Etiquette Bank

Handling Freebies – My observation at a hotel lobby

2010-03-01T23:51:00.002+01:00

Whilst sitting at the entrance to a conference hall in a hotel recently, I looked at the reception area. The human traffic was interesting as all kinds of people went about their various business and activities. Some were staff of the hotel walking with fast strides to their next assignment and some were guests on holiday and in a completely relaxed mood. Some were couples holding hands and laughing, others, young parents carrying children to or from their rooms. It was beautiful to see how people relate to one another.

I watched with interest as people - young, middle age and old meandered around the front desk. People from all walks of life - the upwardly mobile, and the technician in overalls executing their business around the hotel, entire families dressed up and on their way out of the hotel to a function or a family day together.

This is not the first time that I would look over the lobby area and just watch what happens and how human beings behave. I would often take a few minutes to appreciate the interesting character of people - the good, the bad and the rather ugly. On a normal day, this would be the sort of thing that would interest me. I would sit and take in the beauty of love as each man emerged with their respective spouses - the elderly, the very young and the glamorous. I would be fascinated by how they walked or even the chemistry between the spouses.

On this occasion however, my primary focus had nothing to do with what people wore or how they walked, I was captivated by the reaction of various people to a bowl of sweets that was placed strategically in the centre of the reception desk. The hotel had been gracious to offer these sweets freely to anyone who walked pass the reception area. So gracious were they that the bowl was replenished every so often and there was hardly ever any moment when supply ran low.

So I watched as my fellow Nigerians approached the sweets. My first observation on this particular Saturday was of a couple with three children. The children approached the sweets and I saw the first child dip his hand into the bowl coming up with five or six sweets, this exercise was repeated by the other siblings whilst the mother looked on and waited for them to finish their display of utter greed. I watched and hoped to see this mother scold her children or insist that they drop some of the sweets but she appeared perfectly happy with her children’s ability to 'fight for their rights'.

Sadly, as I continued to watch, many other parties manifested the same behaviour. Hardly did I see anyone who took just one sweet. The minimum taken by anyone was two whilst the majority of people took between three and six, perhaps up to 10 in some cases. I wondered why it is not in our behaviour to take only one of anything we are offered. It is not only the decent thing to do but also the noble and right thing to do.

Dipping your hand into a bowl left in a public and picking more than one sweet says you have no regards for anyone who may be coming behind you. You probably may think that you were there first and so the lion share belongs to you. You may also think that the hotel can afford to replenish the bowl. However, I am persuaded that it is more honourable to give due consideration to other people who are coming after you by only taking one. This shows that you are disciplined and not ruled by your desires. My belief is that no matter what the item in question may be, you probably would not die if you do not take any of it at all. In any event, if the sweets were not there, you will still live. If that is the case, then you can probably do without the sweet or cake or even food at a party. It only makes sense therefore to take what is honourable and what would not dent your image.

My point is that you may not have been expecting to be offered free sweets or free food, if you then get the opportunity to be offered what you did not expect, then the best behaviour to adopt is to be sensible and disciplined about what you take. Even when you are desperate for the sweets, a maximum of two is fine, if you need more, then cross the road to buy from the nearest vendor.

As I watched the children helped themselves to about six sweets each, struggling to pick up as many as their tiny hands could carry and almost tipping the glass bowl over in the process, I saw both their hands full of sweets and without a single rebuke from their parents. I wondered if children as young as seven could have this attitude to a privilege that was offered to them, how would these same children react to being placed in a position where the national purse is at their disposal? We all know that if a person can steal 10 Kobo out of 1 Naira, then they are probably capable of taking 100 million out of 1 billion naira if given the chance. After all, both thefts are 10%.

My suggestions are as follows:

· Parents must train young children to possess discipline, contentment and the ability to take their eyes off what is not theirs whether it is offered to them or not.

· Young adults are at a crucial point in life and they need to understand the above virtues. These are the attitudes that set people apart and make them stand out; a simple matter like taking only one sweet may decide the future of a person – whether you get a job or not as this may be part of the test by a prospective employer.

· For everyone else, a major part of discipline is learning to master your desires.

We all benefit when we do things right.

Managing Expectations - Part 1

2010-01-27T21:44:00.005+01:00

I have noticed that very few relationships in Nigeria last the test of time. Arguably, every relationship has its ups and downs and with mature disposition, the challenging times can easily be handled without serious damage. However, in my view, we often seem to deliberately look for ways to destroy relationships we have built over the years with our own hands. It does not matter which type of relationship you nominate for scrutiny – husband/wife, parent/child, church, work or friendships, we have a way of hitting it off with people quickly and before you can say ‘Jack Robinson’ we sever the relationship.

Obviously, there are different reasons why relationships break down, I have however found that a major reason why we have a rather high incident of problem relationships is because of the unrealistic expectations we place on one another. For example, the general way of thought is that once somebody has a reasonable accommodation and a car, that person MUST be ‘loaded’ and MUST be ready to solve any financial worries we present. This is irrespective of the period of time we have known each other or whether there is any serious tie. We often do not understand that some people may be asset rich and cash poor.

The following are suggestions towards building a successful relationship and keeping it for the long run:

Let all your relationships be based on what you can offer – This, by far, is the most important way to forge a meaningful and successful relationship. Rather than concentrating on what you can get from a relationship, be concerned with what you bring in to that relationship. This way, it is almost impossible to have unmet expectations because you are not expecting anything. Of course, you may benefit from a relationship, but the suggestion here is to let your focus be on what you can offer your friend, family, church or work colleague and not the other way round.

If everyone would follow this approach, we will all develop meaningful, healthy and lasting relationships. It’s simple, if I am not focused on what I can get in a relationship, it will be unnecessary to fake anything or manipulate anyone to get my way. In other words, relationships are real when the focus is on what we bring rather than what we can get.

Be realistic – This is another way of saying do not have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationship matters. When you set unrealistic expectations, you are setting your friend, spouse, colleague or brethren to fail and at the same time setting yourself up for disappointment. It is pertinent to say that what you think is no big deal may be a very unrealistic expectation to someone else. For example, it is unrealistic to ask a friend to forego their food just because you are hungry. It is unrealistic to expect a friend to fund your daughter’s wedding. It is unrealistic to expect a friend to lend you a substantial amount of money to buy a new car etc.

Give people the opportunity to say ‘No’ – Whenever you need to ask a favour that may inconvenience others; never put them in a difficult situation where they fear your friendship will be jeopardised. The right thing to do therefore when asking for favours is to ask in such a way that the other person will find it easy, if they so choose, to say ‘no’. For example, it is better to say:

Would you be available for me to visit tonight or will you let me know when it will be convenient for you?

With the above question, it is easy for the person to say “let’s try tomorrow or next week as I’m not available tonight”. Unfortunately, some people will announce as a matter of fact:

“I’m on my way to your house and I will see you in 20 minutes”.

They care less if the person they wish to visit is prepared to receive guests and they offer him no room to refuse either.

Remember, people may agree to your manipulations and scheming for a while but they will eventually see the light and refuse the attempt by you to continue to ride them.

Be sincere – Sincerity is the missing tool in most relationships that break down. Check yourself:

Are you sincere with friends, families or colleagues in the things you say or do?
Do you try to make people have a different opinion of you?
Why is this so?

People who are not sincere can not handle those who are, so they always have unrealistic expectations which go unmet. As a result, they are unable to keep lasting relationships.

In my view, there is nothing better than being yourself. No effort is required to be yourself. Keeping a relationship with anyone, even with God demands sincerity, so be sincere. This way, you will find you are able to express yourself easier and your relationships will be far more honest, meaningful and fruitful.

Be appreciative – If you are more interested in giving into a relationship than receiving; if you are realistic about what you expect from people; you will find that it will be easy to be appreciative whenever you are offered anything by anyone. Those who go into relationships with the objective of what they can derive from it will find it difficult to be appreciative as they are usually unrealistic with their expectations. The same goes for those who go into relationships with insincerity. Because they are more interested in what they will get from the relationship, they may even be extraordinarily nice and give more than is necessary for a while. They are therefore unappreciative if they are confronted with a sincere partner who gives without any ulterior motive.

Written by Gbenga Badejo - a Partner at ParkRoyalFinishingSchool, www.lagosfinishingschool.com - the leading provider of Etiquette, Ambassador, Business and Life Skills programmes.

I am on my way - whatever that means!

2009-09-28T13:05:00.005+01:00

You are desperate for a particular item, there is a deadline and you have asked someone to help you get this item, this person knows about the deadline. Two hours after the deadline, the person is yet to arrive. You pick up the telephone and place a call to this person to ask the very simple question 'Where are you?' The response is a flat and unspecific 'I'm on my way.' The answer does not help you or the situation as you are unable to determine how long it will take the person to arrive.

You get exasperated and usually ask the question again as your desire is to get a specific answer in order to conclude a travelling plan. At this stage, any answer short of the exact location is unacceptable hence the repetition of the same question 'Where exactly are you'. Unfortunately, the answer you may continue to get even after several attempts is pretty much the same - 'I am on my way'.

It is common knowledge that the average Nigerian is not exactly straightforward. It is believed that he thinks of many possible answers to a question and decides on which one to give depending on the situation at hand and the impression that he needs to create. This is known in the Nigerian parlance as 'scoping' and it supposedly allows the person answering the question to gain the upper hand over the person asking the question.

It is likely that someone who gives the 'I'm on my way' answer is in the habit of 'scoping' before answering any question. For many this has become a habit that is almost impossible to shift, one that has become a part of the person, a second skin, no longer noticeable to the carrier.

The answer 'I'm on the way' is not here or there, it means nothing. So saying this allows a person to gain extra time or power over the person to whom they are accountable. The person also has an opportunity to change the story and location if the conversation does not go their way.

As with every habit, you may not even know it is part of you because it has become a daily practice. Remember that a habit is simply what you do regularly, perhaps what you have done for five, 10 or 20 years. No way in this world would you easily accept that it is bad because it is now part of your life. This is the same reason why it is so difficult to convince a person that he is not being straightforward.

Sadly, in the quest to prove smart and be able to play a mind game, people often short change themselves. They are quickly branded as evasive and untrustworthy and they ultimately lose out. This loss may be on a seemingly small scale, nothing to cry over, but it may also be on a much larger scale with effects that reach beyond the individual's imagination. Sometimes people lose out on what would have been a change to their destiny because of a little lie.

