Failure to Detect Sarcasm

You Need More Spartan

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 04 Jun 2016 01:43:00 +0000

So.

It's been a while since I posted it's been a while since I posted.

Quick one.

I still like to run and stuff. It's good to have consistency.
My running primarily consists of running TO things.
Tomorrow, I'm expecting to knock an item off of my bucket list - Running to Sonic!
A mere 11 miles. I thought it was further away.

Between now and then though, I have to do my standard dad stuff.
Wash the dishes.
Laundry.

Wake up early. Set things up at the kids' baseball & soccer fields. Early.
Run a 5K with my son.
Cheer at my daughter's softball game.
Garden stuff.
Then run!
(Then group trip to Reading Phillies game.)

Washing dishes by hand is my preference unless things fall really far behind.
It gives me a chance to listen to podcasts.

One of my favorites is Spartan Up!
I have listened to every episode and always look forward to the latest release.

I keep my eye out for Joe Desena's exploits.
I read his book.
I follow Spartan Race on Facebook.

And I've watched a video describing their Agoge.
It fits in very well with my desire to take a vacation in the next few years and attend a wilderness survival camp.

What's up next for Joe?
A new book!
Spartan Fit!
30 Days. Transform Your Mind. Transform Your Body. Commit to Grit. No Gym Required.

I'll be publishing a pre-release book review in the next few weeks.
Once I'm done reading my math book.

How can you benefit?
Try to win a free code for a Spartan race which I will award tomorrow!

How can you enter the giveaway?
Leave a comment, email, call, text or tap me on the shoulder.
I will choose a winner at random :-)

Good luck!

Passing Exam 70-533: Implementing Microsoft Azure Infrastructure Solutions

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 02:04:00 +0000

It's been a while since I took an MS cert test. A while.

However, it looked like Azure was going to be a fun addition to our next MS renewal so I figured I would dig in well in advance to see how it worked and what to do with it.

I wasn't sure where to start and then 2 things fell in my lap.
1. The 4 day Azure IaaS for IT Pros Online Event.

Well, it was 4 half-days. It looked like a great introductory lesson on Azure IaaS.
Since I enjoy server support, this was a logical overview for me (versus straight Dev stuff).
And the sessions focused on a few things outside of my comfort zone like Puppet, Chef, and Docker.
Cool intro! The event is free online. About 16 hours of content, held December 1 - 4, 2014.
I found it to be a great, general overview. They did in-depth demos but so much info in such a short amount of time, coupled with my lack of background and my insane attempts to WRITE NOTES during the sessions - wow. Overload.

OK, the other thing.
2. A free voucher for MS Exam 70-533 Implementing Microsoft Azure Infrastructure Solutions.
($150 value)

I jumped right on that voucher and then discovered serious constraints.
Voucher had to be REDEEMED by DEC 19, 2014 - a few weeks after I got the voucher. No biggie.

Exam had to be SCHEDULED/TAKEN by DEC 31, 2014. Biggie!

And if that weren't enough, it was only available through Prometric and when I redeemed the voucher (on DEC 19) and went to schedule the exam - all of the nearby local testing centers lacked the exam on their schedule. The available exam centers (and I wanted to take the test by DEC 29, not the 30th/31st because of potential holiday conflicts) were all really far away. Like 90+ miles away.

So. I scheduled the test for Baltimore. About 90 miles away.
I have twice run 93 miles in a single day. I shouldn't bitch about the distance via car :-)

That basically gave me just over a week to study/prepare for the exam.
And it was real! I was taking an MS CERT!

Step 1 - Take off work for exam - test was at 9AM on Monday, Dec 29th.
With that out of the way, I set about to study. We'll call that Step 2 of 2.
Study. I'm not calling it cramming because:
a) I had 9 or 10 days depending on how you look at it.
b) It was near XMAS so I had a few days off work.
c) As it turned out, I really didn't have much time to study on the actual day before the test.
d) I didn't hit up any cramming materials. This was hard core studying.

Of the test, I will say that it was difficult, but I cruised through it.
Enough to go back & check all of my answers.
Enough to go back & provide comments to MS on all of the confusing/gotcha questions that I felt could be improved.

I won't be providing any info as far as what was on the test - just the materials I used to prepare.
Plenty of questions kicked my butt.
And quite a few questions made me go blank - stuff I had never seen before in my life.

It does pay to be a good test taker, with all of the tricks and strategies you may have picked up in school.

While listing the prep materials I used, I must emphasize the following lacking prep materials.
1. No formal class. I had no interest in paying for (or having my employer pay for, or using MS training vouchers for) the MS 5-day prep course. They usually cost something outrageous like $3,500. That said, the stuff they cover is pretty awesome. The course outline also highlights another crazy part of an Azure cert - the capabilities of Azure are increasing daily! How can you know what will be on the test? Use the damn thing!
And keep reading materials right up to the exam date.

For example, some materials I read said, "You cannot do internal load balancing in Azure."
Well guess what - you can! But as you can imagine with the interweb, not all materials get updated as features change. I will say that MS appears to frequently update their sites with the latest.

2. No formal class. And. No book.
Just kidding. There is an MS exam prep book.
Wait, what does pre-order mean? March 19, 2015?
Guess that means NO BOOK. And I really really like the MS press books.

3. No cramming assistance. Honestly, the whole damn world is full of fakes. And it is incredulous to me that in 2014 (close enough to 2015) - brain dumps (not a link to a brain dump...) and exam crams still proliferate.
I am the type of person that doesn't read the back cover of a book. Or the stuff inside the jacket. Author's notes, etc. I hate having the reading experience spoiled.
Same with certs. You work your butt off prepping only to find an exam cram is dishing up questions/answers straight from the test? People suck.

With all of that said, I passed Exam 70-533 using the following materials. In about the following order.
I could probably copy/paste my browser history to give you the full path of my studying but I clicked and read so many links you'd think I was a complete nut.

1. Azure IaaS 4 -day. Set aside 16 hours and do it.
2. Azure Free Trial. It's free. Do it.
You get 30 days or $200. And if you exhaust either one. Sign up for another free trial with a different email address. That simple.
You can make the free trial stick by creating a cloud service that matters in your life.
I built a Minecraft server for my kids that will be around long after the free trial expires.
(I didn't actually follow that link, or watch the whole thing, but I really wanted to.)

The free trial lets you build all kinds of Azure cloud resources, stuff you normally wouldn't care about or have never heard of. And better than that, you can drill down on all of those resources within the management portal and see the available settings and options, and play with those, too.

3. A guy's blog with links to MS articles for the 70-533 measured skills.
I admit, I kinda screwed this one up. I followed Sandbu's blog like it was the bible, even though it was missing a bunch of links.
What did this mean for my studying work-flow? Well - every time I clicked a link to a topic, for example configuring auto-scale for websites, I would click all of the associated links within the material. That was an exhaustive way to cover the topic from top to bottom.

4. An awesome YouTube series.
I NEEDED video. I was falling asleep, quite literally, reading all of this stuff.
(I would later fall asleep just the same while watching the material...)

And here it is, this 8 part series. (Part 1 of 8 linked here)

I have NO IDEA where this "boot camp" session came from. But it is fucking awesome.
Yes, I fell asleep watching it on a tablet.
So, I streamed it through YouTube on the XBOX on the wide screen. And fell asleep.

But, it was great. Great demos. Great info. Fast paced!
Set aside about 6 hours on a Sunday while your family goes to Hershey World.
And watch the 8 part series.

You've got a guy on there who invented Azure PowerShell. And the other presenter is a kick-ass developer. Sweet video presentation.

And that was pretty much it as far as video-based prep.
I watched a few forgettable, "Intro to Azure" YouTube videos while I washed the dishes over the week leading up to the exam, although I'm sure they gave me a better, general Azure background.

5. Use the damn thing. The Azure portal (and the newer, prettier, confusingier Preview Portal) is fine and good but I also got Microsoft Azure PowerShell working on my Win7 laptop and ran through a few things like creating websites and tearing them down via PowerShell cmdlets.
(I failed to get xplat-cli working on my linux laptop. But I didn't try very hard.)

Then, the day before the exam, with the limited time I had remaining, I hit the books one final time for about 3-4 hours.
Half of it on my Droid while my wife drove us to Baltimore to stay the night before the test.

6. Remember #3 above? Well here are two more awesomely complete blogs I discovered late in the game with full links to the exam's measured skills. I blasted through these because I was up to par with most of the material.

a. Anders Eide Blog - Much like Sandbu's blog but he filled in all of the blanks and gives info on newer Azure capabilities.
b. AzureMan.com's Blog - Again like Sandbu's blog but with blanks filled in. However I'm pretty sure this site had a frustrating amount of dead or malformed links.

As I said, finding these resources was pretty late in the game for me. That's mostly because I was blinded with satisfaction upon finding the first blog with links to the materials as explained by MS.

AzureMan recommends the Microsoft Virtual Academy. I only used it for the Azure IaaS 4 day.
Day to day, I really don't like the MVA. Not sure why.

7. After reviewing all of that other stuff - you're pretty much a pro.
So why not go back through Azure 101?

This granddaddy of links, after your brain is already swimming in Azure, helps you understand how everything fits together. The link is simple, yet powerful. Maybe you missed something basic yet critical within all of the technical mumbo jumbo. This link might give you clarity.

8. Two last bits.
I wanted to double-check VM & Cloud Service sizing differences though my brain struggles to remember the differences.
And while I love command-line, scripting AND automation - I am not at the level with PowerShell that I am capable of. More so for statistical analysis reasons than actually memorizing PowerShell commands, I ran through this Azure PowerShell cmdlets list one last time before walking into the exam.
I was only concerned about the list. Not the nitty gritty.
And when I say statistical analysis I mean like: There are relatively few Add-, Start- and Stop- cmdlets.
Versus the boatload of cmdlets for Get-, Set-, New-, and Remove-.

That's it, I feel that MS gives you plenty of time for the actual exam questions.
I did sit longer than I wished.
Against my better judgement I ran through the "How to use an exam computer tutorial" at the outset. And while I did score a 100% on the fake Earth-Science quiz, it burned 5 minutes of my life.

As mentioned, I double-checked all of my answers.
I can be impulsive on the first-pass-through on tests. I never leave a question unanswered.
It was nice to have the patience on this day to go back and review.

And that three-second feeling of accomplishment when the exam flashed up "You passed! You needed 700 and you scored 760!"
Super awesome.

