“Mountains bow down to give you glory, oceans will roar with praise. Creation breathes to tell Your story, and to lift up Your name because it’s all for You. You are the Alpha & Omega, beginning and the end. You are the Lord my redeemer and in You alone I stand.” — Coffey Anderson

{wont you continue reading with me @ incourage?}

Sometimes, life makes you feel like you are stranded in the ocean of despair with no hope of the horizon in sight. The waves of pain and sorrow rush upon you like tidal waves, bearing down on your soul. In the distance, you see just one oar floating beyond your reach, taunting you. You feel hopeless. You feel desperate.

When Peter stepped out of the boat to follow Jesus, as long as he kept his eyes on his Lord he was safe. He was secure in the gaze of his Savior. Once he took his sight off Jesus and placed them on the waves around him, he felt stranded and began to sink.

When Peter cried out to the Lord and the Lord caught him, what were His words to Peter?

When we feel alone, stranded in the middle of our own waves, Jesus is crying out to us just like he did Peter. He is asking us “Why did you take your eyes off of me and put them on the ‘stuff’ around you? Do you not believe that I am big enough and strong enough to handle all of this ‘stuff’? Do you not trust that I can and will save you from this?”

He has been asking me these question a lot lately. I have felt stranded in the ocean grief this month. I have felt like there is no horizon in sight, and that the oar is just beyond my reach. Yet, I know that my sight has not been firmly fixed on my savior during this time. I understand that.

Yet, at the same time it is easy for me to be enveloped in my own heartache that I fail to see that I am just like Peter outside of that boat.

And the Lord is asking me, “Heather, why do you doubt my love for you? Have I not been faithful to you through this? Why do you doubt my love for you?”

What you don’t realize….what I don’t realize is that just beyond the despair is hope. That “thing” that keeps us hanging on, despite what we have been through and experienced, It is hope. It wraps it’s arms around us and beckons us to follow.

Hope of tomorrow. Hope of a future. Hope of a new life.

All that is required of you is that you keep your eyes on Him.

He will hold your hand…

He will see you through…

His promises will never change.

Most times when love hurts, we shut down and stop feeling. We blame and get angry. And in those times, we often miss the one thing that we ought to be doing. Won’t you come with me over to {in}courage and follow my heart as I tell you what I have learned when love hurts….

Yes, today is my 30 something birthday! I was born 30 some odd years ago! What, you want to know how old I am? Well, funny story. I can’t remember how old I am since my brain surgery, I have to count from 1975 to the present, and I always miss a year. Go figure. So, you do the math because I am not very good at it these days! {Yes, I homeschool}

Also, in honor of my 30 something birthday, I want to have a delurking party. {That is where you leave a comment on my blog.} But I do not want to have just any “delurking party”, not for my 30 something birthday!

I would like you to tell me how long you have been reading my blog, tell me a little about yourself, and tell me what you enjoy about this space the most.

Oh, and if you are so inclined, could you figure out how old I am? {wink}

{Valued} {Wonderfully Made} {Irreplaceable}

{Accepted} {Free} {Loved}

{Chosen} {Delightful} {Strong}

{ The Plaque is part of Holley Gerth”s collection called “Gods Heart”

and is available to purchase by going to Blessings Unlimited }

{The gorgeous owl is from the ever so lovely homegoods}

So many times I run from you. So many times I hide from your perfect will in my life.

So many times you bring me back.

Ive been sitting here this morning having my quiet time, drinking my coffee. I love mornings like this, where I can sit and soak up my time with the Lord. Lately I have been questioning a lot about my ability (or inability) to fully trust Him. To have complete relinquishment of myself…

{won’t you follow me over at {in}courage?}

I would be lying if I said I was not scared out. of. my. mind!

I had just been diagnosed and treated for a brain tumor and barely could form understandable sentences without taking forever and a year due to the treatments that I had undergone. I vividly remember writing my first post as a contributor, I bet I deleted and re-wrote that post at least 20 times!

Oh how my life has changed since I became a member of this family.

