excreta

See, testing cosmetics on animals isn't so bad...

2009-02-08T20:49:00.000-05:00

Back?

2009-02-08T20:40:00.003-05:00

Ok, not to get anyone's hopes up, but I am going to give this another try. Not promising frequent posts or posts with even mildly disturbing content. No promises.

I felt the need to try again and, due to a recent knee injury, I may have some additional time on my hands.

We will see where this goes.

Diet Coke & Mentos...with a twist

2006-08-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

Whats It Gonna Be?

2006-08-15T16:40:00.000-05:00

Government keeps you safe

2006-08-14T07:41:00.000-05:00

Image credit: Robert Kirkham/Buffalo News

Filed in: crime government stupidity terrornoia United States

Why you have a headache after drinking all night

2006-08-03T07:39:00.000-05:00

Filed in: alcohol humor injuries police videos

Security at $6.15 an hour

2006-07-17T17:38:00.000-05:00

Today, as part of the local sheriff's department accreditation requirements, I conducted an inspection of several holding facilities in various judicial buildings.

Most of the courthouse buildings have bailiffs, many of whom are retired police officers that provide security. However, one of the buildings, the Judicial Center, employs a security company to provide security. Each person who enters the building must pass through a metal detector and have larger items run through an x-ray machine.

So, after entering the building I stepped up to the metal detector. In one of the tiny baskets that are everpresent at x-ray machines, I placed all my small metal items (change, flashlight, keys, badge, etc.) I placed this basket, along with my clipboard, on the conveyor belt of the x-ray machine.

I then step through the x-ray machine. On the other side, a functionally retarded security employee checks my items. Yup, it's a cell phone. Yup, it's a flashlight. And so on.

Then his attention turns to my clipboard, a shallow metal box with a fliptop, filled with papers, pens and a small tape measure. He opens it up. He flips through the paperwork. He looks at the x-ray monitor. He flips through the paperwork again. He looks at the x-ray monitor again. Then he looks at me.

"What's this?", he asks, pointing at my clipboard.

"That is a clipboard", I respond, somewhat confused.

"Do you have any tools in there?", he asks, breathing heavily through his open mouth. I look at him, attempting do discern if this is meant as a joke.

Now, my clipboard is about and inch and a half deep and about the size of a legal pad of paper. Not much room for tools, not to mention he just rifled through it TWICE.

"No tools, except for my tape measure", I inform him.

He stabs his finger at the x-ray monitor and says, "Then what is THAT?" It was more of an accusation than a question. My gaze follows his finger to the monitor and the object that appears on it.

Now I am irritated.

Raising my voice above the ambient noise of the lobby, I replied, "I don't know what that is", pointing to the same object he was pointing at. The object we are both now pointing at appears to be a small, soft sided bag containing, among other things, a set of lockpicks. "But THAT," moving my finger slightly to the left to indicate a large, hard, rectangular object, "is my clipboard. The bag you are pointing at belongs to the guy who was in front of me."

His head swings in all directions, like a bobblehead doll in a hurricane, as he attempts to locate the man who was ahead of me in line. The man is gone...and with him his lockpicks. I am permitted to collect my stuff and proceed past the "security" checkpoint, but I don't take with me a "sorry" or "my apologies" or any other form of acknowledgement that they blundered.

So, BRAVO to the security personnel at the Judicial Center. On this day you have kept their building safe from a fire inspector. I am sure your efforts are much appreciated by the guy who was ahead of me in line.

Filed in: job personal stupidity

Canadians Gone Wild

2006-07-14T07:22:00.000-05:00

Filed in: Canada humor nasty videos

As seen on Craigslist

2006-07-12T17:15:00.000-05:00

Level 72 Paladin Seeking 42+ Rogue, Druid, and Sorceress - m4ww

Date: 2006-06-20, 4:36AM PDT

I am seeking a level 42 or above rogue, druid, and sorceress to help me assault the fortress of Mordria, and for hot kinky sex. I am the sole holder of the Axe of Fragyholt and am a level 72 Paladin equipped with Def+ 52 plate mail. I also have a really big penis. I can cast Magic Missile, Icebolt, and am a fairly skilled at cunnilingus. Indeed, Orcs and Goblins are no match for me, not unlike your unsuspecting genitalia, which shall recieve a thrashing, the likes of which have been only whispered in hushed voice in times of darkness. I have a lot of experience, both with annihilating ogres, and the finer points of pleasuring fair maidens, and like to be beaten with wet towels. I live at home with Mother, and you will have to sneak in through the basement window. This partnership boasts many advantages, such as an unlimited supply of Cheetos and Mountain Dew, and hot, steamy, hanky-panky with my massive member. Comic book lovers a plus.

* this is in or around Mordria
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

173415785

Filed in: games humor sex weird

Reason #438 why I don't want children

2006-07-10T18:07:00.000-05:00

Hat Tip: Boing Boing

Filed in: children

Back?

2006-07-08T23:57:00.000-05:00

So, I am still not sure if I am done here or not. I thought I was, but I keep feeling this tug to come back. Plus, I have no outlet when I find a particularly juicy or nauseating internet goody.

What has Sideshow been up to in the last month?

- Started learning to sail
- Gotten down to 165 pounds and have maintained it
- Switched from safety razors to an electric razor.
- Purchased a GPS for my car
- Made retirement at 50 a goal. A serious one.
- Watched about 2/3's of the 2nd season of Lost.

I don't think I will be posting everyday, it is just too much effort. I'll post when I have something truly horrible to share or whenever a random, sociopathic thought surfaces.

And, oh...I want to thank those of you who said goodbye or pleaded with me not to go. It's nice to know that they let you have internet access in whatever facility you are currently a guest at.

Filed in: admin blogs personal

Movin' on

2006-06-10T22:51:00.000-05:00

Ok folks, it's time to move on.

Maintaining Excreta was taking up too much of my time and stopped being fun. If it ain't fun, I don't do it (unless absolutely necessary).

I will be keeping a LiveJournal account and you are all welcome to stop by. I can't promise you the same content you have become accustomed to, so I won't.

Thanks for stopping by...your patronage was, and is, appreciated.

Matt

On hiatus

2006-05-16T07:32:00.000-05:00

Might return at somepoint.

FAT CAMP - Week 10

2006-05-08T17:14:00.000-05:00

Wendy's is my friend. At least it was until earlier this week. I was at some work-related training and got a Wendy's double cheeseburger and biggie fries. The greasy lump of pseudo-beef that used to melt in my mouth and fill my stomach and soul with happiness, made me...unwell. I don't think it was a badly prepared hamburger (they are all badly prepared). I think it was that I had not had fast food for over two months and my digestive system was letting me know that Wendy's was now persona non grata. As much as I like Wendy's, I think it is for the best that I can no longer tolerate it.

It is also time for me to get a belt, for two reasons. One, I discovered that none of my belts even comes close to fitting me. This isn't a huge surprise as the belts are at least seven years old. Two, my jeans are drooping off my waist. Previously, my fat ass held them up. Apparently not anymore.

The tale of the scale...

Start Weight - 174.8
Current Weight - 168
Body Fat % - 28%
BMI (per CDC) - 26.7
Weight Status - Overweight

Sideshows Progress Image - Week 10

Filed in: fat personal

Got shit?

2006-05-08T11:32:00.000-05:00

Found something that makes your skin crawl or something inappropriately funny, but either don't have a blog or isn't the type of content you like to place on your blog?

Send it to me. I have low standards.

Filed in: admin blogs

How not to trim your pubes

2006-05-06T17:45:00.000-05:00

(click for video)

Filed in: fire stupidity videos

Open Office

2006-05-05T05:21:00.000-05:00

Need a copy of MicroSoft Office, but don't have the change to afford a copy or an upgrade? Or perhaps you can't get ahold of the Office disks from work or from a friend. Or maybe you really dislike MicroSoft in general.

Try Open Office. Open Office is a multi-platform, multi-lingual office suite comparable to MicroSoft Office. Only free. Yep, free. Costs you nothing. Zero.

Within the suite are the following programs:

Base (Access)
Calc (Excel)
Draw (drawing and graphics
Impress (Power Point)
Math (equations and formulae)
Writer (Word)

Filed in: free products tech

BodyWorlds update

2006-05-04T13:14:00.000-05:00

From the Banana Press International , a story about drama in the afterlife.

Deceased Man Upset About His Body Worlds Exhibit Pose

PHILADELPHIA, PA (Banana Press International)--Controversy at the Body World's exhibit is centering around the recently donated corpse of Sid Grossman who recently started lamenting his decision to donate his cadaver to the popular exhibit.

The exhibit, started by German anatomist named Gunther von Hagens, is a traveling exhibition of preserved human bodies and body parts which are prepared using a technique called plastination to reveal inner organs or structures and has traveled the world since the mid-90s.

"Christ! I told those guys that I wanted to be the basketball player or the corpse guy that was playing chess," bellowed an angry Grossman. "Instead they put me in this pansy ass archery pose! What the fuck!"

Spokespersons for the Body World's exhibit contend that all the corpses are happy in their respective poses and didn't want to trade cadaver poses with Grossman.

"That dude was just fucking annoying," said Jed Hopper, the chess-playing corpse. "He was the last to be added to the exhibit and right off the bat he starts bitching to the other cadavers! 'I wanna be the basketball guy....I wanna be the chess guy.....I don't want any pansy-ass poses' blah, blah bla-fuckitty blah!"

"These fuckbeaks have it in for me," said Grossman. "They're totally in cahoots with the exhibit people. As soon as they rolled my cadaver into the exhibit hall, I could hear the laughing and the smart ass snickering!....I still hear snickers!"

"That dude's a total ass," said Hopper. "I suggested they have him jacking off the equestrian horse, but they have kids going to this exhibit. That shit would have been funny though."

Hat Tip: Banana Blograma

Filed in: death humor Pennsylvania

Eat at the Y

2006-05-03T19:15:00.000-05:00

Next time you are in Vegas, think about munching at the Pink Taco.

Filed in: food Nevada

Can ya spare an invite?

2006-05-03T15:57:00.000-05:00

Some of the real gems on display here at Excreta are mined from Fleshbot. Occaisonally something moves me (or at least part of me) enough that I entertain leaving a comment. Unfortunately for me you can only leave comments if you have been invited to...and I haven't. Yet.

Anyone got an invite they can toss my way?

Filed in: blogs sex

One thing leads to another

2006-05-02T05:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things happen due to a series of unforeseen events. And sometimes I find things to post due to series of unforeseen events.

For example, Captain Morgan sends me this email:

Subject: Read the Story First!!!!

Ladies: Although this situation is as a result of foreign travel (South America and Africa), please don'�?t take any chances! Beware! �?photos are very graphic and disturbing.

READ THE STORY FIRST

This is gross!!! Read the story first!!!!!!

ALL , PLEASE WASH ALL BRAS, UNDERWEAR WHEN YOU BUY BEFORE WEARING THEM.

WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT PARASITE IS IN OUR CLOTHES WHEN WE BUY THEM.

FORWARD TO EVERYBODY YOU KNOW. LET ME FORE WARN YOU THIS IS SO SQUIMISH, This is not for the weak, I have never seen anything like this.

It has been reported that this is happening in Zimbabwe as well, please make sure you iron your under garments before you wear them and make sure that your clothes are ironed when they are dry and not damp.

After anthropologist Susan McKinley came back home from an expedition in South America, she noticed a very strange rash on her left breast. Nobody knew what it was and she quickly dismissed it believing that the holes would leave in time.

Upon her return she decided to see a doctor after she started developing intense pains. The doctor, not knowing the exact severity of the disease, gave her antibiotics and special creams. As time lapsed the pain did not subside and her left breast became more inflamed and started to bleed. She decided to bandage her sores however as Susan's pain grew more intense she decided to seek help from a more certified doctor. Dr. Lynch could not diagnose the infection and told Susan

To seek the aid of one of his colleagues who specialized in dermatology whom was sadly on vacation. She waited for two weeks and finally was able to react the dermatologist. Sadly, a life changing event was about to unfold during her appointment. To Miss McKinley's surprise, after she removed the bandages, they found larva- (insects the wingless, immature worm-shaped form of many insects that develops into a pupa or chrysalis before becoming an adult insect) growing and squirming within the pores and sores of her breast. Sometimes these wicked creatures would all together imultaneously move around into different crevices. What she didn't know was that the holes were in fact, deeper than she had originally thought for these larvae were feeding off the fat, tissue, and even milk canals of her bosom.

