, but also others some days
Being kinder, especially to myself. I still tend to jump to conclusions and tense up, self blame, feel like I'm running behind.
Use punching bag!
Love others first each day. Give first.

Mental: Guide and Surrender

Mentally I'm doing fairly well other than the stress. I am very aware and do take breaks, deep breaths, and overall am more patient and less explosive/rushed/intense.

Celebrations:

Awareness of stress and frustration
Managing to take breaks in stressful times
Debate a bit less about the things that can just be decided more easily (like upgrading kittens litter boxes)
Using the Delegate Doc/must-do tasks on busy times.
Able to focus on bizdev and the tasks that need done at work, even when it's not my goto

Room for improvement:

Step away, it's okay.
Let go of fight-or-flight and take some space. I'm getting support for this in counseling and hope to have some changes for Q2.

I would really like for my mind to be calmer and more patient, it's been tough lately and I'm feeling tense and agitated more often than I thought I would...

Spiritual: Float and Observe

I've had some great present moments, especially in February with my travels, being on the beach, working fewer hours and leaving more time unplanned. I've taken a break from substances for all of January and am now in a much more spaced out cadence for leaning on anything material - but I do have a pull to check my phone and read through messages (my new phone's in repair and I'm preparing for it)

Celebrations:

Enjoyed kiting
Baths, leaning into my body, pacing myself with workouts
Continued meditation
Second daily meditation weekdays
Supporting our team and making it through Q1 - we made it!

Room for improvement

Create more time and space for things to arise
Diversity focus

Present and future

This year I didn't feel as inspired and even now I'm not feeling as hugely inspired by my goals as in years past. I am however, really excited that I learned the basics of kitefoiling and look forward to kite more in Q2 near home.

One thing I do feel inspired by is for my body and digestion to improve and arrive at a balanced, healthier state, even though it feels like two steps forward one step back so often.

I'm also proud of my priority shift to support the business, and for stepping away and allowing my legs to heal after a strong workout.

Looking ahead, I'm excited for things to pick up at work for our team, and to be able to step away and focus on some fun projects. I'm still excited to tinker with my new phone and hope it'll finally be repaired in April.

I'm excited to tend to the seedlings and plant them in the garden by the end of the quarter!

Here's to finding a more relaxed "default state" and living with increased (self-)kindness.

Deduplicating SMS/MMS on Android

2023-03-08T08:02:00-07:00

TL;DR: If you want to clean up SMS/MMS duplicates from your Android phone, and know how to run a python script, check out the README here.

The Premise

For one or more reasons below (or even others), you ended up with duplicate SMS or MMS messages on your Android phone. If you're like me and carry them around for years (digital hoarder?), you wanna clean that up and save some space on your device.

I was using Signal for years for both SMS/MMS and secure messages. Then, Signal decided to drop support for insecure messaging altogether - bummer, but I get it. I exported my messages, but already had some of them on my phone from before. And the duplicates got exported as MMS from signal, instead of SMS, making it tricky to dedupe between the two
You may accidentally restore multiple backups of your SMS using "SMS Backup & Restore".

Existing Solutions

I first stumbled upon DeduplicateSMS, but unfortunately that hasn't been updated in a while and crashes on Android 9+.

Then I stumbled upon this python script. Thanks to Roger Cas for his detailed blog post, and open sourcing the code on GitHub, I was getting hopeful. Shortly after, I saw that Hameer Abbasi forked the repo and added MMS support. Amazing! Now to try it out...

Running the restore

So I cloned the repo and ran the restore. Hit some issues which were fairly easy to fix, and decided to make some improvements while I'm at it.

Upgraded Solution

The new solution isn't perfect, it does a lot of duplicate detection in python, but it worked for my use case.

Check it out on GitHub: https://github.com/pcraciunoiu/AndroidSMSBackupRestoreCleaner

I have many ideas for improvement and some of them can be found in the Issues tab.

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2022-12-26T11:14:00-07:00

Why?
Gut feelings
2022 in review
What now?
Final reflection

Why?

Why do these resolutions? To add purpose (direction), growth and focus on what I value.

Continuing with a top-down, intentional approach, and key results added and connected after.

Past: 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.

Gut check

I like to start with a quick gut check - what's top of the wishlist? What dreams come up? What do my body/heart/mind/spirit say? What are powerful questions to ask?

The theme for 2023 is… a bit more nuanced than a single word I could find. Here are a few: Bolster. Support. Enhance. Channel. Strengthen.

I could go with "bolster":

as a noun, it means prop, pillow, cushion
as a verb, it means to increase comfort, to help stabilize or raise

I like its use for both. The overall theme for 2023 is more about support and strengthening, channeling other people's ideas and energy to achieve greater things. Mentoring. And for myself, comfort, care, strength in a stable way.

The intention behind the theme is to be there for others and be there for myself, supporting what needs to happen. It sounds passive - and it seems that way, indeed. But, just like a tree supports its soils using roots, there's a lot going on that the eye can't see.

Going from a top-down approach again, and again with a limit of 4 top level results for each goal.

2022 in review

Two main stressors came through this year:

A looming recession after hypergrowth. Business was tremendous the first half of the year, and we were able to meet the goal of hiring 2 employees, and many others, in the first 6 months essentially. But, with the Ukraine war and US inflation came a downturn and the second half of the year the momentum nearly vanished, with mounting pressure to avoid shrinking all the way to pre-2022 levels. This got really stressful until I was able to surrender and accept what the fallout may look like, forecast, plan for it. I felt it in my body (neck and shoulder pains), and in my relationships with myself (worse sleep, worrying more), and others (pulling away or getting aggravated in my close connections)
A maturing home life. I got married and celebrated 6 years with my partner. Living and working together has been challenging at times, and made finding a spark more difficult. Seeking individuality after such a merger can feel uncomfortable, push-and-pull, fighting inertia to keep doing the same ol'.

And also opportunities:

Kiting in Wyoming, added a lot to my motivation to stay fit and strengthen my body. 2022 has been the most consistent I've ever been about going to the gym, and having a coach has been super helpful for that. It's been an amazing adventure!
Joining a small business group last year has been very supportive and brought peace of mind. Being able to share the ups and downs and commiserate but also encourage each other.
Growing to be a better partner, leader, mentor! Having a larger team has been quite a shift, and in personal life things have also settled more, even adopted two lovely kittens!

For 2022 I wanted to:

Physical: Move With Ease
Emotional: Embrace What Is
Mental: Part of a Whole
Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Physical: Move With Ease

Grade: A

Affirmation:

I love my body and see how it's all connected. My body wants to be healthy and strong, and is constantly healing itself. It wants to move with ease.

This year I've been the most consistent about going to the gym… ever. I've gone through maybe 3 different workout programs, doing different lifts, including squats, deadlift, bench press. A lot of focus on the deadlift in the last few months, and managed to ramp up to 275lbs, which I wouldn't have thought when I started!

Have gained a bit more weight than I'd like, but also strength and muscle. I like where I'm at now (could do with 5lb less, or even 10lb - that's not much).

Overall headaches have seriously declined this year. New eyeglasses prescription helped, and also I've been more dilligent about taking breaks.

Well:

Regular trampoline, inversion table and other quick breaks during the workday. I can still do more here, and during busy days I struggled
Overall the switch to 2-5m breaks every 30m has helped. If I skip a break I usually take the next one
Neck pillow, eye pillow, relaxing before bed
Gut restoration protocol and working to lower cortisol and balance blood sugar started in Q4, and there have been some improvements already - average glucose is dropping
Lots of experimentation and learning overall managing glucose levels
Kiteboarding in Wyoming, so amazing and beautiful. Loving this opportunity and it's motivated me immensely to stay strong and fit
1hr of movement/day - generally done. Of course done on all gym days (3x/week), and a bit less on other days. Had a strong yoga practice until Q4.
Had a steady practice of swimming on Fridays until September. Would like to get back to that.
Definitely increased cardio in strength workouts. Big success.
Invested in personal health: massage, coaching, work environment (upgraded office chair)
Using diffuser for humidity, checking winter humidity in general at the house. My eyes in general haven't been as sore or as red this year. There were exceptions on long days, but that's about it. More solid sleep has helped too.
Gluten free, dairy free - did for a while. Returned to both (gluten reduced).
Got raw milk in October, excited to enjoy that further. I even made yogurt and it turned out delicious 2 of the 5 times. Scalding the milk really helped, and using a heated mat to keep it warm-ish (85-95F).

Nell:

Grounded at the desk, not so much outside
Get back to swimming more regularly, consider going a 4th day?
Still feeling bloat and gas. Hoping to help by reducing starchy foods in Q1. TBD!

Intention: Enjoy movement and stretching. Expand boundaries with ease - cardio, muscle, in gentle steps.

I'd give this an A+, but in Q4 I dropped off on caring for my body, mainly due to stress, and felt more eye sores and headaches. Also, even though I am doing a protocol, bloat/gas are still a nuisance. Has reduced, I think, but not nearly enough.

Emotional: Embrace What Is

Grade: A-

Affirmation:

I do, listen, and speak wholeheartedly.

I still feel emotionally under-developed from where I'd like to be, but it's a long journey. I've been operating from the heart (ha), much more this year, especially in connections at work, conversations, and also helping friends and family. I understand my behavior and inclinations better - though I struggle to accept them, or dig deeper at what's driving behavior.

Regarding anger and frustration, I'm excited about the punching bag my partner gifted me!

Well:

Healthier relationship with work. I was able to take a 4-week trip and barely worked (<4h/week average). Things ran smoothly and I didn't stress. It was really sweet to enjoy being on the trip.
Sticky notes, e.g. to enter office with mindfulness/relaxation helped. I'm a fan of keeping those for now!
Thinking about what our clients or team must be feeling/going through has helped as a practice. I do feel more emotionally literate here, though it still feels like a long way to go.
Perfect to have the "surrender" reminder in my emotional goals - Q4 was particularly tough after a year of fast business growth, and I had a hard time accepting the slowdown and reducing our team size.
Really enjoyed a release and adventure of kitesurfing.
Able to step away from daily grind after 4pm most days. Overall reduced workload and focus on the business was really beneficial for my stress levels and for the business.
Lots of collaboration at work, and with friends. Supporting my friend with job hunt and general encouragement, advice, perspective. At work, the team generally loved working with us and we built more sense of fun and community. I spent way more time talking to people, guiding, reviewing, and getting to know this year!
Sought others' perspective more - business group, personal sharing with friends, and more.

Nell:

The trip overall lacked a period of total chill (e.g. a week on the beach), so that's a lesson for next time: important to plan it in.
Still struggling to step away, tendency to do one-more-thing. I'm more aware of it, though.
Still feel confined by daily work schedule sometimes. Though, most of the year has been much more flexible.
Still struggling to do nothing, but committed to 1h/week on Sundays and that went well. During the week it's a struggle to take that opportunity though.
Did only one business coaching call this year.

Intention: Understand what's driving my behavior, and accept my inclinations.

It's almost an A really. I'm just being pedantic.

Mental: Part of a Whole

Grade: B

Affirmation:

Is this urgent or bleak? It's OK to feel this way. You don't have to finish everything right now. Though you don't believe me, come back later and it'll seem better.

I still struggle to let go and take a break. I still think "just one more thing", and stress myself out, resisting what's going on, self-blaming, or listing all that needs done. There's been a lot to do in Q4, and with the business growth, the whole year felt overwhelming at times. Taking a nice long break in August/September really helped, and made me almost forget about the hard work before.

That said, I have been much more mindful of my posture, had WAY fewer headaches this year, took more breaks, used the trampoline, standing/sitting at the desk still, taking breaths, noticing stickers. Even when my stress levels were high, I was more awer of them.

Well:

The 'lets:

Deep breaths more frequently. I like this one and would enjoy continuing to do it. Can I come up with a different prompt?
Paid more attention to thought patterns and making myself feel bad, even though I still do it. It's OK.
Enjoyed trampoline, inverting, or other easy breaks. I have a daily task for this 3-4x/week, though I do feel some resistance towards it too.
Taking more breaks, made it every 30 minutes and it's OK to skip one
Rarely worked past 4 in Q1, Q2 and Q3. Q4 was tougher and I did work but rarely past 6.
Great at talking to people and supporting them, though with more people my time with each has shortened, it's been valuable and feels like we've built social capital/positive morale.
Found creative outlets, asked good questions (though room to improve)
Hired 2 employees!

Nell:

Still struggling with "one more thing and then I'm done"
Still skipping breaks or feeling the body aches of posture (neck pains lately)
Still spending too much time in a stressful state, feeling pressured

Intention: Create with ease, from within, through the breath.

Could be a B+? I did really well for most of the year, and the interventions mostly work. The biggest challenge is still feeling spacious and relaxed during the workday. I struggle so hard when it feels like there's a long list of things to do.

Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Grade: A

Affirmation:

I trust myself with my heart, and inspire others humbly, to make the world better, together.

I'd say this year many things have compounded and that will continue into next year. My greatest wish for 2023 is to keep doing what I'm doing, and find it easier.

Well:

Wholeheartedness and integrity have come through this year for sure, especially in Q4 as we're adding more transparency and standardizing pricing in the business. And lots of transparency and financial planning with the team.
Invested more in the home for sure. Basement was basically empty and it's now come together enough, last addition being a punching bag (great gift!)
I can depend on myself to push things through, stressful though it may be.
Spent way more time focused on big picture, and less on the nitty gritty
Worked with our team, with motivation, inspiration, kindness
Continued solid meditation practice, even more so in the eves than expected.
Did a meditation retreat in May which was lovely and helped add the 2nd meditation! It's been a long time coming and I'm so grateful for this habit!
Definitely panicked less when there were reasons to worry. I did struggle with how many people we're shedding once Q4 ends, but otherwise much of the rest came easier.
It made me feel better to read these words: "It's OK to be a shitty person sometimes, people have shitty days."

Nell:

Struggling to feel contentment and share with others. Peace, a bit easier, but still tough.
Still struggling to surrender the outcome, but I did focus more on collaboration, shared vision. Could spend more time on this.

Intention: Manifest from within and work together.

I'm really proud of this one and feel spiritually more aware and savvy. Even though the goal itself wasn't some change-the-world epiphany, the little things came together and a steady meditation practice has helped me a lot with mental health and kindness towards others.

2021 goals

A short review of 2021 goals, what's new?

Physical: Moving with Joy
- [-] Not much yin postures, but did meditate in the evenings to relax before bed. Strengthening bed routine instead. An evening walk would be nice…
- [+] Integrated cardio with workout and it's fine as is. Also did swimming this year. Happy with this outcome and habits!
- [+/-] Improved breaks at desk. Still not quite enough.
- [+] Way fewer headaches!
Emotional: Nurture All Things
- [+] Play, game nights, games at home. Travel. Solid meditation.
- Ditched breathwork goals this year, but did have some inspirational alone time!
- [+] Quarterly reviews/reflections
- [+/-] Didn't take regular time off/quarterly, but did take a long vacation in the fall and honey-week in February! In a way, I only missed one quarter, and the summer was great otherwise (kiting!)
- [-] I added more to the list of things I enjoy, but haven't visited it regularly. I seem to have a problem of always doing, so I'm ditching this in favor of leaning more on "do nothing"
- [-] Didn't read enough about emotional and sexual health. Will be looking for a person to talk to, and I did start one book on it that seems helpful.
Mental: Spacious
- [-] Haven't really been planning my days in detail. I'd like to get back to this but plan only the key elements, like a sketch.
- [+] I do use a doc where I track my TODOs, and that's been a good habit that works. So could probably just select daily/weekly tasks from there.
- [+] Overall good workday balance, breaks, and shorter Fridays
- [+] Finances in good shape, won't need a review for a bit, probably next year is just conservative/don't change much.
Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention
- [+] Got more plants!
- Hot springs trip, at least one.
- [+] Meditating 2x/day now most days.

What now?

Top of mind for 2023, which of course is based on how I feel right now:

Rest and release stress in my body (particularly neck/scm). This can be addressed by taking more breaks, more massages, more baths, chiropractic.
Support and empathize with my partner, adjusting course and finding a healthier balance at home. Make an effort to leave work thoughts after ending the workday, and focus on my personal life, my partner, my home.
Continue going to the gym consistently, and prioritizing my health. Continue focus on posture and headache prevention.

If it was December 2023 today and I looked back on the year, what would I like to see, be able to say? Visualize great outcomes!

I'm proud to have continued quarterly reflections in 2022 (Q4 is part of this post). It's a nice little check-in with myself. I'd like to write more, it's like therapy. But it's been a hard habit for me to get into. I do reflect every week, and write a few thoughts of joy and gratitude daily.

on this blog. These quarterly reviews provided quality time with myself and a look at the general direction of each goal. Since I spend so much time reflecting on the year, I won't do a separate quarterly reflection for Q4 - it's incorporated into this post. And without further ado, 2022's intentions:

Physical: Bolster and Balance
Emotional: Kindness and Support
Mental: Guide and Surrender
Spiritual: Float and Observe

Physical: Bolster and Balance

2022 was an amazing year for my physical well being. I feel as fit as ever, sleep pretty well (though I'd like to get up earlier), and learned more about my glucose levels (and that glucose and cholesterol levels are connected).

Intention:

Feel strong and balanced in posture and digestion.

Affirmation:

I bolster my muscles so my body feels balanced and strong. I nourish my body with care and patience so it can support me and my adventures.

Follow protocols for nutrition (RCP, etc) Sharing in this with my partner.
- Adrenals
- Minerals
- Get sunlight, IR and NIR light in eves, reduce bright lights
- Pull in steps from partner's research
Strong body that supports my adventures
- Continue kiting, learn to foil!
- Use kettlebell weekly
- Use punching bag weekly
- Continue trampoline, invert, neck care
- Use the new goodies that my partner got me - massage gun
- Get back into swimming

Emotional: Kindness and Support

One of the struggles I have when things get stressful is that I blame myself and put myself through additional suffering, worry. I sleep late, skip breaks or other healthy habits, and try to sit down and fix whatever's broken or what's worrying me. But, a lot of times if I didn't worry or spend so much time trying to fix things, I'd still find myself more or less in the same place.

Intention:

Show kindness and support to myself and others.

Affirmation:

I listen patiently and appreciate myself and others first, and support with questions and ideas second.

Personal development / Support
- Find someone to talk to for personal development
- Find new friends, meetup/group
- Talk to current friends more
- Share this support with my partner and my business (this comes naturally, but it's a nice reminder)
- Spend QT with kitties, they're growing fast
Act with kindness to myself. And to others.
- Be kind first. Set some reminders or notes.I tend to be rash and jump to conclusion, especially about myself. Includes self blaming, stressing out about running behind on TODOs, etc
- Use the punching back to release pent up frustration. Other methods as needed.
- Is my worry both important and urgent? How sure am I that it's both? This is similar to last year's step-away-it-s-OK.
- Love others first. A bit each day. Give first. Then ask for what I need or want.

Mental: Guide and Surrender

I can get so caught up in worries and what I'm trying to solve, that I ignore the outside world and dig deep inward. Instead, I could take 2 minutes to breathe, feel into my body and senses, and trust that it's OK. Feel what's arising and embrace the present as-is. Surrender to what the future may bring. I can be laser focused, which is great for GSD, but I'm missing on the inspiration and sustainable energy from the present as-is.

Intention:

Nudge my thoughts in a direction that serves me.

Affirmation:

I lean into my senses, breathe, and surrender to what's coming up.

Guide and direct myself and others, with attention and mindfulness.
- This ties in with the emotional side. Think kind thoughts. Take a breather, and then direct.
- Pay attention to feelings of panic, worry, stress, urgency.
- Step away, it's okay. Honor those mental breaks. Detach, come up for air. Then revisit.
Surrender
- Deep breaths more frequently. Let go of this fight-or-flight, take some space and find joy/curiosity and support/comfort in the present, in what's going on. There is still so much goodness.
- How about making a list of must-dos? Setting the bar lower and looking at everything else as a bonus? Looking at it as "I can do this in a relaxed state". At least then, I can reduce time spent feeling like I'm behind/a failure/etc
  - Select and use my Delegate Doc for this
  - How to use passion planner this year?

Spiritual: Float and Observe

Be present with the world. Spend quality time with myself, in nature, and connecting with others.

Intention:

Float and observe closely.

Meaning, I float above all worries, thoughts, and feelings. I observe at a close distance what's going on.

Affirmation:

I appreciate my life, my body, my people, my plants, my self and my loved ones, with all the support and love shared everywhere

Present inspiration
- Look to the present for inspiration. Breathe, baths, lean into body, mind, feelings. Create time and space for these things to arise.
- Enjoy kiting, nature, sun, walks, plants
- Continue meditation and awareness of behavior patterns.
Sync, collaboration
- My greatest wish for 2023 is to keep doing what I'm doing, and find it easier.
- To make it through Q1 and beyond and keep as many talented people working with us as we can. To add more diversity into our team. And to encourage and support everyone.
- Surrender outcome and focus on collaboration. Focus on team and shared vision - work with team to craft the vision.

The bolster theme applies here perhaps most of all, in finding and channeling strength through people, through kindness, self compassion, patience.

Final Reflection

A big thank you to 2022. This year feels like it went by very fast. I guess more life behind me. I was going to say less newness, but that's not really true. A lot happened, growth.

Many celebrations come to mind right away, and there are many more that I'm probably forgetting.

Going to the gym regularly, most consistent and amazing growth since I was in my mid-20's. Deadlifted more than I thought I'd be able to, strengthened my muscles and still have more growth to keep me going!
Muscle gains have plateaud but are staying in a good place. Focus is on strength now. I may go back to gain a bit more muscle next year, but if the gains don't go down, I've definitely added muscle in other places, and my coach has me focused on posture-supporting workout/movement, so I prefer that for now.
Overheard gym conversation about kitesurfing, resulting in finding a lake in Wyoming that I went to 10 times this year, and even though when I write that it doesn't sound like much, it completely changed my excitement about it and motivated me to continue progressing and learn to foil! It's also been beautiful and therapeutic to go there.
Did a gut health protocol, tests, learned about my glucose. More to come here!
Reduced headaches and better sleep!
Beautiful trip to Iceland, Italy and Romania. Wedding for my best/longest time friend. Detaching from work, with a large (feels like! but really not) company running with the help of others on the team!
Business tripled since early 2021, though we're heading into a recession we're coming from a good place.
Steady gratitude practice. Meditating 2x a day. Trampolining. So many little habits for my health, my body feels cared for, for sure!
3rd nephew, saw more of both! Family time. Friend time. Board games!
Continued living with the seasons! CSA, raw milk, farmers markets.
More concerts, many more this year! Events too. Plays. Saw Hamilton and really loved it!
Birthday still bittersweet, emotional. And partnership is growing and transforming.

To a (self-)bolstering year, of finding support, comfort, and remembering that there's no fire to put out, worrying is not necessary. It's OK to be as I am. It's OK to do less. There's always a list, endless, of more to do.

And with that, to nudge others and encourage them, to build things together!

Q3 Reflections

2022-10-09T17:54:00-06:00

Q3 felt a bit short, but it's one of those: when I think about it, a lot happened. I like doing these reflections as a low commitment review and reflection. How do I feel after another quarter? Am I doing the things I want to be doing? Being how I want to be? And more so these years: resting enough? Letting go enough, relaxing enough?

August started with a jazz lounge, live music, and a birthday celebration with a tasty food menu, and wines. I was so grateful to continue kiteboarding in Wyoming and have company. Even made a new friend and found a different forecast. As the 4-week trip was approaching, I felt eager and also less motivated to push through at work, ready for a change. It's helpful to recognize it as a natural summer feeling, too. I did make sure to leave things in a good place and check in with work during the trip - about 2-4 hours a week.

I loved visiting Iceland, Romania, Italy and the Vatican. Each had its own unique feeling, delicious foods - like baked cod, pizzas, black truffle, must (slightly fermented grape juice), and more. Beautiful sights. Lots of walking. And feeling really good about my body - muscles, sleep, peace. I was able to let go of worries and really detach from the constant thinking about what to do next. Though that tendency was still there, I also learned that a good trip needs a multi-day (or week+, preferably) period of not doing much at all. Like chillin' on a beach. Anywho, one of the highlights for sure was my friend getting married, the amazing wedding, dancing, food, and quality time.

Still kept some habits on the road, too: consistent meditation, daily gratitudes and joys, even bodyweight workouts (ass kickers!)

Getting back, the garden was thriving: tomatoes still coming (had multiple caprese's per week!), 9 big spaghetti squash, and even a few eggplants. First week back, I was fortunate to meet a new kiter and enjoy a long, consistent day on the windy lake with a new and awesome 9m kite from a friend. As Q3 ended, I felt my motivation return and the daily workday feel more pleasant. Heading into Q4, a bit worried about our business outlook and economy overall. Mainly, I just hope we keep our core team busy, and do our best to avoid losing more people.

Revisit resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Move With Ease
Emotional: Embrace What Is
Mental: Part of a Whole
Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Physical: Move With Ease

Physically I feel great. My weight's been stable through Q3, rising a bit with the trip. I was proud to do bodyweight workouts on the road, and get back into the gym after the trip. Kiting continued as well and I even get to do a bit in Q4! Definitely continuing to gain strength - I was able to deadlift to 230-240lbs! Swimming's continued to get a bit easier, though I haven't really gotten back into it after the trip.

One nice change since getting back: I'm much more dilligent about taking breaks during the workday. I've changed my reminder to be every 30 minutes and allow myself to skip one. Sometimes, with meetings back to back, I've skipped two, but no more. And it's also highlighted that situation. It makes so much sense in hindsight, but thinking of it as a small step - taking a 2-5 minute break every 30, is so much easier than a 10-15m break every 60-90. I do both, but I like the ease of a 2 minute break. This has also lead to doing various stretches, since I can do a stretch for a couple of minutes.

Celebrations:

Bodyweight workout on the road
back into trampolining
increased inversion table time to 6-8m, hoping to get to 10
stretches during breaks
none, or maybe 1 headache since I got back from the trip?
take more breaks daily - doing!
more rested eyes, more awareness when they get tired
Living with the seasons, for sure! Food wise, activity wise, energy wise

Improvement:

still no kettlebell
bloat and gas - but started the protcol!
get back into swimming
longer or more walks a day - try a morning or evening one?
ground outside
hike once before winter

Feels very doable for last quarter.

Emotional: Embrace What Is

I've been less frustrated, more patient (though still eager at times), and more at peace overall. Much less anxious and detached from worries than before - or aware of anxiety when it's more present. As Andy said in one of his headspace lessons: more aware of when anxiety is not there, too. Turns out, it's absent a lot of the time!

I feel more freedom in my daily schedule, too. Scheduling breaks between meetings. Rescheduling or asking for a few extra minutes if I need a break. Breathing and remembering to relax my eyes and look around the room instead of just straight ahead. I still get sad about work, especially if our reputation is at stake, or we may lose someone on the team.

Celebrations:

Still loving the post-it note on my office to reduce stress
Empathizing continued, feeling present with clients and people in general
Switching into sales feels uncomfortable, but slowly happening, step by step
Continued reduced schedule. I'm really enjoying 5h workdays, more sustainable
Gotten much better at stepping away and breaking the "One more thing and then I'm done" tendency. I still struggle with it when I'm sad, or coming out of a series of meetings.
Doing well at supporting our team overall and finding ways to encourage them. Would like to continue improving this

Room for improvement:

Revisit some frameworks from relationship workshop with partner

Mental: Part of a Whole

Mentally I feel more focused, and calmer. My brain's been less foggy and less obssessed with figuring things out. In fact it's been enjoying not figuring things out :)

Celebrations:

Have created direction and able to make progress and delegate tasks more comfortable
More big picture focus, more leadership. I'd still like to do more creative work.
More breaks has been working! Continued to prune older reminders and reduce clutter. Feels easier now, 90% of the way for sure.

Room for improvement:

Would like to lean on an advisor, partially for network value - someone who can make valuable business connecftions, other people, etc
Ask great questions. Give more thought to questions I would ask.
(carry-over) Brainstorm more of what I'm good at and do more of that. Reduce what I'm doing that is not in this area.
More deep breaths

I feel generally healthier, more aware and less monkey-minded. Perhaps I haven't gotten as deep down the rabbit hole of thought, too - in part because I haven't been programming as much.

Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Got back into evening meditation after the trip. And sustained daily meditation during the trip - over 2 years of consistent meditation. Feeling more peace overall. I still get sad days, and learning to accept that more effortlessly would be helpful.

Getting to see and hold my 2nd nephew felt so sweet and magical :) what a little guy!

Didn't panic at some mixed feedback from a trusted referral about our team's quality. I did think about it and take it to heart, and thought I handled it well in the moment. It's never easy, and it wasn't easy to let go of the feeling, but it wasn't as painful as it used to be, either.

Visiting churches in Italy, and experiencing beautiful Iceland was also a spiritual experience. Not to mention the delicious foods :)

Room for improvement

More homey love
Hike 1x
More walking - fall's been so beautiful to see, trees changing, morning sunrises

Celebrations:

Loving home more and being more accepting of what's not done - one step at a time, it will be if it must be
Inverting more frequently 3-4x/week
Second daily meditation continues
Continued kite spot. Made a new friend there. Got som enew gear.
Garden had a great year! Tomatoes were some of the best I've ever had, better than those in Italy, even.
Continuing to focus on big picture and delegating.
Continuing to share feedback and collaborate with others, being very transparent about finances, projects, and more.

Present and future

Being able to take a 4 week trip and have the business continue to run has been a true gift, after 6 years of building and growing the biz, it's great to be able to enjoy these fruits of labor.

Having a chef at home has also added to quality of life in a more exciting and delicious way. It's not as fancy as it sounds, 1 day every 3 weeks! But, it's delicious and adds creativity and inspiration to my life.

What's been most stressful in Q3? Feeling demotivated before the trip, perhaps due to the change in my work responsibilities, and also because new projects didn't just "keep coming" our way. Switching to sales has been a long time coming as we grow, and it's a process. After the trip, it's still a bit of a hurdle, but taking small steps will eventually get us there. Being able to kite at home has been a nice counter balance.

Supporting one of our team through a stressful time with a client, listening and providing feedback there felt empowering and energizing. And my best friends' wedding felt like getting younger!

Looking ahead, I'm excited to get through the "sales" hurdle, set up a process, and get more projects on our plate. I know it can happen, and we'll be fine. I'm also looking forward to some downtime and inner reflections, and continued health improvements through this gut restoration protocol, weight lifting, and nutrient dense foods.

Here's to continue to achieve and support, living life with ease and (self-)compassion!

Q2 Reflections

2022-07-12T09:24:00-06:00

My last reflections were from the Dominican Republic. I was proud to stick with my goal of writing at least 1x/quarter, even if it's not 100% thorough.

This month, I'm at home - though I was just visiting family in Ohio for the 4th of July and that was lovely. Great to see my nephew again.

Q2 was busy, and felt more like normal life is back. Attended many concerts and events. One highlight was seeing Hannah Gadsby live in Denver. Really liked our seats this time too! Technically at the start of the quarter I was in the Dominican Republic still, and that was amazing, I still dream about it :) Surfing the waves.

Big highlight was first ever silent meditation retreat - a weekend, magical at that, with warm weather and beautiful views, delicious food, meditating inside and out, 4-6+ hours a day. Felt blissed out about a week after. And after this, I started meditating before bed, too.

Another highlight was meeting a local kitesurfer who told me about a spot to kite in Wyoming - been there a couple of times already, and eager to go again. Beautiful spot, and I never thought I'd kite in this area, nor dreamed of being able to do it at 7500ft altitude. Lemme tell ya, I can feel it's not sea level!

And lastly, this year the garden is HUGE. Tomato plants are already as tall as the 5.5ft fence, plus the spaghetti squash vines are growing super fast. And it seems a better year for garlic, dill, and eggplants too. Lettuce has done really well, too - eating salads since early June, almost daily now in July, after planting 50+ and most of them sprouted.

Revisit resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Move With Ease
Emotional: Embrace What Is
Mental: Part of a Whole
Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Physical: Move With Ease

I continue to love working with a trainer and am still somewhat in disbelief having gained muscle on my upper body, I can tell! With kiting at 7500ft too, it's been such a joy. And the DR trip showed me that I have more endurance and I didn't feel particularly sore (once the body got used to it - about 4 days in).

I've been enjoying swiming even more too, and that's gotten noticeably easier - I used to take breaks before doing 6 laps (12 back + forth), and now I can just go at 80-90% pace the whole way through.

Celebrations:

Consistent workouts. Trainer/program adjustments.
Stretches and daily breaks: trampolining, inversion table, hip stretches, short yoga/mobility
Swimming 1x/week, loving it even more
Finished all the health tests I plan to do for the year
Definitely fewer headaches than last year
Grounding outside a bit more
Dry eyes not as much of an issue, but have used diffuser still. Summer's higher humidity so that's been great.

Improvement:

still no kettlebell, but doing that trampoline
bloat and gas sometimes
take a couple more breaks a day - either make breaks a bit longer (10m+) or more frequent (probably better results)
still headaches - I'd say 1x/mo maybe. Mostly seems to happen when I don't take a long enough break on Mondays, and try to power through. Gotta rest the eyes more, they are primarily eye strain related, with neck strain secondary.

I don't have any intention of doing 20m of high intensity cardio per day. My workouts take care of this 3x/week though.

I do 1h of movement most days of the week: MWF for gym and Saturday for the market and shopping (hey, it counts, takes multiple hours!) Tu/Th closer to 30m, but going out or getting a massage balances it out.

Emotional: Embrace What Is

I feel more understanding towards my behavior, e.g. sometimes when I'm really blunt, or frustrated, or angry, or reactive. Consistent meditation practice has helped, of course. I feel even more detachment between self-worth and work. While I still think about things when they don't go as well as I hope, I am able to let go easier, with much less self-judgment. What's perhaps the next challenge is the busyness of all that's going on - that can get me overwhelmed and anxious sometimes.

Celebrations:

Still loving the post-it note on my office to reduce stress
Empathizing with clients, candidates, and feeling more thankful about all the accomplishments and upsides.
Released About/Careers pages on our business site, those efforts working on the values are coming through
Manifested a local kitesurfing spot!
Working a reduced schedule, staying in 20-30h/week and mostly 20-25h. Great for my health and productivity, I feel motivated to GSD when I sit down. I don't feel as constrained in my schedule, and have been able to enjoy the gym more, and evenings, without feeling like I have a ton to do for days/weeks in a row.
Relationship workshop with my partner, hope to continue using the frameworks learned there.

Room for improvement:

Still fighting the "One more thing and then I'm done" tendency. But I have added at least one more break-away during the workday.
Could encourage and empower our team more

Mental: Part of a Whole

Celebrations:

Generally more content. Have created content or followed through on goals.
Spent time focusing on bigger picture. Though it was Q3, last week I spent a couple of hours just thinking ahead for the year and business goals.
Feels like I'm using my strengths more. Deep focus. Creative work. Leadership - probably the most. And have had the time to find ideas.
Hired another employee. This puts us at our goal for the year of 2, exciting!
Kicking off other breaks has been working! I have a daily reminder M-W
Removing other reminders to reduce clutter in my daily schedule. Helps feel less overwhelmed. Especially ones I don't do.

Room for improvement:

There are still days when I sit down for too long trying to finish something.
Ask great questions. Give more thought to questions I would ask.
(carry-over) Take those 5m breaks every hour. I do take them at least every other hour… but it can be rough if I skip more than one a day.
(carry-over) Brainstorm more of what I'm good at and do more of that. Reduce what I'm doing that is not in this area.

My favorite is definitely the deep breathing. It's not the most consistent habit, in that, I'd love to take a deep breath with every sip of liquid, but it does help do it more often and I catch myself holding my breath more.

Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Oh yeah baby! Dat spiritual. Silent meditation retreat was a bliss, and for sure will be a highlight of the year. On top of that, family time - spending time with my nephew, and soon with another nephew!

Feeling more spacious, though in some ways less "inspired" - meaning, I don't feel those explosive creative times as much, and I think in part that's because my mind is running overloaded much less frequently. If anything I feel more intentional focus and effortlessness. Have also focused on decisions at a higher level more easily, and the spiritual side there is… knowing when something truly matters.

Room for improvement

Invert a bit more
Ground outside more
Let go of busywork
More home improvements

Celebrations:

Reached 700 consecutive days of meditation, though I discovered the way Headspace tracks them it can double count on a single day. Still, I've been meditating consistently for 2 years now.
Second daily meditation session more than half the days now. Inversions maybe 2-3x/week.
Feeling more contentment and spaciousness. Joy for summer.
Discovering a kite spot has been a big passion - adds to enjoying where I live, since it's so beautiful.
Garden is thriving! Having full garden salads, bursting with flavor and freshness, and that's not even including tomatoes yet.
Fence fixed up, handled a flooding incident with the rental home, without stressing hard about it.
Continuing to focus on compounding decisions and systems.
Continuing to share feedback and collaborate with others. Meet new people that may be able to collaborate eventually.

Present and future

I'd like to come back to this post a bit, later this week, and reflect more on Q1/Q2 and what's coming for Q3. No promises though.

For now, I've been grateful for many things that have noticeably added to the quality of my life this quarter. Better sleep, feel my body stronger and more spacious, fewer headaches, more restful breaks, reduced work hours, more walks and time outside, more awareness and contentment, more appreciation of my partner and others around me.

What's been most stressful in Q2? I think, mainly, when work got busy or a hire didn't perform to expectations. Handled that with more ease this time, but it can still be rough. Second guessing business decisions or how risky it can be to bring on employees and grant ownership - it's a tough one, since this is really the first time doing it with a successful business. Outside work, some personal and relationship uneasiness at times into anxiety. Mostly correlated with being busy or feeling disconnected or closed off.

Looking ahead, I'm excited about an upcoming trip to Europe, for my best friend's wedding and seeing new countries. I hope to kite at least a day, but it's a bit tricky without bringing my own gear, which I don't want to do. Food's gonna be awesome though, and seeing friends too. I'm also excited to spend a bit more time with family, something I wish I did more of. I'm also excited to enjoy the summer, maybe kite local more, swim more, spend time with friends, maybe make new friends. And on the business side, finding longer term perspective and stability, and improving our processes - sales, website content, and application process. The market downturns could be a blessing here to give us more time and motivation to focus on this.

2022 feels healthy and nourishing, more spacious, more effortless. Entering the 2nd half of the year with most of my hopes and goals done, the challenging ones are left, in a way - and what makes them challenging is most often the difficulty of breaking habits. I can do it, with ease and space to be aware!

Q1 Reflections

2022-04-10T20:10:00-06:00

I'm writing these from the Dominican Republic, so I'm extra happy and relaxed. Very grateful to be here, and it feels like the post-pandemic world. Still feel like I'm thriving. I give myself permission to keep these reflections a bit brief, a) because I want to make the most of being here, and b) it's only the first quarter of the year, there's more to come!

This quarter has brought life changes - getting married, meeting my partner's nephew - my nephew now, too.

Revisit resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Move With Ease
Emotional: Embrace What Is
Mental: Part of a Whole
Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Physical: Move With Ease

Working with a trainer has been amazing, have definitely gained muscle and also strength. Switching to strength gaining is more rewarding than I expected - I finally got to a good point with my weight/muscle/look, and although I could tone up a bit more, I'm also very excited to feel strong. And it feels good to get some cardio during the workout, and regular swims.

Celebrations:

Working with trainer.
Strength gains.
Swimming 1x/week, quite exhausting - I could take a nap after!
Tracking wellness budget
Parasite cleanse
GF/DF pretty consistently, rare exceptions
Dilligent about dry eyes - eye drops, diffuser. No humidifier yet, but may upgrade the home someday
Headaches down significantly

Improvement:

Continue GF
kettlebell, more trampoline
bloat and gas sometimes
grounding outside, not much
stretch more
still a couple of headaches - maybe <4 all quarter though!

Emotional: Embrace What Is

I've definitely detached my self worth from work more, but not enough. I still worry about it a lot, and push myself to finish stuff I'm working on. I do see improvement as far as judging myself though, I treat myself better than I used to.

Celebrations:

Walking into the office I feel less stress, the post-it note does work to bring my mind to feel relaxed and spacious
I put myself in clients' and team members' shoes more frequently and it helps me relax, listen and empathize more easily.
I've been taking notes on my anger and frustration, and that has helped reduce it or bring awareness to what's causing it
Releasing through gym and kitesurfing
Working on the business mission and values, marketing, etc
Shared joy at work
Gave focus presentation at a business group and felt good to get feedback

Room for improvement:

I still have a hard time stepping away without finishing all that I feel is "on the list" or in progress. After traveling, this has been the most common cause of headaches.
Related, I feel constrained by my daily schedule - still feels busy at times.
I still have a hard time doing nothing. Though it has gotten easier (could be listed above)
Could encourage and empower our team more

Really happy with my emotional well being. I like my intention, though the affirmation isn't really tied to it.

Mental: Part of a Whole

Celebrations:

I am taking more breaks at work, doing stretches, little things.
Taking deep breaths while I'm at the desk
Using my strengths for sure, coordinating our team, onboarding, offboarding, check-ins, sharing feedback, thinking ahead on projects. Did some creative work or content as well - mission and values.
Hired 1 employee, wohoo!

Room for improvement:

There are still days when I sit down for too long trying to finish something.
Take those 5m breaks every hour. I do take them at least every other hour… but it can be rough if I skip more than one a day.
Kicking off other breaks - need more easy ways to do it.
Brainstorm more of what I'm good at and do more of that. Reduce what I'm doing that is not in this area.

Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Technically I did this in April, but I'm very excited to have booked a silent meditation retreat and will talk about it next quarter for sure.

Room for improvement

Not doing evening meditations or inversions regularly. Would really like to tend to my neck and back with those.
Walking meditation too, after work
Busywork - happens more rarely that I jump around, but it does.

Celebrations:

Reached 600 consecutive days of meditation!
Enjoying where I live more. Especially with gardening. And, by traveling elsewhere too, I appreciate when I come back home.
Investing in the home - fixing up the fence, in progress.
I often think about compounding, big picture, and helping direct our team to work well on their own, with kindness. I enjoy leadership.
Passing feedback to help improve a team members' work has me worried at times, and it's helpful to remember people want to do well, and they want to improve.

Present and future

How are you now? How do you want to be feeling and living?

I feel so much joy for being on this kite trip in the DR, and even before this for celebrating family birthdays, spending time with family, traveling, getting married to my partner. Grateful for my partner and for our relationship growing, our open conversations, our hopes for improvement.

The biggest stressors have been at work - project deliverables, budgets, dotting all the i's. Hiring a perfectionist and having to mediate that with the client. Overall, though, it's been less stress than before, and even though the business has grown, the stress overall has not. Excited for sales improvements coming soon, to help us with larger projects.

I continue to think more long term and feel more relaxed about time and that's helped me enjoy the present even more. I remember a moment listening to my partner's family work through some challenges, and noting how "old me" would have tuned out or tried to talk more, but instead it felt good to just listen, it seemed like that's what was needed.

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2021-12-19T13:13:00-07:00

Why?
Gut feelings
2021 in review
What now?
Final reflection

Why?

I like to start with why. Why am I doing this? To have a sense of direction and purpose. To steer from a high level - with perspective.

This year I'm changing my process to be more top-down, and intention based. The key results - measurable items, are still there, but they were connected last.

Past: 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.

Gut feelings

So what do I want and need? What's my gut say? What are powerful questions to ask?

The theme for 2022 is integrity. Integrity means more than one thing:

Wholeness, completeness - awareness of the whole, of limits and boundaries, and living while honoring those
Trust and honesty - with oneself, first and foremost
Wholeheartedness. Service of oneself and others.

Living with integrity means meeting my body, heart, mind, and soul where they're at and going from there. A secondary theme, or word, (is) "ease." (see what I did there?), for example: living with ease.

This year, I'd like to focus more on intention and look at behaviors to determine what my goals actually are. More of a top-down, than a bottom-up approach.

That said, I'm very much a fan of measurable goals, so I'll be looking at some concrete ways to do so. One of the friction (or resistance) points of goal setting and review has been the long list of "todos", and so this year I'm making a conscious effort to limit the list lengths to 4 items at the top level.

2021 in review

Two main stressors came through this year:

Physical pain and nutrition. I've given myself more reign to gain muscle, and have in the process hurt my muscles and my digestion. 2022 seeks to continue working the muscles, with ease, while easing in with nutrition and heart strengthening movement.
Mentally, there was too much going on at times, too many hats to wear, and things to balance. I've joined a business group to help with this, in part, but my day to day practices have fallen behind. Also, I've had more frequent headaches.

For 2021 I wanted to:

Physical: Moving with Joy
Emotional: Nurture All Things
Mental: Spacious
Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

Physical: Moving with Joy

Grade: A-

Affirmation:

I nurture my body every day, and move with joy, free of pain.

I did the Pain Free exercises diligently at first. While I noticed an improvement, I wouldn't say I'm pain free. Unfortunately I also had more headaches this year than I anticipated - the main reason for the grade. One step I took right at the end was to adjust my eyeglasses prescription to be friendlier to computer work.

Well:

Look for opportunities to increase movement: avoid the nearest bathroom, daily walks. I did walk more, especially outside, this year. Even when it was cold. Got nice warm clothing too, to be more comfortable.
Continue to do yoga daily
Continue chiropractic 1x/mo, massages 2h+/mo, baths 2x+/mo, acupuncture
- After bath, lay with eye pillow before bed, use eye drops
While at desk:
- Work standing 2x+/day for 30m+ or more. Did this consistently, much of the year. Also upgraded my desk end of last year, which helped with a reminder builtin.
- Invert 5-10m. Didn't do this very consistently on the actual inversion table. But I did do the neck pillow more often, so that's a win.
No work after 8pm
Kite (10+ days/year). Did not supplement with biking or running.
Nutrition: do one cleanse (April), continue eating local, CSA. Drink 4+ glasses of water per day. If I could give this A++, I would. I drink plenty of water, did a cleanse, and have eaten very local in 2021. In fact, the default was: eat from the local market and CSA first, and supplement only if the market doesn't have it.
Continue investing in work environment. Didn't feel like getting a 2nd monitor, the one I have seems enough - but I'm considering it next year. Grounding my feet now. Got a better quality mic and rearranged the desk for better lighting. This feels like a B: I did a bit, but still feels there is more I could do.
Muscle building 8-15lbs. I did not start in April, but I absolutely achieved this goal. I gained 15lbs this year and most of it is muscle. This had some unfortunate downsides - contributed to headaches, and with lots of protein and fat my cholesterol is higher now. But since I'm at a happy weight now and just looking to turn a bit more muscle and tone, 2022 will bring more focus on cardio, finally.