I recently spoke to a gentleman who was on an errand from his boss to me. He was bringing some materials to me which I needed to use at a meeting later that day. The gentleman called me at 10am to let me know he was in my area. To save him time and the hassle of travel, I directed him to wait for me in front of a popular eatery a minute's walk from where he said he was and I would meet him in 10 minutes. I arrived at the eatery in no time and could not find this gentleman. When I called him on the phone to inquire of his whereabouts, he told me he was at the eatery. When I informed him I was parked at the entrance of the eatery and my vehicle was the only one there, he then said 'I'm on my way'. I repeated the question 'Where are you?' several times and I got the same answer. I had to insist that the gentleman let me know his exact location. Only then did I find out that he was still on an Okada bike and making his way to the eatery – a different story from what he had told me on the phone.

Even now, I don’t know if he had intentionally misled me or he had gotten lost or confused as to his exact location. In any case, he had made our conversation unproductive by withholding the required information. When I took my time to think about it, I realised that if he had been straightforward in the first instance, the entire episode would have been easier on both of us.

My question to him was to determine exactly where he was and if necessary to adjust my journey plans in order to meet him at a more convenient place for him. I guess if he knew this he would have given me a clearer answer. He had tried to 'scope' me. Unfortunately, he got it very wrong.

One lesson from this story is to tell the truth and never to assume. If you are unsure of about a question, it is better to clarify by asking exactly what is meant. If it is a direct question, it is better to offer the correct and direct answer rather than an evasive answer.

Life is certainly easier if people are more straightforward. Potential problems and bottlenecks can also be avoided when the facts are plain and open. Contrary to peoples beliefs, telling the truth about a potentially bad situation is always better. It is never easy to do but it is the best method of averting a more damaging situation.

If I had the exact location of my errand bearer, I would have taken a different route to meet him and would have been more appreciative of his effort in delivering the item. I would have given him extra money for his transport fare though I knew he had been given money by his boss. In all he would have benefited from running an errand and I would have been happy.

Please remember to be straightforward as it is better and saves time in the long run.

We all benefit when we do things right!

Stealing by stealth

2009-08-11T11:03:00.011+01:00

Stealing? Not me! This could be your reaction to the title of this article, but are you stealing by stealth? I have discovered that being light fingered is so rampant in our society that I am inviting readers to give this a thought and share with me their experience on this matter.

This article is not about armed robbery or heavyweight thievery by politicians, this is about you and me. For example, you have in your possession a book which is not yours, it has been on your bookshelf for two years with the owners' name written on it, the owner hasn’t asked for it and you have not offered to return it. You may have become comfortable having the book in your possession with the passage of time. 'I didn’t steal it after all and the owner possibly knows that I have it may be your mentality. But does it make it yours? Does it really matter?

Stealing can be defined as 'taking or keeping what is not your own without the owners permission'. It is a practice that no one would readily admit to, after all, it is the 8^thcommandment and no one wants to feel they are breaking God's rule. So they adjust the goal post by redefining what constitutes stealing.

Stealing can exist in many different forms - the big, the small or the unnoticeable. For example using someone's phone without their permission is stealing. It's as good as stealing the person's money because the owner will have to pay for the telephone usage. This type of stealing by stealth is so covert and ordinary that you may successfully convince yourself that you have not stolen anything.

Perhaps you are in the habit of claiming someone's belongings by bravado, it's still stealing by stealth particularly if the person is unwilling to part with it.

In Nigeria today, our definition of stealing has changed so drastically. Words and phrases like 'doing the business', 'carrying out runs' or 'odu' have replaced the simple and direct words like 'ole', 'barawo', 'onyeoshi' which emphatically speaks of theft. Experiences of friends taking items without permission, books lent out and never returned, pens disappearing from your desk, office stationery being used for personal business are all took common today.

It is also a common occurrence these days that the leftover change from an errand is assumed to belong to the person who has carried out the errand. If you ask for the money, the party who has done the errand gets upset and labels you as mean, harsh, wicked and selfish. But let us examine this case without any sentiments, who does the change rightly belong to? Why has is become a norm not to return leftover change. This is a case of keeping what is not offered to you.

Sometimes people take things that are important to others. Late one Sunday evening, my husband found out he needed a particular edition of the UK Sunday Times that comes out once a year. A friend of his who was at our home said he knew someone that was coming to Lagos within days and he generously placed a call to the United Kingdom to request for her assistance. This lady dashed out of her house in London at about 8pm to look for the newspaper and succeeded in getting one which she delivered to my husband's friend on her arrival in Lagos. Before this could be passed to my husband, someone else visited the office of my husband's friend whilst he was out and took the paper without informing him. But for his secretary who was present, it would have been a case of whodunit. My husband did not get his paper even with the international call and the massive effort of the poor lady, just because someone could not look and ignore.

Regardless of how you may convince yourself and your chosen views about taking other peoples property, if it is without permission, it is wrong and it is an act of stealing. It may not matter how close you are to the other party or the fact that you think 'they may not mind'. Perhaps, contrary to your belief, the other party may actually mind. They may be holding their peace because they are unwilling to embarrass you.

Not too long ago, the African society so radically shunned the act of stealing, meting out stiff punishments to culprits, often with families disowning their own in order to make a statement and as a testament to the accepted cultural values.

Let us ponder on the following guiding points:

1. If you do not have permission to take another persons belonging, then you may be guilty of stealing even if you don’t realise you have.

