Equuality

Learning to Cultivate the Seeds of Change (Rather than Trying to Explode Everything with Our Minds)

2011-03-09T11:50:13-08:00

Do you ever have trouble getting caught up in needing to make something happen right now, or feeling like you'll be failing if something doesn't get fixed this instant? Then, it seems like no matter what you do things go badly from there?

I do. All. The. Time.

I think this is one of the great challenges of the human condition. While we are very good at seeing cause and effect (which is what makes us worry so much about what we're doing in the moment), we tend to not be very skilled at comprehending the time and process that bridge the two. In our mind, we seem to jump straight from the cause to the effect, even when there was a process of unfolding separating the two.

Explosive Thinking

I often characterize this pattern as explosive thinking. When we act, we expect the effect of that action to not only be big (like an explosion), but also fully manifest right now (also like an explosion).

Sometimes this kind of quick change is good - there is a need for Yin and Yang to rebalance quickly. However, constantly expecting quick results is not only unrealistic, it can also be harmful. Remember, everything in moderation.

Seeds for Thought

Recent, on the recommendation of a good friend, I picked up the book How Yoga Works. Expecting to find a "normal" self-help Yoga book, I was quite pleasantly surprised to find a rich narrative that presents the full depth of Yoga philosophy in a way that is engaging and amazingly easy to understand.

One of the central concepts presented is that every action we take, ever word we speak, every thought we think, plants a seed that will come to fruition over time. Sometimes these seeds sprout when we would expect them to and we understand the link between the planting and the effect.

However, at other times the seeds unfurl in the midst of seemingly unrelated circumstances, leading us to draw a false connection. Then, because we draw an association to the events of the moment, rather than the planting in the past, we learn to act in a way that is based on false fact. In the parlance of behavioral science, these behaviors are called "superstitious" because they are based a link between cause and effect that is merely coincidental.

So, how can we avoid becoming superstitious so that we can always act from a place of authenticity?

Seeing the Seeds for the Forest for the Trees

I remember being told in the early part of my horsemanship journey that I needed to learn to feel all four of the horses feet as I was riding and to know where each was at any time. This seemed like an impossible task. I honestly didn't even realize I could feel the horse moving (other than a vague up and down), let alone feel such detail.

However, I was determined, so for a while I tried very hard to feel each and every step. It was a disaster. I was distracted and frustrated and I wasn't feeling anything! So, I gave up.

Then, some time later, I began to play with communicating lateral movements to Koa and I had an epiphany: I could feel all four feet without even trying. Was it the conscious effort I had put in that lead to this skill? Certainly not. I'd quit on it, after all. It was simply the seed of the idea having finally grown into a tree of knowledge.

Just by reading these words, you have planted a seed in your mind. Eventually, in the timing that is perfect for you, that seed will grow up into a fine strong tree of understanding. You won't even need to try and discover the seeds of ideas. You will simply know, because you will have learned to pay attention. In the mean time, you can feel free to notice when you do draw the connection between an idea and its seed, and be happy in that understanding.

The Two Second Rule

Sometimes you will wonder when to give up, when to assume you've waited long enough and its just not going to happen. In answer, I'd like to offer the advice a friend of mine, Dawn Wescott, gives her students:

People often ask the question, 'How long should it take before the horse should do this or that' and my answer is usually, 'About 2 seconds after your patience has run out'.

While Dawn is speaking directly to horsemanship, I think the Two Second Rule is a wonderful tool for all areas of our life, especially if we can extend those two seconds indefinitely.

Guest Post: Lessons of Love and Marriage Learned from Horses

2010-10-28T13:02:47-07:00

Note: Today we take a brief interlude form Yin/Yang theory to enjoy an exclusive guest post from Mary Anne Campbell at the National School of Academic Equation.

So, Les Kiger nee Kiger asked me a while back to write a piece on how working with horses integrates with life. And then Les married the girl of his dreams, and that brought a very specific topic to mind.

