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I’m all for giving it a try—and here’s just one of many reasons why: The more we learn about interpersonal neurobiology and how the brain works, the more evidence there is that we become less capable socially if we spend too much time in front of screens. This is especially true for our children, whose brains are still in the process of being developed. All the ins and outs of how dramatically media use can affect the pathways in brains are yet to be discovered, but here is some scary evidence:

• University of Washington pediatrician Dimitri Christakis shares his research in a TEDxRainier talk called “Media and Children.” He states that every hour per day a child under three watches TV increases that child’s chance of having attentional deficits by 10% (no matter what the quality of programming). With the brain pathways being laid during a child’s first thousand days of development, these attentional deficits are irreversible and will impact the child’s social and emotional skills throughout his/her life.
• Stanford psychologist Philip G. Zimbardo delves into another frightening phenomenon related to digital use: He points out that boys start watching pornography as young as age 10, that the average American high school boy spends two hours each week watching porn, and that it can lead to “arousal addictions.” To further underscore the consequences of pornography addiction, a 2011 study showed that, over time, pornography addiction can lead to erectile dysfunction—a dramatic example of the brain’s rewiring due to the overuse/abuse of media. For further exploration of this important topic, check out Gary Wilson’s TED talk on the Great Porn Experiment or Philip Zimbardo’s TED talk.

Whether it’s watching TV shows, cartoons, or movies, playing games, engaging in social networking, or just surfing the Internet, screen use for entertainment is likely changing who our children will become. In that light, I recommend being vigilant about the quantity and quality of what they’re seeing and doing. Here are a few tips to consider as you contemplate your family screen time:


Be careful what you let in.

Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” What if this quote were true, that “You are what you think”? If you watch Bart put down his dumb dad every day, how do you treat your own dad? If you watch “Power Rangers” regularly, dress up and “play fight” with your friends as a Ranger, and write stories about Power Rangers for school, how do you handle real-life conflict? In contrast, if you watch Mr. Rogers patiently teach you about the ways of the farm, the family, a restaurant, or how to treat others, do you develop patience and tolerance and learn how to get along in the world? And, think about the nightly news. Does it inspire you to be a better person and help others?

Choose your media as carefully as you choose your friends.

I first heard these words from Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia. She shared the irony that we keep our kids inside, afraid of the strangers at the park, yet plop them down in front of the television and let all kinds of unseemly characters into their absorbing minds–from violent cartoon villains, to snarky “cool” kids, to Disney princesses needing to be rescued.

It’s harder to change a bad habit than it is to keep a good one.

Screen-Free Week is a good time to start cutting back on screen time and then carrying over the new healthy habits into an outdoor summer. The Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood has a free, comprehensive Screen-Free Week Organizer’s Kit available for download on its Web site. It’s filled with suggested activities, fact sheets about the impact of screens on our lives, sample promotion materials, and much more. If you’re inclined to acknowledge the week in a more low-key way, have a family meeting to brainstorm what you would like to be doing more of as a family, especially physical and/or creative activities. Once you have the list, make a family plan to do the activities; you’ll find that you need to cut back on screen use to make the activities happen.

Moderation is the key.

I would never in a million years ask you to give up chocolate completely. Same thing with TV and movies and playing video games. As with chocolate, the key is moderation: Every once in a while is OK, but too much is not. Unfortunately, the average American watches more than four hours of screen entertainment per day. That seems like a lot of “connecting” time given over to media. Doreen Dodgen-Magee, Ph.D., examines our digital dilemma in her article, “The Key to Surviving the Negative Impact of Digital Technology: Moderation,” and she offers a lot of food for thought. For a few other ways to keep digital entertainment in check, consider these suggestions:

• Keep the TV and computer out of the bedroom.
• If your kids are under 10, think about limiting screen entertainment to weekends. Weekdays are complicated enough with homework, sports, music, dance, gymnastics, etc.
• If your kids are a little older, come to a mutual agreement about the quantity and quality of their screen use—even to the point of their writing out and signing the agreement. Build in consequences for not following the agreement.
• If your family watches TV shows and movies and plays video games, choose wisely. Organizations such as Common Sense Media provides reviews and recommendations for age-appropriate TV shows, movies, music, games, apps, etc.

Because our children are digital “natives” with the Internet and digital devices available 24/7–unlike any generation before them–we need to mindfully make choices and cultivate in them the inner wisdom that will allow them to master the art of social connection in this challenging Digital Age. Our forthcoming book, Face to Face: Cultivating Kids’ Social Lives in Today’s Digital World, will give you the tools and encouragement to address this critical new parenting dilemma. In the meantime, ask your family: Are we playing outside more than we’re playing video games? Are TV shows and movies we watch influencing us positively and inspiring us? Do we have enough quality “connecting” time? If each of you can answer yes to the above, you’re on the right track and your children will thrive. If you can’t answer yes to the questions, it may be time to step up and power down.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. For inspiration, check out The Campaign for Commercial-Free Childhood’s “101 Screen-Free Activities.”

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My research on willpower answered some of these ponderings. Some of the best information came from this month’s featured book, Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney. I also was inspired by The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel Pink, and The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science by Norman Doidge

We live in a culture rampant with seductions that lure us, and we are not doing very well resisting. Our American cohort sadly struggles with instant gratification, debt, clutter, hoarding, obesity, drug addiction, screen addiction, pornography, and the list goes on. What’s up?! Do we all have less willpower than previous times? I’ve read somewhere that we spend 25% of our day resisting urges–to sleep, to eat, to take a break, to check emails, to surf the Internet, etc. If we’re not holding our own when it comes to willpower, how can we expect our kids to have self control or the stamina to even get their homework done?

According to recent research, willpower is surely way more complex than we thought.It turns out that willpower:

• Works like a muscle (Really!)
• Can be depleted (I feel it!)
• Runs on glucose (Who knew?)
• Can be replenished (Thank goodness!)

Like a muscle, willpower must be practiced. In one study, people tracked food intake in an effort to eat healthy. Those who kept close track not only ate more mindfully, but their willpower to eat well also spread to other areas: exercise, clutter control, and budgeting. In a similar study, when the subjects monitored “to do” lists successfully and focused on organizing their lives, the willpower also spread to other areas as it did when subjects closely monitored their money. In short, research shows that practicing our willpower “muscle” in one area strengthens our willpower in other areas.

Just as a muscle can get tired and sore, so, too, can willpower become fatigued and even be depleted. Social psychologist Roy F. Baumeister challenged students with tasks that required impulse-control such as resisting cookies when hungry, watching a boring display instead of a comedy video, or not feeling emotions while watching a very emotional movie. After each of the willpower-draining activities, subjects did poorly on subsequent tasks such as solving a
difficult puzzle and squeezing a handgrip. His research suggests that willpower “juice” can run out. This shows, when it comes to exerting self control, there is a finite store of energy.

Because we all want to have willpower when we need it, we need to know what causes willpower fatigue or depletion. There are a variety of causes:

• Low glucose leads to low willpower. Scientists have discovered that willpower actually runs on glucose, a chemical in the blood stream. For this reason, forget diets! You need glucose to have the willpower to stay on a diet, and diets, by their very nature, deplete glucose stores. In 2007, Baumeister studied the impact of pleasure on willpower (aka “the Mardi Gras Effect”–that pleasure makes Lent easier). The assumption was that a milkshake (pleasure) would boost willpower tasks better than a tasteless glucose glob (no pleasure). But the results showed no difference; both led to an increase in willpower tasks. Further research showing that sugarless lemonade did not impact willpower reinforced the fact it was the glucose that mattered.
• Sleep deprivation depletes willpower, perhaps even more than low glucose.
• Being sick depletes glucose which depletes willpower. Chronic pain is a slow drain, too.
• Controlling emotions and thoughts deplete willpower. Think parenting every single day or the academic and social challenges a kid faces daily at school.
• Stress depletes willpower. With the tendency to lose control of emotions in this state, conflicts can arise.
• Making decisions fatigues willpower, especially if the decision is for yourself or if the decision is about something you won’t enjoy.
• Undones deplete your willpower, too. Once you put a task out there and don’t do it, the task will keep popping into your mind until you either do it or make a plan to do it.
• Too many goals (New Year’s resolutions) compete with each other for your limited willpower resources and leave you so drained you might need . . . a cupcake. Leaving too many options open also can deplete your willpower resources and lead to worry, angst, and stress.
• Clutter and messy rooms/desks impact willpower.
• Lack of autonomy is a willpower breaker. In yet another study, students sat near freshly baked cookies and then were asked to complete willpower tasks. Group A was asked, “Please not eat the cookies today. Is that okay? We are measuring the ability to resist temptation.” Group B was told, “Do not eat the cookies.” Group A did better on the willpower tasks. It turns out that autonomy is top on the list of what motivates us to do our work well, according to Daniel Pink. Other motivators include mastery and purpose, especially if thinking or creativity is required.

We are most vulnerable when our willpower is depleted. With depleted willpower (low glucose), we easily give in to any kind of temptation, especially anything with sugar, but also consider drinking and drugs. It is no wonder stores put candy and soda near the check-out stand. Also, our emotions get amplified when our willpower tank is empty. Think about taking your child to a store after spending a full day at school. What’s the experience like? Not pleasant, I’ll bet. Planning strategies in advance, like having healthy snacks ready in the car at pick-up time, can avoid low willpower states and make the difference between a fun outing and a fiasco.
We can replenish and strengthen our willpower. Thank goodness, but how?

• Sleep. Enough said!
• Eat: Sweets, white bread, potatoes (ice cream) will ramp up willpower fast–then take you down again when the glucose wears out. Foods with a low glycemic index (nuts, fruits, and veggies) will give you a slower but longer boost.
• Plan out decisions ahead of time, so you don’t have so many at once. This will help to keep your willpower steady.
• Focus on one goal at a time and your success rate goes up, because each goal demands willpower juice. Get rid of options you don’t need and goals that compete with each other.
• Monitor your progress. (People who keep food diaries lose more weight.)
• Do one thing and only one thing at a time.
• Devote time in the morning (without interruptions) to your most important goal. (Perhaps mornings are a good time for piano practice.)
• Keep desks and rooms organized. (I love the reward of a clean kitchen to start the day so much that I am disciplined about cleaning up before I go to bed, even when I’m exhausted.)
• Use “Positive Procrastination”: Substitute “I can have it later” for “No. I can’t have that.” It helps to ease the craving and subsequent willpower depletion of resisting. Often you’ll end up forgetting about what you originally wanted.

At this time of the school year, there’s a lot going on for our kids. We need to be mindful of not only our willpower levels and what’s affecting us, but also their willpower levels and what’s affecting them. Be sure they get enough sleep, are eating well, are taking one thing at a time, have an organized, clutter-free area to work and play, are learning organization and prioritizing skills, and they’ll be OK. They’ll make it through their busy days—and so will you—with willpower to spare.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

P.S. If you want to hear Roy Baumeister himself talk about his research, click here.

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We do experience fleeting moments of connection when our “battery recharges,” and we cherish those moments deeply. The reality is, however, that we don’t seem to experience those moments as often or for as long we would like or even need. Shouldn’t taking the time to relax and connect with each other be a priority of our life rhythm?

