We often think of anchors as things that weigh us down in a bad way. Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed, that awful feeling of slipping away without a tether just adds to the anxiety. That’s when I think of my good anchors, those people, places and things that provide a healthy attachment to who I am and to my life. When I remember my anchors I can breathe calm again.

The book I mention in the video, It’s Kind of a Funny Story is by Ned Vizzini, who spent time in a psychiatric hospital. The publisher describes the book: “At his new school, Craig sees his once-perfect future crumbling away. The stress becomes unbearable and Craig stops eating and sleeping—until, one night, he nearly kills himself. Craig’s suicidal episode gets him checked into [the psychiatric unit of Brooklyn] hospital where Craig is finally able to confront the sources of his anxiety. For a novel about depression, it’s definitely a funny story.”

Enjoy Your Valentine’s Day By Lowering Expectations

Five Ways to Leave Your Lover

How Do You Know If You Are Really In Love?

Finding Grounds for Marriage

My Vintage Romance

~Photo courtesy wallyg via Flickr

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Out of curiosity I posted a question on my Facebook and Twitter feed: “Valentine’s Day. Love it? Or Dread it?”

Of all the responses I received one, only ONE, enthusiastic reader said she “LOVEEES Valentine’s Day!” She didn’t say why, but I got the feeling she is one of those people who is infectiously happy most of the time. She made me smile even as I responded, “So far you’re the only one in my little survey who loves Valentine’s Day. I hope yours is as wonderful is you wish. ”

Most people, on the other hand, those who appeared to be in happy, settled relationships, could take it or leave it. A few said their anniversary was much more important to them. Flowers were nice in V-day but not a deal breaker. This response is a good example:

“I have now been married almost twenty-seven years and I can honestly say that not ONE day defines the love that I have experienced from this wonderful man in my life…”

How sweet is that? OK, please do not gag. In the interest of full disclosure I happen to fall into this category. I know how fortunate I am, like this young woman who said,

“I’m indifferent to it. To me, it’s another day. The day I truly want to express my love to my husband is on our anniversary. That being said, I do like to acknowledge the day somehow, like with a card. And I’d never turn away flowers or any other type of surprise. ”

On the other hand, a lot of people wrote:

“Dread, hugely dread” it, “Dread it immensely!” or “Hate it!!!”

They didn’t say why but I can risk a guess that it has to do with the intense spotlight on coupledom on this one day especially if you are a singleton.

“I think it had bigger meaning when I was single!!! Really…. no big deal now. Buy the kids some chocolates and the hubby those nasty necco hearts that he likes the taste of and call it a day! But when I was single, man, Valentines day sucked.”

Yes, it’s sucky to have singleness held up as if it is an aberration when really, being single is often a GOOD CHOICE! If you are leaving a bad relationship, haven’t found the right person who appreciates you, or maybe you just like your independence and freedom to sleep in as long as you like, why shouldn’t you celebrate that!?

One Twitter follower wrote, “Does anyone love Valentine’s Day? Whether in a couple or single, it seems to cause trouble.”

An excellent observation! As if there weren’t enough pressure, the jewelers, card purveyors, chocolatiers and florists of the world conspire to inflate great expectations for the “Perfect Valentine’s Day.” Pity the boys. They seem to be most pressured to perform according to the commercial script, and you know what happens to men when they are pressured to perform. Limpsville!

A little advice: Take your partner off the hook. If you want a special V-day, take responsibility to make it happen in as low key way as possible.

And what does a single person do on the dreaded Valentine’s Day?

“I make sure I give myself some love and chocolates ”

Works for me! Whether married or single, in a relationship or breaking up, a good dose of Self Love is always prescribed!

So you choose! In sweet solitude or with a friend, consider ordering dinner in, followed by a snuggle under a cozy blanket with either a bowl of popcorn, your favorite dark, dark chocolate, ice cream, a glass of wine (or vodka as suggested by an FB friend), or all of the above. Then order up your favorite movie or episode of Bones…

Could make for a sweet, sweet Valentine on February 14th or any night!

Photo courtesy Kelvin255 via Flickr

This sign is at the entrance to the stable where I keep my mare, Annie (myhorseismytherapist.com). It’s also a sign for me to slow my life down, take a break, give myself permission to ease the pace and know that it will all get done. The important stuff does get done. It just doesn’t all have to be done today. Whoa!

Mindful eating is not a diet, or about giving up anything at all. It’s about experiencing food more intensely — especially the pleasure of it. You can eat a cheeseburger mindfully, if you wish. You might enjoy it a lot more. Or you might decide, halfway through, that your body has had enough. Or that it really needs some salad.

Mindful Eating As Food For Thought

Here’s the link to the article or you can just scroll down!

For the longest time I would look at my doctoral diploma and wonder how the hell did that get there? Haha, I sure fooled them! Only it’s not funny. It feels awful.

My friend Rob Dee, writer, fly fisherman and depression survivor, wrote this comment on a post a while back, To Build Self-Esteem: Take a Compliment. He said:

I like reading your stuff because it always makes me think.