2. You may never know how other people perceive you. Perhaps you see your behaviour as normal, others may see it as 'thieving.'

3. A rule of thumb may be to ALWAYS expressly ask before you take or keep anything that doesn't belong to you and also to return what you borrow.

4. What you do regularly (once a month, or even once in three months) becomes a habit which ultimately becomes a part of your person.

5. Your personality is the sum total of your person. How does your personality affect your career, social life and even reputation in the community?

6. Everything you do has consequences either for bad or for good.

7. Let's call a spade what it is, stealing is stealing, whether it is outright or by stealth. Refrain!

We all benefit when we do things right!

Personal Hygiene – handling body odour

2009-06-30T19:24:00.012+01:00

Very few people can find the courage to tell anyone else that they have body odour. That’s exactly the problem with body odour. If you have it, everyone knows except you because no one is willing to tell you.

If you ever wondered then, why people who have body odour are not able to shake it off easily, it’s probably because nobody ever tells them. Of course, it's indeed a difficult issue to bring up with anyone and we shall deal with this matter in another post.

The truth is that everyone has the tendency to smell. If you live in a hot climate where the sun shines everyday with vengeance, you are bound to sweat. Like every waste product from the body, sweat can smell which means anybody that sweats may smell.

Now that we know anyone can smell irrespective of social class or financial height, it is the responsibility of each of us to handle this matter properly. This is especially important as you may be the last to know, if at all you ever do. Unfortunately body odour can be quite offensive and embarrassing particularly to those who have to work or live in close proximity with the bearer. It may also stifle a person's career or business growth as people generally avoid a person with serious body odour.

The following are guidelines that can help deal with this delicate but important matter. Please note that the guidelines are not a substitute for medical help and are not intended to be:

We are all used to our body smell so it is easy to assume everything is all right when it isn't. It is therefore necessary to find out from people who are close enough to tell you the truth about how you smell.

Shower or take a bath daily, this is non-negotiable.

If you have been out all day and need to attend an evening event, it will be wise to take a shower, and at the least change your top, especially if you live in a region of hot climate.

Air your jackets well and avoid mixing used clothes with clean ones.

Use fresh underwear daily whether you are male or female.

Wear a safe deodorant.

To minimise bad breath, carry mints on you to freshen your mouth especially if you have been silent for long or if you are fasting.

Also brush your teeth daily and if you can, floss regularly.

If you suffer from excessive sweating or have a serious case of bad breath, a visit to a doctor will be helpful.

If you have a case of sweaty feet, avoid taking off your shoes in a public place.

Finally, every one must make the effort to find out how they are doing in this area so as to avoid the peril of wrong assumption. You may assume you are doing well when in reality you aren't. Don't forget, you may well be the last to know.

We all benefit when we do things right.

How to introduce yourself and write your name

2009-05-31T21:55:00.007+01:00

How do you introduce yourself?

The reason for this question is that it is sometimes a very confusing experience when people make the attempt to introduce themselves be it in formal or informal gatherings. Some give three names, which I can handle to an extent; some just give their initials and surname, which doesn’t tell who they are. On a few occasions, a smart alec would respond by saying “my names are”… And if you are in Nigeria, many people respond to the question by preceding their names with a title.

The most confusing is when people say their names and it becomes difficult to figure out which is the given name and which is the surname.

This is not a matter common to verbal introductions alone, some people as a matter of habit write their surnames first even on their business cards. This habit probably developed from school days where the surname is used as a primary key to differentiate students can be confusing and frustrating to business partners or people you are meeting for the first time.

To avoid confusion and embarrassment, the following are useful guidelines in answering the question above whether in writing or verbally:

Your ‘given name’ is also known as ‘your ‘first-name’ or ‘forename’ so it makes sense for it to go ‘first’.

Your inherited name otherwise known as ‘surname’ or ‘family name’ is also known as the ‘last-name’ so it goes ‘last’.

The order of arrangement (applicable to most African, European, North and South American countries) is ‘first-name’ followed by ‘last-name’. In some East Asian countries such as China, Japan and Korea, the order is reversed.

It is also less confusing to say or write your full name, for example, ‘Dayo Adeleye’ rather than ‘J. Adeleye’. Remember ‘J’ is an initial not your name.

You may give an impression of arrogance or grandstanding if you precede your name with a title when introducing yourself. A title is a title, not part of your name and should only normally be used when specifically requested.

However much you may love your middle-name, there is never a need to give your middle name when you introduce yourself except when you are getting married or being sworn in as the President of your country.

Similarly, a middle-name is not a necessity on a business card or when completing an attendance form, say at a seminar. Keep business cards simple and focused on what you are offering.

You may of course write your middle name if specifically requested in a form.

If you have to introduce someone else, you may use their title and both names or just title and surname. For example Mrs Tricia Emeka or Mrs Emeka. In other words, title and first-names do not usually go together except you if the person you are introducing is a knight in which case you introduce them as Sir Richard or Sir Richard Branson but never Sir Branson.

Finally, it's not Anan Kofi, it's Kofi Anan; It's not Soyinka Wole, it's Wole Soyinka; It's not Mandela Nelson, it's Nelson Mandela. Don’t forget: first-name first, and last-name last.

We all benefit when we ‘say’ things right!

