Everything Hurts

Regrets

2012-11-30T18:11:00.001-08:00

Soo... Im grounded until im 18... for doing something I shouldn't have done...

no.. Im not going to tell you ... but what I can tell you is that its something you will never forget doing if you happen to do what I did. It can follow you around for a long time... and haunt you... sending messages that your not supposed to is rewarding to your self confidence but once it gets out its hard to contain...

well long story short ... my parents found my messages and Im now in prison.... not literally... but Im in my own personal prison... prison of the mind...

regrets....

R.I.P Misty Nicole

2012-08-25T08:09:00.003-07:00

Today is the 16 year anniversary of your death. Everyone in our family still thinks about you all the time, and its really hard for everyone on days that were important to you. Everyone says I should be honored to be named after you. But I know im not good enough to carry on your name. I am half the person you were. I know I never met you, but from what I have heard from you, I know you were a very fun person with a great life ahead of them. Im so sorry Tim killed you, and I wish I could have met my only Aunt. Im sorry im not good enough to carry on what legend you would have become. We love you and we miss you so much. Rest in Peace.

Alone

2012-08-16T19:15:00.001-07:00

There was one person in my life that could make me feel alive again. Even if it was only while I was with him, it was better than never feeling alive. After a month of knowing him, I fell in Love and We started dating. I trusted him, I told him everything, I truly thought He was always going to be there for me. He always told me he loved me, and that I was beautiful, and smart, and that he would never hurt me. I should have known it wouldn't last forever, but he made me feel important and like I really did have a place in this world.

He moved away a little over 2 months ago but we kept up a long distance relationship. It was going good, but when he started school on August 8th, we started talking less and less. It got to where we didnt talk for 2 weeks, and last night was the first time we talked. I had been worried about him for about a day before that though because of something my friend told me. She told me that he said he didnt like himself and thought there was a lot of things wrong with him, but everytime I ask him if hes ok he said nothing. So I asked him again .. and he cussed me out and said ""OMFG GET OVER IT IM SORRY I DONT GO OFF AND FLAUNT ALL THE FUCKING THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH ME, GET HE FUCK OVER YOURSELF, IF I DONT WANT TO DO SOMETHING I WONT DO IT......I WILL TALK TO YOU AGAIN WHEN IM NOT FUCKING PISSED" and then he deleted and blocked me on facebook. I was only trying to understand. I dont know what happened.. maybe he found another girl way prettier or skinnier than me to love instead? ... Maybe he never loved me, but was with me to try and get into my pants? I trustted him, and I loved him, and he hurt me. Then a few hours later my friend messaged me and told me he posted "if your family, delete misty, dont ask why just do it, thanks" on his wall.. why would he do this? he knew how important he was to me.. I told him I loved him on facebook everyday, morning and night.. even when we weren't talking.. everytime we had a fight I gave in and asked for forgivness, and told him I loved him, I gave him things all the time, I did everything I could to make him feel loved, I tried not to smother him the best I could...

He was the only thing keeping me happy, and now he is gone. Im empty again. Im so cold on the inside, and I feel like there's something missing. I feel actual pain in my chest , and in the pit of my stomach I can feel it clenching, every time I think about him, or see a picture or hear more gossip about him talking about me, and posting bad things about me on facebook. Im trying to hold back the tears, and the urge to just give up on myself, and my life. My wall is being torn down post by post, memorie by memorie.. The sweet memories of holding his hand while walking home from the bus, or cuddling on my bed watching iron chef, or him playing with my hair, or when we had our water hose fight, when he came to visit and we went to dothan with his siter. So many memories, that I hold on to, making it so much harder on me to resist the urge to give up.

I know hes probably reading this right now too, and thinking " get over me, I dont care, I dont love you" so I dont care either, I want him to see this, so he can know how much he hurt me. Today while I was at home alone, I was sitting in the kitchen thinking about slitting my throat. Or over dosing on pills.Or just plain running away, and starting my own life. Ive had that thought many times, and I always end up stopping myself for my family, or for him ... but If I was dead, who would really miss me? I just want to feel normal and ok again life when I was little with no worries in the world.

I just want to love and be loved.... <|3 Today was a bad day... But I will be fine .... Im always fine, Im never gonna be happy, but im used to it, so ... I will be fine...

