et puis?

October 16th

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Thu, 16 Oct 2014 09:35:00 +0000

"If you don't take a step, you won't change your view", is a very cheesy thing my mum said to me the other day.

BUT TRUE.
I'm so sorry but I like the sentiment behind that, there's such honesty there.
Everything looks exactly the same if you never move your body or your thoughts or your plans.

I've done so much goddamn moving this year; travelling, taking comedy seriously, getting better at working, and even actual moving of living places.
It feels good. Being comfortable is fine, but learning is even better. Trying is even better.
It's a sweet treat to lead the life I have now, that's free information about me.

My best friend (okay, fine, one of my best friends) is on billboards all over the city these days. Strange Empire is on CBC online if you want to watch it. (You do. Everyone does. If you don't find it worthwhile just for Cara Gee's performance alone... Well, no)

She was back in town a couple weeks ago for a bit, and I was leaving for New York that night but there were a few hours where we met up at her stylist appointment and drank small bottles of prosecco and quickly gave a run down of how we were and I admired her pants. The most confident woman I've ever met. Constantly in awe. I can't wait 'til she's back in the city with me. So soon!

Went to NYC for Nic's birthday not last weekend, but the weekend before. What a nice time. Nic is a joy and a gift and a brat in my life. Mostly the first two. And I'm equi-brat in her life, don't worry.
I just love talking to her.
Which, thank god, because we spend so much time together and have so much invested.
We don't always get along, but we do work very hard at trusting each other, communicating clearly, and at caring about each other.

It's an amazing thing to have an argument with someone who wants to improve themselves, who actually listens to criticism, who wants to change for the better. And since we're both trying for that it means that our disagreements are pretty neat, they actually get things done.
Also, we slept in the same bed for the nights we were in NYC and going to sleep and waking up next to someone who you can just laugh and laugh with? Try being in conflict. It's hard because laughing is the best thing anyone's ever done.

We got lilies for birthday celebrations and had to leave them when we came back home. They were so big, beautiful, and fragrant that it didn't seem fair to leave them behind. I hope that air b'n'b house appreciated them. Along with that bottle of malbec we didn't find time for.

I saw Norman the moment I got back. He came over and we chatted until 4 in the morning or so. A thing to remember is: if you invite Norman back to your house, he'll stay for awhile. Not to say that I didn't encourage it because boy did I ever. Just, Be Prepared.
Be prepared to bro-down for hours and listen to Carole King's Tapestry.
Oh, that's just him with me? Good.

Toronto Toronto Toronto Toronto Toronto, my home

I worked with a woman the other day who was talking about needing to move out of the Toronto, wanting to be in Brampton or Mississauga. It was such a foreign idea to me. I've never considered living in any of those places. But she'd grown up in Ajax and had moved right downtown, to the middle of the financial district pretty much.
I don't think living there is indicative of what it can (should?) be like to live in Toronto.

For me, Toronto at its best is dense but spacious, parks and neighbours, tiny grocers and access to all transit, old houses and new amenities, beautiful restaurants and dive bars, access to the best theatre and music and comedy. All within walking distance.

Ah man, it looks like I do love it here. But I find it hard to believe that someone could not, if they were doing it right.

I've been to so many places in the past year and a half and I think (weirdly enough) the place I miss the very most is Los Angeles. I never would have expected.

But in 1.5 weeks I get to try Las Vegas. Ohhh man. I've never been, so if you have any tips or tricks or do-on-your-account things, you let me know!

May 16

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Fri, 16 May 2014 06:25:00 +0000

Turkey Bird is out so I'm certainly playing this song on repeat and singing and planning for Montreal next week.

Last time I went to Montreal was three years ago! That seems unacceptable. It's so close and so beautiful.

Also, this is an entry from the last time and from it:
"We went to see some Sunday night improv last night on Ste. Catherine and there was one guy who was sooo appealing because of how much energy he had and how strong and funny he was.
I should probably start doing improv again, hey? OBVIOUSLY."

I'm super pleased that this time I'm going to Montreal to do Sketchfest. I'm super glad that that's what my life is like right now. I know I keep saying it, but, celebrating small things is something I'm totally into.
Also, it becomes more and more and more clear to me that sense of humour is the only thing I care about in any person at any time.
Being funny is the thing I care about in babes and in friends. The thing.

Anyway, I'll be glad to be seeing this babe in Montreal:

I took this picture three years ago of Carlos when we were drinking on our friend's balcony there. It's the front staircases and balconies I can't get enough of in Montreal. It's a month further into spring I'll be going this time so I'm excited to see the city getting all green.
Also Carlos was in Toronto when Nic and I formed Tall Sigh and decided to apply for Montreal sketchfest so I'm haaaappy we actually made it happen.

Speaking of Tall Sigh, our Future Mothers Day Party For Future Mothers was super lovely and I had a very nice time and we did a good job. It was stressful as all fuck hosting a show/putting it on/etc. And also doing a show where the audience was almost entirely made up of our very dear friends. But it was great. It was great to get super drunk afterwards when all the stress time was done and Carla Ghee could "DJ" and I could dance so stupid and most people left and I was like "how lucky am I/are we?"

Best DJ for sure.

Carla Ghee goes away real soon for a big project (for months!). Luckily I will be visiting her in July but my heart still hurts a bit. I did get to see so much of her this last weekend and we did drink revs on her porch so, I can't be upset really.
If you know me in real life you know that certainly my favourite thing is making my friends be friends with each other and Carla Ghee and Nic are just starting to appreciate each other in a way where I'm like "I knowwwwww you guys are both so funny you go ahead and appreciate each other!"

Spring spring spring spring. Except right now it's just rain and winds. I'm still not convinced we'll be having a summer.

Okay Chanel is snoring and it's the cutest sound so I have to go to sleep too. You know, strike while the iron's hot and all.

May 5

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Mon, 05 May 2014 06:05:00 +0000

A whole April slipped past, hey?

Well, happy May to you and to yours and to those who you wish were yours .

Tomorrow Nic and I are hosting our first sketch show. Tall Sigh is just the two of us, just doing things that we like. We're an improv duo and a sketch team and writing partners.
It's been the nicest, nicest thing lately.
And I kind of assume it will continue being super nice.

Tomorrow, for the first time, we get to put up a whole bunch of pieces we wrote with our own personal brains and we get to show them to a whole bunch of our closest pals and OH MAN, I can't even think of a greater gift for my life right now.
What a treat.

Learning how to work with Nic has been super interesting. We went through the Second City conservatory program together and worked pretty well together there. We had an improv team with other members in the past. And we've been dear friends for a couple of years.
It's all informing how we work together now, and it's better than I would have expected. We've grown together and we know we're funny, we're getting confident in each other and in ourselves. We're upfront about what we like and don't like, and aren't particularly precious about the work, but do stand our ground for things we like the best. We're open to each other's ideas in the accepting, excited way, and I believe we're working hard not to be competitive and only care-taking.
I love Nic and I think she's honestly one of the funniest people I've met, and in a completely different way than I am. I trust her taste and I know that her success would only mean good things for me and so I wish her every opportunity and success, in our work together and in every other way.

I've very happy these days. I'm busy in the very best possible way and super challenged by the work I'm doing creatively. Doing work I really care about and being busy with projects... I can't imagine a better life.
We've been really challenging ourselves, setting deadlines and pushing through to find the best things, not settling for what's just okay. Nic packs everything full of jokes in a way that I'm grateful for and fully respect.
We're not geniuses yet. We're not perfect, but if this is what we're starting out with then, holy, I am insanely excited for what we will be making in the next few years. And I'm excited that we're not limiting ourselves in any way right now. Separately and together we both love humour and writing and ideas and story-telling, and finding the right medium for our various thoughts and stories, that's half the fun.

What a nice life I'm leading.
If you're in Toronto tomorrow (today) May 5th, come to Baltic Ave and then you'll know what I mean about all of this, I bet.

March 24

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 20:28:00 +0000

A good way to stay home is to get a crush that you don't want to see for some reason but is still your #1, and no one seems really any good comparatively. Then you just gotta stay home and do work and not go out looking for babes because who cares.
This is only medium-working for me. I've been out a lot this week but not super late, mostly, and not out looking at babes really, just hanging out with all the good pals. And when I'm home I'm at least considering doing work.

I sent away a DNA test with Family Tree DNA. As y'all know, I'm born of donor insemination and have no idea anything really about my bio-dad. There's a group of us now who have all found each other who were all born around the same time/had the same doctor/at the same hospital, and all of us are getting testing. There's already one sibling match, and we're hoping for more. More and more people our age, even, are finding out that they have donor fathers (why people keep this from their kids kind of mystifies me, when it comes down to it) and go searching and find us.
I got my DNA test results back but so far no sibling matches. A few second-cousins but nothing very close.
Here's my ethnic breakdown, though, according to my DNA:

How do I feel about all of this?
I don't know. Emotional, but a bit closed-off?
Family stuff is strange because the only thing our bodies are made up of at first is other people.
When I look at my own face I only see my mum's family because that's all I know. And I look just like them, really. But it is strange to consider how one half of my genetic make up came from some weird stranger!

