Blog - EmilyScottAND

14 Complicated Situations I Can Guide You Through (as your Financial Sherpa)

Emily Scott — Sat, 09 Jul 2022 17:00:00 +0000

We often think of finances as a calculative and dry subject. We believe that the cold numbers will lead us to an objectively correct way to spend our money. However, life is full of unexpected and difficult choices and sometimes there isn’t a purely data-driven answer available.

In these times you need to examine factors like your mental state, your money story, future goals, and personal relationships to figure out what is right for you. I’ve covered 14 situations of times that disrupt our emotions and make it the most challenging to make a smart decision.

Managing Finances After the Death of a Spouse

The death of a loved one starts you on an emotional rollercoaster. Everything happens abruptly and your surroundings can blur together. There are no places to get off and you’re forced to ride it out until the end.

For most people in this situation, collecting and organizing financial information is far from the front of their mind. However, certain financial decisions can’t be put on the back burner for long. Important payments like your mortgage require action even in times of grief.

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, then it might be a good idea to bring in a professional to help you prioritize. They’ll take care of everything that needs immediate attention so that you can have the time you need to grieve.

This process allows you to approach your finances from a healthy, stable perspective. After all, grief can convince us to make rash and improper decisions.

In the meantime, take the time to get your emotions in order and seek out help if you need it. Visit support groups and speak to people in similar circumstances. Get as close to normalcy as possible with your children, friends, and family. When you’ve settled down, then you’ll be able to make financial decisions that take care of your future and honor your partner’s wishes.

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Dealing with Financial Imbalances Between Partners

There are many reasons why one partner may earn less than the other. Perhaps one of you left your job to take care of the house and children. Maybe one of your chosen professions is more lucrative. Regardless of the reason, power imbalances can take a toll on even the most loving and supportive relationships.

When one person is less financially stable as an individual, it can feel like they have a smaller voice in related decisions. Feelings of inadequacy or loss of personal power will inevitably lead to an increasing number of arguments.

This could also appear in the form of guilt from both sides. While the lower-earning partner can feel like they’re not contributing enough to the relationship. That they’re being one-sidedly cared for. On the other hand, the higher-earner can pick up on these feelings and develop guilt over harming their loved ones. Inadvertently or not.

Combating this requires understanding what each person values in the relationship. Maybe their Money Story led them to place a lower value on financial contributions. Maybe they grew up truly believing that all money is shared in a partnership. Through understanding each other’s money stories, you can truly understand what you bring (or don’t bring) to your partner’s life.

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Getting Your Bearings after a Divorce

Divorce is an emotional death. It’s the symbolic representation of taking your relationship and burying it 10 feet deep. However, unlike the ancient Egyptians, our assets and wealth aren’t buried with the body.

Emotions of fear and anxiety can crop up when you go through a divorce. There’s the obvious fear of ceding your involvement in your children’s lives to your ex-partner. But there are also fears of losing your lifestyle and your future security.

Getting over this fear is necessary to have a fair and clean divorce. If you don’t, then you’ll be approaching conversations under a combative cloud. The importance of an asset to each partner isn’t necessarily 1:1 with its financial value.

Understanding your ex-partner’s money story will greatly help in divvying everything up so that you each get an equal share of what’s important to you.

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Unexpected Financial Windfalls

So, you’ve had a stroke of good fortune and money has unexpectedly fallen into your life. You probably have a laundry list of things you’ve always wanted if only you had the money to buy them. But there’s a difference between a list of things you dream about and what you need.

Scrap that list. It’s time to make a new one.

Keep in mind that a financial windfall has innate value even if you don’t spend it on anything at all. However, if you’re adamant about a “use it or lose it” mindset, then try to incorporate your values into the purchasing decisions. Learn what types of things bring you the most emotional satisfaction or freedom.

By understanding what’s most important to you, you’re able to better align your spending with your value system. Rather than seek instant gratification, it’s better to use it on long-term investments that fulfill yourself in a myriad of ways.

For example, do you feel weighed down by credit card or student debt? Wouldn’t it be liberating to finally be rid of it (or at least a chunk of it?)

Do you value time spent with your family? Then buy something that you all can do together and build memories with. Learn to direct your purchases in this manner, and you’ll gain much more satisfaction from your good fortune.

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Windfall Falling Through

We structure our lives around certain certainties or what we believe are certainties. Things like being paid on time this week. Getting at least ‘X’ amount of money in our Christmas bonus. You may even be counting on receiving money left in someone’s will.

We sometimes forget that nothing is ever certain. Bonuses can be canceled, paychecks can be late, and wills can be revised without anyone knowing. Even if you’re holding onto an investment or an asset, until you’ve taken steps to cash out on it, then it’s not 100 percent reliable. Stocks can plummet and property can drop in value. Nothing is certain. Maintain the mindset that money you can’t hold in your own two hands isn’t yours.

However, if you’ve already made the mistake of spending money you don’t have, then you need to get on damage control. Get the money back if possible or find ways to cut down your spending until you make up the difference. The slower you move, the bigger the problem becomes.

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Economic Shifts Outside Personal Control

It sucks to say, but life isn’t fair. Our finances will be pressured at times regardless of how responsible and fiscal we are. Global events like pandemics, wars, and political schemes can ruin economies and wrench our jobs away from us.

This unfairness unleashes anger and pity for ourselves. An understandable response for when the world gives us the bird. But just as there was nothing you could do to stop it from happening, there’s also nothing you can do to change it.

So, we should learn how to ride the waves as gracefully as we can. Figure out where you can cut costs in your daily life and look for temporary (possibly lower-paying) jobs to tide you over. Do whatever you can to get yourself stable enough to stand tall once more.

Above all, never convince yourself that, “Things can’t get any worse.” There’s no guarantee that whatever caused your problem won’t continue. Because it can. But adapting quickly is the key to minimizing damages and preserving the key parts of your lifestyle.

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The Money Side of Having Children

One of the biggest choices we ever have to make in life is the decision to bring children into it. It’s not a simple shower idea that you’re rolling with on a whim. There are hundreds of things to consider, like your maturity, available time, and financial state.

It requires you to partially look into the future. To predict what your life will look like, and how it will transform after you have a child.

Even if you think you’re well off, the costs of a child can be painfully surprising. Things like insurance, medical bills, specialized food, toys, and sleeping equipment will strain your budget. Not to mention the diapers. More diapers than you can imagine.

You need to consider what you and your partner are willing to give up and what you’re not. Things like personal training and fancy restaurants may need to be put aside for a while if you want to give your child the life you imagined. What’s removable from your life while still allowing enough resources to fulfill yourself? After you know that, ask yourself, “will giving those up let me save enough money to raise a child?”

This doesn’t only apply when your children are chubby and cute. It extends to the moodier phases as well. There are two life events that many parents dread having to pay for.

College and marriage.

Both are ridiculously expensive events in your child’s life. You need to decide early on a reasonable target you want to hit and how much you want to help your child. Like with all goals, setting a target greatly increases your odds of reaching it.

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Caring for Elderly Family Members

As we get older and gain more life experience, we get a better perspective of what our parents went through to raise us. So, when it’s our turn to take care of them, it’s hard to say no, even if it’s not what we imagined for ourselves.

If you assume the role of a primary caregiver, then you’re over 10 percent more likely to report financial difficulty than secondary caregivers. After all, you’re taking on an adult who likely has a variety of medical needs.

Look for the early signs. If you know that illness runs in your family or your parents may struggle in their later years, then you’ll want to start preparing early. If possible, put aside some money to cover their future living and medical expenses.

Do your research and be honest with yourself about how much their care will cost you. It might not be enough to save whatever just happens to be left over. You might have to give up certain luxuries if you want to save enough for their future.

To get a good estimate of your parent’s future expenses, discuss what THEY expect from their future. You might not be able to provide everything, but it’s a good starting point to find some common ground. There’s likely to be a large number of concessions, but remember that it should be a 2-way street. It’s vital that you both find ways to stay happy without trampling on the other’s lifestyle.

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Being Responsible for Extended Family Members

One of the less desirable consequences of success is the barrage of expectations you get from those around you. They expect you to help them out because “you can afford it” and they turn you into the villain for not doing enough to share your success.

This can be particularly frustrating when these expectations are coming from your spouse’s side of things. The over-reliant family is a classic hook seen in dozens of family comedies. Common cast members include the hateful mother-in-law, the overbearing father-in-law, and the deadbeat brother.

It’s hard to find the line between helping out family and being taken advantage of. But you must strike the right balance if you want your spouse to maintain close ties with her blood. Many couples try to reach an agreement with the extended family, but that isn’t the correct approach.

In the end, you’re doing this for your spouse. So, they need to have the biggest voice in what’s acceptable. It’s their money story and emotions that will decide if you’re helping too much or too little. Before you hand over a cent, make sure that you create guidelines for the generosity that you’re both happy with.

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What to Leave my Kids

Raise your hand if you enjoy speaking to spoiled and entitled children. Anyone? I didn’t think so.

Everyone wants to raise their kids to be upstanding and successful people. Leaving them too much money after you pass might give them the agency to learn lessons that go against that goal. Alternatively, leaving them nothing may hurt their feelings.

You want to leave them enough so that they can feel secure and that they know you cared for them. Finding this sweet spot is like performing advanced calculus without a trusty “TI” calculator.

It starts with dissecting what each child wants to achieve in their life. What kind of lifestyle do they want to lead and what dreams do they want to pursue. Their money story, both past and present. Considering all of this show them, on an emotional level, that you understand them and want what’s best for them.

As their parent, you play an ENORMOUS role in developing their money stories Become a model of the financial credo that you want your children to adopt and let them know what’s important to you. Do you value taking financial risks or playing it safe? Is frugality important to you? Teaching your children these things about you tells them what to expect when you pass.

So, as long as you practice what you preach, then your children are more likely to be understanding and respectful of what you leave them.

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Engaging in Meaningful and Personal Philanthropy

There are literally thousands of charitable efforts out there. Choosing which ones to dedicate your time, emotion, and money toward is going to come down to your money story. People tend to engage more deeply in philanthropy when they’re both knowledgeable and connected to the cause.

So, it stands to reason that you’ll be most helpful to organizations that meet those requirements. You’ll need to understand how different organizations operate to achieve this. Find ways to engage with them and come to each conversation curious.

Ask their representatives and volunteers questions to see if they align with your desire for change. This includes queries about their current and future plans. If the cause doesn’t ignite your passion then keep searching for one that does. This will enable you to throw yourself into it more completely.

Understand that meaningful philanthropy isn’t about how big of a check you can write. If you’re not engaging on an emotional level, then whatever you do will feel empty and unfulfilling.

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Harnessing Our Inner Bag Lady

Bag lady syndrome refers to a woman’s fear that, at any point, she’ll be thrown to the streets and have to carry her possessions in a shopping bag. These uncertainties manifest in men as well, however, the trend is more prevalent in women given our lower pay and the pressure on us to leave the workforce.

There are times when this concern comes over me and takes a place in my decision-making. This isn’t all bad. While you shouldn’t let your bag lady syndrome take full control; there are benefits to listening to it every once in a while.

Rather than giving in to the fear, channel it to develop responsible habits in managing and reviewing budgets. Use your concern to motivate you into taking a more active role in your investments and build up reliable safety nets. It can even add a sense of fulfillment when you take it into account.

After all, your bag lady syndrome is part of your money story too. And like with all parts of that story, you gain positive feedback by aligning your financial habits with it. Every time you come under budget will feel that much better.

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How to Understand My Money Story

Our money story is defined by all the lessons we’ve learned in our life. Financial or otherwise. It’s the reason that some of us are frugal while others derive joy from frequent spending.

Money stories are a form of emotional expression and understanding them is crucial to making fulfilling money decisions. I work with clients to uncover their money stories and learn how to set goals with their value systems in mind.

Through my workshops and seminars, we hone in on the explicit and implicit messages you’ve been exposed to. Obvious examples include whether you grew up in luxury or watched a family member ruin their life through irresponsible spending. We take these messages and figure out how they have shaped your current habits. This helps you create plans that remove negative feelings about your money and start to use it in a uniquely meaningful manner.

