Thank you all for contributing and sharing your stories with the rest of us.  I am very proud of Expecting Words, not just for its unique content, but for its readers who rarely SCREAMED at other readers.  Mostly, commenters supported one another with the message that you are not alone in this.  Thank you!

Though this chapter comes to a close, the learning never ends…   For one thing, a project is currently in development to transform Expecting Words into another user-friendly website.  I promise to keep you in the loop on that via my newsletter.

In addition, I am excited to share the great news that I am now blogging at Huffington Post on relationship, divorce and parenting topics and you can sign up for HuffPo email alerts when I post a new story. My most recent post is here: “Why Your Mate’s Flaws GROW After Marriage.”

Finally, I am thrilled to announce that you will likely find my new nationally syndicated relationship column “Fight Less, Love More” in your local parents magazine.  Over 3 million readers will be inspired each month by my new column offering insightful advice to help families thrive.  Please sign up for my newsletter here for an update on when and where the column will appear.

For group discussions, insights on current events and notice of my blog posts and columns you can follow me on twitter and Facebook.

If you have any questions or comments please email me at laurie@lauriepuhn.com

Before closing, I sincerely want to thank ViaCord for creating the Expecting Words blog that brought information, community and joy to expecting couples.  Thank you!

Related posts:

1. Goodbye First Trimester, Hello Nuchal
2. My Breastfeeding Story
3. Is Relationship Reinvention Necessary?

So what’s the problem?  Well it’s not exactly a problem, it’s more of a question: When do you discipline another person’s child?  Now I’m not talking about spanking another baby for pulling Emma’s hair, but what does a concerned parent do when another baby seems especially fascinated by my daughter, continuously interrupting her play, pulling her hair and putting his hands on her face?  At first, it’s cute, then annoying, and then rude (rude on the part of the caregiver, not the baby).  Why isn’t that other baby’s caregiver stepping in to pull him away?  Why am I spending more time moving away from him, than I am playing with my daughter?

Last week, I took my kids to Temple and a similar, but worse, thing happened.  I was in the babysitting room with Emma (I stayed there with her because she is only 8.5 months), and there was an older boy, maybe three years old, who was taking away the blocks that Emma and I were playing with.  I invited him to join our game of building towers and knocking them down.  He had trouble sharing and taking turns, and he repeatedly knocked down the tower with a truck that he flew in the air.  Oh, boy.  Where was the “babysitter”?  Here I was unsuccessfully trying to teach this kid about being gentle with babies, no throwing trucks, and taking turns.  After 5 minutes, I didn’t want to babysit him anymore, so I left the room.  I  carried Emma around for another half hour until my son’s children’s service was over.

Now, this is not a big deal.  Children are not supposed to be perfect.  Respect and empathy are learned skills for all.  I have no ideal expectations, but I do get frustrated when my own children suffer, not from disrespectful kids, but from unsupervised disrespectful kids.

In fact, recently my son had a playdate with someone new.  The child was normal in his “mine, mine, mine” behavior, but his nanny just hung out in the kitchen while the boy refused to let my son play with his toys.  I hate to be rigid, but I’m not going to make another playdate with him.  It’s not the kid’s fault, it’s the caregiver’s.  A week later, my son and baby had a playdate with another set of kids about the same ages.  Again the boy acted out a bit, but, and here’s the big but, the nanny was on it.  She didn’t let him get away with bad behavior.  And I don’t mind that situation.  The child is learning manners and my son can observe that happening.

I had never really thought about all of this until the last couple months.  Have you encountered unsupervised babies or kids?  How do you handle it?  When do you get involved?  How do you decide who your child should play with?

Related posts:

1. Six New Year’s Resolutions for Becoming a Better Person
2. Do You Have a Favorite Child?
3. When Should a Child Separate?

“No, that makes me sound old,” said a friend’s mother.

“What then?”

“How about Nana?”

“Maybe.  Honestly Mom, I thought you were going to take Grandma since you mentioned that a while ago.  I have to check with my husband to see if his mother wants Nana too.”

“And if she does, you can tell her that I already took it.”

Yikes!  That’s not a great way to start grandparenthood.

