Look at the marriages and relationships that are falling apart, and you will find that there is a great lack of showing appreciation and thanks. Small things are taken for granted. Slowly, but surely, the relationship is falling apart not because there is a lack of love but because there is a lack of appreciation and gratitude.

Because of what society has taught us we label being appreciative as a sign of being sentimental, “corny,” “mushy,” and even at times unnecessary. But can we really “over thank” someone? Is there anybody in the world who doesn’t appreciate being appreciated? Or are we just too full of ourselves to think otherwise? Have we forgotten that before we can be appreciated, we need to first appreciate?

No. We can never appreciate too much. Appreciation is gratitude in action. Active gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to show how much we truly love and care for someone. Authentic love cannot exist or survive without active gratitude.

Another thing we need to realize is that the different emotions and feelings that we associate with love are but a tiny aspect of love. It is quite erroneous to think that love is nothing more than a mere feeling or emotion. A lot of people somehow believe that when the feelings of being in love are gone, that love itself is gone. There are a couple of things to consider here: that feelings always change, and feelings are not always dependable or reliable. Therefore it is crucial to note that there are other aspects of love that we need to explore. Those are the aspects of love that are inherently more spiritual in nature that will be discussed in my next article.

So where did love go? It’s still there. It just took on a different shape and form.

Yesterday, I met someone who said they were in a relationship where they had to ’shrink to fit’.

That really broke my heart.

How much aliveness is in a situation like that?

There was something about just hearing it put like that, that reminded me that we never want to live like that; that everyone deserves better.

So, some helpful reminders:

• No more playing small.
• No more scraps of love.

• Never shrink to fit.

If you take these phrases to heart, they can support you having what you most deserve.

A wonderful life.

When you first arrived as a newborn there were no language skills. There was no “mommy” or “daddy” or “you.” There was no pressure to look good. Life was about innocence and wonder.

Looking at possibility, is there a way to access this beginner’s state if it once was who we were? Is it not then still who we are? Is there a way to activate that state where there was no judgment or evaluation?

Can we have power over our inner dialogue that has veered us away from the innocence? Or are we too caught up listening to our self? 

What if your partner was your ally to remind you about your beautiful self? Are you willing to be in a relationship where you trust that he/she can see you better than you can see yourself?  If so, then perhaps a relationship is about one’s awakening.

How more simple a reminder can this be in any relationship?

Phrases, sentences and words have an impact.

To build a healthy and meaningful relationship, I suggest a simple reminder.

Before saying anything, ask yourself this question:

Does this need to be said?

Have a nice day.

What is the difference and how do you balance between being yourself and being uncompromising in a relationship and the reverse of this….being too compromising and no longer being yourself?

This is a good one because most people struggle with this issue in their relationship. Part of being in a relationship is that there are three entities in a relationship. There is the self, the other and then there is the we, the unit of the relationship. When you are single all you need to think about is yourself and other people like family and friends. In intimate partnership we need to nurture the we and the other as well as the self, so there is definitely an invitation to grow beyond selfishness, which is why relationships offer us so much in terms of how to open deeper than our egos, which are inherently selfish. 

This invitation to grow beyond egoic selfishness is one of the greatest gifts of relationship. So too is the invitation to come to know yourself deeper than the self we normally identify with: the heart of all spiritual work. There is also a place where we betray our own selves seemingly from a place of love but when we really look at it is from a place of fear.  Part of what helps make a relationship deep and profound is a very deep commitment to the truth. We all know at least in principle that ‘the truth will set you free’ but are we really wiling to trust and live that?  This is one of the key themes that I will work with; cultivating deep love of the truth…Not love of the truth for what it might give us, not in the hope that truth will fulfil our agenda, but learning to have a love affair with Truth Itself. There are many levels to this of course: 

1) learning to inquire into own experience so that we are actually being truthful to ourself – truthful with our relative human experience and also truthful to the essential ground underneath our ego experience. 

2) Learning to love speaking the truth to others (skulfilly and minus attack) and welcoming them to speak the truth to us, and

 3) really wanting to know the deepest truth of Being and of Love itself. Relationship conflicts essentially expose our own inner wounds, which cover our capacity to dwell in essential being, the radiant truth of our essence. So we can learn to utilize the fear of losing ourself and the conflicts that arise out of that as a gateway into exactly how and why we find it difficult to know the depth of our own being. 

When you work that deep commitment to the truth in relationship, this question over the line between bring true to your own soul and commitment to the relationship evaporates. Dedicate the relationship to Truth itself, and the rightful flow and form becomes apparent.

Question: If you have been single for a while and despair of ever meeting Mr or Mrs Right what advice would you give to somebody who has been single for a long time but wants to be in a relationship?

You firstly need to be committed to your own life and living it with depth in the direction that is authentic for you. 
Being single means that you have a lot more time to get your life the way you want it spiritually, psychologically physically so that you are not waiting around for whoever comes along to make it right.

