Ignore the crazy colors; I’m typing this on an iPad and I just noticed that the blocks can specify background colors and text. Pretty nifty.

What’s new with me? Well, I’m still actively making my own skin care products! As a matter of fact, I’ve just finished preparing a batch that should last me ~ 3 months (2 lbs worth of product). It feels pretty cool to “make” things with my own hands. For some reason, I’ve always considered myself ‘not a maker’ or ‘not creative’ but here I am, making things.

On the work front, things are busy (shocker). Since my promotion to E5, the stakes have been raised higher and I’m terrified of letting myself down and my manager down. I don’t think I’ve had anyone believe in me like my manager does (Matt and family don’t count ) and I badly want to step my game up. I need to not let my fear of failure sabotage this new phase of my life and I’ll do my best. Lots of interviewing! My company strongly believes that its employees should be involved in the hiring process and it’s an incredibly powerful opportunity to ensure we’re hiring for the people that we believe will have impact at the company.

On the personal front, I switched from the Android ecosystem to Apple and I’m sad to report that the rumors of things “just working” ™ are true. I’ve gone all in because of how smooth sailing the transition from Android to iOS (Apple) has been. The hardware and the ecosystem is just unbeatable. In other words, Apple has “hits that stick like grits”! So far, I’ve used part of my windfall this year to purchase a iPhone, iPad, Apple Watch, and a variety of services. I also anticipate and am excited about dabbling into iOS development given how frustrating Android development has felt. Granted, it’s been YEARs since I’ve tried to develop on Android but I’m just ready for a new thing. Plus, I’m ready for a new hobby. I haven’t actively worked on new tech related hobbies and I’m finally ready to get back into it.

On the health front, Utah has been covered in smoke from the wildfires. My activity tanked and so did my mood. I can feel depression creeping back up but no fear, I know what I need to do to get out of that funk – aggressive TLC and therapy. My company via Modern Health offers 10 free therapy sessions which is pretty good and I’m gonna take advantage of it.

On the financial front, thanks to the windfall, I hit a personal milestone ahead of schedule and I don’t feel so panicked about retirement as much. I don’t aspire to be filthy rich and I don’t have hedonistic tendencies so my goal with retirement is to be free to purchase things that I care about without worrying about money. If I keep growing my career and preserve my modest spending habits, I’ll have no trouble attaining this goal.

I’ll be fine. The silver lining here is that the feedback which has me in my feelings is actionable. I can work with that.

For the second time ever, I rated myself as a high performer and my employer agreed! I also had the added bonus of earning a promotion which was a wonderful cherry on top for me. It comes with a pretty decent raise which puts me in the range for E5 engineers on levels.fyi

This new role requires an additional set of skills that I am still working on but I’m incredibly excited. My manager is in my corner and I cannot express how this promo would not have happened without here. Thank you, Z.

I have Ella and Mila & Olive and June in rotation and the latter is winning out. Check out my nails!

I’ll start off with some good news: I got a raise! It caps off a pretty rough year but one where I never stopped giving my best. I really love where I work and I am looking forward to another year!

Grateful that I am getting more financially stable as I’ve gotten older. I’m behind the retirement 8-ball still but no longer by a lot. I can absorb unexpected bills and put things on autopay. I feel very fortunate and blessed to be able to satisfy most of my needs.

Grateful for my body. I went through a dark phase of not caring about her and this year saw me wake up out of my stupor and start paying more attention. I’m not any skinnier but I’m hardier and can hike 20 miles on a dime. I shit you not.

At first, I felt weirded out by this and even more weirded out by our practice of having peer reviews! I was filled with anxiety around what people would think of me and of going through a judgement cycle.

I have now gone through this process about 3 times now and I can confidently say that my fears about it being a judgement cycle were unfounded. Rather than fear the thoughts of my peers, I found that I’ve become excited and keen to learn what people think about me! Not just the good parts but the parts that I could use some growing on too. Furthermore, I look at mid year reviews as an opportunity to take a bit of break and truly reflect on exactly what your hustle and bustle achieved.

Engaging in this review process requires brutal honesty with oneself and a willingness to hear the good and the bad. I’m a constant work in progress but I continue to be thrilled with my progress in the arena of confronting my fears.

