Maybe somebody else helped convince you why you shouldn’t do it, maybe you did it yourself.  Either way, you had to bargain yourself out of it.  

The One That Got Away

Here is a true story.  No kidding.  When I was 27 and working in the nonprofit sector in San Francisco, I had what seemed to me at the time to be a bold and ‘out-there’ idea: start a citywide video store that would allow customers to order videos over the Internet and then be able to pick these videos up locally or have them delivered. 

I told somebody I knew about my idea a week or two afterwards— somebody I knew who was in business school.  But I picked the wrong person: he wasn’t somebody who was particularly supportive of ideas of mine that involved unconventional thinking.  He told me the many reasons why he didn’t think this idea would work.  I listened to him and let myself be convinced by his point of view.  So, I dropped it and never pursued it further, even though I always suspected an online video rental business that delivered to people’s homes or local video stores might very well still work. 

Years later, I heard about Netflix in the U.S. and zip.ca in Canada.  I had a mix of feelings: pride for being right years before, but also anger– anger at my friend for dissuading me, yes, but most of all, anger at myself for letting myself be dissuaded from pursuing it and for not having the self-confidence and self-conviction to explore the idea any further.

So, what lesson did I take out of this story? 

I let myself get talked out of– or talked myself out of– following my dreams, because I failed to practice the courage of conviction to follow through on my ideas and see them through to the end.

Time to Work on Ideas
But now imagine another scenario: I have two story ideas that I have decided to work on (since– in case you have forgotten, gentle reader– I write fiction).  

One of them is very well planned and all that remains for me to do is to tell this story within the framework and rules that I have set for it.  The other story is an almost completely opposite process: based on an image I saw, I just started writing and improvising, letting the story develop spontaneously and organically.  I get the sense that it threatens to be ‘big,’ if I see it all the way through.  

When I sit down to write, I usually progress on one of these two stories, 90% of the time.  There’s just one problem.  

I rarely can find the time to sit down and write them.  

That’s not because I don’t believe in myself or my ideas.  And it’s not because of lacking a plan to do so, or a lack of motivation or will.  I dearly wish to write these stories– I’m so close to being done with one of them, I can almost taste it–  in fact, I do fully intend to write them.  I have even figured out how much time I need to set aside to write them.  

But it never really pans out.  

Sure, I have a lot of things on my plate: I just moved and am setting up my new house; I have a new job and have to do reading for it; I have coaching clients; I want to spend quality time with my wife; and I want to take care of myself.  But there is not much that would make me feel happier than finishing these two stories and not a lot of things that seem more important to me, in the grand scheme of things (besides hanging out with my wife).  

And yet, I rarely have time to spend on them– even though few other things in my life seem as important to me.  What is the reason, then?

Organization
It’s that I can’t quite seem to get organized enough to make my writing happen on a consistent basis.  

Let me clarify: while I am still operating at a relatively high level of functioning, overall, I am constantly trying to make sure that things don’t fall though the cracks (usually- but not always- successfully).  That takes considerable brain power and effort on my part.  After all, my work and personal responsibilities are important and unavoidable priorities.  

But I have a distinct sense that if I was just a little better organized, if I had a few better systems for tackling all of the obligations in my week, I’d be more productive in my work and in my life– and, as a result, I would have more time and space to become a more productive writer. 

[Re]frame
This has led me to reconsider accessing a resource that’s been under my nose  for several months: the [Re]frame Productivity System.

[Re]frame was developed by my extraordinary wife, Heather Jassy, and her collaborator, Jody Carter.  Heather is a counselor and personal coach while Jody is a professional organizer.  Together, they have pooled their considerable experience and expertise into creating a system that is geared toward artists, writers, musicians, designers, and other creative types (however they define themselves).  

I have witnessed first-hand how [Re]frame has benefitted the the many creative people who have followed it.  However, I never thought that I would need it, myself— after all, I’m a personal coach!— until now.  

For not only does [Re]frame help creative types get their desk and email under control, for example, so that they have some semblance of organization by its end, it also helps them figure out how to use the extra time they now have toward integrating the practice of their creativity in their daily life.

That is exactly the sort of thing, I admit, I am going to need in order to get those two stories written and finished.

[Re]frame is delivered by email in bite-size, one-day chunks over about a month.  That, too, works perfectly for me, since I don’t have hours and hours to devote to it every day.  

Can you visualize what I now can visualize?  What if you did have the organizational tools and sense of purpose you needed to finally complete that project or start living life the way you want it, on your terms?