My husband and I are both horsemen, and we've noticed this last couple of years a resonance with the bonds of marriage and the bonds of the horse and rider. In marriage and in riding, each has to work with another being – and we also have to work with the instinctive personal flight response – to sort through to create together a relationship that is a joy for both animals in the relationship. In riding, it's fairly simple: horses come from a matriarchal culture, where leadership is always a shared task. In relationships with people, we westerners come from a patriarchal culture where submission to a shared path is not always an easy choice. Each person in a good marriage is at once the changer and the changed. There are all sorts of analogies in the two relationships.

The wild horse is alien to the human animal. Working together we must come to share a common language, a common trust- if we are to begin to harmonize together, each animal's experience depends on creating a common language.

My husband and I are different people. In our marriage, we constantly encounter in the other ways of thinking that are alien to our own. To work together, we must develop a common language and a common trust—what is at stake is the balance of our lives.

The first thing we look to in training a horse is the acceptance of restraint. The horse must be clear that when a human constrains him with a rope, a halter, a hand, he will find release through relaxing rather than through fighting. The trainer teaches this by gently introducing, then sensitively applying the restraint, making sure to pause in the process where the horse is challenged but not pressed to the limit by their reaction, and to permit the horse to sort it out. By being consistently understanding, gentle, trustworthy and honorable in the interaction, we teach the horse that restraint in itself is not evil. The horse learns that there are benefits to being partnered with another being; that their partner is listening, knows that they are there, and counts their soul as equal to his own.

The first obstacle a husband and wife typically encounter in a marriage, in one form or another, is that we have to accept restraint.

In our modern world we are increasingly immersed in a culture that values life without restraint. Avoiding perceptions about the parched, desiccated lives of our ancestors, we permit ourselves to be guided by the inner voice—but we do not have the training to distinguish which is inner self and which is simply ego. It is romantic to think that we always know what is right for ourselves. There are times that what is difficult, what takes discipline, is the doorway to a much higher level of being.

Horses spook at differences in their environment. They instinctively run, or fight. Humans spook at differences too—we distance ourselves, or attack. For the human being who will interact with another, being able to recognize our instinctive fear response when something is "just not right" and slow down, examine, take in…that is the gift of marriage. You have to learn to recognize that there will be differences that are not necessarily life threatening, but that point to differences you'll FEEL are life threatening.

What is at risk for the horse is his body, whereas what is at risk for the human is our sense of self, our sense of what is right, what is "so". Human beings do not have claws, teeth, speed or strength. What we do have is cultural armoring or "norms" that keep us safe from the world. Our significant others are inside our defenses, when they challenge those norms, they pierce our armor. We become afraid, and frightened animals are dangerous. The other side of the face of fear is anger. When we're angry, what we need to identify is what we are afraid of.

For instance, a couple that I know had a serious problem because the wife wanted the shower curtain left open to encourage air circulation. The husband assumed she meant "open" as in, "make an opening by drawing back the curtain". She meant "open" as in "unfold the curtain all the way". The husband, wanting to please her, would carefully pull the shower curtain all the way over so that the tub and shower were fully open to dry. The wife, for months, finding the curtain closed on itself, felt angry and hurt and ignored. Each was threatened by the other's baffling response.

A good trainer takes the time to instill in the horse a willingness to pause and consider frightening things, to trust the human partner enough to observe the danger without acting on the first instinctive response. Difficult situations well handled build a bond for horse and rider. Badly handled they destroy the relationship.

A good husband or wife doesn't train his or her partner, but trains in his or herself the same willingness to pause and consider, to feel fear, anger, shame, outrage…and to approach the problem as an opportunity to grow closer rather than a reason to let fly. Difficult situations well handled build a bond for husband and wife. Poorly handled, they threaten the relationship—but… the nice thing about human beings is that we can repeatedly return to a difficult situation and reframe it, retell it, try again.

Just as in riding, harmony is cherished, but the resistances are where the growth lies, they hold the promise of the most growth and change. Avoiding or resisting those places that chafe is natural, but it deprives you of the gifts that real surrender brings.

Shakespeare said, "We could be bounded in a nutshell and count ourselves kings of infinite space." The restraint of interacting with another being, the acceptance of that restraint, the personal relationship to confinement, is at the core of marriage and it is also at the core of horsemanship. Both offer release. Yet both culturally and instinctively—we tend to think freedom and personal expression are achieved only in a boundless, bondless, state. For both horses and human beings, learning where the real restraints exist—in our personal limitations—is where real freedom exists.

