Everything Is Annoying

The Force Has Been Awokened and Suchness

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 04:03:00 +0000

The Wolfpack x Star Wars: Dave, Eddie, me, Megan, and Mukunda (as Darth Vader), who made his costume entirely out of cardboard and tape. Check out his costumes and movie artwork in Vogue!

Star Wars has not only awakened The Force, but after years of dormancy, it has awakened my need to write about it. Blogging makes me feel like a little ol' granny trying to reach out on Facebook, so please get me on your nerdy Episode VII group texts ASAP.

As a Star Wars lifer, I loved this film. Not because it was better than the original trilogy, but because it brought me back to it. This is an important feeling for early fans who lost their passion for the legacy after The Phantom Menace. The storyline was simplistic and there were some hokey moments, but I appreciate how this film echoed it's own roots. Some of my friends have complained about the script being lazy, but George Lucas went so off plot through four convoluted and poorly cast films, it's relieving to see JJ Abrams take control and get the franchise back on track. I respect and worship George Lucas, but once Jar Jar Binks hit the screen, the world realized he was in over his head. Jar Jar holds steady as the all-time worst character in film history, although Mad Max's Guitar Flamethrower dude is definitely sizzling on the scene (sidenote: everyone involved in the creation of that character should be forced to attend a job fair to find a new career path). ANYHOW!

My thoughts on The Force Awakens (SPOILERS):

FINN - I was happy to see a black lead character and I'm curious about his future, but unfortunately I didn't feel connected to Finn at all. He was a wee tad too puppy-like for my taste. However, I anticipated him replacing Luke Skywalker, so preemptively overhyping his role is the primary reason for my disappointment. Nonetheless, I can't help but anticipate him somehow replacing Han Solo in the next film, so I'll just be over here gearing up for another let down.

THE BAR SCENE - I wish the filmmakers had spent more time in the bar on Jakku. It made me really miss Mos Eisley and Tatooine. The locals at Ergel's bar (the featured tavern in Cratertown) should have had one more minute of screen time. Not just for extra chuckles, but to showcase the innovation of Industrial Light & Magic's creature department. However, there was an Easter Egg for us Mos Eisley groupies, including a cameo of the original jazz band, Figran D'an & The Modal Nodes from Episode IV: in A New Hope.

MAZ KANATA - I know this is extremely shallow because Lupita N'yongo is an astute actress and role model, but why did JJ Abrams waste her gorgeousness on an ET-looking-ass barkeep who - no big deal - has Luke Motherfucking Skywalker's light saber laying around in an unlocked box? That's like leaving the One Ring in a file cabinet in the manager's office at a Dave & Busters. IT'S PRECIOUS, Y'ALL. Also, Maz is just an off-brand Yoda the way Jakku is an off-brand Tatooine. On a lighter note, I appreciated the diversity of this film. They were able to create a range of backgrounds for characters without making it a racist shitshow (coughcough The Phantom Menace).

STARKILLER BASE - Creating a new Death Star seemed redundant, but I did love the Nazi scenery of the First Order's militia. I keep forgetting to ask more knowledgable pals about the necessity of an ice planet, so please weigh in!

REY - Daisy Ridley, the actress who played Rey, was strong all around. Her character had a nice mix of Leia's courage, Luke's sensitivity, and Han's snark, but she was an intelligent warrior with her own style. I found her pretty compelling as a female protagonist and I think she will carry the series, no sweat. Can't wait to see her in the next chapter.

FASHION - The wardrobe was insahhhnely good. I'd wear almost anything seen on screen, male or female, Finn's leathers in particular. Here's a good interview about the costume designer's thought process when creating the wardrobe. Aside from dressing General Leia as someone's aunt who breeds Golden Retrievers in Maine, I felt the film was respectful of the legacy of Star Wars fashion.

THE LIGHTSABER - I found Kylo Ren's two sided saber superfluous and off-putting. The lightsaber is a sacred icon that should not be altered. However, Kylo's silken mane really transformed dorky Adam Driver into a smoldering pony, amirite?

HAN, R2D2, C3PO, LUKE, LEIA (in that order) - I didn't expect it, but I got pretty ferklempt seeing my childhood friends appear on screen. The Empire Strikes Back was the first movie I saw in a theater; my cousin Dalton took me to see it in Times Square, and even though I couldn't really follow the plot at such a young age, I remember being awed. I fell in love with Yoda immediately and was genuinely scared of Darth Vader. We didn't have spaceships and creatures like that before Star Wars. The Rebels were my very first heroes outside of Piggy and Kermy, so every time a vintage character appeared in The Force Awakens, I cheered and clapped along with the UA Sheepshead Bay IMAX audience. D and I kept side-hugging and holding hands, and I could hear Megan squealing 6 seats over. It was definitely a highlight of the experience.