Home Sweet Home

2012-08-15T18:25:00.001-07:00

Im always happy untill I go home. When im not home, I have things to distract me from how broken I am, but as soon as I go home, I get back into opression. My depressed state .. I have nothing left, at home. Home is just somewhere to sleep. I need to get out. He just pretends to be my dad. Im so done, im not even gonna waste time to explain it to you. :/

Love Meter Empty

2012-08-13T22:34:00.002-07:00

I recently read a book about phycology and love by Garry Chapman, called The 5 Love Languages. The man is very brilliant when it comes to making people understand how to love and make others feel loved baced on who they are. He belives there are 5 love languages, and that if you speak the language of your spouses (or anyones) love language that they will feel loved and their love meter will fill up. The five love languages are :
.Words of Afirmation
.Quality Time
.Gifts
.Acts of Service and
.Physical Touch

Here is a break down on how these love languages work:
.Words of Afirmation- Needing people to confirm that you are loved and needed. By telling you through words.
.Quality time- Needing people to show intrest in you, by spending time with you, with NO distractions. Like tv, radio, cell phones, ect.. to feel loved. (This is my love language)
.Gifts- Needing people to give you things regularly. Doesnt have to be bought, can be made or found.
.Acts of service- Needing people to do things for you, like clean house or watch the baby etc.. to feel loved
.Physical touch- Needing people to touch you to feel loved, Does not have to be with sexual intercourse, things like hugging, or putting your hand on someones shoulder, or putting your arm around them. It is rare for a person to have physical touch as their love language.

Love meters:
Your love meter is a gauge of how loved you feel by a certain person or in general. If people arent speakin your love language or are choosing not to, you will slowly drain and be empty, and stop feeling love towards that person, or people.

As I stated above, my Love language is Quality time. And my love meter is currently at 0%. No one has time for me, and I can see that its because people choose not to. My dad, chooses to not talk to me and even acnowledge im alive, and my mom doesnt have time to acnowledge me because she has to take care of my one year old sister. Im hundreds of miles away from my other family, and we never see each other anymore, as well as my friends. I Select the people in my life very carefully, because ive been hurt so many times.I recently moved again, and the few people I had and could trust are now also far away from me and we barely talk now. My boyfriend is irregulary bussy too, right now, and ive been alone for too long. My love meter that was being filled again, which was making me feel better is now back to 0%. Which is bringing back feelins that I have already stated about myself in other posts, and my self inprovement has been put in reverse, once again.

I try so hard to not feel alone, and so many people try to help me. But when I get into this mode of self hatred its so hard to get back out. My mind is screaming forget about it and live your life and be happy, but my heart is screaming just give up and be miserable, your never going to be happy. And My life has always been in favor of my heart, so naturaly its made my mind start believing my heart again.

Help ... I need help... I cant be happy again by myself....

Friends, Cutting and Suicide

2012-08-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

I made one of my best friends in the fourth grade, when I moved bc my mom got married to a Ranger. She had just moved to America from Austrailia a month before I had moved from Atlanta. Ive known her for 5 years , and were more like sisters now. About a year and a half ago we had an incident, and my parents dont allow me to see her anymore, but we have kept in contact. Calling , texting , facetime, oovoo, facebook, email - you name it, we have it just so we can talk/see eachother. We made plans about going to college together and living next door to eachother, making our kids middle names eachothers names. We are inseperable, until the incident. Quite simply my parents just stopped liking her and I wasnt allowed to see her at all , ever again. So I began hanging out with my other friend all the time and we became inseperable. I now have both of them as my sisters, and they dont like eachother ! haha but anyways , About 5 months ago, I moved again. This time , I met a boy. Ive ever met anyone so amazing in my life.. and im so lucky to call him my boyfriend, but falling in love with him almost cost me my best friend.

