Thank you, Mark for being here every step of the way for the last 15 years.  On our wedding day, we couldn’t have realized how much this song would mean or how many obstacles we would have to over come.  I love you so very very much and am so very thankful that God gave you to me. I could have never made it without you by my side….

Happy 15th Anniversary. My prayer is that we will have another 15 years together and then some!

love you more,

-me

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

It has definitely been one l.o.n.g week. Emma has been put on a new medication and boy has it been rocking her {& our} world. A few weeks ago she saw a new Neurologist who prescribed Tenex for her impulsiveness and ADHD. We then cleared it through her Transplant team. It worked like a charm except for the fact that it bottomed out her blood pressure. We were scared to death that she would faint so we kept her home 2 days last week. { I won’t even begin to tell you how many times the pharmacy messed this drug compound up.. it was ridiculously insane.} So sadly, we had to scratch the new miracle working drug.

Her pediatrician then found an extended release version of this drug called Intuniv, which only comes in 1mg dose and is a pill. Emma has never taken pills, but we decided to try it. Getting her to swallow it was like trying to ride a wild bull but we finally were able to get it to go down. The main side effect is drowsiness, but because it was an extended release tablet we {Mark, I and all of her doctors} decided that it would be safe at this dose. Emma is such a lightweight {40lbs} and it knocked her on her rear end! The school finally called me this afternoon and told me to come and get her because she was so drowsy that they were having to carry her when they left the classroom! I called her pediatrician again and told her that this was not going to work and if we couldnt get this drug in suspension form at half the dose she would not be able to continue taking it.

I would rather have the old sweet yet often rambunctious non-compliant Emma compared to this.

All that to say she has been sleeping soundly in her new bed with Monsters vs Aliens in playing in the background for the last 2 hours.

{don’t ya just love the way she sucks her fingers!
There is a great story behind that, but I am too tired to tell it now!}

Stop. That is what my heart is telling me to do. Stop. Stop being so negative. Stop trusting what the doctors say to be 110% accurate. Stop moping around, thinking about death and dying, and start living.

That, of course is what I have told myself from day one of my brain cancer diagnosis, and somehow I have gotten away from that mindset.

Because the truth is, Cancer can’t be trusted. I had no symptoms, no warning. It hit out of nowhere and completely blindsided me and my family.

Isn’t that just like life? It hits you without any warning, blindsiding your faith and trust..
{continued @ incourage..}

The weather today is awesome. The high is expected to be in the lower 80’s and it is suppose to rain most of the day. {Lower 70s tomorrow! } I have the back of my house {wall of sliding glass doors which lead to a lanai} open and I am sitting here thinking about nothing and everything all at the same time. Emma is quietly chattering in the background and Mark is getting ready for work. Elijah and Easton are sound asleep in their rooms.

I love mornings like this. I love when I can just sit and contain my thoughts and unwind my overly exhausted brain. I love the smell of the crisp rain floating through my house. The sound of chirping birds and rustling squirrels. The sounds of nature doing what is natural.

So before I start my homeschooling day, and all of the ratios, non common denominators and reading {not to mention loudness} that it entails… I praise Him for the gift that He has given me this morning.

Crisp, calm quietness.

Easton and I have been discussing pretty deep issues as of late. Sex, dating, guys, etc. I have to tell you that it was a little uneasy for me at first because the fact that she is growing up really has taken me by surprise! She is no longer a little girl.

I try to emphasize that sex is a beautiful thing, and is well worth the wait. It is not enough in this day and age to tell them not to do it because “God says not too.” The world is telling them that it is a totally acceptable thing at any age. She is bombarded with images of half clad teenagers {especially here in Florida}. We talk about what being virtuous means. We talk about what “reputation” she wants to have. We talk about what she sees other girls doing at her age, and whether or not it is appropriate.

We talk.

It has been hard. It has been awkward. But it has been well worth every moment of conversation that we have stumbled through. I am so very proud of my daughter for knowing why it is important to wait for marriage. We haven’t just told her “sex is bad”, because it is not. It is a beautiful thing when done between married couples. We have tried to instill those thoughts into her heart, and all of our conversations are paying off.

I know that she will make mistakes. I did. But the important thing is that she knows that she can come to me with those hard questions, and I know that she is not just learning from society what is and is not appropriate.

