Unfortunately, all of this was one-sided.

He treated me like dirt for a long time.  It was your typical “girl falls for the jerk” situation.  If anyone was nearby, I didn’t matter any more.  I was ridiculed, laughed at, and worst of all ignored.  In private, it would be different and he would be a bit better, but only until someone walked by.  A switch would flip and I was back to feeling like a worthless idiot.  He broke up with me for a few months for no real reason, but then he came into my dorm room one afternoon, drunk as hell, and told me how much he missed me. Because I was foolish, I took him back. Who was I to care if he was sober or not?

The thing about dating jerks is that, while they treat you shitty on a regular basis, the nice things they do for you mean a lot.  They will make fun of you in front of their friends, but pick you up a candy bar at the gas station.  When you’re stupid like me, you think that candy bar means that he loves you and he didn’t really mean it when he called you stupid earlier.

He treated me like dirt, but I told him I loved him almost a year into our relationship.  Surprise: he didn’t feel the same.  While some jerks tell you what you want to hear, but this one didn’t.  Aside from the day he stumbled into my room to try to get me back, he never said anything to imply he cared about me. He would do nice things once in awhile, but he never said anything to indicate how he felt about me. And, of course, I never asked.

We dated for over 2 years, and he got better as time went on (maybe I finally grew on him).  At one point, I found myself looking for a new job.  We were living over 2 hours apart from each other at that time, and I suggested I look for something in his area.  The “NO” left his mouth very quickly.  He did not want me looking for employment in his area.  Absolutely not.  I don’t think I can convey quite how much that hurt.

I finally stood up for myself and said that I couldn’t do the long distance relationship any more, and if the only job I could find was 2.5 hours away, we would have to say our good-byes.  A month later, we were over.

For some reason, I’ve been thinking about him the last few days.

Sigh.

Admittedly, it is kind of nice.  Perhaps I’m bias after 5 years of “guy time”, but I’m drawn to the fun-loving and goofy attitudes of men.  I appreciate their tendency to move toward on-the-surface conversation because I am someone who doesn’t like to share much about herself in casual conversation.  And, should I ever feel like sharing, men really aren’t bad listeners.  They tend to base decisions on logic rather than emotion, so their opinions are worthwhile to hear (so long as I don’t mind a jab at my feelings once in awhile).  Not to mention they can open jars and move heavy things — a Godsend for a scrawny lady like myself.

Unfortunately, the good also must come with the bad.  Sometimes A lot of the time, lunch conversation is a discussion over WHICH ACTION MOVIE IS THE BEST ACTION MOVIE EVER?!!? while I sit quietly poking at my food with my fork.  Car talk is also a snooze-fest for me.  I also have a tendency to be over-emotional at times (thanks, lady parts) and while it’s kind of funny watching them figure out how best to approach me in fear of setting me over the edge, it also can make me very angry for a reason I’m not really sure of.

And then there are days like today.  Days when I am shown a piece of paper with a penis faintly drawn on it… or they are openly and gleefully playing fart audio loudly on their computers nearby… or I open my inbox and discover a forward all about anal leakage…

… these are the days I realize I should never forget what I got myself into.  They might try to class it up once in awhile for the lady, but deep down men are still pretty gross.

I don’t think I would have it any other way.

I went back and read the first few posts of 2010 and remembered why I keep this blog in the first place.  It’s record keeping!  Had I not been able to search the archives, I wouldn’t have remembered how I was feeling back then.

2010 saw a lot of highs and lows.

After dating Dan for nearly 2 years, the first words I heard in the year 2010 were, “This is the year that we get engaged” only to find myself single again in August.

I found myself some great friends here in Minnesota, but I was forced to push out a few friends that were intoxicating in negative ways.

I began 2010 dissatisfied with what seemed like every aspect of my life.  Despite still working in the same place, I have a better outlook.  I am still “chasing a dream that hasn’t really formed”, but I am taking life day-by-day and embracing the beauty in things around me.  I find it keeps me much more stable.

My addiction to appearance is still very much present, but in a different way.  I’ve kept myself away from the makeup aisles in CVS when I’ve been feeling down (and this has probably saved me hundreds of dollars).  I find myself appreciating a more “natural” look and attempting to stay that route – especially on days when I am feeling extra blah.   I suppose it’s safe to say I feel happier and more confident in myself, so I don’t need to “fake it” any more.

I moved to a new apartment and am living alone for the first time.  Unfortunately, I will be moving again soon  More on that at a later date.

As I quickly mentioned a few posts ago, I started dating someone new!  I know he has been waiting for the day that I mention him on my blog in greater detail than, “Hey, I just started dating this dude, internet”, but unfortunately today is not that day.  There is a lot to say, and that’s why I’m having trouble figuring out exactly what to put into words.  I think that a simple “<3″ will suffice for now.

Monthly Goals weren’t really that much better than Yearly.  Failure was just a lot more frequent.

I just went back to try to count all of my resolutions, but many of them couldn’t be answered with just a “yes” or “no” regarding completion.  But this year, I know I will be just attempting the yearly goal thing again.  They are:

• Achieve a “beach body”
• Learn tagalog
• Perfect the croissant (I have been working on this lately – I will post about it soon)
• Get in better touch with my “artsy” side whether it be through calligraphy, writing, or some other outlet
• Take stock in all of the things I am currently involved in and rid myself of anything I’m not really passionate about.  I decided that life’s too short to feign interest in something.

5 things that will take all year to get through, I think.

Happy [late] 2011!

I just really wanted to share this:

[via]

Updates coming soon.

(via Boing Boing)

Is this real?  I don’t really care.  It makes me laugh anyway.

• Contrary to popular belief, I am still alive.
• I live in Minnesota and we had a HUGEEEE blizzard over the weekend.  It sucks to be snowed in Good thing I live 1/2 mile from the bar!  And good thing I have legs that work!  And also a winter coat!
• There are basically no Christmas decorations in my apartment.  It will probably stay this way, and that’s kind of a drag.
• Laziness is my own worst enemy sometimes.
• I started dating again.  I really, really like this guy
• Despite the amount of “like” going on here, I am fully prepared to leave if necessary.  I am just being a lot more careful this time around.
• The winter cold really sucks, but I think I am adjusting.
• My Christmas shopping is only halfway done
• If someone would be willing to get me a maid for Christmas to clean my 750 sq. foot apartment because I hate doing it… that would be great. THANKS.

 Here’s how I did for November –

Go on a date – Believe it or not, I was successful in this endeavor A kind co-worker who is married and has 3 kids found himself with nothing to do one evening after work and asked me if I would like to go on a date with him to Chipotle.  No, it wasn’t creepy or anything – he is a good friend and is a regular reader of my blog.  I think he thought I wouldn’t get a date otherwise (… not sure how I feel about that), so he took me on a pity date so I could claim “success” at this goal THANKS COACH!

5/7 isn’t too shabby, right?

December Goals –

• Continue applying!!! - I’m on a roll!
• See my family – It has been some time, and I really miss them
• Work 50 hours for at least 2 weeks in December – I get overtime, so I might as well take advantage of it
• Don’t use my credit card – 3 cheers for financial freedom
• Get better at interviewing – Apparently it takes some time to get back into the groove?
• Clear out the bad stuff - There have been some stressors and secrets in my life.  I think I will make it a goal to clean out my closets this month for a fresh 2011.
• Go snowboarding – And maybe I can actually finish learning? But probably not.

Hi, me.

We’ve been friends for a long time.  We were enemies for awhile there and couldn’t seem to come to agreement on anything, but we have settled our differences and really grown to love one another, haven’t we?  Sure, we still have the occassional fallout when we can’t even make eye contact with one another in the mirror for a few days.. or I want to disown you and in no way be associated with you, but for the most part I am happy with the relationship that we have formed.  I hope that it’s one we can continue for the rest of my life.

Oh, how I love thee.  Let me count the ways.

1) You love to smile and smiling somehow has the ability to upturn any bad day. 

2) You have the ability to sniff out “good” people.  Friends that will last a lifetime have somehow found their way into your life, and you didn’t turn them away.

3) You’ve grown into a pretty young woman.  You definitely had a really long awkward phase, but you pulled out of it.  Good for you.

4) You have the ability to adapt.  Country to city.  Job to job.  School to work.  Each transition came with its own set of difficulties, but you stuck it out.

5) When you care about someone, you make sure that they know it. 

6) Should being your smiley-self not pull you out of a bad day, a good puppy picture will.  Loving animals is a great thing.

7) You are (for the most part) low maintenance and you find enjoyment in the little things.  Sure, expensive things can keep you entertained and happy, but not nearly as happy as coming into work and finding that someone left your favorite snack at your desk… or getting a snail mail from a friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile. 

8 ) You don’t gain weight despite a poor diet and no exercise.  That kicks so much ass… you don’t even know.

9) Curly hair

10) Your “get to the point” attitude is kind of a put off sometimes for people, but it’s nice to know that you won’t beat around the bush for 20 minutes when all you’re trying to say is “No, I don’t want to give you money”.  Instead, you just outright say, “No, I won’t give you money”.

11) Your ability to hang with dudes. 

12) Even though you don’t use it as much as you should, you have a creative side that comes in handy sometimes.

13) Your optimism.  You got a job interview today and even though your older coworkers were trying to drag you down with their “corporate america” stories, you still sit there as excited for your future as ever.

14) Your introvert side.  You’ve become much more of an extrovert in these last few years, but you still need recharging time or you will hate your life.  Sitting at home watching a movie? A-okay.

Thanks, me, for being such a great friend.

Love,
Heather

ANYWAY — on that happy note, lets answer some questions!

Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Let me first start off by saying… I can guess what I would do, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll follow through with my “plans” should it actually happen.  I’d probably reevaluate the situation after crying non-stop for 3 straight weeks.

I’m not sure what I’d do to be honest.  One thing I do know is that I would not get married just because I was pregnant.

Day 29 – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I am kind of weird in thinking that people don’t really like me.  It’s silly, I know, but that insecurity is buried deep inside of me and I can’t let it go.  I don’t invite people over or have parties because I don’t think anyone will show up.  It’s weird, I know, but something I can’t quite get past.

So I would say that the one thing I’d like to change is that deep-rooted insecurity that I have yet to shake.  There is no reason for it to be there.