Faking News

Proof that Madhu Koda is being framed by the CBI

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:48:07 +0000

Former Jharkhand Chief Minister Madhu Koda, who is accused of swindling off thousands of crores of public money, has claimed that he is innocent and being framed by the CBI.

An exclusive photograph obtained by Faking News suggests the same.

Since Madhu has a nice smile, Faking News is looking into the possibilities of agencies like Enforcement Directorate and Income Tax department framing him as well.

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20 years after fall of his boundary wall, Manoj still can’t think straight

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:51:27 +0000

Etawah, Uttar Pradesh. While the whole world and the Indian media remembered the 20^th anniversary of fall of the Berlin Wall yesterday, nobody spared a thought for poor Manoj Tiwary who lost his senses after his boundary wall fell on him exactly the same day twenty years back. Manoj, a 19-year-old flamboyant youth then, was sleeping in his backyard when the wall came crashing down on him causing him grievous injuries.

“It was the night of 9^th November 1989 and we had built a new boundary wall to keep our home and backyard safe from some Yadav houses in the neighborhood. Manoj offered to sleep outside to guard the wall but in the midnight we heard a loud thud and his cries for help. We rushed outside to find that he was trapped under the debris. Although people blamed bad quality of cement, I guess it were those Yadavs.” Manoj’s younger brother Sanoj recalled the turn of the events of that fateful night twenty years back.

Manoj’s family, one of the richest in their neighborhood, had a large house and a larger backyard where they had several mango trees, seven cows and other such luxuries. They usually used to scare away or beat up people who came to pluck mangoes or take away cow-dung. Things were kinda cool for them until Janta Dal started a movement around Mandal Commission in 1989 and they feared retaliation from people whom they didn’t share the cow-dung with. They decided to make a concrete wall to secure themselves from perceived threats.

“True, that Robert Frost had said – good fences make good neighbours – but Tiwaris never made good fences. They used bad cement quality that they got after bribing the local contractor (the government had de-licensed the cement industry only in 1991) and they ended up hurting themselves. There is no point blaming others when you have suffered due to your own deeds.” Tulsi Chaudhary, a local historian said.

Manoj was taken to hospital that night where he was declared brought senseless. After six months of bed rest, Manoj could recover his health but he had lost his ability to think clearly. His head had suffered from concussion and doctors were clueless how to treat him.

“I can still recall that night. His family had rushed to my home in the midnight and requested me to go to the hospital, which I immediately did. Manoj was in bad shape but we were confident of saving him. But unfortunately we couldn’t treat his mental condition.” Dr. Puneet Yadav, the local government practitioner who is still practicing there, told Faking News.

Manoj has been unsuccessfully trying to bring down walls between homes for twenty years now

Although twenty years have passed after that event, Manoj’s family still blame their neighbors of having pushed them into building the wall that caused Manoj to go crazy, but Manoj seems to differ.

Manoj is seen with a big laathi (bamboo stick) these days and he hits any boundary wall that he comes across with his laathi. Compared to 1989, there are many boundary walls in the neighborhood these days and Manoj keeps on hitting them, trying to bring them down, as he considers these walls as his enemy. People laugh at him as the walls keep on standing strong between their homes despite Manoj’s attempts.

Fearing getting slapped, Ricky Ponting taking Marathi lessons

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:30:34 +0000

Mumbai. Australian cricket team has hastily appointed a Marathi tutor after Samajwadi Party MLA Abu Azmi was pushed and slapped by MNS MLAs in the Maharashtra assembly on Monday. The Australian team members have been strictly advised not to speak to media at all and only captain Ricky Ponting has been allowed to do the talking, which incidentally has been his forte. Ponting is expected to say a sentence of Marathi while accepting the Hero Honda Cup, which the visitors have already won.

“Malla Khup Barra Vat ta kii aamhi hee shrunkala Jinkli” was repeated again and again by the Marathi tutor to Ponting as the Australian captain tried to remember the words. Australia will be playing India in the seventh and final ODI at Mumbai on Wednesday and experts have warned that MNS workers can attack the Australian cricketers after having successfully slapped Abu Azmi.

“Shishir Shinde, the MNS guy who was among the four MLAs to get suspended, had earlier warned that he would attack Australian cricketers with shoes to avenge attack on Indian students down under. Although he got suspended, the limelight was hogged by the slapper Ram Kadam. This might drive Shinde to slap Ponting to hog international limelight. Security agencies must be careful.” Amar Wagle, an expert on MNS said.

Maharashtra Home Minister R R Patil has dispelled such fears arguing that MNS had traditionally cared only for Marathi pride and not for Indian pride. He pointed out that there was no conclusive data to show that considerable proportion of Indian students, who were attacked in Australia, belonged to Maharashtra, and hence it was a non-issue for MNS. But experts have cautioned Mr. Patil against such assumptions.

Australian cricket team had insulted a well known Marathi Manoos around three years back

“MNS can see a case for Marathi pride where none may exist, and there is definitely a case here. If you recall, exactly three years back Ponting’s men had pushed NCP leader Sharad Pawar off stage and had showed no respect to him. Pawar is a Marathi Manoos and MNS would claim that they had avenged the insult to a Marathi Manoos by slapping Ponting. I guess neither the government not the Australian team should take any chances.” Amar Wagle reiterated.

Not sure about the government, but Faking News has confirmed report that Australian cricket team is taking the issue very seriously and Ponting is practicing his Marathi lessons quite sincerely.

(based on crucial inputs by Gauz. & RBK)

Unable to figure out Google Wave, youngster kills himself

Chotu Ustaad — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:41:24 +0000

Vadodara. Internet has taken a toll on human life yet again. Dildar Leherwala, a 24-year-old MBA student from Faculty of Management Studies, MS University Vadodara, committed suicide yesterday night after spending two futile days trying to understand the features of Google Wave, a new social networking service by Google. An MS Word file titled ‘Suicide_note.docx’ found on his computer’s desktop has been taken as the conclusive proof. The note explains, with vivid desperation, the mental turmoil this young man had to go through while using Google Wave which led him to take this drastic step.

Dildar watched this video explaining features of Google Wave many times before he gave up

His family and friends revealed that Dildar was an internet freak and had an unmatched fascination with e-mailing and social networking websites.

His close friend, Dhaval, recalls with moist eyes, “I remember the day five years back when Dilds got an exclusive invitation from his uncle living in the USA to join Gmail. He was so happy. He instantly opened an email account and even sent Invites to all his friends. He was so generous. He even treated us with muffins and patties in college canteen.”

Probing further, Faking News came to know some startling facts about his internet life. Dildar, incidentally had 13 e-mail accounts on 9 different e-mail hosting websites. He also had profiles on 21 social networking websites including many which were mostly unheard in India. He had 2132 friends on Orkut, 1477 on Facebook, 771 on Hi5 and 462 followers on Twitter. According to his friends, he had login ids on at least 200 different websites to get access to all kinds of stuff on internet. He even maintained a secret file on his laptop where he kept a note of all those logins and passwords. The file is still unlocated.

Dildar was restless for past few weeks since he heard about the launch of Google Wave. For more than ten days, his status message on almost all his social networking profiles said “Please send me a Google Wave invite. TIA!”

Rupesh, another close friend of Dildar explains, “He would usually change his status message twice a day on all his profiles, but this message stood for almost ten days. That showed his level of desperation. But finally his uncle from US again came to rescue and sent him a Google Wave invitation. This was on Friday. Since then, Dilds had locked himself in his room with his laptop and eatables sufficient for two days. Yesterday, when he went offline on G-Talk, we sensed something fishy and eventually had to break in to find that he had killed himself by crushing and chewing laptop batteries.”