My own money story stems from the tumultuous marriage between my refugee father and depression-era mother. After which my mother was forced to drastically alter her lifestyle. It made me develop a hyper-awareness of any risks a venture might have.

Taking an objective viewpoint is vital in uncovering your money story. We all know how easy it is to lie to ourselves about our past. Discussing your background with a professional or [the right] friend will help you immensely.

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Healthily Reflecting on Our Financial Habits

It’s always a good time to look back and evaluate how you’re using your money. It gives you more relevant insight for determining what goals to set moving forward and if your recent choices reflect your money story.

I’ve worked with clients who beat themselves up over failing to stick to their budgets. They restrict themselves in January about how much they’re allowed to spend in December. That’s a little crazy if you think about it. Our circumstances and values can shift dramatically in brief periods of time.

Think about why you went over budget. Did you travel to spend more time with close family or friends? Were you investing more into hobbies that bring you long-term joy? Was there a charity or local project that you contributed to? If your choice of exceeding your budget brings you comparable fulfillment, then maybe it’s your budget that needs to be reevaluated.

Reconstruct your budget with your money story as the central theme. Think about your value hierarchy and make reasonable trade-offs to better match it. This process by itself can help reconcile the nervousness you feel about going over budget since it justifies how you’re directing your funds. Within reason.

If you need help navigating your thoughts and emotions around an important financial decision, you can contact me here or check out some of my online resources.

Preparing Your Relationship for Healthy Financial Discussions

Emily Scott — Fri, 20 May 2022 20:19:10 +0000

Money is a hard thing to talk about. It fits right in between being honest with your doctor and discussing a “newly renovated” nursing home with your mother-in-law.

In fact, we’re taught from an early age to avoid talking about money. Even straightforward subjects like salary and savings are hindered by a layer of taboo. So, imagine the herculean difficulty of trying to talk about any emotional aspects of the subject.

You’d think that communication gets easier the closer we are with someone, but we all know that isn’t always the case. Disagreements and differences in ideology can spell the end of a relationship if they’re put through enough stress. Most couples don’t want to invite that themselves and choose to steer clear of hot button subjects.

Avoidance only works for so long. Some unforeseen problem will shake your life from its axis and force you to talk about more than just current events. Due to the ubiquity of finance, at least part of that conversation will almost certainly be about money.

And it will test your relationship.

Now, it’s easy to believe the couples that fail this test just weren’t strong enough. That they hadn’t cultivated the openness and honesty of their counterparts.

Rather than a lack of honesty, I’ve observed that many individuals lack the necessary insight into their money story to explain themselves properly. A “money story” is the culmination of all the implicit and explicit financial lessons you’ve learned throughout your life. Our money stories are individually unique. As a result, we’re approaching the conversation from different perspectives which is a big factor in the difficulty in communicating about finances.

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Why We Struggle to Communicate

Knowing your financial habits and having insight into them are separate matters. Many people have no trouble explaining their general money philosophy. They describe themselves with simple terms like saver, spender, or investor among other things.

However, such broad definitions don’t cut it in a serious financial discussion, whether it’s with a personal or professional connection. Certainly, the spender will be looser with money while the saver will tighten their grip. They’ll continue to clash as each one struggles to understand why their partner won’t accept their point of view.

This will go on until the relationship breaks or someone thinks to ask, “why do you feel that way?”

Why do you value a safety net so much?
Why do you want to spend money on something like this?
Why are you so keen on following the stock market?

Questions like these probe into a financial habit's emotional or historical reasoning. Instead of playing an argumentative numbers game of “cost v. benefit,” a couple with insight into the reasons behind their habits will form a deeper understanding.

This understanding helps them realize why it’s important that their partner act on their ideology to a certain degree. It’s not just about blindly spending, saving, and investing. Instead, the act of using money in a particular way provides feelings of acknowledgment, safety, validation, or other positive emotional responses. Values that both partners want for the other.

While the questions to ask are relatively straightforward, their answers will be more complicated to sort out. After all, our behaviors are like an emotional puzzle box built by a lifetime of expectations and experiences.

There are thousands upon thousands of pieces that cling together and shape our overall ideology. Little factors like opening a lemonade stand as a kid or your father’s rule of squirreling away 20 percent of every paycheck play a role. Locating the most impactful factors among them takes time and precision.

This becomes even more complex when we introduce an intimate partner into the mix. Having to integrate their feelings and viewpoints is akin to throwing in a handful of new pieces that we can’t find a place for in our puzzle.

It’s only when we share our money stories and present how we think and feel that we can create space for our partners. We rarely discuss this need in our day-to-day, so when it’s time to get serious, it’s hard to land on common ground.

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Excavating the Money Story and Finding Common Ground

A few years ago, a couple came to me and detailed a situation that I can only describe as an intermittent war. The prize? Control over a hefty inheritance.

It was one of the classic scenarios between a spender and saver.

The wife earmarked the inheritance as a safety measure. Something to provide for their family if an emergency arose. A “break glass in case of hard times” fund. Her husband considered it an extension of their savings. Something to be used in the present to improve their lives.

Every purchase or expense eclipsing a standard grocery run would spark a contentious debate. Previously agreeable decisions like vacation destinations and home improvements became the backdrop for arguments that slowly eroded their marriage.

Despite the ever-growing conflicts, they continued to treasure each other and wanted the marriage to survive. They felt that it wouldn’t if this game of inheritance tug-of-war wasn’t somehow put to rest.

After hearing both sides’ opening statements, it became clear that the problem had only been approached from a fact-based vantage point. They repeated rationales like saving up for their children or the logistics of adding a third bathroom but didn’t understand why they valued their plans over their partner’s.

They had both grown up in less than favorable circumstances that dramatically influenced their perspectives. Just in different ways. They’d learned harsh lessons and, the harsher the lesson, the more its teachings are adhered to. This is the emotional side of money that often drives our decision-making actions and behaviors.

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Her Anxiety

A depression-era home struggling to survive. She learned early on about the pain of living without a safety net. Doing everything to succeed but still surrounded by a family endlessly worried about the next morning.

Two siblings turned to substance abuse and she had the role of the “good and responsible child” hoisted upon her.. Her lesson was to always have a backup so her family could live with a light heart even when times got hard.

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His Reward

A father that was incapable of holding down a job. He learned how inconsistent providers hurt everyone around them. Rather than rely on employers, he founded his own company and created a high level of security for himself.

Everything he earned went toward his family because they needed it all. And he was happy to give it to them.

However, when a large sum of unexpected money came in, he wanted to reward himself for his work. He had succeeded where his father had failed and wanted to feel the benefits of that. This was the motivation behind his hyperfocus on using the inheritance money.

While his money always went to supporting his family, this extra money could be used as a reward and make him feel like his efforts had paid off.

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Give Some Ground for the Benefit of Both

Understanding your partner’s emotional reasoning is a way to initiate the discussion with common ground to jump off. In the end, you both want the other to feel satisfied and happy about how you’re using the joint money. However, chasing after emotional payoffs isn’t an excuse to be reckless with your finances.

The point is to pin down a way to fulfill both of your needs rather than prioritizing whoever has the more compelling backstory. We’re not in the business of emotionally blackmailing our partners. If only one of you compromises their needs at every turn, then discord will form and cause future conversations to become even harder.

In the inheritance case, the goal was to find a way to let the husband feel rewarded for his success while maintaining the sense of security it brought to the wife. You’ll notice that this is a completely different puzzle than arguing about who’s financial ideology should be applied wholesale to the inheritance.

One of the measures I suggested was creating a stipend. This was a pre-agreed amount of money that the husband had complete autonomy over. So, rather than feeling like nothing he earned went to himself, he could reward himself with an amount that didn’t threaten his wife’s comfort.

Of course, other conflicts arose from their unique experiences, but this was just one way that a little insight completely changed their conversation.

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Keys to Having a Balanced and Safe Financial Discussion

While grasping your partner’s ideology is a huge help, it’s still possible for serious discussions to become unnecessarily heated. Setting up a few guidelines ahead of time can mitigate problems and keep the conversation flowing in productive ways.

Remember it’s a Conversation Not a Confrontation: Just as you’re not trying to antagonize your partner, they’re not trying to hurt you either. Keep the dialogue friendly and, if needed, gently address statements that make you feel attacked.
Appreciate Your Partner’s Values: You’re not in a relationship with a carbon copy of yourself. Each person brings unique values and perspectives to the table and it’s the collective’s responsibility to at least hear them out. Keeping an open mind can often keep disputes from turning into full-blown arguments.
Relationship “Shorthand” is Dangerous: It’s easy to assume you know everything about your partner, particularly in lengthy marriages. This leads us to continue discussions under certain assumptions which is a dangerous practice. If you take the time to confirm your partner’s thoughts, it could keep you from creating pointless static. One of my favorite expressions is to “come to the conversation curious.”
Take Time to Reaffirm the Relationship: Things can get passionate (and personal), but take a breath. Remind your partner, or be open to reminders, that the purpose of the discussion is to help you both. Come from a loving place and be obvious about it.

If a financial issue is disrupting your relationship and you want to communicate more effectively with your partner, then you can contact me here or reference our online resources.

Your Legacy, A Guide For Singles

Emily Scott — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 22:26:09 +0000

THE ASSUMPTIONS WE MAKE

During the transition of married life to divorced life, I was in a doctor's office, filling out the typical paperwork. The question of 'in case of emergency who should we call?' stumped me as I thought, "Now what? Who should they call?" It's strange how a usually straightforward question transforms into more profound thoughts about who and what is important to you. In full disclosure, following this, I learned that my biological father is not the father with whom I grew up, so add the thought of, "for 60 years I have been lying on my medical forms." Who knew a simple piece of paper could generate the reality of the assumptions we make in our lives?

Fast forward to last year and a conversation I was having with a long-term care consultant. I realized that I needed to learn my insurance options now – before I got even older and body parts would start failing even more than they already do! Had I appropriately financially planned for my circumstances?

One of his very first comments was, "Since you are single with no children, you can spend all your money on taking care of yourself."

WHOA. Altogether not my money mindset nor my financial plan, in fact, the opposite of what I want my legacy to be. People make assumptions when there are no apparent heirs, one of which is presuming that you will want to consume your wealth during your lifetime.

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YOUR LEGACY IS YOUR MISSION STATEMENT

Your legacy is a statement of who you are, how you want to be described, your perspective, values, and principles, AND your consideration of others after you are gone. When you don't have obvious heirs, you get to ideate about how your relationship with money can apply to the various people and organizations that have played a role in your life events and transitions. You have the opportunity to envision the manifestation of your goals and dreams and of those important to you, and how you can contribute to making those visions come true.

My estate plan is chock full of people and nonprofits I care deeply about, and I want my gratitude to include a financial component. The idea that I wouldn't be able to do that is the antithesis of what money means to me and my mission.

I have a personal mission statement, and I always encourage my clients to have one as well. I call it my NorthStar and the foundational core of my financial decision-making process.

Mine is "I want my money to represent who I want to be as a human being, with my knowledge and emotions aligned to maintain my security, flexibility, freedom, and generosity."

Living Your Legacy…Bruce Munro’s Field of Light at Sensorio

GIVE A GIFT OR CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE

When working with clients, one of the many questions I ask is: Do you want to give a gift or change someone's life? Many people automatically think of giving a gift and stop there. If you have the financial means to change someone's life, would that be something you want to do?

Here's an example of a client who initially gave a gift but then pivoted to changing someone's life:

A client's ailing husband had an excellent caregiver for many years. From what I learned, the patient was not an easy man to be with, and my client was immensely grateful for the caregiver's patience, acceptance, expertise, and continued care. When her husband died, my client could not say "thank you" enough to the caretaker. She left a nice sum of money for the caretaker in the will. My client also realized that she, too, would need a caretaker. The caretaker stayed on to take care of her.

As my client and I reviewed her values and priorities related to her legacy and her estate plan, the caretaker's name came up in our conversation. My client wanted to give a gift to the caretaker. We discussed that when my client died, the caretaker would be that much older, and working full-time would be a hardship for her. As we looked at my client's desired legacy, it became more apparent that my client wanted to give this woman freedom from having to work to support herself. Rather than a gift, she wanted to change her life and allow her to retire. With this decision, my client's estate lawyer proposed a solution that would accomplish her objectives.