Like, I assume that my donor was the kindest, most beautiful man in the world. But he's actually probably just some guy. Like a regular guy who I quite possibly wouldn't even like.
I'd still like to look at that guy's face for once.

As for siblings... I would very much like to know who they are.
I do feel disappointed that I don't have any matches so far, but I hope I eventually meet people who are related to me on my bio-dad's side. So I'm going to keep assuming I will.

As far as being Spanish? Ha, yeah, I'll take it!
I expected that it would come back as virtually all Orcadian (what they use to mean originated in England/
We know that on my mum's side our family were pretty much in England and Scotland forever, but it's quite possible they originated in Basque or France or Spain, I suppose!
Or maybe I have a tiny French and Spanish father, which would differ from the tall fair bio-dad I have in my mind. It's the mystery of it, guys.

Chanel. hahaa what a cat!

I had a sad face after watching an episode of my favourite TV show. I won't even tell you which TV show made me so sad in case you're watching it and you don't know how sad it'll be. I cried.
Not that I don't always cry, I definitely always cry.

Okay now I'm done avoiding work by writing on here and have to go find another way to avoid it for awhile I guess.

March 17

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 03:21:00 +0000

I bought myself this backpack today! My mum gave me Christmas money to buy one but I only just got around to it. I was/am not quite quite certain but I think it's better than the black one I was considering. Because anyone could have a black backpack. Also I see myself wearing this with sundresses as I bike over to the island SO SOON SO SOON SO SOON will it be warm so soon? please god say yes.

I would like to post photos here that I haven't really posted anywhere else, but sometimes it's not that easy also it's hard because my favourite photos go to Instagram (my favourite thing ever is Instagram I love it I try to see every single thing that anyone I follow ever posts on there because I love seeing people's lives).

My cousin said to the internet lately that she hates "selfies" hahahahahahaaaahahaaaa how does she love me, still?
I LOVE SELFIES.
I love seeing people's faces. I do, though, hate the word selfie as I think it devaluates a photo. People have been trying to photograph themselves for years and only now do we have perfect technology for such a pursuit! (thank you, timer app)
I'm glad that my cousin seems to have softened on the subject, even posting a couple of her own wonderfully cute self-portraits. She's right, sometimes someone will be missing your face so you better post a photo of it for them.

(Probably should post a photo of my face here but I don't got the right one)

Here's a look at our table that isn't done yet but will be soon. Also, look how big Chanel is. What a muppet.

I think a big part of the lack of blogging over the past few years (besides becoming a super social creature who is never ever home) is the mini-blogging that happens now with Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.
For a bit I was trying to say different things on Twitter than on Facebook, but now mostly I just post to both. I'd like to have an overflow of content for all streams but no dice.
It's crazy to me how some days I can have a super pile of ideas for things (not all good, of course) and other times I'll go days without noticing one funny thing. Is it a focusing-in?
Maybe.

I realized after last night's post that I had actually stayed in every night last week (besides evening work shifts) except one. HOW BANANAS. WHO AM I?
I told Flash Gordon and she said "are you alright?"
To be fair, I did drink a lot of wine at home a couple of nights, so... But I've also been productive and feeling right nice about it.
Turkey Bird may not be that enthused to have me around way more often, especially since I interrupt her studying every two seconds to announce a new, terrible sketch idea or to tell her the same story I already told her about my #1 crush.
"oh, you still love his trying-not-to-laugh-face?" "oh, you still think he should date a librarian instead of you?" etc etc etc etc
Sorry sorry sorry (not actually too sorry) I don't actually think she minds yet.

Actually, I just clicked through the internet over to THIS and I laughed so so so so so loud and she's in bed and then I cried with laughter so she may be awake now. And angry.
Also I keep texting her "Barraco Barner" because I saw this tweet on the internet and I love everything about it

I have been whispering Barraco Barner to myself for a full 24 hours now.

Yesterday I pulled this handfull out of my inside jacket pocket, showed Violet and announced that I was "The Wolf of Wallstreet"

This is a face that wants to bite me, no kidding. I like her red fur.

There's only a few minutes in the afternoons when light comes into the narrow alley between my bedroom window and the house next door. It's lovely, but terrifically short. I would pay money to get more light in my room. I love light, I nap better in a sunbeam than anywhere else I can sleep in a room with full sun no problem I love light light light. But my room is dark. Luckily lovely.

Okay, I'm going out now. SO STRANGE.

March 16

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Sun, 16 Mar 2014 06:36:00 +0000

This is what my room look like, kind of. When it's clean. It's never really tidy or anything because I just don't live like that. It's nothing compared to what my disaster has been in the past, though.
I love my little room, it's nothing if not me.
I wonder if I'll stop liking flowers. My roommate, Turkey Bird, does not prefer flower prints! I can't even imagine. Luckily she does prefer real flowers and plants of all kinds. Last week I bought three plants this week she bought three plants, it's getting to be a real plantarium around here.

Oh I already posted a photo like this? Well, that's dumb but I don't have much to take photos of these days because life is boring and the weather sucks.
I stayed in 4 nights this week which is basically unheard of in my life. I mean, I did go out for hours this afternoon but then I came right home after work.

I saw my best friend, Violet, this afternoon. She is a lawyer which means her life is not like my life at all. I asked her when she'll be having babies I could hold and she said probably not for a couple of years and that made me mad because, Violet, I could have babies by then for chrissakes.
What am I supposed to do with my arms in the interim?

A couple of weeks ago Violet announced that she thought she would never be a bridesmaid. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! Violet does not think I'm going to get married.
Ha, well, does anyone at this point?
She said she just thought I wouldn't have a traditional style bridal party or anything but it turns out she doesn't know me at all because I don't know about traditional but if anyone manages/agrees to be bound to me then I will certainly have all of my 15-20 best friends stand up with me and shout it out loud.

Wait, let me count how many I actually have.
fourteen.
Unless aunts can be bridesmaids, then sixteen.
Boys and brothers and cousins can definitely be bridesmaids that I know.

Wow, no one's going to get themselves into this mess, hey?

I've got Chanel. Oh wait, no she belongs to Turkey Bird. I'm not worried, to be honest with you. I'm not at the place where I should be settling down. I have too much work to do.
Even with my #1 crushes these days I think, "no thank you you go away for a year or two maybe get a boring girlfriend for a bit and see you later I have to do better work first so you'll see how I am really inside and be so proud"

Hey here's a doorway in my room. There's two doors one window in here, for you need-to-knows.
I like the banner over the doorway that my cousin made me it wishes everyone good travels on their way out of my life (forever).
I bought those two wood prints in Venice beach and the guy who made them was so handsome!

I wish I had someone to follow me around taking pictures of me like I've been doing for Nicole. She's a few years younger than my ADULT THIRTY and she has changed a whole lot in the couple of years I've known her. So have I, of course. But, there's something about early-mid-twenties. I miss it/don't ever miss it.
I'm also Nicole's best audience, she has the left-field kind of thinking/humour that I'm most envious of. Most of my thoughts/jokes/ideas are very linear and based in real life, I can tell you exactly why I thought of a thing and it's usually because someone else thought of it first. Am I giving up trade secrets here? Hahaaa oh man no.

Nicole and I are a comedy duo now called Tall Sigh which happened by accident and we did our first show together last weekend and we were like "why aren't we onstage all the time we love being onstage everyone look" and this is the best decision but also a disaster since all we do is hang out and make jokes that only we find funny and laugh and laugh for hours and talk about men full time instead of making actual jokes that actual other people would find funny. Soon. We'll fucking figure it out.

Nicole and I were (drunkenly) reminiscing about how we were when we first met (we did the conservatory program at Second City together).
Me: I thought we would immediately be best friends and was confused when you didn't reciprocate the feeling
Nic: I thought you were trying to steal everything from me

Being friends with people who are competitive by nature is pretty interesting if one is not a competitive person. It's a negotiation, but neat! I'd like to become more competitive, actually, but instead I'll probably just look at some more pins on pinterest for awhile and think about how much I want to get engaged but also how the idea of a real relationship makes me panicky and wary.

The nicest thing you can do for a person is post any good pictures you've taken of them.

Okay, Parkdale moon, I see you. And goodnight.

March 13

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Thu, 13 Mar 2014 05:49:00 +0000

Lovely weather today. If it were Christmas today, I mean.
Yesterday like, what, 12 above? And then 30 below overnight tonight. It's giving-up weather.

Here are some things about lately:

Actra awards a couple weeks ago. I had a really, really fun time. I generally do. I got right drunk and then wandered around looking for my various crushes, found one and made him dance with me and he was a surprisingly good dancer.
Good dancers, man.
If I ever cheat on my husband I hope it's for that reason. "He was just... dancing, man" (I will call my husband "man" only)

My room, lately. I've gotten a lot of stuff up on the walls, finally. It feels much nicer in here to me now. I am such a stuff-person.
"The only thing I like better than stuff? Things!" - my mother

We put the papasan chair back together wrong and we rather like it. WHAT REBELS THIS HOUSE HOLDS!

I never thought I could think a black cat was so beautiful. Does that make me a shallow and terrible person? Certainly it does. Anyhow, I'm proven a decent person by changing, by growing. And now I know the beauty of Chanel. She looks so different to me all the time and her face is just so rude and beautiful! It bites me so much! She's a weird muppet to hold in my arms!
And just look at the tufts of fur between her toes. My favourite.

All I have to take photos of these days is me, Chanel, and my house. It's good not to go out all the time but also I miss it. I'm eager eager desperate for real spring. And even more so for full-summer.
Making out on playgrounds in the middle of the night, and bike rides on the island. Oh holy god it doesn't even seem possible right now.

I was on a date and my date's friend made this bead arrangement and I thought it was surprisingly lovely! I was very pleased.

When said date decided he was done going on dates with me because I'm not the kind of person one tries to settle down with these days and because I wasn't being nice enough. I felt sad (not rightfully sad, selfishly sad) and I took myself on a date to the Communist's Daughter where this guy lives:

If you think to yourself "Meredith, why don't you fall in love with him?" don't worry I've already considered it and will continue considering it for about a million years, I bet. We do love each other, though. And we speak frankly and caringly and he's so nice for a hug. If you had a bartender like this in your life you'd feel better. I'm happy sitting at the counter on my own, writing, drinking red wine and having bits of talks with him. Very happy.

If you are going to get your hair cut I have to recommend more than anyone in the world Melody at Quinn West. She's the only reason I can have short hair. Also Nicole (pictured here) went to see her and then gushed forever about her and also Melody made Nic's hair so glorious that it went straight to her head and she acted extra-bratty all evening because of it (in the best way, really).

I am tired of wintertime-dressing and my wintertime-face. I have a spring face or a fall face. Maybe a summer face, but definitely enough winter face.

View from Dollface's place where I was house-sitting a few weeks ago. A beautiful city.

The light from all of the windows at Dollface's house means that I took all the photos of myself.

I do think my eyes are getting bigger in my old age. I liked my friend's theory that our heads shrivel and so our eyes look bigger. Also all the mascara.

It's nice to recap like this and look at these photos and see how beautiful my life is these days.
I've decided that absolutely no one reads this anymore except my family and maybe two people, so I'm happy enough to write whatever the f I like, which is a supernice treat since all I like is honesty.

It's a really, really nice life I'm leading and I have to listen to that and use that as a place to go from.
Lately it's been hard not to feel less-than and jealous and wanting and especially
nnnnnnot-good-enough

and the truth is that I have plenty of talent and plenty of looks, and my life is just different from every single other person's life. It's not less-than or better-than, it's just mine.
And since I've been happy, since I am happy, and plan to continue being really happy, then I'm doing a good job.

I think sometimes we don't give enough credit just for living well.
What good is any type of success or talent or beauty if you're not enjoying it?

more california, for ya

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Wed, 12 Mar 2014 05:54:00 +0000

There's so many photos from my California trip, here are a few more of them.

this is the face of a lady who is not impressed with all the flights in the world being cancelled.

When we finally did get on a plane we did order a prrrretty sweet snack pack (and several margaritas). Those apricots still live in my purse. I don't know why.

Our Salt Lake City motel room. We went hot-tubbing and then jumped on the beds. So, basically, it was the time of our lives.

To take off a jacket when it has been winter and is suddenly no longer winter.. I can't explain it.

We yelled and jumped and down after getting off the plane and finally being at our actual destination after 36 hours of travel. We were so, so pleased. Just stoked right up.

Our first poolside drinks were beautiful patron margaritas from the friendliest bartender at our hotel. He poured the tequila, looked at us, poured some more. It's like he knew us.

View from our Palm Springs hotel room. It was like a goddamn dream I wish I hadn't woken from.

My uniform for Palm Springs.

It was just me and Carla Ghee together full-time for the first few days of the trip (occasionally accompanied by her film's producer, right) and we started speaking together and finishing each other's sentences and wearing the same outfits by accident (then on purpose).
This brunch place was so great and had bottomless champagne at brunch for $3.99/person. Not kidding. Mimosa city.

everything about Palm Springs seems photoshopped and unreal. And beautiful and lovely. And warm.

Before the screening we had dinner and snuck around the side to where there was a little hotel area and hammocks outside of people's rooms and Carla Ghee immediately got in all of them.

I mean, we all did, really.

I am nowhere near sad here, just bad at photos. We brought so many dresses. It was all we packed, really. And we only wore a few of them.

at the Gay!la party we went to for the Palm Springs film fest we were actually the life of the whole event and constantly talked people into dancing and danced onstage and had an awesome conga line. I like a party with dancing and props (and open bar).

Life by the pool was very hard for me. Just kidding, this was the last day in Palm Springs, so it was rather tough. We were on our way to LA, which was the best, but leaving Palm Springs was nowhere near easy. Especially that day.

This time of year is hard and looking back on this isn't particularly easy. I've only seen Carla Ghee once or twice since coming back and she's going away soon and I don't know what'll happen with our friendship, or even where it's at now. She has her partner anyhow.
My roommate has a new boyfriend and he's her focus now.
Norman spends all of his time writing (big congratulations, in the most sincere way to that guy) these days.
Virtually all of my other friends are married or engaged, and that will always be their priority.

I'm lonely. Not lonely like I don't know enough people-- lonely for a best friend.
Or it's March, or things are changing.

It's weird watching a part of your life coming to an end. I'm not as nostalgia-based as I once was, I'm not as set on holding onto everything, but it's still quite horrific to me. To lose people, to realize I'll never be as important to someone as I'd want to be.

There's possibilities for greatness and newness in change, but it's still something that makes me uncomfortable.

Last time here I said I had changed, but in most ways I'm exactly the same. Exactly the kind of person who expects too much from their friends.
Sometimes it serves me well, sometimes it breaks my heart.

february/march

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Thu, 27 Feb 2014 20:03:00 +0000

I find it interesting that throughout my adult life I've felt that there have been various patterns and things I repeated again and again. And now these days, things feel different.
Different how, I don't quite have that figured out.
Like, I'm assuming that nothing will be the same as it was before.
I was the exact same person for most of my twenties.
And now I am not the exact same, I am growing.

I think about about the stagnation of my mid-twenties. I was the exact same and did the exact same things and talked the exact same for those few years. Is that true?
I wasn't ambitious. I mean, I was, in tiny doses. In small steps. In the theory of being ambitious.

HA! LOOK!
from February 26th 2008:
"This is the time of year where I start dating someone and then it lasts for 3 months or 2 months plus vague continuous involvement. Maybe this year will break the pattern.
I'm wary of myself mostly. I should stay single.
Especially after that last involvement where it turned out that I am completely insane and have no concept of actual feelings or what is real. And then I turned out to be really mean. And even when I knew how mean I was being, I didn't stop it."

From later in that entry:
"We play out patterns until we're through with them?"

From February 26th 2009:
"I've been kind of nostalgic for everything these days. It's February/March/April.
Otherwise known as my least favourite time of year. The time of year where everything makes me want to collapse.
I'm missing kisses. And small kindnesses.
Beaches and fields."

and:
"And yes, I am still on babe break and it is going very well, thank you very much.
I'm becoming more mature and responsible and self-controlled by the second. "
The second what? the second week?

Now, I don't know how different I am. I feel different.
I feel like I am only now getting a handle on how to be.

I was so hell-bent and bent-set on nostalgia and looking back and being attached to the things I loved.
I feel less like that these days, more willing to keep going, keep doing, get further away from how I was was/things I've loved.
I miss Saskatoon, but more I just miss the people. I don't want to live there again.
I miss California more, I look forward to the point in my life where I get to spend a quick winter in California.

Lately I've been using the word "dynamic" which is a TERRIBLE word. It's so terrible. But could you see what I mean when I say:
"I want a dynamic life"
"I'm becoming a dynamic person"

I've been painfully insecure for so long, and I'm only now getting into the real true idea that this is ALL I have to work with.
Which takes away some of the insecurity for me, makes me feel more at home in this life. Mine mine mine.

The hardest thing, for me, these days is how the things I want are so divided.

husband all the babes
babies no responsibilities
crafts fame
wine in the garden party forever and ever and ever
early mornings 4am drinking after hours
dinner parties tacos in california
hugs making out in alleys
gardening pool hopping
a cottage world travel
a beautiful home an apartment in spain

I dated my upstairs neighbour in the fall for a couple of months and was deeply interested in that situation of the idea of settling down and true love and all the babies and weekend trips away and taking the truck to home depot and something steady to come home to and being taken care of and caring for someone.
Still the idea of all of that sounds appealing, of course.

But there's still the other things.
And so my relief in the breakup was not only to do with the neighbour being the wrong person for me, but also I felt free. And excited about my life again. In a different way.

And for the first time these days I am excited about being single. I've always been good at it, but these days I'm so pleased in it.
I don't feel less-than because of it, I don't feel left out (ha just kidding, I certainly do), I don't feel like I'm missing my husband I haven't met yet (okay, a little bit).
But I don't feel less-than.
Which is the best, best. And I love all the babes and I'm more beautiful than I've been before and just, better.

But, in this, I'm worried about saying no to potentially good things.
Saying no to good men. The kindest handsome men.

I should not be with anyone who is too far in either direction.
There must be people like me.

Being single is not inherently lonely, but society has set it up to be.
I keep getting abandoned by dear friends who don't have time for me because of their lives with their partners. Because of settling down.
Fair, fair.

I don't want someone to settle down with, I want someone to be the best with.

That makes sense! That's the truth of me right now.

feb

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Fri, 21 Feb 2014 00:09:00 +0000

I have to go bowling. I'm going bowling right away here.
Even though it's a rain/snow storm outside. This weather has been nuts. This whole winter is pretty bananas.
And soon it'll be spring and we'll all cry with happiness. That spring is coming soon. Yeah?

I haven't been talking to my mum on the phone in the same way that I used to. Enough, I mean. This makes her sad and me sad but time moves so quickly these days and I'm so social that it's a bit unreal. I can barely remember the time in my life where I used to not leave the house for days in a row. I'll call her more.
I mean, there's still a lot of time I spend facebooking in my bed all day. But it's not the same. All I want is to see everyone and to have the best time with all my friends and all the babes and all the new people and all the strangers. I need much less alone time, much less recovery from fun.
I used to be so much more obnoxious and overwhelming and I would have to recover from that and these days I'm cultivating my social attitude and language and it's serving me well. It's been forever since I've left a social situation and felt bad/used up/overwhelmed/too-much. Which is so very nice!
These days I want to drink forever and laugh forever and wander around forever and hear everyone's new stories and tell everyone the same joke over and over and over again. And be liked and like.

I'm finding my life very fun these days. I'm finding jokes very funny these days. I'm finding a confidence that I've long wished for and have seldom accessed.
If this is what 30 feels like then I am more than happy to live in it and keep living in it.

I have much more to say and I always forget to write.
I'm writing other places though, so at least all the different kinds of stories I got are hopefully all finding places to go.

finally 30

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Wed, 25 Dec 2013 06:38:00 +0000

Hello, I'm 30 now.

I should be sleeping!
Tomorrow is Christmas day! (well, in a few minutes, actually.)
It's been my birthday all day. My 30th birthday. I've had an online diary since I turning 18, I believe.

I wonder sometimes if it's not Christmas I love, so much as all of the build-up.
No, part of Christmas is the build-up. And the parties. And the events and well-wishing.

This year it's felt like it's been Christmas for a whole month already, at least!
This is due mostly to how my Toronto home is the loveliest, warmest, coziest place and we've made it so festive and nice and just a dream to hang out in.
And my roommate feels like home to me and our home feels like home, and Christmas has felt like it's all over my body and heart for weeks.
Maybe that's why I feel a bit sad tonight? That it's almost the end of it again?

I feel sad I think because the holidays are stressful. So much to do, so many different people to see. All the catching up, and the coming face to face with missing everyone. Missing everyone at my other home. Feeling awkward and big and clumsy, like I don't fit properly in Saskatoon these days. Feeling like I would fit back here if I stayed for long enough or came back often enough. It's all stressors that are uncomfortable in.

It hurts my heart to look at my little cousin who is in high school now and think I've missed so much of his growing up.
I'm finding it hard to know how to be a great friend to my friends with young kids, or how to hang out with them. It feels ridiculous that I don't know their kids really.
I don't want to live in Saskatoon anymore.

I always thought I wanted to move back at some point, or at least spend a lot of time here. I would still spend time here, but I don't want to live here. Which is a hard thing to come to terms with.

Life is exciting for me right now and I'm very happy, especially on a day to day basis. I'm just a bit sad right now, I think just because of how overwhelming everything is.
It's funny because as much as I go on about how much I love Christmas, pretty much every year I have a melt down. It makes sense, though. A lot to go through.

And there's sadnesses in this city that I can avoid thinking about in Toronto.
Three of the four cats my mum had had for the past 15 years or so have died, so it's just Adventure Cat here with me, and she's so lovely, but I miss the others quite fiercely.

And other things, bigger sadnesses and missing people that are written all over here. Some streets are hard to go down, some buildings are hard to see.

When I was younger I was built on premature nostalgia, and I was always looking back. Familiarity was king and I loved what I loved and wanted to do the same kinds of things over and over again.
It's an interesting and maybe difficult shift but I'm much more future-thinking these days.
I want new traditions and new places and big adventures and everything everything everything in the world seems right at my fingertips, everything seems just about to happen. And I am trusting my whole self and body and spirit to be good and true and honest and figure out how to make it all work.

But I can still be sad.
If I like, I can be sad occasionally. Or even if I don't like, I bet.

I'm really excited for the next 2/3s of my life. I'm really excited that I'm myself and I get to keep on living as me and seeing what will happen next.

Happy 30th birthday to me.
Happy Christmas and holidays and new year to all all all allll alllll of you who I hold so dear in my heart and arms.

cottage 2k13

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Wed, 21 Aug 2013 04:17:00 +0000

hello!
hi!
I'm at a cottage!

we rented a cottage for a week and now we're here! finally the time has come for me to relaxasaurus rex all over this damn lake house!
Dollface's parents sold their cottage last year, which broke our hearts (of course) and continues to break our hearts (of course). So I took it upon myself to find a cottage to rent for me and my buds to go to. It's basically unheard of to rent a cottage for just a night or two in Ontario cottage country so we had to book a cottage for a full week. boooo hoooo boo hoo!!!
just kidding! this is the best!
We just got up here today (Tuesday), me and my roommate and cool doing-things-with-lovely lady, Turkey Bird as well as Mrs. as well as another one of my favourite guys who I don't know his nickname on here anymore. Dad? maybe dad. Anyhow he directed the first real short I was in and is just the best.

The four of us for the next couple days have BIG PLANS
a) sleep/nap
b) eat
c) read
d) write
e) swim
f) relax around for like approximately forever

on the weekend a million more people are coming and that's going to be oh-so fun and so nice and I am excited to party and skinny-dip and drink with them! best of both worlds, that's the plan.

is this cottage as nice as Dollface's old cottage? Probably not. Is it amazing in its own right? yeahhhman. The dock is down like a million stairs, which is going to be unsafe when everyone's drinking, but I think it'll be a rational, care-taking household even at the most packed so I'm not too worried. It's a bit of a pain that the water's so far down but it's also ridiculously beautiful. Plus, the more I go up and down them, the more I can count that as exercise for the day!

I love cottages more than hotels, motels, holiday inns. More than other people's houses. You don't gotta worry about wrecking things and everything is beautiful and mix-matched. Isssssssooooniceee.

Probably a million more on this later. Sleep time comes early at the cottage so that we can all get up and swim and do yoga on the dock and eat all our snacks and nap and oohhhh man. What a dream. What a sweet dream.

from here to there (I should be sleeping)

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Tue, 30 Jul 2013 05:11:00 +0000

it's almost moving day!
it's almost moving day!
so so so many goddamned things to pack still!

I'm feeling a great deal of anger towards every person who has ever given me a thing. All these things? I now have to move these things! So many things!
Nah, man, I love my things. I make Turkey Bird a bit nervous with how much I love my things and how many things I own!

Turkey Bird and I are moving to Parkdale. We found a main floor apartment with a backyard as big as a farm!!!!! it's so big!
We are going to buy hammocks and maybe a slip'n'slide and we'll have fires in our firepit. YES WE WILL THANKS.

I'm feeling a slight melancholy about leaving the Ossington Dreamhome, but it's made better by having such a beautiful space to look forward to. A new neighbourhood (right beside Carla Ghee and her mister, even!) and new things to decorate and explore.

It's been a good run here, though. I don't know if I'll ever have a bedroom as beautiful as this one again. And having a million roommates has been exactly what I needed.

When I moved out from living on my own for 7 years I was looking to have people around, learn conflict resolution skills, not freak out if people touched my shit. That sort of thing.
I've grown oh-so much in these past 2 years. I would recommend roommates to anyone! Even the hard parts, because it's learning and figuring out ways of being.

It's been so nice and so challenging, and so many changes. And for more than a year now it's been the same us four here and that's been great. I'm going to miss Cpt. Heh SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, even though he drives me BANANAS like whoa.
I'm glad that he and I got to live together at some point in our lives because I've considered him a best friend for so long and it was nice to be close again and know each other. Aw aw aw.
(also I'm still annoyed because he doesn't do anything and drinks all my apple juice hahahhaaa)

what times we've had! what a beautiful life! I honestly wouldn't trade any of this (jk tiny parts of it for sure were no good!).

moving day June 1st two years ago. Crazy! I had no idea what to expect in this place. I have no idea what to expect in this new home. I am ridiculously excited for it, though, and to have Turkey Bird by my side and taking care of me like I take care of her. Thanks craigslist for delivering Turkey Bird into my life. And thanks universe for getting us our cool new Parkdale farm!

Pictures to come soon, just as soon as we get there!

p.s. --- we have a dishwasher and a working fireplace!!!!!!!!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Fri, 12 Jul 2013 23:07:00 +0000

Guys, I've discovered the key to my writing!
It's having Turkey Bird waiting to go for tacos with me, man I've done so much while keeping her waiting!

I probably should stop keeping her waiting.

If anyone hits on me tonight I'm going to yell, "FRIDAY, MORE LIKE TRY-DAY, AM I RIGHT??"
aaaaaand now we know why I'm always single
ahahaaaa no one was wondering.

PS -- I know where all your ex-boyfriends are, they're all on okcupid.com and I've looked at all their profiles! The internet. What a place, man.

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Thu, 11 Jul 2013 06:54:00 +0000

My day today consisted mainly of being in wardrobe. I booked a thing which I will tell you all about when it's airing or maybe after I'm all done and finished shooting.
It's different being in this place a second time around. A few years ago I booked sooo many things in one year. Then nothing. Then nothing real for a long while. It's made me way more wary. But since I did the farting spot recently:

I feel like the curse I had has been a bit broken. Curse on my own self for feeling not-good-enough, not-confident? Curse put in place by a real rude witch? I don't know, man.
Either way, I'm happy to be back to a place where I feel like I'm real cool beauty who can book real cool things.

Yep. Real cool beauty.

I got to try on a million wedding dresses! I said I wanted to get married this year, and this is... better? At least I'm not marrying some turd I barely know?

Anyhow, more later.

Also, already (only on fitting day, not even on shoot day) there's already two people I've worked with before and both are like "oh yeah, you are very funny" LIKE THAT'S A THING! a thing is that I'm funny. Oh so nice. Also, hang around with me because I'm murdering it these days and you'll want to like indiegogo all over my face.

Then after all this serious business meeting all day, I had celebratory drinks with Carla Ghee and her manly love, Mr. Gee (baaahaha) and I said, "hey guys, imagine if we don't end up finding a place for August 1st? maybe think about it and could I live in your spare room for one month if I paid you so much money?" and instead of thinking about it they announced that the idea would be "pure joy" which is..... oh MAN do you guys even know how much I love these people?

Growing up fiercely unpopular and struggling with how to even be an honest person but also a cool person and also a person that people can stand to be around... and now to have this fucking rad little magic beasts being like "no kidding you can live with us no problem bring home all the babes you want" is just like................ HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY?

hopefully by being an honest cool person. hopefully.

Okayokayokay sleep now. I'm thinking I'll keep my bridal hair tomorrow because, hey, the higher the hair the closer to Jesus.

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Wed, 10 Jul 2013 05:47:00 +0000

Another blog post! Here's a post! For you!

Hey, if I go out less and stay in more, and avoid more creative projects by blogging, we all win!

Big things that are going on in my current life:

a) we're moving. August 1st apparently. Pray for us to find the best apartment and find it soon! We're looking at a few places and waiting to hear back on one we rather loved... It's tough and a bit stressful!

b) I'm feeling better about my creative stuff/acting stuff than I have in awhile. The ongoing curse I felt I was under (curse of feeling not-good-enough, curse of self-sabotage, etc) seems to be lifting. I've got to keep this on the upswing.

c) I get to be a bridesmaid at Carla Ghee's wedding next summer! aw aw! I'm excited for her to be marrying such a kind and lovely man who is my dear friend as well. And I'm excited for the fun party that this surely will be.
Carla Ghee and I have been spending more time together than ever before and I'm finding it nothing if not the best. What a kind, warm, and easy-going woman. Also so fucking funny that it's unreal. What a treat!

(which reminds me, I still need to post all the photos from my very dear Violet's wedding. So much to catch up on, it's unreal.)

Okay, now more about my big trip, there's so much to say and so many photos to post. I really underestimated.

(Moleskine from Violet for my trip! I did a lot of writing in here [never enough, of course] and it was a super nice thing to store all my keepsakes in.)

It's still hurting my feelings to go through my pictures from London and Paris, but at the same time, I really am happy to post them. Hopefully I keep on with the uploading!

You may remember Charlton from last year's trip to NYC. He's now my travel bud and he's so tiny and just the best thing to clutch in my fist. What a cute!

This is from the train in from Gatwick. Oh, the trains, guys! I love love love love taking trains! I'd live in England just to train around all the time!
Seeing the British countryside for the first time was neat neat. My mum's parents came over from Britain when Granny was pregnant with Mum and a lot of the stories I grew up with were British ones, and the only country I feel any sort of actual tie to (besides Canada, of course!) is England. I felt super pleased with the train and the countryside and I wept a little (from exhaustion and nerves? maybe.) while looking out at all the little houses with their millions of chimneys.

I was beyond lucky that my friend who's living in London these days encouraged me to take this trip and then offered me his living room for the week I was there. OUTRAGEOUSLY NICE.
And it wasn't just a normal living room, it was a big room with a big TV, a door I could close, a huge blow-up bed, and one of the most comfortable couches I've ever napped on or sat on.
I cannot get over this guy's hospitality. And his roommates' hospitality! What terrifically nice folks!

Also, he met me at the train station and brought me on the tube back to his place. He got me an Oyster card (for tube and bus travel in London) and a coffee! What the eff! The two things that I so badly needed the moment I stepped from the train.

This was the view from the living room.

So many double-deckers going by non-stop! Double-deckers are so fun!

The area was beautiful and perfect and there were all the shops I needed right around, and pubs and dreamboats of babes. Man, I don't know, no wonder people travel and travel and never stop. But how do you get over the missing of it? I'm tearing up right now with nostalgia! ha!

I bought flowers and treats and Sainsbury's has a whole line of gluten-free products!
My stomach was wonky for the first few days so I did watch a lot of British television.

Ginger beer was my lord and saviour amen during these days. Not that I needed to be drinking alcohol. Leave me alone.
(the liquor store here sells ginger beer and I have some in my fridge I keep forgetting and I'm extra excited to drink it now)

Anyhow, Britain's Most Embarrassing Bodies!
I can't get over that this is a TV show!
I can't get over how much they show! I saw breasts and penises on this show! I saw a guy get surgery on his curvy penis! He was sooooo happy when it was fixed.

My host showed me around the city and gave good advice on where to go and what to see. Also, he's super interested in history and is full-fledged in love with England (even though he grew up mostly in Canada) so he was a constant stream of information and a cool tour guide!

(vegan buffet place thing that my host took me for lunch one day and it was so boho and so charming and delicious and yes please. all those pots in the window, that's all the food. It was crazy packed just a few minutes before I took this.)

I felt rather... at home in Britain. I liked how people spoke and I like how everything looked and it all kind of made sense to me! I had been a little bit worried that everyone in London would be so much more beautiful and chic than me, but nope, I was clearly just not even thinking! I mean, everyone was lovely but I maybe think that Toronto has the most beautiful people I've ever seen. And New York. But also Toronto.
I said to my host, "In Canada I'm like a 7, but here I'm basically a 9.5" and he said, "always a 12, but I see your point" aaaawwww.

Classically, I immediately got a crush, luckily on my host's roommate. I only say luckily because it's handy to have someone nearby who is too cute! British sense of humour, man! I can't actually tell if some of them are funny or if I just prefer the way they deliver everything all the time.
Anyhow, I didn't get to see enough of this roommate, and I wasn't as forward as I should have been seeing as I was on vacation, but I did encourage him to come to Paris with me. I like to think he almost came and met me. It's stupid when people have jobs and can't just take off on a whim and meet up for a week in Paris.
Imagine!?
I have no pictures but you'll have to trust me that he was adorable and if he comes to Canada you'd probably want to hold his hand or some nonsense.

I was coming home the second night I was there, after seeing Louis CK (!!!) and after picking up some falafels and chatting up the handsome Turkish falafel guys and I was going to eat my falafels in the park across the road but I saw there were lights on in the living room window and I thought "I bet the roommate is hanging out in there sort of waiting for me to come home!" so I rushed upstairs. He tried to pretend like he should vacate my room but I was having none of that and I made him stay up way way late with me drinking weird horrible tiny drinks like Cherry B and a weird tonic and talking about everything in the world.

"she's got massive tits and he's staring right at them!" - the roommate about the Magnum Tonic (best read in a British accent, of course)
Like, maybe he was mad about the terrible Cherry B hangover I caused him, but probably not too too mad.

(I'm writing casually about this on here because a- who cares and b- I'm considering being more frank with whatever the eff I feel like writing about [respecting others' privacy of course] on here because no one reads it now which is kind of awesome and c- I'm into good stories)

Look at the cool things from the supermarket! I would pay so much money for some of those pre-mixed pimm's cans right now. Love love love.

I took several pictures of signs that said "To let" because I thought it was utterly hysterical that you could just add an "i" in the middle and it would said "Toilet!" Is this just a joke that Brits have gotten over? Why isn't every sign graffitied this way??

I was super enamoured with these doors, which were much more impressive in real life and the building was twice as long as all this blah blah anyhow, I like buildings!

One evening I met up with a lovely Toronto lady who was living in London and she took me to a bar with a teepee on the roof! It was so windy it felt like it would blow over at any moment but it did have hot rum drinks and a fire to roast marshmallows. We went to see some comedy as well and yep, there are comedy babes in London. In case you were wondering.

Okay, that's all I've got in me for now. Still things to say about England. And mostly next about Brighton. Brighton. And the countryside! One million sighs.

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Tue, 09 Jul 2013 07:40:00 +0000

How would I even start if I were to start posting again on here?
All the millions and millions of things that have happened in the past few months! And even when I was still posting occasionally, everything slips away.

I've had several inquiries lately as to what happened to this and why I don't post anymore. That is the nicest. That anyone still cares about this dipshit of a blog.
I'm just busy!
I spend way less time by myself these days. It feels like I am always at work or out and about.
And if I am home I'm usually doing something stupid like watching TV or just looking at all of Facebook forever.
And if I'm going to be writing I should definitely be putting that writing time into any of my numerous creative projects.
Can I get a job just thinking up ideas for movies for me to star in? And then other people can complete the writing part? Yeah, someone get me that job.

I do feel like having Instagram and Twitter and Facebook updates is just as good as having a blog? No, I guess not.

I was posting to Tumblr for a little bit, worth looking at I would say. ohmistletoe.tumblr.com. Maybe I'll post there again. I feel I can do a different kind of writing there.

I've been feeling quite under the weather, emotionally, lately. For awhile now. I know that I need therapy but the idea of seeking out a therapist seems tough! And I'm tired. Haa, it seems like therapists should be more proactive in finding patients since depressed people are bad at getting things done!

I keep thinking how I'm not, like, depressed, because I'm not sad about anything in particular and everything is actually fine and stuff, and then I realize that that's how depression works!
I've become mildly convinced that this recent spell of being down is owed to how I don't cry enough anymore. I can't remember the last time I really wept.
I tired to start it out the other night by watching videos of pets being reunited with their owners.

This one kills me!

So, I'm not sure what I'm planning on doing about it. A problem with this depression is that I do think it's a bit character-flaw related, and not physical as much. I know that if I were doing the kind of personal, creative work that I need to be doing that I would be feeling oh-so much better. I would bet you $400.

I have more money coming in right now than I've ever had before. It's SO STRANGE. It's really nice. I oscillate daily on "I should buy myself all the gifts" and "hoard all the money forever and ever, it's fun to have so much money hanging 'round"
HAHAA I'd like to point out here that "so much money" to me is probably less than what most people always make, and I'm just using it to pay off all my debt. It's nice still, though!
Having a bit of income just makes everything feel easier and smoother. It's not the end of the world if I have to cab from audition to work, it's no big deal to buy 5 dresses from value village because they're all just too beautiful, I can own two computers and not feel terribly guilty.

A nice thing I've noticed about having more money is that I can now donate bits of moneys to causes and to indiegogo campaigns and things! It's nice.

Also, we are moving August 1st (end of the Ossington Dreamhome era!) and my roommate, Turkey Bird, and I are in the middle of setting up viewings of two-bedroom apartments for ourselves and it's great not to have to worry about getting a slightly more expensive apartment, and it's going to be utterly luxurious to hire movers!
Guys, I'm nervous about getting a place!! I just want the most beautiful apartment with a beautiful yard! I want it to be settled.

I'm super pleased that Turkey Bird wants to get a place with me. She's just the nicest lady and so easy to be around. We have pretty opposite schedules so when we do get to see each other, it's a treat. I'm looking forward to making a beautiful home with her.
I'm sad not to live with the boys anymore, but I'm ready to have less roommates, and I'm certainly ready to stop having to clean up after people (until I have babies!!!!).
When I first moved I did want lots of roommates and a friendly, social house, and I've loved this experience. I love my room and all the best times I've had around here.
It's just time for a new part.
Exciting! And sad!

(all the locks in Paris)

Well, guys, I went to Europe. I went to England and I went to France! I spent a week in London and a week in Paris. It seems very surreal in retrospect and there are these very clear memories and then other parts that just seem made up. If you don't follow me on Instagram, I do recommend it, Instagram is one of my very favourite things. I love photos. instagram.com/ohmistletoe.
I still have some more photos that should get posted. Or printed. But I did post all the best ones to Instagram.

(Paris rhino)

I can't really sort through them right now and look at them all because it makes me feel very sad. (edit: I did quickly upload just a few, which are posted here. Now I feel sad. I miss everything all the time!)
I love travelling!
A bad thing is how attached I get to places, though, now I just want to go back to England and France! It would never be enough time. London more than Paris I miss, and Brighton most of all.
I don't know if I would live in Brighton, but... no, sure, yeah, let's move to Brighton!

(rue mouffetard in Paris)

I wish I'd known when I was in England and France at the end of March that when I got back my summertime job would change and I'd be making so much more money than ever before. I would have been less worried/cautious, and I could have bought all of you more gifts!
(hahaaa although, I still have gifts for people that I haven't even given out! Worst! I'm the worst!)
Actually, you know, my trip was just so, so lovely and what an insanely lucky woman I am to have gotten to go!
Good for me for just booking a trip and GOING.

Much more travel in my future, I assume.

(blossoms and the shard, London)
Oh, a thing though: I love Toronto. I lovelovelove Toronto these days.
It's not just that I know the most beautiful wonderful geniuses, and get to have the best times, it's also that this city is huge but has huge trees, the downtown is awful/beautiful, but the island is like being at a cottage, and there's so many parts to the city I haven't even seen yet!
I went down to Sunnyside beach for the first time the other day, and guess what? gorgeous. And I haven't even begun to explore High Park!
I'm excited to keep living here over the years!
(although... NYC, especially, you know...)

Look at my beautiful friends! These are who I get to hang out with!

I went to a beautiful event yesterday, a fundraiser for a play written by my childhood best friend, Prune. It was an early-evening social event, bourbon and gin cocktails, oysters and live jazz.
Why don't we do more things like this all the time? I know I keep saying beautiful, but it really was.

I hear the city is flooded right now. Our roof is pretty severely leaking. A good time to move! I stayed in this evening, drank a couple of celebratory ciders, and napped. I think it's now finally time for me to go back to bed. I love sleeping. Having days off is such a wonderful thing.

Hey, maybe I'm a blogger again now? We'll have to see, I guess.

off day day off

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 01:18:00 +0000

Dear Norman,
hahaaaaaaaha well, I for sure, certainly succeeded in completely wasting this day. It's really not that bad, I kind of earned it. My days off are rare lately. I'm not working a bad amount of hours but I do usually work at least one job/day.

I'm having baileys and coffee and I'm going to go to Nic show's at the Rivoli in a bit here and get my energies up somehow. Comeonnnn coffeee.
oh shit, I just found some baileys chocolates as well....

(at Mrs. and Arrow's Christmas party)

Went to Hoops last night with Carla Ghee and some of our other pals and I was sitting in the basically empty pub in a row at the bar with two dudes who hadn't joined there before and they were like "this is like a living room. only the best living room ever with a very attentive mom"
basically.
The two bartenders I've had so far are sooo nice. One is from last year but one is new. They are the sweetest and like my jokes.
Also Carla Ghee and I were super happy to have a completely brandnew audience of pals last night for our hockey jokes. We've been killing it lately with the jokes but it's okay we'll tell you all of them when you're back and it'll be like it's fresh all over again for you.

Norman, I had a weird thought the other day. Why (IN THE HELL) do I get involved with/stay involved with people I don't genuinely like as much as I like my best friends? Have we talked about this before? Maybe.
I've been thinking about it now that I'm home with Cpt. Heh more often and I love him sooo much and am happy to see him and think he's funny and excellent. I would never worry about bringing him out with buds or worry he wasn't handsome enough/funny enough. I'm proud to be seen with him.
Quick clarification: I am not in love with Cpt. and neither is he with me. I'm using him as an example because I feel like men are different than women and here is a man who is one of my favourite people.
Why do I consider making romantic interests a priority who aren't as good as my best friends?

A shit thing about involvements is that they pretty much take over in terms of importance and time and obligation. And we give our time and energy to these people who frequently end up being not worth it. Whywhywhyyyy

Okay, I'm in a nasty bit of mood. Not about any of that. Just in general! A general nasty little mood!

(adventure cat adventure cat!)

(little cousin so so cute) (also the funniest and sweetest. along with her beautiful siblings, of course.)

It's so rainy out and what kind of jacket am I supposed to wear? it's so cold.
When I was younger in Saskatoon in the summertime I'd borrow my mum's giant yellow rain cape and sit in the yard for what seemed like hours (but was probably only 15 minutes) watching the rain and pretending to be jane goodall.
hahaaa I don't remember why I thought I was like Jane Goodall considering there were 100% no chimps or apes in my backyard whatsoever. Something to do with that documentary my mum and I had watched at one point, I guess.

(Christmas eve birthday outfit featuring double-tights. it was soo so cold this Christmas in Saskatoon. Also, that's my current favourite outfit. no contest.)

Also when I was younger I for sure thought I would stand still long enough with birdseed on my hands for long enough to have the sparrows and chickadees come rest on my fingertips but I have no patience for anything I'm not immediately good at (explains my success in life) and so that, also, was short-lived.

(Christmas morning face.)

Does anyone have any friends I can stay with in Paris or in a seaside english town?
No?
Hmmm. I have decisions to make and imagine if I just had money? Then everything would be simple and life would be perfect.
I don't like to admit to being worried about money which is hilarious because I really should be!

I hope I am never too proud to wear depends.

OKAY BYEEEE NOW BYE BYE BYE

hoops and jokes

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Sat, 26 Jan 2013 07:03:00 +0000

Dear Norman,
sometimes when I growl low and in my throat to myself late at night (it happens semi-frequently) and I'm drunk (also frequently) I feel a bit nervous. Ha! I'm bad at knowing where the beasts are.
hopefully.

We won tonight! I know you were at a sports bar on the prairies but I was at our beloved, most loved, top loved, Hoops. And I honestly feel a bit bad for how much I love Hoops considering how for pretty much 26 years of my life I DID NOT like sports and had NO INTEREST in sports and now I just feel most at home perched up on my high stool at the marble bar of Hoops. The glow of the big screen is tender and the bartenders like my jokes and I feel... safe. I feel warm and comforted. It's so ridiculous.
And also, I love our hockey team. I just think they're so nice. I don't like when they make smug faces or act like little bruisers because it hurts my feelings. Like, "I have your back, so you be nice"
I feel like with my public support and my trying to be a good person they owe me to try to be nice guys.
HAHAAHAHAHHAAHAAAAA hahahah professional athletes are the worst.

I was supposed to go a couple of different places tonight but I didn't want to. I just wanted to smile and sigh in a bar made of TVs. It was nice being on my own. I really watched the game and looked at the internet a bit and ate fries. Dream life. I did not feel the slightest bit weird being there on my own. Probably how you've felt in the past..?

Nic recommended I read Just Kids by Patti Smith and so that's taking up another bit of my focus.
I love personal stories. I think I actually only like things that are at least a little based on real life.

It looks like my friend from Saskatoon, who I'm sure I've nicknamed here but I can't remember now, is going to come to Paris with me for a minute or two. And we're going to go see Louis CK in London, I think! She's at Oxford right now and it'll be her break when I go there so I'm excited to see her and maybe visit her school!
I need to remember that I really want to go see local comedy in London.
I want to see comedy all the time.
I'm in love with how fucking funny the world is, and how funny everyone I know is. And I'm excited to keep learning about humour and comedy and how it all plays out.
I used to be worried that if I were to be a comedian I'd have to be so busy keeping track of all the funny bits and all the jokes and I'd never have time to enjoy them. I've also worried that if someone (especially a woman, for whatever various reasons) is a comedian they'll never be allowed to do serious dramatic work.
I now think that's a bullshit worry. LET'S ALL JUST TELL OUR STORIES. Let's tell our stories in the most honest ways possible with different slants or pointing out different things and it's just the details or reactions or situations that decide if it's drama or humour.
I love living.
I hope I get to be alive forever and ever. I hope I always appreciate this life.

miss you!!!

dearest, dearest,

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 05:46:00 +0000

One of my BFFs, Norman, is away for a few months doing a play in Calgary and Edmonton (if you're there go! It's The Kite Runner. Report back.) but I know that he usually reads my blog.
And I've been having a hard time getting around to writing in here. So maybe if I make it letters to Norman these days it'll give it clearer structure or something?
We'll see.

Dear Norman,

I can't believe we've been apart more than a month already. This seems unreasonable. I'm not really interested in continuing our separation.

I guess the only upside is that this month has passed quickly and maybe that means that the next two months (and a bit) will go quickly.

Things are excellent around here.

Hockey is finally back (as you well know!) and Carla Ghee and I went to Hoops on Sunday to watch our sweet little darling babies. I had almost forgotten just how funny Carla Ghee and I are while watching hockey. It's like hockey is built for us to make jokes about/during/because of. I don't know what it is but I liiiike it. We were joined by her main man a little later on and DON'T WORRY, he's still a handsome fuck. And Carla Ghee is just as beautiful as they day I first laid eyes on her.

I'm working so, so, so much. No, that's not as true as it was before Christmas, but I'm busy. Very busy.

I'm doing the second level of the longform improv program at the Second City training centre and I'm loving it very much. Well, some weeks. Some weeks it's very hard. But the hard parts usually end in me being eeeeven better.

I'm at a place with my improv right now where I think I could be genuinely excellent at it if I had the time and money to devote myself to it full-time. I mean, if I didn't work evenings and instead took a couple of classes a week, saw shows allll the time, and did at least one show, maybe more (yes, this is how improvisers live. all improv all the time.) then I think I'd be great. I don't have that luxury right now, unfortunately.

I'm still good, though. Better than ever, really. With minor ups and downs.

London and Paris so, so soon! I'll be back from there when you're back. It'll be over so quickly.

I've started slightly panicking about how it'll be the best thing in my life and how then I'll want to devote myself to travel and I'll want to never come home. I hope I don't get overwhelmed by melancholy while I'm there, just thinking about how many I'll never be able to go back.

Of course I'll go back. I might as well travel the world!

I'm just on the cusp of getting to be excellent at so many things, I'm not worried, really.

I've also been working quite hard lately (and in the last couple of years) to not be someone who wallows in sadness or stays down for longer than necessary. I love being sad, don't get me wrong, but there's no point to it so much of the time!

I was thinking about traveling a bit around Europe, not just seeing London and Paris but now I'm leaning towards spending most of my time in just those two. I'd like to have a chance to really wander around a see a bit of it. I don't want to have to rush about. I won't, in fact! I won't rush about. I've been spending lots of time looking at possible hostels and air b'n'bs. I think I'll end up getting an air b'n'b in Paris. I like the idea of staying in an apartment, and every hostel I looked at had at least one really neg review. I'm not uptight by any means, and I'm probably the least germophobic person I know, but I will want some time alone and a door to close, I bet.

I love being by myself.

I've been weeping over my excitement. Which is good. Anticipation is 9/10s of enjoyment. Something like that!

This is the air b'n'b I'm leaning towards: https://www.airbnb.ca/rooms/566341, it's up 7 flights of stairs and has only a squat toilet in the upstairs hallway! hahaaahaaa amazing?!

Hmmmm. I've got to get started planning the bachelorette party and bridal shower for my best friend, Violet. She's getting married in May and that's also so soon and I really want her to have the most excellent time but also she has no interest in planning this sort of thing plus she's a busy lawwwwyyyyer so she doesn't have all day.

It's pleasing because having all this to plan and the wedding coming up and everything is making sure we talk to each other and hang out sometimes, which it seems we never get to do enough.

I love her and she's going to be such a pretty little bride, I'll probably just try to marry her myself.

Just kidding?

I watched two romantic comedies tonight and my roommate, Cpt. Heh, made me dinner. Then my other roommate, Turkey Bird, came home with TWO gluten-free treats she shared with me. Above waffles are from Cpt. Heh a few days ago. My roommates have been bringing me so many treats it's like having several boyfriends who are excellent because they mostly leave me to my own devices and don't mind if I text babes all day.

Why is my life so excellent?

Dunno, man.

Also, Cpt. Heh told me that he likes my current hairs better than any of these wigs that I spent too much time trying on at work. Awwww. If this were a romantic comedy Cpt. Heh and I would fall in love. I think it's a bit because you're away, Norman, that I've been extra into hanging out with Cpt. Heh. I need more boy-time!! Also I love Cpt. Heh so, so much. I always forget how funny he is. Really a riot.

I probably have, like, a billion things to tell you but I'm running out of time but I do like this format for right now, so maybe I'll be inspired to blog more! (probably not)

Anyway, I miss you Norman (and everyone else who is reading this) and I hope you are well (same to you, other readers).

Oh yeah, also, this is a dog I met and she belongs to our friends who I forget what they are nicknamed on here but they are handsome boys who date each other and kind of look alike. She's soooooo cute like a muppet and her name is Patsy.

I'm really into dogs lately. Don't let me forget to walk Kaya tomorrow!

Byeeeeee

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 22:45:00 +0000

hi hi hi
I only have a few moments until my mother's computer decides to shut itself off. So maybe this will never be posted. I am doing laundry. Free laundry. Many perks to Saskatoon, apparently!

I'm drinking a beer. Do I need this beer? No! Am I on holidays? Yes!

This is maybe the first time I feel like I've really earned a holiday in quite, quite awhile. I love sleeping and lying around reading, that's for sure!

Saskatoon is so ridiculously beautiful this year that it seems almost fake or made up. The hoar frost, man.
It's nice being back and seeing everyone, but I'm homesick for Toronto as well. I'm here for the right amount of time. Maybe a couple days longer would be okay, but I am looking forward to being back where I can walk everywhere, back where I know everyone, back in my bed, back hanging out with my buds.

We had a lovely Christmas, though. Very successful with many beautiful gifts and too much to pack into my suitcase, as per usual. I've been balancing out my laziness with lunches and dinners with old friends and trying not to get overwhelmed by family.
Old friends really know you, which is a treat. Hahaa, if they're good friends, I mean.

So, it's official. I'm going to England/Paris in March. I cannot afford this in any capacity!!! It is a terrible idea! Why did it happen? Well, I talked about it too much and I'm done with being one of those people who is always talking about things and never doing them. and then I found a roundtrip flight to London that was something like $830 all in and then, whoops, I booked it!
AAAADDDDVVVEEEENNNTTTTUUUURRRREEEE

Airbnb better come through for me. I'm going mostly on my own, though one of my favourite friends has a place in London he has kindly offered me a bed for some nights! Oh how lucky of a little lady, I am!
I'm kind of shook with excitement about how fun going to Paris on my own will be. At first I was upset to not have a travel-mate, but now I feel pleased that I'll be rascal-ing around Paris on my own like a little imp in peace!

