And as I expected, her problem centered around one thing - finding good people. 

If there is one universal thing that plagues small businesses, that is it.  While working with IM guru Rich Schefren, I had the opportunity to survey literally thousands of small business owners, and employee issues always topped the charts.

The truth is that finding, and more importantly, managing people is really really hard.  No mention of it is ever given in any specialty classroom (lawyer, doctor, engineer, etc) and even in business schools where you have entire semesters dedicated to management, it’s always centered on softball subjects with little or no application in the real world. 

After all, working relationships are relationships just like anything else.  And people are complex F’rs.  For 99% of the population, work is something a lot more than your paycheck.  Nobody wants to feel like they are selling their soul for $15 bucks an hour.  Even the ‘tard on the fryolator at Burger King. 

And those ‘tards are the ones I want to talk about. Because for the vast majority of you small business owners out there, you are not hiring VP’s with years of experience and a $200k price tag like me - You are hiring the college kid, housewife/husband looking for some extra cash, or the person, sans-doctorate from Stanford,  to help answer phones or file paperwork. 

And this same exact boat my friend is in. 

Now we have already established that I am a lazy bastard, and “unconventional” would be a polite way to describe me.  But I also do have a background in psychology, am a pretty good natural leader, and my particular style allows me to push people much harder than anyone has a right to, and still be somewhat respected by my team later. 

Yes, I have fired people.  Yes I have had people quit because they didn’t like me. But, I think you would find that as a general rule, my teams kick ass, my teams really like what they do, and my teams would speak well of both me and what we were able to accomplish together. 

So how do I do it?  

I treat them all like human beings and make sure they know what their job is - From the highest paid executive, to the lowest paid assistant.  Profound isn’t it?

Finding good worker bees

 I’ve discovered that the trick isn’t finding good people.  It’s making those people good.  Let’s face it, anybody, even the most stone-stupid mother F’rs can alphabetize.    So how is it that my friend can’t find a damn person that can just do their job and file legal documents correctly? 

My guess is this:  It’s not that they can’t alphabetize, it’s that they could give a shit about doing it correctly.  And that’s not an employee problem, it’s a manager problem.  (Granted, it is possible that this person is just an idiot, but having 3 in a row tends to make me think otherwise)

The difference between senior muckedy-mucks and lowbies

I’ve noticed that a lot of managers spend a considerable amount of time thinking about what makes their executives happy and productive.  What motivates them, what they are looking to get out of a job, what their career path is.  But what I have also noticed is that once you hit the “glass floor,” (which is usually around the coordinator or assistant level in a big corporation) , managers tend to see people as a hired hand who is just there to collect a paycheck. 

But if you take a step back and get rid of the corporate hierarchy and just look at Sally the VP and Bob the Assistant out of the context of work, are they any different?  They both have lives, other responsibilities, aspirations, problems, dreams, careers. 

Now it may be because I grew up really poor, but I can relate to the worker bees.  I know exactly what it is like to feel like people see you as expendable, or the look in their eyes when they think your only use to society is to do a menial task just to pay your bills.  After all, YOU are the one who took the job for $12 an hour as a file clerk, and if you wanted more out of your puny life and had any ability at all, you would do it right? Wrong.  Remember, even in my own Rockstar case, after I had graduated with my MBA in the Top 3 of my class, I was still working at a 24 hour convenience store shilling gas and 2% milk until I landed my big break 6 months later. 

Trust me, I know that some people do fall into that “slacker” category their whole lives.  But that also does not mean that they like it, haven’t dreamed of more, and don’t have the potential to do more 

At a bare minimum, everybody wants to feel like they are doing something of value. 

And sticking files in a cabinet just don’t cut it.

Tip 1: So what if their job IS just to Stick Files in a Cabinet?

This is where it gets hard, and most managers fall short - YOU have to motivate them.  And your immediate response is that “I don’t have the time to make sure than some dude making $15 bucks an hour is happy about their job.”  And my response is, well, then your employee is gonna suck. 

It’s that plain and simple.  If you don’t challenge, motivate, and listen to ALL of your employees, your business will ultimately suffer for it.  Now, I know first-hand how counterproductive this sounds.  Your time is worth $200 an hour, and theirs is worth $15, so even logically this makes no sense. 

My answer is threefold.  First, once you discover what makes them tick, motivating them  appropriately probably won’t take too much time. Second, it only takes 1 pissed off employee screwing up things at exactly the wrong moment to royally screw something up for you.  And third, I have found than in many, many cases, your employees become so good at what they do, it actually takes YOUR game up a notch or two. 

So my advice to you:  Listen to them, find out what makes they tick, what interests them, what motivates them (cash will always come up, but in my experience, is NEVER anything more than a short-term improvement) 

Once you know what works for them, find out a way to incorporate that into the dullest, suckiest  parts of their job.   A perfect example would be a bright but bored clerk who spends 3 hours every day putting files in a cabinet.  Who WOULDN’T want to kill themselves and everyone around them with a sawed off shotgun after doing that for a few years. 

My recommendation would be to put them in charge of a project to come up with a new system to make your filing better.  More efficient, more accurate, whatever.  Have them analyze what they do, give them the inside dirt on what exactly you do with those files (making them feel more connected to something important that happens as a result of their work) and then entrust them with finding a way to make it better.  (giving them a sense of pride that their ideas are not only valuable but better than yours!) 

Once the project is complete, not only do you hopefully have a better system, but you also have an employee who now has a sense of pride in “their” system, they will also feel like they fit into the big picture in a lot more prominent way, and you can guarantee that things will be done right.  After all, something screwed up now is a direct failure of the system they built, and in turn a direct failure of them. In short, they got skin in the game.

Tip 2: Let them know what is expected of them and where their position fits in 

This is the second biggie I see all the time in startups - and if you are ever lucky enough to grow your business, it’s a show stopper. 

When most small businesses decide to hire someone, it’s usually because they are overwhelmed, not the result of a strategic growth plan.  An employee is hired because “There just aren’t enough hours in a day to get it all done.” 

So they put out an ad for “administrative assistant” or office manager, or whatever.  The ad usually reads something like this 

“Part time help needed for growing Legal office.  Responsible for filing, answering phones, and clerical work.  Computer knowledge required.  Friendly office and competitive salary.”   

You then find someone, hire them, and realize a month into it that either that person is an idiot, or just not the right person for the job. 

But if you stop to ask why, the usual response is that the employee was doing it wrong or their attitude sucked.  I then ask, well did you ever explicitly state how to do it right? Did you ever give them a job description to know exactly where they end and you begin?  Did you ever explicitly tell them how their role fits into the big picture? 

And the usual response is “How retarded do you have to be to not be able to figure out how to file a folder?  You don’t even need to KNOW the alphabet, its printed on the friggin folder”  (My friends tend to be a bit blunt : ) 

And one the surface that makes sense….but… 

Chances are that you have been doing things so long yourself, that many things just come second nature to you.  I mean it’s obvious than Cindy Duncan is filed in the same place as Hawthorne Dental.  Isn’t it?  Or that Joan Blackheart is the head of Blackheart, Smith, and Williams CPA’s.  I mean duh? 