The discipline of interacting honestly with another being, whether it's a horse or a human partner, brings out in high relief the inner fears that keep us invisibly constrained regardless of the wideness of our horizons. And in both relationships, the harmony of two distinct beings creates a new potential, a relationship that gives the potential of something so much more than any of the individuals alone.

Congratulations, and all my love to you both, Les and Kali.

Guest author Mary Anne Campbell and her husband Craig Stevens run the National School of Academic Equitation where they teach historically grounded Dressage in the French Classical style (read: nothing like the tug of war in modern dressage). I have had the pleasure to study with them and become their friends and I would encourage anyone to do the same. If you would like to find out more about their program, you can visit their website at http://classical-equiatation.com or email nsae (at) classical-equitation.com.

Yin/Yang Theory and Horsemanship Part 6: Balanced Transformation

2010-10-26T07:45:34-07:00

Note: this is part six of the Yin/Yang Theory and Horsemanship Series. Click here for part 1: complimentary opposites, here for part 2: all things yin and yang, here for part 3: infinite divisibility, here for part 4: mutual creation, or here for part 5: rubber band control

The fifth and final principle of Yin/Yang theory that we will explore states that Yin and Yang transform into each other.

Transformation is an ever-present aspect of the natural world. Summer(Yang) becomes Winter(Yin) before warming again. Day(Yang) becomes night(Yin) before returning with light. Water flows through rivers to the low sea(Yin), then evaporates and becomes part of the high clouds(Yang) before falling as rain or snow and moving towards the ocean again.

Similarly, Yin/Yang transformations occur constantly as we spend time with our horses. On a daily basis we meet them on foot(Yin), become the rider(Yang) and then return to the ground (Yin). On a larger scale, we come to the horse with no knowledge(Yin), think for a time we understand everything about the horse(Yang) and then realize the more we learn, the more we have to learn(Yin). These are just two of the infinite number of examples of transformation we can derive using Yin/Yang theory.

Transformation occurs when there is an imbalance: when the one side of the Yin/Yang continuum moves towards or away from the other and stretches or compresses the space in between. These imbalances are the rule, not the exception. Even in the most stable of systems, Yin and Yang aspects fluctuate constantly.

A Yin/Yang Theory of Transformation

A change that creates more distance between the Yin and Yang aspects is the Yang part of the cycle of transformation; the movement away from balance. Think of the horse when he lifts a foot to take a step. He has moved away from the Yin equilibrium of all four feed on the ground to more Yang, slightly imbalanced position.

The Yin portion of the cycle of transformation is a movement returning to balance. This transformation can happen one of two ways: with fluidity and harmony or with shock and rupture. If our horse is allowed to return his foot the ground on his own, he will likely move it in harmony, with a smooth calmness.

However, if the three-footed imbalance exists over a prolonged period of time, as when a farrier holds a nervous horse's foot to high for too long, the change will be dramatic and disharmonious as the horse rears or kicks in the attempt to return to balance.

Eruptive Transformation

When we desire to make a change in our relationship with our horse, it is important to be away of how our actions will influence the kind of transformation that occurs. Usually, we don't want to unwittingly create a sudden, cataclysmic change that could be dangerous for either us or our horses.

Unfortunately, may people get caught off guard by these kind of events because they have not been paying attention to the Yin/Yang balance. Consider the rider that takes their horse to show. He becomes nervous in the new situation and the rider gets fearful. Instead of focusing on returning to balance, they put increasing pressure on the horse to try and keep them under control. Finally, the horse has become so upset(an excess of Yang) that in order to try and preserve his life and return to balance, he bucks and bolts without the ability to consider the safety of himself or his rider.

Balance in Transformation

To transform in a balanced way, it is usually necessary to prepare for the transformation by first strengthening an aspect that will support the change.

To return to the rubber band analogy from the previous essay, imagine first moving the Yin side of the band towards the Yang side, then moving the Yang side away from the Yin. In so doing, the balance point of the circle changes without ever creating a stretch in the band.

Lao Tzu describes this process beautifully in chapter 36 of the Tao-te Ching:

In order to contract, it is necessary first to expand.