In today’s world, grandparents can expect to spend decades getting to know and care for their grandchildren.  With life expectancy increasing, and the over-50 generation having more energy than ever, grandparents may be the ones picking up their grandchildren from nursery school and taking them to the park when mommy and daddy are working or busy.  Note that I write “over-50 generation” because according to the US Census the average age of first grandparenthood is 47!

Nowadays, grandparents are not only around for birthdays and holidays, they can be an active and wonderful part of children’s daily life.  With the possibility of increased interaction comes new concerns in naming grandparents.  A young name?  A unique name?  A name granted by the child him or herself?  The name one’s own parents had as grandparents? A name taken from family tradition? A name mixing English and a foreign language?  A trendy name?

Nana, Nanny, Grandma, Grammy, Mom-mom, Grandpa, Papa, Pop-Pop, and Grandpa are some of the common names for Grandparents.  Less common ones I’ve heard include Mimi, Didi, Maka, Bodi, Meepaw, and of course Grandma  _______ (Susan, Sylvia, Mary, or enter first name), which is always a nice compromise when both Grandmas want “Grandma.”

Here’s a long list of traditional, trendy, playful and international grandparent names taken from The New Grandparents Name Book.

Be sure to talk about grandparent names with your parents, in-laws and spouse, during the pregnancy.  But, leave room for the grandparents to change their mind after the baby is born.  When it becomes “real,” feelings can change.

All in all, include the future grandparents in the conversation early on and let them know that you are excited for them to become a part of your child’s life, whatever their name.

Related posts:

1. How to Relate to Grandparents
2. The 2 Stages of Parenthood (second time around)
3. Potty Training 101

Based on their analysis of controlled studies, they found that kids who are young for their year make more progress than kids who are old for their year.  In high school, redshirted children even perform less well than their peers. Basically, being in school sooner makes kids smarter in the long-run.

They explain:

These differences [between redshirted kids and others] may come from the increased challenges of a demanding environment. Learning is maximized not by getting all the answers right, but by making errors and correcting them quickly. In this respect, children benefit from being close to the limits of their ability. Too low an error rate becomes boring, while too high an error rate is unrewarding.

In a Motherlode guest post, Rebecca Hughes Parker shares her personal story: “I was very hesitant to put my twins, born in November 2004, 10 weeks premature, into kindergarten when they were still 4.”  But she did it, and hasn’t looked back.  They are doing great and handling being the youngest just fine.

All this debate left me wondering  about my baby Emma who was born in January of this year?  It’s way too early to know how she will develop, but what if she is advanced and capable of kindergarten, despite being born a few weeks after the Dec. 31 cut-off in my district? Is there any way for her to skip a grade?  The NYT article says that kids who skip grades fare even better pursuing advance degrees more often than their non-skipper peers, and even reporting more positive social and emotional feelings.

Unfortunately, “greenshirting,” as I call it, meaning pushing a child ahead a year, is frowned upon in my area.  Districts are strict in making no exceptions.  Is that really the best thing?  Is greenshirting actually about a helicopter parent pushing their kid too far, or can it truly be the right thing for a gifted child?  (I’m not saying 8-month old Emma is gifted.  I have no idea yet what her abilities are other than knowing how to clap her hands).  My husband thinks I’m being silly.  Emma will be fine as the oldest and if she needs more exciting academics we can find extracurricular programs and teach her at home.  (”Fine,” I say.  ”This is a hypothetical argument.”)

Whatever the answer on greenshirting or redshirting, my Indian neighbor (who has a seven and 13 year old) has an answer: “In the United States, elementary school is boring, no matter what grade you’re in.  That’s just the way it is.”

Do you agree or disagree?  Where you bored in elementary school?  What do you think of redshirting and greenshirting?

Related posts:

1. My Breastfeeding Update
2. Father Knows Best
3. Is Relationship Reinvention Necessary?

I was surprised by a recent article on Huffington Post called “Are You Ready for Pregnancy?”  It presented 5 questions to ask yourself:

1) How much money do you have saved?

2) Do you have enough space?

3) Do you have the time?

4) Still want to travel?

5) Is your marriage strong?

The questions are fine, but if I was to answer them before I had my first child, it would have gone like this:

1) How much money do you have saved?  ENOUGH.

2) Do you have enough space? NO.

