Faking News

Sreesanth accused of stealing towel from hotel

Guest Patrakar — Sat, 18 May 2013 18:17:31 +0000

Jaipur. A couple of days after Delhi Police accused him of spot-fixing in IPL matches, Hotel Jai Mahal Palace here has accused Sreesanth of stealing a towel from their premises.

Hotel manager Uday Pratap Singh told Faking News that for the last 7 days they had been struggling to reconcile a missing hand towel. They even suspended a housekeeping staff on the 7th floor where the Rajasthan Royals team stayed.

The missing towel

However, the moment Delhi Police Commissioner Neeraj Kumar showed videos of Sreesanth using a towel to give signal to bookies, suspended housekeeper Sumer Singh could spot the missing asset of the hotel and quickly informed the management.

Pleading innocence in the towel theft case, Sumer Singh confirmed that Sreesanth had asked for an extra towel and didn’t even give any tip to him when Sumer obliged.

“He clearly used that towel to earn tips from the bookies while I got suspended,” Sumer claimed in a packed press conference.

Reporter Chandu Chaurasia from Aaj Tak asked the hotel manager if there was anything else missing from Sreesanth’s room, to which Uday Pratap Singh, the manager replied in negative.

“Nothing else is missing. In fact, Sreesanth has left behind a black magic voodoo doll that has face of Bhajji. We will return the doll as Mumbai Indians have cleared all the hotel bills,” Uday added.

Meanwhile the hotel management has revoked housekeeper Sumer Singh’s suspension and is now seeking damages from Sreesanth, Rajasthan Royals, and BCCI for stealing the towel.

“Delhi Police is not giving back our towel. They have seized and retained it and claim it as a vital piece of evidence in the spot-fixing scandal,” the manager rued.

The manager confirmed that they have sued Sreesanth for stealing the towel and are claiming 27 lakhs in damages from the Rajasthan Royals team and the BCCI.

When asked how did they arrive at a figure as high as 27 lakhs for just a hand towel, the hotel manager disclosed that they had received a bid for that particular towel from a Sreesanth fan, who is a London based Kerala origin comic writer.

“BCCI could give us 27 lakhs or that towel. I guess they would give us the money as they are better at auctioning things. They may auction that towel to Sreesanth fans later and make quick money,” Uday Pratap told Faking News.

Hotel management further revealed that they were planning to convert room number 709, where Sreesanth stayed, as a museum for aspiring IPL players.

Tusshar Kapoor accused of spot-fixing, took money to “underact”

jegan — Fri, 17 May 2013 18:17:39 +0000

Mumbai. After Cricket, it’s now Bollywood’s turn. In a shocking turn of events, following from the spot-fixing scandal in IPL, Tusshar Kapoor has been caught guilty in a spot-fixing scandal – a first in Bollywood.

Mumbai Police have arrested a bookie Tinda Kumar in a late night raid on his house. He was watching Tusshar Kapoor scenes from the movie Shootout at Wadala and making calls to various people from two dozen different mobile phones when the arrest was made.

He confessed to offering 50 lakhs to Tusshar Kapoor to “underact” for 5 minutes in the movie “Kya Super Kool Hai Hum”.

The news has shaken millions of Tusshar Kapoor fans across the world

The entire Bollywood fraternity is in shock and is at a loss of words. Tusshar Kapoor though is apparently still missing and police are on a manhunt.

Celebrities have all gathered in Ekta Kapoor’s house and have offered their condolences to her. Sachin Yardi, the director of the “suspect” movie was quite stunned, “I never ever expected that our Tusshar bhai will be involved in anything like this. For a guy of his stature and talent, no one saw this coming.”

Reitesh Deshmukh, Tusshar’s co-actor in the movie was also a picture of sorrow. “Tusshar is a dear friend. I do remember him being hooked to his cell-phone every time the shoot was over. I believed he must be indulged with his girlfriend. But now I know, it was Tinda the bookie,” rued Reitesh.

Tinda Kumar let out more specific details about the fixing. Apparently, Tusshar Kapoor revealing his butt in a scene was the signal that spot-fixing was to follow. The next scene was the fixed scene.

The police showed the media clippings of that scene during the press conference. Though there weren’t any obvious differences in the scenes shown, they were all equally bad. Police showed further evidence of Tinda and Tusshar exchanging WeChat messages and Twitter DMs.

A very emotional Ekta Kapoor was kind enough to let us know her views: “This is a conspiracy against my brother. He will never do anything to hurt the sentiments of the family or Bollywood. Take a look at the scenes yourself. He has always been that ~~pathetic~~ good. I am sure there is Salman Khan’s hand in this.”

Fellow actor John Abraham was also among the thick of things: “I think it’s time to come out from the shell. I too was initially approached by Tinda to fix a scene in Force. But, it was against my morals. And anyway, it’s hard for me to give more than one expression in my movies. It was just not meant for me.”

In an exclusive, our Faking News reporter managed to catch Tusshar Kapoor on his Skype from an undisclosed location.

“Yes. I did accept money from Tinda to fix a scene in Kya Super Kool Hai Hum. It’s not that I get to act many movies anyway. I wanted to maximize my resources. And I was confident people won’t find out, but alas!” he confessed to his crime.

On being asked about his whereabouts, he said, “I am currently shooting for Golmaal 4, and will surrender once my shooting is over. Even Sanjay Dutt was given time, so I hope police doesn’t waste time in finding me.”

Meanwhile, sources confirm that many other movies are also under the scanner and more arrests could follow. However, some commonly acknowledged kings of Bollywood might not need to worry as “overacting” has not been identified as a form of spot-fixing.

Bowlers to be replaced with bowling machines to stop fixing

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 16 May 2013 16:47:03 +0000

Mumbai. Cricket will now officially be a batsman’s game. ICC has decided to do away with bowlers in the game and replace these fixing fellows with honest bowling machines.

“In the last few years, all cases of match-fixing or spot-fixing have seen involvement of either bowlers or captains of a cricket team. So we have decided to do away with bowlers, which also makes the role of a captain far less important,” ICC President Alan Isaac told Faking News.

Without being asked, Isaac clarified that the decision was taken independently and BCCI had not asked them to introduce this revolutionary and radical change in the basic structure of the game.

As a result, all first-class cricket matches played after 16^th May will see batsmen hitting balls delivered by machines, something that is seen during the IPL as part of the “Super Sixes” competition.

“Cricket fans have hugely appreciated the Super Sixes competition and we think that fans, especially those in India, will not miss the bowlers,” the ICC President claimed.

The future of cricket – clean and compact

Sources inform that ICC considered other options too to eliminate the problem of spot-fixing, one of them being “Optimum Confusion Method” (OCM) suggested by mathematician-statistician duo Luckworth-Dewis.

OCM works by scrambling the order of the overs and balls bowled in a match, so that no one, not even the captain, knows which over is being bowled by which bowler until the end of the game. In fact, a single over could be bowled jointly by more than one bowler and thus a bowler, acting independently, would not be able to fix the number of runs conceded in an over.

“We liked the solution, but it could have created too much of confusion and cricket would have found it difficult to find new fans and followers. So we opted for the simplest solution – no bowlers,” Isaac explained.

BCCI, not too eager to adopt technology on earlier occasions, has welcomed the ICC’s decision and has hoped that the step will clean the game.