In order to weaken, it is necessary to first strengthen.

In order to destroy, it is necessary to first promote.

In order to grasp, it is necessary to first give.

Characterize Your Change

Can you name some places where change has transformed you and your horse both its Yin, harmonious aspect and its Yang, disruptive aspect? Were there times you held on too tightly to a fixed position or attitude and ended up blocking the smooth river of metamorphosis, creating a violent flood of revolution? Or perhaps there were changes that happened dramatically that were positive? Please, share your thoughts in the comments.

Relationship Economies Explained

2010-07-26T07:32:17-07:00

Relationships are about interaction, and thus trade. Just as with commercial trade, relationship transactions can take many forms and characters. Let's examine three of the most common relationship economies that define the spectrum.

Credit Relationships

In a credit based relationship, the participants frame their interactions in terms of what is owed. One will do something for another with the thought that they will have earned a credit. The other now "owes" them something of equal or greater value.

This kind of thinking can take place at any level. In a business relationship, one might give goods or services to another, expecting an equal payback. In a personal relationship, one partner might do something for another expecting an equal favor in return. This kind of credit thinking even appears at the emotional level. Many people stay stuck in broken relationships because they think that if they can just create enough of a debt in the relationship that the other person will have to love them.

I have witnessed this same phenomenon in the horse world. There are those who think that if they give their horses enough love and tenderness, the horse will owe them that love and tenderness back. The problem I see with this kind of thinking is that it ends up as an attempt to put the responsibility for the relationship on the other.

If we try and organize the relationship around debt, it becomes easy for us to say that the other is not trying hard enough, or giving enough back. From there, it can be a slipper slope of blame that leads us to give up responsibility for our part in the relationship.

Barter Relationships

I view barter relationships as differing from credit relationships in that those involved only do something for each other if there is an agreement in place about what each will receive. Imagine the difference between mowing the lawn for someone in hopes they will take out the trash versus deciding that will be the arrangement before any chore is done.

Barter relationships can be easier to sustain than credit relationships because at their root they are organized around fairness. By definition, in every interaction each side is getting something of equal value.

Barter relationships can and do exist between horses and humans, even though the horse cannot speak to form a prearrangement. As we are defining the terms of the relationship, our barter thinking creates the quid pro quo structure. As we work with the horse, we begin to understand what is valuable to them. We can then structure what we do so that we give equal value to what we receive. For instance, we might view a twenty minute ride as equal to five minutes eating on the grass.

As I mentioned, this type of relationship is often easy to sustain. However, I think that there can be limits to this-for-that thinking. If everything is based on an equal trade, we can limit the ability of the relationship to fully grow and blossom. In order to truly flower, there has to be some way in which one member in the relationship can go above and beyond - give more than a simple trade - so that the relationship itself can grow to be larger than the simple sum of its parts.

Gift Relationships

"I have learned that to have a good friend is the purest of all God's gifts, for it is a love that has no exchange of payment" -Frances Farmer

By definition, a gift is something that require no repayment. In a gift based relationship, both parties give of themselves without asking for anything in return. The beautiful this is that, of course, both parties receive even more than they have given.

There is one simple question we can ask to tell if we are giving a gift or trying to create a debt: are we acting our of a need to get something for ourselves, or are we acting out of the simple desire to share something wonderful with another.

When we give a of ourselves as a gift, we are acting out of love. This love takes many forms. It can be the simple act of doing one's job with integrity, or the romantic force of true passion. No matter the form, love has an amazing attribute - it grows of itself, creating more love in an unending supply.

This infinite quality is what allows gift relationships to grow to be something more than their constituent pieces. Because both parties are giving freely of themselves, the universal power of intention can flow through them freely and without restriction. This power not only nourishes and empowers those beings involved, but gives life to the relationship itself, turning that relationship into an entity of energy that spreads even greater blessings.

I believe that the greatest gift we can give to another is to allow them to manifest their greatness by unabashedly expressing our own. This is how I try to view my relationships with my horses. I am not trying to train them to a discipline or mould them into what I think a horse should be. Rather, I am trying to explore with them what wonderful things we can create by having a space where we can be our best selves.

