Since then, I’ve avoided reading Exodus, Leviticus, and such books because I felt like I couldn’t get anything out of it. I didn’t feel like God was speaking to me. Even with a devotional to help me get through the chapters, everything still seemed dry and dead. I could only hear the voices of the author of the devotional, not God’s.

But this past weekend at the San Jose Bread of Life Conference, it was as if God opened my spiritual ears and eyes. I’ve been in the dry season before that, and that weekend, I told God I was going to turn over my life to Him in total submission. And from that moment on, things changed drastically. I no longer had to rely on the devotions to help me get through Exodus. Every day I read a chapter, and the words just seem to come alive for me, I felt God revealing Himself through these “ho-hum instruction manuals” and I got more out of it than I ever did with the devotions!

When I committed myself to God, it wasn’t out of a spiritual high or a feeling, but out of the realization that I needed to make a choice if I wanted to get out of this dry season. For the first time in my life, I felt like I made a choice like a true adult: one not based on my emotions or what I want, but based on what I should do. I made a choice to leave everything behind and seek Him, and like He promised, I found Him.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
Matthew 7:7

God is like our personal GPS, no matter where we go in life, we will always have Him to guide us. We might get lost occassionally, but God will always know the best way to bring us back on track. All we need to do is listen. Even if we don’t listen, and we keep screwing up, God will always find a way, and He will bring us Home.

I found that very true and very inspirational. It was definitely a new perspective of looking at how God works in our lives.

I can’t speak for the rest of the people, because they’re not Christian, but even I seem to have forgotten:

It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.
Deuteronomy 32:35

Instead, I took it into my own hands, and used God’s blessing to me as a tool of revenge. Sure, I didn’t flaunt it right in front of him, but while he was down and upset, I was laughing and celebrating with my friends, calling it “karma kicking him in the ass”. I wanted full revenge, with interest, to the point where I wanted to see him utterly miserable. From my outward actions, one might have thought I was being merciful and compassionate, but God looks at the heart, and what He saw did not please Him.

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?
Matthew 5:44-46

God punishes those He loves, and I learned my lesson soon after. God gave me a taste of what I had put my ex through, and more, not to hurt me, but to help me grow. Of course there was plenty of complaining and judging involved. I couldn’t understand why someone like my ex, for all the things he has done, not only did he not get his ass kicked by karma, but is now the one rubbing it in my face?

This all made me bitter until I read Exodus 22. Throughout the chapter, God is constantly referred to as “the judge”. Rightfully so, because only God who is without sin can judge us, who are with sin. What sense does it make to have the guilty judge one another? Moreover, we judge based on what we see and feel, without never understanding the entire picture. Yet God sees all that, and more. He sees our hearts. He sees us when we’re alone in our rooms at night. He sees what others can’t, and He is as compassionate as He is just.

Further on in the chapter, verses 22 to 27, God defends the needy and oppressed. He hears those who cry out to Him, because He is compassionate. The needy and poor extend beyond the widows, the orphans, and those with financial problems. I always felt that the truly poor are those who are poor in love. When I think about this, I’m reminded of how blessed I am to have grown up being surrounded with love. Love from my family, love from my friends, and love from God. My ex, on the other hand, wasn’t so blessed. Yet I felt the need to push him to the edge, just to get even for the things he’s done to me. No wonder God punished me instead.

So now, despite all that’s going on and everything hurtful he’s doing, I feel like I can let go and forgive. I let go because I know that God is just and He will deal out a fair judgement in due time, to both him and I. I forgive because God has told me to have compassion on those who aren’t as blessed as I am.  It’s hard, but it’s a lesson I will need to learn, either now, or with more pain later.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Our pastor was giving a message on the hypothesis of prayer, which at first I thought would’ve been absolutely dry and boring, but it turned out to be quite a revelation for me. He compared the prayer of true believer to those of the rest, and pointed out the characteristics that our prayers should have.

He pointed out that most people, even Christians, when they pray, they tend to be repetitive, as if saying it multiple times will increase the chances of God answering them. But our God is an all-powerful and all-knowing God. Even if you don’t tell Him, He still understands your needs and will provide for you.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Matthew 6:26

This brought my pastor to his second point. When we pray to God, are our prayers filled with requests for our daily needs? “Dear Lord, please help me do well in school.” or “Dear Lord, please help my family to come and know you as their savior.” or “Dear Lord, please heal my grandmother’s sickness.” These are some common prayers that I’m sure we’ve all prayed at some point in our life. We pray for them daily until God answers them. There is nothing wrong with coming before the Heavennly Father with your troubles, but like the verse in Matthew 6:26, do you not have faith that your Father has already prepared everything you need and more for you? Have you forgotten that His name is Jehova Jireh, meaning “God will provide”?