She understands that she is more than the sum of her parts; She is so very much more than “pretty packaging”.

And she knows that she is worth waiting for….

I thought this was hil.ar.ious! Although I lost my hair from radiation and not chemo, I can still wholeheartedly relate!

Special Thanks to Kathy at Life With Steven for putting it on my facebook page

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” – John Wayne

When I first was diagnosed with brain cancer, the first few days took courage to breathe. I ate, slept, dreamed and pee’d cancer. I was terrified, and at the same time I was at peace. {like those two even remotely go together!} I remember waking up every day and shouting internally “One more day!” You see things clearer and with more passion. You live life with such anticipation of the next moment.

You truly live with courage.

The newness of the diagnosis has worn off, and my daily routine has gone back to pretty much normal. I have regained my speech. I am homeschooling my children. I can cook a meal and not burn the house down!  Yet, in the quiet moments of the day, I stop and think about those days when the diagnosis was still fresh and I long to see life through cancers eyes again. It was so very vivid and awakening.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience you face in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I long to have that kind of courage back. The “If I can tackle cancer, I can tackle anything” mindset that followed the diagnosis. I have slowly lost it along the way.

So today, I look for that courage as I unwrap the mundane issues that my life now entails; because if I can tackle cancer- I can tackle the world. {With Gods help, of course!}

What do you need help unwrapping today?

{“Courage Unwrapped” is part of  “Unwrapping Tuesdays” at chatting at the sky }

“When nobody around you seems to measure up, it’s time to check your yardstick.” ~Bill Lemley

That quote has stuck with me since the first time I read it. I often have to check my yardstick because someone is failing me or not living up to my expectations/standards. And then I think about how many times I have tried to live up to someone else’s standards and failed miserably.

I remember when I first told you guys that I had brain cancer, the pressure was so intense to post positively. I felt that all eyes were on me and that if I failed {whether spiritually, emotionally, or health wise}, I was failing you. I have since come to acknowledge that being “perfect” in my pain is not what is expected of me, in fact most of you have often said that you come here because I speak of how hard my life is amidst the joy. It has been a long road coming to terms with the fact that I dont always have to be “on”.

At She Speaks I pulled my sweet friend The Nester aside and literally cried a bucket of tears. I couldnt tell her why I was crying, I just sobbed. When I could muster the words I explained that I have felt so much pressure on me to upbeat and positive and that I am not always that way. I often {more times than not} have a sour attitude about my circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, I still find joy in these hardships but it doesn’t make those hardships any less, well… hard. I will never forget what she told me…”Heather, We love you because you are real in your pain.”

Real in my pain. That took my breath away.

I have come to realize in my 34 years of life that there no perfect people. There are no perfect lives. There are only shadows of grace in a fallen world, and if we search hard enough… we might just able to sit in that shade for awhile and rest.

My world has been so much easier since I took off my masks. I still have moments of complete and utter frustration at what my life has handed me.

But then I look deep into those shadows and see a perfect Gods grace… And all is well in my little imperfect world.

{This post was made after listening to Natalie Grants “Perfect People”.
You can listen to the song here}

When we asked Em what she wanted to be this year for halloween {yes, we allow them to dress up for Halloween} her first response was “Hello Kitty”, but needless to say there are not many “skinny as a rail” & tall as a tree hello kitty costumes on ebay {or anywhere for that matter}. Because that idea was a bust, her second choice was a pumpkin. My mom got creative at Target and bought a toddler jack-o-lantern costume, some orange and black sock tights, a black t-shirt and a pumpkin hat {all sold separately} and Viola! A very skinny & tall Em-O-Lantern costume! She sat in front of the mirror and just laughed at herself! It was awesome to see her so happy and giggly! My older two are “too old” for costumes… {we will see… they always say that and then right before Halloween day the want some extravagant costume!}

What are your kiddos going as?

Do you ever feel like an utter failure in the eyes of the Lord? Do you feel you cannot possible compare to _____ because she prays all of the time, holds bible studies in her house and doesn’t raise her voice at her children?

If I were to be completely honest with you, you would shake your head in disbelief at how many times I have not had time for my quiet time or even prayed. You would be appalled when I told you that I am not always gentle with my children. But then again, maybe most you wouldn’t because you too are in the same boat as me. You are fighting to stay afloat of your daily responsibilities { work, home, children, church, family, marriage} and by the end of the day, you are just too exhausted {or frazzled} to do anything other than wish to see the inside of your eyelids.