Weeding the Garden

Though I have described these archetypes as black and white, most relationships are actually a grey mixture of many different types of interactions.

I have begun to see the debt-based interactions as a toxic, low energy force, while those that are gift-based feel vibrant and full of the energy of Spirit. I have set my intention to weed out the dark corners of my relationships and plant in them the seeds of pure gift giving. In this way, I hope to cultivate a life that is a garden of light and love.

Yin/Yang Theory and Horsemanship Part 5: Rubber Band Control

2010-10-21T17:36:49-07:00

Note: this is part five of the Yin/Yang Theory and Horsemanship Series. Click here for part 1: complimentary opposites, here for part 2: all things yin and yang, here for part 3: infinite divisibility, or here for part 4: mutual creation

The fourth principle of Yin/Yang theory is that Yin and Yang control each other.

This is not control as we usually think of the word. It is not a matter of exerting dominance or subugating. Rather, it is a control born of reciprocal balance. In The Web That Has No Weaver, Ted Kaptchuk describes it this way:

If Yin is excessive, then Yang too will be weak. If the temperature is neither too hot nor too cold, then both aspects are mutually controlled and held in check. If it is too cold, then there is not enough yeah, and vice versa. Yin and Yang balance each other.

In many ways, this principle is an extension of the idea that Yin and Yang create each other. In that essay I shared a story from my friend Linda in which was able to educe more Yang in her horse by becoming more Yin herself; when she embraced the idea of accepting her horse Brumby as he was ("not exactly a forward horse, so to speak"), he was able to offer her the forward energy she wanted.

The Rubber Band Effect

To illustrate this principle for yourself, imagine a big rubber band. Mark one point on the circumference as Yin, and color it black. Mark the opposite point as Yang, and color it white. Now see that there is a full gradation of grays between the two.

Now, begin to imagine stretching the two points away from each other. As they get farther and farther notice two things:

1) The scale of gray tones between the two opposites stretches equally to fit the new distance. You cannot separate the Yin from the Yang as they are always connected by a full gradation of tones, nor can you make more of one or the other as the evenness of the gradation is always maintained no matter how far or quickly one side is moved.

2) There becomes an increasing amount of tension as Yin and Yang become more removed from one another. Not too long after you start pulling there comes a point where, were you to let go of one side, the rubber band would snap and cause a sharp pain as Yin and Yang returned to balance. On the other hand, it is possible to stretch just a bit, say moving the Yang slightly away, and then to ease the Yin towards the new center with no violent snap.

Harmonious Change

The rubber band analogy demonstrates quite elegantly the nature of control between Yin and Yang as reciprocal balance. In order to create peaceful, harmonious shifts in the balance, it is necessary to first come close and then move in the new direction.

This is literally what Linda did with Brumby when she decided to meet him where he was and accept what he offered. She became Yin enough that his Yin was drawn closer to hers, moving him in a Yang direction. Had she tried to pull farther from him, to get him going by being very Yang, all she would have done is to stretch the rubber band of their relationship until there was a mighty snap.

Rubber Band Lounging

One of the first things we teach our young charges in PonyPros is to move together with the horse in a kind of Lounging we call "Travel Together."

Essentially, horse and human move on the circle together and in so doing learn to feel each other's energy and seamlessly adjust to fit. When the horse is nervous or energetic and needs to move more one direction, the human follows, letting the circle flow straight for a moment. When the horse can soften a bit, the human takes in what they are giving, moving more tightly to the arc. This way, both horse and human learn to keep the connection in harmony.

When I'm first teaching this concept of give and take, I often tell students to imagine that their center is attached to the horse's center by a big rubber band. When they feel that band tighten they should follow the horse. When they feel it become slack, they should lead to retain contact. This has nothing to do with the rope and everything to do with the energetic connection between the two.

Seen from the perspective of this essay, "Traveling Together" is an exercise in learning to balance Yin and Yang with the horse. When the horse moves away, they become the Yang. If the human counters with Yang, pulling hard to keep the horse with them, the situation can become explosive. If the human becomes too Yin and lets the horse go, the connection will be lost. To retain harmony the human must become Yin in a Yang way following, but staying with the horse.

