1. This is the best movie of the year.

2. This is one of the best comic book movies every made.

3. Heath Ledger deserves to win an Oscar for his performance.

4. The movie is intense, suspenseful, dramatic, gut-wrenching, brutal, funny, exciting, and an absolutely masteful work of art.

5. The run time is around 2 hours 40 minutes, but this feels like a 90 minute movie.

6. Maggie Gyllenhaal does a very fine job replacing Katie Holmes.

7. Christian Bale’s “Batman voice” is really annoying.

Feel free to mix and match those items to construct your own The Dark Knight review.

Many thanks to Justin for getting me into a late night screening of the flick.

I was giddy when I heard Bruce Timm, producer of the fantastic Batman: The Animated Series, was doing a new full-length Batman movie, and I was over the moon when I heard the movie was going to be done in Japanese anime style.

Unfortunately, the movie is a mixed bag.

Batman: Gotham Knight isn’t actually a feature-length film: It is a series of short stories loosely tied together to form a larger story arc. I found half the stories to be well done and interesting, and the other half … weren’t.

In a strange move, they decided to have each story done in a completely different art style, though they are all very anime. The result is that Batman looks different in each story, making it difficult to get into the different stories. This multiple art style trick worked all right in The Animatrix, where there was virtually no overlap between the different stories, but here, where the stories are supposed to be connected, the use of different styles diminishes the impact of the various stories. And quite frankly, some of the Batmen look really bad.

The first Batman is about 15 pounds overweight, the third looks ridiculous, and the art in the forth is all-around terrible.

In its defense, Batman: Gotham Knight features the voice work of the magnificent Kevin Conroy, who provided the voice for Batman in The Animated Series, Batman Beyond, and The Justice League. To me, his voice is as much Batman’s as Peter Cullen’s voice is Optimus Prime’s.

I’ll also say this, the last story is by far the best, and very fullfilling on its own. Titled “Deadshot,” the story revolves around the notorious assassin Deadshot coming to Gotham to spill some blood, and the inevitable face off between him and the Batman. The characters are spot on, the story is interesting, the animation is great, and it is full of action. Honestly, if the whole film was like this the movie would have been a home-run.

I feel like mentioning, too, that the stories here are clearly in the Nolan Batman Begins universe, and not the Bruce Timm animated universe, though they jump through some hoops to try and obscure that (for reasons I can only guess). I’m not surprised they did that, but it’s not really used all that effectively.

Well, I think I’ve found a pretty nice solution:

Yup, that’s right, one of those Pentel Clic Erasers.

Here’s how it works:

Step 1: Get nasty keyboard.

For reference, here’s my dirty MacBook keyboard. Note how bad the O and P keys look.

Step 2: Erase the dirt right off a key.

See the difference between the O and the P now. It looks unreal, but trust me, it’s not, and it took a whole 4 seconds to do.

Step 3: Repeat with all keys.

This is the after picture. The whole thing takes maybe a minute or two to do.

Step 4: Turn the keyboard upside down and spray it with some compressed air to get rid of any remaining eraser shavings.

That’s it.

This would probably work with any eraser, but the nice thing about the Clic Erasers are that they’re small enough to get the keyboard surface between the keys, if you’re hella OCD like I am.

The only concern you might have is that, somehow, eraser shavings might get under the keys or something. Honestly, I’m not sure, given the geometry involved, that it’s even possible for any shavings to wiggle their way down there, and I’ve cleaned two keyboards this way (MacBook and desktop keyboard) with absolutely no problems. Besides, it seems a lot safer than cleaning with any kind of liquid.

Have fun erasing your way to a cleaner keyboard (it’s minutes of entertainment)!

“The pigs in a blanket are not terrible,” noted Thor, finishing off the last of his mouthful.

“Have you tried the mini-quiches?” asked Jeff from accounting. “They have these spinach ones that have crushed pepper in there. It’s like a great explosion of flavor in your mouth.”

“Flavor explosion? There is no greater flavor explosion than the one you get from tearing magic flying goat flesh from magic flying goat bone. It’s especially potent if the magic flying goat is still alive when you eat it.”

“That’s terrible,” cried Jeff from accounting.

“It’s fine. They’re used to it by now.”

Jeff from accounting struggled not to vomit.

“So, ummm, you’re here with your ‘friend’?” Jeff from accounting asked.

“Yes. That’s right. I’m here with my friend and Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader of the Galactic Empire. He helped me pick out my tie. Isn’t it nice?”

Thor held up his paisley tie for Jeff from accounting to admire, which he did, because, really, it was indeed quite a nice tie.

“He said it makes the color in my eyes pop,” added Thor.