3) Do you have the time? NO.

4) Still want to travel? YES.

5) Is your marriage strong? YES.

I suppose that with only 2/5 answers correct, I should not have had a child.

What is missing from these questions is that they all ask about what one’s current life is like, not what one is willing to do once you actually get pregnant.  I don’t think anyone has a child because they have loads of time to waste, or empty rooms begging for occupants.

We get pregnant (and even it if is unplanned, we eventually embrace that pregnancy) because we are willing to sacrifice for our child.  We will do with less space or we will move.  We cut out vacations and consider a day at the park a serious “trip.”

I believe that the most important question to ask oneself AND ONE’S PARTNER before getting pregnant, is: what are we willing to sacrifice?  If both potential parents are on the same page in recognizing the costs and rewards of having a child, then go for it!  Being a parent is an unpredictable, difficult, amazing life journey.  Making the decision to go for it is not a science, it’s an art.

Agree or disagree?

Related posts:

1. Questions for Tim Gunn: Why He’s Not a Fashion Dictator
2. Pregnant with a Toddler
3. What can a pregnant woman NOT do?

Yes, it is chaotic.  It is hectic, but it is perfect.  I want to say this right now especially after my last blog post An Experiment in Being a SAHM, got mixed feedback.  I don’t want anyone to think for one second that I am not grateful for my family.  I love spending time with my kids and husband and I recognize that every family has to make difficult choices on how to balance work/family and financial demands.

My way (of part-time work) is not the only way or the best way.  It is what works for us and I am truly grateful that I have the opportunity to have a flexible career as a writer/mediator.  I know that my experiment in being a SAHM wasn’t the whole picture of what being a SAHP is like.  That role is a learned skill and I would get better at it, and have more time to enjoy my kids each day, if I was home with them day in and day out.

A friend of mine sent me an email in response to my experiment, to say that she and her husband work full-time and send their kids to daycare/school every day.  That, she says, is the hardest, most difficult way to balance kids/life and finances.  Maybe it is.  I can imagine that by the time they get to work in the morning, they are exhausted.  Another friend of mine who has that same routine says that each day when she arrives at her desk, she is absolutely amazed and proud of herself for getting to work!

And my point is…  How each family finds their balance is unique.  For some, that balance is hard work, for others it is easier.  But parenting is not a competition.  We don’t need to put each other’s choices down in order to affirm that our situation is tough.

And the end of each day, we are all trying our best to raise thoughtful, values-driven children.  A Sunday of family fun is a day to appreciate, no matter what Monday brings.

Related posts:

1. 5 Tips to Avoid Holiday Family Feuds
2. Cell Phone Parental Neglect
3. Are Chinese Mothers Superior?

Recently, my husband, two kids and I took a vacation (within driving distance) for 5 nights by the beach.  It was fantastic.  Just the four of us spending family time together from daybreak to sunset.  It was one of the best vacations of my life.  Our children had a great time and so did the grown-ups.  What more can we ask for?

Then we came home late Tuesday night.  Our babysitter was on vacation for the rest of the week and my husband returned to work.  I pushed my work to the side to be a full-time stay-at-home mom for a few days.

Alone with a baby and a three year old who doesn’t nap, with no school, no camp and no planned activities, it was very stressful. Getting my older one to eat while I entertained a baby was near-impossible.  The first day he ate lunch at 3pm because he refused to eat until we got to the library (which we couldn’t do until later in the day because we had an unexpected emergency doctor appointment around lunchtime.  All was fine, but I had to be sure).  I didn’t have the strength to fight Blake over a peanut butter sandwich, so he had a banana and milk at noon and a sandwich at 3, at the library.  Better late than never, right?

The next day we had a playdate that worked out well until my son wanted me to jump around the indoor playground with him and of course I couldn’t with a baby in my arms (and I found this out because I tried).  So we left.  But still, we killed a couple hours there.  I created “movie time,” which was a nice help.  During my baby’s afternoon nap I put the TV on in my bedroom and Blake watched while mommy laid down next to him.  I know, TV is not the best, but mommy needed a rest.