Dildar’s suicide note sums up his need to take this drastic step. It says, “I know Google Wave is going to be bigger than anything else on internet. And being unable to understand its features fully, I feel like a loser and find myself unworthy of this life. I simply cannot show this miserable countenance to my friends and family. Thus I fully own the responsibility of ending my life and hope to be reborn with a brain fully compatible with Google Wave.”

Utterly grief stricken, Dildar’s family is planning to sue Google for his death. But following their advocate’s advice, they are currently going through the ‘Terms and Conditions’ of Google Wave before approaching the court. Net savvy Dildar had accepted thousands of terms and conditions online.

Weekend office party leaves employee with stiff stretched lips

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 13:03:56 +0000

Gurgaon. Udai Singh, a 24-year-old MNC executive was left with stiff stretched lips after he kept on smiling and laughing at the weekend office party on Saturday night. The party was attended by most of the employees and all of the bosses of the company. Anxious to please and network with his bosses, Udai kept on smiling at them and laughing at their jokes for five hours continuously, something doctors suspect of having stiffened his facial muscles.

“Udai had gone straight to the party after office hours and was hanging out with us. But once the bosses came to the party after changing their clothes, he suddenly excused himself and went to his immediate boss. He didn’t come back to join us after that moment and was still hanging out with the bosses when we left for our homes. This morning we heard the news that he was taken to a doctor for treatment.” Nirmal, a colleague of Udai said.

Udai was really happy last night

The party, touted by the HR department as being the monthly extravaganza for the employees of Mindmore Services Private Limited, was held nine months after a similar party was organized early this year. At that time employees had requested the HR department to not hold any more monthly parties as they realized that the costs of organizing the party was to be recovered from nowhere else but employees’ salaries. Udai had missed the last party and later on concluded that it had cost him a good performance appraisal. He got a chance again last night when a party was called to celebrate the birthday of the CEO.

“My bosses didn’t know much about me and I could hardly network with them as Atul, who regularly used to share cigarettes with them. Atul had befriended his boss in that last party after his boss had puked on him after drinking too much beer. Since then he had been quite close to his boss and he got a promotion and handsome salary hike last week, while I was left without any increment at all even though I work harder and smarter than Atul.” Udai told Faking News at a speed of twenty words per minute as his lips hurt while speaking.

Udai’s friends tell that he was quite active last night. Most of them heard him laughing real loud when the Sales head of the company declared, after finishing his fifth peg of Black Dog, that he could even sell his dog for three golden cats at a coal mine. Apparently it was joke and Udai was the first one to get it, followed by giggles from other seniors present at the party.

“He was finding all the jokes funny and laughing louder than Siddhu in Laughter Challenge.” recalled Nirmal.

Apart from laughing, his colleagues inform that Udai was also smiling at each of the bosses whenever their eyes met and said “hello sir” to them and lowered his head and neck each time. He was also seen holding drinks for his immediate boss when his boss went to pee. A few of his colleagues had started making jokes about him while a few felt jealous of his abilities.

Udai spent almost five hours at the party and was dropped to his home by his boss in his swanky car. This made Udai feel really good and he immediately went to sleep, but woke up with stretched stiff lips this morning. His flatmates had to take him to a doctor.

Udai has written to the HR department of Mindmore to foot the bills as he has termed his medical condition as a case of professional hazard. Mindmore was closed on Sunday and nobody was available for comments.

Pakistan arrests Indian parrot on charges of spying and sabotage

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:30:50 +0000

Karachi, Pakistan. As a further concrete and clinching proof of Indian involvement in terrorist and illegal activities in Pakistan, Pakistani officials have arrested an Indian parrot on charges of spying and sabotage. The parrot, who has been living in Pakistan for almost three years now, was reportedly repeating some top secret code words of Pakistani army when the alert officials apprehended him. Pakistani officials claim that the parrot was trained by Indian intelligence group RAW and was a long time spy.

“This spy parrot has been living under the name of Mitthu Miyaan in Pakistan, but his real name is Sugga Shukla and his home is the Indian city of Kolkata. He was trying to pass on critical information related to our armed forces to his Indian bosses back in Delhi. I guess they were planning to attack our headquarters.” Pakistani general and the Chief of Army Staff Ashfaq Parvez Kayani told media persons, while warning India against sending more spies into Pakistan.

Indian parrot easily destroying a Pakistani pen that was imported from China

Kayani also informed that the same parrot has been working as a mimicry artist in the Indian embassy in London three years back and had a dubious record of remembering secret words and repeating them. Kayani parried the questions when he was asked to explain how the arrested parrot learned the secret code words of Pakistani Army e.g. whether birds and animals allowed access to the secret and strategic army meetings of the Army or whether the government and army officials were reckless or corrupt to leak the information to a parrot.

Meanwhile a bird seller of Faridkot in Multan province has claimed that the arrested parrot was his favorite pet, and was forcibly taken away by the Pakistani forces who didn’t even pay him the price for the parrot.

“The army is talking bullshit! Mitthu is mine and I had trained him to repeat some words from my son’s textbooks. I don’t know what is this crap about top secret codes. Whatever Mitthu says are a part of those books that each Pakistani kid reads. Whatever are the reasons, but I should at least have been paid the price of Mitthu that would have given me at least 700 rupees.” Azmal Gulab, the bird seller told Geo TV, a leading Pakistani news channel.

Pakistani officials refused to comment on this aspect but they told that they would meet Azmal Gulab and clear his misconceptions forever. They also informed that the arrested parrot would be paraded before the visiting CIA and FBI officials, and the international community would be asked to put pressure on India to close its terror camps against Pakistan.

Millions injured as series of Tendulkar debates rock various parts of India

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:44:17 +0000

Hyderabad. As soon as India lost to Australia by three runs in the fifth ODI of the Hero Honda Cup on Thursday night, various cities in India were shaken violently by Tendulkar debates, with people attacking each other over the culpability of Sachin Tendulkar for the loss. At least 5.7 million people were reportedly injured with heartbreaks, spoilt mood, scratched arms, banged backs, and pulled hairs as the debate grew shriller.

India was largely peaceful and united till Tendulkar was scoring runs

Sachin Tendulkar had scored 175 runs, his 45^th ODI century, as India chased Australia’s total of 350, but he got out when just 19 runs were needed of 17 balls to win the match. Rest of the bat-holding-cricketers couldn’t hit those required runs as India fell short by 3 runs, triggering a barrage of verbal assaults between different groups of Indians.

Terms like “what the fuck”, “oh no not again”, “#$@$@#!”,“God deserved better”, “dont give me that shit”, “nobody needs your opinion”, “shut your fucking mouth”, “get out of here you asshole”, and various other expletives exploded on twitter, facebook, orkut and various discussion forums as people attacked, defended and sympathized with Sachin Tendulkar’s innings.

“I was thrown slippers at when I argued that Sachin played a reckless shot. I did a George Bush to save myself but seriously, what the fuck. Can’t I even express my opinion?” Rajesh, a student of IIT Kanpur said, who argued that Sachin should have anticipated the velocity of the ball, the angle his bat’s surface was making with ball, the resultant torque, the trajectory of the projectile, and the displacement of the fielder before he hit that shot that got him out.