Or that the fact that the legal briefings you had them look up go with the other briefings in the folder.  After all when you go into court, it’s obvious you will need them in chronological order, and not just thrown in the file, because that’s how you present them.  Anybody knows that. 

Except that the person you hired has never been in court, has no idea what the briefings are, never mind what they are for, and could care less in either case.

The point is that even the most mundane of jobs requires a detailed explanation.  You probably like things done a certain way for a reason.  Tell them that reason.  More importantly, let your employees know HOW and WHY they are important - what you use them for, what gets fucked up if they are not right, and exactly how you will castrate them if it’s wrong.

Specific job descriptions and responsibilities. 

In my experience, the best way to guarantee nothing gets done is to have two people do it.  If that occurs one of two things will happen.  First, an animosity will grow between employees.  Inevitably, one will be more aggressive and take the initiative, making the other person feel like they are wasting their time and pissed when the other gets praise for it.  Or, they will see that the other employee is doing it, and as a result, neither finish.   

There is no problem having people work on their own parts of a project, but you have to be painfully clear on who is doing which part, and when they have to work together make sure that it is on an equal footing. 

In an office setting, you may have 2 administrative assistants.  They are both required to cover the phone, research, file records, set up meetings, greet customers, ect.  Well, what if Jane is researching a document that has to be on your desk in 15 minutes, Joe is on the phone setting an important meeting, and a customer walks in the door.  Who stops?  Which task takes priority?  

These things need to be made explicitly clear, because if the ball drops, you have nobody to blame but yourself, and ultimately, it’s your ass on the line.

The Moral of the Story

My final advice is this:  Don’t treat people like shit.  Realize that while you are paying them to do a job, it does not mean you own them.  You can TELL them what to do, but I think you will find they do the absolute bare minimum if they do stick around.  You are always so much better finding out what makes them tick, and then using that persons unique skills, interests, and goals to help them motivate themselves.  It’ takes a little more time, but as I said, I almost always end up with something better than I could ever hope to have done myself.  

 I also fully understand that you are a busy camper yourself.  After all, you hired someone to help you. 

Just realize that a little time spent figuring out exactly what YOU want, taking the time to communicate it, and then taking the time to make sure that those around you have everything they need to become their own version of a Rockstar, is always time well spent. 

…and if you can’t or won’t, then hire me. I’ll take half of what you make as a result of my efforts, but then again, you won’t have to worry about how to get your new office boy to stop taking copies of his penis and faxing them to his friends.  I’ve already had that one : )

Be Cool. 

JJ

I drove up to put out some fires yesterday, and as I sit here, I’m in worse shape than I thought I was. What I thought would be a quick and easy solution has ended up being more complicated and costly than I had planned.  The fact that I now live 3 hours away just makes things exponentially more difficult.  I’ve basically wasted 2 days, have nothing to show for it, and all because of  the perils of getting things done when you are not there to take care of it personally. 

Virtual teams or remote work can be a pain in the ass sometimes.  I forget about that as I am usually surrounded computers, high speed connections, and basically any tool I may need at my disposal.  The problem is that if everybody on the team does not have those tools, or if you have access to only SOME of those tools, it can be PAINFULLY unproductive.  Furthermore, sometimes the coolest technology is just no match for being there and seeing what is F’d up with your own eyes. 

I have led several virtual teams over the years. At Anysoft, our developers and product managers were in Israel and Russia.  At Pitney, we had web teams literally around the globe. And a new project that I am thinking of launching has my partner in Chicago, me in FL, a possible lawyer in MA, marketing guys in Boston and Boca Raton, designers and developers in Miami, and consultants around the country. 

Man if had to visit in person to look over a friggin’ LAWN issue, than this new business might be tougher than I thought. 

I think I am going to set up some of my personal stuff as if it were a business group.  And that means instituting a few things I have learned over the years with regards to getting work done when all the players are in different places. 

Communications

This is really the most important one.  If you don’t have a set way of reliably talking with others, you’re screwed. For me, that has always involved email (preferably on the same client, or at least all knowing how the other systems work), some type of IM for instant communications, phone, fax (or preferably scan and email), some type of central repository for shared stuff, the same apps (whatever your group uses)  and I now also think some type of visual conferencing ability or at least the ability for people to send pictures and video immediately is an absolute  necessity. 

One of the keys to remote work is to OVERCOMMUNICATE.  Being a marketing and psych guy, I always over communicate anyway, but remotely you have to step it up even more.   Over the phones, things get missed.  Over email or IM, intentions can be misconstrued.  And when in relative isolation, what is usually a non-issue can become a giant ogre of a problem if left unattended and festering.

Expectations

Another biggie.  Nobody works the same. Nobody thinks the same.  But that does not mean that you can’t all be on the same page ALL the time.  When you set clear goals, in writing, for people to achieve, they do it.  One of the problems in remote work (especially from my perspective since I am usually the boss) is that people tend to slack when they are not being held to task.  “Not my problemism” creeps in pretty fast too.  It’s human nature, and I‘m certainly no different.  So prevent that by having due dates for EVERYTHING and a schedule for when project pieces will be handed off to each member.  Make it public, make it prominent, and have  painful consequences when missed. 

Also on the expectation front, set a planned schedule for communications as well. Especially when you are in different time zones, never mind different languages, things can get screwy FAST.  A daily catch up with all members, even if for only 5 minutes can do wonders for keeping a team together and on course.

Don’t underestimate the power of the visual

This one I have added more recently.  I have tried this several times over the years, and it has always sucked.  I don’t know if it was because the technology wasn’t ready, or because people weren’t accustomed to it, but it never really worked.    However, its worth the time to MAKE it work.  The thing is, visual ability is the closest thing you will be to actually being there.  And it means a hell of a lot in a lot of situations. 

I’m not talking about just videoconferencing.  I’ve found that by just having all players with a digital camera and the ability to send a bunch of pics helps out a ton as well.  My partner and I used to brainstorm on a whiteboard. We had someone transcribe it, or each player take their own notes, but something always got missed our screwed up in the process.  The solution?  We would just take a high res pic with a digital camera and print it out.  Ta da!  Worked awesome. 

To prove my point, let me explain my current lawn fiasco and how things could have been sooo much easier.   Put simply,  if my lawn guy had a camera, I would not have had to make this trip at all.  I could have told him over the phone that my mower was dead beyond repair, and I would have figured out an alternative solution from Sarasota.  It would have taken all of 10 minutes. 

Here is instead what happened.

 (Back-story, I traded my old big screen TV to a buddy who was going to maintain my lawn and pool while I was away and trying to sell the house.  He’s using all my equipment since he does not have any)

1. He called me and said the mower stopped working.  - belt was stretched beyond repair.  I said I would order one and have it shipped there.  I asked the model number and called Sears.

2. Sears said that the model number was not enough, they needed the specific number under the seat.

3. I called back and had him drive back to the house to get the number for me.

4. I called sears and ordered the part.

5. 6 days later the part arrives in G‘ville.  Lawn guy shows up on day 7 to install and do lawn. (back lawn hasn’t been done in 4 weeks at this point) 

7. Lawn guy calls me.  Sears apparently shipped wrong part.  Right on order, wrong in box.  I call sears and they apologize.  Said they will send right part when they receive wrong ones. (another 2 weeks before lawn can be mowed).  I tell them to just cancel order, and will go in person to the store in Gville to pick up part.