So in this case, do we stop praying about our needs completely? No, of course not. Instead, because you have faith that God will provide and meet your needs, why not offer a prayer of thanksgiving? “Thank you God for your promise that by your wounds we are healed, hence I believe that my grandmother will recieve total healing because of what you did on the cross. Thank you.” or “Thank you Lord for your promise that fearing you is the beginning of all knowledge. Because of your promise, I know that I will be able to do well as long as I fear you.”

The bible is filled with God’s promises to us, and the more you read, the more you discover that for every need you have, God has a promise. A promise that He will meet those needs, provide for us, and help us through our difficult times. God is a faithful God, and all we need to do is have faith in Him. When we believe that He has already prepared for us what we need, we no longer need to ask for it. All we need to do is give thanks.

Now I know that the Lord is greater than all other gods, for He did this to those who had treated Israel arrogantly.
Exodus 18:11

There’s this really annoying girl who lives next door. Not only is she loud, she’s also extremely rude and inconsiderate. She’d play her music loudly, ignorant of the time and people around her. She’d also have friends over late at night and they’d all talk in loud voices, even when it’s 2am on a school night. The worst was hearing her moaning and groaning during sex at 4am, while trying to study for my biology final exam. When confronted, she simply denies everything and tells you that you’re hearing things.

With my temper and personality, I’d get back at her. I’d make her sorry that she lived next to me, or even lived at all. But at the same time, I know that’s not the right thing to do. The bible teaches us to love our enemies, for if we only love those who love us, how are we different from anyone else? Moreover, God is a just God, and He promises to avenge us. Did God not punish the Egyptians for mistreating His chosen people? Likewise, would God not punish those who have hurt, us, His children?

All we have to do is trust in God. He sees our pain, He sees our hurt, and in His own timing and way, He will deal out His punishments. Let us fight not with words or fists, but with prayer, and leave everything else to our Heavenly Father. For when He is with us, who can be against us?

Yet the truth is, no matter what I do, I cannot change him, and he cannot change me. We have such different values and lifestyles that it would be impossible to stay together unless one of us compromises. However, I can’t compromise my promise to God for him, or anyone else for that matter.

As much as I love him and hate to end things, because I know it’ll hurt so much, I really don’t know what to do. If I continue to keep things the way it is, I’m just going to sink in deeper and deeper, until one day, it will kill me. The stress from this relationship is already eating away at me bit by bit, and it’s only time before I completely crack and falter under pressure.

Yet I know that God will not give me anything more than I can handle. So with His strength and grace, I believe that one day I will move on. Regardless of what happens in the future, one thing I’m certain of is that if I never let go of God, He will carry me through.

Away from me, you evildoers, that I may keep the commands of my God!
Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.
Uphold me, and I will be delivered; I will always have regard for your decrees.
Psalm 119:115-117

Let’s talk about blogging first. What is the most fundamental key to building up your readership and backlinks? It’s by writing quality entries consistently and interacting with your readers. Sure, there are many other methods to help you achieve the goal, like seo, link exchanges, having a nice layout, etc, but without the fundamental basics, no matter what else you do, you can only get so far before your readership and hits start dwindling again. All those other steps are supportive measures you can take to help you reach the goal faster, but them alone will not turn your site into a celebrity blog.

Relate that to your spiritual growth. There are two basic things you must do in order to grow as a Christian, and you’ve probably heard it a million times: read your bible and pray. Not just flipping to a random page and reading a random verse or saying your graces before meals, but actually taking time out each day to spend reading God’s words, medidating on them, talking to Him, and just spending time in His presence. Then there are the retreats, the conferences, the Christian books, the sermons; all these are great opportunities and tools that can help you in your spiritual growth, but without the fundamentals, those alone will only keep the firing burning for so long. You can’t depend the spiritual high you get from retreats to keep you going, it just doesn’t work that way.

My problem with both? I reverse the steps. I rely on the tools to boost my enthusiasm, then I go back to the basics, only to lose interest in a couple weeks. With blogging, I get excited everytime I upload a new design, then I tryout all these crazy methods to bring in hits, visitors, and now cash, AND THEN I start posting. With my spiritual walk, I’d get the high from a retreat or conference, then be all on fire for God and buy all these great Christian books, AND THEN I start doing my quiet time and praying. Needless to say, the end result is always me losing my enthusiasm and fire and having to start this yo-yo process all over again.

If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man’s work.
- 1 Corinthians 3:12-13

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I prayed to God about it, hesistant that He’d answer my prayer for something like this, but I really had no choice. I prayed and asked Him to make a way for me, but if this fashion show wasn’t meant to be, then as much as I’d regret it, I’ll give it up.

I talked to my agent this morning about my dilemma, and she offered to drive me over if I could meet her at a metro station, and she even offered to drop me back at my place when it was over, but I didn’t want to trouble her so I told her I could take the metro home. I never thought this would be possible. As a matter of fact, I was expecting her to be angry and replacing me asap with another model. But God did make a way for me in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

So never think that your problems are too small or aren’t worthy enough for God. He already knows them anyways, so just cast them onto Him, and let God take care of the rest.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
- Matthew 6:26

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