Time to Dance

When considered from this Yin/Yang perspective, control can be seen as a dance, rather than a fight. Instead of dictating from a fixed position, the effective leader make suggestions from a place of congruity. How do you dance this way in your life, with your horse?

Returning Home and Coalescing

2010-10-04T19:34:12-07:00

Hi friends! I'm finally getting settled in after the amazing rush that was our wedding and honeymoon. It's been a truly wonderful six weeks visiting new places and new friends as well as old places and fond acquaintances.

We ended up spending about three weeks of our time doing various horse related things: 10 days playing with rescue horses and trail riding in the Dominican Republic, a week trail riding with our horses here in Central Oregon, and a long weekend studying Mediterranean Horsemanship in Seattle.

If you want to know more about our travels, Kali has written some great posts over on the PonyPros blog about the wedding, the honeymoon trip, and one of our adventures here at home.

A lot of people were surprised by how much horse stuff we did on our "vacation." I myself was quite surprised. At first I resisted the idea. Then I realized: if I love what I'm doing, why not do it on vacation?

The great thing about the time off was that it gave me a chance to step back while still being engaged. I was able to store up some energy and then direct that energy wherever it seemed best, rather than feeling like I had to put it certain places.

The result is that I have been exploring a lot of really exciting avenues the last month and a half:

Kali and I have been developing a lot of our ideas around PonyPros and our Synchrony, Migration, and Play framework.
I've been writing on the concept of understanding our horsemanship as a Yoga practice. I have found a couple of fabulous locations for horsemanship/yoga retreats both here in Oregon and in the Dominican republic.
We've been working on a new style of horse video - inspirational, exciting, and full of feeling, rather than instructional or documentary.
With our friends at the NSAE we've been exploring different ways of thinking about the root of horsemanship that incorporate geometry, mythology, history, numerics, and metaphysics.
I been developing my vision for Equuality and what it really means to me as a social movement and putting those ideas down in writing so they can be shared.

The amazing thing is that all of these ideas, events, and practices are all swirling around with each other and seem to be coalescing in exciting ways.

What has you excited and inspired lately?

Yin/Yang Theory and Horsemanship Part 4: Mutual Creation

2010-10-18T13:50:15-07:00

Note: this is part four of the Yin/Yang Theory and Horsemanship Series. Click here for part 1: complimentary opposites, here for part 2: all things yin and yang, or here for part 3: infinite divisibility

The third principle of Yin/Yang theory is that Yin and Yang mutually create each other.

If we think back to what we've already discussed, we see this must be true. If the shade is Yin to the sun's Yang, then one must exist for the other to be present. Without the sun shining down on one side of the hill, the other side would not be in shadow. Without the darkness of the shadow, the sun would not seem bright.

This mutual creation is true in every Yin/Yang pair. If nothing were tall, how would we know shortness? If everything were soft, what would define hardness? If our energy were always high, how could we describe rest?

Creating our Opposite

Many times, our "problems" with our horses come out an imbalance in the Yin and Yang relationship between us and them.

Perhaps our horse is extremely Yang: pushing over us, making decisions without asking questions, etc. In this situation, perhaps we have been acting too Yin, not showing that we are a dependable and trustworthy leader. We might need to become more Yang (asserting more leadership) in order to create Yin in him (calm respect).

On the other side, what if our horse is very Yin: withdrawn, quiet, disengaged. If we get more Yang to try and force him, we will likely simply create more Yin in him. Instead, we can try becoming even more Yin than he is by taking things very slowly and giving him control of the timeline. This Yin energy from us will tend to draw out his latent Yang qualities.

Linda's Story

Recently, a friend shared a story with me about how she shifted her energy to create a change in her horse:

I got to practice that both Thursday & Friday with Brumby. I purposed in my mind that I would accept Brumby for who he is (not exactly a forward horse, so to speak) and enjoy whatever he would offer. I articulated that to my riding buddy on Thursday and to myself on Friday. Guess what? To my amazement and pleasure, Brumby offered to move out, led, gaited a lot, and was an almost letter perfect horse. Scrambled over rocky plateaus in the Badlands with 'nary a misstep...his bare feet tough as concrete. I am going to do this type of intentional thinking much more often.