[Re]frame can do that for you.  

Although [Re]frame can’t force you to believe in your ideas and follow your dreams, it cangive you the organization and productivity, and the time and space to make them real.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how we talk ourselves out of doing what we truly were born to do— in short, how we bargain ourselves out of living our life purpose. I also talked about possibility– imagining the possibility of what you might do if you didn’t bargain yourself out of living purposefully and how you might already be able to make space for your life purpose right now in your current life. If you missed it, you can click here.

So, this week, I promised to talk about the excuses we make to bargain ourselves out of doing what we truly want to do.

Why write a column about excuses? Well, I believe that excuses are one of the biggest ways that we cheat ourselves out of living purposefully.

Need an example? Have you ever had thoughts like these when you thought about doing an activity related to your purpose?

• It’s not realistic.
• I can come back to it.
• I’ll do it later.
• It’s just one day.
• I really have to take care of ____ today.
• I’m not in the mood.
• I’m being selfish.
• I’m just going to do this one other thing first…
• It’ll bother my neighbors/my husband.

Excuses
You get the idea. These are excuses— lies we tell ourselves. These self-statements sabotage our life purpose and they allow us to bargain ourselves out of doing what sustains and fulfills us. What’s worse is that you’re probably so practiced in saying and thinking these excuses that they are automatic to you. Maybe you’re not even aware that you’re making these excuses unless you really pay attention to your thoughts.

So, how do we deal with excuses that we use to justify avoiding purpose-led activities?
Well, allow me to propose a new way of looking at your excuses.

When I lived in San Francisco, I used to facilitate a cognitive-behavioral addiction recovery group called SMART Recovery. At SMART Recovery we did an exercise called Refuting Your Excuses (or RYE). RYE is typically used for behaviors that fit the following definition: any behavior that you do repeatedly or compulsively that interferes with or sabotages your own goals. I would speculate that constantly bargaining yourself out of fulfilling your life purpose would qualify for most readers as “a behavior that you do repeatedly that interferes with or sabotages your own goals.”

RYE is a pretty simple process, but there are a few steps.

Step 1:
Identify the excuse you are telling yourself before engaging in addictive behavior.

Step 2:
Rebut your excuse with 4-6 refutations, or rebuttals (statements that show why the excuse is false or self-sabotaging, or which propose an alternative way of thinking).

Step 3:
Practice these rebuttals for 10 minutes or so every day, so you can generate rebuttals as automatically as the excuses.

An Example
So, let’s quickly run through RYE using the excuse “I’ve got it under control,” (we’ll do a more in-depth example below). You can rebut “I’ve got it under control” with refutations that might include: “This goes against my goals of not using,” “I’m lying to myself— plain and simple,” or “If I’ve got it under control, then I can control myself from using right now.” The final step in RYE would then be to write out and practice these rebuttals every day.

Using Rye to Get to Your Purpose
Let’s extend RYE, then, to what we do to bargain ourselves out of engaging in activities related to our purpose.
I’ll use my struggles with writing my first blog entry a few weeks ago, (again), as an example. So, to recap, my life purposes (i.e. my big goals) are to be a writer and to help people empower themselves to change their own lives. A few weeks ago, I wanted to write the first blog entry that I had ever written, but I just didn’t feel like getting started; and once I did start, I would start on a new idea, leave it unfinished, then start on another idea, and then leave that idea unfinished, too. I kept repeating that same cycle over and over again.

The first step to RYE is to figure out what you are saying to yourself (or what you are thinking) when you are bargaining yourself out of engaging with your life purpose. First, go to a quiet place (anywhere you can think). Perhaps your place will be where you meditate, perhaps it’s on the train to work, perhaps it’s the bathtub— for me, that would be going to a cafe with noise-reducing headphones, sitting at a table facing a big plate-glass window and listening to music like Egberto Gismonti, Toumani Diabate, or Gregorian chant.

Next, pay attention to what statements you were making to yourself right before you decided not to engage with your life purpose in a specific, recent instance. Write down every statement, or excuse, that comes to mind. My reflection process led me to become aware of a number of excuses that came up for me, and which led me to bargain myself out of writing. Here are a few of them:

• This is hard— better come back to it later when I feel more up to it.
• There are other people out there who know how to write about this better than I can.
• I’m not in the mood.
• If I can’t do it right, then I don’t want to do it all.
• I don’t want to spoil it [e.g., by writing something bad or by writing when I don't feel in the right frame of mind to do so].
• I need to do housework/work on an urgent business project/take care of the dog instead.