People defending Tendulkar argued that he had every right to get out at any time as cricket was a team game and Sachin had no business winning it all alone for India. Most of these people blamed non-Sachin factors for the defeat like failure of the middle-order batsmen, Dhoni’s decision to take a late powerplay, and the spirited display of tail-ender batting and running between wickets by cricketers led by the highly enigmatic all-rounder Ravindra Jadeja.

“Why the hell people expect Sachin to do everything? There are ten other players also in the team. Nobody says them anything. We have been putting up this nonsense since 90’s and it was 90’s once again yesterday night. Although I felt sad, I felt young again.” Durgesh, a Sachin supporter said, who kept his green colored Mickey Mouse towel on his left shoulder all through the match as he strongly believes that that it brings good luck to Sachin whenever he (Durgesh) watches matches on television that way.

Apart from clashes in hostels and on internet, various other households also witnessed tensions and fights over the issue. A newly married couple in New Delhi slept in different bedrooms as the wife giggled after Tendulkar was out and predicted that India would lose the match because her husband had denied her an episode of Bigg Boss.

Mayawati joins facebook! Exclusive snapshot of her wall

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:37:51 +0000

The picture above is imaginary (photoshopped) and should not be confused as depicting a real facebook wall from any existing profile.

The picture has been automatically adjusted for a narrow width and hence the text might not be clear to be read and enjoyed.

Please click here to see the picture in the original size.

Munaf Patel and Dinesh Karthik to play for Australia tomorrow

Guest Patrakar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:18:20 +0000

Hyderabad. Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has offered Indian players to the visiting Australian team that is suffering from grave injury problems causing many of their players to go back home. Keeping with the homegrown rules of Indian cricket, Indian captain has offered his Australian counterpart a chance to play Indian players in their side for the remaining matches of the series. As a result, Munaf Patel and Dinesh Karthik could be playing for Australia tomorrow.

“What we want here is a good contest. Offering our bench strength to the visiting team will not only ensure that we have a good match but also help our boys, who have been warming benches, to have some match practice. This will also help revive the traditional Indian gully cricket culture, where in two captains flipped a coin to decide who picks which player”, Dhoni said.

Ponting: Thanks mate, we have already given you a lot of IPL players.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting seemed pleased with the decision and has gracefully accepted the offer. Ponting was quite worried after his ace bowler Peter Siddle had to pull out of last match and was sent back home. Siddle was the fourth player after Brett Lee, Tim Paine and James Hopes who returned home. Australia were already without Michael Clarke, Brad Haddin, Callum Ferguson and Nathan Bracken, and people wondered if a playing eleven for Australia was possible in such a situation.

“At the end what matters is a good game of cricket. Munaf would be spearheading our bowling attack and Karthik will be keeping wickets. We thank Dhoni for setting up foundation for an exciting contest. Not only will this give a good game, it will also be for the world to see how well the Aussies gel with the Indians (referring to recent attacks on Indian Students in Australia).” Ponting hoped.

But the player, who is being much talked about here, didn’t seem quite happy with the decision. “I have played with Shane Warne, and they (Aussies) make you exercise a lot and run till the last breath. Right now, I am happy just sitting and relaxing at the boundary. I’m not complaining and I’m getting my fee due. They should have asked me before deciding.” Munaf expressed his unhappiness.

A few other senior players too have expressed unhappiness, including Zaheer Khan, RP Singh, Irfan Pathan and Yusuf Pathan. They wonder why they were not asked to play for Australia. “They are more than willing to play and sweat out in the field”, says Abhishek Desh, Manager, Café Coffee Day outlet in Andheri (West), Mumbai where these players keep on relaxing all day.

Though, it will be quite a contest to see now with these new developments, rumors are steaming in from the other side of the world about the sequel to movie Blue. It seems that after trying out Australian singer-actress Kylie Minogue in Blue, now the producers want to try Australian cricketers for the sequel, hoping to be lucky second time. Suspicions are being raised that Australian cricketers are shying away from international duties to conserve energy for the auditions.

(submitted through email by TechPek)

Bear who killed terrorists could become Chief Minister of Maharashtra

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:30:22 +0000

Mumbai. Government has decided to reward the brave bear, who mauled two Hizbul terrorists to death in Jammu & Kashmir, by appointing him the new Chief Minister of Maharashtra. With this step, the government is also hoping to address the leadership and political crisis in Maharashtra where a new government is yet to be formed even as it’s been almost two weeks since the assembly election results were announced. But it seems that the decision might be mired in controversies.

“The bear will be an interim and caretaker Chief Minister till Congress and NCP reach a compromise formula on power sharing.” Home Minister P Chidambaram informed while praising the patriotic bear for its deeds, adding, “I think it’s good for the people of Maharashtra and citizens of Mumbai to have a Chief Minister who has firsthand experience of dealing with terrorists, especially after we have received intelligence reports that India was still vulnerable to 26/11 type of attack. We hope to convince the great bear for this job.”

Exclusive file photo of the brave bear

Local leaders of Congress and NCP stayed away from commenting over the decision but leaders from both the groups were trying to claim that the bear was ideologically nearer to their respective parties. BJP and Shiv Sena, although have favored installing a life-size statue of the bear in the city, have ridiculed the decision to make him the head of the state. The coalition has asked the governor to instead allow them to form the government as they could maul anyone as effectively as any grizzly bear.

But most vocal in their protests were activists from MNS, who threatened to bash up bhaiyyas if an outsider was made the Chief Minister of Maharashtra. MNS has demanded that the bear should first prove that it knew Marathi and respected Marathi culture before it was even allowed to enter the city. The party made clear that they were not against bears but local interests must be respected.

Our staff reporter was hit on his head with a hockey stick when he pointed out to the MNS workers that the bear could as well be termed as a local, because bulls and bears were long associated with BSE (Bombay Stock Exchange) and were a part of the local culture. Apparently MNS workers didn’t like him uttering Bombay instead of Mumbai. Our reporter has been rushed to a government hospital nearby.

“It’s unfortunate that your reporter had to undergo this, but he made an important observation that must not be overlooked. At a time when the economy is still going through troubled phase, I guess we should avoid having a bear as head of the state. We should look for eligible bulls.” a political expert said.

Meanwhile the brave bear, unaware to these developments, has been sleeping in his cave all alone, even as various mediapersons have gathered outside his cave to take his exclusive interviews. Faking News reporter was the first person who tried to get inside the cave for an exclusive bite. He too has been rushed to a government hospital nearby.

Book Review: The Seven Habits of Highly Effeminate People

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:12:32 +0000

Mumbai. Leading self-help author Rohit G Verma has written a wonderful new book to help people develop effeminate qualities, which can put them in an altogether different league of success and fame. Faking News got the first copy of the book and our editorial team went sissy after reading it. We realized what a dork we have been to burn our brains and muscles to achieve those milestones that could have come our way by just acting a little effeminate.

The book is aptly titled “The Seven Habits of Highly Effeminate People” and is expected to sell at least fifteen million copies of the first print. The publishers, Bigg Books 3 Private Limited, are so confident of the sales volumes that they have already put the claim “over 15 million sold” on the top of the book. Faking News can vouch that the book will be runaway success and help people grow effeminate.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effeminate People

In the foreword, Rohit beautifully argues how the metrosexual men have been confused by the silly craze of developing six-pack abs and have ignored the alternate ways to achieve the desirable ends. He claims that he has hugged more women in his life than men with eight pack abs and bulging muscles. Rohit strongly urges the men to free themselves from outdated beliefs that men should be strong and stoic.

The main book is divided into seven chapters, each of them propounding a habit that makes a man effeminate, and in turn rich and famous. Each habit has been backed up with examples from personal lives of successful effeminate people from around the world, and a strong case has been built around them. Each chapter is thought provoking.

Following is a brief of all the chapters i.e. habits of effeminate people:

Habit 1: Always, without fail, sit with your legs crossed.

Habit 2: Apply kaajal on your eyes, wear a hair band, and smear some lip gloss.

Habit 3: Hug women as if they were teddy bears. Kiss men and women alike.

Habit 4: Shake hands with men and women alike. Keep a loose grip and feel their palms. Take deep breaths when you greet them.

Habit 5: Cry profusely when you don’t have any answer or when a joke is cracked on you or when someone tells you to wash the dishes.

Habit 6: Laugh profusely too. Shake your hands while laughing after your teeth are fully exposed. Cover your teeth if you have braces on them.

Habit 7: Walk as if your buttocks were piston of a steam engine.

Rohit argues that once a person masters all the above habits, he becomes highly effeminate and capable of being a celebrity. He warns that initially the society might try to resist such people and might even call them gay, but they should persist with the habits and prove their effeminacy. Rohit surely makes a strong case of everything.

Faking News recommends this book to anyone who has felt like a loser till now and has lost all hopes from life. This book can simply change your life. Go get a copy.

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“you could fatally attack and murder your boss this month”

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 19:56:56 +0000

According to Wikipedia, November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, National Novel Writing Month, Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month, Transgender Awareness Month, American Diabetes Month, Lung Cancer Awareness Month, National Homeless Youth Awareness Month, Crohn’s & Ulcerative Colitis Awareness Month, and the month dedicated to the Holy Souls in Purgatory in the Roman Catholic Church.

Phew, what a busy month, even though some of them don’t make sense at all!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Winter is setting and you need to take a good care of yourself or your body parts can shrink beyond redemption. To add to your worries, fire (agni) is in the fifth house and is surrounded by ketu, it actually doesn’t mean a shit but you should be scared and take precautions. Before you step out of your house, you should chew three leaves of rose along with little pieces of coconut and a dash of turmeric and pepper. This will keep you healthy and alert and your spouse will love you. You will also be promoted in your job at which you suck.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Holy fuck! You might murder your boss this month as he will refuse to grant you any leaves at all even though you have so many marriages of your friends to attend. If you are unmarried, the chances are high that you would attack your boss and fatally injure him in full public view. This could potentially end your career and public life as you’d be arrested on charges of culpable homicide. But there is a solution. You should take a little bit of ear wax from your left ear and apply it on the right cheek of your boss. Boss will be all ears to you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
You have been staring at the dog of your neighbor for long hoping to kill him (the dog). You should watch the Hollywood movie “The Men Who Stare at Goats” starring George Clooney that would release in the first week of November. As you’d know Clooney also talks to his dead pig, with whom he used to share bed, with help of a psychic. Know more about Clooney and you might soon be able to kill that ugly dog, who has been pissing in your shoes, and later even talk to the dead dog with help of a psychic. Pretty cool!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Oh dear, you have a very bad month ahead. All through November, people would confuse you for being in the Halloween mood, as you’d always appear spooky to them. You could try taking bath daily even though it would be tough in winters. Or alternatively, you could wrap a small piece of onion in your handkerchief and throw the hanky below a running truck on any highway. Then take out the smashed piece of onion and eat it with two slices bread and strawberry jam. Don’t forget to remember your favorite god before you take first bite.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)
All the planets are in auspicious houses for you, but you could still go homeless as you’d have to default on your home loan payments yet again. Since you are not any MP or MLA, you’d not have much of time and hefty recovery agents can throw you out on roads along with your furniture and clothes. This could happen because your home in not vaastu-complaint. You should move your toilet near kitchen and put that sofa on the terrace. Start sleeping with your head making an angle of 37.5% north east of your spouse’s left leg, and most of your troubles would go away.

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
Unmarried Virgo men need to be extra careful this month as their girlfriends can ask them to strip on webcam for love’s sake. Little would they know that she’d be recording the proceedings and would soon put it on YouTube as “Funny video of Indian man showing his little tool” which will attract at least 50000 views o the inaugural day. The instance can leave deep scars on you and you could be forced to become a professional stripper for the rest of your life. Take precautions and don’t use internet on Mondays, Thursdays and on Weekends.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)
As an MBA student, you’d spoil your winters to have a nice summer placement. But to sail through your summer placement interviews, you must make sure that moon is in its third house. Draw pictures of one horned dog on the hostel door of the room that is third to left of your own room. Tear every third page of your economics text book and insert them into the accounting text book. Your lucky number is 0.333 and your lucky number for this month is turquoise black.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
You have chances of getting hit by a cricket ball while watching cricket in a stadium, so wear helmet when you go there. You could also try wearing helmet while driving your bike as your neighbor is quite jealous of your new wife and is looking to break your head. Time period between 9.00 AM to 5.00 PM are not good for you and something untoward can happen to you so avoid doing anything in the above time period. Wear half pink and half yellow on Monday and Thursday.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You have been secretly peeing on the roof of your apartment block but this month you could be caught doing so. People would no longer believe it to be the work of any cat or dog as they have been doing till now, and there is good chance that you would be beaten like a donkey. Give three golden rings to the janitor of the colony and take him/her out for a date at Café Coffee Day and you could be saved from the wrath. The janitor would try to kiss you or hold your hand, yield to his/her demands and god will forgive you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your appetite will grow this month and you’d always feel like eating something or the other. If you are a politician you would eat into the public reserves and empty the state treasury. If you are a cricketer, you would eat all balls and score pathetically slow. If you are a cook, you would be fired. If you are a doctor, god save the patient. If you are a beggar, god save you. Normally you can’t do much about it and you would have to live with it, but some of you might try to keep three bricks on your stomach and ask your friend to stand on it for three minutes to ward off the evil forces.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
Aquarian women have strong chances of developing six pack abs while the men could develop saggy chests (man-boobs). Women will receive appreciation and men will attract admiration to the extent that little boys would be staring at your man-boobs. But if this idea scares you off, you can try to cross dress as anyway November is the Transgender Awareness Month and you could claim to be doing your bit. Women should apply five milligrams of ash on their forehead after burning tortoise mosquito coil while men should apply lip gloss.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You would actually cry after seeing some episode of Bigg Boss and lose half your call balance in your cellphone by participating in online votes and polls of reality shows and news channels. Because of such behavior people would start seeing you as loser so you must act cool all this month. Show middle finger to your workers when they crack jokes at you and do hi-fives with your bosses, these things would make you real cool and your colleagues would be full of respect towards you. You can also try wearing a polythene underwear during office hours.

Government issues final warning to raging fire at Jaipur IOC depot

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:51:23 +0000

Madurai. Addressing a group of firemen and volunteers at a public meeting here, Home Minister P Chidambaram issued a strongly worded statement warning the recklessly raging fire at Jaipur IOC (Indian Oil Corporation) depot of dire consequences if it didn’t die down all by itself in the next two days. Fire and smoke has been shamelessly billowing out of the IOC depot at Jaipur for the last four days even as the government has showed commendable tolerance and patience and had not done anything at all.

“We prefer to settle problems through consensual dialogues rather than corrective actions. But let the fire not take this as a sign of our indifference or incompetence, we are capable of taking on any threat and give a crushing response to any party.” Chidambaram asserted the government position and issued a 48-hour deadline for the fire to extinguish itself, failing which the government might be pushed to take some actions against the shameless flames.

Shameless fire mocking a magnanimous administration

Home Minister was full of praise for the IOC officials for showing admirable restraint at the time of such an unseen crisis. Apparently an ugly leakage of oil had preceded the fire at the depot, but officials kept their cool and didn’t panic to take any action even as the locals bugged them to do something. Minister announced that the depot managers and person in charge would be transferred to better cities as a reward. He likened the efforts of the officials with those in Australia who have been fighting bushfires for ages.

“Australians have a long history of being patient and persistent with bushfires, even though they are just the opposite with their rivals on cricket grounds. With the efforts of IOC officials and the local administration, now India can claim to be next to Australia in fire fighting mechanisms. We might as well beat them to gain the number one status.” Chidambaram expressed hope.

Despite these stern warnings and expressions of hope, the fire at the IOC depot in Jaipur showed no signs of relenting when reports last came in. Experts believe that the fire is calling the government’s bluff.

“Fire has been an integral part of the Indian polity as far as I know. None of the Indian leaders are capable of dousing any fire, but they are capable of igniting new ones. And when you ask them for solutions, they would say – we didn’t start the fire, it was always burning. Isn’t it? Fire has seen all this and it understands the psyche of your leaders very well. It knows that these warning don’t mean anything.” Billy Joel, a global expert on fires told Faking News.

Hrithik Roshan arrested by police for smuggling aliens into India

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 09:21:27 +0000

Wagah Border, Punjab. Bollywood star Hrithik Roshan has been caught by the BSF while carrying an alien and handed over to the Punjab Police, who have detained him on charges of trying to smuggle aliens into the country. Hrithik had come here a week back to take part in a joint India-Pakistan charity show but it seems it was just an excuse to smuggle aliens into India. These aliens (readers are advised not to confuse aliens with Pakistani citizens) are reported to have come to India as a part of a dance troupe from Pakistan.

Although Punjab Police has kept Hrithik Roshan in their custody since yesterday night, they are a bit confused about the charges they should frame in the chargesheet. Hrithik can’t be booked either under anti-human trafficking laws or under smuggling charges, as aliens are neither humans nor tradable goods. In order to shift focus and blame, police is now questioning immigration officials to find out how the aliens could be allowed inside the country at first place without having the valid documents.

Hrithik Roshan with a suspected alien

While the police and the immigration officials are busy settling the issue, Hrithik Roshan has been forced to spend time in jail. Hrithik’s lawyer has claimed that the detention of the Bollywood star is illegal. “Our police should study the law first rather than taking illogical actions. Fans need not worry as we have applied for bail.” Hrithik’s lawyer said, but it seems the star will need to spend at least three days in police custody as courts are closed on weekends. This could be a complete waste of time as Roshan family is no way associated with the upcoming movie Jail starring Neil Nitin Mukesh.

Faking News tried to contact the police officials but they refused to comment over the issue. But our sources say that Hrithik was smuggling these aliens to act in the third movie of the to-be-completed trilogy of Koi Mil Gaya, Krrish, and to-be-announced movie (could be Krrish 2). Such aliens are very economical to employ as compared to hiring Indian actors, whose real faces would anyway not be seen on screen (remember Jaadu).

A new twist to the whole episode was given when India TV claimed that the aliens that Hrithik was trying to smuggle were the same ones who had abducted cows from different parts of the world. The channel ran a show titled “gaai maata ke gunahgaaron ko sazaa do” (punish the criminals of mother cow) and lambasted the police for having apprehended only Hrithik, while letting the cow-abducting aliens go scot free.

Faking News again tried to contact police officials but they again refused to comment. But again, our sources confirmed that the aliens, whom Hrithik was trying to sign a contract with, had ran away very fast as soon as the police raid began. Most of the police officials were plump and sported bulging belly and hence could not match the fitness of the aliens. Police has sealed all the borders of Wagah and are carrying out a search operation to nab the aliens.

For Bollywood, it comes as rude shock as most of their stars are ending going to jail at some point or other.

Lecherous man declares himself as nation’s leading cleavage critic

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 10:51:13 +0000

Mumbai. Pandu Gupta, a 27-year-old jobless engineer, has demanded respect and attention of the nation for being India’s leading and perhaps the only cleavage critic. Pandu, who claims to have spent 69% of his non-sleeping time in the last fourteen years ogling at breasts of women, also released a self-researched-and-authored white-paper on various types of breasts found in India and ways to grasp the hidden meaning in them.

“Let’s accept it. Don’t we find men staring at women’s breasts each now and then almost everywhere? No matter how many breasts they might have seen earlier, men still get riveted on the new ones, don’t they? It’s just like a Cricket match or Bollywood movie, we have seen so many of them and yet we throng the stadiums and multiplexes to see new ones. Now if we have cricket columnists and movie reviewers, why is the nation shying away from having a cleavage critic?” Pandu made a pitch for himself.

Pandu argued that not only staring-at-breasts was a healthy practice, it was now an accepted norm in the foreign countries (sic). He thought it was high time we Indians stopped being prudish hypocrites.

“If the society thinks it’s a bad thing, why don’t we see a sticker saying please don’t stare at women’s breasts in public buses, while there are stickers asking the male commuters to give seats to women?” Pandu asked a dumbfounded audience, adding, “I’m not saying anything shocking. Don’t we have TV ads saying men will be men, I’m saying the same. In fact, I’m proposing that let’s move forward and get something meaningful out of it.”

Pandu couldn’t really explain his ‘something meaningful’ part of the argument, but he requested the media persons and other fellow lewd gawkers to go through his white-paper that supposedly had a lot of meaningful insights into breast analysis and appreciation.

One of the Exhibits from Pandu’s white-paper that was analyzed by Faking News editorial team

“I had correctly predicted that Sherlyn Chopra would be out of Bigg Boss after I watched her cleavage on Colors (TV). Apart from predictions, I can also grade and rank celebrity cleavages and release weekly ratings, which I’m sure the nation is hungry to follow and it can push up TRPs of any TV channel or readership of any newspaper. It’s not been an easy expertise to develop, but it’s very useful to our society and I’m at your disposal.” Pandu reaffirmed his pitch.

Pandu’s claims have elicited mixed reactions out of the citizens of the nation. Some people have appreciated the candor and talent of Pandu, while others have termed him a prurient prick. One of his former friends, who picked up an ugly fight with him when he caught Pandu staring at the breasts of his girlfriend, claimed that Pandu was sick.

“He has been watching porn movies and he can’t think anything beyond that. He is too idiot to become even a critic of porn movies. You know, for a long time he thought How I Met Your Mother was some porn series like My Friend’s Hot Mom. He is a sick bastard.” Pandu’s friend said.

But Pandu is undaunted by such attacks and is confident that his talents would be suitably rewarded.

Swine Flu virus killed in encounter in Gujarat, opposition cry foul

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 09:19:48 +0000

Ahmedabad. Within hours of some unidentified virus, suspected to be belonging to the Swine Flu group, attacking Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi, comes the claim of Gujarat Police that they have gunned down the suspected virus in an encounter. While the Gujarat government is claiming that the encounter was an achievement and an important step towards safety of people, the opposition parties have termed it as a fake encounter. Congress has demanded a CBI enquiry into the whole episode.

“Narendra Modi had gone to Russia and was tested positive for Swine Flu after he returned. Clearly it was a Russian virus that attacked him, but the state police have killed an Indian virus. It defies all logic and shows how much unreasonable and trigger happy the state administration has become under Modi. Furthermore, did anyone see even the dead body of the virus? This is as fake as it can get.” Congress leader Shankar Singh Vaghela said.

Exclusive photo of Swine Flu virus

Police sources have informed that the dead body of the killed virus was immediately quarantined and sent for post-mortem and that’s why no one could see it. They refused the demands of media persons to let them see the dead body citing security and health reasons. Narendra Modi, who is also being quarantined for similar reasons after testing positive for H1N1 virus this morning, has issued a statement praising the police for the brave act.

“5.0671017 crore Gujaratis are proud of their police forces, who have relentlessly encountered all kinds of problems all by themselves to let the common man enjoy daandiya fearlessly. Friends from Congress are habituated of making imaginary accusations and I pray to god that they get some sense. I hope and pray that each and every of such viruses would be soon neutralized, that’s the final solution.” a statement from Chief Minister’s office read.

Apart from the political class, which is usually divided over most of the issues, even the scientists and doctors are deeply divided over this issue. Most of the doctors have expressed displeasure over the police department killing viruses.

“It’s our job to kill germs and viruses. Police must not meddle into our affairs. This is just as bad as judiciary meddling into the affairs of the legislature, and we all know how bitterly the political class had reacted then. But now, none of them are talking about this issue, instead they are playing politics over it. We are politely appealing to our police forces not to take up jobs that are our prerogative.” Dr. Hemal Desai said.

Serious objections have been raised by microbiologists and scientists as well, who have objected to the use of the term “killed” for a virus. Opinions differ among the scientific community on whether viruses are a form of life. They have been described as “organisms at the edge of life” by many. Scientists have appealed to the media and the police force not to spread misinformation by making headlines like “Swine Flu virus killed”.

Faking News ignored their appeal as it’s our policy to be more concerned about traffic than veracity of facts.

Taliban discovers Plant Psychology, bans haraam vegetables

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:41:42 +0000

Waziristan, Pakistan. In an apparent attempt to appear forward looking and scholarly, Taliban has declared that Plant Psychology, a disputed field of study under Plant Physiology, is compatible with their own disputed version of Islam. After researching and vegetating investigating for decades, Taliban scholars have finally concluded that plants and vegetables have life and they react to physical and psychological stimuli i.e. plants don’t only feel pain and agony, but they can even hate you for mistreating them.

“Subhanallah! This is a tight slap on the face of infidels who have been calling us backward and enemies of modern science, even though we love RDX, AK47s and audio-video messages. But finally our wise men have been able to conclude what the kaafirs couldn’t even comprehend for so many years. Inshallah, now we will spread the light of our knowledge everywhere.” Taliban CMO Maulana Mushroom Azahar declared from a mountain top.

This is the first time Taliban has discovered something in the field of science, even though they have been pretty regular with discovering new meanings of religion, crime and punishment each day. But this discovery by Taliban has caused them to issue a rather quirky command for the whole Muslim world, which has been already implemented in the Swat Valley and South Waziristan.

Taliban scholars have concluded that since plants and vegetables can feel pain and agony and can even hate you, they are as good as animals and birds. They have declared that halaal, or the prescribed method of slaughtering in Islam, will apply to plants and vegetables too.

Are these halaal or jhatka vegetables?

“With this new information bestowed upon us by Allah, it’s beyond doubt that chopping or cutting of vegetables is as good as slaughtering of an animal. Undoubtedly, the current style of vegetable cutting is haraam. Muslims all over the world are indulging in this sin unknowingly, but now that we have shown them the true path they must reform themselves, or we will have to punish them.” Mushroom Azahar warned the gathering and asked his supporters to behead anyone chopping vegetables in jhatka style i.e. briskly slicing the vegetables apart.

This new command is reportedly causing a lot of inconvenience to the local population, especially to the housewives, who are now spending almost the whole day preparing food. According to the way prescribed by Taliban scholars, people have to first swipe vegetables with a sharp knife without splitting it into two or more disjoint pieces and then wait for the moisture or natural juice of the vegetables to dry up. Taliban scholars have declared these moisture or juices as being equivalent to an animal’s blood. Once the vegetables are considerably dried up, people are allowed to cut the vegetables into separate and smaller pieces.

Local people, especially the women, have been unable to do anything else other than cooking food since the command has been implemented in the area. Restaurants in the region too have been seeing huge backlog as they have been unable to meet demand for vegetables from customers. Such developments have caused everyone in the area to spend more time on food preparation and consumption than anything else. But surprisingly, not everyone is complaining.

“After they banned playing football, watching television, celebrating local festivals, and going to school, we had a lot of free time and we didn’t know what to do. Now all of us are busy cutting and chopping vegetables. I guess they have done a nice job.” Assif Zordari, a local resident told our reporter.

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Indian terror camps in Balochistan messed up in corruption

Man suffering from loose motion wants debate on root causes of diarrhea

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:19:00 +0000

Dantewada, Chhattisgarh. Ajit Sahu, a man suffering from loose motion, has refused to take medicines and has instead demanded a public debate on the root causes of diarrhea. Ajit was almost a hostage in his toilet for more than two hours yesterday and has been facing this problem for over a month now, but he still maintains that the society would be better off if root causes of diarrhea were discussed as against administering medicines for loose motion.

“These are just symptoms and the society is going crazy over them. What is more important it to look beyond these symptoms to identify the main problem. I guess the government has to take responsibility in this case. I don’t get pure food or water. I don’t even get good toilet papers. I guess the root cause is government inaction and apathy.” Ajit said.

Symptom or solution?

Ajit has found support among many intellectuals and thinkers, who feel that the root causes of issues must be probed before getting worked up over small symptoms like loose motion. These people have accused the civil society of sweeping critical issues under the carpet.

“People can see loose motions of Ajit in the last month, but they have been blind to the real problem, which is government inaction that has been rampant for ages now. By treating small symptoms like loose motion, the real problems will go unchecked. Ajit has done the right thing.” Arun Rai, a renowned thinker thought.

But Ajit’s neighbors have expressed deepest concern over his condition as they fear that the sewage pipe of the colony could get blocked if Ajit is not administered medicines anytime soon. They also wonder how could they include Ajit in any public debate if he needs to go to toilet intermittently.

“How can you debate with a person who is busy coming up with loads of shit? We pity his condition even though he might have got a point there when he talks about some root causes. But if we keep looking at the roots, the problem will only branch out in all directions. Tomorrow someone else from the neighborhood can fall victim to this condition. We have to check this shit before it goes too far.” Vir Sahu, a neighbor of Ajit said.

Broad minded liberals decry revenge cry of beheaded cop’s son

Did Savita Bhabhi know too much about spectrum allotment scam?

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:30:35 +0000

New Delhi. An undercover investigation by Faking News into the issue of internet censorship has thrown up startling facts about the toon porn star Savita Bhabhi and the 2G spectrum scam. Not only we found, to our delirious delight, that Savita Bhabhi existed in reality, but we were shocked to know that she enjoyed close relationships with officials in the Ministry of Communications and Information Technology, so close that she eventually met her virtual death.

Our investigations started when we tried to find out why Savita Bhabhi website was banned. We tried to download some documents from the website of Department of Information Technology, which falls under the Ministry of Communications and Information Technology. To our amusement and alarm, we found that one of the downloaded pdf files was actually a Savita Bhabhi story. Initially we thought that the website was hacked, but then we decided to probe further.

“In course of our investigations, we found that officials at the ministry relished reading Savita Bhabhi stories. We befriended one of them, who under effect of tharra (desi wine) bragged to us that he had even met Savita Bhabhi. At first we thought he had got high, but later on realized that he actually has been lying low on this issue. After more drinks, he gave us the address of Savita Bhabhi and fell unconscious.” Anirudh Bekal, our investigative reporter informs.

She looks almost the same in reality

Our team hunted down Savita Bhabhi at the leaked address, which we can’t tell you for security reasons, and met her in person. She indeed was voluptuous. For a second our team forgot what story they were chasing, but somehow regained their conscious and probed Savita Bhabhi. Initially Bhabhi resisted, but finally she yielded to our sustained efforts. She told us the hitherto unknown and unpublished story.

“Yes, I was very close to some of them, but I was doing it all (entertaining them) on a professional basis. It was back in 2007. One day I asked for money for my services to which they replied that I was like their friend. Then I told them that they should give me money as they’d give to a friend who would have offered some professional service. So they gave me just a few hundred rupees. They clarified that they employed the rates of 2001 for calculating fees for friends in 2007.” Savita Bhabhi disclosed.

Initially Savita Bhabhi couldn’t understand anything but later on she came to know that the Ministry had valued the value of 2G spectrum fees at 2001 rates in the year 2007, and the same yardstick was applied in Savita Bhabhi’s case too. But in this case, Savita Bhabhi was the loser as she was the one to receive money, while in the spectrum allotment case it was the government that received the money.

Savita Bhabhi had decided to recount this story to her cartoonist and let this story full of sleaze and suspense come out in open, but the concerned parties panicked and pressurized the people in the Ministry to ban the website. Savita Bhabhi was threatened and told to shut up. Now she has mustered courage to speak out. After giving interview to us, she has decided to go into hiding at an undisclosed place.

(Before the Government decides to ban Faking News as well, we want to clarify that the above report is purely a work of fiction. Readers are advised to learn that government officials or ministers never read any porn stories or visit any porn sites. They are very good people doing very good work. The above story was just a crappy attempt (seriously, I wanted to erase it after writing it) to bring out some of the alleged malpractices in the so-called 2G spectrum scam. Readers should research more about it to know the truth.)

Government launches special schemes for toilet graffiti artists

gkhamba — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 12:44:56 +0000

New Delhi. Inspired by the varied variety of drawings of the male and female anatomy found across bathroom doors and walls of public establishments, the Ministry of Culture has decided to launch a scholarship program to bring all these toilet graffiti artists together and provide them a platform to display their finest works. The idea of the program came to Ministry officials after noticing the exquisitely drawn free flowing diagrams of penises, boobies and vulvas drawn in every bathroom of government run hotels, auditoriums and even the secretariat buildings.

Announcing the scheme, Ambika Soni, the Minister of Culture said, “It is indeed amazing that no previous government had launched a program to bring out India’s hidden artistic talent that starts developing during high schools itself. It was literally sitting right under our noses! These drawings not only show the impressive training and technique that has gone into creation of the masterpieces, but also the entrepreneurial spirit of Indians in general, with many including LIC agents leaving their phone numbers and business details behind.”

A toilet graffiti artist at work

On being asked how these artists will be tracked down the Minister said, “That is the easiest part. As I told, not only LIC agents, many artists leave their phone numbers next to the drawings of their girlfriend’s anatomy. For others, we will advertise in the major newspapers of the cities and ask these artists to come forward. We will then ask them to furnish the details of their drawing along with identity proofs. Then they would be asked to give a live demonstration of their work, which will be then checked by forensic experts especially flown from the USA with skill sets as impeccable as is shown in CSI: Miami”.

A team of 300 IAS officers, 500 consultants, 3000 clerical officials, 9000 local contractors, and various other volunteers will be identified to group together all toilet graffiti artists from different parts of the country. Ministry officials denied any case of overstaffing and termed it as a normal sized team given the scope of the project. Officials refused to divulge the cost of the project, but experts believe that the costs will run into thousands of crores of rupees.

Faking News asked the common citizens of India for their reaction on the government’s decision. Most people have expressed hope and excitement to finally meet the elusive painters, poets and slogan writers, who have amused them for years in toilets, elevators, corridors, corners, buses and other public places.

Faking News also contacted famous nude painter M.F. Hussain and asked him what he thought of the entire exercise. Hussain expressed his wholehearted support to the endeavor, “I am absolutely thrilled that the government is creating such a platform for artists who can look beyond clothes. The thing that excites me the most is that not only will famous artists be discovered but also great poets. The best poetry and art comes out when one has a sad social life. And given the sexual frustration and sad social lives of these people, it is inevitable that their art will take over the world.”

No trace of asshole who jumped in river despite local warnings

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:30:09 +0000

Sitapur, Uttar Pradesh. Rescue teams and the local administration are still clueless about the whereabouts of the 23-year-old MBA student, who had jumped in the Gomti river yesterday evening while enjoying picnic with his friends. Saurabh Rai, the traceless guy, and three of his friends were warned by local villagers against venturing out deep in the river, but Saurabh ignored the warning and the idiot has gone missing since then.

Saurabh and his friends are all second year MBA students of IIM Lucknow (name changed to protect the reputation of the original institute) and had bunked classes to have some fun. Police have recovered five credit cards, one laptop, one packet of unused condoms, three half-eaten McDonalds Chicken Maharajas, and seven bottles of Mountain Dew from them. Police couldn’t find any beer or wine bottles on the spot but the rescue team is trying to recover them as well.

A crowd of excited people hoping to see a dead body has started gathering near Gomti River

“I think this is another case of accidental drowning and we don’t suspect any foul play. We were informed by the local villagers that they had told these guys not to swim in the river but these guys, especially Saurabh Rai, seemed to have ignored the warning considering the locals as illiterate and uneducated. Such assholic behavior is normally expected of alcoholic guys. We are trying to find out if alcohol was involved in this case.” Bebak Singh, the local police inspector said.

Saurabh’s friends insist that none of them had taken any amount of alcohol at any point of time during their picnic festivities. Ankit, one of Saurabh’s friends, showed his mobile photographs and videos that he took during the last few hours and challenged us to find any suspicious object in them. Faking News team took the challenge and we actually couldn’t find anything worth publishing.

One of the mobile videos taken by Ankit Showed Saurabh swimming in the river, until he vanished. The sounds in the video clip suggested that Ankit and others were egging Saurabh to swim further away and touch a big stone kind of stuff that was almost in the middle of the river. It seems they had some kind of bet and Saurabh ended up being the loser.

“Yes, we did have a bet after we drank Mountain Dew. We were reminded of darr ke aage jeet hai (fear gives way to victory) ad and decided to do something adventurous. We didn’t know it will turn this way.” Ankit conceded, triggering a debate in the civil society if the media was having a harmful and hazardous effect on today’s dumb generation.

One of the many educational movies made by Ramsay Brothers

While most of the people in the media termed the debate as ‘yawning’ and misplaced, Ramsey Brothers, the renowned horror film producers, were a notable exception when they accepted that media was to be blamed for such incidents.

“See, we always used to make movies that showed young guys from the city getting badly butchered by bhoot-pishaach (ghosts and devils) when they used to ignore the warnings of villagers against venturing out in any abandoned house or jungle. It was a serious attempt to dissuade people from laughing at villagers who are always seen as illiterate and uneducated. Now we hardly see such movies, which has caused people to ignore villagers and hence such unfortunate incidents are happening.” Tulsi Ramsay argued.

Kylie accused for failure of Blue, white women allege discrimination

gkhamba — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:32:54 +0000

Mumbai. The Association of Random White Women in Bollywood (ARWWB) has decided to go on strike to protest against alleged racial discrimination by the Indian filmmakers. The strike is being led by the Australian singer-actress Kylie Minogue, who has been allegedly accused by producers of Blue as being responsible for the movie’s lackluster performance on the box office. Kylie had made a special appearance in song titled Chiggy-Wiggy in the Blue movie.

Kylie and Akshay had danced together in the song Chiggy-Wiggy

“The producer was audacious enough to say I was not sexy enough in the song to attract Indian viewers. What the hell! I was doing just fine in the song when this guy called Akki jumped in and started all arbit dance steps. I tell you, a fat Aussie under the effect of beer can dance better. How do you expect me to look sexy in such situation?” Kylie wondered and alleged that she is being made a scapegoat for being white.

ARWWB members point out that while movie and television producers, and even the IPL managers, have profited by showing white women, now they are beginning to discriminate them to favor of Asians and women from other brown countries. They cited the examples of Lankan beauty Jacqueline Fernandes being cast in Bollywood movie Aladin while Brazilian model Giselle Monteiro getting a chance in Love Aaj Kal.

According to Cheryl Greene, the spokeswoman of the ARWWB, the trouble started last year itself when Yash Raj Films started the practice of reverse discrimination by hiring only black and brown women for its major song and dance sequences. ARWWB has even moved a petition in the High Court against the Yash Raj Films.

“This entire process started with the movie Tashan. Some of our members decided to not dance in the background of the song ‘white white face’ as they had apprehensions about the message it would send to lecherous Indians who had already made the life miserable for white faced cheerleaders during the IPL. Yash Raj then played the diversity card and started hiring black and other Indian women, who agreed to dance for much lesser prices.” Cheryl informed.

A copy of the lawsuit which we acquired through our sources in the High Court also revealed that the Association was against Yash Raj Films setting all their plots in the United States instead of India. Rhonda Williams a member of the Association, who had shown her cleavage in many Bollywood movies, said “How can Yash Raj Films be so insensitive? By not giving us work and shooting abroad, they are kicking us where it hurts the most – and that is our stomach.” Rhoda clarified.

A senior production assistant in Yash Raj Studio, speaking on the conditions of anonymity, rubbished the allegations. “True, we have had some movies shot in the USA, like New York, where we had to employ Indians, but only if you consider Katrina Kaif as an Indian. Furthermore, some movies like Dil Bole Hadippa had no scope for white women as they would have overshadowed Rani Mukherjee. But look at how much work we gave them in a single movie like Chak De India.”

But some feel that the white women need not worry. A camera assistant, who worked in the movie Tashan said, “There is nothing to worry about as far as these white women are concerned. Everyone knows Indians love white meat. Why do you think chicken or fish sells more than goat? And besides, it was us behind the camera who wanted black women in Tashan, so that Kareena’s so-called size zero figure could actually look like one when contrasted with the background.”

The first hearing in this case shall commence next week as the case would be overseen by a fast-track court given its national importance.

Naxals walk the ramp wearing designer clothes by Arundhati Roy

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:51:17 +0000

Kolkata. Touted as the most sincere attempt till date to bring Naxals in the mainstream, PIFW (Progressive Indians Fashion Week) got underway here today that saw Naxals from Lalgarh walking the ramp on the inaugural day. PIFW has been conceived and organized by various progressive and liberal Indians after home minister P Chidambaram called on civic groups and human rights activists to pressurize Naxals into shedding violence and joining the mainstream for political negotiations.

The fashion week will showcase Naxals from different parts of the country performing catwalk and wearing clothes designed by the organizers. The purported aim of PIFW is to spread the message of peace and humanity, the core beliefs of Naxals.

A Naxal before the makeover (Left) and after the makeover (Right)

Writer-turned-activist-turned-fashion-designer Arundhati Roy’s creations were on display on the first day. Critics were full of admiration and praise for Miss Roy’s work as it made the Naxals from Lalgarh look so sexy in those ragged clothes. Only an idiot could have termed them as dreaded or a threat to the national security. It was a complete makeover for the Naxals and people couldn’t believe their eyes.

“The government and media publish photographs of Naxals with weapons and project them as armed terrorists, but this fashion show has been an eye opener. The Naxals are actually poor and helpless people. Such fashion shows should be held all over the country.” Meenaxi, a student activist who carried anti-government placards said excitedly.

Arundhati Roy thanked her fans and claimed that she could do better if given further chance. She also alleged that the government and the MNCs were hand in glove as no corporate house came to sponsor PIFW, not even the tobacco company Wills, which is known to sponsor fashion shows.

“Companies like Wills have signed various MoUs with the government to fell more trees so that they can produce more cigarettes. The government has become a puppet in the hands of these large corporate houses and now wants to go at war against the poor Naxals. These are good people, they might have beheaded and killed the cops, but they never indulge in mindless violence. They just need an image makeover.” Miss Roy said.

Naxals also expressed hope that their new makeover will help them in their struggle to keep away the government forces for forcibly occupying their territories. They politely warned the security agencies of dire consequences if they tried to arrest them during the fashion show.

Since PIFW didn’t get any sponsorship, the costs of organizing the fashion show would be collected from families residing in Naxal affected areas. A few young boys from poor families of Lalgarh were seen doing the housekeeping work as the activists cheered the sashaying Naxals.

Sino Indian relations take a boost as Manmohan, Wen discuss ties

newsbanana — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 08:22:48 +0000

Hua Hin, Thailand. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao took the opportunity of their meeting here on the sidelines of India-ASEAN Summit to discuss ties. An official spokesman of the Indian delegation later told newspersons that both leaders agreed that ties were a Western import and should be banned from the East. Finding of this common ground between the two giant Asian neighbors has been largely welcomed by the experts.

Both countries agreed that roles of ties in their respective territories needed a serious re-evaluation. Chinese Premier Wen said that as per statistics collected by the Chinese Statistical Bureau, there had been 6000 cases of accidental strangulation and 35,000 cases of pre-meditated strangulation in China where a tie was involved.

Friendly neighbors without ties

In keeping with his serious demeanor, Prime Minister Singh declined to make the obligatory joke about how much better off the Chinese would be if they switched to Indian ties, but recounted the enormous problems he had when he first went to Oxford and was told that ties were compulsory in the classroom. Since his scholarship did not include a tie allowance, he was constrained to cut up a spare turban into many pieces and fashion ties out of them.

Indian Prime Minister was of the considered opinion that the constrictive pressure of ties on the neck was responsible for various phenomena ranging from the stiff upper lip in the case of the British to the nasal twang that characterized American speech. PM Wen interrupted the Indian Prime Minister at this point in his discourse and requested the Indian Prime Minister to write a paper on this seminal subject and he would personally make sure that it would be discussed at the next People’s Party Congress in Beijing.

The meeting concluded with both Premiers agreeing that efforts should be made to eradicate ties from Asia. As a first step it was decided that all the leaders that had gathered together would boycott ties and would only wear peacock green tops with trousers for the duration of the summit, as seen in the picture here.

Shashi Tharoor with an African python. Caption it!

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:00:43 +0000

The picture shows Shashi Tharoor, Minister of State for External Affairs, at the Temple of Python, Voodoo Temple, during his recent visit to Republic of Benin in West Africa. A python wraps around his neck as Mr. Tharoor looks amused. Fortunately no controversy was created, but a caption needs to be created!

So join in with your comments!

Photo source: http://tweetphoto.com/9kvfamgi