As an example, I write mostly for myself and if I can help people along the way, then yay me. I really don’t consider myself a writer at all, let alone a good one. Of course one thing I strive for is for people to enjoy reading my stuff, whether it be about fishing, suicide or working out. Writing for myself helps me get it out. Why does it make me uncomfortable when people tell me how much they love reading my stuff and how much they consider me a good writer? Why do I feel like a fraud? It used to be the same way when I played in a band that used to travel overseas too. Signing CD’s,and hanging out with and taking pictures with fans is what I strived to do, but when it happened, it made me feel odd. Why is that?

Feeling like a fraud can hit the best of us. Therapists are not immune, at least not this therapist. On and off throughout my life I have wrestled with that feeling Rob describes, the “If only they knew I’m not that person they think I am,” feeling. By the way, men feel the sting of imposter syndrome as much as women, trust me on this. We’re just more vocal about it.

You won’t find Impostor or Fraud Syndrome in the DSM-IV, that bible of psychiatric diagnoses. It is not a diagnosable mental illness. It is, however, a collection of feelings or symptoms that together may serve to hold you back from fulfilling our potential. Imposter Syndrome is when our self-esteem is fragile or low to begin with and then we achieve some success. Our old core beliefs that kept us questioning our self-worth in the first place, goes in to over-drive. The critical voices that kept us feeling low, “You will never amount to anything,” denies the achievement. Success doesn’t necessarily cure a low-self esteem. It just gets translated into, “You still don’t amount to anything. You just fooled everybody into thinking you did.” Imposter Syndrome.

Does this sound like you? Take this Impostor Syndrome Quiz:

• Do you secretly worry that others will find out that you’re not as bright and capable as they think you are?
• Do you sometimes shy away from challenges because of nagging self-doubt?
• Do you tend to chalk your accomplishments up to being a “fluke,” “no big deal” or the fact that people just “like” you?
• Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?
• Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your “ineptness?”
• When you do succeed, do you think, “Phew, I fooled ‘em this time but I may not be so lucky next time.”
• Do you believe that other people (students, colleagues, competitors) are smarter and more capable than you are?
• Do you live in fear of being found out, discovered, unmasked?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you are not alone. In fact, many very intelligent, successful, accomplished people feel exactly the same way.

Where did that overly critical voice come from? Often it’s one or both of our parents. For some of us, there is no denying that our possibly well-meaning parents did a number on us. Without realizing it, my Dad expected perfection from his kids. He built me up with praise with one hand and kept me in my place with the other. That left my self-esteem feeling confused and diminished.

What helped me more than anything was using cognitive behavioral therapy techniques that I learned in my therapy and my own training to build self-esteem on sound evidence and reasoned thinking. For instance, I would look at my diplomas and concientiously remember they weren’t handed to me. I worked damn hard to earn them. Now whenever I get that nasty, ‘Oh God, who do I think I am?’ feeling, I breathe through it, to calm down my fight/flight response. Then I ask myself if it is reasonable, given my experience and training, to assume a level of expertise. With a relieved sigh, I can say yes.

Your reason for feeling like an imposter may be different from mine, but the antidote is probably the same. Here are eight tips that might help you:

1. Be aware of when your body triggers anxiety when you have “I’m just a big imposter!” thoughts. Keep your nervous system as calm as possible. Breathe.

2. Identify the critical voice that is doubting your authenticity. It’s not You. So who is it? Separate yourself from that ‘other’ voice.

3. Write down the steps you took to earn the success you achieved. Did you spend all night in the library studying for the Bar exam? Did you practice that grande jeté until your legs went numb before the dance performance? Did you submit hundreds of applications before you got the acceptance letter? Remember it all. I read somewhere that a movie star finally gave up reminding people that he had been in the business knocking on doors for ten years before he became an “over-night sensation.” The important thing was that he remembered how hard he worked even if the media forgot.

4. Create a supportive mantra for yourself. “I worked hard for this. I deserve this,” is a good start. Say it to yourself even if you don’t believe it. Eventually you will.

5. Celebrate! Let your friends and family praise you. Stand still for it. Take some of it in. Let it touch your heart.

6. After you celebrate, you will probably remember that no matter what you achieved, chances are there is more to do. That can be humbling which is healthy, and important to distinguish from the unhealthy internal put-downs.

7. Give yourself permission to be proud. Being proud can be a very good thing, and nurturing to your self-esteem. Being proud of an accomplishment is not the same as being self-centered or an ego-maniac.

8. Give yourself a little time to grow into your success, especially if success came seemingly quickly. Sometimes our new promotion or status just needs to settle. However, if you think Impostor Syndrome is keeping you from getting out of life what you deserve, and what it deserves from you, you may want to find a supportive therapist who can help embrace your success with enthusiasm and say “Mine!”

It sounds simple, but, of course, it’s not. Being reasonable with yourself and breaking through the habit of putting yourself down takes exercise and work.

Trust me, you genuinely are smart, capable, competent… A Rock Star! If you listen closely you will hear your heart telling you the same.

Photo courtesy of WhitneyGH via Flickr

Editor’s note: A post from Dr Kathy Calabrese.

I just read this article, Don’t Call Introverted Children ‘Shy’, and could not wait to share it! As a “closet introvert” I found it empowering and supportive, and I think that parents of shy children will be most appreciative of what the author has to say about these precious, often misunderstood children.

Photo courtesy progmetal via Flickr