“How long have you guys been ‘friends’?” asked Jeff from accounting.

“Four months. We met at a bar in an Outback Steakhouse. He complimented me on the cut of my cape.”

“And do you guys live together? Or is it too soon for that? I don’t know how the timing usually goes for ‘friends’ to move in together.”

“Move in together? What are you babbling about, mortal? And why do you keep doing those little air quote things every time you call us friends?”

“Well,” said Jeff from accounting, “you two are… I mean, I just assumed that you two were, you know, ‘together.’ Gay.”

The collision between Jeff from accounting’s face and Thor’s mighty fist sent a deafening thunderclap through the room, following almost immediately by the equally thunderous sound of Jeff from accounting’s body smashing into the wall on the other side of the room, and then subsequently the wall on the other side of the room behind that one. After that, the room was dead silent, save for the whimpers coming from what remained of Jeff from accounting’s mouth.

Darth Vader, wearing a tie to match Thor’s and carrying a large salt-rimmed margarita, approached Thor. “PURR-AAAH… why did you punch Jeff in the face?” asked The Dark Lord of the Sith.

“He angered me!” shouted Thor. “He made an outrageous suggestion. Truly outrageous!”

“Was it about your tie? … PURR-AAAH…”

“He suggested that you an I are engaged in a homosexual relationship.”

“PURR-AAAH…”

“Well?” Thor insisted.

“Well… PURR-AAAH… it’s just a bro-mance.”

“What the hell is a bro-mance? Is it gay?”

“No, no, it’s totally not gay… PURR-AAAH… It’s just when two guys hang out and become really close and develop a deep emotional and spiritual bond.”

“That sounds gay,” said Thor.

“PURR-AAAH… No, it’s totally cool, man. There’s nothing gay about it. It’s not like we’re snuggling together on the couch on a Friday night watching Entourage. I mean, unless you want to do that…”

“I do not.”

“Yeah… PURR-AAAH… me neither.”

“Vader…” Thor began.

“Please, Thor, I told you to call me Ani.”

“Riiiiiiggggghhhhtttt… I think we should maybe not hang out anymore.”

Vader lurched forward, hands open in front of him, his head titled back in agony, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he cried out.

“Agree to disagree,” was Thor’s reply.

“You shouldn’t pay credence to Jeff,” implored Vader. “His perception is clouded by his feelings. It happens to him all the time. Once he saw a bobcat and thought it was a mountain lion and he totally freaked out, but we were like, ‘hey, that’s not a mountain lion’ and then he realized his mistake and then we all laughed about it over drinks.”

“I’m just not sure I’m comfortable hanging out with you anymore. Sure, it was nice going to hockey games and cape shopping and working together to thwart Dr. Doom’s diabolic plan to build a weather machine…”

“PURR-AAAH… Yes, I liked spending time with you, too.”

“I’m just trying to look out for my ass here. I’m simply very protective of my butt-hole. It’s nothing personal.” It should be noted that this was actually one of the least offensive things Thor had said that night, falling far short of the “Why are you so goddamn fat? Learn to use a treadmill!” he had yelled at the pregnant lady in the wheelchair for whom this particular event was honoring.

“But what about our trip to Lake Tahoe? I wanted you to meet my son, the Jedi. Together we would complete his training…PURR-AAAH… and go fishing.”

“I’m sorry Vader…”

“Ani.”

“Whatever. I’m leaving.”

“Don’t go Thor… PURR-AAAH… Don’t be like that.”

But Thor was gone.

Darth Vader stood alone in the center of the room. A lone tear drop rolled down the front of his mask, culminating in a tiny droplet, which fell, gently, to the ground.

However, Vader was not alone for long: the Morgolax came up beside him with a plate of hors d’oeuvres in his claws.

“The Morgolax finds the lack of shrimp cocktails disturbing,” it muttered to itself upon reaching Darth Vader.

Vader turned and leaned in close to the Morgolax.

“Hey… PURR-AAAH… how’s it going?” said The Dark Lord of the Sith with a sly bend in his voice.

1. Cloverfield

I’m the only person I know who loved this movie as much as I did.

The previous sentence is basically a metaphor for my entire life.

2. Control

A very well reviewed movie about the life of Joy Division front-man Ian Curtis. I’ve been dying to see this movie since I first heard about it. Woot!

3. The Golden Compass

A couple weeks ago I caught most of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe on TV and I was really impressed by the CGI animals. I mean, those beavers looked totally believable. So I figured if they could make beavers work then polar bears wearing armor would be that much more awesome. Plus I guess James Bond is in it.

