Fake Vanity

And yet it's been another month.

2012-11-07T10:36:00.002+08:00

I know, it's been yet another month. I really do lose track of time. It's flying by way too quickly, and I haven't had anything done. Nothing yet. And it kills me inside.

I thought life would be so much better. I thought life would be happier, a better turn, a better change. But somehow, I feel like I am stuck in a loop. Stuck in a loop that will eventually kill me someday. I can't believe 2012 is still not over yet, but I am glad that it's already November. I truly wish and hope the world will in in 50 days time or so. I truly hope so, for I am exhausted. I am drained. I am being pushed to my limits.

Never would I have thought I'd know how it's like to feel a man's fist on my face. Never would I have thought that in this lifetime, I have to make choices as ridiculous as this one. Risking and sacrificing my job, my future, to see to things that I no longer understand. What am I doing, really? I don't know how many days a week I don't go to work, staying in and seeing to things that I don't understand. Yes, I can always find another job, but do people understand why this job is important to me? Do people understand that? No. Why? Because people are selfish. Yet, they call me selfish. I no longer want to speak my mind. I no longer want to speak. I just want to switch myself off, and do as I am expected to. Life has lost all of its meaning. I have lost faith in life entirely. I am just too tired. Way too tired. But no one cares. No one will save me. No one will understand.

I hate talking. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I came to a realization that I do not have an outlet. Nobody will understand. It's as ridiculous as Humpty Dumpty. I've been coming in to work to sleep, to escape the reality of life. I dread 5pm everyday... and some days, I don't even have the chance to escape - I don't get to go to work. Going to work is like a privilege you won't understand until you're in my situation. I go to work to escape - the 8 hours of my life which I cherish so damn bloody much. And I wish it never ends. I wish it was never 5pm on the days I get to go to work. I wish time never tick. I want time to remain constant as it is. But on the days that I am stuck in hell, I wish time will speed up. I wish somebody will take me away. Save me.

Save me.

I miss my mommy.
I just want to curl up in bed, and cry. And sleep. And not be disturbed. And not having a care in the world about anything.

Save me.

You won't understand.

There are crazy people out there, and I've met them.
Slowly, they are shaping me to lose my sanity. And I am losing it. Slowly. Inevitably.

Save me, somebody, anybody.

Life as we know it.

2012-10-11T15:57:00.000+08:00

So, we meet again.

I know it's been a month plus since I've last updated.

I have been through hell, and back.

I miss my Jacob to death. I've been missing him every single day. Never a day goes by where I don't think of him, where I don't get reminded of him. I miss him. It's a feeling you won't understand, the depth of it - you will never get it. I miss just having him to hold. I miss his voice, his warmth, his touch. I miss waking up to him, going home to him. I know I always nag and complain about him, but it's just something you probably won't understand.

I know he loves me. And I will always love him. He will always have my heart, the entirety of it. No matter how much I try to replace him, or how much I try to give my heart away to someone else, I find myself going back to him, every single time. I don't know what I ever did in life to have deserved a love so great by him, to be loved so dearly by him, to have known someone like him. Yes, he had his flaws, but I learned to live with it. He loved me even with all my flaws. He called me beautiful when I wake up in the morning looking like a total mess - with no makeup, hair tangled and knotted up, and in PJs. He listened to me whine about the most random things that don't matter. He did things he never enjoyed doing just because I wanted to do them. He'd stay up the whole night looking after me when I was sick with high fever, sponging me, and making sure I drank enough water, making sure I took my medication. He carried me in the heavy downpour because I couldn't run fast enough to seek shelter.

He loved me like I never knew love before.

I miss my Jacob to death.
True enough, only death will do us part. As much as I would want to die and be with him, I know for a fact that he would want me to continue living on. Cherish the memories we had. Stay strong. But it's selfish - he left me to survive on my own.

But knowing Jacob, he's always around to look after me.
For some odd reason, his former colleague, Jake (ironic, the fact that they have the same name), got friendly with me. He reminds me of my Jacob in so many ways - mannerisms, their dry humor, the way they speak - it's so similar. If I close my eyes and hear this Jake speaks, I could have mistaken him for my Jacob. It's an amazement I failed to notice that when I've met him several times before. And me being me, of course I wanted something to replace my loss. And this Jake did pinch my heart. The only difference between them is that Jacob was serious, and Jake is more laid-back and easy-going.

I will wait and see where this goes. I'm taking a huge leap of faith here, and I know I am diving into things a little bit too quickly (okay, maybe not a little bit). But it's a leap of faith. There's just something about this guy that is pulling onto my heart.

And he has been a real sweetheart so far. Really reminds me of Jacob.

2012-08-23T16:22:00.000+08:00

I'm coming home to you, baby.

I miss you.

And I'm still considering... Should I deed poll my name, to include his surname into my ID?
I know I am not married to him, but... should I change my name to add "Belmont" to it?

Talk me out of it please.

It's August, bitches.

2012-08-01T10:34:00.001+08:00

It's August. We're like... 5 months away to 2013.

And I know, it's a little bit too early for me to be blogging again. But in less than a week, I've been feeling soooo pissed off more frequent than ever. Let's not even talk about it, it'll make my blood boil.

I should go easy on him, right? I mean, I should be sweet, and consider what kind of a horrible past he had. And perhaps try to make the puzzles fit that way. That perhaps, he really do have a problem reaching out to people due to his horrific past. And perhaps, he really do have a problem trusting people because of his past, and also because of the way I dumped him many many years back.

But it also sucks the fact that despite whatever I do, nothing seems to be working. Despite the amount of sweat, blood, and tears... he still don't get it.

I am only human, too.

I hope he can see that.

2012-07-27T08:51:00.001+08:00

What do you do when everyone is fighting for your time through the most ridiculous means and ways ever?

Well, hello again, after one month of hiatus. Trust me, it's been one month of hell. The days seem to be dragging itself longer, the hours seem to be passing by ever so slowly. I have been sleeping 4-5 hours a night, and eating one meal a day. At this rate, I foresee my death impending really nearby.

In all honesty, I am exhausted. I know, I know.. You've heard me say that so much over the past months. But I think this really is it - I am exhausted, and dragged down to the very end. I don't know how long I can withstand this anymore. Just last night, I was looking up at the high-rise apartments, and thought to myself "How nice would it be to leap off from up there? The feeling of being scared, and yet at the same time, free of all the burdens in the world. And when I finally reach the ground, it will all be over"

Life is unfair. Jake is being very unfair, and he is being very mean. You might think otherwise, but I am having a total burnout. I just had to snap ONCE yesterday (I was having PMS, and sometimes, no matter how much you hold it back, it still seeps through. On top of it all, some other combination just pissed me off, so with everything piled up together, it's disastrous). I just snapped once because I was coming home from a very fucking tiring day at work, and I had pre-menstrual cramps, and I had to walk really far with bags and bags of fucking heavy groceries, and then climb up the stairs, and struggle with the lock to the door. And guess what, he, from inside, heard me, and instead of helping me with opening the door, just texted me "Hi". When I opened the door, there he was, rising from the couch, and told me to look at my phone. He SAW that I was carrying a shitload of items which I just dropped because I was that pissed off. When I saw his text message, it made me fume further. I just said "You heard me at the door, and you left me there to struggle while you just texted?" His response was swift "I was dizzy, baby. I didn't think I could get up to greet you at the door, so I texted you instead"

Yes, thoughtful. But what the fuck. Of course, naturally, when you're angry, and trying not to let it out on someone, you keep quiet, and start banging things around instead. When I did that, HE got upset. What? Now I don't have the right to be pissed anymore? Then fine... After starving for like 24hours (my last meal was the night before), I decided to get some water (my first water of the day at 9pm), and change in the bathroom. Then I heard a LOUD ruckus outside. When I came out, he was on the floor, holding his head. Little did I know, he tried getting up, got dizzy, and fell, hitting his head on the bedpost. His forehead got scraped. When I asked him what he was trying to do, he said "I wanted to fix us dinner. I wanted to do something for you". That got me pissed even further. Why? Because he fucking knows he's dizzy, and yet forced himself to do something like that. So now what? Him falling down was MY fault?