TALKING ABOUT DEATH CHANGES HOW YOU LIVE

One of my favorite precepts is how talking about death changes how you live. Every 'living your legacy' client walks away wanting to incorporate at least some of what we discover during our time together. Our work together opens the door to learning more about what is important to you, at your core. It is not surprising, then, when it becomes crucial to use that information now.

An example of putting that phrase into action was when an asset manager hired me to consult her client on bequest concerns.

Her client, a single woman with no heirs, was eager to determine nonprofits, in five specific fields of interest, as the beneficiaries of her trust. The project's research phase was extensive, and as I reported back to the client, I could see her interest grow. In the end, there was enough information for her to decide which nonprofits to include in her estate plan.

We created a framework document for her trustees to use for vetting the particular organizations at the time of her death. Included in the paperwork was an explanation of her intentions, values, and beliefs. If the named organizations failed her tests, her trustees would have her guidance to fulfill her wishes with other nonprofits. I also developed a list of questions for her trustees based on the information gathered during the discovery process as a benchmark for them to follow.

With her passion ignited, the client and I discussed that she could start to change how she was living. I encouraged her to spend time getting to know the organizations and the people involved – staff, board, and volunteers – as they are like-minded. She started donating to these nonprofits in the present time, building relationships with the executive directors and staff, volunteering, and giving her life more purpose and joy.

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IN CONSIDERATION AS A SINGLE WOMAN

"About two-thirds of people living alone at home over age 85 are women," according to a 2017 study from the Society of Actuaries.

Not surprising, as all the actuarial tables show, women continue to live longer than men. Given the many statistics that show concerns of women's financial wellness, the financial dependency women have on others, and women's overall relationship with money, planning your legacy as a single woman has its share of extra steps in preparing for beneficiaries. It can get complicated as single women tend to be more concerned about their financial picture during their lifetime. I have spoken and written often of Bag Lady Syndrome, and that topic resonates strongly with women (and men, just not as often).

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OTHER CHANGES I NEEDED TO MAKE, AND NOW MY CLIENTS DO THIS AS WELL

Immediately following my medical form changes, I acknowledged that I needed to change my estate's trustees as my ex-husband clearly didn't belong on that form either. I know all too well the burden of being an estate executor, having assisted in the process several times. I chose two best friends and wrote a lengthy explanation of my thought process, my philosophy, including my mission statement, gifting, and values.

I asked both of my friends to read my wishes now to ensure I was as clear as I intended to be. Once the editing process was complete, I added the following, "I know that there will be many more pieces of my estate puzzle than I can anticipate at the moment. I asked you both to do this as I completely trust your judgment. At any point, if you find yourself asking, 'What would Emily do?' the answer is 'She would ask you to use your judgment.'" I did include, "Besides, I'll be dead, so you won't have to worry about my reaction!" There is nothing like a little humor to lighten the atmosphere.

HOW TO CREATE A ROAD MAP FOR YOUR LOVED ONES

In my practice, I help clients in creating a legacy road map. I use Go Wish Cards to help people find the words that help them identify what is important to them and how to talk about it. Additionally, I take them through a visioning exercise to help them identify their values, which allows them to center their legacy plans in keeping with how they live. Lastly, I encourage all of my clients to write letters to the beneficiaries, both the individuals and organizations, to add the personal reasons behind the gift. It is one thing to ONLY be told you are receiving money. It is something completely different to learn how meaningful you are, AND you are receiving a gift.

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ASK YOURSELF

The following is a list of questions to help you start ideating about your life and legacy:

What are Your Biggest Fears of Being Alone?

What are your biggest fears at the end? What keeps you up at night by being alone, and how do we solve that?

Who and What Has Impacted Your Life?

How do you want to honor that or them? Use people who will appreciate the importance of what you are asking of them after you are gone.

What Would you Like to See Changed in The World?

Identify and explore your values. Is there something that you prioritize above all else, where you'd like to make an impact?

What Does My Generosity Include?

Is there a nonprofit that you'd like to support, and/or someone directly?

Why Is This Important to Me

Share why you want what you want. It doesn't take a magic formula to plan your legacy. It's a personal process. People won't know your reasons behind your choices unless you communicate them.

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P.S. As I was writing this blog, a former client sent me the following text: "Thank you for helping me understand a different way to prepare for what my children will go through after my death...so that my children will feel empowered, loved, trusted, and deeply cherished.

In case you are wondering, my siblings and I were blindsided by my father's will today. It's not a huge deal to us financially, but it's what it signifies vis-à-vis all of the things I listed in the text above. The grief alone was bad enough. But to have this heaped on top today was almost unbearable. Thanks. I'll call soon."

My heart aches for my client. This is not how it has to be. Ever.

Living Your Legacy…letting your vision and values align…

Discovering Your Money Money | Living Your Legacy | Determining Your Philanthropic Values

Emily Scott, Emily Scott AND

emily@emilyscottand.com | 415-609-1900 | emilyscottand.com

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Unleash the Power of Vulnerability

Emily Scott — Tue, 28 Jul 2020 01:19:04 +0000

"I have never heard a person speak with such vulnerability at a business conference as you just were." Really? Moi? My presentation at a national conference of financial and philanthropic professionals carried the title, "What Was and What Will Be: A Client in Transition." I presented case studies, mine included, to illustrate the best and worst practices of advisors' vis-a-vis the retention of clients. The audience learned that while some professionals recognized I was as much of their client as my then-husband, others dismissed me as "the wife of the client." The retelling of my experiences brought audible gasps from the audience. My frame of reference was, "I'm here to tell these people what it is like on the client-side of the table," and if I was going to share those stories, I need to tell the truth — you couldn't make up some of these experiences.

When many people echoed the vulnerability aspect of my speech, I was dumbfounded and asked a friend precisely what that meant. She expounded, "You talked about not just what happened to you, but how it felt. You voiced what was going on, intellectually and emotionally." The view that I am unguarded is a disconnect because my perspective is that I am sharing my truth. It is my nature to include emotions in the equation, so I didn't think this was anything new or unordinary.

I want to know how people feel, and I assume everyone is like that. In jest, one of my friends introduces me, "This is my friend, Emily. Don't ask her how she is; she'll tell you," For the record, when I ask, "How are you?" I follow it with "That's a real question."

I have come to understand that not everyone comes to vulnerability easily. Many people mask their emotions — especially when talking about their feelings regarding their wealth because it is more comfortable, more conforming, and less open to judgment. (factoid: People would rather talk about sex with their children than talk about money).

"The problem is...that you cannot selectively numb those hard feelings without numbing the other effects and emotions. When we numb those, we numb joy, numb gratitude, numb happiness, and then we are miserable and are looking for purpose and meaning." -Brene Brown

The realization that my inherent superpower, of being vulnerable, led me to a personal and professional transformation. I'm here to tell you there is power in being vulnerable.

Having been both the client and the professional, I know that vulnerability is at the crux of people's challenges. Many people don't know how to address their emotional turmoil around their wealth. Clients don't readily share their emotional sensitivities regarding their wealth or estate plan with their lawyers and advisors, which causes dilemmas or issues for these professionals. Shame and fear are what keep many people from sharing their stories.

Being Vulnerable Means Being Open to Possibilities

An investment manager referred me to his clients, a couple, who were continually battling about their financial needs and wants. After asking each of them about the state of their marriage, what they trusted and liked about each other, we established that their intentions were loving. I clarified that our conversations would occur in a safe space to encourage each of them to let down their guard. The notion of someone hearing you, alone, is a great place to start. Each of them completed my worksheets to define their individual money story and share it only with me. By detailing your money story and saying it out loud, a person can feel acceptance and understanding. When we were all back together, the couple shared their stories. By sharing, they were asking one another for recognition — to listen with empathy and without judgment. We then went over the similarities and differences with both of their stories, acknowledging the source of one another's emotions around their finances, taking down the barriers that stood between them, and reframing the conversation to one of recognizing different perspectives, options, and compromise.

Vulnerability Brings Resolution

I have come to appreciate that hiding from one's truth is more painful than accepting it. A client, anxious about his legacy and feeling emotionally misaligned with his estate plan, came to me to discuss possible revisions. Chief among his concerns was his adult children's futures, and what might transpire upon his passing. He had children with two different women with dissimilar financial capabilities. He realized that the two sets of children would have different inheritances on the maternal side, and he was not sure how to reconcile this fact in his plan. In his plan, he wanted each child to feel equally loved by him and not equate his love with the monetary inheritance they would receive from him.

In a review of the information he had shared, the questions he pondered, and the gaps between what existed and his feelings, it was evident that he wasn't fully sharing his truth. Our conversations were the perfect opportunities for him to open up about his thoughts and feelings about his legacy. We role-played the dialogues that he could have with his family to gain further clarity. He reported back that each conversation was one of the most meaningful, loving, and informative conversations he has ever had with his children.

From there, we were able to document the changes for his estate lawyer to facilitate the revisions needed in his estate plan.

How to Unleash the Power of Vulnerability

Recognize that your need to protect yourself is limiting you. When we know we are about to be judged, we give the least personal information because we believe we are reducing possible ammunition for others to use. How can you discover the power of vulnerability?

1. Appreciate the journey you are about to take.

The information you will learn about yourself now will enable you to move on. The fear of the unknown is the worst of it. Owning part of the outcome is vital. Vulnerability isn't happening to you; you are part of the solution and choosing to be vulnerable.

2. Know your audience.

There is space and opportunity to offer your truth. It would help if you appreciate your audience and how much they can take in and how much you can take with their reaction. By knowing your audience, you are no longer hiding when you share. Like wearing a coat in winter and walking out into the cold, you are insulated and prepared for what you might hear.

3. Test the waters.

There is a difference between vulnerability in-the-moment versus in the past. Present and past emotions are on different levels, with the former carrying a more significant sting. Tell a story from your past. You will have fewer feelings about it because it has already happened. By sharing, you will get a sense of whether someone hears what you have to say. Ask yourself, why do you want to share this information? What do you want the outcome to be? Sharing a story can help teach you adaptability and resilience. It will help to reframe your vulnerability.

4. Bring on the power.

The fear of 'I'm not good enough' can be top of mind, opening the door for doubt and fear. You have to be prepared to get an unwanted answer. Be resilient by believing in yourself in the face of a challenge. Your wellbeing is not dependent on the response. Learn to be more adaptable by embracing vulnerability, having courage, and "a willingness to do something when there are no guarantees." If people can adapt, they can resource their strengths and find power in vulnerability.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I explain my professional foundation with the following: Vulnerability is a strength. I believe that people want to matter, be seen, and be heard. Our conversations are confidential and free of judgment. I also come to the conversation curious, which allows me to listen differently and more deeply. This core philosophy encourages trust, which opens the door to a far more emotional conversation about money — where the magic of vulnerability transpires and eventually leads to clarity and peace of mind.

Identifying Your Emotions Around Your Money Can Bring You Peace

Emily Scott — Mon, 22 Jun 2020 21:02:18 +0000

For many people, when the pandemic and shelter in place dramatically changed our personal and professional lives, their general anxieties about financial security shot to the sky. As someone who has "bag lady syndrome," I was surprised that I didn't crawl under my bed and assume a fetal position. The hypothetical scenario of the world coming to an end was something I imagined for years. But I didn't hide, and I will circle back to why in a few paragraphs.

The reality is that no one can predict when the economy will rebound, and very few, if any, are suggesting anytime soon. For now, people will, understandably so, continue to be worried about their financial future.

The subject of money and anxiety is so topical that the New York Times writer, Paul Sullivan, recently wrote about people turning to financial therapists for help. He states, "financial therapists have advanced degrees in psychology or clinical social work." He neglected to mention the few of us who, with a financial services background, empathic listening skills, and practical experience, have already unearthed the value of blending the technical and the human side of money — that doing so is an act of financial therapy in itself.

The human side of money is a relevant topic every single day.

