For now, I’ll just link to this as the eight millionth reason why I will not be switching my content sharing to Facebook: If You Like Links, You’ll Hate What Facebook Is Doing To Them – The Future Buzz.

1. Size/weight/holdability: Good-to-very-good. It weighs about as much as a paperback (though not a novella), and has about the same height/width. It is, of course, much thinner — if it were any thinner, in fact, I think it would be difficult to hold. The back has a soft matte plastic that I find pleasing enough. Basically, no complaints regarding this device’s dimensions, shape, or materials.
2. Durability: I haven’t bought a case yet, and am still not sure whether I want to. It seems sturdy enough, and I’d rather avoid adding size/weight. But I also don’t want to break it. This is an area in which I would appreciate the advice of knowledgeable parties.
3. Wifi: it has wifi. It works.
4. epaper screen: I like it. I’d always opt for higher resolution and color and a backlight and all that jazz, but really, this screen is pretty decent. It’s easy on the eyes and has a high enough resolution to get a lot of text on each screen (if you use the extra-small font, which to my eyes looks to be about the same as the text in a trade paperback). That said, I do think it would be nice if the screen were just a little bit bigger (it’s 6” diagonal — 7” would be pretty awesome).
5. Page-counter: At the bottom of the screen there’s a counter to tell you how far you’ve gotten in the book (e.g, 14/474). I took this to mean how many pages through the book I am, but it’s not exactly that — at least, it’s not how many NOOK pages through the book I am. Maybe it tracks the print version of the book, I’m not sure, but sometimes it doesn’t increase when I turn to the next page on the reader. I don’t know if this is standard for ebook readers, but it’s kind of odd to advance a page on the screen but have it register as continuing on the same page on the counter. Not a deal breaker or anything but odd.
6. Screen refresh time: not annoying for flipping pages (now that I have maximized the number of words/page, the brief interval doesn’t feel like a big deal), but a bit annoying for menus, etc. For example, you start each book on the cover page, then there’s the title page, then there’s the table of contents, etc. Getting from the cover page to the first page of actual text is a bit tedious. Certainly not a big deal but noticeable.
7. Lack of touchscreen on epaper screen: another navigation frustration. You have to use the touchscreen below the main screen to navigate, including selecting stuff on the main screen. It’s a bit counterintuitive once you’re used to touchscreen devices (iPhone, iPad, Android, etc.)
8. Highlighting/notes: I never really highlighted or annotated my print books (aside from school stuff), and I don’t think I’m going to change that now. But if I wanted to, I suspect this is another place where I would miss a touchscreen. The interface for selecting text is very kludgy. As for notes, that requires the little touchscreen keyboard, which brings me to…
9. The little touchscreen keyboard: adequate. Not great. Don’t think I’ll be using it much, so it doesn’t really matter, but there’s a big “clear” button that’s right below the “m” button, and I’ve already accidentally hit it and had to retype everything. A touch annoying.
10. Search: You can search within a book’s text. This strikes me as a feature I’ll almost never take advantage of, but one that will be incredibly useful when I do. (See also: built-in dictionary.)
11. Web browser: haven’t even tried it. Can’t imagine using it as long as my Droid’s on — the bigger screen doesn’t come close to compensating for the lack of color, the slow refresh time, the lack of touchscreen, and a million other things. So without actually investigating I’m pretty sure this feature doesn’t matter at all (and to B&N’s credit, they’ve never suggested otherwise).
12. Book Store: I haven’t used this much yet but it seems like it would be dead easy to look up a particular book and buy it (the reader is linked to my B&N account, so purchases are quick and painless until my credit card bill arrives). And B&N, of course, has a huge library of available books, so I expect that most anything I want to read is gettable.
13. Public domain books: all those free books they crow about on the Nook page on their website are not that easy to find. Or rather, browsing through for free books seems impossible — if you search for a particular public domain book it comes up (along with, and usually listed after, a bunch of other editions you have to pay for), but there’s no “Free Books” category to idly page through. That’s true on the Nook but, at least as importantly, it’s also true on B&N’s ebook web store, and it’s really kind of annoying.
    • Note: this may not be actually true — there may be a way to do this — but it’s sufficiently non-obvious that I couldn’t figure it out. That suggests that they aren’t exactly going out of their way to promote their free offerings, which is understandable from a business perspective but frustrating from a “I just spent a bunch of money on this device and now I want to download some free books” perspective.
14. Book pricing: I don’t know, it seems… okay? Books seem to range from free to $15 or so, and anywhere on that spectrum strikes me as fairly reasonable. It would be nice, of course, if everything were cheaper, but I guess I’m fine with this.
15. Naming the device: you can name your Nook and the name will appear at the top of the main menu page. I am currently taking nominations for my Nook’s name (current top choice: The Cornballer).
16. Reading on an electronic device in public: still feels kind of weird! And I think it will remain so for a while. Despite my obsession with technology, I really don’t enjoy making a spectacle of myself using it, so I’m hoping this dies down (and I think the iPad’s popularity should help with this). In the mean time I feel very conspicuous when I pull the reader out of my manpurse. But maybe I just feel conspicuous because of the manpurse.
17. Clients for other platforms: you can download Nook software for iOS devices, Blackberries, Macs, and PCs. But, alas, you can’t yet download Nook software for Android. This is kind of funny since the actual Nook runs Android (albeit a heavily-modified version customized for the ereader hardware). At any rate, it means that I can’t yet read a book on the Nook, turn it off, and pick it back up on my Droid. Truth be told that doesn’t strike me as a common use case (I tend to use the Droid for shorter-burst reading — blog posts, news, etc.), but considering I could do it if I had a Kindle I think B&N needs to step up here and offer the same functionality.

Overall opinion: If you read a lot and don’t feel a pathological need to collect physical books (note: I’m still struggling with the latter), for $150 it’s hard to argue with the Nook. It’s not perfect, and there’s certainly room for improvement, but I’m quite happy with it so far and look forward to spending the holiday weekend putting it through its paces. That said, I’m not convinced that it’s meaningfully better (or worse) than the Kindle — and for all I know you could put the various other ereaders on the market in that category as well. Which is pretty great news for us all — you can’t really go wrong with any of them.^* And I expect that we’re in for an exciting few years on the ereader front, with better prices and better features continuously rolling out. Which means, among other things, that in a year I’ll probably be writing a post titled “Why the [new thing I bought] Makes the Nook Look Like a Total Loser”.

^* Although it’s worth noting for the record that if you’re worried about being locked into one platform or another, it actually is kind of a big deal which one you choose. As far as I can tell without doing any actual research, the books you buy for Nook won’t work on other ereaders; same with Kindle; same with Apple’s iBook format. I believe you can buy ePub formatted books from other vendors, which should work on at least most ereaders, but suffice it to say that it adds another layer of complexity to the transaction and I’m unlikely to bother with it. So if you buy a Nook and use it a lot you may be committing yourself to a long-term relationship.

1. Oh boy. Here we go. We all, everybody!
2. We open on the door of an Oceanic plane, opening up. Looks like they found Jack’s dad’s coffin. But I thought Desmond was just prank-calling about that. What the hell? Anyway, Jack, at work in his office, is looking at an x-ray. While, on the Island, he’s looking at his trembling hands by a creek or something. Okay. Ben’s making tea in LA. On the Island he’s loading a gun and looking pensively at MIB, who is wrapping rope around his arm. In LA he’s getting wheeled in for his can-walk-now surgery. Some manual laborers carry the coffin off the plane. Sawyer looks at his cop reflection in a broken mirror. On the Island he is hanging with Kate, checking out her wound. In LA she’s sitting outside the museum where the concert’s gonna be. Oddly, the Oceanic truck carrying Christian’s coffin shows up there. All right… A greasy-looking dude hands it over to Desmond, who says he not a priest, he’s “or something”. Anyway, they wheel the coffin into the museum as Kate watches from the car. Desmond gets in and tells her that it’s Christian’s body. She makes fun of the symbolic weight of that name. About damn time. Anyway, Kate is sick of being in the dark and asks for some answers. “No one can tell you why you’re here, Kate”. Metaphorically. He tells her that he is her friend and wants “to leave”. Where, she asks? He says “let me show you”.
3. On the Island, Kate sees Jack standing in a limpid pool. He looks kinda confused, yet powerful. Like a demigod. Sawyer approaches him and asks if he’s okay. Jack says he is. Sawyer says he wants to know what the hell just happened (when Jack became the new Jacob). Jack says “that makes two of us”. Not counting everybody in the audience. Anyway, he tells Kate and Hurley and Sawyer that they need to get to the glowing vagina pool before MIB can get there and put out the cave light. Sawyer supposes that MIB needs Desmond for that. Hurley says Jacob was “worse than Yoda”, giving-clear-answers-wise. Sawyer goes off after Desmond, trading quips with Kate. Hurley says “I’ve got a bad feeling about this“. I explain to John and Drew that that is the second Star Wars reference in 30 seconds.
4. John hates Sleigh Bells for some reason. Drew and I both like them, though, because we know awesome music when we hear it.
5. Hurley and Sayid pull into a cheap motel in Hollywood. Who’s there? Hurley shows Sayid a tranquilizer gun. Hurley says “if you stick with me, you’ll be happy you did”. He goes inside and finds Charlie, hammered out of his gourd. Hurley is happy to see him (because Charlie was dead for years on the Island), but Charlie doesn’t recognize him. Hurley comes in to convince Charlie to play the concert, just as I predicted LAST WEEK! Hurley says that playing the show is “the most important thing [he'll] ever do” but Charlie demurs. So Hurley shoots him in the back with a tranq dart! Nice. He puts sleeping Charlie in the trunk and they drive off.
6. On the Island, Jack and Kate and Hurley walk around. He says he took Jacob’s job because he was supposed to. “The Island’s all I’ve got left”. Bummer dude. Anyway, Kate says “nothing is irreversible” and Hurley says “this would be really sweet if we weren’t all about to die”. Yep.
7. MIB winds rope some more. Ben pulls a gun on Sawyer, who’s been watching from the shadows. Sawyer walks over and says he was coming to help Desmond get out of the well. MIB says he’s there because he needs Desmond to destroy the Island. Sawyer asks what the next step is — MIB says Sawyer and the rest of the candidates are dead meat. Then Sawyer explains that they’re not candidates anymore. Then he hits Ben in the face and walks away. Ben is pissed off about how MIB is gonna kill the Island, but MIB offers to give Ben a ride out on his boat.
8. OH MAN IT’S VINCENT. He finds and licks Desmond, who was passed out in Rose and Bernard’s little cabin! They make him breakfast. It’s idyllic. Desmond asks Rose how long they’ve been there. She says they were there for a few years starting in 77, then they time travelled, then they hung out some more. She says that Desmond’s gonna need to get the eff out of there. She says she and Bernard have a strict non-participatory attitude. But of course breaking the rule once comes back to haunt them, because MIB and Ben wander into the camp. He says he’ll kill Bernard and Rose if Desmond doesn’t go with him. He vows to “make it hurt” and I believe him. Desmond says he’ll go if MIB says he won’t touch them, ever. MIB agrees, so Desmond says “I’ll do what you want”. MIB, ominously says “yes… you will”. Ads, ads, ads. Drew is a big fan of the NBA fan with the autotuned vintage footage. I think it’s a little ridiculous.
9. MIB and Ben take Desmond through the forest. Desmond is expecting to go somewhere with a very bright light. “Just a hunch”, he says. Ben’s secret walkie talkie crackles. Nobody quite notices. It was Miles, radioing to say he found Alpert, who totally isn’t dead. He is in a bunch of pain though, probably from being slammed into a tree by a smoke monster. Richard insists that they continue on their dumb mission to blow up the plane.
10. LA. At the museum. Miles arrives ina suit with a skinny tie. He sees Sayid and Hurley drive by and is like, didn’t we just lock that guy up? He calls Sawyer to tell him about it. Sawyer is a little worried. Miles asks Sawyer to look after Sun, the only survivor of Sayid’s massacre! Now we see Jin and Sun. She’s a little sore from getting shot in the belly. A doctor is coming to check on the baby. A doctor named Juliet??? Anyway, Jin wants them to run away and she’s dubious. Also, here’s Juliet. She’s alive! And thrilled not to be on V. She checks out the baby on the ultrasound, and as she does so Sun has a flashback memory of Juliet doing the same thing on the Island! Remember? Sun says “I remember!” Jin is like, huh? Then Juliet shows the baby on the monitor and that triggers a Jin flashback for some reason. He remembers their reunion on the beach on the Island and a bunch of other stuff. Like the freighter blowing up. And them dying on the sub. That would be a pretty intense moment, which is pretty much how Sun and Jin react. Anyway, the baby’s in perfect shape, says Juliet. It’s a girl. Juliet’s confused by their English, which just got awesome BTW. Nice one, guys, I like that twist.
11. Sawyer runs through the forest and sneaks up on Jack and Kate and Hurley, whom he calls “bigfoot”. He tells them MIB’s going to the cave. Jack says they’re going there too. I think we knew that already. Drew observes that the music sounds like Star Trek, which is utter nonsense.
12. In LA, Jack talks to Locke pre-surgery. He asks if Locke is nervous. Locke asks if Jack’s sure it’ll work. Jack says he’s confident but admits that there’s a chance he might kill him. They giggle about that. Jack says “see you on the other side” and tells Locke that they found the coffin. Locke says “I hope that brings you some peace”. Jack says that all he wants is to fix Locke.
13. Richard and Miles get in an outrigger to sail over to the Hydra Island. Miles notices taht Richard’s got his first grey hair. Awesome. Richard says “I think I just realized I want to live!” A dead body bumps up under the outrigger and they hear a guy yelling for help. IT’S LAPIDUS! He seems delighted to be rescued, as you might expect. They pull him into the outrigger as Drew asks “who’s he?” They give him some water. I wonder how long he was floating around out there. They tell him they’re going to blow up the plane, but Lapidus points out that instead of blowing it up he could just fly them out of there. Good point.
14. Locke and his crew walk up towards the cave and run into Jack and his crew! Kate starts shooting at him. Kate, you know that won’t work. Locke concurs. He walks up to Jack and they chat. Locke says Jack was “sort of the obvious choice” for candidate. Jack says he can’t stop MIB, and in fact wants to go with him. He says that MIB’s plan to destroy the Island won’t work; Jack says he’s going to kill MIB instead. MIB asks how, and Jack says “that’s a surprise”. Heh. MIB says “let’s get on with it” and we go to commercial. This is pretty fun, I’m very much enjoying the continuous winks at us.
15. Jack walks around in the hospital. He and Juliet chat about how she’s his ex-wife. We’re all completely unsurprised by this revelation. Except Drew. Jack suggests that his son take Claire to the concert. Then Juliet and Jack exchange witty banter.
16. Sawyer walks into the hospital, looking for Sun. But I think she’s already gone? We’ll see.
17. On the Island, Sawyer asks Jack what the killing-MIB surprise is. Jack says it’s Desmond, but he doesn’t really seem to know what the hell is gonna happen. Jack says he thinks Desmond is a weapon. Sawyer points out that “it’s a hell of a long con”. MIB stops and pulls a knife. He says it should just be Jack, Desmond, and himself for the rest of the walk. Jack’s fine with that. Hurley pulls him aside and says “I believe in you, dude”. Then he stares off into space as the three walk away.
18. MIB hears thunder, looks up into the sky and says “gonna be a bad one”. Metaphorically. Anyway, they get to the vagina cave, which Drew observes is not as bright as it used to be. MIB wraps that rope around a tree. Jack ties the other end around Desmond, who says “this doesn’t matter, you know”. Apparently it doesn’t matter at all, presumably because Desmond’s gonna fix everything by letting everyone live in LA X instead. Desmond describes it and says Jack’s there, and they’re best friends, and everything’s wonderful. He offers to bring Jack there. Jack says “there are no shortcuts, no do-overs; what happened, happened … all of this matters”. Interesting. Desmond walks into the cave, with Jack and MIB close behind.
19. LA, nighttime. Hurley and Sayid wait outside a bar. Hurley says he can’t tell Sayid what they’re doing there because he’s not allowed. “There are rules, dude”. Heh. He says he trusts Sayid, because he thinks Sayid is a good guy. This is sweet. He gives him a positive speech about how you get to decide for yourself what kind of person you are. Sayid is like, uh, I’m a merciless killer. Hurley is like, shut up, you’re a good guy. They witness a bar fight between two dudes. But who are they? A woman runs over to break it up. A guy throws her. Sayid goes over to beat the crap out of the jerk and save the girl. WHO’S SHANNON! SHANNON!!!!~! Oh man, awesome. He helps her up and flashes back to their whole awesome relationship. Whoa! Hi Shannon! They both remember everything. This is some awesome closure, y’all. Oh also, the guy who got his ass kicked was Boone. Drew doesn’t know who Boone is. What an idiot. Anyway. Shannon and Sayid make out on the street, which is extremely low-class. Hurley and Boone give them a minute to make out, then we flash to…
20. Hurley, Jack, Ben, and Kate in the jungle. Miles radios to tell Ben that they’re going to fly off the Island. He suggests that they all head over to Hydra. Meanwhile, Claire sneaks out and pulls a gun. Then she shoots the sand a bunch and accuses them of coming to kill her on MIB’s orders. Richard protests, and says they’re just trying to go home. He walks over for a hug and asks her to come with them. She says no and walks back into the forest. Okay, I guess that’s sort of interesting.
21. Desmond goes into the depths of the golden cave, lowered by Jack and MIB. MIB asks if this reminds Jack of anything. MIB points out that this is kind of like when Desmond was in the hatch. It’s just like old times! Jack points out that MIB isn’t Locke. Jack says Locke was right about everything, and he regrets not telling him so before he died. MIB says Locke was an idiot and Jack will see that when the Island falls into the ocean, taking Jack with it. Jack says we’ll just have to wait and see, which DUH. The camera, facing up at MIB and Jack, pans down into the cave, in a shot reminiscent of the one at the end of season 1, when it was falling into the hatch. Remember? Commercials.
22. It’s a fundraiser! Jack’s son and Claire walk in as Juliet runs to the hospital for something or other. Meanwhile, Charlie’s passed out backstage. Charlotte wakes him up. Charlotte! Yay! He winks at her but she’s not into it. She only has eyes for the good doctor, Dan Widmore. He’s there! They chat about Charlie, who is the bass player for Driveshaft, who will be accompanying him on piano. Jack’s son and Claire show up at Desmond’s table. Kate’s also there, and Claire is like WTF? What is she doing here??? Awesome.
23. Pierre Chang (of the Human Fund!) welcomes everyone. He has both arms attached and working, and he introduces Dan Widmore and Driveshaft. Eloise is there to watch! Dan sits down and plays some shit on piano, because I guess in this reality his mom never made him quit piano to learn physics. Charlie spies Claire in the audience and stares at her intensely. She smiles back at him and then feels a contraction! She goes to the bathroom where presumably her water’s going to break. Kate walks after her. Will she help Claire deliver her baby again, and in the process will they both remember the Island??? (Probably.)
24. In the cave, Desmond sees a shitload of skeletons lying around. Then he sees a glowing pool with a pillar or rock or something in the middle of it. He starts to wade in after it. The pool starts flashing and apparently it hurts a lot, but he keeps staggering in after the weird glowing ball thing in the middle. Which he grabs and pulls up and out of the pool. Everything’s still flashing, and epileptics the world over start having seizures. Slowly the light fades until it’s entirely gone. As is the water, actually. Now, out of the hole where that stone was, a flame pops out, slowly growing in intensity. Desmond screams, “no!!!”. MIB tells Jack, “it looks like you were wrong”, and he walks out as the cave and the Island start shaking. It subsides quickly though and Jack runs after him and knocks him down and punches him in the face. As he sees MIB is bloodied, he says “it looks like you were wrong, too!” They fight a bit, then MIB smacks Jack in the side of the head with a rock and runs away as Jack lies dazed. Drew’s unclear on exactly what just happened. I concur. John thinks Locke (MIB) had to be killed, and you had to unleash the Island’s power to let him be killed. And once he’s killed “they’ll be able to plug it up again. Duh balls.” We’ll see. Commercial time!
25. Claire wanders backstage at the concert, where there’s a stuffed shark incidentally. She and Kate work on the baby delivery, as was foretold. Meanwhile, Dan Widmore plays piano. Desmond tells Eloise that he’s decided to ignore her warning not to mess with these people. He says they’re leaving, and she asks if he’s going to take her son. He says “no”, probably because Dan’s already dead on the Island. Anyway, yeah, Kate’s helping Claire deliver. Meanwhile, Charlie has wandered backstage to help or something. He goes after water and blankets. I think that happened on the Island. All of this has already happened on the Island, including most of the dialogue about how Claire and Kate are both scared about her having the baby. I wonder how the actress playing Claire felt about having to do another freaking birth scene? Kate’s flashing to the Island during this, by the way. She seems confused and delighted. Also, Claire successfully has the baby, little Aaron, which sets off her Island memories. Kate cries. Charlie arrives with the blankets. Now Claire and Kate know him! But he doesn’t know them yet! Kate says “thank you” but really for saving them on the Island, not for the blanket. Claire grabs his hand and he remembers everything! It’s kind of sweet, even if he is wearing guyliner. He cries and kisses Claire. Desmond finds them all and smiles. He asks Kate if she understands. She says, “now what?” Meanwhile, John has been contemplating a fantasy baseball trade.
26. We flash to the Island, where Saywer and Ben and Kate and Hurley got knocked down by the shaking Island. Also knocked down? A tree, which is about to fall on Hurley. Ben sees it and knocks him out of the way; alas, the tree lands directly on him, pinning him to the ground and presumably killing him. I mean, if he survived that I consider the entire series an artistic failure. We’ll see. Jack, meanwhile, wakes up by the cave. Also, it’s begun to rain. Jack stands up and looks around. Aw crap. He runs into the cave and calls after Desmond, who doesn’t respond. So he runs off.
27. Oh come on. Apparently Ben’s just stuck, not dead. Everybody tries to move the tree as the Island shakes again but it doesn’t work. Sawyer says the Island is going down. Kate hears Miles on the walkie talkie. They’re uncovering the plane so they can take off and leave. Lapidus says the plane won’t be ready for 5 or 6 hours, but Miles says to get over there in an hour? I didn’t follow.
28. MIB stands by that cliff where the cave with the names on the wall is, looking out at his boat. Jack finds him and calls out at him. Locke pulls his knife and they run at each other! Jack jumps like the guy in 300 and comes down punch-first. But before we see if the punch connects, we go to another goddamn commercial.
29. Okay, we’re back. Turns out they just kind of fell into each other and rolled around. But then Jack punches him in the face! I guess the knife’s gone? Jack gets MIB in a headlock! But MIB punches him a bunch! But then the Island shakes around! They see the knife and both run after it. Then Jack starts choking MIB! Then the cliff starts falling apart! Then MIB reaches the knife@! Then he stabs Jack in the side! Like Jesus. Then he tries to stab him again but Jack catches his arm. The knife scratches his neck, just like the scratch Jack saw in the mirror last episode. MIB says something or other and is about to stab Jack in the face, but then he gets SHOT IN THE BACK BY KATE! Awesome. She says “I saved you a bullet!” Anyway, Jack kicks MIB off the cliff and he smashes his head on a huge rocky tor and yep, he’s dead.
30. At the hospital, Jack’s neck is bleeding. Also, Locke is waking up. Jack asks him not to move. Locke says “it worked” and Jack thinks he’s talking about the surgery. I guess he is, because Locke says he can feel his legs. And he can move his feet! So I guess it did work. Locke’s pretty excited, but then he flashes and remembers everything about the Island. I guess Jack’ll be the last one to remember, because he’s still in the dark. Locke smiles/cries and asks, “you don’t remember?” As he does, Jack starts to remember. Locke says they need to go, and asks Jack to go with him. Jack says he needs to go see his son. Locke says “you don’t have a son” — Jack is confused/worried about that, and asks the nurse to sedate Locke. He says “I hope somebody does for you what you just did for me,” and smiles at him. Matthew Fox does some serious non-speaking acting and walks away. John asks “do you think his son’s not real, and he’s just imagining it?” We go to commercial yet again.
31. We open with a shot of the caves overlooking the boat, where Kate is helping Jack back up. He’s been stabbed pretty hard. Also, it stopped raining. Sawyer and Hurley come over. Kate says “Locke’s dead… it’s over.” Sawyer goes to look. As he does, the Island shakes again and Sawyer points out that it may not be quite over yet.
32. Sawyer finds Sun and Jin in the hospital. They remember him from the Island but he doesn’t remember them back. They are happy to see him. He tells them Sayid’s after them. They say they don’t need protection and walk out. Sun says she’s safe. Jin says “we’ll see you there” and Sawyer asks where? But they’re already gone!
33. Lapidus is checking all the shit on the plane. Looks like there’s a problem with the hydraulics. Miles is in charge of fixing it even though he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Lapidus radios to Ben, “don’t bother me!” which is funny. The Island shakes again. Maybe time to get off that cliff, guys. Kate doesn’t understand why it’s happening now that MIB’s dead. Jack says he needs to get back to the cave and turn it back on. Kate says Jack can go with them to the plane, but we all know he isn’t doing that. Sawyer’s in charge of getting them to the plane. Looks like Ben’s gonna stick with Jack. “If this Island’s going down, I’m going down with it!” [That's what she said.] Hurley wants to stay with Jack, too. Jack tells Kate she has to go put Claire on the plane. She cries a little bit and says “tell me I’m going to see you again”. He can’t, because he doesn’t know! And then they make out in public, like Sayid and Shannon. Kate says she loves him and he reciprocates. Or should I say, reciproKATEs? I shouldn’t, I know. Anyway, Hurley and Ben help him away from the cliff. Commercials.
34. Miles and Richard work on the hydraulics system. “I don’t believe in a lot of things, but I do believe in duct tape.” Funny, Miles! The Island shakes AGAIN. At least it’s not jumping in time, though. That got annoying fast. Anyway, Lapidus radios to Sawyer and says they need to get to Hydra Island ASAP. Sawyer tells Kate they’re gonna have to jump into the water to get to the boat. Kate just jumps right in, cool as a cucumber.
35. Sawyer runs into Jack at the hospital and asks where there’s food. Jack points him to a vending machine (the one where Jacob handed him an Apollo bar!). Sawyer gets there and buys… yep. An Apollo bar. But it gets stuck! Just like when Jack bought one once! Sawyer tries to dig it out and who should appear but his dear sweet Juliet! She asks if he needs any help. They exchange banter. It’s cute. She says that if he unplugs the machine and plugs it back in, the bar will drop. He does so, and the fuse blows, but the candy falls down! Also, they touch hands and she remembers everything. And she says the stuff about getting coffee sometime that we remember her saying in the first episode of this season. They remember each other! Kissing! Fans everywhere delight at their reunion. This is pretty good. Sawyer is happy to see her. She cries a little bit, happily. They make out. There’s a lot of making out and wading in water in this episode. It’s like Real World: Las Vegas.
36. Jack arrives at the concert. He sees Kate, who walks over to him and says “it’s over”. She means the concert. Kinda. She smiles at him. He says he’s looking for his son. He kinda remembers her, because of the whole Locke thing. But also, she tells him about from stealing his pen on Oceanic 815 (the one that landed successfully). But she says that’s how he knows her. She holds his face in her hands and says she’s missed him so much. He has some more flashes and asks her what’s happening to him. Who she is. She says if he comes with her, he’ll understand. Just do it, Jack.
37. Flash to the Island, where Hurley is helping him to the cave. Ben just walks around behind them. Remember when he was pinned under a tree? How did he get out of there again? Anyway, Jack says he’s going down there alone. Jack suggests to Hurley that he’s probably not going to survive for a return trip. Hurley says he won’t let Jack die. Jack says he’s already dead. This is what he’s supposed to do. Hurley is upset. Jack says the Island needs Hurley to take over for him. Jack says Hurley’s the one who’s supposed to protect the Island. Hurley agrees, on a temporary basis. He says he’s giving it back to Jack after Jack fixes the cave. The Island shakes again. Jack gets some water to turn into magic juice, and gives it to Hurley. Hurley drinks it and grows giant muscles and punches a hole in the sky. Just kidding. Nothing much happens. But I guess Hurley’s like Jack now.
38. The plane. Lapidus starts her up. It works! OMG! IT WORKS!
39. Hurley lowers Jack into the cave. Ben helps. The Island shakes again and they kinda drop him but he’s okay. Sorta. He unties himself and starts walking in, where the hellmouth is in full force. He wakes up Desmond, who says he turned out the light. Jack helps him out of the way and tells him that he’s gonna put the stone back in the hole. He ties Desmond up safely and says “I’ll see you in another life, brother”. Classic.
40. Sawyer and Kate wash up on the beach at Hydra Island. As they look back, huge chunks of the main Island are tumbling into the sea. Claire, on Hydra, is just kind of staring into space. The plane is moving, meanwhile, backing up (I thought jets only moved forward — don’t they need helper vehicles to back them up? CONTINUITY ERROR!). Anyway, Claire’s worried about going back to the real world because she’s gone nuts and Aaron might not like her. But Kate talks her into it so they run over to the plane, which Lapidus is preparing to take off in. Doesn’t look like they’ll make it, though, as Lapidus is throttling up for takeoff. D’oh. They radio over but he can’t hear. But then just as Lapidus is about to go Sawyer runs over and waves at them. So they stop and open up for Sawyer, Kate, and Claire. Okay.
41. Jack crawls over to the stone that needs to get plugged back in the hole. He slowly drags it over. It looks heavy. But okay, he gets it in. Nothing appears to have changed, though. Everything’s still shaking and burning and stuff. WTF!
42. The trio gets on the plane with Miles, Richard, and Lapidus, who says “we’re running out of time!” Whatever. Oh, but they kind of are, because cracks are opening up below the plane. But off it goes. I wonder if they’ll make it. They approach the end of the runway and Lapidus pulls up. Up she goes, just in time! Nice shot of the plane shooting up into the air, as Lapidus says “amen”. Everybody on the plane seems pretty happy about this. Kate and Claire hold hands! Sawyer looks out the window and we cut to…
43. Jack, in the cave, where everything remains awful. Oh, but water is dripping in and filling the pool! And the golden light is back! Okay, so it was just a delayed reaction. Jack cries with delight. Some nice shots of the cave working. Hurley and Ben pull on the rope, but I don’t think it’s tied to Jack anymore. It’s not! It’s Desmond! Hurley and Ben are confused and now worried because Jack’s lying in the pool, crying happily. And is presumably going to drown! Commercials.
44. We open on a statue of Christ, palms outstretched. Subtle, guys. Locke pulls up in a taxi. The driver takes a wheelchair out of the trunk and helps Locke into it. Locke seems very happy as he wheels in and sees Ben, sitting and looking at the church. They say hi to each other, and Locke asks if everyone’s already inside. Ben says they are. He apologizes for what he did to Locke. He says he was jealous, and wanted everything Locke had. Locke asks what that was. Ben says he was special. Locke says that he forgives Ben, who says that matters more than he can say. Okay. He says he’s going to stay here (LA?) a while, and says he doesn’t think Locke needs to be in the chair anymore. And he’s right. Locke gets up and walks into the church! That’s got to be a good feeling. John asks, “what is Ben?” and I just have no idea how to answer that question. So yeah, Ben watches as Locke goes into the church and we flash back to the Island.
45. Ben tends to an unconscious Desmond, who he says is going to be okay. Hurley observes that Jack’s gone. Ben nods. Hurley cries. He asks Ben what he’s supposed to do. Ben tells him to do what he does best: take care of people. He suggests that Hurley doesn’t have to do things the way Jacob did them. Hurley asks Ben to help. Ben is sooooooo psyched. He says he’d be honored. Nice. I guess he’s over that whole getting-crushed-by-a-tree thing, huh?
46. Meanwhile, he sits outside the church. Hurley walks out and invites him in. Ben declines, though. Hurley tells him “you’re a real good number 2″, which I think means he’s a piece of shit. But Ben doesn’t take it that way — he says “you’re a great number 1″. Hurley goes back inside as Jack and Kate pull up in his jeep. Jack says they’re at the church where Jack was gonna have his father’s funeral, and asks why she brought him there. She says they’re going to have a funeral! She tells him to come in when he’s ready to leave. To leave for the Island,w here he’s dead? Seems like a raw deal.
47. Oh hey. Maybe he’s not dead, since we flash to him waking up on the Island, in the same place where MIB’s human body washed up after Jacob threw him into the golden cave. He still seems pretty hurt but I guess he didn’t drown, anyway.
48. He walks into the church in LA, into an office covered in religious symbols from many different nations and denominations. It’s like a unitarian study. In it he also finds a coffin. He approaches it, touches it, and has another flash of the Island. I guess this is the big one, where he remembers everything, finally. He opens the coffin, which is empty. He closes it and hears his father’s voice. He turns around and sees him, standing there! Jack asks what the hell is going on. Christian asks Jack “how are you here?” Jack says “I died too”. Christian hugs him and says “it’s okay, son”. Jack cries. They say they love each other. Christian assures Jack that they’re both real; that everything that’s ever happened to him is real; that all the people in the church are real. Jack says “they’re all dead?” and Christian points out that everybody dies eventually. This is kind of bleak. Anyway, Christian observes that “there is no now here”. So LA X is purgatory? The Island’s real and LA X is purgatory? Apparently, as the Architect would say, it’s a construct they created to find each other. Christian says they all needed each other “to remember; and let go”. Christian explains that they’re not leaving. They’re “moving on”. To the great unknown.
49. Jack and Christian go into the church, where everybody’s smiling and hugging and stuff. Meanwhile, on the Island, he’s staggering through the jungle. In church, Locke says they’ve been waiting for Jack. Oh, there’s Desmond and Penny. Okay. Boone! Poor Boone has no one to make out with but he gets to hug Jack at least. Well look, Jack’s hugging everybody so let’s just take that as a given. Also, he gets to kiss Kate. Rose and Bernard are there, too. No Walt or Michael though :( On the Island, he finds a nice little clearing in the sun and dies, amongst the bamboo where he first woke up on the Island. Vincent runs over and licks his face, to Jack’s delight. Vincent lies down next to him as Jack turns his head to the sky. In the church, Christian opens the doors and walks out into a golden light which illuminates the whole interior. Jack looks at Kate and smiles. Finally, on the Island, we see Jack, facing up, as the plane flies over and out. We close with a shot of his eye, closing, right were it opened to start the pilot.
50. LOST
51. Lost has never had anything over the closing credits but music. Weirdly, however, over these credits we get a bunch of static shots of the original crash wreckage, empty. Is the point of that that everyone found peace, so the crash survivors were somehow not there after the crash anymore? I don’t really get it. A Sopranos-esque thing to get people talking, I guess? What do you think it meant?