8.I tell lawn guy to box up parts, Sears will pick up. He goes home.

9..  I call parts store in Gville to see if they have belt in stock. Apparently they are no longer in business, tell me to call the 800 number and order it…awesome.

10. I finally find part in stock in a different local store in Gville.

11. I drive 3 hrs to gville to get it.  Both because lawn guy does not have the cash on hand to pay for it, also so I can make sure it is the right one and get this taken care of once and for all..

12. I get the part, get to the house and start to change the belt.

13. In the process I find something wrong.  Old belt is ok.  But apparently the blade housing has sheared off the deck, and that’s why its not spinning.  It’s not attached to anything anymore.

14. Seeing as how a new deck for a lawn tractor is about $1k, its really not worth me repairing, and since I am moving, it just don’t make sense for me to buy a new tractor for $2k.

15. I now have to find a lawn guy with his own equipment and pay $100 a month to have it done.

16. I now get to drive back to Sarasota.

17. During this ordeal I has also had a photographer scheduled to come take pics of the house for a virtual tour.  I had already pushed him back 3 times because of other lawn issues.  He was scheduled to come out the day we discovered the Sears sent the wrong parts.  I was never able to get in contact with him, so I can only assume that my $200 virtual tour will look pretty interesting with my fancily landscaped and lighted pool surrounded by a lawn that now looks like a cow pasture/rainforest.

This entire process took about 25 hours between the time on the phone, driving, and time just stuck in Gville waiting on crap.  And it all could have been avoided with a few pictures. (Before you say it, his camera phone is broken, so that goes back to the point that everybody needs to have the tools to get the job done)

Lessons Learned

Apparently nothing. I’m still an idiot.  I figured while I was coming to Gainesville, I would try to kill 2 birds with one stone.  As soon as I wrap this up, I’m heading over to one of my rental properties to collect the now 16-day-late rent check from one of my tenants, and to shampoo the carpet as I promised when he renewed his lease.  I used to have a property manager up here, but not only did they suck at finding new tenants, and suck at collecting rent, but they also kept any late fees from the tenant due to their suckiness.  I’ve since canned them and taken over myself since I figured I was still the one harassing this guy on a daily basis to pay his rent, I might as well keep the $300 in late fees he inevitably racked up every month.  This too is proving to be a challenge working remotely. 

I’m sure when I get over there I will find that either a. the locks have been changed and he is not there  b. my rug shampooer is no longer working, or c. there has been a fire at the complex and the entire thing has burned to the ground. 

I’m praying for “c.” 

Stay cool 

JJ

I have resumed work on a project with an old partner with the goal of spinning a new company with the same exact purpose as the company he is working for now.  The reason for doing it is simple. The consulting firm he works for now (from this point forward I will refer to them as SuckCorp) treats him and all other employees like shit, they treat their customers like shit, and since he runs the division, he has a pretty damn good idea how to do it better.

The Atrocity That is Our Competition

Here’s an inside story on just how F’d up our soon-to-be competition is.   I met with the very top guy of their “Customer Excellence” department.  I’ll just call him Executive VP of Denial.  When going through their customer records, I happened to notice that almost every file was marked with having a “CUSTOMER INCIDENT.”  Assuming I was just a ‘tard and misread something, I went through them again.  And yes, 28 of the 30 records I was looking at were marked in the same big red letters. 

I asked my buddy to set up a meeting with EVP Denial to get an idea of why this was showing up - surely there had to be some error.  I mean NOBODY has a 98% customer dissatisfaction rating.  For christ sakes, Hitler was more popular than that. 

When we sat to meet, I started by asking in my usual subtle fashion, “What’s up with these numbers?” 

In a pleasing tone (and he really did seem like a nice, if self-deluding  guy) he explained,  ” Oh no, that’s not unhappy customers, we just have a policy of marking a file if there has been an issue with the client.”  

To which I replied, “Well what defines an ‘issue’?” 

He then replied confidently, “Well it’s only if the client has refused to pay a bill, or requested another consultant, or had a problem with our telemarketing, or collection or something.” 

And for one of the few times in my life, I shut up.   I just didn’t know what to say.  So apparently someone thinking a consultant sucks and requesting another, refusing to pay, or being pissed for being constantly hassled isn’t and “issue” for them.  Just wow. 

And that was when I made the flip in my head that I am NOT working with this company, as I was debating taking a consulting gig with them to get this new division off the ground.  Not only that, but I decided to pull out my buddy so we could do this the right way.  In hindsight it might have also been that I found out that their employee retention after 6 months is 15% or that consultant’s call it “popping your cherry” the first time a client kicks you out or threatens to call the police if you don’t leave.  

Again. Just wow. 

So….If we combine their horrendously bad customer service with my modestly breathtaking marketing abilities,  I figure we got a pretty good shot competing with them.

My conundrum

The challenge I am currently working through is how to introduce ourselves.  We obviously want to target the same client list.  We also want to highlight the experience the team has, and want to try to use as many big name drops as we can (Having the IRS, several state governments, and a handful of well known Fortune 500 firms never hurts the marketing).  Unfortunately, they all come from the time the team worked at SuckCorp. 

In the process of my brain scraping, I called on a few friends to help me with my conundrum.  One of the folks I asked was Jay White, copywriter extraordinaire who helps develop copy for a lot of the big name IM (Internet Marketing ) gurus including Schefren, Filisaime, and I think Kern and Walker as well.  In addition to being a retardedly adept wordsmith, he is also just a really cool guy - and that’s 90% of the game in my book. 

Anyway, homoerotic adoration aside, Jay wrote back to me and his advice pretty much re-affirmed my original plan. He told me simply - just be honest.  It was just nice to hear it from another trusted source.  And coming from an IM guy where fluff, fibs, and spin reach atmosphere-breaking levels, it was a welcome surprise. 

I like to think of myself as a pretty honest, ethical guy.  I’ve walked away from not one, but two ridiculously well-paying gigs because I thought what the company was doing was shady. So to recap:  Sellout, absolutely. Scumbag, I try not to.  Subtle distinction. 

However, in business, and in marketing in particular, you are constantly walking a fine line.  Both for the purposes of greed, and believe it or not, the legality of what you are saying, - you sometimes have to censure things out.   Now I believe that a lie of omission is just as much a sin as a big flat out honker, so I have always strictly adhered to what I think I would want/need to know if I were the customer, and market accordingly. 

The difficulty in this case is that this plan requires me to do two things that I am not particularly comfortable with.  The first being talking shit (all of which really is verifiably true) about someone else.  The second being that I have to creatively wordsmith some stuff to sound like WE did it (which technically is true, our consultants did do the work) , when in actuality it was done while at SuckCorp.   You see my conundrum - honesty for a less than honorable purpose, and stretching the truth for an arguably  noble one.

The Plan

I am still early in the process, but I think my pitch is not going to be to badmouth the competition, but to over-emphasize our commitment to customer service.  Hopefully SuckCorp’s rep will speak for itself, and customers will come to their own conclusion  as to why we are doing it.  (which is always a million times more powerful than anything I can say to them).  That does put a lot of pressure on us to excel at service, but I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing, and truthfully, we could screw up pretty bad, and still be better than SuckCorp. 

In terms of introduction, I am going to say that we are a brand new company with the same seasoned experts who have (performed this service) for industry leading companies like namedrop, namedrop, and namedrop.  

Everything about the marketing will smack of building an ongoing relationship with our clients.  Not only is it true, but it’s a critical part of our business model where lifetime customer value is going to be used to offset upfront losses.  As we simply don’t have the capital or manpower (or inclination) to dump 500 telemarketers in a room to scour the phonebook for contacts, it’s gonna have to be.

 I think theirs is a shitty model anyway -  Anyone with business experience will tell you it takes approximately 10x more effort, time, and money to gain a new client than to keep an existing one,  an important fact that seems to be lost on SuckCorp.  Apparently their company motto is “Burn the f’n bridge, they are making new ones all the time…”  

As for the offering, we are basically gonna pull a Japanese de-engineer/reengineer on SuckCorps product.  Their service is truthfully pretty good, but its woefully out of date, and could be made a hell of a lot prettier and user friendly.  That part should be a no brainer. 

Lastly in terms of marketing, I’m also gonna pull out all the stops on affiliate programs.  Something I learned from my days in IM.  Get affiliates, pay them a sick cut, and let em loose.  In this particular arena that means I’ll be going after divorce and bankruptcy lawyers, insurance agents, retirement planners, and accountants.  Tell me those guys won’t drop a load in their panties when I tell them I am offering them a 50% commission. 

Yep, FIFTY percent.  Another trick I learned in the internet marketing world as well.  Let me explain: When you are selling a service that is VERY difficult to quantify, and relatively few people are doing it, you can charge people just about anything for it.  In fact, a higher price often makes if more desirable.  And since we are creating plans that will quite literally save or earn people 10x or more than they paid for it, it’s not too hard to justify the sale in their mind. I’m just gonna take SuckCorps price, bump it up enough to cover the commission split, and let my affiliates bring the contacts to me.  Slick, I know.  Do I know it will work? Not for sure, but I think it will. 

So that’s the basic plan at this point.  I’m tending to think it will do pretty well, but there is always the possibility it will flop, or SuckCorp will come after us with some pretty big legal guns.  But then again, that’s why I partnered with a lawyer and why god created limited liability corporations : )

The Proof

I’ve seen the David vs. Goliath battle play out in real life.  One of the first companies I cut my teeth at was eRoom technology in Cambridge.  They pulled a similar coup against Lotus and won their particular product battle (Lotus at the time was a monstrosity rivaling Microsoft, not the shell it is now)  Granted, eRoom had not only funding, but minds that dwarf mine in comparison including my original mentor and to-this-day one of the greatest marketing minds I have ever met, Francois Gossieaux, in the VP of Marketing role, but I’ll try to do ‘em proud.  I have the added advantage of the  fact that company I am fighting against basically sucks - abysmal service and reputation, antiquated models, and stone-age technology. 

All they got is size… and as my wife tells me on occasion, “Size doesn’t matter.”  Let’s hope she wasn’t lying to me.

I’ll let you know if how it goes.  Talk to you soon.

JJ

I’m over Twitter. Don’t get me wrong -  I still have it, I’m still collecting followers, and I still throw up a new tweet when I write an article.  But other than that, the twetals have fallen off the twose.

In case you live in a cave, or are my wife, Twitter is  “a  free social networking and micro-blogging service that enables its users to send and read each others’ updates, known as tweets. Tweets are text-based posts of up to 140 characters, displayed on the author’s profile page and delivered to other users - known as followers - who have subscribed to them.”

<– I KNEW Mr. Rogers was always after the Giant C*ck!

In noob terms, Twitter is like your Facebook status. Followers are kind of like your friends…but the ones you don’t really give a shit about or know personally.  Yeah, I mean the kid in high school in the cool crowd that picked on your when his friends were around but was nice to you when he was alone . Dick.

Why I originally liked Twitter

At first, I thought it was a killer app.  A great way to make new acquaintances with similar interests and a great way to follow up on what your friends are doing.  A couple of cool free tools out there like TweetDeck make it easier to organize tweets of those you follow and search for info.

Why I am really no longer a fan -The Popularity Contest, Hacks, and randomness

Twitter has become a popularity contest…and becoming more shady by the day.  Twitter etiquette usually implies that if someone follows you, you follow back in return. And there are dozens of mods to automate this process for you.  Combine that with the natural desire to have more and more people follow you, the twitter anonymity factor, and the fact that all the Internet Marketing gurus are always claiming that you want a giant “list” for marketing, and the ultimate result is hoards of people who know nothing about each other on each others “follower” list and an open door for spam abuse.

In addition, there is a new clever “black hat” technique that some of the shadier marketers have created to exploit the automatic return follow.  It goes like this.  A spammer runs a program that “follows” thousands of people.  A good percentage of those people (like me) have a mod that automatically follows them back.  The next day, the spammer runs another program that drops all those people they are following.

 The result - The spammer has a Twitter account that looks like this :  Following: 8  Followers: 15,483

At first glance, you must think that they must be some type of celebrity with so many people following what they have to say, and so very few that they follow themselves. … but nope, in truth it is a fat sophomore in a community college that lives in his moms basement and collects transformers figurines who just bought the latest IM guru course on “How to make $10 Million Dollars in 17 Seconds with my Ultra-Ninja Secrets!”

I’m perfect proof of this tactic.  I have probably pro-actively followed about 25 people EVER.  And yet I am following 779, and have 707 followers.  I’m guessing 400-500 may have come from the blog.  Others… I have no idea.  And I certainly haven’t signed up to follow 779

The Unweildyness

I can honestly tell you that I have not opened up twitter or tweetdeck in 2 months.  It’s just too cumbersome.  For every 1 person I’m actually friends with (read: give a shit what they say)  there are 100 other people posting updates on what HAS to be a 15 minute basis.

A random snippet from approximately 10 seconds of my twitter feed:

HomeChik: OMG. My dog is barking at the dog on TV.  Yawn.  

WorkAtHome: Is frugality about saving money or making you feel less guilty? http://cli.gs/Wg4aNU.  Yawn

ManvDebt: Free limited time offer on an “exlusive” new marketing tool. http://bit.ly/Hf0MC Yawn.

DanB:  LOL. Dude hitting himself in the face with a hammer.  http://bit.ly/Mt0MC  Ok, that one was funny.

The result?  About 3000-5000 new tweets a day -  That’s a conservative number, and I have a comparatively small follow list.  Imagine if you follow a few thousand people?

Talk about a frigging time waster.  Is anyone actually going to read all those?  Even if they were all useful (which is becoming less and less so thanks to the inevitable spam component) there still aren’t enough hours in a day to read all those and get anything done.

Why Facebook is my new Twitter, mySpace, and LinkedIn rolled into one

I have been using Facebook quite extensively lately.  I can still post updates on a regular basis, and I can still see my friends’ updates on a regular basis.  In addition, more and more people of my age (read: over 12) are signing up every day.  The fact that I have to approve every person before I become “friends” with them means that I only get updates from the people I actually listen to.

Now what about mySpace?  What about it?  Have you been there lately?  That’s perfect proof that giving users too much power is never a good idea.  The whole thing is a mess or migraine-inducing backgrounds, autoloading 17 random videos, unreadable text, crashing pages, and background music from the latest American Idol contestant at brain-melting volumes.  I’ll pass.   I already closed that account. (PS: Sadly, still the best place for musicians and band pages tho)

LinkedIn is still a great business tool, but with so many people now on Facebook, the controlled user experience (ie more professional, but still personal) and the clear social networking advantages that Facebook offers, I have to say that LinkedIn is drying up as well.

A quick rundown of apps/sites I like, and those that now blow:

Daddy Like:

• Facebook - Some things still confuse me, but getting better by the day. My goto spot for communication with people with value to me.
• Digsby - ALL Instant Messenger programs rolled into one including AIM, Yahoo, MSN, Facebook chat, Facebook statuses, AND Twitter updates (if you insist despite my warnings…’tard)
• Skype - Still a cool app. I have the phone plan and an actual physical phone hooked up to it. $25 bucks a year. Free calls to Dad in China, buddies in California, France and Germany? Priceless
• Rapidshare - At $10ish a month it ain’t cheap, but pretty much every movie, CD, ebook, and porn ever made has rapidshare links to it somewhere on the interweb.
• eFax.com - Don’t got a landline or want to deal with a fax machine?  Send faxes right from your PC and recieve them as an email.  Pretty nifty.  Free packages available too.  You get an actual phone number that people can fax to (can upgrade to your own 800 number as well for a fee). I tried to get 1-888-spankme but it was taken…damn.   

Now Lame:  (Not worth the time to link…figure it out if you must)

• Twitter - Spamnificient waste of time
• MySpace - Should come with a Prozac prescription
• RSS Readers - Just don’t have time. I just check a few blogs I like regularly.
• Google Alerts - Same as RSS. Not enough time. But still useful if I am researching a particular topic over a period of time.
• Monster.com - Man this site turned into a clusterfuck of ads, non-responsive pages, and tedious application processes. Networking and headhunters work better anyway.

Scum of the earth:

Ecost.com - Avoid these guys like the plague.  Shady don’t even begin to cut it. NEVER EVER buy anything from these guys.  Just burn your money instead if you have to.  Amazon.com is a great alternative and usually has all the same stuff at similar prices.

Till next time…be cool

And just in case your are remarkably shallow and didn’t at all get the point of this article…..Follow me on Twitter at EvilGeniusTV

If you DID pay attention, you can find me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/jj.kennedy  if you have something interesting to say, I might even friend you :)  I have a pretty small group of very close knit friends, so we will see

JJ

Been a while. Miss me? Nah, me either. <hug> 

When it comes to business, I’m cool, collected, professional, prepared, and able to make tough decisions at the drop of a hat.  Of course I am wrong sometimes, but I’m right more often than not, and I always have a plan B in place should that happen.

But when it comes to my own life and my own businesses, I’m a bit more complex (I think that is the PC word substitution for F*d up).  I am interested in SOOOO many things, that choosing the “right” path is always very difficult for me.  Combine that with the fact that I am a born slacker, and often the wheels of progress are carved into a square.

This article is as much for me as it is for you.  I have learned many lessons from business Yoda’s over the years, and my hope is that seeing this in print somewhere will help me step out of my own head (it’s loud in there) and see the advice as coming from a trusted advisor.

The slacker/workaholic paradox

I’m the first to admit I’m a slacker.  I have virtually no work ethic, I always look for the faster way to do things, and I get bored once I have figured out how to do something.  On the flip side, when I am into something, I am into it with all my being.  I literally get so excited that I can’t sleep.  On more than one occasion, I’ve finished a 2 week project in a few days.  If I go to bed and all these thoughts and ideas are swimming in my head, I know there is no way I am going to be able to sleep, so why bother?  That’s just how I roll with pretty much everything.  I have the dubious reputation of being the guy who “ruins everything” by doing it too much and making it no fun for anyone anymore.

My Conundrum…

I am in the process of packing up the house and moving a few hours down south to Sarasota, Florida.  My wife has FINALLY finished vet school and has accepted a job at a local ER clinic.  That means I have to choose between getting a “real” job somewhere, uprooting Evil Genius Interactive and starting over in a new location, or any of several other options.

Financially, we are ok, but could be better.  The missus will be bringing in some cash for a change, but it’s not gonna be enough to support 4 houses (my house hasn’t sold up here yet, and I have 2 rental properties, and now an apartment in Sarasota) and our current lifestyle, nevermind the $120k in school loans that will come-a-calling in 6 months. 

The last few years as a slacker has also emptied the once prodigious coffers quite dramatically.  I knew that going in, but seeing it is another thing J  In addition, most of my cash is tied up in assets that are in the shitter right now.  Real Estate, Stocks, 401k.  It’s there, but I’d be taking a HUGE loss if I used any of it.

Choices. Choices. Choices. Brain Splat.

As I said, I have no problems choosing a path and making decisions for a business.  I think  that because I am separated,  and only know what I choose to know, it’s all logic.  Easy.

But my conundrum is personal.  I know my backstory, I know my baggage, I know what I’d “like” to do, I know what I “should” do.  That makes decisions much tougher.  Combine that with my natural curiously about EVERYTHING and is becomes exponentially more difficult.

Right now these are the options I am looking at:

• 1. Restart Evil Genius Interactive down in Sarasota- target on marketing practices for all the local small business
• 2. Get a real job - meaning one I already know how to do. Unfortunately, everything I have seen down there are either entry level or in a different area of expertise. Plus not big on the whole 9-5 monotony thing.
• 3. Starting a new business - Have a few prospects that range from building a business with my old Real Estate partner to possibly setting up a upscale kennel/doggy day care now that the missus is a vet (sick marketing advantage) and we are moving to an area with lots of old people and disposable income.
• 4. Go back to school - More options here. PhD in business, MS in programming, or something in AI/Neurotechnology.
• 5. Try a new job - Think I would enjoy being a professor or being a business columnist
• 6. Get a play job - Love bartending and playing as a musician in small clubs. Don’t make much compared to what I used to, but the missus will be bringing in cash for a change too, so not necessary to make $250k a year anymore.

See?  That’s a lot of frigging options, and I haven’t listed all the crazy ideas that run through my head. Trust me, I’ve thought a lot about all of these options and examined the benefit/cost of each. 

Action Creates Clarity

The theory that Action Creates Clarity puts forth the idea that simply thinking about stuff is not the best way to reach clarity (make decision).  It’s the DOING of stuff that creates the clarity.  I firmly believe this, and advise it to other people all the time for a few reasons:

First, I’ve found that for most people, it’s the first step that’s the hardest. Procrastination breeds procrastination.

Second, the simple act of putting things on your plate means that by necessity, other things have to come off.  This simplification process automatically reduces the number of choices available, whether you want it or not.

Third, even if you find out what you are doing is a mistake, it will either take that item off your list, or open new areas for consideration (I realize that this is a double-edged sword but if you consider that the first step is the hardest, you will also realize that you now have momentum…which is the hard part)

So what do I do?

If I were giving this advice to someone else, I would look at it logically, then emotionally.

• I know I need cash. Not a lot but some. So that takes school off the plate for now.
• I know that a real job is the surest way to make money, but I also know that I am not particularly happy doing that. So I could stomach it for a while, but probably not long.
• I know that there are very few jobs around there that are at a level or pay scale that I am accustomed to. This is important because my experience becomes irrelevant. I can probably make as much doing something new as I would doing something I know, but am bored of.
• I know I have made big bucks and have fun doing a new business project. The downside is that there is a real risk of it not doing anything . Both a good bit of time and money could be wasted.

So I think this is the tentative plan of action.  I’m gonna just start doing.

• 1. Look into local jobs in what I am good at (marketing, internet) and ALSO what might be fun jobs. (professor, columnist). Realizing that if it’s the former, I will probably only be able to stomach it for a year or so unless I get very lucky.
• 2. At the same time, look for new business projects that can use my area of expertise and enthusiasm. The cash I bring in from the day job can help fill the coffers back up and give me some time to get a business rolling. 

The plain truth is that even if a decision is wrong 90% of the time, you are still 10% better than if you had done nothing.   

The second plain truth is that nothing is ever set in stone.  Even with golden-handcuffs and responsibilities up the wazoo, there is ALWAYS an option for a do-over.  I’ve done it multiple times myself, and I’m sure I’ll do it again. I’ve been a professional musician, a ridiculously paid corporate executive, a realtor, owner of 4 small businesses, a webmaster, a marketing strategist, a bartender, a game designer, and a writer.

I’ll let you know how it goes.  As always, comments, advice, words of kindness, and nude pictures are always appreciated.  I will be keeping this blog going since it is a fantastic way to meet new folks, showcase my expertise, and keep current.  Plus I get to talk about retarded shit, and you still read it.  Awesome!

Stay cool.  JJ

<– Sadly, this is not him.  But can read his bio here. 

I recently sent him an email asking about HTML vs. TXT emails and some ideas for a new campaign that I am working on.  I used to do quite a bit of email marketing, but have been out of the loop for a while, so I wanted to know what has changed.  His response was so verbose and thorough that I decided to turn it into an article for the site.  No sense in me hoarding the info and not passing it on to you guys.

So here was my question: 

“Hey Chris,  

I am doing some work with a large consulting firm looking to start doing some email marketing. 

Do you have any stats on html vs plain text?  Which should I be using, keywords to avoid, etc.” 

And here is his response: 

Most of the industry prefers to use HTML emails over text because of a few things: 

1. Flashier graphics leads us to believe that response rates will be higher
2. We can track open rates because in HTML emails because we can imbed code that will act as a counter and let us know how many were opened. This cannot be done with text emails. 

For HTML design of the email, ideally the email is made up of no more than 1 single screen (definitely everything above the fold) and has the call to action which will encourage them to click, go to the landing page, and ultimately buy.  The landing page is equally important as there should be some continuity between that and the Email.  Definitely make sure all of the “pain points / questions a consumer might have that would lead them not to purchase” are resolved.  Testimonials, pictures of credit cards, and other types of validation have to be on there. 

Continuity between Email and Landing Page should not be a foreign topic especially if you are familiar with PPC.  Google Quality Scores are directly based on the continuity between Adwords and a Landing Page.  The logic is that everything is based on relevance and if Adwords directly matches a Landing Page then the likelihood of a customer clicking it increases.  A high Quality Score means that everything is relevant and flows together. 

Statistics on Open Rates and ClickThroughs

For email, statistically we look at a couple of equations for measurement: 

• Open Rate = (# of Opens / Delivered Emails)
• Delivered Emails = Sent Emails minus bounces
• Click through Rates = (# of Clicks / # of Opens)
• Conversion Rate = (# of Clicks / Sales)

 Industry speaking open rates are directly reflected upon the list it is being mailed to.  A General Consumer list (anybody with an email address who has bought something online) will have a low open rate since there is really no targeting.  The more targeted the list is, the better the open rate.  A GC list might get less than a 1% open rate while targeted lists are higher.  We like to go with an industry average of 3%.  Sometimes open rates are deceptive because Outlook will often “mark email as read” if the email has been highlighted on for more than a few seconds.  

After we have established an open rate, the click through rate is next.  The CTR is defined as a person who has clicked on the Email and has arrived at the Landing Page.  This is a highly qualified lead as the person has shown interest in the product offer.  The industry average is typically another 3% however I have personally seen CTRs as high as 80% in some cases, so do not be surprised if this is higher. 

Now the customer is on the landing page, it boils down to if they want to purchase or not.  This is the conversion rate (# of Clicks / Sales).  The CR really depends on the offer.  Michael Masterson talks about an “Optimum Selling Strategy” in his book “Ready, Fire, Aim” and inside it discusses the “Optimum Selling Price”.  What is the price that a customer will just see and never have a second thought?  For me anything that is over $100 on a credit card statement I do a double take on and will consciously reevaluate as to whether or not I want it.  This is especially important if it’s a monthly recurring billed product.  If I remember correctly Masterson came to the conclusion that anything sub $50 was fine.  This is also an important point since we are in a recession and everyone is watching what they are spending while times are tough.  

An offer that is a survey, sweepstakes, etc. where all a person has to do is enter an email address will convert at a much higher rate than a physical product for-sale at $39.95.  In fact, typical conversion rates for physical product average around 3% (that’s why I call it the rule of 3 - 3% Open/CTR/Conversion) while surveys, and products with very little barriers to entry will convert much higher often at a rate of 20% - 40%. 

Ok now that we’ve  established typical metrics and how they are determined let’s look at the basics of things to avoid in the body of an email. 

Things to avoid:  

1. All CAPS
2. Lots of Punctuation (especially multiple exclamation points!!!!!!)
3. Common words. Here’s a good url with a solid list (although the layout is kind of funky): http://www.vaughns-1-pagers.com/internet/spam-word-list.htm . Words are typically trend specific. If there is a really good trend of 1 particular product (for instance right now it seems to be Gold for Cash offers), very shortly those words will be added to filters.
4. 1 big graphic without corresponding text. If an email is just a picture to be clicked on then it’s going into the junk mail folder.
5. Never do white on white text. Bad move and especially if the text being added is not relevant to the offer. I just saw part of President Obama’s inauguration address as white on white text for a business opportunity offer. It was no wonder the open rate was so low. 

Deliverability - Reaching their Inbox and Avoiding Blacklists

The big thing we try to focus on is the deliverability of the email.  Essentially how do we get it into the Inbox.  

1. First, before we send the email, we test it with a program like SpamAssassin. We do that because we want to see how it will do against their filters. SpamAssassin is awesome because it will check all of the blacklists to see if your domain is on any of them and rank your email on a scale of 1-10. Anything with a 5 or more and we won’t send or ask the advertiser to provide new creative.
2. Monitor all of the blacklists for our domain. Every network has their favorite. I notice a lot subscribe to http://www.surbl.org/ but that’s not the defacto big list. If our domain appears on any list, then we have to go through the process of having our domain removed. Each process is different with each list.

Be careful with mailing to the big networks above all.  You have to really throttle your deliveries on a daily basis or you will be marked as a spammer.  Each network has different thresholds that you have to adhere to (and they don’t tell you what they are), so any kind of daily 5 figure or 6 figure volume might trigger some warnings from them. 

Keep everything honest and only send emails to customers that have opted in to receive them and you won’t have any problems.

Guest Author: Chris Thompson

Chris is COO of The Invidia Group, a firm specializing in online marketing and lead generation.

He will be our resident expert on email marketing, CPC, CPA, and affiliates.

Read his bio here.

As promised, the guest editors are here! 

Our first post is going to be from Chris Thompson.  Chris and I worked together a while back with Rich Schefren, one of the big name IM gurus.  He was then the marketing director and responsible for organic traffic, CPC, CPA, and business development.  Like me, he has since moved on.  Unlike me, he is now a fancy-pants COO at the Invidia Group. 

Chris is the human equivalent to his dog, a giant bull mastiff.  He is physically huge (one of the few people that dwarf me), looks quite intimidating, but underneath is probably most likely to sit on your lap and lick your face - I personally had to swat him on the nose with a newspaper on more than one occasion.

Although the current picture is formal, I am still trying to find the pic of him in his giant spiked shoulderpads and wrestling costume (he is an avid collector).   I’ll get it eventually…if he likes it or not.  That’s just how I roll.

Chris is going to be helping us with topics on metrics, CPC and CPA marketing, and affiliates.

Here is his official Blurb:

Chris Thompson
Chief Operating Officer, Invidia Group
http://theinvidiagroup.com/home.html

Chris joined The Invidia Group, LLC in January 2009 as the Chief Operating Officer, overseeing new product development, client strategy, and incremental growth for the company.  Chris brings over 15 years of Marketing and Business Development experience specializing in Online Marketing programs, Strategic Partnerships, New Product Launches, and Affiliate Marketing. 

Previously, Chris was Marketing Director at Strategic Profits, a business coaching company instructing entrepreneurs and small business owners on how to rapidly grow their business revenues.   

Prior to Strategic Profits, Chris was Director of Marketing Partnerships at Affinity Internet where he oversaw their reseller, agent, and referral programs and helped to grow the company’s revenue from $25 million to $60 million annually before it was acquired by the Hostway Corporation.  He was also integral in forging partnerships with companies like Adobe Systems, Microsoft, IBM, Costco, Verisign, and Network Solutions.  

He has previously held various ecommerce and marketing leadership positions at Boca Java (a division of Blyth Corp), GateHost Web Technologies, and Newhouse Publishing.

If you don’t have both types, your marketing still sucks, so it don’t really matter who does what. 

<– Photo: Bilk. Beer and Milk.  While most strategy problems are far more subtle, this product is proof that fantastic execution is useless without a good strategy… and also that Japanese people are just weird.) 

I give huge kudos to the folks who actually “do stuff” for a living, i.e. the executionalists.  It’s just a different skill set and a different personality type. That’s all. 

I do strategy because my primary motivator is solving problems.  I’ll never be a good CEO because I don’t have that type of vision nor do I have that burning in my belly to make more, do more, or be number 1.  I am a very good leader, but unfortunately, unless somebody tells me what goal they want to achieve (the problem)  I suck.  I flip-flop, I lose interest, I lose motivation, and it shows.  On the other side, I can’t do execution because I have ADD and get really bored once I have figured out the solution to a problem.  Once I have gotten things on the right path, it is virtually impossible for me to stay motivated enough to see the project through to completion. 

On the flipside, decent strategy with poor execution is just as worthless –>

Executionalists, on the other hand, are usually perfectionists in nature, very creative, and get off on the details that really make the difference. They like the rush of getting the job done, and done well. They will spend hours on end getting the best deal on a direct mail campaign, revise and tweak an ad or packaging element for days to get it just perfect.

In general, being the most customer focused, and the ones still around when the campaign finished, executionalists also typically get the most credit for the job - and that’s cool by most strategists. We see it as your just reward for having to do all the crap that we don’t want to or can’t do.

As a strategist, my dream job would be working for a company with lots of problems.  I learn about one, do the due diligence, discover a solution, get the solution ramped up and going, build the team, give the Braveheart speech, get things rolling, and then once it is established and I am 80% sure it is going to work, I hand it over to the executionalists, and take a nap.  They do the last 20%, which usually takes about 80% of the time (which I suck at because by now I am bored) and I can move on to the next problem. 

I still haven’t found that dream job, but I’m always looking.  If you know anyplace like my business Valhalla, please point them in my direction. 

In the next article we will discuss the strengths, weaknesses, and differences between a strategists or an executionalist, and how to decide which is the right choice for the job at hand.

Be cool. See ya soon.

Over the last few days I have been talking to an old partner who is now a fancy pants director at a big consulting firm in charge of growing a new division. 

As we discussed how his marketing funnel is tiered and contact points of different classes of prospects, I immediately noticed that my discussion went straight towards the metrics of each group.

• How many are there in each prospect group
• What is the frequency of contact
• What is the close rate at each stage
• And about 9 million other questions 

Now, to any direct-response marketer, it’s all about the numbers.  Both online and off, if your marketing model is based on direct-response (direct mail, email marketing, squeeze page sales, CPC, etc) then you usually know a LOT about metrics and have very exacting and scientific models for optimizing results. I’ll call these folks the “Band Geeks” for the remainder of this article. 

However, if you are in a more squishy marketing field like advertising, promotions, creative, or marketing strategy, you usually tend to focus a lot less on the science of metrics, and put your attention on the art of the sale or emotional triggers.  These peeps, I’ll refer to as the “Supermodels.” 

What I think a lot of Supermodels miss is the crucial data that metrics provide in both determining your ultimate strategy, and further refining your strategy to optimize the desired results.

The reason I bring this up is because most of us “Gisele Bundchen’s” don’t really use metrics that much; And we should.  The primary reason that we don’t bother is that collecting useful metrics sucks.  It’s a pain to find the right ones, it’s a pain to track and collect the data, and it’s a pain to interpret it - But it’s worth it.  We all know math is anything but sexy, and us supermodels are all about the sexy, but in this case it is worth taking the bullet and packing the bassoon.

Back to the Case Study… 

In my buddies plan, we reviewed the different classes of prospects, where each one came from, where they are in the decision making process, and then the tactical marketing method we would use to move them along the curve until the prospect either said “not interested” or the deal was closed. 

Depending on who the prospect was and where they fit into the mix, they might receive one of several emails, a call from a field sales agent, a push from another consultant, a FedEx package, or in some cases a call from a partner themselves. 

Dozens of variations and iterations on the actual conversation or content received by the prospect made the model pretty complex, but ultimately it was both strong and manageable.  What was missing however; was a system to collect and analyze the metrics of each one. 

And that’s a critical flaw. 

A Band Geek would have had these systems in place from the very beginning, all scientific-like.  And they would be right.  We supermodels think that we are the experts on reading people.  We know the right triggers, we know how to write and design to solicit an emotional response, and believe we know just what strings to pull to get people to do what we want.   But we really don’t. And any marketer who tells you they know exactly how a person or group of prospects will respond to something is just full of shit.  They may have had similar experience, or marketed to a group like this before, but so many factors beyond anyone’s control make every case an independent scenario. 

But if you have your metrics in place from the beginning, tracking the right figures, you can see exactly how people are responding and where in the funnel needs improvement. 

In real life, when you have a pretty complex marketing model with lots of prospects in different stages, and lots of messages for different groups, it gets REALLY HARD to figure out what to do when things are not working as expected. 

Sales point a finger at marketing, marketing points the finger at sales, creative points the finger at strategy, strategy points a finger at the customers, customers give you the finger and go away.  Blech. 

But when you have a strong system of metrics in place from the very beginning, you can actually see where things are falling through the cracks.  For example, say that you see that the telemarketing group has a 5% close rate on getting an initial contract, but a recommendation from an in-field rep has a 25% close.  That gives you at least a basis for examining your strategy and at a minimum you know to test different options and to look into what the field reps are doing differently.  Suppose that your email to medical prospects has a 50% higher open rate than the same email to legal prospects, that again gives you a basis for examining your strategy and making modifications. 

But none of this is possible to do without a system of metrics in place BEFORE you start rolling it out.  I have been in a situation where I have tried to roll out reporting systems after a program has started, but by that point, you are usually doing it because you have a problem, and the infighting, as well as your assumptions on what might be working is already in place, and that guarantees your objectivity is tainted.

The moral of the story… 

So, my recommendation to you fledgling supermodels is this.  Make friends with the Band Geeks, learn how to do what they do.  Yes, you may look a little funny in a tweed sportcoat, but you have to admit, the naughty librarian look is HOT! 

Be cool.  Your nerdy Adriana Lima,

JJ

And I agree with Stewart for the most part, but having been a real estate broker myself at the height of the flip ‘n greed phase, I’m also a bit in the “fu*k the homeowner” camp too. 

Watch this video below, and we will talk about it some more.

Now we see from the video that we have a School bus driver that is in danger of losing her $800,000 house to foreclosure. Yes EIGHT HUNDRED FRIGGIN THOUSAND DOLLARS. Was it an inheritance gift, nope. Is she like the CEO of Bus Drivers America? Nope. She is just an ordinary run of the mill bus driver. 

I don’t believe there is any shame in being a bus driver. BUT, I would have to guess that an $800k house is stretching the pocketbook for the majority of even well-to-do Americans.  At the height of my fancy pants days, I lived in a house that was $500k. I was making about $150k a year base and about $100k more in stock, bonuses and options.  And I really thought that was a stretch.  When I moved to Florida, I seriously downsized. Yes, I miss the marble floors and everything, but not enough to carry more than twice the mortgage I have now.

These days, I live in an average $250k home that I bought at the time for about $150k and pimped. It’s in an average neighborhood; with an average mortgage of about $1300 a month included all taxes and all the crap.  The point though, is that when I moved down to Florida, I COULD have bought a $700k house in cash! 

I didn’t because:

1. I have a brain.
2. That brain told me that buying something that expensive was just retarded, and unnecessary
3. That brain also told me that there might be a rainy day sometime in the future (and there has been).  That I might be better off squirreling some of that cash away in case I ever need it, and it might as well be making me money at the same time. 

So did I buy that $700k house? No.  Because that would be just stupid. I put some in savings, some in retirement, some in the stock market, some in rental properties, and some in my business.   But yet you have this woman, who I am guessing maybe makes $30-60k a year with a mortgage of $4796 a month not including things like taxes, insurance, PMI, utilities, and maintenance on that behemoth.

What is does she have to say about it? 

Bus driver Minta Garcia admits that she and her husband bought more house than they could afford, but she said “the lender made the purchase all too easy.”  Now the home that she purchased for $800K is worth $675K and she wants Obama to “Stop the foreclosures”. 

Seriously? Just FUCK YOU!

At some point you have to take responsibility for your stupidity.  I hope you lose the house, kill your future credit, be forced to wear a sign highlighting your stupidity, and have to ask your local church for cheese.  Vanity and/or laziness made you buy that house and you deserve to be at the reverse end of the spectrum for a while. 

Please understand that I am FAR FROM SAYING that the banks didn’t do anything wrong.  Back then, banks were lending 95%+ on primary mortgages, and there was a booming business for “hard money” loans to cover the difference.  They should definitely have known better.  I believe that them going out of business is just Karma. I think what they did was criminal in some cases, but at the very minimum it was just plain ‘ole greed and most of them will get what is coming to them. 

So now we have 2 camps of people screwed in the housing mess. 

Camp 1: The people who bit off more they can chew AND investors who were looking for a quick flip and easy money.  Those are my Fu*k you camp. 

Camp 2:Then you have people who either bought within their means, or invested for the right reasons, but are now screwed because the property is not worth what they paid for it because of assholes in Camp 1. 

I am personally in the second camp. I own my home in Florida, but I also own 2 rental properties near the university.  I bought my rental properties for the right reason (not to flip but because they had a decent CAP rate, I got them WELL below market value, and they were stand-alone money makers) 

Because I bought my rental properties correctly, they are still doing fairly well.  As long as I keep renting them out, even at a discounted rate, I’m just fine.  However, there is a good chance that I am going to be moving far away in a few months.  That leaves me in a conundrum.  The market value on my house is about 70% of what it really should be, and my investment properties are probably between 50 and 60% of what they should be. 

I now have to decide between selling them at breakeven (and in one case taking a loss of about $20-30k) or holding on to them and worrying about finding a property manager I can trust (harder than you think) with the possibility carrying about $2500 a month in debt if I can’t get them rented out.  Yes, I planned ahead and build into my investment model 10% as a vacancy allowance, but that will only carry me so far.  There is also the real possibility that they will take a year or more to sell even at a discounted price.  

That’s a real concern. 

I’m guessing that is not so different from the scenario for a lot of Americans.  For whatever reasons, they need to move away (lost job, new job, etc) and they have a house that is now worth less than they paid for it.  Since their old house ain’t moving anytime soon, they probably will not be able to get a loan for the new house at their new location.

If they sell their current house, they lose money. If they keep their current house, they will either not be able to get a loan for a new house, or if they do, have to deal with the headache and possible financial crutch of having to pay the mortgage on TWO houses if they can’t rent the other. 

Tough call.

Will a housing bailout help? 

I really don’t think so.  Any experienced realtor or broker will tell you that the housing market is cyclical, typically on 5 year swings.  Sometimes they coincide with a stock market downturn, sometimes they don’t. 

I do believe that this is going to be a longer than 5 year swing, and much deeper than others.  This is because the level of greed and stupidity far surpassed anything we have seen before. 

But, given how slow the housing market usually responds to anything, I can’t imagine ANY difference happening from a housing bailout.  

If the government decides on a foreclosure bailout, then maybe some more people will stay in their homes.  That means a few less houses on the market.  The problem is, that there are still SO MANY properties on the market now (not even talking about foreclosure properties), that all those will still need to be absorbed before we see any change in property values.   And that takes a long time in the best of scenarios.  Like multiple years long.  Until demand again exceeds supply, property values won’t get better.  No housing stimulus is going to make that happen. 

And until the economic situation improves, consumer confidence rebounds, and we get a little glimmer of greed and vanity back again (a little is a good thing), I just don’t see a whole lot of people going out and buying stuff. 

Well that’s just my take. Would love to hear what you guys have to say about it. 

JJ
 

Stay cool… and if you in the mood for something lighter, and are not easily offended, check out the new site.  www.shortbushumor.com