Saying 'Please' and 'Thank you' - The Polish that Generates Presence (Part 2)

2009-03-31T21:33:00.012+01:00

Some people are born with the gift of a good personality. They know when and how to smile, which questions to ask and how to make people around them feel at ease. They have good people skills, and with these, they are able to enter places they ordinarily may not have had access.

For those of us who just can't seem to flow as we would have loved, the responsibility is laid on us to get these skills. Learn it, copy it, or pray for it; just get it.

One of the simplest ways to differentiate yourself and generate presence is learning to say 'please' and 'thank you'. These very simple words can change the way you relate with people and the perception people have of you. No wonder they are referred to as the ‘magic words’.

Some have argued that saying 'please' and 'thank you' is not part of our culture. This cannot but be far from the truth as nearly all of our languages in Nigeria have a word for the two phrases. In Ibo, 'please' is 'biko', the Hausas say ‘ba don halina ba’ and Yorubas use 'e jo'.

Similarly, the Yorubas say 'e se' for 'thank you'. In Hausa, it is 'nagode' and in Ibo, it’s 'dalu'.Given the way our culture has been drastically eroded, learning to say 'please' and 'thank you' will differentiate you and get you noticed.

In seeking to develop a cultured personality and generate presence, the following are a few pointers that may help in your daily journey:

Saying 'please' each time you make a request on someone depicts your politeness, courtesy and the consideration of the burden (big or small) you have placed on this person.

Never forget to say 'thank you' when a task has been completed for you. Any task.

Everyone likes to know they are appreciated and their services valued. More than making the other party happy, it is also a reflection of your own attitude towards other people.

Remembering to say the two 'magic words' shows you are polite in your dealings with people and this will automatically attract people to you.

In a case where several people with similar credentials are chasing the same job or contract, the differing factor may well be an individual’s ability to generate presence by his politeness and cultured behaviour.

In a society like ours with a huge population, differentiating oneself is an absolute necessity. Having a good personality does this without costing the giver anything.

As much as saying 'please' and 'thank you' edifies the hearer, it certainly certifies the speaker as a person who has respect for himself and who is confident enough to publicly acknowledge the good in other people.

So start to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ today to your maid, children, spouse, driver, colleagues, parents and anyone else who has offered you a service.

Life is so complicated, and often full of pressure. Saying 'thank you' may brighten someone’s day and relieve them of life’s pressure.

As it cost us nothing to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, let’s remember, we all benefit when we do things right. EtiquetteBank

The Polish that Generates Presence Part 1 – The Obama Connection

2009-02-21T21:18:00.007+01:00

Everyone is excited about this man.

As I write this article, everyone is getting settled with the new man in the White House, Barack Obama. The guy is simply a complete break from the expected being the first Black President and having been elected in a country where only half a century ago, he would have had to give up his seat in a bus for a white person. Little wonder everyone wants to listen to him.

It is interesting to note that if all the black people in America had voted for Obama, he would have only garnered roughly 15% of the vote. Yet Obama has created history, broke all kinds of records, beliefs and norms, and pulled one of the largest crowds in history to watch him being sworn in as President of the United States including my 50-year-old aunt who travelled all the way from Nigeria.

In winning the presidency, Obama raised the largest election funds in America history, smashing the records several times in the course of the election. He has launched a movement that is not just a political action group but a personality action group across races and colours, that is unprecedented in modern history. It’s Obama that many people contributed money and voted for, not necessarily the Democratic Party.

Why is it that Obama was elected to a position that is arguably the most powerful in the world? Perhaps there may be one or two things to learn from him.

1. Obama possesses a rare combination of integrity, intellect and humility.

Integrity - because there are no skeletons in his cupboard.
Intellect - he is articulate and makes sense.
Humility – he appears not to be carried away by the almost messianic fervour that he generates with people

2. Great Interpersonal Skills – Obama has the ability to make people feel at ease with him. The humour, the smile, the eloquence and the ability to own up to mistakes are attributes that makes people warm to him. He has gone on Bill Clinton’s turf and roundly trounced him.

3. Excellence – I like his excellent and dogged spirit that made him assemble the best political machinery in history. People voted for Obama inspite of his race. He was judged by the content of his character, not the colour of his skin.

Like the 44th President of the United States, we all have a need to generate a presence that can launch us into greatness. The world is looking more and more for those personal skills that have become so rare, yet are so necessary in our time.

Being polished is not about being born with a silverspoon in your mouth. A warm presence mixed with integrity, good interpersonal and communication skills plus excellence in all you do will attract people to you like magnet.

If you want to go far like Obama, you need these basic things of life that will show you are polished and endear you to people.

We all benefit when we do things right! Etiquettebank

Consideration, Sensitivity, and Respect - What is etiquette?

2008-11-17T14:56:00.006+01:00

My experience as a trainer and etiquette consultant has taught me that most people have a wrong view of etiquette. Many people feel it’s about being ‘prim and proper’. To some, etiquette is equivalent to snobbery i.e. ‘showing class’ by not engaging with people. Others see etiquette only in terms of dining or dressing.

Some feel etiquette is about formalities (‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’) – don’t do this, don’t do that. For many others, etiquette connotes European or Western’ values and they resent what they see as a new form of colonisation. The people that fall into this last category are probably not mindful of the fact that Africa is replete with etiquette and ours, in many instances, is more forceful and certainly guides most of our waking and sleeping moments.