My work with clients to identify their emotional relationship as it relates to their money and their future has confirmed my perspective that wealth is profoundly personal and carries a complex set of feelings and thoughts. By working together to uncover the client's money stories, I can guide my clients, define objectives, navigate challenges, set goals, and help them to feel better about their financial future. For those clients in personal relationships, through learning about their own and each other's money narratives, communications are enhanced as the recognition of differences and similarities come to light. This is especially true now, as we live in such a heightened state of vulnerability, unknown, and concern.

The participants in "Your Money Story" workshops and seminars that I conduct review their backgrounds with the lens focused on implicit and explicit messages from childhood to adulthood. Moving from past to present, the revelations of how those earlier messages manifest into beliefs, thoughts, and actions surface. With that new-found information, each cohort member can reframe their money attitudes and perceptions to create a plan that resonates with who they are.

As promised, the big reveal as to why I am still standing versus curled up under a rock is because I know my money story. I can tell you firsthand that it's a liberating process to have gone through. I am aware of why I have bag lady syndrome because of the messages I received as a child of a refugee father, a depression-era mother, and of their failed marriage, which dramatically changed my mother's financial situation. I appreciate that the need to understand and protect my financial resources caused me to be very risk-aware — aware being the operative word — which, in turn, caused me to ask many questions for every investment my ex-husband wanted to make. I do admit I am curious about almost everything and frequently want more information.

Knowing my money story lowered the influence my bag lady syndrome has in my life; she is now only a member of my internal committee, not the chairperson. My recognition of my triggers and fears moved me to calmly call my financial advisor and ask for a cash reserve with a longer time horizon. This move enabled me to continue to focus on what is important to me; acts of service, working with clients, being a loving partner, friend, and caretaker. This mind shift was such a dramatic departure from what she and I expected from me, that I joked with her that my measured response might have been too shocking for her. Read my money story here.

"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms." – Muriel Rukeyser

Our money story is an emotional expression. We all have a money story that influences our beliefs and the choices we make. What we can't recognize, we can't change. Now is an ideal time to put your money story into perspective, to identify what is important to you as it relates to your assets, and to put your money story to work for you. It is essential that you know it to have the connectivity between your vision, values, and money.

Days of Covid-19: Community Compassion Daily Posts

Emily Scott — Fri, 03 Apr 2020 04:20:29 +0000

On March 17, 2020, shortly after shelter-in-place was mandated in San Francisco, I wanted to post, on the Power of And facebook page, a daily message about community compassion, self compassion, and something that spoke to the ways people were trying to use their humanity for good. On Day 16, we were told that shelter-in-place would extend at least 5 more weeks. With that news, I wanted to highlight our need for self-compassion and love. Here is that post:

Day 16 #CommunityCompassion...the news has been difficult on many levels and the bright spots, while bright, are sometimes hard to see in all the darkness. While being of service to others, try to be of service to yourself and practice some self-compassion and self-love...a favorite poem:

Self Love by Lang Leav

Once when I was running,
from all that haunted me;
to the dark I was succumbing -
to what hurt unbearably.

Searching for the one thing,
that would set my sad soul free.

In time I stumbled upon it,
an inner calm and peace;
and now I am beginning -
and all I've yet to be.

#communitycompassion #selflove Lang Leav

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Can We Be Impartial With Ourselves About Our Money?

Emily Scott — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 05:27:35 +0000

Can We be Impartial With Ourselves About Our Money?

Impartiality is a hot topic in the press these days. The issue of neutrality led me to wonder if we are fair with ourselves. Are we open to new ideas, facts, lessons learned, or are we just critical with our life choices? I posed these questions to my clients as we reviewed their 2019 year-end financial picture and discussed 2020 goals. I, too, need to answer these questions for the same reasons and for the same periods. What follows is some guidance on how you can create your new year/new decade in ways that make sense for your financial goals, while appreciating your life values, principles, money narrative, and thought process.

Give Grace

A client and I discovered we both overspent with our gift-giving in 2019. We compared notes and found we had the same reactions of being self-critical for going over our personal budgets. In our meeting, when reviewing my client’s finances, she expressed anxiety and fear about the ramifications of overspending in a category. For 2020, she had started planning how not to repeat her “error.” My questions, such as, “How did it feel to buy a gift for your Uncle? Will you walk through the entire process?” brought forth how calm and joyful she felt at the time of buying and giving the gift. Through this process, we discovered that her style of gifting intertwined her life values of generosity and thoughtfulness.

The same is true of me. After some pondering, I don't regret how I’ve prioritized my life values and resulting financial picture at all. Giving allows me to live my life the way I want to live it.

Everyone has a money narrative; derived from how we grew up with money, what we learned explicitly or implicitly about it. Our money story holds our emotions, which leads to our thoughts and actions. I encourage you to review your 2019 financial actions with a different lens. Flipping your self-narrative from critical to positive can offer a needed reframe of your money narrative.

Consider Trade-Offs

A review and reconstruction of your yearly budget are appropriate. We are all in a constant state of transition. How we think about money, how we spend and save money reflects the changes in our lives. I work with my clients to create their personal Venn diagram – the intersection of your dollars with the collection and prioritization of wants, needs, and life values. If you have already created your 2020 budget, given we are already in February, you may be wise to take another look at it. I encourage you to ask yourself, “Is this budget financially feasible? What do I want to trade-off to make it so?” I previously wrote about The Beauty of Budgets, where I spend a great deal of time reflecting on my relationship to money, my needs, life values, and financial goals. Don't worry; it isn't as painful as you think. Setting a budget can bring comfort and clarity.

Give Yourself Affirmation

As we move into alignment, as we gain insight into our personal money story, how we think about our financial picture takes on a different perspective. I heard someone say, “leave your head, and get into your heart.” I wish I had come up with that line as it describes my philosophy of how to think with all systems in concert together. Let me offer, that when you act while considering your life values and priorities, there can be a sense of calmness, of certainty. “This is what I was meant to do,” is an expression I hear when this occurs.

Serenity was what my client felt when she took her son to serve at a food pantry during the holidays, which resulted in his appreciation of the many gifts he has received from his parents. Another client thought it necessary to take his family on a trip to see relatives across the country and altered his financial structure to accommodate that trip. At the end of 2019, I traveled to the US/Mexico border to volunteer with humanitarian non-profits assisting asylum seekers. While I didn't go there seeking fulfillment, my mission highlighted my need to serve others who are less fortunate – another reason to tweak my financial plan so I can continue to be of service.

Leigh Weinraub, Founder of Mind in Motion, speaks about “honoring the process of reflection,” as it will bring awareness and understanding of who you are, how you think, and where you are going in your life. I invite you to use the philosophy of reflection on your disposable income and your financial goals in the exact same way.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” - Aristotle

In this special Year of the Rat, not just a new year but a new decade, which brings with it the promise of prosperity, we can make choices that enable us to provide comfort – mental and physical – for the future. May you move forward this year with joy, enthusiasm, and interest in learning more about and being more impartial with yourself. If I can be your navigator, sounding board, listening partner, or guide, you know where to find me.

With Warmth and Gratitude - Emily

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A Cornucopia for Your Mental Nourishment

Emily Scott — Thu, 21 Nov 2019 00:45:02 +0000

November is the month where we are especially thankful for our bounty, in whatever form it takes. I am grateful for this year’s opportunities for growth, challenge, learning, and listening. In the spirit of the season, I offer you fodder for your nourishment.

Perspective Can Take You Anywhere

We are all in some life transition – either by choice or thrust upon us. It can be hard to appreciate what we know when changes are cascading over us. Put your knowledge in perspective by viewing learning and growth as the contents of three different buckets.

I know what I know: I am confident and self-assured in this knowledge.
I know something about what I don't know: I know something about a topic and my learning process needs to continue.
I don't know what I don't know: I am aware knowledge is obtainable if I remain open and curious.

Please note that buckets 2 and 3 are large (and getting larger by the day for me!). When you accept this notion, it is much easier to ask questions.

Your Money Story Affects You and Yours

Your money story, whether consciously or not, affects the majority of the decisions you make. When discussing life values, financial goals, philanthropic direction, and legacy planning with clients, I unpack their money stories. Your money narrative can be subtle, nuanced, and hidden, especially as we are taught to not talk about money. Open a dialogue to uncover your story and, eventually, the dots start connecting. Sharing your story brings you clarity and peace of mind and allows your professionals to do an even better job for you.

Energize is In, Passion is Semi-In:

I once gave a TedTalk about The Evolution of a "Passionaholic;" a phrase I coined, meaning a person whose passion engages one so completely that other pursuits pale in comparison. At present, passion seems to equate to a borderline obsession. Now, I am a proponent of “energize” – what or who gives you energy. Stage 2 Planning’s Josh Patrick and I revisit the passion topic. Tune in to the podcast to hear how to find what energizes you and how to keep that interest.

“And, Emily, what energizes you?”

Answer – Acting on my core value that people want to matter, be seen, and be heard. In my both personal and professional lives, I do this by listening, empathizing, comforting, guiding, and/or just showing up. For decades, I have volunteered for humanitarian efforts here and abroad (incl. US/Mexico border, Democratic Republic of Congo, Lesvos/Athens Greece). This month, I return to our border to work with other volunteers helping asylum seekers. I am humbled by those in need, the volunteers, and those who choose to support my efforts. My volunteerism is food for my soul, providing the nourishment of perspective, gratitude, humility, and God's grace.

The reading of Warsan Shire’s poem, HOME, by a member of The Aswat Ensemble (in April at The Othering and Belonging Conference in Oakland) is especially profound to me. PLEASE listen (she starts at the 7:45 mark) and/or read to learn why anyone would ever leave home.

“We can learn to see each other and see ourselves in each other and recognize that human beings are more alike than we are unalike.” - Maya Angelou

May we all continue to find fulfilling growth and connection. Peace, clarity, and joy to you and yours.

With warmth and gratitude – Emily

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There's No Such Thing As TMI - Tools for the New Year

Emily Scott — Tue, 29 Jan 2019 19:48:51 +0000

There’s No Such Thing As TMI - Tools for the New Year

I want to open with a personal story: I learned I have a hearing impairment (and tinnitus) at age 48. For years, I have had to pay closer attention to what people were saying and I increasingly asked questions to add clarity and context to conversations. Plus, between you and me, my hearing “auto-correct” is often hilarious, and nowhere near what the person said!

Taken out of context, hearing "there is no such thing as too much information," might sound unfortunate. Let me elaborate, and fast. When I consult with financial or philanthropic clients, I often start with the question, "What is your story?" followed by "There is no such thing as TMI." We are taught to self-censor, to keep it short, and I want the exact opposite to happen. Then I listen to their story, connecting the dots between who they are, from a values and mindset perspective, and the finance or philanthropic question at hand.

In my core, I believe everyone has a unique narrative and I am curious to learn that story. It turns out that this trait combined with the hearing loss makes me a superior listener. I dig deep into the mindsets and needs of my clients and their advisors. Thus, for me, there is no such thing as too much information.

I haven't written in a while (see, I listened to your request to not fill up your inbox!) and want to report I am still pursuing this passion of helping people with the human side of money. It's now a new year, and you likely have personal goals of 'getting your house' in order. I've consciously created, for take-home value, some advice based on my professional and personal experiences. What follows is an assembly of tools, and some guidance to help you on your journey to success.

Answer the hardest questions first

Change is inevitable. Major life events such as a death in the family, divorce, natural disaster, even a new year, prompt many people to ask more profound questions such as "What do I want to be known for when I die?" The reality is while we discuss an end of life will/estate plan, every client has used the knowledge gained in the present. In WHAT IS YOUR LEGACY, I detailed my story and the hard work of matching my values and intentions with my financial and philanthropic assets. I gained clarity and tranquility. To learn more about gaining peace of mind visit https://emilyscottand.com/legacy-exploration/

Start living your legacy now

With the toughest of all questions answered, you need to work your way backward to move forward. In DOES YOUR PHILANTHROPY REPRESENT WHO YOU ARE? I address the issue "Are you living the life you want to leave to others?" If you aren't living your legacy, there’s no time like the present. To explore living with more intention through philanthropy visit https://emilyscottand.com/philanthropic-direction/

Match your means with your values and interests

In creating my annual budget, I often review my spending in the past year and embrace THE BEAUTY OF BUDGETS. After all, I want to ensure my budget allows me to live my legacy now, and to its fullest. To learn about the process of financial prioritization visit https://emilyscottand.com/account-reconciliation/

In the last three years, what I have repeatedly seen in the business world is that people eagerly plan for their future with professionals from a rational perspective, but a view of the human side of money is lacking. We all have a money story that can either get in our way or benefit us. Either way, talking about it, learning about it, embracing it, makes for a more complete understanding and appreciation of who you are and how to merge the practical with the personal. The more information you gather, the more you can share with the professionals in your life as well as others who, you deem, need to know.

