Letting go of our need for everyone to know we are right when we are.

Letting go of trying to make other people like us all the time.

Letting go of trying to live up to other people’s expectation of us — real or imagined.

Letting go of the pedestals we put people and the overpriced value we place on their impressions of us.

So, what do we hold to then?

Hold on to our identity. The one as seen through God’s eyes. Not the God, as defined by someone else — a mentor, a leader, or an abuser, a bully — the God that we discover for ourselves. The God that we get to know in the quiet whispers of intimate conversation, pouring out our fears and hopes.

Who is God? What does He want of me? What would make Him happy? How can I live my life that would be a blessing to others?

These are not questions to be defined and answered by someone else, no matter how wise or experienced the world may credit them to be. And definitely not by systems and theories from books, or gurus, regardless of where they place on the NY Times best seller list.

These are also not questions to be limited by the pain and abuse lashed out by broken people.

These questions, oh, they are also not questions that can be answered once and never looked at again.

No. These are questions that can only be answered through an ever evolving lifetime of constant, personal and intimate conversations with God, taking turns to talk, and listen.

Why? Because your answers will be YOURS. Not a template. Not someone else’s misguided attempts to live vicariously through you. Not someone’s misplaced hopes for acceptance and purpose by trying “save” you.

——-
This is my letter to myself. It is my unique and special answers from God, for now.

Don’t copy me. Write your own.

Make a Frittata!

This works even if Sunday dinner was spaghetti. Use your common sense of course, yesterday’s bak kut teh is not going to do well as a frittata. But a vegetarian paella is perfect!

Here is my go to Frittata base:

250ml milk
125ml double cream
4 eggs
Handful of whatever cheese I have (usually cheddar and romano)

Whisk everything together, then add the leftovers and pour the lot into pie dish.

Bake at 180°C for 45 minutes until set all the way through and golden on top.

Leave to cool in the pan for 15 minutes before turning out onto a plate.

And there u have it, a brand new meal that is also great as a cold lunch the next day. Leftovers twice over! Makes your head spin, doesn’t it?

This is the vegetarian paella that Marcia made.

Marcia’s Vegetarian Paella (serves 4)

Dash of Olive oil

1 cup tofu, diced

1/2 cup black olives

1/2 cup zucchini (yellow), diced

1/2 cup zucchini (green), diced

1/2 cup eggplant, diced

1 cup tomatoes, peeled & diced

1 Tbsp tomato paste or 3 Tbsp tomato sauce

2 medium onions (yellow), diced

2 cloves garlic, minced

1/2 cup green peppers, diced

1/2 cup peas

1 tsp paprika

A good pinch of saffron threads, dissolved in 4 cups of stock (chicken or vegetable)

Ground black pepper

2 cups rice

Chopped parsley, as much as you like

Serve with lemon quarters

1. Prepare all the ingredients. Have it ready. It will make cooking easier and more enjoyable.

2. Heat the olive oil in a non-stick frying pan. Add onions and garlic, sweat. Then add the peppers and sweat for a few more minutes.

3. Add the tofu, tomatoes, eggplant, zucchini, paprika and tomato paste. Then add 2 cups of the saffron infused stock.

4. Place rice in a cross-way. Stir gently and then allow to simmer until the liquid has been absorbed. Add the rest of the stock once the first liquid has been absorbed. This can take 20-25 minutes.

5. When the rice has almost fully absorbed all the stock, tumble olives and peas over the top. Stirring occasionally, until rice is perfectly cooked.

6. Sprinkle in the parsley and few minutes before it has finished cooking. Serve hot or cold, the next day. Can keep for a few days.

And now, the banter…

Two things I know about myself:

1) I’m a stickler for how things are pronounced. Like how we don’t pronouce the ‘w’ in sword, or the ‘b’ in debt. So, years ago, on a trip to San Diego, I learned that in Spanish, two Ls (“ll”) make a “y” sound and the J makes a “h” sound. So to me, this Spanish dish will always be “pah-aye-yah” not “pah-ell-lah”. It’s not pretentious unless I think it makes me a better person. It doesn’t. The truth is, I mess up a lot of times, so if I can get something right, I try to.