Final final thoughts: I’m not really going to spend too much time trying to figure out what happened, exactly. I’ll just say that the episode was pretty satisfying. Wildly predictable in many ways, and not terribly clear with respect to the nature of LA X, and perhaps a bit heavy on the inclusion of details and characters meant to reward long-time viewers, but not bad. Kind of strange that in the end, the only characters who made it off the Island were Claire, Kate, Sawyer, Richard, Miles, and Lapidus — the last three weren’t even on the show in the first season! But I guess it’s implied that Ben, Hurley, and Desmond could leave the Island, too, in the future. But again, 2/3 of that group wasn’t around in season one. I guess that’s not really what we’re supposed to be focusing on; rather, we’re supposed to be focusing on the surviving characters accepting their various roles, and finding some kind of closure.

Speaking of which, let’s talk briefly about how they created the LA X/purgatory timeline. It started when Juliet set off the bomb at the end of last season, right? But what is it, and what’s its purpose? It turned out that Desmond was going around getting everyone’s memories back, which allowed us all to enjoy seeing various couples get back together etc. However, none of the stuff that happened in LA X ended up making any difference whatsoever with respect to what happened on the Island. It was just an artificial closure machine, basically. So why bother? They defeated MIB and saved the Island/world without any help from LA X — the information really only flowed one way, toward the Matrixy joyworld where muddle religious symbolism brought everyone inner peace. Did we just spend half of the season on self-indulgent fanservice allowing many of the characters who got a raw deal on the Island to get a happy ending of sorts without really earning it? I think the answer’s not no. But it was fun to watch Miles and Sawyer as buddy cops, and to see Jack as a relatively well-adjusted dude who doesn’t drink all the time and grow giant beards. And it provided the opportunity to get cameos from the many, many secondary characters who’ve been killed off over the last six years. So even if it’s patent nonsense that really didn’t serve any purpose with respect to the overarching plot, I can’t really be too upset about it.

And as for everything that happened on the Island… I was satisfied. Did the stone cork that held in the golden magical light really make sense? I dunno, not really? But it served its purpose, as a MacGuffin to be resolved in dramatic, powerful fashion. And how did Ben survive getting crushed by an enormous tree? Uh, the Island’s powerful magnetic fields? Sure, whatever it takes. And, you know, there are a hundred other things I could take issue with, but it all worked well enough for me. We got to see a bunch of small victories (like Miles fixing the hydraulic system with duct tape and sarcastic remarks) and, ultimately, one big one. Jack got to do what he does best — hurt himself for the benefit of others — and we got to see Hurley step up and be more than a surrogate for the audience. Lapidus defied the odds (or, rather, the certainties) and survived being unconscious in a sinking submarine. Rose and Bernard got to show some hospitality once again (I wonder how they felt when the Island started shaking and sloughing off acres of cliff), and Vincent made an entirely unnecessary reappearance. It was silly and implausible, on the whole, but at this point complaining about Lost being silly and implausible is like complaining about New York being expensive. It comes with the territory.

In the end, I wasn’t expecting much from the finale. I was sure they wouldn’t be able to answer all of our questions, and the sheer number of characters we care(d) about made it impossible to believe we’d get satisfying conclusions to everyone’s stories. All I was really hoping for was what we got, an ambitious effort to bring things back around and justify the time we’ve all spent following the show. The finale was ridiculous in a lot of ways, but it was everything we’ve come to know about Lost over the last six years, good and bad: action-packed but kind of whimsical; focused on character and dramatic arcs; cheesy at times; filled with meandering (and at-times incoherent) plots and often-predictable “twists”; and responsive to what the writers know fans want to see, even if it doesn’t totally make sense. And although we sort of got an “it was all a dream” ending, that description was mercifully reserved for the unimportant yet emotionally-rewarding sideshow that was LA X. And, in fact, the real ending we got, which I think is hard to even notice between all the heavenly imagery and tearful reunions that dotted the last hour of the show, is really kind of dark: a reminder that almost every character we cared about died, some of them died quite badly, and even those who are still alive aren’t going to live forever. Who would have thought that Lost‘s ultimate message would be a memento mori?