But something didn't look right about that picture. No inflammation, irritation or tissue damage. So I surfed on over to Snopes.com. I found this email on Snopes and it is bogus, but although the email is bogus, this video that was also attached to the email is 100% real.

Also on the Snopes entry for that email, there was a reference to another Snopes entry with a warning of disturbing images. Too tempting to pass up.

Well, that link brought me to a Snope entry titled Maggot Brain. Maggot Brain exposes two urban legends about people getting a maggoinfestationon in their brain.

It also relates a true story about a 70 year old man who was suffering from a form of cancer that had eaten away the upper portion of his skull and scalp. Apparently the cancer did not cause this man any discomfort, so he didn't seek medical attention...that is until he was involved in a minor car accident and he was found in this condition.

Yep, them be maggots. More maggots.

Hat Tip: Captain Morgan

Filed in: awful insects medical nasty videos

FAT CAMP - Week 9

2006-05-01T16:35:00.000-05:00

No progress this week. Bah. I am pretty sure I have some previous meals that are slow to get a move on.

The tale of the scale...

Start Weight - 174.8
Current Weight - 169.8
Body Fat % - 26%
BMI (per CDC) - 27.3
Weight Status - Overweight

Sideshows Progress Image - Week 9

Filed in: fat personal

Try not to blow chunks on your keyboard

2006-05-01T06:39:00.000-05:00

While trolling the internets for uniquely odd and disturbing material for your electronic consumption, I occasionally stumble across the truly disturbing.

Not disturbing like what you can find in Japans porn shops.

Not disturbing like furniture porn, and yes I mean graphic images of furniture having sex with other furniture.

Not disturbing like goatse (of which I will spare you from viewing the image again...you're welcome).

Not disturbing like Japanese cockroach fetish porn.

Not disturbing like animated vaginas jumping through hoops.

Not disturbing like girls eating snot for your sexual excitement and gratification.

I mean disturbing like this brief diary (sans photos). A short excerpt:

I want to feel them squirming inside my vagina, driving me mad. Defiling me. Polluting me. Driving me to orgasm, over and over. Corrupting me. Infesting me...

She is, of course, speaking of maggots.

And here endeth the post.

Hat Tip: David Drake (submitted one of the non-disturbing items)

Filed in: insects Japan nasty sex weird

Got soap?

2006-04-30T19:38:00.000-05:00

I was in the shower this evening, and I had a thought.

You know how slippery soap gets when it is wet?

And you know how difficult it is retrieve a bar of wet soap from inside your ass?

Neither do I, but we all know there is someone out there who does.

And what do you think the chances are that they invented the soap-on-a-rope.

Filed in: misc

Normally I don't participate in memes, but...

2006-04-30T07:33:00.000-05:00

I decided to break with tradition. Dorna, of The Guabancex Blog, posted a meme and I thought I would give it a go.

Divulge six random things about yourself, then tag six people and so perpetuate this degradation/humiliation/boredom throughout the blogworld.

During a drunken party in Okinawa, I ate a piece of hotdog. That a friend had been chewing on. That he had found in a pool of vomit.
As a child of the digital age, I did not learn to read an analog clock (the type with hands) until the age of 18.
I am extremely uncomfortable swimming in natural bodies of water. I think it has something to do with seeing Jaws at an early age and not being able to see the bottom or sides as you can in a pool.
My first drink was a whiskey sour, which my father gave me somewhere around the age of eight. I thought it was orange juice and so did he. I went sleepy real quick.
I have never taken illegal drugs. I cannot tolerate smoking and you can forget sticking myself with a needle. Additionally, the expense and legal consequences make alcohol a simpler alternative.
Onions, peppers (except the spicy varieties) and celery are a few of the most loathsome foods on the Earth. I avoid ingesting them at all times.

I won't be tagging anyone to do this meme, but if you wish to participate, just put the permalink to your meme post in the comments.

Filed in: blogs memories misc personal