f a m i l y

The X-treme Parenting Makeover Workbook

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 22:45:00 +0000

by Jill Abilock Breaking out of the self-esteem trap requires a radical shift in thinking that will allow us to challenge and change our fundamental attitudes and beliefs about childrearing. The X-treme Parenting Makeover is intended to facilitate that shift by restructuring parenting strategies and goals within the framework of interdependence a framework that recognizes our shared humanity and need for each other as the key to a happy, healthy self. When we embrace interdependence, we discover that love, patience, compassion, and generosity, for others and for ourselves, flow easily. The message we send our children changes from "you are the center of the universe" to "the universe is the center of you," and in learning to respond to it, they gain autonomy, resilience, and self-esteem.

· X-Treme Parenting Makeover Introduction: Page 1
X-Treme Parenting Makeover Introduction: Page 2
Session 1: Your Kid is Not King
Session 2: Real Life is Disappointing
Session 3: Autonomy is the Goal
Session 4: Don't Feed Kids Junk Praise
Session 5: Resilience Comes From Being Flexible
Session 6: Talent & Creativity Require Patience
Session 7: Kindness & Generosity Bring Happiness
Session 8: Good Character Wins
Session 9: Your Relationships Set the Example
Session 10: Belonging Means Contributing
Session 11: XPM table (in session order)
Session 12: XPM table (in chapter order)

Parents, Being Ordinary is Special

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 22:38:00 +0000

Kids today feel entitled to every advantage and unwilling to make the leap into adulthood. As Polly Young-Eisendrath makes clear in this brilliant account of where a generation has gone astray, parents trying to make their children feel special are unwittingly interfering with their kids' ability to accept themselves and cope with life. Clarifying an enormous cultural change, THE SELF ESTEEM TRAP shows why so many young people have trouble with empathy and compassion, struggle with moral values, and are stymied in the face of adversity. Young-Eisendrath offers prescriptive advice on how adults can help kids-through the teen and young adult years-develop self-worth, setting them on the right track to productive, balanced, and happy lives.

The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance
By Polly Young-Eisendrath

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Digital Mothering

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 06:56:00 +0000

To read this month's digital issue, click here.

Forgiving Your Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 16:44:00 +0000

Forgiving our parents is a core task of adulthood, and one of the most crucial kinds of forgiveness. We see our parents in our mates, in our friends, in our bosses, even in our children. When we've felt rejected by a parent and have remained in that state, we will inevitably feel rejected by these important others as well.

But letting our parents off the hook, psychologist Robert Karen says, is the first step toward happiness, self-acceptance and maturity. Here are some thoughts to help the healing begin:

Resolve resentment.
Nursing resentments toward a parent does more than keep that parent in the doghouse. We get stuck there, too, forever the child, the victim, the have-not in the realm of love. Strange as it may seem, a grudge is a kind of clinging, a way of not separating, and when we hold a grudge against a parent, we are clinging not just to the parent, but more specifically to the bad part of the parent. It's as if we don't want to live our lives until we have this resolved and feel the security of their unconditional love. We do so for good reasons psychologically. But the result is just the opposite: We stay locked into the badness and we don't grow up.

Develop realistic expectations.
The sins of parents are among the most difficult to forgive. We expect the world of them, and we do not wish to lower our expectations. Decade after decade, we hold out the hope, often unconsciously, that they will finally do right by us. We want them to own up to all their misdeeds, to apologize, to make heartfelt pleas for our forgiveness. We want our parents to embrace us, to tell us they know we were good children, to undo the favoritism they've shown to a brother or sister, to take back their hurtful criticisms, to give us their praise.

Hold on to the good.
Most parents love their children, with surprisingly few exceptions. But no parent is perfect—which means that everyone has childhood wounds. If we're lucky, our parents were good enough for us to be able to hold on to the knowledge of their love for us and our love for them, even in the face of the things they did that hurt us.