1. Last week on Lost: some characters we hadn’t ever heard about until earlier this season did some crap that we didn’t care about. But it was all worth it because, uh, now we know the Island’s mystical powers emanate from a moist glowing golden cave. Which, you know, there’s no symbolism one could find in that. Anyway, let’s just go ahead and move onto this week’s episode, which might include a scene or two containing the characters we’ve been watching for the last six years.
2. Okay, so first of all you should know that Erin Andrews is still on Dancing with the Stars. Sorry, Chad Ochocinco :( Okay now on to the actual show.
3. Oh right, they have to show us all the bomb stuff in flashback because WE DIDN’T SEE ANY OF IT LAST WEEK. So yeah. Jin and Sun died. So did Sayid. Kate got shot. Lapidus is almost certainly toast. On with the show.
4. Jack opens his eyes in LA. He has a big bleeding cut on his neck. That’s weird! His son made breakfast. They love each other. His son has a concert that night. His ex-wife is going too. Her name is… MIB? Because they pull the same shit with her name. So annoying. Anyway, Claire is there and has breakfast with them. No squirrel-baby to be found. Oceanic Air calls to say they found Christian’s coffin! It’ll be arriving by the end of the day. Only…
5. It was Desmond! In an American accent! Anyway, we cut to the beach where…
6. Jack stitches up Kate. Apparently the bullet went straight through so, sorry folks, she’s not gonna die. But she babbles to Jack about Jin/Sun’s baby girl. We’re sad too, Kate. Oh wait, she’s not sad. She’s angry. We have to kill Locke, Jack! Jack concurs. Shouldn’t these people be calling him something else now?
7. Commercials, during which Drew asks a series of dumber and dumber questions indicating that he has no idea at all what’s going on, either on Lost or in the world at large.
8. Stuff washes up on shore. Life preservers, severed limbs, etc. Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Hurley look on sadly. Guys, that was TWO WEEKS AGO. Get over it. Anyway, Jack says they’re off to find Desmond “in a well”. That narrows things down… marginally.
9. LA X. Desmond watches Locke wheel through the high school parking lot. Where Desmond ran him over before. Which Ben remembers. Desmond punches him a bunch which is fun. Not for Ben really. But Ben does kinda flash back to the memory of getting his ass kicked by Desmond by the pier when he (Ben) tried to kill Desmond. Remember?
10. Ben and Miles and Richard walk through the jungle and chat about explosives and stuff. Apparently Ben hid a bunch of C4 somewhere, which they’re going to get so they can blow up the plane. Which is… wired with C4 already? They approach the Others’ village, where Miles senses some “dead stuff”. He’s picking up Alex’s deaththoughts or something, because Richard buried her there. Ben killed Jacob because he was so sad that Alex died. Remember? But that’s it for that, because they have to go into a house to get the C4 from Ben’s secret hiding place! So yeah, Ben finds the C4 and they take enough to blow the plane to hell. Then they hear noises outside! It’s gotta be Jack et al, right? Oh, it’s just Tina Fey. And Widmore. CHARLES Widmore. Ben’s surprised by his appearance. More ads.
11. Widmore helps himself to a glass of water. Great plumbing they’ve got on this Island. He sends Tina off to do something or other and asks Ben what they’re up to. He mentions to them that he already rigged the plane. Doofuses. He says Jacob visited him and told him how to get back to the Island “for this exact purpose”. Guess what purpose we don’t get to hear about before we’re interrupted by the news that MIB is on the way and they have to hide!
12. In LA, Ben gets treated by the school nurse for his getting-his-ass-kicked. Locke stops by to say hello, and Ben tells him about Desmond’s vicious assault upon his person, and his subsequent remembrance of things past. So basically the memory of the alternate timeline is getting a little more obvious lately.
13. Desmond stops by the police station to see Sawyer and/or Miles. Sawyer. Desmond tells him that he’s the guy who ran down Locke and beat the crap out of Ben. They lock him up. With Sayid! And Kate! He’s a time-traveling genius, man.
14. Sawyer and Jack wander the woods. Sawyer asks Jack about his cockamamie “the bomb can’t kill us” idea. Jack admits that he’s been wrong before. Great, maybe consider this before putting these ridiculous plans into action?Hurley and Kate walk throuhg the forest. Hurley seeks an apparition of young Jacob! Young Jacob asks for the ashes Hurley took from Alana a couple episodes back. He snatches them and runs off! Hurley runs after him! But Hurley is not a great tracker so he loses him immediately, then wanders deeper and finds… grown-up Jacob! He’s wearing white. Anyway, Jacob says he’s burning up his ashes, after which he’s gone for good. Jacob says that Hurley needs to get his friends because it’s “very close to the end”. That’s a double entendre, which is French for “incredibly unsubtle phrasing”. Ads. Does the Karate Kid remake look terrible? Answer: not no. Also, Drew has no idea what Yo Gabba Gabba is. Um, hello?
15. MIB walks around on the pier. He seems perturbed. Back at the village, everybody is going to flee. Except Ben Linus, who seems to be on a suicide mission and wants to stay to chat with MIB. Richard seems of an equal mind. Miles is like, I’d rather not get killed by the supernatural being who gives not a whit for human life.
16. Richard and Ben idle in the courtyard, waiting to get killed. The smoke monster SLAMS INTO RICHARD and yeah, I think that’s it for him? Assuming he’s not still immortal or whatever. Anyway, Ben takes it in stride and sits down to wait for MIB to stop murdering and say hi. Which is what happens next. MIB pulls out his knife and says he needs Ben to kill some people for him. In exchange, he offers Ben the Island. Ben says okay but he’s obviously lying. Locke asks where Widmore is, and Ben says “he’s hiding in my closet”. How will this subvert our expectations, I wonder?
17. LA. Ben drops his keys. Alex, the daughter he lost in the other timeline, comes over to help! Sniff. She offers to have her mom drive him home. Her mom… Rousseau! Except she’s not crazy here! She’s even wearing a dress. It’s implied that they will fall in love, possibly over coq au vin, which he shares with the ladies that night. Rousseau suggests to Ben that he serves as a father figure to Alex, which he quietly enjoys hearing. He kinda almost cries actually, just like Lauren does while watching. What a baby.
18. Suicidal Linus leads MIB to the hidden chamber where Widmore and Tina Fey are hiding out. Or is it? It is. Guess Ben really did sell them out! MIB asks Tina a question, which she responds to, and then MIB cuts her throat! So now MIB says that he’s going to kill Penny unless Widmore tells him what he needs to know. Which is why Widmore came back. Widmore says he brought Desmond back to the Island as a measure of last resort. He won’t say more in front of Ben, so MIB asks Widmore to whisper it to him. As Widmore tries to whisper it to MIB, Ben shoots him! “He doesn’t get to save his daughter”. Badass. But apparently he’d already told MIB what he needed to know so it didn’t really matter, aside from an old rich guy getting killed. That was eventful.
19. Kate and Sawyer and Hurley and Jack walk through the jungle. They come upon good ol’ Jacob. I guess they can all see him this time. Here come more answers! He wrote everybody’s names on the wall. Apparently that’s why they’re dead? Or something. Jacob says he’ll explain what they died for. I hope it’s ratings. Anyway, he’ll say why he chose them, and why he chose Jack etc., and what they have to do to protect the Island, which apparently one of them will have to do once Jacob’s ashes die out. I guess that’ll be the “Candidate”. But first, commercials for stuff. I’m getting the impression that we’re in for a lot of Toy Story 3 commercials (and commercials for other stuff leveraging Toy Story 3 characters).
20. Locke finally goes to see Jack for that consult. Ben’s story about getting his ass kicked obviously got to him. They have some small talk and then it’s time to get down to brass tacks. Locke notes that they were on the same flight from Sydney, then Locke threw away Jack’s card, then Locke got hit by a car and ended up with Jack, who saved his life and asked to fix his walking problem. Then Desmond beat the crap out of Linus and told him that he was there to help Locke “let go”. Which is exactly what Jack said to him the last time they saw each other! It’s… it’s like this is a television program! But no, Locke just thinks it all happened for a reason. Maybe Jack’s supposed to fix him! Anyway, Locke is there and wants to get out of that chair. SWEET.
21. Around the fire. Jacob says he brought them all to the Island because he made a mistake (probably the whole golden vagina cave thing). “You call him ‘the Monster’”. Uh no they don’t. But whatever. So yeah, because of that, he eventually killed Jacob, and because of that one of them has to replace him. Sawyer complains about how he was doing fine before he got dragged to the Island. But Jacob notes that none of them were happy before; they were all flawed; “all alone, all looking for something”. He chose them because they needed the Island as much as the Island needed them! Also, apparently he crossed out Kate’s name because she became a mommy and Jacob didn’t want her to take the job. Anyway, he says the job is to protect the shiny golden cave, and the only way to do that is to kill MIB. Jacob says he’s not going to pick who’s taking over for him; he wants them to have a choice. So basically one of them will have to volunteer. Guess who does it. Jack! He says that’s why he’s there; that’s what he’s supposed to do. Jacob seems happy about it.
22. Now, some more ads. One more adorable attempt to get people to give a shit about V.
23. Jacob and Jack walk around while the rest of the gang watches. Jacob tells Jack where to find the cave of glory. He tells Jack that he needs to get there before MIB. But first, he needs to drink some God Water. Jack asks how long he’ll need to do this job, and Jacob says “as long as you can”. Meanwhile Lauren asks questions that will obviously only be answered in the finale. Anyway, Jack drinks and now he’s like Jacob. But he’s not wearing white!
24. LA X; prison. Sawyer says they’re shipping everyone off to county. Kate asks him to let her go, because she’s innocent. He doesn’t buy it. Kate and Sayid and Desmond hang in the transport van. Desmond says “I think it’s time to leave”. They all agree they’d like to leave the van. He says he will only let them go if they promise to do something for him (which he won’t specify til… next week, I reckon). So the van stops and ANA LUCIA opens the door! She let’s them all out! Drew asks “who’s she?” Here comes Hurley in his big yellow Hummer! He remembers Ana Lucia from the other timeline; she doesn’t remember him though. Looks like there’s a plan! Kate goes with Desmond in the Camero parked nearby; apparently they’re going to a concert. Charlie???? Hurley and Sayid are off to who knows where?
25. Ben asks MIB why he walks around all the time when he can just get smokey. MIB says some nonsense about wanting to feel human, but c’mon. We know the answer is the special effects budget. They find the well where Desmond isn’t dead (or even present). Ben asks MIB what Widmore said to him. Apparently Desmond was a failsafe; one final way to ensure that MIB couldn’t leave even if a candidate survived. Apparently, though, Desmond is also the only one who can do what MIB wants to do — destroy the Island!
26. LOST

Final thoughts: That was predictably much better than last week’s episode. A lot happened, much of it especially rewarding for dorks who have been obsessing over the show for years. Jacob answered a bunch of questions, and we didn’t have to watch child actors running around in tunics to get the answers this time. Things are tightening up in both timelines, and everybody’s doing their part to move things toward some kind of a resolution. Which is really all we can reasonably ask for at this point.

Of course it looks like we’re in for a classic Lost season finale in which two or three groups of people traipse around the Island trying to get to one or two places and destroy/save stuff/people. But this time they’ll be doing it in two timelines! Also, Jack will apparently be blessed with god-like powers. I wonder how that will play out. I’m pretty confident that it will be entertaining and interesting and some more people will get killed. But if Jack is successful in killing MIB and saving the Island/world, won’t that mean that we’re stuck with the Island reality and all those dead people stay dead. Which, actually, is exactly what I want — for the various sacrifices we’ve seen over the last six years to really mean something. It does call into question exactly what the purpose/fate of the LA X timeline is, though everyone in LA’s burgeoning awareness of their Matrixitude suggests that we’ll see them accomplish some necessary stuff over there in order to save the Island. So, in sum, I thought originally that the Island people might have to sacrifice themselves to make the LA X reality permanent, but it’s now looking more like the LA X folks are going to have to accept their own evanescence in order to secure the world we, the audience, have been watching since September 2004. Which is a good thing.

Next week: 2.5 hours!

1. Last week on Lost: Kate got shot but didn’t die yet; Sayid blew up real good; Sun and Jin opted to make their daughter an orphan; and some other stuff happened. None of which will be at all relevant to this episode in any way.
2. We open on the wreckage of a boat (I think? there’s wood and rope). Some buxom woman pops out of the water onto some flotsam and eventually washes up on the beach. She is heavy with child. She wanders across Hawaii a generic verdant island landscape. She sees a reflection in the creek and it is a SERIOUSLY grungy Alison Janney (CJ Cregg!). Like, I think she’s been following Phish around for a few years. She’s speaking Latin and offers to help the pregnant lady. After a while they switch to English to make life easier for us, because at some point the producers of Lost decided that we’re too stupid to read subtitles anymore. Anyway, CJ says she’s the only one there; she got to the Island by accident. She tells the pregnant lady to stop asking questions, which is annoying, and says that she (CJ) will find whatever other people might show up on the Island. Then the other lady has baby contractions. “It’s coming”. I’ve heard that before. Anyway, CJ midwifes the other lady through a screaming birth. Out pops a baby who looks annoyed. It’s a boy. His name is Jacob. JUST LIKE ME. CJ is delighted. Oh but hold on. There’s another baby. A TWIN BABY. Gee, I wonder who this will turn out to be. So CJ sets Jacob down and shepherds (see what I did there?) the other boy into the world. What should we call him? Apparently the pregnant lady only picked one name in advance. Moron. Oh, guess what color the respective children’s swaddling clothes are. Hint: you know already. CJ goes over to the lady and pummels the shit out of her face with a rock. So that’s two more babies that got orphaned on this stupid island. Credits.
3. At the beach. A young boy with dark hair finds something lying in the sand. He’s wearing a vest but no undershirt, like a prehistoric Jonas Brother. He opens a wooden box. It’s a game involving black and white stones. The kid’s brother, who actually does look like a young Jacob, shows up. They start playing, but only after Boy in Black (BIB) says they can’t tell “mother” (CJ). Speaking of which, she’s messing around on the loom. Jacob tells her that his brother, who clearly we’ll never get to hear a name for, is at the beach. He lies and says they were walking on the beach before. She asks if he loves her, which he says yes to (he probably doesn’t know she killed his real mom). She asks him to tell her what really happened. She finds BIB at the beach, looking at a turtle that washed ashore and playing with that game. She says that Jacob doesn’t know how to lie, unlike BIB, who is “special”. CJ says she left the game for him, but I’m thinking she’s a giant liar, just like BIB. For example, she tells him that “there is nowhere else; the Island is all there is”. God, get real CJ. Oops, she accidentally spilled the beans about mortality, but it’s okay, because apparently it’s “something [BIB] will never have to worry about”.
4. Cut to the boys boar-hunting. They seem to be enjoying this a lot. Oh but they come upon it and it turns out the boar’s already been speared. BUT BY WHOM? Well, I guess it must be these mysterious hairy dudes we see tearing it apart for lunch. LOS OTROS? Of course we don’t see anybody’s faces or anything.
5. The boys run back to CJ and are like, WTF mom. She’s annoyed. “They don’t belong here. We are here for a reason”. What reason? Sorry, we don’t answer questions on the Island. She just tells the boys to come with her. Blindfolded for some reason. “They come, they fight, they corrupt, it always ends the same.” Sounds familiar. CJ says “I’ve made it so you can never hurt each other” and points them to a magical cave filled with golden light. “This is the reason we’re here”. Perhaps it’s filled with leprechaun treasure??? She says not to go in, and that it’s filled with “the warmest, brightest light you’ve ever seen or felt”. And apparently they can’t let anyone find it for some reason. Oh god, it’s soul dust. Anyway, if people break the cave light it goes out everywhere and everybody dies or something. She says that one of the boys will have to protect it. She still won’t say BIB’s name though. So annoying. Time for a series of stupid, stupid commercials. The dad in this Verizon commercial is doing a Bob Saget impression. He forgot to swear continuously, however.
6. The boys play that stone game. Jacob tries to do something “against the rules” which BIB set. BIB says “one day you will make up your own game and everyone will have to follow your rules” and I roll my eyes. Then BIB sees a vision of his real mom! He runs after the apparition! She says Jacob can’t see her because she’s dead. He’s like the only dude who’s ever not been able to see dead people. She leads BIB across the Island, to where she says he came from. It’s a village of people! They don’t seem to be Dharma-affiliates. Anyway, they’re refugees from the shipwreck that got his mom to the Island. She reveals that there’s a ton of stuff “across the sea” and that’s where he’s from. She also notes that CJ’s not his mom. He’s gonna be so pissed. Actually I shouldn’t use the future tense. He was like, immediately pissed. He sneaks back to the cave, wakes Jacob up, and leads him into the woods. He tells Jacob that they’re running away and never coming back. Jacob is like, no, I follow rules! I’m a good boy! They get in a fight when BIB says she’s not even their mother. He bloodies BIB’s face a bunch. Then CJ shows up and separates them. BIB reveals all he knows. CJ isn’t happy about any of this. BIB tries to get Jacob to run away with him. Jacob is a total (non)mama’s boy, though, and refuses. CJ tells BIB that he can’t ever leave the Island. He says “that’s not true — and one day I can prove it!” That’s not the subtlest of lines but I guess it’ll suffice to demonstrate his motivation. He wanders off into the woods and CJ just lets him go for some reason.
7. She and Jacob sit on the beach and chat. He asks about the whole killing-his-real-mom thing. CJ admits it — “if I had let her live, she would have taken you back to her people”. And apparently they’re very bad for some reason? He asks, if I’m so good, why do you love BIB more than me? Busted. She says “I love you in different ways”, which of course means that she loves BIB more. But he agrees to stay with her anyway. What a pushover! Oh hey, more commercials already! I can’t believe Grey’s Anatomy is still on television. I can’t even entirely believe it was ever on television.
8. Jacob is all grown up. They don’t even try to make the actor look young. CJ tells him she’s “just tired” which means she’s gonna die soon. He watches his brother from afar. He’s working with the people! Then they play that game together again. MIB asks why Jacob watches them. Jacob says he wants to know if CJ is right that the people are bad. After 30 years with them, MIB says they’re a bunch of assholes, but he’s with them because they’re a means to an end — getting off the Island. He says he found a way, then demonstrates the magnetic superpowers of a nearby well. Presumably Jacob’s never even seen a magnet before at all, so he must be very impressed. MIB says that the people have found similar places all over the Island, and dug wells. And this time they found something. He asks Jacob to come with him (this is like a motif of the episode!), but Jacob says he doesn’t want to leave because the Island is his home. Also, he says CJ is never gonna die, so apparently he’s kind of a dummy.
9. He goes crying to mommy, tells her MIB found a way to leave the Island. CJ is not happy about this at all. She sneaks over to the well, where the people are doing some kind of crap or other. Then they leave the well, except for one guy (MIB!). He’s down in the well, tending a fire. CJ comes down and they chat. She says she’s worried. MIB says he looked all over the Island for the golden light and couldn’t find it. Finally he figured out that he should just do some digging. Anyway, he points out that if he doesn’t have a clue about how the Island works it’s because she refused to tell him. Fair point. He chisels a rock out of the wall and a beautiful golden light pops out. He says he’s going to make a big opening, and attach a big wheel, and then he’s going to turn it, and then he’ll be able to leave the Island. She asks how he knows it’ll work. Good question! But apparently he knows because he’s “special”. Oh good grief, special again. Anyway, CJ says well, I guess this is goodbye. She approaches for a hug. She cries a little. He cries a little too. Oh, and then she apologizes and bashes his head into the wall. Kinda violent, CJ, I must say, though also pretty predictable! More ads! Worse show name — Cougartown? or Happy Town?
10. Jacob wakes up in his cavebed. I wonder if CJ will tell him she murdered his twin brother. Well, she wakes him up and says “it’s time” which is not synonymous with “I killed MIB”. She says she let him go, which is really stretching the truth. Anyway, she brings Jacob to the magic light cave and says Jacob’s going to protect it now. She says it contains life, death, rebirth — it’s “the source, the heart, of the Island”. So, uh, does it have HVAC? She asks Jacob to promise never to go down there — it’d be worse than dying, she says. So I guess now we know how the series will end? She pulls a bottle out, says some crap in Latin, and tells Jacob to drink it. She says that if he drinks it he will be pledged to protect the Island for as long as he can, until he can find his replacement. Jacob’s like, eff that noise, you always wanted MIB to do it! And she just plain lies again, and says “it was always supposed to be you, I see that now”. Yeah right lady. But he drinks the stuff anyway, because this guy was a real moron. Once he drinks, she says “now you and I are the same”. And he seems quite different, like maybe he’s not a complete idiot.
11. MIB wakes up on the ground by the well. So maybe she didn’t kill him? Just knocked him out? That wasn’t clear! He sees that the well has been utterly destroyed — filled in with dirt and stuff. Then he sees smoke and discovers his people’s village has been burned to the ground. Also, they’re all dead. This is pretty messed up. He finds his stupid game in the embers of the fires. Then he cries and, presumably, embraces his role as evil incarnate. It all comes back to bad parenting, doesn’t it? Speaking of which, here’s a Chili’s ad!
12. Thunder rolls over the Island as Jacob and CJ walk through. “Storm comin’”, he observes. Sigh. She tells him to go get some firewood before it rains. He says he’ll see her back at home but there’s no way she’s gonna still be alive. She gets back there, and sees everything’s been torn to shreds and broken. Probably by MIB, huh. She finds his game box. She pulls out a dark stone and a light stone, and holds the dark stone up to the light. And then MIB stabs her in the stomach for being a really, really bad mother. He asks why she wouldn’t let him leave. She says “because, I love you. Thank you [for stabbing me]. *dies*”. He cries again. Make up your mind, dude! Oh yeah, and then Jacob shows up and doesn’t understand. They fight! Jacob punches him a million times. Then Jacob drags MIB through the forest while MIB whines about how she killed all his friends. He points out that Jacob can’t kill him, and Jacob says don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you. He drags him to the golden light cave, then knocks him out on a rock, then floats him into the golden light cave. What the hell was he thinking???
13. The golden light goes out. Then the smoke monster sounds go off. Then the smoke monster erupts from the formerly-golden light cave! Whoops.
14. Jacob seems a little confused about just what, exactly, he thought he was doing. Then he stumbles upon his brother’s body, broken upon a bunch of rocks. Jacob holds him tenderly for a creepy moment. Then he drags his body into the cave and lays it right next to CJ’s. Or should I say Eve’s???? Yeah, I think I’ll go with that. He also places the dark and light stones by the bodies.
15. Then we momentarily see Jack and Kate in the caves, in the scene from years ago where Jack found the stones in that little bag next to the mysterious skeletons. And then Locke says “our very own Adam and Eve”. Thanks, producers, I think we could have figured this one out without the goddamn flashbacks.
16. Anyway, Jacob looks at them sadly and says “goodbye, brother… goodbye”. Cripes, that was about the least subtle episode of Lost we’ve ever seen.
17. LOST

Final thoughts: So great. Now, instead of “the numbers” or “the smoke monster” the answer to all of the Island’s mysteries is “the golden light that is part of every living soul”. And apparently MIB went through his entire existence without ever having an actual name, which if you ask me is justification enough for his centuries-long killing spree. We also learn that the habit of refusing to answer direct questions predominated long before the Losties ever showed up. I guess we did at least learn that the two boys we saw mysteriously on the Island were Jacob and BIB (although I no longer remember who saw them or in what circumstances). And we also learned that you don’t actually need to know anything about science to figure out how to get off the Island. I guess the Dharma Initiative was just filled with mouth-breathing nitwits.

Honestly? I would rather have had five minutes of exposition in some other episode than wasted one of the last three episodes on this. Good to see Alison Janney get work, I suppose, but really. I think this was a bit of a miscue. One interesting (maybe) question: is the smoke monster still whatever BIB/MIB was before Jacob tossed him into the cave? Or did that person die along with the body Jacob laid to rest next to the woman he killed, who had killed his own mother (WTF???)? I guess we’re to assume that his consciousness shifted into the smoke monster, but in that case it’s hard to understand what the big deal is about his body anyway. I am confused, and me being confused about new mysteries at this stage of the game is really questionable storytelling.

Next week: we get to watch some characters we’ve actually followed for more than one season! Huzzah!

1. Locke wakes up. Jack tells him he’s a… CANDIDATE. A candidate for fancy surgery to fix his legs. Peggy rushes in and thanks Jack for saving Locke. Then we switch back to the Island.
2. Hydra Island, specifically. All of our friends are being held at gunpoint by Widmore’s friends. But then Sawyer, who really doesn’t want to get back in the bear cages (even though last time he did that he got to third base with Kate), grabs a Patton Oswalt-looking dude’s gun and TURNS THE TABLES! Oh but then Widmore shows up with his own gun and says he will kill Kate, whose name is not on the List. Sawyer gives in because he loooooves Kate, and it’s back into the cages. Widmore says “he’s coming”. He means MIB, right? Credits.
3. Jack visits a dentist who turns out to be Bernard! He’s “Dr. Nadler” and I bet a lot of people make fun of him for that. Dr. Nad! Anyway, Jack’s asking for Locke’s records so he can fix him. So he can fix everything. Anyway, Bernard tells Jack that he was on Oceanic 815 too. They note that the coincidence is pretty suspicious. But I mean, this was just written by human beings. Anyway, Bernard says that “Anthony Cooper” was injured in the same accident as Locke. Hot diggity!
4. Back to the Island, where Jack is waking up in a canoe. Sayid is there and tells him that MIB saved him from last week’s beach bombing. So now it’s just Sayid, MIB, and Jack. MIB shows up to say they’re going to rescue the whole gang from Widmore, then flee on the plane. Jack says he’s not planning on leaving the Island, but MIB says some stuff including that he’s capable of killing Jack and everyone else but he hasn’t done that so Jack can trust him. Yeah, I’m not super persuaded. Sayid seems dubious as well. Anyway, MIB asks if Jack will help and Jack… oh come on. That was the end of the scene? CHEAP STORYTELLING! Relatedly, we still haven’t seen Desmond’s body. It’s almost as if he’s still running around somewhere!
5. Sawyer and Kate talk about the names, and how Kate’s name was crossed out in that cave. So “he doesn’t need you”. Fascinating, really. Jin and Sun chat about how they have a daughter. In English, for some reason that is also cheap storytelling. Sun gives Jin his ring back. They seem happy. Oh but then the power cuts out and Lapidus says “uh oh”. I concur. That means the anti-smoke-monster towers are down also. Smoke monster sounds occur! Smoke occurs! Fake Patton Oswalt gets killed. JUST DESERTS, SIR. Anyway, Lapidus is a badass m-f-er and is going to kick the door down but Jack shows up and lets them out. I guess he’s decided to help. Would have been nice to have seen him reach that decision! Commercial time.
6. The old gang wanders through the woods, to the plane. Jack tells Kate he’s not going to leave on the plane because he’s “not meant to go”. Sawyer thanks him for the help. Then Sayid shows up. He’s wearing all black, you know. Because he’s lost his soul. Anyway, he brings them all to Locke.
7. Back in LA, Jack’s at some office reception area, asking about Mr. Cooper. Oh hey, it’s Peggy! She is surprised to see Jack because she doesn’t know that the entire population of the Earth is down to just the 100 or so speaking roles that have appeared on the last five seasons of Lost. Anyway. Jack says he’s there to see Cooper, which seems to upset Peggy. She tells him to leave, and says John doesn’t want the operation. She asks Jack why saving Locke’s life isn’t enough (good question!). Jack helpfully answers that “it’s not”. Got it, thanks, Doc. They go see Cooper, because Peggy was apparently satisfied with Jack’s non-answer. They come over to the guy Sawyer killed in the Black Rock’s brig! Which is actually not a surprise at all, since we already knew that’s who Cooper was. Apparently he’s profoundly senile. He drools and stares into space and that’s it. He’s probably a FlashForward fan.
8. MIB walks up to the plane, where a bunch of Widmore’s goons shoot at him, to no effect. Because he’s a supernatural being who cannot be hurt. But maybe one more bullet? Nope, apparently not. He snaps a guy’s neck, then shoots another guy. Why he didn’t just turn into smoke and destroy them all is beyond me. He takes a watch off one of the corpses for some reason and goes into the plane, where dramatic music plays as we learn that the plane has a mysterious wire running through it. A wire leading to… a music box! No, just kidding, it’s obviously explosives. But we don’t see it yet. The rest of the gang comes upon the plane. Lapidus is excited about getting her in flying shape. Then they notice the corpses, and then MIB explains that he’s responsible. He says it’s Widmore’s fault, because he left the guards there to be killed, so the Lostocracy would all get in the plane, “a nice confined space”, together. Then the explosives. Which Locke has in his backpack now. That’s what we in the television call “Chekhov’s Gun”. Anyway, it seems “we can’t be sure there aren’t more explosives on the plane”, which complicates things a bit. So yeah, now we need to take the submarine. “We” including MIB. But Hurley points out that Richard says MIB isn’t supposed to leave the Island. You remember Richard, right? Sawyer says something along the lines of “MIB saved our lives a bunch of times so let’s just do whatever he says”, and despite Sawyer’s known history of lying to people continuously everyone’s like, I guess Sawyer really likes MIB now! C’mon people, be smarter. But yeah, they’re going to have to go after the heavily-guarded submarine, at least until something else comes up and they go after, like, the hovercraft MIB forgot to mention. Claire apologizes to MIB for sneaking away with the gang, and he’s like, no biggie.
9. Oh hey, Sawyer reveals to Jack that he doesn’t trust MIB. Shocker! Anyway, he tells Jack not to let MIB on the sub, no matter what. Jack points out, reasonably, that MIB is an immortal killing machine that cannot be stopped. Sawyer says “just get him in the water and I’ll do the rest”. Ominous!
10. Locke wakes up in the hospital. Jacks’ there. Locke is groggy. He says “push the button” and “I wish you hadn’t believed me”, both of which are important lines from Lost! Except wasn’t the actual line “I wish you had believed me”, like from the suicide note? Oh, maybe I just misheard it and he said the actual line. Claire pops up in the hall. She’s still pregnant. Jack buys an Apollo bar from the vending machine! He apologizes for running away from the will reading to fix Locke. She shows Jack something that Christian “especially wanted” her to have. Say, speaking of coincidences, it’s a music box! Claire asks how Christian died. He apparently drank himself to death and died in an alley in Sydney. Oh, and also Claire was on Oceanic 815. That’s interesting! Jack opens up the music box for some reason. He says he doesn’t know why Christian wanted Claire to have it. Then they make out. No, just kidding. That would be Boone/Shannon inappropriate. But Jack does offer to let Claire stay with him, which will give us another opportunity to meet the mysterious Mrs. Shepherd.
11. Island time. The crew stakes out the submarine, which appears to be unguarded. Maybe Widmore lined it with explosives so he could blow up the crew. You know, like with the plane. These guys don’t seem too worried about it though. Anyway, Sawyer wants to lead the team, minus Jack and MIB, in their assault on the sub. Off they creep through the underbrush. As they approach the dock everything seems calm. A bit too calm… They open it up and hop inside as the music gets tense. Inside the sub, Sawyer and Lapidus sneak around. They find a guy reading something or other and ask for the captain. They lead him there, and the captain is like, I guess I’ll just get it ready to go. MIB and Jack watch and get ready to follow up behind the rest of the group. Locke picks up the backpacks and gives one to Jack. Which has the C4 in it? Which one????
12. MIB tries once more to convince Jack to leave. Why is he so insistent? Who cares what Jack does? Anyway, he says “whoever told you you needed to stay had no idea what they were talking about” and then he stands like 3 inches from the edge of the dock, an easy pushing-into-the-water distance. Jack says “John Locke [whose likeness you have been creepily inhabiting for a while] told me to stay” and I think that’s supposed to be some kind of incredible argument but I’m not actually sure why. And then Jack takes advantage of MIB’s dock-standing decision and crosschecks him into the Pacific. Everyone freaks out. But before they can say anything, shots ring out from all around them! Kate gets effing shot! Jack starts shooting off into the jungle. Then they grab Kate and hurry to the sub, as Claire keeps shooting back and as MIB crawls back onto the dock. He seems angry. Then, instead of smoking out and destroying all the people shooting at them, he pulls a pistol out and goes after them one at a time. Seriously, his insistence on not taking advantage of his otherworldly superpowers is a little distracting. But yeah, he kills a bunch of dudes with a pistol. Jack carries Kate around, asks Hurley for a first aid kit. Sawyer goes back for Claire. MIB approaches, and Sawyer decides to abandon Claire, which I’m sure she’ll handle well. He slams the hatch (see what I did there?) and gets on the intercom. He commands Lapidus to “DIVE!” Uh, was that your brilliant plan for escaping the Island without letting MIB go? Really? But okay, I guess that’s the plan we’re going with.
13. The sub slowly pulls away from the dock because, uh, MIB can’t turn into the smoke monster near a periscope or something. Claire notices them leaving and is, shocker, not happy about being left to die on a dock with a bald poltergeist. MIB pulls her back and is like, chill out, this was all part of my plan. He doesn’t say that exactly but I’m pretty sure he’s going to soon. Oh, here it is. “Trust me, you don’t want to be on that sub”. Ass.
14. Anyway, back inside the sub, they dive, as Kate says they can’t leave without Claire. They leave without Claire ALL THE TIME though, so she should just relax. Sawyer asks if Kate’s going to be okay. Hurley can’t find the first aid kit. Jack asks Jin to get a shirt from Jack’s pack. Say, isn’t that the pack with the explosives in it??? Yeppers. Oh, and they’re beeping. Apparently they’re going to go off in 4 minutes. Jack says “we did exactly what he wanted” and the audience responds “we knew you would, you dumbass”. Commercial time, so we can all think about what we’re doing with our lives.
15. Okay, we’re back, and we’ve reevaluated our priorities. So now Jack is like, we need to get to the surface post-haste. Up we go, with 3:30 left. Oh, it looks like the bomb timer is that watch we saw MIB take off the corpse by the plane. Clever. Sayid explains that he can’t defuse it because if he could all tension would be drained from the scene. Or because it’s jury-rigged in some really clever way so that if they don’t pull out the wires just right it’ll go off. Jack tells Sawyer to relax, though, because the bomb won’t go off. MIB “can’t kill” them, because uh, I truly can’t follow his explanation. It goes something like “MIB probably can’t leave the Island unless we’re all dead. So he got us all into the sub so he could blow us all up, so he could leave the island. But he can’t leave the Island! So he can’t kill us all!” Jack, what are you talking about. I think you just made the opposite of your point? But anyway, nobody else is quite buying Jack’s ravings so they yell a bit. Jack says “we are goign to be okay, you just have to trust me”. That kind of thing never seems to work out. Sawyer agrees with me, so he pulls the wires out just right and the timer stops. But then it speeds up a lot. Whoops. Sayid says he left Desmond in a well on the Island. He tells Jack that Jack will have to go get him. Then he grabs the bomb and runs out of the room! He jets to the far side of the sub with the bomb, and then it explodes a lot (just as Jack said it wouldn’t). So I guess that’s Sayid earning his redemption, Charlie-style. Everybody gets tossed around, like the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise on Star Trek. The sub’s in trouble. Lapidus gets to his feet and climbs down to see water seeping through. Then he gets whacked in the face by a door! Ow. Jack pulls Kate out of the water. Sun’s pinned against a wall by a big metal thing. Jin and Sawyer work on helping her. Jack gives Kate to Hurley, who asks about Sayid. Jack says “there is no Sayid”, which is as true and direct a statement as has ever been uttered on this show. Jack tells Hurley to swim Kate up out of the blasthole. Blasthole, heh. They work on getting Sun un-pinned. This is all very reminiscent of Charlie’s sacrifice, you know. Sawyer gets knocked out by a falling thingy. Jin works to get Sun out. She tells him to just go without her. He refuses, of course. Jin tells Jack to save Sawyer, so he leaves with him. Seems kind of like Jin is deciding to die with Sun rather than abandon her. Damn.
16. Jack drags Sawyer out through the blasthole. I’m pretty sure they’re going to make it. Although who knows! Sun tells Jin that he has to go. She cries. He says he won’t leave her, and keeps trying to unpin her. She cries some more. They’re still just speaking English, by the way. She begs him again to go. Finally, finally, they switch to Korean. Jin says he’s never going to leave her again. Oh, and then he says “I love you, Sun”. IN ENGLISH. Come on! They kiss and then I guess that’s about it for them. The camera pans through the flooded interior of the submarine and we see Sun and Jin floating apart. That is pretty rough, especially considering how underwhelming their reunion was last week. Commercial.
17. LA again. Locke’s getting wheeled out in the hospital. Jin walks by with flowers. Then Jack shows up to say goodbye and try once more to convince Locke to get the surgery. He says he went to see Anthony Cooper, to understand the accident. Then Locke decides to throw the audience a bone and just actually say what happened! “I was in a plane crash.” But not the one(s) we’ve seen! Locke had a pilot’s license for a week, and was flying with his father, who was terrified of flying. He says he told Cooper that he could trust Locke. But they barely got off the ground before Locke crashed the plane and knocked all the sense out of his own dad. Rough. Jack says that Locke’s dad is gone, and punishing himself will never change that. “What happened, happened.” Locke giggles and says goodbye. Okay… Jack says “I can help you, John. I wish you believed me.” That seems to ring a bell with Locke, but not enough for him to agree to the surgery. He wheels off as we swoop along to…
18. The Island. The beach, more specifically. Jack manages to get Sawyer out of the water. He’s okay. Hurley got Kate too. She hugs Jack tenderly. He lets everyone know that Jin and Sun are hanging out with Charlie now. Hurley cries, which is sad. Jack wades back into the water and does a little crying of his own.
19. At the dock, MIB stares off into the ocean and says “it sunk”. Claire’s worried. “They’re all dead?” MIB says, “not all of them”, and walks into the jungle with a gun, “to finish what I started”. So, okay, I guess my theory that he’d turn out to be the good guy and Jacob the bad guy is looking pretty unlikely at this point.
20. LOST

Final thoughts: Well, a lot happened this week! Pretty exciting. My only real complaint is there seemed to be a lot of classic Lost decision-making and “surprise” twists that were visible a mile away. But if I’m being honest I don’t really mind — it’s part of the fun, really, mocking the silly plots and trying to come to grips with the hilariously shoddy plans the Losties come up with. My other gripe is that it would have been nice to have checked in with Miles, Ben, and Richard at some point. Didn’t they set off to blow up the plane? Actually, doesn’t it seem like that’s the one thing everybody but the Losties themselves was trying to do? Maybe they’re all on the same team, trying to blow up our buddies. Anyway, yeah, would have been nice to see what Ricardus was up to while all this was happening. Overall, however, this was a very good episode. Stuff actually happened on the Island, and we saw a little more about how the pieces fit together in LA. Some meaningful sacrifices were made because Jack is such a gullible idiot. Kate got shot.

But I’m a little concerned that I still don’t quite know what we should be rooting for here. I mean, what do we want? If the Losties do manage to get off the Island, and to keep MIB bottled up safely, is that really such a great outcome? A bunch of people have been killed already (and I’m pretty sure that in order to get off the Island quite a few more are going to have to die). At this point it seems like the Island timeline is not a great situation for most (maybe all) of the characters, but that’s the one the audience is emotionally invested in. So should we be hoping for them to switch over to the LA timeline, where most of them are alive and (relatively) well but where nothing we’ve seen over the last 6 years actually matters? I guess we should, and I guess the argument is twofold: 1) everything we’ve seen over the last 6 years was necessary to create the LA timeline; and 2) the characters in the LA timeline are the characters from the Island timeline — even if they don’t end up remembering it, which is still a definite possibility, the choices they made on the Island appear to have affected who they are and how they act in LA. It still feels kinda weak, though, and makes the many hard choices we’ve seen on the Island feel much less important.

Also, still no Shannon. I’m starting to think she’s not going to be the critical factor in the finale!

1. Previously on Lost: Just read the archives. But based on the scenes they show here it looks like this episode will be about… everybody.
2. Open on the all-hands torch-lit meeting we left toward the end of last episode. MIB and Jack walk away to chat, after Hurley gives Jack the okay to negotiate. I guess that’s it for Hurley being in charge. You had a good run, dude. MIB and Jack talk about what MIB is. He says he stole Locke’s image because Locke was dead — apparently he can only look like dead people. Jack figures out that MIB was probably faking him out as Christian Shepherd back in the day, which we presumed but now we actually know for sure. Answers are neat! Anyway, MIB says he’s trying to help everyone leave the Island, and now that Jacob’s dead they can just leave whenever they want. They keep talking more but c’mon. Enough recapping of Lost expository dialogue. Flash to…
3. Locke in the ambulance. He’s not in great shape. He asks them to contact Helen “Peggy Bundy” Norwood. As they remove him from the ambulance we see Sun come out of another ambulance. She spies Locke and starts panicking in Korean. “No, it’s him! It’s him!” Because she had a near-death experience, you see, so she can remember the Island.
4. Speaking of the Island, Claire sneaks over to say hi to Jack, because they are brother and sister. Did they not ever know this when they were together before? I can’t recall. Anyway, Claire seems a little less crazy at the moment. I wonder if it’ll last (hint: no). They share some family time which is sort of sweet, and then they make out. Not really. Talk about twists, though! In actuality they just chat about how Jack is already on MIB’s side even if he won’t admit it. See, my idea for ending the scene is way more interesting.
5. Commercials for stuff. Let’s take this opportunity to note that the new iPhone looks pretty good but not good enough to get a dude fired for it.
6. Hurley’s like, submarine? There’s a submarine? Because Sawyer’s inviting him and Sun to the escape-while-MIB-and-Widmore-are-busy plan. Which I’m sure will go really well and not at all horribly.
7. Back to LA X, where Sawyer is still a cop. He’s in the cop office, with Kate, whom he interrogates regarding her criminal past. Wanted for arson, assault on a federal officer, and first degree murder. That all sounds familiar. Although she’s claiming innocence. He asks if she remembers him from Oceanic 815, and says it’s kind of weird that they keep running into each other. Ever heard of deus ex machina, dude? Nice of the writers to take another shot at creating romantic tension here. Anyway, they talk about why he let Kate go when he saw her at the airport. She thinks it’s because he didn’t want anyone to know he went to Australia. Not sure I follow but okay. Anyway, Miles comes over and tells him about the Sun/Jin shooting thing. They see surveillance footage of Sayid leaving the scene. And then we cut to the Island where Sayid is sitting without his soul.
8. Jack and Kate talk about some crap or other. MIB said if they leave they all have to go together. That sounds distinctly familiar, but not in an homage way. More of a lazy way. Zooey shows up and tells MIB she wants Desmond back. Then she radios in an aerial assault. Some Agent Orange hits the jungle behind MIB, but he doesn’t flinch. It’s like this. She tells him there’s more where that came from if he doesn’t return what he took from them. He doesn’t seem inclined to cooperate.
9. Commercial for Arby’s. They should probably just come up with a marketing campaign based around the long-term health benefits of food poisoning. Commercial for The Losers, which looks like a really stupid movie, I’m sorry to say. I wonder how ABC decides whether to pointlessly promote FlashForward or V. Coin flip?
10. Claire’s in LA X, and still deeply pregnant. She has a meeting with some reproduction agency. Oh hey, Desmond showed up! How… suspicious. I wonder how he’ll freak her out so she remembers being crazy on the Island. He says he’s on his way to see a lawyer and suggests that Claire show her the adoption contract. And Claire is like, I’m only crazy in the other timeline, dude. But actually no, she agrees to let the stranger’s lawyer check out her adoption contract. I wonder who the lawyer will turn out to be! Won’t be long now, friends, won’t be long now. It’s… ILANA! Whose name I spell differently every week, I think. Anyway, Ilana recognizes Claire’s name, which is “quite a coincidence” because “we’ve been looking for [her]“. Yes, quite a coincidence…
11. MIB’s getting a posse together to flee to the plane. He asks Sawyer to get a boat from somewhere and sail it somewhere else to meet up with the group. Why? Because he said so, that’s why! Sawyer tells Jack that some folks are breaking off from the group to get on the sub and swim to freedom. Honestly I can’t keep track of all these side-conversations setting up secret plans. I’ll just sit back and enjoy the carnage.
12. MIB and Sayid talk. MIB tells Sayid to go kill Desmond. Sayid doesn’t argue because he’s DEAD INSIDE. Unlike the awesome Nissan in this commercial. Dudes, I gotta get a Nissan!
13. Sayid approches the well where Desmond lies, not dead. Instead of just shooting him in the melon, he lets Desmond chat him up first. Desmond asks what Sayid gets for killing him. Sayid says he gets Nadia back. I get tired of recapping this. Let’s skip to the resolution:
14. Just kidding, there IS no resolution. We just cut to Sayid in LA X, where he’s packing a bag and fleeing because, oh yeah, he killed Keamy. There’s somebody at the door. It’s Miles. He’s investigating the thing where Sayid killed all those folks. He walks in and notices the bag. As Sayid tries to leave he trips over Sawyer’s clever hose-across-the-backyard gag, and gets cuffed and arrested.
15. Sawyer and Kate are on the Island. There’s a sailboat that they’re going to get on. But first, more talking about promises and leaving the Island and trusting people and so on and so forth. Kate’s upset that Sawyer wants to leave Claire there. But not so upset that she won’t wade into the water and swim out to the boat!
16. MIB leads his crew of extras through the jungle. Jack and Claire trail behind and, yep, have a boring conversation. He asks why she trusts MIB. She says he’s the only one who didn’t abandon her. But didn’t she run off into the jungle and, like, abandon her baby? What a hypocrite.
17. MIB leaves the group to “make sure nobody got left behind”. Oddly, he doesn’t turn into a smoke monster to speed the process. I guess the CGI budget isn’t big enough for that. Jack leads Hurley, Lapidus, and Sun off after Sawyer. Claire totally sees and is like, what a bunch of jerks.
18. MIB comes upon Sayid, who tells him he shot Desmond. YEAH RIGHT.
19. Jack and the gang run off looking for a dock. They find Sawyer and Kate. They’re off to the sub! Oh wait. Claire comes up on them, gun drawn. Her hair is totally bedraggled. Kate asks Claire to come with them. MORE talking. Can someone please blow up? Anyway, Claire drops her gun tearfully because she wants to go get Aaron. She gives Kate her gun and notes that MIB is probably going to be somewhat annoyed when he notices they fled. Uh, yeah.
20. In LA, Jack and his son walk into the building with the adoption agency and Ilana, Esq. They’re wearing matching suits, because Jack’s son is a total dweeb. I wonder if he can grow as good a beard as his dad. Anyway, they’re there to hear Christian’s will being read. Which is presumably why Ilana was looking for Claire! Which actually does make a little sense. Kinda weird to spring the surprise on everyone without a heads-up, though. Oh, apparently Jack already knows she’s in the will. But he doesn’t know that they’re siblings. Well he does now that she told him, in front of his kid. That’s messed up, like Gizmodo identifying the guy who lost that iPhone. Anyway, he’s getting called in for surgery on either Sun or Locke. I mean, we don’t know that yet, but we know.
21. The sailing crew sails. The boat looks pretty nice. Maybe a 47-footer? Anyway, Sawyer says they’re off to Hydra, where they’ll make nice with Widmore until it’s time to pull a gun on someone to get them to drive them home. Everyone but Sawyer and Jack go downstairs (well, Kate’s steering). Jack says it doesn’t feel right to leave the Island, because a part of him is missing. He thinks they’re supposed to do something, so if MIB wants them to leave it’s probably because he wants them not to do it. Jack raves some more about the Island not being done with them, and Sawyer explains that he can either buy into the plan or get off the boat. In a shoutout to Sawyer jumping off the helicopter, Jack dives into the water! Oh, but first he says “I’m sorry I got Juliet killed”. Which is kind of like how Sawyer whispered into Kate’s ear to take care of Clementine before he abandoned an escape vehicle.
22. Hospital. Sun wakes up. Jin’s holding her hand, and also he’s asleep. She calls him over and asks what happened. He tells her she’s going to be okay, and so is the baby. SWEET. He says “it’s over and we’re all going to be okay”, so he obviously is unfamiliar with how foreboding irony works. Jack and his son David walk by and talk about how Jack didn’t know about Claire. They seem to like each other. David’s going to just hang out in the hospital while Jack saves Locke’s life. I wonder if Jack will notice that he’s already met Locke. Anyway, the distal sac (or something) is “obliterated”. I think that’s the thing that Jack accidentally pierced in his first surgery, when Jacob gave him a candy bar. Remember? Speaking of remembering, Jack recognizes Locke.
23. Back on the Island, he comes ashore and MIB is just standing there, smiling at him. Meanwhile, the Sawyer crew comes ashore on Hydra Island. A bunch of nobodies, and Zooey, draw their weapons. She welcomes them in open arms. OH SHIT AND THEN JIN COMES OVER AND RECOGNIZES SUN! They run to each other! How long has it been? Like 3 seasons? Oh, she can miraculously speak english again. The power of love. Anyway, this is pretty nice. Presumably it’ll go wrong soon. Also, Sawyer was kinda weepy. Oh, and then Zooey pulls her gun on them again and it looks like everybody’s about to get executed. Zooey calls in an airstrike on MIB and the beach gets hella bombed. In a nice callback to the pilot, Jack gets knocked into next week and wakes up on the beach, disoriented. Then Locke carries him into the jungle and says, “it’s okay. you’re with me now”. Which is kinda Roethlisburgery. And that’s it.
24. LOST

Final thoughts: Not bad, you guys, not bad at all. Although somehow it seemed like another episode where the Island people mostly just move around from one place to another. Oh, and they also talk to each other a lot about the same shit we’ve been listening to for 6 years now. But things are really picking up in LA and I’m getting more confident that it’s all going to come together in a fairly satisfying way. Only 4 more episodes (though the finale is two hours), let’s try to enjoy them.