Nell:

Yin and load balancing postures, 20-40m daily (inspired by The Egoscue Method)
Cardio 90m or more per week at high intensity, or 150m at mid/low intensity
While at desk:
- Rest eyes, neck, and shoulders 15m+ every 2h - I didn't really honor these breaks. In Q4 I switched to 5m every hour, OK to skip one but not two, and try to do 10m if skipping one. This has been working much better, even though it's nearly the same idea.
- Headaches. This has been a recurring issue and I'm really keen to break through on it next year.

Ultimate goal: To feel good about my body, keep it strong and mobile. Avoid long periods of sitting still.

Emotional: Nurture All Things

Grade: A-

Affirmation:

I release emotions and channel them gently towards connection and fun, creative endeavors.

Emotionally this year was good, definitely an improvement in my wellbeing there. In some ways I stressed and still got angry and loud with myself at times, but I've also found more joy (theme of the year), and really took care of my body at times: lots of baths. Also connected more with people, and spent more time focusing on the big picture: nourishing emotional habits :)

Well:

Play. Games with friends (board games, console games). No guitar or keyboard, but plenty of games and socializing with friends.
Nurture and joy with family: spend quality time with them. Give, more. I feel this went very well, though of course I could see my family more often - mainly, I just wanna stop making myself feeling guilty about it, it's not very helpful.
Travel: 3 road trips, 3 flights - done
- Flights, 4: Baja MX, Tennessee, LA, Europe
- Road trips, 3: Hot springs all around :)
3-day solo trip (in MX)
Meditate: 15m/day - heck yes. I'm at 480+ days of consecutive meditation, with only a few freebies!
Breathwork sessions, once a quarter (carry over). Did maybe 2 of these, but I don't want to carry it over. I'll probably still do one or two next year.
Monthly reflections, quarterly reviews - Done! Proud to have written 3 quarterly reflections this year.
Daily and weekly gratitudes. Celebrate accomplishments. Celebrate anniversaries.
Do nothing for one hour each week. Not very consistent, but I'm counting it as I had a weekly reminder and honored it 1-2x/month. I've decided not to carry over much into next year - the reminder will stay but it's not an explicit goal.

Nell:

Take time off: 2 weeks per quarter
- Some quarters I took a bit less, so I came closer to 5-6 weeks for the year. It's been tougher to step away with the business growing. I really want 6 weeks to be my minimum, and to fret less while I step away - it's OK if I check in an hour a day a few times a week, but not stressfully or unhappily. To be fair, it's also been a tough year still, with the pandemic.
- This was a theme last year too. It's a tough one, but I still think I can improve on it.
Maintain a list of things I enjoy to do by myself
- I do have a list, but I haven't grown it or referenced it very much. It's a good idea and one I could benefit from if I placed it more prominently. I have a follow-up for this.
Continue reading about emotional and sexual health. - I've read some about leadership and values, and prioritized my values which has helped emotionally. Also had great insights with friends. Slack, the book, inspired me to build more space into my life.
Allow myself one cheat day a week - free from any to-dos and burdens. Did not work, not carrying over. I think it's the structure that fails me - the idea is more about feeling free to ignore my habits and checklist of items for a day, but I end up wanting to have more flexibility. Needs some thought. My new approach is to take small steps and leave more space in between (see - Slack)

Ultimate goal: To grow my nurturing side and connect with family and friends.

Mental: Spacious

Grade: A

Affirmation:

I have just enough time and space for everything I need. My mind is attentive and patient.

I wouldn't say I have a very spacious mind, but I've felt joy and space in my morning routines at times. And though I've had more headaches this year, there have been weeks where I really felt my attention was where it should be.

The reason for the A is overcoming the challenge of business growth and focus. Even though I had days when my brain was fried at the end, most days I felt sharp and focused and able to use my strengths. Given the emotional challenges of the year, pandemic, and headaches, this is worth celebrating. I'm hopeful to have less mind-on-fire feeling next year, by breathing deeper, taking more breaks, and just accepting that most of what I stress about having to do, can wait. Really.

Well:

Plan day under-loaded, leave 1h+ for unanticipated work items, and be efficient. - Done, I even left 2 hours.
Continue with career coach - Done, though a bit less.
Max 6 hour workdays. Half-day Fridays (end work by 2:30pm).
- Done, but I think this goal harmed other goals (headaches also). Instead of this, I'd like to set a time within which I work, and aim to finish early instead. So I'm looking at 10-6 now, and would love to finish by 4 majority of days.
Strictly take 3 15m+ breaks during each workday.
- With lunch and snack break, I took 2 most days, and occasionally 3. I did have shorter days (see above) and the pressure of squeezing that into my workday cracked this habit and stressed me out.
Leadership
- Refine business goals, and mission. - Done, and got feedback. Not finished but getting closer.
- Ask great questions! (carry-over) - Done but would like to do more.
- Hire 1-2 employees and delegate to them. - Done, 1 and would like another
- Continue to improve and document our processes. - Done, and getting help for this
Read 4 business books, and 8 non self-help books (fiction, memoirs, etc).
- Absolutely done. I could have read more, but after reaching this goal in Q3, I mainly coasted the rest of the year, focusing mostly on audiobooks.
Invest in joy and nurture at Uplift, too: fun with the team, encouragement, share, help team grow in 1:1s.
- I committed to meeting everyone I was paired with by our virtual-coffee. Can do more on this, planned for next year.
Complete financial review and re-balancing.
- Done! Feels great. It was a long time coming, but very rewarding. And thanks to a friend for starting me a bit into crypto investing, as well - with some doubts about its energy use.

Nell:

Weekly 2-hour creative afternoon. - this structure isn't working, but instead I ended up planning for 2 hours of free time daily (not necessarily continuously, and not every single day, but many days). This worked and I'm excited to continue leaving open ended time in my workday. Some of that time is naturally spent doing creative work.

Ultimate goal: To work in my zone of genius and feel spacious - as opposed to cramped and doing too many things.

Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

Grade: B+

Affirmation:

I am present and joyfully connected to nature.

Lots of joy this year, and connection to nature at home - gardening was an absolute joy, and so was having plants. At some point we got over a dozen herbs from the farmers market. Though many didn't make it to winter, a few did. Along with a couple books about gardening and some neighborly talk, this year turned out to be a joy with nature, at home!

Well:

Inhabit the house with plants. At least 5 more plants, but the possibilities are endless. - Done.
Take 2+ hot springs trips - Done
See also Mental goals
- Lead with joy and nurture - Done
- Continue career coaching - Did a bit less coaching, but joined a small business group that's enjoyable.
- Mentor/coach others myself - Did a bit of this, still room for more.
Meditate
- only did morning, but was consistent
- One long session per week, Sundays
- Meditation retreat (3+ days)
Solo trip, do nothing 1h/day for 3+ days. - Done and chilled.

Nell:

Breathwork was not quarterly, but I did 2.
Meditate
- Did not do evenings, or one long session per week. I'll reduce this to 5-10m, which I do some days.
- Did not do meditation retreat (3+ days)

Ultimate goal: Joyful attention and intention.

2020 goals

Brief check in on 2020 goals, has anything substantial changed?

Physical: Revitalize
- [+] (grouping most +s that are continued) Continued daily yoga, chiro and massage, standing at desk, inverting more, (bit of) investing in work environment, sleeping plenty, eating local and well (for my goals - to reduce dairy for 2022), waking up without alarm (not sure if I ever used one this year - maybe a couple times?)
- [-] Not much cardio this year - to be addressed!
- [-] Did not take breaks as frequently at desk, trying to squeeze in too much into the "allotted time"
- [-] Had more gluten and skin breakouts
- [+/-] Read and practiced Pain Free and will continue at times, but was not as helpful as I hoped for any pain - mainly helped with knee and hips.
- [+] Muscle gain - success, +15lbs in total weight! And joining a gym helped, too, probably drive the second half of the gain.
- [-] Got more headaches
Emotional: Feelin in my bod
- [+] Gave (donated) even more this year. As I suspected, the rolled over budget has accumulated and motivated me. Gave emotionally as well, more this year.
- [+] Continued gratitude journal and weekly gratitude jar
- [+] Meditated more dilligently, though not 2x/day
- [+] Played more, with friends and family too!
- [+] More sexual expression this year, and communication. Room for more, still!
- [+] Traveled to new countries - Denmark, France (only Nice was new, but loved it)
- [-] Still could take more time off
- [+] Did not journal, but did reflect. Don't have a huge drive so will drop this for now, it'll come back when the time is right.
- [+] Got more time to myself, though still would like more, or rather - to use it more wisely.
Mental: Work Health Philosophy 3.0
- [+] Definitely shorter workdays. I probably worked the shortest workdays this year, on a consistent basis - though with the business growing that was very stressful at times, and didn't result in fewer headaches necessarily. Time to focus more on balance than on measurements.
- [+] Pretty good about taking half day Fridays. This shall continue to be a thing. Same for limiting work in the evenings.
- [+] Still disconnected from work 3+ days, though I wanted one or two more times of this. Probably because of the first bullet.
- [+] Continued leadership, had some good insights, support and guidance this year.
- [+] Continued reading - not as much as last year, but my goal was intentionally lower and I met it.
- [-] Not until December did my breaks become more frequent. Look forward to this habit sticking.
- [+] Focusing on priorities using passion planner worked. Focusing on big picture using a Delegate Doc also helped. Don't fix if it ain't broken.
- [-] Would like to write more. Hiring someone to help us with this on business front.
- [+] Better about context switching, though there were definitely days my brain was a bit fried. Delegating nearly all coding has helped tremendously, as my mind isn't switching from deep focus to another deep focus.
Spiritual: Quantuition
- [+] Continued meditation, creative work, less action/more thought, abundance all over
- [-] Miss meditating for longer periods
- [+] Did a couple breathworks, though not very formal
- [-] Still didn't do long meditation sessions. Dropping this as a goal, but it's certainly still welcome.
- [+] Solo trip was better, more relaxed!
- [+/-] Did nothing a bit more, but inconsistently.

What now?

I spent many hours reflecting on how 2021 has been, and the direction I'm heading into for 2022. Questions:

What would serve me most?
What was particularly challenging in 2021? Where did I struggle most to align with my values?
What would living with integrity look like?

And the answer to the latter is… mindfulness, really. Awareness of my behaviors, patterns, struggles. Focusing on the positive, though, it's to notice when my body, heart, mind or soul are heading into an unpleasant space, as often as possible, and gently pause and reorient them in a beneficial direction. OK, ok, maybe that still sounds focused on the negative - though indirectly. The flipside would be to take deep breaths, frequently, and pause, asking: does this moment serve me? am I living with integrity? am I resisting?

On a more inspirational note, if it was December 2022 today and I looked back on the year, what would I notice? How would I feel different, how would my life be different? What are the best outcomes? Visualize them.

I'm proud to have done my quarterly reflections on this blog. These quarterly reviews provided quality time with myself and a look at the general direction of each goal. Since I spend so much time reflecting on the year, I won't do a separate quarterly reflection for Q4 - it's incorporated into this post. And without further ado, 2022's intentions:

Physical: Move With Ease
Emotional: Embrace What Is
Mental: Part of a Whole
Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Physical: Move With Ease

Intention (formerly Ultimate Goal):

Enjoy movement and stretching. Expand boundaries with ease - cardio, muscle, in gentle steps.

Affirmation:

I love my body and see how it's all connected. My body wants to be healthy and strong, and is constantly healing itself. It wants to move with ease.

I feel drawn to more cardio, but I've been resisting it.

The 'lets:

Do at least one hour of movement per day. Bonus if 20 minutes or more are high-intensity (cardio).
- Live with the seasons and with the day/night cycle.
- Plan time away from the screen around sunrise and sunset - use a simple routine, like misting the plants, to center and kick off the break.
- Ground 2x daily, at least 5 minutes each time (including barefoot outside).
Move with ease.
- Hike, swim, run, bike, rock climb - do what's easiest. Allow myself to have options. Take advantage of what opportunities are around me, with the seasons or with facilities.
- Continue working with trainer. Increase cardio in strength workouts.
- Ease in budget as well. Invest in personal health, aim to spend towards it (aim to hit this and think of it as a minimum). Includes gym spending, preventative care, work environment support
Invest in office health and balance (also related to mental)
- fight dry eye (humidifier, eye drops, diffuser)
- kettlebell, trampoline
- Stand right after breakfast and after lunch
Gut health
- balance gut flora (bacteria), eliminate parasites
- reduce bloat and gas
- gluten free for 3+ months, dairy free for 1+ month

Emotional: Embrace What Is

Intention (formerly Ultimate Goal):

Understand what's driving my behavior, and accept my inclinations.

Example anger and frustration, am I seeking them, or creating them? Embrace what life offers me.

Affirmation:

I do, listen, and speak wholeheartedly.

The 'lets:

Healthier relationship with work. How to do this?
- I associate too much self worth with working hard and being dependable, responsive, etc
- Treat my office with love and positivity. Notice if I feel stress or resistance in this room.
- If I step away, I fear that people will think less of me, when in fact I'm holding myself to a much higher bar than others would.
- Switch sides - imagine what you would think if you were the other (empathy!) and realize it's much gentler, usually, than what you imagine from this side
Surrender and take control.
- Anger is a blanket emotion. Do I feel enslaved by all my responsibilities? Wanting to break free? Do I feel a lack of control?
- Find more freedom in my daily schedule (or lack thereof) and my life.
- Release through movement (kitesurf, rock climb, swim, yoga/stretch).
- Accept doing nothing more often. Especially when I'm alone.
Collaboration
- This year will be a lot about collaboration and empowering others around me to do their best and shine, while pointing my personal and professional life in desirable, sustainable, rewarding directions.
- Lean on others, guide others also. Socialize and get out more.
- Find joy and teamwork, share fun experiences, etc. We hired help for this and hope to do more!
- Seek others perspective, proactively, more frequently. Maybe ask questions about what they think of your contribution or of a shared experience, or an experience you may not have had and want to understand.
- Get coached more on biz side. Small business group as well.

Mental: Part of a Whole

Intention (formerly Ultimate Goal):

Create with ease, from within, through the breath.

Affirmation:

Is this urgent or bleak? It's OK to feel this way. You don't have to finish everything right now. Though you don't believe me, come back later and it'll seem better.

Do I not-so-secretly believe intense, painful concentration and hold-your-breath execution is the most productive way to GSD? Flip this on its head. Breathing and a comfortable posture enhance focused, brilliant, creative thinking - DUH! So, why do I act on this reductionist misbelief?

Perhaps, at times, my mind is trying to convince me that we're separate when, in fact, we're a team. My mind is part of a whole: Paul, sense of self, ego, brain vs body, whatever you call it. Mind, please feed body with breath, relax and allow for better habits and steps back - no fear, no fret that inspiration will elude me, or the answers are hard to find - just allow the mind to work on the present task, with ease, without worrying about other things.

What are my strengths and natural inclinations? Do they serve me? How can those come through to bring a shine in my life?

The 'lets:

Breathe deeply, frequently.
- Detach, release, Fight the "one more thing and then I'm done" mindset that drags on staring at the screen.
- Attach breathing to small activities, like taking a sip of water/tea.
- Remember, 99.99% of mental panic is unnecessary - don't get so attached to what the mind is telling you right now.
- Pay attention to my thought patterns: making myself feel bad about any failure or shortcoming
Office habits
- Some of these are spoken about in the physical section, like having fun with kettlebell and trampoline
- Taking 5m breaks every hour has been working. Mindset being that, if I miss one it's OK, try and take 10 minutes the next hour. Have not had headaches as frequently thanks to this.
- Kick off other breaks with easy routines - brainstorm this.
- Focused within 10-6. Would love to finish by 4 majority of days. Outside this window it's brief emails or replies, only (ideally <30m) and not frequently - say, 1x morning and 2x evening, on the busiest of days.
Lean into my strengths
- Similar idea to zone of genius
- Do more of what I'm good at. Create my day and week such that those mental efforts have a higher chance of heading in the right direction, and of going uninterrupted for 60-90 minutes.
- Examples: deep focus. Creative work. Leadership, ideation, big picture focus.
- Ask great questions (carry over)
- Hire 2+ more employees.

Spiritual: Wholehearted Collaboration

Intention (formerly Ultimate Goal):

Manifest from within and work together.

Affirmation:

I trust myself with my heart, and inspire others humbly, to make the world better, together.

Bring forth beautiful creations through collaboration. This is tied into the emotional side, and adds universe's compounding contributions, from the spiritual perspective. Almost like focusing on the systems and their compounding effects, assembling a team and collaborating together after manifesting individually would lead to a grand creation, much larger than the sum of its parts.

The 'lets:

Wholeheartedness. Integrity.
- Find love and balance in every action and thought.
- Love where I live. Love the home. Make it feel more homey. Invest in it.
- Seek contentment and share contentment with others. Or peace.
- Depend on myself. Set myself up for success and take small steps before running at a target.
Big picture focus
- Less busywork, more presence.
- Reminder that yes, detail oriented output is valuable, but not focusing on the minutia while neglecting what's the true reason behind doing it.
- Look at teams and compounded benefits, systems. Lead with inspiration, motivation, by example, and with kindness.
- Meditate 2x/day. Maybe a walking meditation after work? 10m inversion? Standing out in the backyard?
Detach from ego
- Surrender outcome and focus on collaboration. Inspired somewhat by lateral thinking - suspend immediate judgment and allow for possibility.
- Dissolution of ego in favor of team and shared vision.
- Remember that people just want to be happy. Don't panic when you fall short, just accept it, take responsibility and ownership, learn from it. It's OK to be a shitty person sometimes, people have shitty days.
- 2+ day meditation retreat, deep inner journey, or some sort of multiday inner commitment and exploration.

Final Reflection

A wholehearted, joyful thank you to 2021. I'm a bit amused by the Comedy Fort saying from a recent email: "Adios 2021, the bar was set so low by 2020 and you still managed to let us down." And it has been a tough year for the world, in many ways.

Spring here was one of the wettest we've had, and somehow the rest of the year was super dry - it didn't snow until the last day of the 2021.

I enjoyed gardening over the summer, grew lots of cherry tomatoes - ate over 1,000! And other plants, too.
Furnished the home bit by bit, decorated.
Christmas was beautiful, full of gifts.
My birthday was bittersweet, I cried and definitely feel older.
Traveled and it went very well. Somehow wrapped up another year COVID-free. Really enjoyed Europe.
Business doubled this year. Started off the year strong and kept growing. Stressful, at times - reigning this in for 2022 may be a challenge, but I hope at least half of the hard part is over :)
Living with the seasons - through diet (CSA) and exercise (more in summer, less in winter)
Disconnected with hot springs trips a few times, and really enjoyed one with family and a new location with my partner at Strawberry Park + hot/cold experience
Biggest snow storm ever this year - with pictures!
First Red Rocks experience! Dirty heads.
Gaining muscle. I've gained 15 lbs this year, much of it muscle, and I'm proud of it. Now, I can focus more on strength and balance, supporting my body in more ways, and with help.
Saw my nephew more. Played, talked to him. Lovely, joyful kid!
Hung out with a group of friends several times and had so much fun!
Gratitude jar - one weekly gratitude, a sustained habit for the year.

To living life with ease, wholeheartedly. To treating others and myself with integrity and kindness!

Q3 Reflections and resolutions follow-up

2021-10-03T12:35:00-06:00

Another quarter in the past. Amazing to be alive and healthy, and even thriving, in these times.

Grew tomatoes in the garden this year and, really, easily over 1,000 cherry tomato fruits to harvest. Garlic did pretty well considering it didn't even get watered - and in big part that's thanks to a rainy spring. Excited to have had some rewards for the labor, and continue to grow into 2022.

Revisit resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Moving with Joy
Emotional: Nurture All Things
Mental: Spacious
Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

Physical: Moving with Joy

I've been diligent about 3x/week weight exercises. After a few weeks of struggling to gain any weight by tracking just protein, starting to track calorie intake and that has lead to eating so much more. At first it was difficult to eat SO much. And at times still is. Was very focused on low-carb as well and this was extra difficult, since high-fat foods are so filling - I was even eating plenty of calories and still not gaining much. In adding more carbs, I wanted to do it as mindfully as possible - and the seasons made it easier with fruit. Complex carbs also, like potatoes, sweet potatoes, rice pasta, joined in. So I'm actually at the heaviest I've been in a while, about 8 pounds over my starting weight of the year.

I also move more, have joined a (climbing) gym, and walked a ton during travels. Continue to do yoga and stand at my desk. At times did the pain-free maintenance program routinely in the evenings and that was really nice. Another shoulder/neck yoga routine that's 10m has also stood out for its amazing results.

Room for improvement:

Cardio. Perhaps going into winter, I'll have a bit of chance to do some, but really this has turned more into a desire to follow up the weight gain with muscle maintenance + cardio in the spring. Much more sustainable.
Breaks have gotten a bit easier, but not great. The toughest is when I'm really busy, juggling a bunch of different items and wanting to wrap them all up before I take my break. This mindset of "I'll just finish this and then..." is what's been the major obstacle. I do look in the distance, and I do stand diligently 2-3x/day, and I don't work very long workdays. One idea is to literally just take 3 breaths every 20m, when I see the 20s timer. Unless I am in a meeting, it's easy to do – and even then.
Structure the day so that 15m every 90m are an opportunity to rest and step away. Effectively every 2h have 15-30m open.
I did a bit of trampolining every week, but not daily. Still, I enjoy it and am glad it's there.
Digestion - I seem to accumulate bloat during the day and my digestion could be more stable. It's gotten better with this cleanse, but I'll be looking for more here. I may have slacked on water a bit?
Somewhat frequent headaches/eye sores, and neck/shoulder stiffness. Yoga focus has been helping, but not enough to counter those long days of "plowing through."

Celebrations:

I've been better about taking breaks between meetings.
Gaining weight - and muscle. Circumference tape measurements confirm it, and while some of it is (belly) fat, it's really gratifying to be able to gain muscle! Maintenance will help when it comes time to trim the fat (ha). Tracking my calorie and protein intake has been sufficient.
Started another cleanse last week
Walked a LOT during the trip to Europe, guess at least 26 miles. Also took bicycles, and e-bikes for the first time.
So much great food, especially chocolate, cheese, wine, croissants. During the trip I only gained 2-3lbs, and then within 3 days of coming back I nearly lost them all.
SO many cherry tomatoes.
Continued every other week massages. Continued weekly baths.
Sleeping early and very well.
Continued yoga and stretching, work standing, semi-regular neck pillow.
My wrists haven't hurt in SO long! My arms are feeling great, too.

I feel bigger. And definitely stronger. I'm continue to stretch and move my hips, and that + the butt/glutes is where I'd like to see more improvement in my body.

I also seem to get headaches more frequently. They're primarily eye strain related.

Emotional: Nurture All Things

Vacation has been so emotionally nourishing. It was probably the first vacation in 5 years, besides the holidays, when I could really step away and enjoy where I am without feeling like I'm running behind on something.

Room for improvement:

Sleep during busy times is a challenge. Having more time to process would be great, but that's inherently scarce during busy time. A bath helps, a massage helps. At the end of day though, I must have boundaries as to HOW busy I allow things to get. With self compassion I can see that it's difficult, as a business owner, to predict all of the ups and downs and when a time is going to be extra busy. Still, life is so much more pleasant when I'm under capacity VS over. The high of a busy lifestyle is overrated and NOT worth it. Blocking out time helps, and keeping this in check so that a busy week can be followed by a more lax week is really good too.
Would still like to use those top-10 thought patterns as a reference.
Select my top 1-2 values. These 2 are the likely ones: Learning (comes with Curiosity and Joy) and Wealth (comes with Growth and Health, since wealth without health isn't worth much). Wealth feels like my top value right now.

Celebrations:

Surrender exercises - not daily, but I do them multiple times a week. And what I'm finding is, a lot of times, I've had such a great day and not much has piled up.
Baths
365+ days of continuous meditation! (achieved this week). This is a HUGE milestone and I can tell it's compounded my mental health so much, especially during such a tough year for humankind and the planet.
Vacation. What an emotionally uplifting experience!
Target of 10-3 workday with a longer Monday and a shorter Friday (on average, not during busy times - room for improvement)
Mentorship and client meetings feel more human and nurturing than before. I have more fun and connect better, it seems? Not quite sure what's changing, but something is!
Family holiday in the mountains, so nice!
Lovely trips and sights, food (for the soul), and slower pace of life. Really enjoyed Denmark biking and relaxed lifestyle! Even got a hygge shirt :)
Leadership improvements - had a call with another mentor and more insights. Very grateful to business clients for allowing us to grow and add a PM.

Really happy with Q3. Good for the body and for my emotional health. A couple supplements are great help as well - e.g. vitamin B and D.

I still catch myself frustrated and messing stuff up, taking the long way instead of the patient way. The book Slack by Tom DeMarco really resonated with me, I've been gradually implementing more parts of it into my life. Mainly, to avoid having back-to-back scheduled times, to leave space to adapt.

Mental: Spacious

My favorite mind improvement is very much related to meditation. Generally more content and less reactive. The spacious aspect has come through from good boundaries around my work life as well, giving me more time to enjoy life and care for myself. Great stuff! 2 hours per day of unplanned work time have been very helpful, and it's only tough to do when I have a lot of calls.

A growing business has also worked my mind in new ways, without stressing me out (for the most part!)

I do still rush. I do it especially before I'm about to enjoy something - I caught myself delaying an enjoyable snack for example. That sounds cruel in writing, but psychologically it makes a ton of sense. Instead of doing it this way, I now focus more on taking the time to enjoy each thing.

Mantra "I have plenty of time", helpful.

Room for improvement:

Very similar to the quarter before. Resting my mind more between chunks of work.
Peer review the mission - I did another iteration.
Make a will, could wait until I have kids though.

Celebrations:

Did my financial review and am almost finished with the insurance side of it, as well. Feels great!
Working shorter workdays. Super exciting to have weeks where I'm able to do that.
Transitioning most of the programming to the team. Some of the code review, as well.
Continued process focus, hiring people in new roles to help us.
Read another business book, Slack by Tom DeMarco.
Lots of joy and nurture, through work and also personal.
Even better about 6h workdays and headed to 5. There are still longer days, especially on busier weeks when projects start, etc.
Had a coaching session with Marius, went well!

Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

Summer! So great for the spirit. So nurturing to be able to travel, spend time with family, with the garden, eat a ton of fruit, and more.

Room for improvement

Not doing long meditation sessions or retreat yet.
Not doing breathworks as often. Though I am doing a lot of reflection and focus on breath, stretching, etc. I don't feel like it's a huge piece I'm missing, though know it would be enjoyable and inspiring.
Inconsistent about the 2nd meditation. Happens some days.

Celebrations:

Achieved: 2+ hot springs trips, with 1 more on the way
Scaled back the plants, and tried to grow shiso again - tough stuff. Garden did so well in summer!
Really enjoy leadership now and feel calmer during more difficult moments
More time with nature - picture of owl, warbler. Lost and buried a wild pet bunny (Jet!)

Still doing the daily joys. Got to kite in Denmark in the rain, that was a very joyous and nature experience!

Present and future

To frame in a more mindful way (inspired by Headspace meditations): How are you now? How do you want to be feeling and living?

You feel joy and lightness. Getting back to the gym, traveling, socializing, eating with the seasons. So many good experiences in Q3! You feel very connected to nature. One remarkable benefit since returning from Europe has been getting up early - at the crack of dawn really.

It's harder to write in the second person I'm noticing - so will switch for now.

Q4 is a wrap up of the year. It's time to slow down and live even more spaciously than before. It's not about stopping altogether, more about steady, slow flow. Look forward to the CSA for the 2nd year in a row. Also will be rounding out the first full year in a new house. A couple of trips. Family time. Vacation. Smooth transitions. Guiding the way with patience, nurture. I'm really content with where I'm at and contentfully looking to the next 3 months, as well.

With Uplift, funny I was looking forward to more sales and marketing. I ended up de-prioritizing marketing altogether, since we are getting plenty of referrals through our network. Focus was a lot more on HR, project management, and sales.

During trip to Europe/vacation I got the chance to reflect more on who I am. I'm a nourishing leader and a guide. I have incredible focus, and steadiness. I'm finding more and more balance and contentment in sustained growth (versus do-it-fast and worry about it later).

Q3 Personal Reflections

2021-07-11T18:32:00-06:00

I took some time to reflect on what life brings me for Q3. Questions I started with:

What has given me the most joy and vitality?
What has worried me the most?
How can I get my life more in alignment with my values?

Using Brene Brown's List of 100 values, what are my top 5? And preferrably, narrow it to two.

Here's my first pass at narrowing down:

Accountability
Balance
Curiosity
Growth
Health
Initiative
Integrity
Joy
Justice
Knowledge
Learning
Openness
Optimism
Perseverance
Reliability
Resourcefulness
Risk-taking
Self-discipline
Service
Spirituality
Wealth
Well-being
Wholeheartedness

Another pass, down to 10:

Balance
Curiosity
Health
Integrity
Joy
Learning
Openness
Perseverance
Wealth
Wholeheartedness

Another pass, down to 5:

Curiosity
Health
Joy
Learning
Wealth

Q2 Reflections and resolutions follow-up

2021-06-29T16:18:00-06:00

Halfway through 2021, seems hard to believe. Time has sure breezed by!

REvisit resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Moving with Joy
Emotional: Nurture All Things
Mental: Spacious
Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

Physical: Moving with Joy

Most notably I'm doing weight exercises now. Have not been moving substantially more from my desk during the workday, but overall I have increased movement since I take more walks, do weights, longer yogas, and evening yin/load balancing.

Room for improvement:

Cardio more frequently. Still not doing that. Lots more walks, but no dedicated cardio.
Still a struggle to take breaks during the workday. I do look in the distance more, but don't take breaks really. I'm a bit stumped on this, one idea is to schedule meetings for 25 minutes.
Kind of dropped off doing trampolining.

Celebrations:

Doing weights consistently, at least through June (April and May were still cold, not a motivator to work out). Have gained some muscle - hope to track my protein to make it easier.
Cleanse went well in April. Could use more consistent digestion still, I feel so bloated at times.
Pain free / yin exercises continued
Amazing food this year, at home and during travel
Loving the spring and summer fruits and veggies: salads, strawberries, tomatoes (especially cherries).
Consistent weekly massages through May, switching to every other week for the summer - feels amazing. Baths frequently really help as well, I feel so relaxed and rejuvenated after. Continued chiropractic care as well.
Eye drops (just filtered water, haha). Used eye pillow too - forgot about it for a while but have been lately, especially as I fall asleep listening to audiobooks.
Consistent daily yoga
Consistently work standing 2x a day
Semi-regular neck pillow to help reverse the office hump
Using a split keyboard proficiently. Have not invested further in work environment, but I enjoy and use what I have.

I feel more mobile and stronger. Love the weight workouts for sure. I still sit still for longer periods than I'd like to, especially in the afternoons.

Emotional: Nurture All Things

Substantially less frustration in Q2, even with a growing business.

Room for improvement:

Surrender exercises - mornings and evenings.
Use those top-10 thought patterns as a reference, they're just sitting on my desk now.
I occasionally look at what I enjoy to do by myself, but for the most part I do the same couple of things - coffee shops, baths.

Celebrations:

Continued regular baths are awesome.
Planned time off, with family a flight, and at home.
Also helpful to work majority shorter days.
With weights, I give myself room to "cheat" or eat whatever I want, especially on Fridays. Seems to work alright.
Have been doing "nothing" a bit more, like laying around, or looking at the yard, or chilling on the couch.
Read a book on EQ (Dare to lead from Brene Brown)
Continued steady meditation practice, over 260 days in a row, though afternoons can be less consistent.
Playing lots of games - lately, Overcooked
Spent some time with family, invited mom over
Have two upcoming flight/trips planned (one US, one Europe)
Doing these quarterly reviews, and monthly reflections!
Counting Dare to lead as a business book. Started a second business book
Leadership: OKRs are going well, hired an employee, continued on our processes.

Did some nurturing at work with the team, especially as we hired a new employee. Would like to do more.

I still catch myself rushing, more on that in the mental.

Mental: Spacious

With over 250 consecutive days of meditation, I feel more space. I also read this article about Efficiency vs Slack, and have more appreciation than before for keeping my life spacious.

I now "unplan" 2 hours per day. I still rush, especially when I'm excited - and I'd like to buffer more time between my meetings, which I've started doing. I repeat to myself that I have time, and it helps as a mantra.

Room for improvement:

Still taking breaks. I do take some longer ones, but not frequently enough on the shorter ones.
Shared the mission with employees and discussed it, but have not consolidated that into one coherent document.
Lagging on doing my financial review. I have a breakdown and next steps, but haven't put in the time.

Celebrations:

Completed the bulk of my financial review, and taking steps beyond that - such as life/disability insurance. What a relief!
Continued mentorship at work, leadership and process focus.
Continued focus on OKRs, though it's time for Q3 OKRs now!
Continued 6 hour workdays, some going up to 7 but rarely over. And many half days, especially fridays.
Pretty great about 6 hour workdays, though there are quite a few exceptions too. Half-day Fridays are working well.
Planning 1h open has also worked well, part of the daily Passion Planner setup.
Have done coaching and looking to schedule the next one, with Marius.

Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

It has been a more spiritual time, if only because spring has come, I'm gardening regularly, and spend more time outside. Have hiked a bit as well.

Room for improvement

Didn't do another breahtwork.
Not doing long meditation sessions or retreat yet.
More coaching.

Celebrations:

Took 1 hot spring trip, 1 more booked
Leading with nurture, joy as well
Got even more plants. Growing more in the garden.
Epic snowstorm and picture of peregrine falcon. Picture of great horned owl (a big one!)
Consistent reflection monthly, and baths.

I'm continuing to write joys in my daily journal as well!

Present and future

How am I now? What's cooking?

I'm feeling lighter and more mobile. Still wary of my body, especially legs/hips as I sit for long periods. Doing weights and shorter workdays have helped with this. Have been better about resting my eyes in the evenings.

Q3 will be busy and lively, with concerts, trips, family time, nature time, and lots of yum food and drinks. Excited about all of these.

Am also looking forward to more peace and focus on sales/marketing for Uplift.

As for who I am beyond work, I think some of the tips in this networking article relate: someone who takes the time to help, be thoughtful and considerate, and helps oneself as well. I'm also coming to embrace the flexibility of the company we're creating and feel proud to be a part of it and sharing the joys. To a beautiful Q3!

Q1 Reflections and resolutions follow-up

2021-03-24T08:58:00-06:00

Almost a quarter into 2021, and I'm excited to follow through and reflect on how it's been going so far. Also, to add some notes about the present and future wishings!

A look at resolutions

Here were my topics for the year:

Physical: Moving with Joy
Emotional: Nurture All Things
Mental: Spacious
Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

Physical: Moving with Joy

Tracking well. Overall, I feel less soreness, stiffness, and pain (esp in my right leg), and I've increased my movement with walks, weights, trampolining, and a bit of cardio here and there (including shoveling, haha).

Room for improvement:

Cardio more frequently. Nowhere near 90m per week, but hey it's winter
Look forward to do a cleanse in April - reminder is set!
Still a struggle to take breaks when I'm in the zone or overwhelmed with things to do. Try pomodoros to take breaks - or use the 20/20/20 with a few min break. Use small weights, too.
Start weights more in Q2 and gain some weight.

Celebrations:

Pain free / yin exercises regularly, even while traveling
Kited 10 days a year already!
Amazing food this year, at home and during travel
Got small weights for the office to play with
Did some cardio, regular walks, trampolining
Super tasty winter CSA, enjoyed every bit of it. Plus, eating lots of fats this winter.

Moving with joy, the overall theme, has been with me for the year so far. I find ways to move more or walk a little farther.

Emotional: Nurture All Things

As last year was quite frustrating and even aggravating at times, I wanted to take this year and channel my pent up emotions in healthier ways. There has definitely been growth.

Room for improvement:

Let go and don't dwell so much on frustrations and anger. I wrote down my top 10 thought patterns, and a lot of it is repeating things people said, or worrying that something needs to be done, or what others think of me, how could they say x, etc.
Plan time off for Q2 - at least 1 week is planned. 1 more to go, perhaps in June or late May.
The 1x/wk cheat day isn't really happening, but I do allow myself to break out of norms or diets when I want to. Perhaps formalizing this into what it means would help, but I also don't feel a strong need to carve out a whole day.
I don't really spend time doing nothing, but I do take it easier, especially on the weekends. Baths are perhaps the closest I get to this. Set a reminder for this on Sundays to give it a more solid try.

Celebrations:

Did some meditations on acceptance and letting go of stress, with visualizations that have helped. Also reading a book on forgiveness!
Took a solo trip (part of the trip, but longer than 3 days). I really enjoyed it and got into a groove, walked a lot, spent a lot of time in the sun, cooked, and savored all the moments while not working (I also didn't work for at least 3 days).
Mediation practice has been going great, almost a 140 day streak now, with more than half the days getting a 2nd afternoon session in too.
Lots of reflections this year. Using the passion planner, a joy/gratitude journal, and monthly looking back too.
Spent time with family. Though there's always room for more, I decided to stop making myself feel bad, especially since I always make an effort.
1 flight down! 1 more booked. Road trips start in late spring.
Read a great book about emotional health - The Continuum Concept

I feel there's room for improvement in the "nurturing" mindset, too, to be kinder and gentler with myself. I catch myself rushing or jerking around.

Mental: Spacious

With the forgiveness, acceptance, letting go of stress and meditation, on top of regular massages, my mind is much more patient and spacious than before. "I have just enough time" mantra has helped keep at bay that rushed feeling that can be so addictive. I channel some of it into playing games now, and have also been less busy at work, primarily by delegating more and keeping myself out of technical work for new opportunities.

Room for improvement:

Taking longer breaks. I do take 3 breaks per day, but they could be longer, especially the first and last.
Have not worked on the mission as much this year, though had conversations about it often.
Not really doing creative afternoons. Have done a bit. Instead I'm starting my day with focus on internal business priorities, which has helped. This one may need changed.
Lagging on doing my financial review. I have a breakdown and next steps, but haven't put in the time.

Celebrations:

Reading. I'm reading a lot, already at 10 books for the year (only 1 is business). This is amazing!
Have added more joy at Uplift, want to continue this. Also setting up more process around check-ins, but have had 1:1s adhoc.
Pretty great about 6 hour workdays, though there are quite a few exceptions too. Half-day Fridays are working well.
Planning 1h open has also worked well, part of the daily Passion Planner setup.
Have done coaching and looking to schedule the next one, with Marius.

Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

In the spiritual sense, more connection with nature is perhaps the most lacking piece. I did enjoy this on vacation, which is probably easier too - being on the beach and kiting with manta rays jumping around me :) Amazing experience!

Room for improvement:

Doing nothing more often
More plants
More coaching. More mentoring of others, too - have started a bit on this, but there is room for more.
A meditation retreat
Trips to hot springs
Take a deeper look in the mirror

Celebrations:

Did a breathwork session! So uplifting :)
Meditations, 2x daily most times
Got plans! At least 5. Plus, started some seeds and most of them have turned into seedlings and are now growing really well!
Baths and deep breathing
Lots of reflection this year
Family time has been spiritual with being an uncle! The wonders of a child.

More joy in my spirits would be nice. I do feel it there, and with the daily practice of writing joys in a journal, and weekly into a jar, it's taking a front seat.

Present and future

After all that, I wanted to take a few minutes and reflect on how I am now and what's cookin soon.

The main things I look forward to are: feeling stronger, moving more, taking more breaks, resting my eyes, and continuing a lot of the good habits I've established.

Spring will make it easier to spend time outdoors, as well as travel. Look forward to enjoy nature more, perhaps begin to hike and explore Colorado. Perhaps attend some group classes, network.

Am also looking forward to hiring at Uplift, and detaching myself more from some of the engineering and getting more into other aspects of the business, to make it easier to grow and run smoothly.

Have been asking myself a lot: who am I besides work? The most prevalent answer is: I enjoy service and growth. Learning and mentoring, giving and building. I don't have a coherent story yet, but I have hope of one manifesting with directed intention and regular practice and perseverance.

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2020-12-29T16:18:00-07:00

Why?
Gut feelings
Thanks, previous years!
What now?
Final reflection

Why?

I like to start with why. Why am I doing this? By this, I mean 2 things: reflecting, and goal setting.

The value of reflection, or introspection, is feeling what my inside is telling me that I want and need. I really enjoy reflecting and reviewing pieces of myself from the past. I have grown emotionally this year for sure - how could you not during such a tough year? Two tough things stood out:

Reduced movement. Mostly due to not exercising, for several months during the year, except for a daily yoga (20-30m).
Social isolation. I really longed for friends and my kite community. It was also angering and frustrating to feel separated and divided from others in opinion, etc. It didn't help that our political scene was a mess. (Still is?)

Past: 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012.

Gut feelings

So what do I want and need? What's my gut say?

Increased care and mindfulness of my body. Increased calmness and peace. Emotional (self-)nurturing. Continuous compassionate creation and kind improvement.

The theme of 2021 is joy. Joy in life. Joy in self. Joy in others. Joy in business. It may be a long-standing theme, but this is, perhaps, the first year more dedicated to it than ever before.

Joy. Like the joy of a child. It comes with curiosity and also with routine - finding joy in the same ol' same ol'.

The secondary theme is self-nurturing. Learning to nurture myself will also help me be a nurturing partner, family member, friend, and consultant.

Thanks, previous years!

To which accomplishments of 2020 am I giving a shout-out?

I am grateful to this year for:

A joyful, slow summer, where I had more time to relax and enjoy life.
The opportunity to do local road trips instead of flying to faraway places.
Daily yoga - I didn't count, but for sure 300, maybe even 330 days.
Business surviving and re-growing very well.
My coach, for teaching me to move more and more off the technician level and into manager and entrepreneur.

For 2020 I wanted to:

Physical: Revitalize
Emotional: Feelin in my bod
Mental: Work Health Philosophy 3.0
Spiritual: Quantuition

Physical: Revitalize

Grade: B

I did more stretching and resting, and took care of my work environment this year. However, I still fell short on cardio and muscle, and a couple of smaller habits. Also, headaches were a thing.

Well:

Lots and lots of yoga.
Running streak in the spring/summer.
Regular chiropractic and massage
Rested more at the desk. Started using twenny. Standing regularly as well.
Invested in my work environment - better desk, keyboard, laptop.
Got plenty of sleep most nights.
Continued eating well and local.
Woke up without an alarm, almost every day.
Great skin care, hardly ever had outbreaks. No gluten most of the year - which also helped.
Read Pain Free book, and feel inspired to continue improving in 2021.

Nell:

Not much aerobic/cardio.
Not much muscle gain or strengthening. Didn't lose weight, but didn't gain, either.
Didn't rest eyes as much as I wanted, started ignoring notifications.
Didn't invert regularly.
Got headaches 1-2x/month and didn't always stop work.
Didn't nap in the afternoons, except maybe a few times. Gonna drop this one, I've tried it a lot over the years and it's not sticking. Maybe in the future, as my body changes, I give it another chance.

Ultimate goal: To decelerate aging, and revitalize: feel strong, young and healthy.

Emotional: Feelin in my bod

Grade: A-

Overall this is great, and I'm happy and grateful with the progress! There's room for a bit more which is not surprising, adding this next year.

Well:

Gave financially, especially at the end of the year. Could have given more - I had the budget. This will roll over and motivate me to give more.
Gave emotionally, to family mostly.
Had new sexual experiences.
Danced a bit at home - no regular class :(
Traveled to Mexico early in the year, and local road trips during the summer - which were great!
Released emotions fairly well. At times using a recorder.
Lots of gratitude. Daily and monthly. Kept a gratitude journal.
Meditated - about half as much as I hoped?
Played games, solo and with friends.

Nell:

Did not explore healthy sexual expression as much as I hoped. Started, experienced growth, but not too far along.
Did not travel to new countries or celebrate abroad.
Could have taken more time off. At least the summer was slow, so it wasn't as stressful.
Did not journal.
Craved more time in solitude. Though I did get some.

Ultimate goal: To express myself fully and stay connected to my emotions, ride them, and keep my heart open to other people. To feel good.

Mental: Work Health Philosophy 3.0

Grade: A

Lots of reading this year, and some relaxed workdays. Great leadership - thanks to great coaching as well. A bit more writing and breaks would have made this an A+!

Well:

For the most part, I did stick to shorter workdays
Introduced half-day Fridays (carry into 2021)
Stayed off work in the evenings (there were exceptions, but few)
Took breaks of 3+ days without checking work
Experienced creative afternoons. Written creative emails. Made progress on Uplift mission and theme.
Leadership was amazing. Thanks a lot to my coach here. I could have refined Uplift mission and strategy more, but the values are landing nicely, and the mission is partway there.
I read 29 books at least, might get to 30!

Nell:

Did not take enough breaks during the workday. This is the main one with a health impact. I did sit/stand switch more frequently, especially in the 2nd half of the year.
Did not plan 3 main goals daily. This one wasn't working for me, so I won't try it again. Instead, will focus on priorities using the Passion Planner.
Did not write nearly as much as I hoped. Same, this one isn't working for me. I'm deciding not to lug all these failed habits year after year, so instead of carrying it over another year, I'm just gonna drop it. Someday, it may make sense to pick this up again. We did start a paid per-article program at Uplift, which may help.
Sometimes got carried away with context switching, though overall it was OK.

Ultimate goal: To encourage a thriving, creative mind, and feel energized about my work and my intellectual pursuits.

Spiritual: Quantuition

Grade: A-

Overall, it was a spiritual year in a sense of surrender more than intuition. I did meditate well, and could do with more alone time. Also, breathworks and doing nothing.

Well:

Meditated about half
Did creative work from my intuition
Less action indeed, more thought
Regularly checked in with the reminder to wait for the future to come to me. Drew lots of abundance this year - moved to a bigger house, for one.
Did a 3-day at-home meditation retreat. It was timely with the pandemic, and it helped - as a fond memory now, too.

Nell:

Didn't do breathworks
Didn't do long meditation sessions
The solo trip was a bit too busy, but at least I took it in a year when it was tough to do so.
Want to do nothing more often.

Ultimate goal: To deepen my intuition, and learn more about myself, the world, and the miracle of life.

2019 goals

A quick re-visit of 2019 goals to check in on what more has changed.