Earlier this year, my employer got acquired and the closing hasn’t officially happened yet. It’s so close yet so far and it’s blowing my mind a little bit that if/when it goes through, I’ll have a small windfall coming my way. I feel incredibly fortunate and said windfall is also very timely. I’ve been working with my siblings back home to spruce up our family and any extra funds I can spare will go a long way. Here’s hoping for the regulatory gods to provide their stamps of approval. 爛

I bought a scale. Not for weight loss but data tracking. M and I got some Garmin devices (Garmin 45 and 645) to capture all sorts of information (sleep tracking, heart rate, activities, etc). Part of me is quite fascinated that I’m the lightest I’ve been in a while despite objectively consuming more and without me meaning to. I think it’ll be important for me to use the scale to make sure I’m not losing all my muscle. For weight tracking, I bought the Weight Guru scale which is the perfect set-it-and-forget-it scale. All I do is step on it and it syncs my information over to Google Fit and the Weight Guru app! Pretty nifty!

It’s almost midnight now and I’m icing my feet after a 6 mile evening walk. I wouldn’t trade my status right now for anything in the world (except the chance to see my dad again).

The most noteworthy update pertains to my physical activity. For much of 2018, 2019, and the first quarter of 2020, my physical activity was sorely lacking. I barely got a full 30 minutes of exercise daily. Since late April of this year, I’ve now basically averaged over 30 miles weekly (a combination of walking and hiking). For someone who was basically sedentary, it feels equal parts insane and amazing that I’m logging athlete-level mileage. My body and mind feel strong and I am super geeked for the future hikes I’ll be going on.

Given how active I’m becoming, I decided to splurge on a smart watch! I went with the Garmin 645 which has a killer feature I want to call out – live tracking which means when I’m out on a jaunt, I can share my path with anyone! It gives me a sense of safety that can’t be beat. That said, if I lose cell service, which is very likely given the canyons and mountains I like to hike, the live tracking becomes useless and I may consider investing in a satellite communicator. Another cool thing about the smart watch is the various metrics being tracked like my heart rate and fatigue. As I get fitter, my resting heart rate has been (slowly) dropping and I feel like I have a front row seat to my personal transformation. My goal isn’t to be a runner or compete. I just want to have the stamina to hike 20 miles in a day if I so choose. I’m not very far off that goal by the way. The longest walk I’ve been on was a little over 16 miles so I’m keen to see how I progress as the year goes on.

I’d be remiss in not mentioning the riots happening in America. I was affected more strongly than I anticipated and ended up needing some time off work. Thankfully, my employer and manager have been incredibly sensitive to my needs and I feel very fortunate to be part of a company that cares about me personally. This year has been filled with a lot of hurt and I’m grateful that my job isn’t adding to the pile.

Another big thing I’ve been working on is reframing. Reframing is a key tool in DBT therapy which has been helping me tame my emotional storms. In my lay person terms, reframing is about choosing to apply a different lens to a situation. Importantly, the lens you choose to apply when reframing has to be one that “lets you move forward freely… not the one that’s weighed down by your own self-criticism and fear of inadequacy.” It’s an interesting exercise and I feel happier when I employ this technique.

That’s all folks! Lots of sunshine, exercise, and self care.

The quarantine, passing of my father, earthquakes, and work-related stressors all came together to form a perfect storm of triggers that first sent me to dark places I haven’t been since my ill-fated stint at graduate school. I was able to realize that I was drowning and desperately needed help. So, I asked for help. I now have meds to coax my brain to behave and therapy for cultivating the necessary behavioral changes.

To say these two things have been life saving is an understatement. I feel alive again for the first time in a long while and excited about things again. I no longer self-censor as aggressively as I used to and my husband has his vivacious lover back!

Not all the credit belongs to external forces. M has been a big motivating factor and has been my biggest cheerleader through the worst of it. I feel like I have a renewed enthusiasm for life, living, and I can’t believe it. I spent way too long in the grays and I now feel I can see in Technicolor.

Anyway, now I’m rambling. I wanted to brag about something else these changes have wrought: my renewed interest in being outdoors. Since the month of May, I’ve walked or hiked over 90 miles and it’s just barely half over! The best part is I’m putting up these numbers in a completely sustainable way!! Being outdoors also means more pictures so expect some photo posts shortly.

I wasn’t fully present during meditation practice today and wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be. In short, I was frustrated. But my day has ended on a positive note. I confused in M and we went on an abridged lunch walk where I vented. Then, sometime later in the evening, we went on a longer walk where we just talked and moved in silence.

I feel better about my day and proud that I forgave myself for not being at 100%. Some days are just going to be worse or better than others. It’s life.