So if I can do that successful prep in such little time - I know you can do it,too, if you plan your resources properly.

Want the full "Failure to Detect Sarcasm" experience though?
Do you?

OK.
Last minute - book a hotel the night before the exam. Drive ~2 hours to Baltimore.
Decide to eat at Hard Rock Cafe. Have daughter fall ill with a stomach virus as soon as you exit the hotel room.
Return quickly after dinner and end up carrying a handful of daughter's vomit into the room. Then take half of the bath towels out of the room to clean the hallway by the elevators.
THEN share a bed with her, awake almost all night, as she dry heaved. Poor kid.
Bump alarm clock back way too late to TRY to catch some Zzzz's.
Scramble to shower and get out the door, leaving no time for complimentary breakfast and much-needed Coffee. Grab a banana.
Oh that's right. I planned to jog the 2.5 miles to the exam center in an unfamiliar city. In the winter, in shorts/t-shirt. Couldn't find my jacket.
GPS on phone flakes out, critical traffic circle leads to a dead-end. But end up arriving 30 minutes early after ~20min jog to exam center. Eat banana, drink water, get trapped on elevator trying to get to the doomed 13th floor. But walk in the Prometric doors with 20 minutes to spare and knock out the test.
:-)

Then jog 2.5 miles to the National Aquarium to meet the family and, well - pretty much like the night before ;-)

Floating

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 24 May 2014 22:41:00 +0000

Tried to run in a thunderstorm last night but it quickly blew over.
Then the sky delivered a rainbow that looked fake, like a kid and Crayola production.

Different with this run was my lack of a route.
I always know exactly where I am going.

My normal Friday night run ends at the pizza shop for dinner with the family.

But I got out the door very late, favoring laundry and household chores over a run during rush hour.
I love running against traffic in rush hour.

So without a route, I kept adding on.
I normally do that when I run in snow storms because I just don't want the run to end.
I only got to see the rainbow because I decided I wanted to run up the biggest hill in the area and had to backtrack through a local park.

Night began to fall quickly as I was pushing the 8:30PM guaranteed darkness.

During the last quarter mile, I didn't notice right away but I was floating.
Not saying that running was easy.

But I felt my mind hovering a few feet over my body watching my run from a higher vantage point.
My body was still going but I was removed from the pain.
(My knee has been hurting all week - I think because some tough guy at softball slid into me at 2nd base.)

This feeling was new and familiar.
"Hmmm, I feel like I recognize this," I thought.

Then I realized it was a projection from the The Return of the Indian.
My daughter and I have been reading that series at bedtime for the past few months.
(I thought it was a trilogy 'til I just Googled it - guess we've got a couple more books in store.)

In one scene, the main character Omri travels back in time and finds himself part of the setting/scenery.
That's how I felt.

I got a few seconds of recognition.
Kind of like a lucid dream where you try to hang on.

Well just like a dream I got dumped back to the reality of the run.

But it was cool.
Gave a whole new perspective on the runner's high :-)

Why You So Spartan?

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 01:33:00 +0000

So I like to run and stuff.

And do the occasional race.

But then there's this whole weekend warrior, running isn't good enough, I want my picture taken with fire thing going on.

What's the cute name for it? OCR
Obstacle Course Race

There's challenges like the implied obstacles, mud, throwing spears, barbed wire, burpees.

I talked with my friend Brent, veteran of 5 or so Spartans and have a few notes:

The race will probably suck because it is hard, but you'll be happy at the Finish
There will be more hills than you want
The best strategy for barbed wire, is rolling under it
You'll be addicted to them

When people tell me, and they're happy when they tell me, that they're doing one of these Obstacle Course Races, I really only have one thought.
I hope you get hurt.

If you don't, it's not worth it. Get the full experience.

Want the full experience?
Dan of Spartan Race, Inc. contacted me and said I can give away 1 free entry to ANY Spartan Race.
They have 3.5 different distances.
http://www.spartanrace.com/

That .5 is the Death Race.
http://www.youmaydie.com/

Definitely the only one I'd consider.

To enter this Giveaway, do one of the following:

Leave a comment
Facebook message
Email
Tap me on the shoulder

Of those entries, I'll randomly pick a winner on Saturday, June 15th.

And if you win.

Have a great race.

Break a leg.

2013 Black Bear Tri Race Report - Return of the Half

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 03:44:00 +0000

Man, I really shouldn't have done this race.
I really didn't WANT to do this race.

But, I'm glad I did, and here's why.

Despite days (possibly weeks) of angst and wise reluctance, and then hours of grueling physical exertion, that moment when I crossed the finish line. It was bliss.
In recent memory, I have not been prouder of a Finisher Medal.

Even though I almost finished last.

Stuff

Having done that Austin in24 the weekend prior, I was not recovered.
That should not suggest I wasn't as physically ready as possible. But, I was not recovered.
I do not ride my bike. My longest "training" bike ride was to my daughter's field trip, and I crashed my bike on that trip in the "twin tunnels of death" as I understand they are called.
Well, at a minimum, I know they are called the "twin tunnels" because during the race I ended up running about 8 miles with Gail, formerly of Downingtown, and among the million things we talked about, she recognized the exact location of my crash and provided some historical/urban legends background.
Gail is the most interesting girl in the world, you should meet her sometime.
She was mildly interesting as we chatted, mentioning her job as a bartender when moments later she was describing the carbon bond structure of artificial sweeteners when I rudely interrupted her demanding her college background, revealed to be biochemistry of course.
Oh, and she's traveled to more countries than I know exist.
Yes, chatting while running a 2:10 half marathon makes it much less painful.
I took pictures, too.

I canceled our family hotel room for the race while at the airport flying out to Austin for the in24 when the hotel called me simply to ask if I wanted to upgrade to a Queen bed, but this was shortly after my wife suggested that a day spent at the half iron triathlon with the kids would be a long (horribly boring) day. So I canceled the room.
I spell canceled with only one L.
I entered this race in 2013 because I wanted redemption from my 2009 experience, post-pneumonia.
I had sent this email at the time with the included response.

Mike,

Thanks for your note. It was not an easy decision to switch the distance but we had to do what we felt was the smart choice. There are many athletes like you that were looking forward to taking on the challenge of the half once again. Unfortunately you and those like you are a rare breed...not everyone is as eager to take on such a tough challenge and the Olympic and Half could not coexist. In the end it just came down to the feeling that the Olympic seems to be a better fit for the race. We think the Olympic has the potential to rival Columbia as the premier early season race for the region.

Sorry to disappoint you but we hope t still see you out there,
Larry

------ Forwarded Message
From: Mike
To: <info@cgiracing.com>
Subject: Black Bear - No Half

Hi:

I raced my first (and only, thus far) Half Ironman (if I can use that term) last year at Black Bear.
It was great.

From the moment I saw the preview video online, I fell in love with the setting. And I was not disappointed.

But now I am.

I'm sure you've gotten plenty of positive feedback upon shrinking the Half to an Olympic.
I'm sure you'll get plenty more people to register.

But, I just wanted to share the fact that I thought you had a course that was perfect for the distance, both physically and mentally. I have talked with a small community of racers who had this awesome common bond, "we dared the bear." No other race could be as challenging for your dollar.

So, when my friend and I were discussing logistics for next year's race, and we hit the website (day before the notification email) and learned that there wouldn't be a Half, that really threw a wrench into my upcoming season.

At that point, it appears that the only other "local" early season Half (Eagleman) was already sold out. That created an unfortunate hole in my schedule as I intended to compete in a Full Ironman distance race in the fall.

I'm not worried, I'll figure it out.

But the other disappointment was my expectation that I would be able to improve on my performance in May’s race this past year. At the time, I was a few weeks into my recovery from pneumonia and busted my butt to have enough confidence to compete. I wasn’t ecstatic about my finishing time, but I was pretty proud.

No matter really because I would just try to crush that time next year.
Except there won’t be a “next year!”

My other option I suppose would be to do the Olympic, then get a calculator and see if I improved…

In the end, I wish you success with the race next year.
And I wish I will be there, but I’m not so sure.

It really would have helped to have more notice, if possible.

I didn’t intend to write a book here, so hopefully my few thoughts were effective.

Thank you again for a first-class race last year. My friends and family really enjoyed it.

Mike

I used to be such a baby. Probably still am.
Well, when I saw the half distance returned this year, I pretty much signed up right away.
And then didn't train for it.

The weather for the race was cold and drizzly, in the 50's and the water temperature was 63 in the lake at Beltzville State Park.
I may have been the only half distance athlete without a wet suit. And it didn't make a damn difference.
Trying to stay warm before the race, I found the only public dry spot near transition, a small stage maybe for the post-race rewards. A guy in broken english ran up to me, "You have no water!?" and I said "dude, I have two bottles of water for me. I saw a guy in transition with a gallon, ask him." And I was mildly confused until another person asked me and I realized I appeared to be a poorly dressed race representative because I was sitting on their stage. Couple of asses anyway. Triathloning, but bring no water? Please don't give me another reason to not like stereotypical triathlons/etes.
Um, so I canceled the hotel room but they had free race-day packet pickup, which was clutch.
But I still didn't want to do the race because I was tired as is, and would have to wake at like 3AM to get there in 2 hours, to get my packet and setup in transition. Blah.
And so on the way there, I then had a Eureka moment wherein I conceived a plan to drop from the half distance to the Olympic and save myself suffering throughout the event (I observed people doing just that upon arrival).
But damnit, I guess I had paid for the half and didn't want to throw away $$$.
I was so tired upon waking, I really didn't want to do the race.
Then when I got to the race, I was still sleepy and tired.
You know, I'm not sure how one decides to become a toll booth operator but one saved my life on the way to the race as there was some construction on the Northeast Extension, a helpful highway artery on my way to the race and as I exited for the detour and paid my 3 bucks she said that the roadway was opening in about 5 minutes, a full 1 hour and 15 minutes ahead of schedule. And it did. That was so helpful.