Despite the frustration of getting through somewhat fun activities and painful mealtimes on scattered night sleep given that both my kids have occasional night wakings, the most difficult part by far was maintaining the household with kids in the mix.  Back from our wonderful vacation, I had three loads of laundry to wash and fold, unpacking to do, and worst of all our fridge was empty so I had no choice but to take both kids with me to the supermarket.  (As someone suggested I could have done this at night after my husband came home from work.  Um, no I couldn’t because we had parents’ night at school that first evening back).

My baby is at the point that she can sit in the front of the shopping cart with a little support.  So I took both kids to Buy, Buy, Baby to get a shopping cart cover.  Then we hit the one supermarket in the area that has toy cars attached to the shopping cart.  Twenty minutes in and my kids were a delight.  Emma cooed and smiled at everyone.  People remarked about what a happy baby she is while Blake gleefully pointed out foods he wanted as he turned his toy steering wheel.

Supermarket peace.  Shortlived.

At minute twenty-six it was all over.  Emma wanted out and Blake wanted all the cookies.  All of us unhappy, I ran for the essentials.  Get the milk, eggs and bread and get out of here!  Done.  But not quite.  Now it was time to wait in line.  Both were crying and I held Emma for a bit until it was clear I could not get the food on the conveyor belt while holding her.  The people behind me in line were annoyed.  I wanted to yell at them, what else am I supposed to do?  Not feed my children?

I gave up.  Fine, they will cry.  People will look and I will buy my darn food.  With Emma back in the cart my hands were free but my foot was not.  Blake decided that he wanted to leave right now so he started pushing the cart, with Emma in it, to the door.  I held my ground with my foot in the way.  After he nearly broke my toes I yelled (in as soft a voice as possible).  To no avail.  So I laughed instead.

We left and I decided that if I ever stop working and become a full-time SAHM, two things would happen: 1) I would run my house like a military base, and 2) I will never stop working.

For all of my SAHM and SAHD readers out there, I give you tremendous credit.  It’s the toughest job in the world and you do it every day with no vacation.  You deserve applause, hugs and lots of love from the lucky other parent who goes to work every day and knows that you are home caring for the kids.

If you know a SAHM or Dad, forward them this blog post and consider it a round of applause for all they do.  You deserve it!

Related posts:

1. Can stay-at-home moms and their working husbands really get along?
2. My Parenting Experiment with The Dog Whisperer
3. The New Normal: Mom’s at Work, Dad’s at Home

But, why was she fearing the worst?  Was it because all expectant moms and dads worry about what could go wrong during pregnancy, what mistakes could be made during labor, or what random luck or above-the-clouds spirit could positively or negatively affect the DNA of their child?

None of the above.  She feared because her doctors told her to fear.  Nothing was specifically wrong with her baby-to-be, but at nearly every appointment her OB-GYN would tell her something else that “could” become a problem.  She watched her diet, rested as much as possible and had ultrasounds every 2-3 weeks.  By the end of pregnancy she had more than a half dozen different issues that “could” or “might” be a problem.

The thing is, other than making the initial changes to her diet and having regular ultrasounds, there was nothing she could do about the problems.  There were no options, no solutions.  Nothing but waiting and living and breathing.  So she did.  And her fears grew.  And she wished her doctor had never told her the possible problems.  Believe it or not, this new mother is a doctor herself.  She knows that doctors have a never-ending list of potential problems they could mention to a patient. Yet they don’t share every last one of them.

If stress during pregnancy is harmful to the fetus, then shouldn’t OB-GYNs be careful about what they tell their patients?  At what point does a risk become necessary to discuss?  Tough questions, but in my friend’s case, she definitely wishes she was a little more ignorant.

Related posts:

1. Pregnancy Trends
2. Adventures in Pregnancy
3. Four Ways to Use, But Not Abuse, Your Pregnancy Fame

What if one of you is a playaholic?  What if the dad-to-be still wants his guys’ weekends?  What if baseball games trump family dinners and tee times set the weekend schedule?  What if one of you wants much more “alone” or “friend” time than the other?  Answer: the couple fights, big time, and it goes like this: “I’m pregnant.  You need to be here if something happens, not 500 miles away on a vacation that I’m not invited to.”  Or, “Going out with co-workers for drinks does NOT count as working.”

