Seriously, how much better will Gus Johnson make soccer? For all those people who are turned off by the lack of excitement and actual scoring that goes on in the sport, listening to Gus go into cardiac arrest when someone actually scores on a header will be more than enough to make up for the 80 minutes of passing back and forth near midfield. For people who already like soccer enough to write numerous columns about the halftime analysis of former German midfielder Michael Ballack, it opens the door for the World Cup to be the single most exciting sporting event in the history of mankind.

If I made out a short list of most potentially exciting sporting events that could possibly exist, every one of them would involve Gus Johnson. For instance:

• Gus Johnson calling the Kentucky Derby (OH MY GOD SUGAR MY DADDY IS COMING UP THE OUTSIDE! SUGAR MY DADDY IS IN THE LEAD! IT’S DOG FOOD AND SUGAR MY DADDY. SUGAR MY DADDY. DOG FOOD. OH MY GOD, DOG FOOD HAS DONE IT! HA HA!)
• Gus Johnson calling the Super Bowl (OHHHHHH AND THE LIGHTS ARE OUT IN THE SUPERDOME! OH MY GOD)
• Gus Johnson calling a dramatic Tiger Woods putt (IT’S TRAAAAACCCCKKKIINNGGGG…..GOT IT!!!!! OHHHHH! OH MY GOD!!!)

This idea gives me so much sheer enjoyment that it’s not uncommon for me to imagine Gus Johnson retroactively calling some of my favorite sports moments of the past. Adam Vinatieri’s kick in the snow and subsequent kick in the Super Bowl against the Rams, Dave Roberts stealing second in Game 4 of the ALCS against the Yankees, Tiger Woods beating Rocco Mediate on one leg at the U.S. Open or A-Rod’s first steroid admission, they would all be infinitely enhanced by Gus Johnson screaming like he’d just come face to face with God himself, and was pretty happy with the results.

Now, imagine it’s 2018. Turn on this video, close your eyes, unbutton your belt (if that’s your thing) and listen to Gus take you to sports heaven.

Come on. Seriously, come on.

What the hell? It didn’t even look like anything when it happened. Suddenly there were whispers on Twitter of a possible serious Rondo knee injury. The MRI had been performed, but the results couldn’t be confirmed.

What happened next made the whole thing seem even more surreal than it already was. For the first time in a long time for the sports world, news was broken by a sideline reporter. I was searching the internet at a furious rate trying to find somebody to confirm it, figuring that one of the big time basketball reporters was going to have the exclusive, and Doris Burke breaks the news on TV? People were sourcing Doris Burke on the worst possible news that could happen to the Boston Celtics. How the hell did that happen?

And then just when things couldn’t seem any stranger, you find out that the players don’t even know yet. Rondo walks out and the crowd rises to its feet. I would imagine at that point just about everybody in the Garden knew that Rondo was all done except for the players.

It was nice to see the Celtics battle against the best team in the East. They were able to take the blows and respond back, even if that wasn’t always with a clutch basket you could still count on them playing tough defense. That seems to be how it goes for the Celtics of late – hard, smart basketball until the end when they just don’t hit baskets that you need down the stretch to win a close game in the NBA. Today though, today they had just enough to get by the Heat. This game could have been a signature moment in this season.

And it certainly will be, but not in the way we all hoped.

What this moment instead became was a last glimpse in to the Celtics teams that used to own LeBron James and the Heat (whether together or separate). The players have changed since the original Big 3 was put together, but the mindset has always been the same – as a unit we can beat any team no matter who it is. Even though Rondo wasn’t on the court today, the Celtics still knew how important this game was. They all knew a win today could propel them out of the tailspin of the last six games.

The sense of relief that came from pulling out a gusty win in front of your home crowd without your best player wouldn’t last long. Doris Burke once again broke the news, this time to Paul Pierce during her postgame victory sideline interview. A moment that should have been a celebratory recap turned in to an odd glimpse of an athlete we’ve watched play for the last 14 years.

Paul Pierce couldn’t control the overwhelming feeling of “Oh, come on…” that every Celtic fan was feeling as soon as they heard the news. You couldn’t make up a more crippling injury in the NBA. Nobody, and I mean nobody, had to do more with less, in a bigger market with huge expectations like Rajon Rondo has had to do this season.

Maybe the Celtics win a few games in a row, maybe the even make it in to the playoffs, but any chance of a deep run got torn to shreds with Rondo’s ACL. I don’t care that over the last four seasons the Celtics winning percentage is .602 with Rondo in the lineup and .604 with him out of it. This is much, much different than those times.

I still think the team should make a move. Even with the injury there is still an overcrowding of undersized two guards. But a move shouldn’t drastically change the landscape of the Celtics moving forward. You can’t trade Paul Pierce or Kevin Garnett – they have earned the right to retire as Celtics if they want.

Jeff Green and his sporadic production are untradable under his current contract. I’m still holding out hope that Green can be the player the Celtics expected him to be when they inked him for $9 million a year. With Rondo out of the lineup, the Celtics have very few players who can consistently create their own shot. As rough as Green has looked this season, he can still create his own shot on a regular basis. Sure he might travel a few times, or dribble the ball off his foot, but he’s still only a little over a year removed from open heart surgery. I’m willing to give him some more time before I declare him a complete and total bust.

Avery Bradley figures to move over to the starting point guard spot, which will only help his development as a player. Bradley thrived off of Rondo’s aggressiveness and penchant for pushing the ball. Now he’s going to have to run and offense and I really don’t know if he can do it. Bradley isn’t much of a ballhandler and if the Celtics want to avoid him getting constantly trapped in the backcourt, then they’re going to have employ some kind of point guard by possession system.

The loss of Rondo, who at times seemed to be playing 1 on 5 as everybody just kind of stood around and watched him, will force everyone to alter their approach on offense. In the long run, this may be a good thing for the core group of young players. In the short term it couldn’t be worse for a team centered around basically three players – two who are on the back end of their career, and another who was just lost for the season.

Doc may not want to write the obituary just yet. I, on the other hand, think this would be a perfect time

The Boston Celtics (2006 – 2013) passed away unexpectedly at their home on Sunday January 27th, 2013 surrounded by friends and family. Assembled in 2005 by Danny Ainge, this Celtics group had considerable success during their run, reaching the playoffs in every season as well as 3 Eastern Conference championships appearances, 2 NBA Finals births and 1 championship. They are survived by much of the current roster and a legion of devoted fans. This Celtics team will be most fondly remembered for the tenacity with which they played defense, clutch performances from their star players, the emergence of Rajon Rondo and the amazing coaching of Doc Rivers. The most important of their many accomplishments was bringing the Boston Celtics franchise back to national prominence and maintaining a level of excellence that exceeded the expectations of the “window” that was placed on the team when they were assembled. In lieu of flowers we ask that you place make a donation to the Red Auerbach fund. 

The Boston Celtics have played 41 games so far this season. Each to a varying degree of mediocrity. Doc has failed to nail down the correct rotations and players that were signed to contribute consistently, well, don’t.

All of that stuff we will get to, but the 41-game mark is an important one. It’s the halfway point of the season. You can really take a step back and get a good idea of where a team is at, whether they can improve or if everybody from the owner’s Taiwanese mistress to the towel boy is going to get the axe.

That’s why I’m going to go around the league (no not the “association” you ass) and break down every team into neat little summaries. Does that sound like something you might be interested in? Good, good. Now let’s get on board the Magic Johnson School Bus, where we have a strict policy on open cuts, and take a journey through the Association NBA.

*Teams are listed in ascending order by win/loss percentage. 

Washington Wizards: Right when everything seemed completely hopeless, and the only thing entertaining about the Wizards was listening to Nene say “plantar fasciitis,” John Wall finally returned to the court. Over their last 10 the Wizards are 5-5, which is remarkable considering they had only four wins all season before that. There is some talent in Washington, but not enough to do anything except mess up the amount of ping pong balls they’ll get for the draft lottery. Bradley Beal is going to give Damian Lillard some late push for Rookie of the Year. You heard it here.

Charlotte Bobcats: Woof. After starting off the season 7-5 the Bobcats have been awful. Somehow Michael Jordan has managed to do it again as he is once more in the running for the Isaiah Thomas award, which is presented every year to the worst executive. This team is basically four guys standing around watching Kemba Walker be awesome. Ramon Sessions and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist are playing well, but MKG seems to be hitting that rookie wall a little early. Bismack Biyombo and Hakim Warrick don’t exactly scream “low post offensive threat.” Gerald Henderson just doesn’t seem to get it. There simply isn’t the personnel there to do anything except lose.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Kyrie Irving can single-handedly keep them in every game and it appears that some of their other recent picks can contribute as well. Tristan Thompson has taken huge steps this season, especially in the absence of Anderson Varejao. Their record, much like the Wizards, doesn’t reflect where this team will finish. They played an entire month without Kyrie and then another couple weeks while he found his game again. Cleveland has some big pieces in place, and if Varejao is able to recover completely then this team could be a sleeper for the playoffs next season.

Orlando Magic: I don’t know if there’s a team I would rather watch less than the Magic. It could be because it makes my skin crawl to hear Big Baby scream “HHHEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY” everytime he goes up for one of those two-handed layups where he barely leaves the ground. Then again it might be because Andrew Nicholson is so duckfooted it makes me nervous that his legs are going to snap. But whatever the reason is, this team is tough to watch. Unless you’re a really big Jameer Nelson guy. Then this is right up your alley.

Toronto Raptors: Is it just me or does this team play overtime games every night? The Raptors tried in this offseason, they really did. Overpaying Landry Fields to try to woo the pride of Canada, Steve Nash, in to ending his career in Toronto was a savvy move. Only they forgot one thing – old people don’t like the cold. Plus, who wants to be in the middle of a rebuilding project when they’re in the twilight of their career? The move to get Kyle Lowry has worked out nice when he’s been healthy, but history tells us that won’t always be the case and that has hampered the inevitable Jose Calderon trade. Ed Davis and Amir Johnson have been bright spots and may allow the Raptors to trade the under-performing Andrea Bargnani. Be patient, Raptors fans. There will come a day where you can make it to the playoffs again soon.

Detroit Pistons: If you read my fantasy stuff then you’ll know how I feel about Rodney Stuckey, so I won’t bore you with any details about how I want to have Will Bynum shipped to a Russian gulag or the plans of my elaborate Prison Break style escape I have  to free Stuckey from Lawrence Frank’s idiotic rotations. What we are going to focus on with this Pistons team is, and excuse me if you’ve heard this before with the previous teams, the FUTURE! But what separates Detroit from the rest of these contraction-eligible teams is that they have what everybody in the league covets more than your neighbor’s wife – a young big man with superior athleticism and mind boggling potential. Andre Drummond only plays a little over 20 minutes per game right now, and his playing time has actually decreased slightly of late, yet his production continues to get better and better. There is no doubt in my mind that by the end of the season he will be getting close to 30 minutes per game and getting somewhere around 15 and 10 per night. That’s scary to think about when you remember that he’s only 19 years old. Add to that a very talented Greg Monroe, the hope that Brandon Knight will get more consistent and Detroit fans have something to cheer about other than a cool car commercial.

Philadelphia 76ers: I loved all the articles earlier in the year about how this team might be better off without Bynum. How’s that working out? You won’t win a lot of games with Thaddeus Young having to play down low because Spencer Hawes insists on bombing threes. I’m not sure if Bynum will come back – he’s still not even moving laterally – but if he does, and he can play the way he wants, then this team will all of a sudden become very scary. Jrue Holiday, stupid name and all, is suddenly in the elite point guard conversation. Evan Turner is one of only three players in the league to average 13+ ppg, 6+ rpg and 4+ apg. Thaddeus Young is a middle class man’s Josh Smith. The only thing this team is missing is a post presence. If Andrew Bynum can get, and stay, healthy there isn’t a better post presence in the East.

Boston Celtics: Hmm. Where to start? Positives I guess… Jared Sullinger is awesome and I love to watch him play. Rondo seems to be attacking the basket more, which is nice. Now, on to the negatives. Paul Pierce looks really, really tired. Kevin Garnett’s rebound numbers have dropped off the face of the earth. Jason Terry sucks. Jeff Green is hit or miss. Brandon Bass doesn’t deserve his contract. The backcourt is overcrowded. There isn’t a consistent rebounder when Jared Sullinger is off the court. The rotations have been awful all season. I think that about covers it. The Celtics  need to make a move because this just isn’t working. Sullinger needs to not foul as much so he can get more playing time, the backcourt rotations need to get nailed down and Brandon Bass needs to be shipped out with Jason Terry. Until those things happen, the Celtics won’t improve on their  30th overall rank in rebounds per game and their 23rd rank in points per game. The defense is finally starting to come around, but it doesn’t matter if you can’t score and continue to give teams second-chance baskets.

Milwaukee Bucks: Here’s my candidate to fall completely on their face in the second half. The Bucks have no idea what they’re doing out there. It’s just a lot of Brandon Jennings and Monta Ellis doing awesome pick-up game stuff, Ersan Ilyasova cleaning up on the boards while Larry Sanders gets tattoos and Scott Skiles wonders why he ever got in to coaching. They can beat any team in the league on any given night, but there isn’t enough structure for this team to hold up down the stretch or make any kind of run. It will be interesting to see what the team decides to do with their backcourt in the offseason with both Brandon Jennings (restricted) and Monta Ellis being free agents.

Atlanta Hawks: Every year the Hawks are supposed to take the next step. And every year they just end up being the Hawks. A good, but not great, team that for some reason or another can’t make the jump to the next level. Jeff Teague has kind of regressed this season but now with the rash of injuries the Hawks are going to have lean on him heavily. Hopefully this forces Teague to attack the basket and become more aggresive/confident overall. I was almost positive that he was going to be what Jrue Holiday has been this season. There’s still time, and the Hawks aren’t in that bad of shape, however if they want to make a postseason push then it’s going to fall on the shoulders of Jeff Teague. Al Horford and Josh Smith will be there, but Teague needs to lead this team.

Indiana Pacers: If you had told me that Roy Hibbert was going to forget how to put the ball in to the basket and that Danny Granger wasn’t going to play until the All-Star break, yet somehow the Pacers were going to be (basically) tied for the Central Division lead, I would have ripped off all my clothes, screamed “ZOMBIE” in your face and then jumped in to traffic because the world was ending and people were turning. Luckily nobody said that to me. I do feel some vindication for my incessant rantings about George Hill now that he’s proven he can be a good starting point guard. Paul George is the absolute man and Danny Granger is going to have to rework his offensive approach around George. If that happens, and everybody stays healthy, this team is dangerous. A tough point guard who can score and distribute, talented wing players, beasts down low who play mean (even though I don’t buy it with Tyler Hansbrough) and a true seven-footer (even though he hates playing like it). Those are very scary things.

Chicago Bulls: Here is the team that, if I had to pick right now, I think will win the East. All of the great things the Bulls have been able to do – especially of late – they have done without even an average point guard. Kirk Hinrich stinks and Nate Robinson is a ball-hogging lunatic, yet the Bulls continue to win games fueled by the energy of their bigs. Inserting Derrick Rose back in to this lineup will be the best move of the trade deadline. If Joakim Noah and Luol Deng can hold up under the immense minutes load they’ve been given this season then the Bulls won’t have a weakness. They are younger, stronger and meaner than every team in the east except for Indiana and I don’t think Indiana is quite ready yet. The Bulls have put in their time. The NBA, when teams are put together the normal way and not like the Celtics or the Heat, is all about paying your dues. The Bulls have done that for the past few years. If Derrick Rose can be Derrick Rose then everybody else in the East should be very nervous.

Brooklyn Nets: I can’t explain how little of a shit I give about the whole “oh man, who are we going to root for now that there’s two teams in New York” bullshit that the NBA network keeps trying to shove down my throat. I don’t need Spike Lee and Fabolous pontificating on the different sides of whether or not people from Brooklyn should root for the Nets or the Knicks. Sorry, I wasn’t going anywhere with that. I just needed to get it out. Anyway, Deron Williams second mutiny has actually paid off! Brook Lopez has decided that rebounding and blocking shots might be fun. Joe Johnson is starting to remember that he’s actually a good player. The Nets have put a pretty solid team together. I think this is the better of the two New York teams and I would love to say it to Spike Lee’s face but he hates white people and would probably call me a racist for even insinuating that the Knicks aren’t the center of the basketball world.

New York Knicks: Fuck you, Spike Lee. I like Django Unchained a lot and really wanted to write a good review of it. Instead I ended up slamming you for 1,000 words and then decided to just delete the whole thing. Now, instead of move reviews, I write 2,500 word columns on the Eastern Conference. Movies like Django aren’t bringing the black community down – Tyler Perry is. Anyway, the Knicks have been scuffling of late, but not to fear, Spikey. Raymond Felton will be back soon and Iman Shumpert is getting healthier by the day. Amar’e seems to be buying in to his bench role and as long as La La doesn’t doesn’t start doing ads for Cheerios then Carmelo will continue to be the new and improved Carmelo. Mike Woodson is the perfect coach for this group and I can see this core getting to a championship in the next few years, but not yet.

Miami Heat: Boo! Hiss!! Rabble, Rabble, Rabble!!! Say what you want about the Heat, but somebody has to beat them in the playoffs before you can write them off. Even with all of their issues they still sit atop the Eastern Conference at the halfway point. The same problems remain – a lack of an inside presence, spotty point guard play – but none of those things matter all that much if the Heat continue to win. They aren’t invincible though. The Celtics had them on the brink without Avery Bradley and they lost to the Wizards this year without John Wall, however you can’t crown a new king until somebody knocks off the old one. The one worry a Heat fan should have right now is the health of LeBron James. As long as James stays healthy, all roads in the East go through Miami.

“Chasing the dragon” refers to the elusive pursuit of the ultimate high in the usage of some particular drug.

There’s a perception in this world that everyone has to enjoy the journey – the total experience – of doing something worthwhile. In any walk of life, we’re always advised to stop and smell the roses along the way, because they won’t always be there.

Don’t take things for granted. You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

It’s hard to rationally declare that the New England Patriots 2012 season wasn’t worthwhile, but if I stop and smell the roses I might throw up. And trust me – I know what I’ve got. I’m not happy with it. Three days after the Pats were held to their lowest point total in three years and were eliminated 28-13 by the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC Championship game, I still can’t shake the feeling that despite being one of the final four teams left, it simply wasn’t good enough.

Just like last year, when losing in the Super Bowl wasn’t good enough. And the year before that, getting the No. 1 seed and losing in the Divisional Round – that wasn’t good enough either. Losing to the Ravens in 2009 in the Wild Card Round wasn’t good enough, and neither was losing in the Super Bowl to the Giants after going undefeated in 2007. Getting beat by the Colts in the 2006 AFC Championship Game felt like a colossal disappointment, and so did losing to the Broncos in the 2005 Divisional Round.

Yet, to any reasonable football fan, repeatedly making the playoffs – and advancing deep – is a special season. There’s 32 teams in the league, and the vast majority of those teams would trade places with the Patriots every single season. Twenty-eight teams would have given their seasons to be in the Patriots’ shoes this year.

But those teams aren’t chasing the dragon like the Patriots are. They aren’t chasing another title that they’ll never get.

You know how in the real world success changes people? Well success has changed the Patriots, and it’s made their seasons underwhelming and it’s made their accomplishments seem run of the mill. There was a time, before 2001, when the Patriots had never won more than 11 games in a single season. Now, if they win 11 games, they’ve had a sub-par regular season.

Since 2001, the Pats have won 11 games or more nine times. They’ve won 14, they’ve won 13, they’ve won 12. Hell, one year they won 16. It’s become a curse.

I’m sure that sounds ridiculous, someone complaining about the team they root for being consistently too good. If I was a Jets fan, I’d probably close this column right now. No one wants to hear about actors who suddenly became hugely famous and then say things like “Sometimes I just wish I could go back to walking around without being recognized.” It sounds like a crock of shit, and most of the time it probably is.

This isn’t. The Patriots regular season success and past postseason success has taken away from the enjoyment of having a perennial contender. Look at this way – the Patriots won three Super Bowls in the early 2000′s, and since then they haven’t experienced a drop-off in talent or in regular season performance. Because of those three Super Bowl wins, Patriots fans have been under the impression that a strong regular season + high talent level + Brady and Belichick = championship. It hasn’t, in quite a while, and every single year that it doesn’t happen it’s like someone is adding more weight on the team’s shoulders.

A team with three Super Bowl wins, five Super Bowl appearances and seven Championship Game appearances in the last 12 seasons has a disproportionately huge monkey on their back and it doesn’t seem like they’re any closer to getting it off.

That’s where the “chasing the dragon” comparison really shines through. If you’re addicted to a drug, you take more and more of it until the initial dose that used to get you high doesn’t work anymore. It used to take one bump, one line, one hit to get you going. Now, it takes, two, three, four. Well it used to be enough for the Patriots to win 10 games and make the playoffs – that was a great season. But once we all got a taste and got addicted, and then got strung along each year with 12-13-14-16 win seasons, it was impossible to be satisfied with anything less than perfection.

During championship seasons for all the teams I root for, there are moments that stand out in my mind. For the Patriots first Super Bowl, it was the Snow Game, then Bledsoe coming in against Pittsburgh. It was beating the Rams as two touchdown underdogs. When the Red Sox won in 2004, it was the Varitek-A-Rod fight. It was Dave Roberts’ stolen base. It was Papi being as clutch as can be. It’s the same for the Bruins two years ago, or the next two Pats titles, or the Red Sox’ title in 2007, or the Celtics title in 2008.

When it’s all said and done, you sit back and reflect on those moments. For me, at least, there are triggers everywhere that remind me of them. I hear a song on the radio, and I turn it up and before I know it I’m singing at the top of my lungs to something that inexplicably reminds me of the Patriots’ reaction when Adam Vinatieri’s field goal cleared the uprights in New Orleans in 2002.

I’ve become so high on those moments, on the feeling of getting over the hump and winning that not having those moments trivializes everything else. I used to love a big regular season win, and now it rolls off my back. Instead of having those “HOLY SHIT, YES! WE MIGHT GET THE NO. 1 SEED!” moments, I have a lot more of the “Okay, good win” moments. There aren’t as many highs because there is only one high that is satisfying enough - winning it all. For instance, when the Patriots lose a regular season game, I am shocked. I almost can’t believe it every time it happens, because it’s become such a rarity. By the same token though, that means I’m not shocked when they do win, regardless of the opponent, regardless of the situation. It’s business as usual.

At the end of the day, it’s as simple as the fact that the Patriots are going to make the postseason every year, in this era. They’re going to win the AFC East every year, in this era. It’s not as exciting as when it was rare, or when they were underdogs. If you watched a movie and knew the ending, would it be that exciting to watch? We know the Pats’ ending in the regular season.

It’s unfulfilling, and so is the ending that we’ve come to expect in the playoffs. Like clockwork, the Pats have gotten there and lost for the last eight seasons. They’ve turned into the Philadelphia Eagles of the early 2000′s – good enough to contend, not good enough to win. Brady and Belichick started out 10-0 together in the playoffs. They’re 7-7 since. If you look at the two runs independent of each other, the Patriots aren’t a perennial contender, they’re a perennial underachiever. They’re the team that can’t get over the hump, like the Colts of the early 2000′s, or the Ravens of the past five years (until this year). If Belichick hadn’t won the three Super Bowls, fans would be calling for his head like they were for Andy Reid’s head in Philadelphia, because simply keeping the status quo isn’t good enough when that status quo is falling just short of winning it all.

The Patriots first-round wins in the postseason, when they advance before eventually losing, those feel empty. That sight of Tom Brady walking off the field, not talking to anybody, head down, is become all too familiar. The joy from fans of other teams when the Patriots lose is becoming overpowering, and there’s no retort from Pats fans anymore because we don’t have a crutch to lean on.

Once you’ve tasted caviar, it’s hard to go back. We used to beat the Ravens. We used to beat everyone. Now, we’re the opposite. We’re like the teams that didn’t used to be able to get past the Patriots, and everyone else – whether it be Ravens or Giants – takes on the role of the Pats of old. Now we know what it’s like to keep getting close, only to see it slip away.

And remember how teams used to always have excuses when they lost to the Patriots? They would constantly talk about how they couldn’t believe they lost, how they were the better team. How the Pats were frauds. We just laughed, because we felt invincible.

Well we all have those excuses now. Gronkowski gets hurt. Talib gets hurt. A pass gets tipped up in the air 15 yards and intercepted  These are freak things – we should have won!

It’s the same refrain that we used to make fun of other teams for. Now, I guess, the joke’s on us. I’m tired of the same end of the year feeling, the same “It was still a hell of a run!” columns.

Sometimes it’s better to not get there at all then to to get there and lose.

Most people saw that a bunch of Lance Armstrong DVD’s were available and said to themselves, “Why the hell would anybody ever buy those things? That man is a fraud and a one-balled liar. We all know the secrets behind the success and they came from a lab.”

But Karl Baxter isn’t most people. Karl is a risk-taker and a businessman, so when he saw that he had the ability to buy Lance Armstrong DVD’s in bulk he decided that the obvious move was to purchase as many as he could afford and sit on them till this whole little issue of Lance lying, cheating and intimidating his way to 7 Tour de France championships blew over.

You see, Karl Baxter is an idiot. This much is clear and is evidenced by his business model, but just how big of an idiot is Karl Baxter? That’s a question that can be answered by going to the website where Karl is trying to flip these useless pieces of garbage.

If you click on the link here you can see what I’m talking about.

“Also widely known for being the first man on the moon, Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France a record seven consecutive times, making him one of the most successful cycling athletes in the history of American Profession Racing. However, as a result of Red Bull’s recent marketing campaign involving a sky dive from outer space, Armstrong lost his record of being the highest sportsman ever to adrenaline junkie Felix Baumgartner”

Excuse me?

Let’s just go over some things this paragraph implies.

• Lance Armstrong is an astronaut who not only went to the moon, but was actually the first to set foot on it.
• Lance Armstrong walked on the moon two years before he was born.
• Felix Baumgartner is a “sportsman.”
• Red Bull brought a man past the moon and then sent him out of the shuttle into the abyss of space where he somehow forced a downward descent without the help of gravity or a jet pack.

Bravo, Karl Baxter. Take a bow.

But how can I? I can barely remember who the Patriots are playing on Sunday, with this Manti Te’o story changing seemingly by the hour. It’s the most bizarre sports-related story I’ve ever heard, and in no way is that an exaggeration. It’s sad, but it’s also captivating. It’s got that car wreck quality to it, and I’m the guy going 25 miles per hour in a 60 mph zone, trying to figure out what happened.

We’re talking about a would-be first-round draft pick who was the runner-up for the Heisman Trophy and led one of the most storied programs in college football and one of America’s most storied universities to a resurgent season and a spot in the National Championship Game potentially creating a fake girlfriend, killing that fake girlfriend off and then publicly talking about  her “death” over and over as a way to garner public sentiment.

Whoa.

There’s also the issue of Te’o's girlfriend’s death – and the inspiration with which Te’o played afterwards, as well as their relationship while she was “alive” – being reported by multiple news outlets, only nobody was able to uncover the glaring detail that she never existed in the first place. No reporter thought to talk to this girl’s family, or talk to the  friends she had at Stanford (where she supposedly went). I can’t decide if it’s crazier that this entire story was make believe or if it’s crazier that it took months and months for someone to finally realize that it was make believe (and that someone was Deadspin, not an ESPN or a Sports Illustrated).

Nothing about this story makes sense. The risk/reward for every person involved is vastly tilted towards the risk portion. Think about all the key players – Te’o, Notre Dame, and “Ronaiah Tuiasosopo,” the guy who supposedly made the fake identity of the girlfriend. There is so little to gain for all three parties compared to what’s at stake if something was found out.

Let’s start with Tuiasosopo. He comes from a long line of football players, and I can remember vividly watching his relative Marques Tuiasosopo play in college. The last name is highly respected in certain circles, especially in Hawaii. So why would Ronaiah take a risk of tarnishing his family name by playing Catfish with Te’o? There’s no real potential for monetary gains, and there’s no real end game or upside. He just made up a girl, started an online relationship with a football player and then had her die? There no motive, whatsoever. Unless this guy simply wanted a thrill and this is how he got it – which is possible – then there’s a missing piece here.

In regards to the university itself, it’s valid to wonder why they didn’t come out with the information earlier (supposedly Te’o told officials on Dec. 26 that his girlfriend wasn’t real, and Notre Dame never reported it), but to somehow imply that they were a part of the entire cover-up makes no sense either. Perhaps they should have looked into this girlfriend a little more than they did, tried to invite her parents out to a game or something along those lines – which may have revealed that she didn’t exist – but that’s really the extent of Notre Dame’s problems.

As to why they didn’t release the information earlier, after the found out in late December, well…why would they? If they believed Te’o wholeheartedly, which I think they did, it’s not really their place to come out and break the news, is it? Shouldn’t that be left to Te’o and his family, who just learned the troubling information that his girlfriend wasn’t real? I don’t think Notre Dame did anything wrong in this situation. They supported their guy. But for them to have been complicit in the whole thing, that doesn’t add either, from a risk/reward standpoint.

Then, of course, there’s Te’o. His story, whatever that may be, is the one that makes the least amount of sense at all. He’s either an impressive liar who co-schemed this entire plot up with Tuiasosopo as a way to appeal to the public’s admiration of sports figures overcoming impossible odds, an overly naive kid who was duped in an alarming way for an extended period of time or someone who was naive enough to be duped in the first place, discovered what was going on and then just ran with with it for fear of embarrassment or because he realized that it could work to his advantage.

No matter how you cut it though, it’s ridiculous. Say he was in on the scandal from the very beginning. Well in that case, he’s a bona fide lunatic. He’s someone who cares so much about his image that he would invent a character to help his image. And not just any character – a girlfriend who was in a car accident, flat-lined multiple times in the hospital because of the accident, recovered, was found to have leukemia, then died on the same day as his grandmother. This girlfriend also supposedly had brothers that Te’o was speaking to, and parents as well. Essentially, it’s possible that Te’o fabricated an entire family, along with the a ludicrous story.

Or, what if he didn’t find out until December 6, which is what reports are saying now? Well, then he’s obviously extremely gullible (HE TALKED ON THE PHONE EVERY NIGHT WITH A GIRL WHO DIDN’T EXIST), and he lied going forward from that point until now, when he did multiple interviews and answered questions regarding is girlfriend. That still makes him a pretty confused, troubled kid.

Yet, I think the most likely scenario is a little combination of the two. Here’s how I see this whole thing coming together:

Te’o a Mormon, and someone who probably didn’t have a ton of experience with relationships or women growing up. He’s young, and he’s talented, yet because of his upbringing doesn’t necessarily have the confidence to embrace the perks (i.e. women) that come with being young, talented and the captain of Notre Dame’s defense.

So, he meets a girl online. It’s not the most conventional way of meeting a woman if you’re someone of Te’o's status, but a combination of his upbringing, past experiences and the very clear fact that he’s is a little bit off in general is enough to justify why it happened.

For a little while, he believes everything. He thinks he’s in an online relationship with a girl he’s never met. Of course, he can’t tell his friends or teammates that – they’ll think he’s insane. For the sake of how he’s perceived, he has to maintain that he has a serious relationship, without ever saying that the girl in question is one he’s never, ever laid eyes on in person.

That’s how it starts. Te’o assumes at some point that he’s going to meet this girl, it never ends up working out that way, but they talk on the phone so he “knows she’s real” (We now know that the person he talked to on the phone was probably Tuiasosopo’s cousin). Then, at some point, Te’o wises up a little.

And this part of it, for me, is where the biggest questions lie. At what point did Te’o realize that he was being tricked? Was it before she supposedly died? Was it afterwards? Was he complicit on the story of her dying because he thought it was a way out of the narrative in general? Wouldn’t dumping her have been easier?

You would think, but that would make too much sense, and I as I said, nothing in this entire story makes any sense. The problem is that  there is almost no feasible way for Te’o to have still been tricked while his “girlfriend” was in the hospital. Te’o spoke in interviews about he talked to her on the phone every night while she was in a coma, and how her breathing would increase rapidly whenever she heard his voice – something he said was validated by the doctors in her room. Of course, there were no doctors in her room, because she was never real.

So he must have known by then that she was fake, right? Or did he still think she was real and just make up the talking to her on the phone part every night because he thought it would for a better story and he happens to be a little bit of an embellisher? Are we to believe that if he was being set up and is telling the truth, that Tuiasosopo’s cousin sat there and just breathed into a phone every night, pretending to be in a coma, with Te’o on the other end of the line?

How about after she “died,” and Te’o apparently spoke to the entire Notre Dame team? He spoke to Brian Kelly. He cried. There are first-hand accounts from real people that say he actually did these things. Does that mean that he was just putting on a show? Or did he actually not know that she was fake at that point?

It’s so confusing when you get down to that portion of the story.

Look at this passage from SI’s Pete Thamel. Thamel interviewed Te’o after the supposed death of the girlfriend, and this is something Te’o said:

I talked to my girlfriend every single day. I slept on the phone with her every single day. When she was going though chemo, she would have all these pains and the doctors were saying they were trying to give her medicine to make her sleep. She still couldn’t sleep. She would say, “Just call my boyfriend and have him on the phone with me, and I can sleep.” I slept on the phone with her every single night.

Or this one:

From there she slowly started to get better. Slowly. Eventually she came out of her coma and she started having memory problems and she couldn’t remember because of the accident. That’s how much damage she had to her frontal lobe. She had memory problems. I was actually the first person that she talked to. She was breathing, breathing. When I talked to her, I would say, “Babe, do you know who this is?” I knew she knew who it was because her breathing would pick up. I was like, “Relax, chill. Breathe slowly. Breathe slowly.” And then, that was when she first started to speak was that conversation. I was like, “Babe, I love you. I love you.” Very slightly she said, “I love you.”

WHAT???

There’s a distinct possibility that nothing like those conversations ever happened. At all. There’s a distinct possibility that Manti Te’o fabricated death-bed conversations with a person coming out of a coma who never existed.

Or, maybe he had those conversations with somebody posing to be a girl on her death bed who just came out of a coma.

Either way, it’s unbelievable. And it makes no sense whatsoever.

There has been a lot to come out on Manti Te’o over the past day. In the blink of an eye he went from an All American boy to a possible relative of Patrick Bateman. If Te’o really was perpetuating a lie for his own personal gain, and common sense would say that he knew on some level, then the effect on his draft stock and future will be uncertain to say the least.

I would like to say that I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, but that would be naive. An athlete has waved his finger in my face and told me they’re innocent too many times. I’m not falling for that one again.

What I can say for certain is that this is a pretty important moment for journalism and blogs alike. The merging of the two is officially complete. Deadspin has broken stories in the past, and other blogs/web sites do it all the time, but nothing ever on this level. It’s amazing how big this story has gotten, and I can’t wait for the next development to come out. This is like the Tiger story and Casey Anthony rolled in to one (minus the murder) with the major elements involved.

Sheer “What the Fuck?” Appeal.

I mean does this have to be explained? Seriously, what the fuck?

A glimpse in to a possible sociopath’s life.

If this is true then Manti Te’o has serious characteristics of a sociopath. The emotion on command, being able to lie, stone-faced, time after time; that takes a special kind of person, spending time in a very weird place, for an extended period of time. People (myself included) are fascinated by stuff like that.

Notre Dame

For some reason their stranglehold on the media lasted long enough for them to sneak in to the National Championship. It’s like the entirety of Notre Dame’s fame has been leading to this moment. Oh, people will watch. People will most definitely watch.

Religion and athletics.

The players that choose to hold themselves up to a higher level by constantly playing up their religious side invite added scrutiny to their lives. You don’t see a player like LeBron James constantly having religion or faith brought up when he’s talked about, but players like T’eo and Tim Tebow love to project this holier than thou image. There is nothing more interesting than when you find out the person you thought you knew is actually the complete opposite.

Whether he was the main perpetrator, the face behind a bigger scam or simply knew about what was going on and didn’t do anything to stop it, there are a lot of questions that need to be answered.

I want to know what the conversation was like before the T’eo family decided to go to Notre Dame administrators.  If it comes out that Te’o knew about everything then I can probably guess how it went.

Manti: “I can’t believe that people found out. Why would anyone research a story like that? Who questions when you tell someone your girlfriend died? Even Coach didn’t think twice about it. He even handed me a game ball for her!”

Mr. Te’o: “I know, son. There is definitely a way we can get out of this. Nobody really believes those Deadspin guys. They just post pictures of aging quarterback’s sad looking dicks. ESPN won’t run with this story because they would be tearing down what the higher ups over there dream of when they sleep hanging upside down from ceiling of their caves – a good, God-fearing Notre Dame boy with an amazing story of perseverance.  Hell, I bet they know about it right now and aren’t even thinking about doing anything with it”

Manti: “Wait, ESPN executives sleep upside down while hanging from the ceiling of a cave?”

Mr. Te’o: “Of course, son. ESPN executives are blood sucking creatures of the dark. Where else would they sleep?”

Manti: “That’s true. I never thought of it that way… so what are we going to do about this?”

Mr. Te’o: “We need to talk to the administrators at ND and Coach Kelly.”

Manti: “But they won’t support me. I mean this is pretty messed up, dad.”

Mr. Te’o: “Of course it’s messed up. You knowingly fabricated a lie to exploited your reputation. And that, my dear boy, is exactly how we are going to convince Notre Dame officials  and the world, that you were duped in an elaborate hoax the likes of which nobody could ever imagine.”

Manti: “Why would they believe that?”

Mr. Te’o: “Because you’re a good Mormon boy who has never done anything wrong. You have the unwavering trust of your coaches and administrators, an entire boatload of Notre Dame apologists in influential positions and don’t forget the legions of sports writers and reporters who suddenly have a lot of questions to answer about doing their due diligence. Nobody hates being wrong more than an sportswriter with an inflated sense of self worth.”

Manti: “I don’t know, dad. There are so many holes. Like why did I say that I met her, that we met her, when that’s not true at all? How are we going to cover that up? What about the fact that picture in her Twitter profile is another girl? Won’t that girl have something to say about all of this? I mean for the love of Joseph Smith I’m a starting linebacker at Notre Dame, why in the world would I carry on an online relationship for three years when I can walk in to a party and literally just point at a girl? And don’t you think that I would go and see her at least once between her life threatening car accident and subsequent battle with leukemia?”

Mr. Te’o: “Shit… you’re right. I’m sorry kid, but you’re screwed. If we’ve learned anything from Lance Armstrong, Joe Paterno, Barry Bonds, it’s that you to have deny, deny, deny.”

Manti: “Don’t those cases just illustrate that you should just come out right away and admit guilt? I think if you look at a case like Rick Pitino’s, where he just came right out and basically said – and I’m paraphrasing here – “Yes, I had my buddy shut the restaurant down and then I banged her all over the place.” I think people didn’t hold on to the story for as long because he admitted guilt right away. It’s when one lie leads to another, and the lies pile up until they literally become you, that’s when these things get out of control. I can’t have this in the back of my mind with the National Championship coming up. I’m going to lose my concentration for a second and Eddie Lacy is going to run over me like a fucking bull. I don’t want to drop in the draft.”

Mr. Te’o: “Don’t want to drop in the draft? DON’T WANT TO DROP IN THE DRAFT?! If you admit guilt that’s the only thing you’re going to do. At least if you say you were fooled we can play that off until you sign with a team. As long as there is still plausible deniability then there will be a team willing to take an early chance on you. Once your contract is signed and you’re all squared away we can do a big book deal or one of those tell all interviews with Bob Costas. Hell, maybe we even see what the bloated old bag Oprah is up to. She wouldn’t ask any tough questions and next thing you know you’re coming out as the victim. I’m telling you this can work.”

Manti: “Ok, dad. You’re right – I can’t have my draft stock drop when we’ve put so much time, effort and lies in to it. Let’s get our stories straight.” 

I can almost picture that entire scene in my head. The only thing about this ridiculous story that I can’t picture is that for three years an All American linebacker was duped by a girl that he never met. Or wait, he met her once. No, no she used to go visit him in Hawaii. Shit, I can’t keep up.

If you find yourself with a comfortable lead and feel you can deal with giving up a bench spot, then there is some serious talent out there right now dealing with injury issues (Kevin Love, Anderson Varejao, Andrew Bynum, Raymond Felton) and they could be a serious boost come playoff time.

But if you find yourself scratching and clawing to get to the promised land, then these players could help you out now.

Jared Sullinger – How you get all that in them shorts? Seriously, I’m obsessed with Jared Sullinger’s ass, and not in a gay way (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Sullinger’s lower half is the reason he’s able to get such great positioning and in turn haul in so many rebounds and get all those easy baskets. Now if he could only stop fouling at a rate that would make Darryl Dawkins blush then we might really start getting somewhere. The most important thing for Sully (yeah that’s right), and the Celtics is that his back problems appear to be a thing of the past and he’s starting to show why he was considered a top-five talent.

Al-Farouq Aminu – The guy sounds like he’s the head of a terrorist cell, so it makes sense that he’s been terrorizing the boards over the last five games (zing!). Awful jokes aside, if you’re looking for rebounds, steals and blocks then Aminu is your man. If consistent scoring is something you desire then you should probably look elsewhere, but he’s not going to hurt your FG % because he doesn’t shoot nearly enough.

Earl Clark/Antawn Jamison – When Gasol eventually returns one of these two is going to take a serious hit in value. Reason would tell you that the odd man out would be Earl Clark, but Antawn “Don’t Call Me Antoine” Jamison doesn’t get along with D’Antoni. Also, Clark has been playing better than Jamison and crashes the boards like a true big man. This is a situation worth monitoring because there will be a very servicable player that emerges from the rubble. As of now it appears that player will be Clark.

Wilson Chandler – Why did he want to re-sign with Denver? That team is seemingly comprised entirely of wing players and while Chandler has talent, getting minutes that would make him anything more than a streaming option will be hard to come by. Still, you could do a lot worse for a one day stream than a 6’8” player that can play inside and out. He’s also got an amazing neck tattoo.

Tyler Zeller – There should be a ton of production here. Zeller is a big kid with a firm grasp on the starting job now that Varejao will be out until March. Only the big time production isn’t there. He will have some double-doubles here and there, but so will any big man who gets starter’s minutes. If you find yourself in need of replacement for Varejao or Love then Zeller can be your man. Just don’t expect anything other than remarkably average production.

Emeka Okafor – Very quietly over the last month, Okafor has almost averaged a double double (9.4 ppg, 10.2 rpg), and even though he’s not blocking shots like he used to he’s still averaging over one a game. I wrote about him last time so I won’t bore you with any more details, just listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth!

Amir Johnson – Apparently he’s playing on one ankle but still – listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth! Since shitting the bed the game after I wrote about him, Johnson has been going koo koo bananas for the Raptors. Add him now before somebody else does, or his ankle falls off.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Free Rodney Stuckey!

That’s just the way it is now – everything is “Power Ranked.” Movies, TV shows, music, teams, players, vacation destinations, women, People of the Year in Time Magazine (they did a top 5), Christmas gifts, your children. They all get put in a nice list, and we’re supposed to figure out what exactly the basis is for these rankings, what they’re supposed to mean and why we should care.

I have no answers for you. I don’t really know what a Power Ranking is. If the Patriots are at the top of a Power Ranking list, does that mean that they are predicted to win the Super Bowl or are playing better than anybody else at that particular moment? Or does it mean they’ve made the most progress since the start of the year? Beats the shit out of me. But I still read them.

And so do you (and so does your grandmother, as we covered above). So without further ado, I present to you the playoff QB/relevant QB/all QB’s who are somehow tied to something that has happened in the past two weeks Power Rankings. We’ve had one week of NFL playoff games, the college national championship game and another week of NFL games on the horizon.

If you disagree, well, you’ve probably got a valid point.

19. Kirk Cousins

What was going through poor Kirk’s mind last week when RGIII was limping around the field like his leg was in need of amputation? Did Cousins go and stand by Mike Shanahan and keep loudly clearing his throat? The poor guy played well when he was called on in relief this season, yet couldn’t get a sniff in a playoff game even though the starting quarterback could barely stand and the offense was completely stagnant. I’m convinced that RGIII could have been wounded by a sniper in the crowd and Cousins still wouldn’t have been allowed in the game.

18. Robert Griffin III 

RGIII tried to be a warrior, and I respect the hell out of him for that, but he physically couldn’t move. Then, with six minutes to play and the Redskins clearly not going to win the game, his foot got caught up in the turf-like substance that was covering FedEx field and he tore his ACL and LCL (whatever that is). I’m sure he’ll take some Adrian Peterson drugs to get himself back early next season, but that was kind of a tough way to end the year for him, no? He lost to fellow rookie Russell Wilson in his first playoff game, was ineffective, avoided Dr. James Andrews like he was Rob Parker and then tore a bunch of tendons in his knee.

17. Everett Golson

Poor Everett. He was put in a bad spot during Monday’s national championship game against Alabama. Tom Brady couldn’t have won that game for Notre Dame, and Everett Golson is no Tom Brady. Every time Golson started scrambling I began cringing because I expected some oversized, roided-out freak of an Alabama linebacker to come flying in with 4.3-40 speed and actually decapitate Golson. Thankfully, Golson’s head is still connected to his body.

16. Andy Dalton

Andy Dalton’s nickname is the “Red Rocket.” When a dog gets aroused and becomes erect, the nickname for its penis is the “Red Rocket.” Therefore, Andy Dalton’s new nickname should be “Dog Boner,” and I don’t think it should be up for debate. Dalton certainly played like a Dog Boner in the Bengals’ loss to Houston last week.

15. Christian Ponder

Maybe I’m just out of touch, but I didn’t even know Ponder was QUESTIONABLE for the playoff game against the Vikings until like three hours before kickoff. How does a guy go from having a minor injury that is barely reported on during the week to not playing a first-round playoff game against the Vikings? I realize that Ponder, in only his second year, is already on the short list for worst quarterbacks in NFL history, but Ponder sitting out pretty much took away any chance the Vikings had at winning. Hopefully Samantha Steele leaves him immediately.

14. Joe Webb

He might be even worse than Ponder, but at least he wasn’t mysteriously ruled out minutes before a playoff game. Long live Joe Webb.

13. Matt Flynn

Here’s a question – when Matt Flynn sees Russell Wilson succeeding and the Seahawks being in the Divisional Round of the playoffs, does he regret signing there or does he not really give a shit because he’s being paid $30 million to never play a snap, ever. It’s not like he was playing before in Green Bay, so basically he just moved from one cold, depressing city to another cold, depressing city and got paid a bunch of money to do it. He’s probably lukewarm on the whole thing.