Etiquette is not only about dos and don’ts; if it is, everyone will have to master an impossible list of what to do and not do on different occasions in different cultures for different situations. In reality, etiquette is about ‘consideration’, ‘sensitivity’, and ‘respect’.

In other words, show consideration to people in everything you do, avoid being selfish and do to people what you will take from people. Out goes deception, abuse, ‘smartness’, using people etc.

Secondly, be sensitive to people in whatever you do or say. Avoid thoughtless words; be sensitive to people’s culture, gender and situation. This will mean avoiding sexist, racist or any offensive gestures or jokes. It also means thinking before you do or say anything.

Thirdly, show respect to others irrespective of their age, gender, social or economic status. Showing respect means not looking down, not talking down or standing people up whoever they may be.

You will find that in all matters, whether of dressing, dating, driving, business relationships, marriage, visiting people, leading a team, travelling or eating in public, you will behave better and differentiate yourself when you show consideration, sensitivity and respect to people.

All of us at the ParkRoyalFinishingSchool and EtiquetteBank enjoin you to show consideration, sensitivity and respect to people today.

We all benefit when we do things right! EtiquetteBank

Item number 7 – the scramble for food

2008-09-19T22:01:00.006+01:00

Ignoring his many shenanigans, I really like King Solomon. He appeared to me to be a very intelligent and smart guy. In his writings, he stated that one of the four things that were too wonderful for him to understand was the way of a man with a woman i.e. the way of a young man with a young woman. I am sure the male readers will understand what he meant – how you leave no stone unturned to get a date with a woman. Trust me, I know, I am a woman.

For me, one of the many things wonderful for me to understand is the way of a Nigerian with food at parties It’s a huge mystery that I would love to unravel.

In Nigeria, Item number 7 is the ‘menu’ stage and probably the most important at many events. It is smartly embedded between the many other events on the agenda, yet stands head and shoulders above the others in the minds of guests. Failure at Item number 7 is failure for the host and the event. Curiously, at Item number 7, you will see the words ‘Menu, Menu, Menu’. I still haven’t figured out why menu is written thrice. Perhaps it is a reflection of our attitude towards food.

The important issue about Item number 7 is that it sometimes shows the true colour of party guests as it has an uncanny way of bringing out the best or worst in people. Sometimes, you see top people with the means to commission the most sumptuous meal in their homes behaving badly and losing their inhibitions when they see food at a party. It makes you wonder why Item number 7 has such an overwhelming impact on a lot of people, both rich and poor.

At other times, you see people jump the buffet queue, or pile up their plate so much that you ask what on earth a person is doing with pounded yam and salad on the same plate. The fact that it is a buffet and you may go back for seconds does nothing to temper the greed of some people.

I have seen fights break out or people get very angry and abusive towards unarmed waitresses for no other reason but food; often because their table has been skipped by the waitresses at a party. Sometimes this is a case of cronyism on the part of the chief hostesses, but oftentimes, it is simply due to the overwhelming demand for food by so many people.

I am sure many of my readers have been to parties where the food is finished by the time it gets to your turn on the buffet line. In cases like this, you may be surprised to find out that the food was prepared for double the number of people present. No doubt most people will salivate at the sight of the spread of various kinds of delicacies but is a persons’ dignity and self respect not worth more than food?

My husband and I were once invited to celebrate the Nigerian Independence day at the High Commissioner’s House in London. After the formal part of the event, we were invited to proceed to the tent set out for the well-laid buffet. One peep into the tent sent us back as the very distinguished guests were rather unruly, crowding over what we figured out was the food service point. There was no way we were going to be part of the scramble for food.

If you find yourself at a buffet, the following points will serve you well:

· Allow the guest of honour, the elderly or the disabled to go first.

· Do not overload your plate.

· While serving yourself, only take an adequate portion keeping in mind those who are in line behind you.

· Do not return to the buffet line until everyone has gone through once.

· If you are desperately hungry before you go to a party, eat before you leave home.

We all benefit when we do things right! EtiquetteBank

Dressing for Business - Are you overdoing it?

2008-08-12T22:52:00.005+01:00

You may wonder ‘What is the big deal about professional dressing? How is it different to my normal going out dressing? The truth is, business dressing is a completely different ball-game to say a weekend social dressing. No matter how snazzy a dresser you are, you may need to consider your work wardrobe if you want to be taken seriously as a professional.

Although an individual’s style, personal taste and fashion ultimately come into play when they turn out at social functions, it is important to consider what is appropriate over what is fashionable when dressing as a professional. In a society that places so much importance on dressing and the way people turn out, it is necessary to stress that the fashion trend that you adore may not be advisable when it comes to business.

Whilst it is expected you go to town with jewellery, make up, style and colours at an evening event, discretion is clearly needed when getting dressed for the office.

I often see career women at work, often in a front office role looking like they have just stepped out of Vogue magazine. The bling (jewellery) is outlandish, the hair immaculately coiffured and six inches Manolo style shoes. Whilst the dress sense of Nigerian and indeed African women is commendable, it is important for a professional to remember that the work place is a place for serious business and a corresponding dress code is required. I often pity the men when I consider the suggestive, hip-hugging, tight-fitting, cleavage-blearing attire some of our women wear to work.

