Stop Addiction; The Pain Agent Cycle.

This cycle describes what happens inside someone who has an addiction.

First a ‘pain agent’ is triggered; it could be any kind of ‘emotional discomfort’ (i.e. pain, fear, rejection, shame, anger, etc.), it could be ‘unresolved conflict’ (inner or outer), it could be stress, or it could be the need to re-connect with your self or another.

If the person doesn’t take care of the pain agent in a healthy way, they may then move into the second stage of this cycle – ‘disassociation’. In this stage, you begin to disassociate or move away from your self and your feelings; a separation begins to take place between your mind and your emotional self.

If a person does nothing to help himself re-connect with them selves at this stage, they may move into the third stage which we call the altered state.
In this stage you become very disconnected from yourself and your emotions, so that ‘acting out’ makes perfect sense (usually there is a lot of thinking about how good it will be and an absence of any awareness of any negative consequences). Reality becomes blocked out.

From this altered state stage, a person generally moves on to the ‘pursuing behaviour’ stage. In this stage, one begins to take action towards the acting out; Moving towards getting your needs met; perhaps by making a phone call…, or by getting in a car and taking off…, etc.

The next stage is the behaviour itself – whatever it is for each particular person.
Then the final stage of the cycle is time, which simply represents the amount of time until the whole cycle begins again. This is different for each person; it could be several hours, a day or a week.

What is particularly important about this cycle is that it shows;

How in stage 1 the pain agents are what trigger the complete addictive cycle.
What a person needs to do therefore is to work on the emotional discomforts  right at stage 1. One needs to learn how to deal with these pain agents in healthy ways, because if you do not you may begin to move deeper into the cycle. Changing our perception, altering our feelings which then influences a different behaviour pattern.

It is also possible to work in the 2nd stage by learning to recognize when you are disassociating from your self, and then learning how to reconnect with your self and your feelings.

If you can do this, you can stop the cycle from continuing. However, if a person has done nothing (or has not been able) to deal with one or more of the pain agents, or has not been able to reconnect with their feelings from the 2nd stage, they will most likely move into the 3rd stage – the altered state stage.

In the 3rd stage it’s usually too late to get out of the cycle; in other words, once you get into the altered state stage, you are most likely going to ‘act out’.

This is why it’s so important to work in the 1st or 2nd stage. This is why it is so important to work with any difficult feelings coming up, or in dealing with stress in healthy ways, or in recognizing that one has a need to connect with another and taking action to get this need met. In addition, one can learn when one is disassociated or cut off from himself and learn healthy ways to deal with it.

A lot of people end up getting down on them selves for not being able to get out of the altered state stage. This is the stage usually where you’re thinking about fulfilling your needs really is powerful and difficult to stop the urges.

The truth is that for many people, once you’ve gotten to this stage it’s very hard to derail the cycle – it will usually happen, particularly for early recovery people. It helps to know this and normalise that relapse is part of the process, (especially if you are early in recovery)
So most importantly you will learn to work on the stage 1 which most commonly triggers the whole acting out cycle.

The main benefit of this cycle is that it clarifies how the pain agents begin the cycle, and that the most effective way to work on an addiction is at stage 1.
When working at stage 1, you need to first learn what issues you have that are triggering the cycle, which will be one or more of the 4 pain agents
(Childhood trauma is included here as it can cause any of the 4). Then you need to begin to understand what these issues are all about, and then to begin both resolving them and learning how to deal with them when they come up.

Was this helpful?

Dawn Pugh therapy expert.

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People Who Love too Much

Someone  who loves too much is used to negative traits and behaviours, and they will be more comfortable with these than their “opposites” unless they work very hard to change that fact for themselves.

Does the opposite of pain and rejections equate to comfort and commitment?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” And, so, the pattern is set during childhood and they try and try again, forever repeating the same process.

In the absence of excitement, People Who Love too Much feel irritable, and awkward……

They court a distorted perception of excitement. They often perceive disappointment, anxiety and un-certainty as a means to a committed chase to ever-lasting and and loving relationship.

Most of their sexual interactions with others are motivated by “How can I get them to love (or need) me more?

Sex is one of the tools they use for manipulating or changing their partners.

It is difficult to believe that these people are enchanted by the dream of love and commitment;  They ignore the lack of all the positive attributes–the love, caring, attention, integrity, and nobility–and live in hope that these are in fact lying dormant in their chosen lover, waiting to blossom in the warmth of their love.

Someone who loves too much often tell themselves that the person with whom they are involved with has never really been loved before, not by their parents nor by their previous partners. They are unsure of real love and believe that their love will change all of this and conquer all.

They see them as damaged, and readily take on the task of making up for all that was missing in their life long before they ever met them……They want to be the one to break the spell, to free this person from what they see as imprisonment.

Taking their emotional unavailability, anger, depression or cruelty, their indifference, violence or dishonesty and addiction, as signs that they have not been loved enough…..Determined to save them.

Sex is one of the primary ways they try to love them better.

Always seeking love and affection from partners who are unavailable. Certain types of people who pursue partners who will never make them feel happy. The reason for this unhappiness is that they are forever pursuing love from someone who cannot or will not gratify their needs and wants for love, safety and security.

A major self fulfilling prophecy.

All the evidence points to the fact that these people repeat the pattern and seemingly learn nothing from their previous unhappy experiences.

Basically, what this points to, is the fact that these people are seeking the love that eluded them when they were children.

They get so preoccupied with these pursuits that  it is seemed as though they are often absent without leave. AWOL

Rejecting people that are available, interested and capable because this does not ‘fit’ with their world and does not support the pattern of their past experiences.

Defense mechanisms:

More often than not ‘Obsessional thinking’ is viewed as a defense mechanism that the patient is unwittingly using to hide something else.

In other words; “if I think about this all day then I need not think about something deeper and more troubling.”

So, what is being hidden by the obsessional thoughts?

Cost and benefit?

The deeper issue is often a wish to evade real intimacy out of the fear that they could reveal vile things about themselves, maybe a deep feeling of not being lovable.

Another possibility is that the obsessional thinking can hide a fear of being controlled and dominated by an authoritative person, who may represent the controlling and rejecting parent of childhood.

Other possibilities are that obsessions hide deep seated depression, anxiety, believing that life is meaningless; the list can go on.

The first step is to accept that they need to change…Then they need to break this repeated pattern of relating to others in this destructive manner.

This change will not happen over-night, it will take time but is not impossible.

Dawn Pugh Therapy expert.

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This is the time of year when students receive their A Level and GCSE exam results across the whole of the UK and as you can appreciate a very anxious time for students, parents and guardians

Anticipation as to whether the results that are required are achieved and further education into 6th form or university can be accomplished.

Qualifications seem to open the door of the future and failure seems to close doors in its face – although this may not always be the case.

Students are encouraged to work hard, revise and achieve good grades and success will naturally follow.

Often however the results depict a lack of revision and study and poor results are given.

In many aspects of our lives we are under assessments…

Most employers have an appraisal process which can show performance and effectiveness.

Criticism can be difficult to handle in most circumstances – how it is delivered and received is paramount.

Constructive criticism is a healthier approach and can help identify areas that need improvement and to better our performances.

We are lead to believe that at the end of our lives, we appear before ‘God’ and we are judged, based on our endeavour to abide by the law of ‘your own’ God.

(Of course everyone has their own ‘God’ and their own belief)

None of us have kept ‘our’ Gods law…We have all sinned in some shape way or form.

But we all need someone on our side, someone who can advocate and be our saviour…

So why not let that someone be YOU…

When judgement day prevails lets not praise or condemn what ‘your own’ God has done or not done but instead what YOU have done for YOURSELVES.

Source: Rev. P Milson. Thank you

“I think we call this ‘Taking responsibility’ for ourselves”.

What are your views?

Dawn Pugh Therapy expert.

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Talking to my Dad (or Mum) makes me very happy so according to new research by a British Household Panel survey children who regularly hold conversations with their fathers tend to be happier than those who do not.

The charity suggested that happiness in later life was dependant on the impact of the relationship with their fathers and mothers at those crucial teenage years.

‘Until adolescence, the mother-daughter relationship is one of general warmth and closeness. Sure, there are the occasional blow-ups, but most resolve themselves with heartfelt apologies from both sides, and lots of hugs. In the younger years, daughters freely profess their love and admiration of their mothers. When I grow up I want to be like you, Mummy.

But during adolescence, when the teenage daughter is faced with the task of differentiating herself, the mother-daughter relationship becomes one of alternating intimacy and hate, both marked with an intensity that only teenagers can bring to a relationship and bring out of their parents.

Teenage sons (when they are with their mums) sometimes let down their guard. For many teenagers, searching for identity initially includes buying into the gender stereotypes, especially for boys. As a result, in front of peers they play the male role, staying tough and in charge on the outside, but away from peers, especially when with their mums, they drop their guard.

Fathers and sons intuitively understand the need for independence and identity through a respect of the basic rights of individuals. For sons, this respect is created through accomplishment in a chosen area: academics, social, sports, drama, church. And fathers allow them the space for this and offer their support, too. But seldom is this support addressed directly. The quintessential father-son relationship is played out side by side, engaged in activity.