Foster true separation.
To forgive is not to condone the bad things our parents have done. It's not to deny their selfishness, their rejections, their meanness, their brutality, or any of the other misdeeds, character flaws, or limitations that may attach to them. It is important to separate from our parents—which is to stop seeing ourselves as children who depend on them for our emotional well-being, to stop being their victims, to recognize that we are adults with some capacity to shape our own lives and the responsibility to do so.

Let your parents back into your heart.
When we do that, we can begin to understand the circumstances and limitations they labored under, recognize the goodness in them that our pain has pushed aside, feel some compassion perhaps, not only for the hard journey they had but also for the pain we have caused them.

Commit to the journey.
Getting to a forgiving place, finding the forgiving self inside us, is a long and complicated journey. We have to be ready to forgive. We have to want to forgive. The deeper the wound, the more difficult the process—which makes forgiving parents especially hard. Along the way, we may have to express our protest, we may have to be angry and resentful, we may even have to punish our parents by holding a grudge. But when we get there, the forgiveness we achieve will be a forgiveness worth having. Oprah.com

Exploring the Deeper Journey of Motherhood

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 20:20:00 +0000

Acts of Gratitude by Sarah Juliusson

I saw a beautiful thing this weekend. A woman sat down next to me at the bar of a busy neighborhood restaurant. It was lunchtime on a rainy Saturday – just an ordinary moment in an ordinary day – not a time you expect to witness magic.

Leaning conspiratorially forward, she beckoned furtively to the waitress and asked to pay for the meal of another customer. Many months ago, the woman had helped her, a complete stranger, in a difficult moment. This was her opportunity to give back. The bill was paid with a smile, and she quickly left asking the waitress to deliver her gratitude.

Gratitude. How often do we express our gratitude to those who have helped us in ways big and small? How often do we feel appreciated for what we have offered? As mothers we experience both a bounty of giving and receiving help. Saying thank you is important, yes, but I find myself musing on the different ways we can experience and express gratitude.
Remember the random acts of kindness movement that began emerged in the 90’s? Suddenly tolls were being paid for by the car ahead, and flowers gifted on street corners. Perhaps we can extend the idea to include random acts of gratitude.

Whether it was a moment that occurred two decades ago or support you received yesterday, why not reach out with a simple gift of gratitude? Envision a world with more thank you cards, more mysterious flower deliveries, more bundles of cookies on our doorsteps….
Consider this our Mama Renew nudge to reach out,
say thank you, bring kindness into our world,
and share gratitude in new and unexpected ways.

How to Love Your Children with All Your Might and Still Raise a Good Kid

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 06:51:00 +0000

Growing up, Elizabeth Lesser was devoted to her dolls. As a parent, however, she's learned that such excessive giving isn't always the best for her children.

There is a Persian myth of the first two parents who loved their children so much that they ate them up. God thought, "Well, this can't go on." So he reduced parental love by something like ninety-nine and nine-tenth percent, so parents wouldn't eat up their children. —Joseph Campbell

My children and I grew up together. I was 22 when my first son took up residence in my womb. I was just a kid—a big kid having a little kid. But it didn't feel to me that I was too young, because I had been planning on having a baby for a long time—since I was about four or five. I was one of those little girls whose greatest joy was to cradle a doll, sing to it, and tuck it into its crib. I would never go to school without arranging the babies and stuffed animals comfortably on my bed, making sure they were warm in the winter and cool in the summer, and grouped according to their current likes and dislikes of each other. I already was afflicted by the motherhood gene: I could feel what my dolls were feeling; I wanted them to be happy and safe; I worried about their wellbeing. My sisters found in my devotion to my dolls a reliable way to antagonize me. I once found a baby doll hanging in my room like a lynch mob victim, the pull-string of the window shade wrapped around her pudgy plastic neck.

For months after this incident, I paid extra attention to the doll, hoping its little psyche had not been traumatized. If such a thing existed I would have found a doll therapist and spent my allowance on the baby's recovery. Even after I stopped playing with them, I never banished my dolls to a box in a closet. I knew that would hurt their feelings. I still have them; they sit silently on a shelf in my grown-up bedroom. I rearrange their seating every now and then.