I attribute my positive change to the following:

• Daily meditation/yoga during the work week. This was an initiative by a co-worker and once I started attending regularly, it helped me feel more connected to my coworkers and part of something larger than myself. It also helped to keep me from doing not-work which, for a high strung personality like myself, is huge!
• Daily exercise in the form of walking outside for at least 40 minutes during my lunch break. I cannot stress enough how important it has been to feel the sun on my skin while walking. Talk about an instant mood lifter! As an African who works a white-collar job, I’m predisposed to not getting enough sunlight and I was definitely on the borderline w.r.t. my vitamin D levels.
• Medication. Getting on my prescription medication has helped me be calmer and more open to possibilities. Before starting, “no” was my frequent answer to M’s insistent asks to accompany him on walks. Now my default mode is “Sure”! I feel more even and it’s made the lessons I’m learning from meditation sink in a bit better.
• Daily affirmations. This is a more recent development but I’ve found that my mood is improved after I repeat and meditate on select affirmations. I have my group’s engineering manager to thank for this but I cannot stress how affirming it feels to be nicer to myself and essentially gas myself up. Being kind to myself is something I’ve started doing a lot more and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

Overall I feel like a new person with a renewed interest in truly living again. I feel like I’m seeing the world and myself with fresh eyes. It’s fascinating.

My anxiety is still there and in fact, I’ve had very vivid dreams lately about some of my big triggers. The good news is I now have tools to de-escalate when I feel a bout of anxiety coming. For processing particularly disturbing dreams, I’ve taken to taking the sting out of them by acknowledging that

• I’m likely blowing the interaction out of proportion. I have a history of seeing things (particularly my work output) in the most critical light possible and I now take the time to affirm that I do know my shit and to err is only human
• It’s okay to be scared and feel the feeling. That I now know what I need to do feel better.

Overall, life has felt amazing despite the scary news in the world. M and I are closer than ever and I feel so blessed to call him my husband. I’m closer with my and his family. I’m opening up more with my coworkers and feeling more confident about sharing my perspectives. I look forward to my continued awakening.

Today, I feel very loved and I’m grateful for a spouse and lover who knows the way to my heart and shows me daily that he loves me.

I am hoping to be able to wait this thing out. I doubt I have the flu or the virus going around but I’m slightly worried.

Work stressors are a recurring theme for M & I. We’re both struggling but still being supportive of each other. There are interesting parallels to our individual situations which is helpful for me to be able observe and adjust _my_ own reactions when I’m in similar situations.

This, too, shall pass.

• Defensive – e.g. thoughts on my end that the issue not being as bad as reported (downplaying the issue) etc
• Primarily Anxiety – negative self talk e.g. how could I be so stupid or how could I not foresee $thing?

I am painfully aware of how harmful my instinctual responses are and lately, I’ve been pushing myself to add a third bullet to the list above: hope(ful). Rather than flagellate myself, I should observe these events as learning opportunities for the larger organization. It’s far easier said than done for a conflict avoidant personality like yours truly but I have to try. I’ll see how this plays out.

I couldn’t cry like I wanted to because the crying would have triggered certain unwanted behaviors from observers. Specifically, when survivors start crying publicly at a traditional burial, it could trigger attendees to attempt to provide comfort by touching/hugging which are actions we were strongly discouraged from engaging in.

This aspect of being back in the village (worrying about who means you well) was the least favorite part of returning home. I fully believe that no one who meant me or my family harm would ever succeed. There were several instances where we got spanners thrown into the works but we (my siblings and I) pulled through admirably. It was eye opening to witness bad behavior from people supposed to be supportive but I was incredibly grateful that we got enough help from other quarters (notably my ma’s sister) to make it through the burial.

I’m back in Lagos for the final stretch of my visit and I’m happily drained. Now the work begins to plan out what life after dad looks like for my mother.

Seeing my siblings stand strong as a family unit is so soothing to my soul. Relatives have also stepped up in major ways for us and I’ll be forever grateful. Truly in Nigeria, it takes a village to raise a child and a village to lay one to rest. Rest way, dad.

Excited (seeing family)

Scared (expectations and fear of getting judged)

Sorrow (that this visit will be missing one very key person, my father). Dad, I can’t believe you’re gone. I can’t believe you won’t be there to welcome me home and ply me with peanuts. I’m just so sad that you’re gone. I want to rage against the world. Why you? Why did it have to be you? Why now?