“Bowlers are the problem. They are dirty guys who abuse batsmen, spit on grounds, rub their crotchets with balls, and indulge in other corrupt activities. This is a welcome step by the ICC,” a BCCI sponsored cricket expert and critic told a TV channel.

The only body to openly oppose the ICC’s decision has been PCB (Pakistan Cricket Board).

“Our core-competence include having good bowlers and leading in match-fixing. This step takes away both of those advantages from us. Pakistan will never accept it,” PCB President Asif Ali Zardari said.

But when Faking News called a bookie in Lahore, he appeared unconcerned by the new rule. “It’s just another machine and ball job,” he explained, adding that “Every roulette wheel in Vegas is fixed.”

Meanwhile, sources confirm that IPL has already started preparations to adopt the new rule.

“Each franchise will bid for a bowling machine at the start of the season in an auction. The top of the range West Indies 1975+ model, with a top speed of 100mph and built in reggae sound system, is expected to be the costliest machine in IPL-7,” IPL chief Rajiv Shukla said.

Shukla further informed that only limited number of foreign bowling machines will be allowed. Keeping with the IPL policy, machines manufactured in Pakistan will not be allowed at all.

(Some vital spots in the above report were fixed by Faking News correspondent Simon)

BJP to hold Chintan Shivir to find new ways of losing another election

Pagal Patrakar — Wed, 15 May 2013 11:30:23 +0000

New Delhi. With an eye on losing the 2014 general elections and give Faking News another chance to target Congress led government for its incompetence and corruption, the benevolent opposition party BJP has called a meeting of top party leaders to finalize the losing strategy.

“Advani ji will announce the dates and venue of the Chintin Shivir in his blog, which will formally launch our march towards achieving a hat-trick of general election losses,” a BJP leader told Faking News.

“What’s the point of winning elections?”

Party sources confirm that after losing the 2004 elections – the reasons for which are known only to Sir Ravindra Jadeja, though many political experts claim to know the same – BJP decided to focus on developing core-competency in making Congress appear marginally better in comparison on the national level.

“Our strategy worked and we lost in 2009 too!” one of the poll strategists of the party recalled, “Despite terrorist strikes, cash for votes, and economic slowdown by the UPA-1, we managed to convince the voters not to choose us.”

“However, Congress decided to raise the bar as UPA-2. They have managed to look far worse – so much of corruption, arrogance, thoughtlessness, and general bullshittery all around. We have a big challenge to make them appear marginally better,” the strategist explained why a Chintan Shivir was needed.

The Shivir will find out innovative ways through which BJP can meet their target of third successive defeat in the general elections.

“We will have various discussions and sessions during the Shivir. Sessions such as ‘How to lose votes to Kejriwal’, ‘Has Manmohan Singh resigned yet?’, and ‘Rahul Gandhi jokes’ are being organized,” a BJP leader revealed.

“There is no discussion or session planned to elect a Prime Ministerial candidate,” the leader added, “Keeping the confusion going about the PM’s candidate is one of the key factors that we believe will help us lose the next election.”

UPA launches ad campaign to increase awareness about the identity of Indian PM

Sandeep Kadian — Wed, 15 May 2013 08:35:54 +0000

New Delhi. After launching “Bharat Nirman” ad campaign to spread awareness about their achievements during the last 9 years, UPA is all set to launch “PM ka naam” campaign to make everyone aware about the name of Indian Prime Minister.

UPA decided to launch this campaign after a recent survey carried out by Yadav & Sons revealed that only 3 % Indians correctly identified Dr. Manmohan Singh as the Prime Minister of India.

Same survey revealed that 21 % Indians named Sonia Gandhi, 17 % named Rahul Gandhi, 24 % named Rajiv Gandhi, and 33 % named Indira Gandhi when asked who India’s Prime Minister was. Balance 2 % (mostly viewers of Old Delhi TV channel) said that Nawaz Sharif had just become the Prime Minister of India.

This picture was taken after the photographer apparently said, “Prime Minister of India, please raise your hand!”

To solve this information asymmetry, UPA has come up with a of 90-seconds commercial, in which it is repeatedly stated that Manmohan Singh is the Prime Minister of India. The ad is already running on the government owned ~~NDTV~~ Doordarshan, Faking News can confirm.

Response to the ad has been good with leading trade expert Kamaal R. Khan giving it 3 kisses.

Further, UPA is going to sponsor every dot ball during IPL playoffs and it will be called “Prime Minister Manmohan Singh Dot ball”. Leading experts believe it is a great marketing strategy as a dot ball goes well with the Prime Minister’s image. They argued that our PM does nothing, just like nothing happens on a dot ball.

Speaking to Faking News, self-proclaimed spokesperson of Congress, Sansani Jha said, “This is the great strength of Dr. Singh. He stays in the background and does all the hard work but never claims credit. That is why many people didn’t realize that he is their PM.”

He further went on to add, “This is not an ad campaign; this is more like an awareness campaign launched to benefit Indian citizens.” When asked how it will benefit the Indian citizens and from where are the funds coming for this campaign, he called us khakhi chaddi wala and walked away.

On the other hand, BJP has demanded the resignation of Dr. Manmohan Singh for failing to make people aware that he was the Prime Minister of India during his 9 year tenure as the PM of the country.

Meanwhile, Mr. Manmohan Singh has distanced himself from the post of PM and refused to comment further on this.

Hina Rabbani Khar to participate in Bigg Boss 7 after PPP debacle

Kunal Kalkundri — Tue, 14 May 2013 16:30:28 +0000

Islamabad, Pakistan. Former Foreign Minister of Pakistan Hina Rabbani Khar, is reported to have agreed to participate in the upcoming season of the alleged reality show Bigg Boss.

She took the decision after her party PPP’s performance in Pakistan’s general elections turned out to be similar to that of BJP in recently concluded Karnataka assembly elections in India.

The young politician from across the border is being paid an undisclosed amount as participation fee, though unconfirmed sources put it up as equal to the cost of lakhs of her favorite Birkin bags.

Her party is out of spotlight, but she could be back in spotlight, experts say.

“Ms. Khar satisfies all the criteria that an ideal Bigg Boss participant should have – good looks, controversies, a decent knowledge of Hindi/English ~~expletives~~ words, and most importantly, a fair-skinned person of non-Indian origin,” a Colors TV official confirmed the news.

Sources tell Faking News that Shiv Sena has approved the participation and is very excited at the prospects of protest and agitation. Apparently the party wants to sign an exclusive vandalism deal with the channel to stop MNS from doing the same.

“We can’t promise an exclusive deal, but we have agreed to make them the leading partner for official protests in association with our news media partners,” the Colors TV official told Faking News.

“According to the deal, Shiv Sena will protest continuously for 5.25 days and will call off the agitation thereafter. In return, Sena will be assured of news coverage equal to twice the amount Ms. Khar is being offered, which makes it a win-win situation for all,” the official disclosed.

The official refused to comment if Bilawal Bhutto could be a wild card entry to the show.

Meanwhile former Foreign Minister of India SM Krishna has expressed his desire to meet Sunny Leone when she’s in the Bigg Boss house. Our sources confirm that he mixed up (again) between two different contestants.

When Rahul Gandhi was given a 1000-rupee note by a Chaiwallah

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 13 May 2013 18:01:03 +0000

The man with chai ki kitli took out a thousand-rupee note from his weathered wallet. There was something about the resolve that inspired him to part away with almost a week’s earning.

For Rahul Gandhi, it was a potential life-changing moment, when Kaushal Singh, a chaiwallah, offered him his hard earned money to start a new business.

That was on April 25. The 42-year-old has since done nothing with the money he was given, has continued with the family business of politics, and has got an assurance of the post of Prime Minister whenever he is ready.

It all started when Rahul’s motorcade stopped at a traffic signal in Bhopal. “Chai kyun bechte ho? (Why are you selling tea?) Do you invest in stock market?” the Congress vice-president asked the man holding out a cup of tea.

Kaushal, who has been selling tea at traffic signals for twenty-two years now, said he went to a government school and wanted to be a doctor, but he had to give up his dreams and continue in his family business of selling tea.

Chance encounter brought some momentary hope

Kaushal’s grandmother was known as the town’s chai queen whose employees would throw salt in competitors’ brews whilst his great-grandfather was famous as the first modern chaiwallah because he used a home-made gas burner.

He still keeps their pictures at the stall. “Sometimes I think people come because of them and not me,” he recounted his story to a riveted Rahul Gandhi in jeans and kurta, with whom he could strike a chord.

Forced into the family business, his dreams of becoming a doctor were dashed and his self-esteem suffered.

“You feel low sometimes,” his eyes welled up as Rahul Gandhi offered him a tissue paper. However, the chaiwallah refused the tissue paper and instead took out a thousand-rupee note.

“Yeh rupaye le leejye. Aap kuchh naya kijiye. Family business mein kuchh nahi rakha hai (Please keep this money and start something new. There is no fun in family business),” he told Rahul.

Those who were accompanying Rahul that day said he was moved. He took out his wallet and kept the crumpled 1,000-rupee note. A happy Kaushal blessed him. “I hope to see some change,” he said.

Rahul kept his wallet back in his jeans. “I will try my best,” he told the man, “I will remember what is in my genes and what is in my jeans.”

Then the motorcade moved on.

Rahul’s mother Sonia couldn’t believe her ears when her son told him about his brief interaction with Kaushal. “Baba, you actually met a chaiwallah while moving with z-plus security and he gave you this 1,000-rupee note?” she asked.

Someone called Digvijaya Singh suggested keeping the note as a souvenir.

However, Rahul Gandhi soon realized that politics was everywhere, in his shirt, in his pant, in his kurta, in his jeans. He dropped the idea of moving away from the family business.

And then Congress won Karnataka elections. Rahul Gandhi’s vision and leadership was applauded. Kaushal Singh’s advice and thousand-rupee note were seen as a liability.

Back in Bhopal, Kaushal was summoned to local Congress office, where he went with his son, who too wanted to be a doctor and not be trapped in the family business of selling tea.

Kaushal was hoping to hear some good news and tell his son to take inspiration from the youth icon who battled against all odds and left his family business to do something new.

But he was returned the 1000-rupee note that he had given to Rahul Gandhi. No interest was paid either. Kaushal was a little confused, and so was his son.

When the father and son looked up, brain fried in confusion, they saw a giant photograph of a smiling Rahul.

(the story idea was provided by Faking News correspondent Simon, and writing style was inspired from this awesome article)

Congress adopts property dealer who gave free land to Robert Vadra

Sushant Sharma — Mon, 13 May 2013 09:00:12 +0000

Gurgaon. A day after Congress adopted a boy in Madhya Pradesh who gave free newspaper to Rahul Gandhi, the party has adopted a man – a property dealer in Haryana – who gave free land to Robert Vadra.

“Pappu Lamba will now be the official property agent of Congress,” a Haryana Congress leader announced.

“Although the party is not officially into real-estate business, we have decided to return the favor to Lamba, who gave 3 acres of land free to Shri Vadra and helped daamaad-ji grow his business by leaps and bounds,” the leader quickly clarified.

Vadra showing the symbol of his trust

Speaking exclusively to Faking News, Robert Vadra confirmed the development and said that it was in the blood of Congress to help those who have helped the party at crucial junctures, such as Rahul Gandhi’s desire to read a newspaper.

“Of course, people like Narsimha Rao are exceptions; what is a rule without exception?” Vadra responded to a query by Faking News on why some people were not returned the favor.

He refused to comment when asked if Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was also an exception to the above rule.

Although Vadra is a “private citizen” and not an official member of the Congress party, the step is being seen in harmony with the events seen a few months back when Congress leaders were out in open supporting his allegedly murky business deals.

“After all I’m part of the family, and the party definitely helps people who help the family, if not the party,” the son-in-law of Sonia Gandhi claimed.

To buttress his point, Vadra pointed to the case of National Herald – a newspaper Congress adopted because it helped Jawaharlal Nehru – and Pratibha Patil, who cooked and washed for Indira Gandhi and was later adopted as the President of India.

Meanwhile Pappu Lamba is a happy man. After being adopted, he has expressed his desire to fly to Karnataka, the latest state to be ruled by Congress, to seal some land deals for Robert Vadra.

Manmohan Singh joins Sehwag’s school as Economics teacher

Pagal Patrakar — Sat, 11 May 2013 13:57:35 +0000

New Delhi. After rumors of rift between Sonia Gandhi and Manmohan Singh grew stronger, MMS (Manmohan Singh) has decided to join cricketer Virender Sehwag, who lost his place in team after there were reports of rift between him and Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

“Prime Minister sees a lot of similarity between himself and Sehwag,” a PMO source claimed, “Sehwag was the Vice Captain and Manmohan Singh is virtually the same; Sonia Gandhi is the Captain. Media talked about Dhoni-Sehwag rift, and now they are talking about Sonia-MMS rift.”

Sonia Gandhi pushing Manmohan Singh out?

The PMO source further claimed that similarities between MMS and Sehwag didn’t end there.

“Both of them like playing their natural game. Sehwag plays aggressive shots, while MMS keeps silent, no matter what the situation is,” the source pointed out.

“And of course, hair loss,” the source drew the parallels.

Due to such striking similarities, experts claim that Prime Minister is worried that his career could take a similar course where he’s dropped from the team while the Captain remains the same.

“Earlier people used to think that MMS was like Duncan Fletcher i.e. someone with no active role and often blamed for failures of the team, but of late he appears more like Sehwag,” an expert claimed.

As a result, Manmohan Singh has decided to join Sehwag International School as Economics teacher, so that he has a source of livelihood if and when he’s asked to resign by the high command.

Meanwhile, experts are trying to find out who is the Virat Kohli of Congress i.e. someone who could become the new Vice Captain. Vice President Rahul Gandhi is ruled out as he’s widely believed to be Sir Jadeja of Congress.

Rahul Gandhi to fake Imran Khan like injury to appear charismatic

Simon — Fri, 10 May 2013 08:28:49 +0000

New Delhi. Following the injury sustained on the campaign trail by the popular Pakistani celebrity-politician, Imran Khan, an investigation by Faking News can reveal that Congress is considering staging a similar accident in an attempt at making party Vice President Rahul Gandhi appear charismatic.

“A Bollywood stunt man is training him,” Ashok, 47, told Faking News at his tea stall.

Imran Khan is expected to win a few more votes when Pakistan goes to polls tomorrow

However, Mohan, 35, disagrees: “No. They need the best. They’re bringing in Italian footballers to tutor him. They’ll show him how to trip himself up on the podium, scream in agony, it’ll look like he’s broken his leg, but he’ll be perfectly fine five minutes later.”

Both men are close to the Congress VP, having shaken hands with him at a rally in 2006. Ashok swears Rahul remembers him.

Injury may be a shrewd political move, according to Prof. Gagan Sachdeva. But Congress must be careful as Imran Khan has two children whilst Rahul Gandhi still childless.

“I would advise against anything below the waist,” he said, adding, “Congress must also bear in mind that the politician is a delicate creature that can be damaged by something as inconsequential as a single pretzel.”

He also cautioned against “going too far”, despite the dazzling posthumous political success of figures like Kim Il Sung.

A public poll by Faking News found that a “moderate to firm blow to the Rahul Gandhi’s head” would be very popular amongst voters.

Congress officials deny the rumors, but told Faking News they believe Narendra Modi’s toothache is suspicious and that the above poll was hacked by Modi’s supporters.

Bribe Bank launched to harness the power of corruption

Simon — Fri, 10 May 2013 08:05:09 +0000

Mumbai. A new bank is tackling India’s flagging economic growth by harnessing India’s natural competitive advantage: corruption.

Opened in Mumbai last week, Bribe Bank of India has already taken thousands of brown envelopes stuffed with Rs. 1000 notes and has issued accounts to hundreds of government officials.

“It’s simple,” explains founder, Sahil Date, “Why should a hard working official keep crores at home for the CBI to find when his ‘friend in business’ can simply deposit an envelope discretely in his Bribe Bank account or even bribe online?”

With a legal Bribe Bank, the problem of private and nationalized banks indulged in money laundering will also go away, some claim.

Account holders are given debit cards and access to their cash through Bribe Bank ATMs. “Our ATMs do charge a Rs. 50 withdrawal ~~bribe~~ fee,” admits Date, “But then everyone needs a little kickback and our clients expect it from us.”

Asked why a hard-grafting babu should not simply open up a foreign account, Date pointed out that his bank invested the bribe money in the Indian economy.

“Thanks to us, bribing is now in our national economic interest,” he explained, “CBI may give a corrupt person clean chit, but we give them a clean conscience, as they know that their bribe money was used in nation building.”

Date added that the bank needed to make the “occasional payment” to “cool the heat on the operation”.

The service is proving popular. “Mr Kumar”, 42, a government official, used to receive a little cash from two local businessmen once a month. But thanks to Bribe Bank’s easy and unaccountable online service he is taking bribes from twenty businessmen.

“Due to my Bribe Bank account, I am working much harder now,” he told Faking News.

The opening of Bribe Bank’s Bangalore branch has been postponed following the defeat of the BJP in the assembly elections.

Date refused to confirm whether the bank’s new advertising poster would, as rumors suggest, feature Jaganmohan Reddy and the slogan “He should have gone to Bribe Bank – corruption without disruption.”

Jumping Jepang chosen as 2014 FIFA World Cup’s anthem

jegan — Thu, 09 May 2013 17:54:44 +0000

Chennai. In an extremely momentous occasion for the IPL, “Dil Jumping Jepang” has been chosen as the anthem for the upcoming FIFA World cup in Brazil, 2014.

FIFA had been scouting for new artists to compose the theme song for the World Cup to rival “Wavin Flag” and “Waka Waka” from the 2010 edition. They tried many artists including Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black, but it was “Jumping Jepang” that caught their attention, and the decision was instantaneous and unanimous.

The IPL crew is hopeful of ~~irritating~~ reaching the whole world now

Mr. Zeb Flatter, President of FIFA, described his love for the IPL song as “love at first sight and sound”.

“I was randomly surfing TV channels when I happened to come across this plump lady dressed in black, teaching a young guy of around 25 years a few steps. I turned on the volume, and was treated to an amazing symphony. The song along with the dance has to be the best Sporting Anthem that I have ever come across,” Flatter came up with his flattering reviews of the song.

The proposal by Mr. Flatter was set into motion among the Board of Members of FIFA, and was passed unanimously. The IPL committee has also granted the rights for the same.

Rajiv Shukla, the Chairman of the IPL, was a happy man. “We always knew Jumping Jepang had the capability to go global. India is on its course to become a superpower,” exclaimed Mr. Shukla.

Mr. Shukla has reportedly asked Shashi Tharoor to tweet the same, but sources tell Faking News that Mr. Tharoor is not too comfortable tweeting about IPL as he had a bad experience earlier.

On being asked for his views, Ravi Shastri said, “This is just what the doctor ordered for the IPL. We flashed and flashed hard, and FIFA accepted it gleefully. It was always on the cards. The news came to us like a tracer bullet and we now have the full monty. But be rest assured, it ain’t over before the fat lady sings.”

Outside India, Brazillian footballer Ronaldinho also seemed quite enthusiastic. “2010 was about Vuvuzelas, 2014 will be about Jumping Jepang,” he claimed.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the decision by FIFA and IPL could also affect EPL (English Premier League). There are rumors doing the round that Sir Alex Ferguson could come back from retirement to make sure that Manchester United becomes the best team to dance to the tunes of Jumping Jepang.

Back home, trying to cash on his sister’s recognition, Sajid Khan has now raised a request with FIFA to release Himmatwala in all FIFA registered countries. Mr. Flatter was watching the movie, only the 47^th person to do so and the 1^st one to brave it alone, till reports last came in.

Another Bansal nephew arrested trying to sell Railway Minister’s post

diggyleaks — Thu, 09 May 2013 11:21:09 +0000

New Delhi. The CBI today arrested another nephew of Railway Minister Pawn Kumar Bansal after he (the nephew) was caught red-handed accepting bribe for allegedly fixing the Railway Minister’s post.

The bribe was given by an agent of a prominent Congress leader, who is hopeful to become the next Railway Minister if and when Bansal resigns taking moral responsibility for the deeds of his nephews.

“Bansal’s nephew had promised the Congress leader that if given 90 lakhs rupees as ‘token money’, he will convince his maama (uncle) to resign from cabinet, thus vacating the berth for the interested leader,” a CBI source told Faking News.

Pawan Bansal reacts after being informed about his second nephew

“Maamashri is very fond of me. He will definitely quit once I ask him to. He never denies my requests like giving jobs to people I recommend,” Bansal’s nephew is reported to have promised the unnamed Congress leader.

The exact amount on which the deal was fixed is not confirmed, but sources say that the amount runs in 15 digits, though CAG could find a larger number.

The bribe-giving Congress leader, whose name is being kept secret for some reason, is said to be already holding a cabinet berth in the UPA government, but he was lured towards the Railway berth after he heard about the recent scam involving Rs 90 lakhs to fix a top post in the department.

“He must be in an unusually honest department, else who gets excited by 90 lakhs these days?” an expert wondered, “It could be an achievement by the government!”

Government sources too claim that the arrest of another nephew by the CBI is a shot in the arm of the UPA government as it hints at two positive possibilities – there is an honest government department and the CBI is not a caged parrot.

Meanwhile, Bansal distanced himself from his new nephew as well.