Honor my body and mind
- [+] I barely used an alarm, great success!
- [+] Great sleep habits this year. I had a few nights of struggles in the first half of the year, waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble going back to sleep, but for the most part that was from too much going on in my life at the time.
- [+] Lots of self-care this year - regular massage and yoga.
- [-] Not much muscle gain. Started, but dropped off early in the year.
- [-] No cardio, at all really. Unfortunate and I feel the downsides. Recommit for 2021.
- [+] Meditated well!
- [-] Did not journal, nor invert, regularly.
Connect with intimacy and healthy sexual energy
- [-] Started reading about sexual health, didn't finish.
- [-] Not much travel this year - pandemic.
- [+] Intimacy felt sweet. It was great, and there is room to grow.
- [+] Mentored and lead the team with warmth.
Experience the lightness and delightness of being
- [+] Connected with people genuinely, and felt present.
- [-] Didn't spend as much time in nature as I would have liked.
- [+] Ate super local! Farmers market regular. CSA starting in fall.
- [-] No cooking class. Pandemic canceled most opportunities here.
- [+] Experienced Colorado - food, road trips (hot springs, hikes, mountains)
- [+] Me-time, regularly every week. Could have made more of it, but it wasn't a lot of time.
Just Fun! Play freely and creatively
- [+] Played a bunch this year! That was fun.
- [-] Didn't play piano. Wrote, creatively, for work mostly - I enjoyed that!
- [+] Learned a lot. For work, I learned to think of the business as a system, even better - thanks E-Myth!

What now?

If it was December 2021 today and I looked back on the year, what would bring me joy and nurture? What would I feel really proud of?

To help with last year's commitment that I totally forgot about - I set myself a quarterly reminder to write. I did reflect and take monthly notes on my own. And this time I hope to do a quarterly review every 3rd month along with it.

Here's a link to 2019's goals for 2020, so I don't repeat them here. This year, I reflected on a lifetime, 3-year, 1-year, and 3-month timeline, taking notes for each, using a Passion Planner.

2019 grades, updated:

A ← Honor my body and mind. Slept great! Started the year building strength, but lost the habit and just maintained. Meditated, then dropped off, then resumed regularly in the fall. My work environment substantially improved.
B ← Connect with intimacy and healthy sexual energy. I started reading a book and didn't come back to it after a couple of days, sigh. I did connect with people well this year. Didn't celebrate or romance as much as I would have liked, but, considering how tough a pandemic year is, there was plenty.
A- ← Experience the lightness and delightness of being. I treasured many moments this year. If I had spent more time in nature, this would easily be an A.
A ← Just Fun! Play freely and creatively. It was a playful year! Playing a lot for the holidays. And I remember lots of fun moments of play. Board games, console games, social games. Did not play an instrument much - just a lil, but this will happen. Did lots of creative things! And learned a lot, too.

Continuing with the four bodies:

Physical: Moving with Joy
Emotional: Nurture All Things
Mental: Spacious
Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

Physical: Moving with Joy

Affirmation:

I nurture my body every day, and move with joy, free of pain.

This year is inspired by Pain Free, a book I read which motivated and made me feel like this goal is easy and achievable, with consistent practice.

The 'lets:

Look for opportunities to increase movement: avoid the nearest bathroom, daily walks
Yin and load balancing postures, 20-40m daily (inspired by The Egoscue Method)
Cardio 90m or more per week at high intensity, or 150m at mid/low intensity
Continue to do yoga daily
Continue chiropractic 1x/mo, massages 2h+/mo, baths 2x+/mo, acupuncture
- After bath, lay with eye pillow before bed, use eye drops
While at desk:
- Rest eyes, neck, and shoulders 15m+ every 2h
- Work standing 2x+/day for 30m+ or more
- Invert 5-10m
No work after 8pm
Kite (10+ days/year). Supplement with biking or running.
Nutrition: do one cleanse (April), continue eating local, CSA. Drink 4+ glasses of water per day.
Continue investing in work environment.
Muscle building 8-15lbs, start in April.

Ultimate goal: To feel good about my body, keep it strong and mobile. Avoid long periods of sitting still.

Emotional: Nurture All Things

Affirmation:

I release emotions and channel them gently towards connection and fun, creative endeavors.

The 'lets:

Play. Games with friends (board games, console games). Guitar or keyboard.
Nurture and joy with family: spend quality time with them. Give, more.
Travel: 3 road trips, 3 flights (hopefully)
Take time off: 2 weeks per quarter
3-day solo trip (February?)
Meditate: 15m/day
Breathwork sessions, once a quarter (carry over)
Monthly reflections, quarterly reviews
Maintain a list of things I enjoy to do by myself
Daily and weekly gratitudes. Celebrate accomplishments. Celebrate anniversaries.
Continue reading about emotional and sexual health.
Allow myself one cheat day a week - free from any to-dos and burdens.
Do nothing for one hour each week (during weekly me-time or on the weekend).

Ultimate goal: To grow my nurturing side and connect with family and friends.

Mental: Spacious

Affirmation:

I have just enough time and space for everything I need. My mind is attentive and patient.

Instead of focus (last year's intention), this year the visualization is a spacious… life, really.

A spacious mind, which is inherently focused, not rushing, and has plenty of room to store information, to do what it needs to do, and to do what it wants to do with intention. This is connected to space in my body and emotionally too, feeling spacious and having enough time.

The 'lets:

Plan day under-loaded, leave 1h+ for unanticipated work items, and be efficient.
Continue with career coach
Max 6 hour workdays. Half-day Fridays (end work by 2:30pm).
Strictly take 3 15m+ breaks during each workday.
Leadership
- Refine business goals, and mission.
- Ask great questions! (carry-over)
- Hire 1-2 employees and delegate to them.
- Continue to improve and document our processes.
Read 4 business books, and 8 non self-help books (fiction, memoirs, etc).
Invest in joy and nurture at Uplift, too: fun with the team, encouragement, share, help team grow in 1:1s.
Weekly 2-hour creative afternoon.
Complete financial review and re-balancing.

Ultimate goal: To work in my zone of genius and feel spacious - as opposed to cramped and doing too many things.

Spiritual: Joyful Att/Intention

Affirmation:

I am present and joyfully connected to nature.

Direct my attention with joy. And put joy behind my intention as well. This is a powerful combination.

The 'lets:

Inhabit the house with plants. At least 5 more plants, but the possibilities are endless.
Take 2+ hot springs trips
See also Mental goals
- Lead with joy and nurture
- Continue career coaching (see also)
- Mentor/coach others myself
Breathwork quarterly
Meditate
- 2x daily - morning, evening
- One long session per week, Sundays
- Meditation retreat (3+ days)
Solo trip, do nothing 1h/day for 3+ days.

Ultimate goal: Joyful attention and intention.

Final Reflection

Thank you 2020! You've taught me a lot about living with my own emotions, and taught me even more about surrender.

Play.
Enjoyed quiet and slower time in the summer.
Walking and running! Daily yoga!
Family time in general. Became an uncle! Quality time and deeper connection with partner.
Dealing with inner frustration and anger - thanks, 2020! Worked at it, and while I don't feel proud of how I handle it at all times, I do see growth and potential for more.
Business did so well, all things considered! And going into 2021 it's really strong.

To being present, healthy, happy and safe! To joy in every little and big thing! To nurture!

I am a consultant.

2020-05-14T17:21:00-06:00

So it took me a while to understand what a consultant is. It's weird, in a way, but the book that clicked it all together -- or was the last book I read before it did, and therefore the missing piece of the puzzle -- was the Secrets of Consulting.

It may come naturally to some, and in a sense it did to me, personality-wise. But from a business standpoint, that book clicked it all together. I also enjoyed his personal anecdotes and ridiculous names of the laws :)

Riddle me this. What does first, being, and second, becoming, a consultant mean?

Table of contents:

Being a consultant
Becoming a consultant

Being a consultant

This is by no means a complete list. Just version 1.0

Being a leader

To be a really great consultant, you have to lead. But you have to do it in a way that makes the other side think they are the ones in charge.

Being a guide

A good consultant can guide people to solve their own problem whenever possible. This also provides more value -- like teaching a man to fish.

Think about it like this: having problems is like having cavities. I'd rather learn how to also stop getting new cavities after you patched this one up for me. Because they hurt.

I would much rather pay someone 10x more to solve a problem and prevent future cases of it, if it hurts.

Being a great observer

A consultant is a great observer. This in a way is identical to being detail oriented. You're detail oriented enough to notice something that nobody else can spot within the organization.

Being confident

It may sound obvious, but you have to be confident. People pay a premium for confidence, you might as well have it and charge the difference.

Understanding business value

Understand the business value that you provide. Ultimately, you are there to provide an ROI on your costs, and you can't do that without understanding the offset. This is also known as value-based pricing.

Becoming a consultant

While I am by no means a "complete" consultant, I do feel that I have reached version 1.0 (haha!). I enjoy so many aspects of consulting that I look for ways to use consulting in non-consulting contexts. It was actually this feeling that created the addition to my identity.

I had a recent coaching session that reminded me of the 3 roles, EMT:

Entrepreneur
Manager
Technician

Entrepreneur

I shine at the entrepreneur level, and that's where I love it the most. And my consulting style involves a lot of entrepreneurship. An entrepreneur builds a project one at a time, and raises it like a baby, and creates something that wasn't there before. At Uplift, we've done that both internally and externally. And supported a lifestyle around it for over a dozen engineers.

I am a consultant because I guide a lot of clients to solutions. And now I'm working on increasing the value of each solution and measuring my results. I'm gaining more confidence and interest in serving larger projects. This week I had several conversations with new leads, and it felt different. I had a particular conversation on Tuesday that went "off the rails", as I considered consulting for a different kind of role (or problem if you will).

Manager

In a way it's more organizational, and I would like that, with a tech view. This is another piece that tells me I enjoy management as well as entrepreneurship. I enjoy getting to know people and playing the mediator or mentor.

I enjoy being a manager: both a project manager, and an engineering manager. As we're growing our team, I've enjoyed having 1:1s with people, finding projects that help them grow and align with their individual goals, and aligning everyone on the goals and vision of the project.

Technician

Even the work I've been doing as a technician, although less and less, has been more guiding, more consultant-like if you will. And I see this in my brother (partner in life partner in biz yo!) as well. For example, I would open a PR that shows how to solve a problem I am uniquely suited to solve, or create an abstraction or add documentation. Basically the things a tech lead does, which is more like leadership and consulting than like management or entrepreneurship.

I also realized that, although I have the opportunity to dive deep and code something, I'd rather empower others to do it. I enjoy sharing my experience, and I learn from every opportunity. I follow up on my work, and improve it over time, sometimes for free because I'm having so much fun (I do miss writing code!), and sometimes people want to pay extra (rare, but that always feels so good! or at least say they would have.

Sales

I also like sales more because of consulting. It made me feel like what I'm really trying to do in a sales call is consult on the need I could help with. I guess it's also like a detective: finding out what the problem really is in all of what the client is saying. And I enjoy that, it's detail oriented! Sales also requires understanding the business value, and speaking to it.

Thanks and feedback

Thanks for reading. If you have thoughtful feedback, I'd love to hear it!

The beginnings of my foray Into-Ition

2020-03-03T18:25:00-07:00

What is, intuition, anyway?
What's different?
What about the rest of the 2020 goals?

I've been making it a priority to listen to my intuition more. Indeed, it is my spiritual goal for 2020.

I thought I'd share what the journey's been like so far, for myself perhaps more so than for the rest of y'all.

First off, I just want to take a moment to congratulate myself for getting back into writing. When I was in high school, I would write a lot (a lot for me - a blog post every 2 weeks or so). It seemed effortless and therapeutic. So, yeah, I'm grateful to be here, and grateful to feel excited about writing again.

(Shameless plug: I recently published a post about freelance/consulting, with more to come.)

Here we are, February 2020 (when I started drafting this post). Going on 2 months since the year started (and what a year it will be!).

My affirmation was:

I trust in the unknown, and allow the divine to manifest abundance and possibility through me.

And my goal:

To deepen my intuition, and learn more about myself, the world, and the miracle of life.

I'd been feeling into what intuition means. I recently decided to re-commit to meditation after a some years of overall inconsistent practice. And yoga sort of fell in with that (I guess cause, duh, they go together). And get this--now I'm two months into daily yoga (every day this year!) and more than 40 days of continuous daily meditation as well. Woah. That's gotta help with intuition!

So go figure, it does. Later down are some changes that I've noticed since becoming more mindful and leaning more into my intuition. But first...

What is, intuition, anyway?

Wella wella. This is a question to which I want to deepen my answer by the end of the year.

This is my first draft (v1) of this answer...

Intuition is when you really listen to the red hat when making a decision.

And yeah that's not the best definition for you the reader (unless you've read Edward De Bono's Six Thinking Hats. But I will expand on it plenty over the year.

What's different?

I notice how many more thoughts pass me by.

The more I listen to them, to more I realize how many more there are in the same time period, and also how much my power as an observer is being strengthened (mind-blowing right? haha).

I am going deeper with myself.

To me, being more mindful means living from within. When I meditate or do yoga, my focus is inside.

Pretend these bullets are just asking "why" to the previous one

My focus is inside
... when it is so deeply inside
... there is no outside
and I also scan my body for how it feels like one hundred thousand percent more time than before
... which is a part of the inside, but only the surface (that's some deep sh**)
So I am more motivated to keep my body healthy.

Now get ready for...

I also notice depths and patterns more.

I recently read a book this year called Thinking in systems and I think it has freaking changed my life forever.

(Side note: Unfortunately the writer died, she'll never know in person how much she meant to me! - another reason for me to write).

And now I see systems all around me. The world is systems all the way down, man! And all the way up too.

Here's an example of systems: compound interest.

Compound interest only keeps compounding. That is how it works. That is how you get incredible growth in a short amount of time. For example, starting with absolutely zero money and saving $1,000.00 a year for 10 years with an extra 10% more each year you get to 17,500+ buckaroos. That's a whole 75% more than you earned during that period.

But that's not just money that compounds like that. Everything compounds like that if you look at it in the right light.

How much time you spend in joy, gratitude, feeling well, feeling healthy each day will lead to a likely increase of it the next day. Because it feels good! (The law of attraction)
How much in touch with your body you are every day, so if you wanna live in it longer, you always look at ways to care more for it (whatever that means to you and you alone--it's your body).
How much focus your mind has each day (also a muscle that is exercised by mindfulness). That means each day you have more time in your life. Because time = focus, basically.
How much more recently I think of my mind's focus (the next level of the above).

In her book, Donella Meadows taks about the same thing, but she calls it downward loops and upward loops.

This is so powerful that it is true of everything in my personal life. Do I strain my neck too much by looking down too much of the time? Yes. So it's only gonna get worse unless I turn it into an upward loop. This is always possible until systems collapse, like having a posture-related hunchback.

An upward loop in this example would be to spend time looking in other directions for prolonged periods of time too. Start with a tiny habbit! (1 tooth when flossing is one of my favorites haha

I also see why my intuition wants a coach.

I am not always gonna have a strong intuition for something new. But I'll have a coach to rely on in some aspects.

Now it just seems like this blog post is turning into an update about how my year's going, so I guess that's what's going on!

My goal for March is to at least talk to a coach, I don't have to pick one.

I notice how much more comes from the nonphysical.

This is what Abraham Hicks calls it talks about*, and what meditation experts mean as well (like Andy Puddicombe) when they say:

Creativity is as boundless, spacious and limitless as the sky. We are born with it. It cannot be lost and it cannot be destroyed. It can only be forgotten. -- Andy Puddicombe, Headspace

I get more and more ideas than I ever did. And creativity, intuition and ideas are tied together.

Lots of people talk about how ideas come from hunches. Hunches come from repeated exposure to the same thing. And so the compound interest keeps compounding!

*Whether you believe that's genuine or not, is always gonna be hard to tell, that's the irony.

What about the rest of the 2020 goals?

I'm doing great with:

getting regular massages
taking time to feel grateful, affirmations, mental exercises
breathwork, meditation, mindfulness
inviting creativity, writing, leaning more into what my gut says
waking up early, without an alarm
releasing emotions, mostly in writing, but also through creative endeavors
enjoying time to myself
taking baths
exploring deeper sexual energy

Could improve:

Journaling. I do it on and off. I do write in my mindfulness journal every week!
Writing in general. I'm very close here to meeting my goal.
Main thing is I've had some long weeks of work in February. I'd like to work less, and it's been tough with another project starting. However, things are looking good as we've interviewed some promising people who can help us.
Taking more breaks and more care of my body. I've been sore (esp upper back and neck), and experienced headaches a few times this year already (only 9 weeks in!). Stepping away from computer work, looking in the distance, looking up, stretching and
Cardio and gym. Last year I did really well in the 2nd half going to the gym, putting on some muscle. I started off 2020 with kitesurfing and plenty of cardio in that way, but not much physical movement in February.
Movement. Dancing.
Worrying less. I recently heard from a mentor that as adults we seem to have forgotten to use our imagination for anything else, and channel it all into worrying. So true.
Long meditations. I haven't done any of my 40m meditations. Perhaps I've reached 25-30m a couple of times.
Listening with all my heart and 100% focus. I still drift away...
Taking time off. Planned a week at the end of Q1! Reminder to have no access to work for 3 days.
Coffee shop getaways and working on the house. Though I did a bit, I could do a bit more.
Revisit yearly goals and schedule some for Q2!

That's it for now. A good amount of reflection in this post!

Till next time.

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2019-12-26T11:26:00-07:00

Why?
Thanks, previous years!
What now?
Final reflection

Why?

I suppose my age is a magic number of sorts now. Every year I like to ask why I keep doing this. I've been writing these birthday resolutions for 9 years in a row! It's something to be proud of. I always hope to write more, but being able to have this one consistent post per year is truly rewarding.

This journey usually begins before my birthday arrives, and I take time during the month of December to reflect on the past and ponder what I want for the future.

Goals for 2019 were business-free, and ironically I worked and the business grew a lot. Overall, there was a lot of growth: personally, emotionally I feel more mature and balanced. Physically perhaps I'm most concerned about my posture and strain on my head and neck, and that's a focus of this year's goals. I also feel that family is taking more of my focus, and that seems likely to continue over the next few years... Reflecting on how this past year went, it involved a lot of travel in the first half of the year, and not enough time solo or in quietude. The second half was more focused on muscle gain and time to myself, with more energy into the business than I'd like, leaving little room for personal growth. Q4 things calmed down a bit, as they often do, and that made a difference.

Past: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012.

Thanks, previous years!

To which accomplishments of 2019 am I giving a shout-out?

Extensive and amazing travel experiences. From January to June, I was away 70-80% of the time. That's a lot of travel! Visited 10 countries in 10 months altogether, and most of it with a partner. And all this while maintaining an income and work hours. There's a lot to celebrate here!
- Colombia was my top favorite destination: kitesurfing, amazing food, beaches and mountains, and very affordable.
- Ate lots of passionfruit in most of the countries we visited.
- Macchu Picchu / Inca Trail hike was a memorable and sacred experience, covering more than a marathon distance.
Business growth. Uplift grew tremendously, and we managed larger projects than ever before, had more clients, and more diversified income. This put some strain, but a lot of reward. Really grateful for our clients and our team, and excited for more in 2020!
- First employees.
- Leading large projects.
- More people on staff.
- Delegating more, learning about management.
- Drafting culture, values and mission.
- First ever team building / offsite.
Personal health. I really succeeded at gaining weight and muscle. Though I don't look it, I feel it. Also ate really well, and consistently got massages 2-4x/mo for a few months. Found a chiropractor I really like.
- Regular gym attendance for about half the year - 2x-3x per week consistently.
- Nutrition: focus on quality food, nutrient dense recipes, reducing plastic use.
Playing games with family and friends, spending quality time with them. It's great having the family together!
- Periodic get-togethers. Tho I'd like a few more!
- New and old games, playing and collaborating!
Trips to California for myself/work have been really fun!
Financial perspective: growing my income, updating my portfolio, giving more than before.

What adversities did I face?

Intense travel can be exhausting, and at times it felt like a drag, not an adventure. Mostly because I worked more than anticipated. For 2020, travel is more spaced out!
Business growth challenges, at times it was stressful to manage the workload and ensure everything is going smoothly. This was easier than in the years before, and I do feel that Uplift is maturing.
Muscle strain / soreness and headaches. Headaches happened more this year and I'm trying to get a handle on it as part of the physical goal for 2020.

For 2019 I wanted to:

Honor my body and mind

Grade: B

Overall this went really well, but I did fall short with aerobic exercise, and resting/stretching/meditating.

Well:

Wake up without an alarm
Sleep when sleepy and before midnight. There's room for improvement here for sure, but there were long periods of consistent sleeping before midnight too.
Self-care: regular massage, stretching and yoga. Definite yes on the massage, less so on yoga and stretching
Gain 5-10lbs of muscle. Check!
Invest in work environment during travel. Check! Paid attention to where I would work for each place we rented.

Nell:

Sleep earlier, wake up at 7-7:30am.
More yoga and stretching. Perhaps 20m yoga, or yin, over nothing.
Exercise 150m/week. Probably achieved it some months, but not consistent at all.
Meditate 10-20m daily. This had lots of gaps too. I had a meditation tracker at first, but then dropped off.
Journal 5m daily. Started the year strong then dropped off.
Invert. Did not do it most of the year. Though it overlaps with the neck pillow, which I did a lot more.

Connect with intimacy and healthy sexual energy

Grade: A

Overall this is great, and I'm happy and grateful with the progress! There's room for a bit more which is not surprising, adding this next year.

Well:

Connecting. With kite community, travel communities, guides, hosts.
Intimacy with my partner and other connections.
Quality time with family, though I'd like a bit more.
Monthly sexual build and release.
Mentor at Uplift. Absolutely! Over the course of projects, as well as around the team building.

Nell:

Read a book about healthy sexual expression and living a healthy sex life.
New sexual experiences. There were some, but not really proactive.

Ultimate goal: To share love, teach and learn, be present, and experience healthy, growing, sexual energy.

Experience the lightness and delightness of being

Grade: A-

I feel pretty great about this, looking at the list. Lots of amazing experiences, delight. Room for a bit more adventure and more me-time.

Well:

Experience each place as-is. There's room for more, but I made a conscious effort, not to judge and keep an open mind. It was an amazing year in terms of experiences!
Find genuine people: I remember at least a few during travels.
Take inspiration from nature, extra time to look.
Experienced nature during travel, lots of hikes!
Eat local: found local eateries during travel, and in Colorado as well!
Took a cooking class in Colombia and one in Peru.
Did an Escape Room in Colorado as part of Uplift's team building.
Went snowboarding and glass blowing.
Took me-time at home, and really enjoyed it!

Nell:

Pray 15m once a quarter: kind of a random goal. I did pray, but not with this pace in mind.
Did not scuba or snorkel.
Would like to experience more of Colorado's nature.
Did not take much me-time on the road.

Just Fun! Play freely and creatively

Grade: A-

I still acted more seriously than I want, and would like to exercise my creativity more.

Well:

Games: board games, computer games, social games. This one went great!
Added and enjoyed fun more fully.

Nell:

Didn't do much piano.
Didn't write for fun.

2018 goals

A quick re-visit of 2018 goals to check in on what more has changed.

P1: Dedicated Self Love Practice
- [+] Did more reading. I don't recall how many books, close to 10?
- [-] Still want more dance and breathwork.
- [-] Still want to write / journal more.
P1: Gain Weight and Strengthen
- [+] Gained more!
- [-] Dance, though did a bit on the road!
P1: Bold Business Changes
- [+] Took plenty of time off. Guessing 6 weeks or so?
- [+] Moved to monthly retainer with hourly rate. This is close to weekly rate as everyone's rates were the same.
- [+] Continued subcontracting.
- [+] Mentored and delegated even more.
- [+] Roadmapping larger projects, with lessons learned.
- [-] Went over maximum hours per week quite frequently. I was really aware while this was happening though, which helped. 3.0 has improvements to this by designating a max time per day instead of per week.
- [-] Produce blog content.
- [-] Take breaks. I took some, but not regularly.
- [-] Nap. I still think this is beneficial.
P1: Travel alone and with company
- [+] Lots of the same goodies from last year!
- [-] Still lacking me-time on the road. Though I did take evenings to myself in California.
- [-] Still no solo trip without working. 2020!
P2: Give time, money, or both
- [+] Continued saving, donated more! Partially to partner, and other organizations. Learned from accountant that giving $3K or more is the break-even point.
- [+] Continued giving to clients, Uplift staff, and my partner!
- [-] Give time, volunteer. This is on the backburner...
P2: Build friendships and lifestyle in Colorado
- Still didn't make an effort.

2017 reminders for 2019

This is an opportunity to revisit the above and summarize yet again. But I'm not finding it as useful as I thought. Anyway, here's the summary of what to do more of:

More stretching, breaks to rest my body, and yoga.
Naps
Build something with my brother: started on this, and plan to continue. Excited!
Produce blog content.
Take a solo trip without working.

What now?

If it was December 2020 today and I looked back on 2020, what would I want to celebrate?

Going back to 4 goals was great. I could focus on each plenty, and it felt easier to keep them top of mind as the year went by. I revisit them every month. This year, I'd like to write an update once a quarter, and post it here, sort of a quarterly reflection, a post-mortem with helpful steps for next quarter.

Recap, goals at 75yo (2018):

feel strong and healthy, be able to kite, run (physical)
have a loving community (emotional)
devote time to self care and others' care (physical, emotional, spiritual, mental)
give (spiritual, emotional)

Next 3/5/10 years (2018):

healthy body and mind (physical)
loving community (emotional)
always learning (mental)
experiences (emotional, spiritual)
home and travel (emotional, mental)
finances (mental)

Recap present me (2018):

healthy body and mind (physical)
love and belonging (emotional)
travel (emotional, mental)
having fun, play, kiting, sun (emotional, mental)
exercise and sexual expression (physical, spiritual)
working through my fears and impatience (emotional)

Last year's high level:

B Honor my body and mind. By end of 2019, I want to feel just as young as last year! This goal includes sleep as priority, strength, meditation, work environment.
A- Connect with intimacy and healthy sexual release. Immerse myself in those shared moments, be they with a partner, a community (of kiters, travelers, family, friends) or mentorship.
B Experience the lightness and delightness of being. During travel and at home, see the sacred in what is there, find genuine people, feel the spirituality of the land, explore nature. During travel, add-on me-time.
B Just Fun! Play freely and creatively. By myself, with others. Games, creative piano, writing. Learn from play because it's fun.

Year before grades, updated:

B+ ← Self love and confidence. Work through fear and jealousy. A bit more self love this year, with room for more!
A- ← Do not overwork myself. Worked some long and stressful days this year to wrap up large projects.
A- ← Take legit time off. Like I am now. Did really well this year too! Though with the overwork, more would have been better, I took plenty of time off. Did not disconnect as much.
A ← Gain some weight and muscle. Treat my body well. Awesome improvement here! I gained perhaps 8-10lbs, at least half of which was muscle, and I can feel the difference. I also ate much more consciously and overall increased the quality of food (not counting travels, where instead I made an effort to eat plenty of good stuff).
A ← Subcontract and otherwise grow my business. Attempt some slightly scary challenges here. Continued this, grew even more. Took large projects and brought on engineers at the edge of our areas of expertise, with great reward!
A ← Travel. Alone and with company. Lots of travel! Mostly with my partner, but some on my own. I would like to do a solo trip in 2020, and a silent retreat.
B+ ← Give. Give. Give. Bumped a wee bit as I gave quite a bit more this year. There is room for more, too.
C ← Build an active lifestyle with friends in Colorado. Still a fail. Partially because first half of the year was lots of travel. I did go snowboarding twice, but not with new friends. Would like to make another friend or two, in FoCo area.

Trying something new (again!), this year's goals are in 4 themes divided by the four bodies (ref?):

Physical: Revitalize
Emotional: Feelin in my bod
Mental: Work Health Philosophy 3.0
Spiritual: Quantuition

Physical: Revitalize

Affirmation:

I listen to my body attentively, and rest when I feel strained. I give my body what it wants to be full of vitality.

The 'lets:

Muscle stretching 2x/week (yoga)
150 minutes of aerobic/cardio (ref). Ideally, vigorous-intensity (high)
- Examples: jogging, singles tennis, swimming continuous laps, or bicycling uphill.
- Start at home: resistance biking.
Muscle strengthening 2x/week (weights). Gain another 8-15lbs, at least half muscle.
Chiropractic care x1/mo, massage x2/mo.
While at a desk, rest eyes, neck and shoulders every 90m (5-15m).
- Stretch, PT exercises
- Invert 10-20m every day (but even 5m beats none)
- Stop when my head or neck are in pain (esp. acute!)
- Nap in the afternoons. Just lay down for 30m.
Skin care: micro-needling, facial routine, hydration.
Nutrition: just continue eating well, what I'm doing. Drink plenty of water.
Get plenty of sleep (before midnight) and wake up without an alarm.
Invest in my work environment, at home and on the road.
Continue kitesurfing (10-15 days/year at least). Maybe try swimming, rock climbing or snowboarding.

Ultimate goal: To decelerate aging, and revitalize: feel strong, young and healthy.

Emotional: Feelin in my bod

Affirmation:

I release emotions and channel them gently towards connection and fun, creative endeavors.

I broke this down into categories of sorts:

Give
- Financially, from the heart
- Emotionally, intangible
Dem hips
- Read a book about healthy sexual expression and living a healthy sex life. (carryover)
- Explore deeper sexual energy, tantra, sustained connection.
- New sexual experiences.
- Dance, at home or occasionally out is OK for now. If time permits, go to a regular class?
Travel
- 2 new countries
- Take time off (at least 1 week per 2+ week trip)
- Skip Mexico kitesurfing trip, replace with another trip (e.g. Sri Lanka)
- Celebrate something abroad (e.g. NYE, birthday)
Express
- Journal 5 min every day. How I feel before starting the workday?
- Release emotions: onto paper, voice recorder, or through a creative endeavor.
- Enjoy time in solitude. Relax, unwind, feel joy, breathe.
Balance. Contentment.
- Feel gratitude for my life: affirmations, mental exercises, shared connection with this intention (e.g. take turns with a friend appreciating).
- Waiting for the future to come to me and not worrying so much. Reminder to accept the present as it is.
- Listen with all my heart and focus 100% when others speak.
- Play: games - solo or multiplayer, parties with friends.

Ultimate goal: To express myself fully and stay connected to my emotions, ride them, and keep my heart open to other people. To feel good.

Mental: Work Health Philosophy 3.0

Affirmation:

I exercise my mind with incredible focus, and step away to invite creativity. I lead with kindness and clarity.

The center of the mental body is my business. Leadership is a part of that. The second most notable mental aspect is to always be learning.

Work Health Philosophy 3.0
- Workdays are either 5 or 6 hours.
- Take at least 2 breaks of 3 or more days, with no access to work whatsoever.
- Be disciplined about staying off work late evenings (after 8pm) and weekends (75%+ of Sat+Sun).
- Invite creativity as often as possible. Take afternoons to do creative deep work, and value the opportunity for creative work above the usual.
- Focus on one thing at a time. Avoid frequent context switching.
- Set 3 main goals for each day, and under-commit. Leave room for urgent matters.
- Take breaks: avg of 10m every 90m (10%).
- Dedicated appointment day (e.g. 2nd Thu/Fri of the month)
- Massage 2x/mo (see Physical)
- Meditate in afternoons (see Spiritual, can start with 10m)
Leadership
- Spend more time towards leading and organizing, and less doing the hands-on work.
- Learn about management, how to be a good leader, persuasion.
- Refine Uplift values, mission and strategy.
- Ask great questions!
- Dedicate time for improvements to internal Uplift process. 45m @ 2x/mo.
Creativity and writing
- Produce blog content for Uplift or myself. 1 article per month.
- Write for 1h per week, same day each week.
Get a career coach.
Coffee shop getaway for personal goals. 1x/mo at least.
Work on the house. 1 weekend day / mo or as-needed.
Read at least 6 books.

Ultimate goal: To encourage a thriving, creative mind, and feel energized about my work and my intellectual pursuits.

Spiritual: Quantuition

Affirmation:

I trust in the unknown, and allow the divine to manifest abundance and possibility through me.

The main focus here is to focus on the non-physical world and what that means to me (duh! that's what spiritual amirite?!). Intuition, meditation, solitude and space are key here.

Quantuition
- Develop and follow my intuition
- Less action, more thought and emotion (ref: Abraham Hicks)
- Wait for the future to come to me (law of attraction)
- Breathwork 4x/year
- Live in the present, in possibility, and embrace the unknown (Quantum mindset - Dr Joe Dispenza)
Meditation
- Doing a 3-day meditation retreat
- 15-30m daily, working my way up to two sessions of 20m each per day
- One long (40m+) meditation session per week
Take a solo trip with intention of self-nurturing
- Try not bringing a laptop, writing on paper if needed
- Focus is self-therapy and self-care, whatever I need at the time.
- Examples destinations: hot springs, quiet cabin.
- Example experience: write, meditate, read a book, explore fears
Leave space in my life for serendipity, and doing nothing
- Time in nature and travel helps here
- Happy accidents arise from having non-allotted space and time.

Ultimate goal: To deepen my intuition, and learn more about myself, the world, and the miracle of life.

Final Reflection

Thank you 2019! Happy new year, 2020 is such a round number!

To being present, healthy, happy and safe! To loving and feeling loved! To family!

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2018-12-01T16:59:00-07:00

Why?
Thanks, previous years!
What now?
Final reflection

Why?

These posts are my way to reflect on the past, present, and aim for more excitement in the future. I feel a bit older now. I've been doing these goals for eight (!) years and counting. It's a long time. And it still pales in comparison to living the life of a centenarian for example.

Last year I set too many goals. Six? And they were pretty extensive. I'm looking to narrow it down this year. I'm also more focused on what life is about, bigger picture stuff.

As I'm past the first quarter of my life and seeing relationships and paths (patterns) last through longer, I also feel internal changes driving me to allow life to unfold more patiently and over longer periods of time. That's different than slowing down though. I'll reflect more on this as time goes on.

Past: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012

Thanks, previous years!

What are the most amazing accomplishments of 2018?

Traveling for almost half the year. This was quite a change, and a challenge too! I think my favorite place this year was Greece. I loved it so much, I'm considering living there!
Growing my relationships. I am very fortunate to have so much love around me. Looking to more growth for 2019.
Continuing to grow Uplift. It's one of the greatest things I've ever done, and continues to get better. I think in 2019 there will be even more growth, and with careful steering it'll turn out beyond what I can imagine right now.
Spending time with family. I feel like they are more and more a part of my life as we're coming all together in Colorado.
Kitesurfing more this year. I really missed it last year and it's felt great to do it more. As I travel more in 2019 I plan to continue this trend.
Reconnecting with my kitesurfing community has been great as well. It's one of my favorite parts about the sport.
Taking time off. Disconnecting and camping--I hadn't camped this long before. And without internet, and in a quiet place, it was healing. I also took time off more legit this year and really enjoyed it.
Delegating more and more on the business side. To our office assistant (now bizops manager!), other engineers, and more!
Exercised and maintained a good routine at home (less so on the road, but kiting helped). This includes regular me-time, rewarding!
Shared family, Romania and more of my life with my amazing partner. Visiting Romania again was wonderful.
All this while meeting my work and earnings goals!

What adversities did I face?

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity. I've started working on this, to be continued...
Alone time on the road. Ironically I felt lonely in 2017 traveling solo, now the opposite.
The stress of taking on too many work projects. At least it didn't happen in November and December like the years prior, thanks a lot to help from others.
Release of sexual energy. It seems to keep growing, and I'm still learning how to best handle that. Doesn't help that in society we shun and shame sexual expressions. Exploring this in connection with spirituality, 2019.
Upper back pains and tension. While I'm doing well with the rest of my body, I seem to strain between my shoulders.
Regular exercise with travel. Home routine was great in the first half of the year, and then kind of dwindled. It was hard to get back into things at home after being on the road. And on the road I didn't maintain good exercise outside of kiting and hiking (those were substantial!).
Still got tension in my body. Mostly during the times when I was working too hard, or stressing about stuff, and not taking the time to meditate or exercise.

For 2018 I wanted to:

P1: Dedicated Self Love Practice

Grade: B+

If I was a 3rd party witness to myself, would I approve of how I treat me?

Here's what I did well:

Spend quality time with myself. Reading, writing, thinking. I did this a few times during the year. Kitesurfing, too. I also spent time fully absorbed and present playing games and watching nature documentaries.
Started off the year with writing...
Read quite a bit, maybe 5-8 pages per day?
Did some dancing and breathwork, but want more.
Kited a lot more! Did some brainy stuff, including games. Some spiritual journeys too!
More patient than before.

Not so well:

Didn't write or journal most of the year. 2019.
A bit more reading.
More dance and breathwork.
Continue growing patience.
Sleep at times. Admittedly harder with travel, at home I sleep pretty well.

Overall, I treated myself better. Especially with emotions and warmth towards others. I am kinder with my words, spent time reading, kited more. I can improve, especially to relax my body, be more patient, and enjoy slow me-time. There's still some frustration and high-strung energy I'd like to shake off. Meditating will help here too.

P1: Gain Weight and Strengthen

Grade: B+

I wanted to put on weight, maintain flexibility, and feel more confident in my body.

Well:

Gained maybe 5-7lbs of muscle and fat.
Exercised quite a bit. First half of the year more so, then a lot more with kiting and hiking. Evolved this for 2019.
Weight lifted. Yoga at home. A few times on the road and class in CO.
Continued to kite, a lot!

Nell:

Didn't exercise enough some weeks, especially second half of the year.
Didn't get enough massages.
Would have liked to dance more.

Overall, I do feel stronger, flexible and more confident in my body. Not quite as much as I would have liked.

P1: Bold Business Changes

Grade: A

Work Health Philosophy 2.0 was a major success! Perhaps except for writing.

Wins:

Have a minimum, average, and maximum target of work hours per week.
Take 4 weeks off, or more.
Move to weekly rate for 2+ months.
Subcontract 2+ projects for 2+ months.
Mentor, mentor and delegate. Let go of control or desire for everything to be perfect.
Sell and roadmap, especially Q4 2018.
Added Careers page, content!

Knead moar:

Produce content: blog, testimonials.
Take breaks during workday (5m every 90 min).
Nap 10/20 minutes.

Overall, I made the most important pieces of this. I think taking breaks is worth tackling, and naps wouldn't hurt either--I struggle to take time away from my day though.

P1: Travel alone and with company

Grade: A+

Another major achievement. Actually, this is the most complete goal of the year I think.

Yay:

Travel with partner for months and find a good balance.
Explore USA: national parks, cities.
Don't work at least one week while traveling with company.
Kitesurf in three new places! 1x Greece, 2x Oregon
Visit several new cities: Naxos, Athens, Brasov, Hood River, Portland, Santa Fe, even Albuquerque a bit.
Did a Greek cooking class in Athens.
Explore nature in a new way: swam with whale sharks, kitesurf downwinder in Mexico.
Witness a large turtle laying eggs!
Experience new feelings traveling with a partner.

Nay:

Me-time on the road.
Solo-trip for a week without work. I worked during my solo travels.

Overall this was a new way to travel and one that will evolve and improve even more for 2019. Partner and I already have some ideas in the works!

P2: Give time, money, or both

Grade: B-

This is just barely not a C, mainly because I did take all initiatives to give, but didn't follow through on finances.

Examples of giving:

Saved $6K, donated some.
Rescued kiteboards on the water in Mexico. Helped people with advice.
Gave to clients (one in particular, but also discounts and offers to others).
Gave to my partner. Quite many ways! I'd like to continue this.

Could improve:

Volunteer a bit, maybe this is easier to do than donating money.
Give regularly, totally unexpected.

Overall, I don't feel like I really gave as much as I want to. I think that's going to naturally grow with time, so I'm not including this in 2019. I just plan to continue saving money to donate. There's also an internal project at Uplift to help give more, which will hopefully launch next year.

P2: Build friendships and lifestyle in Colorado

Grade: C-

I didn't really make an effort here to make new friends, but I did develop my existing friendships more. Explored CO a bit more, but not with a regular one thing per month. Travel did make this harder than anticipated, so I'm cutting myself some slack. And six goals is a lot.

2017 goals

I just want to quickly revisit 2017 and note any progress :)

Live from the heart
- [+] Spent less time in my head in matters of the heart.
- [+] Embraced challenging emotions (fear, jealousy, anger, impatience).
- [+] Spend QT with friends, community. Romania, Mexico kite group, and more.
- [-] Still blame and punish myself extra.
- [-] Still did not learn about humor.
Mentor and write more
- [+] Mentored within Uplift as well as with clients.
- [+] Helped our office assitant invest and grow into BizOps.
- [+] Contract more!
- [-] Still didn't write much.
- [-] Still didn't join a mentorship group.
Mental and physical growth through adventure and spirituality
- [+] Built some muscle.
- [+] Did yoga at home for a hefty chunk of the year.
- [-] Lost meditating habit. Also didn't do guided or group ones (a handful at best).
Build something
- [+] Worked with Uplift to draft specs and plan for product. Didn't move on building.
- [+] Sold clients on building for them (hey, this counts!)
- [-] Still didn't productize any ideas.
- Still, made progress!

2016 reminders for 2018

Done:

Embrace sadness, anger, fear and anxiety more. I still feel mediocre at best, but I've definitely grown and that is worth appreciating.
Laugh and be more patient. Through constant reminders, I was more patient with things this year. I'd like to continue this.
Subcontracted, devised an application process with the team and sifted through over 70 applicants! This was a huge achievement for the business and we now have a process in place to continue this for 2019. Definitely above-and-beyond the state from 2016/2017.
Fasting and cleansing. Gained a bit of weight too. Really great investments in my health here.

Carry on:

Join a mentorship group (to give/receive).
Build muscle. I have a guide on how to do it, but it's difficult with all the travels--would half-ass work?
Learn about humor. Practice it.
Spend quality time with friends. Hike/active stuff, and play games.
Still didn't write much this year. I did journal privately more than previous years, so it's not a total failure. No public posts. Just drafts started. The main step I took to address this was late 2018, which is to block out a continuous block of time every Friday. Continuing this for 2019 should help.
Meditate regularly. Guided too.
Didn't buy a yoga pass until the end of the year, basically. Same for weights ;)
Host a group meditation.

What now?

If it was December 2019 today and I looked back on 2019, what would I want to celebrate?

Last year, I spiced things up a bit, ya kno? With those 4 primary goals and 2 secondary goals, I split myself too thin. Not doing that again. Over the years it seems that 4-5 bigger goals are better.

B Self love and confidence. Work through fear and jealousy.
A Do not overwork myself.
A Take legit time off. Like I am now.
B Gain some weight and muscle. Treat my body well.
A Subcontract and otherwise grow my business. Attempt some slightly scary challenges here.
A Travel. Alone and with company.
B Give. Give. Give.
C Build an active lifestyle with friends in Colorado.

This year, I'm coming back to what works well. With a setup of far-future to present perspective.

Think about what my life would be like when I'm 75. Wow! My parents aren't 75 yet. I'd like to:

feel strong and healthy, be able to kite, run
have a loving community
devote time to self care and others' care
give

What do I really need to get there? It's incredibly hard to think that far ahead. What if I break it down into 10, 5, and 3 years. What do they all have in common?

healthy body and mind
loving community
always learning
experiences
home and travel
finances

What about the present me, what's important to me now?

healthy body and mind
love and belonging
travel
having fun, play, kiting, sun
exercise and sexual expression
working through my fears and impatience

Year 2019. What about it? The last Sunday of the year I took an inner journey in loving company, and now I'm listening to flamenco music planning as I reflect on the year ahead.

Honor my body and mind. By end of 2019, I want to feel just as young as last year! This goal includes sleep as priority, strength, meditation, work environment.
Connect with intimacy and healthy sexual release. Immerse myself in those shared moments, be they with a partner, a community (of kiters, travelers, family, friends) or mentorship.
Experience the lightness and delightness of being. During travel and at home, see the sacred in what is there, find genuine people, feel the spirituality of the land, explore nature. During travel, add-on me-time.
Just Fun! Play freely and creatively. By myself, with others. Games, creative piano, writing. Learn from play because it's fun.

Honor my body and mind

Affirmation:

Each day, I grow stronger, and healthier. I direct my energy with full, focused intention.

How can I treat my body and mind even better? This is a continuous goal. Basically, I want to feel "young" and strong for a long time. As such I need to invest more in my self-care.

The 'lets:

Wake up without an alarm. I've been convinced. Multiple articles now cite the importance of honoring our own circadian rythm. I want to wake up without an alarm during at least 3 months of this year. Bonus points if most of them overlap with workdays! Remember: if I need an alarm, I should change something else instead. Exceptions for flights and appointment times that are difficult to control.
Sleep when I'm sleepy, and before midnight. While I may be a slight night-owl, I find I rest best when I sleep before midnight. I've tried 10pm, and 2am, and everything in between. I seem to wake up more during the night (late night/morning) if I sleep later.
Self-care with massage, stretching and yoga. One massage per month. Yoga every week. Stretch every day (whether invert, wrist, brief yoga).
Gain 5-10lb weight, 5lb muscle. This is hard on the road. Use this guide and add bodyweight exercises to maintain.
Exercise for 150 minutes per week (diabetes, sleep, heart failure and a longer life). That's 30 minutes per day, five times a week. Ideally, this doesn't include muscle work, but it can include walks, house cleaning, walking through airports, etc.
Meditate 10-20m daily
Journal 5 min every day (afternoon or eve)
Invert 5 min every day
Invest in a comfier work environment during travel.

Ultimate goal: To feel strong, young and healthy. To appreciate and honor my body and mind, pay attention to their needs.

Connect with intimacy and healthy sexual energy

Affirmation:

I allow loving energy to flow through me, and guide it to create a safe, warm connection with people.

This is the first time I explicitly note sexual energy in a goal. In my 20s I felt perhaps not at the maturity level to focus on it in a healthy way. Well, times'a'changing. I want to connect deeply in the present moment. During travels for example, really be present when talking to someone new. Allow for intimacy. In my love life, experience more intimacy and channel sexual energy.

Read a book about healthy sexual expression and living a healthy sex life.
Connect with my kite community
Connect with communities as I travel, guides, hosts.
Experience intimacy in my love life and my other connections.
Spend quality time with family.
Monthly (or bi-monthly?) sexual build and release
New sexual experiences of any kind.
Mentor at Uplift (and in kiting perhaps). See this.

Avoid having people waiting on you. Don't create direct dependencies on your work or decisions, make sure people feel that they can take decisions and still stay true to the vision without referring to you.

Ultimate goal: To share love, teach and learn, be present, and experience healthy, growing, sexual energy.

Experience the lightness and delightness of being

Affirmation:

I am here, and I experience what-is without judgment. I move slowly, mindfully towards nature, people, and myself.

I wanted a "travel" goal this year, since it involves so much. However, I didn't want to create such a split in my mind between "travel life" and "home life". Now, it's all just "life", and it's about experience.

Experience each place as-is. Present. Open-minded.
Find genuine people: culture, hands-on, guides, etc. Take the time to meet locals everywhere I travel. Go to a new place every week, or share a new experience, knowledge, pretty open ended here.
Allow the spiritual side of nature to inspire me. Especially in Peru and Ecuador. Take extra time to look at nature. Pray for 15m at least once per quarter.
Experience nature: hike, scuba, snorkel, drive
Eat local
Take a cooking class or other local experience, especially involving making things.
Experience things in Colorado (scavenger hunt, snowboard, glass blowing, etc)
Me-time: continue the regular cadence, add on-the-road.

Ultimate goal: To take in the places I visit. To admire their beauty and purity, sacredness. To embrace the local specifics of nature and people.

Just Fun! Play freely and creatively

Affirmation:

I give myself permission to play like a child, and learn from everything fun.

Last bits of 2018 I've been craving to play games. Lots of games. Been playing quite a bit in December. And I want this to continue. I also want to focus energy on creativity and that could take the form of piano or writing.

Games! Board games, computer games, social games. Play at least a few hours each week.
Piano, writing, other creative fun. Do something creative at least once a quarter. See also this.
Learning all along the way, enjoy every minute of it!

Ultimate goal: To enjoy life, laugh, get creative, exercise different parts of my brain.

To a healthy, loving year!

Thank you 2018!

Travel beginnings
Experiences on the road
Cleansing, eating well
Partner bonding
Business growth and stability
Leisure time and not overworking
Connecting in kite community
Kiting a lot more, feeling strong!
More patience and laughter and feelz

Happy new year! To being healthy, happy, safe! To loving and feeling loved!

The day I grew older and stronger

2018-11-01T19:24:00-06:00

This year, I have been traveling for over 5 months. That's the most I've been away from home since I moved to Colorado.

And next year is shaping up to up the ante.

I'd been thinking how my values are taking more nuanced shapes, how much experiences have shaped me.

So what is this post about? I think it's about the experience of experiencing. I may have a lot in common with you. I tell myself I value experiences and save where I can on material possessions. When I have a hundred bucks to spend, I look at it as a choice between the two, and usually choose an experience. Food, for example. A concert. A travel experience, like a cooking class or scuba diving.

But what if an experience also included investing in my learning? Or doing nothing?

Kristin reminded me today of the power of leading by example. I could be leading by example by taking extremely good care of myself. And, as I'm growing older, my body, my habits, my values are all growing stronger.

I'm taking good care of my body and plan to continue this trend.

I'm taking good care of my brain, and will do the same.

This year, Uplift (my company) launched the Longevity newsletter, which is not so secretly an opportunity for me to learn more about how to live a longer, healthier life.

I'd been thinking a lot about this article on multitasking. I still structure my day to avoid it, but I definitely practice switching tasks more than I used to. I feel like I'm training my brain to switch focus more quickly--not something I want.

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2017-12-27T13:59:00-07:00

Why?
Thanks, previous years!
What now?
To a nice, long year of being present!

Why?

It's now seven years of doing this. Every end of the year. I could say it's habit by now. Butcha know what? It ain't. I love reflecting and setting goals. Ironically, these resolutions are not about the end goal. They are about the process.

I revisit my list goals, briefly, every month, to remind my future self why I do what I do. Having goals that are achievable actually keeps us going.

And yes, I know Dan Gilbert tells us not to share our goals because we'd be less likely to achieve them. That may be true on average. It may even be true for me.

But what I can tell you, for sure, is that your mindset, values and beliefs are going to determine who you are much more than your cognitive biases.

All you have to do is be aware of them. Daniel Kahneman would agree :)

Past: 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012

Thanks, previous years!

What are the most amazing accomplishments of 2017?

Growing the consulting business (by a lot!) with even more future potential!
Feeling more settled in Colorado (a house, a long-term partner, friends, fondness of winter and general vibe).
Traveling to 2 continents for the first time: South America (Brazil) and Africa (Morocco). This is no small thing while having a partner, running a business and moving!
Taking some quality me-time during these trips and treating myself better than before (although there's still room for more).
Being more proactive with my social life, e.g. making friends through Couch Surfing, kite surfing, or just online
Sending out newsletters (to 1000+ people).
Managing multiple connections, coordinating variables in personal and professional life.
Investing in my inner/spiritual growth, working on my insecurities.
Training as a yoga certified instructor, highly related to above.
Balancing work and personal life. This is still a challenge when you own your own business, so I'm giving myself props!
Dancing. Dancing solo. Dancing with people. Learning a bit of Forro in Brazil.
Integrating well in my second year in Colorado.
Going back to Romania and feeling loved and loving towards my friends.

What adversities did I face?

Traveling alone felt lonelier this time. Probably because I spent a third of my year traveling solo.
Having the spare tire stolen along with a bit of other stuff (welcome to Brazil...)
Jealousy and some sort of attachment fear. I'm still processing this, so I don't have too many details to share.
Exercising self-love when I'm alone. That's why this is a goal for 2018 ;)
Working too hard in November and December. That seems to carry on from last year. This one's getting a goal too.
Still got tension in my body. Mostly during the times when I was working too hard, or stressing about stuff, and not taking the time to meditate or exercise.

In 2017 I aimed for:

Live from the heart

Grade: A

This year, I lived from the heart so much more that I cried, laughed, felt fear and anger and gave myself permission to be imperfect. I'm also proud to be working through my fears, and remember any childhood beliefs I may no longer hold...

I still blame myself quite a bit, and I get in my head too much when it comes to anxiety, fear, and anger. That is homework for 2018.

Here's what I did well:

Laughed a lot more! I set a reminder for this (every two weeks I think?) and every time it came up I felt pretty good about it. It's been a conscious effort. I was even sore from laughing many times. I seriously thank my partners and friends for their laugh-inspiring lives! :D
Felt more. When it comes to jealousy, fear, and anxiety, I definitely felt more. The best times I handled it, I didn't blame myself, I helped myself be present, accepted these feelings as they arose, maybe meditated, read, or exercised. I also didn't blame myself, and I saw the end in sight--that emotions don't own me, nor do they define who I am. They are simply a part of my self.
Adventurously connected with people! I mean, I went to a Brazilian Carnival. And traveled alone for almost a third of the year. And made a pen pal. And reconnected with people I haven't spoken to in years. I also connected with a high school crush and that had its own set of realizations. So much good stuff!
Explored communities. I felt so good going back to California and bonding with old time friends. Also bonded with a Couchsurfing host in Brazil. A hotel family also in Brazil. And two couples in Morocco. I feel that I have made some lasting connections through that. I'm excited to find a community in Colorado, too.
Empathized more. I've been practicing this with my partner, my business, and my friends so much more this year. It's been tiring at times, and mostly extremely rewarding!!

Not so well:

Did not learn about humor (carryover from 2016). I started a book on it perhaps last year, and never finished. 2018.
When it comes to fear and anxiety, I'm not so good about accepting them. I try to analyze them ASAP and they seem to just get worse. 2018.
Have more patience for my own emotions, especially anger (anger naturally adds a sense of urgency). 2018.
Find a community in Colorado. This is kind of already underway... What I hope for is more outdoorsy/hiking/nature/exercise/active people.

Overall this woulda been an A+ if I could love myself more, and be more patient with myself as I truly accept something. I think as an overall skeptic and analytical person, I tend to accept things with difficulty--it ain't easy to persuade me to believe, to have faith.

Mentor and write more

Grade: B+

Great year for business! A lot of the bullets I laid out have been at least attempted, and many succeeded.

The biggest grade drop comes from not having a mastermind group AND not writing. If I had done at least one of those... But hey, at least I mentioned the group to a handful of people.

Yea:

Subcontracted a couple times. Small projects. It went well!
Mentored subcontractor, partners, and engaged in joint projects with my fellow consultants.
Collaborated with other people (JG, PT, my brother, people during travels).
Joined and was active in a couple of networks and made connections. Helped other friends find freelancers.
Delegated as much as possible to an office assistant. Looking forward to more of this.

Nay:

Wanted to continue subcontracting, but didn't make it a priority. 2018.
Didn't write much this year, professionally or personally (I mean, this is the only personal post!). It's actually a big sad poop. 2018.
Didn't join any kind of mastermind/regular guidance group. This is actually a priority still. 2018.

Mental and physical growth through adventure and spirituality

Grade: B+

The "big changes" I felt coming in this area mostly materialized around an inner realization:

I am a leader. I am confident. Either I know the way, or I know how to go about finding the way.
I am strong and I can attempt anything and likely succeed.
I value my health and my body, and my body is finally ready to put on some muscle.

Overall I would grade this a bit higher on the spiritual side. The physical side needed more attention (e.g. when I was working too hard). So I got docked.

Well:

Increased my focus on some less-enjoyable things. Also increased my focus on just being present.
Practiced patience in sexual endeavors.
Added spiritual elements to my life using solo dancing and journeys alone.
Kitesurfed being really present: a beautiful, long downwinder in Brazil. A day on a 13m in strong Morocco wind, didn't get hurt and also had fun!
Did a bit of cleanse (greens-centric).
Reduced tension in my body when I had quality, non-stressful time.
Bought weights and started using them. Also started working out at home.
Bought a yoga pass

Nell:

Didn't meditate regularly in the second half of the year. Basically since my partner moved in and started work. Habits can get lost in change. Luckily, they can be rebuilt.
Didn't really build much muscle. I seem to be much better at building strength. People were surprised by my strength for how muscular I looked. 2018.
Didn't buy a yoga pass until the end of the year, basically. Same for weights ;)
I miss guided meditations. They sometimes add a spiritual dimension by making me appreciate/inquire/be grateful.
Would still love to host a group meditation. 2018.
Would love to experiment with intermittent fasting, but not sure this is worthwhile.

Build something

Grade: C-

Accomplishments:

Bounced around some product ideas.
Learned more about sales.
Learned more about building products by consulting on them :)

Challenges:

Didn't actually start building or reaching out to people for validation
Didn't get anyone to try it out.

Depending on how you look at this, a C- is kind of a failure. But it's not an F! I did actually take steps and make an effort towards building something.

One thing I did build, that was not professional at all, is making a house a home. And taking spiritual and emotional journeys--building within myself. Those can be celebrated ... somewhat separately from this goal :)

Travel to new continents

Grade: A+

I guess when you love something, you prioritize it. And this is something I really love. Some things changed this year in regards to travel--for example, I am a bit weary of traveling for so long without company. Simultaneously, I've grown so much through my travels, and that fuel is likely to keep me going.

Unwrapped:

Set foot on South America and Africa for the first time. Two continents I'd never visited before! Ah, and so it begins...
Traveled solo for 2 long trips and a few short trips.
Learned about Brazil from a CS Brazilian lady--a smart doctor, hehe
Learned about Morocco from a Moroccan-French couple. Also had to learn some French to understand them. Also learned more from various locals I met through travels, including in silence in Abdullah's Cafe.
My hosts helped me leave my kite gear in Essaouira. I leaned on them to help me, which was uncomfortable, out of character, and so rewarding. <3
I felt a lot of compassion for a lady with a child and a messy life who liked me, liked sex, and was ashamed of who she was.
Had a wonderful revisiting experience in Romania, felt loved by my friends, and my parents and partner too.
Made some connections kitesurfing in Brazil (friend I stayed in hostel with, friend I did downwinder with) and Morocco (yoga in the desert!)
Had a pretty good work/travel balance while I was traveling. Excellent, in fact, I rarely missed my deadlines, and perhaps even worked too much. My trips were long, so I still got a lot out of the travel experience, and being just me.

Mint in box:

Worked a bit much overall this year. Only during certain periods.

2016 goals

I just want to quickly revisit 2016 and note any progress :)

Grow my revenue by 50% with future potential
- [+] Company revenue grew beyond expectations this year! This is a huge plus!
- [+] Better understand what clients really want: delivering value. Pushing forward their priorities/bottom line.
- [+] Set ourselves apart somewhat more (with React and React Native work)
- [-] Still did not launch targeted landing pages
- [-] Still want to produce more content
Treat my body with loving kindness
- [+] Got more flexible through yogic journey/certification
- [+] Much more consistent about stretching during the whole year, and exercising towards the end
- [-] Still pretty inconsistent with meditation
- [-] Want more exercise and strengthening, muscle building. 2018.
Engage an audience of 1,000+ people
- [+] Done! People tell me that they read the newsletter :)
- [-] Want to improve content/engagement rates.
- [-] Want to establish credibility
Work and travel productively
- [+] Still doing really well. It's challenging at times, but with significant improvements!
- [+] Increased spending on my health, especially during times at home in Colorado
- [+] Got a big kite and kite bar (used, in good shape)
- Could use forcing functions a bit, but generally need them to work less, not more.
- [-] Didn't get fins (for Cali). Learned to ride really well without them though. And I used fins in my trips abroad.
Treat my relationships with loving kindness
- [+] Was even more empathetic and patient than previous years.
- [+] Worked through some SHIT!
- [+] Let go of anger and frustration even further. Still a bit to work on.
- [+] Slowly building new friendships...
- [+] Learning about my fears and wounds, examining them, saying yes to what arises (thanks, Tara Brach!)
- [-] Fueled my fears, and didn't manage to nurture myself through a few sleepless nights.
- [-] Still blaming self. No need to blame at all.
- [-] Still want to learn about humor

2015 reminders for 2017

Done:

Traveled to a new country (South America)
Went to Romania and Africa
Continued building a network for business leads

Carry on:

Join a mastermind group
Building muscle through exercise (weight lifting)

What now?

If it was December 2018 today and I looked back on 2018, what would I want to celebrate?

Last year, I wanted:

A Deeper spiritual inspiration / inclination
B Stretch and strengthen: get more massages, do more yoga, do weight or bodyweight exercise
A Deeper understanding of (universal) love, while having naughty fun
C Build something with my brother
A- Delegate, delegate, delegate (hire an office assistant or something)

This year, I'm going to do something different. Spice things up a bit, ya kno? 6 goals, up to two total with secondary goals. These goals are a bit less overwhelming, so it feels OK to have six.

Self love and confidence. Work through fear and jealousy.
Do not overwork myself. If I do decide to work more, make sure the rest of my life is in alignment with it, and I have the support that I need. This year, I didn't always have the support I needed when I worked very hard.
Take legit time off. Like I am now.
Gain some weight, serious muscle and treat my body well. Live in it. It's my first home. Be present in it.
Subcontract and otherwise grow my business. Attempt some slightly scary challenges here.
Travel. Alone and with company.
Build an active lifestyle with friends in Colorado.
Give. Give. Give.

P1: Dedicated Self Love Practice

If I was a 3rd party witness to myself, would I approve of how I treat me? The idea with this goal is for me to feel confident in my abilities to be a lovable social being.

The 'lets:

Spend quality time with myself. Fully absorbed and present in something I do. The only condition here is that it can't involve staring at a screen. Occasional TV/movie is OK.
Write. Journal for myself. 5 minutes a day or 20 minutes a week.
Read 10 pages per day. From a book, articles don't count. One of them could take me on a spiritual journey.
Dance/breathwork, 4+ times in 2018.
Examples of things I might like: exhausting myself physically through exercise, getting really into something brainy that was fun/creative, meditating or otherwise spiritual journeys
Have patience, kindness and compassion for myself. Avoid pushing myself too far. Say no when someone is asking too much.
Sleep, even if I'm feeling jealous, insecure, or otherwise afraid.
Feel confident in my worthiness of being loved, respected, and treated well. This starts with my own behavior towards myself
Accept reality. Embrace anger and fear. Let them go and feel reality as it is. Stop fighting it.

Ultimate goal: To feel like a healthy adult. Of course there will always be room for improvement, but if I can accept reality, as it is, then my suffering will diminish, or even disappear :)

P1: Gain Weight and Strengthen

Basically, I have been slowly losing weight in the past 4 years. I hit a record low when I was vegan, and then only slightly climbed (<10 lbs).

In 2017 I started building up strength and muscle by buying weights and signing up for yoga. This all happened at the end of the year, so now's the time to follow through.

Gain 10 lbs of muscle. Mostly in my upper body. Absolutely OK to gain fat, less than the muscle :)
Exercise 3 times per week or more. This includes any kind of 20m+ exercise at home, if I am fully present and pushing my body
Weight lift regularly (2+ times per week)
Strengthen through yoga and keep my muscles balanced and flexible (1+ times per week)
Continue to kitesurf
Maybe rock climb, dance, hike, backpack. Add some sort of activity. Once a month is great.
Accept that my body can take up space. More space than it does today. It is OK to weigh more and hold space!

Ultimate goal: To feel more confident in my body. To put on some weight and maintain my flexibility.

P1: Bold Business Changes

I also want to call this Work Health Philosophy 2.0.

This is for sanity and growth. To own a successful business, I believe one must recognize when to work smart, and when to work hard. Hence, this year I am building in incentives to work less, and to earn more with the time I do work. I also want to focus on producing content.

Have a minimum, average, and maximum target of work hours per week.
Take 4 weeks off, or more.
Move to weekly rate for 2+ months.
Blog once a month. If not, produce attractive content.
Subcontract 2+ projects for 2+ months.
Mentor, mentor and delegate. Let go of control or desire for everything to be perfect.
Add 1+ case studies and 1+ testimonials to the business site.
Practice selling or roadmapping.
Take regular breaks during workday (5m every 90 min or less).
Nap 10/20 minutes.

Ultimate goal: Act like a successful business owner. Earn enough while leaving time on the table (instead of overworking).

P1: Travel alone and with company

I really want to travel with a special someone this year. It's hard to plan this all myself, so I'm leaving it more open ended. But here is the gist.

Travel with partner/friend for 1 month+. Or longer.
Learn what it's like to travel together.
Explore USA: national parks, cities.
Don't work at least one week while traveling with company.
Travel alone and don't work for at least a week simultaneously.
Kitesurf in one new place.
Visit one new city.
Do a cooking class.
Explore nature in some new way (scuba dive, hike a tall mountain, backpack, kitesurf and return to a different beach, etc)
Experience new things in new ways that I can't predict right now.

Ultimate goal: Experience travel in a new way.

P2: Give time, money, or both

This is a P2. I really believe I can do this one well though, and at the same time I don't want to overdo it. This year, as every year, I've been presented with the opportunities to give. And I'm feeling readier and readier.

Donate $5K (or) volunteer for 30+ hours (broken up into chunks OK). These are not necessarily equivalent, just what feels right.
Each month, give something to someone that's totally unexpected. Maybe even a stranger. Could be worth a dollar, could be worthless, could be worth a hundred quid.
Recognize that with some clients, I am giving. Either by charging them less, or helping them more than I signed up to do.
Give to my partner in ways they need.
Unconditionally love someone through a tough time for them, or a tough time for me if they are part of the reason.

Ultimate goal: Make an impact on someone's life. Feel the joy and fulfillment that comes with giving unconditionally.

P2: Build friendships and lifestyle in Colorado

I like Colorado a lot, and I've been so in-and-out with travels and relocating, that I haven't felt very settled. And things are starting to change. I think this goal will just naturally happen, but it's a good reminder to have it laid out here :)

Find 1-3 active friends.
Find regular physical activities I enjoy doing: dancing, rock climbing, yoga, weight lifting.
Explore Colorado, check out a new place/thing per month.
Find evening things I enjoy doing and that fit my values/lifestyle.
Learn to relax and be more patient in social settings.

Ultimate goal: Integrate and build a home and a social life.

To a nice, long year of being present!

Thank you 2017!

Building a long term relationship and living with them
A house!
Building friendships, in CO and otherwise
Getting closer to my parents and brother, feels so heartwarming!
Great business, great fortunes financially and professionally
A healthy mind, body, and spiritual growth
Moar feelz
Faith in things I cannot control

Happy new year! To being healthy, happy, safe in a warm home! To loving and feeling loved!

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2016-12-20T08:49:00-07:00

Why?
Thanks, previous years!
What now?
Onward, I say!

Why?

I learn so much about myself, and I check in on this list every month. Somehow, even if I do little out of my way to make these goals happen, I strive for them anyway because they are in the back of my mind. So, it gives me something to look forward to as well.

This is my sixth year doing this, and I really enjoy it.

Thanks, previous years!

What are the most amazing accomplishments of 2016?

Running a joint business with my brother
Forming amazingly deep connections and taking trips with them (Texas)
Learning about empathy, love, and the value of emotions, and how to work with my ego through jealousy and other insecurities
Teaching someone to kiteboard and doing several self rescues
Having the courage to move towards the kinds of relationships I want
Sending out newsletters
Balancing work and personal life really really well! This is no joke, I'm really appreciating myself for it!
Body/parasite cleansing
Moving to a new state (Colorado) and starting over (new friends, new business, exploring)

What adversities did I face?

Being more alone in Mexico than I've ever been (and yet not nearly as lonely)
Moving on from a quite healthy long-term relationship, because it wasn't for me (a hard decision to make)
Traveled often so it was difficult to establish a home
Overworked and overcomitted in relationships (thinking I have more time than I do)
Tension and pain in my body, I didn't maintain and stretch enough, but I did work through it mentally and kept a decent routine

In 2016 I aimed for:

Grow my revenue by 50% with future potential
Treat my body with loving kindness
Engage an audience of 1,000+ people
Work and travel productively
Treat my relationships with loving kindness

Grow my revenue by 50% with future potential

Grade: B

This year, I managed to grow my revenue within shorter timespans (e.g. 4 months) through a combination of selling time and projects. This was a great feat and I feel much more confident in my skills to sell myself by the end of this year.

However, I didn't do so well at producing content (only stayed on track first half of the year). I also did not really niche myself or Uplift, but I did learn tons of new future-oriented skills (Docker, React, Heroku to name a few). I think by the end of 2017 I can sell my time for at least 20% more than I do today.

Here's what I did well:

Wrote 1 blog post a month the first six months
Always had contract work since first client (mid-April), and pipeline has been solid since
Took about 30 days to sign for work once I began looking. This can be reduced by constantly selling, and having a joint business with my brother will help shorten that in the future.
Updated our outreach copy and branding (team, Uplift, include React)
Improved my sales and negotiation skills

Not so well:

Created but did not launch any targeted landing pages
Research what our clients really want (although we did delight our clients at times)
Truly set myself apart (or Uplift)

Treat my body with loving kindness

Grade: B

By being kinder to myself and my surroundings, I put less strain on my body. Perhaps the biggest shortcoming is not doing enough yoga, and not getting enough massages, especially for my wrists and back. Massages are worth it.

Great:

I've been more patient and empathetic this year than ever before
I stepped back and treated myself with calm and kindness
Healed my back more and increased movement, hanging very regularly
Good maintenance on my wrists and arms, room for better
Started the year strong with lots of meditation. Probably helped healing and relaxing given I took a few months off.
Improved my stretching routine (mainly by trying things and doing what the body tells me feels good)
Standing often while working
Frequent gratitude and joy
Awareness of how my body feels
Even more improvements in my diet (fermented products, supplements esp ZMA and OmegAvail, cleansing, probiotics)

Not so well:

Flexibility. It's pretty much the same. Need more yoga
Meditation very inconsistent, going days or weeks without it
Inconsistent stretching
Still have tight hamstrings, back and wrists
Insufficient (core) strength exercises
Not enough back and arm stretching

Engage an audience of 1,000+ people

Grade: B+

This started and there's definitely room for improvement. Mostly, to write better content. And you know what? It was scary to send out that first email, but the world kept spinning and less than 20% of people unsubscribed. And the trend improved. I'm excited to continue building on this.

Great:

Mailing list created, emailed 800+ people via newsletter several times

To improve:

Newsletter can be more thought out and content better organized
Establish credibility: why should you listen to me?
Increase audience engagement and write content that they care about.

Work and travel productively

Grade: A

Outstanding work, Paul!

I have successfully:

Lived outside the US a few months (Mexico)
Thought about where I might live, South America comes to mind.
Experimented somewhat with productivity, but mainly focused on work when I needed to
Worked less when I wasn't overcomitted
Maintained my body and worked standing often
Met lots of people professionally (Boulder Startup Week, Fort Collins networking, Denver tech)
Got a new kite, sold my old kites

Improve:

More planning for next workday(s)
Barely used forcing functions
Increase spending on my health (massage)
Get a new kite bar and a big kite
Get fins or new board

Treat my relationships with loving kindness

Grade: A

I practiced a lot to:

Listen. Listen. Listen.
Be patient. Be kind. Be graceful with others. When I need to step back, do so gently.
Learn what to give others to be respected and revered.
Find a highly gratifying (for both sides) way to give. Ideally as surprise to people.
Be patient and grateful to those that choose to enter my life.
Approach any potential relationship with honesty, curiosity, patience and tenderness.
Create or enter a new community of friends, preferably somewhere else in the world than the Bay Area.
Let go of much fear and guilt, and a bit less for anger and frustration.

More for next year:

Learn about humor. Actually worth researching this via books.
Let go of frustration and anger even further.
Find another community of friends since I moved away and half of them disbanded... :(

Going back another year: 2015

Looking back two years again, but really high level, here's what I'd like to remind myself from 2015, for 2017:

Travel to a new country (South America?), or live in Maui Hawaii for at least a few weeks
Go to Romania (and maybe Africa from there)
Continue building a network for business leads
Join a mastermind group
Stretch, strengthen (yoga and weight lifting)

What now?

In last year's Resolutions I asked this question: If it was December 2017 today and I looked back on it, what would I want to celebrate?

Last year, I wanted:

A Being more patient with my mind, my body, and other people. (of course, always room for improvement)
B Healing and recovering from my back injury so I can continue my favorite exercises. (didn't do enough stretching and yoga)
A Continuing to be self employed and earning a living through it
B Starting an online business and making a first sale (started an online business, but the sale is for services, TBD next year for products)
A Creating (and maintaining) a social life of healthy relationships (I moved to CO, and created an awesome life!)

This year, to save me from tears:

Deeper spiritual inspiration / inclination
Stretch and strengthen: get more massages, do more yoga, do weight or bodyweight exercise
Deeper understanding of (universal) love, while having naughty fun
Build something with my brother
Delegate, delegate, delegate (hire an office assistant or something)

Live from the heart

I'd like to live more fully (wholeheartedly) and feel the beauty of life all around me.

Laugh more. I've surrounded myself with folks that laugh more recently, and my life is all the better for it. Now, I'd like to do more of the same myself.
Learn about humor. Actually worth researching this via books. (carryover from 2016)
Feel more. I want to live more from the heart, to let feelings grow in there more before I brain them to death. I think this will also help with my spiritual path.
Listen and empathize more. I've learned to empathize more. I even wend to a TEDx conference where a talk about compassion made me ball. Feel more love, compassion, patience, and listen.
Adventurously connect with people.
Explore new communities (kitesurfing in other places, e.g. Hawaii, Europe, South America; couchsurfing anywhere; poly)
Be more patient

Ultimate goal: Get more into my heart and out of my head. Feel more connected to the life and world around me. Continue to empathize and value feelings.

Mentor and write more

This year I've done a lot more mentoring and teaching. A lot of it was personally, e.g. relationships or friends. Professionally, it was around working with my brother on our business.

As the year is approaching its end, I have opportunities to mentor subcontractors and to hire an office assistant.

So here are the itemized thingies:

Subcontract projects and continue down the path when it works well.
Collaborate with more people and develop a stronger network (professionally and personally)
Mentor my subcontractors, and my partners in business and in life. And help my friends.
Delegate more responsibilities to an office assistant (and to other people if appropriate).
Write about business and life (so many topic ideas all over the google docs)
Join a mastermind group and guide and receive guidance

Ultimate goal: Do more of what I like. People skills and ideas are so rewarding. The real goal is to feel fulfillment and gratitude for the accomplishments and growth associated with the process of mentoring and writing.

Mental and physical growth through adventure and spirituality

So this is a bit overlappy, because travel to these new countries I'm considering counts as adventure.

Mentally, I'm looking to:

Relax my mind and increase my focus
- Continue meditating regularly
- Practice focus-demanding activities (kiting, being totally present in a connection or an event)
  - How can I do this more/measure?
Explore tantra and new sexual opportunities
- Increases focus as well.
- Practice patience.
- Better understanding of how to channel sexual energy.
Add spiritual elements to my meditations, perhaps do group meditations, share in energy together
- Feel shared energy and act to shape it.
- This may lead to becoming more extroverted.

Phyiscally:

Reduce the overall tension in my body
Do some cleanses and diet experiments (especially removing grains and dairy--aka back to paleo)
Stretch and strengthen: get more massages, do more yoga, do weight or bodyweight exercise
- One massage a month would be great, and worth the cost.
- Yoga once a week, minimum.
- Weight exercises once a week, minimum.
Cleanse toxins from my body, experiment with diet and more
- Do one or more cleanses
- Experiment with short-term vegan diet, gerson diet, short-term seafood diet, and other potentially healing diets

Ultimate goal: Push the boundaries of my mind and my body's healing and strength. I really feel big changes coming in this area. And they are very interconnected, mind and body.

Build something

I want to build a product with my brother. In whatever shape and form.

Here are some goals:

Market validation: validate an idea by asking people
Learn sales: convince people to use the product
Launch something, even a trial or beta or launch page with ideas behind it
Get 10 users to try it out

Ultimate goal: Learn about birthing a product and raising it, especially the parts of it that don't have to do with what I'm already good at (engineering), and more to do with the market, the sales, the psychology, and the luck :)

Travel to new continents

I want to set foot on South America and Africa this year.

Travel solo in a new and non-English environment (Brazil)
Learn about a new culture in depth from the locals (amazing stories to recall later)
Do something I wouldn't normally do on a trip (out of character)
Make the most out of my trip to Romania (by setting foot in Africa, hopefully)
Explore joining a new community of sorts. Any sorts. Perhaps couchsurfing.
Continue work/travel balance.

Ultimate goal: See more of the world. Meet and connect with people and feel a deeper sense of community. Live in the present. Continue building a business on the road.

Onward, I say!

As before, I'd like to express gratitude for so many things in 2016:

Amazingly deep, honest, and wonderful connections with new people as I moved to Colorado. Thank you for all your support and expereinces, I feel so loved and loved so much this year!
A growing fondness and appreciation in my relationship with family (brother, parents)
All of the clients and referrals for my business, without you life would have been much harder!
Amazing growth in my business (and starting a brand in the first place)
Discovering that I actually value feelings and defending emotions ... something I never would have done before.
Traveling to previous (Bay Area, Mexico) and new places (Los Angeles, South Padre, Texas) and meeting sweet people along the way.
So much internal growth
My body, for hosting me and continuing healing, kiteboarding, and rock climbing
Several relationships beginning and ending this year!
By far, a year of big change, albeit with less travel (unless you count living in Mexico for the first 2 months as travel, hehe)

Warm wishes and a wonderful new year to all!

What's the real cause of procrastination & low motivation?

2016-05-15T16:07:00-06:00

The real cause of so much of our struggles is having the wrong mindset. We think motivation should just fall out of the sky.

You're like oh no way, I don't do that. I am a rational person or whatever. But hey, think about a time when you were feeling really depressed or drained of energy! Let's not kid ourselves, we've all had those. And in those moments it becomes the most clear that we wait hoping for motivation to strike us.

Stuck in bed waiting for motivation...

But what about the busy, day to day life we lead? Surely I run out of motivation there and once it's depleted, I have to wait for it to recharge? Kind of like willpower?

Beliefs

Beliefs are not based on reason. That's the whole point. Some people think you can't choose your beliefs, or they somehow feel fake--like they would lose their sense of self if they didn't hold on to their dear beloved beliefs.

If you don't think you can change, or you don't want to change, I welcome you to stop reading this article and go binge watch Netflix (a habit you acquired through change, by the way).

So here's my approach. We don't always develop our beliefs consciously. They are often acquired through life events forming a pattern. They are subconscious. Like when all girls named Sandy seem to be blonde. You don't realize it until you meet another Sandy who's, say, brunette and you go "hey, you don't look like a Sandy".

Another way beliefs are developed is through intesely emotional experiences. These could be positive or negative. An easy example: let's say you get burnt on a gas stove so badly, and you're so terrified and in pain that you develop a fear of fire and decide to eliminate fire from your life completely. You're gonna buy an electric stove.

In a way, beliefs are developed adaptations to our environment. But our environment constantly changes. As it does, some beliefs are likely to serve you poorly in this new world. So don't get too attached to your beliefs.

Similarly, many people developed this belief that your daily willpower is limited and roughly the same each day. Especially because there are tons of articles out there and even books that suggest so.

Scientific facts, or are they?

Here's the thing: there's billions of people on this planet and we are all different.

On average, in terms of DNA sequence all humans are 99.5% similar to any other humans. — Wikipedia

And yet look how different we all seem. Genetic similarity does not account for all these differences, it's just a one-dimensional view. In fact, I believe that we have so much diversity, that you can make many truths appear universal, when in fact they are not. And when psychology is at play, you can prove almost anything. If you happen to choose subjects that believe their willpower is limited, then gosh darnit they will act as if it is and confirm your hypothesis!

So I strongly encourage you to listen to YOUR truth, your body, your mind. Test your own hypotheses.

Believe what's good for you

As David Burns excellently puts it in his book:

I'll bet you still may not know for sure where motivation comes from. What, in your opinion, comes first—motivation or action?

If you said motivation, you made an excellent, logical choice. Unfortunately, you're wrong. Motivation does not come first, action does! You have to prime the pump. Then you will begin to get motivated [...] Individuals who procrastinate frequently confuse motivation and action. You foolishly wait until you feel in the mood to do something. Since you don't feel like doing it, you automatically put it off.

— Feeling good, David D. Burns, M.D.

Elite athletes know that motivation can fail us when we think big, so they focus on the small, incremental gains. Like playing tennis one point at a time. Running a marathon one leg at a time. And so on.

Similarly, believe that you need to act first, and then you will feel the motivation to keep going. Very very often you don't have to do "the whole thing". Even if you're too tired to go to a business networking event, just go for 5 minutes. You don't have to stay the whole evening. You don't even have to talk to anyone more than just saying hi if that idea drains you.

But you'll notice, by the time you get there, you'll already feel better. Because if it lines up with your values, you'll find a way to rationalize it :)

Checks and balances: why believing in things good for only you may not work

You may ask: hey Paul are you saying I can just be super selfish and choose to believe only things that are good for me?

A three-way balanced game... of life

First of all. I steer away from claiming anything universal.

The beauty of evolution is how there's a yin for every yang. How change balances out.

We live in a world where everything is connected. If your beliefs impact other people, or the environment, in a way that's drastically negative, you may be faced with too much adversity to keep going.

So here's my advice: just develop beliefs according to your values. What's most important to you? Do your beliefs protect or stifle acting according to those values?

Summary: back to motivation and willpower

I digress. Here's the summary: act first, and take a small step at a time. Motivation will come. Even when you feel certain that it won't. Focus on the present, on that small action.

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2015-12-05T21:35:00-07:00

Why?
Thanks, previous years!
What now?
Onward, I say!

Why?

I develop a longer-term perspective by looking back and forward 12 months each year.

This is my fifth year doing this, and I really enjoy it.

Thanks, previous years!

First off, looking back at 2015, I am amazed and infinitely grateful! It's been a year beyond expectations. What went particularly well?

Maintained my career independence all year through consulting work (in my first year, plunged right into full time!!)
Worked while traveling, for extended periods of time!! (months)
So much kiteboarding!
Lots of individual growth in relation to others (broke new ground in relationships)

What did not go well?

I had a back injury and am still recovering. I'm just now coming to see it as the great opportunity for growth that it really is. I already went back and forth in my head on what could I have done different. Unfortunately, I can't turn back time. But the lessons learned are useful for life.
My relationships all dwindled. I messed up several times. I've had an easier time forgiving myself than before, which is a good thing. They were necessary lessons. I regret splitting myself too thin and doing too many things: there were times where a bit more focus and importance to the present risks of a relationship would have been very useful. I'm learning and applying lessons here... and I feel that there is more to learn.

Here's what goals I focused on achieving for 2015:

Travel, travel, travel
Grow myn own business
Become more physically fit
Improve emotional balance

Travel, travel, travel

Grade: A

I experienced travel in a whole new way this year. I briefly wrote about a recent milestone.

Travel to 2 new countries minimum. Done and upped: Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Thailand, Cambodia, Turkey, Mexico.
Travel solo to a place for at least a week. Done and upped: Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Mexico.
Immerse myself in a culture and learn to speak Spanish. Done: Mexico.
Visit Romania. And visit Turkey while I'm at it! Done! Only spent a few days in Istanbul, but totally worth it.
Work and travel for at least a week. Done for months.

I would give this an A+ except I did not experience as much of the world as I would have liked. I prioritized work and did not make an effort to explore as much as I should have (especially in Costa Rica), which defeats part of the point of my initial traveling goals. The best decisions I made to break out of this inertia have been:

Visiting Cluj was truly life-changing.
Visiting Istanbul was remarkably straightforward and I had excellent local help guiding me around. I could write a helpful post on Istanbul now that I think about it...

Specific situations I see now that I could do better:

Visiting Costa Rica without seeing much of the country because I worked and kited pretty much all day every day. This as opposed to a woman I met named Julia who explored that whole part of the Americas in almost as long a time as my trip. I think 3-5 days would have been enough to feel like I'm getting the exploration side.
Visiting Romania without seeing much outside of Bucharest (excluding Cluj). I worked most days and this was a general sense among all my friends. I think one 3-5 day trip here would have been enough of a gamechanger.

Particular processes I could improve

Plan a short (3-5 day) period of exploration as part of a trip to a new destination. Could be a long weekend, or half-day explorations if in a city.
First day in: front the costs on a hotel with WiFi or plan on downtime/productivity cuts for a day or two to figure things out.

Grow my own business

Grade: B

Really, it could be a B+, because it's been a truly amazing year.

Feeling independent career-wise is SO liberating I cannot express. And I have had almost no problems with motivation. In the beginning I struggled somewhat, but have since reshaped my beliefs and my life to mediate that. Yet more ideas for future blog posts. Overall, I did learn a ton about owning a business and talked to specialists, learned from mentors, and generally invested way more time in learning than I thought I would. That's why I gave myself a B plus.

Frankly, on a purely pragmatic level, I am far away from achieving promising growth. The key reasons for this are:

Not having automated lead generation
Not having an audience

Those two are actually related, and are promising to be the main challenge for 2016.

In terms of the specific bullets I laid out last year, having my own business is turning out to be quite different than what I expected it to be. So my initial long-term goals of:

a focus on particular kinds of great work I do and
a reputation, a network aware of my abilities and demanding me.

... I barely touched on in 2015. Instead, I learned more about:

all the different kinds of work I should be great at
to succeed at getting steady, satisfied clients

As for the concrete sub-goals:

Earn enough to be extra comfortable. Overdone. My first year has been wildly succesful financially. At the expense of long-term investment in a sustainable growing business. More on this later.
Legal and tax stuff. Done and ongoing. Got myself a CPA, financial advisor, and working on more.
Create an emergency fund.
Save, save, save.
Bill at least 900 hours.
Learn what I enjoy to offer through my business and focus on that. Partial but satisfactory, since I have learned about so many things I didn't initially set out to.
Get involved with mentors. Thanks, Brennan, Ramit, and others!
Invest in growing my own technical skills (angular, dynamodb, minimal design, pm, devops).
Make a dream come true: work and travel (combine with above goal), a big reason I decided to be independent. Absolutely done!

Fell short on:

Developing a client base. Only had a handful of clients.
Did not get involved with groups. I'd like a mastermind group.
Creating something of public value: an app, a website, a service, software tools, a blog. BUT! I have a few solid ideas to pursue for 2016 that I am really excited about. More on this later.

Become more physically fit

Grade: B+

I definitely feel and look more fit and relaxed than before. However, in the process of losing fat I learned that my body is unhappy with less than where I'm at right now. As soon as I get sorta- visible abs, my circulation is poorer and I get cold way too easily--in 70 degrees!! (21 celsius)

I have also succeeded at gaining at least 5lbs of muscle, maybe more. I'd say most of it is core and leg muscle, which I actually love, and there's a fair gain in my arms and less so my chest. That has to do more with the way I've gained the muscle, which is mostly kiteboarding and rock climbing.

So here's how I did:

Got a standing desk and used it for a few months. I love it.
Gained muscle and lost fat.
Kited my ass off.
Learned a lot about stretching and still learning. Through massage therapists, chiropractors and other kiteboarders. I'm still developing my own routine, but I have daily exercises now.
Awesome diet improvements. I'm excited to continue this in 2016. I learned that eating wheat is not a problem for me in Europe, but it is in the US. Similar for various kinds of cheese. So I'm staying off of grains and still avoid processed foods.

And fell short like so:

I still spend too much time sitting and having poor posture
Sucked at regular exercise and yoga while traveling. Since I spent 4+ months traveling this year, I need to come up with a better system.
Didn't do any organized biking. Did some spontaneous trips myself, probably the most in a day was 15 miles.
I still barely danced. It can't be a regular thing. I'm letting go of regular dancing as a goal for now. I still hope to improve in the next few years.

Improve emotional balance

Grade: A-

This almost feels like an B+, but I actually accomplished the things that are healthiest for me best, and fell short on other ones. Sooo... I'm cutting myself a break (or in the spirit of meditation-speak, I'm treating myself with loving kindness)

Did well:

Meditated once per day most of the year. Given the difficulty of this habit, I'm calling it "done well". Also, I decided once a day is enough, and I prefer 30-40 minutes in one go. My daily average is about 20 minutes.
I generally let bygones be bygones. And when I didn't, I learned from it.
I've been excellent at keeping my inbox organized and handling incoming tasks.
Embraced urgency and generally did not panic or stress out.
Respected my own boundaries much more, and became more comfortable with time alone and traveling solo.
Learned a ton about working while traveling.

Fell short:

Did not always focus on the most productive tasks. In fact, I have an ambition for 2016 around this: devise several routines for productive days, and a high frequency to engrain them as habit. Morning routines get a special focus.
Having a more concrete direction and setup for myself, especially while traveling. I'm cutting myself a break since I've been learning how to travel and work this year, and it's been more challenging than I expected.

Overall I'm impressed and proud of myself for handling this one so well.

One of my best relationships transitioned to friendship
I saw my close friends from Romania and opened up to them about my changed mindsets, with some tough conversations
I stepped away from kiteboarding when my body told me to

Going back another year: 2014

This year I'm starting something different. I'm looking back two years.

Explore connections with people

I've come to look at love (the "giving") as a very deep intuition of giving love and caring for another person in a way they feel loved and cared for (as opposed to in a way we think they should be loved and cared for). Thanks to a very special person for this remark :)

So:

I have an even deeper understanding of love: we love those who makes us feel loved the way we want to be loved.
I have become a better listener. However, I should confidently establish my credibility to be revered.
I am still learning to give more and healthily.
I am still working on my model of sustainable relationships. I want to read more and meet more people around this, perhaps by going to meetups.

Strengthen my sense of self

My ego still gets in the way and I still let frustration or even mild anger take control at times. This happens more when someone breaks my expectations repeatedly and then makes a comment about me, even when it's not a criticism. I'm grateful that it's such a small thing, and I'm hopeful of managing my temper better.
In my career I am expanding my sense of self so much that I need to re-examine my career focus for 2016.
Courage has taken on another level of meaning: the ability to make intelligent decisions and understand the risk. This must be the true mastery of fear that I read all those quotes about. Meditation has been helping, too.
I'd like to incorporate gratefulness into my meditation practice. It will help create more abundance and calm in my life.

Produce more and consume less

I still suck at producing regularly outside of my work. I cannot become a leader and continue this consumerist trend.

In order to become a producer I think I really need to prioritize it. Some of it has been a natural part of my consulting career, but there is room for more. 2016 -- have at it, please.

What now?

A part of this was inspired by Steve Pavlina. Steve writes really well. His 11 year retrospective has inspired me to look back at my growth as well and ask these questions:

What was my greatest growth experience during those 11 years?
What was my greatest growth lesson during those 11 years?
- For him, this was the lesson: When I fail to consciously create my own path of growth, I slow myself down and enjoy my life less.
What areas of my life am I coasting instead of growing?

Here it is for me:

What was my greatest growth experience during the past 5 years?

Daring to be who I want to be in my relationships with others. Creating my own path, defining and attracting my own success.

What was my greatest growth lesson during those 5 years?

It's basically the same as Steve's. When I fail to follow my own goals and path, I enjoy life less. I've succeeded at following my path much more in the past two years than in the prior two.

What areas of my life am I coasting instead of growing?

I don't feel like I'm coasting in any area at the moment. But these may come up during 2016 and I'd like to keep an eye on them:

Physically. My flexibility and balance is improving, but very slowly.
- Kiteboarding, partially because I am recovering from an injury still
- Flexibility, because I haven't been doing regular yoga. I need an exercise routine.
Emotionally. I've transitioned away from many relationships. After tending to myself, it will soon be time to open up to others deeply.
- Experience higher intimacy with one or a few people. Increase this with my brother and my family.
Spiritually. Experience more peace and less anger and frustration. I expect some sort of epiphany here.
- Commit to a higher connection to myself and my spiritual beliefs. Probably through meditation.

2016+

Startups for the rest of us made a great point. They suggested asking this question: If it was December 2016 today and I looked back on it, what would I want to celebrate?

Here are the top things:

Being more patient with my mind, my body, and other people.
Healing and recovering from my back injury so I can continue my favorite exercises: kiteboarding, rock climbing, yoga (last one is part of recovery)
Continuing to be self employed and earning a living through it
Starting an online business and making a first sale
Creating (and maintaining) a social life of healthy relationships

Even those are a lot, and I hope to come close to them.

Grow my revenue by 50% with future potential

As part of taking my business to the next level, I thought about what 2x or 3x would look like. Honestly, I think there is potential to 3x or even 5x in terms of revenue.

However, life is not about money. Money is important up to a point. That point is surviving comfortable. After that, providing value to the world is much more important.

And in that spirit, 2016 is going to be a year of investment and research. Instead of growing my client base doing the same thing or increasing my rates and working more hours, I want to build something of lasting value and devise processes around it. This is key.

So, more concretely:

Grow my revenue by 50% in 2016. Ultimately grow 3-5x within 2 years. (Possibly this results in reduced hours with similar total revenue. Also acceptable.)
Produce valuable content for my clients or my industry (1 blog post a month)
Develop a client pipeline to mitigate the drought of consulting
Investigate potential audiences and Devise 2+ targeted landing pages (reach 100 subscribers?)
Zone in on what my potential clients really want and get inside their heads via research
Find an ambitious combination of skills that sets me apart

Ultimate goal: Grow 50% while building a growing business and audience. Use niching, quality content and client research to increase my value.