I’m excited to see the rest of my family again and I will hug everyone a little tighter. My in-laws have been amazingly supportive especially in trying to be culturally sensitive to Nigerian grieving rituals and I remain incredibly thankful that I married into M’s family.

On the work front, things have been in so much flux that it makes my head spin. We’ve had several departures and most recently, have announced that we’ve gotten acquired by a pretty big name.

All in all, I’m getting a message from the universe that 2020 will be a year of flux. The question now is how I can harness this chaotic energy in a way that helps me stay true to myself.

I started a new job, traveled more than I ever have in the past 4 years, developed some negative behaviors in response to stress, and capped the year with the loss of my father.

I’m implementing some strategies this year to take back my life and heal. Starting with regular physical exercise! I’ve been phrasing this as building a habit and choosing to refer to this as just a habit is helping me view my workouts in a more positive light.

Planning for the funeral is underway and expectedly, it will mean a not insignificant amount of money will be spent by me. Rather than bemoan the unexpected expense, I’m incredibly grateful that I can absorb the hit without jeopardizing my future.

Anyway, so far so good.

I am ending the year on a note I never imagined – the loss of a parent.

It doesn’t feel real and my grief feels overwhelming when I have the courage to examine it.

I don’t understand why he had to go.

1. I’d like to be more mindful of the impression I leave on my cohort/coworkers. I now realize that even when I was happy burning the midnight oil on development tasks, the optics of an engineer doing this regularly don’t look good (on me and could serve to unwittingly intimidate others & foster an unwanted culture of working long hours)
2. I’d like to go into 1-on-1 meetings with my manager with intent. I have a tendency to lean away from having tough discussions and it’s very easy for a 1-on-1 to morph into a status update of tasks or simply just a fun catch up. 1-on-1 meetings serve very important goals for a software engineer and the engineering manager e.g. discussing performance milestones, bringing up concerns, planning out careers, etc. With my new engagement, it is my intention that I will go into 1-on-1’s with action items and follow up on those items in subsequent 1-on-1s.
3. I’d like to stretch out of my comfort zone by volunteering for tasks. By virtue of joining this new company, I am already putting myself out of my comfort zone (different tech stack). I’ve been known to say that I “shy away from the limelight” but I fear that this may have accidentally prevented opportunities for growth from coming my way or perhaps inadvertently made me get overlooked for things like promotions (who knows?!) I now realize what I really meant was that I did not want to fail publicly (thanking Brene Brown for that realization). At my next engagement, I will practice saying “yes” more and thoroughly interrogate my reasons before saying “no”.
4. When dealing with actions/behaviors that impact me negatively, I will choose to initiate difficult conversations and not remain silent. In general, it’s always a good thing to not suffer in silence. As I continue to introspect on why I’m leaving, I realize this was one contributor to my feelings of alienation. What taking action on this looks like would be displaying vulnerability in sharing my experiences with my manager in 1-on-1s and hopefully getting actionable advice in return!

I’m at peace and I feel like I have another take in this movie. I’m ready to rumble.

New company is still based in my area of residence so my commute does not significantly change (yay!). The tech stack is a major change and I’ll be coming into it as a “newbie” which I’m very excited about. It’ll expand my skill set and working at this new company will expose me to additional best practices e.g. faster/robust CI/CD pipelines, advanced metrics/logging/tracing of code in production,  streamlined on-boarding processes, and so on.

I’m leaving a pretty secure/sure thing for the unknown which fills with me with nerves and excitement. I know that I will thrive wherever I am because I’m scrappy! I’m not leaving on bad terms thankfully and the door is always open to my return if things don’t work out; I obviously don’t plan to fail! I’m taking a step “back” in a few areas (losing bonus pay, 401k match, etc) but negotiated compensation & startup-y perks make up for the shortcomings. I probably left money on the table again (ugh) but not enough to make me lose sleep. Live and learn, then negotiate “like a man”. My goal at the new company will be to exceed expectations during my time at new company, garner respectable raises (5% – 8%) and maybe a promotion (stretch goal!).

This switch made me do a lot of thinking about what I want my career to look like and that’s fodder for another blog post. Until then, adieu!

#secretthing is not so secret anymore. I feel a mix of relief and sadness; once enough time passes, I may write about it. Wicked Game (by Chris Isaak, covered by Annaca) has grabbed hold of me anew and part of me feels this song applies to the ongoings. If it’s not clear, I’ve been in my feelings lately but it’s not a bad thing!  Here’s to writing new chapters!