Exile on Clark Street

Take Me With You, Lou

2010-08-23T09:02:00.003-05:00

Lou Piniella managed his last game for the Chicago Cubs yesterday, electing to retire early so that he can be at home with his ailing mother. In true Cubs fashion, the Northsiders got absolutely murdered by the Atlanta Braves 16-5. Lou's Cub career got off to a promising start, as he turned a struggling team around to win the division in 2007 and made the Cubs into the best NL team in 2008. Unfortunately, neither of those teams was able to do jackshit in the playoffs, getting swept two years in a row. Despite having Milton Bradley, Aaron Miles, Aaron Heilman and an injured Aramis Ramirez last year, Lou still managed to finish the season with a winning record.

2010 proved to be the season from hell as this club has found more ways to lose than Bob and June Wheeler. While Lou has seemed distracted and disinterested at times this year, who can really blame him? More importantly, Lou is going where he belongs, which is with his sick mother. The Cubs are fucked this year anyway, regardless of whether Lou or Mike Quade is pulling the strings, so it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I am a little confused as to why the Cubs have already decided Alan Trammel isn't a candidate to manage in 2011, but what the hell do I know.

Lou joins the ranks of managers who have failed to bring the Cubs a World Series, but at least the Cubs were mostly good during his tenure in Chicago. And we'll always have this. Good luck, Lou. At least you don't have to watch this collection of stiffs for the rest of the season.

I still hate this team.

Derrek Lee to Atlanta

2010-08-19T11:15:00.004-05:00

This 2010 Cubs season has been beyond disappointing for a myriad of reasons, but mainly because of how truly awful this team has been. Among the disappointments has been the final Cubs season of Derrek Lee. Lee has struggled mightily this year, but has rebounded a little since the All Star Break. DLee has been one of my favorite Cubs ever since Hendry acquired him from Florida for Hee-Seop Choi prior to the 2004 season. The Lee trade is still one of Hendry's best deals as GM of this sinking franchise.

Derrek's Cub tenure has been full of ups and downs. He was solid in 2004, hitting .278 with 32 home runs, but truly shined in 2005 when he led the NL in nine offensive categories and should have won the MVP (Sorry, Albert, I know you had a good year and the Cards went to the playoffs, but Derrek Lee was fucking unreal that year. On a contending team or no, Lee got jobbed in 2005). Derrek hit .335 and won the NL batting title.

2006 would prove to be tough for the big man, as Rafael Furcal collided with Lee following an awkward throw to first base by mouthbreather Scott Eyre. Lee wound up with a broken wrist and ended up missing most of the season. Things didn't get better after he returned from the DL and he ended up with inflammation in the wrist and had to go back on the DL. Worst of all, Derrek's daughter Jada was diagnosed with Leber's congenital amaurosis, an eye disorder. The Lees later learned that she doesn't in fact have the disorder, but I remember how devastated Derrek was when he appeared on TV back in 2006.

DLee didn't seem to fully recover from the wrist injury until 2008, when he hit .306, slugging 35 homers and driving in 111 runs. Unfortunately, his skills seem to have been in decline ever since and he never was able to push the Cubs past the first round of the playoffs. At least he has his 2003 Marlins WS ring.

Derrek's Cub career came to a bitter end yesterday as he was traded to the Atlanta Braves for three stiffs in a payroll dump. I can't blame him for leaving. This team is fucking terrible, possibly the most exciting event of the season occurring when Derrek and Carlos Zambrano argued in the dugout. I know Derrek's skills are in decline and that he was unlikely to return next year, but I still hate to see him leave.

DLee was a class act and in a sport dealing with little bitches like Hanley Ramirez, Brandon Phillips, Francisco Rodriguez, Zambrano, and others this year, his presence will be missed in Chicago. For a while, the Cubs were his team. It's going to feel very strange to see Derrek in a Braves uniform in the other dugout at Wrigley Field this weekend. I know he was only a Cub for six years, but it seriously felt longer than that. Not long enough, though.

(I still hate this team.)

Fontenot No More

2010-08-12T12:59:00.006-05:00

The Cajun Hobbit is gone. In what is hardly breaking news at this point, the Cubs have dealt Mike Fontenot to the San Francisco Giants for Evan Crawford, who is rumored to be of normal height. Luckily for Mike and his stubby little legs, the Cubs were in San Fran at the time of the trade so he didn't need to walk very far to join his new team. We all know how hobbits hate to walk. This officially spells the end of the Chicago Cubs Cajun Era.

Thank God.

Crawford is a center fielder (like the Cubs needed any more fucking outfielders) and is supposedly the Giants' fastest prospect. There may be more trades to come as the 2010 Toure de Sucke sputters into the final stretch.

I still hate this team.

Greg Maddux traded to Dodgers for Cesar Izturis

2010-07-31T13:53:00.000-05:00

Except change Maddux with "Lilly and Theriot" and Izturis with "Blake DeWitt".

Either way it's as dumb as the Maddux trade from a few years ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly happy to see the Theriot Era come to a merciful end. But on the last day of the deadline Hendry couldn' have pulled better from a team than Blake frickin' DeWitt and a couple minor leaguers?

Hopefully today's moves will be the final act of an inept negotiator.

I still hate this team.

Lou's Had Enough of this Shit

2010-07-21T09:11:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you've heard by now and it really isn't a big shock that Lou Piniella has decided to hang it up at the end of this season. No matter how crappy this team finishes out the season I think as Cub fans we all owe Lou a big thanks for his work over the past 4 seasons. After all this is the manager that:

Took the Cubs to back to back postseasons since 1908.
Had three consecutive winning seasons with the Cubs. The most since Leo Durocher back in the late-60s/early-70s.
Won 97 games in 2008, the most since Charlie Grimm won 98 managing the 1945 Cubs.

So best wishes to you Lou. It's too bad your last season here has turned into a turd sandwich.

Now let the rampant new manager speculation begin! Right now I'm placing 3-2 odds on Sandberg. That however is not an endorsement for Ryno as manager.

National League Wins ASG For the First Time Since Bill Clinton's First Term in Office

2010-07-13T22:57:00.001-05:00

Also Marlon Byrd is awesome.

That is all.

Exile in LA: The Interns Attend A Ballgame

2010-07-12T18:08:00.010-05:00

This past Saturday, the two interns from Thunder Matt's Saloon, Ginger Russ (along with his girlfriend) and Adam Blank, met in sunny LA to catch a Cubs game at Dodger Stadium. It would be the only game that the Cubs would win of the series, one which would see Lou's first ejection of the year, a SOTO! home run and another off the bat of a hopefully "back" Ramirez. This is Ginger's recount of the game and pre-festivities¹. As the post is rather long, it has been broken into two posts and also into parts for easier reading. Enjoy!

Part I: The Meeting, Hot Dogs and BAG

Adam picked me and the gf at the hotel in Old Pasadena exactly at 9:30am as planned. One thing I give Adam, he is punctual. Adam warned us that he hasn't driven on the highway in over a year, which given the crazy driving in LA, I must admit I was pretty worried about since having never met Adam. He told us he had to make a quick stop on the way to get my Pink's hot dog². We drove for what seemed like an hour, through back roads and blowing through stop signs until he stopped in this alley, where a guy came out and handed Adam an envelope. Nothing was mentioned about the envelope and we never saw that envelope for the rest of the day.

He then drove us to Pink's Hot Dogs, which is on my food bucket list. It wasn't busy and I ordered a hot dog with chili and mustard and onions, just like I've seen on tv. Also an Orange Crush. Amazingly, we saw Brian Austin Green getting some hot dogs too. We inquired about his new wife, and he said she was doing good but had recently had a fallout with some asshole director. He left and Adam and my gf being vegetarians sat and watched me eat my dog. It was quite good, a B+. The hot dog had the perfect snap and the chili was tasty without being too spicy. We snapped some pictures and left.

Part II: Kung-Fu Tranny's

Then Adam drove us around for a while, waiting for the vegetarian place near his house to open up so he and the gf could get some food. He took us to Koreatown and to see some houses where the rich people live. All the while Adam had TSOL blasting at full volume on his stereo, which the speakers were blown out on so it was just a bunch of loud fuzz. At one point we were stopped at a stop light and Adam yelled, "Chinese Firedrill!" He jumped out of the car and ran around it and got back in and drove away just as the light turned green.

On the way we drove by a house deemed, the "House of Davids". Mind you, this house is in a really upscale neighborhood. To Adam's great enjoyment (seriously, I think he came in his pants), the owner was having a yard sale so we stopped and browsed. It was all a bunch of tranny clothes and the people shopping were bums, little mexican women and of course, trannys. I told Adam and the gf to go wait in the car and for Adam to "keep it running". I grabbed a bunch of dresses that seemed like they were my gf's size and took off. I got about half way out of the yard before some chick (or possibly dude) tried to tackle me. I used my kung-fu training to trip her/him and jumped in the car as Adam peeled away with the chick (or dude) tossing her 14 inch stilettos at Adam's car.

Part III: Fried Plantains, Nipple Contest and Puking

We made it to the vegetarian restaurant near Adam's house where Adam ordered a vegetarian burrito, my gf ordered a jackfruit "pulled pork" sandwich and I ordered some plate that included homemade tortilla chips, pico, guacamole, rice and beans and fried plantains. I must admit the fake sandwich tasted very close to a real version and would probably fool the amateur eater (aka Daft Funk). I had never had fried plantains before and didn't like them, as expected.

While eating, a couple came in with their little kid who proceeded to yell at the top of his lungs for the entire rest of the meal. This would be a fortuitous event, as it would precursor every meal my gf and I would have for the rest of the trip. Apparently parents in CA have some sort of censor that makes them not hear their kids screaming in public places. The meal was fairly uneventful compared to the beginning of the meeting, although we did try to replicate the original Thunder Fist by comparing nipple sizes, which my gf found very unnerving, particularly because our female waitress joined in the competition. Adam won, but the hippie waitress by far had the hairiest nipples. We left the restaurant, unsure what to do next, so I suggested we go to a bar to pre-drink. Adam suggested a bar that Daft Funk once recommended so we started towards that.

Where Adam lives, it is very hilly, like San Francisco. One of the hills was especially large and Adam told us to buckle up. He sped up the hill, gas peddle floored and at the very top we "jumped" about 10 feet in what was a scene exactly like out of "the Blues Brothers". I must admit it was very cool. Unfortunately my stomach full of Mexican delicacies did not think so. I proceeded to throw up in Adam's car, which in turn made my gf throw up at the site of me throwing up. Luckily, Adam's car is littered with ripped out pages of porn mags (mostly weird fetish shit) so the clean up was easy.

Part IV: The Liquor Store

So after cleaning up the puke from Adam's car, we decided we had wasted too much time to go to the bar and instead figured we would just go to Adam's liquor store and I could buy some beer and we would tailgate, as I hear you can do at Dodger Stadium. On the way, Adam pointed out the spot where he found a dead homeless person and the makeshift memorial he had constructed out of empty Taaka vodka bottles. We entered the liquor store and were browsing. They didn't have much of a selection so I decided on a tall boy can of Budweiser. I assumed this is what Goreo would have chosen, so I thought it was a good choice. The little asian woman at the counter didn't speak english very well so I had no idea what the price was. I kept asking and asking and finally gave up and gave her a $20 bill.

Just at that moment, a little black midget that looked like Gary Coleman walked in. Immediately Adam yelled out, "YOU FUCKING N***ER, I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!" and ran at the little guy, knocking over a stand of chile-lime cheetos and peanut butter cups that were on sale for 40% off. He tackled the guy and started tickling him. My gf and I were very confused as Adam and the guy got up and started talking, I guess they were buddies or something³. Unfortunately, the asian attendant didn't know what was going and pulled out a shotgun and started screaming in Mandarin at them. My gf and I slowly slid out the door (without my change mind you) as the midget started screaming back at the woman. We waited outside for about five minutes and Adam walked out. We asked what happened and he shrugged, mumbling something about how he wouldn't be able to buy his vodka from that shop for a couple weeks. We got in his car and proceeded to the stadium.

Tune in tomorrow...or whenever I write the conclusion.

¹Some events may be exaggerated for entertainment purposes.

²I was on a mission to eat a Pink's hot dog. Watching mostly the Food Network and other cooking shows, I have seen many stories on the famed dog, which I was bound to taste in person.

³Adam would like to clarify that the man's name is Marcel and technically he is a dwarf.

Aramis Ramirez: Hitting Machine

2010-07-10T11:34:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to Aramis Ramirez who managed to bring his batting average back up above .200 for the first time since April 9.

Also congratulations to Ted Lilly for continuing to kill his trade value. I'm really looking forward to the two A-ball pitchers we'll get from the Mets for him that will never see the light of day in the majors.

I still hate this team.

Marlon Byrd Cubs' Lone All-Star

2010-07-06T08:26:00.004-05:00

Marlon Byrd and his glorious guns are going to Anaheim for the All-Star Game. Along with the emergence of Tyler Colvin, the reemergence of Carlos Silva, and the Marshall/Marmol tandem at the back end of the bullpen, Byrd has been one of the few bright spots on this pathetic excuse for a team. Marlon is batting .304 this season with 9 homeruns and 36 RBIs. Along with Miguel Cabrera and Jayson Werth, he leads the Majors in doubles with 26. His leadership has stabilized the outfield defense and he himself has been better than advertised in center. He's quickly become a fan favorite and a clubhouse presence. And he manages to do all that without being a colossal pain in the ass. Plus he's just fucking cool.

The Cubs manage to avoid suffering the ignominy of their single All-Star being a relief pitcher, long the hallmark of bottom-feeding teams. While Carloses Marmol and Silva might also have deserved consideration, it's nice that Byrd's stellar season hasn't gone unnoticed.

This is Byrd's first All-Star selection and it's well earned. Keep up the great work, Marlon. You're one of the few players I hope the Cubs keep around after this exercise in torture ends October 3rd.

My Two Minutes of Hate: the 2010 Chicago Cubs

2010-06-28T09:50:00.000-05:00

I can't decide if I hate this team more than the 2006 Cubs. It's all a moot point really If I have to draw comparisons to 2006 then chances are the 2010 Cubs are pretty high on my list of most reviled seasons.

We have yet too reach the All-Star break and I already have grown tired of this bullshit squad. It certainly has made my desire to blog about the Cubs completely deteriorate. So much so that I'm taking a hiatus from writing about them. I may pop on with something here or there this season but until something takes a gigantic turn for the better I'll remain a ghost on EOC. I also will be spending time on a new blogging venture I plan to launch next month. One that is not tied to this miserable franchise, so I'm looking forward to once again blog about something that I actually enjoy. Such a novel concept.

So this isn't good bye necessarily, just a note that I'll be on vacation somewhere else so I may not be around here much for the remainder of the summer. I'll be back eventually, and maybe when I do return the Cubs will be minus a few people, notably everyone in management and a good handful of aging veterans. I really don't care if the large majority of these guys stick around. Here's the team I want in 2011:

Marlon Byrd, Tyler Colvin, Geovany Soto, Starlin Castro, Andrew Cashner, Sean Marshall, Carlos Marmol.

The rest can go join Jeff Samardzija in Wolter's Firebarn.

The 2010 Cubs. Giving me horrible flashbacks of 2006.

Don't look Neifi in the eyes or your body will be riddled with mediocrity!

Raging Bull

2010-06-26T21:59:00.007-05:00

Hoo boy. Just when I think the Cubs can't possibly get any worse, they find a way. Friday, El Toro Loco finally crossed the line between Manny Ramirez Loopiness and full Milton Bradley Craztytown. Zambrano gave up four runs in the first inning and then stormed into the dugout practically foaming at the mouth, apparently angry that DLee and Aramis didn't dive for the two groundball liners the Sox smacked. Zambrano managed to anger Derrek Lee, who could be seen to shout back "That's bullshit!" at Carlos as Piniella, Trammel, and Rothschild moved between the two. Piniella sent Zambrano home and later on he was suspended indefinitely. If and when he returns, Zambrano will return to the bullpen.

I've been a Carlos Zambrano fan for the last eight years. In the past, I've defended his emotional outbursts and chalked it up to his passion for the game. I can't defend this one. It kills me to say this, but it's time the Cubs parted ways with El Toro Loco. It's become clear that he's not going to mature the way that we all had hoped. It's a goddamn shame because Zambrano has the stuff to be an ace pitcher, but he can't get beyond his petulant childishness to put it all together. While most of the blame must reside with Zambrano himself, the Cubs bear some of the brunt of responsibility. Up until now, they've done little to correct Z's aberrant behavior beyond spouting vacant platitudes. This is partly their mess and now they have to clean it up.

This is pretty much it for me with this team this year. I've fucking had it. I'm not giving up being a Cub fan and I'm not going to pick another team or anything like that. It's too late for that. The Cubs are like heroin. I don't like being a junkie, but I am and I'm too lazy to quit. But I can back off the doses and that's what I'm going to do. I've already been missing more games this year and I see that trend continuing. This team has fallen apart and it's just too damn depressing to watch, so fuck it.

Exile on Madison: Buff Bomb

2010-06-24T08:25:00.004-05:00

Well, we knew it was coming. With the payroll as it stood, the Blackhawks were going to have to make some tough decisions regarding the future of the team. Still, it was hard to see the news last night that the Hawks dealt playoff star and fan favorite Dustin Byfuglien to the Atlanta Thrashers last night. Over the last few years, Byfuglien had become my favorite player on the team, so I'm really sorry to see the big man go. He was almost traded before the trade deadline, so I guess it's good that he stuck around long enough to notch 11 playoff goals, which included 5 game winners, and win a Stanley Cup. Along with Big Buff, the Hawks also sent our #1 goon, Ben Eager, human bruise Brent Sopel, and prospect Akim Aliu to Atlanta in return for first and second round draft picks, center Marty Reasoner, and forwards Joey Crabb, and Jeremy Morin. I don't know enough about the East to say whether or not the Hawks got a good deal or not.

I knew a move had to be made to clear cap space, but I was really hoping it wouldn't be Big Buff, since we don't really have another big guy like him on the team. I would have rather seen the Hawks deal Kris Versteeg or maybe even Patrick Sharp. There may be more moves to come, so any of the guys not locked up long term (Toews, Kane, Hossa, Keith) may be fair game. An unwelcome reminder that sports is a business as well as a pleasure.

So long, Big Buff. Thanks for your part in making the playoffs this year something to remember. It was awesome.

This Week on "Los Cubs": Slap Fight in Seattle

2010-06-22T08:35:00.005-05:00

Welcome to This Week on "Los Cubs," where we attempt to inject story and plot to a team that can occasionally make getting through a season unbearable. By treating it like a TV show, we can at least hold out hope that something amazing/cathartic/non rage inducing will happen to resolve things comfortably by October. Plus, Telenovelas are way more entertaining than Bob Howry giving up a three run homer out of the pen.

Last Week

This Week on "Los Cubs": After dropping a series as fast as humanly possible to the cross-city meth addicts, the Boys in Blue finally won their first series in six tries against an Oakland team that decided not to get anyone warmed up in the pen after their reliever walked the bases full in the 9th with one out. Riding that wave, they promptly decided to play like crap for the next two days, winning the final game of the series with a technique that baseball pundits term "Retard Strength."

It is worth noting, however, that the then-first place Central team took to Seattle last weekend and scored 1 run in three games. So as bad as the Cubs can play, the division is willing to match us in mediocrity.

This Week

- Lou Piniella will continue to say that he's done everything humanly possible to give the team a chance at success. This is because he believes that Tyler Colvin, much like the Great Gazoo, exists only in his head.

- The Cubs visit a team just as bad as they are in the Pacific Northwest. Not only is their record worse, but they decided earlier this year that trading for Milton Bradley was a good idea.

- The weekend sees the conclusion of the BP Sorry About Your Coastline and Livelihood Meaningless Shit Trophy. The food stampers from across town hold a 2-1 lead, and have won 10 of 11. SPOILER ALERT! This ends with Jeff Baker looking at a discarded crack pipe on Archer Avenue and shedding a single tear.

- No one can seem to find Jeff Samardzija, until his bloated corpse is found floating in an Iowa quarry, clad in a navy and gold ND-themed gimp suit. The hunt for justice begins ...

My Two Minutes of Hate: Glenn Beck

2010-06-21T08:27:00.005-05:00

Exile on Clark is not a political blog. We're here to (hopefully) entertain you, not bore you with our political positions. So first of all, this is not a political rant per se, although it may briefly mention a political position. Secondly, this post is going to involve soccer, so if you hate soccer, feel free to stop reading right now. (Furthermore, I have no problem if you legitimately hate soccer. Not everyone can like every sport. I personally hate basketball, both college and NBA.) I won't blame you. I'm not here to shove soccer down anyone's throat, but I have to toss my two cents in.

Last week, Glenn Beck said this about the Beautiful Game: "I don't get the baseball thing, but the soccer thing, I hate it so much-probably because the rest of the world likes it so much, and they riot over it, and continually try to jam it down our throat . . . It doesn't matter how you sell it to us. It doesn't matter how many celebrities you get. It doesn't matter how many bars open early. It doesn't matter how many beer commercials they run. We don't want the World Cup, we don't like the World Cup, we don't like soccer, we want nothing to do with it. You can package it any way-you can spend all kinds of money. You can force it on our television sets. We will not enjoy the World Cup."

He later went on to compare the popularity of soccer to Barack Obama's policies, but I won't go into that on this site. My biggest problem with the Beckster is his use of the royal "we" in his little tirade, intimating that he speaks for all Americans in his hatred for soccer. As I mentioned above, I dislike the NBA and basketball, but I would never assume to speak for the rest of the country on the matter. If you read further into Becks's rant, it's implied that to like soccer is somehow UnAmerican and by liking soccer, you're embracing socialism. All those years that I played the sport and little did I know I was being indoctrinated!

Glenn, if you don't like soccer, that's fine. But don't presume to include me, an American, in your little piss and moan session. Judging by the ratings thus far, there's a lot of people who feel the way that I do about the sport. How dare you question me or anyone else in this country based merely on whether we enjoy a fucking team sport? It sounds to me like you're disparaging my "Americanness". For your information, my first exposure to soccer was on an American airbase in West Germany. Most of the soccer I played during my childhood years was with the other children of servicemen and women and never once, did we feel like we were playing a "European" sport that was destroying the fabric of America. You seriously need to get a grip on reality.

As for jamming soccer down your throat . . . the World Cup takes place every four years and like it or not, happens to be one of the premier sporting events in the world. ESPN has chosen to broadcast the games. Much like FOX does with your crappy show, they promote the events they choose to broadcast in order to boost ratings. By boosting ratings, they increase the chance of selling ad space to sponsors (and stay with me here) in order to make money. Sounds suspiciously like capitalism to me, but what the fuck do I know? I'm apparently not a Real American™. ESPN and FIFA attempt to package the game to better appeal to American sports fans in order to reach a wider market. Nobody's jamming it down your throat any more than the NFL jams the Super Bowl or MLB jams the All-Star Game down America's throat every year. It's a business, jackass. I thought you believed in business?

Another thing that irks me is that right now, America has a team of athletes competing in the World Cup. For how long, who knows? But just like Olympians, these athletes are competing for their country. They represent you, Glenn Beck, and me, on the world stage. Hate the sport if you want. If by some crazy, impossible chance Landon Donovan and company manage to win this thing (now who's crazy, huh?), are you going to berate them for their "socialist agenda"?

And in closing, you don't "get the whole baseball thing"? Jesus Christ. If you can't figure the whole baseball thing out, do us all a favor and stay home with your tinfoil hat on. You shouldn't be operating heavy machinery or broadcasting your thoughts to millions every day.

Worst Team Ever?

2010-06-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

As a Cub fan, I've put up with a lot of shit over the years. DustyBall, Juan Pierre, towel drills, Antonio Alfonseca, Mel fucking Rojas, watching Greg Maddux walk away, watching Mark Grace (Ron Coomer? Fucking seriously?) walk away, Jim Hendry, Neifi Perez, Sosa and his expanding . . . ego (not to mention his corked bats), Moises Alou temper tantrums, Andy McFail, the Tribune ownership, Neal Cotts, LaTroy Hawkins, Larry Rothschild keeping a job through three managers, the decline of Steve Stone into dickishness, the Chip Caray years, the Milton Bradley Experiment, Todd Hundley, 2003, 1998, 2007, 2008, dumbasses blowing up the Bartman ball, Aaron Heilman, all the fucking goat jokes I'll ever need, Dawson going in the Hall as an Expo, Santo not even going into the Hall, the canonization of The Riot and Sam Fuld, Furcal breaking DLee's wrist, the Patterson/Pie/Bowie/Prior/Hill/Dubois/Choi/Kelton hype, the 14 game losing streak that opened 1997, Zambrano to the bullpen, the cast of misfits whom manned third until Aramis's arrival in 2003, Kyle Farnsworthless, watching Nomar tear his groin off the bone, Chad Fox and his cavalcade of injuries, Chads & Trixies, letting Kerry Wood walk away (even though he hasn't been good for Cleveland, it still irks me), Horry Kow T-shirts, the "It's Gonna Happen" asshat, Felix Heridia, but what in the name of Jim Riggleman's sunglasses is going on with this goddamn team?

The Cubs lost last night to the Athletics 9-5. The Cubs tallied 4 errors in the game, 2 in one inning by former Gold Glover Derrek Lee and 2 from usually defensively sound Tyler Colvin. There were also other mental gaffes involving the cutoff man. This team just keeps getting worse and worse as the year rolls on. There are beer softball teams who have better fundamentals than these guys do. Even in the truly stinky years, I always looked forward to watching the Cubs. This is the first year that being a Cub fan has felt like a damn job. I'm just glad I had the Stanley Cup playoffs to watch and right now, the World Cup is going on. Shit, I even watched the frickin' Tony Awards with the wife on Sunday rather than watch this collection of stiffs.

Saturday's game against the White Sox illustrated just how bad the Cubs have been for most of the season with runners on base. Last night's game was a microcosm of how bad the defense has been. The Cubs have gotten good starting pitching (aside from Wells), but that won't last if the team can't field their positions. Zambrano and Silva both pitched well enough to win their last starts. Ted Lilly was lucky to get the one run he did on Sunday and luckier that nobody behind him fucked up the way they did last night. I'm beginning to lean more and more toward blowing this team up. Our minor leaguers may not play any better, but at least they might be fun to watch while they suck it up. The current team is a multi-million dollar trainwreck that only seems to play decent baseball two days out of the week, if that.

Things Currently Pissing Me Off

2010-06-16T07:30:00.006-05:00

I haven't written a post in quite a while, which means I have lots to complain about. Some of this stuff has already been tackled by people with much more insight, tact and humor than myself, but I'll be dammed if I'm going to let that stop me.

MLB.com

It amazes me that the official website for Major League Baseball has the same high standards as the filthy porn sites I visit. Come on now, pop-up ads in this day & age? Most stadiums are now Wi-Fi hotspots, homerun calls can be reviewed instantly from afar, and fans thousands of miles away can view an accurate pitch-by-pitch account of a game within seconds of the action. (Ok, I was being a little generous with the last one.) But still, you'd think that Major League Baseball wouldn't need to resort to outdated revenue streams when the average player's salary is over $3 million. How much can Netflix be paying them?

Also, how come there's no option to stay logged-in on their site? My fucking bank keeps me logged in longer than MLB.com. Having to wait while their graphics-heavy, Yankees-centric homepage loads is a big enough hassle; being asked to log-in multiple times per day is just too much. Hey MLB.com, why don't you replace the pre-checked "I would like to receive newsletters and promotions from MLB.com and their partners" box with one that allows people to stay logged in to your website? Greedy faggots.

Blackouts
This past Saturday, the Cubs/White Sox game was one of the Fox games of the week. Even though I live in Los Angeles, the Dodgers & Angels played a late game, so I was slightly optimistic that the Cubs game would air in my region. But those assholes at Fox decided that southern California should watch the Phillies vs. Red Sox. With the Red Sox & Phillies being the heated division rivals of both the Dodgers & Angels, lying in closer geographic proximity to L.A. than Chicago, and with Boston & Philly renewing their age-old 300+ mile rivalry, it made perfect sense that I should be restricted to this game on the West Coast.

Being the money-grubbing whores that they are, MLB.TV imposes a blackout for all the weekend games on Fox and ESPN, so I couldn't stream the Cubs games through their site (even though I shelled out over $100 for MLB.tv for the fucking season), and a Chinese pirate broadcast was nowhere to be found anywhere on the internet. I completely understand. After all, what kind of Monday-Friday, 9-5 working, cubicle-dwelling slob who doesn't get any chance to see their team during the week would want to watch their team play their cross-town rivals on the weekend anyway?

I thought the point of blacking out games online was so that MLB wouldn't be competing with local television markets if the games were available on local TV. If a game isn't available locally, why the fuck can't I watch it online? I guess the geniuses at Fox & MLB assume I'll just plunk my ass down and waste 3 hours of my precious weekend watching whatever game they cram down my gullet, even if I don't happen to care about it. I already do that. It's this thing in October called the playoffs.

The NBA Finals

Speaking of playoffs: What's mostly black, mind-numbingly dull, and lasts a really long time? If you answered my cousin's ex-boyfriend Marcus, you'd be right. If you answered the NBA Playoffs, you'd also be right.

The NBA playoffs have been going on since mid-April. To put this another way: When the 2010 NBA Playoffs started, the Deepwater Horizon oilrig was perfectly fine.

Since I don't care about the NBA in the least, the absurd length of the playoffs shouldn't affect me at all. Unfortunately, the lousy finals are on ABC, so I keep missing Jeopardy because of this bullshit. Instead of 30 minutes of answers, questions & Alex Trebek, I get 2+ hours of bad fundamentals, obvious traveling & Kobe sulking (win or lose). As an added bonus: If the Lakers win Game 7, crazed fans will trash my neighborhood & set fire to city buses. I can't fucking wait.

Miracle Whip

Others have already made fun of Miracle Whip's new jaw-droopingly insane ad campaign, but I'm astounded that the entire television viewing public hasn't revolted over THIS COMMERCIAL.

In case you didn't click on the link, here's my hypothetical synopsis: A bunch of upper-middle class white kids & a couple of their token ethnic friends convened on the roof of their overpriced loft to discuss the pertinent issues that young white kids struggle with day in & day out. At this special session, they determined that Grizzly Bear is the voice of their generation, the rest of America is too stupid to grasp the significance of the World Cup, and mayo is for fat slobs while Miracle Whip is the path to self-expression.

This commercial makes me feel old. Perhaps I'm just bitter because I look more like the fat old guy who is "so mayo" than I do the younger assholes partying it up with the Miracle Whip. It's possible that the pretentious voice-over is throwing me off. I mean, who writes a creepy leftist manifesto about a condiment anyway? Or maybe I'm so out of the loop that Miracle Whip really is some exciting topping that I should be putting on all my food. Maybe they start putting habanero in this shit? Last I checked, it was mostly vinegar, soybean oil & corn syrup. All I know for sure is that an open jar of Miracle Whip + a day of partying on a hot roof = food poisoning. Also, if anyone starts lurching at me while holding a jar of Miracle Whip, I'd probably punch 'em in the fucking face. No jury would convict me.

Cubs of Yore Battle Royale Round 1, Pete LaCock Region

2010-06-15T15:42:00.001-05:00

After a much longer than anticipated hiatus, the Cubs of Yore Battle Royale is back and continues on with first round matches in the Pete LaCock Region. But first let's recap the final scores out of the Jose Cardenal Region.

Glenallen Hill - 23
Doug Glanville - 9

Rich Harden - 13
Rey Sanchez - 15

Mike Bielecki - 14
Glendon Rusch - 12

Mark Grudzielanek - 19
Doug Dascenzo - 10

Just like before, I will outline each matchup, giving the readers a little background about each player. Once you've finished reading, you are then encouraged to vote for your favorite player to win the battle in the polls located in the right sidebar. The polls will run until Thursday afternoon-ish where they will then be closed and the winners announced.

PETE LaCOCK REGION, ROUND 1

#1 Steve Trout vs. #8 Ron Cey

STEVE TROUT FAST FACTS*

Hails from Detroit.
Played with Cubs for 5 years.
The last Cub to pitch back-to-back complete game shutouts, which were his last games with the Cubs.
Helped the team reach the playoffs in the oft-heralded 1984 season.
Was no stranger to the occasional burrito-eating contest.
This.

RON CEY FAST FACTS*

Nicknamed "The Penguin" for his slow waddling running gait.
6 time All-Star, but never as a Cub.
True to his nickname, only eats krill.
Waddled his way around the bases with an inside the park home run at Wrigley in 1983.
Has one reascended testicle.

#4 Eric Karros vs. #5 Les Lancaster

ERIC KARROS FAST FACTS*

Received Degree in Economics from UCLA with thesis entitled: "The Economicon: How to Use The Army of Darkness in Everyday Economics".
Most famous person from Hackensack, New Jersey.
Has secret footage of the infamous downfall of the 2003 Cubs postseason. (link)
According to Tommy Lasorda, "(Karros) looks great in a speedo."
1992 NL Rookie of the Year.

LES LANCASTER FAST FACTS*

Hails from Texas.
Played with the Cubs for 5 years.
1.36 ERA in 1989, and won Game 2 of the NLCS against the SF Giants.
Greatest MLB pitcher ever named Les. (Sorry Mr. Walrond)
Current manager of the Sioux City Explorers.

#3 Turk Wendell vs. #6 Reed Johnson

TURK WENDELL FAST FACTS*

Hails from Massachusetts.
Played with Cubs for 5 years.
Insisted that the umpire roll the ball to the mound rather than simply throw it to him. If an umpire would ignorantly throw the ball to him, Wendell was known to let it go past him, or even to let it bounce off his chest, after which he would retrieve it from the ground.
Wore a necklace made from the claws and teeth of various animals he had hunted and killed.
The "Ted Nugent" of baseball.
Was incredibly vocal about Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa using steroids.
Beaned Vlad Guerrero in a game once and afterward said, "If he doesn't like it, he can freakin' go back to the Dominican and find another line of work."

REED JOHNSON FAST FACTS*

Robbed Prince Fielder of his first career Grand Slam. (link)
One of only five major league players to have a lead off and walk off home run in the same game.
Has been hit by a pitch in three different at bats in one game twice in his career.
Along with Aaron Miles, Joey Gathright and Mike Fontenot, is a member of the 2009 Hobbits of Wrigley.
Suffers from automatonophobia, the fear of wax statues.
Seemingly well liked everywhere he plays.

#2 Matt Clement vs. #7 Brian McRae

MATT CLEMENT FAST FACTS*

Had sixth lowest run support in NL in 2004 at 2.63 runs per game.
Had seventh highest number of K's in 2004 at 190.
2004 record 9-13 in 30 starts.
Despite peer pressure from many teammates, has never been to an IKEA.
Now the Head Coach of his High School's basketball team.
Blamed for this stupid fad.

BRIAN McRAE FAST FACTS*

Hails from Florida.
Son of All-Star DH Hal McRae.
Played with Cubs for 3 years.
Acquired from the Royals for Geno Morones and Derek Wallace. Wallace threw in 33 career major league innings. Morones never even got a cup of coffee.
Known for his speed, McRae led the '96 Cubs in stolen bases with 37. In '95 he stole 27, which was second best on the team behind Skinny Sammy Sosa.
Was born with a full five o'clock shadow.
Took pain killers while playing in New York, more than likely to deaden the feeling of playing for a worse franchise at the time than the Cubs.

*Some of the Fast Facts may not be true.

What If The Cubs Were Run Like The Blackhawks?

2010-06-11T08:33:00.007-05:00

The Cubs lost another close game last night, falling to the Brewers 5-4 on a throwing error by Xavier Nady. Still basking in the glow of a Blackhawks' Stanley Cup win, I asked myself this morning what the Cubs would be like if they took a page from their neighbors on Madison. See, the Hawks were in even worse shape than the Cubs not all that long ago. While the Cubs likely can't hire John McDonough back, there are a few things they might be able to do to get back on the right track.

1. Don't Hire the Fan Favorite Manager

Lou Piniella's contract is up at the end of the season and the Cubs are going to be tempted to make Ryne Sandberg the manager next season. I've advocated for this in the past, but after giving it some thought, I'm not so sure this is the right move. Sure, Ryno is the fan favorite, but how are those fans going to feel about him if he fails miserably? The Blackhawks hired fan favorite Dennis Savard, only to realize that they needed someone like Joel Quennville to mold their young team. They replaced Savard with Coach Q early in the 2008 season and just over a season later, the Hawks are hoisting the Stanley Cup.