POE DAMARIN - After watching Ex-Machina, I simultaneously added Oscar Isaac into both my Greatest Actors and Would Definitely F lists. However, he has surpassed all canon and moved into a very important role formerly occupied by Jason Mantzoukas and James MacAvoy: Poe Damarin is officially my TOP DUDEFISH. This means I will think about him at inappropriate times. Hope I meet him at a dinner party and he wifes me. Will keep you posted x

Hey Y'all

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 20:25:00 +0000

Hi everyone-

It's been awhile since I've written anything here and I'm feeling kind of rusty. I used to love this thing and couldn't wait to come home from work and write, but now it seems pointless. There are a few reasons why:

1) I don't have much free time to write due to working for an extremely busy person.

2) I love my job so much I'm kind of obsessed with it and don't really want to distract myself. This blog could potentially be a huge time burglar.

3) I no longer live in New York City during the ever-burgeoning artistic era of Lower East Side creativity that has since been completely annihilated by yada yada rich assholes yada gentrification yada.... I live an ideal life out here in boring old Los Angeles, which I'm grateful for, but it's not exactly the most inspiring city. It's no pre-9/11 Manhattan.

4) I'm happy and I can't write when I'm happy. I don't know why this is true, all I know is that whenever things are rough I am better at articulating myself.

5) No one blogs anymore. Blogging is for people in their 20's who are defining themselves, or people in their 50's who are reinventing themselves. That said, I'm definitely going to have an old lady blog someday, mostly about my all-female ragtime band, Pickleback.

Anyhow. Here is the last reason I'm not writing here anymore:**

6) I'm turning this blog into a podcast! I'm really excited about it. Stay tuned for Everything Is Annoying.

Love,

Aviva

** I'm definitely going to continue writing here. To skip the reading and go straight to my daily complaints, follow me on Twitter. I love Twitter.

Mom Quotes by Aviva Yael

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 20:17:00 +0000

I recently visited my mom in New Orleans (my hometown, born and raised). We had a fun visit that mostly consisted of going out to eat at all my favorite spots. If you ever go to New Orleans, ask me where to eat, drink, and dance. Anyhow, as usual my mom shared her special brand of advice and opinions. I collected some of her more seminal phrases. Below are a few killer classics:

We drove past a giant building that was under construction.
Mom: (Gasp) "They're building a modern extravaganza!"

Me: "I can't believe dad smokes pot"
Mom: "Oh honey he's what they call a doper."

Me: "Why do you have so many cookies in your house?"
Mom: "Because I'm a junkie"

"Button it"

"Oh please, he's so full of shit I don't know how he can walk"

"BULLSHIT ARTIST"

"He's kind as can be, but ugly as sin"

"Maybe it's time you start looking into freezing your eggs"

Thanks for making me mom! I love you!

What's your favorite mom quote?

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 15 Oct 2014 20:38:00 +0000

Hi pals! Please listen to Po and Blockhead's hilarious "ROGGLECAST" podcast with special guest: ME!

We play fuck/marry/kill, talk about dating, and I share one of my deepest, darkest secrets

Listen on iTunes

or Soundcloud

Freak City

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Tue, 08 Jul 2014 01:48:00 +0000

Hi friends-

Been awhile! I haven't had much to say in long form, but if you want to know what I'm up to these days, my boos Twitter and Instagram got all you need. In the meantime, here is a short piece I directed for Pharrell's i am OTHER channel for our HYPEBEAST series about one of my favorite spots in LA, Freak City. I love the owners Justin Time and Vally Girl, and am happy to be able to tell my friends exactly WHAT Freak City is with just a link. Enjoy!

Thank you my crew Erik Lang, Jacqueline Di Milia, Bethany Gould, Gabriel Stanley, and Basak Alemdag.

Pulling it Together

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Mon, 04 Nov 2013 21:55:00 +0000

Please enjoy this podcast in which Amanda Savage interviews me about burning topics like
why I'm obsessed with Tinder and the age old debate: WASPs vs. JAPs. I also share my most embarrassing story ever. Click the link below to download the iTunes podcast:

PULLING IT TOGETHER with Amanda Savage, Episode 8: AVIVA YAEL

This old photo of me saluting like a Corporal Asshole is part of my most embarrassing story. Listen to the podcast to find out more.

I also share some tips on social networking, which eBay posted on The Inside Source:

Pulling it Together is a podcast focusing on gender equality through comedy in an effort to rebrand feminism. Hosted by comedian Amanda Savage. Produced by Jillian Leigh

Enjoy!

xo Aviva

My Worst Date Ever

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Fri, 13 Sep 2013 16:30:00 +0000

This is a repost of my favorite bad date story, originally posted 7/7/11

This song will never die. I'll be an old lady rocking back and forth in my rocking chair on the front porch (I live in the South somewhere?) and I'll tell my son to "crank this shit up." Probably more likely I'll be soothing my teeth between prolonged sips from a Bourbon lemonade, swirling regrets and theophanies into the thick root of a lowball. Sorry I said "theophanies." Just trying it out. Whaddya think? It's probably the worst, but I'm listless these days. Using new words is about as edgy as I get. I'm still waiting for the right moment to casually drop "excoriate" without losing friends.