If you have more than one excuse (which is the norm), then you want to do a separate RYE for each excuse (although that does not mean that you can’t use the same rebuttal for more than one excuse).

Once you have figured out what your excuses are, the next step is to rebut each excuse. Come up with 4-6 rebuttals that show why an excuse is false or self-sabotaging, or that propose alternative ways of thinking.

So, let’s take one of my examples to see how it’s done. Once I’ve written down the excuse, I am going to list as many rebuttals as possible. At this juncture, don’t edit yourself. Let’s start with the excuse: “This is hard— better come back to it later.” Here are some possible rebuttals that come to mind:

• That’s B.S.
• That’s what I said the last time— and I never got back to it.
• I can do that, but it’ll probably still be hard when I come back to it.
• I can just put in 10 minutes on it and if I don’t feel like doing anymore today, I’ll stop.
• I’m going to have to deal with it at some point, anyway. Why not try right now?
• What if I try to do it right now and see if I can turn this into a learning opportunity about how to work through things that are hard…

The goal here is to get your excuse-rebutting juices going. The perfect rebuttals for you will emerge, eventually, if you keep at it.

Let’s take one more example. The excuse: “I’m not in the right mood.”

Here are some possible rebuttals:

• There’s no reason why I have to be in the right mood to do it.
• If I wait until the right mood comes along, I may never do it.
• Working on it might get me in the right mood.
• I can write something that I’ll throw in the trash later, but it’s good to get that practice in as a writer and as someone who always can be learning and honing his craft.
• I can still produce something that moves the piece along if I’m not in the mood, even if I don’t use it in that particular form.
• This is just another excuse not to do it.
• That is counter-productive.
• That’s B.S.
• Why don’t I get my not-in-the-right-mood writing out of the way now, so I can get to the writing where I am in the right mood.

Note: It is OK— and even preferable— to use rebuttals that sound similar to one another when rebutting a particular excuse. It’s also OK to use the same rebuttal in response to multiple excuses.

The next step is to write out and remind yourself of the rebuttals you come up with. Read over your refutations, and repeat them to yourself— or even better, write them out again or recreate them in whatever way fits best with your learning style. For example, if you’re a visual learner, you might depict your rebuttals in some sort of graphic, pictorial or other visual artistic form. Personally, I remember everything better when I write things down, so I would write out my refutations again. To deepen the impact of this practice, come up with new refutations to add to your list, and then add these accordingly.

Lastly, practice! Set aside 10-15 minutes every day to do your RYE practice. It might sound like a lot of time, but remember: our excuses are second nature. The more regularly we practice our rebuttals to these excuses, the more second nature it will be to rebut the excuses we use to bargain ourselves out of what we are truly meant to do.

Sometimes You Might Need a Break…But be Aware
Now, don’t get me wrong: sometimes, when we struggle with something we are working on, and we are working too hard on it with little to show for results, it can be beneficial to take a breather. Take the following examples: a composer struggling with the harmony of a song he is writing, an entrepreneur trying to figure out a detail in her business plan, a scriptwriter wrestling with an opening, or a writer unable to come up with an ending. Sometimes we get too close to what we are working on, and we lose our perspective. Our tank hits empty and we use up our energy, creativity, and inspiration. In those instances, it makes sense to take a break and come back to it— perhaps it’s a complete breather or perhaps it’s something to re-inspire yourself, such as going to a museum, going out into nature, going to see a movie, going out on a date with your spouse, or doing something special with your kids.

But…
But if you find that you continually take these sorts of breaks or that you always find things to do other than the activities that fit with your life purpose, or if you go days, weeks, months, years without engaging with your true life purpose… then you are probably bargaining yourself out of doing what you truly want to do – by using excuses.

Continuing Your RYE Journey
To get ourselves back on track to live our life’s purpose, we need to not only visualize and remind ourselves of what we truly want to do, but we also need to be able to respond to the excuses that we use when we avoid engaging in our purposeful endeavors. Refuting Your Excuses allows us to reconnect with our purpose-led activities by analyzing what we are saying to ourselves, by refuting our excuses one-by-one, and then practicing these rebuttals, so that we’re as practiced in rebutting our excuses to ourselves as we are in making them. If you approach the RYE process with curiosity— curiosity about your excuses and about yourself— instead of turning away from it, you will be rewarded. You will not only learn some things about yourself, but you will be able to come from a deeper and more profound place to address your blocks and to stay on track with fulfilling your true life purpose – whatever that purpose may be.

This is fun to me.  I’m a creative person too.  I get it.   I interview potential clients to see if they are meant to be one of MY clients or if I ought to refer them to someone else.  I only want to work with clients who are inspiring to me (I’m a bit selfish that way).   I can tell that they are one of MY clients if I ask them what they really want to do and their face lights up as they share a hidden dream with me.  Sometimes it’s a dream of making jewelry, or becoming a chef, or writing a screenplay, or singing, or painting or starting a unique business, or starting a line of sustainable goods.  It’s  always a big dream.  

Creative people are really good at the big dreams part.  The part we seem to have trouble with is follow-through.  I can’t tell you how many brilliant, immensely talented people have sat across from me, full of of great ideas that they are unable to implement because they can’t make the time or space to bring them into action.  As much as I am excited by their great ideas (and am impatient to get started on that part of our work together!), we always have to spend the first part of our time together dealing with the unsexy stuff:  eliminating distractions, creating systems and work plans, dealing with time-management and basic organization.  These problems seem to be taking up all the space in their lives, preventing them from getting to what they really want to be doing.  Many creative people I know describe their lives as chaotic.  They describe feeling as though they react to whatever comes at them, instead of feeling a sense of purpose or clarity.  It leaves them with a feeling of frustration and powerlessness.  They feel devalued, because they are not getting a chance to excel in the areas where they really shine, where their very unique way of seeing the world becomes an asset.

This drives me nuts.  If the world needs anything right now, it needs inspiration.  It needs brilliantly talented people who see things differently, who are starters (not joiners), who can imagine unique solutions to complex problems,  who ask the questions, who see beyond the propaganda, who are creators and generators instead of consumers.  It needs the people who live off the beaten path.   It needs the creative energy of the people who value meaning and purpose and beauty.  The world needs these people to be writing novels that make people see the world differently, to be singing songs that tell the truth, to be figuring out inspired ways to feed people and get them healthcare.  It does not need these people to waste all that brilliant energy looking for their keys.

I created the REFRAME productivity system (www.reframeproductivity.com), along with professional organizer Jodi Carter, for creative people who need to tighten up all their systems so that they can create wide open spaces in which they can blossom.  It’s not about working mindlessly, or working to clear your inbox.   It’s about containing, simplifying and limiting the mundane details of life so that you have the space to focus on what you do best.   

If all the visionaries were able to bring their visions into real life, how different would this world be?

I really do.

But whenever I sat down to write, something else happened.  I would write about three sentences on each person, jot down a few additional ideas, and then just leave the article unfinished and start on the next idea.  I know why this happens – it’s an old pattern that’s been around for a while.  When I was growing up, I would lose my temper when practicing my instrument (I was a musician).  I was encouraged to just drop practicing and come back to it after I felt less frustrated.

Frustration
So now, when I want to write and I get frustrated, I stop.   But then my frustration increases because my desire to write is so strong– in fact, I consider writing and empowering people to change their lives, to be part of my purpose here on earth.  So, the more I feel like I can’t write, the more frustrated I become - and none of my frustration leads back to writing!  Finally, I decided to look long and hard at what was coming between my desire to write and my ability to get words down on the page.  I decided to pick apart the source of my frustration.

So what was bothering me?  Well, there were a few things:

Fear. Fear of failure.
Fear that I was going to write a truly bad piece.  Fear that everybody would see how bad of a column I wrote.  Fear that I’d prove to myself that I’m really not a good writer at all, that I really could not write at all.   If writing is my purpose, what if I’m not any good at it?   What would I be left with?

Perfectionism.
I felt like I had to do something really good if it was going to be my first blog entry.  I thought, ‘why even bother writing something if I think— I know— that it’s not going to be any good?’    I had to make a splash in order to make up for not having done it earlier.  I had to express myself precisely and perfectly and I had to be on top of my writing game— otherwise it wasn’t worth it.  I also couldn’t write unless I was ‘in the perfect frame of mind’ (as opposed to just sitting down, showing up, and doing the work, no matter how inspired I felt).

Resistance
I was also busy doing other things.  The one thing I wanted to do most was last on my list of things to do.  I spent time on everything else: I walked the dog; took care of tasks related to the coaching business; read articles on news— or even sports —on the Internet; watched television; checked my email repeatedly; or I went on Facebook.  I avoided even getting started because I thought somebody else might have had the same idea before I did, and I was hung up thinking ‘who am I to do this piece when somebody else would do it so much better than me?’