Oh wait, one more thing: this episode was called “The Last Recruit”. So who was the last recruit? I guess it was Jack, because in the end MIB asserts that he’s on MIB’s team. But I mean, Jack made pretty clear (to Sawyer) that he was actually quite fervently opposed to MIB and intended to do his best to thwart whatever MIB’s plan turns out to be. Okay that’s it.

1. Previously on Lost: Just read the archives, slacker. PS, I’m exhausted from a 6 hour conference call so I will not be as thorough as usual this week. Deal with it.
2. In LA, Hurley is the real life Ronald McDonald and is feted by everyone for being such a great guy. He is awarded a lucite dinosaur by a two-armed Pierre Chang. Then his mom says she wants to set him up with some girl name Rosalita who I presume will turn out to be someone from earlier seasons. Then we cut to the Island where Hurley remembers Libby for the first time three seasons or so (he talks to her at her grave, which we oddly haven’t seen since they buried her so very long ago). And then MICHAEL SHOWS UP to tell Hurley that he has to save everybody. I feel like we’ve heard that a hundred thousand times in the history of this show, yes? But okay. Commercial time.
3. Michael notes that people listen to Hurley now, which is a bit of a shift. Then Jack comes over and Michael disappears. Then we’re back in LA, where Hurley’s eating chips at a crappy fake Mexican restaurant while he waits for his date, who is running late enough that the waiter tries to clear her plate. And then she shows up and I think it’s Libby, but it has been so long since she was on the show that I literally don’t remember what she looks like. For what it’s worth, she’s blond. We don’t know yet whether she has (or had) a sailboat. All Hurley knows at first is that she’s a hot caucasian whose name shouldn’t reasonably be “Rosalita”. She’s more of a Libby really, which she reveals to Hurley when she explains that she’s not his blind date at all. She holds his hands and reveals that she’s his otherworldly soulmate. And she remembers him, you guys. SHE REMEMBERS EVERYTHING. Then her creepy old dad/psychiatrist wrangles her away as Hurley stares slackjawed into space. Oh yeah, then we see her getting ushered into a loony-bin van. Sweet. Back to the Island…
4. Elana is super annoying. She has a bunch of soggy dynamite from the Black Rock which she wants to use to explode the plane. Hurley tries to talk her out of it. I think Elana’s accent is different from HOLY ARZT SHE DROPPED THE DYNAMITE AND EXPLODED TO HELL. Huzzah. That was even more satisfying than Nikki and Paulo.
5. Sawyer and Kate badger MIB about why they’re sitting around doing nothing. He explains that the only way to get off the Island is to get in the plane with Hugo, Sun, and Jack. Then he notices Sayid, soullessly sauntering back into camp. He asks to speak to MIB in private, probably to explain about Dessie. Yep. Hmm, he appears to have tied dear Desmond to a tree, which is kind of weird, since I thought he seemed pretty amenable to cooperating. Commercial time. Fidelity Investments should have the slogan, “Nearly as Effective as an Index Fund”.
6. Hurley picks up some Russian book that the internet will tell me about tomorrow, then sets it down. He finds a little bag filled with… don’t know. He closes it as we switch across the beach to an argument regarding dynamite. Richard wants to get more and blow up a plane. Hurley takes his side, it SEEMS. He says “trust me Jack” and Jack is like, okay. Back to LA, where…
7. Hahaha, it’s Sam Weir’s nerdy friend Neal from Freaks and Geeks! He’s working at an Uncle Clucker’s (or whatever Hurley’s fried chicken franchise is called), and immediately recognizes him with delight. Sort of the same reaction I had when I saw HIM appear on my screen. Maybe he’ll do some ventriloquism! Or tell some dirty jokes? Hurley orders, then eats, a “bucket, family style”. And that’s the last we’ll see of the great Samm Levine. A bespectacled Desmond espies Hurley from across the way. He asks Hurley if they know each other from somewhere. He eventually gets around to mentioning Oceanic 815, which somehow gets us to Hurley telling him about Libby being crazy. Desmond is like, maybe she’s not so crazy. Because, guys, Desmond knows stuff about stuff. Desmond tells Hurley to try to figure out where Libby thinks she knows Hurley from, before it’s too late. Then they call Desmond’s order number (42, natch). It’s kind of funny, Desmond wandering around LA with his mystical all-knowingness, it reminds me of Jacob. I wonder if he’ll turn out to be Jacob’s actual replacement!!!! Anyway, he walks away and we cut to, well, him. On the Island though.
8. He tells MIB that he has nowhere to run, which convinces MIB to untie him. Desmond is cool as a cucumber. He explains that Charles Widmore kidnapped him, then blasted him with electromagnetism. He also thinks that MIB is John Locke. Or does he? MIB sends Sayid away, then tells Desmond that there’s something he wants to show him. Oh hey, Miles and Ben and Lapidus are still on this show. Ben even gets to talk a little bit, mostly just snickering about how the Island blew up Elana. I’m on board, dude! That was great. They and Richard and Miles and Sun and Jack all get to the Black Rock for the dynamite. They notice that Hugo isn’t with them. Then they notice that Hugo is running away from the Black Rock, which he just rigged to explode! These special effects are downright Syfyian. He explains to the group that he did it to protect them, and then as if that weren’t enough desecration of a civilized world, we get a Walmart commercial. The Avatar video game comes out on Earth Day, because why should that be any less skull-smashingly-unsubtle than the movie upon which it is based?
9. Richard’s upset. Because that’s the boat he arrived on. Poor guy. Anyway, Hurley tells Miles that Michael told him to stop them from blowing up the plane. He tells Miles that dead people tell him to do stuff a lot, which he’s cool with because “dead people are a more reliable than alive people.” Then it’s back to LA.
10. Hurley’s at the nuthouse, asking the HMFIC about Libby. The guy says she’s bonkers, but then Hurley writes him a check for $100k and then he gets to hang out with Libby! Some stereotypical lunatics stumble around and then Libby comes in. Hurley tells her he doesn’t remember her, but he wants to find out. She looks kinda messed up, guys, like she’s been rode hard and put away wet. Which is a metaphor about a horse, so don’t get any gross ideas. Anyway, she tells him about how she has all these memories about the Island and they were best friends and then she had a memory of Hurley being there in the mental hospital, too (which he was, remember? They’re totally kind of explaining that!). Anyway, he still doesn’t remember, but he does say “bizarro alternate universe” so he’s on the right track. She says she’s there voluntarily, which is weird, because I distinctly remember the doctor more or less strong-arming her back into the lunatic wagon back at the Chicken Shack. But whatever. Hurley asks her out and she says yes and honestly, this kind of pales in comparison to the relatively-epic Richard/whoever romance of a few weeks ago and the Desmond/Penny romance of one week ago. Probably because I didn’t remember Libby at all (and neither, for that matter, did Hurley). Oh well.
11. On the Island, MIB chats with Desmond about the hatch. He tells MIB that “this Island has it in for all of us”, to which MIB readily agrees. Oh right, then MIB sees that boy with the stick who the internet thinks might be Aaron all grown up. Apparently the kid isn’t a classic Island illusion, either, because Desmond sees him also. PS, the kid has a spear and creepy stare. MIB says to ignore him. Weird. The kid smiles and traipses back into the jungle.
12. The Black Rock crew gathers explosion detritus, then Richard suggests they go after more explosive stuff somewhere or other. Hurley points at the jungle and is like, Jacob told me we have to go talk to Locke! What do you think the odds are that it’s revealed that Hurley doesn’t see Jacob — he’s just realizing his destiny as a leader or somesuch? I’d put the odds about equal to those of the Redskins losing 2/3 of their RB corps to injury by week 6. But anyway, Richard doesn’t watch this show so he doesn’t know Hurley’s lying, so he agrees to go see MIB. Dummy. Actually, I wrote that before I assumed it would happen but it didn’t! Richard, you sly devil! He says to Hurley that Jacob once told him what the Island is (a cork, right?), and if Hurley really sees him than he can tell him. Hurley walks over, says “I don’t have to prove anything to you, Richard — you can either come with me or you can keep trying to blow stuff up”. That line would work on Jack, but Richard is not such a credulous person. Anyway, Richard insists on going to blow up the plane and Ben/Miles go with him. Please note that none of them are among the list that MIB noted must be on the plane to get off the Island. Anyway, Jack backed Hurley up which is kinda cool, and they’re off to talk to Locke.
13. But first, gotta sell some M&Ms. Weirdly, this ad is election themed. There’s a red M&M who sounds exactly like Zap Brannigan! And the green M&M, who is supposed to be a woman, I swear to you, says “boys, it’s all about working the polls” (say it out loud and then marvel at how you just grossed yourself out via anthropomorphized chocolate). Anyway, apparently you can vote on which color of identical-tasting round candy you like best. C’MON PERIWINKLE.
14. Now it’s dark in the jungle. Hurley and Jack and Sun and Lapidus all walk towards MIB. Apparently Sun STILL CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH. What a silly, silly turn of events. Hurley tells Jack that he didn’t see Jacob. Jack is like, I know. He says that ever since Juliet died all he wanted was to fix it. But he can’t. He says that maybe he’s supposed to let go and do what other people suggest. Now Hurley is upset and admits that he doesn’t even know where he’s going. Then he hears the whispering death sounds and gets excited and wanders off into the jungle alone. Oh hey, it’s Michael again. He’s stuck on the Island because of what he did. And there are others out there like him, that’s the whispers. “We’re the ones who can’t move on.” RETCON ALERT!!!! Anyway, Michael points Hurley toward MIB and asks him not to get himself killed. Then he says this line which really walks the line between touching and hilarious: “Hurley, if you ever do see Libby again, tell her I’m very sorry [for shooting her twice in the stomach and leaving her in the hatch to die].” Hurley has opted for “touching” but I’m leaning the other way.
15. So okay, back in LA, Hurley’s at the beach with a picnic for Libby. Apparently he mostly brought cheese. She mostly brought cleavage, just like every woman on the show this season. Where’s Shannon??? She says that the picnic is familiar, “like a date we never had”. Then they have a conversation that I think they had word for word on the Island, in which he asks her why she wants to be his girlfriend and she explains that it’s because she likes him. I dunno, that’s kind of a tautology, but I’ll let it go this time. Hurley points out, though, that she likes him because she has mental problems. Then she kisses him which should cement his impression but instead it sets off his ALTERNATE REALITY SENSES and he remembers stuff from Season 3. Apparently this proves that Libby’s not crazy. Oh, and Desmond’s been watching this all from his car. Now that he knows Hurley and Libby are in love again, he drives away smugly (Jacob-style).
16. Stan Lee’s doing cameos in fuckin’ comic book movie commercials now? I’m befuddled.
17. MIB and Desmond arrive at the well. Inside the well I believe you’ll find a frozen donkey wheel! Locke drops a torch down into it, then tells Desmond that the well is “very old”. So old that the people who dug it did so by hand. Apparently it would have taken a while. And they weren’t looking for water. They were looking for answers. MIB explains that they’re standing atop an electromagnetic crazy-zone. He tells Desmond that Widmore doesn’t care about answers; just power. And he brought Desmond back to help him find what he’s looking for (power, you’ll recall). MIB asks Desmond why he’s not afraid. Desmond explains that there’s no point in being afraid. Well, uh, I dunno, I think you should reconsider that, dude, since MIB just THREW YOUR ASS DOWN THE WELL.
18. MIB gets back to camp, and tells Sayid that they don’t have to worry about Desmond anymore. I’m… not persuaded. I mean, even Juliet managed to survive a fall like that (temporarily). And she wasn’t Desmond, Survivor of Catastrophes. Sawyer asks MIB where he was. Then they see Hurley approach. Hurley says “um, hey”. Good writing! Then he says that he and the other folks need to talk to MIB, but he doesn’t want anybody to get hurt. MIB hands him his knife and promises not to hurt anybody. Hurley brings out Lapidus, Sun, and Jack. Say, doesn’t Lapidus know how to fly a plane? This is shaping up a little too simple, guys. Anyway, MIB and Jack have a staredown and we fade to…
19. PSYCH! We don’t fade to anything, we just flash back to LA, where Desmond watches Locke wheel across the school parking lot. It looks like a lot of work. But then Linus knocks on the window and asks why Desmond is creepily staring at the schoolkids. Fair point. Desmond says he’s new in town and he’s looking for a school for his son, Charlie. I don’t think Ben buys it, but he walks away. Then Desmond guns the engine and drives straight at Locke! Holy crap, no one has ever been so thoroughly run over by a car on network television. It’s pretty brutal. Anyway, Locke’s in bad shape and Ben calls for an ambulance (thus we will see Dr. Jack Shephard’s Magic Fingers at work next week, obviously). As Locke stares out into the unblinking emptiness of eternity, we actually, finally, really do fade to black.
20. LOST

Final thoughts: The rollicking eventfulness of the last handful of Lost episodes continues apace. That was pretty good, and if I still cared at all about what Libby was all about it would have been really good. As it is, it was kind of another episode of getting people from wherever they are to where they have to be. But it was also an episode of Elana exploding, Jack extemporizing about how he found his Zen koan, Michael speaking more than 5 words without even saying “Walt!!!!” once, and, oh yeah, MIB throwing Desmond into a supermagnetic energy well. I’m satisfied, even if it was another week without Vincent, Rose, Bernard, Boone, Shannon, Daniel Faraday, Walt, or even Jin as far as I noticed. Next week I assume we’ll shockingly discover that Desmond’s not dead, that after Jack saves Locke’s life he can walk again, and that Walt is now a world-champion backgammon player. And, if we’re really lucky, maybe we’ll get to hear another Driveshaft jam. Until next week.

1. Previously on Lost: I am so disappointed that we get the elimination part of Dancing With the Semi-Stars instead of the enhanced version of last week’s Lost now. So unacceptable. At least I got to see the most pathetic moment of Buzz Aldrin’s life. Okay, after that sad moment we get NO PREVIOUSLIES!
2. Straight to Desmond, who has been sedated, and who is getting woken up by Zooey. Zoe? I’ll go with Zooey. He’s asking for Penny but Charles Widmore is like, that ain’t happening. Desmond asks what happened to him. Apparently he was shot by Ben (which we saw). But how did he get here? Charles says Penny and Charlie are safe. But, uh, they’re back on the Island. Desmond is literally twitching with rage. Then he beats the crap out of Widmore with a lamp, which is awesome. Then he begs Charlie to take him back to the real world, but Widmore says “the Island isn’t done with you yet”!
3. Zooey and Jin walk over to some weird area filled with electrical gear, which apparently is the site for “the test”. Henchmen galore. Zooey tells a dweeby guy that they’re bringing Desmond over for the test. It’s pretty elaborate. I think magnets are probably involved. Also, there’s a bunny in a cage. This probably won’t end well. It’s named “Angstrom”. I think that’s a science reference. Some dude we don’t know is checking some coils with a beeping device. And then they turn something on and that guy gets obliterated!!@!#!! Which I predicted beforehand. Anyway, he’s a smoking corpse but Widmore doesn’t give a crap. But I guess now we know the stakes for poor Desmond, whom they are dragging in now. Credits.
4. Back to the site, where they carry out the corpse of the guy who probably shouldn’t have been so clumsy. Desmond is emphatically unenthused about this but they batter him a bit and then tie him to a wooden chair between the deathcoils. Widmore says he’s going to ask Desmond to make a sacrifice once it’s all over. Remember when he was Seth Cohen’s grandfather? That was awesome. Anyway, he leaves and Desmond starts freaking out trying to escape. Widmore is apparently testing whether Desmond can survive a “catastrophic electromagnetic event” — presumably Widmore’s planning on initiating one again somewhere in the vicinity of the season finale.
5. Anyway, they turn the coils on and Desmond turns into the Human Torch. Okay, not really. But lights flash and stuff and then we flash to some clouds. Acutally this appears to be more of a flash-sideways. Desmond is staring at the baggage claim thing for Oceanic 815. Hurley tells him where to pick up his bags. Desmond gets there and helps Claire with her bags and they talk about how she’s with child. He says “I’m not a big fan of surprises” which is funny because he is surprised a lot. Anyway, he offers to get her a ride but she demurs. Then he’s like, I bet it’s a boy. He knows because it’s obviously a boy! A guy picks him up to drive him to his hotel. The guy who picks him up is that crazy doctor guy who died from time sickness in Season 4 or so. But he’s not a crazy doctor guy now. He’s a creep who offers Desmond an escort. Desmond says he’s here to work. And the driver says Desmond is “the boss’s right hand man”. I wonder which boss that’ll be. Widmore?
6. He enters the boss’s office and it’s… Widmore. Aw, that was too easy. Apparently they’re BFFs here. The music indicates that we should be disturbed by this but I dunno. It’s hard to freak out about every little shocking surprise in LA X. Commercials for a variety of products that are alarmingly well-targeted at me. HOW DO THEY KNOW I WANT TO READ BOOKS ON PORTABLE ELECTRONIC DEVICES????
7. Desmond is still in the office, where Widmore is apparently dealing with getting a guy out of jail. His son’s apparently a musician. His son, of course, is FARADAY!!! Unless he means Penny’s husband who is not Hume (e.g., Jack maybe?). And now they’re talking about Charlie! Whom they need to get out of jail! Widmore notes that Desmond has no family, no commitments. What about poor Penny? Anyway, they drink up that 60 year scotch that keeps appearing near Widmore on Lost.
8. Now Desmond goes to jail to pick up Charlie. YAY CHARLIE. Charlie doesn’t seem to interested in Desmond but Desmond’s a pro so he’ll take care of him. Oh hmm, it appears Charlie doesn’t care if he lives or dies. He just wanders across the busy street to the bar, where he proceeds to drink scotch. Desmond does too. I don’t. Charlie is dickish to him, probably because Charlie is suffering from heroin withdrawal (not my favorite Charlie mood). Charlie asks Desmond if he’s happy. Charlie says Desmond’s never been in love. Then he notes that he fell in love on the flight back from Sydney. He talks about the crash, and his choking on the heroin. He says that as he’s dying he sees “her”. Blond, rapturously beautiful, and he knows her. He’s talking about Claire from the other universe, guys. Duh. Anyway, presumably Desmond should be remembering the same thing of Penny. But anyway, then Charlie says he’s annoyed that Jack saved his life. Then Desmond says the real truth is that Charlie has the choice between continuing to drink (which will result in the end of Charlie’s career) or he can come with Desmond, hang out at a hotel, and play some music for Widmore’s daughter. Then he says “there’s always a choice, Brother,” which reminds me of something he said on the show before.
9. They drive as “You All, Everybody” plays on the stereo. It sucks. I prefer Driveshaft’s earlier work. Charlie tells Desmond that he thinks he’s happy but none of his life is real. He offers Desmond a choice: he can show him what he’s talking about, or Desmond can get out of the car. Then Charlie grabs the wheel and swerves the car into the goddamn water! Charlie seems to be trying to kill himself again but Desmond’s not interested. He swims up to the surface. Apparently he then decides to go back for Charlie but, like, Charlie always drowns to death, y’all. Apparently the writers of Lost remember this, also, as Charlie reenacts the part where he puts his hand on the glass and we get a brief flash to the “NOT PENNY’S BOAT” moment from one of Lost‘s better moments. Desmond drags the unconscious Charlie out of the water where, presumably, he’ll wake up and they’ll have a powerful talk about how there are multiple timelines going on. I admit I am kind of psyched for this. ALL WE NEEDED WAS CHARLIE AND DESMOND BACK ON THE SHOW. Commercial time.
10. Desmond is being checked out at the hospital now for signs of a concussion, including hallucinations. He says he’s not sure. The doctor’s gonna send him down for an MRI. Say, aren’t MRIs… giant magnets??? We’ll see once they turn it on. The attendant tells him that he can “hit the button” which is funny. Anyway, off Desmond goes into the machine. Here comes some crazy shit, I bet.
11. The machine turns on and, yep, I was right as usual. Desmond sees Charlie’s death again. Then a shitload of flashbacks to Penny and little baby Charlie. Then he hits the panic button. He says he needs to find Charlie. HEY IT’S JACK SHEPARD. Desmond sees/recognizes him and asks him to help. Oh and here comes Charlie, running around in his hospital gown like a complete lunatic. It’s funny. Desmond chases him. He finally corners him. Charlie figures out that Desmond saw something weird. He asks Charlie who Penny is. Charlie figures out that Desmond saw something. Charlie says “none of this matters”. He recommends that Desmond start looking for Penny. I guess Desmond doesn’t know that Penny is Widmore’s daughter. Commercials.
12. Oh hey, a new episode of FlashForward is on this week. And Penny’s on that show. AND SO IS CHARLIE! I guess they were sick of being on good shows.
13. Desmond’s on the phone with Widmore. He tells him that Charlie escaped. Widmore’s upsetsville because obviously he knows that Charlie is important. Or maybe not. But either way he suggests that Desmond tell Mrs. Widmore what happened. The boss’s wife, that is. Her identity is mysterious! Oh wait, it’s just Faraday’s mom. I forget her name. Maggie? She sees Desmond and freaks out because SHE’S A TIME-SHIFTER or something. But she covers well. Oh right, and it’s “Eloise”, i.e., Ellie. Anyway, he tells her that Driveshaft is unavailable to play with her son (FARADAY!). She’s not concerned apparently. She says “what happened, happened”. Just like she did in earlier episodes of Lost!
14. Desmond overhears the guestlist. Apparently there’s a Penny on the list! He asks about it and Eloise goes nutso. She says the list is confidential and is upset. She clears the entire party tent and starts yelling at him. She says she wants him to stop acting the fool. It’s “a violation”. She knows he’s penetrated the time continuum! Anyway, she says he got what he wanted — Widmore’s approval. He insists on seeing the list, and she says he’s not ready yet. But then she stalks off before she can answer his “ready for what?”. The creepy driver doctor guy asks where he’s going. Desmond drinks and says “just drive”. But then a guy in a hat knocks on the window. DANIEL FARADAYWIDMORE! WHY THE FACE!!!!! So yeah. More commercials.
15. Okay while we wait for the commercials to end, let me just say that I am so glad to see Faraday again. I’m just sad that he doesn’t get to be Charlotte’s husband (or more plausibly, creepy friend) in LA X. But apparently he’s a musician, which makes sense (remember the flashbacks when Eloise made him stop studying piano because he had to be a time travel genius so he would go back in time and get killed by her?). Alas, he seems to be a musician well aware of a disturbance in the force. Which we learn more about now as we see him talking to Desmond…
16. Faraday asks Hume if he believes in love at first sight. He says he saw a woman eating a chocolate bar at a museum. She works at the site of the party. She has… red hair. Aw crap, maybe he will get to be Charlotte’s creepy friend after all! He pulls out a journal, which he says he woke up and wrote some crazy-ass physics stuff in the night after he saw her. Faraday says he took it to his physics pal, who assured him that the stuff was super advanced physics stuff (which of course Faraday-the-musician is not equipped to understand, let alone compose). Faraday is explaining about how his friend kind of explained it — in sum, one can set off a nuclear bomb to mess around with the universe. He says that the LA X universe “wasn’t supposed to be our life” — “for some reason, we changed things”. He suggests that they already did set off the bomb! This is sweet. Faraday asks Desmond why he asked Eloise about Penny. Desmond’s pretty well confused at this point. We all know how you feel, brotha. Anyway, Faraday asserts that Desmond felt “love” when he heard Penny’s name. Desmond says Penny’s “an idea” and Faraday is like, no, she’s actually my half-sister. Which I both already knew and completely forgot so for once a Lost shock-line actually managed to sneak up on me as intended.
17. Desmond walks up to the stairs at the empty stadium where Jack once ran into… I forget who. Desmond, I think? Anyway, Penny’s running the stairs there. Classic! Desmond approaches her and for some reason she doesn’t appear worried that he’s about to assault her. He introduces himself and they shake hands and then WHAM-O, Desmond wakes up in the electromagnetic test room on the Island. Apparently he’s okay. He asks how long he was unconscious. No more than a few seconds, it seems. That was pretty awesome. Anyway, Widmore tells Desmond that his talent is necessary for their mission. For some reason Desmond is no longer curious about the details of what Widmore wants him to do; he just asks “when do we start?” Convenient for narrative suspense, isn’t it?
18. Desmond seems pretty happy. He wanders after Zooey and assorted goons, prepared to carry out whatever plan the script conveniently has arranged for us not to hear anything about yet. Oh, but then Sayid jumps out of the jungle, pulls some assassin shit on a few luckless thugs, and runs everyone else off and kidnaps Desmond. Desmond, despite having just been on board with Widmore’s plan, also seems quite amenable to following Sayid around the jungle.
19. Desmond then wakes up back at the stadium! Penny says he fainted after shaking her hand. He asks her out. Aw, they love each other in any timeline. Kind of odd how neither of them has noted yet that they both have British accents. I’d expect that to be the first thing any ex-pats talk about in America.
20. Desmond asks the weird driver guy to drive him to the coffee place. He also asks the driver for the manifest from Oceanic 815. He says he needs it to “show them something”. THEM WHO? THEM WHO? Yeah, we’re not going to find that out this week.
21. LOST

Final thoughts: I think I need to watch this one all over again (or at least read a recap by somebody who caught all the important stuff). I enjoyed it a lot, however, and look forward to seeing how it’ll all work out so that Desmond’s actions in the LA timeline end up undoing all of his actions in the Island timeline (or something equally complicated and weird). And it was good to see Charlie again — I’m guessing that we’ve seen the last of him now that he served his role in getting Desmond all time-feverish. But more than that, it was great to see Faraday again. Unlike a lot of the wacky cameos we’re getting this season (which, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy quite a bit), Faraday was way too important not to play a meaningful part in the conclusion of the series, so I’m glad to see him in more than an ironic ancillary role. It’s late so I’m going to stop writing now. Looking forward to what I’m now confident will be an eventful, fast-paced, and somewhat satisfying run from here til the last scene of the finale.

1. Previously on Lost: Jin. So Jin will be in this one. Richard’s nuts and Hurley told him he has to stop MIB. Jack’s playing MIB and Widmore against each other so he can hijack a submarine, which he obviously can’t drive. Okay, let’s get to the new stuff.
2. Jin gets released from prison but they took his money! He and Sun have a talk about how he does whatever her dad says. She neglects to mention that she speaks English. It’ll come I’m sure. Oh crap, they’re not married! They need two rooms!
3. Okay, on the Island, MIB puts Sayid in charge. Sayid says “I don’t feel anything”. He means… emotions! MIB suggests that this may be for the best. Sawyer asks Jin what he’s doing. Jin’s packing up to leave and find Sun. He doesn’t trust MIB. Oh, and as they argue everybody gets show up with tranquilizer darts! Like, 20 or so people. There’s some night vision. The Tina Fey-looking woman is there. They take Jin away, just like Claire’s baby in Season 1! Remember? Okay, commercials.
4. Lapidus and Miles are playing cards by the beach. Alana, Ben, and Sun chat away. Jack wanders over. Miles makes a bacon joke. It’s like they’re on the internet in 2008! Sun is extremely frustrated about Jin. She stabs a table. Then she goes off to garden, where Jack finds her. He asks about tomatoes. Apparently they’re dead. Good riddance. Anyway, they talk about candidacy. I’ll just wait for the blogs to tell me what to think about this stuff tomorrow. Sun seems to feel the same way — “I just want you to go away and leave me alone!” Alternate timeline…
5. Jin shows Sun the watch her father gave him, and tells her he’s going off to give it to whomever he’s supposed to give it to. She’s like, stop being an idiot. You missed it, you were in jail. He condescends to her about shopping. She seduces him with a casual unbuttoning. I see bra. Whoa, Sun, that’s not very traditional. Anyway, they totally do it. But back on the Island she’s stuck in the garden. MIB approaches! Now that we know he can turn into the smoke monster his appearances are quite a bit more fraught. Anyway, he says he has Jin and wants to get them back together. Don’t do it, Sun! He’s been kidnapped! She runs away. Good idea. He runs after her. Why he doesn’t just smoke out is beyond me. Commercials.
6. She and Jin wake up together in LA. Satiated and morally bankrupt. She suggests that they run away together. Jin’s… not on board. He says it’s forbidden. Then there’s a knock on the door. I’m thinking it’s whoever kidnapped him and locked him the deep freeze next to Keamy. Oh wait, it just is Keamy. Sir, you’re probably going to get shot in a little while.
7. Ben comes upon Sun, knocked out in the jungle. She’s speaking Korean. Get it together, woman. She tells him that Locke did it to her. Speaking of MIB, he gets back to the camp and finds everybody tranqed. He asks Sayid what happened. Sayid is like, hello, they tranqed me! Jin’s in a creepy room filled with big speakers. It’s locked. Looks like he’s doomed to spend this episode in custody of one kind or another. He flips a switch on the wall and epilepsy stuff happens — weird noises and flashing images. Then Tina Fey is in the room. This is “Room 23″! Michael Jordan’s room. He tries to leave and she tases him. Classic. She babbles about electromagnetism and a map. He says he wants to talk to Widmore. Fortunately Widmore wants to talk to Jin also!
8. MIB and Sayid are going to take the outrigger to the other island. Claire asks MIB if she’s a candidate. She’s figured out that he only cares about candidates, you see. She’s upset because Aaron loves Kate. This is hard to follow/care about. He seems to suggest to Claire that once the candidates are on the plane, Claire can kill Kate if she wants. Sawyer asks why MIB can’t just smoke himself over to the other island. MIB says he can’t do that. All right, fair enough.
9. V: Still not going to happen. You will never convince me to watch it, ABC.
10. Sun is in the hotel room, trying to convince Keamy that Jin’s not there. She gives Keamy the watch. He’s like, give me money. She says “no English” but I’m not convinced. Keamy’s violent associate appears. Keamy notices two glasses of champagne. This is going to end poorly, Jin-wise. They find him, topless, in the bathroom. Then they ask him about the money. Sun’s going to have to admit she speaks English here. Apparently they know a Russian guy who speaks Korean so maybe not. Sun explains to that guy about the money being taken at customs. Keamy doesn’t seem to give a crap. Of course, we already know that this ends up with Jin in the freezer. So basically this is a flashback in an alternate timeline. Good grief. How complicated does it have to get? Anyway, Jin tells Keamy he doesn’t want Sun’s dad to know he’s been compromising his daughter’s morals.
11. Back on the Island, Jack checks out Sun’s head. She can’t speak English anymore, even though she can understand it. It might be aphasia. Or it could just be narrative convenience. Richard arrives and says “pack your bags; we’re leaving”. Sweet.
12. MIB approaches the portable sonar towers by the beach. A bunch of dudes with guns come upon him. He explains that he comes in peace. Widmore comes in peace to the beach. They talk. Widmore vs. MIB. This is actually a pretty big scene, since it seems clear these are the opposing forces this season. Well, them and also Jacob. MIB says it’s WAR! But nobody’s trying to kill anybody yet. Commercial yet again.
13. Richard wants to cut MIB off at the plane on the hydra island. He wants to destroy the plane. Sun’s upset because she wants to fly that plane out of there. But he doesn’t speak Korean so it’s kind of a wasted monologue. She’s a shoo-in for the Korean Emmys, however.
14. Back in LA, she and that Russian interpreter guy are at a bank. The teller says her account has been closed. Sun says no one else knows about that account! But apparently her dad did. He transferred the money to one of his accounts. What a jerk. And Jin finally enters the freezer from which we already know Sayid will rescue him. Keamy, meanwhile, is unaware that he’s going to get killed soon. He sends his friend to go get Sayid. Whoops. Keamy chats at him even though Jin can’t understand him. I bet he’ll reveal something interesting! Yep. He says that Sun’s dad knew all about Sun and Jin. The $25k was Keamy’s fee for killing Jin. Keamy is so creepy. He taps Jin and says “the heart wants what the heart wants”. So true. Anyway, Keamy says “some people just aren’t meant to be together” which is Alanis Morissette ironic. Anyway, apparently Tina Fey is a geophysicist. Widmore says to get the “package from the submarine” and take it to the infirmary. That package is Desmond, yes?
15. Widmore shows Jin a camera with photographs of his and Sun’s daughter. Jin’s happy. This can’t end well. I sense the application of leverage. Charles tells Jin that he can reunite him with Sun and his daughter, but he can’t do it unless they deal with MIB. Apparently if he gets off the Island, everyone will just “cease to be”. If you say so. Ooooh, he’s going to show him the package, which “is not a what; it’s a who”! That would have been shocking if we didn’t all suspect it already. ANOTHER commercial, for fuck’s sake. For Kindle. Sorry Amazon, it seems you’re already obsolete :( And then they take one more shot at getting me to watch V but seriously. Jay Leno would be better!
16. Jin’s in the deep freeze. We’re overhearing what we’ve already seen. Gunshots. Jin’s freaking out. Sayid finds him, duh-balls. Jin asks in Korean for him to let him go. Sayid doesn’t really care but he gives him a razor blade to cut himself loose. Meanwhile, the Russian guy pulls Sun into the kitchen. He notices something’s wrong. Like a few dead bodies. Oh wait, one of them’s moving! It’s Keamy! While the Russian talks to him, Jin pulls a gun on him. There’s some tense dialogue about who will kill whom. Then there’s some fighting. Then Jin shoots the guy in the eye. But also, Jin’s been shot in the fight. In the belly. And then she drops this bomb: she’s pregnant. That’s pretty messed up.
17. Jack and Sun talk on the beach. Well, he talks. She doesn’t. He figures out that she can still write even if she can’t speak English for some TV reason. Also, he gives her a tomato. Gross. She writes, “Sorry :(” — yes, she drew a sad face. Sun says she doesn’t trust MIB. But don’t worry, she does trust Jack. I trust you too, Jack! He tells her that he’ll help her find Jin and get off the Island. He promises. He’s made a lot of promises.
18. Sawyer and Kate talk. Yes, they are technically in this episode. Anyway, he says he’s worried but he has a feeling that things are almost over. Which, yeah, we know. 6 more episodes. MIB reapproaches the camp. He says he sent Sayid after the “package”. We see Sayid swimming up to the pier. And we see the bad guys dragging a guy out of the sub. And it’s… OMG DESMOND. Oh wait, we all knew it was him. Except my flatmate, who didn’t even remember who Desmond is. Pathetic.
19. Anyway, that’s it. Now V is starting so I guess it’s time to set my television on fire.
20. LOST

Final thoughts: I’m not really convinced that anything happened this week. Well, a little bit happened in the alternate timeline. But aside from that it was pretty much just moving chess pieces around to set up what I hope will be more eventful stuff down the road. But you know, it was okay. Still no Shannon, Vincent, Rose, Bernard, Boone, Charlie, Anna-Lucia, or Juliet, though. And barely any Hurley, Miles, Lapidus, or Kate, for that matter. And no Jacob. And no polar bears. It’s all right, though, I’m sure we’ll get all our answers next week, when Desmond wakes up.

1. Last week on Lost: In LA, Sawyer and Miles were cops! Kate wore a hoodie just like Merton! Charlotte returned, dressed sexily! Oh, and Sawyer on the Island told Kate he planned on stealing a submarine and somehow driving it off the Island even though he’s, like, not a marine navigator. I was, and remain, dubious. The “previously on Lost” scenes begin with one I don’t remember, of Richard with a ship in a bottle. Anyway, let’s move on to tonight’s episode, which I expect to be eventful. I won’t be recapping scene-by-scene, necessarily, but I will tell you when the most ridiculous stuff happens.
2. We open on an eye! A bandaged eye! It’s Alana, I think! And Jacob visiting her in the hospital. Aw crap, we’ve already seen this. C’mon guys, we’re running out of show here, don’t waste it on deja vu. Oh okay, we get more of the scene this time. Jacob gave her a list of names. 6 candidates. HE says “this is what you’ve been preparing for”. Sun is telling Jack and Hurley about the candidate thing. Lapidus is there too! Oh man and we flashback again! Fun times. Jacob told Alana to ask Ricardus for help. Ricardus is Richard, by the way. Richard giggles because he’s cracking up a little bit. Richard says that Jacob’s a big fat liar. He says everybody’s dead, and the Island isn’t what they think it is. “We’re in Hell“. All the fans are like, dude, didn’t you pay attention at ComicCon? Lindelof said it’s not Hell! Anyway, Richard grabs a torch and runs off into the jungle to “listen to someone else”. What the what? Credits.
3. Still with the V? No, ABC, I will not watch V. That’s a bridge too far.
4. Alana says she’s going after Richard. Then everybody tells Jack about MIB. What the fuck, you guys seriously didn’t tell him about this yet? Then, rather than ask what they’re talking about, Jack goes over to Hurley and asks him why he’s speaking Spanish into the darkness. Hurley says he’s not talking to Jacob. Seems like everybody’s kinda losing it at this point. That’s the last time we’ll see Jack this week, by the way (not to mention everyone else from their camp except Hurley). The editing on this episode so far is likewise… eccentric. Kinda frantic, with continuous quick intercuts (if that’s a word) from scene to scene, which I find interesting. It’s quite a divergence from the rest of this (and prior) seasons. I wonder if it’ll continue.
5. Anyway, as Lapidus wonders at Richard’s lack of aging, we cut to Richard on a horse, riding around on Tenerife, Canary Islands, in 1867. Nice. He approaches and enters a cabin, where some woman asks if it’s him, “Ricardo”. Turns out it’s “Isabella”, and she is hella sick. She coughs up blood, so it looks like movie consumption. Also, she looks like… Salma Hayek? That can’t be right though, can it? Anyway, she takes off her necklace (a cross) and gives it to him. He’s sad. She says “cierra tus ojos” which means “close your eyes”. Then she says “we’ll always be together”. Then he says “I will save you”. Oh, that was all in Spanish FYI. Then he rides off into the rainy night.
6. He gets to some guy who’s gnawing decadently on some chicken wings. The guy says he has medicine that can save her life, but it’s very expensive. Richard gives him money and the necklace. The guy says the necklace is worthless. Then he tries to kick Richard out! Then Richard throws him! He hits his head on the table! He’s bleeding like crazy on the floor! Richard has the medicine! He runs! He rides back to Salma!?! She’s dead already. Drat. He cries, even though that’s really Jack’s usual role. The police find him and he gets locked up. I’m guessing this will end up with him locked in the Black Rock.
7. We’re still in flashback, by the way. A priest visits him. Richard was reading a bible, which is (conveniently for Americans with DVR) in English. It’s turned to Luke 4:24-37 or so, which begins “And he said, Verily I say unto you, No prophet is accepted in his own country.” Then there’s some other stuff involving Elias that I’m sure Lostpedia will sort out tomorrow. Anyway, Ricardo says he’s been teaching himself English because his wife and he were going to start a family in the New World. So much for that. Richard gives his confession. He begs for God’s forgiveness. The priest says “no”. Burn. Richard asks how he can get God’s forgiveness. The priest says he doesn’t have to do anything — tomorrow he will be hanged, so it’s off to Hell with him. Or… the Island? Commercial time so we can all think about the cruel and unforgiving God who would not grant absolution to a guy who accidentally killed a guy. [For more on this theme, consider Sunday's premiere of Breaking Bad -- ed.] Commercial time. That French girl at the cafe still wants credit for Windows 7. Aim higher, mademoiselle.
8. Could we possibly still be in flashback? This is a crazy episode, structurally. We see the gallows through Richard’s cell bars. Some dudes come in to take him. They blindfold him and drag him through the dark, dank prison to a guy who asks, in English, “is this him?” He checks Richard’s teeth. He asks the priest if he speaks English. The priest says “yes, Mr. Whitfield”. WHITFIELD? That sounds familiarish. Anyway, after Richard says he speaks English, the guy basically asks if he’s interested in being enslaved in the New World. But he doesn’t ask as much as give the priest some money and say that Richard is now the property of Magnus FUCKIN HANSO. Ugh guys, this is great. Hanso is basically not even a character from past seasons of Lost. He’s a central character, however, from the Lost Experience, an ARG created to keep nerds interested in Lost between seasons 2 and 3. But he seemed very important to the show’s mythology at that point, and it appears they’re going to integrate him in the show-proper now. Neat. Also, I’m still wondering if that was really Salma Hayek. I think it was! [Nope, see below -- ed.]
9. Wham. Cut to the BLACK ROCK on some serious CGI water. It actually looks pretty good. Everybody is shackled to the boat. Someone sees land. Island. Also, there’s a statue! THE STATUE! One of the slaves thinks it’s the devil. What an idiot. Oh, PS, it’s nighttime now, so it’s probably not the Black Rock that Jacob and MIB see in the scene that started last season’s finale (where MIB tells Jacob “do you have any idea how much I want to kill you?”). Oh, PPS, the Black Rock FUCKING SLAMS INTO THE TOP OF THE STATUE. So I guess now we know how that got broken. This is super awesome! Cut to…
10. The Black Rock, looking fake as ever, in the jungle. Everybody wakes up, the slaves still in chains. Some dude is like, God spared us. Richard is like, WTF. He hears some American voices up top. Here comes Captain Whitfield again. He stabs a guy in the stomach. It’s rough. He stabs someone else. Looks like he’s going to kill everybody. He kills the only other guy who isn’t Richard because they are shipwrecked and have no supplies or anything. He approaches Richard. He says if he freed Richard it’d only be a matter of time before he tried to kill him. He rears back to stab him and… SMOKE MONSTER SOUNDS! SMOKE MONSTER MONSTERING! VIOLENT DEATHS! Whitfield is worried. I would be also. Of course, then he gets sucked into the jungle by the smoke monster, so I guess that’s it for him. Now some animal noises happen, and also smoke monster noises, and the smoke monster enters the cabin and approaches Richard. It stares at him and makes static snapping sounds for a while. Then it’s gone. Then it’s a commercial. What the hell was that? By the way, we’re not even halfway through the episode. I guess I was right about that eventfulness!
11. ABC is so goofy that they have to do a snarky recap of the episodes of V they aired 4 months ago so that people can be caught up in time to continue not watching it when it starts airing again.
12. Okay, back at the Black Rock. A CGI moth flies around as Richard tries desperately to get out of his chains. It doesn’t work but it does start raining. He tries to reach over to get to the water that drips down but he fails because he’s a failure. After what we presume must have been a long time he manages to pry a nail out of the wood. Then after a concomitantly longer time he manages to wedge some wood out of the wall with the nail. Then he wakes up later and a boar is EATING HIS FRIEND. IT CHARGES HIM! It misses! Then it leaves. Anyway, this whole scene is kind of weird. What’s the point? Later he wakes up and a female Spanish voice is asking if anyone is there. It’s… Isabella! But you know, it’s probably not really her. She tells him that she’s dead, they’re both dead. This is Hell. She’s here to save him before he comes back. He who? THE DEVIL! Apparently she looked in his eyes and all she saw was evil. Also, I’m less sure that it’s Salma. It may just be an impersonator. As she tries to free him from his chains, the smoke monster noises start again. He tells her to run away! She does. Oh, and then it sounds like the smoke monster kills her like crazy. She screams. Presumably this puppet show is intended to make Richard a compliant servant of the Island. All Jacob has to do now is convince Richard that they can kill the smoke monster! Oh, and in the next scene, Jacob touches Richard’s shoulder to wake him. Only it’s NOT JACOB. It’s the goddamn Man In Black! Nice. If the actor’s name hadn’t been in Comcast’s info for the episode it would have been more surprising, but still good. He tells Richard that he’s “a friend”. And you know what? I maintain that he will turn out to be one. But for now we’re obviously supposed to take this statement with a grain of salt. Richard asks if he’s in Hell. MIB says yes. He says he was on the Island long before the ship. Richard asks about his wife. MIB is like, he has her. You know… him. Richard says he wants to save Isabella. MIB says he’ll help. He wants to be free too. He says he’ll free Richard if Richard will help him — will do anything he asks. MIB frees him. Then MIB says “it’s good to see you out of those chains”. Nice, we’re doing callbacks to stuff that happened like 4 episodes ago. Well, I’ll take it. It at least indicates that they’re thinking 4 episodes ahead. Anyway, MIB helps him up and tells him they’re going to escape. He says “there’s only one way to escape from Hell. We’re going to have to kill the devil”. Nice line! Commercials.
13. I really want to check and see if that’s Salma Hayek. But a) I can’t look at anything online til the episode’s over or I might get SPOILERED; and b) just so you guys know, I won’t go back and delete all the Salma Hayek stuff if it turns out it’s not her. I mean, if it’s not her you’ll already know by now that I didn’t do that, because you already read my idiotic speculations. Of course, now if it is her I lost points for not being sure I recognized her until checking IMDB or whatever. So I guess I’m definitely a doofus either way. [Note: turns out it's obviously not Salma Hayek. It's Mirelly Taylor, whom you surely remember from the Crash TV show episode, "Your Ass Belongs to the Gypsies". We regret the error -- ed.] That concludes this aside. The show, presumably, is about to return to the longest flashback sequence Lost has ever had:
14. Yep. MIB has roasted a boar for Richard to munch on. He tells Richard to walk west, to the statue. He says Richard will find the devil there. He gives Richard a big old stabbing knife and gives the same speech that Dogen gave Sayid regarding MIB! Which is basically: “stab the crap out of him as soon as you see him, don’t let him say a lying word to you”. Man, this is good stuff. Except: why isn’t he speaking Spanish? MIB reveals that he’s the smoke monster. He says that “he” took Isabella. He also says that the devil betrayed him, took his body, his humanity. Interesting. MIB seems to have a pretty standard M.O. Anyway, he tells Richard that if he ever wants to see Isabella again he’s going to have to get a little stabby. Richard tromps off into the jungle, the chronological first patsy we’ve seen take orders from a guy who refuses to explain what the hell is going on.
15. He spies the foot of the statue by the beach and walks over there. He pulls out the kife. And.. he gets punched in the face! He gets punched in the face again! He pulls the knife out! He gets punched in the face again! Oh yeah, it’s Jacob. He’s kind of mad. That’s a new one. He asks Richard about MIB. For the first time ever, Jacob looks surprised. But he quickly figures out what we already knew. MIB faked Richard’s wife to try to get him to do what he couldn’t: kill Jacob. Anyway, Jacob tells Richard that he’s not really dead. Then he drags him out to the water. He basically waterboards him. It’s odd. I guess the idea is that if Richard doesn’t enjoy the sensation of drowning he must not be dead yet. Jacob tells him to get up because “we need to talk”. And then there’s more commercials.
16. SHUT UP ABOUT V. I AM NOT GOING TO WATCH IT.
17. Jacob carries some wine over to Richard, who is swaddled in a blanket. He tells Richard that nobody goes into the statue hidey-hole unless Jacob invites them in. He also tells Richard that he’s not the devil. But wouldn’t the devil say that? Anyway, Jacob tells him that he brought the Black Rock to the Island, because… oh boy, there’s an analogy coming! “Think of this wine as what you keep calling Hell… there’s many other names for it, too. Malevolence, evil, darkness…” Anyway, it’s in a bottle, with a cork. The Island is the cork! “And it’s the only thing keeping the darkness… where it belongs”. He says that he brings people to the Island to prove MIB wrong. He says once you get to the Island, the past doesn’t matter. He says there were many others before Richard. He says they’re all dead, though. He says he wants the people to help themselves, to know right from wrong without Jacob’s help. This sounds kind of like the Bible. Anyway, Jacob offers to have Richard act as his representative, to help steer people in the right direction. Richard says he wants his wife back. Jacob says he can’t do that. He also can’t absolve Richard of his sins. But he CAN make Richard immortal, which he apparently does just by touching his shoulder again. Richard stumbles back to MIB. He hands MIB a white stone, from Jacob. MIB says that Jacob can be very convincing, but if Richard ever changes his mind, MIB’s offer still stands. He hands Richard his wife’s necklace. Nice move. Then he just disappears. Richard buries the necklace for some reason I can’t quite understand. Also, he’s crying again. He says “goodbye, my love”. And we finally flash to the present.
18. Richard (dressed all in black!) stumbles back to what appears to be the same place and starts digging. There’s the necklace! He mutters, “I’ve changed my mind.” Then he kind of yells it. “I was wrong! You said I could change my mind. Does the offer still stand? DOES THE OFFER STILL STAND?” Guess who’s behind you! It’s Hurley! Hurley is like, what offer? Oh, duh, “your wife sent me”. That’s who he was talking to! She just told him about the cross. Apparently she’s standing right next to him. Now we can see her. Hurley speaks a little Spanish to her. Hurley translates for them. Richard asks if she’s really there. She says “cierra tus ojos” which I remember from earlier in the episode. He does so. She says “it wasn’t your fault that I died, Richard. As much as you wanted to save me it was my time.” But she says it in Spanish. Anyway, she tells him it’s okay. She says “we are already together”. Then she kisses his cheek. This is basically like Ghost with a fat guy (which would probably make a lot of money). Anyway, she disappears and Richard puts on the necklace. Then Hurley reveals that she said one more thing. She said he has to stop MIB from leaving the Island, because if he doesn’t, “we all go to Hell”. But instead of cutting to black on that line like we usually would, we cut to a distance shot of the area where Hurley and Richard are standing. In the foreground, the Locke version of MIB stands, watching. He looks back and…
19. Nope, still not over! We see the original MIB, sitting and staring off into HawaiiThe Island. Jacob approaches, sits beside him. Notes that MIB got his white stone. He asks why MIB tried to kill him. MIB says he wants to leave. Jacob says that as long as he’s alive, MIB won’t leave the Island. MIB logically points out that this is why he’s trying to kill Jacob. But someone else will just take his place, Jacob retorts. MIB says he’ll just kill them, too. Fair. Jacob gives MIB the edifying wine bottle and says he’ll see him around. MIB, smashes the wine bottle on the log. I wonder if he knew that it was a symbol for his own captivity!
20. LOST

That was pretty fun, you guys. We’re starting to see some of the details of how this Jacob/MIB stuff works, and how it has repeated itself for centuries. We kind of see why Richard is immortal (because the genie couldn’t grant his first two wishes, I guess). And apparently we know now that someone can take Jacob’s place now that he’s dead. So here’s a question: does Richard have a place in the alternate timeline (which we didn’t see at all this week)? If so, what is it? And here’s another question: what happens if they succeed in killing MIB? Won’t he have a successor lined up, too? And will it be Sayid? Oh, and one more question. Is this show just going to end up being a clumsy Biblical parable? If so, how annoyed will I be?

Oh, and here’s the usual list of characters who weren’t in this episode: Jack (basically), Locke (kinda), Ben & Lapidus & Alana & Sun (more or less), Miles, Sawyer, Kate, Charlie, Boone, Shannon, Vincent, Michael, Walt, Claire, Jin, Sayid, Charles Widmore, Desmond, Penny, Libby, Anna-Lucia, Tricia Tanaka, Keamy, Arzt, Frogurt, Pierre Chang, Rose, and Bernard. And probably some others as well. This show has had a lot of characters.

1. Last week on Lost: just read what I wrote last week, slacker. But, oh yeah, there was a SUBMARINE!
2. Sawyer’s still on this show? Apparently. He’s making some jungle tea, which is just regular tea brewed in the jungle. He’s making it for busted-leg Jin. Apparently they’re all bunking with Claire and MIB. Sawyer’s obsessed with getting off the Island again. But he promises Jin they won’t leave without Sun. Crazy and MIB return with a giant crew of unwashed hippies. Also, Sayid and Kate. She and Sawyer do not make out.
3. In LA, however, Sawyer just did more than make out with some tart. They’re naked in bed together. Scandalous. Anyway, he’s running late for an appointment with “that guy” and he’s dropping a suitcase filled with money. It’s extremely reminiscent of that Season 1 episode. BUT THEN SHE PULLS A GUN ON HIM. Awesome. She’s double-conning him! But he’s triple-conning her! Maybe. Unless he’s lying about being a police operative. Haha, he IS a police operative! And his secret codeword is “Lafleur”! And Miles is his partner! This is pretty great. And yes indeed, I do smell a buddy-cop spinoff!
4. Commercials. Some French woman is lying about creating Windows Sept. Maybe she’ll turn out to be Rousseau’s real daughter. After that, ABC is really trying to get people to watch Flash Forward. “There’s gonna be another blackout!” But, then again, nobody’s gonna give a crap. Might as well be watching V, or Leno’s Cavalcade of Mediocrity. Thankfully, we’re back to a good program now.
5. Claire’s rifling through a rucksack. She grabs a knife that I have no doubt we’ll see used sooner or later. She makes a doleful face at her creepy skullbaby, which she explains to Kate is all she has. Whatever. MIB gathers the motley crew around to give them a pep talk. The former stewardess asks what happened at the temple, and MIB explains that the black smoke killed him. Meanwhile, I see Rebecca Mader’s name in the credits and I am both delighted and infuriated at getting spoiled. I should be delighted at some later point in the episode, this is bullshit! They wander off into the jungle to go somewhere or do something or whatever. Kate and Sawyer chat about how they don’t know what happened to the rest of their people. Then we go back to Det. James Ford’s desk at LAPD!
6. He’s doing some boring-ass paperwork crap, calling around trying to track down an “Anthony Cooper”. Hmm, that name sounds familiar. He’s lying to Miles about who Cooper is. Miles says he’s setting him up with a friend of his. I wonder who she’ll turn out to be. HAVE I BEEN SPOILERED ALREADY? Dammit. Anyway, he and Miles are besties. Miles says “you know you can tell me anything.” A thousand slashfictions were just born.
7. Back on the Island, they are trudging through the jungle some more. This really is like Season 1. Sawyer and MIB talk in private. He tells Sawyer that he’s the smoke monster. He says it’s either kill or be killed, and adds reasonably that he doesn’t want to be killed. MIB tells Sawyer he’s sending him to Hydra Island, to do some “recon” (hey, that’s the title of the episode!) to see what happened to the rest of the Ajira survivors. I don’t really understand this plot, but at least it’ll put somebody in one of those canoes with a sidecar. I suppose this is all just to set up that scene from last season where somebody in one of those canoes was chasing/shooting at some of our time-traveling losties (including Sawyer). Remember? I guess the idea would be that it’s MIND-BLOWING to have Sawyer shooting at himself. Or not. Anyway, there are some commercials and then we’re back to…
8. Some fancy hotel bar in LA. Sawyer’s there for his blind date. Aw man, she’s a redhead. You and I both know what’s up. And… it’s Charlotte! Please, let’s get through this episode without her bleeding from the nose and babbling about chocolate. They’re flirting it up. Sawyer says he became a cop because he reached a point where he had to choose between being a criminal or a cop, so he chose cop. Ugh, they’re making out. STAY AWAY FROM HER, SAWYER. He didn’t stay away from her at all, you guys, they are not fit to wear their promise rings! FYI, he has a copy of Watership Down on his dresser. I guess he likes anthropomorphic animal stories in any timeline.
9. Charlotte looks through his stuff while he’s in the loo. She finds a folder labeled “Sawyer”. This probably ties in with his search for Anthony Cooper, don’t you think? Anthony Cooper, remember, is Locke’s dad, with whom he appears to have a strong relationship in alternate LA. This could get weird. Anyway, Charlotte sees the newspaper stories about Sawyer/James’s dad killing his wife, then himself. He comes in and is like, why are you looking at my private things! He’s freaking out, which you can understand. He yells at her to get out. And so she does. Nosebleed-free, thankfully.
10. Back on the Island, he’s managed to get the outrigger across to Hydra Island. He found the bear-cages! Loyal fans are like, oh yeah, remember when he and Kate were locked in those for the most boring half-season ever? But I am like, actually that was pretty awesome. Assuming you buy the theory that those cages had been used to train polar bears to turn the frozen donkey wheel (which is why they found a polar bear skeleton in the middle of the desert, remember?).
11. Meanwhile, Kate asks Sayid if he believes MIB can get them off the Island. He’s acting kinda passionless. Then Claire tackles Kate and tries to knife her as Sayid watches dispassionately. Then MIB SLAPS CLAIRE IN THE FACE. Whoa. She wanders away, dazed. Kate’s distrubed by her brush with death. And also with Sayid’s willingness to just sit there and watch it happen.
12. Sawyer wanders some more, and eventually finds the Ajira plane. It’s seen better days but it’s more or less intact. There’s stuff scattered across teh beach nearby, including a recently-set campfire. Also, tracks of something heavy being dragged into the sand. Something… dead-body-ish. And, yep, he finds a pile of dead bodies. They have flies buzzing around them but they don’t look that old. He hears something behind him! It’s someone running! He runs after him/her! It’s… some girl with glasses! She says “I’m the only one left.” Oh good, another new character whose entire backstory we’ll have to sit and listen to while we learn nothing about the stuff we’ve been wondering about for the last 5 years. Commercials.
13. YESSSSSS, Charlie’s brother is at LAPD! He asks James about him but James is like, not my problem. Miles corners him and is like, why did you say you were in Palm Springs when you were in AUSTRALIA? He’s upset about the lies. He asks what James was doing there. He retorts, “that’s none of your damn business.” The bromance is totally over. Poignant string music as James looks at himself in the mirror and then PUNCHES THE SHIT OUT OF HIS OWN FACE.
14. The last one left is Zooey. They swap stories as the audience refills its drinks. She says she was out collecting wood when she heard screaming. I’m guessing it came from all her friends, who were dying. She came back to their bodies. I dunno guys, I’ve got a suspicion that she’s a grifter or something. But anyway, he tells her that he can help her by taking her back to the main Island, which I bet is a bad idea.
15. On said Island, Kate is weeping in a bamboo copse. MIB apologizes because it was his fault that Claire went nutty as a fruitcake. He says Claire needed an enemy, something to keep her going without Aaron. God this is atrocious. I mean, the thoughts are fine but there’s no need to express them aloud. Use your words to explain why the statue had four toes, MIB. She asks where Sawyer went and he says he’ll show her.
16. Speaking of which, Sawyer and the girl are walking back to the outrigger. She’s asking a lot of questions, dude. Maybe because she’s working with WIDMORE? She’s like, do you have a lot of guns? C’mon now. This is ridiculous. She’s about to knock him out and kill him. Oh good, he figured it out. He pulls his gun on her and asks who she is. She whistles and a bunch of people pull guns on Sawyer. Tee hee. So yeah, I think these will turn out to be the guys who shoot at them in the time-travel world! Anyway, Sawyer says “take me to your leader” in a sardonic tone, as is his wont. Commercial.
17. MIB and Kate sit on the beach facing the Hydra Island. Their t-shirts are super dirty. They chat about how he’s not a dead man. He says he knows what she’s going through, because his mother was crazy. His mother who??? This is awesome, actual backstory we care about! So yeah, his mother was crazy and thus he “had some growing pains” which he won’t clarify. Anyway, he says his problems were avoidable “had things been different”. It’s as if he wants to go back and change them. He says that Aaron has a crazy mother too. I think he means Claire!
18. The new dudes with guns walk Sawyer through the jungle. They walk past some dudes setting up portable sound fences like the ones they used to have around the Dharma village. Anyway, they go to the submarine, as we all knew they would. In goes Sawyer. But first we flash back to LA.
19. He lives in an apartment with orange juice and beer and frozen dinners. How sad. He watches old TV while he eats and drinks. It’s Michael Landon! One Day at a Time! Michael Landon basically says “don’t worry, be happy”. He adds that when people die they go to heaven and we’ll see them again someday. That was kind of odd. Anyway, James feels sad so he brings a flower and 6 beers to Charlotte to apologize. She says he blew it. Good work, Charlotte!
20. Okay, back to the submarine. They really stretch out his walk through the vessel. He notices a locked room which will come up later. Then he comes in and sees Widmore. He calls him “Mr. Ford”. Sawyer remembers that Widmore send the freighter filled with assassins (and Charlotte!). They talk. Sawyer says he’ll sell MIB out in exchange for a ticket home for himself and his friends. Widmore is delighted. But I don’t believe it. Widmore asks how he can trust Sawyer. And Sawyer doesn’t really explain. Because there’s no way he can trust him! But they shake hands anyway so it’s time for some more freaking commercials.
21. Back in the jungle, Kate walks back. Claire corners her to apologize for, er, trying to murder her. She cries and thanks her for taking care of Aaron, then jumps in for a gigantic hug. Claire’s acting kinda weird lately, you guys.
22. Sawyer gets back with the boat thingy. He tells MIB everything. Duh. He mentions that they’re setting up the smoke monster fence, and says he told Widmore he would set MIB up. And I say, remember two paragraphs back when I said this would happen? Some things about Lost are predictable.
23. In LA, James tries to make nice with Miles. Which is important if we’re ever going to get that cop show. He shows Miles the Sawyer file. Turns out Cooper conned James’s folks in this timeline, too (which, to pat myself on the back, I also predicted up there). Anyway, he tells Miles that he’s been hunting “Sawyer” down ever since he joined the force. He says when he finds Cooper he’s going to kill him. AND THEN A CAR CRASHES INTO THEIR CAR! Someone in a hoodie runs away from it! It’s obviously Kate! Sawyer tackles her! It turns out… it’s KATE!
24. Who, back on the Island, is staring into a campfire mopily. Sawyer chats with her. She asks why he’s working for MIB. He tells her about Widmore. He says he’s going to let the two sides fight it out, and he and Kate will leave the Island while they do. He intimates that they will be stealing Widmore’s sub. Spooky music plays and then…
25. LOST

Not bad. The James/Miles cop part was fun. A lot of the surprising twists were utterly unsurprising. Charlotte was awesome. I missed Hurley and Charlie and Jack and Sun and Lapidus and Desmond and Walt and Aaron and Jin (who completely disappeared — is he hiking along with MIB and the hippie patrol?). It’s hard to say this episode compares favorably with last week’s, but it advanced the on-Island story and expanded the alternate timeline meaningfully. Of course, none of that explains why Sawyer and Widmore pretended there was any way either of them could/should trust the other’s word, but I suppose that’s a problem for another day. Next week I presume Claire will begin the 4-episode process of sacrificing herself for Aaron, while Kate and Sawyer start making out again despite the fact that Sawyer should still be in deep mourning for Juliet (with that entire plotline concocted just to delay the inevitable Kate/Jack reunion), and while Jacob tells Hurley how to build a flux capacitor for the Dharma van.

I think we’re done with boring/uneventful episodes. I expect the rest of the season should move quickly and maybe even answer a question or two (like: where the hell is Shannon???). I also expect to learn the whereabouts of Desmond, Penny, Charlie, Rose, Bernard, and Vincent. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll get to see Arzt blow himself up in the high school chem lab!

1. First, let’s just note that we haven’t seen Sawyer (in either timeline) in weeks. Which is odd, since we haven’t seen him in LA since the plane, and the last time we saw him on the Island he was signing up with MIB, who we have seen lots of over the last couple of weeks. While I’m complaining, we haven’t seen Charlie or Boone or Desmond since the premiere, either! Also probably some other important characters I’m forgetting about. I understand the realities of making expensive television shows, but it is difficult to suspend my disbelief with respect to these characters’ extended absences.
2. But second, this was a pretty great episode. Very satisfying as a standalone (another Lostie gets unknowing redemption in the alternate timeline, even as we see it may be too late to get it on the Island), and refreshingly helpful with respect to the larger story (too much to say about this in a parenthetical, so…).
3. We got almost infinite nods to us patient fans. Nikki & Paulo & their diamonds; slo-mo campfire & reunited castaway hugs; a happy Alex; Arzt acting like a dick; and, most importantly, characters behaving in ways consistent with (and clearly because of) stuff that happened to them long, long ago. Basically, we pathetically loyal viewers were rewarded with something more than stunt-casting in the alternate timeline (although we got some of that, too, and I can’t say I minded). At this rate Sayid may even acknowledge at some point that Shannon was his girlfriend before she got shot in the gut by a Puerto Rican with a DUI problem. Hell, I’d be satisfied if he remembered that she ever existed at all.
4. We actually got some direct answers (and some indirect ones)! For example, we know now that although Jacob seemed resigned to his death (or even welcoming of it), he was actually hoping Ben might not stab him in the chest. Though you have to admit that he kind of goaded Ben into it (“What about you?” was just cold). We also got pretty close to confirmation that Ricardus first showed up on the Island on the Black Rock, and that he got his immortality from Jacob, and that he’s kind of a weenie. We learned that MIB can undo shackles from afar, just like Magneto. And we found out that even if you tell someone they’re digging their own grave, if you point a gun at them they’ll do it anyway.
5. PLOT DEVELOPMENT! HOLY CRAP, PLOT DEVELOPMENT! Okay, so that was mostly just the last 10 seconds of the episode, but it seems Charles Widmore has managed to find his way to the Island. Is this because Jacob’s not around to warp Earth’s magnetic fields? Perhaps we’ll find out! But yeah, probably not. Still, it’s nice to have something happen other than additional castaways choosing which supernatural being they want to throw in with.
6. Oh, that reminds me: if I could change one thing about Lost, I would get rid of the guest cast names they show in the first few minutes. Because as pathetic as it may be to recognize Alan Dale’s name, that is where I’m at, so I spent the whole episode wondering when, exactly, Widmore would appear. And of course once there were only 10 seconds left in the episode I pretty much knew who was in that sub.
7. Miles got to have his Sixth Sense moment and then got back to being funny. Funny Miles, you’re the best.
8. For better or for worse, Jack seems to have completely moved from man of science to man of faith. When he sat in that tinderbox, grinning at the lit dynamite, it might as well have been Locke, assuring poor dumb Boone that there was a reason they found that hatch. This isn’t quite new — he basically exhibited an equal amount of blind faith in last year’s “let’s blow up a bomb and then we’ll be saved for some reason” plotline (which, let’s remember, he started this season out believing had utterly failed) — but it is a startling shift for a character who used to act as the voice of reason who wasn’t Hurley and cried disconcertingly often. Anyway, I’m hoping it turns out that his faith in Jacob is horribly misplaced. Mostly because that would validate my predictions early this season.
9. I do hope we manage to get Sun and Jin together next week, though. Not because I care so much as because I am sick of hearing about it.
10. Now let’s talk about Ben for a second. I have to say, I’m not a huge Ben guy. I don’t find his character (or the actor) annoying, but I’ve always felt they got more than their share of acclaim from fans and critics (see also: Locke/Terry O’Quinn, another guy who does a good job with great writing). That said, this episode went a long way toward justifying the extensive attention he’s gotten (both from us and from the Lost writers) — the alternate timeline shone a light on how different Ben could have been if he hadn’t been raised by an alcoholic asshole on a desolate Island populated by crazy hobos and jumpsuited hippies. And, as I alluded to above, it gave Ben some closure on a couple of his more reprehensible transgressions, but it did so without simply undoing them. Like Sayid last week, the Ben who did those things can never really escape them; at the same time (literally?), he cares for his father and his daughter-figure and passes up a petty despotism on their behalf. It wasn’t the subtlest storytelling but it was effective nonetheless.

I wasn’t worried about Lost. The last few episodes were kinda slow and not entirely satisfying, but I trusted the show would right the ship and start driving towards a conclusion. And tonight’s episode got us moving in that direction. It rewarded those of us who have dedicated way more time to obsessing over (fictional!) minutia, and it told a self-contained story that advanced our understanding of a central character. And it did all that without me frustratedly swearing aloud because Jack failed to ask an obvious question (although actually it would have been nice if he had pushed Richard to be a little more specific about his background). It reminded me of how good this show can be at times, and even if most of the rest of this season doesn’t clear that bar at least it’ll all be better than Dollhouse.

Next week: I didn’t watch the preview, because I never watch the preview, because all the preview does is lie. It’s like local news promos: “What Christmas toy could kill your child? Tune in at 11 or little Billy will die.” But I’m hoping we get to see some more faces from the past put to use for actual plot-advancing ends, and some more details unfolding without introducing too many new questions. And like I said before, I’m really hoping we get this Sun/Jin reunion over with so we can move on to bigger and better things.

Girl Talk. How somebody can go from this complete pile of crap to the best album of 2008 in just two years is utterly beyond me, but Gregg Gillis (aka Girl Talk) managed it with the life-affirming Feed the Animals. Girl Talk takes the mashup mentality to one of its logical conclusions: why just put two or three songs together when you can put the best eight-to-fifteen seconds of a few dozen songs together instead? This strategy is risky, to say the least — if the samples aren’t awesome, if they don’t mesh well, if the listener is sensitive to the rampant obscenity Girl Talk favors, it just comes off as a horrible mess (see Girl Talk’s aforelinked 2006 album Night Ripper for just how bad this can get). But with Feed the Animals, which incidentally has a fascinating commercial history (it was originally sold In Rainbows-style but now can (and should) be purchased at Amazon’s MP3 Store), Girl Talk managed to make an album I’d put up there among the very best of the last five years. It’s lively, funny, artful, and assertive, and incredibly compelling. And, for what it’s worth, it’s the best music to run to (up-tempo and continuously changing).

Now I think I’ll let my judgmental friends over at Pitchfork say a bit:

Unlike mash-up makers in it to figure out the lamest way to combine two song titles, justify their existence with cheap mp3 blog Diggs, or wind up in a Cobrasnake shot with some Olsen twin look-a-like, Gillis just really likes stuffing tons of his favorite FM moments into bursts of Top 40 overload. “I’m a pop music enthusiast,” he told me. Hailing from the anti-flash city of Pittsburgh, Gillis has sidestepped the Absolut-sponsored stigma associated with of-the-moment party starters ever since 2006′s [mediocre -ed] Night Ripper sent him on a never-ending tour of sweat-stained clubs. While his live set changes with the ebb and flow of the Hot 100, this is Gillis’ first major release as a semi-popular act. Unsurprisingly, his new record, Feed the Animals, comes off like the ultimate July 4th rooftop soundtrack. Seems like those stage-crashing dates made the unassuming former biomedical engineer even more eager to indulge his hungry followers. As the recognizable samples zip by at a dizzying clip, it’s as if Gillis is standing tall above the fray, screaming: “Are you not entertained?!”

The album is so good that picking which song to play for you came down to an awesome, awesome tiebreaker. That tiebreaker is Wired Magazine’s impressive and thorough graphical breakdown of the 35 (!) samples in today’s four-and-a-half minute song:

You will definitely want to click the image for full size:

I hate to pick a favorite part of the song, but it’s probably the segue from Outkast‘s “Miss Jackson“‘s “for ever ever?” to The Jackson 5‘s “ABC. It’s sickeningly good. But honestly, the entire album is so great that it climbs into your skull and punches its way out right through your face. In a good way.

Okay, you can download the song here or just stream it below (warning, there are copious swears): What It’s All About – Girl Talk

And second, here’s a mashup that pretty much epitomizes the phrase “guilty pleasure”. It combines the aforementioned “Party and Bullshit” with, well, let’s just say that Miley Cyrus is involved. Check it out, internet: Party and Bullshit in the USA

Tomorrow: best. mashup. ever.

Unrelated Postscript: Archer is funny. It’s deeply obscene, irreverent, and morally bankrupt. And the son from Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist voices the protagonist. It’s the closest thing we have to Arrested Development, at least until Dayman returns. You should probably be watching it, friends.

1. Previously on Lost: Jacob was a manipulative dick, just as I predicted after the season premiere. Claire was dirty and wore plaid; presumably she’s an Animal Collective fan. Also, Sayid was dead. Then alive. Then tortured. Then they tried to poison him but Jack didn’t let them. Then we flashed to this episode:
2. Sayid is in LA (X). He rings a doorbell and it’s… his hot mama, Nadia! She’s not dead. Also, she’s sporting a huge wedding ring. Also, there are kids there! ALSO, THE KIDS CALL HIM UNCLE SAYID. Aw crap. She’s married to some other dude who is Sayid’s brother. Rough. Allegedly, Sayid translates oil contracts, which is why he travels all the time. I dunno, I’m thinking he’s a trained assassin. Anyway, Sayid’s brother is a dickhead. Obviously Nadia and Sayid had a thing on the side once but shit got too REAL so he stopped. The kids reveal that he had a picture of her in his bag though, so now she knows he’s still the 3 year old girl to her Justin Bibier. Anyway, flash back to the Island.
3. Sayid asks Master Splinter for answers. Like: what was up with the torture? Apparently it was to figure out whether Sayid is good or evil. Seems he was evil. So the guy wants to kill him. So then they fight. It’s pretty cool. Always fun to watch Sayid scamper around and try to hurt people. This fight is kind of Bourne-y. Lots of props used. And then the guy is about to kill Sayid but a baseball falls onto the ground and for some reason the guy tells him to just leave and never come back. Uh, okay…
4. MIB and Claire are in the jungle. About to infiltrate the Temple. My apartment-mate, Drew, just started quietly singing “if I could turn back time”, FYI. And thus I lost track of the conversation where MIB explained to Claire why she was going into the Temple instead of Sawyer or Jin. Maybe because she’s built up antibodies from rooting around in the mud for 3 years. Commercial time.
5. Sayid sleeps on the couch. His brother taps him and Sayid REACTS WITH FIGHTING INSTINCTS. But then it’s just his brother, there to tell him that he’s in trouble. He borrowed money from the mob, instead of a bank! He needs help–he needs Sayid to beat the mob up. His brother is like, I know you love Nadia, do it for her. Sayid declines, because he’s not that man anymore. I predict he will kill at least 3 people by the end of this episode (just in LA, not on the Island).
6. Speaking of which, Sayid is leaving the Temple. Miles explains to him that he was dead for 2 hours before he woke up. He says, whatever brought Sayid back, it wasn’t the unwashed Others. Speaking of unwashed, Claire walks into the Temple to relay a message: “he wants to see you”. They lock Claire up. Sayid doesn’t seem that surprised to see her, even though as far as he knows she’s been dead for a while. Then the dojo master invites Sayid back in, explaining that “things have changed”. He asks Sayid where Jack went. And then he pulls a box out of a potted plant while he explains that MIB was trapped, but is free now that Jacob is gone, and he won’t stop til he’s destroyed everything alive on the Island. He’s “evil incarnate”. Yeah right. Anyway, sensei wants Sayid to kill him. He says MIB will appear as someone Sayid knows who has died. Sayid points out that he’s not inclined to do any favors for him after all the killing and torture and stuff. The guy suggests that Sayid has a chance to prove that there is good in his soul. So I guess he wasn’t infected–he was just judged to be a jerk or something? I don’t trust this crap any more than I trust this ad assuring me that Shutter Island wasn’t a mediocre movie.
7. Commercial for Modern Family. Have you seen it? It’s not bad. Although, to be honest, it’s not exactly Must See TV. Oh, but Jack’s wife (from the original timeline) plays the mom, so that’s pretty sweet.
8. Sayid is taking the kids to school. He says he needs to go to Toronto for work soon. The kids are like, but we and mommy like it when you’re here! Speaking of his wife, she comes out to tell Sayid that his brother is in the hospital. Because the mob punched him in the internal organs. Nadia asks him not to go out and kill anybody. We’ll see.
9. On the Island, he walks into the jungle and finds Kate. OR IS IT KATE? I guess it is. He tells her to go ask Miles what she missed. He’s playing solitaire. They chat about Sawyer, but who cares. He mentions that Claire showed up, “still hot”. I guess that’s his gross punk phase popping up again. Anyway, Sayid is in the jungle and a bunch of wind shakes the plants and the SMOKE MONSTER noise is made. And then Locke shows up. And then Sayid stabs him in the chest with a machete!!!! And then Locke isn’t hurt. Because he’s not mortal. Neat.
10. Hot Tub Time Machine looks bad. Sorry. I bet the bloopers will be funny though.
11. Sayid is confused and worried now that stabbing MIB was ineffective. MIB offers him his machete back, says “take it, I won’t bite”. That’s weird. They have a fun little conversation about Dogen (I’m tired of coming up with insensitive nicknames related to the fact that he’s of Japanese descent). MIB says Dogen knew Sayid couldn’t kill him, and that he was trying to get Sayid killed. MIB asks him to deliver a message, and says “what if I told you you could have anything you wanted?” ASK FOR MORE WISHES! But okay, Sayid says he wants Nadia back. MIB is like, dude, I control time and space! It could happen!
12. Speaking of which, we flash to LA, where Sayid is putting together a vase that Nadia’s stupid kid broke. Apparently he was babysitting while Nadia took care of her husband, who apparently is recovering from organ surgery. I think they’re going to kiss each other soon. He’s going to cuckold his bro! She asks why Sayid pushed her towards his brother in the first place. He says, basically, that he used to be a jerk and doesn’t deserve her. Oh, as I typed that, he actually said that. Not the jerk part. Point being, sometimes this show is pretty predictable!
13. Sayid is back at the Temple, and he tells everyone that Jacob is dead, and that because he’s gone nobody has to stay in the Temple anymore. The Tailee stewardess hugs the kids. Anyway, he says that anybody still in the Temple at sundown is gonna die.
14. Kate finds the guy with the round glasses, whose name is hilariously “Lennon”, and asks for Claire. He shows her to a pit, in which Claire sings Australian nursery rhymes to herself. Kate asks why Claire’s down there. Claire says that they have Aaron. Kate is like, no, I took Aaron. Claire is like, I have angry squinty eyes and now I’m going to have to kill you a lot. Kate’s digging herself quite a hole here, talking about raising Aaron, about how great he is. Claire is like, you’re gonna die. YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE. HE’S COMING!!!!
15. Commercial. I want a Filet O’ Fish sandwich.
16. Sayid saunters around the Temple, carefree. The stewardess is taking the kids away. Sayid grabs his killknife and goes off in search of someone. Presumably Dogen.
17. In LA, an arab guy who is obviously evil (he has a goatee) talks Sayid into a black SUV. Drives him to a meeting in the back of a restaurant where someone’s cooking. Who is it, I wonder? MYSTERIOUS! Okay, I’ll tell you, it’s THE FREIGHTER CAPTAIN WHO DIED OMG. YESSSS. Remember Keamy? Him! This is pretty cool though, for realsies. He made some eggs for himself. As he eats, he talks to Sayid about his brother, the ne’er-do-well. He explains that Sayid’s brother owes him money, and Sayid says he’s shaking his brother down. Keamy turns out to be kinda creepy even when he’s not a mercenary ship captain. Then Sayid does some military stuff and shoots a henchman (that’s one). He pulls a gun on Keamy, who says his brother’s debt is forgiven. I think he’s about to get killed also. I WAS RIGHT AGAIN, Y’ALL. That’s two. Poor Keamy is just too creepy to survive in this or any world. Sayid hears somebody moving in the meat locker. It’s JIN! He was tied up back there. Also, he only speaks Korean. This again, I thought Jin Can’t Speak English was over on this show.
18. Anyway, we have to watch an Olive Garden commercial now. Their food honestly looks disgusting in this commercial–maybe they should aim for something on the other end of the tastiness spectrum. Please, if you happened upon this post by googling something like “is Olive Garden delicious?”, let me make this as clear as possible: go to a cheap neighborhood restaurant, not a national chain restaurant that aims for mediocrity and still falls short.
19. Sayid found Dogen. He notes that stabbing MIB in the chest didn’t really accomplish much and asks why Dogen keeps trying to get Sayid killed rather than just doing it himself. Dogen clutches that baseball and says he used to be a Japanese businessman. He says that he was promoted and went out to celebrate and he drank too much. Been there, done that, AMIRITE? Well, this time he picked his son up from baseball practice (the one who played piano in the LA timeline). But he got in an accident! His son died! And then a guy came to him in the hospital and said he could save his son’s life, but he’d have to come to the Island forever and never see the boy again. And then the audience was like, do we really need to focus on the backstory for new characters we just met? We have a lot of other questions already. Anyway, the guy who came to him was Jacob. Duh. Jacob’s a bad guy, y’all. Anyway, it’s sundown. Sayid says he wants to stay. And then he pulls Dogen into the limpid pool of non-rescussitation! And he tries to down him. And I dunno guys, it looks like it’s working. Dogen’s body goes limp and he releases the Baseball of Meaning. Lennon finds them and is worried. “What have you done?”, he asks? Then Sayid cuts his throat. God, Sayid kills so many people.
20. Outside, the smoke monster sounds are all over. The woods shake. Stuff starts exploding! Smoke monster drags everyone everywhere! Kate and Miles run away! Other people get slaughtered! It’s pretty cool. Kate goes to get Claire as more extras are killed. I wonder what Jack, Sun, Hurley, and Sawyer are up to. Miles bars the door for a while and then what’s her name shows up with Lapidus and Ben! This is confusing as hell. Kate goes to rescue Claire, but Claire is like, let’s just hang out in here instead. Kate gets in the pit with Claire. But… didn’t Claire desperately want to kill Kate? We’ll see.
21. Sayid chills by the pool with his bloody knife. Ben finds him and says there’s still time to go. Sayid giggles and is like, I’m suicidal, Ben, I fully intend to die here. Oh, and Sun’s here. Miles is like, have you seen Jin? And the audience rolls its eyes.
22. What’s her name and Lapidus examine the hieroglyphics on the wall; she finds the secret passageway to the safetyroom! She, Lapidus, Miles, and Sun go in there. The Smoke Monster goes by where they just were!
23. Sayid meanders around the exploded Temple grounds, where most everybody is dead as hell. Claire and Kate join him. Ooh, Kate grabs a rifle. Good idea. Sayid might decide to kill you.
24. Sayid and Claire walk outside where they find MIB and a group of others. MIB gives him a wink, as if to say, good job. Then Kate walks out and MIB glares at her for a second as if to say, not a good job. She seems confused. I guess I don’t blame her. MIB and his crew walks off into the jungle.
25. LOST

Okay. Well that was fun but I can’t help being annoyed by the various characters who are missing each week. This week it was Jack, Sawyer, Hurley (plus all the characters who only showed up for a second). Last week it was Sawyer, Sun, and I forget who else. And every week since the premiere it has been Desmond, Charlie, Boone, Shannon, and all the other characters who apparently only get to be cameo players now, even if they have all been vital, central personages at various times in the show’s history. It’s especially annoying when we get extensive expository dialogue filling in the backstory on characters who were introduced 4 episodes ago.

Awesome to see Keamy, though, and especially awesome to see him die again. That was a nice surprise–thank you, internet, for forgetting to spoil it for me!

In sum, this week was a gigantic improvement over last week’s stunningly-boring, utterly silly episode. But there’s plenty of room for more improvement, and I hope to see some of it in the next few weeks.

You can download it here, or stream it below: