Almost 90 support letters went out on Monday and with an approximate $3900 bill to pay for the trip, I’m very confident that God is going to be at work in these letters and in the hearts of the recipients. That’s the only way that this kind of money will be raised!

Ona discipline note though, I need to be much more dilegent about praying each day for this trip. Not only do I need to pray for myself and what I am to be doing on this trip but also for those who will be with me during this time.

I received an email today with the participants names to pray for. Mostly ages 16-20. I am the second oldest which was expected and the next oldest is 42, a woman who works for Touch the World. Please join me in prayer for both myself and these people.

Amy, Brittney, Brock, Hilary, Janine, Kristina, Lucas, Megan, Megan, and Yon

July 1st will start the journey for me as I am going down a day early before the leadership conference starts and then July 28th will mark the end as I will be back home then. 4 weeks of stretching, demanding, and some of the most spiritually rewarding times of my life.

Father, I pray for the individuals above. I pray that you keep working in their lives up the day they arrive at training camp. I pray that you bless their decision to embark on this trip and pray for financial support for them. This trip is expensive but nothing is too big for you. I pray that the members of the team can raise enough funds in time for the trip. I pray that their faith in you strengthens as the trip gets closer. I know this trip will be big for Uganda, Touch the World, and each person’s life involved. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this trip. Use each of our gifts to bring your love to this place. Guide our thoughts and help us prepare for what is ahead. It’s in Jesus’ name I pray and ask these things. Amen

Jesus looked at him and loved him, “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

Acts 13:47

For this is what the Lord has commanded us: “I have made you a light for the Gentiles that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth.”

Acts 5 : 12-16

The apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders among the people. And all the believers used to meet together in Solomon’s Colonnade. No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people. Nevertheless, more and more men and women believed in the Lord and were added to their number. As a result people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter’s shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by. Crowds gathered also from the towns around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those tormented by evil spirits, and all of them were healed.

Acts 5 : 38b-39

For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting aginst God. 

Acts 5 : 41-42

The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name. Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Christ.

Notice a pattern? I do.

Everything that has hit me, convicted me, sparked something in me lately while reading scripture has been related to full submission and commitment to the lifelong pursuit of serving God wherever He calls me to go. Whether it’s in my own backyard or halfway across the world, He is definitely getting me ready for something. My credit card debt is paid off this summer and car within 18 months. If He were to call me to leave within a week and go across the world to serve, I’d be able to since I would own my car then and have no debt

And the more these passages pop out at me, the more appealing this lifestyle becomes and the harder I try to pursue it each day.

I checked my email about 100 times and watched a couple movies. Played guitar for a little bit then picked up a DVD that I had just received in the mail.

Invisible Children :: Rough Cut

I was floored…

The film started off a little slow, clearly representing the naivity of the trio of filmmakers departing from California. But as the film progresses, I was sucked into the pain and suffering of Uganda and began to remember what initially got me thinking about Africa about a year and half ago when I watched the Black Sunday DVD. After finishing “Rough Cut” though, I had to throw in “Black Sunday.”

Yeah, I cried. Yeah, it was sad and gut-wrentching. But it got me thinking about my first time watching the film and my recent decision to partner with TTW Uganda for a 3 week mission trip in Kampala/Gulu, Uganda.

I am convinced that God is calling me there to start something in my life. Something He wants me to live for. Whether it’s evangelizing to the people in IDP camps or building up leaders there or bringing back footage that gets people back home excited to serve internationally. I don’t know nor am I expecting anything.

I do, however, expect God to use me there. He is calling me there and there is a reason behind it. I pray that I am open to the voice of the Holy Spirit before the trip and while I’m there.

The more I read about the atrocities going on in Uganda and get more and more emails from Invisible Children and Touch the World, the more excited I get about participating in this trip. I only hope that it glorifies Him and that I actually do some good there, even if it touching just one person.

I have yet to find a place for me in school. I’m having a hard time staying involved at church (something I plan on stepping down from in June…). When it comes to relationships, there is something beautiful and sacred about them that I deeply desire but have yet to find. Work - who knows what I’ll do the rest of my life since I can’t even finish school.

But shouldn’t I just rely on God providing for me and leading me through life?

It’s a difficult position to be in life where things aren’t really lining up well but everything seems to line up. I work at Starbucks as a shift supervisor. I make $10.27/hr plus an extra $40-50/week in tips. Plenty of money for me to live comfortably, even with $600 in credit card debt payments a month. Imagine when that is paid off in October! Even more comfortably!