One time I went on a date with a guy who lived, ate and drank on the Upper East Side. We'll just call him "Harvard Sweatshirt." A snowstorm hit and neither of us wanted to walk three long avenues to the train, so we went back to his immaculate, book-laden apartment. I pulled a copy of "Pockets Full of Chomsky" from his shelf and told him how I'd gifted the series to someone that very morning. His sweatshirt then asked me to "translate complex passages" chosen by him into what I think they mean in layman's terms. You know, because I was a fucking idiot who went to UCLA and couldn't possibly grasp or dissect Chomsky's philosophy.

The degradation sobered me up instantly. I was being hazed. Apparently my ability to break down the assigned excerpts into tiny little pieces at 2am and still look pretty must have been all that he was looking for, for that night anyhow, because suddenly I was "this" and "that" and "more things you want to hear from someone who you're attracted to."

It was freezing, there was a blizzard outside, and the trains were running on holiday service, but I walked three long avenues, transferred trains, and followed the East River home til I could get back to my bed in Williamsburg by 5am.

I don't have that kind of pride anymore.

He's BAAAaaaack...

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Thu, 12 Sep 2013 06:30:00 +0000

I can't design clothing. I can't sew. I can't sketch, or even visualize myself in new clothing until I've tried it on. I have very few talents and the ones I have are pretty common:

- Cooking
- Cleaning (I'm legitimately into perfecting sanitization processes)
- Coming up with brain-altering hashtags for my Instagram photos

Thus, it's neither fair nor kind of me to criticize someone else's craft, but "fashion" "designer" "Jeremy" "Scott" has pushed me over the edge with his new collection this season.

Scott, known for his elegant taste and ethereal musings has a new collection that looks like it was designed for the wait staff at that defunct tourist trap Martian Bar in Times Square. I think he was going for more of an 80's-does-50's camp feel a la Mars Attacks, with re-re-re-hashed Trash & Vaudeville patent-leather-zippered throwbacks, but that sounds way cooler than anything that hit the runway:

Spring/Summer '14 - Jeremy Scott Hates Women's Bodies, Evidence A, B, and C

This collection wasn't as offensive as past seasons, and I'd rock some of the one-piece maillots, but... IT'S TIME TO STOP PRETENDING THAT JEREMY SCOTT IS A BRILLIANT, INNOVATIVE FASHION DESIGNER. I mean, it's CRAZY you guys. We are like battered wives. We're too scared to say it out loud because everyone's "friends" with him and he throws the best Coachella parties, but we don't need to live in fear anymore! PLEASE STOP BEING AFRAID TO SPEAK OUT. There are others who feel the same way you do, who are trapped in a Boom Boom Room-sized pressure cooker filled with social climbers and fashion people just as desperate and full of shit as you are. Maybe if we all come out of the JS closet at once no one will notice, like bum-rushing a police barricade.

Let us not forget how he outdid himself with the S/S12 runway presentation, a veritable bounty of Cross Colors-meets-Pee-Wee's Playhouse couture. I was so moved I wrote about it. Here, I put together a Quick View of my three favorite looks:

Spring/Summer '12 - Those assless chaps shorts are sizzling on the scene

I know he's hustled for a decade to become a signature part of NYFW and I definitely respect the work ethic, but I've never seen anyone wear his clothing who I know doesn't get it for free. Maybe his Adidas collaborations offset the cost of production on his line, but I suspect he has a rich old benefactor in Paris who underwrites it all. If anyone knows, please holler at me in the comments or email me. On the bright side, he has a cool website and it doesn't look like he ripped off any legendary skate brands this season.

I haven't seen any reviews yet so I'll look tomorrow and update you on the consensus, but in the meantime please share your thoughts in the comments.

UPDATE 9/12/13 9:30am PST: As usual, critics are raving about him again, too scared to call a spade a spade. The LA Times just referenced Mars Attacks and says "this collection combines the rebellious spirit of '50s-era youth with a future-past Space Age aesthetic to create a range of pieces perfect for the planet-hopping retro-rebel set."

Really? Is it?

Thank you!

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 19:14:00 +0000

Hi Everyone!!

I just got back from the AIDS/Lifecycle ride this weekend and I wanted to let you know it was the experience of a lifetime. I am totally inspired and feel different about my priorities, particularly in regards to helping other people. It was mentally, physically and even spiritually challenging but it was a very special week. Sorry if that sounds corny as hell, but it's true. I just wanted to thank you for being part of this and helping me raise enough money to have this opportunity.