Does this sound familiar?  What blocks you from following through on your own creative projects?

Try this: take a blank sheet of paper and write down the first couple of things that come to mind when you think about why you— the unique, whole self that is you— were put here on this planet.  To give you an example: I would say, without hesitation, that the first thing that comes to mind for me is to write and to empower other people to improve their own lives.

Now try this: write down how much time you actually spend on the very things you just wrote down as your purpose.  How many days a week do you actually spend working on purposeful items?  How many hours of dedicated, quality time do you spend on the important stuff?

What would you do with your time?
If you’re spending as much time on them as you’d like, then great!  But from my experience as a writer and as a personal coach and therapist, I know that it is easy to block out time for everything else but the things that have a deeper purpose to you.  After all, it’s all well and good to block out time for urgent projects at work; the items on your to-do list at home; or to go out with friends, but how often do you actually block out time for those things that are truly and passionately your reason or reasons for being here on this earth?  Do you feel like it’s legitimate and just as important to block out time for these things?

It’s easy for me— and I imagine for you— to put my important items on the back burner while I attend to the many important and unimportant details of daily life.  In fact, we often bargain ourselves out of avoiding our purpose.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

• It’s not realistic to do it
• I can come back to it
• I’ll do it later
• It’s just one day
• I really have to take care of ____ today
• I’m not in the mood
• I’m being selfish
• I’m just going to do this one other thing first.

These are all examples of excuses, or ways of bargaining ourselves out of what we want.  And we all tend to have our favorites.

But what if you stopped listening to the excuses and started listening to your inner voice?  How would you live your life differently?  Try writing down on that same piece of paper how you imagine your life would be different.  What would you do differently in your day-to-day life?  Chances are that your life will include more activities related to your purpose.

How can you make space for your purpose?
Now, think about when, how and where you could make space for your purpose in your life. What would you need to let go of to make room for purposeful time?  Is there already some space in your life that you could fill with purpose-filled activity?

If you can find some time to work toward your purpose, then the question remains: what do you do with those excuses? How do you stop yourself from bargaining out of doing what you truly want to do?  I’ll cover that topic next week.

One more thing
Until then, I want to end this column with a shout-out to my wife, Heather Jassy, founder of Empty Space Coaching.  A week ago, today, was our anniversary and I am truly lucky to have met— much less married— such a brilliant, funny, creative, not to mention beautiful, woman who truly brings light into my life. It is your existence, Heather, that is proof to me of the divine.

Say good-bye to stress
Do you ever wish that you didn’t have to struggle to find your keys, to use your desk or to find a clean dish?  All of these little challenges might not seem like a big deal, but small amounts of stress have a huge effect on health, on relationships and on happiness!

Say hello to more free time
Organizing your personal space can free you from day-to-day stress, which will open up a lot of mental space.  Decluttering also creates more time because you are not constantly looking misplaced items, like your car keys.  Imagine having a few more minutes a day? What would you do with that time?

Where should I start?
They key to organizing is to start small by breaking your project down into small tasks. Set a daily goal of fifteen minutes. You’ll be surprised how fast the time will pass!

How do I  Start?
First things first: throw on that funky music! The average song is four minutes long. Pick four of your favourite songs and crank it up! When the songs are over, you’ll be 15 minutes closer to your organizational goal (and you just might burn some calories, too).

What should I actually do?
Next, pick one area of your house and put everything in its place. Books go with other books. DVDs with other DVDs. Socks go with other socks. Then bring a basket or box to the room, grab all the items that don’t belong in the room, throw them in your basket and return them to where they do belong.

I don’t have time to organize
We often have more time than we think we do. If you find yourself waiting for a friend to pick you up, spend the time organizing a pile of papers or going through your mail. And if  there’s something you don’t need, just give it to your friend!

This is way too hard.  Can anyone help me?
Find an organized friend and offer to help them if they help you.   Or hire Breathing Space Consulting. I’m a friend, too!

And remember, be nice to yourself!
The last thing to remember once you’ve decided to organize is to be nice to yourself.  Set a realistic goal.  After you meet a goal, celebrate by treating yourself.  Get a massage, go out for the evening, buy a magazine – and then come home and enjoy the space you’ve created!

Tasks got you down?
Do you ever feel like your things-to-do list will never end?  Are endless tasks running through your head?  Can’t remember the last time you ever had free time? Well, it might be time to learn to delegate.  Try it, it might cost a bit of money, but most of us can say that the time saved is worth more than money.