Over the five years Ive known my best friend, Ive seen so many things happen to her, that she doesnt deserve. From her family losing all their money, to abuse, her mom cheating on her dad, to her parents getting a divorce, to having the cops called on her by her own mom for doing absolutly nothing, to almost losing her house and being homless, not having electricity, or soap to clean her clothes, no hot water , the list goes on.... though she always seemed happy, She alwasy could find the good in life, or make fun of herself, and joke around. She always saw the good in the bad, but when I moved away and met my boyfriend I started blowing her and all of my other friends off, and I guess I never truly understood how much I was to her, bc she recently cut herself and then tried to commit suicide. If I would have been there for her, none of this would have ever happened. She always said, if she didn't have me, she would be nothing bc I was the only person she could talk to who fully understood her. Im so glad someone caught her trying to tie that cord around her neck. Im so sorry I ignored her, and I will never do that again. I never thought she would do anything like that to herself. When she showed me her wrists... it made me realize how selfish I am. I know I didn't orce her to do that to herself, but if I would have been there for her when she asked me to be , this probably woulnt have happened.. from now on im going to balance my boyfriend and my friends equaly, bc losing either one would just be extremly to much for me to handle. lol ..

P.s. - Buddy , If you reading this .. Im sorry .. Please dont ever do that again. I love you so much !

The Sting of Death

2012-08-02T20:53:00.001-07:00

My grandmother once told me that in the Bible God said everyone and their life was planned before they were born and that the only way to exit this world is to experiance the sting of death.
Before I was born, My aunt Misty was killed in a car accident. I was named after her, three years later when I was born, and my grandmother took me over as her own child. Ever since my grandmother told me that, about 7 years ago , I felt guilty about My aunts death. My reasoning - because God had planned both our lives,long before we were born ,so she had to die for me to be born, so that I could be named after her. I dont know why my brain believes this way, but it does, and it always has. That is why I am extremly loyal to my grandmother.She was extremly hurt, and changed after her daughter died, and I feel guilty for it. She has done everything she can for me, and always makes sure im happy and I feel that im the reason for her unhappiness. I try to be good for her, and do things to help her as much as I can, but I will never be able to fix the wrong Ive done to her Inadvertly.
Now, 16-13 years later, im doing it to her again.
Her mother, is sick with lung cancer, and the doctor told her she has about 3 months left. I recently got her sick by accident, and that is extremly dangerous for her bc of her cancer, and can make her time dwindle even faster. So now I am guilty for this too.
Why am I always making people feel the sting of death? Is this the way god planned my life? OR IS IT ME?