This year the ALC broke it's record: 2,200 riders fundraised $14.2 MILLION to help AIDS research and to help rehabilitate people living with HIV and AIDS. Babies, families, and elderly folks included. People who have no health insurance because they either can't afford it or have lost their jobs and even homes because they became sick and ran out of money are being saved by your donations. I know because I was riding next to many of them. It is an incredibly rewarding experience to meet the very people who are benefitting from your cause. They thank you and I thank you. It's important you know exactly where the money you gave to the ALC went, and you should be proud of yourself for making a difference in these people's lives.

I hope you enjoyed my Instagram photos (it was hard to find power for my cell to post a lot of photos, but I'll be posting more this week). Thank you again - you've been great friends to me!

If you ever consider doing the ride yourself next year please let me know. It's fully achievable, trust me!

xo Aviva

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 22 May 2013 01:02:00 +0000

Thanks to you I've successfully raised the $3000. I needed to be able to participate in the 550-mile AIDS Ride on June 2nd! I'm so excited, grateful, and personally moved by the amount of support and effort you guys have put into helping me make this long-time goal happen.

If you would still like to support me but couldn't donate before I met my goal, you can donate to a separate PayPal fundraiser I've set up, which will go directly toward next year's fund by clicking this:

Please click that Paypal button in the upper right corner of this here blog. There is also an article entitled "Science Proves Women Love a Big Ol' D" right after this post for you to read as an added bonus (or loss, depending on your favorite penis size).

Thank you so much guys and sorry for the campaigning but it really does mean a lot!

xoxo Aviva

Science Proves Women Love a Big Ol' D

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Mon, 20 May 2013 22:02:00 +0000

Big ol' D's have been historically celebrated through art and architecture as a symbol of virility and procreation. Our society obsesses over BOD's in comedy, literature, advertising, music, movies, sports, pop culture and fashion. Science has finally confirmed what we all already know to be the most true truth in the history of trueness:

"Women Love A Big Ol' D"

The study was conducted by a panel of male scientists who may or may not have tiny penises. I wonder how much this study in obviousness cost researchers at the University of Georgia?

If you weren't blessed with a giant you-know-what, there's nothing you can do about it so just try not to worry. If you make us laugh and want to make rad babies with you, it doesn't really matter. So let's all pretend we are all gorgeous and perfect and keep on bonin'.

Home Stretch

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 15 May 2013 23:19:00 +0000

Hello friends and family-

TWO MORE WEEKS TO GO!!!

I want to thank all of you who have generously donated to my AIDS Ride fundraiser. I am only $500. from my goal now and completely on track to meet the $3000. mark within the next two weeks thanks to you!

As difficult as it has been to raise this money, I have to say that being this close has motivated me both physically and mentally. Thank you for encouraging me and keeping me on track. If you haven't already donated please click the link below for my fundraising page and updates:

AVIVA'S PARTY PAGE

I also want to let you know that I am dedicating my ride to my stepmom Anne who did this ride on her 50th birthday after the passing of her daughter and my sister Natacha. I can't wait to do this ride and make your kindness, your donations, and your moral support pay off. Thank you guys!

xo Aviva

You're Making My Dreams Come True

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 00:04:00 +0000

UPDATE:

Since my last post 3 days ago you guys have helped me reach 50% of my fundraising goal! Your amazing

generosity not only proves to me that people still care about things other than the Real Housewives of

Beverly Hills Reunion Episodes (not that there is much else to care about), but it has completely reinvigorated me

personally.

I was feeling a little discouraged. My team dropped out, I hadn't raised much money, the cost of a proper new bike,
gear, and equipment are high and not included in the fundraising, and my training hasn't been good enough until
recently. After seeing an outpouring of donations and friends offering to donate art, clothes and other things to help
me hold a fundraising party, I feel inspired again and I would do this ride alone no matter what. Camping with
thousands of strangers from all over the world even though I hate camping? NO PROBLEM. Being out of my
physical and mental element? NO PROBLEM. Worrying about taking a week off from my regular job and clients?
OKAY SLIGHT PROBLEM because I don't like taking time off. But it's all going to be worth it once I'm on that
beautiful ride with all those goal-driven people.

CLICK HERE TO HELP ME DO THIS F*CKING THING!

I will be shouting out my supporters from the road on Instagram and sending postcards to each of you along the way,
so if you haven't donated yet drop a few bucks on my page and join me on my journey! As a preliminary thank you,
here is a cute cute cute cute cute cute cute CUTE thank you gerbil-hamster (what is it?):

Thank you to my supporters:

Alex 2/Tone

Jennifer Brandt & Nic Taylor
Rich Awn (see you on the ride Rich!)
Matt Lenski
David Cross
Ilona Klaver

Jessie Mann
Nelleke McCowan
Kate Carraway
Suzy and Coady Willis (who gave me $69.69 because they are perverts!)
Chevonne Moore

Mark Aguilar

The O'Niells
Delia Sweeney
Julia Dimon
Shay Neilsen
Ann Heche and the Heche Family
April Jones
Keeli Shaw
Jeremy & Danika Sirota
Nick Stern
Tracy Stewart
Michael Lavoilette
Alex Yenni
Elliot Aranow
Rudj Escobar
Nancy Kagan
Mollie Culligan
Sarah Soquel Morhaim
Kasey Price
Ellisah Gennello
Andrew Bangs
Avril Lang

I love you guys. Thank you SO MUCH!

We're getting closer!

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 16:00:00 +0000

Hey guys!

I am chugging along in my training for the AIDS ride which is now only 2 months away. I am excited to tell you that

I have already reached 22% of my fundraising goal that I need to reach in order to participate! A lot of you have

already donated and THANK YOU SO MUCH for doing so - your support not only encourages me personally, but it's

helping to cure BABY AIDS N STUFF and save people's lives. Don't you want to cure BABY AIDS? Don't be a baby

killer! (jokes etc etc more jokes etc)

Anyhow, I can really use your support with as little as a $10.00 donation. And of course if you are in LA, please join

me for one of the beautiful long coastal rides in Malibu or to from the San Gabriel Mountains to Seal Beach on the

weekends as part of my training.

Click here to drop a dime

on my fundraising page!

I have a long way to go for fundraising and I'm going to start being very proactive about it for the next two months.

The sooner I raise the $3000. to join, the sooner I can stop posting about this ride and get down to the fun stuff, which

includes shouting out all of my supporters from the road and sending you postcards. Thank you all for your support so far!

Love you all!

xo Aviva

Bout That Life

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 19:51:00 +0000

I've immortalized my friends. Biggest ballers in the game

Matt Lenski

Carrie Imberman

Marguerite Wade

Andre Razo

Yours Truly

Matt Murphy

Nelleke

Niles Roth

Baby Lucia

Pollyne Gonzaga

Life is Beautiful

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 03:28:00 +0000

My favorite comments from the short film that Brendan Donnelly and I made. It won the Prix du Jury Award at Cannes last summer.

Riff Raff - Art Ballin'

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 21:48:00 +0000

I took RiFF RaFF aka Jody Highroller to Art Basel in Miami to critique some art. This is the first piece I've directed for Pharrell Williams' i am OTHER channel. Enjoy this maniac!

Let's Do This!

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 16:46:00 +0000

Hello, Readers! I have some juicy new posts coming up, but I wanted to let you know about something very important. This June, I’m embarking on a trip from San Francisco to Los Angeles entirely by bicycle. This will be my first year participating in the AIDS/LifeCycle, a ride that raises money and awareness for HIV/AIDS prevention and I am very excited!

This is going to be my first attempt at serious fundraising, as I have to raise a minimum of $3000. to be able to participate in the ride and I need your help getting me there! Plus, your donation will directly improve the lives of others.

The funds we raise together will be going to the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. The AIDS Foundation provides free healthcare and low-cost medication to people who have the virus. Your gift will help do outreach in poor communities, communities of color, and help spread prevention awareness about HIV. This is a very good thing we can do together!

DONATE NOW

If you click on any of those adorable piggies, you will be linked directly to my donation page! The minimum donation is just $5.00, but I know money is tight for many people, so if you can't donate, please spread this link on Twitter or Facebook and share it with your friends. It's just as meaningful to me.

Another way you can help is by joining our team!

The ride is one week long and is an average of 80 miles per day. We will stay in camps provided by the AIDS Lifecycle Foundation and (delicious) meals are provided throughout the entire ride. Also, if you HATE public restrooms and port-o-potties like I do, you'll be happy to know that the AIDS ride has some of the cleanest facilities on the planned routes you can ever hope for. A Germaphobe's dream! And you'll be riding through some of California's most coveted scenery. You can read more about the route HERE.

If you are interested in joining, please let me know in the comments. As a pre-thank you for either donating, spreading the word, or just quietly hoping that I reach my fundraising goal, here is an awesome Internet cat and my boyfriend Ron Swanson:

I will keep you posted on my progress and will post occasional pics of our rides and recipes at instagram.com/avivayael.

xx Aviva

Ppl r Rad SumTiMez

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 02:53:00 +0000

Someone bought the domain for Guy Fieri's new Times Square restaurant before he did and they made up a new menu that is a-fucking-hil-a-ri-o

Click image for the site

10 Songs That Will Ruin Your Life

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 19:39:00 +0000

Guest Blogger: PO

[Ed note: I think Po curses too much and dogs Sheryl Crow too hard, but first amendment]

Do not downplay the importance of music. Music is the friend we turn to when we are lonely, happy, frustrated or bored. It gives us the ability to think that we are cooler than another group of people, which thus gives us the power to tell people how to live. Music also allows us to imagine a fantasyland where we are bad-ass bitches who don't take shit or super dudes who live in a world of endless blow jobs with no strings attached.

I'm not gonna get all Tipper Gore on you and blame music for inciting violence (if you're a murderer type please shout from the rooftops that music didn't make you do it), but let's think seriously about what 500+ listens of "Bitches Ain't Shit" or "Call Your Girlfriend" have done to your brain. You think you know, but you have no idea.

You know when you see a woman frowning around the supermarket carrying a huge bag of chips in one arm and a tub of ice cream in the other? Or a couple steady screaming at each other on the street like no one's around? Or a homeless man slumped against a wall, melting into the concrete? You always wonder what life choices they've made to get to their current situation. You'll never truly know, but some of these songs may have directly contributed to their downfall. Music can impede one's mood, relationships and rent-paying capabilities.

I recently found out about an old Soulja Boy song called "Crank That / Superman Dat Ho" that's about coming on a ladies' back and then attaching a sheet to her so it sticks to her like a cape. I know more than one fool tried that out after hearing this song. Just saying...

1. Use Me - Bill Withers

Bill. This lady treats you like shit in front of your friends and family, but because this beat is so good you've got us thinking it's okay to be emotionally abused as long as the sex is stellar. Tsk Tsk!

2. Get It While You Can - Janis Joplin

Jesus Janis, I don't think getting laid because the world is a depressing place or because you could get hit by a bus tomorrow is the best reason to fuck that half-passed-out dude in the back of the bar. You probably don't ever use protection either, right? You almost got us with the "being drunk enough to think that we'd be turning our backs on love if we didn't do it" but nah, girl, nah.

3. Ain't No Fun - Snoop Dogg and obviously the ENTIRE DOGG POUND

Okay guys? You probably shouldn't all have sex with that girl. Especially if she is willing to lick all of your friends' balls. This is only going to reinforce your inability to meet a girl in the (whole wide) world who you could actually love. Also, consider that maybe your view of women has been swayed by one lady in the past that did you wrong. So before you start passing another girl around to your friends just because she liked licking your balls, stop and think that maybe she really likes you and is just a sweetheart who wants you to enjoy yourself.

4. Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes

Dude. ARE you fucking serious? You are advocating the lamest way to go about cheating on your woman because you are bored??? You didn't even fucking know she liked Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, or making love at midnight. You almost lost an awesomely compatible companion, you douche. Never listen to a dude who isn't ashamed to say he is into champagne.

5. If It Makes You Happy - Sheryl Crow

"If it makes you happy it can't be that bad... then why the hell are you so sad?" Well, let's see Sheryl. Maybe because you encouraged me to go ahead and do that thing that made me think I was happy, which happened to be arson, binging and purging my food, or kidnapping. Thanks for the advice you perma-old looking mole-having bitch.

6. Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

Look guys, it's just irresponsible for you to advise innocent kids to take trains going anywhere to stick to their dreams and to hold on to their hopes when they are clearly turing into hookers, gamblers and junkies. Maybe don't roll the dice one more time and instead keep that paycheck for rent. Where's the pragmatism?

7. Prince's Entire Discography

I mean come ON: I Wish I Was Your Girlfriend, I Would Die 4 U, Darling Nikki, Erotic City, How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore, Forever in My Life, Delirious, Get Off, Let's Go Crazy, Pink Cashmere, 7, Nothing Compares 2 U, House Quake, 1999, and the Batman Soundtrack... cause that shit was just wack.

8. Blame it On the Rain- Milli Vanilli

This is probably what they did when they got caught for lip syncing. Don't do it, it will only lead to death.

9. Love the One You're With - Stephen Stills

Bad, bad advice Stephen. This "grass ain't always greener" song just sounds like the ultimate settle-for-less, lower your expectations, give up and throw on those sweat pants ditty. The 'It' next to me is busted as fuck. Not majestic like an eagle, or a dove flying through the beautiful American sky. Yes, i am dating 'It' but i'm secretly wishing and hoping for better than this. S/he is a lazy, self obsessed, Skeksi-looking thang and I'd rather be alone and keep pining for the one I love, thank you very much. You should be encouraging me to seek out higher quality partners.

10. Creep - TLC

Retaliation is a terrible way to deal with a cheating partner. Sitting there and counting the days that you have been neglected and betrayed and using that as an excuse for you to "creep around" will only breed more drama. Just because you girls look super cute in huge silk pajamas doesn't mean you can just turn this slumber party into a crazysexycool night of cheating on your significant other.

10 Things To Do Instead of Internet Stalking

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 20:18:00 +0000

You are an internet troll. A hyper-conscious, detail-oriented, pro-active internet spy who invades the privacy of unknowing victims. In your spare time you work pro bono for yourself as a private investigator. You spend an inordinate amount of time tracing and dissecting the details of others' lives, artfully piecing together their digital trails until you know everything you possibly can about your victim.

I understand how easy this is to do. Social networks were practically designed for internet stalking. Facebook is a browsing catalogue for boners and women use it to figure out every single female creature our boyfriends have ever had any contact with. But you know what you'll find if you go there? A heap of steaming turds you deliberately stepped in.

Don't let yourself fall into the black hole of temptation. I know it's fun to uncover the backstories, scandals, or sexual triumphs of people you know, work with, want to make rad babies with, exes, their new girlfriends or boyfriends, people you love, people you hate, teachers, bosses, bodega guys, celebrities, and hot bartenders.

Go ahead, make my day. You'll discover that everyone you date has been with someone hotter, younger, smarter, more interesting, better in bed, or richer than you. The person you think is a moron or an undeserving asshole at work has it easier than you. Your favorite porn star has it harder than you (HEY-O!). So instead of comparing notes and getting all up in Brenda's business, here are 10 things you can do that are better than stalking people on the Internet.

1. Go shroom in the desert on New Year's Eve with say, ten friends. While you're peaking, close your eyes and imagine yourself in a crystalline forest in Burma that has trees covered in kaleidoscope bark reminiscent of these beautiful geometric designs by Andy Gilmore. Just a suggestion, not that I've ever done that a few weeks ago.

2. Be terrified by this video. Terrrrified. Then think to yourself, "this is f*cking genius, son. Why didn't I make this video?" Then get a job at an ad agency that will keep you too busy to stalk people on the internet.

3. Learn how to fold a fitted sheet like a proper adult. It takes practice, but let's put this universal battle to rest by mastering our fears, shall we?

4. Make a music video out of 3,000 movies. I interviewed the guy who made this and he told me he spent the same amount of time making this masterpiece than you've spent masturbating in your entire life. How many hours do you think that is all put together, a year? 8765.81 hours or so?

5. Fake it til you make. No really, it works. At least according to this TED talk.

6. Listen to the world's best podcast, Star Talk Radio. In the episode below my friend Eugene Mirman talks astrophysics, dolphin blow jobs, and artificial intelligence with my hero Neil DeGrasse Tyson. There are three other big brains and comedians in this episode and everyone has lots of interesting input. However, I do not appreciate the part where the neuroscientist chick says she doesn't believe in The Singularity and a Kurzweilian future. LET US DREAM, LADY.

7. Help lobby Hollywood's Power Gays to collectively buy Chick-Fil-A so we can eat there again. Did you know that every time you eat their spicy chicken sandwich a gay person dies? Seriously. I have two gay cousins, a gay brother, two gay step cousins, and a gay uncle somewhere. I love them all very much and don't want them to die at the hands of a delishaaassssssss sandwich. We need Andy Cohen, N.P.H., Ellen and The Coops on this shit. NOW.

8. Brush up on the minds of serial killers with this fun website that offers "Over 500 serial killers in your pocket!" There is also a link on the home page to something called Dark Vomit which I refuse to click.

9. Get a hobby. You know how you get into something, obsess over it, do it every single day for a month, then never speak of it again? For me these things have included: gardening, making God's Eyes, a raw food diet, sewing, Dubstep, and starting two different book drafts. If you're feeling prone to sleuthing out the person you most want to give a baby, learn something new. Take a cooking class, learn to swim faster, buy a 5000-piece puzzle set, or learn how to face paint with such detail that you can give someone two sets of eyes, like this artist did below. That is face paint, not Photoshop.

10. Buy stuff off the TV while tweezing your leg hairs. Honestly, buying the worst shit ever while doing the worst shit ever is better than what you were thinking of doing. Eat a box of frozen Tacitos in your Slanket during a 48-hour Hoarders bender. Fill your bathtub with Chia Pets and let them grow out. It's a matter of spending your time wisely and avoiding self-imposed torture.

Hope these tips were useful. Now go think up music video concepts for Po to make and stay away from Brenda!

xx Aviva

I'm Not Sorry

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 23:38:00 +0000

GUEST BLOGGER: PO

My friend Cary's little brother just moved in with an eccentric gay male musician named Yaku (not Asian but def some sort of European). A few weeks ago she asked him how he was settling in. He told her he was having a fine time of it but the one interesting aspect of his new apartment life was that his roommate was always in his room working on a dance song that just seemed to repeat the lines "I'm not sorry" over and over.

We all thought this hilarious and kind of blew it off, never imagining that one day "I'm Not Sorry" would grace our hearts, minds, and souls. Yet here it is. We love Yaku and hope he gets a record deal. I'm going to make a music video for this so please pitch your music video ideas in the comments and the best one will become immortalized in a YouTube video for eternity, with full credits and all. Please enjoy.

Po's Top 20 Real Life Celebrity Stories

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 16:00:00 +0000

Ed note: Po is the bubble blower four rows down, second column

Here are some true stories, facts and probably some secrets that I have been brain hoarding which carry no creedence. I've witnessed or been part of all of these, which is a study in the close proximity of celebrities to regular people who grow up in Manhattan. Always a blessing, never a curse.

1. Jonah Hill will eat 15+ chilled cocktail shrimp in just a few short minutes.

2. Keanu Reeves will not hold the door for you.

3. Kathryn Bigelow does not wear thongs.

4. Nathan Lane is rude to his driver.

5. Steve Buscemi will kindly deal with you accidentally putting salt in his cappuccino.

6. No one talks to Axl Rose at parties.

7. Jamiroquai once bought a bunch of sneakers at the Adidas store. They were all purple.

8. David Blaine passed out with his mouth open during ‘The Dictator’ after making some nachos disappear.

9. David Blaine can hypnotize you into giving him your phone number.
10. Jim Jarmusch loooooves hoagies.

11. Sean Connery is intolerant of litter. [Ed note: and laws against slapping women]

12. Scarlett Johansen loves Depeche Mode.

13. Lou Reed will demand a cheese plate even if it’s not on the menu.

14. Lenny Kravitz is really patient.

15. Maxwell likes to order rum drinks from The Rusty Knot and take home the cool Tiki glasses. (Don't worry, he brings them back)

16. Joey Fatone will let you call him Fat One.

17. Dead Prez will not hurt you if drunkenly throw popcorn at them (I was throwing it in the air, not at y'all. Sorry, Dead Prez)

18. Janet Jackson did coke in the back of an unnamed person's dad’s restaurant.

19. When heckling a guy walking in front of you on the street and calling him a “Carson Daly mothafucka” make sure before he turns around that he is not, indeed, Carson Daly.

20. The lead singer of 3^rd Eye Blind has no shame in hitting on you while wearing Birkenstocks.

Please leave your celebrity stories in the comments and Aviva will be reaching out to you about somethin' somethin'

Top 6 Celebrities Who Hate Me

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 01:57:00 +0000

Please enjoy these short stories about celebrities who would rather not go camping with me in the wilderness.

1. Patton Oswalt hates me because I asked him to FedEx a phone charger to me after the 2004 election night party at his house that long story short turned into a 3 week $115. ordeal.

2. Julian Casablancas once threw me out of his house for drinking his last beer after a looooong night of partying. Or morning, depending on how you judge those things. (He eventually apologized but I recently met some dude who was like "Oh yeeeeerrr Aviva, the chick Julian threw out of his house." Good times!)

3. The guy from Korn with the braids told me I was a dumb slut after I accidentally GOD FORBID sat at his reserved VIP table at some terrible Hollywood club in the nineties.

4. Danny Masterson insulted me for some reason I don't remember, which turned into a screaming match at a Vegas nightclub VIP area because WHY WAS I AT A VIP AREA IN VEGAS.

5. Jeremy Piven hates me. But that's okay because I hate him too.

6. Natasha Lyonne made aggressive moves on my boyfriend (he was straight up GORGEOUS) that led to us nearly breaking up. I forgot all about it but I told him that if I ever saw her again I would knock her lights out. 6 months later I saw her at a bar named "Happy Ending" in Chinatown and punched her square in the face. She threw her drink at me, I was immediately escorted out of the club (more of a steamy coke dungeon, but whatever), and then walked around scared shitless that A.R.E. Weapons was going to beat me up. They didn't beat me up, the end.

Coming up: Po's Top 20 Celebrity Stories

Hello, hi

noreply@blogger.com (Aviva) — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 23:57:00 +0000

my emo anthem

Sometimes I wish I were a Boring Normy so I could do what is expected of me and find happiness in the lighter realms of existence like everyone else. Instead I'm either inspired or frustrated, often simultaneously. Right now I'm inspired and working fervently on a number of fun projects, some with friends.

If I had 2 kids and no choice but to work I would punch a time clock and shut up about it. However, I'm not tethered to any person, place or thing yet and I'm lucky enough to get paid for my opinions. Soooo... sitting at a desk all day for something I don't believe in feels sort of like dating a Stage 5 Clinger. You know when you're in an editorial meeting and some marketing chick tells you to check TMZ to see what's happening in the "news" and your throat closes up and you start to feel like you're going into anaphylactic shock? Or that feeling you get when you are forced to write about bands that suck so hard James Dyson should name his machines in their honor? UNNGGGHHHH.

Welp, those days are over. I finally started working on building my business up (I consult with brands and businesses on their websites, social media, and editorial content, and my main gig is working for Pharrell Williams which is THE SHIT - I love it). I'm slowly researching subjects for my second book and hopefully someday will travel across the country to complete it. I love collecting beer coozies at gas stations and judging cities based on their thrift stores. The South and the Dakotas are peppered with occasional lot lizards, carnies and assorted Lynchian creatures you'd expect along the darker parts of the road, and there are racists and obese people that I forget exist outside of TV. Beyond the Wal-mart stampedes and misguided religious zealots, America is actually beautiful and full of kind people. Dumb-ass people mostly, but kind nonetheless.

But what I've really been itching to do is take another big trip. Iceland? Costa Rica? The Emerald Isle? Bhutan? We'll see. A trip like that will be my reward for taking care of business first. Right now I'm focused on my work and my next move.

My philosophy is this: do everything you can to be happy, but just remember that in life there are always a couple of turds in the pudding.