While on the Olympic bike course, nearing the end of the 1st (of 2) 28 mile super hilly loops, I THEN considered dropping to the Olympic again but was unsure what the likelihood of successfully doing that would be.
The swim was easy. Long but easy. The water was cold but just on my face and the crybaby wetsuit-dependent others had the same problem putting their face in that cold water.
I spent oodles of time ahead of the swim start warming up my feet, hands, face and my feet again in the nearby restroom using the hand dryers. It was so cold out and the ground was cold making my feet numb.
Possibly because I looked like a white flash of flesh during the swim, people were knocking me around. It was not a problem.
When I was a kid, I used to care about transition times and now I'm old and don't care and my transition times were effectively the same.
The bike sucked. Super sucked. I was so NOT in bike shape, and we couldn't safely fly down the hills because the road was wet, I was leaning hard on my totally worn out brakes.
The bike sucked. It was not a race on the bike, it was a ride. I got passed by the entire 7 billion world population minus maybe 7.
I played leap frog with another Mike, he was funny and complained that all of his training rides were on flat near-beach roads and I said shut the fuck up, my training rides didn't exist. I said that with an understood smile.
I had to pee on the bike but waited until the run when I found a spot behind an along-the-run-course dumpster to provide privacy.
I ran a couple early miles with one of the top 50-59 age group women because she was going slightly faster than me. I caught up to her and may have slowed her down but again it was mindless (forced initially) chatting to take the mind off the task.
I was so hungry on the run, I ate just enough food after the race at their well organized buffet spread. On the way home I stopped at a rest stop to pee and hit Starbucks for a frozen coffee slushy (I'm sure they have a pretty name for it) but ya know the line was too long so I bailed.
A guy in the rest stop parking lot, his feet propped up on the passenger seat dash applauded me as I walked through the parking lot because I had on my nice new Black Bear tee shirt (wearing it again now actually) and he was a fellow competitor.
Dude, we had the best moment on the run when Gail cheered for a fellow competitor as we neared the final turnaround on the dam with just a few miles remaining, "Almost there!" all full of cheer expect the reply from the competitor when she said "Not for me :-( :-(" super sad face was the biggest buzz kill Debby Downer in the history of sportsmanship. So we went into Stealth Mode when we passed her with a mile or 2 to go.
I had every intention of showering immediately after the race but just wanted to go home and never do a triathlon again.
I'm doing Black Bear half again next year if it exists because my time was 7 hours and change, and I know I can do it in 6 hours. If I ride my bike here and there. Right now I'm riding my bike all the time.

What Worked

Almost nothing.
Chatting like a socialite during the run.
Not wearing a wetsuit for a decent swim and an easy transition.
Getting there early even though I hated life with a rage of drowsiness. I had a great parking spot.
I was a shorts genius. Conned into purchasing "tri shorts" in the past, I finally called bullshit. I wore just compression shorts for the swim. Perfect. Pulled genuine honest to goodness bike shorts over them for the bike. Super padded butt cushion. Heaven. Then lost the bike shorts and pulled on running shorts for the run. Duh. I know. Genius. Most comfortable and effective triathlon wardrobe ever.

What Didn't

Where to begin.
NOT bringing throwaway Gatorade bottles for my bike to expel at the bottle exchange. Stupid.
Needing to tuck my "fuel" aka Scooby Doo fruit snacks alongside my water bottles on the bike. Such a pain to remove.
Not being able to bike hard up hills because my legs just didn't know how anymore.
My lower back hating me for riding the bike so far of a distance.
Oh damnit, wearing my wedding ring to the race. Knowing when I realized I had it on that it was gonna slip off my frozen shrinking ring finger during the swim.
I had to do the whole damn race with my wedding ring tied inside my shorts on the drawstring.

It was not helpful to have run 75 miles the weekend prior and now needing to knock out a half marathon after 5 hours of swimming/biking. But the run was OK despite appearing slow.
I have never NEVER had the experience, until this race, where a course marshal needs to confirm we are on the 2nd (final) loop of the run because we are bumping against the 8 hour must-be-done time limit. Damn really?
I should not have relied on solely water for the bike, because I needed sugar and happiness, granted I did STOP at the bottle exchange and load up on Gatorade on the 2nd bike loop.

Wrap

I still don't like the triathlon scene as much as I did in year's past. But I did feel like a minimalist and still didn't forget a damn thing. So even though I was CERTAIN that this would be my final triathlon, all during the race I repeated my so-finished-with-this attitude toward the triathlon sport.
Despite that, I want to a) do this race again next year as previously mentioned and b) maybe do the Full Iron Man (not the "branded" one mind you) this fall.
Decisions, decisions but simple matters of responsibility, prioritization and logistics, all of which I'm getting better at in my old age.

Inaugural Austin in24 Race Report

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 03:24:00 +0000

I'm not sure I spelled inaugural correctly, but assume it would have little red squigglies under it if I didn't.
Kinda like squigglies has squigglies under it.

I am giving myself 30 minutes to write a race report that normally would take me two neurotic hours of re-reading and revisions.
But if I wait any longer, as the race was 3 weeks ago, I'll forget even more.
I want to add pictures, too, but that usually takes alot of time, too. We shall see.

Well back a few months ago, OK it was Jan 25th, we received an email about Big News:

Introducing The Back on My Feet in24 Austin Race Challenge!

Back on My Feet is excited to announce that 20in24 will be evolving into the Back on My Feet in24 Race Series! This has been a vision for the past 18 months. Don't worry, the 20in24 you've come to know and love will stay the same, and we're thrilled to announce the The Back on My Feet in24 Austin Race Challenge (in24 Austin) which will take place May 11 - 12! Early registration for in24 Austin is now open and we hope some of you will join us down in Texas for our inaugural event. Please enjoy 20 percent off any of the races with this code: 20in24Vet2013 *

Here are some details about in24 Austin and please

visit the website to learn more:

in24 Austin is a 5-mile loop instead of the 8.4-mile loop in Philadelphia
Races are very similar: The Lone Ranger Ultra-Marathon, the Five-Person Relay Challenge,Sunset Run, and the Pajama Loop! Early registration is open.
Back on My Feet launches its tenth chapter in Austin on January 28th
"Like" in24 Austin on Facebook
"Like" Back on My Feet Austin on Facebook and "Follow" us on Twitter

A huge thanks to RunTex and ACE Cash Express for helping to make this happen. If you have any questions about in24 Austin, please contact us!

Your friends at Back on My Feet

And I agree, this is big news.
And I was kinda interested.

But interest would only carry me so far because if I wanted to participate in a new race in Austin, TX, there were several unknowns to clear up.
So we cleared them up.

Got flights.
Arranged grandparent tag-team childcare.
Setup rental car.
Would stay with my sister-in-law in San Antonio.

Did you know the Alamo was in San Antonio?
It is.

So the Alamo became part of the loose itinerary.
San Antonio also have a Riverwalk which is cool.
You pay money to park at the shopping mall? and then you can walk for a few pretty miles along a dirty river.

Oh, and stand on the bridges.

Um.
OK I'm a little off-track.

I also signed up for the race and ending up communicating with Back on My Feet representatives and Leah from Austin Fit Magazine. I think I was the only nut who felt a connection to the 20in24 so great that I wanted to travel down for this first race.
It was to show support for the first year, remembering that the first year in Philly was relatively quaint, and now it is nuts.
Hopefully, I would also attract others to the race, but I don't think that happened.
I don't have much running community influence. I don't actually race much these days anyway.

Well, OK, so we took the trip down and it was great.
I love flying too much. I love clouds. They look so alien and beautiful up close.

Hmmm, I think I keep saying "our" and "we" but haven't given enough information.
My wife also went down with me and along with spending time with her sister's family was excited to volunteer for, um, 15 hours? or so at the in24 race. How cool, I know.
I'd regaled her with tales of 20in24 volunteers who are just awesome. Now she is one of them.

I think the 20in24 is actually called the Philly in24 now. It is less tongue-twister.

I only have about 15 more minutes to type so on to the race stuff.

Oh, we also toured 6th street in Austin. I can't wait to go back.
I used Google Search with music recognition to discover a new band/album down there too.
Portraits by Wheeler Brothers
Check it out. I listen to it on MOG.

We are going back to Austin next year, not for the race, but need to swing by later at night when these cool little food trailers are open. And when live music is playing in the many, many bars.

So first two full days in Texas, we did way too much walking.
Walked alot in San Antonio, Riverwalk.
Walked alot in Austin day before the race up-and-down 6th street, mostly killing time until pre-race packet pickup.
Which I thought was mandatory day-before pickup.
But wasn't.

Oh well, it was cool saying hi to Back on My Feet at Rogue Running and feeling like the race was definitely on.

Arrived at Camp Mabry about 100 miles from San Antonio for the race on Saturday, May 11th.
OK it wasn't quite 3 weeks ago yet, but almost.

Camp Mabry is an active military base.

I'm gonna change the format now and just list stuff.

Stuff

Met Leah from Austin Fit Magazine (AFM) right after the introduction speech.
Army people were running on the same track we were running on.
During the Star Spangled Banner, there was no flag.
We had a moment of silence for victims of Boston. A race theme was Baustin Strong.
After the race, BoMF dumped a ton of size small in24 Baustin Strong shirts on us.
I used one for a birthday gift the next weekend. The kid was wearing it the very next day.
As the race was about to start, on the track, at the starting line, all of the Army people, I want to call them troops, cadets? ran through the starting line. You know runners can be sticklers for their sacred running territory, this was funny.
There were not many participants. 40 Lone Rangers, tops. 10 relay teams.
The first mile was a loop on the track, then a 5K on paved course, then the final mile was another loop on the track.
Our first loop, the course marshal didn't know the course and had us take a shortcut, we laughed.
I ran most of the 1st loop with the eventually women's winner, Shay.
I would have stuck with her for the 2nd and maybe more loops, but my hat blew off and I did not have the strength to pick it up and speed up for 20 yards to rejoin her.
I spent alot of time on the course with a guy named Axle. He was from Germany originally, then Tulsa?, then Austin. A pleasure to talk with both about running and particulars about Austin.
Axle can walk very fast for a significant distance.
I spent alot of time with Leah of AFM, mostly at the end. We talked about runner things like pee.
I spent a loop or so with eventual 3rd place male, Simon. He was very nice and always exchanged pleasantries as we passed by each other.
Here's a picture from the first loop with some of them in it.

There were many deer on the course after sundown. It was exciting.
The sun was blazing during the day, blazing. Only one really big cloud. I remember it. I exulted.
There was a very strong breeze on the track. I resolved to walk whenever the breeze blew into my face. That became a tough habit to break even while running in the days/weeks after the race.
I was so tired at one point in the middle of the night, I wanted to sleep on ANY elevated surface, for example a sidewalk. I walked for miles before finding an elevated surface, the porch of a house between the track and the highway. Conceivably, I'd still be sleeping there if I had not pushed on.
The race director and BoMF director is Joe. And he seriously won the 2nd day Pajama Run. He was so far ahead, I thought he was previewing the course. He did a great job with the race and had a very good attitude throughout.
When my wife's family arrived for the Sundown race, I was defeated and all but quit. I really wanted to sleep.
At my lowest grumpy point toward sundown I was super annoyed by a volunteer laying down in the middle of the course. But not annoyed enough to directly confront him. But annoyed nonetheless.
I ran my fastest miles just before 2 or 3AM because I was racing my wife back to the tent. She was wrapping up her volunteer super shift and I resolved that if I returned to the tent first, I was done and going to bed. I was concerned that neither of us would be rested enough to drive the 100 miles home.
We did stop at Bucky's the Beaver rest stop on the way home (and on the way TO the race for ice) and I hobbled something fierce to make it into the rest room. Then I hobbled more to mix the perfect cherry/vanilla Diet Doctor Pepper fountain soda. And I was starving but was too cheap to purchase anything good to eat. So I got one of those yogurt parfaits with granola. Good enough.
I shed a tear during a tired moment to Through the Wire by Kanye West.
I did not listen to much music along the course because by the time I "needed" it, there were only a few hours until dark.
Our nieces finished 1st and 2nd in their age group for the Sundown race. Is that what it was called?
No, it was called the Sunset Run.
Yeah, they are fast. Our 1st place niece fell descending the biggest hill and said she hit a tuck and roll and popped back up without a scratch.
I did a tuck and roll after falling off a high curb during a winter run and to this day have no idea how I did it successfully.
During the night at the race, in the valley, lowest elevation of the race, I heard a bird singing "Whip Or Whill" and confirmed that Austin does have whip-poor-wills, although I didn't see one.

I'm over my time limit, so wrapping up.

What Worked

I didn't get in many long runs ahead of this race, not like in year's past when I'd knock out an easy 20 on winter weekends. But I did have my 33 mile birthday run under my belt which provided confidence.
My running shoes, though too lightweight and half a size too small worked great. My feet felt fine.
My favorite running socks, which I can't find in stores anymore, worked great also, even though they have a few holes at the tips of the toes.
I did not get any notable blisters despite the heat. That's always a toss up, not sure why I get them sometimes. But I did not treat any blisters during the race.
I wore my make-shift legionnaires cap with an orange rag under my hat. Keeps the sun off the neck.

I wore a hat during the day, my head got a little warm though, so it was a compromise for sun relief.
I carried salt pills in a wrist bag, that was perfect.
Eating Pirate Booty, from an aid station, after almost every loop to get a little salt but mostly to fill my stomach to reduce sloshing.
I used, again make-shift, gaiters to keep debris out of my shoes and socks. Kept most stuff out of socks but particularly on the track, I had to clean out my shoes several times.
I walked almost every hill throughout the race and like I said, whenever the wind was strong.
I didn't stop at aid stations. I did stop at my tent but I wasted very little time at water stops.
This wasn't really my doing but the course was PERFECT.
OK, more hilly than my mind would have preferred but perfect. Only a 5 mile loop. And 2 of those miles were on the track at home base. That meant with the 5k portion of the course, you were never more than 1.5 miles away from the start. Mentally, that helped SO much because it was only a short distance before re-joining civilization. Huge boost. Huge.
Having family at the race. My wife the whole race. She needs to go to more races, more in24's. And she will. She's volunteering at Philly now.
Look how nice she setup my stuff in the tent.

Oh and Medical Tape to prevent nipple chafing. Flawless.
Back to family. Having my sister-in-law's family at the race for a few hours was priceless.
I ran a loop of the track with my middle niece (and ran to a distant tree with the youngest) and she was running faster than I'd like but it motivated me on every future loop on the track to push it for the same stretches I ran/sprinted with her.
Post race flip-flops. Nothing like setting your feet free. It felt so good.

And finally, I picked my worst daytime loop to take pictures around the base. I'm glad I did.

Yes, those pictures suggest more clouds than I recognized during the race.

What Didn't Work

Too much.
I was not acclimated to heat. It wasn't THAT hot, really, but it was hotter than the coldness we'd had back home lately. I don't do well in heat, period.
I failed to fuel properly. I did not commit to drinking Ensure after every loop like I know I must. I think later in the race, it contributed to my sleepiness and my sleepiness was resolved by a steady influx of cookies.
I failed to electrolyte/hydrate sufficiently. The at-times strong breeze made me unaware of how significantly I had been sweating. I learned that during those peak heat/sun hours, I need to double-up salt pills.
Because I had terrible cramps about 10 hours in. I almost seized up just straightening my legs while watching our nieces get their awards.
Heat rash. Dude WTF. I got a heat rash on my inner legs also 10 or so hours in. Show stopper.
But no problem, just change into my compression shorts.
Left them back at home. At Home home.
I'm serious, my wife and sister-in-law drove to a local Walmart and purchased the only pair of compression shorts and they fit me perfectly. That and 2 hours of rehydration got me back in the race.
Anything else fail?
You know, I actually did ZERO post-race recovery steps like consume protein and carbs, or ice bath or Stick my legs. And my recovery both same-day and days after was fine. My legs were OK.

Wrap

I knew going into the race that I could knock out 75 miles.
I did not know that I would ONLY knock out 75 miles, 15 loops.
Too much time sidelined with dehydration and the heat rash. I could have walked through the dehydration but both at the same time knocked me down for about 2 hours.

I crossed the finish line, paced the final 5 walking miles, by my wife.
I was satisfied and proud of the effort and committing to the trip and experience.

My sister-in-law's family, Leah of AFM, and the BoMF team made us feel so welcome down in Texas, the trip couldn't have gone any better.
I'm really looking forward to the 20in24 in less than 2 months.

And I'm looking forward to visiting Texas again.
If things work out, I'd love to do the Austin in24 again. We'll see.

33on33

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sun, 05 May 2013 21:33:00 +0000

Last year I didn't publish a 32on32 and I regretted it when my birthday popped up this year.
I'm trying not to repeat mistakes of the past.
Good.

This past March I maintained my tradition of running my age in miles on my birthday.
It requires some planning.
I did not plan well.

Why not?
Well, primarily because I didn't have an account of last year's birthday run to reference.

Thinking back to my 32nd birthday, all I really remember is running kinda early in the morning, maybe 6AMish and choosing the worst initial route ever.
A 13 mile out-and-back where the "back" is a big ass hill.
Too much effort early.

Then a 2 mile out-and-back.
At which point it was still dark and getting very trafficky.

So I ended up at the gym for a spell. A 13 mile spell.
Because people still use the word "spell."

Notable because I told one or two people why I was at the gym later than usual and on the treadmill longer than usual.
Notable because after I had showered and changed, on my way out the door Roger at the front desk out of nowhere suggests that he respected my birthday run effort.
Wow.
(Where's Roger been anyway?)

And then I knocked out the final 3 miles later in the afternoon.

Anyway, maybe that's how it went because I really don't remember.

This year, with the poor memory of the previous year still NOT fresh in my mind, I set out.
:-)

I woke just before 4AM to begin a 33 mile odyssey.
My plan was to run this sweet 13 mile out-and-back, then a 5 mile loop, then 13 miles to the local smorgasbord to meet my family for breakfast.

I donned my deteriorating reflective green construction vest and a brand new headlamp.
Fuel was a handheld water bottle with a planned stop at Wawa convenience store for more water.

I headed out for 6.5 uneventful miles to Wawa.
It was beginning to rain.
Glad I wore a hat.

Except it was also windy.
And kept blowing my hat off.
So I had to wear my hat backward.

Defeated the intent of the hat.

On the way back, up the big ass hill, it was raining more.
A white van swerved directly at me.
I stood in the residue of its exhaust and gave a prolonged middle finger.
In hindsight, at that time, I wished I had thrown a rock at it.

Now, I'm soaked.

I stopped home after the 13 miles for a potty break and refilled my water bottle.
I headed out for the 5 mile loop. No bald eagle sightings.

Home again for a final refuel.
I was soaked and cold but fairly comfortable because I had on two long sleeved technical shirts.

I lost the reflective vest and mistakenly kept the headlamp.
It was light out just a few minutes into my remaining point-to-point 15 miler.

During the final stretch of my run on the road, I played chicken with at least 3 horses and buggies.
I always yielded and ran in the lane of traffic.
The horse and buggie drivers always waved "Thanks."

I was behind schedule.

I thought the 33 miles would take me 5.5 hours, meeting my family at 9:30AM.
Ooops.

I hit mile 26.2 coincidentally at about 9:15AM when my family drove by and pulled into a nearby bank parking lot to rescue me.

This was bittersweet.
I was happy to be picked up.
I was unhappy RunKeeper recognized 0 miles of my run. Man.

I was happy to have 26.2 miles in the books.
I was annoyed to look at 6.8 remaining miles to be tackled later.

But fortunately, I had the afternoon while the kids were at school.

The smorgasbord was fantastic.
I drank so many ICEEs.

Home. Shower. Took Goodles to school.

Gym.
Treadmill.
6.8 miles at a peaceful 10min/mi pace.

All 33 miles while listening to tunes.
Pretty sure I ended with Kendrick Lamar. Love that kid.

Showered/changed at the gym.

The kids had dictated that we would go to a Moon Bounce place per tradition.

So while the Run Your Age tradition becomes more difficult year-by-year, let me acknowledge that subsequent Moon Bouncing is also increasingly difficult.
But so worth it.

I didn't stretch after completing the runs.
I didn't use The Stick to rub my legs down.
I didn't take an ice bath.

And my recovery was complete after 2+ days.
Next year, I need to do some Same-Day therapy to accelerate recovery.

At night, family came over for pizza, cake and ice cream.
I had a SpongeBob cake.

That's the 33in33.
Try it sometime.

Exclamate No More

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 09 Mar 2013 20:09:00 +0000

We're in a good spot because as purveyors of the English language we are welcome to invent new words.
So if exclamate was not a word, it is now.

Exclamate means to use an exclamation point.

And we're well beyond the exclamation point's useful existence.
It perpetuates artificial happiness and excitement.

I now apologize for exclamating.
The reality is that you cannot be happy and excited about everything.

"See you then!"

Fine, maybe you are really happy and excited about everything.
In which case "See you then" will suffice because your happiness/excitement is implied by your very nature.

One other note.
Not that it implies to stuff I write.
But, if you write sentences like this. Where you continue in the form of a paragraph. You do not need to hit the spacebar twice after a period anymore. Apparently that was something from the typewriter days and now the world is good with fonts and you can save the space.

So do please save those exclamation points.
Unless you're being sarcastic.

*I need to start blogging again here and there because my domain renewal is coming up soon, so I have to justify that $10/year.

The Audacity of iHop

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 01:50:00 +0000

A few weeks ago, we ate dinner at a newly opened Texas Roadhouse restaurant.
I think their focus is being a steak house.
But, they also give you unlimited peanuts. In the shell.
You are encouraged to, from the moment you enter the door, crack open peanuts, consume the nut and discard the shell. Right on the floor.
"Somebody" will clean it up! So cute!

Then you sit at your table with more unlimited peanuts in a little bucket.
You can discard the shells into a twin bucket (initially empty) or throw the shells on the floor.

While you wait for your appetizer, your main course, your dessert, and also while you are eating, the server brings you unlimited rolls.
And to-die-for cinnamon butter.

During our visit, I warned the server that I would be unable to stop eating the rolls.
I would not eat my dinner.

I ate 16 rolls. This was no joke.
I ate half my huge hamburger.
This was all reasonably priced.

Later after returning home, I left my doggy-bagged hamburger on the kitchen counter, rather than putting it in the fridge as planned.
The next morning, I threw it away. Afraid of some non-refrigerated meat disease.

Last night, we attended a fundraiser.

We played bingo.
We ate pizza.
We ate home-baked good upon home-baked good.

The kids left with a bunch of dollar store inflatable toy prizes.
I left with the disgusted feeling of overeating.

Yes.
The fundraiser was to fight hunger.

Today I took the kids to the local YMCA Health Kids Day.
They have fun activities for the kids.
They have a bunch of vendors/organizations set up tables and hand out schwag and coloring books.

I had my most productive vendor/organization table conversation ever, with a pair of hunger awareness tables.

One was for the local foodbank.
Learned I can take our excess garden yield to the foodbank. Rather than taking it to work.
Winner.

The other was an organization that helps feed the hungry.
1 in 8 families in our county do not have enough food.

Did I mention that the wait at Texas Roadhouse was over an hour?
And that there were ZERO parking spots available? Including spots at the adjacent Cracker Barrel?

1 in 8 families are struggling with hunger.
13,000 kids in our county get free breakfast and lunch at school each week.
They do not have enough food to eat properly over the weekend.
The local organizations only have enough resources to supply 900 kids with weekend food packages.

And that's the audacity.*

Everywhere I go.
Gluttony.
Obesity.
Diet here!
Lose weight here!

I signed up to volunteer with the foodbank/hunger organizations.
Because honest.
This invisible hunger problem. And I know the numbers. It doesn't make sense.

*I have never been to an iHop

Something to Look Forward To

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 03:14:00 +0000

"We'll call you every.
Single.
Day."

Don't I feel honored?

No.
I don't.

Because the conversation started like this.

...Cell phone rings. Unknown number. My kids just got done riding a horse at the zoo.
I answer, because who knows who is calling?!

Me - "Hi."
Jerk - "Hello. This is the Computer Maintenance Department."
Me - Thinking. Because, like, I pretty much AM the Computer Maintenance Department.
Me - "Which Computer Maintenance Department?"
Jerk - "THE Computer Maintenance Department."
Me - Thinking. Because, that's a good way to ruin a nice conversation with me.
Me - "OK. I call bullshit."
Jerk - Doesn't see this on his script.
Jerk - "I am calling from the Computer Maintenance Department!"
Me - "Here's what we're gonna do. You're going to remove me from your list. And never call me again."
Jerk - "We'll call you every.
Single.
Day."

And guess what!?
That was the truth!

Every day. In the afternoon. From the same number.
During subsequent calls, I've tried to feign interest and enthusiasm.

But just my luck. They keep hanging up.

I did Google it tonight.
And <sigh> I see posts (in the only hit I looked at) from 2010.

What's old is new.

The Post Office

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 02:19:00 +0000

I like the USPS, the US Postal Service.

There's still value in sending snail mail. A letter. Real, touch and feel photographs.

But, they have a losing business model, some kind of ridiculous pension overhead, and the need to consolidate and become more efficient.

I was reminded of this stuff in the NY Times today.
I didn't get into the NYC Marathon, BTW. I'll just have to do my own version!

Aside - This new Blogger create-a-post layout is cute but so empty. Where's the color man?

Back - So what to do to help the Post Office.

Not sure if this was my original idea or not, but I'll pretend it is.

I would 100% most certainly use a USPS email address.
I mean, secure email. No SPAM. Guaranteed delivery.
Good stuff like that.

And I'd pay good for it, too.
Let's say $200/year for mike@usps-securemail.com

Because, really.
Who wants one of these crummy free addresses that get hacked all the time and SPAMMED to no end?
I don't. I'm tired of it.
And that's how the USPS and I can help each other.

To my knowledge, that service is not available.

Which is why I loved seeing this annual conference in my travels today:
http://www.postalvision2020.com/

Check it out. Discussing ways technology can save USPS.

Did you know the USPS made commericals touting the security of snail mail versus email?
Damnit, they should have been setting up secure email addresses!

This topic was totally random but:
a) I just renewed this domain name for another year. I need to blog a little more to justify that $10 expense.
b) See a)

Bike Ride

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 02:49:00 +0000

Oh, I still have this blog.

Lindsay and Marni are the winners of the ZipFizz giveaway.
Lindsay, I probably need your address.
Or I'll just Google it ;-)

If ZipFizz is still shipping giveaway stuff, then consider it on its way.

But since I can still blog for free, I wanted to at least remind myself that I have an idea for a 625-ish mile bike ride this summer.
A few logistics to work out first.

Google Maps has the cool little Bike-mode option.
But it is a little too protective of you the rider. Which results in a ton of little turns.
The route includes 400 "cues." Unmanageable.

Anyway, since I've received a initial response of "no way" from those that love me, I have a little more planning to do.
And then, hopefully I can share the destination and how I figure out the route.

ZipFizz Onomatopoeiatic Giveaway and Review

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 04:28:00 +0000

Ding!
Got an email from Ashley of ZipFizz to review their energy drink mix.

Which is to say, you snap! Remove the cover of a little tube.
Then, tilt and pour into a bottle of water.

You guessed it.
Fizz!

Since I misplaced my thrilling pics/video of the experience, I give you this reenactment:

And no, despite the illustration, you do not need a degree in chemistry.

Perhaps you've seen this type of product before?
I had.

I almost bought a similar product.
Which depends on your definition of "bought."

Because I selected a similar product at the local running store.
Paid for it.
Left it on the counter by accident.
And never returned.

Which made it all the better to receive a sampler pack of this tasty energy-packed product.
And guess what?
You can get one, too. For free!
Just keep reading.

OK, so I consumed a sampler pack of flavors such as:
Grape! Berry! Pink Lemonade.
And other flavors you can find right there on the ZipFizz website.

But first.
First I had to try the LIMITED EDITION Orange Cream flavor.

Drank it during a 7ish mile run to start my Saturday.
It was happiness in my mouth.
Fizzible, yet smooth.

That same day, I really put ZipFizz to the test.
Following that empty stomach run in the morning, I decided not to eat prior to a 1-mile afternoon race in town.

I gulp! Drank the berry flavor during the race.
The tube conveniently fit into my handheld bottle's zipper compartment.

And zoom! I PR'd the race!

Um.
OK, that was my first timed mile.

Still. You can't argue with those results!

In fact, a few days later, I drank some ZipFizz while swimming laps before work.
And while I didn't notice any additional Zip in the pool, I felt great when I got to work.
Alert and happy. Alerter and happier than usual anyway.

What does this have to do with you?
Well, if you want to try out an all natural energy drink, which includes natural caffeine, ZipFizz will hook up 2 lucky giveaway winners.
Two simple rules to win.

Like ZipFizz on Facebook.
And leave a comment here.

I'll pick 2 random winners on 1/30/2012.

It's that simple.

What's that?
How much B12 does this product contain?

Well, 2500 micrograms per serving.
Exactly, we're talking bam! 41,667% the recommended daily value.
A boost of energy. And it can probably treat a minor case of cyanide poisoning.

Thank you to ZipFizz for the delightful product review opportunity and for rewarding two loyal readers with their own free sample pack.

Janathon Cheerleader

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 01:29:00 +0000

Janathon came at a bad time for me this year.

Not sure how I can make that statement after participating last year despite a 10 day trip to Disney World.

I was hoping to join Erin and Hennie this year.
Lindsay even sent me a very nice reminder email.

But.
I can't.

Just happens that I'm extra-focused on a few things around the house.
Staying on top of home videos and photos
Finally organizing our receipts (which is horrible)
Helping my son Goodles learn woodworking
Oh and prepare for Kindergarten (which should have been listed first)
Helping my daughter HoneyBunny take initiative with Math
And that list continues

So I can't rationalize the extra minutes for daily blogging.
Or squeezing in the daily running.
Not this month.

Which leaves me cheerleading.
Happy New Year and Good Luck!

Playing the Tooth Fairy

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 22:29:00 +0000

There's a few things they don't cover in Parenting School.

One of them is Tooth Fairy agility skills.

Come to think if it, they don't cover much about Tooth Fairy theory either.

We added to the web of lies affectionately called childhood this past week.

First loose tooth became first lost tooth became first visit from the Tooth Fairy.

What do I possess in terms of Tooth Fairy theory?

Tooth Fairy origin?
I have no idea.

Tooth Fairy in practice?
Put tooth under pillow.
Sleep.
Tooth Fairy flies in.
Swaps tooth for cash.

What does she do with the accumulated teeth?
Satisfy her enamel addiction?
Create World Record tooth towers?
Tooth dominos?

According to my kids, "she just collects them."

We decorated an envelope for the impossibly small tooth.
Tucked it under the pillow at bedtime.

We did have Moose's Loose Tooth available for bedtime reading but we skipped it.

After 2+ hours of laboring over the loose tooth, we were all pretty tired.
(we agreed that loose tooth #2 shouldn't be so difficult...)

With the kids quickly asleep I realized I needed to spring into action.

First, the payment.
The Year 2011.

Other kids at school probably wake up to iPods under their pillow.

I settle on 25 cents.
But as I'm tucking a Quarter into the little envelope, I see a Dollar Bill on my dresser, so I tuck it into the envelope, too.

On to the Exchange.

Leaving just a sliver of light emitting from the nearby bathroom, I channel the traditional ninja.
Silent, I open the door.

The kids are deep asleep.

Cautious, I cease breathing.
I crawl to the bed, avoiding dolls, ponies, lollaloopsies, and countless hair accessories.

Initially, I thought I would need to lift the pillow.
Rookie.

No.
You can safely slide your arm under the pillow for removal of the tooth.
Just as easily, you can substitute the cash.
Then, crawl out the room as inaudibly as you entered!

Pat yourself on the back.
You have successfully executed the Tooth Fairy task, as had I.

And tonight, for good measure, I'll play her uncle.
Santa H. Claus

...I wrote this post on my phone over the past week using the Blogger Android app (and Swype). It worked pretty well!

Like Eli

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:59:00 +0000

I did it.

I'm sure many others have been there at one point or another.

I signed up for a race.
That might be a Kids race.

So.

Let's view the registered participants.

What's that?
You don't see me?

Oh.

I looked at the participants before I clicked SUBMIT.
And since I got scared that it might be a Kids race, I opted OUT of displaying my name.
:-)

Now.
This is my hometown.
A 1-mile race ahead of the annual x-mas parade.
I do not believe this 1-mile race is held annually. Might be the inaugural?

Well.
Who's registered?
Again. My hometown.

I don't know any of these people!
And there's a bunch of kids!

Full disclosure.
Fine.

I do know OF one person.
Our 28 year old mayor.
Fresh off a DUI conviction. Sweet!

What to do then?

Bring one of my kids along? And not race it?

Try to knock out a 5:30 mile?
But veer into the crowd if it looks completely uncool?

Ah, decisions.

Guess we'll find out on race day!

Chilly, Gusty, Uphilly

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 03:33:00 +0000

I could have used the word "windy" but I encouraged HoneyBunny to use "gust" as a rhyming word with "must" as part of her spelling homework.
We practice spelling words 4 nights/week.

Oh.
But I don't think that's true in all of her classmates' households.
Thus, in addition to the spelling games I invented to make spelling practice tolerable, we also now have been assigned spelling homework at least 2 nights/week.

Where am I going with this?

Here:
Look out Japan!
The USA may have been struggling with test scores and leaving children behind, but no more!
We mean business.

Hmm, let's get back to chilly, gusty, uphilly.

It had been about 70 degrees here in PA for the past week.

For my run tonight it was 41 degrees.
Chilly.

And that change in temperature must be courtesy of a "front" moving in. Or out.
Bringing or leaving with wind.
20+ MPH gusts.
Gusty.

And my 6+ mile run tonight followed dropping off our "3rd car" for inspection.
(Yes, I'm overdoing the "quotes" tonight.)

And from the mechanic's garage, it is 6+ miles uphill to get home.
Uphilly.

I almost bailed on this run.
It was not going to be pleasant.

Saving grace?
At some point tonight, cloud cover rolled out exposing a sliver of a moon and a handful of stars.
Just enough beauty to get me out the door.
Even if the cloud cover had returned when I went out the door.

And it was a tough run home, walking at one point on the steepest hill.
And avoiding cars on that same hill. No shoulder. Cars flying downhill. Not expecting to be driving straight at a runner.

But I feel great now that I got the run in.

I felt so great, I acknowledged a couple of emails to register for races this weekend and next.
Yes, despite "quitting" the season.

Still, I might not race them.
Neither are logistically kind to me.

But we'll see how it goes.
Has to be easier than a chilly, gusty, uphilly run.

Quit

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 03:02:00 +0000

I'm pretty sure my 2011 racing year is over.

This upcoming weekend has 3 races.
A 2-miler, 5K and 5-miler.
I signed up for all 3 last year.
I signed up for none this year.

I've done two 5K's in the past month.
Both finished about 21:30.
Which I'm happy with.

Signed up for the 20in24 again last week.
8 months away.
Again, focused on 100 miles in 24 hours.

Not sure why I keep putting myself through that.
"That" exhausting training.
It's fun I guess.
And I keep learning.

I was -this- close last year.
A few small changes are due.

Longer long runs. Need to approach 50 miles in a training run or two.
Heat acclimation. Need to overdress for my training runs.
Blood pressure. Need to make the lifestyle changes to reduce my blood pressure so I'm not stopping for medical checks.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

One good thing about this fall is weight training.
I've been lifting upperbody for almost 3 months now.
I feel stronger and along with some core strengthening I've accepted the need to work total body.

And so I've quit at the tail end of the racing season.
That will bring a splash of regret.
I could stand to improve my 2-miler PR :-)

Maybe next year.

Faking It

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 10:53:00 +0000

My day started with a boost of confidence.
No wait.
What's the opposite.

About to jump in the pool.
Two lifeguards chatting and I hear one say:
"See. Now Mike. He goes to bed at 11."

I walk up to her.
"I'm sorry, did I hear that right?"

She says, "Yeah. You go to bed at 11 o'clock. I can tell by your face!"
Ha.

When I asked for the relevancy of this conversation she reminded me that some of the 5AM swimmers go to bed at 8PM.
OK.

I mean.
I can't go to bed before my kids!

In fact, I have the day off work.
So, I gave myself only about 3 minutes to throw on my swim trunks, fill a water bottle, flip my flops and run out the door.

Normally I have at least 20 minutes to prep in the morning.
Which probably makes the difference here.

When I bought my first electric razor a few years ago the instructions said:
"Wait at least 20 minutes after waking before shaving. To relieve the swelling in your face."

That's a fact.
I don't know why but my face is definitely swollen when I wake.

40 minutes of swimming later, I pop out of the pool and ask:
"So! Do I look any better now?!?!"

Ooops.
I should have just kept that thought to myself.

As I remove my goggles revealing deep goggle-marks on my face.
So sad.

OK.
I look terrible in the morning.
That's something I can't fake.

But I can ALMOST fake a game of golf.

I learned yesterday at the kids' Parent-Junior golf competition.

I was paired with my son Goodles for 6 holes at the local country club.
My daughter Honeybunny paired up with her grandpa.

Parents and kids alternated shots on each hole.
It was so much fun!

Except.
I can't golf.

In fact.
It was only the 3rd time that I have swung a golf club.

And we survived!

The kids both did great.
They've been practicing for nearly 2 months now.
And they've developed some good golfing habits.
The instruction they've received is simple and repeatable.

I applied it to myself.
And it worked pretty well.

Among my difficulties, adults were only permitted to use one club.
And while it is easy enough to identify the "good club" to use, which for me was a 7-iron, it is difficult to play a full hole with that limitation.

For instance.
Driving.
That's the first hit at each hole.
Off the tee.

"Drive for show. Putt for dough."

Oh, we were allowed to use a putter, too.
That was a last minute announcement. To protect the greens.

OK, so I try to Drive. Hit a golf ball, off of a tee, with a 7-iron.
I guess I teed off 4 times.
Only once did I completely flub it.
Success.

My Drives were remarkably decent.
All luck.
I was powerless.
Could not control distance, height, direction or hook.
Don't ask me how it worked out so well.

Things got better on the fairway, or short grass.
Which might be the rough. Or not.
When I hear "the rough" I think of tall, unfriendly grass.

Either way, the 7-iron blessed me with mostly good shots on the approach.
Honestly, poor Goodles had to bail us out whenever I made any bad shots.
He would hit them back onto the fairway :-)
Love that kid.

Putting was best left to Goodles, too.
I guess a real putter, not a "miniature golf or 'putt putt' putter" works alot better.
I kept overputting.

It was more popular to let Goodles sink the putts anyway.

I will tell you.
It was so much fun.

And the other adults had similar experiences, in spite of their experience.
So we were all smiles.

It was such a relief to fake those 6 holes.
Although, I think my Saucony Pro Grid 4's gave me away.

Running Regret

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 02:24:00 +0000

This really isn't a significant landmark to observe.
But.

Today, if I had my act together, I would have completed a 50-mile solo run from my house to Hershey Park.

However.
I'm not in good enough shape.

And while I love putting my body through hell.
My body likes to punish me in return.

Therefore.
I did not do the run.
Or plan the run.

Or figure out the hardest part.
Some logistics.
Like how to get back home from a point-to-point 50 mile run.
Absent, to my knowledge, any public transportation options.

But I should look into it because.
Last night, I was fortunate to sit down and watch some TV with my wife and little brother.

And I don't watch TV.

But it was a show where these people bid on storage units.
It probably has some predictable name like Storage Wars: Clash of the Junk Collectors.

And as the clock had ticked past 10 o'clock, I quipped:
"Still not sure if I should run to Hershey Park tonight or not."

That was not well received.

Possibly due to my previous, related attempt to bike to Hershey Park.
Which ended just short.
Dehydration and time factored against me.

To conclude this landmark observation, I'll put out that.
Had I run.

The weather was PERFECT.
And a nearly FULL MOON.
And the HERSHEY HALF MARATHON was today!
I would have arrived at about 10AM.
And walked up to the Race Finishers tent and enjoyed the post-race spread.

Yeah yeah, in return I would have donated to a Hershey charity.
Seriously.

I would have.

I still might.

I have no idea when the next PERFECT time for this run will be.
Hopefully, it is after I do logistically address my return trip home.
And train sufficiently.

Which brings me back to reality.

I did knock out about 10 miles this morning.
Beautiful fall weather.
Leaves on the ground.
Leaves changing color.
The smell of leaves enveloping my route.

I ran fast, too.
Faster than my last few 12+ min/mile race paces for certain.
And I felt great.
A fair amount of leg pain.
Like, "Mike you're pushing us a little too hard, Love, Your legs."
That type of great, well-deserved pain.

And wouldn't you know.

Nearly 2 years after the original incident.
Not 24 hours after my confrontation with public displays of yelling and anger yesterday.

With less than a quarter mile before I reached my house.
I started to walk. My cool down.

And a truck came down the road in the opposite direction.
And the gentlemen looked at me.
The weary runner.

And he waved.
A friendly wave.

Which in terms of significance.

2 Years ago I thought this same man was going to kill me.
Or make me injured.

As he had yelled at me on a nearby road.
He in his truck.
Me nearing the end of an 18 mile run.

But the following day.
And I've told this story before.

It turned out he lived in my neighborhood.
Saw me at a neighbor's house.

Pulled up, and stopped along the street.
In the same truck he drives when he yells at runners.

And he approached.
As I saw my life flash before my eyes.

He held out a hand. Apologized for yelling.
And we hugged.

So to have this man wave to me this morning.
I can say.
My run, not the epic run I had dreamed of.
My run was still sweet.

Confrontation

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 04:02:00 +0000

Do you have any words that immediately bring a song to mind?
I have dozens, if not hundreds.

For example: Predominantly (which I prefer to spell Predominately)

Nice word.
Immediately drops me into an Eminem lyric.

That's not exactly what happens with Confrontation.
Not the word.
The suffix.

ATION

This is a recent phenomena.

B.o.B. linked to a YouTube video for his song: Dr. Aden

Almost every line ends with an ATION suffixed word.
Justification, nation, vacation, civilization, situation, obligation...

In fact. I think he uses every word except confrontation.
Dr. Aden by the way is from a very cool B.o.B. mixtape: No Genre

So tonight I'm writing about a confrontation.
I think that's the right word for it.

In our 6 year old soccer game today, we had a confrontation situation.

I am so LUCKY to have my Dad helping me coach both kids' soccer teams this fall.
With our 6 year old team, he guides the Defense and I take care of the Offense.

Because the kids are young, in fact most of our team is 5-year-olds, we stand on the field with the players.
It helps.
Correct direction.
Help the kids find the ball.
Stop spinning in circles. Literally, I mean like they're doing a dizzy bat race.
Stop playing in mud.

The kids really need the extra assistance out there on the field.
If we want the game to resemble soccer.

Today, near our team's goal, the opponent kicked a ball that was headed out of bounds.
On its way, the ball hit my Dad's leg and continued out of play.

It was actually kinda funny.

Until.

"OH COME ON!"

Um.

"GET OFF THE FIELD!!!"

Hmmm.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!"

Well.

So here we have a parent on the opposing team.
Screaming at my Dad from the sideline.

Oh.
Um. Maybe it's a joke?

No.
Guy is standing with a confrontational posture.

Weird.

My Dad and I don't deal well with bad parents.
We don't deal well with criticism of volunteers.
We, selfishly I suppose, definitely don't deal well with criticism of US!

Ha.

So, I respond.

"Um. Stop yelling dude"

"HE NEEDS TO GET OFF THE FIELD!"

Oh.
I would have expected a different reaction.

Now, my Dad goes immediately from happy defensive coordinator to steam-coming-out-of-ears.

That's why I woke up this morning.
So I could physically restrain my Dad because some jerk is screaming at him during a youth soccer game.

Wait.

I woke up this morning to take a leisurely bike ride.
Acclimate to the cooler temperature. Experience the strong winds (40+MPH) as predicted.

So, I have my Dad yelling at this guy now.

Our family has been involved with this youth athletic league for 24 years.
Since I was 7.
We take some pride in that.
And we KNOW how the games are supposed to WORK.

The kids have fun.
They learn a little bit about the sport.
Hopefully, the experience was good. And they come back next year.

This is not serious.
This is not competitive.
And if we're gonna have a parent violate those ideas.
He's gonna get corrected early.

OK.
Let me lighten the mood.

"OK sir. I'll review the Instant Replay"

He keeps yelling.
He's quite serious.

Fine.
I can barely keep my Dad restrained.
I mean restrained with what he's gonna say to this guy.

I want to lead the conversation.
We've already got ONE problem.
We don't need more.

"Sir. Try to keep in mind.
These are 6 year olds.
5 year olds.
KEEP SOME PERSPECTIVE."

Mind you, we had switched sides of the field at half time.
So I'm doing all of this right in the middle of ALL of the other team's parents.

Not to mention.
Inevitably in front of my neighbors.
Past, current and future classmates of my kids.
Past, current and future players on teams I have coached. Am coaching. Will coach.

Completely irks me.

Guy yells one final time.
I reiterate that we'll consult the Instant Replay.

Done.

That's right. Now where were we?
They kicked it over the End Line behind our goal.
Let's set up the goal kick.

Times like this I wish I wore a heart rate monitor.
Because it is NOT easy to flip a switch back to happy little coach.
For me or my Dad.

Ugh.

And that's how my morning went.

And it can't end there.
That wouldn't be fun.

Now.
I read the news. Alot.
I like to know the world around me.
I know that people are popping off every day.
I do not want confrontation.
I like peace.
OK.

The game ends.
Our kids are happy. They had a fun game.
And I hope they didn't absorb too much of the drama.

I WANT to explain.
Talk to the kids and parents.
Give THEM the perspective.

But no.
First, lets have the teams shake hands after the game.

Line up at mid-field.
Right hand out.
"Good game. Good game."
Etc.

Well this is a nice development.
Not only is JERK an overly vocal PARENT.
Nope.
He's also the assistant COACH.

Walking out to the field to shake hands.

"Uh. Dad.
I think it's best if you just leave now.
:-)"

Grudgingly, he does.

So we high-five the other team.
I shake the head coach's hand.
She was so nice.

Last.
The assistant COACH.
The yelling PARENT.
And. Ha. The head coach's HUSBAND.
Perfect!

We have an extended handshake.
We talk midfield for 5 minutes.

It takes 4 minutes for him to apologize.

I'm not really interested in replaying what he had to say.
Because he had a very narrow view.
"Your team had 2 coaches on the field and your Dad was in the way."

I'm sorry.
I made a little list above.
It involved 5-year-old kids spinning in circles playing in mud.
Yeah.
We're gonna try to avoid that.

So among my recommendations for this COACH/PARENT/HUSBAND.
If he wants to yell at VOLUNTEER COACHES in a FIVE and SIX year old soccer league.
He needs to find a different league.

If he doesn't correct his behavior NOW.
It will get worse.

It is not fair to his child.

I ended the conversation.
A conversation that could have continued aimlessly for another 5 minutes.
I ended with this.

"And by the way. My name is Mike. And I'll probably see you out here for the next 13 years."

I hope he gets it.
Got it.

YOU know how it works.
Our kids, next season, could just as easily be teammates. Or classmates.
We could be co-coaches.

THINK about your impact.

And try to do BETTER.
It will make you a better COACH.
PARENT.
PERSON.

After the game, my kids and I walked across the parking lot to the playground.
They played with a girl on our team.
I talked with her mom.

We talked about the confrontation.
And why some parents push too far.

The best part of that conversation.
Was her recommendation.

Bill Cosby - Himself

It gives you a chance to laugh at yourself as a parent.
To laugh at your kids.

To not take all of this so seriously.

I Invented Swag

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 03:14:00 +0000

No I didn't.
Jay-Z claims he did.

I love that song.
Otis from Watch the Throne.

I love it. But it is eating me alive.
I NEED to listen to it once per day.
Eventually that urge will wane.

Fine.

I didn't invent swag.

But I did invent this version of Soccer Freeze Tag.

Our 6 year old team had so much fun with that game yesterday.

We may have even learned a little bit of soccer while playing it.

I had to introduce tag (there was another tag game to start practice) because kids were playing tag when we were supposed to be doing the KICKOFF in last weekend's game.

And right now, tag is my kids' favorite outdoor game.
We play it all the time.
Almost every day.

I sustained my first tag related injury on Monday.

Had the day off work.
Took the kids to the park.

Among other activities: Bikes, Golf, Soccer, Scooter.
We played tag at the playground for about 20 minutes.

I was overdoing it for entertainment value.
Swinging over their heads.
Climbing on top of the monkey bars.
Going a little too fast.

It was very fun.

Until the gym 2 days later.

My arms hurt.
My abs hurt.
I couldn't even do my crunches (3 sets of 40 on a decline bench).

I love how we can be in good shape but still have so many neglected muscle groups.
Working on my Tag Fitness.

I'm glad we all enjoy a simple game like tag right now.

As the kids get older, I am less of a pillar of entertainment.
There are many other diversions.
Already.

Friends. (See Play Date)
Television.
Video Games.
Computer.
Sports.

The kids no longer need Mom and Dad to fill in the blanks.
They need us to help keep the filling balanced.

Play Date

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 02:24:00 +0000

From yesterday's post about home phone telemarketers.

My wife and I did enjoy a few magical years without a landline home phone.
We took pride in our cellular independence.

Home phone number?
Joke.

Oh but then I got worried.
It happens. From time to time.

Had a couple little kids bouncing around the house.
And a few influential experiences.

Started thinking about situations where we'd need to call 911.
And though the technology has improved, I still believe that a landline is THE guaranteed way for emergency services to know a call is coming from my HOME.
My landline = My location

Read about the Wireless and VoIP 911 stuff on Wikipedia to see what I mean.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enhanced_9-1-1#Wireless_enhanced_911

Landline didn't ring once today BTW.

Play Date
I had a conversation after getting out of the pool this morning.
I did various strokes and kickboard.
But I don't think I actually talked about swimming.

It is the Year 2011.
Parenting has changed since I was a kid back in the 80's and to an extent the 90's.

We are a little cutesy.
A little over the top.
A little helicopterish.

One thing we've done is taken the following conversation from my childhood:
"Hi, this is Mike's mom. Would your son Bobby like to come over and play?"

And we've changed it into this:
"Hi, would Bobby like to have a playdate?"

Now, this may imply some formality.
Stricter scheduling.
Exclusivity.

But that's not how I use the word.

I just use it as a 21st century substitute like so:
"Would your son Bobby like to come over for a playdate?"

There is no implied advanced scheduling. The schedule is immediate.
Other kids can be involved in the playdate.
And there's no structured activities or anything.

OK.
That's how I use the word.

But other parents and other kids THINK that playdate requires formality.
I use that assumption as a form of defense.

Call me crazy.
Call me mean.

But even though my kids are young, I've already picked a few children that they are not allowed to play with.

Various reasons:

The kids are mean
The parents are freaking nuts/alcoholic
The kids have no respect for the property of others
The kids have "seen too much"

Let me expand on that last one quickly.

I had a sheltered childhood.

I don't think intentionally.

My kids are relatively sheltered, also.

Although at times (and I'll explain this another day), I probably reveal too much about how the world really works.

"Seen too much" can mean things like a rough upbringing.

Seeing things like domestic abuse.

Like older siblings or friends that can corrupt.

Which means that I can't have them influencing my innocent little kids.

Not this early anyway.

Not if I have any control of it.

Which I at least think I do.

Anyway.

"Play Date" is used as a deterrent when approached by children that my kids can't play with.

If I say they have a Play Date, there's no further conversation needed.

First of all, the Play Date is probably exclusive. Can't add another kid.

Secondly, it suggests that bad-kid's parents would need to coordinate a Play Date. And since that won't happen, that's the end of the idea.

Again.

It's not very nice. But I've dealt with too many mean kids in my 31 years to NOT intervene.

And all it takes is a cutesy little "Play Date" to accomplish my goal.

Use it or lose it

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 21:13:00 +0000

The last race I wrote about was a satisfactory yet ultimately disappointing experience.
I had done as much as I could to prepare for a 100 mile run in 24 hours.
My 4th attempt.
And I failed.

That was mid-July.

I usually reduce my training in August to recover.
Until we took an Irene-shortened trip to the beach at the end of August, I ran only twice.

I ran 5 times at the beach.
We came back home. I stopped running again.

Labor Day weekend I participated in a race that I was completely unprepared for.
Not just undertrained.
I paid almost zero attention to mentally preparing.
I typed the race address into my Droid's GPS and let it guide me to the starting line on race morning.

That was the Labor Pain 12-hour Trail Race. or something like that.
I figured, despite the lack of training, that I still had endurance left over from Jan-July ultra training.

Use it or lose it.

I ran 45 miles on a 5-mile trail loop.
It was...
Words can't do it justice.

It was just what I needed.

Then I stopped running again.

Maybe a run here or there.

Annual local sprint triathlon, Marshman Triathlon, 2 weeks later on Sep 13th.
I had been swimming regularly at the gym, so I knew the Swim would be OK.
Severely neglected my bike. It just hasn't been convenient to get out.
And for a 2-mile run. I should have worked on speed. At least a little.

But the race went well.
Despite a link in my bike chain beginning to break 4 miles into the 12 mile course.

Then my chain broke on my way home. 4 miles from home.
My wife picked me up. Her truck broke down 2 miles from home.
$310 later the truck was repaired. $2 later my bike was ready to go.

Not sure how much biking I'll be doing this fall and winter.
Would love to get out on Saturday mornings.

Which brings me to now.
On Monday, I started running immediately after the kids' earlier-because-of-school bedtime.
The fall night-time weather is so inviting.

Ran 4 days this week and tomorrow I have a 50K trail race.
Blues Cruise 50K.

Like the 12-hour Labor Pain race, I go into it with minimal prep.
No goals.
No expectations.
No pressure.
No stress.

I'm once again counting on residual endurance.

Use it or lose it.

2011 20in24 Enchanted Race Report

noreply@blogger.com (Mike of FailureToDetectSarcasm.com) — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 21:10:00 +0000

Last weekend I participated in The 4th Annual Stroehmann Back on My Feet 20in24 Relay Challenge, Lone Ranger Ultra Marathon, Midnight Madness Run & Pajama Loop event in Philadelphia.
In case you have already stopped reading out of exhaustion, specifically I did the Lone Ranger portion.

Oh. Welcome back. Yes. We will call it the 20in24 for short.

OK.

4th time I've done this race.
4th race report.
Same 8.4 mile loop. Run it as many times as you can in 24 hours.
Same pictures of the same stuff.
Oh boy, contain your excitement.

However, this past week, my recovery week, a new friend of mine commented that compared to her life, my life is a fairy tale.
So be it.

Once upon a time...
The queen of BOMF kingdom proclaimed that the knights in the land would compete in a series of games.

This 11th year of the 2nd millennium, 200 chosen knights would face the queen's ultimate challenge, the Lone Ranger.
Named after Sir Lone Ranger, himself once a valiant knight. Along with his steed, Silver.

The knights would be arranged along the kingdom's most grueling circuit, the River Trail of Schuylkill, measuring a full 68 furlongs. There they would remain through sunrise, sunset and sunrise again.
The knights would battle along the circuit, both among themselves and among the local inhabitants, creatures and villains at every turn. He who survived would be awarded in gold. Or a check for $3,000.

A liberal kingdom, male and female knights alike were in competition, indistinguishable behind their armor.

In preparation for the arduous task, during the preceding evening, I had taken my son, young prince Goodles, to the village eatery, Chick-Fil-A. There we were entertained and erected a tent to enjoy the splendor of activities well into the evening.

Alas, our choice of venue was leveraged against me. With close proximity to the village of Whelihan, my enemies had coordinated a pre-competition attack.
Sir PJ of Whelihan and his collar-popped trolls provoked an auditory battle well after the moon had risen. When the son arose, the effects were clear.
I had not slept. With a sunset and sunrise still ahead, the true challenge of the day had been set.

I then traveled from the village of Downingtown to prove my worthiness to my family and earn my place among the knights of the kingdom.

In the hours before the events commenced, all knights were visited by the Doctor of Medicine.

He would inspect the strength of our hearts, the sanity of our heads, and ensure that we were free from spells and enchantments. While his approval was necessary for competition, once the event began, any tricks we had would be at our disposal. And our enemies' disposal.

The knights gathered, outfitted in their village's finest armor.

The games were launched by the singing of the Kingdom's anthem.

Cannons were fired and the competition was underway!

As with most knightly competitions, the ferocity of battle lie far ahead.
The kingdom's other challenges would surface first.

The initial challenge would loom over us for hours.
The golden dragon, rising in the east, hovering above. Waiting.

The queen had approved provisions along the circuit.
We also performed a degree of self-sufficiency.
A pacifist knight (rare in the kingdom), I solely possessed a canteen of artificially sweetened elixir swirling with electrolytic dust.

Despite the battle at hand, local peasants frolicked along the circuit, unaware of the hell that we knights were facing.

After the first 68 furlongs, the dragon had risen to a peak in the sky.
Steam seeping from her nostrils.

We continued, unabated by the moat crossings.

Fortune provided us with well-timed drawbridge placements.

We focused on our task. Ignoring false idols.

Escaping the gravitation of the pyramid's steps as they swept peasants skyward.

The dragon was the first to attack, sweeping her fire along both sides of the moat.

Our protection was thin but effective enough to counter the UVA and UVB attack.

Twice 'round the circuit and I had survived.

Vikings also plagued the circuit. Unprovoked, they set out in the moat.

For the tiring knight, he would need to avoid the vikings as they moved their ships.

The 3rd round, my elixir however must have been prematurely removed from the fire. My stomach reacted in vain.
With each step, the weight of the armor grew until I was reduced to a stumble. 68 Long furlongs.

The dragon's attack continued, though as it waned, the other village creatures began to stir.

The 4th round I found hope.
Some knights were stymied. Felled by the dragon. Taken to the infirmary. Or worse. Back to their village.
Other knights forged ahead unabated. Angels floating in the sky.

I remained on the circuit. My progress often delayed by mandatory visits to the Doctor of Medicine. He had to measure the fire in my ear. And the pressure of my blood. Each round, he permitted me to continue.

On the 5th round, like the cry of a damsel in distress, I was struck by a deafening sound.
My mind. It was failing.
Despite my strength, I had fallen victim to an enchantment. It had the telltale signs of Sir PJ of Whelihan. While I continued the march through the circuit, my eyes grew heavy.
I looked at my hand. There pulsating in the moonlight, a fresh branding on my forehand: RvW.

This could mean only one thing.
I stopped. I shouted (in a cellular manner) to my fair maiden at home in the village, minding our princess.
She confirmed. The curse of Rip van Winkle. With only one cure.

I returned to the grounds of the castle, the Hall of Lloyd.

Greeted by a pack of rabbits, I was welcomed to their burrow.
They were rapidly traversing the circuit as well. One at a time.
Relaying their message, "Sure Victory! Sure Victory!"
But for whom?

I promptly entered a deep sleep.
Ages passed. My hair and beard grew long. My feet, they blistered. My legs, swelled.

I was awakened by a communication from my maiden. A message of text.
"12 hours in. Be safe. Fight on!"

I sprung to my feet. Guzzled my elixir. Affixed a candle to my forehead.
340 furlongs behind me (you may know that as 42 of your miles), I reentered the competition.

Nighttime along the circuit, all sorts of treachery abounded.
A knight was attacked by an ogre.

The queen ordered additional protection. Members of the royal guard spread out on the course.
Their carriages branded. PPD.

Ye there was also joviality.
Hundreds of illuminated peasants, proceeding opposite our course along the circuit.
Crying chants of encouragement.
Local peasants exploding mortars, with brilliant streaks of light in the sky.

Through 6 rounds.

My spirit was still strong.

The 7th round, I encountered a ladybug fairy. She was swept along by a tornado.
I planted myself in their midst and rode the tornado along the circuit, pausing to acknowledge a fallen Warrior along Mile 54. "Warriorman" Rick.

The 8th round, my luck had once again been challenged.
Walking the east side of the moat, through the enchanted forest.

I was quietly approached by a witch.
She walked alongside me and started to converse.

She attempted to disguise her evil. Her aura however was charcoal. Black. Decay.
Her attention consumed within gazes at her mirror, I escaped.

I would however need assistance.
Assistance appeared in the form of a fleet footed elf just ahead on the circuit.
We discussed the witch and her weapon. Deception. We pushed ahead.

Entering the 9th round, I maintained course with the elf. He personally enduring his 13th round. Our advancement was undeterred.

The sun began to rise again. A new day born.
The end within sight. Victory uncertain. But victory unnecessary.
Survival in the end. That was the queen's true test.

While a knight would be crowned the victor, he was but one small story of success in battle.

The 10th round. More enchantments. The witch had uttered an incantation.
34 furlongs into this 10th and final round of the circuit, my left knee was damaged within my armor. No visible marks, my leg grew stiff.

The elf and I parted ways and I limped back to the castle once again under the eye of the golden dragon. My progress slow. Furlong after agonizing furlong.
Tears filled my helmet. However, the Viking land was within view.

With but 13 minutes remaining in the competition, 84 miles later, I was welcomed back to the Hall of Lloyd.

My left leg now immobile, I gathered my gear and as before communicated with my fair maiden. She arrived to bring me back to the village.

We returned to our home, prince and princess in tow.
I climbed into the well and let the cold water heal my legs.
I climbed into bed and let sleep, unenchanted sleep, heal my mind.

And when I awoke, the tale of the prior sunrises.
It was not a dream.

For All of the knights. Who had competed. Who had celebrated. Not to seek the award of gold, but to return it to the most vulnerable peasants. We had grown and We will live Happily Ever After.

The End