Emmy's Personal Blog

I am Sorry I Hurt You

2011-12-25T22:23:00.000+08:00

Have you guys ever hurt someone else with your words? I did.

I might sound nice and all innocent in my writings but I am really not good with my speech. I tend to hurt or offend people with my speech without having a single clue about it…at all. Most of the time I was trying to joke around and I ended up bluntly saying things that I am not supposed to. It’s often too late when I finally realized and regretted about it.

Photo © Louisa Stokes on FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

When I was between 13 and 17 during my middle school days, I had a classmate who adore and respect me for my good merits. She thought that I am a creative writer and that I am a responsible and dependable leader. She even voted and fully supported me to be the class representative during my second year and the vice president of our school orchestra and marching bands during my fifth year. There were a lot more things that she had done for me during those days and back then I never really thought much of it nor did I do anything to repay or thank her.

The worse thing was I believe that I was the sole reason she spent those five years miserably with those cruel mistreatment from the boys. During our first year in the school, I jokingly told the boy she had a crush on that she has a crush on him. What did I expect from a 13 years old boy would react to that? Of course, he was embarrassed and told all of the other boys and then they were all started making fun of her as if she’s not from the same human species as they are. They made fun of her for those 5 years as if she doesn’t have the right to like somebody. They even went as far as nicknamed her as ‘The Corpse’ because of her pale skin tone. There were more and while thinking about those memories, I felt like shit.

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Then there were also some incidents with my other friends where I jokingly blurted out some embarrassing secrets that were told to me in front of the other people thinking that would be funny. The moment I caught up with their changes in expressions, I just knew that I have gone too far. Some of the time I tend to joke too much that they all turned into embarrassing and degrading jokes rather than a funny one. They’ll normally cause some awkward moments of silence and again I just knew that I’ve gone too far.

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I am an adult now. I’ve learned to watch my words although there are times that I can’t control myself. I’ve learn not to joke with secrets. I’ve learned that if some things are embarrassing to me, they are embarrassing for others too. I’ll be more sensitive about it. So, to all of my friends that are reading this especially Ezd, please accept my apologies. I am so sorry.

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You Are What You Feed Your Mind

2011-12-03T03:35:00.000+08:00

I was really down last two weeks. The comedy shows and the addicting games that I used to enjoy so much did not seem to work like it used to be. Then I thought to myself, "Why didn't I just get something positive and inspiring to read?" I've stopped reading books or novels during my free time since I graduated from my high school. I used to read a lot back then. Yesterday, I picked a real nice book written by Zig Ziglar out from my bookshelf and started reading. I can totally feel the positive energy and the empowering thoughts transplanting through my mind. I guess that I should really keep this hobby.

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What books do you read when you're feeling down?

Night Cookies Anyone?

2011-12-02T00:06:00.000+08:00

Loneliness is a terrible feeling. You find yourself wake up in the middle of the night and everything seems hopeless. All that you can do is just stare in the dark and feel all alone. You go through your phone book and you can't find a single number that you can call. Does anyone really care or do you simply don't have anyone in your life?

Photo © Maggie Smith on FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

I think I need some night cookies. Anyone?

He or She?

2010-12-31T01:24:00.000+08:00

I don’t remember how it happened. I just remember that it was just appeared to be there. Was it there all these while or it simply grows on me in one night? Is it the thing that I thought it was? When I take a closer look at it, I think it is for real that I am having an extra thing down there. I am totally in a great shock as all these years I lived my life as a girl. How could I have that thing with me? I told myself to chill and to check again. It was for real.

Photo © Dundee Photographics on FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Photo © digitalart on FreeDigitalPhotos.Net

Kewl! I can now having an extra option. I can now stand still and pee pee~ without taking off my pants. That doesn’t sounds like a problem to me until this one time that I have to fill in an application form. I don’t know what to write in my gender column. Worse, when I start to avoid public toilets as I don’t know which side I should go to.

Should I date men or women?

Dating women, they most probably won’t find out about it if we are doing it in the dark.

But dating men would be weird when they find out about that extra thing. It would be a real bad situation if they start to compare theirs to mine.

Then, right there and then, I just knew that I have to do a decision. I have to make a choice whether to be me that I am all these years. Or to be a new me that I just discovered.

LOL… Chill… It was just a dream.

I once have this one weird dream a few years back. It might sound funny to some people, but at the same time it felt pretty real to me. Though I had a great laugh about it with my friends, I am still wondering about the meaning behind that dream. Funny ‘cause in that dream, I actually used both tools and found out that both tools are actually working fine for me. How did I use the tools to check their functionality? Well, it’s better be a secret. LOL!

What is the weirdest dream that you’ve ever had?

Picking Up The Pieces

2010-12-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

Letting go is always the hardest lesson of life. It is a very painful experience to let go of some things and some people at some points of your life. The thought of not having that thing or that person in your life is just killing you inside out. However, when things once done, they can’t be undone, when words are said, they can’t be unsaid, so when time’s up, it is up! It is time to let go. Breathe, and end it.

When my Dad walked out on my Mum, she became totally helpless. She fell sick and deeply depressed. She was desperate for love, desperate for attentions, and desperate to have someone on her side to agree with her with just every single thing. It was annoying and I felt that she might have just lost her mind back then. It’s like the end of her world. At times, I keep telling her to forget, to live her life happily. I guess it is easier to be said than done.

And then it was my turn to be walked out on. It was hell. Worse, when he decided to completely kill my self-esteem by telling it was for someone else. I felt worthless. I cried and I even begged. I was panicked and I got depressed. I was at the bottom of the world. I felt naked in my own clothes. I cried for months and I nearly killed myself while driving when I was crying for him. I couldn’t sleep at nights without listen to his voice first and I hate waking up without him by my side. If I can, I will pick him up off my dream and hug him for real. I was turning into my Mum and I hate that.

As much as I want my Mum to be happy again, I want it as much for myself. I don’t want to hang on to the resentment, cling up to the pain and die as a sad person. I tried many ways to get over it. I had spent a whole lot of money to make myself happy while believing that time will eventually erases it. And then I realized that it is easier to be said than done. I need someone to hug me and tells me that it will be okay. My heart still aches to just think about it every now and then. Maybe I was doing it wrong. May I should try harder. Maybe I just have to find the happiness left within me. Or maybe I just have to hurt a little bit more while picking up the pieces. I know there will be scars but there’s always a plastic surgery for every scar.

Welcome to my blog. I thought of posting this entry up on New Year as a sign to a new beginning but then I feel that there must be an end to the old one before we can start a new one. So I choose to post this before New Year as Christmas is approaching. It is a happy occasion that includes gifts and love that celebrates every ends, every year. A happy ending will always create a happy new beginning, here’s the gift for myself. A new beginning for emilyyee.com. Merry Christmas to all. I am picking up the first piece. Love, Emily.

So what was the best gift that you have ever given to yourself?