My own colleague in the world of writing and authorship, Judy Dutton, wrote about her experience of being pregnant with a binge-drinking husband.  Here’s an excerpt from: “I’m Pregnant.  He’s Partying.”

One night while six months pregnant, I woke to the sound of something crashing down the stairs. That something, I discovered, was my husband Jason, who lay sprawled on the floor like a limp marionette. At first, I was worried. Had he broken his neck? Was the father of my unborn child alive? But my next thought might strike some people as mean, although I can explain. It was: Good—serves him right.

Jason had been out drinking that night. His alcohol intake had ballooned, in fact, at about the same rate as my belly. The reason for this was simple: With a baby about to eclipse life as we knew it, his days of freewheeling debauchery were numbered. In order to settle contentedly into his new role as a responsible parent, the solution was to party as much as possible now—“to get it out of my system,” as he put it.

Read the rest here.

At the root of the playaholic problem is the fear that the mate who plays less is going to bear the brunt of child care and planning family life.  My advice in confronting the playaholic is simple: Discuss the meaning of “family first,” and be specific.  What does it mean on a daily basis?  What does is mean on the weekends?  Is a spectator sport event something to be done once a month or once a week?  Is golf a Saturday AND Sunday event or is it acceptable only once a week?  How many separate vacations is acceptable in a given year?  Who will feed and/or bath the child(ren) each night?  How many nights a week can each parent be home for bedtime? These are tough questions, but leaving them unanswered opens the door to assumptions and unchecked expectations.   It isn’t sexy, but stable families need policies, and exceptions should require joint approval.

Related posts:

1. Do You Dislike Your Spouse?
2. Pregnant and have a workaholic spouse?
3. Should you keep secrets from your spouse?

In the name of “I only say this because I care about you,” our frenemies offer up some of the most hurtful pregnancy advice around.  Nearly two years ago I wrote about the top 5 rude comments pregnant woman hear, and that post has received 50 Facebook shares and over 40 comments.  It’s quite a hot topic.  Pregnant women everywhere are searching the internet to find out if they are the only ones who receive backhanded compliments during pregnancy.

The final tally is in.  You are not the only one.  In fact, other people probably hear things that are a lot worse than you can imagine.  Check out the stunning harshness in this comment from Amop:

So here is what I am dealing with……. My aunt is relentlessly doling out her advice …. and it is so hurtful & I don’t want to be rude back, but I don’t want to deal with this for months either. Here is her latest email….

“Sorry you are not over the hump on that morning sickness yet.  Usually women who are happy to be expecting don’t have so much “morning” sickness.   All I can suggest is try to get in together with a little  mind-over-manner exercise.  You want to be able to enjoy these next few months and have fun planning for the future.  You don’t want to be miserable and make everyone around you miserable when you should be on top of the world.  I remember, after waiting 10 years, not being sick, even for a single day.  My ob-gyn, who specialized in older mommies told me none of his patients got morning sickness because they wanted that baby.  So my advice to you is to stop subconsciously trying to bring the little biscuit up.   (Is that why they call it “a bun in the oven?)   So take care my dear.  I just remember having enormous energy, I felt like I could tear out trees, and then–poof, I was totally exhausted and needed a nap.  It was my first experience at adult napping.   Hang in there, kid.”

Here was my response:

OMG! That sounds awful. I’m so sorry you have to deal with such mean-spirited advice. First of all, please know that up to 90% of women experience morning sickness to some degree. I did, with both of my children. And you can be sure I was thrilled to be pregnant and to have them! There is no scientific correlation between morning sickness and wanting a pregnancy.

Your Aunt is doing one thing, talking about herself. She didn’t experience morning sickness, so she is generalizing her situation on all others. There is no need to fight with her on this. She has a warped perspective and she doesn’t want to hear the facts.

The best thing you can do is to keep a distance from her and send short replies to her emails (if you choose to reply at all).

The power line to use is, “Thank you for your opinion.” Just continue to say that without any additional feedback and she will get the message.

Keep your chin up! Congrats on your pregnancy!

Can you even imagine someone sending you an email like this?  What’s your advice for the woman receiving this email?

Related posts:

1. Top 5 Rude Comments Pregnant Women Field
2. Top 5 Best Comments from My Two-Year Old
3. Should You Get Pregnant? 5 Questions to Ask