The second thing is that I find that it is helpful to do a bit of a self assessment about what your deepest values are. Intimate relationships flow more smoothly from a clear base; in that when you are clear about what is most valuable to you and you hook up with someone whose life goals are, at least, in alignment or complimentary to yours.  It seems really basic but if your core values are opposing this cause problems that will in the long term be difficult to resolve.

When I was single pondering my relational life, I began to write a list. I know a lot of people write a list of ‘my perfect partner shopping list’. My list was more of a self reflection, a reviewing of what I had to bring to a relationship. I meditated on all of the dimensions in which I know that I can show up for – what I know I can bring to someone – without editing anything. This helped me get clear on what I was really interested in with regards to relationship, what I saw in this process, was that primary for me is wanting someone who could really match me in most of the areas in which I show up in, fundamentally, someone who could really be my equal, someone who was capable, wanting and willing to meet in the depths. Someone that was primarily interested in deep and multi-dimensional liberation.

It was really great to look at that and name the specifics and identify what I could say a full YES to, and where I would not settle. This self review was an amazing and positive process in reviewing what was most important to me and what I had to give, and where exactly I wanted to meet and be met. Additionally, to see my areas of under-development, own those and commit to not expect anyone else to rescue me from anything I was not willing to handle myself. When we genuinely commit to ourselves and do not unconsciously ask another to fix something for us, we are in genuinely free to choose a partner not because we are afraid to be alone, or because we need someone to shelter a particular vulnerability, but because we are inspired by their soul, feel it feeds and matches ours, and step into relationships with greater maturity and depth.

It was incredibly useful in a very wholesome way. Interestingly, within six weeks of writing that list I met Bob who turned out to be an extraordinary fulfilment of that list.  We been enjoying a very profound connection over the past 20 months, and it is taking me into deeper realms than those I have been able to go before. It is beautiful, challenging and a real support to my ongoing liberation and awareness of what truly helps us all to live real love. 

 
It requires all of us to have an in depth self knowledge to start with  - I speak this to communicate loudly that this workshop is a wonderful place for single people to come and explore their relationship and soul life, as much as it is for couples. For single people this workshop is a good time to review your past relationship history.  To look at what you couldn’t get over and where forgiveness might be needed and some deeper self awareness may be asked for, so you don’t just continue to bring the same defence structures and habits into whatever new relationship you might come into.
 
What we don’t clean up in our family of origin will directly impact in whatever happens in our relationships and lastly there is of course the relationship with yourself and with God. That is actually your primary relationship and whatever goes on in your intimate relationship is always a reflection of what is going on in that primary relationship with God, but mostly this is unconscious. Bringing into the light and inquiring into the state of that relationship brings a whole new awareness into how to liberate our inter-personal connections.

She said she would like to get together again as friends and he said okay, and then she hesitated and said let’s just not know how it will turn out. He left thinking there was no chance of anything developing further and the next day realized how much he enjoyed the rapport.

Our friend is looking to meet someone who is interested in a long term relationship.  That’s what he wants.  It may not come in the package or sequence he imagines.

He said to himself. This is a red flag. This is the early warning signal. Just forget it. He sent back a cordial note and said “got your message, yes, MAYBE we can meet next week. Sorry it didn’t work out.” What he really wanted to say was “something came up? No specifics? No details? No real sense of her REALLY wanting to get together?” He wondered, “did she have second thoughts? was she interested, but afraid of getting hurt again? Did an old boyfriend show up after begin absent for two years,” he wondered.

He spoke to a woman friend about this. She said “you’re reading too much into it. You have too much time on your hands, so you make this too important. You have no idea where she’s at.”

She said “send her an email and say ‘I have a bit more time to response now, so I wanted to get back to you. Following up on our perhaps and maybes, I’d would like to get together next week.’”

His friend, a high-powered business woman, said “why don’t you be a man? In business, every word counts. But, in relationships, it’s a bit different,” she admitted.

His friend further said that “men always think that they’re the center of the universe. They talk on and on about THEIR lives, but don’t show much interest in the woman’s life. Maybe she’s just got a really busy life and that’s how she communicates to lots of people.”

He said “I see your point.” But he still felt rejected. It’s so hard to come to an understanding or another’s motivations, especially if we have been hurt. How would you respond to this situation? How will he?

Let’s see if he calls her back.

More on this drama when next we hear from him.

Brown suggests, very simply, that when you get up to the checkout counter, instead of being in your thoughts you ask the checkout person “how are you today?” Say it as though you recognize that they have a precious human life. And then when they are done ringing you up, you say “thank you for taking care of me.”

Depending on how you were raised, this may be natural to you already. But for those like myself, this has been a revelation. It has made me realize that I want to slow down and connect with people to a greater degree than I do now. Brown has given a wonderfully simple framework for achieving that goal.

I have practicing this for the last several days. Not only do I feel like something new has emerged in my relation to the world around me, but the people that I acknowledge seem to really light up.

Give this a try and let us know how it goes for you.