I can do it better myself
Delegation is the key to successful time management, but even some very high achieving people are poor delegators.  A lot of successful individuals have got where they are by doing it all themselves.  The prevailing attitude is:    “I might as well do it myself - I can do it better than anyone else.”  

Reality sets in
The reality is that doing everything yourself not only leads to burnout, but it also hampers your ability to do anything well.  You also miss out on quality, free time to spend with loved ones or to pursue soul-filling hobbies.  

The power of a team
Try to think about delegation in a team sense.    A team works because certain team members excel in areas that others on the team do not: ultimately, it’s the combined effort and differing abilities that make the team strong.  Oppositely, one person trying to do everything is ineffective because that person is spread way too thin - and they become ineffectual even at the things they’re very skilled at.  

Get a team on your side
My friend Sue needed a team to help her.  She has three kids, a part-time job, and is constantly whirling between errands, chores and appointments.  Sue’s really great at cooking, but she never has time to put together a good meal.  She recently delegated dishes to the kids, and she hired a cleaning person to help out around the house for a few hours a week.  The result: Sue can now cook better meals; she is more present with her kids; and she has a bit of free time.  Asking for help turned out to be the best things she’s done in a long time.

But I can’t afford to hire anyone!
If money is holding you back, you should consider what your time is really worth (From the book The Four Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferris).

To get your ‘hourly rate’, cut the last three zeros off your annual salary, then halve that number. So, if you make $60,000 per year, your hourly rate is $30. If it takes you three hours to clean the house each week, that’s $90 worth of your time.”

Professions willing to help:
Average cost per hour

Cleaning Services: $20
Lawn Service: $20
Virtual Assistant: $25
Painter: $30
Computer Tech: $100
Personal Trainer: $60
Mover: $70
Professional Organizer: $66

Free time doesn’t have an hourly rate
Twenty to forty dollars may seem like a lot, but when we’re busy we spend more money on things like fast food; coffee to boost our energy; and we don’t look for deals on more expensive items.  Use those twenty dollars to buy yourself an hour of free time.  You can’t put a price tag on a sunset at the beach or a game of Frisbee with the kids.

Delegation results:
Free time and an easier life.

photo by massdistraction @flickr

I remind myself it will get easier, in time. We are still getting to know one another and feeling out our family dynamic. My youngest is a mere 20 months out of the womb, she is a curiosity machine: asserting her independence, observing her world, and absorbing everything. My eldest (and only other) child, is four and a half and is as clever and imaginative as a July day is long.

I certainly believed that by this point I would be creating full-time and that my kids would be in part-time care. I could not have foreseen the strange series of events that has brought us here. 

I have spent so much time wishing for this to be different, that is a lot of time I wish I’d spent doing anything more enjoyable.

Today, I caught myself at it again. Upset with myself and blaming circumstance, mentally listing all the awful events I could think of. Lately, I’d stop there and chastise myself for being morose. Today, instead, I simply wrote: ‘Mistaken Belief: I am defined by my circumstances.’ The hilarity of that statement was immediately apparent in that moment. I am not merely the sum of my circumstances, I am defined by my choices, my ethics, my dedication, my loyalty, my humour… et cetera.

My day improved immeasurably.

The simple act of writing something down or saying it out loud can be very centering. And when I am centered, I can handle anything. 

I am proud to report that this little pity party is over and instead I had a full and fantastic day. I am feeling accomplished *and* madly in love with my kids, tantrums and all.

I was having coffee with a very wise friend (who also happens to be a Zen teacher), and we were discussing the issue of selfishness.  He told me that he believes our lesson in our lifetime is to learn to do that which is difficult to us.  For instance, if you have trouble extending to others, sharing, opening your heart, giving others a space in your life, then your work is in learning to say “yes” to others more often.  In other words, if you’re selfish, then you can grow by learning to be more selfless.  If you fall into that category, this article isn’t for you.  Move along.  

I’m writing to those of you who have no difficulty saying “yes” to everyone around you, but often end up shortchanging yourself.  According to my friend, your work is to learn to say no to others.  Your work is to learn to say yes to yourself and to consider your own needs.  Why?  If you are only saying yes to others because you are incapable of saying no, you are acting out of habit, and not by choice.  When we do not feel that we have choice, we create resentment, anger, and difficulty.  In other words, we make ourselves (and others around us) unhappy.