Men also get things wrong in this department. Shiny, brown, snakeskin and sharp pointed shoes may be trendy for a weekend party but will certainly misrepresent you in the workplace. Your clients need the perception of a serious minded professional, not the hottest guy at the bar or a P-Diddy wannabe.

Sadly in life, we are judged by ephemeral things, not by the real value of a person which lies in their character. A client meeting you to discuss a million dollar deal may develop cold feet if your dressing presents you as clownish entertainer. In the same vein, for a woman, the idea of flaunting your cleavage could backfire if you are meeting a conservative business partner, male or female.

What to remember is that the office place is a business environment. The latest trend may therefore not suffice when cutting a business deal. Also a business professional must be ready at all times, as there may not be an opportunity to change into ‘a more appropriate outfit’. The following are suggestions and ideas:

- Cleavage, hot trends and loud colours are best left for the weekend.
- Keep a separate wardrobe for evening and social functions.
- Looking smart is what is necessary for business, not looking sexy.
- Your business counterpart must be able to hear what you say - your clothes shouldn’t be doing the talking.
- Black, dark brown, navy blue shoes are best for business for ladies.
- Open toe, strappy and embellished sandals are not advisable for business.
- Black women are often very curvy; however, curves are best kept under wraps during business hours.
- Women should consider their body shape when wearing trousers.
- Jewellery and make-up should be understated.
- For men, combine your ties, shirts and suits appropriately – no striped tie on striped shirt etc. - Black shoes is the business for men.

My greatest wish is to see smart variations of our national dress in the business arena.

We all benefit when we do things right. EtiquetteBank

Valuing people by keeping to time

2008-06-19T21:30:00.008+01:00

Valuing other people is one of the greatest resources we can possess as human beings. It is a resource that is also free to possess and is based mainly on our ‘choice’ to own or not to own. When you ‘choose’ to place a value on other peoples’ lives and time, you in turn place yourself in a position of respect.

A key reflection of the value we place on people is the ‘ability’ to respect and value their time. This is a moral issue that is often played out when we get invited to functions, meetings or arrange an appointment.

For functions, many people often choose to be guided by the time that others are expected to arrive. This means they arrive late not because they wanted to, but because they believe other people are going to be late. Their argument is ‘why should I be kept waiting for doing the right thing?’ So they choose to be late. We romantically and nonchalantly refer to this arrangement as ‘African Peoples Time’ or ‘African Time’. This is a social problem which haunts our society and is a bane to our national development.

In business, a meeting may be arranged with plenty of notice only for the person who called the meeting arriving late or not turning up at all on the day of the metting. Everyone else has made the effort to get there early for this meeting but somehow the person who is facilitating has an excuse for coming 20 minutes late. Admittedly, there are uncontrollable circumstances; however, some people simply choose to hide behind the numerous excuses they can give for their poor time keeping and what can frankly be described as a very rude attitude to others. It makes you wonder if everyone is not facing the same challenge of traffic when people casually say they were delayed by traffic.

Valuing people is simply putting other people into consideration when a meeting or appointment is set so that you do what is necessary to ensure you arrive in good time. This is for no other reason than not to keep people waiting for no good reason. It speaks of good breeding and respect for others when you value them by valuing their time.

A friend once told me that most of the books he read in the last year were done whilst being kept waiting for appointments. In order to change our attitudes in this regard, we must put ourselves in the picture. How would I feel if someone has wasted my time? The truth is that we all detest being kept waiting by people or even processes. When we think of how we feel, we must also try to consider how other people feel when we do the same to them.

In our society, it seems to be an acceptable norm that anyone bigger than you can keep you waiting. It is an unholy emblem of importance to do so; for example artisans asked to assess a job and provide a service often find that they arrive at the site and are told to ‘wait’. ‘The wait’ for the ‘big’ man could run into hours, obviously because the ‘big’ man’s time, in his estimation is much more important than that of the ‘small’ man.

Also professionals who have booked an appointment find they need to call a few times to confirm and re-confirm the appointment, otherwise they run the risk of arriving and being told that ‘the manager is in another meeting’, ‘has just gone out’ ‘is not in the office today’ or the really funny one ‘not on seat’.

I was once told of someone who was asked to ‘take a seat and wait’; the host in this case was only a corridor away and her voice could be heard clearly on the phone as she made and received several calls, just casual friendly calls. This case of ‘take a seat and wait’ turned out to be a six-hour wait! It turned out that the high powered host was teaching the guest a lesson in remembering that despite their recent familiarity, they simply were not on the same level. Unfortunately, no one ‘taught’ this type of lesson forgets in a hurry.

Valuing another person is as simple as respecting their time, knowing that no matter how big and how busy you are, no one should be disregarded and left waiting for no justifiable reason.

The following are a few guiding points to assist in valuing others and their time:

1. Life is lost in waiting; make it your principle never to keep anyone waiting unnecessarily.

2. Get a diary and log your appointment as you make them or as soon as possible after you made them.

3. Use your phone or PDA to set a reminder a week or a few days before the meeting.

4. If you are unable to make a meeting for any reason, ensure you give enough notice to the other people attending the meeting.

5. Set out early on the day of a meeting factoring in any eventualities like traffic.

6. It is to your advantage not to have a bad reputation for time keeping.

We all benefit when we do things right. Etiquettebank

Don't just read it, acknowledge it - responding to text messages

2008-05-28T20:10:00.005+01:00

I'm sure I wont be the only one who has had the experience of sending a text message and had to wonder whether it was received or not.