You feel like a failure in the eyes of God.

It is easy to get trapped in that mindset, to be eaten up by guilt and shame. But when I feel this way, I just look at Davids life. God called him “A man after Gods own heart.” Was David perfect; was he holy and sinless? Absolutely not.

• He was not always the best disciplinarian to his children.
• He had many wives
• He knew that his daughter, Tamar had been raped by her half brother & chose to do nothing.
• He committed adultery with Bathsheba and ordered her husband to be killed to cover it up.

David is a prime example of Gods love. He sinned over and over again, yet Christ still welcomed him back. That is not to say that the consequences for Davids sins were not harsh and swift. He lost a child that he had conceived with Bathsheba right after birth because of his sin.

Was David perfect? Did he trust God 100% of the time? Did he pray constantly? No. He was human. And he loved Christ with a deep and mad love. Not a perfect love, but a deep and mad love. David had his faults, but God knew his heart.

And God knows our hearts too. He knows that we lack patience with our kids. He knows that we get frustrated with our day to day lives, and He knows that we put Him on the back burner more times than not…

Yet He still loves us with a mad and deep love. He beckons us to come back to him. He patiently waits until we have gotten over our pity party and turn to him and run.

This life is not an easy one. It can be downright torturous at times. There will be valleys. There will be deserts. There will be thorns.

My life is a prime example of hardship. And I still don’t have it all figured out but I am working on being after Gods own heart.

In fact, I long for that.

I love love love my new design, and I big red puffy heart the one who designed it for me!  Darcy, at graphically designing worked all hours of the night, sometimes till the break of dawn to appease the former designer in me {oh how I miss her so}.  She took my demands napkin drawings and brought them to reality on my blog.  I told her I wanted a clean, uncluttered space and that is just what she gave me… I cannot speak highly enough about her mad designing skills and she is hil.ar.ious to boot!

{scroll over the nav bar… aren’t those birds cute as the dickens!Thanks to Lisa for helping with that!}

Let me tell you a little about why I chose to redo my blog, and what is in store for Especially Heather. As you can tell, I have taken down the “Advertise Here” link and will not be offering any advertising on my blog except for those who have already paid me this year (Bellaplex and Kidney Cancer Symptoms links in the sidebar). Once those have expired I will be essentially ad free. There are many reasons that I have come to this decision, but the one that I want to talk about with you is that I do not want anyone to be under the assumption that I blog about my cancer journey for money. I blog from my heart, not to fill my wallet. {That is not to say that other bloggers who have paid ads on their sites do not blog from their heart.. this is just my personal conviction} My husband has a great job {although slow right now- but atleast he has a job, right!} and we are doing okay financially. The main reason I put up the blog ads was because everyone else was doing it…

& I don’t want to be like everyone else, so I chose to take them down.

On to the next thing. Remember that survey that I asked you guys to take? It gave me so much input on what you, as my readers like and dislike; what you want more of and what you could do without. If you notice, I have done away with the tag cloud and brought back the categories. That was the biggest thing that you said in the survey. Also, I have gone through my blog and pulled out the most popular posts and some of my (and your) favorites.

My mahvelous designer showed me how to sign up for Google Friend Connect (I am serious when I say I didn’t know what on earth that was) so now you and I can be Google Friends, and thus we can be connected even more than we already are

Speaking of Connecting.. I have also done away with my contact page. Darcy and I discussed it, and it is just one more unnecessary click. {See, I’m thinking of you guys!} You can email me using that little handy dandy red envelope in my sidebar after the rss feed, facebook and twitter icons {click on those too if you haven’t already}

And finally, Darcy made me a nifty little button for you to put on your site if you so choose. {Just grab the code and put it on your blog where ever you want.}

Thank you for all of your input on my bloggy purpose survey, it really helped me in the process of redesigning and decluttering my blog!

{ And if you are looking for a new clean space for your blog to reside, Darcy is your girl! }

His actions don’t make any sense. His reactions make even less sense. He asks His followers to do weird stuff; Things like pray and repent and witness. He calls on His people to believe that He really can do the things He says He can do. Yet how in the world could He expect me to handle all of the things life has thrown at me?

How in the world could He expect you to handle all of the things life has thrown at you?

Read that again.