Treat my body with loving kindness

2015 has been wonderful for building strength. However, I've been feeling more tightness and muscle soreness than before. Both as part of aging and due to the intensity of my sport hobbies, I've found it necessary to stretch and care for my joints: wrists, knees, elbows.

My hopes are that I increase my flexibility and reduce my joint and muscle soreness while doing the sports I love. This will allow me to really make progress and improve my board and kite skills, and my climbing skills. If it doesn't work out, Plan B is to commit to yoga and stretching so as to strengthen my body and prepare for this to be possible in another year. Overall, I am confident I can find a healthy balance in 2016.

Be patient. Be kind. Be graceful with others. When I need to step back, do so gently.
Improve flexibility
- In particular, my legs and hips: hamstrings and quads. E.g. folding forward, opening my hips. Yoga is key here.
- Also my back: twisting and arching
- Average at least 20 minutes a day of stretching + yoga
- Develop my own routine and practice regularly with discipline
- Key areas:
  - Posture
  - Tight muscles: hamstrings, back, wrists, shoulders, pects, neck
  - Core strength
Maintain healthy posture. Key areas:
- Back: upper, lower, shoulders
- Wrists: daily wrist self-masssage
- Neck: possibly cervical collar. Watch neck posture when on computer or phone
Meditate regularly
- Average at least 20 minutes a day. Can combine with stretching and make it 30 minutes.
- Incorporate gratitude and loving kindness at least once per week
- Maintain a keen eye on how my body feels. This will help prevent injury and help me relax.
Maintain core, legs and back strength with sports: kiteboarding, rock climbing, yoga
Remind yourself to relax and be grateful. Every. Single. Day.
Continue to eat well.

Ultimate goal: Maintain a healthy practice so I can still kiteboard, bike and rock climb while increasing flexiblity and having a healthy posture with yoga and stretching.

Engage an audience of 1,000+ people

So this is probably my scariest goal on the list. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this yet... I figure, worst case of "total failure" is I learn a valuable lesson in the process.

Here are the criteria:

The audience can be engaged personally, professionally, or both
Create a mailing list
Establish credibility: why should you listen to me?
Building this audience will require producing quality content
Overall topic: Define and attract your own success.
- Potential narrower topics include consulting, travel and food (food on the road, even).
Engage my audience and write content that they care about.

Ultimate goal: To produce quality work other people can truly benefit from. To finally commit to a regular way to give to the world. For me, the reward is learning, making friends, and possibly clients.

Note: This is a more concrete iteration of my goal from the past to "Produce more and consume less." History repeats itself :)

Work and travel productively

Despite the difficulty of working while traveling, I love love love love it! I am excited to continue this journey next year. The most challenging aspects this year have been:

Finding reliable internet for my meetings.
Finding a decent place to live.
Eating healthy in countries and diets you've never experienced.

Other challenges where my pre-existing skills made a huge difference:

Budgeting while on the road (this may be hard for most people, but I've been budgeting for years)
Living in second world conditions (being from Romania helps)

The point here is that I was frustrated and annoyed while traveling several times due to my expectations and my unpreparedness. Admittedly it's hard to know what a place is going to be like before arrival, but it's not so difficult to plan for failure. Which I only started doing towards the end of my travel year.

So what's the next level here?

Live outside the US at least 3 months
- Acknowledge that transitioning to a new place will cost me in productivity for even 1-2 weeks. Plan accordingly.
- Actually think about places I want to go to as places I might want to live in.
- Off of those, include nearby travel destinations that may not be "workable from", but that are beautiful and interesting otherwise. E.g. how Ko Phi Phi was in Thailand.
Experiment with productive routines:
- Morning focus on what matters to me
  - My body: meditation, yoga, stretching
  - My career: what is the most productive thing I can do in the morning?
  - My relationships?
- End of day:
  - Plan out what are the first things I'm going to get done to avoid falling for "reactive mode". This should not need to take longer than 30 minutes, even 15 with practice.
  - Sometimes, wind will encourage morning breaks. Alternative productive day requires end of day planning.
Work/life balance
- This year I worked my body quite hard. As I work towards a predictable consulting life, I want to limit the number of working hours per day. A healthy limit feels between 4-6 hours.
- I plan to use forcing functions to increase my productivity: working meetings and time-constrained work
- If I had just three hours to work today, what must I get done?
- Take more time to meet people and listen to them and understand them. This year has been great for that, but I can do better.
Increase my spending budget by 25-30% for higher quality of life. This money goes towards:
- Nicer accomodations while traveling (#1)
- Newer kite gear

Ultimate goal: Enjoy work and travel more comfortably. Become a professional at leading a working life on the road.

Treat my relationships with loving kindness

In 2015, I didn't have relationships explicitly on my list. Relationships are such an important part of life that I felt suspicious of them not being on this list. Now they are back! This time, they are much less about my selfish needs. But really all about me growing as well, underneath it all.

My priorities for this:

Listen. Listen. Listen.
Be patient. Be kind. Be graceful with others. When I need to step back, do so gently.
Learn what to give others to be respected and revered.
- Short, simple summaries about myself should suffice.
Find a highly gratifying (for both sides) way to give. Ideally as surprise to people.
Be patient and grateful to those that choose to enter my life.
Approach any potential relationship with honesty, curiosity, patience and tenderness.
Learn about humor. Actually worth researching this via books.
Create or enter a new community of friends, preferably somewhere else in the world than the Bay Area.

Ultimate goal: Fill my life with patience, love and gratitude. Be present with other people. Let go of frustration, anger, fear, and guilt.

Looking back forwards

There's a term for this I heard before. Could it be future hindsight? The idea is to pretend you're in the future and look back to this moment.

What would I see after 2016 ends, if I look back? Well, most likely, I'll think I was completely wrong and I ended up in a different place than I thought I would. But then, why have these goals at all? Because, frankly, without goals, there is nothing to measure against. Goals give us purpose. They give us confidence. They give us reasons to do what we do. Even when those goals are wrong. There's a saying (and if you know who said it originally, please comment): if you don't set your own goals, you're working towards somebody else's.

I'm stoked for 2015 and I expect to be surprised!

Onward, I say!

I'd like to close with some gratitude for my year:

All the wonderful people that have helped me as part of my newly launched consulting career: clients, friends, friends of friends, and pure strangers. I have met and bonded with so many people from various parts of the world, even taking the time to process all of that knowledge fully would take the whole year all over again.
All the wonderful men and women who shared a part of themselves with me. Well, especially women. I have learned so much from people of all ages, and those who shared a big part of themselves have trusted me with so much more than I could have hoped for, and have enriched my life beyond what I could have imagined.
My family. My brother and my parents have been immensely supportive and positive lights in my life as I've taken this journey into foreign lands: both literally and figuratively (travel, career, relationships).
A special thank you to my friends from San Francisco Bay Area and Romania for digging themselves deep into my soul and supporting me with insightful advice and hugs :)

Thank you, 2015! And 2016, here I come!

The number one reason working while traveling is hard

2015-11-28T20:55:00-07:00

I have this idea in my mind that I can travel for a while, see the world and work every day, productively, almost as if the world was my home.

If you've ever tried or dreamed about work/travel, chances are you've projected this idealistic view of it as well.

Well, good news! I'm here to tell you it's possible. You can experience peak efficiency and productivity while on the road.

In fact, there are lots of factors helping you to do just that.

But, whether you realize it or not, there is one challenge, above all, that is not immediately obvious. Or at least to me, it wasn't

I can just resume work tomorrow!

So here I am one evening in Mexico, taking it easy at 8pm on a Saturday.

I get home earlier than expected and I find myself reading through some content on writing better blog posts (thanks, Ramit!). You know, like normal people do on Saturday nights... right?

And I'm thinking already that I'm proud of myself for somehow doing this productive thing unplanned.

In the video at the bottom where they discuss processes. And then it hits me.

Exactly at the root of why work-travel is hard is this: the difficulty in maintaining your existing processes.

Traveling somewhere new? Different timezone? Don't know where you're gonna sleep? Are you gonna have internet there?

Imagine getting off a plane (or out of the car, really) after heading to a different place that you know little about. Tomorrow, you were planning to work some number of hours. Presumably that's what you did yesterday.

In a way, it's kinda like being reborn: you are just thrown into this new place (well, thrown by your own choice presumably), and hey-o!! Better find your way around before sunrise when you gotta continue to achieve your goals.

All of those are challenges to sustained productivity. How can you possibly produce at your most valuable level when you have to confront so many new challenges all of a sudden? I don't know why, and it sounds ridiculous to even say it, but I thought I could just walk off the plane and resume my productive career while experiencing this new location.

Why yes, it IS possible.

And I can! How?

As most impossible things tend to become possible: by adjusting expectations and setting better processes in place.

Here are just two simple examples:

Be willing to spend an upfront cost and get a hotel with solid internet. This allows you to continue your productive rythm. While you're staying there and not working, you can talk to the locals and figure out a better place to stay.
If you're not able to do that, plan on not having your day-to-day beat just yet. Only for a day or two while you figure out how you're going to get your new routine together.

Objections and misconsceptions of a consulting relationship

2015-11-20T08:53:00-07:00

There is a pattern in many of the emails I get about working with me as a consultant. I've put this page together for your benefit, so you can understand where I'm coming from.

Part time can actually be more productive than full time

First off, I just want to get the obvious out of the way. I'm not saying it's always better to work with a consultant. There are many situations in which a full time employee makes more sense.

Many employers seem to think that more time equals more stuff done. For any kind of demanding working (mental or physical), it is simply not true.

Past the warmup period, the most productive hours are the first 3-4. Then productivity drops.

It's commonly known by now that our most productive time tends to be the first hours of the day. For some people, it's the last hours of the day--even at night. Sometimes, taking a break mid-day can allow you to work "double time" and into the evening, but this will usually affect your productivity the next day.

If you're like me, chances are that you have your most productive time right after you get past the "warmup" period.

A full time employee, working 8+ hours a day, is not going to deliver the highest quality work during all of those eight hours. Even with a 30-60m lunch break.

We all like to believe we have found "gems" of productivity. Yet studies show over and over again that people lose focus frequently. We can't even stay focused during a 60 minute presentation. Heck, our mind wanders every few seconds -- if you've ever meditated, you know this.

I only work with those who value my time

So I've made a resolution. Just as I value my client's money and time, so too I expect them to value mine. I only work with clients who respect and value my time.

I often respond to inquiries by noting that I bill by (1) time or (2) the value I deliver. Let me make it clear that, when I bill my time, I bill my most productive time.

Put other ways...

If you're a client reading this, by now I hope you realize the absurdity of this statement: "We want leaders who work sixty hours a week at peak productivity".

But I can hear you say:

Well, not all work is going to be highly demanding work. There will be lots of odds and ends and mindless repetitive tasks.

Then I suggest hiring an assistant at a lower rate, or automating these repetitive tasks. Delegate, delegate, delegate.

What about after-work events, or culture building?

Those have nothing to do with productivity. At the end of the day, what keeps me motivated is doing good work to run a successful business. And to be completely transparent, I don't buy into all this BS around playing games at work, having late dinners, and so on.

The bottom line is that your business is not your life. It's not your life, and it's not my life. I value people (family, friends, clients), and experiencing the world. I enjoy doing my business because consulting is all about people. Getting to know each other is part of a consulting relationship.

What about all these daily meetings?

The best meetings are few and far between.

"We want someone to take ownership and think critically, not a hired gun"

Since I think of myself as an investment for a client, my goal is to deliver tremendous value to them. A happy client is priceless.

A great client wants to work with me again and again. And refers me to other clients.

As such, I am invested in the success of your business. After all, I am building a sustainable business of my own. Why would I take your money, do the job, and disappear? That just doesn't make sense to me!

And of course, another way to add to that is by offering equity.

How this model of intelligence helped me get over my indecision

2015-10-27T22:48:00-06:00

I recently* read a book that claims prediction represents the core of intelligence. Think about that. We are intelligent, therefore we are able to predict. We are by that measure more intelligent than other animals because we are able to predict more complex things.

I'll leave the evolutionary details aside for a moment and skip over to another observation.

My context: decision overload

My life is of such nature that, should I choose, I have the opportunity to make an overwhelming number of important decisions in a very short amount of time.

In fact, I believe everyone's life can become this way if they choose to follow their own values instead of others'. That's a topic for another article, however.

I currently enjoy a flexible lifestyle. It's wonderful! However, it comes with a potential for decision paralysis. Being self employed, I get to decide when and where I work, for how long, and more. I get to change what I do over time, if I want to, and so much more. My whole reality is very similar to any new situation or any abundance of freedom you may have. Keeping an open mind to "all possible decisions" comes at a cost, and it also has great rewards.

I would not be able to follow my own path if I always looked to follow others. And in order to follow my own path, I have to make my own decisions. And the more distinct that path is from the paths I can currently draw from, the more obstacles I will hit.

So, in case you, like me, and have been struggling with indecision and you find yourself nodding to these things, great! The first thing you should do is pat yourself on the back and give yourself a break. It's fine to expect great things of yourself, and by the same token you must also have compassion for your own feelings and efforts.

The most powerful realization you can have

What is the purpose of prediction? To help us make decisions. Decisions help us survive and learn. Surviving one decision and learning from it virtually guarantees growth. Think about how powerful that is! Let that realization sink in for a moment. This is why... so many things:

... And its consequences

This is why so many startups talk about failing early and failing fast. Fast over perfect.

Process >= result

This is why our framework for making decisions can easily matter more than the decisions themselves in the chaos of life. In other words, the process or strategy you set forth will, given enough chance and time, succeed despite all odds. And it is the process, much more than the result, that is the true value here.

Exactly what evolution does

This is why evolutionary theory is all about survival in the face of change. All about adaptations that provide a reproductive advantage. It is really the same in our business:

Businesses that are nimble and constantly focus on making advances and innovations in their industries are the ones that grow beyond imagination and survive radical changes in their surrounding environments (change in demands, fierce competition, etc). In other words, businesses that have the processes laid out in such a way that they can adapt to change more readily are more likely to survive.
Businesses that can predict what an advantage would be over the competition and then execute on it will ultimately grow to replace the competition.

And in personal lives:

Trust is all about prediction. We learn what and who we can and cannot trust. Those of us who have a good process for trust are going to make better decisions trusting or not.
Think of any conversation you have had with someone new. Chances are you made tons of predictions about them within seconds of interacting with them. The more of those predictions are right, the more potential for the connection. Be it dating, friendship, negotiation.

The consequences and causes of not making decisions

This is why the paradox of choice resonates with so many. It's like your brain having to use swap space to calculate your result. It is also why distractions and extreme acts are so much more common now. We are still understanding decision fatigue and the limits of willpower.

Prediction is the best we've got

Even the best means we have to understand the world are all about prediction.

If you remember only one thing out of this writing, let it be this: commit to making focused decisions. The more high-impact decisions you can make with your mind at its "best-prediction" state (a.k.a. fully charged willpower), the more confident you can be, the more you will learn, the faster you will grow, the less indecisive you will become.

How to avoid indecision?

I use all sorts of tricks to work through my indecisive moments. In an effort not to overwhelm you with choice, here are just a few excellent processes to help with your indecisions:

Set yourself a reminder to look back and find recent times when you were undecided. Then take some time to reflect on them. Try to learn something each time, no matter how small. Depending on how indecisive you are, it may make sense to have this reminder once per day, once per week. Mine is once per week and it's literally "How decisive was I? Did I circle the drain?"
Relax and don't expect to decide something right away when you are confronted with it. Most things can wait much longer than we intuitively feel. Ask yourself: is this a really complex decision? If it is, then it's natural to take a bit longer. Pressuring yourself to decide sooner may only make it worse.
When you feel you're stuck, simply pause. Give yourself a while to forget about the urgency, to relax your frustration. Then come back to it when that feeling of anxiety is gone, or reduced.
Whether you come back or are close to deciding the first time around. Do you find you just can't pull the trigger? Try imagining that you've already decided. That you've moved on to the next thing. Can you see which decision you might have made looking back? If not, perhaps it's not such an important decision after all.
Try deciding one way and sleeping on it. Then see how you feel in the morning.
Try writing it all out. Paint a picture of your future world with that decision made.
Research suggests it takes 21 days to form a habit. Depending on what you're trying to learn and unlearn (or displace), 21 days can feel anywhere between a walk in the park and one of the most painful changes you've ever experienced. My friend Alex recently told me about how they built bicycles that steer the other way when you turn the handles one way, and that it takes a person a similar amount of time to learn either.

To learn one and then the other, however, is a very painful process. And, as you may intuit, you cannot ride one after the other. You cannot know both at once.

Focus on indecisions that are most costly to you

Costly how? That depends on your values. For example, health is my number one value. So I ask myself what indecisions do I experience that cost me my health? Do I treat my body well? Do I stress myself out? Do I even know what's good for my body and mind?!

Speaking of values: make them clear

Focus on stepping back and having clear values. Unclear values are going to cause frequent indecisions. In his book, Tony Robbins talks about how important clear values are. You really cannot underestimate the importance of clear values and priorities in life. Every decision we make weighs our different values and how they agree and conflict with each other.

Remain aware of time

One way I increase my awareness is through daily meditation. This helps me avoid sinking too deeply down a path of indecision. If you find yourself struggling to get out of indecision mode because you're experiencing the sunk costs effect, set a timer.

Any progress is good progress and should be celebrated

I believe in the amazing power of positive reinforcement. So don't beat yourself up if you fail and then realize you failed. That just means you are aware. It means you can take the next step and intervene. And then intervene earlier and earlier in the process until you have completely replaced it with a better process!

My prediction

Alright let's put this intelligence thing to use in my own brain and make some predictions.

I predict that the author is correct and that the reason for this perceived qualitative difference between humans and other brainy things is more a matter of quantity than anything else. At least, so it was initially. It's possible some qualitative difference has since develop (like specialized neurons), but in general our brains seem to generically adapt most parts of the brain to other functions when needed.

I predict that we will continue to teach animals to do things that we didn't think were possible. I predict that we will be able to teach ourselves things that way as well--by specializing, with use of technology, with our ever increasing genetic diversity given the large numbers of us on Earth, and so on.

And I predict we will create intelligent things as well.

Footnotes

*) For my own record, I originally wrote this around July 28.

How I got over my fear of traveling alone

2015-10-26T15:38:00-06:00

This is another adventure and realization as part of my trip to Cluj.

One day, encouraged by my friend, I went to see Salina Turda by my lonesome. At the end of the day, I met two tourists: Rebecca and Jesse. Their first response to my question helped shift my perspective forever.

Here was my question:

How do you deal with traveling alone? Doesn't it get lonely?

Let's get the non-obvious out of the way.

What is a fear, really?

First off, as any good headline, it is exaggerated. Somewhat scientifically speaking, a fear is something that digs deep inside of our nerous system's emotional associations. To "get over" a fear is a process that conditions your neural patterns in a different way and away from those intense emotional connections.

Often times, it takes a bunch of sequential, spaced-out events to cause that "click" moment when you are "over your fear".

So really we are talking about that click moment and what clicked for me. Because it makes for a good story, and good stories help me click away from my fears.

What do I mean by traveling

I mean going to a place you've never been, and not knowing anybody there. And to top it off, most people there being of a different culture and speaking a different language (at least fluently) than you do.

I don't mean going to a place you know, meeting people you know, and where everyone speaks your language natively. To me, traveling in most places of the US, UK or Romania is not nearly as frightening as going to a country I know little about, with nobody I previously met already there waiting for me.

My specific fear

So this is my specific fear. To travel somewhere where:

I've never been
I don't know anybody that I previously met
the culture is different from what I'm used to
Most people don't speak any of the languages I speak fluently

For some reason, as soon as I go meet someone I've already met, 99% of my fear subsides. Really, as soon as you take away any one of the above four, my fear drastically drops.

Their response

Before that, I asked them how long they'd been traveling. I thought they came together, but they were actually each traveling separately for the six months prior. They went off to Asia for about 3 months, and Europe for another 6. They saw at least 15 countries in that time and were pretty much always on the road, on a decent budget ($30-50/day) and one of them was even working part of the time, doing some remote writing.

So now that you know who they are, here's what they said:

You are never really alone while traveling.

You can always meet up with other travelers and join paths
There will be times when you make friends with cool people and want to change your plans
There will be times when you can go off on your own for a few days because you want to do something a specific way

And they could not have been more on point. I was never alone in Cluj. I was not alone on the way there, either (I got to meet wonderful people). And I was not alone on the way back.

In fact, I see the same attitude in my work as well: I am often afraid of running out of work, but it never actually happens. I can always find more work to do when I really put effort into it.

The bottom line

I think it does help somewhat to be easy going (these two certainly were). After all, they had met just a week earlier in Brasov, and were about to part ways a day later. But their plans worked out for that week. And they mentioned having had friends meet them for part of the journey, just as you would be living in one place: sometimes you see friends, sometimes you don't.

Yet at the end of the day, the best thing I can do is to be able to accept that fear and look at loneliness as a natural part of life.

Because it is. Because one can be lonely even when surrounded by the dearest people of all. And one can feel embraced by the world even with no person around to be seen.

To know and trust deep within you that you are worthy of companion.

Because you are. You don't need proof of that. It cannot be proven.

Time to travel!

So embrace life. Embrace this moment. Embrace your travels, and you will find companionship. It's a wonderful world and it's full of people that are waiting to meet you.

Today I am writing this on my way to Istanbul. This is the second trip this year that I've done meeting those fearful criteria. I didn't know anyone here, and I already feel like I have a friend and am about to meet more people throughout the week.

The new potential friend is my host! He has tons of business ideas, and runs the apartment building I live in along with several other things... and also has a textile business, and is just generally really cool :)

Thanks!

Thank you Vio, Rebecca and Jesse for the mindset shift!

How a bus trip from Bucharest to Cluj changed my life

2015-10-20T00:45:00-06:00

Sometimes, unfortunate things lead to brilliant ideas. And alter decisions in unpredictable ways. As I am writing this, we are on the second bus--the first one broke down in a horrible way. But I realize the value of this trip. And it will stay with me forever.

In 2015, I returned to Bucharest with high hopes. One of my biggest hopes was to experience more of Romania. You see, I left at the age of eighteen and barely got to see much outside my hometown.

So a couple days ago I booked a bus ride to Cluj. Why Cluj? Well, I know someone there. And I've been wanting to see Cluj. To meet people. It felt right.

Little did I know that this trip was going to change my life. And as I'm sitting on a bus, writing this, I haven't even gotten to Cluj yet!

The backstory

What was supposed to be a 9 hour bus ride turned into a 14+ hour adventure. With lots of twists and turns. First, there was a bad accident on the road to Cluj and we were struck in traffic for an hour and a half. Traffic one way was completely stopped. That was the first opportunity. Wait, what? Paul--did you just say opportunity?

You see, I am a very positive-driven person. I even have a weekly reminder in my phone: "Turn any difficulties I have now into opportunities for growth". Mindset is possibly the biggest factor in our behavior.

Alright alright, so what was the opportunity?

In short: to meet someone.

I happened to meet a woman, let's call her Brandy, who is also self employed. Also unemployable. And we chatted for a while. About lots of little things--but what stuck with me were these two:

Working for someone else always means dealing with politics from above, "providing support" and ultimately living someone else's values.
Remember to enjoy the point you're at right now for the good it offers, even if you want to change the path you're on.

So how does that immediately change my life?

It does. Trust me. But wait. The story's not over yet.

The wheels on the bus

After we finally get past the traffic accident, not half an hour later, our bus completely breaks down. In fact, it breaks down in such a terrible way, that we are stuck on the right lane, right after a tight turn, on the highway. The bus cannot move at all and various parts of it have already fallen through under the engine and been left behind. I've never seen such a breakdown in my life. Luckily, the breakdown happened within 12km (8mi) of Sibiu, a major city.

Now imagine a 40-person bus, half-full, at night, parked in the middle of the highway. This was the most dangerous, but BEST part, considering what happened next.

The next opportunity

Given the dire situation, you would think the company would somehow get everyone a ride from Sibiu to continue to our destination.

Unfortunately, this is not how things work around here, and sometimes when unfortunate things happen, they keep spiraling down. So the company decided to send a bus our way from our final destination, Cluj. That was about 4 hours away.

This was an opportunity to meet three other people, be spontaneous, earn some self respect, and understand how much I've changed. It's amazing how much a single trip can shape a whole day, and then possibly my whole life from now on.

All the resolutions I've been waiting for

Sometimes I think the process of becoming an adult is about continuously proving to yourself that you can do things on your own. I decided staying on the bus to wait for the next one was unreasonable. After all, we were 15 minutes away from a major city. I had visited it once before in high school and I loved it. I knew there was more to see. I was supposed to meet a friend in Cluj, but why not stay one night in Sibiu?

So I start searching on the internet for taxi phone numbers, and hostels I could stay at. I call a hostel to make sure they still have room. They do! And it's very affordable. Perfect!

As I prep to call a taxi, I remember and email Brandy first. I wait a while, thinking if she doesn't get back to me soon, I'll call a taxi.

But guess what? I notice a couple people step out and carry their backpacks. As if ready to leave. So I ask them, and they're getting a ride. One of the guys lives in Sibiu. I ask if they can give me a ride--and after some hesitation, they do. Bingo!

So now we're five people in a car. They all know each other and I'm the only stranger. I didn't even know the names of these people. And we're headed to Sibiu at close to midnight. Clearly, it was just an everyday experience :)

At least I have a place to stay. The plan is to drop me off.

Wait, it's not over yet

At this point you're probably thinking how the heck did I not sleep in Sibiu???

I asked the guys sitting in the back with me what their plan was. And they said they're going to hitch a ride. And what do I do? I decide to join them.

Then I learn they were coming from Bucharest where they just got their visa to move to Florida. To work in a restaurant. All of them!

I thought of how different we all were and yet how similar.

After creating my own path, I pay special attention to those who also choose to do so. I thought of how positive and undeterred one of them was. He was the one who decided to hitchike and convinced the rest. And I realized how much him and I have in common, yet we arrived at that point, next to each other in the back of a car, in the most unlikely manner you can possibly conceieve.

At this point I'm thinking I'd love to hitchike and continue the adventure. And if it doesn't work out, I'll stay in Sibiu.

So we try to hitchhike. I put a smile on my face and signal every single car. And we find one man who's willing to take us partway, but sorta to the middle of nowhere. I say nay. We all agree to pass.

Then one of them calls a friend on the bus (they had another friend on the bus! WHAT?) and we learn the next bus is gonna be there in 20 minutes. Quick! Let's get a cab back to the place we left!

After a bunch more things happen

Skipping to the end, here are my lessons from this series of events:

I LOVE being self employed. I actually got to work on the bus.
My next career goal is to build an online business that makes money. While remaining self employed. Nothing can get in the way of that.
My next personal goal is to enjoy the lifestyle I am building at every step. Which means to maintain my freedom. To keep my client relationships. And to take more time off. Because I can afford to. Because it gives me perspective. Because I have faith that, soon, I will infinitely reward the rest of the world for its kindness.
To make my own decisions and accept the tradeoffs. Traveling alone at times? OK. Jumping in a car with strangers? Fantastic. Getting career advice in the most unlikely ways possible? Please.

But most of all, to live courageously and look for opportunities in everything.

And there is so much more

So many other things happened before and during this trip. So much to learn from. I am still somewhat in disbelief. And it's not over yet!

I have a dream

And that dream is to live every moment of my life with confidence.

I'm exhausted, and extremely happy. I love this world I live in.

Doing our little part

2015-06-30T17:10:00-06:00

As we age, we develop beliefs. Our brains attempt to create models that predict how the world works.

In their attempts to create certainty out of an ever-changing world (you already notice a problem there), our brains also learn that certain things don't seem to matter when, in fact, they might. Enter learned helplessness.

I recognize how guilty I am of it because of how many good things I have, at times, seen as pointless.

For example recycling.

Or saving just a little bit more water when I take a shower.

Or stopping to listen to some stranger on the street who creeps me out.

Or donating just a little bit to some cause.

I used to think more in the frame of go big or go home.

But you know what? Every little bit helps. In a lot of ways, it's like preventative medicine. Or earthquakes. Or anything chaotically unpredictable: a little contribution seems to make almost no difference. Until you happen to live years longer. Or have healthy teeth in your old age. Or have the earth shake and create a tsunami. Or like that guy in Jurassic Park talks about life and chaos theory.

What's your takeaway? I hope that it's to cheer up and believe. Believe that every little thing helps, even if it doesn't seem that way. And try to prepare yourself with strong emotional associations for times when you lose sight of that connection. You could also think of it as compounded growth :)

Note: this post was inspired by Awaken the Giant Within and the idea that disempowering beliefs truly take us for a downward spiral. Just as sure as empowering ones take us upward.

The mixology of dating: business and pleasure

2015-04-23T22:56:00-06:00

We all know the line between business an pleasure can be hard to draw. But what if your company is all about online dating?

Well, every now and then I find myself thinking back to the days of SoWink. As with all thoughts, the link starts in the present: I am still deeply passionate about relationships.

How do relationships develop?
What makes people connect?
What describes a sustainable relationship?
How do you know if someone is right for you?
In an era when marriage's success is highly questionable, should you still get married?
How should you raise your children? What kind of environment may be best for them?
How many relationships should you have?

Of course, none of those questions have black or white answers.

So I keep thinking. How many people's lives would be so much better if they had more fun, sustainable, in developing relationships and connecting.

Often times, to me, it feels as though that's all that life is about. Learning, growing, and feeling. All so that you can touch people's lives somehow.

Another goal for the year

2015-02-08T23:12:00-07:00

I want to work on my ability to conjure and hold happiness. To find strength within myself without appealing to the sense of self or ego. Using meditation, but also training my brain in other ways.

The result: feel empowered, more balanced and less discouraged.

Here's a quote from Tony Robbins' book that expresses the opposite:

What these people demonstrated is something all too familiar to so many people: 1) They didn't know what they really wanted out of life, so they distracted themselves with a variety of artificial mood alterants. 2) They developed not just neurological pathways but expressways to pain. And their habits were driving them down these highways on a regular basis.

Despite achieving the levels of success they'd once only dreamed of, and despite being surrounded by the love and admiration of millions of fans, they had far more references for pain. They became quite adept at generating it quickly and easily because they'd made virtual trunk lines to it. 3) They didn't know how to make themselves feel good. They had to turn to some outside force to help them deal with the present. 4) They never learned the nuts and bolts of how to consciously direct the focus of their own minds. They allowed the pain and pleasure of their environments to control them rather than taking control themselves.

And finally:

Anyone can continue to feel good if they already feel good, or if they're "on a roll"; it doesn't take much to accomplish this. But the real key in life is to be able to make yourself feel good when you don't feel good, or when you don't even want to feel good.

Belated Birthday Resolutions

2014-12-31T12:31:00-07:00

Another year of growth! I've gone to lengths, places and areas I didn't think I would in 2014. I'm extremely grateful for the achievements and not surprised at most goals where I fell short.

Table of contents:

Why?
Thanks, previous year!
What now?
Onward, I say!

Why?

I develop a longer-term perspective by looking back and forward 12 months each year.

This is my fourth year doing this, and I really enjoy it.

Thanks, previous year!

Here's what goals I focused on achieving for 2014:

Explore connections with people
Strengthen my sense of self
Produce more and consume less
Develop several exercise routines

1. Explore connections with people

Grade: A

Funny thing is, shortly after writing last year's, I met someone on public transit who turned out to be a new kind of connection I'd never had before. 2014 hadn't even started!

I learned and experienced more than I thought possible already, and I cannot wait to continue. To list just a few broad notions:

a deeper understanding of love: placing someone's interests before my own, making them a priority in my life.
becoming a better listener (especially after reading Just Listen).
understanding more about being in love (also known as limerence): passion and enthusiasm, to a slight point of obsession; often fades after a while.
sexual tension: can be mediated from fading. :)
clearer communication: especially around expectations and needs. We make so many assumptions. This year I understood more about just how important it is.
getting in touch with my desires: emotionally, intellectually, and sexually.
opening up and pushing the limits of my comfort zone, in terms of jealousy, security, and more.
understanding the fad of vulnerability for its own sake.
be more grateful, mindful, positive and appreciative of the little things.

This would have been an A+ except the more I dug the more I found opportunities to grow. I came particulary short on:

trying many things out of my comfort zone: I only tried a few.
giving only for the sake of giving: I want to give much more.

2. Strengthen my sense of self

Grade: B

The funny thing about "self" is that it's a temporary, fleeting concept. Just like all of our experiences. I've yet to fully immerse myself into that idea, but I have made progress.

My sense of self has become stronger in that:

I started meditation, now do it daily. This increased my awareness of emotions and intentions.
I postponed decisions less, although I still do it.
I keep a growth mindset in even more situations than before.
My sense of ego gets in the way much less.
I stepped up my job responsibilities and communication toward leadership and product management.
I am trusting myself more and more, which leads to a higher sense of security and more courage than ever before, for example:
- doing tricks when kiteboarding
- going my own way when I know what I want to do
- living on an island by myself
- kiting in the waves, alone
Worry much less. I cannot emphasize how much this has improved my life and sense of self. I'm also much more present this way. Most of the worry faded as soon as I listened to my gut, especially around leaving my job.
Made plenty of scary decisions:
- leaving my job
- starting my own business
- kiting in storm winds
- faced new challenges in relationships
Practiced gratefulness (although I could do more).

I've yet to:

Make harder decisions sooner. For example, when I get a traffic citation, I avoid dealing with it.
Related to above, speak my mind on most important matters right away (I did eventually, but in some cases waited months -- especially professionally)
Deal more actively with jealousy, insecurity.
Take steps back to think things through and really see the situation for what it is (in particular, time commitments). Remember: it's OK to introspect more for now. I will get better at it with practice.
Take more personal time.

I could also do more of:

Be honest with myself (especially when I'm wrong).
Listen to my gut sooner. Helps to move on and dwell less.

3. Produce more and consume less

Grade: B

I knew this was difficult.

I produced a lot of courage and determination.
With that and passion, I developed my personal relationships more.
I kited more adventurously.
I stepped out of the norm career-wise.
I overall strengthened my sense of self.
I did things that others disagreed with, including in relationships, career and hobbies.
I barely spent any time on Facebook or reading random things. In fact, I unsubscribed from most things.

So, in that sense, I produced plenty!

However, I did not produce nearly as much value as I believe I have the potential to produce. What I could do more of:

Set aside time. I didn't take periodic time to produce, so this year my calendar has a slot set aside for producing.
Consume even less. Disconnect and reduce the noise. E.g. everything on social networks feels important, but is it really? E.g. I fear being disconnected means losing touch with career trends, but what if I proactively search for those myself?
Create something of value with my tech skills.

4. Develop several exercise routines

Grade: A

I'm the fittest I've ever been! This is fantastic!

I tried intermittent fasting to strengthen my body and maybe extend life.
I continued rock climbing and yoga, although less (until August).
I kited a lot (weekly to several times a week, for half of the year).
Biked and increased confidence there.
Snowboarded, decent snow in Tahoe already!
Did a few sessions of yoga at home.
7m workout, 8m abs, stretching (though not enough)

Dancing. I barely danced this year, only went a handful of times.
Yoga at home.
Stretching.
Organize or join some biking trips.
Gain muscle, focus on my chest and arms.

Overall I'm really happy with the progress of how I look and feel. My muscles are tighter than I'd like though so more yoga plus stretching for 2015!

What now?

Amazingness! I'm really excited for 2015! Similar to 2014, I will explore and learn about things I can't even conceive of right now. As a general observation, it was really interesting to learn that we project the same self in our future, but looking back are keenly aware of how different we become. So why should I expect to be "more of the same" by this time next year, when looking back a year I see myself as different?

Travel, travel, travel

I am finally at a place where I can raise how I travel to a whole new level. Both because I am independent in my career and because I gained more confidence in myself and as a traveler.

Travel to 2 new countries minimum. Ideally, these won't be "mainstream" western countries.
Travel solo to at least one destination for at least one week (dominant language must be one I am not fluent in).
Immerse myself in a culture and learn to speak that language at least at a beginner level (I'm looking at you, Spanish).
Visit Romania. It's been a while since I went back. And visit Greece or Turkey while I'm at it!
Work and travel for at least a week.

With these concrete goals I'm looking to expose myself to more cultural diversity and grow my philosophy on life. And of course, to adventure!

Ultimate goal: Become a confident independent world-traveler and work-traveler.

Grow my own business

I'm incredibly happy and grateful to become independent! I currently earn enough to sustain myself without having to sacrifice my hobbies too much. Of course, I have been more frugal since I left my full time job. It's absolutely worth it! And I'm setting this goal to work towards further independence and develop both:

a focus on particular kinds of great work I do and
a reputation, a network aware of my abilities and demanding me.

With that said, here's what the concrete sub-goals look like:

Earn enough to be extra comfortable. I have a personal definition of this.
Look into the legal and tax implications (e.g. LLC, retirement funds).
Create an emergency fund with at least 3 months of runway.
Save at least 8 months of runway overall.
Consider working with legal and tax specialists (lawyer, CPA).
Develop client base and bill at least 900 hours.
Learn what I enjoy to offer through my business and focus on that.
Get involved with mentors or groups that share my goals or values.
Invest in growing my own technical skills (native mobile, nodejs, angular, etc).
Create something of public value: an app, a website, a service, software tools, a blog.
Make a dream come true: work and travel (combine with above goal), a big reason I decided to be independent.

Ultimate goal: Become a confident independent business owner and feel empowered financially. Develop brand value around the quality of service I offer.

Become more physically fit

So I am the fittest I've ever been. Still, I want to keep going. I spend more time sitting around than I would like and I don't feel as strong or flexible as I'd like.

Invest in a standing desk.
Gain 5lbs (maaaaaaybe 10lbs) of muscle, focus on my chest and arms. I'll need to exercise these areas for muscle building.
Lose another 2-5lbs of fat and show some abs.
Continue kiting and rock climbing (1-3 times a week combined).
Continue regular exercise (3+ times a week: abs, general workout)
Yoga at home at least 1hr/week.
Stretching: research good routine. Include neck, shoulders, hamstrings, glutes.
Organize or join a few biking trips.
Dancing once every other month. I barely danced in 2014.
Watch my diet and keep to the general guidelines I am following today (low sugar, low processed foods, lots of vegetables and fiber, low meat).

Ultimate goal: Feel and look more fit and relaxed (aka less muscle tension, better posture). The better I feel in my body the more energy I have.

Improve emotional balance

I tend to dwell too much. I can also become withdrawn or uncommunicative if I push myself too far (say, by not taking enough personal time). I also experience emotions going up and down more than I would like. Sure, when it's on the uphill, it feels great--but wouldn't it be better to keep an overall higher level?

I experience much of the above because I'm not taking enough time for myself. To introspect, gather my thoughts, understand and be aware.

Meditate twice daily, 30 minutes minimum total. Ideally even 40. I'm not there yet, but I can get there by 2016 with commitment.
Let bygones be bygones. Write down the lesson to be learned from a mistake or loss, then look to the present and forward.
In the same vein, when something lands on my plate, immediately do one of the following:
- Is it something I dread? If yes, then do it ASAP.
- If it can wait without worry, file it with a specific reminder and notes/thoughts about urgency and importance.
- If it cannot wait or is small enough to do in a heartbeat, do it.
Embrace urgency
- Take the most steps back when I feel most sense of urgency and stress.
- On days when I feel more pressure, meditate more.
Respect my own boundaries.
- Take personal time unashamedly when I feel like I need it.
- Speak up more when I don't really want to do something that someone else wants. Understand and explain why and arrive to a better consensus.
- Think before I commit to spending time with someone, because I want to commit fully.
Get more organized.
- Stop using "unread" as a reminder. Categorize the types of emails that stay unread and figure out ways to file them away.
- Figure out a way to get back to people promptly when needed, and use reminders when not needed.
- Each week, look back at what I have accomplished and what is most important that is left to do. Ideally, do the same each day.
- Plan a realistic schedule for staying on top of things. Include working and traveling.

By the end of 2015, I want to do what I need to feel balanced and organized, emotionally and mentally. It's OK to have ups and downs, I just want them to be less frequent and to be more prepared and aware when they do happen.

Ultimate goal: Establish solid ground emotionally and mentally. This will help me handle uncertainties, both those I seek out and those that come at me.

This doesn't feel as much of a stretch as it did last year. Is something missing? Am I getting more realistic? More confident?

Onward, I say!

I don't have relationships explicitly on my list for this year. They're a subgoal under emotional balance.

Ironically, career was not explictly on my list last year yet I ended up radically changing it by leaving my job and becoming independent.

I extend much of my gratitude this year to:

being physically and emotionally healthy!
my family, for supporting me in my career decisions, financially, as well as with relationships and travel.
my friends and intimate relationships, for endless listening, advice, and teaching me to think in different ways.
the many people who have helped me advance my career or my personal adventures.

As usual, around next new year, I will report back.

On the market

2014-10-14T14:40:00-06:00

Hey there! I'm looking for challenging, honest and interesting work with flexible hours, remote or part time preferred.

In fact, I put together a specific consulting domain for those interested in hiring me.

Thank you for your interest!

Belated birthday resolutions

2013-12-31T16:49:00-07:00

So much has happened this year! I'm excited to see what I'll do for 2014! I might say "what 2014 would bring", but I won't just passively wait, I'll seek it out instead!

Table of contents:

Why?
Thanks, previous year!
What now?
Onward, I say!

Why?

Day to day, I direct most of my attention to the present or near future. By reflecting on the past, and setting year-long goals, I can get a bigger picture of my direction in life.

This is my third year doing this, and I really enjoy it.

Thanks, previous year!

Here's what goals I focused on achieving for 2013:

Regular body strengthening and stretching
Travel and unwind
Avoid processed foods
Write and read more
Take point/responsibility and lead something

1. Regular body strengthening and stretching

Grade: B

In 2013, exercising has become a lifestyle. I now feel like I'm missing something on days I don't exercise. I had set out to do regular stretching, yoga, and muscle strengthening, along with chiropractor visits.

Stretching is still not my strong suit, but I've been doing it. I stretch for a few minutes a day, 2-4 times a week, usually using a roller. I do yoga about twice a month. I've been working my legs, shoulders and biceps a lot due to climbing, yoga and board sports.

Kiteboarding has been great for abs and back (core, really), but I could definitely use some focus on these and other areas. As a bonus, without a plan, I've gotten into more serious biking, including biking up to Twin Peaks, over other serious hills in San Francisco and a couple longer trips. I also usually bike to work every day and have been exploring harder routes coming home.

By far yoga helps the most with muscle imbalance, along with kiteboarding. Rock climbing helps with biceps and shoulders, and stretching/flexibility. Toning up has been working rather well, although it's at a very slow pace since I haven't focused on explicitly looking tone, rather more on feeling like I can do all of the things I want to do.

As for chiropractor visits, interestingly enough my chiropractor has suggested I strengthen my body so as not to need his services, and that's what I've been doing :)

For 2014, I'm evolving this goal a bit.

2. Travel and unwind

Grade: A

If in 2012 I barely traveled, yet in 2013 I traveled more than ever before.

The Big Island of Hawaii, with amazing experiences that have humbled me (read: volcano, manta rays).
I took my girl to Romania (Bucharest and Constanta), and we also visited 5 other locations: New York, Venice, Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, including a former Jewish camp on the way to Amsterdam.
Boston, where I lead my first outdoor climbing routes, hiked, ate amazing vegan food and caught up with my awesome brother.
The Philippines, where I spent most of the time kiteboarding and a bit less hiking through unfamiliar territory.

In the second half of the year I spent much more time reflecting than in the first. I daresay the first half of the year was at most 1 hour a week of reflecting, whereas the second was more like 2-4 hours a week. It would have been better to do a bit more of that in the first half, but all in all I'm happy with the perspective I've gained this year.

I've been thinking about the future (next 2-5 years) orders of magnitude more than I hoped and expected. So much so that I experienced a time of stress realizing I don't really know how to make the most of the paths I'm currently on. I'm extremely excited (almost an understatement!) about this year for many reasons: my career could take some interesting turns, my hobbies are becoming more advanced and specialized, and my personal development is accelerating.

I'm so happy with this year for all the travel and growth! I actually set out to understand the limitations of time, and I believe I'm finally getting there. I've taken on so many things that I have a much better sense of how much I can make a habit versus what's an occasional hobby.

3. Avoid processed foods

Grade: A-

As August came around, I switched from nearly-Paleo to nearly-vegan, which was, surprisingly, not a big change in my cooking habits. It was a BIG change in eating out habits, though.

Here's the extent to which I've been eating processed foods: bread, soy-based products (mostly tofu and tofu-like flavored stuff), chocolate (hey! I really like chocolate, okay?) and protein powder/protein bars. I'm least proud of taking protein powder, but as I'd been trying to gain muscle and eat less meat, I lost weight really fast (10lbs aka 4.5kg in less than a month). To counter that, I added fish to my diet, which helped reduce most soy/protein powder intake. The protein bars though I'm OK with since I've been hiking and exercising so much more and for such long periods of time that it became a convenient option. One of the most rewarding experiences has been to figure out vegan solutions (mostly legume-based), and to eat a lot of meals a day :)

I'm really proud of myself for successfully experimenting with diet so much this year. I'm still looking to improve my diet, and I think the natural next steps are: tastier cooking, less sugar, less bread. I've also experienced some digestive issues that I'll look into in 2014.

One final thing worth noting is how much more aware of my body I've become. I think along with processed foods and sugars, reducing red meats and dairy intake made a big difference also. Very excited about this!

4. Write and read more

Grade: C

Unfortunately, I didn't write much more in 2013 than I did in 2012. I did read more, though.

After April, I stopped writing altogether, largely due to personal and relationship commitments. I also had a drop-off in reading, but I did read 5 books and a bunch of articles/videos on personal development topics.

In 2014, I'll be focusing my personal development efforts on relationships, communication, patience and understanding. I also want to experiment more with gratitude and kindness and have some ideas there.

On a professional level, I've read about product management and that's going to increase for 2014. I would still like to learn more about investing and finance, but I'm not sure that it's high priority for me enough to really commit to for 2014.

I made efforts to contribute open-source, but then left Humble Bundle to work with Minerva. Coding-wise, I've continued to learn and become more well-rounded and independent. I'm very excited to continue this trend along with product management skills.

5. Take point/responsibility and lead something

Grade: B+

I've stepped up my game to lead and be a solo-engineer on projects, read about product management (though I'm at the beginnings), and I've also focused on more independent decisions in other areas of my life, which have given me more and more confidence to carve my own path. Biking and yoga are examples of passions I've explored purely by myself at first, and so was snowboarding in 2012.