2) I am frightfully forgetful. So once I learn something, I’m obsessed with putting my new knowledge to work, because I believe that once I use it, chances are, I won’t lose it.

Which is why, just a week after learning how to make paella from my friend Marcia (a graduate from Le Cordon Bleu), I had to make it for the Sunday lunch I was hosting for a few of the girls.

Here’s what I learned from my time spent with Marcia:

1. Have everything ready. Measure what needs to be measured. Chop what needs chopping. Have it all ready so that when it comes time to cook, I’m not running around like a headless chicken, trying to get the ingredients done right. I know how this may seem like a no brainer to you, but my kitchen is TINY. There is hardly any countertop space to mise en place. But it makes so much of a better difference that I re-organised my kitchen and made the space.

2. We eat with our eyes first, then our tastebuds. Again, a no brainer, right? But I barely have fridge space to store food, much less GARNISH. Except, the bright green parsley that Marcia sprinkled onto the saffron tinted rice actually made it taste better! Now that I can deal with because it’s not a useless decoration, but an ingredient that lifts the food to the next level of taste. And, it isn’t just about garnishing. It can be a simple act of wiping the smudges from rim of the plate, or just taking the extra second to twirl the linguine into a little mound onto the middle of a plain white plate.

3. Measurements matter. So if it says 1 cup of tomatoes, it’s ONE cup. Not 2, not 3. This was terribly difficult for me because what do I do with the 1/3 tomato leftover? But this dish is all about balance. We want to taste paella with every bite. Not Eggplant rice one moment and Tomato rice the next. Although, that in itself could be a novel cuisine. Imagine, getting a different taste from the same dish with each mouthful. That could be interesting, couldn’t it? Anyway, if you’re wondering, I made a Frittata with the leftover ingredients. It’s like how I make custard whenever I make macarons — because the macarons need 4 egg whites, and my custard recipe uses 4 egg yolks. Waste not, want not.

4. When making paella, pour the rice into the pan in the shape of an X (or +, depending on your perspective). OK, this one I can only say is just one of those traditions that I have no idea why. My friend thinks it’s probably a religious act, akin to a prayer, something along the lines of “Dear God, I’ve got 10 hungry girls waiting, please help me not screw up this main dish?”.

And with that said, here’s MY attempt at vegetarian paella:

As you can see, I LOVE parsley and olives.

I know that some would say that mine is not a real paella because it isn’t made in a paella pan. The paella pan I found costs *cough* SGD$200. Let’s put it this way, this was made in Singapore by a Chinese. I don’t think the type of pan matters anymore.

Has anyone ever considered that maybe GCB gets so much fodder each week simply because they are just taking the nonsense enacted by some people claiming to be Christians and caricaturing them?

And trust me, there is nonsense out there. Take for this one episode in GCB where the Pastor is organizing a christian singles social night and he invites three couples to be the all-star examples to “inspire” and “educate” the singles on how to be better people and thereby snag good Christian spouses. Except, the viewer knows the shenanigans each of these couples are up to, and no one is winning any “all-star” award here.

I wish I could say that this was pure hogwash. BUT…

I was invited to join a cell for couples and the person facilitating said to me that she and her husband felt called to be the examples of a healthy marriage so as to inspire others. She actually said, “(insert husband’s name) and I want to be the examples to these couples. Our marriage is doing so well and hopefully they can learn from us.”

Hubris, much?

This is why Christians get a bad rep. We go around saying politically correct jargon like “I’m not perfect, I’m still learning and growing in Christ…” and then we also say “…look at me, be inspired by me, learn from me…”. No wonder we lose respect. No wonder we are called hypocrites.

Because we are so desperately clawing our way up on the pedestal that we don’t care who we shove off — even if it is Jesus Christ himself.

We say that we embrace and love all because Jesus ate with tax-collectors and prostitutes. But Jesus didn’t eat with smokers, that’s why we make sure the Youth Leaders know enough not to let our kids too much spend time with that tattooed-2-pack-a-day kid.

We are so busy running programs to increase the size of the church family that we don’t have time to chill and cultivate authentic friendships.

We reiterate that no one but Jesus has the right to judge, while concluding that someone is spiritually bereft just because they don’t agree with us or don’t do what we expect of them.

We insist we are developing disciples for Christ, but discourage diversity, subtly cultivating carbon copies of ourselves.

We don’t gossip. We just share “pertinent information” with others so that their prayers for that poor soul can have more power, because God really needs all that information. Omniscient is just a big word for “You may know everything, but I know better”.

I think it was Ghandi who said “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

Sometimes, we make it too easy for people to make caricatures of us. Or worse, discount Christ because of us.

I like Christ. And there are many Christians that I like too. They are the ones that don’t try to live up to other people’s expectations, just Christ’s. They can’t be be bothered with being examples for others because they are too busy following Christ’s.

I may have been introduced to Christianity because of a person, but I am still a Christian because of Christ.

You’re going round and round in circles. The lesson hurts and you tell yourself that you won’t do it again, you reflect, you figure out the whys the hows and you pray and ask God for strength and you feel better. You think you’ve fixed the issue. Then months pass, (or if you’re me on a bad day, it’s hours) and BAM! Something triggers old wounds and you’re right back in that same spot again.

Round and round in circles. They say the mark of insanity is doing the same things over and over again but expecting different results. And I said to my husband, I want to stop but it’s so hard. And he said, no. It’s easy. Really.

How do you stop going round in circles? Just turn left or right.

Go in the opposite direction.

Pick the very opposite of what you have always done. If you have been meek and quiet, speak up. If you’ve been loud and brash, shut up.

I know, talk is cheap and trust me, I struggle with turning a different direction all the time. It’s different. Different is new. New is unfamiliar. Unfamiliar requires effort.

Going down the same road doesn’t require effort. I’ve done it all my life, I don’t have to think about it. But turning another way, now that takes a lot of strength and self-awareness. Something we don’t have a lot of when we are in the midst of extreme emotions, like sorrow, anger, fear…

I don’t have a magical solution. I wish I did. I would write a book, earn thousands.

The only answer I have is … Well, some things take time.

Yeah, I know. Giving stuff time sucks. Between the horrible now and the wonderful future, there’s living in the in-between of “oh this hurts like crap. Make it stop!”

But if it took 36 years for me to hone the art of walking in one direction, it may just take me another many years until walking in the opposite direction becomes as natural as breathing air.

At the risk of sounding utterly cliched: try PRAYER.

I know, so unoriginal, right? But it isn’t. It is the one thing that keeps me going. Even if it means I have to do it again, every other minute, to keep going.

As the song goes, “It’s takes a little time, sometimes, to get your feet back on the ground. So, give it time.”

So, I was thinking about “love languages” while washing dishes. And it seems so easy, right? Write a letter. Buy a gift. Do housework…

Rubbish. You don’t do housework because it’s a love language of service! You do it cuz it’s your house and if you don’t do it, who will?

And find me a child who will say: yes it’s ok if my parents never spend time with me but buy me toys all the time because my love language is gifts.

The point I am trying to make here is: sure, buy a book and expand your knowledge but don’t be so quick to buy into every single theory and fad out there. Use your own brains.

My suggestion? Take the time to understand someone and all their patterns and quirks. Stop trying to find that magical “love language”. It’s lazy. It’s selfish. Relationships are not tasks that you try to find efficient ways to complete. Human beings are living, breathing, ever evolving creatures, that take a lifetime of discovery and still, you won’t know everything that makes us tick. So, brace ourselves, switch our mindsets to “adventure” mode and enjoy the ride.

I had stitched together a little video of my furbabies triumph over the evil Ikea paper lamp. It’s not really evil, but you try telling it to the cats. They don’t believe me. Anyway, so this video was supposed to be in HD widescreen. I mean, the iPhone 4S rear camera does film in 1080p by default right? The font camera is a different story but I’m sure you knew that already.

But as you can seen in the movie below, the video has been pillarboxed.

(Yes, that was a sneaky way to get you watch home movies of my furbabies, now shush, it’s only 20 seconds.)

After conferring wiith my technical guru for all things techy-tech and bikey-bike, we came to the conclusion that I am just goondu. No, iMovie on iPhone doesn’t have a setting for video resolution. No, the iPhone 4S doesn’t have a setting to select what resolution to shoot video. But what the iPhone does have is tons of apps. And I didn’t use the NATIVE camera app to shoot the video. I used Precorder. Totally worth the USD1.99 , by the way.

I used Precorder and hadn’t switched on its HD setting.

So there, I have once again solved another techy-tech mystery and the answer is: PEBPAC — Problem Exists Between Phone And Chair

Extract:

“The Prisoner’s Dilemma” is a concept from the field of Game Theory. Imagine two perfectly rational prisoners who don’t know what the other is doing. Each can rat the other, or remain silent, resulting in 4 possible outcome…

I chose his recipe “Boiled Water” as my first step into Mark Bittman’s work, mainly because I had everything already in my fridge. And ofcourse, the fact that its only got 3 freaking steps, well, the lazy bum in me couldn’t resist. Plus, it currently has 645 thumbs up from other users, so it has to be good right?

This is how simple the recipe is (and as you read, you’ll understand why I was intrigued and a little baffled as to why this would get 645 people thumbing up):

Mark Bittman says to bring 4 cups of water to boil, with 8 – 10 crushed garlic cloves and one bay leaf. I used only 3 cups (because the original recipe is for 4 people and I’m only cooking for 2). Bring to a boil, then simmer on very low heat for 15 minutes. Salt and pepper added to taste. Now you see why I could not, for the life of me, fathom how something with so little ingredients could taste good?

While your soup (can I even call it that?) is simmering, its time to grill the french bread. Mr Bittman’s recipe calls for THICK slices. Except, I didn’t have thick slices. I just had thin ones. Oh well.

I’m supposed to heat 1/4 cup of olive oil in the skillet and then toss the bread in to brown. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I know, olive oil is good for you. People actually drizzle it over salads as a finishing oil. Any other day I would. But I had beef rendang and chicken curry for lunch (Nasi Padang at 55 Zion Road… the famous one!) so my guilty conscience made me lightly brush olive oil over the bread instead. I know, that’s a lot of cheese I’ve tossed onto the bread. See? All the more I need to cut back on the oil!

And here’s the final result. Boiled Water. Frankly, the cheese looks like its a chemistry experiment gone wrong. And I’m sure there’s plenty that can be improved on the bread arrangement. Frankly, never having eaten “Boiled Water” (and the iPhone app didn’t have a photo of what its supposed to look like) I wouldn’t know if this is how its supposed to look like.

But according to my part-time food critic (and full time hunka hunka burnin’ luurve … I just had to throw that in!), the bread was tasty and — can we have a drum roll please — its a dish he’d eat again!

I am no SeeToh of Makansutra, so I can’t give this any chopsticks. But it gets Jimmy’s seal of approval. Or as I like to call it: 3.5 out of 5 hunkas. With 5 being “OMG, this is ambrosia!” and 1 being “Woman, are you trying to kill me?!”

So would I make this again? Yes. Only because its so darn easy and since Jimmy will eat it, then sure! But next time, I’ll get really thick bread, chop it into squares and make giant croutons. And I’ll add tomatoes into the soup and then blitz it all in my Vitamix… taking out the bay leaf first, of course!