I often forget that He created not just the planet that I live on, but the galaxy that surrounds it. He doesn’t have to make sense, He doesn’t have to tie my world up in a perfect little bow. When we continue to think that this life should make sense to us we are missing the point.

This isn’t about us. It never was.

Yet we have a gracious and loving Heavenly Father who, although seems weird, is looking out for our eternal good, not our earthly good. We often miss the lesson while focusing on all of our questions.

We don’t realize that He doesn’t have to give us answers.

He is the answer.

The sooner we realize that everything in our lives has Christs handprint on it, the sooner we can start looking at this life (& Christ’s sovereignty) with fresh eyes and experience the real joy of living.

The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.

It is all a gift that we do not deserve….Yet He freely gives.

When my daughter approached me with changing her bathroom, I cringed at the thought of spending big bucks so soon after we moved into this house (3 years ago, I know.). When I looked at the guest bath, it did look like a kids bathroom, and lets face it, my daughter is not a little kid anymore. Plus, I hated the fact that our guests had to use a frog themed bathroom

My daughter LOVES black and white. (Her bedroom is black and white) So when my mom told me about this bathroom set at ABC Distributing, we both fell in love instantly. I was going to get a sophisticated guest bathroom and Easton was going to have her very favorite colors.

And all for under $40!

Old Frog Themed Bathroom
(notice the photo frame that has been empty for 3 yrs.)

Empty Bathroom

New Bathroom Stuff

Bathroom Rugs from ABC

End Isle Clearance items from Target

New Updated Bathroom!

I promise to have pictures in the new picture frames soon, and notice that little red bird on the back of the toilet…Emma has lovingly named him twitter. :heart: She is a girl after my own heart!

I love the black birds on the walls, and I got them for half of that price!

So there you have it! A bathroom makeover as easy as ABC!

It was Thanksgiving, and my parents were visiting us in Jacksonville for the holiday—I didn’t want to tell them—I didn’t want to tell anyone. I had no idea how I was going to manage two in diapers…and we cloth-diapered our kids, which dulled my excitement even more.

Don’t get me wrong—I was excited about the life I was carrying, I just had other plans for my future, and they didn’t include being pregnant again so soon.

I look back at that time in my life, and often smile. Because it proves to me again how God is so in control of my life, and my future…
continue reading at {in}courage…

• I love having a cup of coffee in the morning with my husband.
• I love the smell of Emma Grace after her bath.
• I love the sound of my children’s laughter in the distance.
• I love the quietness of the afternoon when I am all alone in my house.
• I love the imperfectness of my cluttered home.
• I love the crisp smell of a newly purchased book.
• I love the sound of my eldest daughter playing her guitar.
• I love the screams of excitement of my son on his xbox.
• I love the silly face that Emma Grace makes.
• I love the smell of my husband when he gets out of the shower.
• I love the smell of my dog when he gets back from the groomer.
• I love the sound of the birds chirping when I sit on my lanai.
• I even love the fighting and bickering between my children.
• Because at least I am here to hear the fighting and bickering.

“When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.” -Author Unknown

8 years ago my daughter recieved the gift of life. This is the letter I wrote and sent to the transplant coordinator 3 years after her transplant. Sadly, I have never heard from the donor family, yet I know that her donor was an infant girl. I picture her being named Hope, because that is what she provided for my family.

Hope for a future for our daughter.

I have had many people ask me this question: “Why do you continue to shave your head even though you are not on any treatments?” And honestly, it is a good question that I don’t think I have addressed here on my blog.

First, I did not lose my hair from chemo. I took a pill form of chemo called Temodar. Temodar has all of the usual side effects of iv chemo (low platelets, loss of appetite, nausea, weight loss etc) except for losing your hair. I lost my hair due to high levels of radiation on my scalp that killed my hair follicles. I have thinning in large areas that will never be full again from where the levels were lower. I have a an “old man bald spot” on the top of my head where the levels were high:

I apologize if you couldnt comment for oh, I don’t know how long on my blog. It seems that wordpress decided it didn’t like my permalink setup after 3 years of loving it.

And Thunderbird decided to delete ALL of my mail when it updated itself… 4 years worth, ya’ll. I know that I could easily go and retrieve them all on gmail but silly me checked “do not save on server” in my gmail settings.

The upside: I now have a neat and tidy inbox :ninja: