Another thing I’ve found that helps (in a marketing communications setting, especially) is knowing how the audience likes to be communicated with. Whether it’s visually, narratively, loudly, softly, what-have-you — when we know what and where our target is, it’s easier to hit.

Good communications in times of instability or change is very important to lead people in one direction and in an atmosphere of trust. Nice post!

Laurie: Thanks for stopping by, Jocelyn.

Hi Debra

Nice post, great information. I agree there is no perfect way to communicate news that will cause uncertainty, you are right about sharing it as soon as possible. other wise people lose trust in you.
Thanks for sharing
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

Laurie: Thanks for visiting, Giovanna.

I still have to watch myself with how much personal space I sometimes (unconsciously) require, but as a result of my own needs, I find I’m more aware of others’. I tend to overcompensate and give people I’m near (in whatever capacity) as much space as I can.

Interesting post…
I’m curious, what prompted you to write about it?!

Laurie: Thanks for visiting and commenting, Megan. To answer your question, I was thinking about the amount of personal space I need and how I react when I don’t get enough and then it dawned on me that I’ve always been so concerned about my own space that I didn’t think so much about what others need. (Isn’t that awful?!) This also led me to think about what others may consider their space that I don’t - like the office example and “my” desk. While I wouldn’t care if someone went through my desk at work, I’ve noticed that others consider it a kind of violation and if that’s how they feel, I should respect that and not take the sticky pad off their desk. oops. (even if the pad was put back…) So that’s where the personal space thoughts originated.

I love this post. I’m a huge believer of a lot of personal space and I’m always surprised when others don’t feel (or act) the same way. You do a great job of addressing the concept of personal space in this post.

Laurie: Thanks for visiting, commenting and the compliment, PP. I appreciate it.

Laurie, really sound advice. This is something that is too often ignored in our inconsiderate society anymore.

“Another invisible personal space, or perhaps this is an invasion of personal space, is the sound that enters into it. Invading another’s personal space with your personal noise is a sure way to cause friction. Talking loudly on the cell phone, ear-splitting, cackling laughter in the otherwise quiet restaurant, or a neighbor blaring stereo are all types of aural assaults on personal space. Hearing unwanted noise makes what could have been a good time into one that is stressful, frustrating, and not at all enjoyable.”

Laurie: Hi Stephen - Thanks for visiting. I appreciate it.

You forgot clicking and chewing gum.

Laurie: Great additions to the list. Thanks Suzie.

Great tips Laurie, or rather, “non-tips”! I particularly dislike the “look away” when I’m talking. I need to work more on not running with the topic. Great reminder. Thanks.

Laurie: Hi Sami - I don’t like the “look away” either. When someone does that for too long I just stop talking and sometimes they don’t even notice! But I think that’s more because I was talking about something really boring and should have known better… Thanks for coming by.

Hi,
This is a fabulously interesting post. Interesting, because too much in my life is plagued by indecision. I find that in my life I have a need for more direction, not less. I end up in a Merry-Go-Round of “Where do you want to go eat?” “I don’t care, what do you want?” “It doesn’t matter to me, you pick.” “No, you pick.” ARGH! It’s so frustrating! I find that more assertiveness is a good thing.

This post also makes me think of Geert Hofstede’s Power Distance Index. Clearly, you are appealing to societies with low power distance, ie cultures in which power is distributed evenly.

Laurie: lol - I’ve done the back-and-forth indecision too many times too! I was just reading up on the Power Distance Index because of your comment. I wasn’t familiar with it so thanks for mentioning it - very interesting!

This is great. I’m not the best listener in the world and I need to work on it. These anti-tips have really helped me to identify some of the things that I need to stop doing. Thanks!

Laurie: I still catch myself clicking a pen from time to time, but at least I’m becoming aware of it. Thanks for the comment.

What a fun way to approach a topic - come in from completely the other side. A branding consultant I worked with once did the same thing regarding customer service. It was a silly exercise and one that got a lot of laughs, but it highlighted some important issues and helped our company then craft the more serious & positive list with ease.

Laurie: Hi Megan - glad you liked the approach. Sometimes I have to look at what bugs me before I can figure out what doesn’t…as long as I don’t get hung up for too long complaining about it, that is! Thanks for visiting again.

This is great! I frequently find myself annoyed by some but not by others, and it could be over essentially the same topic. Like you wrote (and very well, I might add) it’s all in how we perceive the message being directed at us: empowering or limiting.

Thanks for the tips!

Laurie: Funny how we’re affected by different people over the same thing. I wish I could take credit for writing this post, but it was written by Anne Warfield and, yes, she did write it well! Thanks for coming by, Megan.

Hello, interestingly when I read the first two emails I didn’t see anything wrong with either of them. It’s probably because I’m guilty of too much dictating. Thanks for reminding me about this.

Laurie: I can totally understand dictating - especially around someone who can’t make up her mind! Sometimes, it really does seem easier, but I guess that depends on who you’re asking.

So many times we think of a great solution, but we don’t try to implement it. We can’t be afraid to “do it” because more often than not we will surprise ourselves.

Laurie: True. We’re more capable of more things than we give ourselves credit. Thanks for stopping by, Karl.

These are great suggestions. Personally, I hate complaining (even though I definitely do it). It never gets me anywhere and it just makes the situation seem worse. These days, when I catch myself complaining, I really try to think about how I can see the situation in a positive light OR what I can do to make the situation better. Usually, it works!

Laurie: It’s interesting how many possibilities (and opportunities) are “out there” when we stop complaining and start fixing. Thanks for visiting, Dani.

Sometimes people feel the need to vent or rant, just to get things off their chest. For most everyone in my life, I am apparently the person to go to in order to do just that. On one hand, it’s nice to know that I’m somehow good at this role of listener, ie. person to complain, vent, rant to. On the other hand, it gets tiring.

Laurie: Agreed…on everything you wrote. I often end up being the “rantee” or receiver of the rant too. It’s not so bad if I know that when they vent and get it overwith they feel better. It’s when they go on for months on end (this is usually a work-related rant) that it gets to be tiring. Thanks for visiting and commenting, Vi; I appreciate it.

I had a friend who used to call me and complain about stuff over and over again (the same stuff, usually). I reached a point where I’d let her get it out into the open and then I’d say, “So what are you going to do about it?” That became my approach for many years with friends who were chronic complainers. One day, that first friend called me up and said, “You know, when you asked me that question I realized I could actually do something about it, so I did!”

This was a great post — It gets me thinking about what life would be like if no one ever complained!

Laurie: Wow - what a great result to have your friend come back to you and tell you that you empowered her. Just that one simple question moved her from reactive complaining to positive action. Brilliant!

Such a great post. I first learnt about the importance of saying no from the book by Cheryl Richardson “Take Time for Your Life”. Ever since reading it, if there’s something I don’t want to attend or I already have too much on my plate, instead of feeling obligated and going along just to please, I now say “thanks for the invite but I can’t make it this time”. It works really well.

I’m also careful to not make others feel bad for not accepting an invite from me. In fact, I support their decision because I know how important it is to not overload yourself.

Laurie: I’ve got to get that book! Thanks for mentioning it, Sami. Good for you for your consideration when others say no; I’m sure they appreciate your understanding - that’s what friends do.

Having been raised in a very “yes” environment, I have a huge problem with the word “no.” Lately I’ve been realizing that “no” is okay. We’re not going to have everything we want all the time and sometimes it’s that “no” that makes us work harder and better to get what we want.

Laurie: “Sometimes it’s that “no” that makes us work harder and better to get what we want.” Good observation - and one that makes us improve and not take a defeatist position. Thanks for coming by again, Dani.

I agree that we should all accept no gracefully, but I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with using excuses as social lubricants. No one wants to be rejected. No one wants their feelings hurt. The excuse does not need to be elaborate. It can even be completely true! Like, “I would love to go the movies with you, but I’ve just been so busy lately that I’d rather spend some time alone.” But sometimes, there is a pesky person that you genuinely do not like, and sometimes, it’s better to give a series of excuses and hopefully that person will get the hint. Otherwise, you have to actually “break up” with said person, and if you’ve ever witnessed such a thing in real life, it’s not pretty. It’s fine to break up with a boyfriend, it’s weird when you try to do that with an acquaintance. It causes lots of unnecesary hostile feelings.

Laurie: I agree with you that there are times when excuses make it easier to hear no (I like your descriptor - “social lubricants”). For me, when it becomes a constant concern (and sometimes stress) for the giver to say one or else they feel obliged to go or do something they don’t want to, that’s when it’s an issue that needs to be dealt with (by just not making excuses anymore). Also, for me, “I would love to go the movies with you, but I’ve just been so busy lately that I’d rather spend some time alone,” is a reason, not an excuse. What I find unfortunate here is that the reason is one that someone can take offense to (perhaps because of their own insecurity or other personal issue) so the giver makes up an excuse to cover for what they may consider a weak reason, even if it is valid and should be respected. I get what you mean about the pesky person…that can have ugly outcome written all over it.

Thanks for visiting, Vi, and for your thoughtful input.

About four or five years ago, I made a conscious effort to stop adding excuses to the things I was saying no to. I realized I was becoming an excuse rolodex (and not always being truthful in an effort to protect someone’s feelings). Life got much easier after that, and if someone wanted an excuse, I could share the honest one. Since I’m so good at saying no, I also taught myself to become better at hearing no. Sometimes I still have to remind myself, though, that it’s not about me (”Don’t Take It Personally”).

Laurie: “Excuse rolodex” - good description! It took me a while to stop making excuses; in the end, it was the stress of having to give excuses that made me stop. Thanks for sharing your experience, Megan, and for stopping by.

Great article! Guilty! I do some of these things things by force of habit. I need to do better. I’ve bent or break every rule I’ve ever encountered.

Laurie: Yeah, I’m guilty too! Isn’t there a saying that rules were made to be broken? Some work rules should be broken more often… Thanks for stopping by, Stephen.

Really good topic and something to consider. I don’t think I do any of these things, but I better pay close attention next time I’m in the office…

Laurie: I don’t think I do these either, although there certainly are times when I have the urge to tell someone, “I told you so.”

What a great post. I was just thinking along these lines yesterday as I passed by a “helping hand” in the grocery store and didn’t look at him & smile, as I do with so many others. He said hi to me after I passed, which of course just amplified my feelings of, “What is wrong with me that I didn’t give him the same courtesy I give other people?” I stopped, turned around and returned his kind gesture. But it got me thinking about my ego, its tendencies to want to include these people but not those, and the like. Your post reminded me of things I need to be more aware of moving forward. Thank you!

Laurie: Interesting comment, Megan; thanks for sharing your experience. It’s interesting how we have a kind of unconscious selection of who we include and who we don’t. I’ve got to remind myself to be more aware too so I don’t unintentionally offend someone (and then feel guilty and beat myself up over it!). Thanks for visiting, Megan.

Hi Laurie –
Brilliant suggestions. I tend to be shy & hope for others to include me. But interestingly enough, I don’t often make the effort to do that for others. Your suggestions are quite empowering.

Laurie: Thanks for the kind words. And thanks too for stopping by; I appreciate it.

Those are great suggestions! One of the things I hate the most is not feeling included so I really should make an effort to include others. I know how much it means to me when I’m feeling like not part of a group and someone reaches out to me. It’s one of the nicest things a person can do!

Laurie: I agree. It feels good to be invited and included. Being excluded, even if it’s not intentional, is really uncomfortable and sometimes stressful (when you’re trying to look like you belong but you feel like a complete outsider).

you know, I often have a need to be actively included…yet this gives me pause to see areas where I can actively include others as well. great, great post. very thoughtful.

Laurie: Me too. I often need someone to ask me something directly or else I think I’m boring them. Thanks for stopping by, Brandi.

That was too freakin funny! Thanks Laurie. Totally made me lol!

Laurie: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this and every time I have a goofy smile on my face.

What a great post! Tone is voice is the ONLY thing dogs understand when you praise or reprimand them. They don’t understand words, except for maybe sit and stay. But tone conveys everything.

Laurie: Great point. Sometimes, with people, it just doesn’t matter what you say when your tone communicates for you. Who needs words when your tone will say it all? Dogs have us figured out without speaking our language.

Thanks for coming by, Vi.

Like Roger, I’d never seen this video. Thanks for sharing it. It was nice to have a fun Monday morning laugh.

Laurie: Glad it made you laugh too!

I had a friend point out to me that before I talked about a certain person in my life, I’d let out a big sigh. I had no idea I was doing it, but it was indicative of how I felt about them!

Laurie: Interesting! It’s surprising the things we do and don’t notice while others are picking up on them. Thanks for visiting, Megan.

I had not seen this video. Thanks for the great laugh on a Monday morning!

Laurie: Hi Roger - Glad you liked it too! ~ L

I tend to react more to non-verbal communication than to what is being said. The non-verbal part usually comes from the subconscious mind. It conveys the communicator’s hidden emotions and thoughts. However, it is always a good idea to clarify on the intent of the communicator. Sometimes, he or she is not fully conscious that the words and the emotions are not congruent.

Laurie: That’s true. I remember a meeting I went to a couple months ago and, apparently, some people around the table thought I looked upset/angry/annoyed when all the while I was concentrating and trying to understand the speaker. I had no idea how I appeared to others because I was focusing on the discussion. I’m glad someone mentioned my expression to me so I can pay more attention to it. Thanks for visiting, Evelyn.

Body language is SO important. Wonderful post!

Laurie: Glad you agree!

This post confirms what a lot of us know but don’t know: there is so much more “listening” that happens in our interaction with others than just hearing the words being said. Last week you talked about tone of voice. Today, we are “listening” to what the body in front of us is saying. Really, it’s all about being attentive, isn’t it?

Laurie: I think you’re absolutely right - it is all about being attentive. It makes me wonder why, as a society, we’re generally not as attentive as we could be.

Thanks for coming by and making that point.

Laurie,

Great advice!

I was most surprised by…

“If you encounter a friend who is in a good mood, smiling and walking confidently, mirror that body language and join in the happy feeling, especially if you’re feeling the exact opposite. Instead of pulling him down, let him bring you up.”

This is a great idea!

Laurie: Thanks for visiting, Roger!

This is a good point. I have experienced this before and the tone of yelling certainly adds to the current misunderstanding in one’s conversation.

Laurie: True. Not only can the tone hurt feelings and offend, but it can also escalate the negative situation by adding misunderstanding to it. Good observation. Thanks for sharing it, Jocelyn.

I echo Chania Girl’s comment about people projecting their own feelings and frustrations onto us. I know that when I’m frustrated and angry, that’s what I hear in other people’s tones. When I’m calm, I’m able to focus on their calmless (this is almost always the case). If I am upset or angry, I try not to talk. At all. I know the moment I do, I’ll be opening up an oxygen tank near my inner flame of frustration and nobody needs that!

Laurie: I love how you worded that - “opening up an oxygen tank near my inner flame of frustration”. And oh, how I can see myself there. Thanks for that great visual. I think that it’ll help me remember about calming down in a tense situation. Thanks for coming by, Megan.

Great article! I think the tone of one’s voice can be even more offensive than actually yelling! I find that I am often more off-put by someone’s delivery than the message itself. I try to monitor my own delivery and think of how it will be received as you suggested. It’s not easy but I am working on it! I find the women (and men) I most admire are those who can express themselves lovingly and with kindness no matter what the message. I hope that as I grow, I can evolve into naturally behaving that way. Thanks for the post!

Laurie: It amazing how some people have the wonderful ability to deliver negative news positively. I admire them too. And I’m working to be as close to like them as I can…but it’s taking a lot of work and a lot of time! I also agree with you that the tone of someone’s delivery can be more off-putting than the message itself. It’s as if the content of the message changes to match the tone of one’s voice instead of holding true to the message. Thanks for your comment, Jodi.

Counting to ten helps, when I remember to do it!

Laurie: I have a tough time remembering too. Especially in the heat of the moment - that’s tough! Thanks for coming by, Vered.

Oh, boy! Have I ever heard these words in my life! I was cursed with my father’s “gift” of often unintentionally sounding annoyed even when I am not, so it has been a decades-long battle for me to be very aware of how I sound and the words I choose. Not easy!

But … I have also discovered that there are moments where people can project onto us their own feelings and frustrations. I have had times in my life where despite the tone of my voice and its volume (calm and soft, respectively) I have been accused of yelling simply because this person did not agree with what I had to say. In those cases, I can only know that I am not at fault and attempt to diffuse the situation by addressing this person’s own fears and frustrations. Again, not easy.

Laurie: Good observation. Looking back, I’ve been in that kind of situation also and have been surprised to hear that the other person thinkd I’m yelling or upset when I’m not, I was just “talking.” But it’s not easy to be accused of yelling when the emotion that supports that tone isn’t even there. It makes me feel really misunderstood. Thanks, Chania Girl!

Laurie,

I think our voice can sound like yelling when we’re angry even if we’re speaking quietly. In other words, if we’re truly angry that aren’t any good ways to hide it. The best we can do is not speak until we calm down, but then silence can come across as anger as well.

Laurie: “Silence can come across as anger” - I’ve experienced that before, on both receiving and giving ends. Maybe the silence is part of the calming down period and we just need to give that to one another… Thanks for the thoughtful input, Roger.

Laurie — This is an excellent reminder…especially for me! I’ve been told I can yell even when I whisper:~( As I don’t like it when someone else does this to me, it’s something I’m continually working on.

I can usually tell when I’m yelling w/o yelling by looking at the person’s face and eyes. If I see a certain look, I know my tone is not right. Sometimes I can fix it right then, but most of time I end up apologizing later. I think this is one of my life lessons:~)

Laurie: Hey - that’s a good idea. Look at the other person’s face…why didn’t I think of that? Body language is full of cues and this is a good opportunity to look for them. Thanks for the tip!

Hi Laurie,

Ironically “yelling” conjures up a shouting match, but what you’ve said is very true. Although I don’t mean to “yell” (not shout), at times I do find myself talking in a tone that could equate to “yelling”. Your post reminds me to think before I speak so as not to make others feel “less than” or that they are being “yelled at”. Hmmmm. I’m off to ponder.

Laurie: I have a hard time remembering to think first before I speak. I’m getting better, but some situations are harder than others. Thanks for stopping by, Barbara. It’s good to “see” you here!

oh how this is something I’m learning….lol. I’m especially good at #5. And I don’t want to be.

great post-

Laurie: Yeah, I’m good for that one too. It can cause a lot of undue pain, that’s for sure. Thanks for visiting, Brandi.

Hi Laurie,
This is a good reminder for me - to be conscious of this when I’m having conversations that might lead to yelling based just upon my tone. I know I don’t like being the recipient to this. I guess, if I can be conscious of what I’m doing - then I’ll have a better chance as not doing this. And if I can “catch” myself before doing this - maybe some deep breathing might help - before I open my mouth and say something…

Thanks for this today - it really is a good reminder for me to how I “treat” others…

Laurie: Catching myself before using my tone is always a challenge for me, but it’s good advice. Maybe taking 5 seconds to get a grip is the way to go…now if only I can remember…

Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

So true — we can definitely be yelling without yelling. The best way to deal with situations in which your emotions are taking over is to take a break from the conversation and come back to it later. Yes, this sometimes means going to bed angry, but it’s much more important to get a fresh perspective than it is to resolve things immediately.

Laurie: I agree. A break is the best thing, I just wish there was something more instantaneous. But with emotions, I guess they have to run their course. Thanks for saying it’s OK - and sometimes good - to go to bed angry when there can be a better solution in the morning.

I never let what other people say bother me. I’m very secure in who I am, and it took me a long time to get here.

When I was raising my children, I learned to never raise my voice to them unless it was an emergency (like running into the street). That way, they would listen to me right away. People saying negative things are a lot like that. If you take to heart every thing that is said to you, it’s a waste of your time & emotions, and you won’t recognize an “emergency call” if you get one.

Laurie: Good point - it IS a waste of time and emotions. Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment.

You’re absolutely right when you describe assumptions as “mental filters” which help us cope with life. And the anaolgy of a filter is a very accurate one. Just like an air filter or oil filter, our assumptions need to be examined, cleaned and even completely changed from time to time in order to allow things to function smoothly.

Thanks for the reminder - perhaps it’s time I did some “spring cleaning” of my assumptions!

Laurie: Hey Patrick! Thanks for expanding on the analogy - and for making it so timely. Thanks too for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate it.

Making assumptions is bad, bad news. It NEVER leads to anything good (okay, maybe SOMETIMES… but rarely). This is something I do all the time and really need to work on so thanks for posting this.

Laurie: I make assumptions too - and more than I should. I need to ask questions first and assume never.

You know, I have a friend who gives hugs when she first sees people. And they’re not just any hugs — they’re HUGS. Long, tight, and meaningful. I make it a point to try and be fully present with people when I greet them. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but intentions go a long way.
Great post, and wonderful site!

Laurie: Wow - a real hug! Don’t see those often.

Intentions do go a long way; people pick up on the energy even if the action isn’t quite where you want it to be. Thanks for visiting my site and for your kind words. I appreciate them.

Hey Laurie,
Great video! Made me realise I do the 90sec rule for my partner but I don’t do it as well for other people. I also love the mirroring technique. Thanks.

Laurie: Ya, the mirroring technique is a pretty smart idea. Thanks for stopping by, Sami. I appreciate it.

I agree I always try to sound really chipper at work. it makes people feel good and gets a great response.

Laurie: Happiness is contagious and others catch it. (Same goes for miserable…)

Thanks for visiting, Suzie, and for leaving a comment. I really enjoy your blog; it’s one of my favourites.

Laurie and Alex, this video was FANTASTIC. I can’t say enough good about it. I’ve known for quite some time about the first impression rule in regards to meeting people for the first time, but I never thought about something like this. Thanks for sharing this. It deserves to be widely advertised. I’ll try to get something going on Twitter today.

Laurie: Glad you liked the video too, Stephen. I thought it made the point really well - it’s one thing to have written about how to do it and quite another to watch it. Thanks for the Twitter support - I hope others enjoy it also.

My habit is to make eye contacts, smile and ask them how they are doing. And if it is someone close to me a hug feels nice.
Thanks for the reminder and sharing this post.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

Laurie: That’s what I do too!

@Evelyn Lim: I think greeting them with a big smile, and sharing that energy with them would totally re-energize you!

Thanks for reminding me about the importance of greeting. I am about to go out for the day. However, I am feeling exhausted from a couple of late nights. Still, it would be great to go out with a smile when I greet my friends and loved ones.

Have a wonderful day

Laurie: It’s hard to greet someone well when you’re tired. But it might be the “pick-me-up” that you need and you’ll have another late night!

Thanks for visiting, Evelyn. You have a wonderful day too.

Thanks for this post. In my experience, when someone says something to me that feels critical or hurtful, that’s actually because they’ve helped me see a place where I don’t fully accept myself. For example, if someone says “you made a mistake,” and I feel an urge to respond angrily or apologetically, I’m probably feeling that way because on some level I believe that “I can never make a mistake, or I’m unworthy or useless.” So naturally I feel compelled to defend myself. But if I recognize that making a mistake, as 99.9% of people do from time to time, doesn’t render me worthless, I’m not going to feel so freaked out over criticism like that.

Laurie: Good point. I used to get upset when I felt I was being treated/judged unfairly or really misunderstood and no effort was made to understand me better.

Thanks for leaving such a good comment.

Laurie: Hi Positively Present! Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment.

You are welcome. I got really into this video when it hit my inbox and it got me thinking about all the places where this rule is applicable. Everywhere.

Laurie: Everywhere is right. A good greeting is never wasted.

Thanks for coming by, Alex.

Laurie,

People do project, don’t they? Hmmm… bet I do too.

But we are not Pavlov’s dogs. Between the stimulus (the comments and gestures we take personally) and the response (taking it personally; getting hurt, upset, angry, etc.) - is our ability to choose our response.

Laurie: “Choose our response” - that’s key in so many areas of our lives! Thanks for coming by, Ann Elise

Laurie, this was great! I’m probably too far in the other direction - I tend to be oblivious to feedback that, while maybe not done in the right way, may be nonetheless valuable information that says something about me. It’s a balancing act between being blind to your impact on others and letting the thoughts of others control you.

Laurie: I agree with you that there can be value in feedback and it’s a great way to learn about ourselves. But when it’s just judgmental opinions based on someone else’s biases, that’s when I have to remember their comment is about them. Of course, at that point it’s not really feedback either, only a criticism… It is, as you say, a balancing act and knowing when it’s good feedback or someone’s bad day.

Thanks for coming by Stephen!

Very well said! It’s hard to apply sometimes, but you’re right, offensive comments are usually always about the other person…. Now if I can just remember that “in the moment”. This is my first visit. Great blog!

Laurie: Trying to remember is the hardest part for me.

Thanks for visiting my blog, Joanna - I’m glad to “see” you here!

Laurie,

This makes sense to me!

I also try to feel some empathy for the random person that is rude, unkind, and so on. Maybe he just heard some really bad news. Or maybe he is really worried about something. I’ll never know.

Laurie: Empathy is a good emotion to have. It really allows you to cut some slack for the other person. Thanks for visiting, Roger.

Really great stuff here. It’s so, SO hard not to take almost everything personally, but, in reality, usually whatever someone else says/does/etc. is about him or her, NOT about you. It’s hard to remember this sometimes, but it’s really important!

Laurie: It is hard to remember and sometimes I completely forget for a few hours then it hits me, “heyyy, wait a minute…it’s not me…”

I’ve seen that video before. The first time I didn’t see the bear. This time I showed my wife and she didn’t see the bear either.

It’s amazing that what we focus on and how it determines our success. I’ve been focusing on big projects and getting more accomplished. When we focus on what matters that’s when success comes naturally.

Laurie: You’re so right. You can’t be successful without being focused.

Laurie: Surprising, isnt’ it? Once you know it’s there you wonder how you missed. it.

Laurie, amazing post and amazing suggestion! I’m going to try this too.

Laurie: It’s made a difference for me. However, sometimes I find it difficult to remember to do it! Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Daphne; I appreciate it.

“The kinder and more thoughtful a person is, the more kindness they can find in other people.”

Leo Tolstoy

Interesting post! Authentic kindness can sometimes be hard to come by- if we pay attention to our intuition we can really sense when it is real. We can tell the truth with grace and compassion, this is REAL kindness~ not putting on the fake smile while we pretend to go along, resenting all the while. A real friend will speak their truth- and for this we will trust them. This indeed is kind:)

Laurie: Thanks for the quote. I’m not familiar with that one so I’m glad you shared it. And thank you also for your comment. Authentic kindness is hard to come by and when you experience it, it’s so much more meaningful than experiencing someone’s ‘niceness.’

Wow you have a very nice blog here. Great article as well. Would you by any chance be interested in exchanging links, I’m sure my readers would love your blog. Please comment back on my blog if your interested. Keep up the great writing, nevertheless I’ll return often

I wish you love and peace of mind
Yours truly
Allen Loomis

Laurie: Hi Allen
Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. I’ve checked out your blog and really like what you’re writing about so I’ll be visiting regularly!

Excellent article Laurie, I thought the concluding paragraph wrapped it up just right. I feel that we actually owe it to others to be honest with them. It’s an expression of respect. As you pointed out though, this should be done in a compassionate and tactful way that doesn’t compromise our honesty.

Laurie: A lot of our actions come down to choosing an active display of respect for others and ourselves - thanks for reinforcing that. And thank you for dropping by my blog; I’m happy to “see” you here!

Laurie,

Thank you for the link!!

“When kindness is expressed in a way that is compassionate, understanding and respectful, it is easier to be kind without the potential hazards of being “nice.” And while it can be hard to be kind, it’s even harder to live with the after effects of “nice.”

I wish I had said this in my post. We want to be as nice as we can be, but not at the expense of true kindness.

Laurie: Hi Roger,

I really enjoyed your post - as I do for all of them!

Wonderful post! I really enjoyed reading it…and a lot of the other things on your site. It’s great!

Laurie: Hi PP. I’m glad to see you here, thanks for stopping by. I’ve been enjoying your blog also. You’ve got many really good posts!

We can never really be kind unless we are strong enough to support that kindness. True kindness is strength controlled and love expressed with utmost respect.

Laurie: Good comment. Thanks for adding it.

Hi Laurie

You have touched on a subject that is very close to my heart and I like your discussion around what is in fact kind.

My favourite quote of all time is from Seneca:
“Where ever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness”

Juliet

Laurie: I like the quote. Can we include animals and not just human beings? Thanks for visiting, Juliet.

Nice post!

“What’s unfortunate about these situations is the damage that’s done not only to the other person in terms of the potential assault on their self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth but also to ourselves in terms of how others perceive us and whether or not they want to continue a relationship with us.”

How true. In fact, we often hurt ourselves more than the other party.

Laurie: Agreed. Sad but true.
Thanks for coming by, Roger!

Laurie: Yes, our competitive and self-focused environment…friendships have certainly become more important these days. Thanks for visiting, Terry; I appreciate it.

Laurie: “Clear away the fears” - I like that…there’s a sense of strength in it. Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Chris. Thanks too for stopping by.

I like your observation that kindness is about being actively kind.

Laurie: Thanks for coming by, Vered. I’m glad you did.

Your right being kind is simple and direct….It is so easy to do! We all should practice as much as possible.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

Laurie: Would that be great? What a different place our world would be. Good to “see” you here; thanks!

Great advice!

I really like your 5 lessons. With kindness, the giver gets more long-term happiness than the receiver.

Laurie: Thanks for stopping by again, Roger. I appreciate your taking the time to visit.

I agree, we should be accountable to ourselves for what we do or not do. The video had an interesting twist at the end.

Laurie: Thanks for visiting, Rowe.

Wow, this is very powerful. Just another reminder to us that WE ARE NOT FOR SALE. We can not be for sale, because if we are then when where is the line that stop us from go over to the evil side.
Thanks for this.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

Laurie: It’s amazing how strong we can be when we’re not for sale. I like how you put it and I agree that there is no line when we’re not for sale - so evil can’t be a consideration. Thanks for stopping by, Giovanna.

Laurie, I wonder if this is one of those silver linings we could begin to see emerge after the current economic recession, for as painful as this period is for us, our behaviors are changing for the better in many ways. Less consumerism, less focus on things versus people? Less playing with our toys and more enjoyment of conversation with others? The more we engage with others the more comfortable we are at doing so, and the more skilled we become at the social graces, being more thoughtful versus hurried.

Laurie: Let’s hope this is the gift we’ll receive from our unfortunate economic climate. We’d certainly be better off and much happier. Thanks for visiting, Rosa.

I agree with what you are saying, but I also think some people are more attuned with being courteous and/or performing random acts of kindness than others. I also think most people are so caught up in their own little universe they forget to be courteous by default. Especially in the workplace, the day to day grind, same old same old, most people just want to get through their day and back home again (or somewhere else) where they would rather be.

Laurie: That’s true. Some people just “are” courteous and by being so are more inclined to do RAK, others don’t notice it either way. Perhaps if we were more attuned to positive actions, by ourselves and others, we wouldn’t see work as the same old grind.

Thanks for visiting, Rowe; I’m glad you came by.

Hi Laurie - this is wonderful. It especially strikes a chord with me because my mother does what this person’s friends did - she never hears my story because she turns it into being about her, in her attempt to be empathic (I don’t think she reads your blog!) I’d like to think I’ve learned to listen to people as they share their story.

Laurie: If you’ve noticed this in others, I’m sure you know how to listen - and I bet you’ve got a lot of friends because of it. Thanks for stopping by Robin; I’m glad you did.

You have a lot of great quotes here, today this one speak to me to most: “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships”. ~ Anthony Robbins
Thank you,
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

Laurie: It’s one of my favourites also. Easy and so true. It’s good to see you visiting again, Giovanna. Thank you!

I have to remember to start with the positive. Its too easy to point out what is wrong, we forget to mentions what’s right. Great post!

Laurie: Exactly. Sometimes our attention is so focused on what’s wrong that we end up missing the good stuff. Thanks for stopping by, Carla; I’m glad you did.

This is challenging, Laurie. I live with an internal critic which at times I find amusing. But you are right when it comes to dealing with another person and you have some sort of criticism against them. No-one likes to receive criticism.

What I would also like to know from you, please, is your opinion on criticism in general. I find that most conversations between people involves criticism of some sort, whether it is criticising something or someone else. How do you handle this type of a conversation when criticism is being dished?