“I am a national leader; all Indians are my brothers and sisters, so their children automatically become my nephews. Linking all of them to me is absurd,” the running Railway Minister told Faking News.

“I will prove that I was not involved in this new scam by not resigning at any cost, and hope Shrimati Sonia Gandhi will support me on this issue,” Bansal added and thanked late Rajiv Gandhi for his vision of India.

Karnataka election results prove that I need a bicycle: Chintu

Pagal Patrakar — Thu, 09 May 2013 09:12:52 +0000

Bangalore. After observing that everyone was interpreting the Karnataka assembly election results to suit their own agenda and beliefs, 5-year-old Chintu has decided to do the same.

“I need a bicycle; stylish and brand new. The election results prove it,” Chintu declared with a confidence matched only by political analysts of television and Twitter.

With an eye on the bicycle, Chintu started following the elections.

When asked to elaborate, Chintu came up with a sentence that had words like “mandate”, “corruption”, “Mummy”, “Yeddy”, and “Modi”.

The sentence apparently meant that he needed a bicycle.

The smart kid also drew a picture of a bicycle on the political map of Karnataka as a further proof of positive correlation between his desire to have a bicycle and the election results.

“Just share it on Facebook or Twitter and see the kind of response it gets! What more proof do you need before accepting that I need a bicycle?” Chintu threw a challenge to this Faking News reporter.

Chintu’s father was not available for comments, though he was found commenting on various news websites on why Karnataka results prove that Deve Gowda would be the Prime Minister of India again.

Chinese soldiers in Ladakh demand Manmohan Singh’s resignation

Sandeep Kadian — Fri, 03 May 2013 12:20:49 +0000

Ladakh. Tired of getting ignored by the UPA government, Chinese soldiers camping in Ladakh have demanded the resignation of Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

The Chinese troops have intruded 19 kilometers deep inside the Indian Territory in Ladakh, at Rakki Nullah in Daulat Beg Oldi sector over couple of weeks back. They have put up tents at the site and even deployed dogs, but the Indian government is not impressed.

Prime Minister’s reaction to the whole development

Speaking to Faking News, one of the soldiers Lin Wang said, “What is going on? We have been here for nearly 3 weeks now and are still being consistently ignored. Is this how you treat people who have come to your country? We demand immediate resignation of the man running this government.”

Another soldier, Xie Li said, “We tolerated Paneer Manchurian, we tolerated Gobi Manchurian but we won’t tolerate being compared to an Acne. We are no Phoonsi-Phoda man. We don’t need any ointment, we just need some attention.”

When asked whether they were considering an attack on Delhi, Lin Wang said, “Oh no, not at all! We have heard that India is the Muhammad Ali of countries. We are really scared since then of getting beaten up. Therefore, we are going to try non-violent measures to make our voices heard.”

Sources have informed us that Chinese soldiers have constructed a cheaper replica of Jantar-Mantar in Daulat Beg sector where these soldiers plan to stage a protest against PM Manmohan Singh. They might even go on a hunger strike, though they were seen preparing Hakka Noodles by this correspondent.

Expectedly, UPA has dismissed the demands of the Chinese soldiers. Speaking to media persons, External Affairs Minister, Mr. Salman Khurshid said, “These Chinese soldiers know that we have bought a truckload of Acne-removal cream. They are just getting agitated seeing their end. The country’s future is secure under the leadership of Sonia Gandhi.”

Meanwhile, strategic expert R. Baman has said that this was just a ploy by the Chinese soldiers to mix with the locals. Mr. Baman said, “Chinese soldiers have observed that demanding Manmohan Singh’s resignation is a very Indian thing to do, and every Indian does it. So they have also started making this demand to mix with the local population.”

Chinese intruders fight with each other over which IPL team to support

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 17:54:49 +0000

Ladakh (still in India). Members of the People’s Liberation Army of China, who have intruded almost 20 kilometres into the Indian territory, are now nicely settled and fighting over which IPL team to support, latest reports suggest.

“Since Arunachal Pradesh doesn’t have any IPL team, Chinese were confused over which team to support. This led to minor skirmishes as soldiers divided themselves into groups supporting different IPL teams,” a source confirmed.

When Faking News visited the area intruded by the Chinese army, some soldiers were indeed in IPL mode. Our reporter could see some of them dancing to “jumping jepang” song while others talked in a language that sounded like “gilli gilli aaw”.

Pune supporting Chinese soldiers reacting after watching Chris Gayle’s innings

However, some experts claim that since the Chinese soldiers didn’t face any resistance from India, they chose to fight among themselves to keep themselves on toe.

“They might have thought that the Indian strategy was to not react at all and induce them into inaction, and thus blunt their fighting spirit,” a defense expert claimed, “To avoid that, they decided to fight amongst themselves.”

But not everyone agrees.

“They are watching IPL as they have got nothing else to do,” said a strategic analyst, “They are simply another set of jobless people who are now stranded in India. And in India, if you are jobless, you do one of these things – watch IPL religiously, become an expert on Narendra Modi, or ask everyone to like your Facebook page – they chose the first option.”

Meanwhile, the government of India has taken note of the development and has issued a statement as part of its longstanding foreign policy.

“The Chinese are supporting local cricket teams, which proves what the Prime Minister had earlier said, that this is a localized problem,” Foreign Minister Salman Khurshid said, “We are hopeful that this problem would be resolved amicably by May 26, when IPL ends. Let’s wait and watch.”

CBI fully independent, chose the A4-size paper for printing all by itself

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:05:30 +0000

New Delhi. All rumors and criticism about CBI working under pressure and interference from the union ministers were laid to rest today when it was known that top CBI officers didn’t wait for any green signal from any cabinet minister to choose papers for printing their reports.

“No one told us which brand and type of paper should be used. In fact, we decided to use A4-size paper even though the default setting in our printer is that of letter-size,” CBI Director Ranjit Sinha claimed.

CBI Director denied that these were clean chits to be distributed among concerned parties.

The CBI Director revealed that choice of paper was not apolitical and this independent act by the CBI couldn’t be dismissed as being a trivial one, such as giving clean chits.

“Dude, only you reported that Rahul Gandhi was fond of making paper boats,” Sinha pointed out to this Faking News reporter, “Since then, everyone in the government has been ordered to use paper that are easily folded and turned into paper boats or planes. But we acted independently and chose the size and type of paper all by ourselves.”

Sinha was responding to criticisms over CBI sharing the status report on Coal Scam with the PMO and two union ministers.

“In the age of social media, we shouldn’t feel bad over sharing,” the CBI Director justified the act, while reiterating that the investigating agency was fully independent.

“Furthermore, everyone knows that the Law Minister only checked for grammatical errors, and it was needed because of MS Office suite had started malfunctioning and Shift+F7 was not working,” Sinha revealed and claimed that the act by CBI was totally a ‘digital’ and ‘social’ one.

“Prime Minister doesn’t speak much, but he ‘likes’ all our activities on Facebook,” Sinha further revealed, “To reciprocate, we are planning to re-tweet what PMO tweets.”

Sinha refused to deny or confirm that his last statement (about re-tweeting) was about reports on various scams.

Worried about a possible ban, guy watching porn continuously for last 100 hours

Sandeep Kadian — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 07:58:08 +0000

Meerut. Ramesh Kumar, a second year student of Ghaseeta Ram Engineering College has been watching porn movies continuously for the last 100 hours. Ever since his room-mate Vijay told him that internet pornography may get banned, he hasn’t come out of his room and is watching porn movies stored on his computer.

Recently, A public interest litigation (PIL) had been filed in Indian Supreme Court seeking a ban on Internet pornography and making the watching of it a non-bailable offense.

First three years of engineering education. The last year is devoted to MBA preparations.

Speaking to Faking News, Ramesh’s friend Vijay said, “Last week I mentioned to him that watching porn may soon become a non-bailable offense, he immediately excused himself, went to his room and switched on his computer. He hasn’t come out of his room since. It has been 100 hours now and we haven’t seen or heard from him. Only sound we hear outside his room is of porn movies being played inside.”

When we asked how he knew that these sounds were from porn movies, Vijay just smiled and said, “Sir, don’t insult engineering students. We can tell by looking at a CD whether there is porn in that CD or not.”

For these four days, the only one who has heard Ramesh’s voice is the college canteen owner, Billu Halwai. Billu told us that Ramesh has been calling him on his mobile and asking for 1 Paneer Butter Masala, 3 Butter Rotis, 1 Coke bottle and few tissues at regular intervals of time. The food and the tissues are delivered to Ramesh’s hostel room.

Ramesh is not the only one worried about a possible porn ban, several students shared their anxieties with us.

“This is getting ridiculous. First they told us not to consume booze or weed, and now they say don’t watch porn. What kind of education system is this?” said Phun Sukh, a first-year mechanical engineering student.

Another student, Samrat Sharma said, “I spent my entire first year downloading porn in the hostel. I even had to buy 3 external hard disks to store it all. Now I have 2 TB of porn and I may not even get to watch it all? This is against our basic human rights.”

As of now, many students are silently speaking against it but a protest at Jantar-Mantar hasn’t been ruled out either.

Meanwhile, a prayer meeting was held in the common room of boys’ hostel to pray for the health of Ramesh Kumar.

Rival IPL team to get one over of Chris Gayle batting

Pagal Patrakar — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 16:15:10 +0000

Mumbai. After what Chris Gayle did to Pune in Bangalore earlier today, BCCI has decided to make IPL an evenly contested tournament and give level playing field to the rival team by giving one over of batting by Gayle.

“The rival team will bat only for 19 overs and the last over – we are calling it the Gayle Equalizer – will be given to Chris Gayle so that some respect and sense is retained in the final scorecard,” IPL chief Rajiv Shukla announced.

Gayle could also be asked to give some smiles to the bowlers of the rival team to distribute smiles evenly

Sources confirm that the Gayle Equalizer has been introduced so that IPL doesn’t come under the scanner of the Competition Commission of India as Gayle’s batting makes a mockery of a healthy competition.

“There was a lurking danger that IPL could be dragged to the courts for monopolistic and restrictive trade policies that arise due to Gayle’s batting. IPL didn’t want another government body running for its neck after receiving income tax notices,” a BCCI source revealed.

However, experts believe that all this is a smokescreen and BCCI has introduced this new feature for making IPL more attractive and lucrative.

“All this talk of restrictive and monopolistic trade practice is bullshit,” a corporate affairs expert claimed, “Chris Gayle’s acts could be either termed ‘Act of ~~Sir Jadeja Sachin~~ God’ or ‘Force Majeure’ such as ~~GayleStorm~~ gale storms, for which no legal liability can be imposed.

“People will die to see an extra over of Gayle’s batting and this will only push up IPL’s TV ratings,” the expert further claimed, “And they will surely earn extra by selling sponsorship rights for the Gayle Equalizer; electronics company GE will be approached I guess.”

Experts predict that this is just the beginning and IPL may introduce a mandatory over of Gayle’s batting in each and every IPL match, so that the West Indian batsman’s full potential is realized before he turns 40 or decides to retire.

Sachin Tendulkar critic retires from asking Sachin Tendulkar to retire

Sachin Kalbag — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 17:43:30 +0000

Mumbai. Lakshman Guha, one of the staunchest critics of Sachin Tendulkar and someone who holds the world record for writing more than 3,000 columns, blog posts and tweets in the last three years asking the batting genius to retire, has retired.

“I cannot take the pressure anymore,” he said, addressing a crowded press conference in Bangalore on Sunday, April 21, three days short of Tendulkar’s 40th birthday. “I am fighting a losing battle. I think the time has come to put my pen down.”

Sachin saying goodbye to his critic

Guha, 35, said he wants to retire from asking Tendulkar to retire so that he can pass on the baton to someone younger, someone with better reflexes and who can hound the little master at post-match press conferences, IPL after-parties and commercial endorsement sets across the world.

“I am fatigued,” Guha said. “I stalked Sachin everywhere since 2010, but the pressure of travel and filing columns, blog posts and tweets got to me. I think someone younger can take my place and carry on this rich tradition for at least three more years.”

The cricket writer warned the younger generation, however, that it too may be on the side of a lost cause. “I cannot discourage you enough,” Guha said, when a young 24-year-old reporter from a national daily asked him at the press conference whether he could take on the role. “Even though I fervently wish someone has the energy and the stamina to take on this onerous task, cricket writers and critics have just not got it in them to take on the might of Tendulkar; whether it is writing in newspapers, blabbering on TV or sharing opinions on Twitter.”

About his critical tweets, Guha said, “I just could not take the abuse on Twitter anymore. You write one thing against Tendulkar, and those @sachin_rt-wingers swoop on you like vultures. If I wrote about his second-innings record, they would abuse me with first innings facts. If I wrote about his captaincy, they would scream me down with his patriotism and how he wears the tricolour on his helmet.”

He said Tendulkar made his Test debut in November 1989, and even after playing for more than 23 years, has not shown any inclination to retire from Tests and the IPL. “I can singlehandedly take the credit for his One-Day International retirement in December 2012,” a teary-eyed Guha said. “It was a rare victory and is testimony to my relentless pursuit of just one mission.”

But when it comes to Tests and IPL, there is just no progress in sight, Guha said. “He just won’t retire, so I did. Tell me, what else should I’ve done,” he said, raising his arms in the air in desperation.

(Sachin, the author of the above report, tweets here)

Son of Congress leader takes his father’s “clean chit” to exam, fails

diggyleaks — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 18:28:05 +0000

New Delhi. Clean chits are not always relieving. Sometimes they can turn out to be disastrous too. In a similar such incident, son of a prominent Congress leader took his father’s clean chit to his examination hall, mistaking it with his ‘nakal chit’ or cheat-sheet, and had to return leaving his answer-sheet as clean as the chit he had carried.

The “clean chit” was issued to the father by a central investigating agency probing serious corruption charges against him. But it got mixed up with the cheat-sheet that was being prepared by a team of senior bureaucrats to help the son with his exams.

The clean chit that didn’t help the next generation

“Senior bureaucrats help senior politicians with such household works to get promotion and plum postings, and rewards post retirement,” a government source explained.

As a result of this blunder, the usually meritorious son failed the examination. His failure was confirmed by sudden CBI raids on the rented apartment of his examiner in the wee hours of Thursday, after which he was arrested in a disproportionate assets case.

The charge framed against the examiner – a schoolmaster – is possessing a second hand scooter, affording fuel for which is quite disproportionate to what he could save from his meager salary in these times of inflation.

“The charges against him are very serious, and we suspected that he may have hidden much more inside his house,” a CBI officer told Faking News.

When confronted with questions while being shoved into the police van, the accused denied the charges against him.

“I buy the petrol for my scooter from the money I earn by giving tuitions at evenings. And what would I hide inside my home when I cannot afford to hide my greying hair with some dye, thanks to mehengaayi daayan!” lamented the schoolmaster defending himself.

The schoolmaster’s defense is reported to have been rejected by the CBI and the accused is unlikely to get a clean chit unless he agrees to pass the junior Congress leader ignoring the latter’s blank answer-sheet.

After receiving constant abuses on Twitter, man happily decides to vote for Modi

Bekar Patel — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:35:27 +0000

New Delhi. “Yes, I will,” Nodded Vikram, when repeatedly asked if he will indeed vote for Narendra Modi even after being constantly abused on social media.

“I joined Twitter just to see the latest jokes and copy them to my Facebook wall. I didn’t like Twitter much since most people don’t respond here until you troll or praise them. It was all boring until the night I posted an instagram picture of Jessuben Pizza my friend had brought from Gujarat, and tweeted that it didn’t taste as good as Dominos,” Vikram recounted how abuses started flowing in.

The next morning when Vikram woke up, he was ecstatic to see a few Twitter reply notifications on his mobile phone. They were replies from real people, unlike bots that used to send him spam tweets about jobs and viagra earlier.

Vikram had almost similar expression on his face when he read the reactions

“Typical of #paidmedia” said one of the replies, which accused Vikram for being anti-Modi and a paid-media, although he was not even a journalist.

Another reply accused him of being a Congress supporter who should settle in Italy.

“I tried to tell them that I’m an apolitical person and I don’t know what they were talking about, but they refused to listen,” Vikram recalled.

Vikram then tweeted “Why are these Modi supporters trolling me?” and his Twitter follower count shot up.

“Within a few hours I was asked to appear on prime-time TV news shows, and soon thereafter I was offered to write weekly column in a newspaper as a Gujarat expert. Initially I refused since I barely know anything about Gujarat and Modi,” the latest Twitter celebrity revealed.

“Finally I gave up and accepted that I was indeed a Modi hater, and see, now I’m giving interviews. Even Faking News came for an interview!” Vikram pointed out.

“I still don’t know what pizza has to with Modi, but after this episode I’ve gained a few thousand followers, did a few TV interviews, became a freelance writer, and now also planning to buy a new house in Defense Colony in New Delhi,” he candidly admitted.

“And yes, that’s why I will vote for Modi, I don’t want him to lose and become irrelevant. What will happen to me in that case?” Vikram explained.

(The writer is a Gujarat political and economic expert living in Delhi since childhood and hopes to make first Gujarat visit when a secular government comes to power)

After lions, SC asks Gujarat to move Ravindra Jadeja to another state

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 17:10:39 +0000

Ahmedabad. In a second blow to Narendra Modi in the same day, Supreme Court directed the Gujarat government to move Ravindra Jadeja out of the state to make sure cricketing talent was evenly distributed across the country.

Earlier, the apex court had asked Gujarat to transfer some lions to Madhya Pradesh – an event that was seen as a ‘Blow to Modi’ by some news channels.

Everyone wants Sir Jadeja

“Gujarat can afford to give a few lions to Madhya Pradesh, but we won’t let Sir Ravindra Jadeja go anywhere,” declared Jignesh Jadeja, all India President of Sir Jadeja Fan Club.

Currently, the all-rounder is playing IPL and representing Chennai Super Kings. Following the court orders, he could be transferred to Delhi Daredevils, currently lying at the bottom of the points table.

“This is in line with inclusive growth that the center supports. BCCI and UPA welcome the court’s decision. We will facilitate Sir Jadeja’s transfer to Delhi Daredevils,” IPL chief and Congress leader Rajiv Shukla told Faking News.

But sources confirm that the decision could be opposed not only by the fans of Ravindra Jadeja, who are growing exponentially in numbers with each passing day, but also by political parties belonging to Gujarat and Tamil Nadu.

“This might cause Gujarat and Tamil Nadu to come together and oppose Delhi,” analyzed a politics-cum-cricket expert, “The only difference is that earlier when they came together, chances of a Gujarati going to Delhi had increased, while this time they will come together to lessen the chances of a Gujarati going to Delhi.”

CBI asked to study history of Nitish Kumar

Pagal Patrakar — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 05:22:02 +0000

New Delhi. After Bihar Chief Minister and Janta Dal (United) leader Nitish Kumar gave clear indications that he could dump NDA if BJP didn’t dump Narendra Modi, Congress has started working on a plan to bring JDU into the UPA fold.

“Bihar could turn into another Uttar Pradesh if BJP-JDU coalition breaks. Lalu and Nitish would become Mulayam and Mayawati of Bihar. Lalu is already there, Nitish needs to be brought in,” a Congress party source confirmed.

Nitish Kumar gestures after CBI failed to find any case against him on day one

As a first step towards that, the party has asked the CBI to study the past of Nitish Kumar and find out a way through which he could have a future similar to Mulayam Singh Yadav and Mayawati – two of the most trusted organs of the UPA’s life support system.

Faking News found this out after our reporter caught a senior CBI official reading the Nitish Kumar article on Wikipedia. Initially the official claimed that he was passing time on internet, but his lies were nailed when a Google Talk message popped up on the laptop screen.

“Yaar, why the hell did the court reject the petition against Nitish in the Fodder Scam last year? Now we’d have to work on weekends too!” read the message sent by someone named “Boss” on the CBI official’s contact list.

After further probing by this correspondent, the CBI official conceded that they were asked “from above” to give a “special status” to Nitish Kumar.

“Normally we go after people who could turn rogue for the UPA, but this is a special case where we are going after a person who could turn rogue for the NDA, that’s why a special status,” the official clarified.

When asked if they could find anything, the CBI official said that they were working towards it.

“It’s going to be a bit tough. Media hasn’t reported much about any misgovernance or corruption in Bihar. We did find a couple of news reports critical of his government, but soon they were replaced with headlines such as – Nitish takes a dig at Modi again – and the news reports subsequently vanished,” the CBI official shared his frustration.

“We might get in touch with Katju sir,” the official added.

IIT Bombay declared a Wildlife Sanctuary

Pagal Patrakar — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 06:20:03 +0000

Mumbai. To solve the issues of leopard sighting and increasingly weird lifestyle of an engineering student, the government has decided to convert IIT Bombay into a Wildlife Sanctuary.

“People can enter the campus and watch the wild engineers, exotic birds, domestic animals, and if they get lucky, they can spot a leopard too,” declared Anjan Aiyar, the newly appointed Forest Officer at IIT Bombay.

Engineering students of India are known to have Ravindra Jadeja like superpowers and authorities believe that tourists will be willing to pay to watch these nerds in action.

A leopard mimicking posture of an engineering student after a daaru party

“We have students who skip meals and survive only on sutta-chai, students who are trying to fit GPS kits into underwears, students wearing banyans that have holes in shape of Venn diagram, students who pronounce ‘LOL’ while laughing in real life… and many more forms of life that inhabit this sanctuary,” Mr. Aiyar made a pitch for the latest wildlife sanctuary of India.

“And of course, PhD students are there too!” he added.

When asked what will happen to the scholastic pursuits of the students if the campus is turned into a sanctuary, Aiyar clarified that the decision won’t have any adverse impact on the careers, if any, of the students enrolled in various courses.

“The sanctuary will be open for public only from 2 PM, by when most of the students wake up, till around 7 PM; so it won’t interfere with their daily lives, which normally begin only after the sunset,” Anjan Aiyar explained why India will not see a slowdown in the engineer manufacturing sector.

Residents of IIT Bombay, excluding the leopards, have welcomed the idea of converting the campus into a wildlife sanctuary.

“It will prepare the students for interaction with the outside world in a better manner. Many people still consider engineers as some different form of life but don’t say it openly. However, they will be true to themselves when visiting the sanctuary as sightseers, and thus the students will know what awaits them when they graduate,” a professor at IIT Bombay explained.

“I just hope they budget at least a few thousand crore rupees for this project and call it ‘Save the Engineers’ campaign,” an official at the Ministry of HRD told Faking News when asked for reaction.

Out of ideas for improved iPhone, Apple decides to improve iPod

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 16:58:56 +0000

California, USA. Confused over whether to increase the screen size of the next iPhone or decrease the same for the new iPad Mini, Apple has decided to go back to the traditional iPod and change its features to showcase some innovation it has been allegedly known for.

Sources confirm that after BlackBerry CEO Thorsten Heins slammed iPhone as “outdated” last month, Apple had been working towards giving a befitting reply to its self-declared born-again competitor.

“Two sets of engineers were asked to work – one on iPhone and another on iPad – and when they came up with the improved designs such as altered thickness, weight, and screen sizes, the products looked almost the same!” an Apple source confirmed.

The latest thing you just can’t live without

“There was only one difference between the new iPhone 6 and the iPad Mini 2 – the ability to make voice calls,” the source revealed, “And of course, a difference of $ 199 in prices.”

“Okay, chuck it. Lets’ go for iPod 7!” Tim Cook, CEO of Apple Inc. is reported to have told the rather embarrassed engineers caught in an awkward situation.

Whilst the engineers worked on a new design for iPod that would play music like Mozart, product managers finalized the new product promotion plan.

As part of the plan, Apple leaked some information on the internet earlier today, which was quickly lapped up by eager fans waiting for the latest rumor about iPhone/iPad rumors.

“Wow! Music has come back to our lives!” reacted a fan, who was mighty impressed with the various colors the new iPod 7 came in.

“I am totally going to buy the white iPod 7 – what a classy look!” declared another fan, ready to stand in queue to buy the new iPod and break the previous sales record.

When asked if they really needed a new iPod when they could enjoy music on their latest iPhones and iPads, the fans accused Faking News of being an Android agent and went back to check the latest features of the new iPod.

“Wow, you can change sound tracks through hand gestures. Now we know where Samsung Galaxy S4 got ideas from!” declared a fan after checking out the new features.

(based on this FN 2.0 report)

Facebook to impact 16 million class 10th and 12th results

Pagal Patrakar — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 11:36:55 +0000

New Delhi. After a research claimed that Social Media could impact as many as 160 Lok Sabha seats in the next general elections, another research has claimed that websites like Facebook and Twitter could impact results of at least 16 million students in India who took their class 10^th and 12^th exams earlier this year.

A representative picture of a student busy with social media while sitting on a backlog of unfinished syllabus

“Many who spent all their time on Facebook and Twitter are going to get anda (egg) – the default display picture of Twitter – as marks,” a researcher predicted students getting zero and thus F grade when results are announced in a few weeks.

According to the study, millions of students, especially boys, were busy checking out display pictures of girls, making fake profiles, and copy-pasting jokes on such websites, and consequently were ill prepared for the exams.

“Girls too wasted time uploading pictures and comparing vital stats like Facebook likes and Twitter retweets,” the researcher clarified why social media was set to impact the academic performance of test takers irrespective of gender.

“Girls have been traditionally performing better at these board exams when compared to boys, but if there is a reversal of trend this year, don’t blame the girl or the textbook, blame Facebook,” the researcher added.

Italy panics as Marines shown Himmatwala

Achu Pichu — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 07:04:01 +0000

Rome, Italy. A pall of gloom descended over Italy as unconfirmed rumors that the arrested Marines may have been taken for a special screening of Himmatwala spread like a wildfire.

This restaurant could be converted into a temporary home for the Marines when they return

Apparently the marines partly inflicted it on themselves when they expressed their desire to watch a Bollywood movie, and the government of India was quick to oblige lest another diplomatic standoff was created. But it remains a mystery on who chose Himmatwala.

A Very concerned Italian Prime Minister called up Dr. Manmohan Singh and expressed his concern. Apparently he wanted to add Bollywood movies in the list of exemptions Italy seeks along with death penalty.

“It’s a rarest of the rare case,” asserted Dr. Singh about the movie, “We don’t make such movies very often and in spite of the seriousness of the crime the marines are charged with, we have deep sympathies for the them if they indeed were shown that movie.”

However, the External Affairs minister Salman Kurshid told a TV channel that no special assurances would be given to Italy: “We have already promised that we won’t torture the prisoners and that should cover this. We don’t need to give any special assurance.”

Meanwhile the public opinion in Italy seems to be swelling in favor of bringing back the Marines before their sanity is seriously impacted by the effects of the movie.

“They need a lot of comfort,” Marcello Burgio of Sicily told Faking news. “I have seen the trailer on YouTube and it can be really damaging if shown the full movie.”

Katju demands Kasab be brought back to life

Achu Pichu — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 06:57:34 +0000

New Delhi. Responding to what Justice Katju himself perceived as a groundswell of goodwill from the people of India, the PCI chairman today demanded that the Indian government does whatever possible to bring Kasab back to life.

Justice makes a passionate appeal

Addressing a group of pressmen, Mr Katju said, “Kasab was otherwise an affable young man and has already paid for his error of judgment with his life and it’s time that he is now given a second chance.”

When probed further on how this can be feasible, he refused to dwell into details, but said, “This is a country where Narakasura and Mahishasura have been brought back to life and given a chance to live again. So we have the precedence. It’s for the government to sort out how the modalities be handled.”

As of this report being published, sources confirmed that the request has been received by the President of India and he is in consultation with scientists and religious gurus.

Television sets get permanent image of Narendra Modi

Achu Pichu — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 18:21:21 +0000

New Delhi. The national consumer forum of India today directed all the TV manufacturers to replace TV sets that have been displaying a permanent image of Narendra Modi even after they are switched off.

A defective TV set

Sources confirm that consumer forums across the country have received thousands of complaints over the past few weeks in this regard.

“It’s called LCD burning in technical terms,” said an official from a television company, “It happens very rarely only when excessive projection of the same image is displayed for an unduly prolonged duration. We have made very vast technology improvements over the past decade and thought we solved this problem once for all till this issue surfaced.”

“It’s unfair to blame the manufacturers for this problem,” said another manufacturer, “The units are not tested for extreme conditions such as what’s happening now and the broadcast companies should be made accountable!”

Meanwhile all consumers have been advised to switch on and off between Discovery channel and news channels to make sure that such damage is averted.