4. Teeth

Speaking of beavers, Teeth is a movie about a chick who has fangs… in her pachinko! That is to say, this is THE MOST TERRIFYING MOVIE EVER MADE!!!

5. The Call of Cthulhu

Get this: since the original H.P. Lovecraft story was written in the 1920s, this movie pretends to be from the 1920s as well. In other words, this is a silent film shot in black and white. I think the novelty is reason enough to watch it, but I hear Cthulhu actually shows up in the end and looks pretty badass.

6. Boarding Gate

I’m going to level with you: I don’t know shit about this movie, but the picture shows Asia Argento in her underwear, in heels, with a gun, and Asia Argento has a solid track record of pulling out one or more of her titties during the course of a film. That is why this is in my queue.

7. Batman Gotham Knight

Bruce Timm produced anime-style Batman? Yeah, ok, I’m there.

8. P2

I’m a sucker for low-concept horror flicks. I mean, I loved Panic Room and dug Red Eye, and P2 looks at least as low-concept as those two. Actually, I read somewhere that P2 is pretty good. We’ll see.

9. Black Sheep

Watch the trailer.

Now you know.

10. P.S. I Love You

What is this doing in my queue? How did that get there? Someone demonstrably less manly and awesome must have hacked into my Netflix account and then added P.S. I Love You to my queue. And then moved it up to the number ten spot, in what appears to be a well crafted attempt to balance out the back-to-back horror films that precede it. Don’t ya just hate it when that happens?

If you’ve seen one of these movies and it was appalling, or if you think there’s another movie out there that must be seen before any of these, please let me know.

For those of you that aren’t as smart or as handsome as I am, let me explain how the G-ness of the iPhone 3G is important. First, you must realize that the original iPhone was merely 2G, and that 2Gs sucks. That’s why the original iPhone is simply called “iPhone” and not “iPhone 2G.” You see, anything less than 3Gs are simply not worth mentioning. In fact, we’re all probably better off just pretending the 2G iPhone never even happened. Sort of like how we pretend The Muppet Movie never happened. I mean, seriously, does anyone even remember what the plot to that movie was? Ten bucks says you’re actually thinking of The Great Muppet Caper. That was the one with Charles Grodin in it. Personally, I prefer The Muppets Take Manhattan, but there’s no analogy to be made between it and the iPhone.

Second, that extra G allows Internet stuff to be faster. I haven’t reviewed all the technical documentation yet, but I think that third G refers to a third invisible flying gnome, who, cooperatively with the two other invisible flying gnomes that came with the original iPhone, will retrieve Internet stuff for you quicker. They sort of works like Gwildor from the Masters of the Universe movie, except without the ill-explained musical tone-making device that apparently he could only create two of and gave one to Skeletor so he could take over Castle Grayskull.

Now, what most commentators fail to mention is that the iPhone 3G is actually a grossly mislabeled product. For you see, not only does the iPhone 3G feature an additional G added to the original’s 2G, but it also features GPS. That’s right, folks … with the new iPhone you get a total of 4Gs. FOUR frakking Gs, people! You simply cannot get more G-ed out than that.

You would think that doubling the number of Gs in the iPhone would do something like double the price of the phone, but that’s because you’re not me, and therefore not a super good-looking genius. Defying logic — and a few of God’s natural laws — Steve Jobs has actually lowered the price of the iPhone from $599 (at it’s inflated introductory price a year ago) to $199! How is such a thing possible? Well, obviously Apple’s been ripping us all off. I’ve consulted all the usual Apple apologist websites, and not even they could come up with an excuse for Apple here.

Some people have looked into the issue of pricing more closing, and have determined that while Apple has reduced the price of the iPhone (now with 3 or possibly 4 Gs), those douchebags at AT&T have raised their rates on the plans available for the iPhone 3G. Instead of paying an embarrassing $60 for a basic plan with data and voice and SMS, you now must pay $15 a month more for the exact same plan. However, these people fail to do proper math. Let’s review, that’s only $7.50 per G. Apple is giving you a bulk discount on G’s. Warren G couldn’t even get you a better discount on G’s. And, yeah, sure, as Apple’s market share increases it becomes increasingly likely that AT&T will also raise their rates, thereby inevitably screwing over everyone who has an iPhone, regardless of how many G’s they have, but the iPhone 3G now comes in black! So you’ll totally be able to tell how G-ed up an iPhone is just by looking at it, and you can therefore laugh and people of an inferior G-standing.

So in conclusion, the new iPhone 3G is G-tastic!

How can he possibly be “silent” when he’s carrying all that shit around?