12. Alex Smith

See: Matt Flynn. Except Smith is probably better than Flynn, and a little more angry because he was benched while having one of the best seasons of any QB in the league. It must be his small, carny hands. Maybe he shouldn’t have waited until his seventh year in the league to become productive, you know?

11. Matt Schaub

You should be ashamed, Matt Schaub. The only reason you’re in the in the top 10 on this list is because your team is still alive in the playoffs. If you had lost to the Bengals, I would have dropped you off this list entirely just on principle. I have never seen a quarterback look more relieved – not happy – to win a game than Schaub after that Bengals game. It was like he had just tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge only to realize that he didn’t want to die halfway through the fall, and then wound up just breaking an arm.

That’s how bad you are, Matt Schaub.

10. Kirk Herbstreit

Everyone who watches college football knows that Kirk Herbstreit is actually very good on television and knows what he’s talking about, but his strange chuckling while Brent Musburger masturbated in the booth over A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend was a crime in itself. Herbstreit is guilty in the same way that the Seinfield characters were guilty in the last episode of the show. They saw something bad happening, yet did nothing. Herby, I like you pal, but we were all uncomfortable on Monday night.

9. Andrew Luck

Luck actually played okay against Baltimore over the weekend, and the stats reflect it (288 yards passing), but he couldn’t move his team at all once they got into Ravens’ territory. The results was a cool nine points and a playoff loss. He certainly deserved to lose that game because he steadfastly refuses to shave his neck beard or stop talking like he’s doing a Kermit The Frog impression, but he looked pretty good under pressure.

8. Colin Kaepernick

Much like Luck, it’s hard to enjoy Kaepernick’s work on the field if you ever hear him speak even a single word. He also sounds like he’s doing an imitation of somebody, although his imitation is less Kermit The Frog and more Lil Wayne, but it’s still terrible. Luckily, he doesn’t have small, carny hands like Alex Smith and he can run like a gazelle. The 49ers are much more likely to beat the Packers this weekend with Kaepernick playing then they would be if Smith was on the field, so that’s one feather in his cap.

7. Matt Ryan

Ryan is the leader of a team that is favored to go to the NFC Championship Game, so he must be doing something on the right. On the other hand, he’s never won a playoff game, his nickname (Matt Ice) comes across ironically like one of those enormous guys who go by “Tiny” and his team is only 2.5-point favorites over the Seahawks, a team that went 3-5 on the road this year. If he wins, he’ll go a long way towards establishing himself as one of the upper-echelon quarterbacks.

6. Joe Flacco

I’m borderline physically ill because I was forced to put Flacco this high up on the list, but what else could I do? The man has won five playoff games in the past five years, his team has a puncher’s chance this weekend in Denver and he only played mildly bad last week. Am I expecting him to throw a minimum of two interceptions returned for touchdowns this week? Yes. Am I expecting him to then definitely yell at the media about how he’s an elite quarterback and doesn’t get the credit he deserves? You bet.

I’m torn between rooting for the Ravens so the Patriots can potentially host the AFC Championship Game and rooting against the Ravens so I don’t have to listen to Flacco self-promote himself over the next week while John Harbaugh stares at every reporter in the room and proclaims that “Joe Flacco COMPETES!”

5. Russell Wilson

That said, Russell Wilson does COMPETE. He’s gone from being a slightly over-matched game manager who could do enough not to lose the game to becoming an actual weapon and the only rookie quarterback left standing in a season that was defined by the emergence of rookie quarterbacks. He throws well, he runs well, he doesn’t make mistakes and the team clearly plays hard for him.

Yet…all my friends this he’s a geek. Is Russell Wilson a nerd and I just never noticed it because I have an irrational man crush on him? It’s possible, and it’s going to break my heart if that’s true. Nerd or not, though, the man’s a winner, and he also rocks a pair of Levi’s better than any man this side of Brett Favre.

4. A.J. McCarron

Let’s see, how to best summarize McCarron’s situation…

Okay, I got it. He’s won the last two national championships playing for the most storied college football program ever, he’s coming back to school for his senior year at a school where he’s revered as a God and his team is the Vegas favorite to win another championship, his girlfriend is Miss Alabama and so hot that Brent Musburger nearly fainted while speaking about her during the national championship telecast and he’s going to end up in the NFL. A.J. McCarron is doing alright.

3. Aaron Rodgers

He didn’t play perfectly against the Vikings, but the defending MVP played well enough to show why he might be the best quarterback in the game. His team won, and he’s the biggest reason the 49ers are scared of losing this weekend. Rodgers is officially back to being the scariest player in the NFL, which is saying something considering these next two guys aren’t too bad.

2. Tom Brady

He’d be No. 1 on this list, but the Pats are the No. 2 seed and he just had a kid. There’s no way he’s sleeping through the night. Plus, he’s not going to win the MVP because of a couple mediocre performances in the middle of the season, and he’s still modeling Ugg boots. On the plus side, he’s been almost as good this season as any point during his career, and he should lead the Pats to the AFC Championship game for the seventh time in his 11 years as starter with a win over Houston on Sunday.

Do you realize how twisted that is? Brady on the verge of being in the AFC Championship Game 64-percent of the time during his career. If the Pats reach the Super Bowl, he’ll have made it that far in six of 11 seasons. That’s even more twisted.

1. Peyton Manning

He’s going to win the MVP (unless Adrian Peterson swoops in and steals it), and he deserves it. His team has won 11 straight games, he’s buying up Papa John’s franchises like he needs them to stay alive and the Broncos are the No. 1 seed in the NFL and the Vegas favorites to win the Super Bowl.

Not bad for a 36-year-old coming off a bunch of neck surgeries.

Move over Noel Devine!

Don’t feel misled by the title – this is the best recruiting video of all time.

Right from the get go you’re thinking that he’s going to light somebody up on the kickoff coverage. Instead he gets blocked out of the way – by his own teammate. It’s amazing stuff. The whole video is just a series of Ryan Potter performing mundane tasks on the football field all while Roy Jones Jr. blares in the background about not being able to be stopped, or touched.

That’s something that goes way to far under the radar, Roy Jones tried to have a serious rap career. He even had his own record label and rap camp called the “Body Head Bangerz.” You can’t make either of these things up. I would say that about half of all high school recruiting tapes that should have never been made feature this song in them.

Ryan didn’t even take the time to edit out the copious amounts of swears and racial slurs generously sprinkled throughout the song. He probably figured people would be too transfixed by his performance to even notice that music was actually playing to begin in the first place.

Most of the plays he doesn’t even effect at all, but he still uses a John Madden like arrow to point himself out right before he celebrates. So if you waited to read this post before watching the video then make sure to “get your popcorn ready, because the show is about to start.” And that is not only a quote from Terrell Owens, but is actually on the cover page of this video.

Like I said, you can’t make this stuff up.

Video from Deadspin