Cogito Ergo Rideo

memalang

2012-02-14T23:40:00.001+08:00

Humans have this natural tendency to stick to a way of life that they have grown accustomed with. Change is something we fear because it brings uncertainty. We want to stay within our comfort zone because we have learned to control everything in this realm.

But humans are also greedy by nature. By greedy I mean they seek to get more from the things that they are used to having. We want to get more from life because we know we deserve it.

The same holds true, I think, as far as human relations are concerned. On the onset, we get used to a certain way of life and a certain form of connection with people. Over time, however, this connection becomes ordinary and less challenging because of its certainty. To break away from that which is boring, we expect more from the people around us. We want more from them because we feel that, for the most part, we have also been giving a great deal of ourselves to them.

I do not see anything wrong with upgrading our relationships. The problem comes when we expect so much and receive so little. The greater our expectations are, the higher the probability for disappointment. We ask for more. We wish to get more. But when the other person, for one reason or another, fails to deliver, we feel injustice.

If only people stopped expecting too much, then there would be less disappointments in this world. If only we chose to be content with the things that we receive, then it would be easier to accept that there are just certain things that are unfortunately beyond our control. It is easier to be happy when we are not burdened by expectations and by that nagging voice that tells us that we should ask for more than what people are capable of giving us at a given point.

Brush Dance

2011-12-30T22:26:00.001+08:00

I will not live an unlived life

I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.

I choose to inhabit my days,

to allow my living to open me,

to make me less afraid, more accessible

to loosen my heart,

until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance;

to live so that which came to me as seed,

goes to the next as blossom,

and that which came to me as blossom,

goes on as fruit.

I found this poem written on the cover of one of my journals from college. It's apparently by Dawna Markova - who she is, I have no idea. But it seems that this passage struck me as interesting enough to merit the first page of a notebook which served as a reservoir of my thoughts from '02.

sweet

2011-08-26T00:26:00.004+08:00

I don't want to live in a house made of candy and sweets -- I'll end up being homeless after a while because I won't be able to resist biting into my doors and windows!

rebounds and distractions

2011-08-13T18:04:00.005+08:00

A distraction is something that keeps you from doing the stuff that you need to accomplish. You just can't get it off your head unless you do something about it. In my case, I usually have to rant on something or talk about it (or blog about it) just to shut the devil up - at least long enough for me to finish my work.

Talking about it works... but it's a temporary remedy. The distraction is still there, lurking at the back of your head.

You want to look for something to keep you from thinking about your original distraction. It can be as simple as cleaning the house, organizing your closet (what I usually do), organizing your book list (what I do when the closet thing doesn't work), cleaning the bathroom (when all else fails) or eating. You want to forget. You want to pretend that it doesn't exist. And sometimes, it's easy because, like eating spaghetti, cleaning the house or organizing your clothes according to color and fabric requires a lot of focus.

But like I said, they are all short-term solutions. After the clothes are properly classified according to season, brand name and color, you go back to your old self and start dwelling on the distraction again.

And then you meet someone who might potentially keep you distracted. It's a new kind of distraction to replace the old one and you think, this one is better. You think you can finally be free of the old one if only you channeled all your energies to this new person.

This is what we call the overrated rebound.

Rebounds are tricky but they somehow show you what you really want in life. They make you realize that your previous distraction is nothing more than a habit that you have to do away with. On the other hand, they can also show you that nothing can wean you away from that distraction. In a sense, they make choosing a lot easier because you get the idea of what you're leaving behind -- or throwing away -- as the case applies.

It doesn't sound fair to the rebound person but he or she can look at it as an act of goodwill for a troubled and broken person. The rebound somehow helped this person realize what he or she wants, and in a sense, healed him or her of the wounds brought by the original distraction.

In that sense, a rebound is an unsung hero... someone who should just go to Luneta and get shot for being such a martyr. But what the hey, at least there's another person who got better because of this selfless act.

my kind of store

2011-08-13T16:26:00.003+08:00

i could use one of her potions... i want my happily ever after someday. ;)

Old School Dining

2011-08-13T01:55:00.007+08:00

Mel's Drive-In at the Universal Studios reminds me of 50's Diner, an old-school diner in Baguio City which is still popular for its humongous (at least by my standards) sandwiches and yummy milkshakes. It's been ages since my last meal there. I don't think the waitresses wear roller skates to get around the restaurant these days considering that their new place is a lot smaller than the original branch near Abanao Square. But I seriously hope they retained the old fifties vibe with their poofy skirts and old school decor. I miss their strawberry milkshake with the cherry at the bottom of the glass. It's always been my favorite comfort food back in college.

I should plan a trip back to Baguio soon. :)

Majulah, Singapura

2011-08-12T12:44:00.003+08:00

I wish our Philippine Independence Day celebrations were this well-attended.

one scorching hot friday afternoon

2011-08-10T23:44:00.003+08:00

I must be the only person in the neighborhood crazy enough to brave the heat... just to get chicken at Popeye's

love love love ^-^

2011-08-10T23:40:00.003+08:00

i mishu

2011-08-09T20:48:00.003+08:00

'sabi ng ngongong nakakita ng piso'

Humans have this tendency to long for things and people who are not around and ignore the ones right under their noses. Proximity makes it easier for us to take things for granted because there's this assumption that they will always be there.

We are all creatures of habit. We find a false sense of security in consistently going about certain things in a particular way. We are used to waking up to an alarm clock every morning, passing through the same road to work and making practically the same stops on the way home.

We also affect the people around us in certain ways. In a sense, some people develop in us a habit that we find it difficult to break away from. Sometimes, we find it ridiculous that these people do the same things each time. Little do we know, they are already conditioning our minds to accept that such things will be consistent fixtures in our lives. We now expect that they are going to happen whether we like it or not.

The problem comes when they suddenly stop whatever they're doing. Then we start longing for these things. It starts to feel like you're missing something important, like brushing your teeth or combing your hair, just because this particular detail in your day is missing. You start to wonder why it's not coming and why nothing's happened yet. And then you try to puzzle out what you should do about it. Do you make that active effort to bring that thing back? Do you just let it be and think that this is as far as it can possibly get?

You puzzle and puzzle until your brain cells are sore from all that wondering. Then, you decide to just give it a rest and break away from the habit of expecting this thing everyday. But you realize that, yes, habits are tough to break. You will still long for that thing that's supposed to be part of your day and when it doesn't come, you just start feeling down.

You deny that it has come to affect you so much so you try to be happy. But you're still sad deep inside because you know that until that thing comes back and your habit is continued, you won't be completely happy. Even answering the question about why you're weirdly unhappy is not enough to cheer you up.

Sometimes, logic doesn't really cut it but you still hope that it's enough to help you move forward and wean out the habit.

of x's, y's and z's

2011-08-07T10:54:00.004+08:00

A breakup consists of two parties: the one who leaves and the one left behind. The former gets to call dibs on the opportunity to end the relationship while the abandoned is just, well... screwed up without a clear knowledge of why he or she is so. Of course, there are some cases when breakups are mutually agreed upon by both parties but then, someone still has to call it quits first; ergo, we still have the dumper and dumpee albeit without the melodrama of the screwed up.

Both parties will get hurt -- the dumper because he or she had to make the difficult decision to call it quits and the dumped because he or she is screwed. And this is why one always seeks to be the dumper and not the dumpee in a relationship that is careening towards a horrible demise.

Throughout their existence, or at least throughout the moving on period, both parties will be terribly aware of each other's existence - the dumpee even more so because he didn't really have a say in the breakup. The dumper just sort of served it to him without asking him if he wants to swallow it. The dumpee will naturally find it difficult to move on unless some sort of closure (that his psyche understands and accepts as truth) happens.

And so months, even years after the relationship has ended, the dumpee will still be in the power of the dumper unless he finds it in himself to move on and completely get out of this rut.

You know that there's trouble brewing when the dumper starts to come back into the dumpee's circle of existence. It's like drugs to the dumpee. He goes on some form of relapse and thinks that there may be a way for them to get back together. He starts to feel better and to hope that maybe, just maybe, they can start over.

There can only be a power shift between the dumper and dumpee in two instances: one, when the dumpee realizes that the dumper is seriously not worth his time because she can't seem to make up her mind about whether or not to be with him and finally moves on and two, when the dumpee takes on the role of the stalker -- a rather creepy act to play but nonetheless just as powerful as the former.

The latter is the exact same thing that Filipino dramas are usually made of -- the dumpee's revenge. The dumper doesn't know when the dumpee will strike, if he's ever going to strike. His revenge can take the form of harassment, appeals to the dumper's pity and even going so far as acting like a blithering idiot. It wouldn't really do him any good to do this and everyone around him knows this for a fact but he doesn't care. He wants to become a nuisance to the dumper and so he becomes one. Control gets into his hands because he somehow dictates the dumper's behavior - i.e. avoiding the places that they might bump into each other, changing the locks in her apartment, changing her phone number and plainly just trying to ignore his texts and calls.

How do you end the seemingly vicious circle of power shifts? I have no idea. I just have to get this out of my head so I can go back to work.

Southern Ridges Walk

2011-08-05T23:56:00.003+08:00

The only advise I got from Kent Ridge Park...

and I was hoping to meet monkeys and other wildlife...

the only exciting thing that happened was getting lost...

It should have warned me about that... tsk tsk.

child's play

2011-08-05T13:01:00.002+08:00

i just want to kick off my shoes and play in the sand

2011-08-05T12:54:00.003+08:00

If you want to know how the water feels, don't just dip your toes, plunge right in....

or something like that....

I think I read that somewhere...

oh well.

mera's first shot

2011-07-08T00:12:00.003+08:00

tradition and modernity... can they thrive in the same world?

wouldn't it be great....

2011-07-08T00:02:00.004+08:00

if we all had someone who will walk with us?

seriously, i'm back

2011-07-07T20:18:00.004+08:00

...from a blogging hiatus, that is. It's been a while since I posted anything on this space and I blame Facebook and Twitter for that.

I've taken to reading seriously heavy stuff again... just started with the autobiography of Benazir Bhutto and I have a book of essays by Aung San Suu Kyi and a book by Lee Kwan Yew on my wait-list.

Thanks to online shopping, I also managed to get hold of a few titles by Michel Foucault. Yes, I would like to pretend that I'm some sort of intellectual when in truth, I just need the company on my long train rides to and from the office.

Chinatown Singapore

2011-07-07T20:13:00.002+08:00

i'm back!

2011-02-06T09:32:00.003+08:00

holiday is over...

my last thought (well, one of them anyway) before i went to bed last night was that i'm back... i'm definitely back. i've made the resolve to start easing back to the creative world and to the things that i enjoy doing.

i don't expect to be great at it. i know that going on a hiatus for a year will affect my writing skills. i was never one to believe that i'm great at this craft but going for a whole year with little to no contact with the creative world could mean that i've lost the connection altogether.

it's scary to think that i may not even have anything to go back to. for years, i thought of writing and being creative as my life. how do you wield the pen again after putting it down for a long time?

all i know is that i'm ready to end my holiday and go back to my pen and paper (and camera, and drawing board). hopefully, the whole year's rest did a lot of good to my brain. i'm looking forward to starting all over again.

mirrors and cauldrons

2011-01-05T23:10:00.003+08:00

It's basic human nature to look for someone who's like us in so many ways. We tend to lean towards people whose interests mirror those of ours. Our friends, in a sense, share our likes, dislikes, pet peeves and favorites. Yes, birds of the same feather do flock together.

We enjoy being in the company of those who are into the same kind of stuff that puts a twinkle in our eyes. It's like finding a kindred spirit - someone who understands exactly what we want to say before we even utter the words.

Is such the same for love? Are we also drawn to that person who mirrors us in many ways?

In theory, mirror images are perfect for each other. They share the same interests. For some reason, they have the same mannerisms and quirks even when they were raised in completely different environments. Mirror images are two people who, without really talking about it, end up ordering the same thing when they eat out or having the same compulsion to think and reorganize their thoughts at the end of the day.

The good thing about being alike is that you understand the other person's quirks and you don't find them stupid or strange. In a sense, you respect these flaws because they are also your own. You don't have to argue about what movie to watch because you'll end up choosing the same one anyway. You enjoy each other's company because you think alike in so many ways.

But the problem with mirror images is that they are too predictable. When you look at the mirror, there remains the expectation that you'll see the same eyes, lips, ears and mole on that forehead. It's predictable. You know your eyes are still intact because your vision is still okay. You know that there's a pimple on your nose because you felt it a few seconds ago. You take it for granted that the reflection is going to be the same as the real person. You have taken comfort in the thought that you will always want the same things. And you do.

Predictability is boring. Perfect is boring. When you're too much alike, there's no room for surprises. It's frustrating because you try to do something different and yet your mirror image still does the same thing as you do. It will raise its hand when you raise yours, make a face when you contort your own face, smile when you smile. It's BORING.