Making the conscious decision to be pleased with whatever Brumby offered was essentially a move to being Yin rather than Yang in her relationship with her horse (Yang would have been deciding to demand more than he was giving). By using this Yin mindset, Yang was created in Brumby and he offered Linda much more energy and engagement than she expected.

The Power of Intention

As we saw in Linda's story, the shift between Yin and Yang does not have to be a big move. Often, it is as subtle as simply changing our intention. Had her intention been to force her horse to perform, he likely would have given even less than usual. Instead, her simple purpose in accepting her horse for who he was in that moment created an extremely powerful and rewarding change for both of them.

Go Forth and Create

As this article ends, we are making a shift in our relationship as author and reader. You have been Yin, taking in the Yang of the ideas in the words I have written. Now that Yin has created a Yang counterpart, the ability for you to go and play with these ideas in your own life.

In the next essay we'll explore in more detail the Yin and Yang not only create each other, but control each other. In the mean time, enjoy the balance of your relationships.

The Power of Connection and the Illusion of Control

2010-11-12T07:19:55-08:00

Where does connection start and end? How do we know when we can ask for what from our horses and expect a positive response? These are the kind of questions that have been rolling around in my head as my Mustang Koa and I have been doing a lot of play at liberty recently.

I used to think I was worried about controlling my horse. I knew the right thing and it was my job to show horses how to overcome their fears and understand people (by listening to me). If I "lost control" of the horse, I was failing at my job.

What I've begun to understand much more clearly over the last three years is that control is really a false paradigm, an illusion, and a misunderstanding on the part of the controller, the controlled, or both.

Breaking Down the Illusion of Control

The illusion of control tell us that one party must be strong and dictate behavior to another party who is weak and must comply without question. The more control you need, or the less controllable your horse seems, the stronger you must become. This seems "natural," so what's the illusion?

Control relies on communication: for another to do what we ask, they must clearly understand what we are asking of them. Communication relies on synchronization: if we are not in harmony, messages will not be understood clearly. The stronger a controller becomes and the weaker he tries to make that which he is trying to control, the bigger the gap he creates between the two.

Bigger gap means less harmony.

Less harmony means less clear communication.

Less clear communication means less responsiveness.

Thus, the more we try and control, the more our control breaks down.

Communication Through Harmonious Connection

When we review the process above, one thing quickly becomes clear: harmony is the key to successful communication. The more in synch we are, the clearer our messages are and the more rapid response is.

Additionally, harmonious connection allows for information to flow both ways. whereas control is a one-way street. This is where the real joy of relationship is: not in having a servant who does exactly as we say, but in having a partner who is engaged with us in a dialog.

Learning Through Liberty

My recently liberty sessions with Koa have given me an amazingly clear illustration of these principles.

When I focus on the feeling of connection and transmitting every message within the bounds of our shared rhythm, she'll give me nearly anything - from raucous play to engaged, high-level movements. She'll also show me ideas that I would not have thought of on my own.

However, when I get stuck on an idea and push too hard, breaking the rhythm of our harmony, I can feel the connection disintegrate and our communication totally break down.

Comfort in Connection

For me, the biggest realization in this whole process has been the level of comfort that both Koa and I get from being in connection. When we're in that zone, it's like being sharing the embrace of a warm blanket. That level of intimacy has an amazing serenity.

When the connection is lost, that comfort doesn't just fade. Instead, I find it to be replaced by unease. I can immediately see the tension come into Koa's body, the tightness in her eyes, and I can feel myself armoring defensively. Without the connection, that ability to seamlessly read each other, we both have a level of fear about what will happen next.

Control, then, is really the opposite of connection. Control leverages this fear of the disconnect and uses it to force action. Connection, on the other hand, leverages the comfort of harmony to suggest action.

True Power is in Connection

In connection we can trust. We can reach each other clearly and understand, with the true fluidity of being one in the moment, the balance of all things. This fluid sense of well-being is what continues to draw us to connection and what powers the depth of our relationships.

Each Day is an Experiment

2010-06-10T08:02:44-07:00

When we are children, we all experiment on a daily basis. In fact, this experimenting is our function as a child, for it is through observing the results of our actions that we gain insight into the workings of the world. How sad we should think a child who had no drive to run, play, knock things down and build others up. We would think them to be missing out on their very purpose.