Naturally, I was pissed for the rest of the night. I had no mood to even eat anything, so I just had bread and some strawberries. Jake was quiet for the rest of the night, till about bedtime (which was at fucking 12.30midnight). He went "I know I'm incompetent. I'm sorry. I just feel like dying right now" and then he went on with his bullshit depressing talks. Right before bedtime. I ended up sleeping at 1+am, and woke up at 5am.

There is just too many things going on with Jake, that I am having a total burnout. He has so many underlying medical conditions - name it, he probably have it. Now the latest thing I heard from the doctors was that he cannot be stressed out - no bad news, no getting him upset, no nothing - his heart won't be able to take it. Right when I heard that, I immediately felt so alone. So very alone, more alone than I ever felt in my entire fucking life. Maybe it's very selfish of me, but... imagine if you were in my shoes. You're 23, and trying to support yourself, your family, as well as take care of your partner. You go to work every morning at 7am, waking up at 6am... Work for 8 hours, come back home, housework, deal with the partner, and falling asleep at 12mn if you're lucky. Every single fucking day, same fucking routine. Some might even say that I am having a caregiver burnout, which I think I am having. It's just so fucking tiring. I have to fake a smile the moment I get home. I have to be all bubbly and lively, despite the fact that I just got home from work, and tired like hell from lack of sleep. One small tiny frown from me, and Jake will get upset and all depressed mode. I may have the worst day of my life, but I still need to fucking smile.

But yesterday was like my last straw. I just can't take it anymore. I want to see my grandmother so badly today, but I am doubting if that will happen. Jake is sick, and his forehead is bruising up with a bad headache. Why do I have to make such choices in life all the time. Why do I have to choose between people. Why can't Jake understand that I have other people in my life who are just as important to me. Why can't Jake just give me a few hours off in the evening, since I am coming home to him anyways. Why is everything about him. What happened to me.

And I can also not take the lies anymore. I just want to see how much farther this can go.

Do I love him?
Sadly, yes, I do. 8 months into this. I survived 2 years before, I am sure I can do this all over.

I'll come back after a month for an update... If I am still alive, that is.

2012-06-29T12:42:00.003+08:00

So it's been like almost a month since my last update. What have I been up to?

Seriously, the past month felt like forever. I was shocked to discover only a month has passed. It felt like as though an eternity has passed. Life is tiring. With everything that's currently happening, I am trying so hard to look at the beauty of life, and focus on it. I am tired of fighting every single day.

So how is life with Jake?
It will be a joke if I were to say 'heavenly', because it certainly isn't. We have our ups and downs, mostly downs, and we fight so hard everyday to live through it. We have a new family addition to our tiny home, and that's Angel, a 2 months old bunny. S/he is very affectionate, and I try to spend more time with Angel. S/he takes away that heavy feeling buried deep in my chest.

Honestly, I feel like tearing up every night. I am back to having my lack of sleep, to the point whereby, I will fall asleep everywhere, all over again. Just the other day, while trying so hard to focus on my work, I fell asleep at the desk. I fell asleep last night while having dinner (at 11pm). I don't know how long more I can take it. Mentally, I am very drained. Emotionally, I feel very alone. Physically, I am very tired. I try to keep a straight face, and smile everyday when I return home. I do not like the idea of Jake thinking it's all just his fault. But life since December 2011.... has been VERY different.

6 months into this relationship, 2 months into this engagement, true colors do start to surface itself. No one will understand. I can't exactly leave and ditch Jake for a couple of months while I try to find myself or rejuvenate... he will call that a selfish act, and then try to end his life. I can't have that kind of blood on my hands. I feel hugely responsible for his life. I feel like I am living for 2 people now. And it is very tiring. His troubles becomes mine, his problems become mine, his worries become mine, even the haunts of his past become mine. He no longer refer to his dad as 'my dad this' or 'my dad that'... He now boldly says 'dad this' or 'dad that'... He said I am so much a part of him, that I am simply his life. He said without me again, he'll die, and will succeed his attempt.

How do you live with that kind of responsibility upon your shoulders?
I no longer have a life... I miss going out with my friends... or sleeping at mid-day during the weekends. Or sleeping in early, or just falling asleep on the couch. I miss that. All of that. I miss falling sick and not having to do anything. I miss gnawing in pain because of period cramps and not having to feel guilty about it. I miss leaving the dishes in the sink, and let someone else do it. I miss not having any responsibilities.

But I can no longer do all that. I cannot fall sick and ignore my surroundings. I cannot have period cramps and gnaw in pain. I have to persevere, and stride through the day, and still SMILE and see to Jake. It is very tiring to go through life with someone, but yet you still feel alone. For instance, I had HORRIBLE period cramps yesterday, I still had to go to work, come back and take care of Angel.. and then I thought I could just cuddle up next to Jake and rest... but I can't. Jake was upset due to certain issues... So I spend a good 2 hours talking to him (with the cramps, mind you), and being supportive. I was tired from work, from the lack of sleep the previous night, hungry like hell, and in pain. But I have to be selfless and look after another person. And I am not married yet, neither am I a mother. I am tired.

I feel like life is just draining away from me. My chronological age may be 23, but biologically, I feel like I am 73.

Jake plans on quitting on the military, and I hope that's a good choice. He wants to take up teaching, so I hope that being around youths will teach him that hey, life is not so bad, and there are people out there who requires attention as well. At least no more military bullshit. He also plans on moving here permanently, and will try to bring his daughter along. He said give him 2 years to settle issues in NY before he moves here - so by 2014, he said he should be settled here.

It's already almost July. We're 6 months away to a brand new year... ALL OVER AGAIN. I just can't wait to die.

How do I love thee...?

2012-06-05T08:48:00.001+08:00

I'm sorta grateful that Jake has to be report to work earlier nowadays... Because it means he'll be so exhausted by 10pm, and wants to be in bed by 10.30pm. Like yesterday, for instance... He was so exhausted he couldn't even function well.

He spent his evening with Trevor (he claimed he only had dinner and ONE pint of beer... yeah right), and then came back home to be with me. By 10pm, he was so tired, he started talking crap. By the way, I am glad Trevor is not staying with us. Major distraction.

He started off with "I love you baby...."
Then...

"I love love love love you...."
"I love the way you nag at me"
"I love the way you snap at me"
"I love the way you get grumpy"
"I love the way you yell at me to rest"
"I love the way you love me"
"I love the way you take control of me"
"I love that you are dominant. I love being the passive hubby"
"I love the way you insult me"
"I love the way you pick on me"
"I love the way you sleep"
"I love the way you laugh"
"I love the way I can talk to you about anything"
"I love everything about you"
"I love you my baby"

I just kept on laughing and telling him to finish his hot cocoa and go to bed, kept telling him that he's just exhausted and talking rubbish. And he was like "I mean all of that, really. I really really love you". Made me thought for a minute if he had more than just one pint of beer. In order to get him moving, I told him to get into bed, and promised him a rub down. And he was like "Yay! Rub down! I love your rub down. Makes me sleep like a baby". I told him I wanted to get a shower and clean up our 'supper' before I get into bed and settle him, that he has to try to stay awake for 15 minutes in bed while I get cleaned up.

Cute thing was, I was done by 11pm, and was crawling into bed. And my poor baby was already asleep. I just tucked him with the blanket, and kissed him goodnight. Poor baby had a long day at work... and this week is going to be a long week for him.

I cannot picture my life without Jake.
No matter how much I dread certain days, or cry myself to sleep, I will always love you. There's nothing about you I want to change. I love you the way you are.

A not-so-innocent evening.

2012-06-01T13:44:00.001+08:00

I have had a lot of people asking me what it's like to have a conversation with Jake, and keeping at it. People think he's a serious man, no joke, no humor kinda guy. And I have people asking me how in the world do I live with a guy like that (seeing that I can be a total goofball). In all honesty, Jake is a pretty serious guy if you are just an acquaintance. He wasn't as goofy when I first knew him. It took a while before I cracked him open, and have his nutcase side out. Him and Trevor - similar, maybe just a touch saner.

So last night, I decided to record a random conversation we had. In actuality, it lasted for almost 3 hours plus, but of course, I cut short and only recorded a snippet of it for you to hear the humor Jake do have, and how much of a psycho he can be.

And yes, he do laugh. I don't know why no one can picture him laughing.

I do apologize however so, that the random conversation I decided to record is erm... totally adult-content. If you're not comfortable listening in, then don't. I am not forcing you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a couple talking about sex and discussing it to get to know one another better. I may have known him for 10 years, but the things he told me still amazed me because I never knew all that about him.