Dancing has continued as well, although to a much lesser extent than I would like. Definitely want to invest more time dancing in 2014.

In relationships, I'm extremely excited to learn more about possible paths. If I'm right, 2014 is going to be a huge learning year for relationships, intimate as well as friendships.

What now?

This year had some interesting goals. I will keep working on them. Higher priorities, however, go to a few new ones for 2014.

Explore connections with people
Strengthen my sense of self
Produce more and consume less
Develop several exercise routines

Explore connections with people

This year I've been reliving my love of connection almost like my high school days. So much wonder and learning in meeting new people, making new friends, dating, reading about relationships, vulnerability, jealousy, etc.

Complementing my stronger sense of self, I'm excited to explore new ways to connect with people. An interesting way to look at that that I've recently learned about is 4D relationships. I'm especially interested in connecting for growth (spiritually, as Steve Pavlina defines it).

Here's the gist of what I aim to accomplish:

Understand what I have to offer
Explore my role in relationships
Understand my needs and the other person's needs better and better in a relationship, and how we can both best satisfy each others'
Develop deeper connections (through vulnerability, confidence, openness, conversation topics and communication)
Become a better listener, avoid being critical and judgmental
Give, give, give. Only for the sake of giving
Practice gratitude and appreciation
Try many things out of my comfort zone

Ultimate goal: Feel empowered in relationships, understand what kind of relationships work well for me, trust my gut when something ain't right (related to below goal), feel more grateful and appreciative.

Strengthen my sense of self

This one's related to everything. Knowing myself will help me construct healthier relationships. Knowing my intentions leads to producing more and consuming less.

The key areas I want to invest in this year are:

Self-confidence and self-honesty (aka security). Dare to make decisions, even if I'm wrong (helps with leadership, too), be honest with myself when I fuck something up.
Intention-awareness. I'm not as aware of my expectation and intentions as I would like to be. Sometimes I rationalize and tell myself I'm being reasonable when I'm not. I did that a lot more in the first half of the year, but it's still there.
Trust myself. If I'm going to become an agent of change and make powerful decisions, I need a lot of trust in my own reasoning. I may spend more time thinking things through, or, even better, spend a little less time as I get a lot better at making certain types of decisions.
Examine, examine, examine. Negative emotions like fear need to be taken out of the closet and stared right in the eye to deal with them properly. Do that.
Along with the above, practice weekly positive affirmations and "I'm grateful for..." as both a confidence boost and a reminder at what I accomplish.
Make some scary decisions

Ultimate goal: Security and confidence in my identity and my path. Even if I'm still figuring out what that path is.

Produce more and consume less

This one's the hardest. I failed fairly clearly at producing more in 2013, largely in the sense of writing. What worked well was making bolder decisions, and I will continue that. In order to succeed at this, though, I know I must make time for it.

Set aside one half-day (4-6 hours) every two weeks, strictly for producing something. Could be anything. During this time, practice focusing.
Make bold decisions.
Don't be afraid to create things that might be wrong or that people will disagree with.
Be open to learning and adapting when wrong.
Spend less than 10 minutes a day on Facebook, or reading random stuff
Scale back on incoming email, keep it to 15-30 minutes a day of reading news, etc.

Ultimate goal: Become a decision and thought leader. Create change in myself and my environment. Feel more empowered to one day create something of value that people will want.

Develop several exercise routines

I will continue: rock climbing, dancing, kiteboarding, snowboarding, biking and yoga.

This year I've been doing the 7-minute workout and really enjoying it. I'd like to add to that so I develop strength and balance in other ways.

Yoga once a week. Try yoga at home also to make it more convenient, and maybe increase to twice a week.
Stretching for at least 5 minutes every other day.
Abs workout. E.g. 8-min abs. 2-3 times a week.
Resistance training or other kind of triceps/pull-up style training at home, and focus on these at the gym, every other week.
Low-low-low sugar and simple carbs intake. I don't know what a realistic number of grams per day is here, and I'm sure I'll want some 20% cheating, but I know my body would appreciate this a lot.
Dance twice a month
Kiteboard 1 days (2-4hours each) a month minimum, on average. This might end up being 2 days a month on average during season, and zero-to-none outside of that. Snowboarding or snow-kiting replaces it then.
Rock climb 1-3 times a week.

This is all going to be very tricky. I'm glad I laid it out here so I can come back and see how doable it feels.

Onward, I say!

One thing that's not on my list of goals for this year is an explicitly career-oriented goal. That's fine, and it has a lot to do with how I'm happy with my career as it's currently proceeding. Worth noting also, I'm focusing on leadership and decision-making which will influence my career as well.

I want to take extra time (and words) to recognize and appreciate how blessed I am this year. My health and fitness level have never been better, my family's been supportive and understanding (even when I thought they wouldn't be), my relationships have grown and I've been appreciated so much that I feel motivated to give back in my own ways.

To everyone who contributed to my life in any meaningful way this year, thank you. I feel so grateful, it really has been a great year!

As usual, around next new year, I will report back.

Have we forgotten to be social?

2013-04-07T21:21:00-06:00

We measure and consume everything. We quantify and track. Numbers are key. That seems like a good thing. What could be wrong with it?

Before anything else, I should note that this post could probably be broken up into two or more, but every now and then I end up having to spit out these thoughts, rather than wait until I have perfect, coherent stories.

Think about the new trends on what we are influenced by: how many friends do we have on Facebook? How many people "Like" our photos. How many steps did we take today, how do we rank against our friends? What is worth reading? What is worth knowing about? What is worth investing time in? Crowdsourcing what is important, what "matters." What defines us is increasingly becoming a numbers game. We live curated lives, more and more. So much pressure. So much measure. What happened to the human factor: emotions?

As the world has become a better place and we have become less worried about survival, more and more people become future oriented. The Time Paradox is a great book about what future/present/past oriented look like. It turns out, future oriented people are all about numbers. Marissa Mayer talks about her typical day in terms of numbers: emails read, meetings done, etc.

You know what else is measured in numbers? Money. I've recently read a book about how irrational we become when money comes into play. In his book, Dan talks about how, when you ask a friend for help, and then pay them, you change their perception from a social norm to a market norm. They may even feel less good about helping you, and become more selfish next time. If, instead, you give them an appropriate gift for their effort ^[1], suddenly that encourages more support from them. Another example he gives is how, at a thanksgiving dinner prepared by your mother-in-law, instead of bringing a bottle of wine, you offer to pay her for her effort. Suddenly, you have turned all of her hard work from emotion into paid labor. That takes away all meaning. So, next time you are thinking about exchanging money, ask yourself, what is more important: money, or happiness?

An interesting problem we've had at my house recently that relates to this is friends visiting. When a friend stays over for a week or a month—do we charge them money? Might be an easy decision for a day. Or a week. But what about a month? Or six? Where do you draw the line? How do you decide what is fair? There is no perfect answer.

As a side-note, corporations are constantly appealing to our social norms, in an attempt to make us more generous. This is an interesting reason why for-profit companies may be better for society: they innovate faster. They are motivated by money to move forward. They exploit our addictions. They are not always responsible. A contrasting example is governments. Governments debate the best decisions, while corporations must move forward. Otherwise, they will run out of money, or be eliminated by the competition. The government has no competition, and, in some ways, has "unlimited" money. This is all exaggerated, but you get the idea.

One particularly interesting note is how this relates to education:

My feeling so far is that standardized testing and performance-based salaries are likely to push education from social norms to market norms. The United States already spends more money per student than any other Western society. Would it be wise to add more money? [...]

[...]

So how can we improve the educational system? We should probably first rethink school curricula, and link them in more obvious ways to social goals (elimination of poverty and crime, elevation of human rights, etc.), technological goals (boosting energy conservation, space exploration, nanotechology, etc.), and medical goals (cures for cancer, diabetes, obesity, etc.) that we care about as a society. This way the students, teachers, and parents might see the larger point in education and become more enthusiastic and motivated about it. We should also work hard on making education a goal in itself, and stop confusing the number of hours students spend in school with the quality of the education they get. Kids can get excited about many things (baseball, for example), and it is our challenge as a society to make them want to know as much about Nobel laureates as they now know about baseball players. I am not suggesting that igniting a social passion for education is simple; but if we succeed in doing so, the value could be immense.

So let's be nice. Let's stop caring about every number. Let's be social. And focus on what matters most: kindness, gratitude, time spent with others, or time spent doing what we love. Motivation received through dedication, warmth and communication, not through money. Being personal.

And here is food for thought, and something that struck me deeply once I realized it. Somewhere within me I believe that future oriented people are going to be more successful than I am. That, in some ways, enjoying the now is a weakness. But, at the same time I want to be more present. Again, The Time Paradox gives an example of a jazz musician that is completely absorbed in the present and is successful, but cannot manage his own time—luckily, he is talented enough to afford hiring others to do it for him. Now, coming back to my dilemma, is my worry justified? Does this present-future orientation have to be a conflict? Do I have to choose between being future-oriented or present-oriented?

The book answers that: no. There is a time to be future-oriented, and one to be present-oriented. They are separate. And it is OK to be both. I am still working on internalizing that :)

Interestingly enough, Zimbardo and Boyd conclude by saying that being positive about the past is the most important. Almost as if nothing bad could come from it. Could this go back to why we miss having traditions and time to think about the past, near and far? Why history can feel so rewarding to learn?

Interestingly enough, another book I am reading, Mindset, talks about how praising people for effort creates a growth mindset, whereas praising them for intelligence creates a fixed mindset. Aaron Swartz wrote more about this.

Be vulnerable so you can be happy

2013-03-01T00:05:00-07:00

Last month I wrote about time perspective, a great book on time and how our attitude towards it can impact our experience, decisions, and happiness.

I've been feeling more stressed out and concerned than I would like to. In a way, it seems part of becoming an adult: living by myself, getting a car, traveling for over a month a year, etc. all while trying to save as much money as possible to make a difference with someday. As this year goes on, I would love to shift my perspective a bit more towards the present. It's truly interesting to notice what I do and be so aware—sometimes, too aware. There is something intimidating about an unusually high amount of self-awareness. Now that is present oriented.

I think the most important thing that I could do—and you might consider as well—is to feel more. As Brené says in her talks, we should allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It breeds creativity, love, courage, and ultimately happiness. Mark Suster talks about the Haimish line and how important it is to let ourselves feel by connecting.

I can't stress enough how important it is to let oneself feel. I think back to my high school years. They were some of the happiest years of my life. Why? Because I was so present, I had so many close friends, and I felt safe and intellectually stimulated in a highly connected network. Never since has my life been that way. I often think back to that time and ask myself why it was so great back then and not since: is that me? Is that moving to a new country? Why is it that things have never been the same since?

The answer is going to sound obvious.

(Western) Adulthood.

I happened to move at the time when college starts, when people are busier, and we all become more and more burdened by the pragmatic aspects of life: career, what will I do? College, what should I study? Money? My individual personality? My values?

Globalization means immigration, of people and culture. And it's happening so fast, all over the world. Everything is faster. And in all that chaos, individuality has taken a new role.

I live in San Francisco, probably one of the friendliest cities in the US for almost all cultures. Still, dominated by American values. Western values. Not so openly vulnerable, and very proud. It's not a rare thing for me to bring up something shameful, wrong, or otherwise looked down upon, and be confronted with ignorance. And it's truly sad. What's even sadder is that I've picked up some of this attitude.

As Brené and Zimbardo both point out, we need to feel. And if we don't get that feeling from sharing in vulnerability and shame together, as friends, we will seek it out through violence or drugs. My Romanian friends visiting the US often say that, in Romania, they would never be afraid of someone shooting them. Here, they would. And, talking about San Francisco or Washington (D.C.), I'm paraphrasing, "there are crazy people everywhere. But the ones here are really scary."

So let yourself be vulnerable. Let yourself feel. I really hope there is a change coming in the West. To a happier, more peaceful world. The optimist in me thinks we can do it.

We can create a better world.

To create is to make something that has never existed before. There is nothing more vulnerable than that.

—Brené Brown

Time to look ahead paradoxically

2013-02-28T21:54:00-07:00

Barely on time for my monthly book promise, here's February's entry.

Last month I wrote about Finding flow, a great book on the quality of life correlated to being present and challenged to do something one is skilled at.

On a sort of related note, this month I've been reading The Time Paradox, by Philip Zimbardo & John Boyd. Fragment:

Future orientation was generally related to higher levels of adaptive outcomes, such as perceived control, positive well-being, and adaptive coping dimensions, particularly behavioral coping. In contrast, present orientation was related to recent negative events, lack of perceived control, and maladaptive coping dimensions including anger, withdrawal, and helplessness.

This book talks about the different attitudes people have towards time, with at least two large categories for each tense: past, present, future.

I took the two tests for predicting transcendence (TFTP), and for predicting one's time perspectives (ZTPI). Compared to their ideal numbers, I scored way high on future and a bit low on present. Also, I scored almost 0 (aka way too low) on the Transcendental Future survey. What does this say about me?

Well, in many ways, nothing I didn't know before. I am a bit too future-oriented for my own good (I could be happier in the present if I focused more of my attention towards it). However I am healthily positive about my past and not really negative. This, along with a pair of TED talks I watched recently on vulnerability and shame, have helped me surface some of my recent struggles.

For the transcendental future, I am a bit too skeptical to believe in anything, so no transcending for me :)

At some point, the book asks for three highly negative experiences I had as a child. In thinking about what to write down, I realized there was quite the correlation between those and how I feel right now about certain things. For example, when I was 4 or so, I had a terrible fall and destroyed most of my teeth. I had to deal with the pain for years, as I lost many of them and they wouldn't grow back until I turned 6. To this day I almost prefer emotional pain to physical pain because of it. There is much to be said about how much childhood shapes oneself, and how much learning one can always do by looking at the past.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand how their outlook on past, present and future affects their life, and how they can take control of it and try to improve their life experience. There is a lot of common sense about the whole book, but there are certain parts that are truly worth thinking about in the larger sense of things.

For example, how much should you care about the present? Ever wonder why you are more aggressive or withdrawn than you wish you were? How does your past affect how you feel about everyday decisions? How much overly so, or overly little do you carry with you, focus on now, or plan ahead?

I for one will continue thinking about how to enjoy my life more, be more present, relax about the future, and how time really affects my day to day life and long-term decisions. There is much insight to be had, and much awareness about my behavior and expectations.

To quickly end with a note on time and perspective, inspired by an answer I read on Quora^{[link needed]}, I recently received a gift book made by someone very dear to me, in which each page is divided into boxes. Each box represents a month of my life. For a page with 60 boxes, you would only need 18 pages for a life of 90 years, birth to death. Think about it.

Aggressive selfishness is not the only path to success

2013-01-29T00:15:00-07:00

On track with my goals to read more this year, I've finished the book Finding flow, and would like to share a few more thoughts on here.

The gist

To control attention means to control experience, and therefore the quality of life.

The great summary is this: direct attention towards the present, choose to do what you are doing, and choose to enjoy it. Excitement and enthusiasm come with the investment of attention.

Pay attention and you will be surprised

Why do some people experience flow much more than others?

Some will find such an attitude irresponsible: how can someone afford the self-indulgence of doing only what he likes to do? But the point is that Pauling—and the many others who share his attitude—like to do almost everything, no matter how difficult or trivial, including the things they are forced to do. The only thing they definitely don't like is wasting time. So it is not that their life is objectively better than yours or mine, but that their enthusiasm for it is such that most of what they do ends up providing them with flow experiences.

It all has to do with focusing our attention. With a certain kind of control (a sort of trapped form, as we'll see later). It turns out that purely paying more attention increases our enjoyment:

There are literally millions of potentially interesting things in the world to see, to do, to learn about. But they don't become actually interesting until we devote attention to them.

Many people will say that this advice is useless to them, because they already have so many demands on their time that they absolutely cannot afford to do anything new or interesting. Time stress has become one of the most popular complaints of the day. But more often than not, it is an excuse for not taking control of our lives. How many of the things that we do are really necessary? How many of the demands could be reduced if we put some energy into prioritizing, organizing, and streamlining the routines that now fritter away our attention? It is true that if we let time run through our fingers we will soon have none left. One must learn to husband it carefully, not so much in order to achieve wealth and security in some distant future, but in order to enjoy life in the here and now.

Appreciation leads to a better career

If you think leading a successful life follows a selfish path, keep on reading. These thoughts have caused me to reconsider my approach to job satisfaction and success. Not to sound naive, but is it possible that making an effort to actively reduce stress and increase appreciation at work will automatically result in a better career? In addition to being intrinsically rewarding, of course.

For instance, when there is reason to think that we are appreciated, job satisfaction is usually high; whereas the greatest source of stress in the workplace is the feeling that no one is interested in supporting our goals. [...] The roots of interpersonal conflict are often an excessive concern for oneself, and an inability to pay attention to the needs of others. It is sad to see how often people ruin a relationship because they refuse to recognize that they could serve their own interests best by helping others achieve theirs.

There are certainly the stereotypes. Perhaps the financial sector, the kill-or-be-killed, bring-the-biggest-clients-in ruthless competition of meritocracy. What about those as a path to success? Well, that is but one kind of success—and what good is success if you cannot enjoy it?

In American corporate culture, the hero is a ruthless, competitive person with a huge ego. Unfortunately some top entrepreneurs and CEOs do conform to that image. Yet it is also reassuring that aggressive selfishness is not the only path to success. In fact in most stable and well-run companies, leaders try to promote subordinates who don't invest all of their psychic energy in self-advancement, but use some of it to advance corporate goals. They know that if top management is filled with greedy egotists the company will eventually suffer for it.

Fascinating, being overly-driven can be bad for you. I don't often think about this, but it is as obvious as it is counterintuitive:

Only if attention is to a certain extent free of personal goals and ambitions do we have a chance of apprehending reality in its own terms.

One cannot enjoy things when selfishness and ulterior motives are constantly involved. When attention is focused on those, the process itself is much less of a reward:

Yet without disinterested interest life is uninteresting.

What is control? Do we control our lives?

In a strong sense, we control our lives to the extent to which we control our attention.

Normally, attention is directed by genetic instructions, social conventions, and habits we learned as children. Therefore it is not we who decide what to become aware of, what information will reach consciousness. As a result, our lives are not ours in any meaningful sense; most of what we experience will have been programmed for us. We learn what is supposed to be worth seeing, what is not; what to remember and what to forget; what to feel when we see a bat, a flag, or a person who worships God by different rites; we learn what is supposed to be worth living and dying for. Through the years, our experience will follow the script written by biology and culture. The only way to take ownership of life is by learning to direct psychic energy in line with our own intentions.

If so much of our attention is pre-determined, why go against it? In another way, if what we are doing right now is going to happen anyway, why not direct our full attention to enjoy it?

How to lead a good life?

The book discusses good, evil, and ways to look at our life that improve our experience of it. I'm paraphrasing when I say, what we can control the most is our attitude towards what is currently happening.

Be present. Even for just 10 minutes a day.

Fight towards good

For even when it goes badly... you still win.

Then it is possible to find joy even when fighting a losing battle in a good cause.

Direct your attention towards a good cause. You will not regret it. You know those people that wake up excited in the morning? That feel like what they are doing is contributing towards a better world? Who would rather be nowhere else? That could be you.

Stop and reflect when things are going well

Seriously. Often, when we are doing well, we want to keep going and forget to recognize our achievements.

Most people only think about themselves when things are not going well, and thereby they enter a vicious circle in which present anxiety colors the past, and then the painful memories make the present even more bleak. One way to break out of this circle is to develop the habit of reflecting on one's life when there is reason to feel good about it, when one is in an upbeat mood. But it is even better to invest psychic energy in goals and relationships that bring harmony to the self indirectly. After experiencing flow in a complex interaction, the feedback is concrete and objective, and we feel better about ourselves without having had to try.

In order to experience flow, it helps to have clear goals—not because it is achieving the goals that is necessarily important, but because without a goal it is difficult to concentrate and avoid distractions. Thus a mountain climber sets as a goal to reach the summit not because she has some deep desire to reach it, but because the goal makes the experience of climbing possible. If it were not for the summit, the climb would become pointless ambling that leaves one restless and apathetic.

What is good and evil?

Evil is doing nothing (as the famous quote says, "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing"). Good takes effort. Making a real dent in inertia takes extra effort.

Entropy or evil is default state, the condition to which systems return unless work is done to prevent it.

What prevents it is what we call "good"—actions that preserve order while preventing rigidity, that are misinformed by the needs of the most evolved systems. Acts that take into account the future, the common good, the emotional well-being of others. Good is the creative overcoming of inertia, the energy that leads to the evolution of human consciousness. To act in terms of new principles of organization is always more difficult, and requires more effort and energy. The ability to do so is what has been known as virtue.

Conclusion

This book has reinforced my continued efforts to grow, but it has done so in ways that reach much more beyond myself.

I now pay more attention to the present, show appreciation for it, involve my peers, and really notice how interesting life is. Another reminder on why it is good to keep your inner child alive—curiosity makes everything more interesting. Of course, as inertia goes, these are incremental improvements that end up making a tremendous difference in the long run.

I am almost addicted to flow, constantly searching for ways to get even more involved (which explains my increased attraction to taking risks).

Finding flow in America: work, play, and friendship

2013-01-20T05:49:00-07:00

Unless otherwise stated, all quotes are from "Finding flow", by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

I love January. I am grateful to start off the year right, and grateful for what I have achieved in 2012. On a more serious note in light of recent events, while much saddened by Aaron Swartz's death, I am hopeful that things will move forward.

I'm currently reading Finding flow, and felt inspired to share a few thoughts. Touching upon happiness, living in the US of A, and what it means to be "in the zone", let me start off with a piece from Mihaly's brief and brilliant explanation of flow VS happiness:

It is the full involvement of flow, rather than happiness, that makes for excellence in life. When we are in flow, we are not happy, because to experience happiness we must focus on our inner states, and that would take away attention from the task at hand. If a rock climber takes time out to feel happy while negotiating a difficult move, he might fall to the bottom of the mountain. The surgeon can't afford to feel happy during a demanding operation, or a musician while playing a challenging score. Only after the task is completed do we have the leisure to look back on what has happened and then we are flooded with gratitude for the excellence of that experience—then, in retrospect, we are happy. But one can be happy without experiencing flow. We can be happy experiencing the passive pleasure of a rested body, a warm sunshine, the contentment of a serene relationship. These are also moments to treasure, but this kind of happiness is very vulnerable and dependent on favorable external circumstances. The happiness that follows flow is of our own making, and it leads to increasing complexity and growth in consciousness.

This has been a great way for me to understand the immense sense of reward and fulfillment I feel from the hobbies, risks and challenges I've taken in the past few years: kiteboarding, snowboarding, dancing, rock climbing. At my job also, I have been proactive and taken more responsibility, often questioning what more I can do to benefit both myself and the company. Regardless of how great or not-so-great your job is, here is an encouraging quote:

Yet when approached without too many cultural prejudices and with a determination to shape it so as to make it personally meaningful, even the most mundane job can enhance the quality of life, rather than detract from it.

How one spends their leisure time is an important part of happiness. According to the book, America has a big problem with this—Americans do not know how to spend their leisure time. This has been one of the most objective ways I have read in a book that explains how I've been feeling about it as a European.

While my friends in Europe have an easier time finding flow in free or cheap activities when they are not working, Americans seem to have a harder time actually doing things that they are super excited about. Most activities revolve around consuming: drinking, movies, music, TV, fashion, or generally taking things to the extreme, and very few are actually both challenging and relaxing (e.g. going to concerts, theatre plays, having intellectual conversations, reading books, taking walks in the park, biking together). It is a shame to see such a great country be so unable to enjoy life.

In 1958, the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry ended its annual report with the conclusion "For many Americans, leisure is dangerous."

The popular assumption is that no skills are involved in enjoying free time, and that anybody can do it. Yet the evidence suggests the opposite: free time is more difficult to enjoy than work.

I dare say this would sound strange to most of my European friends. At least while we were in high school. Continuing, on why consumerism has done nothing for our happiness:

Ironically, it seems that how much happiness and enjoyment we get from leisure has no relation at all—if anything, a negative relation—to the amount of material energy consumed while doing it. Low-key activities that require investments of skill, knowledge, and emotions on our part are just as rewarding as those that use up a lot of equipment and external energy, instead of our own psychic energy. Having a good conversation, gardening, reading poetry, volunteering in a hospital, or learning something new exhaust few resources and are at least as enjoyable as things that consume ten times as many resources.

And, to top it off, a psychoanalytical explanation of why this is bad for America's future:

And if a society becomes too dependent on entertainment, it is likely that there will be less psychic energy left to cope creatively with the technological and economic challenges that will inevitably arise.

But we need to keep ourselves busy. Otherwise we go crazy:

Without goals and without others to interact with, most people begin to lose motivation and concentration. The mind begins to wander, and more oftan than not it will focus on unresolvable problems that cause anxiety.

But what could we do instead of consuming so much entertainment in our leisure time? A quick suggestion is reading:

In a large-scale study in Germany, it was found that the more often people report reading books, the more flow experiences they claim to have, while the opposite trend was found for watching television. The most flow was reported by individuals who read a lot and watched little TV, the least by those who read seldom and watched often.

With such consumerist habits, it is more difficult to bond with peers over engaging conversation. What could laughing about the latest TV-show or debating about the newest tech gadget do for creating a deep connection between two people? Is it the same as exchanging opinions on a thought-provoking book? Doubtful. I daresay people generally have fewer close friends now than they used to. Having enough close friends is hugely important for happiness (side note: only 30% of Americans rated themselves as "very happy"):

National surveys find that when someone claims to have five or more friends with whom they can discuss important problems, they are 60 percent more likely to say that they are "very happy."

It is much better to produce rather than consume. One is much less likely to be unhappy with oneself when there is so much fruit of one's labors to sample. This quote illustrates it well:

I make sure to start every day as a producer, not a consumer.

When you get up, you may start with a good routine like showering and eating, but as soon as you find yourself with some free time you probably get that urge to check Reddit, open that game you were playing, see what you’re missing on Facebook, etc.

Put all of this off until “later”. Start your first free moments of the day with thoughts of what you really want to do; those long-term things you’re working on, or even the basic stuff you need to do today, like cooking, getting ready for exercise, etc.

— Information Diet

I look forward to finishing this book, and recommended it to anyone interested in learning about flow and how it can improve the quality of your life.

Belated birthday resolutions

2012-12-30T21:48:00-07:00

Sooo... the end of the world didn't happen. Continuing the 2010-initiated tradition, here are my thoughts on 2012 and beyond.

Table of contents:

Why?
Thanks, previous year!
What now?
Onward, I say!

Why?

It's a recent tradition. Every year, so much changes that reflecting on the past is a wonderful and gratifying learning experience. This year I'm going to do things a bit differently, as I am looking back two years.

I wrote a similar post after my last birthday.

Thanks, previous years!

Here's what goals I focused on achieving for 2012 in my last entry:

Improve social life
Eat less meat
Develop management/leadership skills
Learn about emerging markets and ideas

And 2011:

Understand my place on the web
Take more risks
Take more steps back, think ahead
Use the power of choice

Going to look back two years and see how things have changed.

Starting off with 2011 first.

2011.1 Understand my place on the web

2011 Grade: D+
2012 Grade: C

In 2011, I started my own company after working at Mozilla. That actually helped me understand that the web is huge. In retrospect, it's good to have worked in different spaces on the web already. I am still in search of what my place is.

I've also met lots of founders trying to change the (web-)world in lots of different ways. Inspiring. Motivational. Hopeful. And yes that helped me understand what the web could be about much more than before.

But my gut feeling is that I still don't get what I am most the passionate about. Kind of a carry-over. I guess understanding one's place in the world is not exactly a one-year kinda goal.

I am re-concluding that the main reason I'm not doing well with this is that I'm not comitting much time to the web as a social medium. To mediate that, I'm setting a goal for more involvement in the coding world, and more blogging.

2011.2 Take more risks

2011 Grade: A-
2012 Grade: A

Great. Can do even more to get out of my comfort zone. For 2012, taking more risks has continued to be on my agenda.

Changed jobs from a CTO/founder to early-stage engineer.
From zero to regularly rock climbing, dancing, kiteboarding and snowboarding.

More details:

I decided to leave my startup behind (SoWink), and move on to a different startup, as an early engineer instead of a founder. My long-term goals are to try things out on my own, and I am enjoying the opportunity to handle those at Humble Bundle. I am looking to learn more about building a product, prioritizing, organizing and generally keeping things running smoothly. Balancing engineering with product is something I will continually improve.
Being serious about rock climbing, dancing, kiteboarding and snowboarding is something I am very proud of. The risks involved here are primarily physical. And it may not seem related, but the ramifications of taking on physical risks as well as career risks are very much relevant. My confidence and ability to understand things for how they are has gone that much further. I also took some emotional risks this year and I am looking to take more risks on all levels.

Learning from one's risks, turns out, can come much later. I am still learning from the risks I took in 2011.

2011.3 Take more steps back, think ahead

2011 Grade: B
2012 Grade: B

I'm about as happy with my performance of my time perspective as I was before. I still want to think further ahead. I would almost say B+, but that would be to make myself feel better.

Really, the reasons I am not an A here are:

I do not have much of an idea what I want to do in the next few years.
I don't plan ahead more than a few months, and even that pretty rarely.
I do not keep good track of where my time goes.

The positives are:

I adapt very well to a change in schedule.
I commit to sticking to hobbies (dancing, rock climbing, board skills).
I often stop to think about what is important in life.
Career-wise, I have been very focused on learning and finding fulfillment.

2011.4 Use the power of choice

2011 Grade: A
2012 Grade: A

I have been proactive about my choices. The main challenge here has been dealing with increasing responsibilities (moving several times, taking on many hobbies and increasing workload at the same time). All-in-all I should be heading towards an A+, but that's not happened yet for two reasons:

getting more organized
reminding myself how powerful choice really is. It's life-changing.

Grade: A-

I would go as far as saying that I have found a home this year. Moving to San Francisco, meeting a large number of people, and making regular friends. I am still missing more friends (though that's probably because I'm such a social butterfly), and I've been proactive about making more.

A new approach is to determine more hobbies for myself and get into communities that will automatically turn into friends. Examples include kiteboarding meetups, yoga groups, and some relaxed activities perhaps. More on this below.

2012.2 Eat less meat

Grade: B

I've been regularly thinking about how much meat I eat. I did much better at this in the first half of the year. I lived in a vegetarian home, so not eating meat was easy! I still rarely cook meat at home.

After trying this out and somewhat succeeding, I'm debating whether my goal should be to only eat meat from animals that are treated properly, or give up meat altogether. Meanwhile, I am adjusting my goal to eat less processed foods. More on this below.

2012.3 Develop management/leadership skills

Grade: B

Part of this was given due to my job. Working at a small startup inevitably involves:

taking point on new challenges
taking ownership of aspects of a product
constantly improving internal processes as the team and product grow
understanding of scalability and performance

Most of what I could do better here revolves around:

understanding priorities for a product
being more confident in technical product decision
doing more pair programming and team building
focus much more on what innovation and skills I can bring to the table to really make the product and team shine

2012.4 Learn about emerging markets and ideas

Grade: A-

In a larger sense, the goal here is to be more organized and keep up to date with the reading I have. However, I met many people working in different markets. While most of them had to do with technology, I've been monitoring what's "hot" more carefully than in the past.

I am looking to stay on top of my readings better, and be more consistent about keeping up with into the economy, money, markets and new products.

What now?

This year had some interesting goals. I will keep working on them. Higher priorities, however, go to a few new ones for 2013.

Regular body strengthening and stretching
Travel and unwind
Avoid processed foods
Write and read more
Take point/responsibility and lead something

Regular body strengthening and stretching

In 2012 I've taken on exercising more seriously. This has brought up important points about the strengths and weaknesses of my body. I've been sore and hurt a few times. Nothing out of the ordinary, but I wouldn't mind being generally more athletic. Making it an official goal should help!

The following would be good:

Yoga and regular streching (morning/evening routines)
Muscle strengthening (e.g. through rock climbing, running, board sports, gym, etc)
Regular chiropractor visits

Ultimate goal: less muscle imbalance, more upper body strength, more tone, more relaxed back and neck muscles, and better posture.

Travel and unwind

2012 was a busy year. After coming out of my own startup, I plunged into another, and have taken little time to step back and think. I feel pressed to do that. While I have been pushing my career forward, I have not thought out the implications and possible paths I am about to embark on.

I am also big on travel, and 2012 was not a highly traveled year for me. As such, I want to spend more time reflecting, unwinding, and traveling.

Spend regular time reflecting, alone and with others. At least 2-3 hours a week would be good.
Travel to Europe, at the very least visit Romania for 2 weeks.
Ideally, explore countries that are more significantly different than my past visits. Examples include South America, the Mediterranean, the Netherlands, etc.
Take some time off to unwind and think about the future (next 2-5 years). This includes taking at least two 4-day vacations.

Ultimate goal: to become more aware of the limitations of time, how much I can achieve, and understand myself better. Also, to relax and focus on what is truly meaningful and fulfilling for my life. Exposure to different cultures and countries would help enlighten my life path.

Avoid processed foods

After trying out eating less meat in 2012, I'm ready to move on. I have done relatively well without much struggle, and made conscious efforts that, when I do eat meat, most of the time I know it was raised and treated properly.

Continuing that trend, however, my effors are now directed not towards eating less meat, but eating less processed food. Processed food is typically full of preservatives, additives, and unnecessary ingredients and often cheaper alternatievs (e.g. cheaper oils/fats, corn starch, other substitutes).

The idea here is similar to the Paleo diet, but more flexible. Here is the gist of what I aim for:

Yes:

grass-fed, pasture raised meats
eggs and dairy from pasture raised animals
vegetables
fruit
mushrooms
nuts

No:

snacks, crackers, or generally any wrapped stuff
soy-based products (this'll be tricky)
low on grains (oats OK, bread OK in low quantities, occasional desserts)
processed oils

Ultimate goal: to feel more alive, more energetic, and keep chemicals away from my body. Also, to be more environmentally responsible and help promote a meat industry that I believe is sustainable.

Write and read more

In 2011-2012 I have written very little. VERY little. I feel the need to change that. It's important enough that I want to constantly monitor myself about it, and set a concrete goal.

I also have a large pile of books waiting to be read. Time to get on those as well.

Concretely:

write at least one blog entry per month for the year (this one doesn't count)
read at least 150 pages per month (4-6 books this year)
read more about particular topics
- management
- coding
- self-growth
- emerging markets
- economy, investing, finance
contribute more open-source projects and write about them
- liberate code from the Humble Bundle codebase
- continue to maintain relevant current projects

Ultimate goal: promote reflection and self-growth, explore interests and sharpen my current abilities. Also, reading is fun!

Take point/responsibility and lead something

After trying my luck at leading a company, I have gotten the taste for leadership and responsibility. I am excited about exploring this. As my interest persists, I aim for the next few years to become more about communication, collaboration and pushing my comfort zone towards developing a product and playing an important role in leading a project. As such, I challenge myself to:

at work, lead some (uncomfortable) part of a project
in my personal life, find a new activity, hobby, destination or passion on my own and stick with it

One of the habits I exercise often is trying out new things. This year, I hope to find a new hobby. Of course, while I am doing this, I intend to keep kiteboarding, snowboarding, dancing and rock climbing at my best ability. I am interested in seeing how these hobbies will develop over time as new ones come by.

Ultimate goal: Become more comfortable and empowered on my own. Grow my personal life and career into new territories that interest me.

Onward, I say!

Around next new year, I will report back.

Thank you all who contributed to my life in 2012. It has been a wonderful ride with lots of new, exciting friends, enligthtening choices and promising future possibilities!

Introducing Google App Engine Paginator

2012-08-29T11:24:00-06:00

Summary
Getting Started
Features

Summary

Need a way to paginate through a GQL query easily? gae_paginator handles the generation of next/previous page URLs, paginates on both unique and non-unique properties, and wants to be as efficient and easy to use as possible.

Getting Started

Download the source and copy the gae_paginator/ folder anywhere inside your App Engine project directory.

That's it! Use it like so, in your handlers:

import os

from google.appengine.ext.webapp import template
import webapp2

from gae_paginator import Paginator

class YourHandler(webapp2.RequestHandler):

  def get(self):
  paginator = Paginator(YourModel, 'some_column = :1 AND other_column = :2',
                        ['some_value', 'other_value'], expect_duplicates=True,
                        per_page=50, paginate_on='-created')
  page = paginator.get_page(request=self.request)
  path = os.path.join(os.path.dirname(__file__), 'index.html')
  self.response.out.write(template.render(path, {
    'objects': list(page),
    'page': page,
  })

In your django template:

{% if page.has_previous %}
    <a href="{{ page.get_previous_url }}">&laquo; Previous page</a>
{% endif %}
{% if page.has_next %}
    <a href="{{ page.get_next_url }}">Next page &raquo;</a>
{% endif %}

Or jinja2 template:

{% if page.has_previous() %}
     <a href="{{ page.get_previous_url() }}">&laquo; Previous page</a>
{% endif %}
{% if page.has_next() %}
    <a href="{{ page.get_next_url() }}">Next page &raquo;</a>
{% endif %}

Features

Simple pagination by key
Paginate by non-unique properties with a specified tolerance for duplicates.
Example: paginate songs by artist name, 10 songs per page, expect 100 duplicates. Set: expect_duplicates=100
Order and paginate by a custom column (Date/DateTime and key supported and tested).
Show next and previous buttons only when there is actual data before/after.

SoWink: discontinued

2012-01-24T00:00:00-07:00

Thanks to several SoWink team members for reviewing this post and providing valuable feedback.

Recap

SoWink started in late January, 2011, when I, my brother Marius, and our CEO and friend Di Huang met to discuss an idea.

Everything was going really well for a while. In the last few months, though, more and more challenges became apparent. We weren't getting enough traction, enough funding, and our product didn't feel like one single, cohesive piece. It didn't seem to solve the problem we sought out to solve: make meeting new people online safe, private, quick and fun. It didn't fulfill our long-term vision.

On January 20, 2012, about a year later, SoWink discontinued its service. In this post, I will explain our decision as best as possible, as I see it right now.

Reality check

I read that the first startup is almost inevitably a failure. That first-time entrepreneurs "have only an 18% chance of succeeding". That mistakes often come in large numbers and problems appear to be obvious in retrospect.

Ultimately, there comes a time when everything seems clear. After almost a year since its inception, it is clear to me now that SoWink would not have done well in the foreseeable future. We were missing the proper team dynamic and culture. Or, rather, we had it, but somehow lost it. And once you lose that, it's over.

Startups are hard because making a successful product is hard. Because having a perfect team is hard. And even once you have the perfect team, maintaining a cultural balance is important - most of all, trust and openness.

SoWink's mission

At SoWink, our mission is to provide the most exclusive social platform by empowering young people with a fun, safe and enriching dating experience throughout the world.

We lived by these values: working on SoWink was fun, and the product looked fun. Many of our users seemed to enjoy the values and the product. In a way, our mission sounds generic, but we liked to think that's because of the grand vision.

The dangers of a grand vision

SoWink’s vision is to revolutionize your dating world by removing all preexisting stigmas etched by current online dating providers through fostering a safe, social and fun environment in which our users can confidently entrust.

Our vision was very much long-term. The goal was to be efficient at delivering - helping people meet, yet to avoid the fall-off from achieving any dating site's goal: people find a date, they leave. That's where the fun product and discounts come in: you stay on SoWink with your date because it's fun. Because we offer something for your relationship.

The problem here is the challenge that our grand vision brought: how do you build a product that does all these things? How do you do it efficiently, quickly, cohesively? For a founding team of first-time entrepreneurs, we didn't make it easy on ourselves. We lacked focus and experience. We hired too many people too quickly. We set high expectations for growth.

Could we have done it? Why so certain to give up?

Trust and confidence

Once I no longer could trust that we are going somewhere, I no longer felt that SoWink is my company. I lacked the confidence to go any further. We needed a culture change, a reality check, and the strength of mind to get back on the right path and find our balance again.

From where I was standing, any right path seemed too far. Unreachable, almost. Sometimes, when you get so far off-track, getting back in the groove is simply not worth it. It's just like trust and relationships.

Our CEO's market research had set high expectations for traction, growth, and future plans. Over time, those expectations were simply not met - there was something missing. I made the mistake of believing in those expectations, when I should have done more research and fewer assumptions.

It took a long winter break to realize the stress and disbelief in what was actually happening. We had all been working so hard and wanting to believe that our product will succeed so much. I had forgotten to step away and do a reality check: our growth wasn't where it should have been; our funding wasn't around the corner and we needed it; our team was large and we had a responsibility towards them. Something had to change.

I had a 6 hour meeting with my brother, and he was the one who really helped me face the facts: we had forgotten to be founders. We hadn't relaxed in a while, hadn't thought about the big picture, hadn't looked back to see that we weren't heading in the direction we assumed. We had fooled ourselves.

The importance of a strong team and balance

In times like these I understand why it is important to have full faith and trust in your team. To not let stress, or investors, or anyone else get in the way of your company's culture or balance. To discuss issues openly and early. To express concern and recognize when expectations are not met. To distribute responsibility and to avoid false reassurance. To be realistic.

Much of our team had joined us too soon, before we had figured out our own culture, before we had found enough validation for our product. However, SoWink had a great team, and our exciting vision and product inspired everyone to work hard and contribute to the product in every aspect. The work we all did together was amazing. It made SoWink stand out, and the fact that we were able to maintain an enthusiastic team for so many months is an achievement in itself. It shows that we had some things right: an exciting product, fun values, and a vision that resonated with all of us. We had reached a team size of over 15, including part timers.

The good news

The good news is that SoWink has been a success in its failure. Failing fast and clearly, rather than slow and uncertainly = much better. In startup life, a year flies by extremely quickly. Most of the successful companies that you know today have pivoted several times and failed for several years before becoming a huge success.

I really do think that failing fast means learning fast. Which is not to say I am in favor of giving up. But, sometimes, it becomes clear that is the only option: everything seems to agree to it. A year was enough for us to understand that we're failing: it was slow enough to tell it's not going to work, but not too slow to have wasted months or years looking for something that wasn't there.

For me personally, this year has been a long time to learn a lot, but not so long that I feel sorry for not reaching this conclusion sooner.

The other good news is that learning from this failure will better prepare us all for the future.

Thanks

I (and our entire SoWink team) would like to thank all of our users for their dedication, support and feedback. Our friends and partners for believing in our product. And to anyone and everyone who has helped us along the way. Thank you!

I personally would also like to thank our team for their passion and determination, and for their dedication to stick with us for so long and believe that we can succeed.

Belated birthday resolutions

2012-01-23T00:00:00-07:00

I'm over a month late on my promise. But it can still be a tradition.

Table of contents:

Why?
Thanks, previous year!
What now?
Onward, I say!

Why?

It's been a new year. And my birthday. In 2011, so much has changed that I could spend weeks just thinking about it, doing nothing else, and still learning from it.

I wrote a similar post shortly after my last birthday, and I like the title so I'm keeping it.

Thanks, previous year!

Looking back to the end of 2010, I had set out to fulfill 4 concrete goals:

Understand my place on the web
Take more risks
Take more steps back, think ahead
Use the power of choice

Time to grade myself :)

1. Understand my place on the web.

Grade: D+

I knew this was a stretch - I am still not sure where I want to be. In 2011, I moved from being a web developer at Mozilla to starting my own company, SoWink. I learned that working for a social product is extremely fun. I recently increased my open source contributions to the web as a whole and am planning to continue this trend.

But do I really understand where I want to be years from now? Or even this year? No. I'm considering this goal a moderate success, but mostly a failure. A failure from which I should be learning a lesson. What is that lesson? I'll have to think about it...

2. Take more risks

Grade: A-

Definitely achieved. Starting a company, moving, traveling alone, going hang gliding.

It would have been even better if I had taken more time to learn more about the non-technical essentials of running a company. But that would have taken time from something else, surely.

3. Take more steps back, think ahead

Grade: B

I've spent some time thinking about my future, life, and what matters. This is worth a separate blog post in itself. I'm still not satisfied with my time perspective. I want to spend more time thinking about the big picture. I want to have a better grasp of the next few years, and maintain a better balance in my life.

I want to thank the people closest to me for asking me thought-provoking questions throughout the year that have encouraged me to do this more.

4. Use the power of choice

Grade: A

While I have still occasionally victimized myself, I understand now that it is difficult not to - especially when under heavy stress. But the past year has taught me to say no more, to negotiate better, to actively choose my path. Most of all, it has taught me that I do have the power of choice, that I can do what I want, and that grabbing an opportunity and making the most of it can really change one's life.

Working at a startup, I have had to continually adjust my expectations, evaluate how the product has been going, how much work can really be done, become better at estimating and less worried about missing deadlines. I went through several failures, delayed launches, intense debates and arguments.

Failing fast and often has taught me how to deal with stress better. It has the downside of not giving me enough time to think and learn from it, so I'd like to take some time this month of January to think back more and jot down lessons learned.

What now?

Since last year went so well, I'm setting some stretch goals for this year, too.

Improve social life
Eat less meat
Develop management/leadership skills
Learn about emerging markets and ideas

I've been living in the US for a long time now, and I've yet to reach the social life that I want. I've got some of everything, but not enough. My social network is not very responsive nor extremely well aligned with my values and goals. Obviously this is my fault and my responsibility. I want to change that.

So, this year, I will focus on spending more time with people who I've neglected and deserved better, and also meet some new ones, both for personal and professional reasons.

What am I looking for?

Friends for activities, to exchange personal ideas, and to generally improve each other's life through motivation and keeping one in check. Awesome people to hang out with, basically.
Talented mentors, be they engineers, managers, investors, or otherwise people with experience that can help me with advice and whom I can look up to.

Ultimate goal: fulfilment and satisfaction with where I live and what activities I do, as well as where my life is heading, socially. More concretely, surrounding myself with a network that helps me grow and be generally happier.

Eat less meat

In 2011 I met some people who inspired me to eat less meat. I tried it for a while, but ultimately fell back into habit and the convenience of eating meat. This year, I want to try harder, even if I have to go a bit out of my way. Some of the reasons:

The industry of meat production and distribution is absolutely disgusting and cruel (both to animals and to workers).
It's not an efficient means to feed ourselves as a population.
It's very unhealthy, and most of the meat is full of hormones and additives that would not be necessary if proper treatment and procedures were in place.

I won't go into details, you can do the research yourself.

Ultimate goal: eat meat at most once a week. If I can do this for even just 3 months this year, I'll be happy. If I think I can go beyond this, I will.

Develop management/leadership skills

Last year, I founded a company. I didn't even stop to blog about it. Expect a blog post with further details soon.

One of the things I learned is that I enjoy helping other people through management and leadership. It would be ideal if I could work in a position that allowed me to be a technical lead of some sort, and be responsible for one or more of:

technical product decisions
scalability, performance, team technical culture (e.g. peer programming, workshops, etc)
developer professional growth, helping others learn more and find/understand their career path
drive innovation and user experience from a technical side

Ultimate goal: strengthen my social and leadership skills, with a technical focus. Qualify for more-social technical-positions.

Learn about emerging markets and ideas

Being aware of the market and new ideas is important for playing a conscious, proactive role in society. One can do this by keeping up with market trends, new technologies and what technical changes are happening overseas.

Lumped in with this, I'd like to learn the basics about the business and legal side of technology, which would help me understand and better communicate with people working in these fields, as well as how to be better at it myself, why not.

Ultimate goal: understand what society is doing as a whole, technologically and economically, and what are the areas of growth and decline.

Onward, I say!

11 months from now, I will report back.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to my life in 2011!

Serve media from Amazon S3 and keep it in sync

2012-01-12T00:00:00-07:00

Summary
Pros and cons
Get started
Results
Alternatives
Approach
Conclusion

Summary

Amazon S3 is an affordable, web-scale storage. It has a well supported python API, thanks to boto, and it offers "99.999999999% durability, with 99.99% availability." (quote).

To improve the performance of a site, it helps to offload media to a different machine - that way your web server doesn't have to process additional requests for your assets. django-s3sync helps you serve media such as your static media (CSS, JS, images) and user-uploaded content easily and efficiently.

Get started

Go to the github page and follow the installation instructions.

Pros and cons

Pros:

Easy to install and get running
Fall back to local URLs if file is not on S3 yet
Separate buckets for static media VS user-uploaded media
Easy to set up cron jobs, management commands to keep your media in sync
Efficient sync of pending uploaded and deleted files
Automatically link to files on S3 when they have been uploaded
Optionally deletes files from S3 once they have been deleted locally

Cons:

Currently only works using Django's FileSystemStorage backend (*)
You can only serve ALL of your static media from S,3 or NONE of it.
Similarly, you can only serve ALL of your user media from S3, or NONE of it.
Doesn't work with symlinks as far as I know

(*) Can be easily fixed, but I've kept it simple for my purposes.

Alternatives

django-cuddlybuddly-storage-s3, a fork of django-storages. Wasn't good enough for me, because it seems to upload the files right away, and I didn't want to block the server threads while they connect and upload to S3.
django-extensions's management command sync_media_s3, which served as inspiration for my project, provides a simple management command that you can use to copy local files to S3. It does not support removing files that have been locally removed, nor does it support advanced pattern matching for files.

Caching Django views with nginx and memcache

2012-01-08T00:00:00-07:00

Summary
Motivation
Pros and cons
Results
Alternatives
- Research
Approach
Conclusion

Summary

Update: Steve Jalim has kindly continued my work on this over at the torchbox GitHub.

I wanted a way to increase performance for some of our static pages. One way to do this is to cache Django pages somewhere, and serve that content from earlier on the request pipe.

A simple approach is having nginx grab the page directly from memcache, without touching Django at all. Enter nginx_memcache.

Motivation

Performance increase. Avoiding database queries when they're unnecessary. Make your static pages load faster.

Pros and cons

What can you do or cannot do with this approach?

Pros:

Easy to set which views are cached from Django
Flag for turning on and off
Page versioning, so you can cache multiple versions for the same page, based on your own criteria
User will see the same page version based on a cookie
Significant speedup versus loading with Django (more below).

Cons:

Can only cache entire page at a time (though more research may show otherwise)
No auto-invalidate from Django, until user visits some non-cached page (though possible to clear this cache when updating your codebase with a commit hook).
Can no longer embed forms on that page unless CSRF is obtained through JS.

Results

Our tests showed a 10x increase in kbps transferred with ApacheBench tests against our landing page (run with ab -k -c 20 -n 2000, before and after).

Deployment was very straightforward. You can read the docs for details.

Alternatives

Varnish can also be placed in front of or behind nginx, and there are several articles showing how to do this.

Here's my 2 cents on django + varnish + nginx VS django + memcache + nginx:

(+1 for memcache) Easier to configure nginx with memcache than Varnish. Configuring Varnish implied learning a whole new language (VCL), and adding one more piece of software to our technology stack.
(+1 for varnish) Some perf tests out there say Varnish can be quite a bit faster. However, the difference is not orders of magnitude, so I was not compelled.
(+1 for memcache) Django and Memcache are very well integrated. By contrast, python-varnish and django-varnish are not actively developed and have several known issues. Didn't seem a good idea for production.

Research links

django-nginx-memcache
djangonginxed, an alternative to my project.
django + nginx + memcache middleware example.
Evaluating Django caching options
Using varnish with Django for high performance caching
What is an ideal architecture that includes nginx and Varnish?
Example set up for nginx in front of varnish
Example set up for varnish in front of nginx

DataStore - an abstraction layer for storing data and processing requests

2011-03-01T00:00:00-07:00

Update 2012/01: I still haven't started working on this project and I've heard much interest from others. Some have offered to pick up the project. I will update this post once the project finds a home.

Motivation
Idea
From past to present, what now?
What does better mean?
Why should you care?
My scenario
What worked for me
Proposed features
Help!

Motivation

I wrote an application which extensively used Ajax requests to communicate with the server. After a while I wanted to add localStorage. Though most actions were grouped together, there were still more than just a handful of Ajax requests that had to be changed. Then I thought what if I want to add IndexedDB later on...

... you can see where this is going: maintenance hell.

Then I thought: other people must be having similar problems. Hence...

Idea

A library to unify all the different data storage/retrieval/sending/receiving API's such as XMLHttpRequest, WebSockets, localStorage, IndexedDB, and make it easier to use any number of them at once.

From past to present, what now?

Past: Before, all we had was AJAX requests. Really.

To present: With the new technologies coming up in the HTML5 era, we've got localStorage and IndexedDB, WebSockets, node.js, and more. Hectic.

What now? Don't you wish there was a better way to send and receive data in the browser?

What does better mean?

My general goals for this are:

Simple key/value store common abstraction.
Pluggable handlers for each type of send/receive.
Use other abstractions specified in each handler (library surfaces your API as well).
Straightforward way to define flow of data. More on this later.

Anything else you wish it could do?

Why should you care?

Short answer: maintenance, scalability, flexibility.

As these technologies become widely supported, you will start seeing a common problem for websites heavily relying on AJAX (or any kind of data transfer without page reloads): how do you take advantage of them without rewriting your entire codebase every time there's a new technology (API/storage engine/etc) coming out?

My scenario

The whole reason I got thinking about this was because it happened to me. And it was frustrating.

I had this client-side application using jQuery.ajax requests, and I wanted to take advantage of localStorage for some of them, for data that I didn't need to get from the server on every page load.

I considered:

Quick'n'dirty: Rewrite these pieces of the application to do both localStorage and ajax requests as fallback.
Slightly better: A library that's flexible enough for my purposes.
Ideal: A library that would allow me to enable/disable localStorage as an intermediary step on a per-request basis, make it easy to add IndexedDB support later, etc.

What worked for me

The simpler thing I went with was a Data object with a couple of functions.

Example usage:

// main.js
window.data = new DataStore({
    url: '/fetch_new_data',
    // show a spinny tangy
    sync_before: function showSyncInProgress() { ... },
    // hide the spinny thingy, maybe show a fading notification
    sync_success: function showSyncDone() { ... },
    // hide the spinny thingy, definitely show some message
    sync_error: function showSyncFailed() { ... }
}

// example request
var i = 0;
window.data.process_request({
    ajax: {url: '/new_comment', type: 'POST',
           data: $('#comment-form').serialize()},
    key: 'comment_' + (i++),
    value: {'author': $('#comment-form .author').val(),
            'text': $('#comment-form .text').val()}
});

ajax.data and value are actually very similar, with an important exception in most applications (e.g. Django): the csrftoken. We don't need to store that in localStorage for every request. So I chose to keep the two completely separate. You could subclass DataStore and make it save you this extra work per request.

Below is an example implementation (raw file):

/* This depends on Crockford's json2.js
 * from https://github.com/douglascrockford/JSON-js
 * Options:
 *     - url: function()
 *     - sync_before: function()
 *     - sync_success: function()
 *     - sync_error: function()
 */
function DataStore(options) {
    window.data = this;
    this.storage = window.localStorage;
    // date of last time we synced
    this.last_sync = null;
    // queue of requests, populated if offline
    this.queue = [];

    /**
     * Gets data stored at `key`; `key` is a string
     */
    this.get_data = function (key) {
        var str_data = this.storage.getItem(key);
        return JSON.parse(str_data);
    }

    /**
     * Sets data at `key`; `key` is a string
     */
    this.set_data = function (key, data) {
        var str_data = JSON.stringify(data);
        this.storage.setItem(key, str_data);
    }

    /**
     * Syncs data between local storage and server, depending on
     * modifications and online status.
     */
    this.sync_data = function () {
        // must be online to sync
        if (!this.is_online()) {
            return false;
        }

        this.last_sync = this.get_data('last_sync');

        // have we never synced before in this browser?
        if (!this.last_sync) {
            // first-time setup
            // ...
            this.last_sync = {};
            this.last_sync.when = new Date().getTime();
            this.last_sync.is_modified = false;
        }

        if (this.last_sync.is_modified) {
            var request_options;
            // sync modified data
            // you can pass callbacks here too
            while (this.queue.length > 0) {
                request_options = this.queue.pop();
                $.ajax(request_options.ajax);
            }
            this.set_data('queue', []);
            this.last_sync.is_modified = false;
        }
        // data is synced, update sync time
        this.set_data('last_sync', this.last_sync);

        // get modified data from the server here
       $.ajax({
            type: 'POST',
            url: options.url,
            dataType: 'json',
            data: {'last_sync': this.last_sync.sync_date},
            beforeSend:
                // here you can show some "sync in progress" icon
                options.sync_before,
            error:
                // an error callback should be passed in to this Data
                // object and would be called here
                options.sync_error,
            success: function (response, textStatus, request) {
                // callback for success
                options.sync_success(
                    response, textStatus, request);
            }
        });


    /**
     * Process a request. This is where all the magic happens.
     */
    this.process_request = function(request_options) {
        request_options.beforeSend();
        this.set_data(request_options.key, request_options.value);

        if (this.is_online()) {
            $.ajax(request_options.ajax);
        } else {
            this.queue.push(request_options);
            this.last_sync.is_modified = true;
            this.set_data('last_sync', this.last_sync);
            // there are issues with this, storing functions as
            // strings is not a good idea :)
            this.set_data('queue', this.queue);
        }

        request_options.processed();
    }

    /**
     * Return true if online, false otherwise.
     */
    this.is_online = function () {
        if (navigator && navigator.onLine !== undefined) {
            return navigator.onLine;
        }
        try {
            var request = new XMLHttpRequest();
            request.open('GET', '/', false);
            request.send(null);
            return (request.status === 200);
        }
        catch(e) {
            return false;
        }
    }
}

Proposed Features

The example API isn't bad, but I think it could be better. Perhaps something along the lines of Lawnchair. As I'm writing this, I realize that writing an API is going to take longer than I'd like - therefore, this will serve as a teaser and food for thought. Feedback is welcome.

Add an .each method for iterating over retrieved objects (inspired by Lawnchair)
Standard DataStore.save, .get, .remove, etc.
Support for these "storage engines": localStorage, IndexedDB, send-to-server.
Support for these request types: XMLHttpRequest, WebSockets.
Store, at the very least, primitive values and JSON.
Include callbacks for various stages in the process of a request, similar to jQuery.ajax, e.g. beforeSend, complete, success, error. Figure out a good way to do this at each layer (minimize confusion).
For each request, specify which layers and in what order to go through. For example, if you want to store something in localStorage, IndexedDB, and send it to the server, you could do it in that order or the reverse.
Control whether to go to the next layer type depending on whether the previous succeeded or failed. Say, if you want to send the request to server but that fails, try localStorage as a fallback. Or the opposite.
Include a .get_then_store shortcut for getting the data from layer A and storing it in layer B?
Extensible: as easy as DataStore.addLayer(layerName, layerHandler), where layerHandler (obviously) implements some common API along with exposing some of its own, if necessary (e.g. ability to query or find, for IndexedDB).
As sending and getting data from the server means keeping two or more databases in sync, collisions may arise. Provide a collision callback or some smart defaults for handling collision. E.g. sometimes server data is always right (trusted more than user data), other times local data is king.

Help!

Hopefully my rant has gotten you thinking about the right approach. What would you like to see? What would make this something you would use and be happy with?

If you are interested in getting involved with coding this, contact me at paul at craciunoiu {dot} net.

Python scoping: understading LEGB

2011-01-31T00:00:00-07:00

Update: Thanks to Avazu for a clean suggestion and Fred for pointing out I should have indicated a good way to get around this.

Summary

Python scoping fun! Read about LEGB to understand the basics of python scoping.

Beef

I never bothered to read about how python scoping works until I hit this. It's not exactly something to research until you have issues with it. :)

I had something like this going on:

def func1(param=None):
    def func2():
        if not param:
            param = 'default'
        print param
    # Just return func2.
    return func2


if __name__ == '__main__':
    func1('test')()

Note: Actual code was not as straightforward, func2 was actually a decorator. Admittedly, using the same parameter name is not a must, but it's still a curiosity. I just wanted to fall back to a default value on run-time.

If you try to run this in python, here's what you get:

~ $ python test.py 
Traceback (most recent call last):
  File "test.py", line 11, in <module>
    func1('test')()
  File "test.py", line 3, in func2
    if not param:
UnboundLocalError: local variable 'param' referenced before assignment

If you're curious, you can read about the principles of LEGB. You have to understand a bit about compilers and the AST to get what's going on behind the scenes. You might think that replacing lines 3-4 with:

param = param or 'default'

Might work. But no. You can't assign the same parameter at the local level if the enclosing level defines it. Even this fails:

param = param

Fun, no?

What to do?

There are a few ways to get around this.

Assign param outside of func2. This doesn't work if you need the default value to be dependent on what params func2 receives.
Use a second variable, param2 inside of func2 (posted below).

Here is the solution suggested by our commenter Avazu (over on the mozilla webdev blog):

def func1(param=None):
    def func2(param2=param):
        if not param2:
            param2 = 'default'
        print param2
    # Just return func2.
    return func2

Belated birthday resolutions

2010-12-11T00:00:00-07:00

Table of contents:

Why?
Thanks, previous year!
What now?
Onward, I say!

Why?

It was my birthday recently. And I've always been a fan of resolutions. I look at them as an opportunity to learn, plan something great, and stick with it.

Also, posting them here is an incentive to follow through! By all means, remind me of what promised to achieve next year and make me feel bad if it doesn't happen :D

Thanks, previous year!

First, I'll take the opportunity to look back on my previous year and what has gone well. Be thankful, yada yada.

Finished my undergraduate education while working an average of 25 hours per week (last two quarters). Thank you, UC Santa Cruz for having a good CS program and gathering a bunch of smart engineers too. I am truly grateful of all the opportunities UCSC has offered me.
Learned a ton about web development, the web in general. I'm much more confident with the knowledge acquired about my field now. Thank you, Mozilla (mostly webdevs ;) for that. And also thank you, internet!
Became much more organized and productive. (This is something I look forward to growing even further in the next year.) Thanks to people I've spoken with, a bunch of books I've read and talks I've listened to, as well as one, very interesting seminar at UC Santa Cruz entitled "Transformative Action".
Traveled to a bunch of places (Romania, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Miami, Yosemite, etc) which motivated me to make a list. I am thankful to really good friends (one in particular) without whom I would not have done this!
Slowly but surely came to a decision about going back to school: will wait for at least one more year before applying to graduate schools. Maybe more.

What now?

For this next year, I've decided to keep it simple. Just 4 concrete actions:

Understand my place on the web
Take more risks
Take more steps back, think ahead
Use the power of choice

Understand my place on the web

Okay, I'll be honest - this one is a stretch. How about just understanding it better??

I know I want to be on the web. What exactly would my role be? What could I do that would make the most difference and at the same time coincide with my values. For this year, I will probably look at this more from a web developer's perspective than anything else.

Ultimate goal: more confident about the purpose of my contributions to the world.

Take more risks

True - this year has had its risks (jumping from a plane, some crazy hikes, other social or work-related acts that were out of my comfort zone), but by and large, I haven't taken chances as much as I know I can. I also want to be more confident in my abilities and this will help.

I want to become more open to risk. Maybe I will try something like rejection therapy. The areas I want to focus on are:

social skillzz - uh, need I say more? computer nerd + social skills = ???
webdev work - initiative, initiative, initiative
UX - sometimes I don't do as good of a job on UI/UX because I stick with the comfy

Ultimate goal: become much more comfortable with failure.

Take more steps back, think ahead

Getting over-involved in little things can make me forget about what's really important. I want to think about the future more and the past less. That's what my ZTPI index indicates too ;)

Decide on when I will go back to school
Elaborate on what I see happening for me in the next 2-5 years (I'll be happy with 2, but 5 would be an overachievement :)

Ultimate goal: In the words of Brian Tracy and Philip Zimbardo, I want to expand my time perspective.

Use the power of choice

Choice empowers us. Two things here:

I want to make an active choice when the opportunity arises - instead of, say, passively deferring.
Say no more. Much too often I try to be nice and say yes, but time does not permit me to do everything.

Ultimate goal: become more realistic about how much I can really do, and stop feeling like a victim sometimes.

Onward, I say!

12 months from now, I will report back. Seriously.

Thanks to everyone who made this year of my life awesome!

SUMO and migrating large amounts of data

2010-12-03T00:00:00-07:00

Data migration is a complicated problem. It's one of those things nobody wants to do, because it's mostly tedious, not engaging, and also important to get right. Often times you have to compromise. I'll talk a bit about the history of SUMO's data, decisions the product and development team have made regarding its migration, and things I've learned from the experience.

Quick tips
Background
Data influences which components are rewritten first
Too much data! What now?
- Lesson 1: Migrating questions
- Lesson 2: Migrating the knowledge base
Can I get away with pure SQL?
Converting data: some challenges
- Lesson 3: Data integrity and storage

Quick tips

Start with the smallest dataset first to get the hang of things. (details)
You'll have to deal with lots of edge cases. Make sure to write tests. (details)
Careful when converting dates/times: timezones can be a pain, and data is often stored in the timezone of the server. (details)
When you have so much data that migrating it would take days: do you need all of it? (details)
Consider the benefits of migrating data offline (details)
It's unlikely that you'll be able to use raw SQL. (details)
You'll learn how important data integrity is, so you'll pay attention at the schema your software uses next time. (details)

Background

At the beginning of February, SUMO started on a new adventure: rewriting the entire platform from an outdated version of TikiWiki to Django. As different (more or less stand-alone) pieces of the application were moved over to the new platform, our data had to be migrated over as well.

Over the course of the past 6 months, I've migrated over 25,000 pieces of content, most of which contained large amounts of text data.

Rewriting: where to start?

Tip: Start with the smallest, simplest dataset first.

The first migration of data was part of our new discussion forums. This was by far the smallest component we had to migrate over:

the forums contained roughly 5000 posts, in just about 1000 threads.
by comparison, we had a total of ~450,000 answers for ~260,000 questions, and over 5,000 knowledge base pages.
- questions
- knowledge base, document example
I had never done migrations before, so starting small was a good idea.
In addition to being the smallest, the forums content was also more straightforward to migrate (see also Converting data)

Too much data!!

Our questions component had over 450,000 (!) answers in the old system. Should you ever be in this situation, here are some options worth considering:

do you need all this data? can you keep just a reasonable portion of it?
if you don't, great! (details)
if you do, tough luck. Consider:
- migrating data offline and then running a straighforward SQL import on the production database. (details)
- running the conversion script in chunks: migrate a part of the data now, and more later.

Migrating questions

Fortunately, even though we had over 260,000 questions to migrate, only about 15,000 were recent enough to be relevant for the currently supported versions of Firefox. Hence, the development and product teams agreed to not migrate all of them.

The script to convert data over was run live on the production server, and took over one hour to finish - not too bad.

Caveat: frozen edits to and creation of TikiWiki questions for those a bit over an hour.

Migrating the Knowledge Base

The Knowledge base presented a different situation: * Between 5,000 and 6,000 articles, some with long-standing history * Approved and unreviewed versions of an article were stored as separate articles in TikiWiki (each with its own history) * Lots and lots of content and metadata per document * Changing our wiki syntax from TikiWiki to MediaWiki (used by Wikipedia, among many others).

Thus, even though the count was much lower than for forums or questions, migrating these was much more intensive, both CPU and IO-wise.

Our solution here was to run the script offline (a.k.a. I ran the script on my machine) and hand our IT team just the SQL output to import.

Why? The script was complex enough to take over 3 hours from start to finish. Unreasonable to run on our production servers: if something went wrong, it could take an entire workday (or more) for the IT and development team to get things back on track.

Caveat: frozen edits to and creation of TikiWiki knowledge base articles for a day.

Huge benefits:

the data migration took less than 5 minutes to import on the production database.
no worrying about a script crashing on untested data
no overloading the production servers with database queries (replication lag can be an issue)

Can I get away with pure SQL?

Rarely.

Why?

Data changes frequently over time.
Thus, you want to freeze changes for the minimum possible time, so running a script on the production database is the way to go.
Hence, unless the new schema structure is close enough for raw SQL to handle, you're out of luck.

The only time we were able to use pure SQL was when we froze edits for a day and generated the SQL offline.

How similar does schema structure have to be for SQL to work? you ask.

Here is the story for our forums, the simplest schema:

we kept the general structure of the data: forum with threads as children, and threads with posts as children.
in TikiWiki, our threads and posts were stored in the same table, with a parentId column distinguishing which are threads and which are posts.
in Django, threads had their own table (a good normalization to have).
a thread from TikiWiki mapped to a thread + a post in Django

Because of those (and other) differences, we couldn't run a SQL-only import as reliably as a python/PHP conversion script. You could try doing a SQL-only import, but you're gonna hit some key issues you wish SQL could solve: * while + if/else if/else structures. Much too often, data is corrupted or columns contain unexpected values - MySQL's conditional construct doesn't do much. * colliding unique keys, or integrity errors due to foreign key references are very difficult to prevent against in SQL.

Converting data

Here are some general observations of problems you might run into when converting data, based on our problems:

Frequently, normalization/denormalization changes are worth the effort:
- More often than not, normalization is the way to go.
- Long-term benefits are:
  - Data integrity a huge issue.
  - Usually, more flexibility to add functionality later on.
  - Easier migration (should you need to do it again).
  - And more!
Syntax changes are the worst:
- If you have to change wiki syntax, consider going straight to HTML: this way, you can use the rendered output of the documents from the old platform.
- Can't get away with just HTML? Try regex conversion! I'm not saying that using a proper parser is a bad idea -- but if you have to write a parser, it's probably not worth the effort.
- Consider a simple PDA instead of a parser, it might just work.
Dates and times are timezone-sensitive. When converting, make sure to test that you're taking timezones into account.
- In our case, we were moving over from a basically timezone-ignorant platform (as many PHP applications are), to a timezone-sensitive application (Django).
- Some columns were integers (UNIX timestamps), which are universally based on UTC, and so less tricky to convert. MySQL's FROM_UNIXTIME can be useful here.
- Others were mysql dates/datetimes/timestamps, recorded at the server's timezone (for us, US/Pacific, or PDT).
Be prepared for lots and lots of edge cases:
- Syntax changes are a nightmare of edge cases, as the old syntax probably has different rules and a different parser than the new one. One common problem for us was whitespace handling.
- If foreign keys were not (well) enforced in the old system, there will be numerous exceptions to catch in the new one.

Data integrity and storage

One of the most valuable lessons to learn from migrating data is integrity. Another one is storing data properly encoded and consistently. I'll highlight just a few things that help with respect to data migration:

Use foreign keys and any other constraints as much as technically accurate
- E.g. you will have fewer exceptions to handle if you can rely on foreign keys to refer to valid rows
- Storing text in one encoding is better than multiple; preferably unicode.
- Store dates and times in the same timezone; preferably UTC.
- Use a database that supports deferred foreign key checks, and is generally better about ACID. That's not MySQL.

Testing

Although testing some temporary code that you'll use once may seem like a waste, if you're dealing with large amounts of data that can change, you will be better off writing tests.

Cover the basics - migrating a typical piece of content.
Cover some, if not all of the edge cases.
(somewhat related to testing) Write some helper scripts (e.g. bash) to make it easy to run the migration and spot check.

I worked on migrating the Knowledge Base over several weeks, and sometimes changes I made to the script broke tests -- if it wasn't for those tests, lots of content could have been migrated poorly, or not at all.

Python debugging (pdb) - quick tip

2010-09-30T00:00:00-06:00

Sometimes you want to use multiple breakpoints like so:

# some function/file...
import pdb; pdb.set_trace()
some_python_code_on_one_line()

# some other function/file...
import pdb; pdb.set_trace()
some_other_python_code_on_one_line()

I personally get lost sometimes, tracking through many files and having to read the method name and remember where exactly it is. So it can help me keep track if I leave myself a message:

# some function/file...
import pdb; pdb.set_trace()
s = 'Some function/file'
some_python_code_on_one_line()

# some other function/file...
import pdb; pdb.set_trace()
s = 'Some other function/file'
some_other_python_code_on_one_line()

In some cases (when running django on my mac, for example), I can even do this:

# some function/file...
import pdb; pdb.set_trace()
"""Some function/file"""
some_python_code_on_one_line()

... so it actually looks like a bit cleaner, like a comment.

So instead of:

> /path/to/some/file.py(##)method()
-> some_python_code_on_one_line
(Pdb)

You see:

> /path/to/some/file.py(##)some_function()
-> s = 'Some function/file'
(Pdb)

Hope that helps someone.

Django and AJAX image uploads

2010-08-20T00:00:00-06:00

Table of contents:

Demo
Summary
Server side (Django)
Client side
Graceful degradation

Demo

Screencast
Screenshots:
- The upload form, empty and ready for action:
- Browsing for an image:
- Uploading the image (in progress):
- The image is uploaded:
- Deleting the image would show a similar progress block as uploading:

Summary

In this post, we'll go through how to get AJAX uploads to work with Django, including:

csrf protection with Django's forms
graceful degradation (see also unobtrusive JavaScript)
uploading files in Django
thumbnail generation with PIL
cross-browser uploading of files through AJAX

Note: I'm planning to add upload progress. If you can't wait for that post (understandably), there are several ways to go about it:

If your site isn't using multiple webheads, you can just ask the webhead to get you the size of what's been uploaded so far. Since Django can read in chunks, it can tell you how much has been processed. See this post for implementation ideas.
Or, regardless of the server setup, you can use the File API (in Firefox and Chrome) - easier, cleaner, no server-side interaction required.
Other multi-webhead approaches: writing progress to a file shared among them, or saving directly to a shared folder and e.g. returning the size uploaded so far.

Server side (Django)

First, we'll look at how the server handles files sent to it.

Model

I created an app called upload with an ImageAttachment model, like so:

apps/upload/models.py:

from django.conf import settings
from django.contrib.auth.models import User
from django.contrib.contenttypes.models import ContentType
from django.contrib.contenttypes import generic
from django.db import models


class ImageAttachment(models.Model):
    """A tag on an item."""
    file = models.ImageField(upload_to=settings.IMAGE_UPLOAD_PATH)
    thumbnail = models.ImageField(upload_to=settings.THUMBNAIL_UPLOAD_PATH)
    creator = models.ForeignKey(User, related_name='image_attachments')
    content_type = models.ForeignKey(ContentType)
    object_id = models.PositiveIntegerField()

    content_object = generic.GenericForeignKey()

    def __unicode__(self):
        return self.file.name

This represents an image attached to a piece of content (using a generic foreign key). Pretty basic stuff. The form is ridiculously simple:

Form

apps/upload/forms.py:

from django import forms


class ImageUploadForm(forms.Form):
    """Image upload form."""
    image = forms.ImageField()

View (uploading image, saving to disk)

The view is a bit more complicated, so I won't go into the details. But you can have a look at the entire app and contact me if you have questions. Basically, the view does the file upload as you see in Django's documentation. The function create_image_attachment deals with the part about saving a file to disk.

Generating the thumbnail with PIL

There is also a task for generating thumbnails, which is offloaded from the web server thread to improve performance. If you don't need that, you can just call generate_thumbnail directly, it's defined here.

Client side

Now, the magical JavaScript!

We're using jQuery on SUMO, so I wrote two jQuery extensions:

jQuery.fn.ajaxSubmitInput(options) -- wraps an <input type="file"> in a <form> and creates an <iframe> to which that form posts. To get around Django's csrf protection, it also copies the csrfmiddlewaretoken hidden input into the form. You can't clone a file input for security reasons (nor can you change or access its value), so you need to wrap it in a form.
jQuery.fn.wrapDeleteInput(options) -- wraps an input<type="submit"> in a <form> and creates an <iframe> to which that form posts.

These two pretty much summarize the process:

when the user changes the value of the file input, post the form
- show some progress while the file is uploading
- once the file is done uploading, show a thumbnail of the image
- also create the delete input and wrap it in the form using wrapDeleteInput()
- when the user clicks on the delete button, post the action
- show some progress while the file is being deleted

A note about graceful degradation

To degrade gracefully, you want to post the file input to whatever view you're including it to. And you can just do something like:

def some_view(request):
    # ...
    # NOJS: upload image
    if 'upload_image' in request.POST:
        upload_images(request, obj)
    # ...

Thanks for reading, hope it helps!

Full time @ Mozilla, yay!

2010-08-04T00:00:00-06:00

I've been meaning to blog about this for about a month now! Finally, here it is: I started my full time envolvement with Mozilla on July 12, right after an amazing Summit.

What's it like?

First of all I must say that working here is amazing. It's more than just the things we do here -- web browser, mail client, lots of websites and serious community engagement (and many many other things, some of which you can read about on planet, spread firefox, or mozilla.org). It's about the spirit of Mozilla. It goes hand in hand with our manifesto -- our mission is to help make a better internet for everyone (e.g.). To strangers of the Mozilla culture, that may sound like a catchy advertisement, but those who have been in contact with the Mozilla community know the dedication and excitement that drives us, to help drive toward a world in which it's all about real people being able to have and create the world that they want, privately, securely, freely.

As a side note, one of the things a lot of people don't know about Mozilla is that it's a non profit. Yes, that's right. And we're open and always looking for help :)

What changed?

I'd been contracting for Mozilla for the past 2 years, while in college. Working full time is better in many ways, but here are just some that have made a difference for me: * I graduated UCSC, woot! (still waiting for that official diploma, though!) * More focus. Having just one job to focus on, as opposed to other side things that come along with contracting * Oficially, more responsibility and say in decisions, always a good thing! * And a phone line (which I don't use, but it makes me feel important!)

I was never a volunteer, but I was an intern -- that's how I started. I had no idea that I was going to enjoy working here so much. Really, though, it doesn't feel like work.

What's in store for me (and for you)?

Mostly, SUMO. Some things I'm helping with, past and future:

migrating legacy data (which I'll blog about)
a very smooth process for uploading images, with awesome UX thanks to chowse (blog about that too)
a live chat system based on node.js (you guessed! blog post coming)
Getting a Knowledge Base in Django, with cool Wiki and non-Wiki features (see also this).

The end

Thank you, Mozilla, for being so awesome! I'm glad to have the fortune of working here.

If you would like to know more about Mozilla, web development (here and in general), and what I do here, don't hesitate to ask.

May 17-21 status

2010-05-26T00:00:00-06:00

Last week (May 3-7)

a few reviews
activate admin in forums app
implement ACL after serious research
migrate user passwords from Tiki on login
migrate users and discussion-forum related groups from Tiki
assist IT with Friday Pac Man issues
help out new team members, lots of discussion
started work on forms validation and error messages and adding a 403 handler

This week (May 17-21)

posting this late, so I've already reviewed some bugs from James
finish 403 handler, form validation and sphinx config for discussion forums as well as the advanced search UI for it
fix up the wiki parser bugs I meant to get to last week: this and this
start on some 2.2 bugs

Access control in Django, and django-authority

2010-05-22T00:00:00-06:00

The past week I've been working with Django and permissions. I'll talk here about the available options and go into details about the one Kitsune is using.

Here are the options I looked at:

Django's default permissions
AMO's access app
django-authority

Django's default permissions

Read more about this in Django's documentation.

Django provides a convenient and easy to use permissions system. The documentation covers it all, so I'm just going to summarize the pros and cons:

Pros:

Comes with Django (=> robust, well-written and stable)
Permission functions attached to the user object
Per-group permissions and per-user permissions
Model-level (a.k.a. per content_type) permissions (can add custom model-level permissions as well)
Work with Jinja templates, simply use user.has_perm('perm_name')

Cons:

No per-object permissions

AMO's access app

AMO's access app adds some flexibility on assigning permissions with wildcards and also stores the user's groups in request.groups.

Pros:

Flexible way to assign all permissions in a certain group
Does not store permissions in the models Meta class

Cons:

Replaces django's permission system (either use one or the other)
No per-object permissions

To use this, you can do something like this in your views:

from access import acl

# ...

def some_view_action():
    acl.action_allowed(request, 'Group', 'PermissionName')

django-authority

django-authority was the most promising of the three. It adds per-object permissions and wraps Django's default permissions system without forcing an either-or choice. It also has a decent documentation, and although still in draft at the time of this writing, it was enough for me to figure out how to use.

Pros:

Per-object permissions
Wraps Django's default permissions system, so you can use both
Custom permissions
Add permissions to appname/permissions.py, so they are completely separate from the models (unlike Django's permissions)

Cons:

Needs a bit of work to hook in with Jinja templates
Admin functionality not yet complete - the admin form generated by the edit_permissions admin action does not work at the time of this writing. The alternative is not too bad however, you can manually add to the Permission model using that model's admin.

django-authority on Kitsune

We are currently focused on rewriting SUMO's discussion forums. For Kitsune, we have multiple forums and we wanted the ability to have different forum moderators per forum. We're also using Jinja. django-authority comes with default Django template support, so if you're using that, you don't need to write your own template functions/filters.

For Jinja support, just add this to some app's helpers.py

import jinja2
from jingo import register
import authority

# ...

@register.function
@jinja2.contextfunction
def has_perm(context, perm, obj):
    """
    Check if the user has a permission on a specific object.

    Returns boolean.
    """
    check = authority.get_check(context['request'].user, perm)
    return check(obj)

Then, in your templates, you can just use:

{% if has_perm('perm_cls.codename_model', object) %}
{# grats, you've got the perms! #}
{% endif %}

See this link for more information on the perm_cls and codename variables.

If you're interested, here's the Kitsune code.

Hope that helps others who may decide to go this route. Questions and suggestions for improvement are always welcome, of course.

May 3-14 status

2010-05-19T00:00:00-06:00

Two weeks ago (May 3-7)

pushed 2.0/1.5.4 with rest of SUMOdev
- first time had problems with nfs mounts
- second time was a success, yay!
r?d nicer 404/500 handlers
r?d new wsgi script
r?d rewrite for discussion forums, which also cleaned up some of the search rewrites from previous push
r?d posting should update # of replies
threads list view

Last week (May 10-14)

r?d preliminary work on atom feeds
forums list view
wiki markup in discussion forums
filed some new bugs
added some omitted indexes to tiki
re-sync db, to test the SQL fix from above, also had IT run schematic and set up test forum
remove omniture tags from tiki
fix crc32 not working with unicode
discussion with Dave Dash about ACL on AMO

This week (May 17-21)

implement ACL after serious research
activate admin in forums app
help out new team members
fix up some of the wiki parser bugs

April 26-30 status

2010-05-03T00:00:00-06:00

Last week (April 26-30)

awesome webdev onsite
- learned about localization, the mass of krill, and cooking indian food, among other things
kitsune
- r?d use bleach to clean up sphinx results
- r?d remove didyoumean
- r?d htaccess fix for trailing slash in search url
- finish up minor bugs for 2.0
- some work on 2.1 bugs
- started converting the staging database to UTF8 with outage page
- remove YUI dependency from kitsune
- add WebTrends tracking
- investigating missing excerpts
tiki

This week (May 3-7)

kitsune
- pick up some of the bugs filed by James
- push 2.0/1.5.4 with rest of SUMOdev
  - in particular: ensure UTF8 conversion of database goes well
    - team goal: handle all anonymous-access forums actions and views

April 19-25 status

2010-04-25T00:00:00-06:00

Last week (April 19-25)

kitsune
- r?d adding sumo-dev to receive useful stack traces from kitsune
- r?d improved maintenance of locales, go James!
- r?d kitsune documentation
- r?d better handling of timeouts for excerpts and merged
- r?d unicode improvements, adding sumo.utils.urlencode and merged
- r?d fixing an IE6/7 bug
- r?d case insensitive Accept-Language for Opera, Chrome, Safari
- r?d adding a search plugin
- fix pagination on IE6
- adding two new supported locales
- finished lots of tests for search filters and JSON for all
- finished the remaining 2.0 bugs with the rest of the SUMOdev team
- installed mod_wsgi locally with help of James' docs
- assisted with IT bugs to convert the database to UTF8 according to this bug
- debugging server issues for kitsune stage
- begin work on milestone 2.1
tiki
- r?d using kitsune for search on stage-new
- filed patch for adding WebTrends to SUMO for tracking
- revert a notifications bug for articles
- add .htaccess rewrites for Fx3.7 help topic: keyboard shortcuts
- debugging screencast bug on mobile

This week (April 26-30)

WebDev onsite! Excited to hang out with the team.
kitsune
- work on forums and other 2.1 stuff
- prepare for kitsune push, potential QA bugs
tiki
- prepare for 1.5.4 push, potential QA bugs
- figure out screencast bug

Introduction to testing in Kohana 3

2010-04-25T00:00:00-06:00

Table of contents:

Introduction to introduction
Resources
Setup
Running tests
Writing tests
Test suites
Up next

Introduction

I'm working on a project largely written in Kohana and JavaScript + jQuery. (Under construction at fastask.net.) It's getting complicated enough to be worth having tests for it. While I'm at it, I'll blog about the process, for several reasons:

There aren't that many resources on Kohana 3 and testing out there, I've found.
Testing is hugely important for complex projects.
Testing JavaScript is new to me (and fairly uncommon practice on the web, still).
I plan to make this project publicly available fairly soon and it's an opportunity to share information about it with my readers :)

Along the way I will write about:

Writing tests in Kohana 3, the basics (this post)
Writing JavaScript + jQuery tests
- so far I'm set on using JS Test Driver with QUnit or YUI Test
- In-depth testing: using fixtures and mock objects, understanding code coverage, and more

Resources

Testing on Kohana 3 is easy. It's so easy, in fact, that I've written tests covering almost 1000 lines of code over one weekend.

Here are the necessary resources to get you going:

The Kohana 3 unittest module, awesomely written by the Kohana team (thanks guys!)
PHPUnit
PHPUnit's brilliant documentation
unittest's documentation, I mostly used it for grouping tests

Setup

Install PHPUnit. See their documentation.
- I'm using Ubuntu and the package manager offers a relatively recent version. But, I wanted the latest. Installing it from source was so quick that I can't remember if I had any problems with it :)
- Git a copy the unittest module: git submodule add git://github.com/kohana/unittest.git modules/unittest
- Follow their installation instructions
- I wanted code coverage reports. At the time of writing, these require the archive module, but they really don't have to. So I forked their unittest repo and rolled my own. My unittest repository doesn't require the archive module. I'll write about code coverage in a later post.

You're all set!

Running tests

I'm using the UI provided by the unittest module. That means I've added a route to it in my bootstrap.php file, and I'm accessing it at http://mysite/phpunit. From there, I pick the group of tests that I wish to run, and examine the results. Yep, it's that easy.

Here's how it looks:

Writing tests

Start by reading the PHPUnit documentation. It's full of great examples. My project is fairly complex, and so I'm using TestSuites, TestCases, and fixtures. I will write about the latter in subsequent posts.

Here is a simple example of a TestCase:

<?php // application/tests/test_example.php

/**
 * Logged out, 403 forbidden everywhere.
 * @group anonymous
 * @group invalid
 */
class AnonymousTest extends PHPUnit_Framework_TestCase {
    protected function setUp() {
        Kohana::config('database')->default = Kohana::config('database')
                                                ->unit_testing;
    }

    function testFastask() {
        $fastask = new Controller_Fastask(new Request('in/t'));
        $fastask->action_t();
        $response = $fastask->request;
        $this->assertSame($response->headers['Content-Type'],
                          'application/json' );
        $this->assertSame($response->status, 403);
    }

    // ... more tests here ...
}

So what's happening here?

Use @group to pile tests together. I'm using the UI at http://mysite/phpunit to pick which to run at any time.
The anonymous group is handy to run all tests for actions performed by anonymous users.
You can use multiple groups, as many as you want.

I'm using an MySQL database to test in this example. This is a quick way to set the database Kohana uses when running tests:

Kohana::config('database')->default = Kohana::config('database')
                                        ->unit_testing;

Set up a test database in MySQL and configure access to it in application/config/database.php
I have multiple tests, hence the setUp() method. If you only have one test, don't use this.

Test suites

Again, the PHPUnit documentation is golden.

Test suites come in handy when multiple tests can use the same setup. You can also share fixtures between tests this way. My main reason for using test suites was actually the gain in speed. This next example shows why.

<?php // application/tests/testsuite_fastask_search.php

/**
 * This suite tests search functionality in the main controller.
 * @group authenticated
 * @group fastask
 * @group fastask.search
 */
class FastaskSearchTestSuite extends PHPUnit_Framework_TestSuite
{
    public static function suite()
    {
        include_once '/path/to/kohana/application/testcases/' .
            'test_fastask_search.php';
        return new FastaskSearchTestSuite('FastaskSearchTest');
    }

    protected function setUp()
    {
        // Set database connection and log in the user.
        Kohana::config('database')->default = Kohana::config('database')
                                                ->unit_testing;
        Auth::instance()->login(TEST_USERNAME, TEST_PASSWORD);

        // Index data and start up the search daemon
        exec('indexer --all --config ' . SPHINX_CONF);
        exec('searchd --config ' . SPHINX_CONF);
    }

    protected function tearDown()
    {
        // Reset logins and log out the user
        $test_user         = Auth::instance()->get_user();
        $test_user->logins = 1;
        $test_user->save();
        Auth::instance()->logout();

        // Stop the search daemon
        exec('killall searchd');
    }
}

Explanation:

TEST_USERNAME and TEST_PASSWORD are used for multiple test suites, so I defined them in application/config/phpunit.php
I'm using the Sphinx search engine here to search through data. So I need to tell Sphinx to index my test data and start up the search daemon.
Obviously, doing this for every search test is gonna slow things down a lot.
I'm doing all these tests for authenticated users, so logging in and out for every test is also a waste.

Next, some test cases.

<?php // application/testcases/test_fastask_search.php

/**
 * @group loggedin
 * @group fastask
 * @group fastask.search
 */
class FastaskSearchTest extends PHPUnit_Framework_TestCase
{
    /**
     * Sets the data for search.
     */
    function providerSearch()
    {
        /* format for each test:
            array(
                search term
                status code to expect
        */
        return array(
            array('s' => 'asdfgh', 404),
            array('s' => '', 404),
            array('s' => 'nulla', 200),  // One of those lorem-ipsum results
        );
    }

    /**
     * Test search.
     * @dataProvider providerSearch
     */
    function testSearch($search, $status)
    {
        $_GET = array(
            'ep' => 1,
            's'  => $search,
        );
        $fastask = new Controller_Fastask(new Request('in/t'));
        $fastask->before();
        $fastask->action_t();
        $response = $fastask->request;

        $this->assertSame($response->headers['Content-Type'],
                          'application/json' );
        $this->assertSame($response->status, $status);

        $json = json_decode($response->response);
        $count = count($json->tasks);
        if ($count > 0) {
            foreach ($json->tasks as $task) {
                $follower_ids = array();
                foreach($task->followers as $follower) {
                    $follower_ids[] = $follower->id;
                }
                $follower_ids[] = $task->user_id;

                $this->assertContains(TEST_USER_ID, $follower_ids);
            }
        }
    }
}

The test case looks basically the same as it would if it were stand alone, but it has no setUp() or tearDown(). I was too lazy to write a separate test for having results, so I check the $count for testing the actual data.

Up next

Stay tuned for Kohana tests using fixtures, getting and using code coverage reports, and mock objects. Also, JavaScript tests!

April 12-16 status

2010-04-16T00:00:00-06:00

Last week (April 12-16)

kitsune
- r? cool vim indenting in templates
- r? minify bug 550515
- finish converting our current database from latin1 to utf8 after lots of painful dealing with data
- fix advanced search form logic, deals with default values, validation, cleanup. fixes a few other bugs in the process
- fix json results and add lots of tests
- fix search results sorting
- IT bugs to truncate a table, sync stage db with prod and convert the database to UTF8 according to this bug
tiki
- session fixes required for kitsune integration filed and reviewed
- fix and review some security vulnerabilities on mobile

This week (April 19-23)

kitsune
- finish the remaining kitsune bugs with the rest of the SUMOdev team
- finish UTF conversion of the database
- prepare for kitsune push, potential QA bugs
- begin work on discussion forums -- milestone 2.1
- install mod_wsgi and run tiki in parallel with kitsune locally
- discuss/learn more about Test Driven Development
tiki
- finish adding WebTrends to SUMO for tracking

April 5-9 status

2010-04-11T00:00:00-06:00

Last week (April 5-9)

kitsune
- r? exclude staging articles from search, which also includes sphinx tests, reviewed again later after a fix to not require FORCE_DB
- r? l10n -> tower rename
- r? add JINJA_CONFIG() for string extraction and caching
- quick look at minify in kitsune, TODO next week
- fixed duplicate page param in paginator URL
- spent most of the week converting our current database from latin1 to utf8
tiki
- started work on adding WebTrends to SUMO for tracking
- push desktop 1.5.3 on Tuesday — see bugs

This week (April 12-16)

kitsune
- r? minify bug 550515
- r? tiki patch for django sessions
- r? cool vim indenting in templates
- finish up character encoding conversion
- finish up when to trigger advanced search
- finish getting sessions into kitsune, i.e. fix any issues spotted by davedash/jbalogh/jsocol on bug 553131
tiki
- finish adding WebTrends to SUMO for tracking

Stretch goals

search summaries are Jinja-friendly

Embrangler: Moving to Jekyll

2010-03-21T00:00:00-06:00

It took only three days to migrate my blog from Wordpress to Jekyll. For anyone who plans to do this, I'm summarizing the whole process below.