Can you really love your children less ?

5 Keys To Your Child's Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 02:49:00 +0000

"Practically everything we do as parents is motivated by a desire to see our children be happy. The good news is that there is much you can do to encourage them to discover true happiness for themselves. Every day, in each moment, you can offer essential encouragement through your loving presence, your own example and your steadfast support. As you encourage your children to be happy, you may notice that something else happens, which is that you become happier too." - Dr. Robert Holden

"If I could wish for one thing in my life, it would be that my children grow up happy," says Diane, a mother of two girls, ages 6 and 2. Diane is not alone. A research study conducted in 67 countries interviewed parents from diverse cultures, faiths and income levels about what they most wished for their children. The number one answer, by a long shot, was happiness. Every parent wants his or her child to be happy. If you are a parent, you know how true this is. Unconditional love is only interested in happiness.

In my happiness course, Be Happy, I give my participants a test called The Happiness Genie for Kids. The idea is that a genie appears in your life and offers you a series of wishes you can make on your children's behalf. Each wish is a forced choice. For example, "I wish my child has wealth or happiness." In the last course, 100 percent of parents chose happiness over wealth; 95 percent chose happiness over academic excellence; 95 percent chose happiness over fame; and 90 percent chose happiness over success.

We know what we want for our children, but how do we do it? Well, first it's important to understand that you cannot make your children happy. That said, there is plenty you can do to encourage them to be happy. The distinction between making and encouraging is a vital one. Parents who believe they can make their children happy are prone to making other mistakes like trying too hard to be a good parent, intervening too much, being overcontrolling and believing they always know what's best for their children.

In adult-to-adult relationships, when a person makes it their mission to make their partner or friend happy, they usually end up disappointed, in unhealthy sacrifice and in a role (full-time employment, more like) as a helper. Similarly, if you believe it is your partner/friend's job to make you happy, you will also be disappointed. What's true for adult-to-adult relationships is also true for parent-child relationships. True happiness isn't something you manufacture for others; it exists in their spiritual DNA already. What you can do is offer encouragement to help bring their happiness out.

Practically everything we do as parents is motivated by a desire to see our children be happy. The good news is that there is much you can do to encourage them to discover true happiness for themselves. Every day, in each moment, you can offer essential encouragement through your loving presence, your own example and your steadfast support. As you encourage your children to be happy, you may notice that something else happens, which is that you become happier too. 5 keys to your child's happiness Photo: © 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation

Babies of Working Moms Get Just as Much Cuddle Time

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:44:00 +0000

by Bethany Sanders (Subscribe to Bethany Sanders's posts)

Cuddle time is a big part of a baby's day. Photo:ScaleOvenStove, Flickr

Babies of working moms get just as much cuddle time as babies of stay-at-home moms, says a new report out of Australia. Researchers followed parents of 3,000 babies between the ages of three months and 14 months to find out how they spent their time.

While working moms spend less time with their babies -- about 83 minutes less a day than their stay-home counterparts -- their babies often spend those minutes with their dad or grandparents instead. Babies of both groups of moms spent 138 minutes a day being cuddled, and also enjoyed equal amounts of time being read to and talked to as well.

Interestingly, while having a working mother doesn't have a significant effect on how much attention babies get, breastfeeding does. Babies who nursed spent an extra hour a day with mom, and received an extra half hour of cuddling, holding and talking -- probably while nursing. Then again, breastfed babies also slept about 40 minutes less a day, so that time may have taken place in the middle of the night when moms -- working or not -- would rather be sleeping.This study -- finally -- appears to settle at least one part of the mommy wars. Working moms devote as much time as possible to their babies, and when they can't be there, that other loving parent no one seems to write guilt-inducing studies about -- dad -- steps in. And if he can't, the grandparents are there.