Rather than wishing for someone who shares the same interests and personality, it's better to look for the cover to your cauldron. A pot and its cover are different in so many ways yet they fit each other perfectly. They are opposites, yet they complement these differences. They are perfect in their imperfections.

It's better to be with someone different yet complementary. Monochromes are great but they can border on the monotonous when overused.

when there's such a thing as being too rested

2010-11-15T00:59:00.002+08:00

I can't sleep.

It's 1:00AM. I've turned in three hours ago but sleep eludes me tonight. It's probably because I've spent most of my weekend on horizontal to deal with a migraine attack. It's a good thing that I'm feeling better now as I'll have to go back to work tomorrow - or in a few hours, that is.

I think I overdid it on the rest and relaxation. I'm well-rested, re-energized and relaxed. I'm ready for the new week ahead. But to get there, I have to sleep. And here I am typing away instead.

Several different thoughts are running through my head. I'm thinking of what-if's and possibilities that can only become real if I do something about them. When the mind is relaxed, it is more receptive to ideas. And boy, do I have a lot of them right now.

I wish I could turn off the ideas for tonight so I can get some sleep, though.

the bag lady is back

2010-11-06T22:16:00.002+08:00

I came to Singapore with just two bags: a small shoulder bag and a bigger mailman bag.

After eight months, I realized one thing...

Bags can give birth to new bags. Seriously. Gestation period is just less than four weeks. And they can bring forth various designs and brands even.

When I moved back from Manila to my parents' house, I swore I would remember those tedious moments when I had to lug all my bags and shoes back to Angeles City in large boxes. I promised never to buy bags or shoes again.

Whatever happened to that promise?

Nothing, it seems, as my cabinet is beginning to fill up with a fresh collection of bags and shoes. Singapore is a shopper's haven in that you can find practically anything in this city. Of course, the prices in Manila are still a lot better. But a walk down Orchard Road still feels like a walk in heaven (or purgatory depending on the state of your bank account). There are just so many beautiful things to see that it feels like a sin not to spend a few dollars on new shoes or a bag.

I've become the quintessential shopaholic.

It's a good thing I'm not that interested in designer brands. I don't feel the craving for an LV or a Balenciaga... at least not yet. While I think they are good investments, I also don't see the point in splurging on one when I can have dozens of beautiful bags for the price of a really tiny clutch from these stores.

Anyway, it seems that I'm at it again. The bag lady is definitely back.

But then again, so is the shoe princess. :)

it's a new me

2010-10-30T21:38:00.004+08:00

Well not quite... but I'm on my way to an improved version at the very least.

I've decided to start investing on my own personal image. In other words, be a bit more vain.

In the past, I never really cared about how I looked. True, I enjoyed shopping for clothes and shoes and other girly stuff but I never worried about how other people would perceive me. I didn't exert the extra effort to dress up and be my best self everyday [especially if it meant losing thirty more minutes of sleep].

Yesterday, however, I've decided it's time to grow up and start thinking of my image. Which explains why I got a new pair of shoes.

I got my first pair of cross trainers.

I've never bought sports shoes before and being a novice at this area, I've decided to go for the safest choice and spent on cross trainers. I'll probably get running shoes later on but this is going to be the closest I'm going to get in terms of sports. I have always recognized the importance of staying fit and healthy and I thought being part of the hundreds and thousands of people who are now into running would be a great step towards the even more fabulous me.

Next, I started paying attention to skin and hair care. Shampoo and conditioner simply aren't enough now. I have to have some sort of hair treatment product that will keep my mane from getting damaged -- not that it's a big problem considering that I've never really worried about split ends. But I've been spending so much time with the ceramic iron every morning that I thought, you can never be too careful.

Then, there's skin care. I'm definitely starting to acquaint myself with those skin care solutions and facial care products. No, I still refuse to wear make-up but I'm now okay with making sure I washed my face and put on moisturizer daily and not only when I remember to. My feet will also need a bit of pampering so I also got those things that you use to remove dead skin cells.

Vanity, oh vanity

So why this sudden change?

During my run tonight, I thought of the main reason why I'm starting to go through all this trouble to improve my self. I mean, I'm pretty enough and quite fabulous as I am -- *glaring at those who dare oppose* -- but I thought I'm definitely not getting any younger. I'm turning 27 and in a few years, I'll reach the big 3-oh. I have to work towards being a 30-something who is even more fabulous than my twenty-something self.

It all boils down to vanity.

And probably better health... I'm getting proper exercise that goes beyond walking around the malls and wondering what to buy. I'm still not conscious about what I eat but at least, I get to burn the calories by running.

In the next few months, I plan to monitor the progress of my self-improvement plan. More than the results of this new effort, I'm interested in how long I would actually last in this new regime.

of locals, PRs and foreigners

2010-08-23T20:58:00.003+08:00

There are three basic types of people who live in Singapore: the foreigners (like me) who came to the country for work, the foreigners who settled in the country and became permanent residents and the locals -- people who were born and raised in this country. It's easy to assume which ones are local and which ones are the foreigners. In the MRT, the locals are most probably the ones who keep to themselves and almost always never smiles.

The company where I am employed is mostly composed of foreigners. It's like a small United Nations office. I'm the only Filipino. There are two Americans, one Canadian, an Indian, a Sri Lankan, an Englishman, and a Romanian. There's only one Singaporean -- another admin staff like me.

The good thing about this workplace is that there's no discrimination because we're essentially on equal footing. The best part of it is we can talk about the locals at length and not worry about hurting anyone's feelings. My Singaporean colleague is perfectly fine with it. If we have to ridicule the country, though, we take care to make sure that she's off for the day or she's nowhere within earshot -- just as a matter of courtesy, I guess.

Anyway, one of our favorite topics is how the locals almost always never smile. With the exception of my colleague, I have yet to meet a Singaporean who will volunteer a smile to a stranger. They are just too engrossed with their lives to care about anyone else. They don't even make eye contact. Most of them just look straight ahead without even so much as a glance towards the people around them.

The Filipinos are a lot different, though. It might be because I'm one that I feel like my kababayans stick out like a sore thumb. In any public area -- the MRT, restaurants, sidewalks, etc -- it's always the Pinoys who tend to look around instead of minding their own business.

Foreigners are either employment pass holders or permanent residents. I am allowed to stay in the country on the condition that I stay employed. Just like thousands of other overseas Filipino workers in this country, I am here for the so-called greener pastures that Singapore has to offer. But unlike other Pinoys, I don't have a melodramatic past. I'm not here because I have siblings to support through college nor am I the breadwinner in my family. I'm just me -- a young urban professional who treats Singapore like Manila... a workplace. I'm not exactly a success story worth an hour's episode of Maalaala Mo Kaya.

Then there are the Permanent Residents. They hold practically the same set of privileges and responsibilities as the locals although they smile more. These are the people who have chosen to stay in Singapore for a longer period and raise their families here. The only thing is that they are not yet ready to forfeit their natural citizenship in lieu of the red passport that says Majulah Singapura on it. In Singapore, there is no such thing as dual citizenship. It has to be one or the other. And due to nationalistic ideals, some people choose to stay as Permanent Residents in this country rather than embrace it as their own -- which is kind of weird considering that they have stayed here long enough to actually adopt the culture (or lack thereof) and their children can only speak Singlish and only know of Tagalog from TFC. Of course, I only speak of the Pinoy PRs. There are also the Indians, Chinese and who knows what other nationalities have decided to call this country their home but not quite.

It's too early to tell whether I'll ever stay an employment pass holder for the rest of my stay here or actually switch to Permanent Residence or even junk my maroon passport and become Singaporean. Who knows what the future holds? For now, I'll just stay like the rest of 'em foreigners -- people who choose to work in a country that they find weird because of its endless list of rules and laws and bubble gum bans.

so far so good

2010-08-23T20:51:00.002+08:00

Work has been quite interesting so far. It's not the kind of stuff that I'm familiar with but I'm learning. This is the first time I'm actually working as an office girl. It's my first ever desk job (not including the short-lived marketing stint that I had previously).

I thought admin work is so easy. I never imagined how demanding it could get. But I enjoy work now. I can even say that I'm actually having fun. :)

That being said, I can imagine staying in this company for more than a year. I might even break my own record and stay for three years.

It's not just the job itself. It's also the people. True, I have to work with difficult people sometimes but because the company is small, everyone is like family. We bicker. We don't agree on everything. But at the end of the day, things get resolved. I like it. And I'm beginning to enjoy living in Singapore again.