A great deal about the father-son relationship is implicit, especially during adolescence. The danger here, though, is that boys miss out on their dads just when they need them, when they struggle with what it is to be male. That is, out of respect for independence, fathers can erroneously give their sons too much room.

In all parent-child relationships, the level of engagement and trust, at least as reported by children and teenagers, diminishes by about the same amount across the board when children become teenagers, except, that is, for fathers and daughters. This relationship experiences a greater drop in closeness than all the others.

Stop and consider the players involved and this only makes sense. Fathers are most at home with the dynamics of independence, autonomy, and justice, which means these are the filters through which they interpret most behavior. Thus, when their teenage daughters push them away—as they need to do to assert their autonomy—they take this literally and personally, which leads them to back off. Fathers, through their orientation towards accomplishment and independence, believe they are giving their daughters the space that they are demanding. Their daughters, however, feel that their fathers abandon them when they need them most.’

Source: FamilyEducation.com

Let me know if this was useful?

Dawn Pugh therapy expert.

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The Psychosexual Counsellors offer a confidential service for anyone with sexual problems irrespective of martial status, sexual orientation and difficulties experienced.

Psychosexual therapy addresses aspects of sexual dysfunction in both men and women relating to sexual interest, arousal, orgasm, performance and ‘psychological’ attitudes to sex.

A common misconception is that Psychosexual Therapy is mainly about the act of sex or the lack of sexual interest or ability. Let me convey that Psychosexual counselling is offered for a range of disorders such as: general sexual problems, sexual health concerns, sexual phobias and sexual orientation difficulties.

This kind of therapy is also beneficial to those who have difficulty maintaining or forming intimate relationships either because they struggle with certain aspects; love, trust, communication, co-dependency, others include rape victims, survivors of childhood sexual abuse,  pre and post abortions.

A commonly held belief is that “people just got on with it” and somehow managed quite well without any help for their sexual difficulty. This assumption is far from true.

Sexual problems left untreated, like any other disorder, have far reaching consequences. The social costs in marital breakdown, infertility and offending behaviour is well known. These factors in turn escalate health costs and human suffering from the resultant mental health problems such as low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, insomnia etc.

If the patient’s source problem is one of sexual difficulty then these complications will continue to persist. It is therefore the source problem that requires treatment. People’s shyness in revealing sexual difficulties could lead to the belief that sexual disorder is transitory and uncommon.

Let me know if this was helpful?

Linda Cooper.

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A recent American Study showed that 14% of men and 11 % of women have at least some experience of sadomasochism and revealed there is a much higher rate involving  – Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism – BDSM.

The majority of people experience a confident and healthy sexuality and often kinkiness is seen as a ‘fun’ part of sexual behaviours. Reportedly and within reason their is no right or wrong when taking part in consensual sexual activities between adults, the bench mark is either ‘do’s’ or ‘don’ts’.

Did you know that sexual sadism or sexual masochism is deemed as deviant and pathological in diagnosis and is currently listed in the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) – Classified in the section along side homosexuality, rape and child abuse – stating that it is indeed, in need of explanation, treatment and cure.

Recently in the UK a 44 yr old city banker – who was known to be suffering with depression due to the loss of his job as an assistant vice president with a well known Deutsche Bank.

He involved 2 young prostitutes in his ’successful’ suicide which took place on Dartford Heath – The 2 unwitting female escorts were both paid £60 and were asked to humiliate him as he initiated a fabricated execution of himself -  hanging from a tree with a noose around his neck…They complied with his requests…left him for a short while and he later jumped.

He left a wife and 2 teenage sons who were said to be ‘devastated’.

This is such a tragedy and who knows but maybe one that could’ve been prevented…Removing the stigma, guilt and shame, promoting acceptance, displaying an ability, in trying to understand their desires. Relaying information about safe sex procedures and generally working with these clients as you would with others – They are often professional people with high status profiles, well respected within society and are generally nice people, people with issues just like any body else – depression, anxiety, stress and relationship difficulties etc…

The main attribute a therapist can offer these kinky clients is a non-judgemental attitude – to not be embarrassed or offended at the explicit details given by the kinky client – A good well grounded therapist could very well help to prevent deaths by suicide or sex act accidents.

A major key to working ethically with the kinky client is of course an understanding of the meanings and the power exchanges that liberate, excite and instigate these acts.

“My respect and sympathy go out to the family and friends and all those that loved and knew this man. RIP”.

Let me know what you’re thinking…

Dawn Pugh Therapy expert.