Yes, I am about to publicize something rather personal, so it will ONLY be up for a week. After that, you may ask me for the clip, and I'll let you hear the humor.

Here's the link to the secret recording (Jake has no idea I recorded this. He will kill me if he finds out):

http://soundcloud.com/hana-ivashkov/voice-005/s-BrG75

If you listened to it, and wondering who 'Lucky' is, it's his black cat. If you saw the photo I posted of him on Facebook, you'll know. And if you're also wondering who 'Mom' is, one of his social worker whom he's really close with is here with us in Singapore, and will be staying with us for a while. She's in her mid-50s, so he naturally called her 'Mom', and I just tag along to it. She's in the room across to us, and he feels a little shy to be doing "stuffs" with her around, in fear that she hears "stuffs" (we can get pretty noisy).

Apologies about me asking him about his stomach over and over. Some medical issues. And don't ask about when he mentioned "stitches". I am not going to answer that. Or when he mention therapist, doctors, nurses. I am not going to answer any of that either.

And also apologies for me giggling too much. I giggle a lot around Jake for no apparent reason. And also, sorry for my voice, I lost my voice for 2 days, and it was recovering from a bad sore throat and cough.

Bitch will not ruin my date.

2012-05-14T09:50:00.000+08:00

I have to rant a little.

I am not sure if I ever mentioned of a Amanda Watson before... But if I didn't, she is Jake's ex-girlfriend. They went quite a long while together when he was in his early 20s. She's a year younger than him, and they are distant cousins (I know, strange right, cousins dating one another). Anyhow, he left her sometime in his mid-20s when Clare got pregnant (you got that right, he was two-timing both girls), and then married her. Jake told me Amanda and him were on-off, on-off since he was 18ish till 24ish.

As we all know, during the 6 years we broke up, he hooked up with a girl named Patty. Apparently, he was also on the on-off thing with Amanda back again, and subsequently went single for a couple of years (I am trying very hard to believe him on that). Then he found me. And we're back together (it's not an on-off thing with us).

Strangely enough, I never knew of a Amanda till early this year when we got back together. I knew about his other various girls from back then, but there was no mentions of Amanda. And I only got to know about her by chance... She called his cellphone while he was in the shower (remember our Marriott's stays), and after seeking his permission (it was a non-stop miss calls), I answered. Naturally, I went 'Hello, Jake's phone', and she was like 'Who's this?'. I was shocked to hear a girl's voice (he didn't save her number in his phone, so it wasn't ID-ed), but I replied 'I'm his girlfriend. Who are you?', and she said 'If I can't have him, what makes you think you can?' and just hung up. I did tell Jake about the strange call, and he finally told me about Amanda.

Anyhow, this Amanda is seriously taunting me. Jake has been hiding the fact that she's been calling him, and his reason to it was that he doesn't want me to get pissed off and upset. He reassured me over and over about how he will never cheat, that he is faithful, loyal, and how much he loves me. I gave him the heads up about how evil women can get, and to what lengths we will go to have someone we want so badly - I reminded him about what I did to his marriage to just have him. He said it was different as he was planning to divorce Clare anyways. Anyhow, that doesn't matter.

Apparently, Amanda has been trying to poison his mind about me. She has been saying the following things:
"It's okay, there are other ways to have kids" - I don't know how she knew about Jake's condition which all of you don't even know as I am very brief on it. Jake's response to her was epic "That's for me and my wife to talk about, and you are not even my girlfriend"
"How can she claim to love you so much when she easily left you when you had to go to the Middle East for war? I was at war, and I know how it's like. We're similar. We're meant to be"
"She's too young for you. She's manipulating you. She's using love as a cover. She just wants to be with you because you've got money, you're somebody in the army. And you're American. She's just using you to come to America"
"She loves you because of how you look"
"She's too far away from you when you come back to the states. How would you know she's not cheating on you, or seeing someone else behind your back?"
"How are you going to get married? Isn't it a hassle? How are you two going to work out the marriage when you have to be away at work, and she's either always at home in the states, or at home in her country? You will never know what kind of people she brings back home while you're away at work"

Jake blew up at her, telling her not to say those kind of things about his wife (ahem), that she knows nothing about me, and that I am nothing like her, not in the slightest bit. That she has no idea how I am taking care of him, how I love him unconditionally, etc.

I believe that Jake will not cheat on me, but I am just worried that he might unknowingly, and then the aftermath will be 'Oh my god, what have I done?'
I am paranoid, yes. Mainly because I did steal someone's husband away back then. I am trying to comfort myself by reminding myself that he loves me to death. I told Jake to sever all contacts with Amanda, or any of his psycho stalker ex-girlfriends or fangirls he has before he do something stupid whereby I can never forgive him. He agreed to it, and told me that we just really need to spend more time together in a certain way.

BLOODY BITCH. I SO WANT TO KILL HER.
Anyhow, I was telling Jake that I want to invite this Amanda to our wedding, just so I can say 'In your face, bitch' right to her face. Just to let her know it's really over, and that he chose me over her sorry ass.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Anyhow, on a happier note...
Jake got a bloody promotion! He made it to Major General! So damn proud of him!!!!
And because of his promotion, he had a raise. So with that extra cash, he wanted to spoil the shit out of me.

We were just having a regular day out, when he said "I wanna make you happy. Is there anything I can get for you or buy for you? Is there anything you need?"

Any other girl will go ecstatic hearing that. Me? I went speechless and gave him a horrified look and went "I have everything I need, baby"

Yup, I just rejected a guilt-free shopping spree. We were walking around, and at every available store, he'll stop and ask me things like "Do you want this watch?" while pointing to an FCUK watch, or "Do you want this dress?" while pointing to a BCBG dress, or "Do you want a perfume?". I am amazed that I rejected all of it. How insane was I? My fiance just told me he's giving me a shopping spree! What other guys will do that???!!!!

He ended up taking me ice-skating, and it was a good choice. I had fun in that 2 hours with him. He refreshed my memory on how to skate properly, and before I knew it, I was skating solo. It was a reminiscence of old times. We used to ice skate when I was a teenager, and it just brought back so many happy memories. And he did a really good job taking care of me yesterday. I mean, he was an ice hockey player, so you can only imagine what a good skater he is. Yet, despite me telling him to go ahead and skate full-speed, he patiently waited for me, and played around me, and was instantly to my rescue when I start to panic in fear of falling. I never did fall even once under his watch.

Bringing me to the middle of the rink, and kissing me there topped it all off. He kissed me despite the many pairs of eyes watching from outside the rink. He has his own ways of making me melt every single time. I was thanking him throughout the 2 hours, and even after that, and he was like "Why are you thanking me? It's no big deal. I want to make you happy. Did you have fun?"

How often do you come across a man who sacrifices his own fun to just make sure his girl has fun and is enjoying herself? How often do you come across a man who is willing to spend his extra cash on his girl instead of splurging it on himself?

He is one in a million. Or billion.

As horrible as he can be, there is that part of him that is just as wonderful.
Now I hope you all know why I don't have the heart to leave him.

I thanked him non-stop for the best date ever during our way home, and all he said was "Good. Because there's more to come" and gave me the cutest smile ever.

And while on our way walking home... I just asked him "Do you remember how or why we spoke to each other on the phone the first time?" and I am amazed he remembers. He was recollecting what he remembers from the time we got to know each other, how we talked on the phone till 1am everyday till he cannot function at work (while he was stationed here), how he had no feelings for me in that way and that I had a huge crush on him, how his brother and best friend thought he was insane for dating a 15-year old teenager, that he was even questioning his own sanity for falling in love for a 15-year old.... And all the psychotic things I did when I was 15-year old (seriously, doing him in a cinema during Spiderman?).

It was good fun. He said I grew up a whole lot, from that troubled, psychotic, impulsive kid to the woman he is proud to call his wife. I still cannot accept the fact that he watched me grow up from a teenager to an adult.

I love this man to death. I honestly cannot wait to legally, officially call him my husband.
Despite knowing his incapabilities, I still do want to be with him. We worked on how we can have kids, and if all fails, we can always adopt (although he wants to have his own bloodline with me so badly, and wants me to experience the joy of pregnancy with him by my side).

I have finally came to agree on the 2 names:
Abby Seraphina Belmont for a girl. I'm sure he's agreeable to this one since he picked out the first name.
Dylan Vayne Belmont for a boy. I still have yet to discuss this name with him. He wanted "Jacob" to be part of his son's name... but we'll compromise for something. He told me before that if it's a boy, I will get to name our son entirely... but things will change.

Oh dear God, please let everything be smooth-sailing. I am tired of fighting to my extremes. Just for once, let us live life in peace. No more fighting. No more war. No more downhills. Please let me start a family of my own with Jake.

Spiralling

2012-05-11T09:21:00.001+08:00

Life has been a bit of a hurricane lately.

On Sunday night, I was told something which broke my heart into a million pieces. I tried to be strong, and stand up, and live with that fact. Tried to put on a brave front, and came up with alternatives.

On Monday evening, he went to the doctors without informing me. Agreed to certain procedures without discussing with me. And he only informed me after he confirmed and signed everything.

On Tuesday evening, noticed a huge difference in his behavior. I just brushed it aside, thinking he's maybe changing for the better. I never took much consideration about it. I just thought it was for the better.

On Wednesday evening, everything went wrong. Everything. There was a massive difference in Jake. Honestly, I was scared to death. There was just something about him that day that made me fear him so much. I couldn't even look him in the eye. It was intimidating. The way he speaks was a lot different. The way he behaves. The way he laughs at important things. I never had so much palpitations in my life before, and that night, I could feel my heart beating so heart, and so fast. I remembered feeling giddy, everything was spinning, my heart was thumping in my ears. I was scared. I took a good hard look at the man sitting in front of me, and realized that that man is not the same man I love. We went to bed a little after 2am after he placed his palm on my chest and realized I was having palpitations.

On Thursday evening, when I came back home, trust me, I was scared of having to face him. I don't know what to expect. I came home a lot earlier, reaching home at 4.30pm, and did my house work, took a short rest (I barely slept the night before). He came back at about 6.30pm, and we quietly went to start dinner. We ate in silence for a little while, and he finally just went 'I miss you'. I just looked up at him and started crying. Don't ask me why.. I have no idea why I cried, really. He just went 'I love you to death. I miss you. I miss this' and took my hand and placed his on his cheek. I teared hearing his words... He was telling me that he has always prayed for a mother, but he told me God gave him someone even better... that God gave him a best friend, a lover, a wife. That God gave him me. And that I was his everything. I hugged him for the longest time after that, in which he broke it and tipped my head up to kiss my forehead. We had an early night, sleeping in at 10.30pm, literally just holding hands and falling asleep. I woke up at 5am, and realized I never moved the entire night, and was still holding onto his hand. He was still asleep in the same position before I closed my eye, facing me. He woke up shortly after and gave me a smile (it was pretty cute, actually. You see him trying to fight off the sleepiness and trying to wake up, and struggling with a smile).

And today's Friday. I hope things will be better. We have 2 weeks before his 34th birthday. I have nothing for him. No gifts - he understands that I'm broke. I have nothing substantial for him, but I have plenty of love to give him.

It was the weirdest week ever.
Spoke to MK for a little bit (seriously, this guy is SO damn hard to get a hold of), and he is facing his own personal hell. Again, he is having marital issues... which he said he will elaborate more about it when he has the time. He will be coming down in 2 weeks or so for a short visit. Poor guy.

I just really hope that things will stop going insane. I don't think I can take anymore stress. I was so drained the entire week that I fell asleep while working. I fell asleep at every opportunity I get. I had bad palpitations, bad headaches. But I just hope for things to be alright. To work out.

If I agree, I will be married in 14 days. I am still deciding.

What would you do?

2012-05-07T16:56:00.001+08:00

What will you do if you found out that you cannot have offsprings?

What will you do if you found out that you can never bond with the love of your life in that way? In the way how a couple shows that they truly love and desire the other through the act of "making love"?

What will you do?

Do you leave him in search for another man, and hope that the new man will love you just as much as he does?

Or do you stay, and endure the pains he's going through, as well as the pains that you have to go through in view of his condition?

Will you even let him touch you, when knowing that there is nothing you can do for him?
Will you be selfish and let him "satisfy" you despite the discomforts he's having? Or will you be selfless and tell him not to, but at the same time destroy his ego?

What will you tell him to do if you know that having certain "desires" on his part will cause massive discomfort for him?
Will you be selfless and tell him to be sterile? But before that to preserve some of his DNA for a possible future child?
Or will you be selfish and tell him to endure that feeling of discomfort despite the fact that you can NEVER bond with him that way?

What makes a man a man?
How will you reply to that?
How do you reply to someone who tells you that he feels useless as a man, feels less of a man, because he can never be with me in that way?
Do you tell him that it's okay? Do you tell him that it doesn't matter?
When deep inside, you yourself are crushed by that fact. It's not just about lust, not just about desire.
It's about telling him how much I do love him. It's that bond. That bond only 2 people can share, the bond, the intimacy that's just between him and me.
What do you do?

What would you do?

I just want to curl up in bed and cry every single night, but I can't. I don't want him to hear me sobbing, I don't want him to see my tears. It is not his fault.

Life is a nightmare with tests of sorts.
I have not even settled one issue, yet another problem arises.

"God must hate me, He cursed me for eternity"

When you fall in love with a psycho.

2012-05-03T10:31:00.001+08:00

I have been losing time to myself. Been feeling rather tired lately. I realized that as of late, I cry myself to sleep a little more often than usual. I find myself to be eating less due to lack of appetite. I find myself wanting to do nothing. I can no longer concentrate on what's on the television, or what song's playing on the radio. I try so very hard to concentrate when Jake talks to me, especially when he's sharing stuff about his tragic past.

I feel like I am losing touch with life itself. I notice that slowly, inevitably, Jake is taking over my life. I came to a realization that before I make any plans, I have to check with him first. It's always about him.

He does ask me how my day was, but my responses are always limited. Because he will always be the one who has issues to talk about. So my everyday reply will be 'The usual. Work 8 hours - it was fine. Slow-going. Nothing much. How about you?' He will try to ask stuff about my personal life... and my standard reply 'The usual. Nothing much, really. Why not we talk about you? How are you? Anything you want to talk to me about today?'

See the massive difference in approach?

I am tired.
If this is how being married to Jake Belmont, I am having plenty of thoughts.

And the creepiest thing he ever said to me as of late was:
"I have no problem killing someone, without feeling sorry for them, or even feel guilty about it. But the reason I am not on a killing spree is because of you. I love you to death. I care about you. I do not want to upset you or disappoint you in any ways. I have never loved anyone before, but I love you."

What have I gotten myself into?

The truth about commitments.

2012-04-23T12:58:00.001+08:00

Firstly, I have got to say I was dead shock with the new outlook of blogger. I'm at such a blur, that finding the new post page was hard. Just great.

----------------

Anyhow, I was just whining to a friend about how hard life is right now. Not in its most literal sense, of course. Life is great, but things have changed a great deal.

I am not married, but I suppose I have got a taste of how marriage life is like. And trust me, it's a nightmare. Of course, during the entire honeymoon phase, everything's wonderful, blah blah blah. But that will only last for so long. I never knew "marriage" life could be so tedious, so super tiring - having to deal with work during the day, and household duties later in the evening. It makes me appreciate my mother a whole lot more.

Ladies, cherish your mother while you still can. In fact, bring her to stay with you when you're married.

I work a typical office job, starting at 8am, and ending at 5pm. By the time I reach home, it's almost 6pm.

Jake and I established certain set of agreements to work on while living together, and trust me, I never thought it could be this hard. I am on the verge of tears everyday. Here's how the schedule looks like:

6pm - drop my work bag, mop the damned floors. (I hate the fact that we're staying on the 2nd floor, and it gets mighty dusty for some reason)

6.30pm - start working on dinner. It's usually whatever I can find from the fridge, or whatever grocery I just bought. If I'm too tired, I'll just buy takeouts, and place them on plates.

7.15pm - dinner's ready. Jake's home at around this time. He'll help to set the table.

7.30pm - Our dinner affair.

8pm - Clear dishes. I'll start the laundry (if it's laundry day)

8.15pm - Squeeze in a little bit of TV time & chit chat time.

9.30pm - Jake goes off to shower. I'll remove the dry laundry, hang up the freshly washed ones.

10pm - Jake will help with folding of clothes and keeping them. I'll iron my clothes for either the next working day, or whatever that needs to be ironed. Jake will iron his own clothes.

10.30pm - My turn for shower

11pm - Get to bed. He'll fall asleep in a heartbeat. I'll do some reading till I fall asleep, usually close to midnight.

5am - Jake gets up and do his stuffs (whatever it is that he does at that hour)

6am - I get up. Shower, get ready for work.

6.45am - Breakfast. Or rather, drink coffee.

7am - Jake leaves for work. I clear up whatever that needs to be cleared from breakfast.

7.30am - I leave for work.

And it's the same damned cycle every single day. We practically don't have much time for one another anymore. Now I understand why he wants my time on Friday nights, and the entire Saturday - we really have no time for us. Sleep means sleep - no cuddling or smooching or whatever.

Another thing, grocery shopping. Oh my goodness. Now I understand why my mom always grumble whenever she returns from the market - be it the wet market or supermarket. Things are bloody expensive. Just buying food stuffs to stock up the kitchen could cost up to $60, and that will barely last us for 2 weeks. And carrying the items. On top of that, the detergent, and soaps, and toiletries. It's a nightmare. And bloody expensive!

I miss my mom. I never knew how hard it was till I'm facing the same situation. To top it off, I don't have kids to look after. I don't know how she does it. I feel like crying every single day, so tired from work, and coming home to more things to do. It's a never-ending cycle. I miss coming back home from work with everything done for me - dinner is prepared, I don't have to do laundry, clean the house. I took it all for granted. Now I really, truly appreciate my mom.

And this is all happening to me, yet I am not married. Perhaps now I might not want to get married. Commitment isn't easy. Here I thought staying together would be fun. Boy, was I wrong.

Appreciate your mothers. And stay single for as long as you can. It is a reality slap. I don't know how other women do it. I really don't understand how. I was telling my friend that now I feel like I no longer have a life... and she told me "This is life. Your new life".

Just great, isn't it?
There's a whole lot more to getting married than meet the eye.
Don't say I didn't warn ya. Now I'm stuck in this rut (and I don't really plan to get out of it).

Adult humor

2012-04-21T16:28:00.001+08:00

So last week, Jake and I were roaming around town on a boring Saturday evening. We had nothing to do, amd nowhere to go. Both of us were desperate to just be out of his place and be outside just like other people.

We entered a subsidiary of Tangs departmental store (the one located at the underpass), which had plenty of kitchen and bedroom stuffs. We had nothing in mind, just browsing through section by section. We made mental notes of getting some of the colored plastic cutleries though - he wanted blue, I wanted pink. Big problem there.

Anyhow, we moved on to the bedspread section, and I was pointing out potential bedspreads I'd like us to have and use. Of course, he was in disagreement with me, seeing that I picked out those that are pink, or has flowers on it. I, in turn, disagree with his choice which comprises of boring designs and neutral colors.

However so, as I was making an exit out of the bedroom area, a particular bedspread caught my eye. It was just a solid color - maroon, with embossed designs on it. I was excitedly calling out to Jake who just gave me a sigh and rolled his eye, thinking that I am yet to show him another girly sheet.

The look on his face when he saw the maroon bedspread was priceless. He just went "Oh wow! Look at that!!!" and I just grinned and said "nice right??!!". He just kept looking at it and said "Can you imagine us humping that?!"

I burst out laughing. His face flushed red, amd in a feeble attempt said "I can't believe I said that! What I meant was... Can you picture me naked on a bedspread like that? Because I can picture you standing at the door with just lingerie on while I lounge on this thing"

Again, I just started laughing like a hyena. His face was getting redder by the minute.

But all is good. We did end up buying that bedspread... I had it on the bed the moment we got back. What happens next, I shall leave it for you to imagine.

Till next time folks.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Religions.

2012-04-16T09:14:00.003+08:00

138 days in. 364 days to go.

Had a good break in blogging, I suppose. Haven't blogged in a little over 2 weeks.

Things have been great lately, just the usual rubbish here and there which cannot be prevented. Otherwise, life has been rather... okay.

I have finally made the decision to move in with Jake for a little bit while he's here. I just suppose both of us really need the time together, as opposed to me just dropping by for a little while, and heading back home. I never knew that that gets him upset, that he so badly wants me to live in with him. So I suppose this would be a good try-out before I move in with him in NY and regret it. So now's the time for me to figure out what irks him the most. I know he lives with a set of house rules which I have to abide, but let's just see how insane it can get, and if I can live with it.

Anyhow, I was just thinking about marriage, and the entire issue about civil marriage vs muslim law marriage.

As we all know (or maybe just me), Jake is an agnostic; which means he believes there is a higher power, but he doesn't believe in religions. As for me, I am a self-proclaim agnostic. I also do believe in a higher power, but not so much in religions. We both have our own personal reasons to it. So technically, both of us are agnostic by choice (we both were born with a religion).

He has nothing against religions, in particular mine, but I know certain things do piss him off ever since he went for the Iraq deployment and saw and heard things there. I remember how he used to get so angry over the phone just talking about the entire religion practices and such, and even up till today, he still do talk to me about what he experienced there. I mean, he is not a racist - if he is, he wouldn't be with me. He just have this thing about religions.

So, anyhow, back to the civil marriage vs muslim law marriage thing. Technically, I am supposed to get married under the muslim law, and that would mean that Jake would have to convert, which I think he is rather reluctant. I do not want to force him to convert just for the sake of marriage. And on top of that, the muslim law marriage is totally fucked up, whereby women are at a loss of everything. I find that bullcrap. I mean, yes, the husband is the head of the household, but does that mean I have to succumb to everything he says? Even if it's wrong? And please him the way he wants to be pleased? Bow down and kiss his feet everyday? NO FUCKING WAY!

After seeing my own mother's bitter divorce, it just set me thinking so much. My mother lost everything to the father. In muslim law, there is no such thing as dividing your assets equally. Women are at such tremendous loss that it is very ridiculous. And under the muslim law, women are not covered by the Women's Charter. So basically, women are left to die alone under the muslim law.

So I thought, wouldn't marriage under the civil law be much worthwhile, then? I mean, if I were to get divorce (and I do not hope to be divorced), the assets will be divided equally, I have Women's Charter on my side to fight for my rights, and everything will be equal. No favoritism or siding of one side. Wouldn't that be much better?

Jake is sweet enough to want to have a small ceremony here out of respect for my mother. And he said he wants a church wedding up in NY just for culture sake, not for religion or what not. He said he'd rather just go to the city clerk's office and sign the documents and get it done and over with, have a reception, and that's that. But he said he do want me to have a wedding I can never forget. So yeah...

I don't know, really. It's really fucked up. The world is fucked up because of religions. People draw the lines when it comes to religions. People start war because of religions. Can't everyone see that religions are the root of all evil? It's one thing to believe in a higher power, it's another to preach what you believe and forcing it down the throats of others. And thinking you're always right while at it. It's just fucking ridiculous.

No religions are right. What kind of a religion promotes killing one another?

I am just a very bitter, faithless person, I know.

I may not pray, but there are moments whereby I just talk to God. I don't say prayers, or recite verses or whatever. I am screwed up. I told Jake that I want my kids to make their own choice when they grow up. If they choose to have a religion, so be it. Otherwise, it doesn't really matter.

So now you know why I am so super screwed up. Why I drink despite my religion saying it's a sin. Why I had a tattoo despite it being seen as a sin in my religion. Why I have done things which are a no-no in my religion (seriously, staying over at a man's place is a sin, what more sleeping with him before marriage). I honestly don't care much. I'm pro-choice, I suppose.

Oh well.

Life's a bitch.

Counting in and counting out.

2012-04-03T09:24:00.002+08:00

125 days in. 377 days to go.

In response to Lynx - it's just the extra thick makeup that make girls look prettier. And also because it's supposed to be the happiest day of their lives, hence the extra radiance when they smile.

--------------------------------------

Had a good time crying last night. Someone told me that if I spend most of my time crying in a relationship, I should reconsider my choice. I realized that I have been trying so hard to put up a good front lately. But I am slowly crumbling.

Anyhow, it's been 125 days since he officially returned back into my life. And 377 days more to go before I go (hopefully I'm right about this. I want this to work). I am very extremely tempted to actually have a vacation there this September mainly because I am dying to find out the truth. 377 days to finding out the truth is a rather long time, and by then, I don't know how much he would have twisted my mind and heart around.

But I can do this, right? I mean, I tolerated and endured him for 2-3 fucking years back then, not inclusive of the time when we were just friends. If I can be really patient and put up with his crap back then, I am sure as hell be able to do the same now. I mean, it's just 377 days more to go, right? It's just one year. I love how he is actually kinda worried about me going there when I mentioned the idea to him... But now I think.. I should just keep my plans to myself until the very last minute, a couple of hours before my flight. He will eventually forget that I have such an idea in my head, and I want him to relax and think that I am still that naive girl he knew.

377 days. Why can't you be faster? Why can't I strike lottery now and just pack my bags and go?

I am trying to take things a day at a time, and tell myself that I should not place myself in too deep. But no matter how I try to force myself to sit back and enjoy this, I find myself crying time and time again. It is not easy.

However so, I would like to see what he can pull in 377 days. To what extent his drama can get. I am sick of this. I am sick of having my life controlled and having people judge me all the fucking time.

Now I'm starting to slowly remember why I loathed him.

He pulled a great one last night.

I shall see what he will pull today, and for the rest of the week.

Splendid.

Imagine if I rushed and agreed to marry him end this year/early next year. All hell will break loose. My mom was right for me to be wary when it comes to a Belmont guy.

As insane as it sounds...

2012-04-02T08:47:00.003+08:00

It's April, like finally.

Time really is flying off the charts this year... We're in the second quarter of the year (already?!). Before we all know it, it's gonna be mid-year soon enough. Scary, huh?

Anyhow, I was doing a lot of thinking yesterday (it was April's Fool yesterday!! But this is no joking matter). I am going to try my best to clear off my credit debts as fast as I can...

I was thinking that in 12 months, I'm going to resign my job, buy a one-way ticket to NY, and stay there. I know I will be jobless, homeless, and cashless. But I thought... if I keep waiting for the perfect time, it will never happen. Might as well take the first step of buying a plane ticket and fly out there first, and settle the rest later.

So my target month to achieve that is by April 2013. I hope to have enough for flight, and a couple of days stay at a motel. First thing I should do when I touch down is find an apartment or room to rent around the city area. Then scout for a job - I will sound desperate here, but I will take any kind of job, be it as a waitress, barista... Just about anything. If I could get a nursing license there, then I will practice as a nurse there. But temporarily, any kind of job as long as I have money to pay off rent, and food to survive.

Why the sudden crazy idea? I honestly don't know. Like I said... if I were to keep on waiting for the perfect time, it will never happen. If I keep waiting around for one of the hospitals to reply back with a job opportunity, it will take forever. If I were to wait around for Jake to get married to me, that will take the next 5 years.

Besides, I told Jake that I do not want to use his money or his house while I'm there. I will only go to him for cash if I am desperate and in need for rent payment... Otherwise, I want to try make it on my own. Remember the movie Burlesque? Where she just packed her things and leave for a new state with no money, and no job? I am somewhat doing the same thing... except that I am not moving from a different state... I'm moving from a different country entirely. It will be hard. It will be tough... But I'm not going to give up.

I just hope that I won't chicken out when the date draws closer. I really hope for this to happen. As selfish as I may sound, I think there is nothing left here for me in Singapore. I am tired of being here. Same old shit year in and year out. I want to do something different. I want a difference. And I think, best way of doing so is to actually get the fuck out of here.

If I find it too hard, and don't like it, I will come back. If I quickly adapt and learn, I will stay there.

I just really hope I have enough money to buy myself a plane ticket, and pay for a couple of months of rent. I hope as hell this will work out.

I never told you to...

2012-03-30T12:51:00.002+08:00

I never told you to give up all those girls.

I never told you to give up your single life.

I never told you to love me.

I never asked you to do anything.

You made that choice of leaving Clare 8 years ago.

You made that choice of leaving Amanda a few months back.

You made that choice of leaving Patty (I don't know when).

You made that choice of wanting to be with me, in hopes of making me happy.

I never for once even forced you to return.

You returned at your own accord.

So why do you have to lie to me now?

Why do you have to boast about all those girls you left and ignored?

Why do you have to remind me every single day that there are other girls waiting for you, leering at you?

I know I am out of your league. I believe I've said that before.

And I am sure you are mature enough to make your own choice.

I am not asking you for anything.

I am not asking you to marry me tomorrow.

There is no deadline to my love for you.

All I want is for you to look me in the eye, and tell me the truth.

But I am appalled that you are capable of looking at me in the eye and lie.

To my face.

I will play along.

Play this game of yours.

Until I uncover the truths. And I know how much it scares you about the snowball effect I tend to have... but do I have a choice? Each time I try to bring something up for justification, you get defensive. So I might as well collate everything, and shoot you down.

I will play along. I will make you drop to your knees.

I can make a pretty good liar, a very good actor.

Trust me.

You will regret this.

It's a brand new week.

2012-03-26T09:56:00.002+08:00

I had the most insane weekend ever.

And when I say insane, let's not interpret it into a fun-filled weekend. It was fun at some point, but disastrous at most points.

Let's just say I had a rude welcome to the weekend... it started out fine, until things started becoming chaotic. Enough said, I just want to keep instilling the point that I have a boyfriend who loves me dearly, and would be greatly upset if he knew the entire truth. As of now, he knows the partial truth, and he's already not taking it so well.

However so, I did have a rather good Saturday with him, with both of us passing out cold on the couch together at 1am. I had a rather good bitching Sunday evening with him as well, and I guess that's where everything we both had hidden came out.

Not everything though. Of course I did not bitch about the fact that I still suspect him of hiding something away from me. He's already pissed enough about my late Friday night activity, and trust me, he was yelling at me throughout. But that's not the case in point. He wasn't so much as angry with me, as he was angry at my family. Now I know the grudges he actually kept inside for all these years. It was unbelievable. He kept emphasizing the fact that he wants to be married to me, and not my family... and that if I choose to get married to him, I might have to cut family off - not entirely, but there's a certain limit to things. He said he will not treat my family with exception, or anything special, and that the reason he would actually be nice to them is because of me, because he so badly wants me with him. He said, if not for me, he won't even bother lifting a finger. He kept repeating he had enough of seeing me growing up like a rogue kid, and that for once, I need stability in my life. Ironic, I must say... since there is no such stability in his either.

He mentioned he so badly wants to take me away from my personal hell, but he said I might need some time for readjustments. And about readjustments, I told him I might need a longer window period before settling the idea of being married, and moving permanently. I told him to give me a window period of up to 4 years, and that in this 4 years, I have so many things to do - save up for my own financial backup, clear up my credit debts, make peace with my family.

I have 4 years to do all that, and also 4 years to find out the truth about him. But I don't think I want to take my own time about seeking the truth... because like I said, I do not want to be in too deep... the longer I take, the harder it is eventually.

He prefers me moving out of my house, and staying on my own, or staying in with him while he's here. As much as I would love to, there's so many financial constraints - which I finally spoke to him about in details. I rejected all of his offers to help me now, because I do not want money to be an issue with us at the moment. I do not want to be like I'm in debt to him at this point of time.. that usually creates bigger problem, than it is a solution.

As much as I would like to run away right now, and be with him... there's so many bridges I need to cross to get to the other side: -

- Family. I need to make peace with my family. I don't wish to leave on a sour note.

- Housing. As selfish as I may be, I would like to see my family properly sheltered before leaving permanently.

- Credit debts. I need to clear this off within this 2 years, and cancel off all my cards. Credit cards are truly evil, trust me.

- Savings. I busted all my savings when I went unemployed for 2 months. I need to grow it back up. For moving, and for emergency.

- Him. I need to figure him out before anything else. He is the main issue here, actually. He is the main bridge I need to cross over. If I am certain about him, then I could hurry my ass up and conquer the rest. If he is not for real, then I will take my own time, and end things with him. Things could go so many ways from here on.

He helped me break down my finances as best as I can manage, even told me to actually find a job which pays more than what I'm getting currently. I don't know. I don't exactly love this job, and I'm getting sick of my boss reprimanding me over everything.

Life is such a disaster.

Forlorn; forsaken.

2012-03-20T09:20:00.002+08:00

I think lately I had a series of fluctuating emotions... And despite claiming not knowing what it is about, I think I lied about that part.

This feeling has been gnawing at me for the longest time. But I am determined to really seek the truth before I pursue the matter.

You know how sometimes you just get this gut feeling inside which you just can't explain... and no matter how much you try to console yourself or talk yourself out of it, it keeps coming back even twice as strong? Where you have no other choice but to trust yourself?

I guess I just really missed him that much to dismiss those feelings, and now it's here full-blown. I cannot shake it away, no matter what I do, no matter what I tell myself. I know deep inside he is not providing me with the entire truth, but I don't know what it is he's lying to me about. And I am determined to find out. As of right now, he thinks I am still clueless, when in fact, I am just playing along with him. I will keep on playing along until I gather enough evidence to use it against him - that's when I will bring him down and shut him up. I would very much like to hear his side of the story - why he had to lie to me and all. I really am not sure what about, really... but I know he is hiding and/or lying to me.

And because of this doubt I'm having, I thought best would be to delay the wedding a little bit. I do not want to get married and regret it for the rest of my life later on. Until I seek the truth, I will keep on delaying. I love him, there's no denying that... but how long more can I take before I go permanently insane? Just because he resides halfway across the world from me doesn't mean I'm helpless like fuck. I am not as stupid as I was from 6 years ago. I don't really know how I am going to do this, but I know for a fact that the easiest way is to actually go to NY when he least expects me to. I realized his trend of only wanting me to go to NY with him informed prior so that he could "accompany" my visit there. So my plan is to save up 5K as soon as I can, fly there, and come back. The latest target is August 2013 (I know that's like a year away, and I might be in too deep by then, but I am willing to take the risk). And maybe even vacation there for a week if I have got time.

From now till then, I will collate all that he's telling me, and seek it out one by one, and with that, bring him down. I cannot tolerate bullshit, especially lies. If it's a white lie, I will look past it... But something is telling me this isn't just your ordinary white lie. It's something bigger than that.

I'm appalled at how he can look me in the eye and lie flat out to me. It breaks my heart seeing him every time. When I see him sleep next to me... I wonder to myself, "How can you sleep at night after a day of lying to someone you claim to love and would die for?" My heart breaks each time I look at his face.

Can someone donate me 2K now just to fly myself to NY and return?

Now I wish I didn't max out my credit cards. I hope to pay off my cards by end 2012 so that I could use it again in April 2013 to expedite my enlightenment. Ha!

There's just so much a lie a person can take. And this time, I'm buying none of his bullshit. I want to know what, and why. And who are the other people involved in this entire story plot.

As of now, I will play along in his game, smile, and act like the unknowing girlfriend who knows shit... I will do so until I cannot take it any longer. Yes, this is the snowball effect. I will eventually explode - just like how I did 6 years ago... But thing is, back then I didn't have concrete proof, and he managed to make me look like the bad person. This time round, I am determined to make him look like the bad one.

But don't get me wrong... I do love him. I just want to know why he will go to such extremes.

As he is feeding me with lies, I am doing my background checks and cross-referencing.

I know nobody's perfect. I loved him despite the fact that he did horrible things to people before. I should probably just look past this... but I can't. Not when my heart is on the line.

An emotional turmoil

2012-03-16T08:40:00.002+08:00

So recently, I have discovered something majorly shocking.

I was told that Jake has been secretly doing wedding preparations behind my back. As to date, as far as I know, he has got floral arrangements almost settled (he asked if I liked orchids, so I presume orchids are the flowers for the wedding), he has a list of caterers to review (food-tasting!), he has a tailor on hand (custom-made suit and dress), and he even has got in contact with a jeweller to custom-make the wedding bands. I was informed that custom-made wedding bands will take at least 8 months to get ready to perfection, but it will depends on how choosy the person is. Jake tried to discreetly gauge the size of my finger (again... He must have lost the first measurement he took a few months back). And he even got in contact with a printing company already (for invitation cards).

And all that preparations are without my knowledge.

I'm not sure if I should be delighted after finding all that out... or upset.

Delighted because here's a man who is pulling together a wedding alone, and trying his best to turn it into my dream wedding, and surprise me with it. Upset because I would love to have a say in it as well... It takes two people to have a wedding, correct?

If it was my choice, I would rather have calla lillies as opposed to orchids. Or maybe even both! I would like to know how my band will look like (I love simple rose gold rings, or white gold with subtle diamonds), because I will be wearing it for the longest time on my finger. I would like to know what food is being catered at my own wedding, and what is written on the invitation cards, the color, the font... What if he printed out too much cards? Or too little? What about the caterer? What if it's too much food? Or too little? He hasn't sat down with me to list down the guests list even.

I really am not sure how long he is going to keep hiding this... But I am just going to play along and act dumb. I'm sure he has a good reason to surprise me, and oh, trust me, I will still be surprised. His brother told me that the tentative date is probably in 8 months if the bands are ready by then... But he said not to put my hopes up too much in case it got delayed. Even his brother doesn't know what the heck is going on. Eventually, he would have to let me know because it will be ODD if a tailor just came up suddenly and start taking my measurements. And a custom-made dress will take months to get ready, I presume...

Usually, wedding preparations are made 12-16 months before the wedding date itself... No one will make preparations if the wedding is not confirmed, or if it's 24 months from now, right? Because I'm sure no florist or caterer will entertain such an advance booking. I am kinda freaking out right now, because I do not want it to be like "Will you marry me?" and then fly me to the states, and get married the next day. I will need time for it to sink it that I'm engaged, and getting married... Not all in one day. I will probably faint on the spot, or get an anxiety attack at my own wedding (remember Bella having this attack at hers?).

Oh! Almost forgot, he would need to tell me because I would need to pick out my bridesmaids! And my bridesmaids would need dresses as well! And he needs to pick out his best man! Unless he's choosing all that for me... Or probably went behind my back and made arrangements with my side of the family without me knowing...

I'm gonna be suspicious for a really long time now...

Eventually I think I will probably let it go and forget if it's not talked about much.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I really am not sure why he is rushing it... a part of me is excited that he is rushing into marriage, because I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, and start a family with him (it has always been my dream since I was 14 years old to be married to him... Imagine that!). Another part of me is scared... because marriage would spell the end of my carefree, single life... No more partying hard, no more single lifestyle...

I guess when dreams are turning into reality... it actually is rather scary... I never thought I'd have the jitters thinking about weddings and marriage and starting a family of my own. I've always wanted a knight in shining armor, and a fairytale wedding. I hope this is it.

Let's count the number of times...

2012-03-12T11:01:00.002+08:00

Up till date, he has proposed 4 times to me... all on separate occasions.

I can tell he is not going to give it up.

#1:

It was so sudden... He just popped the question over a TV dinner (at his place), and I was concentrating so hard on the TV series (we had Supernatural on). And out of the blue, he just took my hand, and asked "Will you marry me?".

I was shocked for words, and it took me some time to come up with a response... And the best I came up with was "What?". And he asked again, thinking I didn't hear him the first time, but this time, he added "Will you marry me next year, say March?". And my immediate reply was "So soon?". Trust me, that reply shattered him, or at least, from his face, I got the feeling he was rather devastated. He then proceed to ask "What is it that you are unsure about? Are you unsure about me? Don't you want a life with me?". I cleared things up, telling him that it was very sudden and shocking, and my response was inappropriate and all... And that yes, of course I do want to marry him, but I didn't think it was as soon as next year.

He just kept quiet and said he will ask again, and hope for no hesitation in my response.

#2:

We had a date at Upper Seletar Reservoir, and he offered to hold my hand while I walk the side of the cliff, on the platform separating the walkway and the rocky cliffs to the reservoir. Midway, while walking, and talking, he casually just asked "Will you marry me?". I swear my heart leaped, and I stumbled my steps a bit, and almost fell. Thankfully, he was holding me tight and pulled me. Again, hesitated with my reply "Erm... yeah, I'll marry you".

Really? I have no idea why I hesitated at my reply. He took that (again) as an uncertainty, and he said he will ask again.

#3:

Over a text message, which took me 5 minutes to reply. HAHA.

I just got home, like barely 10minutes, and he dropped me a text saying he's already missing me. I replied that I missed him as well, and I wish there was more time together, and he went on "Marry me, and we can have all the time we want together".

It took me 5 minutes to reply "I'll marry you in a heartbeat".

So much for "in a heartbeat" when it took me 5 minutes to process that reply.

He just said "I wish. It's okay, I'll try again". I think he got the 5 minutes lag in response... I could blame it on the reception.. but what the heck, right?

#4:

Over a Skype chat. We were rambling about random stuffs, and he was asking me when would be a good time to talk to my family (we had a history together, remember? My family knows him, and my mom disliked him due to some issues towards the end of my relationship with him), and he was like "I wanna get the 'hellos' done and over with" and I was telling him it will be alright and stuffs, and he was like "I wanna marry you, I wanna get you a ring next year" etc... And my reply (thankfully for an instant reply, took me a minute to type it out) "I will be more than glad to be married to you... but no rush, really". His reply was "(sad face). I wanna rush it. I wanna settle that open door and shut it once and for all". So he said, he will meet my family, say his 'hellos' to them, and ask for my hand in marriage. He said he will try to clarify whatever issues there are to clarify there and then.

He wants to rush it to next year, which he say is the earliest he can push it to...

His estimated time is 1 to 2 years... but I will leave it to him to decide. I'm just gonna go with the flow...

4 proposals over a period of a month or so.

Desperation? Or madly in love?

He said he doesn't want to lose me ever again, and he feels like marriage will resolve his fear.

But I have my own fear: He left his ex-wife for me. Now, will he leave me for another after marriage?

He claimed that his love for me is eternal, true, forever.

But the only way I can find out is to live through it, right?

Only time will tell.

Haunted.

2012-03-11T18:55:00.002+08:00

As usual, life is not all sunshines and rainbows. I kinda am getting a hang of that... Things are never completed until I shed a tear, or feel like as though I've been ripped apart, or turned inside out.

I got the hardest verbal slap today... Something I actually never saw coming.. Something very least expected.. I had no idea how to react or respond to it, but all I know was silent tears streaming down my eyes. I had to swallow down my tears, the lumps caught in my throat, and keep my voice steady before saying a word. It's not about being portrayed as weak, but rather I do not want him to know how much his words cut me.

It's almost like rubbing salt to a fresh wound.

It shouldn't be much of a surprise for me, but I was wrong... When I heard him, his choice of spiteful words, I was in so much shock. Shocked to the fact that after all this while, he never actually forgave me for what I did 6 years ago. Forgetting is definitely out of the question. I was shocked the amount of grudge he kept in him, the spite he has in him... And yet after slashing me over and over, he uttered 'I love you to death', just as how someone would rub salt to open wounds. That made me felt even much more worst...

Now I don't know if this is his way of getting back at me... Rip me apart just as how I ripped him back then. Flat out, he told me that he has trust issues with me. He even said he's unsure if it's truly love I have for him, or if it is just another one of my disposable tirades.

I was caught speechless throughout the 2-odd-hours of conversation.. He kept apologizing at the end of it, claiming he doesn't know why he's feeling this way, and that he loves me through it all.

I wish I could just console myself and tell myself it is just the PTSD talking... But it was too much of a slap to brush it off.. How am I to live knowing the person I love is holding a grudge against me. He said his love for me is true, eternal, that he will never cheat on me, and that he meant forever with me. But how could all that be true when he will always have that grudge lurking inside him?

Truth be told, he doesn't want me attending baby showers or weddings, in fear that I might despise him after a while for not being able to wed me as soon as I want him to, or give me a child.

I am very upset. Disheartened. But I can never tell him how I truly feel. Can never bring myself to do that... I will always swallow whatever that is shoved down my throat. He has no idea how hurtful his words were. Yes, I admit that I made a mistake walking out on him 6 years ago, and having a chain of regrets after... But I never want to do that again.

Not until I am forced to my very last drop of blood. My patience is wearing thin. My sanity is slowly creeping away from me. If you can't stand the idea of looking past my mistakes, then please, don't love me at all.

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This is the NEW shit

2012-03-06T09:49:00.002+08:00

Marilyn Mansion is the shit.

"Babble babble bitch bitch
Rebel rebel party party
Sex sex sex and don't forget the violence
Blah blah blah got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely
Stick your stupid slogan in:
Everybody sing along,
Are you motherfuckers ready
For the new shit?
Stand up and admit,
tomorrow's never coming.
This is the new shit.
Stand up and admit.
Do we get it? No.
Do we want it? Yeah.
This is the new shit,
Stand up and admit."

And it's March already...

2012-03-05T12:13:00.002+08:00

It's already the month of March... The third month of 2012, and we are now left with 9 months to go before 1) the end of the world, or 2) to 2013. I'd rather the latter, honestly. I feel very drained out already, and would like a permanent rest from everything.

I know I have been having certain bouts of mood swing lately - happy, sad, angry, confused. I am at a lost, actually. I know why I am feeling this way, yet I am not ready to admit it. And no, I am not pregnant, thank you very much. Honestly to speak, I think the days are passing by rather quickly, and I have yet to decide if that's a good thing, or bad. But somehow or rather, it is slowing down, and dragging on... For instance, my past weekend felt like the longest ever weekend I ever had.. Instead of 2 days, it felt like 4, and I felt drained out of any energy I have in me.

I had a couple of jokes to share, that was my initial entry, before I deleted it off, and decided to type this out. I guess life is not all about jokes. I don't know what has got into me, or why I'm emo-ing so damn much. I guess, the truth is, I miss my single life. I miss my life so much. I miss being carefree, and having to care about no one, or their feelings. But now, I feel like I'm walking around eggshells every single day, trying to be very extremely careful not to crack any pieces. It's insane.

You want to know how it's like living a day with the man I love? I was just watching American Horror Story, and strangely, the character Tate Langdon reminds me so much of him. And if you do follow up on the storyline, you'd come to realize what a psycho Tate is. The way he treats Violet, and the way he treats the rest of the world - similar. The way he acts when Violet says or do something. Imagine that in real life. Imagine having to tiptoe around broken glass pieces and eggshells every single day, worried if you're gonna get cut, or are you gonna crack something.

"What's a relationship if its built on lies?"

I honestly don't know. I have been peppering white lies here and there, and I am trying to withdraw it all, and try to be completely honest as and when I can. But there's always a catch, a consequence. I even have to watch what I say. Watch my own body language. Watch my own actions. Everything has a consequence. Everyday in my life ever since I've entered 2012 has been about consequences. About being careful. Scared. Worried.

And unfortunately, I know the reason behind all that.

Yet I am not ready to admit it.

Maybe he was right... I am slowly keeping it all inside, and it is also slowly pouring out of every pore in my body. I am more easily frustrated, annoyed, irritated, angered. Yet I try so much to control my natural reactions around him. And unfortunately, I take it out on people who don't deserve it, or knows nothing about it. And yes, I know it's unfair. But it's either that, or I will literally explode out at him, and trust me, a war will start. Possibly one whereby both of us will end up dead. It's amazing how we both are controlling ourselves so well, hiding ourselves behind a wall.

It's like having two angry people in love with one another. The irony of it.

Why does life has to be so difficult, so complicated?

Why is love so damn complicated?

Why can't I love someone who is more.... normal? With no gruesome history, no violent backgrounds.

I ask myself that every single day. Of 6 billion people in the world, why did I fall for someone like him, and why can't I let go? No matter how frustrated I get, or how drained I get, I will always find it in me to go on and attend to him, his needs, his wants.

3 months into the relationship, and honestly, I think I'm going to hell, and have to make my way back later.

All I'm asking for is just some simplicity.

The innocent things in life.

Where did my innocence go? I don't know.

Love.

It will destroy you completely.

Never believe what anyone has told you about love - the beauty of it. There is no such beauty.

To love is to be destroyed.

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On a lighter note, I am glad I have found someone who actually entertain my stupidity, someone who holds my hand while I walk on a ledge next to a rocky cliff (even though there were signs saying not to, and that it's bloody dangerous), someone who does not take advantage of me, and does not initiate any physical contact unless I am comfortable with it.

I am still unsure if this is a match made in heaven, or hell.

I am still deciding if being with him is the best decision I ever made, or my biggest mistake.

I will wait till 2012 end, and maybe then, I will return with an answer.