The Cubs could do the same for their team by hiring a tough manager who emphasizes fundamentals. Years of playing DustyBall and now LouBall seems to have taken its toll on the Cubs' players. Our fundamentals suck and have sucked for years without anyone doing anything but talk about fixing it. The solution is to bring in a guy like Trey Hillman, who isn't afraid to step on people's toes and fix what needs to be fixed. Sure, maybe his record in Kansas City wasn't stellar, but he's a hard-nosed manager who won't take any shit from superstar crybabies who can't field their position. You give this guy a talented team in a division that's actually winnable and I think he could do for the Cubs what Quennville did for the Hawks. Or what John Madden and Ron Gardenhire have done for their teams.

2. Go Younger

I know that this is going to be hard to do, as some of our big fat contracts are for players over the 30 year mark. Soriano obviously isn't going anywhere, as no one is going to be dumb enough to take that contract, so you're stuck with him. Trade Kosuke Fukudome (which should have been done mid-May, while he was scorching the ball) and start playing Tyler Colvin every day. Hell, even if you can't trade Kosuke, start playing Tyler Colvin every day. And while you're at it, Xavier Nady is only allowed to pinch hit off the bench. Maybe, maybe, a spot start every once in a while to keep his bat fresh, but if I'm the Cubs, Colvin and Byrd have to play almost every day. The days where you have to give Nady a start, Colvin plays left and Soriano sits.

This really hurts me to say, but I would also trade Aramis Ramirez and Carlos Zambrano, either by the trade deadline or the offseason. Ramirez has had a bad year, but there are plenty of teams who would take a chance on him rebounding, the Angels for one. And Zambrano may have gotten off to a shaky start and endured the bullpen nonsense, but he's still a solid arm that a lot of teams would covet. Those two guys are my favorite current Cubs and I would hate to see them go, but I think that's the only way the Cubs could get some decent prospects in return. I would also trade Ryan Theriot and go with a platoon of Fonetenot and Baker until some of the younger middle infielders are ready. It's time for the Cubs to really use the farm and bring more guys up to join Colvin, Castro, and Soto.

3. Resign Derrek Lee.

Whoa, wait a minute, Goreo, I thought you just said the team needs to get younger. I did, but Derrek Lee is an exception because he's the Cubs' Jonathon Toews. I would even give him the "C" to wear on his jersey. He's the quiet leader who leads by example and he and Marlon Byrd could provide the player-level leadership the Cubs will need over the next couple of seasons. Like Toews, Derrek's intangibles outweigh his age. Plus, the Cubs don't yet have a legitimate replacement in their system. Micah Hoffpauier is not that guy. Neither is Alfonso Soriano, whose name has come up as a possibility to move to first. The Cubs need to keep Derrek for the same reason the Rockies keep Todd Helton around. He may not be a 3-4 hitter in the seasons to come, but his value goes beyond what he can do with the bat.

4. Have a Plan

The Blackhawks seemed to have a plan. Draft well and build the team slowly, add free agents who fit in with the team being constructed, and exercise patience. Their plan came to fruition earlier than it was supposed to, but only because of the talent level the team possessed. If the Cubs exercised a similar plan over the next five years, they could do what the Hawks have done and build a solid team of young fundamentally sound ballplayers. In order to do that, obviously the Ricketts have to clean house, because this plan will never work with Jim Hendry in charge. I would try and steal someone from the Rays, the Twins, or maybe try and get Kevin Towers on the North Side. The baseball draft is always a crap shoot, but do the best you can to draft fundamentally sound players and trade your veterans for the same. The current Cub plan seems to be throwing money at veterans and hyping the wrong prospects and then destroying a player's value before dumping him off on some other team. Great plan.

That's four things I could think of. If the Cubs do decide to get younger, they'll probably lose a bunch of games over the next few years. I'm fine with that at this point. If they're gonna suck, I'd rather watch a young team suck as they grow into the game rather than a bunch of overpaid vets who still can't field the ball. Start now and maybe by 2015, the Cubs could be real contenders. The way they're going now, the payroll keeps going up while their place in the standings keeps going down. Time for a change.

Exile on Madison: Lord Stanley is Coming to Chicago, Baby!

2010-06-09T23:20:00.003-05:00

Holy crap, what a game! Patrick Kane scores in overtime to secure the Blackhawks' first Stanley Cup in 49 years! My God, what a damn nailbiter. Awesome game, awesome series, and a freaking great season from Chicago's best sports team. The Flyers put up a helluva fight and this series was sometimes gut-wrenching to watch. Final score Hawks 4, Flyers 3.

I'm so excited right now, I don't know what to do with myself. The only thing sweeter would be a Cubs World Series win. Just a few quick hits: Big Buff scored yet again, Patrick Sharp and Andrew Ladd also had goals for the Hawks. Antti Niemi made some incredible stops. Captain Johnny Toews was awarded the Conn Smythe Trophy as the Stanley Cup playoff MVP. Marion Hossa wins his first Stanley Cup in his third straight attempt.

If I didn't have to work tomorrow, I would so be drinking right now. Way to go Hawks! Respect the Indian!

Carlos Silva: One Team's Trash is Another Team's Treasure

2010-06-08T17:23:00.012-05:00

December 18, 2009 was a day that saw many Seattle Mariners and Chicago Cubs fans mutually happy. A majority of Cubs fans were happy to see Milton Bradley go and many Mariners fans were elated to accept him for what they considered to be a cancerous Silva.

In fact, a Seattle Times poll asked fans what they thought of the trade. An astounding 11,022 (93%) voters said, "Yes" it was a good deal back in December. That was compared to 822 (7%) that thought it was a bad move.

To this point Silva has been a sparkling gem to an otherwise dull season start. Currently he is the only Cubs starter that has a winning record. At 8-0 he has the best start to a season since Ken Holtzman went 9-0 in 1967. My father was 8.

Silva has a legitimate shot at being the only Cubs player to make the All-Star game, but that might not be the only great moment of his season. June 22-24 the Cubs play a series at Safeco Field and it's looking as if Silva will have a shot at pitching against the club and fans that couldn't wait to see him leave on June 24th.

IWU Titans Win Division III World Series

2010-06-08T15:34:00.004-05:00

Not that anyone out there who still reads this website cares, but last week my alma mater, Illinois Wesleyan University, won the Division III World Series 17-5 over SUNY Cortland. Congrats to the Titans on a great season. If you give a shit, you can read more here. The Titans were 31 and 21 for the season. Way to go fellas!

Another Patented Goreo Crazy Trade Idea

2010-06-08T08:44:00.007-05:00

It's been a while since I actually wrote something about baseball, but given that my internet connection kept crapping out the last few times I've tried to write about the Blackhawks, I'm taking that as a sign that I need to actually put up a Cubs post (That and with one win needed to secure a Stanley Cup, I'm too damn nervous to write anything worth a shit about hockey anyway).

Anyway, I had kind of an off the wall idea the other day that I'd like to share: trade Ryan Theriot. Look, I know the guy is a fan favorite and all, but with the addition of Starlin Castro, the Cubs have a plethora of middle infielders right now, plus more of them in our system (Darwin Barney, DJ LeMahieu, etc). Of all of them, Theriot is probably the most attractive trade chip, at least in my opinion. And I'll be honest, I've never really gotten the whole The Riot lovefest thing in Chicago. I'm not saying I actively hate the guy, like Bad Kermit over at HJE, but if he were on a different team tomorrow, I'd shrug and go "Meh". Mike Fontenot and Jeff Baker could easily platoon at 2nd for the rest of the season and probably combine for equal or better numbers than Theriot.

I even have a destination in mind: San Diego. Why San Diego? Why not? They've put together a good season to this point and unless something drastic happens, they're likely to be buyers rather than sellers, but they're still not going to be able to buy much with their payroll as it is. Currently, they're running the corpse of David Eckstein out there at short and maybe they'd like the 2010 version. Right now shortstop Everth Cabrera is on the DL and they've recalled some kid named Zawadzki to fill in. With his ability to play short and second, Theriot would give them some flexibility and he'd fit right in with their current youth movement.

And the return? Tim Stauffer. The Padres have a lot of good young pitching, so I think they could afford to give up Stauffer, who's rehabbing in Triple A after an emergency appendectomy. Stauffer's been great as a starter, but he's also logged some bullpen time. He could be a fantastic addition to the Cubs relief core. In 23.1 innings pitched this year, Stauffer has 2 wins, 19 Ks, and an 0 .39 ERA with a 0.94 WHIP. Not too shabby. I'd love to see him pitch out of the bullpen and maybe compete for a rotation spot next season.

Let's be clear: this is not a trade rumor. It's bad speculation at best. Could this trade ever happen? Probably not. So why did I write the post? Probably for the same reason you read it.

This Week on "The Cubs": Crosstown Classic ... of Apathy

2010-06-07T14:32:00.004-05:00

Welcome to This Week on "The Cubs," where we attempt to inject story and plot to a team that can occasionally make getting through a season unbearable. By treating it like a TV show, we can at least hold out hope that something amazing/cathartic/non rage inducing will happen to resolve things comfortably by October.

Last Week

Our heroes were beset by as many divisional foes as humanly possible in a week's time. They fell, due to the dual menaces of offensive malaise and ... more offensive malaise. In managing to drop a game to the previously 0-7 Felipe Paulino, hardcore fans took solace in the fact that Zambrano didn't actively ruin the team's chances of victory. So yeah, it's one of those years...

This Week

- A trip to the barren Northland beckons, against a foe who the Cubs have not managed to get owned by. Recent results tell us that they will soon likely correct that oversight.

- The MLB draft approaches, and a bold choice must be made. ESPN says that the Cubs "aren't afraid to take risks," which, translated into actual meaning, means that the Cubs aren't afraid to pay an assload of money to a guy who will top out in Daytona.

- Two titans of the Second City will wrest for control of the Toxic Oil Spill Crosstown Piece of Shit Trophy. A rapt world will yawn and change the channel to reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

- Aramis Ramirez will face down his evil twin in a fight for his very soul. Unfortunately, the gun he needs to end the ordeal only has 9 bullets in the clip. Everyone knows that he requires 10 attempts to score one hit. Will he survive?

- Carlos Zambrano! Doin' stuff ... probably.

Adventure! Excitement! Mediocrity! All of that and more, this week, on "The Cubs."

You Make the Call: MLB Draft Edition

2010-06-07T14:30:00.000-05:00

Bryce Harper.............or............Bryce Harper?

The difference here is, the duck didn't actually choose to wear that shit on his face.

Exile on Madison: Flyers Take Game Three 4-3 in Overtime

2010-06-03T09:18:00.004-05:00

I was hoping not to have to use the angry Khabibulin picture again this year, but it was too much to hope that the Blackhawks would sweep the Philadelphia Flyers. Once again, the game was decided by one goal, this time in an exciting overtime that ended with a Claude Giroux goal that slipped through goalie Antti Niemi. Niemi had a pretty solid night between the pipes, saving 28 of 32 attempts, but it wasn't enough to stop the home team. The Blackhawks got goals from defensemen Duncan Keith and Brent Sopel before the first line finally broke through in the third period with a goal from Patrick Kane.

The Flyers' defense has done a terrific job of holding down the first line and are taking some good shots at Niemi. One gets the feeling that the Hawks have yet to play their best hockey, as they've looked a little lackluster at times. The power play has been especially bad, as the Hawks have yet to score with the advantage, whereas the Flyers have converted on several. The Blackhawks need to fix the power play issues, tighten up the defense, and eliminate some of the bad turnovers. Despite the loss, I'm still impressed with Antti Niemi. He gave up several juicy rebounds in Game 3, at least one of which led to a goal, but by the end of the game, he had begun to control the puck better, making adjustments on the fly. This kid is really damn good. He learns from his mistakes and adapts to each team he faces. He'll be a restricted free agent at the end of the season and first priority needs to be tendering him a new contract.

Game 4 is Friday night in Philly. Hopefully, the Hawks can play tough and steal a game on the road and come back to Chicago and win it.