Feelings

2012-08-02T19:06:00.002-07:00

Life has been hard for me to cope with since the beggining .. And I have been trying to make myself better for a long time. Nothing has worked, nothing. So Im now going to try telling the world the truth. I have trust issues and I always have but I thinking that telling the world and anyone who wants to know the truth is a step towards opening up and letting myself be free.So that I can truly fix myself.
Have you ever had that feeling that you know your family wont miss you when you leave the nest? Or the feeling where your all alone and you think no one cares?Or the feeling where you know your the most messed up person on the earth? I have those feelings all of the time. July 27th, 2011 my mother had a baby girl, which was my first sibling from her. I was 12 at the time. I am now almost 14 and going to college in 4 and a half years. Ever since my mom got married and had a kid we haven't been close. We never really were close to begin with and now its like were just two people who know eachother and live under the same roof. My step dad... well hes never wanted me, and he makes it obvious. Since I was old enough to understand my grandmother has been encouraging me to get straight A's and helping me plan my future in college and my carrer. I am very excited to be on my own, and to get out of my oppressing home, where everyone looks down on me and treats me like a fool, but Im also hurt. I am hurt bc I want my family to love me as much as I love them, but they just dont. They care more about what they're going to do with their one year old, and how great their lives are going to be when there "bad child" (me) is out of the house. They already plan for their new lives without me, In front of me, and it makes me feel like the most unwanted person in the world. Ive always felt unwanted, Ive always been unwanted. My biological father left me when I was 3, and my mom was never home. Between moving around every three years and being treated like im nothing, and ignored Ive had 4 people who have really made me feel like I actually have a place in this world. My best friend zarah, by grandparents who have alwasy been there for me and have suported me for my entire life, and my wonderful boyfriend Paul. They are the reason im still breathing, and I thank them for that deeply.Ive felt messed up for a long time, but it all went down hill after one event in my life. I remember it like it was yesterday. In sixth grade one day I came to school cryin bc of things going on at home and the councelor called me to her office and asked me what as wrong. I told her everything, and she called child services on my family.Which caused more tension in the house. My step dad and I didn't talk for a whole month after that, but not talking for long periods of time is normal between us. Anyways a week after Mrs.Clark (councelor) called DFAX on my family a child service worker came to my school and requested that I come to the office so they could search my body for bruises, cuts, or anythin else out of the ordinary, and ask me a few questions.When she asked me to take my shirt off so that she could do a thurough search of my body I became terrified, at the thought of her seeing my body, bc I am about 40 lbs overweight with stretchmarks that look like bloody scratches all over my body. I refused at first, which only made the lady persist on me taking my clothes off more. Finally I gave in and when I took my shirt off she gasped and asked me what they were. I began crying and told her the truth and she smirked and then told me to put my clothes on. After that she said that I was fine and that the only thing wrong with my life was that I was overly emotional and a girl with raging hormones. Thats what made me start feelin like I was useless and that all of the stuff that was being said and done to me at home was all part of my imagination, and that maybe it was the hormones making it all up and making me crazy. When I finally told my friend zarah she started giving me sympothy, and I became obsessd of the feeling. It was the only thing that made me feel like someone cared about me, So I became doing things to myself, to make myself feel worse about my life, so that I could tell people and get sympothy. After doing that for about 4 months I realized what I was doing was wrong, and I started believing that I was messed up and that because of it, thats the reason my family hated me. I became depressed and I didn't talk to anyone. I gave up on life and just sat in my room, for about a year. My parents asked me what was wrong and the first time I told them ,I was told that I was just sayin that because I wanted attention and that I was selfish and all I cared about was myself. I began to believe it, but at the same time my personality made me want to believe I was worth the time, and that I shouldn't care about what they think. Ever since then, my mind has been messed up. One second I will be happy and nothing bad will happen but I will just shut down and be depressed. All I have left to live for is those four peolpe who believe in me. All I have left to keep me going is my goal for my future. Thats why Ive been working on getting a scholarship, by getting the grades my grandmother has asked me to get since I started school. Its my only way out. Im half way there already, and trying to work on myself so that I can do it happily, along with my family friends, and wonderful boyfriend. :) life is starting to get better, little by little.

Adressing The Problem

2012-07-25T02:27:00.000-07:00

Hi.
My name is Misty. Im thirteen years old. Even since I was little I have blammed myself for things, things I should blame myself for and things I shouldn't. I have done MANY things I regret and I live with the consecquences of my decisions every day, I have carried guilt and shame and self hatred over things I shouldn't and it has lead me down a self destructional path and I can't stop it on my own. My past, present and future are filled with sorrow and pain if I continue on with living this way. This started when I was young.
When my mother was 14 her sister was killed in a car accident, she and my grandmother have not been the same since then.At 17 my mom got pregnant with me, and my grandmother raised me, bc my mom was too young. My father left me when I was 3, so I now have what people call "daddy issues." After my father left, I developed these thoughts that he left me and my mom because I was bad and that No one would ever love me. I also believed that somehow that because God planned me to be born ,Misty, my moms sister, had to die. I blammed myself for her death many years, and I know it doesnt make since. I dont understand why My child brain led me to believe that way, but it did. Then when I was nine, my mom got married to a really nice man. After about a year that man began saying mean things and hurting my feelings on purpose.Our relationship feel apart. Our family fell apart. When I was 11 I decided to look for my biological father and I have been in contact with him for about two years now. He is married and has a little boy. My mom had another child also, almost a year ago. I move around a lot , because my moms husband is military. Thats also hard on me , b/c I must leave my friends and family behind every 3 years. I recently moved to Enterprise Alabama, where I met a Boy that I love very much. One problem, he just moved away, but we are keeping a long distance relationship. I am always losing everyone, and everything Important to me. Like today for instance, one of my best friend told me I was a whore and that I was never going to make it to college because I was gonna get pregnant before then and that im a selfsih B***h, and concieted and a bunch of other things for no reason. I have been messed up for A long time.There is still so much about me that you dont know.This is only the beggining. I must start feeling better soon. I must start letting out my feelings.. and the truth, so that I can find who I am, and stop the hurt...