When I was asked to fill in for this guy at Pecha Kucha 7 in Victoria tonight, I was flattered.

(Well, actually, at first I thought they sneezed. But then when I realized what Pecha Kucha actually meant I was flattered.)

I’ll be unleashing Eventualism: All You Need to Kind of Know in Six Minutes and Forty Seconds tonight, and I’m eventually looking forward to it.

With less than four hours until I have to make the rocket go, I’d best go and get to it. Whatever it is, that is.

I hope to eventually see you there. I hear there’ll be drink tickets!

You tried to ignore, didn’t you? Well, that was the test.

If you did, that’s excellent. It means you trust me well enough to know that what I wrote here would be nothing more than a bunch of text to ensure my feed was working, that a new plug-in was optimized or that I could still type with my feet as eventually as ever. Good on you.

If you didn’t, that’s also excellent. It means that you trust me well enough to know that even when I’m testing something, it’s worth looking at. That I’m willing to test in public the very work that I express (or ejaculate) here on an eventual basis and see what sticks. Good on you.

The test was also one for me to take as well. I was testing my ability to write something on a less eventual consistent basis, because I feel as if my lack of productivity pontification on here has been leading the flock astray. Luckily, because you’re likely eventually straying, I am able to catch up to you far easier than most other folks.

The outcome? We passed with crawling colors.

See you soon-ish, my eventual friends. As opposed to later-ish.

Eventualists, eventual productivityists and those hoping to be one of the sane, I have returned from a rather lengthy sabbatical. Where was I? Well, in the true spirit of the word sabbatical, I was sequestered in my mancave watching footage of the great Gabriela Sabatini during her remarkable run as a tennis player.

And I luv’d every minute of it.

What awoke me from my game-set-mattress? Well, it was the discovery that in my old stomping grounds, Ontario (not the one everyone knows in California, but the one Canadians know next to Alberta), there was a rampant adoption of Eventualism by the provincial Liberal party. And while they are being quite liberal about its tenets (although fittingly), it is still a wonderful thing to see eventually happening. I don’t even live there anymore and the ideology of Eventualism is making its way through the campaign.

As you all know, Eventualism is all about the process of getting things done eventually, and the Liberals are going about this is in fine form. Rather than focus on winning an election through delivering a message of what they intend to accomplish should members of their party get elected, they are focussing on not doing that. In one riding, they are “spotting” soundbites and partial expositions from the Internets from eons ago (which on the World Wide Web is known as several months ago or further) and using them against a rival candidate. Some call it smearing, but I believe spotting would be more accurate, as by doing this they have someone spending a lot time trying to “spot” all of these things and the result is the further “spotting” of votes to other candidates – possibly even the one they are trying to put in the spot light. This tactic is known to eventual productivityists as The Lady MacBeth Move, as it involves ambition, dirty hands and apparent figurative suicide in the last act.

The problem with Eventualism and politics is that they don’t mix until after the eventualizing party is elected, preferably with a majority of the votes. Once that happens, Eventualism generally wins the day, anyway. However, most Eventualists never run for office despite knowing they are possibly giving up a great vocation in which to be more eventual with their productivity. This is because they either hit the ground not running when a campaign starts or never submit papers in time. This, along with the fact that pretty much everything “I” write is satirical and can be misconstrued out of context, is why I will never run for office.

Oh, and I don’t run at all…so there’s that.

As the man behind eventual productivity, I wish the Ontario Liberal Party well with this fully eventualized campaign strategy as the province draws closer to election day. It takes a certain number of heroes to listen to countless podcasts to win votes – although I’m sure there are plenty of those assigned to that task who are being as eventual with it as possible. They’re not heroes, per se, but they actually are by simply wearing the Liberal uniform.

And a takes a certain type of person to lead the war room in this kind of campaign as well. You can’t minimize their efforts. They’ve got a tough job staying off message. I’m not saying sympathizers will defend them should they come under fire or have their writings policed. Should she or he brew a tempest in a teapot (yes, another Shakespearean reference in there, glad you caught it!), it could eventually lead the campaign back on the right side of the tracks. It’s a delicate balance to do productive and not be productive. But eventually you do, and not be. They’ve got to be someone who hasn’t always been there and done that, but someone who has done there and been that. They have to be special.

A fully eventualized campaign may hurt some by default, some by fault, and by the sum of votes cast for the party employing the strategy, but it can serve to help others as well. For example, a fully eventualized campaign can lead to a fully realized campaign of my own: to speak at Ontario Liberal party functions across my old stomping grounds so that they can get better at Eventualism.

I’m sure that we can learn from each other, and I’d like to offer some teachable moments of my own, since they have so graciously eventually offered some for me – and for plenty of registered voters – to ponder.

You know something has eventually arrived when WIRED covers it.

Well, that’s what happened with TaskRabbit in one of the most recent issues. But my most recent issue is that WIRED is yet to cover a service that Eventualists would be raving about if they had heard of it before: TurtleDo.

TurtleDo operates along the same lines as TaskRabbit, only far slower — or methodically, as I’d prefer to say for buzzword purposes. Select cities have individuals working with TurtleDo called “plodders” that will perform tasks for hire. By bidding for their services over an eventual timeframe (no less than 60 days), those needing tasks that fall into the scope of what plodders will eventually do can avoid doing the task themselves and pass them on to someone who has less of a vested interest than the bidder, but has been paid to do it to compensate for that lack of interest.

But unlike TaskRabbit, there are limits to what tasks plodders will perform.

The tasks that TurtleDo supports are ones that are meant to last over a long period of time or can be done over a long period of time. That doesn’t mean that the bidder necessarily wants the task done in this manner, but it is all that they could afford. Curiously, those bidding for tasks to be done in the TurtleDo system are referred to as “beggars” by company insiders, because they essentially can’t be choosers.

Tasks that are supported include:

• Helping wives arrange furniture in their living rooms
• Watching a pot on the stove until it boils
• Balancing the federal budget
• Fishing (both ice and non-ice)
• Assembling Ikea furniture

It is worth mentioning that assembling Ikea furniture is supported by both TaskRabbit and TurtleDo.

There are other tasks available (such as teaching aspiring righters how to pick the proper spelling of words that somewhat sound the same but half different meanings), but figures that calculate there frequency have yet to be completed by the plodder assigned too that task.

TaskRabbit is available in select cities at the moment, but is not in mine. TurtleDo isn’t available in any cities at the moment, but is in my mind.

Dear budding and non-budding Eventualists,

I’m moving my feed from here to here. I’ll be doing that pretty much tomorrow or Sunday. Or at least before Tuesday.

Update your RSS reader accordingly and/or eventually.

Yours in eventuality,

Mike Vardy