The Change

What is interesting to me is the widely accepted idea at some point we should "have it figured out." There is some sort of fuzzy cut-off point, a demarcation between youth and adulthood, at which we societally lose all tolerance for "childish" behaviors. It is time to be serious and do only grown-up things.

I'm not sure where or when we developed this cut-off, but I do know that it does us a great deal of harm. When we deny that adults need as much play and experimentation as children, we force them into a mold that simply does not fit.

ALL life is an experiment

"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is not only childhood that is the experiment. Rather, all life presents us with an amazing laboratory. Whether we are six, sixteen, or sixty, we are lying to ourselves if we believe that we have nothing new to learn. As the old saying goes, the only constant is change, and if we are to be content in the ever-shifting sands of life we need to be prepared to change as well, which means being a dedicated lifetime learner.

The Beauty of Unexpected Outcomes

"There is no such thing as a failed experiment, only experiments with unexpected outcomes." -Richard Buckminster Fuller

As we see in this wonderful quote from Buckminster Fuller, the attitude of experimentation gives us the freedom to make mistakes. When we understand that all life is an experiment and that there are no failures in experimentation, only unexpected results, we can begin to act much more freely.

If we only take actions whose results we are sure of, we can never learn anything new. We already know the answer before we even make the experiment. This goes back to the idea that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.

What's wonderful about unexpected outcomes is that they offer us a real chance to learn and grow. When we take the chance to put fresh energy into the world, we give the world the opportunity to give us something magical in return.

What experiments have you performed lately? What has the world given back?

On Getting Wrecked

2010-03-10T13:57:28-08:00

We ARE Changing

We live in a world of shifting priorities. As I see it, we are at the cusp of a major change in values. The factory driven, cog-in-the-machine, clock-in-clock-out till your pension kicks in mode is falling apart before our eyes. Everyone is talking about authenticity, intrinsic motivators, and the rising urgency to find meaningful activity instead of a job with a paycheck and checked-out weekends.

This shift is affecting the horse world as much as any other part of our society. The old values of military riding and cowboy giddey-up that are the basis of so much of our equestrian activity are unraveling as more and more of us have our eyes opened to the fact that these systems are hollow anachronisms that cause pain, suffering, and death on a daily basis.

That Change is Leading Us to Getting Wrecked

This process of disillusionment is not fun. It leaves us unsure of our values and our place. In his new manifesto Wrecked for the Ordinary, Jeff Goins describes the lessons he's learned about these ideas from recording the stories of missionaries:

To be "wrecked" is to be disabused of the status quo. It means to have a redemptive transformation, often catalyzed by a brush with the pain of a dying world. The process is anything but pretty. It's harsh and real and painfully honest. Finding out who you are and what your place is feels like a sweater unwinding thread-by-thread. Your old life begins to make less and less sense in light of your new priorities, and it seems futile to rebuild the old way of living.

How Horses Wrecked Me

In terms of horses, I became wrecked through the process of developing a volunteer program for a large rescue. Every day I was confronted with the reality that we had twenty acres packed with over 100 horses, all of whom were victims of a horse world that seems to focus on everything but the well being of the horses themselves.

Some had ruined back. Some had soundness issues. Some had feet so poorly cared for that they couldn't walk. Some had no physical issues at all, but were extremely damaged emotionally.

I particularly remember one jumping horse that was donated with the promise that he would sell for at least $5,000. Call me cynical, but who gives away a horse worth $5,000? Answer: someone who knows that he's mentally ruined and knows they'll never sell him for a dime.

This was my "brush with the pain of a dying world," to use Goins' terminology. Just as he says, I've never been the same since. I cannot look at a horse the same way I did before the transformation. Before I was blissfully ignorant. Now I am critically aware.

Sometimes this has felt like a great burden to carry. However, I know that it is a blessing. Realizing the nature an extent of a problem that touches us deeply gives transforms our life towards a purpose. Then we have an answer to the ever nagging question of an unwrecked life:

Why?

Because we can make a change. We can shape a better world. We can help, build, reconcile, and create. We just need to get wrecked first.