As Brene Brown famously said, “What we know matters, but who we are matters more.” My primary mission is to help individuals and families fully align aspects of their financial journey with their life’s purpose and values leading to a life of clarity, freedom, and joy.

It starts with a conversation.

Learn more Learn more

Winter Solstice Thoughts

Emily Scott — Tue, 25 Dec 2018 06:22:50 +0000

Winter Solstice and its message of reflection and renewal ended today. I posted each day for the 4 days…what follows is the collection of the 4 brief essays:

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day One

According to Forever Conscious, “The winter solstice celebrates the longest hours of darkness or the rebirth of the sun and is believed to hold powerful energy for regeneration, renewal, and self-reflection. In Pagan times the winter solstice was referred to as Yule and was a celebration of the Goddess (Moon) energy. It was believed that on this day, the moon would give birth to the sun.”

The winter solstice is a time of quiet energy, where you get the opportunity to look within yourself and focus on what you want and need. It’s a time to set goals and intentions for the coming year, to examine and let go of our past, and to make changes within ourselves. The solstice is essentially tied to personal awakening.

Thus the journey continues with this as the next step…and my moment of self-reflection tonight? My vulnerability is more than others realize, my resiliency is more than I realize…

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day Two

Reflection…the many layers of each of our lives and how they are constantly changing…as the saying, “you can’t be in the same river twice (for the water is constantly moving)”…what layers do we reveal to ourselves and what layers do we reveal to others…willingly or not? Are we daring to peel back the layers as they get more sensitive, more vulnerable, more scarily unknown? Do we put the outer layers back on for safety, for defense, for blissful ignorance?

And…are you open to asking, “what layers serve me well — even if the service is not of a positive nature, how am I being served? And does this layer makes sense to keep or is it time for gratitude followed by removal to the past lives/experience compost bin?

How does renewal come without shedding the layers that prevent the new skin from breathing air…what am I willing to leave behind in order to move forward?

WINTER SOLSTICE: Day Three

Looking forward — what do I see? Clarity? Vagueness? Are the images defined, a blur, or something in-between?

Looking forward — what do I feel? Fear? Excitement? Angst?

Can I follow my mantra of coming to the conversation curious? Can fear of the unknown be replaced by a wonderment for the unknown? YES. A resounding YES.

“Rejections will redirect you to more exciting roads. When you think your life is falling apart, it’s usually falling together in disguise. Your search will throw you on journeys you never would have dreamt of, in your mind and in the world.” -Charlotte Ericksson

WINTER SOLSTICE: Last Day

As the winter solstice ends, we are encouraged to seek renewal, experience birth/rebirth, move on with our thoughts, our revelations, our desires. What wisdom have you found in that deep vessel that is your inner being? What more are you wanting to explore? The barriers to your dreams, intentions, and goals are the ones you allow to enter your core.

Buddha says, “Three things cannot be hidden for long, the sun, the moon, and the truth.” What is your truth? How do you want to show up in the world?

“rise

said the moon

and the new day came” ― Rupi Kaur

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Photos Credit: Emily Scott

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Not Temporary and Not Shelter

Emily Scott — Wed, 21 Nov 2018 06:04:00 +0000

Photo Credit - Emily Scott

Last month, I traveled to El Paso (Texas) and Juarez (Mexico) to bear witness to the humanitarian crisis that continues to unfold and to volunteer with respite centers helping the migrants and asylum seekers.

When we hear of a child in a juvenile detention center, we wonder what was their crime — what did he/she do to be placed in detention? Right now, there are nearly 14,000 children in detention centers and shelters throughout this nation for crimes they did not commit. Either the children came to the United States with their parents who are legally seeking asylum and refuge from their homeland (which is not a crime) or were sent here for safety by loving and fearful parents. They did nothing wrong. Nor did their parents.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Not fake news. How I wish it was.

One of these facilities is in Tornillo Texas. Tornillo is in the middle of nowhere and far from residential or industrial areas so Americans don’t have to see it in their daily lives. As there is no public transport to Tornillo, unless you can afford your own car or a hired car, you cannot get (or leave) there.

On October 27th, we attended a peaceful protest rally outside the Tornillo confinements.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Our government calls it a tent city or a camp. I went to summer camp. This is not a camp. This is a prison for innocent children. Tornillo was deemed a temporary shelter for only 30 days for a few hundred children. That is a lie. It has been operational for far longer and it has grown five-fold in size, now able to hold thousands of children indefinitely. Which it does.

How do the children get here? Those in the know, those who have not blindly turned this page of our history and who have borne witness have described the trucks of children coming in the night. From where do they come?

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Ashley (a self-proclaimed Radical Social Worker) writes, “Children are taken in the middle of the night from licensed facilities and foster homes with operational and child welfare guidelines including education and adequate access to legal assistance, and moved to the tent city in Tornillo, with very little oversight, and little to no access to education and legal assistance. We have a situation where what was intended to be a shelter for a few hundred unaccompanied children to be operational for 30 days, is now a child prison, with little oversight and indefinite sentences.”

When we arrive, we are told that we cannot visit inside the facility. We are told that ICE is being “protective of their privacy.” That is fake news. How easy it is to dismiss nameless and faceless children. How easy to move on to the next topic of the day. Not so easy when you see sobbing children with fear in their eyes. Our tears shed as we thought of the children. Although we could not see them behind the stone and barbed wire walls, we knew the loneliness and despair and thus, the anguish and cruelty they were experiencing as we rallied to reunite and free their families.

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

The same language and the same tactics were used by the Nazis. Moving people in the middle of the night. Mothers being told that their children were being taken to get showers. Building their factories for human obliteration far from the public eye. Calling these buildings simply “camps.” The list goes on. My father’s family in Czechoslovakia never thought it could happen to them. Yet it did. We know it did. This is not fake news. How I wish it was.

If I am not reaching your heart with this destruction of humanity in the making, then perhaps I can reach your wallet. Tornillo costs the taxpayers/government approximately $100 million a month to run. Certainly, a significant portion of the cost is for personnel. Other costs include water trucks brought in repeatedly during the day to provide clean water and take the dirty water out. Electricity is insufficiently provided by generators. The great businessman that Agent Orange is (now that’s fake news) advocates that this is a scalable model for immigrant detention. $100 million monthly for 1 single, make-shift “temporary” facility.

The current administration created this humanitarian crisis of unaccompanied, entirely vulnerable migrant children through unlawful and forced family separation. There are confirmed abuses and even more allegations. We are talking about innocent children…the scars — emotional, mental, physical — are unfathomable and yet they must be owned by all of us who allow this to happen.

It is happening yet again. I was brought up with the mantra, “Never forget, never let it happen again.” This I was told as I learned about the murders of my paternal family at Nazi concentration camps. As I said in the Congo, as I said in Lesvos, Greece, as I said when I bore witness and volunteered in other parts of the world, it is happening again. So why the silence? And it is happening not on other continents, not in other countries; it is happening right here on American soil, in our own country.

How many times has this happened in the short time our country has been in existence? We have discriminated against people of color since our nation’s beginning. As other examples, we attacked the Native Americans (completely decimating their way of life), the Catholics, the Irish, the Italians, the Japanese (forcing hundreds of thousands living in the U.S. into internment camps), then the Jews, then the Muslims, and now people of the Americas from the south seeking asylum here.

Who is next? Your group? Will you then scream into the wind, “This is not fake news?”

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

How you can help

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

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Aren’t You Seeking a Better Life?

Emily Scott — Sun, 18 Nov 2018 06:27:03 +0000

In full disclosure, I lead 2 lives — distinct from each other. I have that luxury. And it is, indeed, a luxury to have these 2 concurrent lives.

Last month, the difference in these 2 worlds was glaring. In San Francisco, with 4 schools in a 2-block radius of my home, I watched the many parents, nannies, and housekeepers dropping their children off and picking them up at the end of the day. I call it “the parent trap” as it is almost impossible to maneuver around the ever diligent and caring adults.

Also last month, I went to El Paso (Texas) and Juarez (Mexico) to bear witness to the humanitarian crisis of migrants seeking asylum and to volunteer at respite centers helping the families. I saw the fear, worry, and anxiety on all their faces — young and old. I watched the many parents desperately struggling to create a better life for their children.

On the Paso del Norte Bridge sidewalk heading to the American border, I walked past the never-ending line of families praying to be safe in my country.

I was greeted by the Border Police who carried AK47s (earlier in the day, they wore full riot gear) who seemed immune to the tears and pleas of help. How much of their indifference was due to their accustomization to the scene or an act of self-preservation?

Some group members and I volunteered at Annunciation House — an almost completely volunteer-driven respite center for those families who have come over the border. While the families were from different countries, El Salvador, Cuba, Guatemala, Honduras, Brazil, to name a few, they were united in caring for and being protective of one another, as well as grateful for any help or kindness offered to them. The men were respectful to other adults and fatherly to all the children, not just their own. The women were helping each other with their infants and young children and doing whatever needed to be done.

They were polite as they waited in line for the meals which we served. They were patient as I, not able to speak Spanish, fumbled in trying to communicate. The children shyly asked for water, a piece of fruit or a snack, and often for another child or adult and not themselves. The dining room was filled with volunteers from the USA and refugees from elsewhere — all treating each other with respect, care, and simple human decency.

The food we served was either lovingly made or bought by El Pasoans. Not a single morsel was from federal or grant money. For years, the citizens of El Paso have donated their time, treasure, and talent to take care of the families who, again I repeat, want a better life for their families and who are escaping from highly dangerous environments, rampant poverty, and/or political instability.

I noticed men reading comics and elementary schoolbooks to begin learning English. I watched the fathers and mothers protectively watching their children play on the small asphalt area behind the building while also hanging up their newly hand washed clothes to dry in the hot Texan sun.

Hundreds of families come and go from the Annunciation House. Each family chooses from the assortment of clothes and toiletries that have been donated and is offered medicines that are needed. Infant care supplies are available and generously donated. When it comes time for a family to leave for the next part of their journey, volunteers create as robust a care package as possible.

Much more is needed. Given the large number of families in need, all donations are quickly depleted. As generous as the owner of the building has been to donate the space, there are many repairs that would be helpful. The stove and oven don’t work. The kitchen sink’s plumbing backs up. Another refrigerator would be incredibly helpful. The list goes on and on…

Soon it will be cold. El Paso is almost 4,000 feet above sea level and November will bring the nighttime temperatures to an average of 40 degrees.

While we were in El Paso and Juarez, ICE announced their new decision to stop working with the various charitable organizations and determined that their best course of action is to now abandon families — regardless of the health conditions of the young and the old — in downtown El Paso bus stations in the middle of the night.

Let that sink in. Rather than work with volunteers and nonprofits to provide a shred of human decency, ICE has chosen to be particularly cruel to human beings desperately wanting better and safer lives for their families. And these people, who are not told a thing about where they are going, what they should do next, how and where they can find help, are the “lucky ones.” Think about that. And while you are doing that, please also think about how you are seeking a better life for you and your loved ones.

I wonder if those parents picking up their children from the schools near me ask themselves this question.

What would you do to make that happen?

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Photos Credit: Emily Scott

Money Mindset: Did You or Did You Not Contribute to His Success?

Emily Scott — Wed, 09 May 2018 16:52:13 +0000

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

Among the many things that occur for me between the year-end and the year-beginning is the review of what I call my financial recipe. The ingredients of this recipe include my budget (actual and planned), my philanthropic contributions (actual and planned), the income forecast for the coming year, tax preparation, and an examination of the alignment of my values with my money. As with any recipe, the ingredients are all mixed up and baked together: the past year with the new year, the personal expenses with the professional expenses, the expected budget with the actual balance sheet, and the intellectual with the emotional. It is the latter – the realistic versus the irrational – that always catches me by surprise.

Tangent: My Bag Lady Syndrome (I have mentioned this in other blogs), which, by the way, affects nearly 50% of women in the United States (according to a 2014 study by Allianz Insurance), is about as emotional vs. intellectual as you can get.

Two things happened in the last 12 months that caught me by surprise – me, someone who has been very conscious of the emotional side of money for decades. The first: my father died in April at 96, and my mother turned 92 in June. I realized that my genetics coupled with my relatively healthy lifestyle could potentially push my age far longer than I anticipated.

I went back to my life’s financial plan (not to be confused with my yearly plan) to adjust for my longevity. The domino effect is obvious to me; my wealth needs to be spread out over more time, which means I have to re-evaluate not just my annual budget but my investment strategy as well. While this is all fabulously practical, the emotional side of the equation made me gulp as I realized that my funds and my spending must be altered by the 30% increase in my life span. “Mama needs a new pair shoes,” quickly disappeared from my dialogue.

The second: I heard the echo of my ex-husband’s comments about our financial picture when we were separated and going to marriage counseling; that he would have been just as successful with or without me. (Why the echo now, I’ll explain in just a bit.) I wasn’t surprised by his ownership of the money as it is common for the breadwinner to have this perspective. I was hurt, and then indignant, by his belief that I did nothing to contribute to his success, especially since he’d always claimed otherwise.

The debater in me wanted to point to all the ‘evidence’ that proved otherwise. And I have lots of it; including emails from the very man himself extolling my virtues and help. Here’s the deal – our marriage ended over 4 years ago, so this is an absolutely moot point.

The rub, the punch in the gut, of being told I was not a contributing member of the partnership goes to the core of how I viewed my identity for 20 years. His words infiltrated my self-worth. It took serious work on my part to get the missing links back in line. Included in those absent pieces was reconnecting with what I do well, appreciating and recognizing my own skills and talents. For the most part, the effort was worth it. My metaphor for the healing process: I went from an amputated arm, to a broken arm, to a broken wrist, to a broken finger, to, at present, a hangnail. You know, that ‘something’ that just seems to catch on ‘something’ that causes you to say “ouch.”

So why now – why did this echo rebound years later? Over the last year, this sentiment, this fear, this wound has come up for many of my clients during our discussions. I am astounded by the number of divorced (or divorcing) women wading through this question of identity and worth. What did they add to the equation for all those years? That’s what they’re asking themselves, and me. I am not alone in this vortex.

I discussed this phenomenon with a woman I respect immensely, Joan DiFuria, founding partner, of Money, Meaning, and Choices; on how one moves forward. The minute she used the word, “reframe,” I sat up and took notice, as this is one of my favorite tools, personally and professionally.

Reframing: Our thought process often gets in our own way and if we can redirect the thought – reframe – we then have an opportunity to add new information into the equation.

Joan said, “What are the actions you take to reframe? You acknowledge that if you don’t get recognized, it doesn’t mean you need to devalue your contribution. Fair is not the objective.” In other words, you need to come to terms with your needs and your worth, on your own or with professional help. Trust yourself for you deserve it. Joan added, “What we can’t recognize, we can’t change.”

I spend a lot of time with my clients, interviewing them to learn their story, their narrative. Together, we combine what they think their narrative is with what others think their narrative is. The epiphany occurs when we parse out the conjectures of others within the portrayal of ourselves. As they say, everyone is entitled to their perspective. That’s the entitlement – it’s their perspective, not the universal truth.

Interestingly, one of my recent female clients is the breadwinner of the family. We’ve talked about the balance of financial power, the respect needed on both sides for each partner’s contribution to the family. It’s not binary, it’s multi-complex. Cultural and societal norms, familial backgrounds, how we value money, how we assess the power of money, how we define work and partnership, and how we incorporate our own experiences are just part of a long list of questions to explore. These are the ingredients that make up our approach to finances, our personal sense of worth.

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Volatility is Back

Emily Scott — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 22:52:46 +0000

“Volatility is back,” a Portfolio Manager from First Fiduciary Trust declared at a business lunch last week. She and the subsequent panel speakers were talking about the recent plunges and surges in the stock market. After more than a year of rising stock prices and very low (if any) volatility in the market, the last couple of weeks have proven that those calm waters may be a thing of the past. Uncertainty once again rules the market, and therefore our financial wellbeing.

Normally, the market fluctuations and the declaration of rising volatility would send me into an emotional tailspin. My bag lady syndrome would take over my entire being, panic would set in, and I’d run for cover (under the sheets). Weird that I’ve been calm. Odd that I haven’t thought about converting all of my holdings to cash and then stashing the bills under my mattress. Surprising that, in response, I haven’t sold my designer clothing, the artwork on my walls, the walls themselves. Even a recent date told me about his stock selling frenzy (before the markets rebounded), and how nervous he is about the markets. I assured him that this was a blip on the radar screen; I told him not to panic. I lectured about how the media is creating an artificial panic by focusing on the point drop rather than the percentage drop (minimal) in the stock market. I added that the fundamentals remained sound and the economy was not in a freefall. I can’t begin to describe how unusual my reaction is for me. I’m actually amazed that my portfolio manager didn’t call me to ask why I didn’t call her; as she knows how low my risk tolerance is.

Am I delusional? Have I drunk too much of the “Investing-is-a-good-thing” Kool-Aid? Am I in shock? Am I in denial?

No, no, no and no.

Four years ago, when I became a divorced woman, I reexamined what was important to me from a financial perspective. I had to as, suddenly, my life was dependent on “my” money, not “our” money, which, just in case it is not abundantly obvious, is an infinitely smaller pot. Taking pen to paper, I wrote in caps and in bold: FINANCIAL SECURITY AND PEACE OF MIND. I created every possible QuickBooks report that would reflect my financial portfolio. I then constructed an annual budget I could likely afford. I took all this information to a financial planner and said, “How long will this last, assuming a very low return on my investments and this level of spending? AND, read my top line carefully, as I am serious about my financial security and peace of mind.”

We argued about the low return I insisted she use, as she thought it was way too low. I explained to her that I needed, on an emotional basis, to look at a potential worst-case scenario. If I was financially secure in that illustration, I would be even more secure in a higher returns situation. NOTE: Okay, there are worst cases – another Depression, Armageddon, nuclear war, etc. I can't even go there because even if I were to squirrel all my dollars under my bed, that would get me nowhere in those devastations. Even my Bag Lady can’t go there.

According to her prediction, I was good to go until sometime in my 90’s. Okay, I thought, I’m prepared. I’m prepared because I’ve put my affairs in order from the vantage points of the intellectual and emotional sides of my money. And, as I used a low rate of return in the predictive model of my finances/life, when the market volatility recently returned, I was able to go back to my report and find comfort in that ‘security blanket.’

That was all well and good until last year when I suddenly had several unexpected expenses come my way, including the new tax law, which increased my annual costs by 50%. So much for my budget. My knee-jerk reaction? Sell my home, take money off the table in my illiquid real estate investment, improve my annual cash flow, and move into a studio apartment. This makes perfect sense considering my bag lady syndrome, so, to the real estate section, I went in search of a tiny place I could afford.

But here’s the deal; I love my home, it’s my sanctuary, it’s the sanctuary of others as well, and, yes, while it is only property, it is only a ‘thing’, I really didn’t want to leave it just yet.

My next reaction? Go back to the budget. The filtering question: What can be taken away?

This was reality time, people. I had to own up to my expenditures. What did I have to spend each month on necessities? What did I want to spend on various luxuries? What was need vs. want? Not only did I examine my living expenses, I paid close attention to services I was outsourcing. What was I capable of doing myself, and what did I need (or want) to pay others to do for me?

Case in point: I pay a professional portfolio manager a lot of money to recommend and manage my investments. I have an MBA; I worked on Wall Street; and I understand the markets, asset allocation, and investment theory. I’ve not only invested my own money, I invested other people’s money as well.

Here’s what I learned: I’m horrible when it comes to my own investing. All my objectivity is overpowered by my emotions. Put a little pressure on me and the panicked bag lady comes out in full force. I once said, “My version of asset allocation is to put all your money under several mattresses, not just one.” The people in the room--this I said during a quarterly review meeting with my ex-husband and our financial managers--laughed…I was only semi-kidding.

Could I save money investing my own money? Perhaps. This assumes that my intellectual capability could win over my risk-averse/financial security fear incapacity. I am aware of the difference between risk (“known unknowns”) and uncertainty (“unknown unknowns”) which hinders my investing clarity. This also assumes that my life wouldn’t be utterly consumed 24/7 by my watching the markets like a hawk. Do I really want to watch CNN 24/7, a station I avoid like the plague? Do I want to bet my PEACE OF MIND on being better than the professionals; who watch/research/model investments for a living? No and no.

And this is where telling the truth to yourself is vitally important. This is where the judgment of others falls short.

My clients and I discuss their assets from these vantage points: values, priorities, fears, wants, and needs. The acceptance of what you have, of what you are dealing with, from an all-inclusive perspective. My premise is that when we open to a broader picture, we are more likely to embrace our decisions.

This is why I haven’t panicked…yet. I know me. If the markets continue to roller-coaster (which I never liked riding even as a kid), I know I will have all sorts of reactions and probably few will be as calm as what I am experiencing now. After all, my portfolio manager is on speed dial.

How we don’t give ourselves TMI

Emily Scott — Thu, 08 Feb 2018 17:32:33 +0000

Years ago, when I was married to the President of a Fortune 500 company, I went to a black-tie event at the San Francisco De Young Museum. For whatever reason, it had been a bad day. As I walked into the reception, the first people I came upon were two of San Francisco’s A-List socialites who I thought, in my naivete, were friends. Politely, they asked me how I was. That their eyes protruded in horror, that their jaws clenched, that their entire bodies recoiled did not stop me from giving them the full report on how I was, in full detail. The next day, I told a real friend, who howled in response, then schooled me. “Emily, the answer is ‘fine’ or, if you have to say something else, ‘don’t ask.’” And then she proclaimed, “All of San Francisco’s A-List is being told, ‘Don’t ask Emily how she is.’” We joke about it to this day. She trained me well, for the only people who know how I really am are my besties – a small handful of wonderfully loving, empathetic, and interested friends.

Today, in my session with my coach, I learned how much I was keeping from myself, how few truthful details I was really noticing. The ‘too much information’ (TMI) I had stopped relaying wasn’t just in social communications as I moved along in the world, but also to myself. She threw open the door to the houseful, not roomful, of information that I’d buried, compartmentalized, and lied about to myself. I had become polite, surface, socially acceptable to the one person I couldn’t afford to be that way with, me.

Here is a label my coach uses, that I think captures the problem: “weather reporter.” This is who we are when we look at ourselves, our experiences, our thoughts, our feelings and report them rather than actually own them. And here’s why that’s bad: Revealing our information to ourselves, really connecting with it, allows us to better understand the personal patterns that don’t do us any favors, i.e. aren’t getting us what we want, whether it be happiness, success, relationships, financial stability, etc.

While mulling this insight over, I reflected on Brene Brown’s (love her!!) work on shame and guilt. Brene (how I wish we were on a first name basis) defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” She goes on to say, “Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame leaves women feeling trapped, powerless and isolated.” Guilt, according to Brene, “is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.”

Was I giving myself weather reports, so I could avoid feeling unworthy? Ashamed? Guilty? Uncomfortable in any number of ways?

In the work I’ve done post-divorce to move forward in my life (happily I will add), I owned up to a lot of personal garbage, the pain I experienced during my marriage and divorce, along with the slings and arrows I dodged (or wasn’t smart/fast enough to dodge) throughout the regular course of my life. I hadn’t expected to fail in my marriage, I hadn’t expected people in my inner circle to dump me as well, so clearly, I needed to figure out my role (recommendation, Maybe It’s You by Lauren Zander). I dove into my painful baggage headfirst, waded through a ton; so much so that I refer to my current life as Emily 6.0. The “ha-ha on me” moment came today when my coach opened the houseful of stuff that I hadn’t yet owned. Major ouch. It’s so not easy, this seeing yourself for who you really are.

When I sit with potential clients, I tell them quickly, “We’re going to be in a sacred and safe place, judgement free, and there’s no such thing as TMI. Accurate, personal information is exactly what we need in order to have your legacy plan, and/or your philanthropy represent who you truly are.” I go on to describe how we self-judge, how we edit our thoughts and feelings, how critical we are of ourselves.

Oh, how insidious self-criticism is, no area of our life is safe from it. We know we’re supposed to love/like our children equally and if we don’t, we would never ever admit that to anyone for fear of being called the worst parent ever. Hard to create an estate plan if you aren’t going to own your feelings and then figure out what you want to do about it.

We know cancer is a killer and decide we’re horrible people if we don’t want to donate to end that scourge. Hard to create a meaningful philanthropic plan if you aren’t open to investing in and donating to your passions even while acknowledging the many other issues that confront our lives, the many ills that befall mankind and our world.

Here’s what happens when I encourage my clients to tell me how they’re really feeling, to allow themselves to speak freely without those social constraints. First her proverbial toe dips in the water. Then, as she experiences encouragement to speak more, her body gets comfortable in the pool. Soon she’s swimming laps. The shoulders go down, the facial worry lines relax. That’s the moment our work can really be transformative. That’s when our intimate discussion of what will happen in the future (ex., the estate plan for after death), the resultant openness and revelation of how she truly feels, changes her life in the present. That’s when she is able to accept herself for who she is and own her true desires.

I’ve always been interested in people, about what makes them act and think the way they do. Intuitively and instinctively, I know the questions to ask that will allow for deeper feelings and thoughts to emerge. Listening to their answers, their fears and hopes, I feel great compassion for all their complexities. What I don’t do well, and I would postulate others don’t do as well, is practice self-compassion.

Kristin Neff (love her too) defines self-compassion as “extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Self-compassion as being composed of three main components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.” She continues to explain that compassion for oneself is the same as the compassion one has for others, “self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself.”

Oh, do I have work to do, which is why, I suppose, I hired a coach.

I look at my problems and dismiss them as “first world or luxury problems.” Easy for me to do for I’ve participated in many humanitarian trips all over the world and have witnessed, up close and personal, “real” problems. My standard line about the problems in my life is, “There’s not a woman in the Congo who says, ‘your life is too difficult, I’ll stay where I am.’” I have a very healthy dose of perspective and know how fortunate I am to have the life I have. You probably do too.

Here’s the problem with lucky people like us. We tend to view self-compassion as self-pity. Or maybe that’s just me. I went many rounds with a previous coach on this topic and refused to align my thinking with hers; I just couldn’t see self-compassion from her perspective. One day she said to me, “What would you say to your friend who came to cry on your shoulder about what was happening to her – her husband suddenly not wanting to be married, her cousin abandoning her, her best friend betraying her by going after her husband, another close friend dumped her to ‘follow the money’?” “Oh my God,” I said, “I’m so sorry. I’m here for you and will be as supportive and loving 24/7 as you need me to be.” My coach then handed me a mirror and said, “You’re now your friend. Repeat those words to you, your new friend.” And with that, I got it.

Apparently, I needed the reminder, thus my new coach’s revelation. I trust that you do too.

That’s why I implore my clients (and the other people I love) to ignore the fear of TMI. That’s why I encourage all of them to trust, own, and relate their feelings and thoughts about their wealth. We all need a person with whom we can be our true selves, without the trepidation of “it” coming back to haunt us. Here’s what you need to know at a very core level: while I guide you through the process, serve as your facilitator and confidante, what you tell me will never be used against you, won’t be brought up in a fight, won’t change my opinion of you. Not ever. I’m a vault and I hold your most valuable treasure – you – safely. And maybe when you’re done, you’ll feel less inclined to be a weather reporter in your own life. Wouldn’t that be nice.

"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and, judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive." Brene Brown

©Emily Scott

The Value of Mindfulness

Emily Scott — Mon, 04 Dec 2017 15:23:00 +0000

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

The tagline of my business is “Your values, vision, and money,” which makes the first question I ask my clients natural and obvious: “What are your values?” Ah, you say, what do you mean by values? Values are the fundamental beliefs a person holds, which can serve as a guiding force in one’s life. I’m with the many gurus and philosophers who believe that knowing your values and acting in concert with them is key to happiness and success.

A key piece of the work we do together, my clients and I, is to evaluate whether their values and priorities are reflected in their legacy planning, philanthropy, and spending. For instance, if they claim to value the environment, are they donating to nonprofits specifically focused on any of the environmental issues such as land use, water, forestry, or global warming? Simply put, is their inner life brought forth in their outer life; that’s the question. This alignment is what we curate and as their thought partner, I strive to help them achieve this objective. Here’s the big take home point: We create mental conflict for ourselves when our values and our actions are in opposition.

Recently, someone asked the same question of me. It’s all well and good that I spend my days exploring values, but what are mine?

Ten years ago, I wrote out my values list. Curious, I went back to see if my values had remained the same and indeed they had. I believe that values can change over time as we grow, gain experience, and learn. That being said, I continue to work on the alignment between my values and my daily life. I think that job is never really done. I thought I might share what I rediscovered on that long-forgotten list.

The first value I wrote is mindfulness.

I chuckle at the memory. When I wrote this list, which I did in conjunction with my husband (now ex), he’d written in that very slot, “Strive for perfection, go for the gusto, be the best you can be.”

When we compared our lists, this glaring difference seemed to explain a source of conflict. We approached decision making very differently, and because of this, we often butted heads. At the time, we came to appreciate that, by combining these different values and perspectives, we were capable of making much better decisions. That is, if we were willing to be patient with each other’s approach. I remember thinking, “Well, that’s mindfulness at work right there!”

Mindfulness also played a role in how I thought (and still think) about spending. While my ex-husband’s normal response was “We can afford it,” I would say, “Is this how we want to spend our money?” We were fortunate in that our disposable income allowed for luxuries, the kind that far too many couldn’t even consider. Yet, I grew up with a depression-era mother who instilled in me the value of being mindful about spending. She helped me understand the tradeoffs and choices, for example, whether to save money for a special occasion or spend my allowance on something that would give me immediate satisfaction.

How is mindfulness reflected in my daily life now? In some ways, it’s a subtle undercurrent, and in other ways, overt. The subtle ways I would call part of my personality; I’m in my head a lot and think longer about an issue, a situation, a plan, a friend, a blog than probably anyone should. It is with conscious mindfulness (the more overt variety) that I keep track of and acknowledge my friends’ important events, for I want them to know their importance to me.

Between subtle and overt is the “in general” course of action. Often, my approach to a problem is to reflect, think of different scenarios, ask others for their perspective, and to gather data. Mindful, to me, is the opposite of impetuous, reactive. It’s much more about going in, exploring how an idea sits with me, what it requires of me, and others. Of course, there are times when my gut instinct has the easy and obvious answer. And, unfortunately, there are still too many instances where my knee jerk reaction is what I act on; rarely is that outcome good.

My observation – which perhaps you share as well – is that rash action is the antithesis of mindfulness. Those rash actions, those are the ones that get us into trouble, that derail us, that get us thrown completely off course. One day we wake up, and we don’t know how we got where we are.

The very conscious, or overt, acts of mindfulness are the best parts of me. Taking this value and acting on it in my daily life has proven, time and time again, to bring me joy.

I often talk about “coming to the conversation curious,” the idea being that when you approach something with an open mind, the amount of information, understanding, and enlightenment you are rewarded with is off the charts. When you come to the conversation curious, that’s when you truly connect. I will say that when I practice what I preach, the outcome is full abundance. Still a work in progress, I make it a point—I’m married to the concept--of coming to the conversation mindful, curious; open to the possibilities, the choices. When I betray this value, nothing good comes of it. I find myself dissatisfied.

Perhaps this struggle of merging my inner life with my outer life is why I admire people who have found alignment between the two. I think of Dr. Denis Mukwege in the Democratic Republic of Congo, a man I call my Ghandi. His deep value of holding precious the human life has had him working tirelessly for over 20 years, mending thousands of women and girls who’ve been brutally raped and tortured. His eyes are bloodshot, his body shows signs of fatigue, his heart and soul are scarred by what he has witnessed. He has survived death threats and attacks and he is now unable to come and go as he pleases. Yet, even with the many sacrifices, he has found deep satisfaction and joy because he has never wavered from his values.

When we think of someone who has his/her act together or seems so grounded, is he/she displaying the alignment of values and behaviors? Is that what resonates with us? When we think of our heroes, of the people we deeply respect and want to emulate, is part of that the ideal that they “walk their talk?” Is that what we’re after? For me, I would say yes.

You don’t get there without carefully considering your values and living by them.

Does Your Philanthropy Represent Who You Are?

Emily Scott — Fri, 12 May 2017 15:37:51 +0000

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom” - Socrates

A few weeks ago, I attended the AiP conference (Advisors in Philanthropy) for business professionals engaged in various philanthropic advisory practices. For two days, I was among others in the space in which I now live – helping people engage in philanthropy. I was surprised by two things: the research data that shows this conversation isn’t happening as much as clients want it to happen, and the many professionals who don’t know how to initiate the conversation, let alone have it in greater length. Given that my work is all about the conversation and collaborating with exactly the type of professionals assembled in the room, I couldn’t give my card out fast enough.

Do any of the following key findings resonate with you?

The 2016 U.S.Trust Study of High Net Worth Philanthropy key findings include:

In 2016 59% of the general US population donated to charity.
91% of high net worth households donated to charity.
While 83% of wealthy donors plan to increase their giving, women, African Americans, and younger individuals are likely to give even more in the future.
50% of wealthy individuals volunteered their time and talent to charitable organizations.
The number one challenge to charitable giving was “Identifying what I care about and deciding what to donate to.”
There is a high correlation between charitable giving and knowledge levels.
While there is a strong desire to engage next generations, few do (28%).

And my favorite statistics:

34% of affluent individuals want to have THE VALUES conversations at the first meeting with you and 90% agree it should occur within the first several meetings.

In reality, according to a 2013 study by TPI/US, clients felt that advisors brought up the subject only 17% of the time.

Why my favorites? This is exactly what ES-Power of And is all about. Who are you and how does your philanthropy represent who you are. It is not surprising that people give more when they are knowledgeable. I would add that people would give even more if they tapped into what was personally important to them.

So, how does this conversation happen?

Start with the premise of “coming to the conversation curious.” As I often say, when you approach a conversation with complete openness, it allows for more information to flow.

Asking high gain questions results in more feelings and thoughts to emerge.

Spend the time in dialog around values, principles, priorities, passions.

What is heart based? What is intellectually interesting? What in your life, your ancestry, your future generations are important to you? Do you have an affinity for certain areas of interest? Do you feel grateful to anything or anyone in particular?

What motivates you? What is your time horizon? How do you want to interact with others?

Notice something? Not one of the above questions relates to “how much money do you want to give?” My premise is that until you spend the time learning about your passions, values, interests, etc., donating your treasure, time, and talent will not be fulfilling. Given that being philanthropic is 100% choice – you don’t “have” to be charitable - why have it be anything but meaningful to you?

I describe this as your personal Venn diagram. When you combine your values/principles, your passions, with data and information, the intersection of the three is your personal Venn diagram.

My own work 14 years ago is an illustration. My passions included seemingly disparate areas – disadvantaged youth, empowering women and girls, and animal welfare. As I thought deeply about my values and principles, the concept of resilience emerged. As I looked at my three passions, the common thread was the resiliency in each of these areas. From there, I spent a great deal of time learning about the areas, understanding more of the problems, and how I could participate and/or make an impact.

Take the journey to discover what is deep within you. After your exploration, think about how you want to invest your time, treasure, and talent. What is the best way for you to show up in the world?

What to do When Someone Asks for Your Time and Talent

Emily Scott — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 15:41:36 +0000

Mindful | Photo Credit: Emily Scott

You are a busy person. You juggle so many balls in the air, you could join a circus with your prowess. You are highly networked. You are also a philanthropist. You advocate for causes important to you. YOU are exactly the person I would ask to join my board if I was a nonprofit.

Why? I believe, if you want to get things done, ask a busy person to do them. If that person has learned to say “no,” and says “yes” to you, you can be almost certain it will get done. Combine that with their vast assembly of people and financial contribution to the nonprofit world, and they will be the winning combination of time, talent, and treasure.

It’s cringe-worthy to think of my early board experiences. I joined several boards for the wrong reasons (a large donation, a friend asked, my ex-husband insisted, perceived prominence, etc.). I didn’t do my due diligence to learn the board dynamics, governance policies, fiduciary responsibilities, and so on. In two cases, I didn’t even sit down with the Executive Director or Board Chair to see if my passion aligned with the organization’s mission. Talk about learning lessons the hard way!

So, just how do thoughtful, smart, savvy philanthropists say “no” when asked to share their time and talents in the nonprofit world?

“I say no for the use of my time and talent just as I say no when it comes to my donations. If I don’t have robust passion for the mission, I express my appreciation for being asked, and decline because they deserve someone on their board who will be enthusiastic about their mission.”

“A board role is a job and I treat the initial process as I would if it was a paying job. I interview them, they interview me. I ask to sit in on some committee or full board meetings when possible, before making the decision. If it isn’t a good fit, they know it and I know it. ‘No’ becomes a nonevent.”

“If I am not prepared to fully extend myself - talk about the organization with everyone I know, ask others for funding, serve on committees, etc. – then I am letting myself and the organization down. I would rather know that upfront and am very honest with myself and with them about why I am saying ‘no.’”

“I'm very clear about boards at this point in that I don't want to be on another... possibly ever. Time is dear, and I have less bandwidth than I used to. ‘Bandwidth’ has become one of my favorite words.”

“In the early days of my philanthropy, I was afraid that if I didn't say "yes" that I would not be asked again and that everything would pass me by. I guess I suffered from FOMOphobia (FOMO is Fear Of Missing Out - I know, that phobia means "fear of", but there was a lot of fear). Over time, I learned that just because you decline an "opportunity" today, doesn't mean that it won't come back tomorrow (sometimes with greater force).”

“I choose to significantly participate with organizations where I believe in the cause, that is a good steward of resources, and where I can make a difference. This consumes 75% of my giving, I will be on their Boards, and use my skillset to advance their missions. If any of these objectives aren’t met, I say no easily.”

“I prioritize my family responsibilities and that is the point from which I decline. I wish them well, say no and then feel guilty.”

In his book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown writes, “Make your peace with the fact that saying “no” often requires trading popularity for respect.” He continues with, “…when someone asks for something and doesn’t get it, his or her immediate reaction may be annoyance or disappointment or even anger. This downside is clear. The potential upside, however, is less obvious: when the initial annoyance or disappointment or anger wears off, the respect kicks in. When we push back effectively, it shows people that our time is highly valuable.”

I now have close to 25 years of nonprofit board experience. I have discovered whether an organization wants my treasure only or the trifecta of what I can bring to the table. I know what I am capable of and what more I need to learn. Saying “no” has saved time and a misuse of resources on both sides. It keeps the door open for an organization to find a better fit to accomplish their mission, and it keeps the door open for me to associate with an organization whose mission aligns with my passion.

To Give or Not To Give: How to Say No when Asked for a Donation

Emily Scott — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 19:38:26 +0000

Photo Credit: Emily Scott

When asked what one of the bigger personal challenges a philanthropist faces, the answer often is “saying no when asked for funding, board participation, or a time commitment.” At The Philanthropy Workshop, where I am an alumna, we refer to this as the investment of our time, treasure, and talent.

I wrestled – and still do – with the donation question, especially when a friend is making the request. I have made huge mistakes, have had unrealistic expectations, and have learned some of the lessons the hard way. When I was President of our family foundation, the very first thing our new Executive Director said to me was, “I am here to say “no” for you so you don’t have to,” which provided instant relief for me, and some degree of job security for her!

As one would expect, there are multiple ways to decline a contribution request.

Here are a few insights of some wise, caring, thoughtful philanthropists:

"I have an allocation portfolio for my charitable giving. Whenever a friend or family member asks for a donation to something which isn’t in my portfolio, I always give a little as I want to be supportive. Due to my funding constraints, I rarely give the full amount that is asked. I include an explanation, such as, “You are very important to me and I respect that this cause is important to you. I appreciate that you believe this is a worthwhile organization and I trust you. While it is not my passion, I want to be supportive of your efforts. I have money set aside for just this reason. I cannot give you the full amount as I want to be there for others in similar situations. Thank you for asking me to contribute."
“I now say, ‘I'd love to, but I can't.’ It has the virtue of being true, being respectful, honoring the request, and setting a good boundary. I have found that it is as much a gift to the asker -- whether it be a development person, a friend, a board member -- to be clear and not squishy. This is hard. Some of us need to please, and this helps no one, least of all ourselves.”
“The donation ask is the hardest for me because we all have plenty of resources. I have sort of a baseline contribution I will make in honor of friends. Beyond that, when asked for something that takes me off task, I'll generally use language such as ‘We're fully committed’ or ‘We're stretched pretty thin’ or ‘I can't take this on, but I wish you the best of luck.’”
“I always try to remember and start with the dubiously attributed Mark Twain quote: ‘If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.’”
“We set aside a very small proportion of funds to accommodate unexpected requests to support ‘friends and furries.’ Since we set the rules for this process, we can always bend them, but this structure makes it easier for us to decline a request using language like ‘we are committed for this year, but tell me more so we can consider this for next year…’”
“I have 3 categories for my philanthropy and the third category is friends and family. This category consumes 5-10% of my overall giving. We lay out the budget in January and track against it so I can’t give if we are fully committed. If a really good friend asks for $10, I give $2. I used to fret about saying no but I’ve found that, while they may be disappointed, the friendships endure if you are authentic and responsive.”

In his book, Essentialism, The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown writes, “Remember that a clear “no” can be more graceful than a vague or noncommittal “yes.” He adds, “Being vague is not the same as being graceful, and delaying the eventual “no” will only make it that much harder – and the recipient that much more resentful.”

A note to acknowledge the other side – the ask. Given my extensive list of passions, I could easily ask my network for a donation to a different organization every day of the year. I have vetted each nonprofit and know that they are of value to the area of need in which they operate. When I was told “no,” I used to think “how can you possibly say no, don’t you care about ___?” It took me a long time to recognize that my passion is MY passion and simply may not resonate with others. Combine that with financial constraints, donation fatigue, etc. I now have more compassion and appreciation for those who decline my request.

Hopefully, I never get used to saying “no.” Supporting the people in my life is one of my core principles. My showing up with curiosity, authenticity, empathy, mindful intention, and gratitude needs to be consistent. It is what I want when the roles are reversed.

I do know that I would rather hear “no” then hear nothing. Silence is not always golden.

Noise and Clutter

Emily Scott — Fri, 10 Mar 2017 17:20:46 +0000

©EmilyScott

Lately, I have been talking about the noise and clutter that exists in the world and its distraction from what we need/want to pay attention to. The ruse of loudness and the promise of possessions has let our eyes and minds veer from our priorities.

I have a vivid memory of my mother standing in the doorway of my teenage-trinket-troll-laden bedroom asking, “how can you think in all this clutter?” She was right, my mind wandered and my eyes surveyed not the homework I was to focus on but on the ‘stuff’ that surrounded me.

Recently a dear friend, Alan Storey, who describes himself as a gospel story teller, said in his Sunday sermon, “the devil is the cacophony of noises within ourselves.” He went on to explain that the word devil in Greek means deceiver and that we are wrestling within ourselves for the truth.

People who can jump from “point A” to “point Z” faster than the rest of us have always impressed me. Those who can laser focus on the details that are important to move towards a solution, for example, and ignore the clutter of unnecessary information. Those who can read the math test questions that are story problems and quickly determine the needed facts to arrive at the answer while the rest of us consider how many people are sitting on the train.

For adults with disposable income, the opportunity to attract and attain noise and clutter is even greater. For many of us, we race to yoga and meditative practices for mindfulness and health, which seems to be somewhat paradoxical.

Years ago, a friend and I were shopping and she found a sweater she liked. When she asked, “do I really need this, “my response was, “we passed need a long time ago.”

When you don’t ‘need’ to do something – create a budget for example – what compels you to act? I would offer that perhaps the need is not for the obvious, determining how your money is spent, but to quiet some of your own noise and clutter.

Given my work, I thought about this in terms of what I facilitate for clients and what I hear from them. Nobody wants to spend money foolishly, at least no one I have met. The reluctance of balancing statements, creating budgets, financial planning/learning comes from another place. I know very smart people whose eyes cross when I ask about balancing their checkbook. Yet these same people have told me that they, too, have a fear of running out of money.

The lack of understanding your financial picture, when that unknowing weighs on your mind, generates excess noise in your life. Our inner bag lady feasts on noise and clutter as she spins the wheels in our heads.

Between my tinnitus and my bag lady, I have way too much noise in my head; even before the rest of the world descends upon me!

Multi-Messages | Photo credit: Emily Scott

How often have you walked into a grocery store without a list, roamed the aisles, and walked out with more items than you expected to buy. Creating a budget, reconciling your accounts is very much like creating your shopping list. You allow yourself the time to think about what you want and need. You check your pantry for what you already have and what is almost gone or is already missing.

On some level, it is not more complicated than that. In the quest to declutter and quiet, I offer some helpful ways to reconcile wants versus needs, and reduce the bag lady volume:

Invest in a program that can track your spending and your accounts (ex. Quicken, MINT). For a small fee, you can begin to create a history of how you spend money. If you want to go old school, keep a spending journal.
Ask yourself - without judgement - do you “want” or “need” whatever you are buying? If it is in the want category, ask if you really want it. If your answer is an emphatic yes, go for it (assuming you can afford it)! If your answer is not as confident, give yourself the luxury of time to think about whether or not you want to purchase.
Think about your values and if the way you are spending your wealth is in concert with them.
Are your financial platforms and spending habits sustainable? An accountant or financial planner can help forecast your financial life plan.
Take a look at your account statements. Financial institutions keep modifying their statements to make them easier to read and understand. Statements are a synopsis of your finances. Knowledge is a wonderful thing!
BREATH. I know, sounds easy. It is amazing how shallow our breath becomes when the noises get loud.

Blog - EmilyScottAND

14 Complicated Situations I Can Guide You Through (as your Financial Sherpa)

Table of Contents:

Managing Finances After the Death of a Spouse

Dealing with Financial Imbalances Between Partners

Getting Your Bearings after a Divorce

Unexpected Financial Windfalls

Windfall Falling Through

Economic Shifts Outside Personal Control

The Money Side of Having Children

Caring for Elderly Family Members

Being Responsible for Extended Family Members

What to Leave my Kids

Engaging in Meaningful and Personal Philanthropy

Harnessing Our Inner Bag Lady

How to Understand My Money Story

Healthily Reflecting on Our Financial Habits

Preparing Your Relationship for Healthy Financial Discussions

Why We Struggle to Communicate

Excavating the Money Story and Finding Common Ground

Her Anxiety

His Reward

Give Some Ground for the Benefit of Both

Keys to Having a Balanced and Safe Financial Discussion

Your Legacy, A Guide For Singles

THE ASSUMPTIONS WE MAKE

YOUR LEGACY IS YOUR MISSION STATEMENT

GIVE A GIFT OR CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE

TALKING ABOUT DEATH CHANGES HOW YOU LIVE

IN CONSIDERATION AS A SINGLE WOMAN

OTHER CHANGES I NEEDED TO MAKE, AND NOW MY CLIENTS DO THIS AS WELL

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ASK YOURSELF

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Discovering Your Money Money | Living Your Legacy | Determining Your Philanthropic Values

Emily Scott, Emily Scott AND

emily@emilyscottand.com | 415-609-1900 | emilyscottand.com

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Noise and Clutter