The toy is either completely ridiculous or poop-your-pants awesome, depending on how you feel about excessive accessorization. I’m not a girl, so, yeah, it looks totally ridiculous. I was going to leave a comment myself, but nothing I could say is as funny (or insightful) as that.

The actual post and some of the other comments are pretty funny too. Someone even brings up Rob Liefeld, who for comic book fans demands laughter and ridicule and punching in the nuts. Awesome.

“What is Thor doing at the Olive Garden?” asked the Morgolax, quite perplexed.

Thor approached the Morgolax’s table with his usual swagger.

“Oh, Morgolax, funny seeing you here. I’m here for a hot date,” said Thor with a remarkably fake smile.

“The Morgolax is here for a hot date, too.”

“You don’t say.”

“The Morgolax does say.” The Morgolax paused for a moment, possibly as a result of his heightened demonic senses detecting an odd aura about Thor, or maybe because it knew Thor was kind of a dick and therefore probably up to no good, and then asked, “What is Thor’s hot date’s name?”

Thor’s smile broadened, devilishly.

“Jenny!” Thor gleefully called out as Jenny, an exquisite blonde beauty, rounded the corner on her way to the Morgolax’s table.

“Hi, Thor,” she said, very much surprised to see Thor standing there. “I thought our date was for tomorrow night.”

“Oh, it is, but I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I’d stop in for a quick bite. I had no idea you’d be here. No idea at all.”

“Well, I’m actually sort of here with my friend, the Morgolax.”

Thor pulled out a chair across from the Morgolax and immediately slid onto it.

“Why, yes, I’d love to join you,” said Thor.

The Morgolax’s tentacles fluttered with indignation.

Jenny sat down on the side of the table between Thor and the Morgolax.

“Do you two know each other?” she asked.

“No,” replied Thor.

“The Morgolax is meeting Thor for the first time,” added the Morgolax.

“Riiiiiiiggggghhhhhhtttttt,” she replied.

“Did Jenny’s visit to the bathroom go OK?” asked the Morgolax with absolute sincerity.

“Oh my gosh, there was this woman in the bathroom who had the cutest little dog stuffed into her purse. It was so adorable. It just melted my heart.”

“The Morgolax is a cat person,” said the Morgolax, “because puppies like to chew on the Morgolax’s tentacles.”

“Awww…” she bemoaned girlishly.

“I like pussy too,” Thor interjected.

“What?” Jenny asked, fortunately not completely hearing what Thor had said.

“I’m a pet owner myself,” Thor continued.

“Really?” said Jenny.

“Yes. I have two magic flying goats, Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr. They faithfully drive my magic golden chariot.”

“Wow,” Jenny’s eye’s lit up. “Not a lot of people with pet goats these days.”

“I know. Fortune smiles upon me, though,” Thor said proudly, “for when I get hungry I need only slaughter them and feast on their meat and bones. You know, when an Olive Garden isn’t close by.”

Jenny’s face went flush with horror and disgust.

“That’s horrible,” she cried out uncontrollably.

“Nah, it’s cool,” Thor reassured her, “they don’t mind. I mean, yeah, they scream in pain and terror when I do it, but I just resurrect them the next day with my awesome magic hammer and it’s all good. I’ve done it, like, a hundred times; they’re used to it.”

“I’m a vegetarian,” asserted Jenny.

“The Morgolax is also a vegetarian,” the Morgolax quickly added.

“Really?” said Thor. “I think I read in the Forbidden Scrolls of the Ru N’dah that you ate baby brains.”

“No,” the Morgolax furiously countered. “The Forbidden Scrolls of the Ru N’dah were mistranslated.”

The Morgolax turned to Jenny, gently touching its chest where its heart would be if the Morgolax had a normal human heart (the Morgolax does not).

“I like zucchini,” the Morgolax said softly.

Jenny’s heart melted, her demeanor softened, and she relaxed, finding comfort in their mutual vegetarianism.

“You know what zucchini reminds me of?” said Thor, raising an eyebrow and allowing for a dramatic pause. “My impressive pectoral muscles.”

Thor then proceeded to flex his chest muscles, causing them to bounce up and down, rhythmically, hypnotically drawing Jenny in, locking her eyes on his jiggling man-god-boobs.

Suddenly, Jenny’s cell phone rang, breaking her trance with an unnecessary, though welcome, Carrie Underwood ringtone. She pulled the phone out of her purse and checked the screen.

“It’s my sister. I’ve got to take this,” she said, getting up from the table. She headed towards the door to take the phone call outside, like an decent person getting a cell phone call in a restaurant would do, and leaving Thor and the Morgolax alone together.

“Why is Thor such a cock-block?!” the Morgolax demanded to know.

“I saw her first. She is mine, guy-slimey.”