What is more interesting is when the recipient confirms receipt of your text message after you eventually get to speak with each other without batting an eye.

Initially, it may leave you wondering whether the text was received or perhaps the recipient is offended. No shaking (no cause for alarm), this is common and may not be anything personal. It appears that people just can't be bothered to respond, don't know they ought to respond, don't feel like incurring the cost of responding or a combination of any of the above.

A few points on texting etiquette are highlighted below:

1. Respond to all text messages as soon as you can even if you are declining a request. It is better to decline a request than to deliberately avoid or keep someone in suspense.

2. If you have not made up your mind regarding a request or invitation, it is advisable to send a preliminary response.

3. If you receive a 'thank you' text, don't just read it, acknowledge it. You could respond by texting back 'you are welcome' or 'thank you too'.

4. Be clear about what you are communicating in your text.

5. Never send abusive text messages. It is a most unwise thing to do. You may regret it after you have calmed down.

6. Never send or forward racist, sexist, or any other offensive messages.

7. Some Nigeria networks take their time before receiving or delivering text messages, so don't be frustrated if an acknowledgement is late. We are a developing country.

8. Always include your name in your text except you are absolutely sure your name is on the recipient's contact list.

9. If you have not received a response to a text message after a few days, don’t lose it, send a reminder or give the person a call.

Hopefully, the above will smoothen the rough edges and make life easier for all.

Share your experiences
Please share with us your experiences on texting or any of the other issues raised on EtiquetteBank. We will acknowledge star comments and experiences. EtiquetteBank

Joining a queue - Showing respect to others

2008-05-08T23:21:00.001+01:00

Recently the question popped in my head “what crosses the average person’s mind when they arrive at a queue?”

I was pushed to wonder what people of all categories think of when they see a line. Living in Nigeria as an adult for the very first time in my life has exposed me to a variety of daily experiences. Some are so shocking that I am left speechless and some drive me to want to make a change. One of the questions I have asked myself is why do Nigerians have a tendency to misbehave when they need to join a queue?

Occasionally, one would see a respectable-looking person walk into a fast food restaurant. Immediately they see the queue, they quickly look for a means to get ahead quicker, this may mean squeezing in or pretending to have been on the line previously. Often this kind of behaviour results in a big rancour when other people on the line refuse to be cheated.

My latest experience was at the head office of one of the major Banks in Marina, Lagos. This is a grand building which can compete with any of its kind in the other financial districts of the world. The ambiance is enough to make most people put on their best behaviour. Or so I thought!

Having recently visited the building, I was pleasantly surprised to see the new metal scanners and duly obliged by proceeding to hand over my bag to the official at the machine. Just as I was about to place my bag on the moving belt, I was shocked to see a gentleman who had come from nowhere somehow happened to be faster at handing over his belongings to the guards for scanning. Here I was waiting for my turn to have my bag scanned and before I could do so, someone faster than me had come from behind to do exactly the same.

Needless to say, I was bewildered. This was a man who had clearly ignored me, passed items almost over my head and taken my place on the queue. And it is almost impossible that the man did not see me.

Below are a few questions which may help you identify your attitude to waiting in line:

Do you feel more important than the people queuing in front of you?

Do you assume you are in a legitimate hurry whilst the other people on the queue may be in no rush at all?

Do you assume your time is more precious than the next person’s?

Do you feel so important that you often don’t see the people standing around, who may also be waiting their turn?

Do you feel it is demeaning to wait in line for your turn?

In considering this big problem, I have come to a few conclusions and recommendations:

1. Respecting one another is what makes the world go round. Respect begets more respect. The golden rule everyone should live by says: “Do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.” This truly sums up all that needs to be said. If we put ourselves in other people’s shoes, we would think twice before taking certain actions.

2. Waiting your shows that you respect other people on the line.

3. Joining a queue says you are self-confident and also full of self esteem. Only confident people are able to admit there are others in front of them and wait their turn.

4. Never assume that you or your time is more important than the people queuing in line. Such incorrect assumptions are likely to impair your judgement.

5. Life is so complicated we need not complicate it further for one another. Waiting your turn in a queue in a post office, wherever, ensures everyone is served fairly in order of arrival.

6. Don’t act like you may be bigger than people queuing even when it seems obvious that you are. It is better for people to recognise and honour you than to be told off for jumping a queue.

As you go about your business this week, please consider this old saying ‘what goes round comes round.’ Let’s do things right remembering it is doing right that we are able to change the landscape of our beloved nation. EtiquetteBank

It's not just about grooming!

2008-04-26T00:39:00.001+01:00

It’s not just about grooming and dining matters; it’s changing how you see things and the way you do things!

Welcome to Etiquette Bank, a free resource from the ParkRoyalFinishingSchool stable for our clients. This site is designed for businesses and individuals who want to stay one step ahead of the pack.

You will learn how to differentiate yourself and your business and be provided with tips on relating with people and getting ahead in life.

Our mission is very clear – We want to change the way people relate in business, in society and we want to change our nation.

We hope you will make it a date with Etiquette Bank on a regular basis.

We will appreciate your comments and would love for you to extend the privilege of this free resource to your friends and family.

Thank you
ParkRoyal's Etiquette Bank