I’m currently teaching an Artist’s Way course.  Every time I lead or participate in this admittedly demanding course, the same questions come up for me:  how can I possibly make 7 hours a week to address my own creative needs?  Isn’t that SELFISH?  This is a common theme that I hear from participants in every AW workshop I teach-indeed, it is something that Julia Cameron identifies as one of the main obstacles for artists or creative people:  the myth that time spent attending to our own needs is wrong or bad.

How often do we show up for others?  I bet that if you look at your weekly calendar, you’ll find that you spend a lot more than 7 hours a week keeping the appointments that you make with other people.  I bet that you make an effort to be there on time.  I bet that you often prepare in advance.   I bet that you even dress up.

How much time do you spend:

• Championing or encouraging the dreams of others? 
• Facilitating solutions for others?
• Using creative energy to pull people out of bad situations? 
• Feeding people? 
• Cleaning up other people’s messes? 

How would your life change if you made a decision that you deserve at least as much of your time and energy as other people in your life?   What would happen if you started showing up for yourself with the same diligence and consistency and lack of guilt with which you show up for others?   

If you gave yourself that same time, energy and space to invest in your dreams, what kind of changes might you see in your:

• Career?
• Family?
• Relationships?
• Health?

I invite you to take this challenge for one month:  show up for you.  Here are some ideas for how to do this.

• Schedule regular time for yourself.  Put it in your calendar at the beginning of the week.  Always keep that appointment.  Show up for yourself.  
• Guilt is not allowed.  No negative labels.
• Don’t say yes to anything of anyone else’s without checking in to see how you feel first.  I typically advise clients to respond to requests by saying “May I think about it and get back to you?”  Think about the request, what would be involved in fulfilling it, and notice whether your body feels tense or relaxed at the thought of complying with the request.  If it doesn’t feed good, politely decline.  Or be impolite, it’s up to you!
• If you tend to listen to others constantly without saying anything about yourself, practice inserting yourself into conversations.  
• Make a list of obligations that you don’t enjoy.  Pick a few that are not essential, and figure out how to delegate or drop them.

Start tracking the changes and notice how your life changes.  If you start to feel guilt or resistance, that’s good!  It’s a sign that you are pushing out of your comfort zone and doing what is difficult for you.  Just notice the feelings, step over them, and keep moving forward.  It will get easier and more natural in time.

Do you ever wish that you didn’t have to struggle to find your keys, to use your desk or to find a clean dish?  All of these little challenges might not seem like a big deal, but small amounts of stress have a huge effect on health, on relationships and on happiness!

 So what should I do?

Organizing your personal space can free you from day-to-day stress, which will open up a lot of mental space.  Decluttering also creates more time because you are not constantly looking misplaced items, like your car keys.  Imagine having a few more minutes a day? What would you do with that time? 

 But it seems so hard

A lot of people struggle with organization before they even get started.  The process of organizing is daunting and it seems easier to leave things alone.  The “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach seems simple when you can’t see past the mess and clutter.  But once you start organizing a little bit at a time, and your physical space expands, you’ll quickly realize that  starting to organize is half the battle – and it’s a battle that doesn’t have to hurt!  Read on below for some tips on painless organizing. 

Where do I start?

Start SMALL! The key to organizing is to break your project down into small tasks. Fifteen minutes a day will make a big difference.  Set a daily goal of fifteen minutes. You’ll be surprised how fast the time will pass!

How do I  Start?

Throw on that funky music. The average song is four minutes long. Pick four of your favourite songs and crank it up! When the songs are over, you’ll be 15 minutes closer to your organizational goal (and you just might burn some calories, too).

What should I do?

Pick one area of your house and put everything in its place. Books go with other books. DVDs with other DVDs. Socks go with other socks. Then bring a basket or box to the room, grab all the items that don’t belong in the room, and return them to where they do belong.

I don’t have time to organize

We often have more time than we think we do. If you find yourself waiting for a friend to pick you up, spend the time organizing a pile of papers or going through your mail. And if  there’s something you don’t need, just give it to your friend!
 
This is way too hard.  Can anyone help me?

Find an organized friend and offer to help them if they help you.   Or hire Breathing Space Consulting. I’m a friend, too! 

And remember, be nice to yourself!

The first thing to remember once you’ve decided to organize is be nice to yourself.  Set a realistic goal.  When you meet you meet each goal, celebrate by treating yourself.  Get a massage, go out for the evening, buy a magazine – and then come home and enjoy the space you’ve created!

photo by massdistraction @flickrB

 Before I begin, I should explain that I am not a parenting expert - I am a parent. I have two small kids and I’m “home” with them almost every day.  I am, however, a ’space’ expert. Space is very important to me, I don’t think I could function as a parent without it. Making space for ourselves is something my partner, Andrew, and I do consciously and deliberately. He has a high-pressure job and lives with a neurotic woman and two kids, our space is sacred!

It hasn’t always been that way, for a long time we jumped from crisis to crisis like a polar bear looking for solid ground. But two kids, one case of postpartum depression, the usual ups-and-downs of life, and lots of therapy will change a person.

Making space is how I shake the cobwebs and connect with other parts of myself. Space frees me to let go of the overwhelm that comes from being wholly responsible for the day-to-day health and wellness of my family. Space helps me regain perspective. Space helps me sort through all the parenting advice I’ve acquired and figure out what to apply. Space and the promise of space gives me the energy to push through another challenging or dull or overwhelming day.

So how do I carve out space just for me?

Good, consistent communication. I am blessed with a husband who is committed to the idea of co-parenting and who is far more relaxed than yours truly. It also helps that I have an awesome pair of brilliant kids whom I adore. Recently, we came back to regular family meetings - weekly sessions where we sit together and discuss the week.  We forecast important upcoming events, deal with issues around the house and just see what the week ahead looks like.

Family and couple’s meetings are our key to securing large and small chunks of free time and family time.  Author, psychotherapist and parenting expert Alyson Schafer (http://www.alyson.ca), explains family meetings in-depth in both of her books: Honey, I Wrecked the Kids (2008) and Breaking the Good Mom Myth (2006). Following Schafer’s direction, our meetings occur weekly; are only as long as necessary; have a predictable progression; and are voluntary and democratic.

To help meetings run smoothly, we have a spot on the fridge to jot topics/issues for the next meeting, and every Monday after dinner, we sit down and discuss. We use a napkin ring as a ‘talking stick’ and we are all learning to listen more closely to one another and to collaboratively problem-solve. The beauty of the family meeting is in the ritual. At this stage, we are building the foundation of a strong family.

While family meetings help Andrew and I estimate the impact of the coming workload and to divide up tasks, we still have to sit down every night or two and debrief: there are things we can’t talk about in front of the kids and there are issues that come up between meetings that need immediate attention. If circumstances have changed, we can shift tasks and errands accordingly.  Time shifting not only allows us to be flexible but it also helps ensure that we have opportunities to do those things that recharge us.

What’s a couple’s meeting?

Homework from a therapy session made the agenda for our first couple’s meeting: Andrew and I sat down with a list of all the things that needed to happen for our home to run smoothly. We assigned tasks from the list by accounting for strengths and preferences. For example, I’m better at mowing the lawn, while Andrew is very happy cleaning the bathroom.  Basically, we tried to keep both lists reasonable and realistic. We also made sure to include the idea of space on the list. Back then Andrew and I  divided up the week so that we each got a ‘free day’ where we could go and do whatever we could afford that week. Now that we have more physical space (we’ve recently moved) our process is less rigid, but we both freely take time for ourselves. 

Family Meetings – Dos and Don’ts

I doubt that it’s ever too early or too late to start family meetings. I would, however, recommend holding a couple’s meeting first to discuss the process and initial agenda. I also recommend that parents read up on the subject because it is easy to look tyrannical at a family meeting - easy and undesirable, believe me. Remember that to be democratic, attendance must be voluntary -  no one has to attend - but everyone should understand that the absent party won’t get a say in any decision: at least, not until the following meeting.

 Keep your first meetings light and short. At our first family meeting we discussed upcoming plans (a trip to the Aquarium!) and the things we enjoyed about being a family. Since then we’ve used the family meeting to solve problems, to discuss issues, and to practice listening, planning and being patient. We still begin every meeting with gratitudes and limit “issues” to one family problem. Before we adjourn, we go through the calendar and to-do list to get an idea of what the week will bring.

 To sum it all up

I have to admit that I had a bit of trouble writing this first post because there are so many things that contribute to the space I do have (which often barely feels like any space at all)  - it’s hard to distil a lot of factors into a legible article.  Sometimes  I feel like I’m not qualified to guide other parents,  but I do make time for space and I do make the effort to let things go – so that has to count for something.  Right now I’m focusing on family and couple’s meetings to keep my home life sane – and to give us all the space we need.   So far it’s working and that’s all I can ask for.

Up next: I used to think I would have lots of time, space and money as a full-time mom. Turns out I was wrong. So now what?