“Thor’s random reference to a Seasame Street character as a play on the Morgolax’s appearance is lame, and the Morgolax met Jenny last Thursday at the park.”

“I met her on Wednesday at the coffee shop.”

“Thor lies!”

“Your face lies.”

“The Morgolax warns: if it is war Thor wants, it is war that Thor shall get.”

“Yeah, well, good luck winning the war with a piece of bruschetta stuck in your tentacles.”

“Meep!” The Morgolax grabbed its napkin and covered its face as it felt for the remnant of his bruschetta appetizer stuck under one of its face-tentacles.

Jenny returned from her phone call. The Morgolax tossed down its napkin and rose to greet her. It reached for her chair, but Thor was already on it like lightning.

“Here, let me,” said Thor with a smile.

“No, let the Morgolax,” the Morgolax said, grabbing hold of the chair.

The two struggled for a bit, until Thor wrested the chair away and allowed Jenny to be seated.

“Are you sure you guys don’t know each other?” Jenny asked, very, very suspicious.

Yes,” both suitors replied as they took their seats.

“Thor was just telling the Morgolax about his son…”

“Oh, you have a son?” Jenny asked Thor.

“Yes, yes, little Magni,” said Thor with great affection.

“Please remind the Morgolax: is Magni’s mother the wife Thor married in Vegas and then divorced, the wife Thor called the wrong name their wedding and then divorced, or the wife Thor turned into a lesbian and then divorced? The Morgolax forgets.”

A spark of lightning flickered across Thor’s furious brow. His eye’s narrowed, burning with rage, focusing squarely on his adversary.

“Ummm… how many times have you been married, Thor?” Jenny asked.

“A couple,” Thor replied decisively.

The Morgolax’s tentacles fluttered with delight.

“Morgolax,” said Thor, “why don’t you tell Jenny that really funny story you told me about that one time you accidentally locked yourself into an entertainment cabinet while your apartment was being robbed. That was a hoot!”

The Morgolax’s talon dug deep into the Olive Garden’s table.

“How do you lock yourself into an entertainment cabinet?” Jenny asked the Morgolax.

“The Morgolax has a question: has Thor ever been trapped in a pair of Thor’s own leather pants?” the Morgolax asked.

“Have you ever been caught pretending to own a Porsche made of cardboard boxes?” said Thor.

“Has Thor ever been ordered to take anger management classes because Thor got into an altercation with Thor’s boss over a sandwich?” said the Morgolax.

“You look familiar, Morgolax, have you ever been in an advertisement for gonorrhea?” countered Thor.

“It was VD!” cried the Morgolax.

“Say what now?” Jenny muttered, to the attention of no one.

“Has Thor ever lived with a monkey?” the Morgolax yelled.

“Have you ever been Al Pachino’s butt double?” Thor shot back.

“Yes, it was around the time Thor cheated on Thor’s girlfriend with the girl at the copy place.”

“We were on a break!” Thor thundered, raising his mighty hammer to strike.

The Morgolax left to its feet, talon fully outstretched to attack.

They then noticed that Jenny’s seat was completely empty, her things nowhere to be found. She was long gone.

“Oops,” said the Morgolax.

“Bummer,” added Thor.

They sat down, defeated.

“When does Thor think we lost Jenny?” the Morgolax asked.

“Probably around gonorrhea,” Thor posited.

“Too bad, the Morgolax was totally hoping to get laid.”

“I hear that.”

The Morgolax sighed. Thor put aside his hammer and reached over to pick up Jenny’s menu.

“Hey, you want to go halfsies on a ‘tour of Italy’?” Thor asked.

“Yes, the Morgolax would.”

Certain instruments used in veterinary surgery can be made either of stainless steel or nylon. In a study of such instruments, 50 complete sterilizations of a set of nylon instruments required 3.4 times the amount of energy used to manufacture that set of instruments, whereas 50 complete sterilizations of a set of stainless steel instruments requires 2.1 times the amount of energy required to manufacture that set of instruments.

If the statements above are true, each of the following could be true EXCEPT:

1. The 50 complete sterilizations of the nylon instruments used more energy than did the 50 complete sterilizations of the stainless steel instruments.
2. More energy was required for each complete sterilization of the nylon instruments than was required to maufacture the nylon instruments.
3. More nylon instruments than stainless steel instruments were sterilized in the study.
4. More energy was used to produce the stainless steel instruments than was used to produce the nylon instruments.
5. The total cost of 50 complete sterilizations of the stainless steel instruments was greater than the cost of manufacturing the stainless steel instruments.

Hint: the answer is painfully obvious if your brains aren’t melted (mine, apparently, are).