God, there is hardly anything on television during the summer and I’m losing my mind over it.  How do I fill my hours each evening?  Will I have to resort to … reading? 

The Television Editor over at Boston Now (as well as the author of a great column titled “Two Tivos to Paradise”) pretty much keeps me up to date on what summer shows premiere and when.  It’s pretty helpful, since I don’t know how to work my program guide or my DVR.  

Speaking of summer shows, I do have one favorite returning on July 21st — Hell’s Kitchen Season 6.  See video above of ex-Marine Joseph asking Gordon Ramsay if he wants to step outside.  I hope Gordon shoves a John Dory up this guy’s rectum.

Unfortunately, reality television will never be what it was when it was just a novelty.  Back then, people just were themselves, but then came the Omarosas of the world and now everyone secures an agent before they appear on these shows. 

Anyway, that’s enough for today.  I’m off to read.  Or … needlepoint.  Gag.

It doesn’t even seem possible that Jim Carrey is old enough to be a grandfather, but it’s the next role he’s slated for.

Carrey confirmed to E! News that his only child, 21-year-old Jane is expecting her first child with her longtime boyfriend, Nitro.  He’s in music — he fronts the band Blood Money — and his real name is Alex Santana, but can you just imagine the joy of learning that your daughter is knocked up by a dude who answers to Nitro?  Ah, young love.

Hey, does this make Jenny McCarthy a grandmother?  Because my mood will improve considerably if that’s the case.

Now that Mickey Rourke has rebounded and is probably somewhat flush again, it seems he’s throwing some of his newly-earned cash at his plastic surgeon … though I do find it near impossible that he’s actually paying someone to do this to his face.

Back in the ’80s, there was a show called Beauty and the Beast starring Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton.  Just from the title you can probably figure out the plot.  In a greatly abridged nutshell, Vincent the man-beast falls in love with Catherine the beauty and society doesn’t understand.

If you’re failing to see the connection, it is this:  Why is Mickey Rourke’s plastic surgeon turning him into Vincent the man-beast?

At a time when websites are closing down left and right GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s site that promotes spiritual betterment through buying quality cashmere, lives on. 

In her most recent entry, Gwyn acts like an ass by talking about what’s coming out of her ass.  If you eat healthy and take care of yourself — and you’d think that working out with Madge would qualify — you shouldn’t need to do a detox.  But she ballooned to a size four, so off to the colonic spa she went.  

Here are all the deets, so you and the rest of the masses can go on her detox plan.  Because really, who doesn’t want to be just like Goopaltrow?

“I am finishing the amazing three-week-long ‘Clean’ detox program,” the Oscar winner, 36, writes in her latest GOOP newsletter. “I feel pure and happy and much lighter.”

Paltrow, who earlier this year detailed a detox that she says helped her to shed unwanted holiday pounds, claims slimming down was her motivation this time, too. “I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly [sic] fun and delicious ‘relax and enjoy life phase’ about a month ago,” she writes.

Paltrow turned to cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger for advice. His tips included avoiding processed foods and allergens and eating organic, as well as “[making]] time for ‘detox-enhancing’ habits such as sauna, massage, hot and cold baths and skin brushing,” he writes. “All of these improve circulation and increase perspiration, which help fuel your body’s natural cleansing system.”

For Paltrow, the best part of the program may have been her sense of renewed energy. “This program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox,” she says. “I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders.”

Oprah is working on a Brady Bunch reunion — and no, I don’t know why — and all surviving members are on board, except one.  According to Marsha, Marsha, Marsha (or, whatever, actress Maureen McCormick), Eve Plumb (Jan) won’t be attending. 

McCormick blogged:  “All of us said yes except for one person, Eve Plumb, who used to be my best friend but now apparently wants to distance herself from the show and, most troubling, from me … I have no idea why, unless she’s mad at the joke I made a few years ago that we’d had a lesbian love affair. I made the crack to be funny — and for shock value. I’m sorry if she took offense.”  Yeah, Maureen McCormick actually made the “joke” last year, just in time for the release of her autobiography “Here’s the Story.”  I’m sure it helped her sell a few books.

Plumb’s agent replied to the blog by stating, “No one from Oprah called. We haven’t turned down anything. There is no feud.”

The most shocking part of this whole story?  Eve Plumb has an agent.

Brooke Shields is heading to the big screen and let me tell you, this is going to be a good movie.  When I say “a good movie” I mean “a funny movie.”  And when I mean “a funny movie” what I really mean is “sooooo damn funny that such a piss-poor movie was ever produced.”  Even the title is bad.

Brooke has signed on to costar with Brendan Fraser in a movie called Furry Vengeance and no, it’s not porn.  As if the mere presence of Brendan Fraser wasn’t synonymous with box office gold, check out this plot:  Fraser’s character goes to battle with a gang of raccoons when he infringes on their territory.  The raccoons get mad and start plotting against him.  Oh, the hilarity!

When we get a release date on this flick, you’ll probably want to start advance ordering your tickets to avoid standing in the lines that are guaranteed to wend around the corner of your local theater.

You know that you’ve spent too much time researching celebrities when you start to recognize their re-dos of outfits.  Lily Allen is currently really into a black and white tunic that’s spending time in her closet.

She wore it on June 22nd to Nobu.

She wore it on July 1st walking on the streets of London.

She wore it — kinda — last night at the MontreuxJazz Festival in Switzerland.

Someone, get this girl some new clothes!  Preferably, something that fits!

Michael Jackson’s dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein continued his media tour yesterday, appearing on CNN’s Larry King Live. 

Obviously, he was asked again if he was the parent of any of MJ’s children, and again he gave a total non-answer.  In this interview, Dr. Klein admitted that he once donated sperm to a sperm bank but notto Michael Jackson directly.  He won’t just say “No, I’m not the father.”  And the reason for that?  Well, nothing has been announced yet, but I suspect a book deal is in the works.

Jump, to confirm that Dr. Arnold Klein is actually the gatekeeper of The Wizard of Oz.

You’ll remember that Emma Watson flashed her underwear at the Harry Potter London premiere the other day.  Last night she appeared on Late Show with David Letterman to explain the wardrobe malfunction.  And, you know, Emma Watson is very charming and beautiful and gracious, but while watching this clip I had only one question that kept running through my mind:  Is her underwear showing?  Again?

We weren’t really speaking of perverts, but it sounds like we are now.

Morgan Freeman and his wife Myrna split in December, 2007 after 24 years of marriage.  A new report is out that claims Morgan and his wife had an open marriage and each pursued relationships outside the marriage.  You know, I have never understood open marriages.  I think it’s fine to schtup a bunch of people if that’s what you want, but why be married?  To experience the joy of joint tax returns and time with the in-laws?  Makes.  No.  Sense.

As it turns out, Morgan was having a ten-year affair with his step-granddaughter.  To put it in perspective, this young woman named E’Dena Hines is the biological granddaughter of Morgan Freeman’s first wife, but Freeman and his second wife helped raise her.  To furtherput the situation in perspective, ten years ago — when this affair allegedly began — E’Dena was 17 and Morgan was 62.  The year he became eligible for Social Security, she worked on getting a high school diploma.

The way the National Enquirer tells it, these two are planning on getting married.  Maybe they’ll have a daughter and Morgan can fix her up with, like, Ben Vereen.

Above is a picture of the — gag — couple at the Dark Knight premiere a year ago.  This just looks like normal, grandfatherly love … not, “I Bent You Over The Sofa Last Night” love.  Right?

The city of LA — already half a billion bucks in debt — shelled out another $1.4 mil to throw the biggest memorial bash in recent memory for Michael Jackon.

Matt Szabo, a spokesman for Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, hailed the tally a success. He said it was “far less” than the initial estimate of $4 million.

The amount included $1.1 million in overtime pay for the 4,173 officers who worked to secure Staples Center, Forest Lawn cemetery and other areas that attracted fans and members of the media, the Police Department said in a statement. The remaining amount covered traffic control, cleanup and other costs. Part of those “other costs” were lunches for the cops, which were supplied by a restaurant 80 miles outside LA and cost $49,000.

But here’s the best part — they were prepared to have 250,000 people converge on downtown streets for the service. In the end? Only 1000 showed. I guess people really would rather watch this insanity from the comfort (and safety) of their own living room. Some common sense from the American masses? I neer thought I’d see the day.

Take a deep breath and allow yourself to be open to the possibility that Eddie Furlong’s 3-year marriage to 25-year-old Rachael Bella didn’t stick. Because it’s true. It may rock the very foundations of your world to hear this, but, if it’s any consolation, it’ll be a lot harder on their 3-year-old son Ethan.

Furlong is currently 31 years old. He’s been working steadily since his Terminator days, but nothing very big.

Oh, and just for fun: Remember when he used to date Natasha Lyonne? Mannnn that must have been a good year to sell crack in LA.