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According to Theasaurus.com  – ‘To pay homage’  means to pay tribute, proclaim, rave over, recommend, resound, sing the praises, worship etc…

A shrine is a building or a place that is dedicated to one particular type of devotion that is limited to commemorating an event or a person. What makes it a shrine is its limited purpose and use. …

Source: www.kencollins.com

A recent Northumbrian Police manhunt was a major police operation in North East England in which several armed police officers attempted to apprehend a 37-year-old man from Newcastle upon Tyne who had been recently been released from Prison.

This guy was armed and believed to be very dangerous, he had previously shot 3 people, 2 days after his release: his ex-girlfriend who was seriously injured, her new partner who died instantly, and a police officer who was permanently blinded.

After 6 days on the run the 37-year-old shot himself after being cornered close to a river in Rothbury, Northumberland. He was later pronounced dead at a local hospital.

The killer’s family, were allegedly believed to have visited Rothbury on Tuesday and scattered his ashes in the River Coquet, instigating a kind of ’shrine’ to mark the place where he shot himself after a six-hour stand off with armed police.  An urn and a photo of the killer cuddling a dog were left at the exact spot on Riverside.

The family denies this act.

Warning! this shrine may become a focus of a cult image.

What are your views?

Read more…

Dawn Pugh Therapy expert.

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The ‘heart’ of giving something back;

Philanthropy Vs Pleasure

Martin Seligman divided up his psychology students so that one group engaged in pleasurable activities like going to the movies, eating yummy ice cream and the other group did philanthropic activities volunteering at a soup kitchen, reading to the blind.

Apparently the happiness that was felt during and after the fun or pleasurable activities was nothing compared to the lasting happiness of doing altruistic or philanthropic acts.

My conclusion is that doing good for others will make you feel good and, according to Seligman, you will reach the highest level of feel-good ratio.

Altruism raises your mood because it raises your self- esteem, which increases happiness. Plus giving to others gets you outside of yourself and distracts you from your own problems.

Martin Seligman says there are 3 paths to happiness:

1. the pleasant life
2. the good life
3. the meaningful life

“The pleasant life” is basic moment-to-moment contentment–doing simple things like downing martinis or playing computer games. But eventually, you’ll get bored and want more.

“The good life” comes through “engagement”: spending time with friends and family or getting involved with a rewarding work project. This is a step-up on the happiness food chain.

But the biggest feelings of happiness come from leading “a meaningful life”– using personal strengths to serve some larger end.

Since 2000 Dr. Seligman main mission has been the promotion of the field of Positive Psychology. This discipline includes the study of positive emotion, positive character traits, and positive institutions. As the science behind these becomes more firmly grounded, Dr. Seligman is now turning his attention to training Positive Psychologists, individuals whose practice will make the world a ‘happier place’, in a way that parallels clinical psychologists having made the world a less ‘unhappy place’.

Meet Dr. Martin Seligman.

Let me know what you’re thinking…

Dawn Pugh expert therapist

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‘Unemployment’ and the ‘New Depression’

Unemployment occurs when a person is able and willing to work but currently without work. The prevalence of unemployment is usually measured using the unemployment rate, which is defined as the percentage of those in the labor force who are unemployed.

Source:  Wikipedia

Click here to see Unemployment statistics.

The causes of unemployment are often disputed.

There is also disagreement on how exactly to measure unemployment. Different countries experience different levels of unemployment; traditionally, the United States tends to experience lower unemployment levels than countries in the European Union, although there is some variation there, with countries like the UK and Denmark out-performing Italy and France and it also changes over time (e.g. the Great Depression) throughout economic cycles.

Consequences of Unemployment;

Unemployment has obvious and well-documented links to economic and mental health depression and has also been connected in some discussion to higher crime rates especially among the young. Suicide and homicide broaden the consequences of unemployment, relating it to increases in the incidences of alcoholism, child abuse, family breakdown, psychiatric hospitalization, and a variety of physical complaints and illnesses.

Here are a number of potential solutions to the unemployment problem; work sharing, early retirement, and reduced migration have all been discussed.

Dawn Pugh therapy expert.

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Apparently antidepressant medication is on the increase due to the economic recession.

According to the recent research found in the New York times, doctors and psychiatrists are prescribing more antidepressant medication than they did in 2008 -

This increase is thought to be partly due to a reduced stigma in relation to mental health and increased anxiety and worry around employment and finances.

Some say that this is a ticking time bomb, people are prescribed medication because there is little or no support and the facility to access talking therapies like counselling, psychotherapy or Cognitive therapy are few and far between.

What are your views on this?

We are listening and we are interested…

Dawn Pugh Therapy expert.

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