I am more of a lurker than a regular participant tho, and many times I receive emails asking if I am still alive, but… I can honestly say that I love this group of gals and couldn’t imagine my life without them.

You see, I am what Arriane calls “an extroverted introvert”. Like her, social situations are so not my friend. I am the girl in the corner, waiting for someone to approach me, and then I will let my proverbial hair down… {sorta }

Which brings me to the reason for this post, come in close and I will whisper it in your ear… {in}courage is hosting an {in}real life local girlfriend meet up! The dates are April 27-28, and they are going on ALL OVER THE WORLD!

Did you read that? ALL OVER THE WORLD!

Here is what the {in}RL website says about the conference:

“There will be something for everyone – walking, talking, laughing, hugging blog content – right in the comfort of your living room. The webcast kicks off on Friday, April 27 and (in)RL beach house parties follow on Saturday, April 28 with more live (in)courage content to tune into together. Just imagine thousands of (in)courage women all over the world getting together in homes, coffee shops, restaurants, or churches – you name it- to connect in real life!

There will be a free T-shirt for everyone who registers, fabulous giveaways, a beach house in a box available for hosts, and the fun of meeting women from our local communities who all read (in)courage – it’ll be the online beach house (in)real life! We get giddy excited just imagining it!”

Still on the fence? Watch this video and you will know the hearts of the {in}courage team:

So what are you waiting for?!
First, you need to register here.

Then sign up here to host or attend an {in}RL beach house party!

Have more questions? Find the answers here
On your way out, wont you stop by my friend Arriane’s blog to read about what {in}real life means to her?  She has so kindly offered for me to have artichoke dip ready to give to you!  And tomorrow, be sure to read Deidra’s blog, where I am sure you will be blessed beyond measure as you read why {in}RL is so very important to her!

{Just in case you forgot }

FIFTEEN!!!

{Where did that time go, and where is my little girl!}

She is growing up so very fast.  Time for drivers permits and later curfews..

But please God, make her less attractive when she is around boys!

Dear Easton,

What a beautiful girl you have grown up to be…
We are so proud of you, and of your heart..
Dad and I love you so very much!
Enjoy your date tonight…

love, mom

{ P.S. Eat some lobster for me please!  }

The words of this song are my guidepost.

It reminds me that even when the world wants to overtake me;

I am safe with in His love.

I am unreachable by the waves of despair, depression and most of all fear.

They will not overtake me.

{Enter The Worship Circle Vol.3 – Karla Adolphe}

This video was made by Easton on August 27th, 2010.

I just found it again, and again it brought me to tears.

I have such and amazingly wonderful family.

I have such amazingly wonderful children.

(As you can see, my first attempt at making these was a real big fail!
I adapted this tutorial to get my final result)

• Step 1: Tear out magazine pages.(make sure they are the brightness that you are looking for in your coil.

• Step 2 and 3: Fold them in half length wise, and then in half again (this is the part I adapted because I found that folding them in half created a bulkier strip than I desired)

• Step 4: Cut the page along the folds

• Step 5: Fold the strips in half length wise, and then in half again.

(make sure your folds are tight.  At this point you will need to heat up your glue gun)

• Step 6: Get a toothpick and begin to coil the end of the magazine around the toothpick tightly, just enough to start the coil. (This is the part that I adapted because I found that a wooden skewer was too fat)

• Step 7: Remove the toothpick and begin to coil the strip with out fingers, winding it tightly. When you are finished hot glue gun the edge down.

• Step 8: Start with another strip and hot glue it down to the edge of the previous coil.  Repeat until you have the desired size of flower.

• Step 9: Cut out a circle (a little bit smaller than your flower) out of felt.  Hot glue gun the eye pin and the felt on the back of the flower.

• Step 10: Admire your recycled magazine pendant!

I have written on this subject so many times, yet I still need to be reminded of it daily. I need to be reminded that God only has my best at heart, even when He seems so far away. I have been rereading a book (Stones of Remembrance) that I bought when I first found out that I had brain cancer. Upon reading the things that I wrote in the margins, I wonder to myself “where did that girl go?”

The girl that had rock solid faith.

The girl that did not doubt, because she relied whole heartily on her Father.

The girl that trusted her God through the worst diagnosis and prognosis imaginable.

(won’t you join me for the rest of my story at {in}courage?)

When we first let Emma go, I was numb. I do not remember much of anything from the week that followed her death (and the rest of the month fades in and out). I do remember waking up the next morning in my bed, instead of the hospital bed where I had spent the last 4 months. I remember thinking “she is really gone, that was really it.” I remember going to the funeral home and looking at little heart urns. I remember the uncontrollable crying and the looking for her every day.

Every where I looked, I could see her. When I went to get in my car, I would stop and open the back door, the door where her car seat used to be. When I would pick up my house, I would find spoons (she loved spoons) in the places that she use to sit, and I would just leave them. I would find rubber bands with her hair still in them, and I would sob.

I missed her so much, I still do. Yet, over time the missing is “different”, more manageable in a way that only those who have lost someone can understand.

“The firsts”, people say, are the hardest. (Yet I have to somewhat wonder, what about “the seconds”, “the sevenths”) We have gone through the first birthday, the first thanksgiving, the first Christmas. Yet, I do not think that next years holidays will be any easier. You still miss them, you still cry over them, you still long for the day that you will hold them again.

It becomes easier, but still the missing isn’t erased by the space of time.

I wrote a post 7 months after she had passed. I wrote about the last time I ran my fingers through her hair and kiss her forehead. I was struggling with a lot of things when I wrote that, but the biggest thing was guilt.

I can honestly tell you that grief and guilt go hand in hand. Guilt is satan’s main tool to defeat, and he used it mightily when it came to me. He often reminded me that I was the one how told them to turn off the machines, I was the one who essentially gave up on her. That I was the one who walked away.

I struggled with that. I still struggle with that. But, I know that satan is the master of lies, and that I did everything in my power to make sure that Emma had a wonderful, love filled life. No one could love her the way I did. No one knows the heartache and anguish I experienced on that day, except for my Savior. He held my heart all the way through.

There was a time through my grieving process that I couldn’t pray. I had no words. I couldn’t bring myself to say what God already knew. It wasn’t that I was angry at Him, I just couldn’t go over it anymore. Then, I couldn’t pray enough, because I felt guilty (there is that nasty word again) that I hadn’t prayed.

I longed for people to talk to me about her, yet no one knew what to say. I was astonished at how everything in the world went on with out her. I longed for people to say her name, yet I knew when people would, they would look at me through sorrow-filled eyes.

People are just that, people. It is hard when you are grieving not to take everything personally. Others do not now what to say, and often times they say things that they shouldn’t. (For example, someone told me with a smile on their face “At least now you will have more free time.”)
It is so easy when you are in the middle of grief to become self focused and offended.

One thing I have learned since Emma died (and trust me, I am still learning) is that everyone is hurting, and no one persons hurt is more or less important than the other. There are degrees of “pain”, but they are all are still “pain” . I am reminded daily that there is a world of hurting people outside my front door that need to hear the story that will change their lives.

The story that sent an innocent man to die for sins that He didn’t commit, for people that didn’t believe He was who He said He was. A story that removes all guilt from the equation and replaces it with everlasting peace.

As I sit in front of the fireplace far away from home, I am reminded that it is okay to just stop. I relish this time spent with myself, yet do not take it very often because of all of the “me” my life takes away. I think about last Christmas, when she was here. I remember now, her laugh and silly face instead of her tears and pain. My mind carries me back to that last Christmas day, when we were all together, one happy family. I remember the carefree spirit that I held, and the joy that my heart carried.

I miss her this Christmas season. I miss her laugh and silly face.

But I also am relieved in a strange way. I know that will sound horrible to some, but it is my truth. My mommy heart is relieved.

She is finally able to sit on Jesus’ knee and tell Him “Happy Birthday!” in her sweet yet high pitched voice. Oh how I long for the day to be able to see her again.

Yet, that longing is not as strong as it once was. When I look around and see my precious children, still here; still growing, still in need of me… I realize that although she was my world, she is not my entire world. I realize that I have an amazing calling as a mother and wife, it is just a bit different than in the past.

But is no less amazing.

So this chilly morning, while I sit in front of the fire far away from home, I am reminded of what a precious gift it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy;

When I came across this quote, I had to ponder on it for awhile. I had to let it soak in and drench my spirit. I had to be still and let the Lord whisper it in my ear.

We were at our dear friends house Monday when the wife asked Mark and I were we were in the grieving process with Emma. We both paused. I know where I am “not”, but I haven’t really thought a lot about where I “am” in the process.

When I look at the 7 stages of grief, I realize that I am somewhere between stage 6 and 7.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

Accetptance, because I realize that God is a sovereign God, and that His ways are not known to me yet… I have learned to lean on Him, even when I felt He wasn’t there. I have learned to talk to Him even when I felt He wasn’t listening.

I have learned that I do have the strength, through Him, to come through even this.

I am accepting the fact that she really is gone, but only in her earthly state. I dream about her dancing at the feet of her Savior, and singing real words to real songs. As much as I long for her to be here, I would never want her to leave there.

Which brings me back to the above quote. Perfect love. She is experiencing His perfect love at this very moment, with un-abandoned child like faith. He is absolutely “head over heels nuts” for her.

And me.

Yesterday evening Mark and I went back to the hospital where Emma passed away. When I looked over the Skyway Bridge and saw the ACH sign, I lost my breath. A flood of emotions came over me all at once. I longed to see my second family again, yet dreaded going into the room where she passed away.

When we got to the PICU floor and the doors opened, the smell of hand sanitizer and oxygen overtook my senses. It was like she was still there, yet she wasn’t. Mark and I hugged the nurses necks and walked around the unit.

Then we came to the room. The room where she lost her earthly battle. The room where she passed away.

We went in. (there wasn’t a patient in that room.) It was surreal. It looked a lot bigger without all of her equipment, yet it seemed a lot smaller without her there. Mark and just stood there, and cried.

Closure.

She was not in that bed. She was not hooked up to the machines that kept her body alive here. She was not in pain anymore, crying and pleading with her eyes.

Be still, my soul.

Mark and I hugged each other tight, and smiled.

She is home.

At that moment, the above verse came to my mind.

She was always His.

He ransomed her.

He called her by name.

He called her home.

When Mark and I were told about Emma before she was born, our decisions determined the path her life would take. When Mark and I found out that I had brain cancer, our decisions determined the path our families lives would take. When our family was told that Emma would not come home, our decision determined the path her body would take.

Yet the Lord’s will never changed. He was not alarmed nor was He shaken by the paths that He already had planned for our little lives down here.

I had a really hard time with this after the decision was made to turn off the machines. I doubted myself. I doubted my love for Emma. But then a friend asked me one simple question: “Heather, when you turned them off, did she live?” It wasn’t up to me whether she lived or died, God had numbered her days even before she was born. If it wasn’t her time, she would have still been breathing after the machines stopped. It took me a long time to come to that realization and accept the fact that I did the best thing for my daughter.

God never lost control. He never lost his breath. He never shook his head and said “what now”.

“We have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28

Not our purpose. Not our wants or desires. Not our selfish plans.

His.

We are never outside of His plan for our lives. So when those hard questions come, and trust me they will come, remember that we are never given over to “random chance” by our Creator. He is conforming and molding us into His likeness. He is refining our hearts, and with refining there comes pain and suffering.

We see the back of the tapestry with all of the knots and strings… He is in the front making His masterpiece out of our lives. In Romans, Peter says “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us“. God is going to reveal glory in His children. He is going to turn our mourning into gladness. He will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.

When the storms come, and questions run rampant in your hearts, where will you hide? Will you hide in fear and hopelessness, doubting that that the one who holds the entire universe in the palm of his hand does not care about you; or will you take refuge in His sovereign plan for your life, hiding in His loving arms until the storm passes and you are able to stand up again.

You will have questions, you will have doubt, you will be angry.

It is what you do with those things that will determine your future stability and well being.

Where will you hide?