Etiquette Bank

Courtesies - Holding the door for the person behind you

2012-05-03T11:08:00.000+01:00

Walking through a door to enter into an office for an official assignment may be foremost on your mind to the extent that you are oblivious to the people around you. Whatever your mission and however urgent it may be, a public place requires due consideration for the other people in close proximity to you.

In this article, the discussion is centred on the process of walking through a door. A scenario would be Mr A wanting to enter a Bank to withdraw funds from his account. He is probably preoccupied with the transaction ahead and may not notice the people ahead of him or behind him. If you walk through a swing door with the mindset just described, the likelihood is that you will just push the door, get in and walk off to the presence of the nearest cashier. However, if you are only concerned with what you are about to do in the bank, you may not fully realise that the simple process of handling a door well may leave a good or bad impression of you.

If anyone walks through a swing door without thinking of the next person on the line, it is very possible that the door would swing back with full force and may hit someone else in the face. This unfortunate 'someone else' would be the man or woman who happens to be standing behind you. This means your simple indifference to the person behind you may result in the door slamming shut on their face or even hitting the person. Sadly a door does not discriminate who it hits in the face so it may be the chairman of the company or the sweet lady who works at reception that bears the brunt of your indifference.

The lesson here is to always hold the door for the person coming behind you. This applies to both male and female; it is a simple courtesy that transcends gender, age or social status. It is applicable to everyone.

Most people do not go out planning to be rude, nasty or to hurt people around them. However, our actions speak a completely different language and indict us even when we mean no harm. This makes it incumbent on us all to make the effort to be considerate to people around us. As this discussion relates to doors, the lesson here is to never assume there is no one behind you when you approach a door.

In fact it is best to assume there is someone coming behind you and hold the door for them. If it turns out that there is no one close to you then you can safely let go of the door knowing that no one would get hurt.

The converse to the above is to assume there is nobody behind you and allow the door to return to its original position only to discover that it has swung its full weight and shut in the face of your work colleague. If you are not very lucky, it may be in the face of the company chairman or your interviewer who will decide if you are to be given the job.

The need to form the right habit cannot be overestimated. When it becomes second nature to you, it would not matter who is behind you as you would do it by rote. This is the place where everyone of us must seek to reach. The place is where we do the right things habitually.

Remember that doing things right would differentiate you and set you on the path of promotion. Here are few tips regarding dealing with doors at home, in the work place and everywhere else you come across a door:

· As you walk through a door, think of the person behind you.
· You need more than a thought though, you need to consider them and act accordingly.
· Acting accordingly means holding the door with one hand as you pass through the door.
· The above should not affect your passage, or increase the time spent at the door.
· You are not required to hold the door open for all to pass through except this is your job.
· If you are a gentleman, you may find it in order to open the door to allow a lady to go through first.

We all benefit when we do things right!

‘Excuse me’ rather than 'Sorry' - Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time

2012-03-31T21:24:00.002+01:00

We all know that ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are two magic words that set people at ease, and make life easier for everyone. Whatever you may believe about these words, saying the right thing at the right time can open doors and resolve major problems. The African culture places huge importance on words; it is said that “the right words can bring out kolanuts from a friends pocket.”

Just like the two magic words above, ‘excuse me’ is a short key phrase that can also differentiate a person. An appropriate use will show the user is courteous and well mannered. There are occasions where the right display of manners is to say to someone ‘excuse me’ rather than having to apologise profusely after an irrational or thoughtless behaviour.

Unfortunately, this latter situation is what appears to be common. An example is a case where there is a small crowd in a banking hall or at a supermarket checkout. Here comes Mr Olu whose main pre-occupation is how to cash his cheque or pay for his goods. He looks around and realises that he needs to navigate his way through the crowd to the extreme right to see Miss Emeka, the Customer Services Supervisor/Cashier. Mr Olu then begins to push his way through the crowd until he gets to the Customer Service desk. As his body brushes against other people, they start to complain about being pushed. Eventually everyone was complaining about his behaviour and raining abuse on this ‘rude’ man. Mr Olu is embarrassed and he is forced to say sorry as all eyes are fixed on him.

The lesson here is that Mr Olu did not need to go through the harsh and embarrassing experience only to start apologising. He needed to simply say ‘excuse me’ in order for the people to move out of his way. This is certainly a more civilised and polite way to get through a crowd than pushing people out of the way.

A parallel can be drawn with the life lesson of being proactive. It is always better to confront and handle the matters of daily living rather than avoiding them and pretending they would go away. So many people ignore serious issues that require urgent attention, hoping that by doing so they can escape the difficult reality of the situation. In the event that this backfires, they are quick to offer an apology to their spouse or neighbour or whoever was wronged. What happens in such cases is that the matter becomes worse, and what was thought to be slightly difficult turns into chaos and sometimes calamity. At this point ‘sorry’ does nothing to repair the damage that has been done.

It is always better to have the mindset of taking responsibility for life issues rather than saying a meaningless sorry after the damage has been done. An example is Mr Yusuf, a client who has scheduled a meeting with Mr Bakare, a solicitor. Having realised he could no longer make it to the meeting at the arranged time, he did nothing, and procrastinated on calling Mr Bakare to either cancel or reschedule the meeting. Mr Bakare is completely unaware that Mr Yusuf would not be available and he turned up as planned.

After waiting for 45 minutes, Mr Bakare placed a call to find out Mr Yusuf’s whereabout, only for him to start apologising that he could no longer make the meeting. “Sorry, I’m so sorry,” he says. Sorry in this case clearly means nothing as the appropriate path Mr Yusuf should have taken would be to inform Mr Bakare once he realised he could no longer make the meeting. At the very least a text message to alert Mr Bakare would have sufficed.

Somehow many people choose the ‘apologies’ or ‘sorry’ path rather that the ‘excuse me’ path. In cases where money is involved, this is even worse as debtors rarely make the move to reassure the lender when they can not meet a commitment to pay their loan. It is always better – though not an easy task – to tell your lender “I am unable to pay as I promised, please give me two more weeks.” Rather than do this, they avoid their creditors or disappear and turn a salvageable issue to a friendship-destroying calamity.

A few points to consider are below:

Saying ‘excuse me’ is always better than apologising later.
In the same vein, doing the right thing at the right time is always better than apologising later.
Carefully and sensibly deal with issues before they become a disaster. He who fights and runs away, as they say, will live to fight another day.

· The key is to be proactive, think ahead and choose to do the right thing always.

· Do not use sorry as a means of getting away from facing the consequences of your actions.

· Let your sorry be when you truly regret something not as an afterthought.

· Put yourself in the position of the other person and decide how you would rather a situation be played out.

We all benefit when we do things right!

The Wedding that Wasn't

2012-02-29T23:55:00.003+01:00

Since the announcement by Tunji Olu-Blair of his engagement, there had been a buzz in the Olu-Blair family. In the four weeks preceding the ceremony, various family members and friends of Tunji’s mum have been visiting to pick up their respective ‘aso-ebi.’ A particular one stands out, this is the lace material with big motifs of pink flowers on a silver background exclusively chosen for a few, well-heeled friends of the groom’s mother.

Even the city is bracing itself for this society wedding; the press is poised to make a song and dance of this event. It’s a big wedding and most people would covet an invitation. Tunji’s father wrote the cheque for the final instalment of the event manager’s fees last week. This much sought-after contract is being organised by ‘Bobbah’ the premiere events company in Lagos.

The groom is also excited to have bagged a well-educated and hardworking young lady as a bride. Angela, his fiancée has just completed her master’s programmes and has secured a job at a blue-chip company in Lagos. She is slim, beautiful and truly the kind of wife that would make any man proud. Angela is also from a well respected family of medical practitioners; her parents run a well known hospital in the city.

For his wedding suit, Tunji travelled all the way to Germany where he also bought the suits for his six groom’s men. His bespoke shirt and tie were commissioned from a well known tailor on London’s Savoy Row.

However, 48 hours to the wedding, this preparation and joy was abruptly cut short after Tunji called off the wedding. The buzz in the Olu-Blair family has been replaced with a sudden quietness. The loud music and flow of visitors have disappeared, replaced with a mellow, sombre almost depressing mood.

Why was the wedding called off? The sudden turn around in situation was caused by what should have been a minor part of the process set out by the bride’s church for those seeking to get married. Both the bride and groom were required to go through an eight-week marriage counselling which is the church’s method of setting the right foundation for each marriage. At the end of the eight week, a few older women usually complete the counselling session by answering any question which the bride may have relating to her role in the marriage. This is also the opportunity for a urine sample to be collected in order to conduct a pregnancy test to ensure that the bride is not pregnant before the ceremony. In Angela’s case, it came out positive.

The positive pregnancy test result was a blow to the groom. This is because Tunji and Angela as part of their Christian faith had pledged to each other to remain pure till their wedding day. In the two years of their courtship, Tunji had never as much touched or slept with Angela and she could not deny this fact either. Angela on the other hand had carried out sexual liaisons with other men. The embarrassment to both families was huge.

This is a true life story. Imagine all the various aso ebis, and all the money which had gone into the preparation for this amazing wedding. Even harder to imagine is the horror of the experience to the families involved and the pain which the groom and the bride went through as this gradually became public.

Horrible as this may sound, many ladies have been caught in this type of situation because of their choice of lifestyle. Many have formed the habit of dating and sleeping with more than one man at a time. It is safe to assume that Angela certainly did not want to go through this embarrassment. However, her lifestyle which she may have successfully managed and kept secret has now become a public disgrace. It is possible that Angela did not know she was pregnant; it is also possible that she knew and planned to go into the marriage with her secret hoping that not even her new husband will find out.

The only way to avoid the above scenario is to clean up any moral habit unbecoming of a decent person. No one deserves to go through such a painful disgrace that the couple and their families experienced, so no one should engage in such behaviour as Angela’s.

The issues of honesty, integrity, truthfulness and commitment between courting young people come into play here. Many young men are afraid to get into serious relationships because they believe there are no serious ladies around to date. This makes it easy to perpetuate the wrong of cheating, lying and deception amongst young people.

Some people have been hurt by those they trusted, some scarred so badly that they are determined to do no good to anyone they meet. Sadly it is a case of wickedness begetting wickedness. No one wins in cases like this.

A few points to consider:

Do not deceive anyone with whom you have a relationship. As they say “what goes round comes around.”
If you do not like a lady or man, do not enter a relationship with them, as some people do, hoping to find a more appropriate partner person along the way. It often backfires like the above story.
Learn to be content with what you have; the quest for money and material possessions can make people get involved in relationships for the wrong reason and even with the wrong person.
Never date two people at the same time. Do to others as you want them to do to you.
Trust is the bedrock of a marriage, do not lay a foundation of lies in your relationship, it will only beget more lies and deception.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Taking pride in your vocation Part 2

2012-01-26T19:52:00.001+01:00

Zero to 100km/hour in five seconds is a common phrase amongst those in motor racing sports like Formula 1. This refers to the speed of a highly sophisticated racing car built solely for the purpose of competing against other cars in a Grand Prix at extremely high speeds. This concept of going from zero to 100 km/hour in an extremely short time should however be limited to racing cars alone. The reality of life is that most things are not instant; they are planned and brought to maturity over time.

Pregnancy is a classic example of a venture that needs time to mature. A person who wants a child would need to take the time to first conceive, then wait for nine months as the baby matures in the womb. The baby is only successfully brought to the world after the right length of time when all the organs are developed and are functioning well.

For the vast majority of people in a career or business, there is no such thing as ‘hitting it’ or ‘making it big’ overnight. Achieving success or wealth usually comes from having developed and perfected a skill and then becoming renowned in it. A renowned person is sought for his expertise and can call the shots when it comes to fees. People will be willing to part with large sums of money for the privilege of having you design their home, organise their party or manage their company if you are exceptionally good at what you do.

Whilst talent may help you to identify an area of a passion or interest which can be turned into a business, you will however need much more than talent to keep a business going and to make any serious money. This is where commitment, expertise, diligence, patience, hard work, financial prudence and wisdom come in. These are the virtues that make a person go from ‘zero to 100’ within in a few years. In other words, luck, blaming others, and prayer with no action must make way for virtues that bring success.

Let us take a further look at some of the virtues that will propel your career or business into the big league:

Diligence – constant and earnest effort to accomplish a task or project. It means regular effort and focus on a task. It should become a way of life for the person who wants to succeed in a career or business. Being an entrepreneur, although attractive, is not always easy; you need to carry on working and believing in yourself even when everyone else does not.

Patience – is required to nurture seeds to maturity. The misnomer of instant success has hampered this virtue, yet it is a much needed virtue that everyone must adopt for their diligence and expertise to be appreciated by the world. As they say, Rome was not built in day. If you are good, the whole world will notice you. It might just take some time for the word to get round to everyone, but it sure will.

Prudence – Some people marry new wives and purchase many cars when they have made some money from their business although the flow may not yet be steady. Perhaps a lucrative contract had come in unexpectedly and there is more money than previously was. Rather than reinvest and expand, many people deceive themselves and act as if they have arrived. To sustain a business for the long run, it will be irresponsible to splash out money anyhow.

Expertise – This is what it takes to become the best. Expertise is gained from experience and constant development. If you are not the best, you cannot realistically expect people to come and spend their money on your product or service. Everyone desires that the service they pay for be rendered efficiently. If I enlist the services of a caterer, I would expect that it would be food that is delicious and very well presented. It is therefore crucial for any business to have the expertise needed and also to offer a perfect service. Customers who are happy will tell others and bring in more business. Customers who have been disappointed will tell others too.

Hardwork - This is the icing on the cake of all the above principles. A person who runs a business or has a career in another person’s business must be prepared to go the extra mile. This includes being hands-on in order to deliver an expert job. There is no room for doing the minimum and expecting to get referrals.

In conclusion, taking pride in your vocation means that you give your best and develop yourself to such a level that your work will speak for you. Success in life is not usually by chance. Although there is no one way or definite direction to success, the principles above are common to those who have succeeded in their chosen fields.

There is dignity in labour, regardless of what you do, give it your best and the sky is your limit.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Taking pride in your vocation 1

2011-11-10T13:24:00.001+01:00

Having the right attitude to work can be a determining factor in the success or failure of an individual or business. Often people find themselves in a job that is not their initial choice, or something they may not like to do. Let’s consider for example the case of Ade, who successfully completed a degree in Business Administration, with the expectation of getting a job managing a department in an international business. Having job-hunted for one year without success, he is forced to take up the only job on offer with a local business that sells flowers and birthday cakes. Ade hopes that he would only have to do this for a few months before he gets a more attractive offer. This is the real life experience of so many young people today. They have worked hard to study and pay for a university education only to graduate and have to face unemployment or under-employment with their pressure and pain.

In a situation like this, the tendency is to take any frustration out on the people around you. Many people in Ade’s shoes would consider their fill-in job as substandard and would give it ‘substandard’ commitment. Their attitude would be ‘When I get a job that suits my qualifications, I would give it my best effort and commitment.’ However, they often lose out in the end as they may not get the dream job sooner enough and they also lose out on the opportunities that may open with the present job.

My point is this article ‘there is dignity in labour.’ Whichever vocation you may find yourself, whether it is temporary or for the long term, it is imperative that the best attitude and effort is applied. Far too many people lose out on further opportunities and promotion because they consider some jobs as beneath them. To succeed there need to be a change of attitude to recognise that there is dignity in labour, and to appreciate whatever vocation you are in and what others do as well.

The reality of our country and the experience of many people is that there are not enough white collar jobs to go round all the people who will graduate from university each year. To compound this matter, there is also stiff competition from people who have graduated from foreign universities and are coming back home to seek employment. Therefore, many job seekers may need to follow in the footsteps of successful entrepreneurs of our time by starting businesses and becoming employers of labour.

There are a few examples of people in our society who have gone from nothing to owning successful businesses and becoming millionaires in vocations that many may consider odd. The common thread amongst these people is the hardwork they put into business and the excellent spirit and passion with which they pursue their choice of work. The most recent example I heard is of a woman who was a house-help who has now moved on to become an wardrobe-arranger because she has a skill in this area and has given it her attention. She has become known in this vocation and there is a demand for her services. Demand for your service means the privilege to name your price and to choose what you want to do, how you want to do it and when it is convenient. This is a good place to be in business but no one gets there by chance, it is only through dedication.

There is also the story of the man who is the king of small chops (finger food); he is at every notable party as he serves his small chops hot. They are cooked at the venue to ensure top quality service; his dedication has paid off after many years of consistent effort and he is now a very successful gentleman.

There are makeup artists who have excelled to the point that they are unable to cope with demand. There are caterers, florists, cake decorators and hairdressers who have become millionaires. The common thread is that they did not consider any of these vocations as too low. They often started small and gave their very best.

I will like readers to ponder on the following:

Whatever your hands find to do; do it well.
Do not regard any vocation or job as beneath you, there are untapped opportunities in our economy.
Work is better than handouts; don’t denigrate anyone trying to eke out a living whatever they may be doing provided it is legal and moral.
If you start small, and are devoted to excellence, you will strike it big one day.
Any vocation can be turned to success; don’t forget the small chops man, the wardrobe arranging woman, or the make-up artists, all of whom have made it big.
Don’t copy other people, identify a need and go for it.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Beyond the University Degree - Developing Skills for Life

2011-09-01T00:09:00.004+01:00

For so many school pupils, the greatest challenge that presents itself is that of passing exams and getting into university. The ‘challenge’ of WAEC, GCE, NECO and JAMB is so real that everything else fades in the light of passing these examinations. Sadly, only a minority are able to wade through these treacherous waters to secure admission into a university. For these ones, the belief is that their future is set and all that needs to be done is to stay afloat for four to five years, pass all exams and come out with a reasonable class of degree.

However, in today’s world, nothing can be further from the truth. Anyone who still treasures such a belief is living in cloud cuckoo land. The reality of our world is that things have changed so greatly in the last 20 years and anyone who wants to survive must understand how the world now works. The value of a degree has certainly diminished for a variety of reasons. One is the unfortunate decline in standards of education; this has not been helped by the incessant strike actions by lecturers due to pay issues and conditions of work. There is also the issue of examination malpractices, a high level of leaked examination papers and impersonation. All these have contributed to fallen standards in education which has taken a toll on the employment market. It is a fact that education in Nigeria is largely academic and it appears that this trend will continue.

The sheer number of people who graduate from university each year in Nigeria and also in other countries has also increased employment competition. As the world has become a global village, anyone can apply to any job from anywhere in the world. This means that a Nigerian university graduate applying for work at an oil company in Lagos is in competition with other Nigerian graduates from Ghana or even from Canada. Frankly, the competition in Nigeria is keen enough with so many thousands of graduates from across the country going for the same few jobs.

This scenario is not peculiar to Nigeria, many other parts of the world including Europe and the Americas are also experiencing a global meltdown which has reduced the number of opportunities available. The reality is that not enough jobs is being created to go round making it imperative for anyone who wants to get a decent job to be multi-skilled. It is no longer enough to have a good degree, it is absolutely necessary to gain other skills directly or even indirectly relevant to your degree.

Basic life skills are extremely important too as they make a difference to what a person can offer. Today’s employers now extend their interests beyond well educated geeks who can only sit by a computer to intelligent programmers with good interpersonal skills who can also relate well to clients. Life skills are basic skills which are necessary to function in life. Often these are simple transferrable skills that can be employed in any sector once acquired.

Life skills are non-negotiable if a person intends to amount to anything in life and includes timekeeping, organising and planning, relating to people, speaking in public and being proactive. These skills can be used anywhere in almost any job and they enhance your college degree.

Interestingly, these skills can be learned without possessing a degree. You can even function with these skills exclusively in many jobs with or without a degree. An example would be if you have a job as an executive PA, there are hardly any specific skills which you need to learn at university to function in this role. There are however, many other skills like planning, organising and interpersonal skills which are crucial to this kind of job. Theses same skills can be enlisted in managing a building project. Assuming this PA is offered a job in a property development company as a project manager, the PA skills will simply be transferred to manage this project effectively.

In the above example, the new project manager will apply his timekeeping, planning and organising skills to ensure that the architects, engineers and artisans work to timescale with deliverables to show for it.

This same person can work in logistics - managing coca cola goods from production to distribution across the country.

The points below will further illustrate the objective of this discussion:

A degree is no longer sufficient to make headway in life.
With increased global competition for work, you need additional skills to give yourself an edge in life.
Everyone needs to complement their degree with basic life skills.
Employers are increasingly looking for people with these life skills and you will do yourself good by developing them.
It’s never too late to start developing yourself in this area. For example if you read widely, you will begin to develop your communication skills.
Start to be genuinely interested in people and you will develop interpersonal skills.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Avoiding the culture of ‘entitlement’

2011-05-31T15:58:00.003+01:00

Africans are known to be hospitable and have a sense of community. We believe that a whole village raises a child, so everyone looks out for the person around them. This is even more so within families where any of the older siblings can assume the responsibility of raising younger siblings. This often goes beyond the case of a nuclear family and extends to aunties, uncles and second and third cousins. Even in cases where there isn’t any particularly definable family tie, a successful relative is expected to share in the responsibility of ‘helping’ younger and struggling family members.

Whilst this is a noble idea that has worked well over many decades, it has also become a case of people believing that they have an ‘entitlement’ to certain benefits and privileges from their well to do relatives. I have seen cases where a family member secures a job in an oil company and has the ‘misfortune’ of rising to a senior post. The 'misfortune' is due to the fact that his siblings, cousins and extended family members all believe that he has the power to find them work in the same company. He is declared a persona non grata if he doesn’t deliver.

It does not matter that the person in need of work is not qualified for the job to which he aspires or that there is a procedure for interview that must be followed including sitting for a written examination. What they believe is that having a relation who works in ‘Chevron’ automatically negates the need to excel academically and to strive to pass the interview. The ‘Chevron’ uncle becomes an enemy because he failed to deliver a fantastic job. Sadly, this may not be the opinion of just one person as this uncle may have many brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews, first cousins, and second cousins.

The mentality that people are entitled to some benefit from a family member or even a close older friend who is wealthy often destroys family and friendly relationships. Sometimes it is a case of a young person who becomes acquainted with an older person in their community or religious setting. It could also be a technician who visits a house to carry out maintenance work or domestic workers within a home. It may be a mentee to mentor relationship. It may even just be someone who has extended a helping hand to a young person in their time of need. In many of these relationships, a person who believes he is not as well to do as the other assumes that he has an eternal ‘entitlement’ to help, money or other privileges from the person who is at the ‘higher end’ of the relationship.

There is nothing wrong in asking for assistance from anyone who is in a position to offer it. It is however absolutely imperative that one seeks such assistance within reason to avoid destroying relationships that would have been otherwise mutually beneficial. It is important to start from the position that no one owes you anything. This means the wealthy uncle, aunt or cousin may or may not be able to assist you financially or get you a job. If they are able to do so, of course, this should be appreciated. If however they are unable to do so for whatever reason, there should be no hard feelings.

Even if they are perceived to be stingy or mean, it is still their prerogative whether they give out money or not. It is only fair that they are allowed the privilege of making such a choice freely. No one has a right to another man’s pocket, even if the pocket is running over with money. It is the choice of the owner of the pocket where he offloads his overflowing pocket.

Having a mindset that there are no ‘guaranteed entitlements’ would mean that a person is set free to relate well with others without expecting anything in return. If there are no expectations, there is no disappointment and no damaged relationships. An entitlement means ‘the right to guaranteed benefits.’ In many Western countries, only the government can offer this type of guarantee for example in welfare programmes that guarantees a small income to purchase food and ensure survival for their unemployed citizens. Individuals should not and can not be expected to offer such guarantees.

Sadly, many relationships end abruptly when an unreasonable demand has been made. An example is a young person who decides he wants to start a business and needs a sum of 300,000 naira to do so. He writes out a plan of how to get this money by writing a list of people who he thinks has the money. Usually the criteria for choosing these people would be the size and brand of their cars, the size of their homes or their lifestyle. The reality is that these factors can be highly misleading in judging someone’s pocket. The fact that a person appears rich doesn’t mean they have money in their pocket. Placing a huge demand on them will strain a relationship as often the person who is assumed to be rich may be scouting for money for children’s school fees or rent that is due. Making such a request makes a person uneasy as they ponder over why such a large sum is being requested and the dilemma of how to convince people they do not have the money. It is never a pleasant experience.

The truth is, a big car does not equal a big bank balance. A big, cosy house may not necessarily mean the person has liquid cash either. Let’s avoid the culture of entitlement as it only destroys relationships.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Setting Personal Boundaries Part 3 – Relationships and Morality

2011-04-29T22:43:00.003+01:00

As we continue in our series on setting personal boundaries, we will explore the intricacies of setting boundaries in the area of relationship with the opposite sex.

You may belong to the school of thought that believes every adult has the right to do whatever they like. However, personal boundaries are necessary for everyone when it comes to relationships especially for young people just starting out in life. Setting boundaries act as a defence against all kinds of assaults they would encounter in the course of life, and a guiding light that leads and directs when the chips are down.

There are times in life when due to many factors, the temptation to do almost anything weigh so heavily on a person's mind. Setting personal boundaries when entering higher education, for example, may be a necessity at a time when it has become common for university girls to date solely for the purpose of getting money off men. It is only a conscious decision and determination not to engage in such a practice that may be the only voice of reason when there is none around.

When a person is in the midst of everyone behaving badly, the natural tendency is to follow the multitude to do evil. This is often regardless of a person’s natural disposition and pedigree. The reality is that it is more difficult to follow the narrow road when everyone else is on the broad road and they are beckoning for you to come. Often people follow the multitude to act badly simply for the fun of it, some people do not want to be the odd one out. Whatever the cause, no one can afford to go through life making decisions that would affect their entire life with such flippancy.

Many people have been on the path to becoming great in life, only for a photograph or story from their youth to become public knowledge and stifle their path to greatness. Barack Obama, who is constantly praised as a hero and role model to blacks has shown how important it is to live right and to have a plan for the future. Anyone who sets their hearts to greatness must definitely have the future in mind when making everyday decisions even when no one is watching. There simply is no point in pursuing a reckless life and then going on to pursue a career that will expose you to scrutiny.

For many people, a reckless life starts as a bit of fun meant to last for only one day or one experience. It soon becomes an occurrence a second time, and perhaps a third time and eventually a fourth and fifth and then a habit. At this stage it becomes hard to retrace your steps and a person can wonder how they got to this habit as they may not be able to recollect their passage from point A to point G.

Many people who are responsible adults with thriving businesses and families regret their past recklessness, though they felt at the time, they were in control at the time. Some young girls might have joined friends in dating older rich men becoming the biggest ‘aristo’ in town. Life however soon moves on and what seemed so fashionable then now becomes so disgusting and damaging. Some people are never able to rid themselves of the ‘aristo’ tag for life.

This is often an irony that life presents. What appears so interesting today becomes an object of reproach tomorrow. I have heard it said that anyone who learns everything in life by experience is a fool. Why go through an experience to learn your lesson when you can learn from the firsthand experience of numerous other people who had walked the ugly path.

Setting personal boundaries will help you to say ‘these are things I can never do no matter what’. This is probably the only way you can live in a society where decadence is the order of the day. Young girls and young men often date men and women they have no business with, giving the easy excuse that they are hard-up, or there is no way to pay my fees without the help of my ‘rich man.’ The reality is that there are so many other people all over the globe who are in more serious need, who however do not result to finding money by sleeping with a rich man old enough to be their father.

Whether you are young or old, it is never too late to put boundaries in place for yourself. You need to think of who you are and to what you aspire in life; and on the back of this you can say ‘this action is beneath me, or I will never cross this line’.

Below are a few pointers in this direction:

What seems totally acceptable to you today may be terribly repulsive tomorrow. Setting boundaries will help you not to cross lines that you may regret in the future.
Some things you do in life are impossible to erase, so think of the future when you make decisions today.
Having money to hand is not everything, a good name they say is better than gold. Do not allow money to rule your life.
Your life, body and soul is worth far more that money can buy, you are priceless and must see yourself as such.
Do not join multitude to do evil. Differentiate yourself.
Set personal boundaries on morality and relationship with the opposite sex, and you will not regret you did.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Stop Press - The impressive wedding ceremony of Kate Middleton and Prince William earlier today is a case in point for this article. A far-reaching background check would have been made on the young lady turning up nothing incriminating. Kate Middleton who is a 'commoner' will now become the future queen of England and mother of a future queen or king.

Setting Personal Boundaries - Part 2

2011-03-08T14:21:00.001+01:00

In Part 1, we considered the issue of personal boundaries and the need for everyone to have them. Personal boundaries are limits, rules, borders, extents, demarcations, perimeters, fences – whatever you want to call them – which no one will set for you or chase you around to enforce. It’s a matter that is entirely in your own hands and which may affect your destiny in the long run.

You need to set boundaries that you will not breach whatever happens; otherwise you will misbehave one day. No matter how pious you think you are, as long as blood and water flow through your veins you have the tendency to get things wrong, if only occasionally.

I have heard it said that every human being has a period of five minutes of madness. Whether this is true or not may be verified by people’s actions from time to time. Often when a person has been caught misbehaving, they plead for forgiveness and blame it on the leading of the devil. The truth is that having a set of personal boundaries could have averted the misdemeanour. A few years ago, I attended a bridal shower at the home of one of the bride’s friends; after the party the unfortunate hostess found that some jewelery had gone missing from her dressing table. Did they grow legs and walked away, your guess is as good as mine. There are examples of people who visit their friends or relatives taking away photographs, money or other personal items without the knowledge of their friends.

It is common to hear cases where one person has taken another persons’ friendship in good faith, only to be disappointed by the bad behaviour of their supposed close friend. On close examination of such matters, it is obvious that it is personal discipline that one of the people involved has not learnt the discipline of setting and maintaining boundaries in their personal life and also in all their relationships.

People usually open their lives and homes to friends or family members that they trust. Allowing a friend into your bedroom is because there is a close relationship between the two parties. In such cases, it can be easily assumed that the close friend knows that the relationship is based on trust and they should count it a privilege that must not be abused.

Boundaries are an absolute must for any relationship to go far. At times, boundaries can occur in the form of unspoken rules between spouses or friends. Other times, it is a set of rules or code of conducts that is clearly spelt out to members of a team or club. Regardless of the way it occurs, clearly defined boundaries help relationships to succeed.

Everyone who wants to become anything significant in life must set boundaries for themselves. It is only the motivation of an internal boundary that restrains you from taking what is not yours from your friends table.

A healthy belief or values system is very necessary in dealing with matters of life. It is necessary to form clear opinions on life issues, particularly in a society where almost anything is acceptable.

The bottom line is that ‘where there is no law, people find it difficult to restrain themselves’. This is even truer for individuals. If you have no set of personal values within which you operate, you will disappoint people and you will disappoint yourself regularly.

Goals can only be ethically achieved by following an inner leading that has been previously set in place. At the point of pressure, the real person is what comes out. Regardless of the type of exterior that people place around themselves, only a person knows his/her own heart and what they are capable of doing. A person who seems altogether perfect in their behaviour and their outward appearance may fail woefully when no one is around or when the die is cast on a particular matter. This failure is often an evidence of a lack of inner discipline or values.

For an individual, having boundaries is a matter of ‘this is how far I will go on this matter,’ or ‘this is a line that I will never cross.’ Period. When a person has pre-decided what he considers an acceptable personal behaviour, i.e. what he expects from himself, and what he must not do under any circumstances, there is a determination to follow the inner voice of the heart. The lure of money, fame, position and luxury goods are easier to overcome when there are set boundaries.

The tendency to misbehave is so strong if there are no predefined personal ‘codes of conduct’. In such instances a person is like a city without walls, susceptible to almost any attack that is launched at him including temptations to lie, cheat, exploit, steal, betray loved ones or have their way whilst destroying other people along the way.

Below are points to consider in setting your own boundaries:

· You need to carefully consider who you are and know what boundaries you have and which ones you need to set.

· You may need to regularly review your belief system and realign your personal boundaries accordingly.

· Do not assume you can get by without any clearly defined boundaries or beliefs; you may be surprised how you react when under pressure. You may dislike what comes out of you.

· Taking something that is not your property without permission from the owner is called stealing. There is no other way to describe it but theft.

· The earlier in life one sets and get used to having boundaries the better it is in maintaining them and having a disciplined life. However, it is never too late to do what is right, so you can still set up personal boundaries today whatever your age or how far you think you have gone.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Tone Matters!

2011-02-08T11:17:00.003+01:00

Tone matters! This was the advice from Joe Biden, United States Vice President at a retreat for US Congress Democrats early in the New Year. His point was that civility is an absolutely necessity when dealing with people. His advice followed the tragic shootings in America which left six people dead, 14 injured and Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords fighting for her life. The shootings, widely believed to have been fuelled by the vitriolic and gun-totting rhetoric of some politicians was a wake-up signal to Americans many of whom now believe that the new political tone has deviated from the civility of the past. In other words, tone matters.

Modern day life is rather complicated with people facing all kinds of problems and challenges. This means that tone really does mater when we speak to people. A difficult message or rebuke can be passed on to the hearer with a warm and good tone making it easier to accept and to handle. In fact, what makes a harsh word easy to handle is always the tone with which the message is delivered.

The Yorubas have a saying that literally translates ‘”Sorry’ can either be ‘male’ or ‘female’ depending on how it is said.” The ‘male’ sorry is said with sarcasm, totally devoid of any form of empathy and even with a hint of anger. However, the ‘female’ sorry would be the type we all love to hear from people close to us when something goes wrong. It is the ‘sorry’ that is kind, compassionate and empathetic. The difference between these two types of ‘sorry’ is nothing else but the tone with which they are said.

The ability to pass on difficult and perhaps controversial messages is referred to as diplomacy. Someone once made up her own definition of diplomacy as ‘the ability to tell a person to go to hell and the person looks forward to the trip.’ Funny as this may sound; it does echo some truth in what the power of diplomacy can achieve. Diplomacy in speaking is certainly a skill which every person should strive to learn. Some people just have this by nature but many more people have to work hard at getting a grip of it. It is of utmost importance that everyone particularly those who have leadership roles of any sort understand the importance of communicating with the proper tone and using the right words.

People in authority do have the responsibility to nurture those they lead. Leaders, managers and supervisors have a reasonable degree of influence over the people they lead or manage. This makes their words weighty and of a much higher impact to the hearers. Responsible leaders should therefore handle any form of leadership role very seriously, having at the back of their minds that they have a role to nurture and to build up their followers. This means that a leader can not afford to take for granted the impact his words can have over the lives of people who listen to them. Words should be chosen wisely and carefully considered when dealing with people. Everyone should also seek to understand the implications of the choice of their words over other people.

Let us consider a man or woman that holds an important position in society and who has recently become your mentor. This is a person you look up to as a good and decent leader, perhaps he is someone you wish to emulate as you progress in your career. One way or another, we all have someone who occupies such a role in our lives. For some it may be a lecturer whose approach is fresh and progressive or it may be a religious leader. In some cases it may even be a parent or a family member who is understanding and kind when all other people do not seem to understand. Even young people who may be students or learning a trade may be surprised to know that some teenagers may be looking up to them and holding on to everything that they say. We therefore need to be careful not only with what we say but how we say it because somebody, somewhere may be influenced negatively or even damaged by our tone.

We all have the need to learn how to make ‘tone’ work in our favour when we relate to people. It makes a world of a difference in what people hear and how it makes them feel. The following are further points in this regard:

· Your tone is often a matter of choice; you can deliver the same message with a choice of a harsh or a warm tone.

· Try to put yourself in the position of the hearers, what can you hear? If you don’t like what you hear then change the tone.

· Your tone has the power to build up or to tear down a situation or a person.

· You can be firm and strict about a situation without using a harsh or nasty tone.

· Regularly using a bad tone will eventually become a habit that might ruin your life or even your career as everyone tags you as nasty.

· Being gracious with your tone costs the giver nothing but deeply enriches the hearers.

· Being gracious also buys the giver unspeakable goodwill.

· Tone matters! Watch yours.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Setting Personal Boundaries Part 1

2010-10-24T23:30:00.005+01:00

Setting personal boundaries is not the most exciting of things to discuss but is however one of the most important aspects of living.

We often hear in the news how tourists stray away from their originally intended country into another country through a border that is not clearly defined. Usually it gets on the news because they have been arrested and perhaps paraded on TV. Although these cases are often due to strained diplomatic relations between two countries, the lesson can be learnt of how much hassle can be generated from going beyond one’s boundaries. In many of these cases, it takes a lot of pleading by people and negotiating before the captives are released. This shows the lesson of knowing where ones boundaries lie and keeping within those boundaries.

The example above relates to the boundaries of a country. However, people, states and even tribes have their own boundaries. These boundaries are physical lines which demarcate one area from the other. Aside from these physical lines which can be seen clearly on maps, people groups and nations have codes of conduct and ‘ways of life’ or even ‘dos and don’ts which guide them and form their ways of living and how they are known.

Individuals also need to set and maintain their own personal boundaries. This is a task that no one can do for another person, each individual must set their personal boundaries to live a successful life. There is a saying which goes ‘a person without boundaries is like a city without walls’. You can only imagine what would become of a city without walls. It means that every kind of enemy has free rein if they choose to attack such a city. It denotes no covering, no shelter; it is like being left defenceless in the midst of enemies. It is a terribly precarious situation for anyone to find themselves.

Everyone needs boundaries in order to function at an optimal level, the good thing is that these are personal boundaries and no one else needs to be involved. No outside agency or person needs to be involved in the limits you place on your self. But these limits are invaluable in exercising self discipline and keeping oneself in check.

Life as we know it is degenerating with each passing day, and more of the things that were previously unheard of have become acceptable in our world. It appears that boundaries are pushed every so often and some ideas that would have raised eyebrows a few years ago are now seen as okay. These can range from the mundane issues of life to the very serious and often controversial topics.

Individuals can make choices they consider acceptable and what is not acceptable. A person’s life and what they make out of it is simply a matter that is left entirely to them. However, there are gentle voices within each of us that lead and guide us and inform our decisions, some call it ‘conscience’ or ‘inner leading’. What you choose to call the gentle voice is not what matters, it is the job it does that counts.

The boundaries which we set in our lives form invisible guides that help us make the right choices. They also help in identifying the way out when facing dire consequences in cases where we have made the wrong decisions. Whether we use our reasoning abilities for ensuring we made good decisions or for getting out of difficult circumstances, these are limits that must be present in order for us not to go off the rails.

Personal boundaries are a necessity as they help you when no one else is present and there is a temptation to misbehave. Everyone surely has a propensity to misbehave no matter how disciplined they are, it is however the presence of ‘personal boundaries’ that stops you from taking the perfume on your friends dressing table even though no one else is around to see.

When lewd images pop up on your computer screen, when there is an offer of making money from a dirty deal or when you know you can achieve success without working hard, it is the presence of boundaries that determines what you choose regardless of how you feel.

A person who strives to have integrity or who is destined for greatness will need to set out these personal limits which will put them in check when they are on the verge of being derailed.

The truth is that anyone can be derailed, no matter how righteous or pious they may seem or even how many good intentions they have. If you remember the saying ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’, one will quickly realise that more than good intentions is needed to stay on the straight and narrow path.

It was this same straight and narrow path that aided Mr Obama to achieve success in his political career and make history as the first black President of the United States of America. If Mr Obama had even the littlest blemish, it would have become public and his reputation would certainly have been tarnished. Perhaps some people who were willing to vote for him and let go of their prejudices may not have been convinced. His squeaky clean record did him a lot of good in getting him into the white house.

Below are a few points to consider about setting personal boundaries:

· Personal boundaries are like limits you set for yourself which guide you when no one else is present.

· Personal boundaries are like a gate or a fence that partitions one area from another. It makes it almost impossible to stray into an unauthorised zone.

· Personal boundaries will keep you in check when no one else is looking or bothered about what you do.

· Setting these boundaries for yourself will help in climbing the success ladder and positioning you for greatness.

· Mr Obama is an example of a man who no one could smear with any dirt that might have caused him the election. This was likely due to the personal limits he set for himself as a young man.

· You must be convinced enough by your boundaries in order to stay by them.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Learning to say ‘No’ - A survival factor?

2010-09-16T11:09:00.004+01:00

Many of us would know of stories and folklores in our cultures and traditions of ‘characters’ that got into trouble simply because they did not know how to say ‘No’. Some times we know that the answer to a request should be negative but we simply choose to say ‘Yes’ or keep mute for whatever reason. This is often followed by regrets and stress as there may have been a commitment made which can not be seen through, either because we are incapable of doing so or because it is impossible to do so.

For many people of African descent, sentiments are very much a part of the culture and in turn a huge part of our lives. Sentiment may mean the inability to say ‘No’ to the request of someone who we place in a position of respect in our lives. For some people this is still the case even when the request is absolutely impossible to deliver. This may be from a boss, a family member, religious leader or even colleagues. Many people have compromised themselves, been implicated in criminal activity, engaged in immoral acts and even destroy their families because of their inability to say ‘No’.

The truth is that it is totally unwise to promise to get something done solely because of sentiments. Whilst it is noble to want to assist or support people, care must be taken not to become known as a person with no integrity because some of your promises have not been delivered.

Good intentions, pity or respect for elders are not good enough reasons to become a person with no integrity. As it is often said, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Whilst you may not start out with bad intentions, it is known that having a desire to do good is often not the only factor necessary in getting the good deed done.

For many people, promising and not delivering is no longer a big deal. For them it is the order of the day just because they find it difficult to say ‘No’ even when it is the right thing to do. What is sometimes worrying is that many people equate being assertive to being confrontational, so they never assert themselves even when their lives depend on it. They will rather pressure themselves on money they do not have to meet the aspiration of someone else. It is true that a good number of people do not go out to behave in this manner but find themselves in circumstances where they are unable to sum up the courage to say ‘No’.

You may not always be able to prevent yourself from these challenging circumstances as society will constantly place demands on you - some which are reasonable and some which are not. The important lesson is to know how to deftly handle these situations and maturely respond to demands you know are beyond your capability. This is where the ability to say ‘No’ may be a necessary survival factor especially in our culture. You simply need to be able to say ‘No’ sometimes for you to survive and live in peace.

Saying ‘No’ does not have to be a nasty experience for either the ‘sayer’ or the ‘hearer’. It is a useful instrument that can be employed if and when necessary for the sake of your integrity and also for the sake of people around you who may be at the receiving end of the consequences of your actions.

Assertiveness skills are fundamental in successful communication. It is a skill that is important for students, professionals and managers alike. The following are tips in this direction:

1. If you know that the answer to a request should be ‘No’, do so politely.

2. Saying ‘No’ does not always require aggression, an argument, raised voice or stern look. What you need to do is to make your points known clearly and very firmly.

3. Do not succumb to emotional blackmail or reverse psychology in matters where your integrity, morality and future can be compromised.

4. Your integrity, dignity and future may depend on your ability to say ‘No’ when necessary.

5. Do not allow yourself to be railroaded into something you clearly do not have the capability or desire to do.

6. It is better to under-promise and over-deliver than to over-promise and under-deliver.

7. For harassment cases, you need to be very firm and make yourself clear without necessarily shouting.

8. For young ladies, if you feel you are being pestered by someone for sex, do not play along or make it a smiling matter, register your objection firmly and determinedly.

9. Saying ‘No’ requires a reasonable degree of courage, so be courageous.

10. Your inability to say ‘No’ early could land you into trouble and ruin your relationships.

11. You do not have to say ‘No’ to all things if they are within your power and ability to deliver.

12. This article is not to get people to start to say ‘No’ to all things, but to help you know how to say ‘No’ when appropriate and how to ensure you do not compromise yourself.

We all benefit when we do things right!

The Etiquette of Personal Space

2010-07-31T16:11:00.006+01:00

Personal space is simply the space around someone wherever they are; say a distance of one metre radius could be seen as their personal space. On a queue, in a bus, at a party, everywhere, anywhere, public or private, everyone has their own personal space no matter who they are.

Personal space represents comfort zones for people and has nothing to do with status or position in society, it is a right you have by virtue of your presence in any specific place. Personal space is such an important part of modern living and relating to people. Although it is easily assumed that everyone understands and accepts the concept of respecting other peoples' personal space. However, some people get into trouble at work because they have not learnt not to invade the privacy of their colleagues or boss.

Here are some examples of tips and things to avoid in order not to invade other people’s personal space:

Touching people – Touching people with whom you do not have close ties can be going out of your boundaries. Some people get carried away when they laugh and slap their hands on anyone around. This is clearly a no-no. Touch, even if casual, is personal as it is an expression of affection which should be mutual between two people. Given that we are generally quite tactile, it is better to avoid touching people until a closer relationship is established. In other words do not touch or hold people’s hands or shoulder when you are trying to make a point in any discussion.

Standing too close to people – When talking to people, do not get too close, if a person backs away a little, when talking to them, you are probably encroaching on their comfort zone. The same goes for handshaking, leave a reasonable distance and do not hold on to peoples' hands unnecessarily.

Brushing your body against other people – This may happen in narrow spaces when one person is trying to get pass another, when queuing or even in buses. It is better to wait for someone to walk through a narrow space rather than squeezing through and brushing someone's body whether they are of the same gender or not. You could face a disciplinary action at work, as this is tantamount to sexual harassment. Inside a bus, apply the same discretion in order not to invade other people’s space.

Sitting too close – to someone who is already seated may be seen in some cultures as an invasion of their personal space. To avoid this, it is advisable to leave some space between a person already seated except when all the other seats are taken. For example, if someone is in Seat A, it is expected you at least leave a distance of one seat and take Seat C or take a seat on the next row. However, where most of the seats have filled up, you are free to sit next to anyone where there is a free seat.

The same goes for a house where there are two sofas, if your host is sitting at the edge of Sofa 1, it is expected that you sit on sofa 2 but close enough to engage in a conversation.

Talking over people – If you happen to be holding a conversation with Miss Ade who is three seats away, you may well be speaking over someone's head (if you are standing) or even leaning over another person to get near. Either way, the correct thing to do is to move nearer to avoid talking over someone's head or leaning over their legs.

Rifling through someone's desk – Whether at work or home, this is a serious case of invading personal privacy. Anything that is not yours requires permission before you can read or use even if it is work related projects. Project papers that have not been handed over to the team should not be accessed without due permission.

Going through someone’s email, letters or mobile phone – It is quite common for someone to pick up another person's mobile phone and scroll through their call list or even contact details. This is an infringement of privacy. The same goes for reading hand written notes, emails, text messages, letters and bills, going through handbags drawers or wardrobe.

No matter how close a friend is to you, the rule of personal space should never be taken for granted. If you have an informal or business relationship with someone, it is even more important that you recognise their space and keep a safe distance whilst being warm and cordial.

Others – being loud on your phone in a public space, shouting, dragging your feet or chair in an environment where other people are concentrating on something, eating food with a very strong smell, playing your music loud are other ways you may be infringing on peoples' privacy and should be avoided.

Finally, respecting someone's personal space simply means that you allow them to be the master of their own little space; this means you create an artificial boundary in your mind and seek to never break through that boundary unless you have their permission or have been clearly invited.

Trying to get close by invading their personal space or throwing yourself at someone is often a futile practice as you are more likely to irritate the person you are trying to befriend.

Entering someone’s space usually means that you are defining a new relationship with them, which is mutually agreed.

The lesson is to allow everyone to be the master of their own space, whether they are young or old, slave or free.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Dealing with ‘Awuf’ Mentality

2010-05-31T13:23:00.008+01:00

Sometimes ago, we looked at how to handle freebies. I'm hoping we can explore this issue further by looking at the infamous concept of ‘awuf’. In our society, whatever we are not paying for is generally regarded as 'awuf' or ‘awoof’. This includes freebies, someone else’s phone or even food. This probably led to the coinage of the phrase “awuf no dey run belle”. However, what one person regards as 'awuf' would in all probability have been paid for in time or money by another person lending credence to another phrase that says “there is no such thing as a free lunch”. The issue is that those who are taking advantage of the ‘awuf' are either knowingly oblivious or simply callous, and naïve. Please pardon my strong language but I do not have other words to describe a person who visits a friend at home and brings out his address book to start to make phone calls on the friend’s line. (Sorry, land phones and address books are items of the pre-GSM era in Nigeria). Several calls are made when the host is not in sight and unaware of the havoc caused until six weeks later when the telephone bill arrives. You begin to rack your brains to analyse the events of six weeks ago - Who visited? Where were you? How could they have spent 15 minutes on an international call without anyone seeing them? And so the list of probing questions goes on.

If you have the unenviable task of mediating in such a matter, what do you say to each of the parties involved? Do you tell the person whose telephone has been used without his consent to forget about it? If he does; who will cough up the money to pay the bill? Sadly in matters like this, the power of sentiments overrules logical reasoning, and fairness is replaced by the need to save face for the culprit. Shouldn’t he be made to face the music and pay the bill, perhaps he may learn a lesson or two. You may be wondering why a harsh sentence is being meted out by me to the party who has used another person’s phone without their consent. My question is ‘Who should be expected to pay such a bill? Is it the innocent party who has allowed a guest into their home? Is this fair?

What does not change regardless of how many questions you asked is the telephone bill which remains unpaid until you tendered your hard earned money to settle the bill. This is a matter that has caused many a quarrel, some of which may result in bitter feuds between family members or lifelong friends.

The point of this article is to examine the mentality of the average African person who is quick to assume that anything that appears not to be tightly controlled is free and should be quickly exploited. We often refuse to be reasonable with other people’s property or anything loaned to us simply because we did not pay for it. Our thinking is that nothing free must be let go even when it is of no use to us.

Further examples are food at parties, office luncheons, in-flight wine. Many people who may not be habitual consumers of alcohol become drunk on flights for no other reason than this 'awuf mentality'. It is a mentality that causes people to misbehave and destroy their dignity. Some people even take home flight blankets justifying it by saying, “it’s part of the money I paid for the flight ticket”. Little wonder that Nigerians are mistreated by many airlines.

A few points to ponder:

1. Whatever may be on offer, learn to put yourself in check so as not to disgrace yourself. The natural tendency of many of us is to grab what we can when the opportunity presents itself, particularly when it is free, or to take as much as you can regardless of who else is entitled. This is why our politicians loot, our public servants steal and our corporate executives are crooks.

2. Think! Do you really need those things that are given out freely at parties?

Do you really need an extra mug for tea?

Do you really need an extra bin made of metal that will probably cut your finger?

Do you really need an extra bowl?

Think about the many bowls, mugs and bins you already have at home that are littering your kitchen. If we think properly, we will realise that the only reason we take those things from parties is because of ‘awuf mentality’ not because of need.

3. Consider the damage to your relationships when you use something that does not belong to you without the knowledge of the owner or when you over-use what was lent to you. Consider also the other major consequence of such a behaviour. Often you miss out on a big thing because you mishandled the little.

4. There is no such thing as a free lunch; almost nothing in this world is actually free, even if you don't pay for it somebody else does.

5. Some people over-eat at parties or eat food that have gone-off and spend the next 24 hours paying for their foolishness with ‘running’ tummy. Who says awuf no de ‘run’ belle? It does.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Lessons in Waiting for Your Turn

2010-04-07T11:55:00.002+01:00

Many years ago, I was told a story, first hand, by a relative of how he had behaved badly on his first visit abroad. He had gone into the Post Office presumably to buy some stamps. There was a long queue of people waiting patiently for the next cubicle to become free and for the Customer Service Assistant to call out '' next please''. However, this relative simply ignored the queue and walked straight up to the next free Customer Service Assistant to demand for postage stamps. Needless to say, the people who had been queuing lashed out at him and called him all kinds of unprintable names. Sadly, in this case he had asked for the insults by his bad and careless behaviour and he got what he asked for.

More recently, whilst I was recounting this story at a training session, a lady graciously got up and offered her own version of a very similar story. She was on a trip to the United States and had gone into a fast food restaurant; she also was totally oblivious of the queue and proceeded 'innocently' to the checkout. She also got abuse, some of it racial that suggested she get some manners from her African heritage. We all know that racial insults are unacceptable in whatever context, but unfortunately, a sure way to not get it, is to not ask for it. By this I mean do not behave in a manner that will attract insults from people.

The antidote to not being insulted is to learn acceptable customs and practices for various situations. These would apply whether at home or abroad, as the saying goes 'what is good for the goose is also good for the gander. Anyone who has taken the pains and discipline to act properly and to observe etiquette and protocol in campus or at the local 'mama put' restaurant in Lagos will not be caught unawares if they suddenly find themselves at the dining hall of their university in Atlanta where they are pursuing a Masters programme on scholarship.

'Charity begins at home' as they say, meaning it is your conduct at home that you take outside the home. The basic lesson here is to not despise the fact that you are at home in your town or village in Nigeria and behave as if anything goes. Start to behave well wherever you are and you will never suffer indignity anywhere.

Some people may be give excuses to justify jumping the queue or for other rude behaviour. For example, people are wont to say that because most people behave badly, it is irrelevant if they try to do right as they are a lone voice in the midst of an unruly crowd. For some the saying 'this is how it is done here' is enough encouragement to continue with the status quo.

However, regardless of the reasons given, the need and importance of waiting for your turn cannot be overemphasised; it is a basic civility in our world and a noble practice that is also a universally accepted language. It is understood and expected in every decent and reasonable culture and it is thus a necessary skill to embrace.

We have returned to the simple manner of waiting for your turn again because it cannot be taken for granted as there are many people who just do not recognise a queue when they see one. Somehow their brains do not pick up the signal from their eyes that says there is a line and you are expected to join it. So here are some pointers:

1. There are so many places where people are required to wait for their turn just to ensure a speedy and chaos-free service. Basically everywhere people congregate, queues are to be expected and honoured. Be it at the supermarket, bank, restaurant, or even at the hospital. It may be as mundane as a local market or an information desk at the airport. In any place where a queue forms, the reason is so that people can be seen in the order in which they arrived.

2. This ensures fairness in service delivery and also a smooth and efficient system. No one likes to be taken advantage of by people who are more powerful or influential. We all consider it as being unfair at the bank when a rich person is taken to the front of the queue and given attention whilst others wait on cashiers who seem uninterested in their work. In the same vein we owe it to one another as citizens of Nigeria and also as human beings to try to make life easier and the world a better place by following basic etiquette in public places. Your time is not more precious than the man standing next to you.

3. Joining the queue is for everyone to do whether rich, poor in a hurry or not.

4. If you have an urgent matter at hand and cannot wait on the queue, the right thing to do is to ask the person in front of you if you can possibly go ahead of them.

5. Remember to ask politely, using the words 'please' and 'thank you' as necessary.

6. The habits you form as your daily behaviour will elevate you or demote you one day.

7. If you take the pain to do what is right in the village where no one notices, you will probably do the same one day in the city and you will be celebrated.

8. Willingness to join a queue is an act that speaks of the state of your heart; it speaks of a humble nature ready to comply with decency and given authority.

9. Only confident people are strong enough to submit to authority.

10. Expect to be served in the order in which you have sought a service; never expect to go ahead of people present before you.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Handling Freebies – My observation at a hotel lobby

2010-03-01T23:51:00.002+01:00

Whilst sitting at the entrance to a conference hall in a hotel recently, I looked at the reception area. The human traffic was interesting as all kinds of people went about their various business and activities. Some were staff of the hotel walking with fast strides to their next assignment and some were guests on holiday and in a completely relaxed mood. Some were couples holding hands and laughing, others, young parents carrying children to or from their rooms. It was beautiful to see how people relate to one another.

I watched with interest as people - young, middle age and old meandered around the front desk. People from all walks of life - the upwardly mobile, and the technician in overalls executing their business around the hotel, entire families dressed up and on their way out of the hotel to a function or a family day together.

This is not the first time that I would look over the lobby area and just watch what happens and how human beings behave. I would often take a few minutes to appreciate the interesting character of people - the good, the bad and the rather ugly. On a normal day, this would be the sort of thing that would interest me. I would sit and take in the beauty of love as each man emerged with their respective spouses - the elderly, the very young and the glamorous. I would be fascinated by how they walked or even the chemistry between the spouses.

On this occasion however, my primary focus had nothing to do with what people wore or how they walked, I was captivated by the reaction of various people to a bowl of sweets that was placed strategically in the centre of the reception desk. The hotel had been gracious to offer these sweets freely to anyone who walked pass the reception area. So gracious were they that the bowl was replenished every so often and there was hardly ever any moment when supply ran low.

So I watched as my fellow Nigerians approached the sweets. My first observation on this particular Saturday was of a couple with three children. The children approached the sweets and I saw the first child dip his hand into the bowl coming up with five or six sweets, this exercise was repeated by the other siblings whilst the mother looked on and waited for them to finish their display of utter greed. I watched and hoped to see this mother scold her children or insist that they drop some of the sweets but she appeared perfectly happy with her children’s ability to 'fight for their rights'.

Sadly, as I continued to watch, many other parties manifested the same behaviour. Hardly did I see anyone who took just one sweet. The minimum taken by anyone was two whilst the majority of people took between three and six, perhaps up to 10 in some cases. I wondered why it is not in our behaviour to take only one of anything we are offered. It is not only the decent thing to do but also the noble and right thing to do.

Dipping your hand into a bowl left in a public and picking more than one sweet says you have no regards for anyone who may be coming behind you. You probably may think that you were there first and so the lion share belongs to you. You may also think that the hotel can afford to replenish the bowl. However, I am persuaded that it is more honourable to give due consideration to other people who are coming after you by only taking one. This shows that you are disciplined and not ruled by your desires. My belief is that no matter what the item in question may be, you probably would not die if you do not take any of it at all. In any event, if the sweets were not there, you will still live. If that is the case, then you can probably do without the sweet or cake or even food at a party. It only makes sense therefore to take what is honourable and what would not dent your image.

My point is that you may not have been expecting to be offered free sweets or free food, if you then get the opportunity to be offered what you did not expect, then the best behaviour to adopt is to be sensible and disciplined about what you take. Even when you are desperate for the sweets, a maximum of two is fine, if you need more, then cross the road to buy from the nearest vendor.

As I watched the children helped themselves to about six sweets each, struggling to pick up as many as their tiny hands could carry and almost tipping the glass bowl over in the process, I saw both their hands full of sweets and without a single rebuke from their parents. I wondered if children as young as seven could have this attitude to a privilege that was offered to them, how would these same children react to being placed in a position where the national purse is at their disposal? We all know that if a person can steal 10 Kobo out of 1 Naira, then they are probably capable of taking 100 million out of 1 billion naira if given the chance. After all, both thefts are 10%.

My suggestions are as follows:

· Parents must train young children to possess discipline, contentment and the ability to take their eyes off what is not theirs whether it is offered to them or not.

· Young adults are at a crucial point in life and they need to understand the above virtues. These are the attitudes that set people apart and make them stand out; a simple matter like taking only one sweet may decide the future of a person – whether you get a job or not as this may be part of the test by a prospective employer.

· For everyone else, a major part of discipline is learning to master your desires.

We all benefit when we do things right.

Managing Expectations - Part 1

2010-01-27T21:44:00.005+01:00

I have noticed that very few relationships in Nigeria last the test of time. Arguably, every relationship has its ups and downs and with mature disposition, the challenging times can easily be handled without serious damage. However, in my view, we often seem to deliberately look for ways to destroy relationships we have built over the years with our own hands. It does not matter which type of relationship you nominate for scrutiny – husband/wife, parent/child, church, work or friendships, we have a way of hitting it off with people quickly and before you can say ‘Jack Robinson’ we sever the relationship.

Obviously, there are different reasons why relationships break down, I have however found that a major reason why we have a rather high incident of problem relationships is because of the unrealistic expectations we place on one another. For example, the general way of thought is that once somebody has a reasonable accommodation and a car, that person MUST be ‘loaded’ and MUST be ready to solve any financial worries we present. This is irrespective of the period of time we have known each other or whether there is any serious tie. We often do not understand that some people may be asset rich and cash poor.

The following are suggestions towards building a successful relationship and keeping it for the long run:

Let all your relationships be based on what you can offer – This, by far, is the most important way to forge a meaningful and successful relationship. Rather than concentrating on what you can get from a relationship, be concerned with what you bring in to that relationship. This way, it is almost impossible to have unmet expectations because you are not expecting anything. Of course, you may benefit from a relationship, but the suggestion here is to let your focus be on what you can offer your friend, family, church or work colleague and not the other way round.

If everyone would follow this approach, we will all develop meaningful, healthy and lasting relationships. It’s simple, if I am not focused on what I can get in a relationship, it will be unnecessary to fake anything or manipulate anyone to get my way. In other words, relationships are real when the focus is on what we bring rather than what we can get.

Be realistic – This is another way of saying do not have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationship matters. When you set unrealistic expectations, you are setting your friend, spouse, colleague or brethren to fail and at the same time setting yourself up for disappointment. It is pertinent to say that what you think is no big deal may be a very unrealistic expectation to someone else. For example, it is unrealistic to ask a friend to forego their food just because you are hungry. It is unrealistic to expect a friend to fund your daughter’s wedding. It is unrealistic to expect a friend to lend you a substantial amount of money to buy a new car etc.

Give people the opportunity to say ‘No’ – Whenever you need to ask a favour that may inconvenience others; never put them in a difficult situation where they fear your friendship will be jeopardised. The right thing to do therefore when asking for favours is to ask in such a way that the other person will find it easy, if they so choose, to say ‘no’. For example, it is better to say:

Would you be available for me to visit tonight or will you let me know when it will be convenient for you?

With the above question, it is easy for the person to say “let’s try tomorrow or next week as I’m not available tonight”. Unfortunately, some people will announce as a matter of fact:

“I’m on my way to your house and I will see you in 20 minutes”.

They care less if the person they wish to visit is prepared to receive guests and they offer him no room to refuse either.

Remember, people may agree to your manipulations and scheming for a while but they will eventually see the light and refuse the attempt by you to continue to ride them.

Be sincere – Sincerity is the missing tool in most relationships that break down. Check yourself:

Are you sincere with friends, families or colleagues in the things you say or do?
Do you try to make people have a different opinion of you?
Why is this so?

People who are not sincere can not handle those who are, so they always have unrealistic expectations which go unmet. As a result, they are unable to keep lasting relationships.

In my view, there is nothing better than being yourself. No effort is required to be yourself. Keeping a relationship with anyone, even with God demands sincerity, so be sincere. This way, you will find you are able to express yourself easier and your relationships will be far more honest, meaningful and fruitful.

Be appreciative – If you are more interested in giving into a relationship than receiving; if you are realistic about what you expect from people; you will find that it will be easy to be appreciative whenever you are offered anything by anyone. Those who go into relationships with the objective of what they can derive from it will find it difficult to be appreciative as they are usually unrealistic with their expectations. The same goes for those who go into relationships with insincerity. Because they are more interested in what they will get from the relationship, they may even be extraordinarily nice and give more than is necessary for a while. They are therefore unappreciative if they are confronted with a sincere partner who gives without any ulterior motive.

Written by Gbenga Badejo - a Partner at ParkRoyalFinishingSchool, www.lagosfinishingschool.com - the leading provider of Etiquette, Ambassador, Business and Life Skills programmes.

I am on my way - whatever that means!

2009-09-28T13:05:00.005+01:00

You are desperate for a particular item, there is a deadline and you have asked someone to help you get this item, this person knows about the deadline. Two hours after the deadline, the person is yet to arrive. You pick up the telephone and place a call to this person to ask the very simple question 'Where are you?' The response is a flat and unspecific 'I'm on my way.' The answer does not help you or the situation as you are unable to determine how long it will take the person to arrive.

You get exasperated and usually ask the question again as your desire is to get a specific answer in order to conclude a travelling plan. At this stage, any answer short of the exact location is unacceptable hence the repetition of the same question 'Where exactly are you'. Unfortunately, the answer you may continue to get even after several attempts is pretty much the same - 'I am on my way'.

It is common knowledge that the average Nigerian is not exactly straightforward. It is believed that he thinks of many possible answers to a question and decides on which one to give depending on the situation at hand and the impression that he needs to create. This is known in the Nigerian parlance as 'scoping' and it supposedly allows the person answering the question to gain the upper hand over the person asking the question.

It is likely that someone who gives the 'I'm on my way' answer is in the habit of 'scoping' before answering any question. For many this has become a habit that is almost impossible to shift, one that has become a part of the person, a second skin, no longer noticeable to the carrier.

The answer 'I'm on the way' is not here or there, it means nothing. So saying this allows a person to gain extra time or power over the person to whom they are accountable. The person also has an opportunity to change the story and location if the conversation does not go their way.

As with every habit, you may not even know it is part of you because it has become a daily practice. Remember that a habit is simply what you do regularly, perhaps what you have done for five, 10 or 20 years. No way in this world would you easily accept that it is bad because it is now part of your life. This is the same reason why it is so difficult to convince a person that he is not being straightforward.

Sadly, in the quest to prove smart and be able to play a mind game, people often short change themselves. They are quickly branded as evasive and untrustworthy and they ultimately lose out. This loss may be on a seemingly small scale, nothing to cry over, but it may also be on a much larger scale with effects that reach beyond the individual's imagination. Sometimes people lose out on what would have been a change to their destiny because of a little lie.

I recently spoke to a gentleman who was on an errand from his boss to me. He was bringing some materials to me which I needed to use at a meeting later that day. The gentleman called me at 10am to let me know he was in my area. To save him time and the hassle of travel, I directed him to wait for me in front of a popular eatery a minute's walk from where he said he was and I would meet him in 10 minutes. I arrived at the eatery in no time and could not find this gentleman. When I called him on the phone to inquire of his whereabouts, he told me he was at the eatery. When I informed him I was parked at the entrance of the eatery and my vehicle was the only one there, he then said 'I'm on my way'. I repeated the question 'Where are you?' several times and I got the same answer. I had to insist that the gentleman let me know his exact location. Only then did I find out that he was still on an Okada bike and making his way to the eatery – a different story from what he had told me on the phone.

Even now, I don’t know if he had intentionally misled me or he had gotten lost or confused as to his exact location. In any case, he had made our conversation unproductive by withholding the required information. When I took my time to think about it, I realised that if he had been straightforward in the first instance, the entire episode would have been easier on both of us.

My question to him was to determine exactly where he was and if necessary to adjust my journey plans in order to meet him at a more convenient place for him. I guess if he knew this he would have given me a clearer answer. He had tried to 'scope' me. Unfortunately, he got it very wrong.

One lesson from this story is to tell the truth and never to assume. If you are unsure of about a question, it is better to clarify by asking exactly what is meant. If it is a direct question, it is better to offer the correct and direct answer rather than an evasive answer.

Life is certainly easier if people are more straightforward. Potential problems and bottlenecks can also be avoided when the facts are plain and open. Contrary to peoples beliefs, telling the truth about a potentially bad situation is always better. It is never easy to do but it is the best method of averting a more damaging situation.

If I had the exact location of my errand bearer, I would have taken a different route to meet him and would have been more appreciative of his effort in delivering the item. I would have given him extra money for his transport fare though I knew he had been given money by his boss. In all he would have benefited from running an errand and I would have been happy.

Please remember to be straightforward as it is better and saves time in the long run.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Stealing by stealth

2009-08-11T11:03:00.015+01:00

Stealing? Not me! This could be your reaction to the title of this article, but are you stealing by stealth? I have discovered that being light fingered is so rampant in our society that I am inviting readers to give this a thought and share with me their experience on this matter.

This article is not about armed robbery or heavyweight thievery by politicians, this is about you and me. For example, you have in your possession a book which is not yours, it has been on your bookshelf for two years with the owner's name written on it, the owner hasn’t asked for it and you have not offered to return it. You may have become comfortable having the book in your possession with the passage of time. "I didn’t steal it after all and the owner possibly knows that I have it". But does it make it yours? Does it really matter?

Stealing can be defined as 'taking or keeping what is not your own without the owners permission'. It is a practice that no one would readily admit to, after all, it is the 8^thcommandment and no one wants to feel they are breaking God's rule. So they adjust the goal post by redefining what constitutes stealing.

Stealing can exist in many different forms - the big, the small or the unnoticeable. For example using someone's phone without their permission is stealing. It's as good as stealing the person's money because the owner will have to pay the bill. This type of stealing by stealth is so covert and ordinary that you may successfully convince yourself that you have done nothing wrong.

Perhaps you are in the habit of claiming someone's belongings by bravado, it's still stealing by stealth particularly if the person is unwilling to part with it.

In Nigeria today, our definition of stealing has changed so drastically. Words and phrases like 'doing the business', 'carrying out runs' or 'odu' have replaced the simple and direct words like 'ole', 'barawo', 'onyeoshi' which emphatically speaks of theft. Experiences of friends taking items without permission, books lent out and never returned, pens disappearing from your desk, office stationery being used for personal business are all too common.

It is also a common occurrence these days that the leftover change from an errand is assumed to belong to the person who has carried out the errand. If you ask for the money, the party who has done the errand gets upset and labels you as mean, harsh, wicked and selfish. But let us examine this case without any sentiments. To whom does the change rightly belong? When has it become the norm not to return leftover change. This is a case of keeping what is not offered to you.

Sometimes people take things that are important to others. Late one Sunday evening, my husband found out he needed a once in a year insert from that day's edition of the UK Sunday Times. A friend of his who was at our home said he knew someone that was coming to Lagos within days and he generously placed a call to the United Kingdom to request for her assistance. This lady dashed out of her house in London at about 8pm to look for the newspaper and succeeded in getting one which she delivered to my husband's friend a few days later on her arrival in Lagos. Before this could be passed to my husband, someone else visited the office of my husband's friend whilst he was out and took the paper without informing him. But for his secretary who was present, it would have been a case of whodunit. My husband did not get his newspaper even with the international call and the massive effort of the poor lady, just because someone could not look and ignore.

Regardless of how you may convince yourself and your chosen views about taking other peoples property, if it is without permission, it is wrong and it is an act of stealing. It may not matter how close you are to the person or the fact that you think 'they may not mind'. Perhaps, contrary to your belief, they may be holding their peace because they are unwilling to embarrass you.

Not too long ago, the African society so radically shunned the act of stealing, meting out stiff punishments to culprits, often with families disowning their own in order to make a statement, and as a testament to the accepted cultural values.

Let us ponder on the following guiding points:

1. If you do not have permission to take another persons belonging, then you may be guilty of stealing even if you don’t realise you have.

2. You may never know how other people perceive you. Perhaps you see your behaviour as normal, others may see it as 'thieving.'

3. A rule of thumb may be to ALWAYS expressly ask before you take or keep anything that doesn't belong to you and also to return what you borrowed.

4. What you do regularly (once a month, or even once in three months) becomes a habit which ultimately becomes a part of your person.

5. Your personality is the sum total of your person. How does your personality affect your career, social life and even reputation in the community?

6. Everything you do has consequences either for bad or for good.

7. Let's call a spade what it is, stealing is stealing, whether it is outright or by stealth. Refrain!

We all benefit when we do things right!

Personal Hygiene – handling body odour

2009-06-30T19:24:00.012+01:00

Very few people can find the courage to tell anyone else that they have body odour. That’s exactly the problem with body odour. If you have it, everyone knows except you because no one is willing to tell you.

If you ever wondered then, why people who have body odour are not able to shake it off easily, it’s probably because nobody ever tells them. Of course, it's indeed a difficult issue to bring up with anyone and we shall deal with this matter in another post.

The truth is that everyone has the tendency to smell. If you live in a hot climate where the sun shines everyday with vengeance, you are bound to sweat. Like every waste product from the body, sweat can smell which means anybody that sweats may smell.

Now that we know anyone can smell irrespective of social class or financial height, it is the responsibility of each of us to handle this matter properly. This is especially important as you may be the last to know, if at all you ever do. Unfortunately body odour can be quite offensive and embarrassing particularly to those who have to work or live in close proximity with the bearer. It may also stifle a person's career or business growth as people generally avoid a person with serious body odour.

The following are guidelines that can help deal with this delicate but important matter. Please note that the guidelines are not a substitute for medical help and are not intended to be:

We are all used to our body smell so it is easy to assume everything is all right when it isn't. It is therefore necessary to find out from people who are close enough to tell you the truth about how you smell.

Shower or take a bath daily, this is non-negotiable.

If you have been out all day and need to attend an evening event, it will be wise to take a shower, and at the least change your top, especially if you live in a region of hot climate.

Air your jackets well and avoid mixing used clothes with clean ones.

Use fresh underwear daily whether you are male or female.

Wear a safe deodorant.

To minimise bad breath, carry mints on you to freshen your mouth especially if you have been silent for long or if you are fasting.

Also brush your teeth daily and if you can, floss regularly.

If you suffer from excessive sweating or have a serious case of bad breath, a visit to a doctor will be helpful.

If you have a case of sweaty feet, avoid taking off your shoes in a public place.

Finally, every one must make the effort to find out how they are doing in this area so as to avoid the peril of wrong assumption. You may assume you are doing well when in reality you aren't. Don't forget, you may well be the last to know.

We all benefit when we do things right.

How to introduce yourself and write your name

2009-05-31T21:55:00.009+01:00

How do you introduce yourself?

The reason for this question is that it is sometimes a very confusing experience when people make the attempt to introduce themselves be it in formal or informal gatherings. Some give three names, which I can handle to an extent; some just give their initials and surname, which doesn’t tell who they are. On a few occasions, a smart alec would respond by saying “my names are”… And if you are in Nigeria, many people respond to the question by preceding their names with a title.

The most confusing is when people say their names and it becomes difficult to figure out which is the given name and which is the surname.

This is not a matter common to verbal introductions alone, some people as a matter of habit write their surnames first even on their business cards. This habit probably developed from school days where the surname is used as a primary key to differentiate students can be confusing and frustrating to business partners or people you are meeting for the first time.

To avoid confusion and embarrassment, the following are useful guidelines in answering the question above whether in writing or verbally:

Your ‘given name’ is also known as ‘your ‘first-name’ or ‘forename’ so it makes sense for it to go ‘first’.

Your inherited name otherwise known as ‘surname’ or ‘family name’ is also known as the ‘last-name’ so it goes ‘last’.

The order of arrangement (applicable to most African, European, North and South American countries) is ‘first-name’ followed by ‘last-name’. In some East Asian countries such as China, Japan and Korea, the order is reversed.

It is also less confusing to say or write your full name, for example, ‘Dayo Adeleye’ rather than ‘J. Adeleye’. Remember ‘J’ is an initial not your name.

You may give an impression of arrogance or grandstanding if you precede your name with a title when introducing yourself. A title is a title, not part of your name and should only normally be used when specifically requested.

However much you may love your middle-name, there is never a need to give your middle name when you introduce yourself except when you are getting married or being sworn in as the President of your country.

Similarly, a middle-name is not a necessity on a business card or when completing an attendance form, say at a seminar. Keep business cards simple and focused on what you are offering.

You may of course write your middle name if specifically requested in a form.

If you have to introduce someone else, you may use their title and both names or just title and surname. For example Mrs Tricia Emeka or Mrs Emeka. In other words, title and first-names do not usually go together except when the person you are introducing is a knight in which case you introduce them as Sir Richard or Sir Richard Branson but never Sir Branson.

Finally, it's not Anan Kofi, it's Kofi Anan; It's not Soyinka Wole, it's Wole Soyinka; It's not Mandela Nelson, it's Nelson Mandela. Don’t forget: first-name first, and last-name last.

We all benefit when we ‘say’ things right!

Saying 'Please' and 'Thank you' - The Polish that Generates Presence (Part 2)

2009-03-31T21:33:00.012+01:00

Some people are born with the gift of a good personality. They know when and how to smile, which questions to ask and how to make people around them feel at ease. They have good people skills, and with these, they are able to enter places they ordinarily may not have had access.

For those of us who just can't seem to flow as we would have loved, the responsibility is laid on us to get these skills. Learn it, copy it, or pray for it; just get it.

One of the simplest ways to differentiate yourself and generate presence is learning to say 'please' and 'thank you'. These very simple words can change the way you relate with people and the perception people have of you. No wonder they are referred to as the ‘magic words’.

Some have argued that saying 'please' and 'thank you' is not part of our culture. This cannot but be far from the truth as nearly all of our languages in Nigeria have a word for the two phrases. In Ibo, 'please' is 'biko', the Hausas say ‘ba don halina ba’ and Yorubas use 'e jo'.

Similarly, the Yorubas say 'e se' for 'thank you'. In Hausa, it is 'nagode' and in Ibo, it’s 'dalu'.Given the way our culture has been drastically eroded, learning to say 'please' and 'thank you' will differentiate you and get you noticed.

In seeking to develop a cultured personality and generate presence, the following are a few pointers that may help in your daily journey:

Saying 'please' each time you make a request on someone depicts your politeness, courtesy and the consideration of the burden (big or small) you have placed on this person.

Never forget to say 'thank you' when a task has been completed for you. Any task.

Everyone likes to know they are appreciated and their services valued. More than making the other party happy, it is also a reflection of your own attitude towards other people.

Remembering to say the two 'magic words' shows you are polite in your dealings with people and this will automatically attract people to you.

In a case where several people with similar credentials are chasing the same job or contract, the differing factor may well be an individual’s ability to generate presence by his politeness and cultured behaviour.

In a society like ours with a huge population, differentiating oneself is an absolute necessity. Having a good personality does this without costing the giver anything.

As much as saying 'please' and 'thank you' edifies the hearer, it certainly certifies the speaker as a person who has respect for himself and who is confident enough to publicly acknowledge the good in other people.

So start to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ today to your maid, children, spouse, driver, colleagues, parents and anyone else who has offered you a service.

Life is so complicated, and often full of pressure. Saying 'thank you' may brighten someone’s day and relieve them of life’s pressure.

As it cost us nothing to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, let’s remember, we all benefit when we do things right. EtiquetteBank

The Polish that Generates Presence Part 1 – The Obama Connection

2009-02-21T21:18:00.007+01:00

Everyone is excited about this man.

As I write this article, everyone is getting settled with the new man in the White House, Barack Obama. The guy is simply a complete break from the expected being the first Black President and having been elected in a country where only half a century ago, he would have had to give up his seat in a bus for a white person. Little wonder everyone wants to listen to him.

It is interesting to note that if all the black people in America had voted for Obama, he would have only garnered roughly 15% of the vote. Yet Obama has created history, broke all kinds of records, beliefs and norms, and pulled one of the largest crowds in history to watch him being sworn in as President of the United States including my 50-year-old aunt who travelled all the way from Nigeria.

In winning the presidency, Obama raised the largest election funds in America history, smashing the records several times in the course of the election. He has launched a movement that is not just a political action group but a personality action group across races and colours, that is unprecedented in modern history. It’s Obama that many people contributed money and voted for, not necessarily the Democratic Party.

Why is it that Obama was elected to a position that is arguably the most powerful in the world? Perhaps there may be one or two things to learn from him.

1. Obama possesses a rare combination of integrity, intellect and humility.

Integrity - because there are no skeletons in his cupboard.
Intellect - he is articulate and makes sense.
Humility – he appears not to be carried away by the almost messianic fervour that he generates with people

2. Great Interpersonal Skills – Obama has the ability to make people feel at ease with him. The humour, the smile, the eloquence and the ability to own up to mistakes are attributes that makes people warm to him. He has gone on Bill Clinton’s turf and roundly trounced him.

3. Excellence – I like his excellent and dogged spirit that made him assemble the best political machinery in history. People voted for Obama inspite of his race. He was judged by the content of his character, not the colour of his skin.

Like the 44th President of the United States, we all have a need to generate a presence that can launch us into greatness. The world is looking more and more for those personal skills that have become so rare, yet are so necessary in our time.

Being polished is not about being born with a silverspoon in your mouth. A warm presence mixed with integrity, good interpersonal and communication skills plus excellence in all you do will attract people to you like magnet.

If you want to go far like Obama, you need these basic things of life that will show you are polished and endear you to people.

We all benefit when we do things right! Etiquettebank

Consideration, Sensitivity, and Respect - What is etiquette?

2008-11-17T14:56:00.006+01:00

My experience as a trainer and etiquette consultant has taught me that most people have a wrong view of etiquette. Many people feel it’s about being ‘prim and proper’. To some, etiquette is equivalent to snobbery i.e. ‘showing class’ by not engaging with people. Others see etiquette only in terms of dining or dressing.

Some feel etiquette is about formalities (‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’) – don’t do this, don’t do that. For many others, etiquette connotes European or Western’ values and they resent what they see as a new form of colonisation. The people that fall into this last category are probably not mindful of the fact that Africa is replete with etiquette and ours, in many instances, is more forceful and certainly guides most of our waking and sleeping moments.

Etiquette is not only about dos and don’ts; if it is, everyone will have to master an impossible list of what to do and not do on different occasions in different cultures for different situations. In reality, etiquette is about ‘consideration’, ‘sensitivity’, and ‘respect’.

In other words, show consideration to people in everything you do, avoid being selfish and do to people what you will take from people. Out goes deception, abuse, ‘smartness’, using people etc.

Secondly, be sensitive to people in whatever you do or say. Avoid thoughtless words; be sensitive to people’s culture, gender and situation. This will mean avoiding sexist, racist or any offensive gestures or jokes. It also means thinking before you do or say anything.

Thirdly, show respect to others irrespective of their age, gender, social or economic status. Showing respect means not looking down, not talking down or standing people up whoever they may be.

You will find that in all matters, whether of dressing, dating, driving, business relationships, marriage, visiting people, leading a team, travelling or eating in public, you will behave better and differentiate yourself when you show consideration, sensitivity and respect to people.

All of us at the ParkRoyalFinishingSchool and EtiquetteBank enjoin you to show consideration, sensitivity and respect to people today.

We all benefit when we do things right! EtiquetteBank

Item number 7 – the scramble for food

2008-09-19T22:01:00.008+01:00

Ignoring his many shenanigans, I really like King Solomon. He appeared to me to be a very intelligent and smart guy. In his writings, he stated that one of the four things that were too wonderful for him to understand was the way of a man with a woman i.e. the way of a young man with a young woman. I am sure the male readers will understand what he meant – how you leave no stone unturned to get a date with a woman. Trust me, I know, I am a woman.

For me, one of the many things wonderful for me to understand is the way of a Nigerian with food at parties It’s a huge mystery that I would love to unravel.

In Nigeria, Item number 7 is the ‘menu’ stage and probably the most important at many events. It is smartly embedded between the many other events on the agenda, yet stands head and shoulders above the others in the minds of guests. Failure at Item number 7 is failure for the host and the event. Curiously, at Item number 7, you will see the words ‘Menu, Menu, Menu’. I still haven’t figured out why menu is written thrice. Perhaps it is a reflection of our attitude towards food.

The important issue about Item number 7 is that it sometimes shows the true colour of party guests as it has an uncanny way of bringing out the best or worst in people. Sometimes, you see top people with the means to commission the most sumptuous meal in their homes behaving badly and losing their inhibitions when they come across food at a party. It makes you wonder why Item number 7 has such an overwhelming impact on a lot of people, both rich and poor.

At other times, you see people jump the buffet queue, or pile their plate so much that you ask what on earth a person is doing with pounded yam and salad on the same plate. The fact that it is a buffet and you may go back for seconds does nothing to temper the greed of some people.

I have seen fights break out or people get very angry and abusive towards unarmed waitresses for no other reason but food; often because their table has been skipped by the waitresses at a party. Sometimes this is a case of cronyism on the part of the chief hostesses, but oftentimes, it is simply due to the overwhelming demand for food by so many people.

I am sure many of my readers have been to parties where the food is finished by the time it gets to your turn on the buffet line. In cases like this, you may be surprised to find out that the food was prepared for double the number of people present. No doubt most people will salivate at the sight of the spread of various kinds of delicacies but is a persons’ dignity and self respect not worth more than food?

My husband and I were once invited to celebrate the Nigerian Independence day at the High Commissioner’s House in London. After the formal part of the event, we were invited to proceed to the tent set out for the well-laid buffet. One peep into the tent sent us back as the very distinguished guests were rather unruly, crowding over what we figured out was the food service point. There was no way we were going to be part of the scramble for food.

If you find yourself at a buffet, the following points will serve you well:

· Allow the guest of honour, the elderly or the disabled to go first.

· Do not overload your plate.

· While serving yourself, only take an adequate portion keeping in mind those who are in line behind you.

· Do not return to the buffet line until everyone has gone through once.

· If you are desperately hungry before you go to a party, eat before you leave home.

We all benefit when we do things right! EtiquetteBank