Unfortunately, what I see as a life coach is that, rather than conserving energy and focusing on peace, ease, and connection, family life never seems to slow down: School projects take over the family dining table, sports teams’ practices gear up in anticipation of spring season, we eat in our cars on the way to dance and gymnastics, and everyone goes to bed later and later because there is always so much to do. The truth of the matter is: Slowing down enough to put closeness and strong ties into your days today can lead to smoother sailing over the next few months–when the spring season of action, growth, and school deadlines arrives.

So, what does my title, “Connection: It Starts with Respect,” have to do with all this? Bottom line is: Respect for ourselves, our partners, and our kids provides the impetus for us to slow down enough and take the time to make connection a priority for each person in the family.

Respect is a bit of a dicey word in our culture today. Many parents feel they are not getting enough of it from their kids. Most tweens and teens feel they are not getting enough of it from the adults in their lives: parents, teachers, coaches, salespeople in stores, etc. My teenagers used to ask me to shop with them, because of the lack of respect and trust they felt from the salespeople.

Another side of this is that both adults and tweens/teens get hung up with, “They don’t deserve my respect.” In truth, the word deserve does not appear in the Webster definition of respect: “high or special regard or to show consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody.” Listening to and connecting with someone you don’t have respect for is challenging. Think about it. When you are with an adult you don’t respect, how attentive are you to what she has to say? How much time do you want to spend with him?

Now think about your children. Do you really respect them with “special or high regard?” Do you find yourself sometimes dis-regarding or dismissing what they have to say, because . . . they are too young, you know better, they are saying ____ to manipulate me or get their way. How well can one really listen and connect if respect is missing?

Our book this month, Respectful Parents, Respectful Children, reminds us that respect starts with us: parents. When we treat our children with respect, we model respect and we listen. We listen for what they really value and long for. When we listen like this, our children feel heard.

How do you begin to practice this powerful lesson?

1. Start by saying, “I respect you for . . . ” to your child more often. (This is the first step I focus on in my “Connect by Coaching Your Kid” class that starts this month.) The way this works is that you take a few minutes to write down the qualities you respect and admire in your child. Then, be on the alert for real-life opportunities when your child manifests those qualities. When the opportunities arise (and they will), say, “I respect (admire) you for . . . (insert quality). An example is: “I really respect how hard you studied for the math test.”

2. Listen for the underlying value or need driving your child’s behavior or request. (This step will be covered in our upcoming “Compassionate Communication” class.) Ask yourself, for example, when your child is having a temper tantrum, does she have a need for sleep, food, rest, attention? If your child is not keeping his or her room clean, does he have a need for creativity, independence, choice? Sometimes, all you can do is guess, but calling attention to the value/need helps us to figure out what makes our kids tick rather than just focusing on the behavior and how to squelch it. Once our kids get connected to their own values/needs and realize we are really trying to understand them, then they are in a better place to listen to our values and needs. Just giving your kids what they need is not what this is about. Rather, helping them to discover their underlying needs so they (sometimes with your help) can come up with effective ways to get their needs met while considering your needs is a win-win for both of you.

If you are an information junkie like me, check out the following links for more information on this complicated but powerful topic:

• Here is how respect can look in your life: from Parent as Coach, the book we use in “Connect by Coaching Your Kid” classes.
• If you like to learn by reading, check out “Peaceful Parenting”, an article that authors Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson gave us permission to use in our books, Raising Our Daughters and Raising Our Sons. The article will give you a detailed overview of how seamlessly this approach can bring peace into your family.
• If you learn by seeing, check out my video introduction to Compassionate Communication.
• And, if you learn by doing, come join our free introduction to Compassionate Communication scheduled for Monday evening, February 4—and bring a friend or learning buddy.

I challenge you to use this wonderful winter season to brush up on your parenting skills by focusing on respect and learning the invaluable tool of Compassionate Communication.

With admiration for all you do,

Dr. Kathy

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I am about to exit one stage of parenting and enter another, as my daughter plans her wedding. She looks radiant in the dress she’s chosen, whispers lovingly to her fiancé, and makes plans for a family of her own someday–the wondrous cycle of life resplendent before my eyes. As I return to stand-still awe, I’m inspired to reflect upon my journey of parenting Kaitlin and upon all that she and her brother have taught me.