Laurie: I agree - it is challenging, especially when it’s someone giving it to me and not the other way around. To answer your question (a good one by the way) speaking generally, I usually assume that there’s some miscommunication (on my part) or information missing. Either I’m don’t know a particular aspect of what they’re saying or they don’t know something about the situation (ie. me) to have made the criticism. Often I ask, as politely as I can, how they came up with the conclusion or saying something like “Is that really true? How do you know that?” Then we both start thinking more about it and have a better understanding of what led to the criticism…and if it is true or not. Sometimes, it is true and they’ve taught me something about myself (hopefully, it was all amicable!).

Thanks for visiting this post too, Rowe. I appreciate the time you took to come by.

Excellent! I have had to learn to do this over the years. Way back when, I thought I was helping by with my ‘you are not alone’ story. I would also try and fill in those uncomfortable silences by talking. I now realize those silences are okay. And if the person asks me if I have experienced something similar, I will share. If not, I simply listen.

Laurie: It’s taken me time to learn too; and I can completely relate to the uncomfortable silences - they can be really awkward. I’m finally more used to it now that I realize the silences were long to me, but not so to the other person. To them I think there’s so much going on in their minds that they don’t even notice. It also gives me an opportunity to either offer them a tissue to cry in or a hard object to throw, depending on the situation.

Thank you for stopping by. I get a kick out of your blog (except for your story today, which was beautifully touching) and look forward to your posts.

I have been guilty of not being a good listener and doing all the unhelpful things you mentioned here. Sorry everyone whom I did not listen to, but instead thought I was helping you by doling out advice, my opinions or my experiences, upping the ante etc. Ooh it makes me shudder to think now. Thank you for this insight.

Laurie: I’ve been guilty of it too, however, there are times when it probably does help…depends on the situation, really. At the same time, when I’ve been silent the other person has been able to delve into their story more and, by doing so, they realize things that perhaps they didn’t at the beginning of the conversation.

Thanks for stopping by, Rowe, I appreciate it.

Aloha Laurie, thank you so much for visiting my Talking Story blog and leaving a comment there - it drew me here to read this!

As Giovanna and David have offered, I also agree and concur with your wisdom. A lesson I often share with managers in my coaching is that “Silence is Golden” and we practice listening exercises, for our normal m.o. - especially as managers - is to always be thinking ahead and filling our listening spaces with that thinking time of what we will say next. We think we are being proactive, but the listening suffers. The exercises we do are to help them get more comfortable when silences crop up, being okay with silent listening and sinking-in time instead, and often that is far better than anything they could have next said and added.

Laurie: Hi Rosa ~ Thank you for visiting; I’m happy you’ve come by! I’ve been enjoying your blog and your insights.

Thanks for stopping by!

Hi Laurie,

I agree, completely. It is best to just listen, and let them have the stage, so to speak. I find most of the time, when people come to me, they aren’t looking for advice or encouragement, just someone to listen genuinely.

Laurie: I find that too. And often, once they talk it through, they’ve figured out what they need to do without our advice. Thanks for visiting, David; I appreciate it.

I see this happen a lot, people speak more than they listen. We should keep in mind that we got to listen more than we speak, that is why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth. To listen, we must listen with understanding and empathy.
Thank you for sharing.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

Laurie: 2 ears, 1 mouth - kind of says it all. Thanks for visiting, Giovanna.

Great tips on how to give feedback. My favorite is what you said about: ” Having ideas for improvement.” That is what make the different between Criticism Vs Feedback. My feeling is that a not so positive comment with meaningful suggestions are Feedback. A not so positive comment with no value to offer is more like a criticism.

Thank you,
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

Laurie: That’s a good way to look at it. It’s all in what we do after we state the not so positive. Thanks for your observation.

laurie, reading this my first thought was while this has obvious implications for work, this also offers parents something to think about. Do we criticize or provide feedback for our kids? Criticism has the power to do damage if not handled well, whereas feedback that is calm and delivered with empathy and with a helpful mindset offers guidance and opportunity for growth. I would suggest that for teens this is especially important since it’s hard for a know-it-all teenager to handle being wrong or feeling put down

Kelly

Laurie: Well said, Kelly. Since I don’t have children, I didn’t think about applying a feedback approach to them. I see now from you, and Acooba, that there would be room for this at home. “Delivered with empathy” to “offer guidance” - I like how you worded that. Thanks for taking the time to come by and visit.

Laurie,
Thank you for this wise, wonderful and inspiring post. I especially appreciated:
1) your characterization of feedback as “information with the goal of improvement;”
2) encouraging feedback to be honest, respectful, and supportive;
3) your reminder to safe guard the relationship; and
4) the emphasis on collaboration on ideas for improvement.
I believe that these same principles should be applied at home, particularly with regard to child-rearing.

Laurie: Thank you for your lovely comment, Acooba. Not being a parent, I didn’t think about these in regard to children (to spouses, yes!); your point is good. Thanks for visiting; I appreciate it.