Working at church - tech leading for two years has been great but it isn’t working for me right now. I’m simply praying right now for guidance from God as to where I should serve next and what gifts I have that can benefit the church and the kingdom the most.

Financially — God has hooked me up this past year with money that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Almost $6000 in debt is going to be officially paid off this October. In addition to that, my car which I got for $10,000 will be paid off 2 years early in January 2011 at the rate that I’m going right now. Amen!! In 18-24 months, I’ll be completely debt free and if God were to call me to the ends of the earth, I’d be able to leave within a week and not worry about paying “the man.”

School - part time school is NOT working for me at UConn and at this time, I’m looking into online education through Phoenix University. I’m simply waiting to hear from God on this matter.

Uganda - God’s calling me there this summer. I’ve gotten a couple emails from Invisible Children about internships lasting from anywhere between 4 and 12 months. I’m excited to see where this trip leads me.

But what does all this mean?? How does it line up?? Who knows!

But at the same time, it works. Financially, I’m in no need of getting a job that pays 6 figures which to me means I’m in no real rush to earn a degree to get a job paying that kind of money. Serving at my church is a passion of mine but it’s just a matter of where I can find my niche there. Serving globally has been an interest of mine and its only now that it is starting to come out. Starbucks is satisfying enough to keep around for a while until I need to work somewhere else.

I’m one who likes control of my life and I simply want to know the next move. God is working in me basically telling me to shut-up and have faith. It’s a growing pain but one necessary to build character in me to grow into the person God desires me to be.

Started off a really good week. Finally made some serious progress with my ex towards healing and letting go of that relationship. I know that while dating her, I lost my focus on Him and now being out of it, I have that focus back. But unless I can let go of the relationship and fully trust that at the end of the day, He will still be my priority and focus, I’ll never get over her. Needless to say, it has been by far the most difficult relationship I’ve ever gotten over. So many good things in it but so many fierce negatives as well that tore it apart.

The week went by fairly quickly. I laid out in the sun a lot since the weather was fantastic. I went to a different church and worshipped for the first time in months and heard some really good preaching that was definitely applicable to my life. I saw an apartment for rent that really suited me well. A friend of mine was subletting a room in their house and opened it to me.

The only problem was that it was 30 minutes from work and 2 minutes from UConn and my church, both of which I am not participating in anymore… I odn’t feel called to be at UConn and am miserable there. I also have felt called to step down from the Atmosphere team at St. Paul’s. It has become more of a chore to me and in discerning that feeling, I feel more destructive than productive on the team. So living in this apartment didn’t make sense anymore.

But I had nowhere else to go. It was $690, a little steep but whatever. Through a series of emails with the owners concerning whether rent was negotiable or not, I was denied the apartment in fear that it would bankrupt me. Who knows… Maybe it would. But I was crushed after reading that email. Things began to manifest in me…

Work over the next couple days were rough. I was tired. I was irritable. I planted myself on bar so that all I’d have to do was make drinks. It worked for awhile then I snapped. I began picking apart people and why they were slacking, not focused on my fierce attitude. I yelled at three people because of stupid things. A co-worker came in back at one point and called me out on it. We are friends outside of work as well so my mental response shocked me when I began cursing her and becoming resentful of this critique of my behavior. That set me off more.

Now when I get angry, it explodes in me and I lose control. I verbally shutdown and physically become stiff and cold. I get jittery and if you can’t tell I’m angry, you aren’t paying attention. Then everything releases in bursts and I feed off of that. This has been the most angry I’ve been in a while. And over nothing! Yeah I lost the apartment but clearly it makes no sense for me to live out there if I won’t be participating in UConn/church for a while. Live around work and that makes sense! 

What was different that has been changing in me over the last couple months is the mental response I have to this. Yes I still feed off the anger and build it. But at the same time, I desperately turn and try to call out to God for help. This weekend was one of these times. I continued to hum worship songs and try and turn off what had already been turned on. I have no doubt God heard me but I think He was trying to teach me to turn it off myself and learn from this.

Anger gets me no where in these scenarios and only adds stress to my life. It’s in these moments that I learn to prepare myself more for these times by staying in scripture, worshipping Him, praying with Him. Keeping vigilant and aware of the spiritual battleground around me, pulling me back to anger and rage.

It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these weekends and I plan on and hope to make them fewer and farther between as time goes on.