I believe that parenting is a rudder that keeps us directed toward what really matters. If we steer with our children’s best interests in mind and heart–and thoughtfully engage in their everyday living without going on auto-pilot–our journey of parenting can lead to fulfillment, to finding meaning and purpose in our own lives. Truly, our children give us the chance to see the world anew, with fresh eyes, to embrace the ordinary and return to what Buddhists lovingly call, “the beginner’s mind.” Yes, if we watch and listen closely, our children remind us every day that there is a greater power beyond ourselves.

In exploring the theme of how our children can lead us inward, I was excited to hear about our featured book of the month. In Parenting as a Spiritual Journey: Deepening Ordinary and Extraordinary Events into Sacred Occasions Nancy Fuchs-Kreimer offers ample ideas of the lessons our kids teach us and how we can internalize those lessons and live more fully, more deeply, in a sacred space. For example, in her prologue, Rabbi Kreimer writes: “All the theology I’d studied would not help me raise my children. But it might work the other way. Raising children might help me learn something about God.”

Inspired by Rabbi Kreimer’s words and the beauty and transformative power of the stories in her book, I’ve compiled a short list of what Kaitlin and Jon, my children, have taught me—insights that have re-awakened my “beginners’ mind” and fostered my own spirituality:

DELIGHT IN SIMPLE LIVING
Children delight in simple pleasures. My kids and their friends would wait patiently in line to go on the zip line in our yard. Then they would zip through the trees in delight and do it all over and over and over again. They would pull me to the fruit and veggies growing in our gardens and eat raspberries one by one with glee.

Kids laugh so easily and unabashedly that my heart soars just being around children, anybody’s children. They can remind us that delighting in simple pleasures just might free us from working so hard to buy “stuff” to give us pleasure! This story provides a stark example of how valuing simple living might look:

Maryjo and Marcos dedicated the weekend to the kids–taking them from the children’s museum, to the indoor swim park, to a movie, and out for pizza. When Maryjo asked her son what he liked best about the weekend, he responded, “Sweeping out the garage with dad.”

DANCE IN THE MOMENT
Kids live in the moment naturally. As we grow up, we “learn” to plan for the future and build on the past, being told that being prepared and looking ahead will “get you ahead.” But there’s glory in “dancing in the moment.“

I was “forced” into “the moment” during my kids’ teen years, when my previously “effective” parenting strategies no longer worked. The biologic drive for individuation in those little darlings manifested daily with a new challenge: May I sleep-over with boys there? May I go to a rock concert? May I go camping with my friends? I learned quickly that simply saying “No” was not only ineffective, but it also seemed to instigate even more intensity and conflict. So I learned to embrace the present situation, make the best decision I could at the particular moment, stay connected with my kids, and enjoy the dance.

The big question is: How can we dance to a win-win place? I’m still working on dancing in the moment and not dwelling in the past nor planning stridently for the future. Living in the moment—and enjoying it without fear—takes a lot of faith.

TRUST
Having faith that living simply in the moment will lead to a rich life takes trust–in others, in ourselves, in a power bigger that all of us. And children can teach us about that trust! They trust us from the get-go, following our every move, watching us for signs of what is right and wrong, how to behave in certain situations, when to laugh, when to cry. Hopefully, we live up to the trust and offer our best selves as their role models. Hopefully, too, we learn to trust them to find their own inner wisdom and to use it.

LOVE
Ultimately, however, what matters most is love. Our children help us to witness and experience unconditional love. Even through the challenging, careless, risky, crazy things kids do, we still love them. I see this as divine intervention–our blessed children leading us on the path to a meaningful, righteous, sacred life.

With love and gratitude in my heart,

Dr. Kathy

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