Table of contents:

Why change?
Why Jekyll?
Migration process
Conclusion

Why change?

While I realize Wordpress the most popular blogging platform for a reason, I was bothered by the workflow involved with having a WP blog. Some of the (arguable) inconveniences I found were:

the WYSIWYG editor doesn't handle some of the markup I would like (headings, tables aren't great either), so I would constantly switch between the Visual and HTML tabs to format things the way I wanted to. While I realize this could be fixed by customizing the editor, why should I have to do that? Plus, I have long given up hope of the ideal WYSIWYG editor. Besides not handling markup very well, it would sometimes reformat some of my plain HTML and break it.
creating posts is pretty much the only thing I do. I don't use categories, tags, or any other features. Yet I had this admin area cluttered with features.
I'm not too fond of WP's version control. I would often see the message that "a more recent version of this post is available" erroneously, I'm still not sure why. While changing versions worked well enough, I find the idea of an actual version control system more appealing.
My blog could use a redesign. For a while, I was using the Carrington Text theme, which was ok but not great. I wanted to make it feel more like my blog -- no sidebar, larger font, a better home page to name a few.

Why Jekyll?

A few weeks before I decided to switch off of Wordpress, I found out about static site-generator engines alternatives that would use available version control software such as git or svn. After looking around I hesitated to switch to any of these because they were mostly Ruby-based, and I was unfamliar with how they work. However, all other alternatives seem to be heading towards full-fledged CMS's.

A quick note on static sites: they have virtually no security holes (well, in theory), because there is no server-side handling of data submission. I'm using a VPS too, so I was fond of having less CPU usage on the server (due to not having to process, say, PHP scripts for Wordpress).

Some of the alternatives to Jekyll that I considered are Toto, StaceyApp, Chyrp, Subtext and Typo. I picked Jekyll for two main reasons: * popularity -- looking at the project's github watches/forks * documentation and examples -- there is actually a Sites page, leading to other sites and their github hosted sources, immensely helpful when starting out

Migration process

I followed these instructions:

... and started by looking at Tom Preston-Werner's blog and its source on github.

Migrating posts

After I got the redesign to look good on Jekyll, the next step was migrating my Wordpress posts. Fortunately, there is documentation for that too.

Unfortunately, the automatic migration did not convert some of the markup very well, such as LaTex, images with captions, most lists and links. Yet I had less than 15 posts, so I just went through them and checked everything. Because I'm using LaTeX in some of my posts, I used maruku (instead of rdiscount) to parse them. I couldn't find LaTeX support for rdiscount, which is a faster parser.

I'm also using lsi for related posts, and python-pygments for syntax highlighting. The latter is simply a wonderful tool, and I recommend it to anyone posting code on the web. Of course, all of these are documented in the Jekyll documentation, so it was easy to get it all working.

The code for this site is up on github as well, so you can check it out there to see how it works.

Migrating comments

This took me about 20 minutes :), following these instructions.

Server setup and more

I actually didn't want to install jekyll on my server, and preferred to do all the generating locally. My server only works with plain html this way. The one thing I did do, however, was use github's post-receive-hook service. I ended up having something similar to this:

github posts data to a php file on my server
this file verifies the posted data, logs the commit, and runs a C script.
the C script runs git pull

Here's the code for all of this:

php script

Update: James pointed out that my security measures weren't good enough, so I updated the script. If you don't care much for security, you may prefer automated publishing. See my second script, below.

<?php

$check = auth();
if (!$check) die;

echo '<pre>';
echo exec('/path/to/site/pull_script');
echo '</pre>';

function auth() {
    // do some parameter checking here
    // and return true when matches
}

To make things even more awesome, I bookmarked this URL using Firefox's keywords, so I only need to type one character to publish ;)

Here is my second script, which does automatic publishing.

<?php

if (!$_POST['payload']) {
    header('HTTP/1.0 403 Forbidden');
    exit;
}

define('HOOKLOG', '../logs/hooks.log');
$fh = fopen(HOOKLOG, 'w') or die("Can't open file");
$data = '';

$hook = json_decode($_POST['payload']);

if ($hook->repository->owner->name != 'pcraciunoiu') {
    header('HTTP/1.0 403 Forbidden');
    exit;
}

$cs = $hook->commits;

foreach ($cs as $c) {
    $data .= $c->timestamp . "\n";
    $data .= $c->author->name
        . ' (' . $c->author->email . ')'
        . ' pushed to ' . $hook->repository->url . "\n"
        . 'View commit at ' . $c->url . "\n"
        . "\n\nCommit message was:\n" . $c->message . "\n\n"
    ;
}

fwrite($fh, $data);
fclose($fh);

// set this to your path
exec('/path/to/site/pull_script');

There are two important security measures in the first script:

it not write to a file, so if it gets hit by someone trying to find the secret codes, my server's disk doesn't perform intensive IO
it does not hint in any way at parameter names, number of parameters that must be submitted, or whether they should be submitted through GET or POST -- if you don't get the right values, you don't see anything

the c file

#include <stddef.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <unistd.h>

int main(void) {
    execl("/usr/bin/git", "git", "pull", "origin", "master",
        (const char *) NULL);

    return EXIT_FAILURE;
}

Compile this with

gcc pull_script.c -o pull_script

So now, every time I push to github, the server automatically updates. Really cool way of publishing!

Conclusion

I enjoy using git, and having a static site. My comments are offloaded to a separate server, and I write plain text files using the markdown syntax. My blog gets published when I visit a bookmarked URL.

Goodbye Wordpress!

Quoteden: Moving to Kohana 3

2010-03-12T00:00:00-07:00

This post is written in collaboration with Marius Craciunoiu, my brother, and designer of Quote Den and other sites.

Hooray! 2 weeks after it started, Quote Den's migration from Drupal 6 to Kohana 3 is complete. This post offers a summary of that process, and lists some of the design improvements and implementation accomplishments. Along the way, it links to some of the resources used.

Table of contents:

Why change?
Redesign details
Implementation process
Conclusion

Why change?

First of all, why the change? The reason for the change is threefold.

Redesign opportunity - First of all, Quote Den needed a redesign. Almost every part of the site was going to be affected. This was a great opportunity to move on to a better platform.
Ease of development - The (H)MVC model is a pleasure to work with, and once you get it, it's clear where your code goes, when you want to do something. While Drupal uses a similar model (module is similar to controller, template is similar to view), it is not exactly a breeze to develop in, and having worked with several, drupal sites, must say Kohana is much nicer.
Flexibility - Using custom built models in a framework allows for more flexibility and ultimately control over the application. Basically, you can make it do what you want without having to hack it.
Performance - Kohana is a fairly simple framework. Compared to Zend, for example, it offers fewer features and is perfect for a simpler website such as Quote Den. We didn't need all of the features that Drupal offers either. Finally, Kohana works quite a bit faster than Drupal for Quote Den's purposes. As a comparison, the new site now loads in ~0.5s versus ~0.75s on my computer (over an average of 20 page loads). Here is a YSlow comparison of new versus old. Content caching is not yet in place.

Redesign details

In terms of design, the old site suffered quite a bit. Some of the pre-launch issues include:

lacking a clear and consistent navigation
inconsistent design across the website
inconsistent spacing and centering of elements
search pages were not very useful
individual quote pages were almost empty (now they list related quotes)
there was no link to the landing page (besides the logo)
Drupal and the quotes module did not offer good administrative options
the site had no contact link

The rest of this section summarizes some of the improvements in more detail.

Search engine

The older search was the default Drupal search, presumably using MySQL fulltext search. The new implementation uses Sphinx search, which does stemming, and searches for other inflections of the same word. For example, searching for "hopeless" includes results with "hopelessness", or searching for "loving" includes results with "love". The new search is also much faster, at least in part because it does not need to query the database. You can read more about Sphinx search here. It is worth noting that Drupal could also be configured with Sphinx.

When we first designed the website, we wanted it to be as simple as possible. This meant stripping it down of all features except the basics: a page to list quotes and a search function. Later on, this became a problem because we added other features, such as the Top Rated page and categories for each quote. We wanted to add a Top Rated link to the header, but there wasn't a good place for it. If it were placed next to the search bar, it seemed to be the label for the input box, but if it were placed too far away, it looked alienated.

Top Rated placement in previous design

This issue was solved with the introduction of the tabbed navigation menu. The Top Rated tab is now located next to the "Newest" tab. The menu also solved another issue: the user can now see which page they are located on because the active tab changes color.

Top Rated placement in new design

Polishing the design

One of the issues with the old Quote Den was an inconsistent design. For example, the heading "Top Rated Quotes" did not match the general style of the website. To solve this, we removed page headings altogether. The active page is now shown by the navigation menu.

Top Rated page is now consistent with new design (left)

The search page looked completely different than the rest of the website. Users could click anywhere on the quote to go to the individual quote, although there was no distinction made to indicate this. The quote ID and rating were missing from the results, which diminishes their value across the website and possibly discourages users from rating. If no one would see the rating while searching, then what's the point of rating? The search page is now styled just like the other pages. In terms of usability, we made it easier for users to find what they're looking for. If users see a quote they like in the search results, they can vote on it right away.

Search uses highlighting and is also consistent

Part of perfecting the design was to balance all the elements on the page. The first and foremost stage in this process was to make sure all the elements are equally apart from their surrounding elements. For example, the ID and Rating were closer to the bottom of the quote than the top. Second, the stars were too small to balance the visual weight of the ID. To solve these problems, we enlarged the stars and centered them with the quote area.

Balance in whitespace and larger stars (on the left)

Administrative Options

Admin: quote creation form (left is new)

Although probably none of you may see this anytime soon, one of the reasons we redesigned Quote Den was because it was a pain to add quotes. The add form was incredibly complex. To give you an idea of how BIG this thing was, you should know it had:

Before	and	After
9 input fields 2 drop down menus 6 radio buttons 5 check boxes 48 lines of text	vs	3 input fields 4 lines of text

Quote creation form, improvements

Feedback

Of course no website would be complete without the almighty contact us link, so we added one on the bottom. We hope our viewers will contact us about anything related to the website, whether that is feedback on the site or suggestions on the quotes themselves.

Implementation process

We actually started with Kohana 2, unsure about how easy it will be to migrate. A major concern was how quickly we could get Quote Den up and running on the new platform. Following tutorials (mostly, a blog tutorial), getting a simple quote+author page going was quick and painless, so we decided to go ahead and use Kohana.

As soon as the quote and author models were finalized and tested to work, a quick attempt at a migration was necessary. This turned out to be quick and easy.

Next, we had templates. Using Kohana's Controller_Template, set up Controller_Quote. Then wrote a quotes template (under views/quotes/quotes.php, extending views/base/template.php).

Afterwards, we added minify, categories, author pages. Since quotes use categories everywhere they are displayed, a good option was to overwrote the quote model constructor to always grab the related categories, sorted.

<?php
class Model_Quote extends ORM {
  // ...
  public function __construct($id = NULL) {
    parent::__construct($id);
    $this->_object['categories_list'] = $this->categories
         ->order_by('name', 'asc')
         ->find_all();
  }
}

Then pagination. There is a simple pagination module documented on the unofficial wiki which works beautifully.

On to search. We decided on using Sphinx, since Paul is already familiar with it from SUMO and knew how to set it up. Sphinx has many advantages - it scales, it's fast, it's powerful and customizable. There is a bit of a learning curve to it, but you can mostly learn by examples. Paul started with SUMO's sphinx.conf and drastically simplified it, then modified it to match my database structure. Finally, set up a crontab on my VPS to reindex and rotate every 24 hours.

The final crucial aspect was having a way to add and edit content. This required user authentication -- which, fortunately, comes with Kohana 3 and works well. We just use the default auth module and we haven't had any problems. Here's a code sample:

<?php
// application/classes/controller/user.php
  public function action_login() {
    // ...
    // if posted data
    if ($_POST) {
    $user = ORM::factory('user');

    // check auth
    if ($user->login($_POST)) {
      // redirect to my account
    } else {
      $view->errors = $_POST->errors('login');
      $this->template->title = 'Error logging in';
      return ;
    }
  }
}

After this, all that was left was the rating system. After some searching for good ways to do it using only CSS, we found a great one here, and then went on to write a model/controller for it. Rating only works through javascript at the moment, but that will change once we implement a mobile-friendly version.

Setting up an RSS feed took Paul literally 20 minutes, and then the final page left to write was the Top Rated page.

To top it off, we have also put in place a bunch of .htaccess RewriteRules for handling redirects from old Drupal URLs.

Conclusion

So that's it. The Quote Den Drupal->Kohana work summarized. The benefits: performance improvements of more than 50% (in page load time), more flexibility, consistency in the design, and Sphinx search.

And if you're learning Kohana, and would like some help, shoot us a comment below.

Upgrading Windows Vista or 7RC to Windows 7 on dual boot with Linux (Ubuntu)

2010-02-27T00:00:00-07:00

As you may or may not know, the Windows 7 RC/beta/other releases expire at the latest on March 1st, 2 days from now. So I had to spend some time this weekend upgrading to a full Windows 7. Fortunately, my school offers Windows 7 Professional for free if you're an engineering student (so we do get special treatment, aw!).

Anyway, if you're like me, you're dual booting Windows + Linux, and you have to reinstall Windows, you were probably using GRUB to boot into your OS. Well, as it turns out, reinstalling Windows wipes out GRUB from the boot record. Oh no! What to do?

Fortunately, the solution is simple. I searched for "restore grub" and found this excellent guide.

The summary:

Get a Ubuntu Live CD and boot from it.

Then run these in your terminal:

sudo -i

# get a list of your partitions in /dev/sdX format
fdisk -l

# if you can't decide which one is your linux
# partition (see the System column?)
df -Th # lists partitions with size and % used

# mount your Ubuntu partition, mine was sda4
mount /dev/sdXY /mnt #

# install grub on the partition, mine was sda
grub-install --root-directory=/mnt /dev/sdX

# be nice and unmount it, to avoid problems
umount /mnt

Reboot. Done! Your old GRUB shows up now.

So that's it. Hope this helps you avoid reinstalling Linux, which is really unnecessary :)

My SUMO local development environment

2010-01-04T00:00:00-07:00

Summary

A while back, James wrote about his development environment. I wanted to summarize my approach, and go into a bit more detail about the specific setup you would need to have SUMO work locally. For more information, see also this wiki page.

My LDE: Ubuntu Linux

My LDE is slightly different: I dual boot Windows 7 and Kubuntu 9.10. As of now I'm still a student, and I work on my own machine. There are several reasons I find dual booting a great solution:

Best performance while developing. Although less and less of an issue, being in the native OS is always be faster than running a VM.
A full powered OS that I can use for other work. I do schoolwork and other contracting work, and sometimes Windows is not an option. Even a VM has its limitations when it comes to certain drivers (one example is audio -- which I needed for a graphics project)
Keeps my work and pleasure separate -- having dual boot is basically like having two machines. Typically, when I'm in Linux, I do work, otherwise I'm in Windows to do personal things.

The only downside is some additional wait time for rebooting if you need to switch to the other OS. Since I work on Linux only, I rarely need to switch while working. However, everything works fine for me on Linux -- sound, video, even webcam and VPN (will blog later about all of these).

LAMP

For web development in general, you'll need to have the LAMP stack installed. Fortunately, Ubuntu provides an easy way to do this in one line. From a terminal, run:

sudo tasksel

Select LAMP server from the list, and choose OK (TAB + ENTER). Follow the steps to choose a MySQL password and any other configuration there may be. Once that's done, you should be able to go to http://localhost and see the "It works!" text. Here are some useful paths:

Web root: /var/www/
Hosts file: /etc/hosts
Apache sites: /etc/apache2/sites-available/ and /etc/apache2/sites-enabled/
PHP ini: /etc/php5/apache2/php.ini
MySQL ini: /etc/php5/conf.d/mysql.ini

SUMO setup

What you'll need:

LAMP stack -- see above
A host (optional) -- see below
SSL -- see this guide
Sphinx -- see this guide
Memcached -- I just install the package and that's enough: sudo apt-get install memcached php5-memcache
Virtualbox (optional) -- for testing: sudo apt-get install virtualbox
A copy of our database -- you may ask James, Laura or myself for this -- see how, below
SVN -- sudo apt-get install subversion
Checking out and configuring the SUMO codebase -- see this guide

To set up a SUMO host, I add the entry for it in /etc/hosts. Here is the top of my file:

127.0.0.1   localhost
127.0.1.2   sumo

Then, add the site info to apache. Here's my complete conf file (with SSL), in /etc/apache2/sites-available/sumo:

<VirtualHost 127.0.1.2:80>
    ServerAdmin webmaster@sumo
    ServerName sumo
    ServerAlias sumo
    DocumentRoot /var/www/trunk/webroot
    <Directory /var/www/trunk/webroot>
        Options Indexes FollowSymLinks MultiViews
        AllowOverride All
        Order allow,deny
        allow from all
    </Directory>
</VirtualHost>

<IfModule mod_ssl.c>
<VirtualHost _default_:443>

    ServerAdmin webmaster@sumo
    ServerName sumo
    ServerAlias sumo
    DocumentRoot /var/www/trunk/webroot
    <Directory /var/www/trunk/webroot>
        Options Indexes FollowSymLinks MultiViews
        AllowOverride All
        Order allow,deny
        allow from all
    </Directory>
    SSLEngine on
    SSLCertificateFile /etc/apache2/ssl/apache.pem
</VirtualHost>
</IfModule>

To enable the site, just do this:

cd /etc/apache2/sites-enabled
sudo ln -s ../sites-available/sumo

Then, restart apache:

sudo /etc/init.d/apache2 restart

Testing

For testing, I also use a VM in VirtualBox, running WinXP with multiple IEs. I chose WinXP to save space -- only takes up 3GB. You should allow 4GB just in case you want to install more stuff. Using multiple IEs is not the best, as quirksmode points out, so you may consider running a VM for each IE version you wish to test. However, I haven't experienced that many problems. On WinXP I've also installed Firefox (of course), Chrome, and Opera. On Ubuntu I just use the defaults: Firefox and Konqueror (since I'm running Kubuntu).

Help?

I've tried to cover everything, but of course there may be stuff I missed. If you need additional info, you may leave a comment. To obtain a copy of our database, you can find us on IRC or contact us by email.

My list of Firefox add-ons

2009-11-15T00:00:00-07:00

UPDATE (27 Feb 2010) BarTab is an awesome extension.

BarTab
Better Gmail 2
Dummy Lipsum
Firebug
Fission
Gmail Notifier
Hide Menubar - ~~Now part of Firefox 3.6~~
Jetpack (only Mozilla specific jetpacks yet)
Live HTTP headers
Personas - ~~Now part of Firefox 3.6, but I keep the addon~~
Read It Later
Tabs Open Relative - ~~Now part of Firefox 3.6~~
Weave
Web Developer
Yahoo! Mail Notifier
YSlow

Other potentially useful that I haven't installed:

Hacking Wordpress: check contact messages for spam using Wordpress' built-in Akismet spam for comments

2009-11-14T00:00:00-07:00

This article explains how to easily create a contact form with spam filtering in Wordpress.

Duration: 30 minutes
Demo: http://awesomemath.org/ (see footer)
Software: Wordpress 2.8.6 (latest as of this writing)

Don't you wish there was a nice and easy Wordpress plugin to add a contact form anywhere on your site, with the benefit of spam filtering without Captchas? I do. And that's what prompted me to do things this way.

Why not use Captchas? Hey, don't take my word for it: other people have spent time showing why. In short, Captchas are not user friendly, and, frankly, to me, they are frustrating. Every time I want to send a comment or submit some data to a website - bam, I have to spend that extra few to stare at some deformed text. I hate Captchas.

So what instead? Well, you're in luck: Wordpress offers a free, well-integrated spam service called Akismet, which works really well, and is integrated into Wordpress by default.

This article shows you how to quickly integrate Akismet into a contact form, and it's all built from scratch.

Step 1: The frontend (HTML + PHP + jQuery)

I needed my contact form to be on every page (in the footer), so I created a widget. I used the ExecPHP plugin to include PHP code in it. I also limit submission to 1 every so often, based on a cookie. I also use jQuery to submit this form with AJAX for a snappy sense of response ;)

Step 1a: The HTML and PHP:

<div id="contact_thanks" <?php
  if (!$_GET['contacted'] && !$_COOKIE['examplesite_contact'])
    echo 'style="display:none;"';
?>>
    Thank you for contacting example site!
</div>
<?php if (!$_GET['contacted'] && !$_COOKIE['examplesite_contact']) { ?>
<form id="contact_form" method="post" action="">
    <div id="contact_msgbox" style="display:none;">
        Put contact information here.
    </div>
    <div id="contact_error" style="display: none">
        <a href="#" class="contact_error_close" "Dismiss message">x</a>
        We couldn't submit your form for one or more of the following reasons:
        <ul>
            <li>All fields must be longer than 5 characters</li>
            <li>You must provide a valid email</li>
        </ul>
        Please resolve the above problems for the highlighted fields
        and try again.
    </div>
    <div id="contact_info" style="display: none">
        <a href="#" class="contact_error_close" "Dismiss message">x</a>
        <p><strong>E-mail:</strong> <a href="#" id="contact_email_addr">
        <img src="/photos/email.png" alt="email" /></a><br/>
    </div>
    <label id="contact_message_label">Message:
        <br/>
        <textarea rows="5" cols ="25" name="contact_message"
            id="contact_message" tabindex="3" ></textarea>
    </label>
    <label>Name:
        <br/>
        <input type="text" name="contact_name" tabindex="1"
            id="contact_name" />
    </label>
    <br/>
    <label>Email:
        <br/>
        <input type="text" name="contact_email" tabindex="2"
           id="contact_email" />
    </label>
    <div class="btn-panel">
        <a class="btn btn-brown" href="#" id="contact_form_info">
            Contact Info
        </a>
        <input type="submit" name="contact" value="Submit"
            class="btn btn-green" />
    </div><!-- btn-panel -->
</form>
<?php } ?>

That may look a bit complicated, but let's strip this down to understand what's going on. At first, we wish to display a thank you message if the form was submitted -- either recently (through a cookie), or right after submission (using the URL parameter "contacted"). So, we hide the thank you message in any other situation. If the form hasn't been submitted recently, we show it. This, too, breaks down into parts:

I included a contact information box, too, but you may find that unnecessary. See the demo to get the picture.
I also include an error message box, to help validate the submitted contact information.
Finally, the inputs themselves, Name, Email and Message, each using tabindex attributes to ensure that the user fills them out in this order. Since, in my layout, the <textarea> comes before the two <input>, I need to use tabindex. I'm using this layout because I intend to float the <textarea> to the right. Then, the submit button and contact info button are grouped together in &div class="btn-panel">

Step 1b: The jQuery:

var MIN_FIELDLENGTH = 5;
var EMAIL_PREFIX = 'me';
var EMAIL_END = 'examplesite.com';
jQuery(document).ready(function($) {
    function is_valid_email_address(email_address) {
        var pattern = new RegExp(/^(("[\w-\s]+")|([\w-]+(?:\.[\w-]+)*)|("[\w-\s]+")([\w-]+(?:\.[\w-]+)*))(@((?:[\w-]+\.)*\w[\w-]{0,66})\.([a-z]{2,6}(?:\.[a-z]{2})?)$)|(@\[?((25[0-5]\.|2[0-4][0-9]\.|1[0-9]{2}\.|[0-9]{1,2}\.))((25[0-5]|2[0-4][0-9]|1[0-9]{2}|[0-9]{1,2})\.){2}(25[0-5]|2[0-4][0-9]|1[0-9]{2}|[0-9]{1,2})\]?$)/i);
        return pattern.test(email_address);
    }
    function validate_submission(field) {
        if (field) {
            var fields = [field];
        }
        else {
            var fields = ['name', 'email', 'message'];
        }
        var returnval = true;
        var text;
        for (var i in fields) {
            text = $('#contact_'+fields[i]).val();
            minlen = MIN_FIELDLENGTH;
            if (fields[i] == 'message') minlen *= 10;
            if ((text.length < minlen)
                || ((fields[i] == 'email')
                && !is_valid_email_address($('#contact_'+fields[i]).val())))
            {
                $('#contact_'+fields[i]).attr('class', 'chighlight');
                returnval = false;
            }
            else {
                $('#contact_'+fields[i]).attr('class', '');
            }
        };
        return returnval;
    }
    $('#contact_name').keypress(function() {
        validate_submission('name');
    });
    $('#contact_email').keypress(function() {
        validate_submission('email');
    });
    $('#contact_message').keypress(function() {
        validate_submission('message');
    });

    $('#contact_form').submit(function () {
        if (validate_submission()) {
            var formInput = $(this).serialize();
            $.post('/contact_form.php', formInput, function(data){
                $('#contact_form').hide();
                $('#contact_thanks').show();
            });
        }
        else if (showing_message != 1) {
            showing_message = 1;
            $('#contact_msgbox').html($('#contact_error').html());
            $('#contact_msgbox').addClass('error')
                                .removeClass('message').show();
            if (msg_timeout) clearTimeout(msg_timeout);
            msg_timeout = setTimeout(function(){ close_msgbox(); }, 10000);
        }
        return false;
    });

    $('#contact_form_info').click(function () {
        if (showing_message == 2) {
            close_msgbox();
            return false;
        }
        $('#contact_msgbox').html($('#contact_info').html());
        $('#contact_msgbox').removeClass('error')
                            .addClass('message').show();
        showing_message = 2;
        if (msg_timeout) clearTimeout(msg_timeout);
        msg_timeout = setTimeout(function(){ close_msgbox(); }, 10000);
        return false;
    });

    function close_msgbox() {
        $('#contact_msgbox').hide();
        showing_message = 0;
        return false;
    }

   function email_link() {
        window.location = "mailto:" + EMAIL_PREFIX + "@" + EMAIL_END;
        return false;
    }
    $('#contact_msgbox a:first-child').live('click', close_msgbox);
    $('#contact_email_addr').live('click', function() {
      return email_link();
    });
});

Okay. First we have a constant for the minimum length of each field. In the validation function, validate_submission(), fields get checked against this length. There's a special case for the <textarea>, which has a minimum length of the constant value * 10 (times ten). Then two constants making up the email address for clicking on the image -- this is nice, it keeps the functionality of the mailto: link, but protects it from spam. I doubt bots are smart enough to do string concatenation for every site they visit :)

is_valid_email_address() validates an email using a regex. There's tons of these on the web. I wanted mine to be not too long, but long enough :)
validate_submission() either valides a certain field, or validates the entire form (latter if no parameters are passed
The next three are jQuery events for onkeypress in the form fields. They just call the validation function for each field. To make this even better (but a bit more CPU intensive), you may consider additional events on blur or change.
Next up, the submit function. This validates the entire form and submits data through ajax, using jQuery's built-in $.post call. Ideally, you should expect some kind of data response after posting, and show a thank you message based on that (or error otherwise) to ensure best functionality for the user, but I didn't bother.
Finally, we have the close button functionality, with a timeout. At the end, we add events for email and bindings for the close button. You can read about all of these in jQuery's wonderful documentation.

Step 2: The backend (PHP)

This is fairly short :)

<?php
define('DEFAULT_POST_ID', post_id_here);
/* Contact form handling here */
if ($_POST['contact']) {
    require_once( '/wp-load.php' );
    $contact_invalid = array();
    $contact_data = array();
    $contact_data['name'] = filter_var($_POST['contact_name'],
        FILTER_SANITIZE_STRING);
    $contact_data['message'] = filter_var($_POST['contact_message'],
        FILTER_SANITIZE_STRING);
    $contact_data['email'] = filter_var($_POST['contact_email'],
        FILTER_VALIDATE_EMAIL);
    foreach ($contact_data as $contact_key => $contact_field) {
        if (!$contact_field) {
            $contact_invalid[$contact_key] = true;
        }
    }

    if (!$contact_invalid && !$_COOKIE['awesomemath_contact']) {
        $comment_post_ID = DEFAULT_POST_ID;
        $comment_author = $contact_data['name'];
        $comment_author_email = $contact_data['email'];
        $comment_author_url = '';
        $comment_content = $contact_data['message'];
        $comment_type = '';
        $comment_parent = 0;
        $user_ID = 0;

        $commentdata = compact('comment_post_ID', 'comment_author',
            'comment_author_email', 'comment_author_url', 'comment_content',
            'comment_type', 'comment_parent', 'user_ID');
        $comment_id = wp_new_comment( $commentdata );
        $comment_approved = $wpdb->get_results(
           "SELECT (comment_approved = 'spam')
                AS spam
            FROM wp_comments
            WHERE comment_ID = '{$comment_id} LIMIT 1;'"
        );
        // allow contact again after one hour
        setcookie('awesomemath_contact', 1, time() + 3600, '/');
        if ($comment_id && !$comment_approved->spam) {
            // not spam!
            $contact_headers = 
            "From: {$contact_data['name']} <{$contact_data['email']}>\r\n\\";
            wp_mail(get_option('admin_email'),
                'Examplesite Contact Form Message'
                , $contact_data['message'], $contact_headers);
            $contact_headers =
                "From: Examplesite <me@examplesite.com>\r\n\\";
            wp_mail("{$contact_data['name']} <{$contact_data['email']}>",
                'Thank you for contacting Examplesite!',
                'Thank you for contacting us. We will get back to you shortly.

Below is a copy of your message.
If for any reason we do not get back to you soon, simply reply to this email.

------------------------------

' . $contact_data['message'], $contact_headers);
            // redirect to prevent resubmission
            header("Location: {$_SERVER['HTTP_REFERER']}?contacted=1");
            die;
        }
    }
}

See? That wasn't so bad. Let me summarize the above. First, we validate data once again by using a simple php filter. See this easy tutorial for the basics of php filters.

Then, we use Wordpress' built-in comment system to post contact messages as comments. We then check to see if the comments were potentially marked as spam. If they weren't, we send an email to the site admin (it can be any email, really), with the contact message. Make sure to set DEFAULT_POST_ID to a post against which you can file these "comments".

I should add that this contact_form.php file is also included in my theme to support no-JS submission. But, really, nowadays, unless you're on your phone, 99.9% of users have Javascript enabled in their web browsers.

If I had time, I would turn this into a plugin with options and such. Wishlist:

A separate panel for administering contact form messages, similar to the built-in WP comments.
A built-in easy-to-customize widget
Custom fields

All-in-all, this was a quick and easy way to safely implement a contact form on a site without the hassle of using multiple plugins, having Captchas, or the inflexibility of requiring a subject line for the contact message (yet another reason I chose to implement my own contact form from scratch).

Hope you found this article useful. Feedback welcome!

EDUC60 - nov 2 - lecture notes

2009-11-03T00:00:00-07:00

Ideas about teaching:

Pedagogical content knowledge
Culturally responsive teaching
Teacher as facilitator
Teacher learning
Teacher learning communities

Community of practices

Common ways of doing things, common structure of teaching

Quick review

Behaviorism and teaching
- a response to a stimulus is enforced
- vs teaching - positive and negative reinforcement techniques
Constructivism
- teacher is guide or facilitator
- work that ZPD!
- research what students know
- hands-on problem solving
- open-ended questions
Community of practice
- shared language and practices
- establish, promote and understand student communities
- provide scaffolding/mentoring
- scaffolding = diagnosing of ZPD; hinting, leading question based on what student already knows
- the best assessment occurs in the practice

Pedagogical knowledge

of subject matter
of students' understanding
of curricula
of general pedagogy

Content knowledge

of subjects
of relationships among subjects
of methods of acquiring and applying knowledge

Culturally responsive teaching

who are my students? where do they live? what are typical parental occupations? what "funds of knowledge" are family members able to share
funds of knowledge = intersting important ideas that individual haves which are not parts of school
build outside knowledge into curriculum, goes back to knowing how people learn

Teacher as facilitator vs didactic

having students contribute from their own experiences
involves some kind of egalitarian effort

"Teaching for understanding" paper, by Perkins

Make learning a long-term, thinking-centered process
Provide rich ongoing assesment
Support learning with powerful representations
Pay heed to developmental factors
Induct students into the discipline
- e.g. think like historians
Teach for transfer
- e.g. use information in more than one setting

We all need to be reflective, lifelong learners.

Teacher learning communities

Mutual Support
Shared Focus
Individual Investigations of Topics of Interest
Discussion of Selected Reading
Conference Presentations and writing for Publication

Oakes critical against "let's fix teaching" mentality. She is arguing about offering opportunity and making social justice a reality rather than "fixing" and "improving."

encourage students to ask
- whose interest is being served?
- whose interest is being ignored?
think about this whenever you are asked to do something (e.g. in class)

Essay prompt:

"Provide arguments to make a case either for or against large lecture format teaching (a forced dichotomy).

Use learning theory and reading on teaching and learning environment design to support your arguments - be specific. Indicated why the selected theory is useful, i.e. don't just list it.

You do not need to cite every coinceivable theory or article/chapter. Please be selective but pointed. I want to see that you have digested the material and can use it in a new situation (transfer)."

Address the implications beyond yourself and UCSC. Use 3-5 sources.

ED60 - How people learn, Ch1

2009-10-21T00:00:00-06:00

Three major theories of learning:

Behaviorism
- learning based on behavior
- came as response to old psychology based on "consciousness"
- conditioning response based on stimuli
Constructivism
- new knowledge constructed on top of pre-existing knowledge

More currently:

New focus is on understanding
This leads to focus on processes of knowing. Human = goal-oriented agent who actively seeks information.
Active learning: people take control of their own learning
- Comparison between teachers A, B, and C, with each having different goals
- Teacher C helps the students want to learn about the material before the class starts, and therefore during class merely supervises their course of learning to ensure students keep sight of their purposes.

Key findings of scientific analysis:

Students come to the classroom with preconceptions about how the world works. If their initial understanding is not engaged, they may fail to grasp the new concepts and information that are taught, or they may learn them for purposes of a test but revert to their preconceptions outside the classroom.
To develop competence in an area of inquiry, students must:
- have a deep foundation of factual knowledge
- understand facts and ideas in the context of a conceptual framework
- organize knowledge in ways that faciitate retrieval and application
- This fact emphasizes the importance of having expertise and connecting multiple bits of knowledge to understand larger concepts. Experts are also able to filter out irrelevant information from their knowledge, when working on a specific issue.
A "metacognitive" approach to instruction can help students learn to take control of their own learning by defining learning goals and monitoring their progress in achieving them.

Consequences for teachers:

Teachers must draw out and work with the preexisting understandings that their students bring with them.
- The model of a child as an empty vessel is wrong. Teacher must inquire into students' thinking
- Roles for assessment must expanded beyond traditional testing. Formative assesment helps students observe their thinking, and provides feedback that can guide modification of the course.
- Beginning teachers must be provided with opportunities to learn
  - To recognize predictable preconceptions of students
  - To draw out preconceptions that are not predictable
  - To work with preconceptions so that children build on them, challenge them, and, when appropriate, replace them
Teachers must teach some subject matter in depth, providing many examples in which the same concept is at work and providing a firm foundation of factual knowledge
- Superficial coverage of many areas must be replaced by in-depth coverage of fewer topics
- Coordination across coursework and school years to aid transition from informal to formal ideas
- Teacher must be aware of development of students thinking about the concepts (developing teaching expertise)
- Of course, teacher must know the subject and connect major concepts (discipline expertise)
- Tests must be for deep understanding rather than surface knowledge. Need new assessment tools. Need to minimize trade-off between assessing depth and assessing ovjectively.
The teaching of metacognitive skills should be integrated into the curriculum rather of subject areas.

Designing classroom environments:

Schools and classrooms must be learner centered
- Cultural differences can affect ability to learn
- Students' theories of what it means to be intelligent can affect their performance. Students who think intelligence is fixed are more likely to give up, whereas those who think it's flexible are more likely to admit mistakes and keep going (more comfortable with risk)
To provide a knowledge-centered classroom environment, attention must be given to what is taught (information, subject matter), why it is taught (understanding), and what competence or mastery looks like
- need to aid deeper understanding
- tests often evaluate memorizing
Formative assessments--ongoing assessments designed to make students' thinking visible to both teachers and students--are essential. They permit the teacher to grasp the students' preconceptions, understand where the students are in the "developmental corridor" from informal to formal thinking, and design instruction accordingly. In the assessment-centered classroom environment, formative assesments help both teachers and students monitor progress.
Learning is influenced in fundamental ways by the context in which it takes place. A community-centered approach requires the development of norms for the classroom and school, as well as connections to the outside world that support core learning values
- Teachers must encourage a community of learners, it's okay to make mistakes, engender sense of excitement
Students spend only 13% of their time in schools. Focus learning on what they do outside school too, provide ways, etc.

Mistakes in professional development programs for teachers:

Are not learner centered
Are not knowledge centered
Are not assessment centered
Are not community centered

ED60 - David Labaree - Public goods, private goods, the American struggle over educational goals

2009-10-05T00:00:00-06:00

As part of my education 60 class, we have to read a paper by David Labaree, on schools: seen as a private vs public goal.

Summary:

Three alternative goals for american education:
- democratic equality: for citizens, everyone needs to know as much as possible, education needs to be accessible to everyone in order to create a true democracy, so anyone can contribute (public good)
- social efficiency: for workers, everyone benefits from more skilled workers, make education more practical by offering more practical study matters and some degree of stratification (private training for public benefit)
- social mobility: for individuals, the benefit largely goes to the individual consumer, who gains a salary increase or mainains his/her position on the social scale; this provides further stratification and differentiation between institutions (even with similar programs), as well as within institutions (from remedial to gifted)
Democratic equality - Summary:
- Most political purpose of American education
- Three distinct operational forms:
- Citizenship training -- prevent selfishness, instill dedication to public, "it's hard to make Republicans," need to training
- Equal treatment -- Horace Mann, fear of class conflict, sense of shared membership and community, egalitarian to sex, race, ethnicity
- Equal access -- everyone should have an equal opportunity, provide enough schools, higher education becomes the norm
Social efficiency - Summary:
- Practical constraints, vocationalism: make the school curriculum more responsive to job needs
- Ruled by the simple reality that students eventually leave schools and join the workforce
- Result was the creation of vocational programs, particularly at high school and community college levels
- General education seen as impractical: "For a long time all boys were trained to be President... Now we are training them to get jobs." (Robert and Helen Lynd)
- Compelling logic: benefits public (anyone) to spend on education. It is in the interest of the taxpayer (sound investment)
Social mobility - Summary:
- Individual benefit, status attainment. Private good.
- Asks "what can a school do for me, the individual consumer?"
- Education understood as a way to get ahead or stay in sync.
- Grading, hierarchy, more selective at higher levels to ensure distinction
- Qualitative differences between institutions
- Qualitative differences within institutions
- Contrasts with previous two, education is seen as an exchange value rather than a use value
- "Students quickly come to the conclusion that what matters most is not the knowledge they learn in school but the credentials they acquire there" (Labaree)
- Education becomes more meritocratic, leads to competition and wariness => fairness
- Meritocracy much more visible in higher levels
Historical patterns of goal ascendancy
- 19th century was dominated by democratic equality
- increasing number of students led to need for distinction, potential for getting ahead => social mobility and efficiency
- 1960s - 1970s - democratic equality again, for racial and sex discrimination
- 1980s - 1990s - shifted back to social efficiency + mobility, for educational standards and usefulness of education
- More and more, education goals emphasize winning over learning, opportunity over efficiency
- Resulted from decentralized control (little federal and state ruling), which led to market/local education, consumer choice, competition, stratified curriculum, local autonomy for schools
Social mobility vs social efficiency
- (agree with democratic equality) Social mobility supports greater access to schooling for people to have an equal chance of getting ahead
- (agree with democratic equality) Social mobility allocates rewards based on individual achievement, not race, gender, ethnicity, class, etc
- Ideology of the three programs:
  - democratic equality: politically democratic, socially egalitarian
  - social mobility: politically liberal, socially meritocratic
  - common ground between the above two, socially + politically is considered a progressive view
  - social efficiency: politically conservative, socially reproductive (reinforce existing structure)
- Successes from coalition between social mobility and democratic equality:
  - variety of choices
  - less discrimination
  - accepting returning students
  - hiring because of credentials rather than characteristics
- Primary opposition comes from social efficiency
  - need for positions in job market is not met
  - rising costs for poor families
  - more worry about getting a job than getting ahead
  - as taxpayers, contributing to education for other people's children
  - produce workforce to provide measurable economic benefits to society as a whole
- Dispute over tracking, guidance and vocationalism
- Result is a bold mixture of purposes in American education, anyone has a possibility to get to the top (contest mobility, acc. to Turner), but with low probability
- Contrasts:
  - greater access (mobility) vs reducing costs (effective)
  - concentrate resources on highest levels (mobility) vs high quality on all levels (effective)
  - undercuts learning by promoting minimum level to attain credentials (mobility) vs need to upgrade skills of the workforce (effective)
- Similarities:
  - schools need to adapt to the structure of inequality
  - subordinate schools to needs of market
  - lead to highly stratified structure of education
  - providing high access to highest end, most desirable jobs is counterproductive and also not giving an edge to a select few
- Social mobility can only be promoted to the extent that it reduce the chance for the lower end to get to the top (opposite of democratic equality)
Social mobility vs democratic equality
- both for equal access
- mobility against equal treatment and civic virtue
- equal treatment _opposite of equal _educational treatment
- civic virtue is about politics as opposed to the market. social mobility is for market value (progressive individualism, capitalist ideology), not political value
- progressive individualism = individual pursuing competitive success in the market
- purpose of democratic equality: republicans
- purpose of social efficiency: workers
- purpose of social mobility: winners
- social mobility caused school to have value not for its intrinsic usefulness (things you learn), but for its exchangeability
- citizenship training has become, as a result, much less present
- good citizenship has morphed into behaving in accordance with school rules
- social mobility encourages surrogate learning - as long as credits are gained, what occurs in classrooms is allowed to pass for education
- exchange value is assumed (mistakenly) to reflect use value
- schooling for mobility is like farming for the market -- maximize the exchange value
- Labaree suggests that the reason students are less successful from the perspective of academic achievement is because the purpose of schooling is, at its core, anti-educational --> students are well schooled but poorly educated, master of forms but not of content. The classic question "Will this be on the test?" illustrates this.
- "levels of educational attainment keep rising, while levels of social mobility remain the same" (pg 70)
Conclusion
- Contradiction:
  - these three goals created a contradiction that is contradictory and frequently counterproductive
  - we distinguish students by merit and grades, but undermine this through homogenizing practices such as grade inflation, social promotion
  - we bring all students under the same roof, but make sure everyone has a different experience there
  - we offer everyone access to higher education, while assuming social benefits are sharply stratified
  - we focus on preparing students for work, but devote our efforts to providing a thoroughly general education
  - education is deficient at carrying out any of its goals effectively -- we continue to ask ends that are mutually exclusive
- Credentialism
  - translating educational attainment into social attainment
  - since the interests are either job competency or general knowledge (from gen ed), credentials are expected to be irrelevant
  - the reality, however, is the opposite -- Boudon's model predicts this
  - elevates schooling into an instrument for achieving the American dream
  - credentials market is where aspirations raised by education meet the cold reality of socioeconomic limits
  - educational opportunities grow faster than job opportunities
  - the ability of a diploma to buy a good job declines
  - credentialism undermines learning, promotes spending time and money for little economic benefit
  - carries out in a manner that is individually rational and collectively irrational
- Possibility
  - biggest problem in society nowadays is not that these three major ideals exist and are in conflict, but the thread of social mobility overshadowing the other two => education as private good
  - need to draw on core goal of education -- to provide everyone with the capacities required for full political participation and working abilities

And that's the summary of a 45 page article!

I look forward to writing an essay based on this, in 2 weeks time.

Installing OpenGL + GLUT on Kubuntu 9.04

2009-09-02T00:00:00-06:00

I'm taking a Computer Graphics class, and during the first week we need to install OpenGL and write a first, very simple program. I looked around for tutorials and couldn't find any simple ones, so I've compiled one below.

This tutorial should help you install OpenGL + Glut on Debian-based Linux distributions.

My OS: Kubuntu 9.04 i386 (32 bit)

Installing GLUT:

sudo apt-get install freeglut3 glut-doc

In my case, I had to install an nvidia driver as well:

sudo apt-get install nvidia-glx-180-dev

For some of you, this might not be the case, and the mesa-common package would work:

sudo apt-get install mesa-common-dev

Then (and here's the part that got me worried), you can try testing a simple example, but I got this error:

OpenGL GLX extension not supported by display ':0.0'

To fix this, it was much simpler than I thought -- I just needed to reboot. (If you don't want to, for some reason, restarting X should work just fine.) If this problem doesn't go away, I found a couple of resources in my search before rebooting, here and here.

After setting this up, I looked up tutorials, and decided to use this simple example: (found here)

#include <GL/glut.h>

#define window_width  640
#define window_height 480

// Main loop
void main_loop_function()
{
   // Z angle
   static float angle;
   // Clear color (screen)
   // And depth (used internally to block obstructed objects)
   glClear(GL_COLOR_BUFFER_BIT | GL_DEPTH_BUFFER_BIT);
   // Load identity matrix
   glLoadIdentity();
   // Multiply in translation matrix
   glTranslatef(0,0, -10);
   // Multiply in rotation matrix
   glRotatef(angle, 0, 0, 1);
   // Render colored quad
   glBegin(GL_QUADS);
   glColor3ub(255, 000, 000); glVertex2f(-1,  1);
   glColor3ub(000, 255, 000); glVertex2f( 1,  1);
   glColor3ub(000, 000, 255); glVertex2f( 1, -1);
   glColor3ub(255, 255, 000); glVertex2f(-1, -1);
   glEnd();
   // Swap buffers (color buffers, makes previous render visible)
    glutSwapBuffers();
   // Increase angle to rotate
   angle+=0.25;
}

// Initialze OpenGL perspective matrix
void GL_Setup(int width, int height)
{

    glViewport( 0, 0, width, height );
    glMatrixMode( GL_PROJECTION );
    glEnable( GL_DEPTH_TEST );
    gluPerspective( 45, (float)width/height, .1, 100 );
    glMatrixMode( GL_MODELVIEW );
}

// Initialize GLUT and start main loop
int main(int argc, char** argv) {
    glutInit(&argc, argv);

    glutInitWindowSize(window_width, window_height);

    glutInitDisplayMode(GLUT_RGB | GLUT_DOUBLE);

    glutCreateWindow("GLUT Example!!!");

    glutIdleFunc(main_loop_function);

    GL_Setup(window_width, window_height);
   glutMainLoop();
}

Thanks! I'm eager to update this tutorial with more information, so if you're having problems, let me know!