I know that last year I blogged about my struggle with depression and medications. I am going to be honest – for awhile it was a losing battle. This time last year I was in a bad BAD place. I started in late Feb early March trying to get off the anti-depressants I was on. Cymbalta is a great drug, and it helps to suppress the pain receptors in the brain so it is often prescribed for lupus patients. But for me it had stopped working and despite upping my dose, I was crying myself to sleep every night. I had been on the higher dose for about 8 months at that point – and had been crying myself to sleep for almost a year. So I decided to talk to my doc about getting off them.

I did it right. We stepped me off the meds. It took weeks. 7 days totally off the meds, I was still have the withdraw side effects – and they were getting worse. I called the doc hysterical. They saw me 50 mins later. It is a solid 45 min drive from my house to their office. That day I started a new medication. And things started looking up, but I started having anxiety attacks. No big, right? They gave me xanax just in case I had them during the transition. I didn’t take them often. The anxiety continued.

By August it was getting bad, but I didn’t want to admit it.

By Labor Day weekend it came to a head. That Sunday I was in Atlanta having a great time with friends and ended up a mess. I didn’t sleep that night, but laid in bed shaking, nausea rolled through me, sweating. I was still in denial and convinced myself it was just food poisoning or something. I finally took a xanax in the morning. I took the next day off work.

On Wednesday I was back at the doc and changed meds again. That one wasn’t good for anxiety. I changed meds 2 more times before the end of the year. I didn’t leave my house for most of the month of September. I emerged to go to the baby shower of my bestie, Danielle, in CA. Her dad had a free ticket on SW and he was awesome enough to let me have it!

October was rough. November a little better. December a little better still.

Now here we are a year later. I still have sad moments, but nothing like this time last year. I finished my MBA, I got the SPHR certification, I am designing again, I am leaving the house, I am having a great time. I am going to CA this weekend to see Danielle and baby Sloane! I have a kitten! And Rozz and Eva who are the best! Things are so much better than this time last year, that it is like I have a different life.

The point of all this? well, I had been thinking about posting about this awhile, but the last few days I was having a great discussion on twitter about the stigma of mental illness and I wanted to share my last year. It is very hard to live with lupus – it affects everything and the pain is something I just can’t describe. It affects my mental health – I always had moments of moodiness, but after my diagnosis I really went down the spiral. I fought taking anything. I tried getting off meds. All because I was convinced that I could do it without and I didn’t want people to think I was weak or crazy. THAT is crazy. There is no reason for me to live in sadness and pain.

OK – gratuitous kitten picture – just for hanging in there!!!

Then in late June I took the Senior Professional in Human Resources exam. And passed!!!

I won’t lie – it was hard. I have a full time job – which I work very hard at – and have been knitting. Plus, a lot of work and personal travel this spring and summer – so it was a lot of work on top of everything. And the exam – yikes. I almost got up and left in the middle I was so convinced I would fail.

I am very proud to have finished both – they were both goals that I had set for myself – so now I need to go find some new big life goals!

Recently I made Little Miss and her cousin matching piggies! She and cousin are both 8 months old – so it is easy to make them things together!

Little Miss and Bacon! (Is that a handknit blanket I see there? Why yes, it is the Serenity blanket I made her!)

Cousin P and Hammy!

Pattern: Amigurumi Pig 70589AD
Yarn: Encore Worsted
Hook: G
Mods: I didn’t do two colors on these and I sewed on eyes instead of using safety eyes. I didn’t have any at the house!

Kaylee says: They were mine first!

Anyway…today our little one is 4 months old! Meet – KAYLEE!!!

In mid-June Kaylee and her sister Zoe came to Olivia and me from a shelter in Atlanta that Olivia has been volunteering at. They climbed into Olivia’s purse and begged to come home. So they did – and I met Olivia in Greenville, SC, for the great kitten exchange.

She is the sweetest kitten. Very energetic. This morning, I woke up to her purring at me and staring at me and then snuggling me when I woke up.

Rozz and Eva are not really amused. Still.

They don’t actively HATE her any more, though. Of course with a face like this, who could??

You’ll notice there are a lot of pics of her sleeping. When she isn’t sleeping, she is running. Chasing her brother or sister. Playing with toys. Always running!!!

I am so thrilled to have rescued Kaylee from the shelter. She is really a total sweetie pie. In the morning after we get up, she plays for a bit, then she comes and cuddles with me for 20-30 minutes while I work. Every morning. We have a few of those sessions every day!

I don’t think I have anything else to say about her. I just wanted a reason for more pics!

Oh – one last thing! You can follow Kaylee on Twitter – @teamkayleekitty

In the last installment of the MGYC I provided one of the goodies – an awesome sachet to mach the yarn full of clove and cedar goodness!

I had SO much fun picking out the fabric for that! BTW, if you happened to be in the club last year or you really just like that fabric, I do have a some left and will do special orders of sachets, bags or coffee cozies out of it.

The next MGYC sign ups went up today and trust me – you want in! I am doing something this year, but I am not telling you what. I will say it will be different from last year! Get in now! There are some GREAT things planned and I am SUPER EXCITED to be involved!!!!

Come on, you know you love the Mean Girls!

Enjoy! They are a fast, fun knit and I had a great time designing them!

PS if you are wondering – that is my super awesome hot pink Coach bag that I got a SWEET deal on in January!

This is the smaller basket that I got this month – for $11.50 I got all that! It is amazing!

What is even more amazing is that Your Neighborhood Produce offers a Blessing Basket. For $17.50 one of the regular baskets (includes all the same stuff as the small basket but more of it) is donated to a local family.

Now … here is where you can do something to help without spending any money at all! Your Neighborhood Produce has entered in the Pepsi Refresh Project to provide fresh produce and nutrition guidance. From the Pepsi Refresh Project site:

Deliverables:

* 100 baskets per month for 50 families for 1 year
* Nutritious food choices that would otherwise be cost prohibitive
* 50 families educated on the reduced risk of some chronic diseases when fruits and vegetables are a regular part of one’s diet
* Children of the above families more alert and able to learn at school with the addition of good nutrition in their diets
* Increased consumption of fruits and vegetables for families where “junk” food is easily accessible

Each family would get 2 baskets a month. These are local families in the Monroe, NC, area (just outside of Charlotte). If you have a minute, please go vote for this project (you will have to log in) and check out some of the other really cool projects. You can vote every day through April 30th and you get 10 votes a day to use on 10 different projects. The top 10 projects in the category will get funding.

Thanks! I hope that everyone can enjoy some healthy, fresh produce.

Things here were…interesting. I have changed meds and finally gotten on something that is working for me. And in that time I have been told that I am no longer in remission for my lupus. Sucks, but hey, it happens. I have done a lot of knitting. And I have done a lot working. I am planning to start blogging again – I have a couple cool things I want to review on here, so that will get me started again. I have a couple new designs that I can talk about (and a few that will be coming out soon!).

Mostly, I have been trying to take care of myself and not let everything fall apart – but things have been good for a bit now, so that’s good

For her first Easter, I knit for Sloane, her new baby cousin Presley and her older, wiser, 16 year old cousin, Presley’s sister, Abbie.

Details:
Sophie by Ysolda Teague
Bunny Nuggets by Rebecca Danger
Yarn: Lambs Pride Cotton Fleece
Needles: US #3
Notions: polyfil, embroidery floss, plastic eggs, ribbon, pompoms

These were a fast and easy knit. Each nugget took me an hour start to finish including the faces and all. they have little pom pom tails, which I cheated and bought instead of making as the pattern says. I am lazy, what can I say? Sophie was a joy to knit. And as a bonus, she and Sloane are BFFs! Sophie had a ribbon on her ear, but Sloane loves Sophie so much, Danielle wisely took the ribbon off to keep it out of baby’s mouth! The eyes, btw, are french knots, so nothing to choke baby (and I did part of the mouth, both eyes and then the rest of the mouth, then anchored the hell out of it to keep them from coming out.

thanks to D who took the pics – bc I forgot! If I had asked her for permission I would have posted a pic of Sloane with Sophie, but I didn’t and while I have her permission to post other pics that I have of her, I don’t want to go posting baby pics all over the place!