Okay, the computer ran out of patience for me so I'm finishing this up on my phone. Too much effort!
Let's talk again soon, BYEEE.

it's just always playing catch-up around here

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 21:11:00 +0000

(this is maybe my favourite picture I've taken recently)

I didn't have internet for a few days there!! it was the worst! I hated it so much and now I'm so behind on all my stories but maybe I'll quit watching my stories until after Christmas because I have SO MUCH to do and so many work shifts and SO many crafts to make and we have netflix on our TV now and there must be some Christmas movies on there? Right? Which ones? Any?

Look, Prune and I accidentally dressed like twins! we hadn't seen each other in a couple of months, even. And that's what happens. Classic.
We went to see Metric the other night at the ACC. I never get to go there as a guest so it was a pretty big treat. We also got to drink after the show with everyone in the upstairs club on account of I kind of know a couple of the dudes from that band from when we went to the cottage years and years ago and I ran into them last week and got pulled into partying forever with them:

I got carried around for awhile, I think? I also had the worst hangover of this year the whole next day and I'm pretty sure I announced to them that it was okay to party forever but I'd just QUIT MY JOB THE NEXT DAY DON'T WORRY LET'S GO TO AN AFTERPARTY.
Luckily I did not after party. Luckily. And I went to work, like a semi-responsible adult.

Also my outfit was beyond dumb (those earrings with that sweatshirt!), so big congrats to them for still being nice to me!

I love Cpt. Heh so, so much still. Which is good. Yesterday I made him go to the Christmas tree lot with me and carry home a tree!
(actually it was his idea, more. Which is great!)

I was very, very pleased. I've never had a tree this early, actually this is my VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE, really! We decorated last year but we didn't have an actual tree, but this year Turkey Bird and I are both so into Christmas it would be dumb not to have one!
I was very handy last night and widened the cheap new tree-stand's holes with a drill all by myself and also sawed off the bottom branches of the tree with a bread knife! I wanted it to be all nice when Turkey Bird came home!
I forgot she was getting in late and I got a text in the middle of the night that said:
"OMG that tree is amazing"
and then:
"Our tree. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">hahaahaahahaaaa awww so beautiful I could weep.

I don't know when we're going to decorate it but we're going to do lots of craft ornaments like strung popcorn and cranberries which my mother NEVER lets me put on her tree. And orange slices and hopefully salt dough and gingerbread ornaments as well. I'm very, very interested in that!

Liiiike, maybe I lay under the tree for a bit last night.

my roommate, Turkey Bird, on her birthday wearing a party hat that Cheespie knitted for her! So cute!

Love a good Dirty Thirty!

this is what I look like most days at my office job when I'm sitting at my desk.

I got new glasses. They're alright but now that I'm devoted full-time to being good-looking (hahaaaaa) I hate hate wearing glasses. None of them are my favourite. I feel like a frump no matter what.

Look at this face I hang out with lots.

A big, big problem I'm having these days is that now when I don't feel like wearing make-up or doing my hair or putting on nice clothes I feel waaay worse than I ever did before.
Oh god, life is tough, I know.
Does that medium make sense, though?

This hat has changed my life. I think my life will become divided into two parts: Before Hat and After Hat.
Just kidding?
But it is a strange hat that has powers maybe, but I'm not sure how good those powers are?
I actually have way more to say about this but not right this minute because I don't have the time.

Wow, okay, good. You're updated a little bit then. I wear heels now sometimes. That's also a thing. A weird thing.
I like it for now.

cold and cuddle season

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 00:21:00 +0000

I've been fighting a cold for about a week but for some reason last night/today it decided to get all up my business.

okay I'll post some pictures of myself on the internet.

I was in a cab the other night with a date and the date had a fierce beard and the long hairs and the cab driver was actually super concerned that this old man was kidnapping him. Even after I explained that the date was 9 months younger than me the cab driver kept insisting "look how old you are, look how young she is!" trying to show us in the rear view mirror to prove his point.

A crush of mine asked me a few weeks ago (a question he got from an online dating site), "what makes for a better relationship, dedication or passion?"
On account of I knew him and what he'd say and what he'd want to hear, I said, "well, only assholes would answer "passion" since passion fades and it's dedication that makes things work"
Of course of course of course of course.
Except if there was never any passion, then... there's no point to the dedication. It kills me when people try to commit to things and fully invest in places where there's no BIG NEWS (at least in the beginning).

There are two lines from Bright Eyes songs that get continually stuck in my head and this is one:
This weather has me wanting love more tangible

It's cold out and it gets dark so early, and it's hard not to want to bed-in and cuddle-down and find someone to hold on to.

I'm not sure of what kind of dedicated love I'd be, but I assume I'd be good at it, if there were enough passion to start out with. I base my guess on how I care for my friends, how much I want to do anything for them and just know them forever. I base my guess on how I'd like to be a great love some day.

These days, though, my main talent is dedicating myself only to situations that aren't worth it or (especially) to people who aren't quite available.

I just took some nighttime cold medicine and just noticed I spent five minutes smoothing my hair over my face and eyes. So... that's good.
I apologize if none of this makes sense.

I think part of why interacting with people all the time tires me out so much is that I get distracted by how much good we all mean but there are so many ways it goes bad.
I'm constantly dissecting conflicts and interactions and choosing sides and changing my mind and running over what I would do or what they should do or how to go about life.
I'd like a minute for my brain to quiet itself.
I'd like to be the kind of person who doesn't care about relationships between humans, or arts, or creativity, or what things mean...

Let's all just lie around and listen to Joanna Newsom until we fall asleep, yes?

bits and vids

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 00:30:00 +0000

too many things to count on all my hands, I'll tell you that for free.
so many things going on.

whenever I sit down to write a blog it's forsure because I'm trying to avoid working on a bigger project. So, in a way blog updates are bad news. But I do apologize because I miss having a regular blog and keeping updated.

I'm always late posting pictures. But Dollface's family Thanksgiving this year was really excellent. I feel lucky that her family still lets me come! Her grandmother is my role-model, she buys giant easy-grip bottles of rye. Is that reason enough? Probably!

pants-free Thanksgiving. Super, super cute.
As much as I want a baby less than I have since being maybe 17, I am still super affected by little guys sometimes. Especially working the kids' shows at the theatre. The extreme amounts of cute are almost hard to take. I feel stressed out by kids' vulnerability.

Here's the tattoo that Dollface's bro drew for me to get. Perfection.

I think these are from the same weekend? Maybe. Got free tickets to a basketball game that I didn't have to work. Nice to be the one drinking the Smirnoff Ice instead of serving it foreverandever!

I fucking miss hockey. Don't get me started.

I'm still pretty much a relationship expert.

BYEEEEEEEE NOW.

(p.s. less than 2 months til christmas if you want to know what to get me, look here: pinterest.com/ohmistletoe/things-to-buy-for-me-as-gifts/ !!!!!)

he holds the golden books makes the rules

noreply@blogger.com (meredith r. mistletoe) — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 06:24:00 +0000

eeeeevery time I think I'm about to be less busy, then WHOOPS, no I'm not.
Not in a bad way, no siree.

(Here I am tearing up at Mrs. and Arrow's wedding. what a lovely day. So fleeting, this life.
It's really unreal how quickly it all slips by.)

I have been feeling less fantastic than what's become usual.
In fact, the other night I watched Downton Abbey and cried hard for half an hour, then set myself on fire.
Haaa, well, I mean, Cpt. Heh was making pasta (with butter-cheese sauce inspired by Honey Boo Boo's family recipe for "Sketti" [sauce=butter and ketchup] which was a massive failure because all the cheese just went a ball. a ball swimming in butter. ahahahaaaa so gross/good?) and I leaned across the stove to get some vitamin b (still up in that for sure) and set my scarf on fire and didn't notice for a moment or two until it had time to get a pretty big flame going.
Guess the property manager should fix the heat so I don't have to wear pashminas all day all night forever.

My other roommate, Slippers, told me that he thought I was a naturally busy person, but NO, GUYS. I'm the kind of person who used to need so much time alone, I used to not leave the house for days at a time. Now it's not at all unusual to be out of the house for 12 hours a day for a few days in a row.
Having fun. Too much fun to resist.

(looooooove this!) (good showcase of my hairdo I did it myself and I was pretty okay with it)

Today I did one very, very fun improv workshop and then I did a set as a part of Big City Improv Fest at the last minute, which was very, very fun.
I start a long-form improv class in a couple of weeks and have another workshop this weekend. Aaaand I have a couple of new teams/projects in the works. Pleased!

I had a bit of a reaction against improv (and maybe especially the whole community/who I felt like I was there/the extremity of it all) after finishing up the conservatory at Second City. It's weird to be so fully immersed in that world. I had to remember that I like other things. So many other things, I like!
But now, after this respite, I'm so wonderfully excited for improv again. I've heard from many other improvisers that they've also gone through times of removing themselves from it for a bit. It's necessary sometimes.

(This one just kills me, I love these two a ridiculous amount. And Mrs's dad is so cute here! He's a preist!)

(I was in charge of holding the golden book! Which it didn't occur to me that it was a bible until way later. Classic.)

okay okay okay okay now:
sleep
theatre office
dog walk
skydome
comedy bar
(brief snooze)
theatre office
comedy bar
theatre
assumably comedy bar
SLEEP
good. good good goooood gooood gooood.